Ā
The violence must end for healing to truly begin.
Ā
Ā
Ā
Current safety is the foundational building block of healing for people who have been sexually abused.
Ā
It is a known fact that children are being abused and exploited on a daily basis by sexual predators.
Any child trapped in an abusive situation will naturally continue to use trauma-based coping strategies.
They need safety in order to develop healthier strategies.
If children are not given safety, they often do not learn how to find it on their own, no matter how old they become. Ā Often a childhood filled with abuse continues into a lifetime filled with abuse. Ā Sometimes it even continues right into the next generation of children.
An important part of working with adults who have been severely abused is to check thoroughly about their current safety.
People who have been severely abused as children are often still deeply tangled in abusive relationships as an adult. Ā This comes in many different forms.
Ā
Ā
People who have not resolved their childhood trauma issues are at high risk for adult relationships full of abusive dynamics, many of which parallel their childhood abuse history. Ā These include ongoing battles with the abusive parents, siblings, or other violent family members. Ā It can easily lead to physically or sexually violent partners, sexual compulsivity, using sex as a weapon, promiscuity, and sexual repression.
Ā
Due to the power of dissociation, and the external controls of their perpetrators, some people continue to be victimized by perpetrators well into adulthood.
You might be shocked or surprised to hear that, but I promise you, it is far more common than you might think. Ā People you know could still be getting hurt, even as adults. Ā For that matter, it might be you who is still getting hurt, even as an adult.
Ā
Ā
Some people continue to act out their childhood sexual abuse, with or without their conscious awareness, by repeating the patterns of the original trauma bonds.
Survivors may find that their adult relationships mimic the dynamics of the original perpetrator relationship. People might harm themselves in the same manner that they were abused, or a child who was raped by a variety of offenders might become extremely promiscuous as an adult.
Ā
Ā
Due to this reenactment process, it is not uncommon for adult survivors to be involved with prostitution, sadism, masochism, or pornography.
Dissociative survivors may have whole other lives involving these activities of which they are unaware. Such involvement is not universal, but the frequency with which the issue occurs means it must be thoroughly and repeatedly checked out.Ā
Ā
It is absolutely essential that any repeated patterns of violence be found and addressed thoroughly in the therapy process. Ā Adult survivors of abuse will need assistance to stop any ongoing violence. Ā Any ongoing violence must end.
Ā
Self-injury, self-induced abuse, and self-directed violence also undermine safety and stability.
“Self-injury” ranges from cutting and burning, to breaking bones, to crashing cars, to refusing appropriate medication. When people are actively hurting themselves, they are undermining their healing process. However, self-harm is a very common issue in the treatment of severe sexual abuse and dissociative disorders.
No child or adult will be able to make significant progress in their emotional growth, stability, and healing if they have frequent contact with a perpetrator.
The constant anxiety, extreme stress, emotional paralysis or emotional chaos, and hypervigilence of being perpetually on alert for the next abusive incident interferes with the ability to make treatment gains.
Each violent episode causes medical and emotional crises, detachment, and destabilization, so it is imperative that therapists and support people pay consistent attention to the safety of the abused person.
Ā
Ā
People of all ages need to feel safe in order to talk about and heal from abuse. Ensuring a person’s safetyĀ is the first step inĀ the therapeutic process. It may be a very long step, but it is absolutely essential.
The violence has to come to an end.
Ā
Ā The violence must end for healing to truly begin.
Ā
SAFETY FIRST.
Thinking of you all, with deep concern.
Wishing you the very best in your healing journey.
Warmly,
Kathy
Copyright Ā© 2008-2021 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
Ā
Hello Nobde,
I am so sorry that you are not feeling safe. I hope that you are feeling safe here. I am thinking that these are bad memories happening? Does your here and now have the bad people in it because that certainly would be something that I would like for you to be able to change. You are not invisible here okay. We see you. We hear you!
ā¤ļø
Not safe this week
Not safe ā¼ļø
It dont be safe anewayr
I scerd the bad pepl gna get me
Olrede i can fel it
I membr whut thay do
Nobde can help us
Nobde can š
I so invsabo
But the bad pepl see me
Thay do
I don’t understand this. What is safe?
