Wow — our first place to write anything has been a WONDERFUL success…. with well over 1,000 comments, and many ongoing conversations between dissociative survivors. Three cheers for Our Normal Complicated Selves!!
And like you, I was having trouble opening the page. I guess 1000+ comments on one page feels heavy to the internet ?? Not sure.
But even so — let’s just start a second page for ONCS here, and that will hopefully help.
Keep on writing !!
PLEASE POST BELOW
Use the Comments section of this article for DID survivor -to- DID survivor conversation.
I’m pretty sure that if you post, someone will write you back!
OH — and remember, when creating your comment, please use a generic “name”. You can use a system name, or a nickname, or a made-up name. You are not required and NOT encouraged to use your legal name.
Keep your privacy, and please do not post your actual name or location or contact information!
Thanks for staying safe, and happy chatting….
Warmly,
Kathy
PS: If you want a PRIVATE and protected place to have ongoing conversations with DID survivors — a place that is not viewable to the public — consider joining the Discussing Dissociation Community Forum. CLICK HERE for more information.
Copyright © 2008-2020 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
{{{ME+WE}}} YOU ROCK! You made it through this tidal wave with flying colors. It’s so good to hear your voice! <3 I've got to go but just wanted to send my love and hugs to you. And congratulate you on your strength and courage, your tenacity and capability. <3 <3 <3
Naturluvr <3
5/5/19
Happy Cinco De Mayo! (I don't celebrate it, but I would love to if I had the energy, wherewithal, friends to go with me, and found some cool place to go : )
Oh my {{{Naturluvr}}} you are so cherished — such a wonderful supporter, teacher, supporter and friend. You lead by example; teach by example and inspire by example. I am so blessed to have you in my life! Thank you dear friend!
ME+WE
❤️❤️❤️
Amen! Missy Ming and ME+WE! Wow, can I relate!
The trick is to state whatever is needed to be stated (or not, sometimes, it can be ignored or walked away from), stay calm, ask and let Spirit handle the situation. This is something I am continuously working on–asking Spirit for help, listening, receiving, and allowing the situation to unfold as Spirit chooses.
I haven’t the time, now, to express how well this is working for me lately. I’m in awe at events that have taken place recently.
MissyMing, I, too, in the past have been told I take things too personally. They were right. It took me a long time to understand. I learned to change by becoming more DETACHED. What the troublemaker is doing would be done by them to anyone, not just to me. They don’t care who is the recipient. They just do what they do. Often, you can let them “hang themselves.” Also, by getting upset (which I did for years), it encourages them to continue. They love to get rises out of others, and usually target those who react more overtly than those who don’t.
It is difficult to turn away and ignore bad behavior, but it often is the only way to make it disappear, or at the very least, not exacerbate it.
I, also, believe in a metaphysical manner of handling trouble makers. I send them love. As difficult as this is (you can say, “I can’t. Spirit, please, send them love for me”), IT WORKS. I have seen it time after time. We are energy beings and this works on an energetic level. Sending love and detaching is wayyyyy better than reacting with anger and getting all worked up. When we remove the attention and negative energies and stop feeding the situation (like feeding a monster) it begins to shrink from its original power. (Remember: What we focus on expands. It is best to focus on what we want, than on what we don’t want.)
<3 <3 <3
Naturluvr <3
5/6/19
Thanks Naturluvr….I am a major work in progress….it is that I have had no voice for so long…not been allowed to express my needs….not heard when I tried…..felt more like an “object to be used” rather than a person….major Internal uproar when I was called a “counterbalance” ….but my brain says, “Isn’t that good?”…..massive confusion that triggers SI……I am finally “seeing” when things are wrong instead of just being silent and letting them happen to me…..
I try so hard to “make” myself be OK with what I am seeing…just go numb and let it happen….but Rage is not “happy” with that…..I have denied his existence for so long….now I am trying to know what to do with it…..trying to find middle ground but I feel like a pendulum that is wildly swinging right now….it will eventually find its middle ground…I am just not there yet……
The parts are not understanding why I am just letting this happen to them again…letting them be “used” (still not sure what they mean by that)….why am I not taking care of them….helping them…..Rage is the only protector they trust right now – they are not sure about me…..
Maybe I will get to the “love” part….hope it hurries up and gets here…..
MissyMing
05/08/19
Bang on target Naturluvr (as usual)! I am learning to let go and be guided by my inner wisdom (from my spirit self and sensory self – my heart and gut reactions). Mostly to let go of trying to control the situation but to ride with it and let it flow past me. My T keeps telling me – “you are the mountain that will not be moved by all of the winds that blow around you”. So, I am learning to let all of the ill winds flow around me and not attach to me or do any damage to me. I am remaking myself into Teflon now and not my Velcro self of the past. My meditation teacher is always saying – “what you focus on grows”. That sure is true. If you focus on negative, you can be sure that you can find a lot of it in your life. So, I try and focus on positive, gratitude and love. That has been a struggle sometimes but I do find that it reframes how I look at my life. In turn, I look less for the negative and I experience less negative as a result.
