This year, I lost my father.
Or at least I lost him from the ways I’ve known him — to be walking, talking, tossing out a joke, standing firm on a value, painting a picture, eating waffles, cooking pancakes, or sipping his very weak, highly watered-down “coffee” (not anywhere near my definition of coffee, but very weak, warm, coffee-colored water in a moose mug is how he liked his coffee).
My dad has been important to me, always was, always will be.
Because I work in the field of trauma, everyone asks, so I’ll just say it right up front — no, he did not abuse me — and yes, he truly was one of the good ones. He was not an abusive man in any way. He wasn’t perfect, he had his faults, but being a perpetrator-father was no where near the radar of who he was. He was a very good father, a faith-filled steadfast man, and I will always and forever cherish his many wonderful qualities.
In fact, for all my life, I experienced my father as very protective. Not at all dangerous, and never scary. He was strong, and yet kind. Firm about his rules and beliefs, (oh, I have so many stories about that), but he had a heart of gold and he gave the best big snuggly bear hugs.
He had many talents, he was a great artist, and he loved to sing (even though he didn’t have a great singing voice, he could belt out 20 verses of “There’s a Hole in the Bottom of the Sea” better than anyone I knew!) He was willing to help anyone in any way that he could, from volunteering to renovate my house year after year to working with Habitat for Humanity / Disaster Relief after hurricanes. He grew up a farm boy, learning all kinds of skills and trades, then spent many years in housing-construction-concrete businesses, so the man could build or repair almost anything. OH, to have those skills! He had tools, LOTS of tools, and he certainly knew how to use them all!
My father painted these Saskatchewan landscape pictures for me many years ago. They are near and dear to me, as he created these works of art with his own hands.
My dad gave me the childhood that I wish all of you had. His special, unique recipe for melt-in-your-mouth pancakes made many years of Sunday morning breakfast memories a dear favorite. He was there — busy in our lives, actively parenting and caring. He wasn’t someone who hurt me — he was someone who cared for me and protected me in all kinds of ways. As a teenager, I suppose I could have rebelled from some of his 50-million rules for me, but I didn’t feel the need to do that. I knew he was making his many strict guidelines that were, in his opinion, for my safety and protection. I appreciated the safety, and felt a deep respect for him — that meant I didn’t feel the need to fight his guidance. I knew he had my best interests at heart (even if I didn’t get to go to those late-night parties!).
In fact, in the very last weeks of his life, even when he was at his weakest in physical abilities, I still experienced my father’s protection and determination to keep me safe. Even when he could barely speak or stand, he showed his willingness to help in complicated situations and he offered his spiritual guidance to others during times of trouble. All of my life, he followed these principles, and what a strong statement that says about him. He truly did his best to practice what he preached. (And yes, if you haven’t heard the whole story of my dad, he was a preacher and a church-planter for 40+ years.)
Unfortunately, here on this blog, in the comments, and in the forums, as typical in the world of trauma survivors, there are so many “bad-dad” stories. Tons of bad-dad stories. Ooooodles and gobs of them. Far too many because yes, far too many fathers were abusive, mean or cruel to their children. That breaks my heart.
My father was different.
He really was one of the good guys.
In fact, one of his greatest accomplishments was successfully fighting to raise the age of consent in the Canadian Parliament. Instead of allowing the age of consent to drop to age 8 (oh, for goodness sakes!), he was able to push the legislation through to increase the age of consent from 14 to 16. I don’t know if Canada still holds this law, or if it has changed yet again, but there was a time when my father actively fought for increased safety and protection of children in an entire nation. Proud of ya, Dad, for that victory!
If it weren’t for my father, I wouldn’t be here, at Discussing Dissociation, doing this work.
My father was a genuine inspiration to me, and his teachings have had a lifelong impact on me. He passed a strong faith to me, and taught me to have the courage to fight against darkness and evil. He knew it was important to help others, to sit with their pain, to share all that you had, and to join in the fight for their spiritual freedom and security. So while you most likely didn’t get the opportunity to meet my dad, you can still see the influence he had because his solid teachings and strong stands against darkness have passed on through to me.
You may or may not remember that I have a music background. I started playing piano in church by age 9.
I won’t go into my whole musical history for you at this point, but let’s just say that by age 30, I am sure I spent way more hours sitting on a piano bench in my lifetime than I had spent walking!