We have been very out of control lately. Feeling revictimized in therapy, so not safe there. Discovered that someone has been acting out/being promiscuous or else the body was abused again, because we had a miscarriage (twins, almost 11 weeks along, confirmed by doctor) even though we didn’t know we were or could be pregnant. How do we figure out where and when and how to be safe if those of us who usually handle daily life don’t know what’s happening?
Very sorry if this was too much detail, too triggering… please delete if it is. We are just so lost right now.
Jessa,
First off, I don’t feel triggered at all. If anything, I feel inspired and in awe at how brave you are. I’m so glad you shared what you did – sharing stories encourages and offers hope, so thank you.
I’m sorry you’re all feeling so lost right now. It must have been quite a shock to find out you were pregnant. I can’t imagine this happening; hopefully you aren’t beating yourself up over it. Please be kind and patient and understanding of yourselves. They are most likely habits or behaviors learned from past abuse that you had no control over.
So safety. To me, safety is a couple of things. First, safety is being protected or away from any physical or sexual abuse. Please, please, please, I encourage you to do whatever it takes to find out what’s going on, if you can, in an effort to keep you safe. A feeling that nothing bad will happen to you. Safety is also being free to be all of yourself openly with someone, and having that person accept you, all of you. Ideally, that would come from your therapist for sure, but if you’re feeling revictimized, maybe it’s time to move on and find someone else. Is that scary for you?
I hope other’s speak up about what safety is for them – you deserve a safe, warm, comforting, soothing experience, no matter what. Fight for that.
Hoping peace finds you very soon.
MulitpleMe
12/11/18
MultipleMe,
Thanks for your kind words and for sharing what safety is to you.
It was a huge shock to discover I was pregnant, and especially to discover it because of an emergent situation. Feelings are always hard for me to identify; in this situation, I don’t really even know what I should feel. Is it okay to feel grief for the babies who died? Is it okay to be scared and angry that this happened in the first place? Is our system a mess because of this, or did this happen because we’re a mess? (Just to name a few of the feeling-related thoughts that I’ve been dealing with…)
I’ve been trying to find a new therapist for a solid six months now, but without much luck. Many of the people I’ve reached out to do not return my calls. I feel like it would be stupid of me to just stop therapy while I look for someone new, but I am reacting badly to every single session I have, so I don’t know…
Our main protector/nurturer says I can’t handle knowing what’s going on with the system and who’s acting out, and stuff like that. I don’t know how to respond to that.
Thanks again for your kindness and for sharing about safety.
Jessa
12/12/18
Hello Jessa,
I am so sorry to hear about the traumas that you are going through. Please know that you can speak your truth here. If Kathy feels that there are any triggering parts that folks need to be alerted to, she says so. So, it is safe to both talk about whatever you need to and know that Kathy will let you/us know if any posting contains potential triggering topics. But, letās face it ā just about anything can be triggering for us all. There is never any absolute certainty with DID that is for sure.
Now, what a horribly scary place to be in. I can really hear your fear and desperation and can certainly understand why you are feeling this way. I am not sure what I can say to help but let me try and ask a few questions (none that you need to answer here but maybe ask yourself) and offer some of my thoughts.
First, I am concerned when you say that you feel that you are being victimized in therapy. Is this emotional, physical or both? If you are being physically victimized by your therapist, you need to get out of that situation right away. No therapist should be touching you in any unwanted way and certainly NO sexual contact of any kind is okay. Yes some Ts hug, hold a clientās hand, etc. on occasion and that is okay with the permission of the client. If the victimization that you are feeling is emotional, you need to take a good look at what is happening and how you and your insiders are interpreting what is happening. This could be ātransferenceā going on (e.g., you interpreting your Tās words as something harmful that is really from the past and not what is currently happening). If appropriate, you might consider expressing these concerns with your T. If you really are not clear what is happening, perhaps a second opinion is in order (e.g., discussing this with another T). Again, if your T is abusing you in any way, you need to terminate the relationship and seek help from another, reputable therapist.