ME+WE
I shared this “puzzle pieces” segment with someone and they suggested I post it here…that maybe someone else would identify with it and maybe it would help them to understand a bit……
I am one of those whose “trauma” is still blocked off…..I look back over my life and can see the “weird” modes…..the times I would do something so “out of the ordinary” for who I usually was….the occasional times of “bottoming out” and then being all “Twilight Zone-y” afterwards…not able to “grasp” what had just happened to me….even in my teen years the sense of a deep volcano of rage that I had to go numb on to keep it hidden …the deep waves of fear and the “wails” I heard somewhere inside… the need to escape something I couldn’t put my finger on and the fear that only death could accomplish it….the ultimate sense of at times “watching myself” – wondering if I was even “real” or not…the sense of being a non-gender “it”……but I just kept putting one foot in front of the other – getting through life – doing as best as I could to meet expectations……
Now the weird “flashes” of feeling and seeing stuff that make no sense to my “brain”….. but somehow feel more “real” on the Inside than anything on the Outside…. the massive confusion that can feel like it is going to take me out……and the onslaughts of the SI scenarios……Those triggered times have always left me feeling “out of control” and “crazy”…..and I have been at a loss to explain them to anyone – much less myself……
I have finally realized that since my life has no “box lid with the puzzle picture on it”, my triggers are my puzzle pieces….and it is a grueling process in more ways than one to fit the pieces together…I now jot down notes of triggers as they hit – otherwise they all turn into a Twilight Zone-y blur of no time frames and me wondering if I “imagined” it all…. I struggle with constantly questioning my “perspective” of anything…..i.e. Did I really see that? Or did I dream it? Or imagine it?…..There is a level of confusion that causes inability to take any kind of stand or to have a voice…. I don’t know why that struggle is so, so strong……
So now I email the notes of those times to my T ….she understands why and reads them as she can – knowing my need to get them out and documented… if it was ONLY for me – I would probably end up denying I “saw” it and destroy the notes – but now she also has a copy…. hopefully, between us, we can pick up a recurring pattern that would help us get to the source…..Somehow I managed to find a T who was “above and beyond” understanding……
I have always fought the triggers – they have thrown me and scared me – and I worked hard to “deny” them….but they are actually the “puzzle pieces” that will eventually lead me to the unknown part of my life…..they can gently bubble up or or they can slam me – they can be a split-second flash or leave me feeling like I entered another “world” – but it is my system gradually leading me into the unknown…step by step…..
I don’t know if I am doing all this “right” or not….but it seems to be what works for me…..Still functioning in a level of dissociation that will allow me to “watch” the trigger and hopefully not get too swallowed up by it…..
Then maybe I can know “who” I am……..
(I can see I went into “overboard talk mode” again – sorry….but I felt it was important to say what I said….)
MissyMing
05/07/19
I just wanted to say that I’m here and actively reading everyone’s posts. I’m just not ready to chime in I guess. I’m sorry about that. I post on the forum but not a whole lot, not like I want to anyway. I have a goal to participate more.
I agree with ME+WE, I appreciate the date stamp! Also, did y’all know that you can supscribe to different blog posts? Like you can subscribe to this post and get all new posts in your email box. I think that’s cool.
Anyway, sending love and care to you all!
MultipleMe
Hi MultipleMe,
I am in the same boat as you – reading but not able to participate much right now. I did not know that we could subscribe to the different blog posts! Thanks for the heads up on that.
ME+WE
Dear friends,
I’m up late on Mother’s Day and just wanted all of you to know you were in my heart today, and you weren’t alone, even if you may have felt so.
Love to the mothering parts of you, the healing feminine in you, that is seeing to it that you express yourselves, get therapy and do whatever you can do each day to move the what’s-not-loving-helpful-and-needed-anymore out, and the new and healthy and good in.
And, again, sort of, if you have children, real, furry or otherwise child parts. Happy Mother’s Day to the good mother in you… forget and detach from the other mother, if possible, to whatever degree. You deserve to appreciate the healthy and good in YOU! <3
Namaste.
Naturluvr
5/13/19
Thank you Naturluver for the kind words
Beautifully said {{{Naturluvr}}}. Just love the part – “Love to the mothering parts of you, the healing feminine in you, that is seeing to it that you express yourselves, get therapy and do whatever you can do each day to move the what’s-not-loving-helpful-and-needed-anymore out, and the new and healthy and good in.” So worth repeating here! Thank you for the words of wisdom dear friend.
ME+WE
Hi friends,
My first time writing on this thread. Just wanted to let you all know I will find you on these pages, and still be able to share stuff, despite not being able to afford the Forum anymore. I probably have a week or so before my membership there stops.
I’m totally bummed, but it is a reality of our life.
I’m sorry if anyone is hurt by my absence.
lis et. al.
Well I’m happy you will be here. So to see you leave the forum but this system understands.
Hi lis et. Al.,
I am so happy to see you here even though I am sad to see you leave the forum. You will find a whole bunch of new friends here in other folks that are not on the forum and some very familiar forum folks as well. Not hurt … no harm … just doing what you need to do and that is way okay.
ME+WE
Still continuing on to the new therapist. Feeling scared to talk. I don’t have a lot of internal communication right now but maybe that means parts are settling down for a little bit? Or I am just regressing and scared to talk?
We have had the worst weekend ever. My husband has been diagnosed with bipolar II and I figured he was bipolar. It makes us angry that we attracted a narcissitic bi-polar man who is verbally abusive a lot and has severe anger to us all the time. And no patience with our parts. Or patience with us. He tells us things that are mean like saying he doesn’t miss me, doesn’t love me, wish he never got married, he has no conscience towards how he acts. He can be mean with no regret except to hate himself and then he has no idea how to show true compassion or love for me and my parts. This weekend he was especially verbally abusive.
I called him out on his bs and then he flipped everything and tried to tell me what I was doing wrong!!! He yelled and cursed repeatedly, even after knowing how is affects my parts and ptsd. He doesn’t seem to love anyone, even himself. I want to leave this marriage but the finances make it impossible. Where I live I have no family and no true friends to help.
{{DK}},
Oh my goodness! I’m so sorry for your pain and suffering. Try not to be angry toward yourself and parts. Feel compassion toward yourselves, instead, as I feel toward you, as you would towards me, if I did such a thing. Allow sadness and tears, and give yourself much loving tenderness, as much as you can.
You do not have to live forever with a choice you made in the past. Please, whenever you can throughout the day, visualize yourself living without him, visualize yourself smiling, dancing with glee for the freedom and joy all your parts feel to be free of him, to have your own place. The more you do this the more the Universe will make it happen. You do not have to know how. Take baby steps of things you can do to prepare for the move, whatever it is, little tiny things, each day or week. Belief (of possibilities) and visualization are 2 of the most helpful things one can do to change their future. The brain doesn’t figure the difference between imagination and “reality.” I have received many good things/situations/outcomes in this manner.
