Hello, hello. 🙂
Through the years, lots of readers come to this blog to learn more about Dissociative Disorders. Working through the free online DES (Dissociative Experiences Scale) has been one of the top searches for a very long time.
Have you tried answering the DES questions?
Before you do, please have a read of this explanatory introduction.
And please be sure to
take the results of your DES scores
to your therapist.
Copyright © 2008-2017 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
I am new at this. I have no idea how I came to be in this web site but I did. Been grappling with this for a long time lots of denial, about everything but it keeps hounding me. Was in counseling but seems I can’t finish anything. I must be a walking billboard for DID only for those who can see since they keep telling me I am. But my counselor confirmed it. So many layers. I like this web site but who knows if I’ll stay.
Oh gosh Linda … I am so sad to hear you so down on therapy, life, yourself. Therapy is life long as far as I am concerned. What we are dealing with and the root cause of it is not a quick fix … or maybe anything resembling a “fix” as I once thought. It is a life process, learning how to live more fully and happily in the here and now. So that means doing our work on our system and what they carry over from the past into our here and now as well as all of the life challenges that present along the way. I first went to therapy in my mid 20s, took a big break from it all (not because it was the best thing for me but because I felt unworthy of help) and came back to it nine years ago. I am 67 y/o now and, frankly, I cannot envision not being in therapy for the rest of my days. It is my rock … my life line. Rather like how this blog and the Discussing Dissociation Community Forum have been for me.
On a practical note Linda, it sounds like you are in one of those periods of being stalled in your work. So, I am thinking that maybe you and your T need some shaking up? Have you considered doing a consultation session with Kathy? I believe that she has done this with people’s therapists present as well. Anyway, she REALLY knows her stuff from decades in the trenches with us DID folks and her educational outreach to other professionals. There have been several occasions where I have been stuck and I have worked with her to find that nugget to challenge me in new ways and get my work past a block. Just a suggestion but it feels like you could use a little boost about now.
Thank You ME+WE! I am feeling discouraged and that I’m about as good as I’ll ever be. I’m just trying to maintain where I am. Some areas I’ll never heal. I talked with Kathy several years ago. A joint call with the trauma therapist I was working with, and also with just Kathy. I think Kathy is great. The trauma therapist was not only not helpful, but actually harmed me. It’s been hard to recover from that difficult time. So I guess this is my time to realize where I am and accept it. I used to be way worse so I can be thankful for where I am now, even if it’s not great. I have been considering arranging another talk with Kathy, but I think a lot of my struggles are not due to DID. Again, thanks.
I sure do wonder if I will ever find the peace that I am looking for … if that is even possible or reasonable for me to expect. And, why the heck am I just finding out about all of this now! Really?! Isn’t it way too late in my life to deal with this stuff let alone actually find anything resembling “healing”? Maybe I should just crawl into a cave somewhere and forget about it all.
Well, I am still hopeful even when I am feeling hopeless. Something inside of me just want to keep trying through all of the ups and downs and painful stuff that can never be undone or made sense of. I have hope that every day that I do my work and try to achieve my goals of co-operation, communication and co-conscious, I get a little bit closer. Sometimes imperceptibly so.
Honestly, I don’t think that I have time to ever get “there”. And certainly, life has an uncanny way of throwing new challenges my way just when I feel that I am getting somewhere. But, I find that, there is healing in just living each day with hope.
Gosh … you know that Kathy is there to hear whatever it is that you need to work through. It is amazing, sometimes though, how she can see the links with DID in ways that I could never imagine.
Sending positive thoughts your way!
I’m with Me+We. I’ve been in therapy since 1980 and except for a few years where I stopped as things were better, I definitely expect to be in therapy for the rest of my life.
Not only is there healing from the past, but then, “Now how do I have the best life I can.” I’m also 67 and I will always be affected through intimacy, attachment and all the ways abuse can affect you that continues into adulthood. And I think esp with DID, it’s a lifelong thing. I don’t plan on integrating where we all become me, or I become one of them, We are we and we help each other and I will always need them. Great communication is what i am going for. Then safety and letting them tell their stories, healing for all of us individually and as a group, and then life I hope. I feel like I”m fighting the clock but regardless of where I end up and how long it takes me to get there, I will always need a person who understands my life and my people/system as there will always be stuff. Stuff to trigger. Stuff that I need to talk about. Stuff that is more than I would speak to a BFF about. Stuff we talk about on this forum. The so personal stuff that fear of judgement keeps locked up inside.
And I also will never settle. That alone means I will always need someone to be on my side and help me when I slide into a ditch. I have Bipolar disorder as well so I will always be on medication plus I have physical issues (we are all only temporarily able-bodied!) I’ve used independence to get thru life. Not in a good way. As life goes on I see I have done myself a disservice by refusing help I needed sometimes just so I could show I was strong. Interdepence for me requires a therapist as one more person I allow myself to trust and someone I know will always have my best interest at heart.
I have also had some really bad therapists. But that is not about us. It’s about them. We walk away and find someone else. And, even on one occasion, I reported by LICSW to the board. And should have reported another. And even in general, if they were ethical, not every match is made “in heaven” as they say.
I hope you can find a therapist who can help you not settle in life. Someone who can walk with you, at your side, and help you have the best life you can have. Who cares if you are in therapy the rest of your life. I wish everyone was. Be well, Be.
Well my friend … I chuckled when I read your posting here about expecting to be in therapy for the rest of your life because I am so very much on the same page!