So from a very young age, and for many, many years and years to come, my dad (the pastor) stood at the front of the church, preaching, and I sat at the piano, or the organ, playing all his favorite hymns. We were often a team, leading the way. But even at home, sitting in our living room, “Play me a song, Katie!” was a line I heard hundreds of times. Dad loved my music, and it was such a treat to play for him.
And, in the most fitting of ways, the very very last contact I had with my father here on earth was playing a version of “Amazing Grace” for him. His very last earthly moments with me were music-filled. Once again, we shared that musical bond. Such a powerful last moment… I will be forever grateful for that.
So, in honor of him, and to share a little of my music with you, here is a video of a practice session I had, the day before my father’s American Memorial. (Being a dual citizen of USA and Canada, he had memorial services in both countries.) I hadn’t realized this video was being recorded, but I am thankful that it was. I was sitting at the piano in the church that we attended when I was a small child, remembering my father, and practicing so I could manage playing this song at the memorial service. I was just hoping I could get through it without crying too much, so you know, I needed to practice it ahead of time. Some of my earliest memories of my father were here in this church. And then another church, and another, and another…. Oh, I could tell you dozens of stories…. My mind was flooded with all kinds of different things, that was for sure.
For now, I share with you, my variation of “Amazing Grace” — a song that tells the story of getting lost, being blind, then circling back around, getting found, and ending with “now I see”.
The day before my Dad’s memorial service…..
Thank you for listening.
In Amazing Grace, “I once was lost, but now I’m found. Was blind, but now I see.” And yes, although I lost my father in so many ways, and he’s no longer walking here on my streets, or near my house, and I can no longer see him, I will always find him — in the music. In our music. In every song I hear that was one of his favorite songs, or any of the songs that brings up memories of him, I will be able to hold his spirit near and dear to me. In that way, I will never lose my dad. He is in my heart, and I can feel him there. He’s not lost — he’s been found.
So this year, for Father’s Day 2022, instead of writing another article about abusive dads and childhood trauma, I had to write a short tribute to my father, and to point out to the world, that not all dad’s are bad. They most certainly are not. My dad helped to make the world a better place. He challenged me to continue that mission, and I pass that on to you as well.
If YOUR Father Has Passed…..
I’m sure I’m not the only one who has lost their father, this year, or in previous years.
- How do you handle your grief and loss?
- What did you do to help your heart-hurts?
- How many times have you told stories about your father to people who cared enough to listen?
- If your dad was an abusive man, what have you been able to do to come to terms with his passing?
- What are you going to do to continue to address the pain you carry?
- Do you let the different insiders of your system speak their different truths and experiences? I bet they don’t all think or say the same things!
What I know is that my father had a lifelong impact on me, and I have to assume your father had a massive impact on your life as well.
How are you managing all that? How are you feeling?
What do your insiders say?
What are y’all doing about all that this week?
I hope you have meaningful, healing, and helpful days ahead as thoughts and memories of your father surface for you and yours.
I wish you all the best in your healing journey, many hours of heart-filled comfort music, and safety from harm.
Warmly,
Kathy
Copyright © 2008-2023 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
My dad is a narcissist. Its hard to try to remember that everything he yells, says, does, and puts me down for isnt my fault. I wish it wasnt so hard. I was talking this morning to someone having an urgent situation they were upset about and i shared some videos about narcissistic parents. I realized that every single thing the therapist was saying in the videos is true for my dad also. Since i will be there visiting in just a couple days I am trying really hard to remind myself and the inside kids that all the stuff he does and says is about him, his insecurities, his issues, and not about us. Going home to visit will still be tough but maybe if I can keep reminding the inside kids about this, then it might help. I hope.
Kathy,
What a moving tribute to a kind and loving father. All children need that kind of foundation in their lives, and sadly too many of them aren’t so blessed.
I too had one of the good ones. My dad was a gifted artist who doted on me. He was also a man of faith, and what he referred to as a ‘stumble-bum.’ He did seem to always be doing something unintentionally funny, he couldn’t help it. He was the funniest person I’ve ever know. Sometimes his blunders were howlingly funny to us kids though I suspect he was often embarrassed by his inability to navigate his way through life without bungling things.
My journey with DID began at the age of 7 when I was taken away from my father and inherited an abusive stepfather. I’ve always been grateful I had those earlier years, that I knew what it was liked to be loved in a pure way by a decent man.