This is all I can say for now. Safe hugs to you.
Naturluvr <3
5/20/2019
Hi DK,
So glad to hear your voice. I have been thinking about you and wondering what is happening. I am so sorry to hear about the troubles with your husband. What a horrible situation to be trapped in. I so wish that there was a way for you to get out of that life. How hurtful, damaging and scary. Please keep talking here if that helps. You do not deserve this abuse … oh my heavens you have had enough of that!
I have found that my insiders go quiet on occasion. To tell you the truth, it really scares me. As much as I complain about all of the internal noise, I miss it when it is gone and worry that the insiders have left me somehow. But, it is usually their time to sort things out inside and they need to be quiet. When they do come back, I wonder why I worried and wanted them back … hahahaha
My positive thoughts and heart energy are with you DK!
ME+WE
Many thanks to ME+WE today things seem ok but we work outside the home, and then we got home and he left for work too. We have been in counseling too and he has helped. He ended up changing meds and that led to the bad weekend. I have a lot of difficulties with self care but I am working towards doing more things for myself but the world is scary sometimes. I am working towards a goal of going back to school. I try really hard to stay positive. He struggles mostly with bipolar rage as they call it. I try to make him see how he hurts me by not respecting my parts. He is in treatment also for mental health and I know it takes time to heal. I am safe, but some parts get convinced we are not safe sometimes and we project my anger for my abusers onto him. I am continuing to work in therapy but it is such a slow process, and it is hard for us to trust men at all.
I am safe for any worried, just I get scared and worried easy. Change is so very hard for me with my ocd parts so please keep me in your thoughts with working on that too.
Dear DK,
Oh my … what a horribly stressful situation to be in. You are so fragile and trying so hard to work on your stuff … and that takes time. And now you are dealing with your husband’s condition. WOW. I had two aunts who were bipolar (one institutionalized for most of her adult life). I know a little bit about the roller coaster of that disorder. I am just glad to know that he is getting treatment and some medications that will hopefully calm things down for him and YOU!
What a great idea about going back to school. That gives you something positive and uplifting to focus on. What would you like to do schooling wise? Is there a schooling possibility near you? That is exciting to think about.
Be patient and gentle with yourself DK. You have A LOT on your plate right now. Nibble at it slowly and try and not take in too much. Your fears, worries and reactions are deeply rooted in your past trauma. They can find some moderation but it takes to heal those wounds. Try and do some kind things for yourself.
Your caring friend,
ME+WE
Lis et. al.,
Endings and new beginnings is what life is made of. Sorry for your loss, and glad to see you here. Everyone who leaves is missed, but here you are! You are not lost. And those here will appreciate your sharing and presence. ; )
Naturluvr <3
5/19/19
We need a place to put this. We can’t afford the paid support here but maybe a fellow DID will hear us.
We have been talking to several people with DID for a very long time. Think we have seen a lot happening with all of us.
We have someone in our life that is going through something but not sure what we can do..if anything. They are experiencing things we have seen before.. suicidal programming.. and or people who want to do harm to the person with DID.
This is scary business folks. We have seen a lot of folks loose their lives because of this.
Just because we have a terminal diagnosis.. we just want to live our life that’s left.. seeing this makes us sad and angry.
What can we do?
But right now.. we are here. Scared.. and worried about our friend..,
For all of you that are living in the Tornado zone for today and tonight or any other time.
Please take care of all of you. I could not even imagine what all this stress adds to an already stressed system.
our twin called from Tx and We have a daughter that live just out side of St. Louis And works in St Louis.
Im sending angels that way to wrap the wings around you and keep you safe.
We live in Tulsa OK. Floods, tornadoes, threats of the levees breaking over past week. Therapist got flooded in at her place. The roads in and out were not passable. she is fine, her house is fine. People being evacuated. We live on a hill, no need to worry about flood at apartment complex, but tornado sirens went off many times over past week. stressed out to the max. body cant take any more stress.
b,
Sounds like a very stressful week! Hope things get back to normal soon and the weather threats go away. Stay safe, b!
Hi b,
Sure sorry to hear what is happening all around you. I hope that you have kept safe and are finding some calm now. My thoughts are with you oh and a big old hug if that is acceptable and would help.
ME+WE
I’m feeling so sad and depressed… the moment I open my eyes in the morning. (I have plenty to feel grateful for, but these feelings are from my preteen and adolescent years, and younger). The dreams I’m having are from that age, too. My child parts have been dreaming my dreams for some time. There is lots of processing going on, definitely forward movement happening. I can feel well enough when I’m with someone, engaged in conversation, or doing something.
STILL, here “I” am, in this abysmal, miserable, unhappiness. And why shouldn’t I be? This is where the truth that needs to be healed is, these are the suppressed and repressed feelings which need to be released. Years of my life were spent in abysmal, miserable, unhappiness, surviving daily atrocities, but no feeling, processing, acknowledgement, or love was going on, only surviving. 🙁 🙁 🙁
I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to feel miserable anymore. Yet, it seems I don’t have a choice, because these are my child parts’ feelings. No matter how many times I tell them they are safe and not back “there” anymore, they still have to feel what they feel. Denying, avoiding and distracting, would only add more suffering and lengthen the healing process. I don’t want to do that, I want to heal and get through this, to the other side.
My knowing Self says this won’t last forever. As I acknowledge and comfort, am present and console, little by little I expect my child parts will be nurtured back to health. Meanwhile, it is very difficult and lonely.