Now, dealing with insiders is certainly tricky and scary especially when they are acting out and you are not conscious of what is happening. I hope that others jump in here with ideas that can help. For now, here are a few things that come to my mind.
Building communication is number one in my thinking. Someone(s) in your system are acting out and you need to know who and why. Now, sometimes you can simply ask and maybe you will get a response. Maybe start a journal or bulletin board or some place where you can write your questions and see if your insider will respond to you. I meditate and talk with my insiders. This has taken some practice but it is doable. The point is to start building up as much communication as you can with all of your alters. So, that may mean telling them that you really want to get to know them all and hear what they want to tell you. In other words, invite them to communicate with you and offer an open heart and mind for them to do so.
Now, maybe you have insiders who you do have communication with now. Ask these insiders if they know who is acting out and why. They may also have some ideas about how to handle the situation. They can also act as watchers to alert you to the activities of these insiders. Now, I have two internal helpers who try and monitor and stop destructive behaviours. I also have an insider who is my insider alert system. He lets me know when my one really destructive insider is setting to do something and I can often deal with it before something bad happens. So, it can be about building allegiances and communication with internal helpers.
I also posted a list of guidelines for conduct for my insiders to see. Now, I also stressed that this list was for the health and safety of everyone. They are not intended to hurt or stifle. They are intended to protect and secure everyone. I also let it be known that all of the guidelines for conduct are open for discussion. This has brought some folks out to express their needs/disagreements. Remarkably, most of my insiders have gone along with the guidelines and feel rather secure knowing that they are there (i.e., that boundaries have been set). One insider is not so cooperative but it has provided an opportunity to at least open a dialogue there.
In a very physical, here and now sense are there things that you can do to try and protect yourself. For example, taking the pill (for unwanted pregnancies), family/friends that can help monitor your activities/movements, having a hiding place for the car keys that someone in your household takes care of, same with your phone/electronic devices that can be used by insiders to communicate with people you do not know, I have an alarm system on my bedroom and the house so if I wander, it is set off, other ways that keep you safe at home ā¦ I am hoping that others may have concrete suggestions to offer.
The bottom line for me is that you need to sort out being as safe as possible in the here and now (and with your T) while working on communication with your insiders so that your insiders talk with you rather than act out without your knowledge.
Know that you are safe here Jessa to be yourself and speak your truth and express your needs, fears, frustrations, hopes, etc. And your insider(s) who is doing the acting out is certainly welcome here as well.
Keep talking here if that helps. You are not alone. You have a community here holding caring space for you.
ME+WE
12/11/18
Hi ME+WE,
Thank you for your kind words and the reassurance about it being safe to talk here.
With regard to your first question, I don’t actually know. I very rarely remember much of what happens in therapy afterwards. I maybe have a sense of themes or general feelings, but not any details. My guess is that it’s emotional trauma. I’ve been feeling unsafe with him for a year, now, and we’ve talked about it, and he’s always like, “I’m not doing anything wrong,” so i don’t know whether I should trust my instincts, or trust his word. Two weeks ago, we were talking about something (I can’t remember what), and I had such a strong sense of danger that I completely froze, and inside my head, I felt like something broke, and then I heard someone wail for Erich, our protector/nurturer, to come help. Erich is the only alter I can communicate with at all, although I know that there are many more from our journals and whiteboard. He says i can’t handle know what’s going on, which makes me afraid that maybe there is something physical happening in therapy. But that’s not consistent with what I know about my therapist–he’s a good guy who just doesn’t have a lot of training in working with trauma, and no experience (other than me/us) working with DID. On the other hand, there are lots of people who I now know were abusing me when I was a child who I’d have sworn were good people just a few years ago. So I’m not very reliable, I guess. What I do know is that we’re having suicidal thoughts the night before therapy every week, and panic attacks in the hallway before we go into the waiting room that no amount of rational discussion seems to touch.
The concrete steps you suggested are helpful ideas. I’m not sure how to put them into practice, exactly, because I live alone, but i’m sure there’s something I can do to hide the keys and phone and stuff. I do have a whiteboard for communication and a couple journals. Still working on communicating at will, and I definitely can’t reach many of the insiders. i do tend to make blanket announcements of what is/isn’t acceptable for our safety while driving, so maybe i should start trying to come up with a general safety guideline, like you said. That feels like a lot to think about, but I’ll try.
thanks again.