Kathy, I’m very sorry for your loss.
May you hold on to the precious memories.
Take care, My/selves+Me 🌺
06/23/22
That is so beautiful, It brought tears to my eyes. I love that song and sing it quite often. I am glad that you have great memories of your dad. I am sorry that you lost him. Thank you for all your hard work and for all the people in the forum.
Be Blessed❤️
Kathy,
I’m sorry you miss your dad
But I am happy to hear you play Amazing Grace again
I accidentally deleted the version you sent to me
I am trying to keep us really busy today and have the tv on all day on the kids favorite shows, to hopefully keep their minds from going to all the negative stuff.it seems to be helping a couple of the,.
Today I am thinking of my father in law. He was a good guy. Caden did not know him at all, she never met him. But I was blessed to know him for about a year before he died. So I got to spend maybe a few hours with him in the nursing home.
He actually liked me. I was surprised, given I was the 2nd wife of his son. One of my greatest treasures is a very old jewelry box that he gave me. It was filled with my mother in law’s old costume jewelry, and a bit of real jewelry, from the 1930’s and 40’s. He actually wanted ME to have it. I remember being stunned,
So one of the things I am going to do tonight is go look through the jewelry box, and try to remember that there are a few good guys out there.
I know this first FaThers Day without him may be extra hard. We are praying for you and your family,
Kathy, I send condolences for your earthly loss, but joy for your being reunited with your wonderful dad when that heavenly time comes. Your love of music and talent is a beautiful gift to your dad, others and in praise of God. I am curious about your mother, as there is no mention of her.
As others have stated, I can’t imagine growing up with a father such as yours. But I’m glad you had that wonderful supportive experience 💞
linda
Beautiful Kathy! I believe my dad did the best he could considering his dad was really mean and abusive to him. He was very angry and I always felt it was my fault (not what he was angry about) because I should have seen it coming and should have been extra good to him and stopped him from being angry. I know now that a little child (or even an adult) couldn’t stop an angry person from being angry. I was the one who cared for him the last years of his life . I told my mom I would. Every one in my family died before him , even my sister and brother. I cared for my sister in my house even. That’s why I’m a hoarder, I’m supposed to care for everyone’s stuff too. Father’s Day was always really hard, especially to get a Father’s Day card that was generic and not say “to the best dad ever”… My mom lied and was in denial protecting him but after he passed away, I found some very upsetting things…it’s made it hard for me to see God as a loving kind gentle father. I am more afraid He’s going to be really angry at me. But I’m trying more and I know Jesus was kind and taught good when He was here on earth.
I didn’t know this was father’s day weekend but it explains a lot. I’m so glad to read your story and esp to hear you play. You said you spent more time sitting on a piano bench than walking. I loved that sentence. Your dad’s art and his love of sharing music with you, and esp your own playing, shows his gentle nature.
Here are DD.com we have been lucky enough to gain from his ways through you. Good dad’s are important for the world to see. Esp the worlds inside of us. Thank you esp for sharing the video. You clearly didn’t need to practice but I cried with you as you played. Be.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful tribute to your father Kathy. What an incredible piano rendition of Amazing Grace! I am sure that it is heard by your dad every time someone clicks on play and listens to it here.
Your father sounds like he was quite the dedicated, accomplished and extraordinary man Kathy. I sure do know that he nurtured his daughter to carry on those same qualities. In some ways, having done that, he has fathered us all because we have benefitted from his guiding force in your life as you have dedicated yourself to your work here at the DD website, forums, conferences, retreats and one-on-one consultations. So, I am in gratitude to him for his inspiration and the grounding in faith and service that he taught you.
As a Canadian, I am in humble gratitude to his service to our country as well. Yes, the age of consent is still 16 with provisions that there is no consent in situations where the older person is in a position of authority, trust, dependency or is using the person for exploitation purposes. Not perfect (from my way of thinking anyway) but certainly a huge step forward from where we were thanks to caring folks, like your father, in parliament.
My father had many flaws but he also had many wonderful qualities as well. He was not my abuser. He did make mistakes … some BIG mistakes. But, he also taught me how to hammer a nail without
“dimpling the wood” and how to assist in his carpentry projects, how to build a wall frame, and took me swimming and hiking several times a week, instilled in me a respect and reverence for nature and supported me when I did not want to do “girl” things when I was younger.