Dearest Naturluvr,
I am so sad to hear you so down. My gut feeling here is that you just need to sit with your young ones and hold them, comfort them and let the feelings pour out. Sometimes the fix is no fix at all – just gentle, loving presence that allows the other(s) to know that they are supported in whatever they are feeling and need to express. When a child falls down and hurts themselves, you do not try to talk with them and rationalize what happened and how it could be prevented next time around. You hold them and comfort them. Tell them that you love them and that you are there to hold them any time that they feel hurt. And, you rock them and stroke them and sit in silence holding space for their pain. This is what I would so like to do virtually for you {{{Naturluvr}}} and hope that you might be able to do this for your insiders as well.
ME+WE
I was overtaken by one of the parts at the time. When I’m there, the thing we know best to do is reach out, write here, or at the forum. That is often my starting point, after journaling, or instead of. After writing, I can usually feel a little more present and take other action. I did sit and hold them and comfort them. I did some things for them, that they desired, and things I thought would be good for them. I’ve been practicing, more and more, just being with the feelings. I’m getting results.
I’m not in that space anymore. Thank you, {{ME+WE}}, for your loving kindness. It always means a lot to me. You do.
Naturluvr <3
6/17/19
I am so happy to hear that you are not still in that space Naturluvr. You continually impress me with your hard work and willingness to speak your truth. I learn so much from you. Lesson here – reach out to the DD and DDCF communities when feeling down or whatever. I tend to cocoon and go into myself. You are teaching me by example about the power of writing your feelings and sharing them with our community. Thank you for leading the way Naturlur.
ME+WE
“Lesson here – reach out to the DD and DDCF communities when feeling down or whatever.”
Thank you, ME+WE. It’s a very different life now, for me/us. Used to be we handled everything ourselves. Asking for help was never thought of, because I learned as an itty bitty child not to ask for help. The vocabulary wasn’t even there.
The greatest learning about asking for help (emotional support) came after my most beloved furry loved-one died in 2002. I went to a pet loss support group. I was a mess. My life turned upside down and into darkness like never before!
My ability to speak out and ask for help as been incrementally growing since then. Sometimes, I feel I can handle something alone but don’t want to. Someone inside always thinks, we did it all alone all our life, and why should we do it alone anymore?
And, because I feel parts so much more than before, I FEEL so lonely, sad, scared, confused, and they push me to ask for help. Their first go-to on the list of tools is call (or talk to) a friend.
They say when you share joy you double it. When you share pain you halve it. I think the math is wrong, it’s probably higher, but I agree with what it’s saying.
It was VERY hard at first as I felt it was weak, embarrassing, pathetic, ridiculous, wimpy, etc. Lots of the feelings of judgement that were put on me for needing, or crying, or being vulnerable. That’s a good way to shut someone up… or ourselves… all that name-calling and judging.
I no longer feel that way, though a part may at times. I’m getting way better at it all. Yay! : ) I sure know about cocooning. That sounds like a nicer word. I used to call it isolation and it is rampant with survivors in general. I was queen at this action. Omgosh! Talk about pushing people away just when I needed them most–I used to do that! I wasn’t even able to be aware of my actions back then.
The truth is when I reach out I help myself immensely by just plain sharing. The responses I get help me heal and process exponentially, through all sorts of stuff, and levels. And yet, just the fact that I cared enough to take the time and put it out into the world, speak my mind/feelings, pushing out of “secret,” and darkness, stepping out through the “shame” (which isn’t at all, it’s a lie), has been one of my most repetitive healing actions ever. Every time. More and more.
I feel pleased and honored at knowing I am role-modeling healthy behavior, and feel unlimited pleasure for knowing you are learning from me. Your continued success is the greatest gift you can give me.
Naturluvr <3
6/21/2019
NatureLover,
ME + WE suggested you sit down and work with your littles. Let me give you some ideas about what has worked for me and my system.
1) Our Safe Place:
I made a Safe Place in our mind. The Safe Place is a giant castle on a windswept Northern California beach. Each person has their own room, although they can choose to share their room with their siblings. We have several other rooms in the castle: a cloak room, a kitchen, a pottery room with a kiln, a band room, a library, a sewing/crafts room, a garden with a fire pit, a room to relax in that has a TV, beanbags, recliners, a counsel table and chairs… (Mostly everyone likes to meet in the garden around the fire pit for family counsels though.) There is a playground for the little ones and a handball court for those who are angry and need to slam balls against a wall. They get to run and play on the beach and in the tide pools, and there is even a teleporter that whisks them away to the Sierras where we go camping and to a planet called Pern where my Melody is an apprentice in the Harper Hall.
2) Alters who need rescuing:
When we find a new alter, we find out their name, assure them that we will keep them safe. The former introjects come with their magic staffs and bust the Bad Guys and make sure the new alter is safe. Then I bathe the refugee, tend to any wounds, give him/her warm clothing to wear, explain about our Safe Place, and then bring them to the Safe Place. I explain about DID so they aren’t scared of me or anyone else inside. I explain that we are in the current year and not trapped back in the past.
Once in our Safe Place, the new family member is given a choice to bunk with his/her siblings or to receive their own room. They get a hot meal and I put them to bed to rest and heal. Once they have had a good night’s rest, I find out what their interests and needs are and make sure that they get met. They also get introduced to our T by my letting our T know of the newbie’s existence and identity. Then when the new family member feels comfortable, he/she will meet personally with our T, because each individual in our family system needs individual counseling and the opportunity to heal from the trauma of the past.
3) Individual Needs:
I find out what everyone inside needs. Some need clothing, so I find out what they like to wear and search online for what they like. Sometimes I’ll make a collage of images for each alter of their things: what their bedroom looks like, what the frilly dress looks like or the tomboy pair of jeans and plaid wilderness shirt–or in the case of our former introjects, they need wizards’ clothing and staffs. Then I make sure they have clothing in our Safe Place for them. I especially have clothing on hand for in case a little one needs to be rescued.