Jessa
12/12/18
ME+WE: Thanks.
Iām sorry that you know of what you speak. She is out of touch. She sees stuff on Facebook and then says whatever she thinks. But, she doesnāt know to look here. Well, she will if I keep typing. How do you know for sure any of them want help? The scab fell off on the body, and she tried to make it bleed again.
Hopefully when you read what you wrote to me it will help you also.
Thanks for always being so nice. My town is in major disarray and very far from the front, so I appreciate that youāre so nice and welcoming.
Hi A,
Thank you for your kind words and for talking with me (all of us here at DD). I certainly am reading and rereading and ā¦ well, trying to own what I wrote to you for myself. I have been in seven months of turmoil trying to reframe my relationship with my really angry one. She was born out of trauma and my need for her to help me deal with that trauma. The big people in my life did not help or protect me (or her). I need help to deal with that all so I cannot help but think that she does too. If there was not something bad going on in my life, she would never have been born in the first place.
She causes a LOT of turmoil. My usually cooperative ones are VERY angry with me. As my one alter told my T today ā she is really angry with me for āpoking the monsterā. But, as my T keeps reminding me, that āmonsterā is a part of me ā and an important part at that. Anger is a very important emotion to have ā it informs us of danger and deals with that danger. Now, that does not mean that we act out our anger in hurtful ways but we have to own it, respect it and use it in constructive ways to deal with the angry making stuff in our lives.
I guess for me the problem is that my angry one emulates my parents. In that regard, she believes all of the negatives about me and acts out on them ā well, acts out in destructive ways on me and some of my little ones. She thinks that I am weak and that I need to be punished to make me stronger. In a weird way, she is trying to help me ā to make me stronger. She also thinks that if she punishes me there will be no need for others to punish me ā making her (and my extension me) in control of the punishment rather than the abusers. Okay, twisted thinking but there is something very understandable about it all.
For me, I am trying to treat her with love and compassion. That is what she has always lacked and most needs. So, while she acts out in negative ways, I try to reflect love and compassion back to her. I am trying to wear her down before she wears me down ā¦ hahahaha. I tell you that she is a really hard one to get to. But, I just appreciate that as the depth of her pain and despair. I truly believe that she wants to do good but she just does not know how. So, I am trying to teach her starting with love and compassion.
It takes a huge amount of caring, patience, work and perseverance but I sincerely believe that we can build acceptance cooperation with all of our insiders. In the end, it is all about learning love and compassion for ourselves because all of our parts are essential elements of who we are.
Sending you well wishes for some calm and order in your town A. I am always happy to hear what is happening and to talk here. You are not alone.
ME+WE
05/24/2018
Ms, No space in her non name is not someone to engage. She is hateful. She also seems to have no idea that this website can be interactive. Good. I want her either to win or go away. Iām too tired for this shit.
Hello A,
Thank you for the clarification. I certainly understand how painful, debilitating and frustrating it can be dealing with an angry one. Have been venting about that topic myself here on the DD website.
You know A, I am wondering if your angry insider is really all that out of touch with what happens here on the DD website. As I read the message, they were asking for help. It sounds like they want to stop whatever it is that they are doing but do not know how to ā hence the posting here asking for help. And, I hope that they do not āwinā because they wish that they were dead. But, there again I am thinking that they really do not want to die because they are asking for help.
You know, I think that your angry insider is really offering us both some valuable insight here.
Even our most troublesome insiders need to be heard.
Even our most troublesome insiders are seeking help.
Even our most troublesome insiders want to cooperate ā they just do not know how sometimes.
Even our most troublesome insiders have seen pain and suffering and that is why they are the way that they are.
Even our most troublesome insiders deserve compassionate understanding.
Even our most troublesome insiders have something to teach us about ourselves and our journey.
Best of luck A. Sending positive healing energy to your whole gang.
