Some days are heavier than others.

Yep, there are some days, weeks, seasons of the year that feel more trauma-laden than others.  October and especially the Halloween weeks and weekends, are definitely some of those times.  I say Halloween weeks because the commercial build up out there, and all the decorations extend the time period out for so long.  It just drags on and on and on.  October is a heavy month!

These days are not so fun for lots of dissociative trauma survivors, especially anyone with a ritual abuse (RA / SRA) background.  I know that trauma-history does not apply to everyone, but to the folks who have had that history, this can feel like a gruesome time of year.  

Dissociative Identity Disorder is created from trauma.  Trauma and abuse hurt!  Even if you are smack-dab in the middle of your healing process, there are going to be days when the heaviness of that healing process gets to you.  You’re going to feel the emotional pain, the heartache, the confusion, the upset, the grief, the loss, the fear, the risks.  Not every day is going to be a great day, that is for sure.

So…. my question for you is….

What do you do to be safe and as comfortable as possible when it’s a difficult time?

Yes, absolutely, one of the reasons the P4 Retreat is planned in October is to give the retreat attendees a few weeks of rest from the bombardment of Halloween everything.  

When the world feels too crazy out there, too dark, too intense…  it can be such a welcomed relief to jump inside a haven of safety, and to get to spend a couple of happier weeks avoiding and ignoring what feels scarier outside of that world.  The weeks tucked away in a private setting, away from the noise of stores, televisions, radios, etc, provides a bit of relief from the bombardment felt from all the triggers.  

Knowing that for a little while, you won’t have to see or hear about Halloween anything because you’re safely in your “retreat bubble” can feel very comforting, especially when any little jaunt out into the public world creates a high risk for unwanted triggering.

If you didn’t have the opportunity to attend the P4 Retreat 2025, let me encourage you.  You can start planning now, because likely, next October, we’ll be attending P4 Retreat 2026!  

In the meantime…

 

Where do you go when you need some space away from the triggers seen out there in the general public?

 

A.  Into Personal Isolation

Sometimes the best or easiest answer, on those hard and heavy days, is to tuck away safely into your very own hidey-hole and not let anything or anyone dangerous, frightening, conflctual, dramatic, or annoying come anywhere near you.   Avoid all of that mess, and isolate, hide, bundle up, pull back and get out of sight.

Yep, every dissociative person knows this skill very well!  After all, DID / Dissociative Identities is created this way.

Separating and dissociating and system creation is built on the very ability of being able to leave a situation, by your mind, even if not with your body, and hiding away somewhere else, away from everything else.  Isolating internally, and isolating from the world can be clear indicators of this dissociative skillset of leaving by escaping.  It’s a super power!  And hey, when you need it, you’ve still got it!

Those kinds of hiding withdrawing behaviors can certainly feel very protective, extremely effective, and obviously, in many ways, they are.  As long as the person / system can keep themselves safe, and healthily entertained, this option of hiding in your own personal space can be the easiest answer.  Stay in your own little cocooned world, protected from everybody and everything for as long as you can.  Bring in the things that you want — your treasured stuffies, your warmest blankets and favorite sweatshirts, cups of hot chocolate, (macaroni and cheese or popcorn??), and watch your favorite TV shows.  Shut the doors, lock every entrance, close your curtains, turn off the phone, ignore your laptop, and be in your own world.  Add the use of stereo headphones and you can even be more tightly tucked into your own little bubble.  

If you work at it, you can manage what comes at you by making very intense safety walls outside of you.  You can avoid a lot of danger by getting very very skilled at sitting still, staying home, and refusing to participate in any harmful option that presents itself.  Settle in, stay grounded where you are, and refuse to go out there into that world of ugly darkness.

You can be safe, even without anyone there to help you or support you.  It’s tough, and upsetting, but do-able.  You can get through this.  You can.  Believe in your strength.

But also… when you are isolating, and you can feel painfully alone.  So… as long as you can be safe while you’re by yourself, that’s okay.  There’s nothing wrong with this option.  

However…. sometimes…  Sometimes isolating feels too isolated. Toooo lonely.

 

B.  In a group of support or a place of community support

Because sometimes, isolating doesn’t feel good at all.  Sometimes isolating feels worse, even if the person is physically safe, they may not feel emotionally safe, or emotionally okay.  Sometimes, having a place of community and friendship is the better answer than isolating.  

You might be able to talk enough with your other insider-system-people so that being in a supportive community doesn’t feel worth it to you.  That’s okay, because if you’ve got great connections with your internal community, you are truly doing something right!  Well done!  It is music to my ears when I hear about systems who speak well with each other.