Others need a special musical instrument for the band room or stuffed animals for their rooms. One needed a hidey hole for when she is scared and lost in time; that way she can hide from the Bad Guys who hurt us. (I keep telling her we are safe now, but when we first learned that we are DID, she needed that spot to hide in.)
The littlest one likes me to hold her. At first that really upset me because how do you hold someone who is both inside of you and is you simultaneously? So we made a deal: I get a doll or a stuffed animal, sit it on my lap, and rock it, pet it, play with its hair as I might comb and braid a child’s hair. The doll or animal represents my little one, and it is a way of calming her, of doing for her mentally, emotionally, and spiritually what I cannot do for her physically.
Sometimes I will make a special date to go somewhere in real life and do something with an insider.
4) Lock Ups:
This is a last resort for someone who is not responding to anything else. We don’t like locking anyone up, because this happened too often during the bad times in childhood.
So we get creative when an alter is upsetting the family system so badly that a lock up situation becomes imperative.
First, they are given the option of going to their room or to a room where they can work things out on their own. For instance, my most recent refugee goes to the pottery room to pound clay.
Next, we hold a counsel to see if others can help the family member who is having difficulties. The insider who is having difficulties also has the opportunity to meet with our T to get individual assistance from an outside source.
But when all else fails, a lock up is essential. But rather than “locking someone up,” we separate them from the group until that person can get their act together. For instance, m My suicidal insider needed to be “locked up” because she was upsetting the system something awful. Everyone was in danger because of her. We found out that she loves nature, so when I rescued her, I removed her from the dungeon where I found her, then put her in a safe place in a cabin out in the middle of a forest where she could have all her needs met, made sure she had clothing, warmth, shelter, things to occupy her as she healed, and I visited often to see how she was doing. It turns out that she had been lacking a lot of necessary things: shelter, food, clothing. Once she was given those necessities and even a few wants, she began to heal. Today she is allowed back into the Safe Place with the others, but she appears to be happy out there in her cabin all alone in the forest. So I’ve made certain she has protectors out there (she keeps our pet cougar with her; it protects and plays with us but attacks any Bad Guys).
So those are the things that have helped us. Sometimes one thing works, but not others. So we learn together as we go. Fortunately remodeling our castle in our Safe Place costs absolutely nothing–because it is all in our mind!
I hope something here has helped.
<3 Caro
6/22/19
Just wanted to say Hi to everyone. The fall leaves are starting to change. Full moon on Friday guys!
Hi MissyMing,
Just wanted to give you a shout out to say hi and hope that things are doing okay with you. Sure miss your voice here.
Your concerned friend,
ME+WE
sorry…..scattered…..rough…..Inside agitation….blocked off….summer……rough…..twilight zones……
Oh I am so sorry to hear that things are so rough for you right now MissyMing. Please know that I am thinking about you and sending tons of hugs and heart energy your way dear friend. Please come and talk when you are able.
ME+WE
All the Jill People,
I wanted you to know I heard you. Sorry I didn’t respond sooner. I’m sorry for the suffering of your friend (and yours). I don’ t know how to help. I know of a good book by Alice Miller called Becoming Yourself: Overcoming Mind Control and Ritual Abuse. I ordered it through ILL (Interlibrary Loan) as my library didn’t carry it. If I were a RAMC survivor I would surely own it! Can’t imagine being without it. That said, I wish I owned it anyway, but it’s very expensive, and I’m not a RAMC survivor. Still, I found some very helpful information in it which helped me.
I don’t know how else you could help except to take the best care of you. Sometimes, that’s all we can do so we can be in the best place possible to be able to offer our best support.
Take good care.
Naturluvr <3
Missy Ming, sorry to hear you are having a rough time. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.
Naturluvr <3
Hey all,
I’m definitely not in that awful place anymore. Please, do not reply to that last post. It’s old news.
Naturluvr <3
I’m so glad to hear this Naturluvr. Being in awful places is so hard, but you overcame! I love reading your journey and I’m glad you share it. Sending you more of peace and comfort.
Me+We and Naturluvr….thank ya’ll….T has been away and unavailable for almost 3 weeks…..I guess “good practice” for me….but not easy as I am used to “processing” as I go – otherwise there are way too many “pieces sitting on Inside shelves” with no answers… the unknown “pressure” from them can get rough and the “night waves” increase …..will get to see her tomorrow – but don’t even know where to begin….the blog has been so quiet I thought I had “done something wrong”….(even though I “know” it is the “nature” of DID)….good to hear ya’ll back again – even just reading helps me feel “less alone”…….
So good to hear your voice here MissyMing. There certainly was a bit of a lull here. You are so hard on yourself thinking that you have done something wrong. You have never done anything wrong here MissyMing. Say, how about this – I promise that I will tell you as a caring friend if ever I think that you have done something “wrong” so you don’t worry about it ever here okay? There is NOTHING wrong in telling your truth your way.
I so hope that all goes well with your T. I spent two weeks without my T this past month and WOW it was a challenge. I feel like such a wimp saying this but I really missed her and was so underground just trying to keep it all together. We are lucky to have Ts that we are so connected with.
Oh … and you are not alone here! <3 🙂
ME+WE
Thanks, ME+WE….if YOU are a “wimp” – then I am a MAJOR one….didn’t realize how so important she was to “us”…..having someone safe to go into whatever direction Inside needs is so important….to know that you won’t be “judged” or “condemned” for whatever “bubbles up”….that someone “gets it” and is watching over “all” of you – so it’s OK to “let go” and be “vulnerable” with her…..
Thank you for your promise to let me know if I do anything “wrong”….my life is so filled with being “on guard”….. this scary nagging sense that I did something “wrong” and unknown consequences are coming….but I don’t know what it was I did – no one will tell me – and I am “too scared” or “NOT supposed” to ask……wish I could find what the root of that is…..solving it could maybe make life feel a bit easier….