ME+WE
05/21/2018
Hello Andrea,
“Please don’t engage.”
Not sure what you are meaning here or how this can be done. But, then again, asking these questions is being “engaging”. ????
ME+WE
05/20/2018
ME+WE:
Youāre very kind. Please donāt engage.
Needhelpcantstopandwishiweredead
Hello Whothefuckcares,
I care. Actually, I care a whole lot. I feel a giant ache in my heart when one of my friends here is in such a bad place. I wish that I knew what I could do to help because if I did ā¦ well, I would get right on it. Maybe one of your insiders can help? Maybe you have some outsiders that can help? All I can do is say that I hear you, I value you, I wish you would not harm yourself and I hope that you keep coming here.
Sending warm, caring, positive energy your way.
ME+WE
05/16/2018
The timing of the postings on Facebook is very odd. Why does this seem to be posted whenever I have done something I shouldnāt? I am anyway not supposed to write here, but I think itās weird timing. And I have to try to stop. Iām not this clumsy, and nobody can know.
What do you mean that people may hard themselves in the same way they were abused?
In counselling therapists have always told me the first stage work is creating safety and stability. Have managed to create stability in my life in last couple decades (don’t move house, cities, countries every few months). But feeling safe is another issue. Am told I should affirm I am safe and feel safe but I never feel safe. I get glimpses of it but it’s not my every day reality. Though do notice my hyper vigilant attitudes -avoiding touch, watching people, sitting in places in public where I can ‘escape’ easily, etc. Think it is a bit blithe, easy for a therapist to say be safe, feel safe. Have done all the inner imaginings of safe place, but the bottom line is feeling safe is not my reality. Recognise it’s a heritage of abuse and assaults. Kathy, do you think feeling safe is necessary to be healed. Am much, much more co-conscious than ever and parts who are protectors aren’t as scared as Children but still wonder.
Hi Kathy, thanks for gently explaining in your video about how adult survivors can grow and cope in other ways than staying. I think my mother was a victim, which is why her family was the way it was, her father, my grandfather was dead to her from as long as I can remember. I met him when I was 17 or so. He didn’t want to know me. Pretty F*d up hey. It has long reaching arms, this awful trauma. Dizzy.
Some times you just have to learn to live with not ever being safe i think cuz thats al you got is not safe
no som tims we do be safe now
i lernd that
And you do belong. Belonging beyond feeling. Feeling matters of course. yet feeling is just part. You are able to and even if you don’t do the current expectation of others or what you now expect — you are made by the Creator. You are bigger than any of these mentioned. and bigger than any recommendation. Why? You are a child of
God, no matter what your current belief system..Still one of God’s.
Oh,thank you so much for this post! It is the first time I’ve seen anyone say that it can continue into adulthood… I kept thinking I’m the only one in this world to whome this has happened to like ever! And to know that it is something someone out there has recognized… to know I’m not the only one ever… how can I stop that is another question but just reading this post has given me an important feeling of… something.. of still being a human… still belonging to this planet… thank you!
Kathy, I have recently come to understand that I have a complex dissociative disorder. I have had a hard time and a fair bit of reluctance with the DID diagnosis. My therapist recommended your blog and I’m so glad he did. It definitely helps to know I’m not alone and your information is very clear and well presented.
Thanks for doing what you do!!
Hello Lisa,
Thanks so much for your comment, and please thank your therapist for referring you to read here at Discussing Dissociation. That’s excellent to hear — makes my day. š
You definitely are not alone in your struggles with complex dissociation. Keep reading, and reading, and reading. There are over 300 articles and over 4000 comments from survivors all over the world who know all about what life is like with complex dissociation. You can learn lots here.
I’m glad you’ve stopped by.
I wish you the best in your healing journey.
Warmly,
Kathy
Reblogged this on The Shattered Memory of a Broken Girl.
Reblogged this on Discussing Dissociation and commented:
This 2008 post is one of the very first posts ever written on Discussing Dissociation, purposefully so, because of the importance of this topic. This post was recently reblogged by Trauma and Dissociation — thank you. Having safety in your life is a crucial and critical topic for healing for dissociative survivors, so it is good to bring it back up to the surface again.