Then I started to think about that and why we get in a knot about that idea. Some part of me is wanting to be in denial that I have to be in therapy at all … maybe even that I have DID. Some part thinks that I do not deserve to heal or certainly to have the attention of a caring therapist. Some part of me is exhausted and just wants to crawl away from life. Some part of me wants life to be better and more peaceful and cooperative inside.
And, a HUGE part of me is ashamed that I have DID in the first place and that I need to be in therapy for life.
Then I look at my friends and I think … well … ya, I have DID and I know that I have to be in in therapy. But heck … they are all screwed up in their own ways and really could use therapy as well … but they are not facing their problems or working on them. At least I know that I need therapy now and for life!
GOLD STARS FOR US ALL!
You hav such a nice way of writing, and it always encourages me. Thank you. I, also, had decided that Therapy would be a part of the rest of my life. I even asked my Therapist if he would please be my therapists as long as He (and I) are ale. We have session on the phone, and he was seriously ill a few years ago, and I thought I was going to lose him. He is now unable to walk, and he used to be such an active man… working as consultant to several hospitals. Now confined to home. Don’t know why I’m writing this, except I rarely get to talk about it, and it is on my mind a lot. He doesn’t share much about how he’s doing, which is a good thing I guess.
Anyway, I just wanted to say Hi, and so glad to see your here. You are very kind to share your experiences, and it really helps.
Hello my dear friend. We have sure talked about a whole lot of things over the years haven’t we My/selves+Me!? I admit that my memory is poor at best but I do not recall you talking about your T being confined to home before. Gosh, that is sure a scary thought … having one’s T ill. I freaked when Dr J had the flu! I cannot imagine how you must worry sometimes. As long as he feels he is capable of providing therapy services, then I guess that the best way to handle this is just to move forward with him and try to put his health issues aside? I really don’t know how you handle this but you have been so far. Thank you for sharing that with us! Always wise to get those fears out into the light so you can take a good look at them and see them for what they are.
Thank you for your kind words.
In so many ways I feel I’m not making any progress. My therapist is very kind and trustworthy, but about all he’s ever experienced with DID is what he’s learned from me. And I’m not typical. I’ve made progress over the years, but now I feel like I’m in maintenance therapy. I feel, believe I probably am as good as I’m gonna be-so accept it. I’m also feeling embarrassed and ashamed of “needing” therapy for nearly 50 years. DID camp out 40 years ago. I am declining in many ways. I’m kinda watching me go down
I was so touched by your post. 50 years… wow. I’m going on year 31… and I thought that was a long time. I was in my late 40s then, now I am old. Sometimes I get to feeling like I will never get any better… even though I am better, with the help of my patient Therapist. I don’t know what I expected, except I thought I would learn to be the “leader” and take care of my inside family… it seems that I really more and more on “them” to take care of me.
I just wanted to say Hi… and i also feel myself “declining in many ways.”
Take care . 🌺
Well gosh Linda and My/selves+Me … I am in good company here! I first started therapy when I was 26-27 y/o. I am 40 years on from that. My original T retired after working with me for 8 years. I did not have a DID diagnosis back then and she said that she thought that I was doing just fine and could make it on my own. I believed her … or rather, I knew that that was not the truth but felt that I had my chance … now time to move on.
Life without therapy was managed and successful by reasonable standards, I cannot say otherwise. But, something was churning inside of me continually. There were all of the dark days, thoughts of ending things, anger, despair and a whole lot of other emotions and thoughts floating about that made no sense to me.
Was I functioning … yes. Was I at peace … no.
Another trauma took me back to therapy nine plus years ago and I finally found out about my DID. That T retired as well after almost 8 years together. But this time she was quite active in helping me choose a new therapist to continue my work. She knew that I needed to be in therapy and I believed her … and I gave myself permission to do so.
It is a long haul this therapy of ours. I think off it more as needing my weekly medicine to help me get through the next week. It is my special time, my window of safety, my hour of self-care and self caring. It does not matter how much progress I do or do not make with my system folks. It is my one hour of peace in the week even when I am not doing/working on peaceful things because it is my time, my safe place, my time to just be me.
So, I never envision a time when I will not be in therapy. If I come out having learned something or progressed in my work … wonderful. But, for me, it is about having time and space for me to find healing and peace one therapy hour at a time.
It is my mental spa day.
I’m guessing you are retired like me and many of us here. I’ve had therapists that ive felt close to, esp my last one I saw for, gosh, 7 years. At the end when I couldn’t deny being DID tho she and I.never discussed it the entire time, she said she knew and tried to bring it up and I wouldn’t have anything to do with DID!
Well anyway, at 65, my insurance chaged and I had to find someone new. A person with significant
experience with trauma and DID. It is mow, 3 years later that I’m realizing I never could be this open with my previous T as I yhink I.had hotten yoo protective of her perhaps. Messy boundaries from 7 years.
What I am meaning is, I think we can outgrow our therapists. You say hus only dud experience he has learned ftom you. If that were the case for me, it would be the blind leading the blind AND deaf esp with my level of denial (like many, huge!) I need to be gently guided out of the woods by someone who knows (or is familiar with) every rock, tree and even snake and bear we come across.
My current T can do that but there might be a time I could ferl I’ve “outgrown her” metaphorically but mostly, just time for a change. When the time comes when I.hold back because of protecting her, I know its time to move on.
I don’t see that happening soon but thanks for letting me think aboit thst and write that out.
Evaluating the therapy relationship is important now and then to stay on track still eyes on the goal.