I kept trying to “prepare” myself for T being away – to be strong….but during the night after my last session before she left, I felt and heard “banging” (like “carpentry”) going on Inside – but couldn’t see what it was….the next morning I “saw” that a part had “built” a translucent wall that blocked off Inside….what was behind “her” was all blurry and “disconnected”….It really threw me…..each day became “moment by moment” just getting through work and life….”night waves” pulsing through me were beyond my understanding….
*****A potential SI trigger (???)*****
And then the pressure of the SI battles which surfaced again – that I was “supposed” to die before T got back…I KNOW I cannot go that route – and I will not – (faith and responsibilities won’t let me) – but the “in my face” waves can be very rough….some of the “littles” get so scared that I will “buckle” – even though I tell them I won’t…T told me she suspects a perpetrator part….sigh…more “fun”…….
(I did end up “bottoming out” with my boss by the end of the 3 weeks – humiliating…but I did make him aware that T was away….)
T is back now and I think stuff “bubbled” again during our session ….Thanks for reminding me AGAIN that ya’ll are here, too – even if it WAS so quiet….
MissyMing
06/22/2019
Missy Ming,
Glad your t is back! Yay! I so remember how that felt.
“…my life is so filled with being “on guard”….. this scary nagging sense that I did something “wrong” and unknown consequences are coming….but I don’t know what it was I did – no one will tell me – and I am “too scared” or “NOT supposed” to ask…”
OMG! Missy Ming, I have carried that awful feeling most of my life, too! And when I went out trucking, I felt it a lot, every time I got out of my truck at a fuel stop, the shipper, the receiver’s. Maybe it felt extra for me while trucking because I’m a woman and I was in a man’s world. But actually, anywhere, anytime I am doing something in public, where someone might be watching, I deal with it.
I really noticed it… got further in touch with it, described it to myself. I had fear someone was going to yell at me, criticize me, complain about what I was doing or how I was doing it. It never happened. No one yelled or criticized. I worked on it inside, too, every time it reared its ugly head. It has improved lots. Hope yours does, too.
Naturluvr <3
6/23/2019
Thanks Naturluvr…..that is a direction I will have to work on…..probably an overall “perspective” I have that came from growing up around an “angry, short-on-patience” father…”every time it rears its ugly head”?? WOW – that will give me plenty of practice!! Yours improving gives me hope that mine will, too!
Embracing that no one actually “yelled or criticized” on the Outside will probably help with one angle of this….but my biggie struggle is this “gut fear” that if I relax – or “let my guard down” even a bit – then it could be “dangerous”- (whatever THAT refers to)…….it somehow “feels” like an Outsider’s “displeasure” = potential “death”…..(although my “brain” knows better than that)……It’s ultimately “brain knowledge” vs “gut triggers”……I keep trying to get the “brain” to override the “gut”….!!
Guess all this just means – keep on processing!! Processing…processing….!!!!
MissyMing
06/25/19
Caro,
That was great! I LOVE the castle on the windswept northern California beach!!! I might borrow that one.
It pleases me to know you care for you and your system so well.
Thanks again for sharing. I really appreciated your creativity.
Naturluvr <3
6/23/19
Naturluvr,
I’m glad the idea for the castle helped! Our Safe Place does exist in reality as well as in our mind. When you go there, you find out that there was once a hotel (that was hated by everyone) in the same place that our castle currently exists. But we didn’t know about the hotel when we first invented our castle, so I guess it’s ours! LOL
Caro
I don’t know if anyone posts here anymore. We haven’t been around as much but this week has been really hard. Now we feel fuzzy and far away. One of the young parts is having flashbacks of the worst-of-the-worst – things that I’m not allowed to acknowledge or even think about. But now it’s following me around and I want to crawl out of my skin to get away from the horrible feeling.
We feel so confused and lonely. We don’t know what’s real – some parts are yelling about how that stuff didn’t happen and we made it up and we’re even making up the fact they’re yelling at us. But we can’t get away from it. We don’t know how. Part of me just wants to know if was real so we can just acknowledge it, call it what it was. I don’t know how we can ever get to that point. I thought we were doing better, we made a huge step of believing little parts a few weeks ago. But this is too much. These things only happen in horror movies, thriller novels, the kinds of stuff that makes people feel sick and fascinated. What if it’s just that I feel sick and fascinated too? I have no idea what it’s like for other people, I don’t know if these thoughts are in their heads so maybe this is kind of regular even though it feels so scary.
HazelE,
You are right, not much posting here. Miss all the chatter! i made a mantra with my older and younger parts to tell them YOU ARE SAFE NOW. NO ONE can hurt you anymore! The parts would cry for days and days on end. Sometimes they would scream or moan, or cry out. It was horrible to live through. Now I we are closer to place of healing, through acknowledging the horror has left me horribly depressed. Now if only the truly angry and hurt part could heal, we would truly feel free! Hope you can get there, too.
Thanks DK. I don’t know what is going on. I’m a mess.
I want to quit T because I feel like I just can’t anymore. I won’t because I know what a disaster that would be. But I just feel like I can’t keep going. I can’t focus on work and I’m anxious all day long.
This particular little part is having flashbacks a lot and I don’t know where to go with it. It didn’t go all that well today in T, we wanted to somehow have help with it but we don’t know what we needed and we weren’t able to tell her much and sometimes she asks questions that help us get there but not today. So this part feels sad. And lonely. And wants someone to know.
Hey Y’all.
Have you ever been in a situation where you can’t remember how you left it? LOL, right?! I know.
We have been away from DD for a while now, have checked in occasionally but for the most part away. I have recently been checking in and thought I would like to write something but cannot remember how we left. Was it on good terms? Did I say something that blew any chance to return? Did we do/say something that may be forgivable if we owned it and apologized (if someone would help me out and tell me what it was). I can’t remember. I’ve thought about writing this one post but I get caught up in the ‘I’m too embarrassed to ask’ sort of way. Today, I thought I would write and find out. Before we jump back into the fray, I’d like to know if we are welcome here. DD was such a saving grace for us for quite a while, we remember everyone fondly, and would like to pop in more often and support others and tell about what’s been going on in our life. Thanks.