Be safe everyone — SAFETY FIRST!!
Warmly,
Kathy
I was sexually abused as a child by my older brother. He was very violent even as a kid and I was always the ‘peacemaker’.
I’ve noticed similarities lately in my relationships ever since my mom mentioned that my son looked a lot like my brother as a baby. I realized that I’ve been dating men that look or act like him, that I’m unable to…do…certain things unless it’s a pantomime of what happened back then or that I drift away unless intercourse is violent or has a considerable ‘control’ element to it.
What are some healthy ways to deal with this? Is there any way? Will it always be like this?
Thank you and I hope you can help
i dint no bout this articol kathey
there be lots of words i dont no for sure but i do figyer out waht it means mostley
it make me sad
š
Hi Kathy,
I’m not sure if you keep track of comments that go back to articles written so long ago but here I am feeling compelled to leave a comment anyway!
I discovered your blog about a month or so ago and I’ve been hooked ever since. I was originally seeking something, somewhere that would help me deal with having moved away from my therapist under extreme circumstances. I started reading random articles and related so well to so many that I went back to the beginning and read every article and every comment. I’ve finished that process now and have decided to come back to the beginning and reread everything and keep track of all of your great ‘homework’ suggestions.
I decided to comment on this article because it has to do with present day safety. Two years ago I started to become more and more aware of all the time that I’d been losing and paying attention to the noise in my head. I’ve had this noise forever and just assumed it was normal. I had entered into counselling at the local Sexual Assault Crisis Center to deal with some fuzzy memories popping up and found an amazing social worker who recognized something in me through a trauma group I attended. We started doing individual counselling and my ‘helpers’, as we call them, started introducing themselves. Of course the entire sequence of events is much more complicated but this is the Coles Notes version. (you’re canadian, do you recognize this phrase?) Cliff notes I guess they would be called in the States. Anyway, my therapist and I entered into heavy duty counselling. We both knew what we were getting into fairly quickly and had a conversation about whether I was willing to commit and whether she was willing to commit. We both decided that we were in it for the long haul. As time went on more and more was revealed to me about the nature of the abuse that occurred in my life. My uncle belonged to a group of abusers who played a ‘game’ with young girls and made money based on points they accumulated. They introduced some ritualistic ceremonies along the way.
After a while my uncle and his cohorts figured out that I must be talking about it and turned up the heat on me, so to speak. The abuse was continuing on and escalating. Threats were also made against my wife. We are a same sex couple that have been together for 10 years. All this time abuse has been happening and neither of us knew about it. But the walls started to crumble in my mind for some reason and the truth began to reveal itself. I’m getting away from myself here.
A few months ago, some men broke into my home and assaulted me. Then a man approached me at work and took me to the washroom and assaulted me there. At this point my wife and I had a meeting with my therapist who said okay enough is enough, we need to get you out of here. She explained that healing requires me to be in a place of safety, that there will never be true healing until I am away from my perpetrators. So in darkness and deceipt my wife and I packed up all of our things, as much as would fit in a truck and moved away from everything we’ve ever known. No one knows where we are and we have to keep it that way. We have our dog and our two cats and us. We are trying to start a new life. It is the scariest thing I’ve ever done. We stayed in a homeless shelter and put our things in storage until we could work things out to get a place of our own. I’ve never relied on anyone else to pay my way in life and found myself in the shoes of people I used to look down on. My eyes have certainly been opened to the pain that comes in so many different forms. It’s been an incredibly difficult journey. And the most important issue I’ve been dealing with, the biggest issue I’ve been dealing with, has been not being able to see my counsellor or to even get in touch with her. I miss her so incredibly much it hurts more than any physical and sexual abuse that could ever be conceived of.
So I’m very thankful that I’ve found supportive and helpful articles here. You sound very much like my therapist and I think that is more comforting than anything.
Thank you Kathy. You’re a life saver.
Kathy – just today for the very first time my oldest son who was not sexually abused by his dad told me that his brother (who was) is angry with me and unable to have a relationship with me because as he put it “I knew about the abuse the entire time it was happening.”