Yet sometimes that’s hard, and also… sometimes, being with outside friends, peers, or acquaintances who at least understand and can relate with you and your internal world does feel comforting, especially if they are a safe group of folks who have zero intention of hurting you.  Sometimes being alone and isolated doesn’t have to be the only answer.

So on those heavy days, who’s your friendship group?  Who are your peers?  Who sits with you?  Who talks with you?

For some people, that’s their church group, or their sports team, or their book club, or their pottery class.  We all find connection in various places, and if you are dissociative with many insiders, your insiders may need a variety of places to feel connected.  For folks with DID, there is a peer support, friendship based community forum that can provide some of that safe social connection for you.  

The internet is a giant place, for sure.  We can connect with folks all over the world, and while that can feel amazing, it also increases the danger level by huge amounts.  Who is that on the other side of that fake account name?  

Who is Penguin.Gurlguin_2987?  

What kind of person is Yellow_Banana.Seat_781325?  

I mean really.  Anonymity provides a level of safety for the writer, but… not necessarily for the reader.  You can see words of poison before you know to block that out.  You can absorb untruths without realizing the maliciousness of the words.  Can you tell the difference between fake news and real news?  It’s getting harder to see the difference.

And yet… online support is so deeply needed because our world is big, and people are lonely, and the people who you best relate to may live in a completely different state from you.

So… there’s an answer to that long-distance dilemma.  Find a safe online community.  One where there is an appropriate balance of personal anonymity and yet personal accountability.  Join a group where your privacy is protected, but people are responsible for what they say or how they act and who they are.  Find a group where the support is genuine, kind, friendly, healthy, and welcoming.  Find a place where conversations are respectful and not hate-based or chaos-driven.

The point of having community support when you are struggling is to have genuine, and safe community support.  It’s to feel heard, seen, be understood, and to not have the other person flip on you and turn into a raging troll.  It’s the idea of building a real relationship with other trauma survivors who truly understand your pain, and maintain the ability to be respectful human beings as well.  Gone are the days of finding comfort with a predator or your dysfunctional family.  You don’t have to do that anymore.  There are genuine people in the world who can support you in the kindest of ways, and not have any intentions, plans, or fantasies to hurt or twist you further.  

C. What’s your best option?

My point being… on those hardest days, like the October level hard days, find other options.  

Find better resources than what you’ve struggled with so far.  Find people who are reliable, and truly kind, and genuinely supportive.

A big part of healing is addressing those social wounds, the scars left from having too much personal isolation, the fears of being hurt by any person you meet.  No, not everyone is planning to hurt you!  

Of course, finding that safe-for-you community group is not always easy, but since you’re here, reading at Discussing Dissociation, I have a very easy answer for you.  Join DDCF — the peer-support community forum that is truly a one-of-a-kind community.  Trolls in the free places are free to say any garbage they want to.  But people in a protected forum space are far more genuine, far more invested in their healing, far more protective of their own dissociative system.  No one wants to buddy up with people who are too obnoxious to be legit pals.  Find people who can be trusted.  Find people who will be real.

For example, tonight, on a difficult heavy October evening, the DDCF community is going to have a Zoom Group to have the option to talk together.  We’re going to be real people, with real conversations, and still keep personal privacy.  We’re building genuine relationships, and for-real friendships.  We’re going to address whatever concerns folks have, and we’ll have some fun, and some great conversations while we are doing that.  We will probably share a few stories from our retreat and watch a few videos showing how much fun we had while together.  No one at DDCF has to be alone or isolated on a this difficult weekend.  We understand the pain, and yet not take it out on each other.  

And isn’t that a nice change.

 

So…  now what?

Seems like Option C is the best plan to me!  

Do what’s best for you though.  Listen to your insiders, and find the safety you need for healing and growth.

And know…  I am thinking of you this weekend.  And most hard days, dark nights, horrible weekends.  I may or may not get a new article out here saying so, but rest assured, the trauma population is frequently on my mind, and I do care what happens to you.  I deeply wish for 24-hour safety, genuine healing, and a zillion gentle recovery days for you.

Take gentle care, and join in as you can.

I wish you the very best support and safe community connections in your healing journey.

 

Warmly,

Kathy 

 

Are YOU looking for a community where you can connect to community?

It’s a very busy time of year right now,  so I’ll be brief. Yes, yes, yes, if you and your system are looking for a place to belong, a place to feel connected to other like-minded people, a place to relate with folks who know what a plural-life is like, and a place where conversation is respectful and kind, please feel free to join us.   

New memberships are available at any time. 

Click HERE for more information.

 

 

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