KenKen, Kennedy, C4B (etc. etc),
Hi! It’s good to see you! How are you? I was just thinking about you yesterday, or the day before. Maybe I sensed you were coming.
Sorry, I can’t remember why you left. To my knowledge you didn’t do anything. All I remember was you were feeling very, very, down and seeming to go deeper down, depressed, angry, without hope. I could be wrong but that’s what I remember.
Welcome back! You are always welcome here.
Naturluvr
9/10/19
FYI: Lots of us don’t write here, much, anymore because we joined the forum. There are several still, but I haven’t received any email notices. I respond when I see comments in my email referring me here.
Hey Naturluvr!
Thanks for the welcome back. You do have a well honed sense. I hope the forum is going well for yous. I wish I could have joined in on that. Maybe someday in the future. I am currently searching for a part time job so if all goes the way we planned it, we may be able to jump in the forum sometime soon. It’s good to see yous. Thank you for calming my nerves. 🙂
I certainly don’t know of anything that you did – of course you’re welcome here 🙂 I hope you come back.
Hi everybody! We have missed ya’ll. We kept trying to talk but it looked like everybody was gone. We got so scared that we had said or done something wrong. Our “head” figured it was the forum – but it wouldn’t sink in to us……we couldn’t stop being scared we did something “wrong”……We don’t think any of ya’ll did anything wrong….we are just glad ya’ll are talking again….we talk what we are….we can’t help what we are…where we are….we were so scared…..
MissyMing
09/11/19
Hey MissyMing!
We cant tell if you mean “everybody” everybody, or “us” everybody! LOL. We gonna think you mean both us and everyone who’s writing on SONCSII. What you said was so sweet and kinda sad. I’m sorry yous were scared. We will be popping in more often and getting and receiving support and encouragement more often.
We missed all of yous. All of everybody – all of yous. Take care of yous!
9/11/19
Thanks KenKen! You started a “discussion” there on who is “everybody” ! Young ones are working on your “riddle”!….something fun for them…:) Hope you have a good day!
MissyMing
9/12/19
What do I do when someone inside is telling me something that seems impossible? I mean both that it seems impossible that it could have happened and impossible to imagine ever holding that knowledge. It makes me feel destroyed. And scared.
There are lots of words that we aren’t allowed to say, especially in T. Even if we had the courage, I don’t think we’d be able to tell her because there aren’t enough words left. Even if we could say them, it’s terrifying to imagine.
It feels like we can’t keep going. We are afraid our T will be unable or unwilling to help us.
We get scared of that, too…..We dance around “THE” situation because we get hit that we are making everything up and then it all blocks off…..Our T told us way back in the beginning that we were SO strong and she seemed proud of us….but now the more we show her the REAL “us”….the more we get scared she is going to be disgusted with us and will leave us…..that we are failing to BE “strong”…..we are not measuring up to her expectations of us and it SCARES us…..trust is VERY hard for us…..if she leaves us – who do we have?????
We want to be REAL…but between massive confusion about if it is all our imagination or not…and our T finding out we are NOT as strong as she thought we were….it makes it HARD….SO hard…….
MissyMing
09/11/19
P.S. Are we “talking” too much again?…We are scared we are….We hope everybody doesn’t go away again….it feels like something is REALLY “wrong” with us when everybody walks away and we don’t know why…….A “co-worker” snapped at us one time and said, “It’s NOT ALWAYS about you!” We didn’t know what she meant….we DON’T want everything to be about us…then that means everybody is looking at us and that is WAY TOO scary…..we were trying to find out if we accidentally broke something of hers and she got mad at us for trying to find out….we were just REALLY needing to find out if we were OK…..China! Here we come again…..!!!!….sigh……
Hi HazelE,
I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s a horrible place to be. I can understand the terror it brings up for yous.
I can also understand what you are saying. I have been through several instances with our insiders that seem absolutely impossible. Unimaginable. And, as we were going through them, I too thought it completely impossible to hold that knowledge. I was afraid my T would not understand or be able to cope or be able to look at me ever again. I started pushing her away.
For the ones in your system that are carrying this terrible memory yous are dealing with, I hope for them some peace. When our littles couldn’t say the words, couldn’t talk at all, what we started to do was read to them, draw, paint, color, play soft, fun, music, walk around the apartment (with me up front) and not push to talk. We wanted them to see and feel they are in a different place, a different time. Before doing memory work they needed to know they were no longer in that terrible place and time. To do that we had to rescue them from the terrible awful and give them safe and warm. Then they got to meet our T who didn’t push for memory content. Just getting to know them and what they want and need. Those horrific things that happened does need to be addressed. But only when the insiders are feeling safe with you and with your T and with the here-and-now.
I’m sorry it feels like you can’t keep going. That is 100% understandable. Take care of yous and don’t let that become reality for yous. Take Care Of Yous (all of yous).
Just a side note….we had Professional Development Day at work the other day and we picked a class on “Understanding Trauma” – even though it didn’t match with our job too much…we knew it matched with “us”…….Objective was on a major high about getting to learn stuff….the rest of us were quivering because we felt really exposed….Objective won out……
It was REALLY good – the talker went into a lot of how trauma affects brain physiology and the consequences of that and we saw how it matched us….Objective was enjoying it even though the “body” couldn’t keep still….the foot wiggling 90 miles an hour….the hands couldn’t stop twirling the pen around….Inside was quivering but we got through it…..We heard something that troubled us though…..
