What if your Family Visit was a Painful Disaster?

During the holidays, it’s relatively common to be in touch with the relatives.   Family visits are assumed and expected a little more than other weeks of the year.  And while so many of the holiday movies and the cards show the holidays as happy times, we all know that’s not always the case.  Quite often not the case.  Families can be great.  But not always.  Families can be one of the biggest sources of pain as well.

This week, lots of folks have been hurting.  For you, it’s been rough, it’s been painful.  It’s certainly not been the makings of a Hallmark movie. I’m writing this note to make sure you know you’ve not been forgotten.  Someone out here is thinking of you, and knowing that your heart is hurting.

Did you experience any of these tragedies this week?

• angry arguments with family members, those kinds of ugly arguments that hurts your very soul?
• attacking accusations where you were gaslighted, blamed, or even falsely charged with doing something harmful?
• deeply felt betrayals where someone you trusted did or said something that sharply stabbed you in the heart?
• violent assaults, where you were physically or sexually abused, left hurting, bruised, and bleeding?
• abandoned, where you were left behind, ignored, forgotten, alone, and excluded from the gatherings?
• personal devastation, with no food, no shelter, no resources, no health care, no vehicle, no support?
• a sudden crisis, such as a death of a loved one, or injuries, car wrecks, medical emergencies, or some unexpected loss?
• bullying, cyberbullying, ugly gossip, lies, trash-talking troll attacks, slander, or hate crimes?
• divorce, break-ups, or the ending of a significant relationship?

There are so many ways to experience pain.  Our world can be truly cruel.

If you had any version of a disastrous holiday week, my heart goes out to you.  It hurts, and would have been awful for you.  Sadly, the tragedies in the world don’t stop just because we have a holiday scheduled.

Where to you go from here?

Sad, desolate, vicious holidays can happen for anyone.   I clearly haven’t done a world poll, but I would guess that a whole lot of people have holiday experiences and memories that are filled with pain and heartbreak.  Really, when you’re hurting, you’re hurting.  There’s not a whole lot more to say about that — hurt hurts! 

There are a few things you can do about that tho’.   You might not have been able to prevent the hurt, but now, you can do a few things to address the hurt.  Your pain is real, palpable, genuine… and yet, the person who can best address that pain is you.

When painful events happen to you…

How do you manage your emotions?
How do you tend to your heartache?
What do you with the hurt you feel?  

Discussing Dissociation
Well… you’re already reading here, so I’ll start here, and yes, I have to agree, coming to Discussing Dissociation is a great idea.  I’m all for that one, of course, and there are articles about tons of topics that are pertinent to the dissociative community.  Everyone who has Dissociative Identity Disorder has had family pain of some sort, trauma and abuse of all varieties, and years of emotional pain.  It comes with the territory of having DID — those dissociative abilities didn’t develop from all the happy moments in your life.  SO… while you’re hurting, this site can be a comforting resource for you.  

I’m going to highlight a variety of links that might help you find relatable DD articles as well. See below. 

And, when you find an article here that matches how you feel, be sure to read the comments.  Some of the articles have dozens of comments.  You can see that you’re not alone in the world — sadly enough, there are other people out there who also hurt in those same ways.

Find additional supports.
Do you have others you can turn to for comfort?  Maybe you’ve got a good friend, or a support group, a church e-group, or a faithful dog by your side. If there is anyone else you can be with for solace, that’s helpful.  Other people (or dogs, or cats, or horses, or birds…) may be able to fill in the gap where your family could not.

Sitting alone with your pain.
Sometimes, just curling up in a tight little private place is comfort, even if there is no one else with you.  Building those thick walls around you — dissociatively and literally — can help you feel more secure.  Sitting safely, secure in your silence, hidden away with your pain may be the exact thing you need to do.  

Even if you are alone, you can do things to help yourself feel better in your wounded place.  Sometimes, just sitting alone is okay.  Yep, I know that might not sound like much of a plan, but sometimes, just sitting safely with your pain is exactly the needed spot in your healing process.  You might not want to talk with anyone or go anywhere anyway.  If you can help address your wound just by sitting quietly, then by all means, go for it. Reading a good book or watching tv can take you somewhere else in your mind, if you need the escape.   And of course, working on a puzzle is a good way to sit quietly and think, or not think.

Creative expression.
You have all heard about the benefits of using art as a way to communicate — drawing your pain, painting a picture of what you feel, making a collage about the chaos.  Or there are the writing options, such as journalling, acronyms, word exercises, etc that help you to write about your pain in creative ways.  Music is a great way to express pain — y’all know that I prefer the piano, but music of any kind can be deeply meaningful.  Dance and movement allows the body to show how feelings as well.

Challenge yourself.
Sometimes, while you’re hurting, distracting yourself with another goal can help pass some time, while you’re also working on your pain level.  Give yourself quiet attainable goals — read 3 books this week.  Make 25 forum posts this week.  Read 10 DD articles each day.  Go for a mile (or one block) walk each day.  Watch 4 new motivational / inspirational speakers or spiritual leaders on YouTube.  Mixing it up your activities is good idea — your mind, body, soul, and spirit will all need some healing time.  So… use a little distraction, some creative expression, learn something new, deepen your faith, and participate in physical movement will help balance the different areas of your life.

Meet your Basic Needs
Even when your heart is hurting, even after a family fight — maybe especially after a family fight — it is important to still do good self care.  This includes everything from remembering to eat healthy foods, drink more water, get enough sleep, clean up areas your home around you.  Depression can easily set in after family conflict, so working hard to fight against that is important. Meeting your basic physical needs can help to prevent an emotional crash.  

Remember — self care, not self-harm, is the key here.  Personal safety is crucial.  No more harm!  Comfort yourself with gentleness, kindness, softness. With all your strength, resist the urge to do self injury.

DID System Work
You knew I would put DID System Work on the list, surely you did!  Because of course, if you’re dissociative, and you’re having big feelings, especially after a difficult time, your internal system is going to be stirred up and feeling fear.  

You’ll feel the effects of PTSD, and you might have some extra flashbacks or body memories happening.  Current day chaos and pain will stir up previous memories of chaos and pain.  And those memories may be held by others inside.  Internal system communication is essential to resolve any internal chaos — choose healthy ways to speak with each other internally.  

And of course, if you had family conflict in the outside world, any internal family introject parts you may have will also be activated and stirred up as well.  What happens outside, ripples inside, so look for the ways your insiders feel the impact in your internal worlds.

Time distortion, time confusion, and missing time can happen, especially after intense family conflict, so check in with your people.  Someone was present, and someone knows what happened.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You take it from there….

Okay, I’m going to stop here.  I could talk for hours and hours about addressing the pain from family disasters, and hopefully, I’ve given you some helpful places to go to address your feelings.  I’ve given you a huge ol’ mountain-size pile of links and reading material if you are needing a few more ideas on how to manage painful family conflict.  Obviously, that’s going to take some time if you click through all those links! 

I want you to be gentle with yourself.  Clearly, one “little family incident” can create a whole internal landslide of work to do with your insiders.  For real —  be gentle with yourselves, and kind with your insiders as you figure out the layers of impact.  Being dissociative, you will most certainly feel an internal response to outside family disturbances.  Instead of giving yourself a hard time about that, look at ways to understand, and then you’ll be better able to help your system with the internal mess.

This is all part of your healing journey.  Recognizing the pain spots, and then helping those who are feeling the most hurt.  

Even the hurting moments can be turned into healing moments.

I really am sorry for your pain, and still wishing better times for you during your healing journey.

Warmly, 

Kathy

Copyright © 2008-2026 Kathy Broady and Discussing Dissociation