Honestly, I do not think that I have processed my father’s death 7 years ago. My inside boys have processed more than outside me has. They had the closest relationship with him. When my mother was giving his tools away (he was a carpenter by trade) my one inside fellow was VERY upset. So, my husband took him into my father’s workshop and helped him pick out all of the tools that he wanted. My husband then told my mother that they were the tools that he would like to have. My husband has also given my inside fellow a drawer in his tool chest and keeps promising a work bench. They have got that all planned out … they just have to find space!
I am not neglecting the hurts that my father did cause me, I am putting them in context of the man, the times, and the good things that he did do for me. For me, it is not an all or nothing … love him or hate him … kind of process. There are things that he did that I hold a lot of hurt and anger about. There is also a lot that he did that I hold a lot of love and gratitude for. On the whole, I can see him as one of the good guys who made mistakes just as I see myself as a good person who makes mistakes as well.
ME+WE
14/06/22
I have a hard time processing death. The death of my father was so hard. He was an abuser and a weak, sad person. In our family, he was absent, but re-entered when my mother re-married him after 25 years of being divorced and telling me to never be around him and to RUN if I saw him. Talk about confusion in a child’s mind.
But I’m glad you had good times with your father. And it’s wonderful to know there are some nice fathers in this world.
Thank you mewe.
6-21-22
I am always happy to share with you My/selves+Me!
Wow … gotta say that that is one mixed up relationship that you had with your father AND your mother who remarried him but told you to RUN if you saw him. How screwed up is that?!
Processing the death of an abuser is really crazy making from my experience. My little ones who hold the abuse memories do not understand what death is. To them my abusers are still alive and the age at which the abuse took place. It is hard to tell them that they are safe now.
ME+WE
06/21/22
I don’t mean to hijack this topic.. but I am out the forum at this time. It hurts more because I thought it was the 24th, if you could, if you feel up to it, please post my apology for giving wrong date.
Not to worry if you can’t mewe.
I am very sad.
But glad for the beautiful tribute Kathy made for her dear father.
Beautiful piano playing 🌺 thank you Kathy. And Mewe. 🌺
Typed by Wendy but really from Blue and mae and Mindy
We like how your piano song is so pretty.
We like those pretty pictures he paint.
We like the nice stuff you wrote about him.
Our dad he like to lie to us. He like to make us afraid of out side people. He like to make sure we wouldnt never trust no 1 but him but it did be a trick so him could do bad stuff. He like secrits.
But secrets and lies dont be good.
We love him so big anyway. That be really confusing. To love somebody that make you heart ache.
We luv ❤️ you rendition, feel your struggle; it is clear to hear. Music shows the rhythm of a persons life, the story is more than notes, morelike, a gut altering depiction of oneself in that moment but forever there. True, honest, raw, uncensored when we let it! When we really stop to listen with our heart, feel each note, we see your true heart. I hear you and i see you. You are not distorted when play. The expression in your finger tips, the intonnation, all of it, is the ultimate manifestations of expressionism. I felt every inch. Do you compose? ❤️ keep playing; stopping hurts your heart and your dad’s; I know this is true. you don’t need any more pain. It’s a cruel
We be happy for people that got good dads.
We also be so jealous.
Fathers day makes so much extra aching in our heart.
Every day already be so painful that some times it be hard to breathe,
Seeing all the stuff about good dads and celebrating dads out there make it worse.
Some times we wonder what we would of been like if we would of have a family that took care of us.it would be weird.
Our heart be aching so big,
I wish we could even pretend we had a dad like this but we cant wrap our brain around it to know what it would be like.
We be so so sorry you dad die kathy.
We glad you had a good dad. You deserve it because of your good heart. It must have been interesting to have a safe, protective dad. We cant even imagine what thats like, but we are glad you have him.
We know fathers day will likely be hard for you this year. We’re so sorry.
Thank you this was lovely to read.
I too had a good, kind, strong, loving, caring dad who cared for us and instilled good kind morals and guidance in us. We lost him in September 2001 after suffering from vascular dementia. But he remained kind, supportive and loving through his illness
He is a big miss
If there is a after spiritual life I hope he’s playing the organ, singing taking photographs or ball room dancing with mum. Just some of his talents.
Miss him and mum so much