In reality my oldest son came to me one night and told me about it and it had probably been going on 4 years prior to that. I was divorced from their father by then and their father was very physically ill (9 strokes, right sided paralysis, dysphasia, the works.
I brought my second son and my daughter privately into my bedroom and asked them if this was true. Both of them had the same story. I told them they would not be seeing their father the next day for visitation. I sent them to a friend’s house when I confronted their father. He admitted it. I immediately made a police complaint and he was under investigation for this the following week.
They never saw him again after that and he ended up killing himself about 6 weeks later. If only he had waited, he was almost 100% occluded in his anterior and inferior arteries to the brain. His doctor told him he was not going to live much longer. All the “if onlies” in the world and I had to get a man who pulled the trigger.
That is a short synopsis but here is my question. My daughter stopped talking to me about 5 years ago. I did try to see her one time but it did not work out we live in two different states. Years after the abuse she told me “I forgive my father, he was sick” is this possibly trauma bonding?
I did not know they were being absued, he threatened them with all those things predators say like don’t tell mom will divorce me and more.
I worked second shift as a nurse 5 nights out of 10 days and I did not have a clue. The only signs I saw (now) was how my daughter did not want to kiss him good night.
My attorney told me after he killed himself that I would get the blame as the living parent, and I have lost two of my children – it is like their father won. My daughter has a picture of her father on her myspace page (none of me) and my second son tells people how much he loves his dad.
We all went to counseling back then, I do not know what they do now.
Can you spare me any advice or thoughts?
Thank you.
Krissa,
Thank you for visiting this blog, and I appreciate your comment.
But oh boy, oh boy – what a tragic story you have. I can only imagine how incredibly painful this whole ordeal has been for all of you. There has been loss after loss after loss…. How very sad for all of you.
Your attorney was right — all too often the “available” parent gets all the blame thrown upon them, even if that is not an accurate statement of how it should be. For that matter, I think it is relatively common for the mothers to get the blame, even when the fathers are the perpetrators. Yes, what you are describing is an example of a trauma-bond – as both of the sexually abused children are feeling more connected to their perpetrator than they are with you. AND, it is also common for children to be enormously angry with the parent that they feel could have / should have been able to protect them – even more than with the parent that did the abuse. The dynamics you are describing are not unusual. That’s not fun — not ok — and not accurate, but not uncommon.
Hopefully as your children get older, and are more honest with themselves about the situation, they will get a more realistic view of the man that abused them, and they’ll be able to address the rest of their feelings about those abusive incidents. But of course, their father’s death and his illness make the entire situation extremely complicated emotionally. It’s not unusual for children to put their deceased parent on a pedestal, and this situation is probably no different in that sense. Their pain is obviously very deep, and their high levels of denial are protecting them from feeling the intense harm that their father caused them.
One quick thought I have is this. Even though he was already terminally ill, and possibly suicidal in response to that, the abuser-father suicided a short time after he confessed to his sexual crimes. He was a cruel, cruel man for doing that to his children. How dare he kill himself upon “getting caught”. In my opinion, that sets the children up to feel incredibly guilty for telling in the first place. And who knows, maybe in the middle of all his other emotional threats, he could have threatened to die if his abusive secrets ever surfaced. Whether he said it or not, he certainly showed that in his actions. What children can tolerate the idea that their father killed himself because they told about the abuse???! That is a HUGE emotional double bind. However, if the children can blame you for it, then they don’t have to take on any of the guilt that they must surely feel, whether they are acknowledging it to themselves or not.
Krissa, I would need to hear a whole lot more of the story to really provide adequate counsel for you. Have you considered ordering an individual consultation? I can see how you would very much benefit from talking more about this whole ordeal. You’ve certainly experienced your own traumatic after-effects and tremendously painful losses from this whole mess, and it would be a very good idea to have some therapy and counseling of your own.
Please feel free to contact me via http://www.AbuseConsultants.com if you would like to follow up with some individual sessions.
I’m so sorry that all this has happened. There’s soooooo much emotional mess going on here.
Thanks again for posting, and I wish you the best in your healing journey —
Kathy