She talked about how trauma will cause a “negative perspective” of situations…..that REALLY upset Rage but we managed to keep him only Inside….we didn’t have time or head-space to hear why he was so upset so we checked with him later……
Evidently, the word “negative” in itself has “not good” connotations….it denotes that the perspective is automatically “wrong, incorrect and WE must correct it; it is NOT good, twisted, failing to be what it should be, not measuring up to Outside acceptable standards, etc, etc….” Rage felt that that word automatically condemned us as wrong from the very start AND took away any chance to be heard….to explain anything….for us to know what was going on and what we were to do…..
Outsiders (those who don’t know our Inside story) are failing to see that a trigger will set in motion an Internal “automatic default” of “warning! Danger or potential danger!”….it happens subconsciously and we are unable to logically “control” it to keep it from happening……Yes – everything goes through the “trauma filter”….but it is ALSO the parts stepping in – doing their jobs to help us keep surviving… to not get caught in “bad situations” again……they are GOOD at their jobs and to automatically say they are “wrong…or twisted….or incorrect” in their perspective will cause Rage to be outraged…..an Outsider CANNOT rightly judge what an Insider’s perspective is…….(Our T understood what we were saying….)
To a triggered Insider – their perspective is “spot on” – and it is up to the Outsider to “prove” it is otherwise….i.e. – that we are NOT in danger, the Outsider is NOT mad at us….”we” are NOT in trouble, something “bad” is NOT about to happen again, etc, etc…….and when “we” (the “braver” parts) start asking questions we are actually giving Outsiders the chance to “prove” our fears are wrong…. PLEASE “prove” us “wrong” – because we NEVER want to go through that stuff again….”we” are trying to get “feedback” as to how the situation TRULY is in the Present…..we ask questions because we NEED to know what we are to do….fight?, run?, freeze? collapse?….or, stand still because we actually ARE ok?….”we” SO WANT to know what that “feels” like……we NEED to know where we are at……but, when an Outsider has already declared our perspective as “negative” (and all of its connotations) – it leaves us with no “safe” way to be heard – to get feedback…..and only “reinforces” our fear that Outsiders are NOT “safe”….if we STILL try to ask – we are labeled as “defensive”and “paranoid”…..”we” just can’t win in any of it……
It takes an Outsider with an ability and willingness to “understand” and “see” beyond our “surface” to go there with us….and we have seen that they are WAY far and few between – even after we have told them multiple times that we have gone through “trauma” (we don’t say what) – they still don’t get what we are saying…….
Yes, our “brain” understands the “negative perspective” statement…..but the Internal uproar drowns out the “brain”……Yes, we know that “parts” need to get “new jobs”…..but when we are not there yet….we just aren’t there yet……we are where we are…….
MissyMing
09/11/19
It’s the weirdest thing. I’m looking for the new comments posted and can’t see any of them. Not mine, not anyone else’s. (I do see old ones, idk how old cuz there are not dates) I have the e-mail followup comments checked so I get emails telling me people are posting and saying hi but can’t see anything on here. :/
So, hi everyone that can see my posts! I read your post MissyMing, about being afraid you said or did something. I felt the same way! I think I thought the same as you regarding the forum. I just cant remember.
Thanks for welcoming me back everyone. I appreciate it. Been gone a while. Lots of stuff going on in our life. Our T is awesome. That’s the good news. Our cat died, had Acute Renal Failure. That the bad news. We are ok overall. Got another car, trying to find a job. Been working hard in therapy. Learning. Getting out of the apartment more. Started a group on MeetUp for people who have isolation and social anxiety issues. I thought it would be great to find others like me who have a hard time going out. Lots of people signed up for it, but due to the issues that we had in common, nobody showed up. LOL! I guess I didn’t really think that through. But, we are still working on it, trying to coax people out of the houses and comfort zones. It’s just a group of women to get together and play card games or board games, etc. Big step for us to start the group. 🙂 Forgot that we too have the same issues and it got hard for a while for us to find times and days everyone was capable of leaving home. Oh.
It’s good to see you all. I hope I get this issue with the post figured out so I can see your posts and respond.
Take Care Of Yous!
Yeah KenKen….it kept just pulling up old comments and I had to keep refreshing the page to see anything new…..glad you persevered…..had to laugh about everybody signing up and then nobody showing up because everyone had the same issues…..”didn’t think that one through”!!! Bless your heart…keep hanging in there…..!
I am so sorry about your cat….losing a special “heart friend” like that is SO hard…..I still miss mine so much….we found a wooden Christmas tree cat ornament that looks like our Mr. Murphy and the young ones carry it around because we all miss him so much (he got cancer)……
Glad your T is awesome! After hearing so many nightmare stories about Ts, it makes me appreciate mine even more….! Hope you make much progress….! Me+We taught me to date my posts – it helps me to know where I am at….I feel scattered a lot and time lines can be hard for me….
Have a good day!
MissyMing
09/12/19
Don’t know what is going on with the site. “Recent comments” on the side of one article are not transferring over to the side on another article. And then when you do click on a recent one – it doesn’t show up anywhere on that article. They don’t show up on the “Home” tab either. Is it something on the DD end? Or is my computer wackier than usual?
MissyMing
09/23/19
Hey MissyMing — thanks for letting me know.
But, hmmmmmm, I’m not sure. We are doing some technical work right now, and I’ve asked the Tech Gal to check into this situation, just in case the work she is doing is impacting the site in ways we didn’t expect. As of right now, she does not think so. Her first guess is that it connected to your computer, not this site.
However, if you keep having issues, will you please keep me informed? I’m posting this comment to you, and hoping you’ll be able to see it, and that it will post correctly too, of course!
Thanks again, Missy Ming. I genuinely appreciate your being here and your dedication to this community.
And while I’m here…… Is ANYONE ELSE having this issue?? Please let me know if you are.
Warmly,
Kathy
OK Wait. When I refresh I see new posts. Maybe because I have an icon i click to get into DD is why I need to refresh to get newer info. Missy Ming had that idea and I just tried it. Worked. Maybe its that.
So ken ken — are you able to see all the recent comments now?
The 10 most recent comments will be mine (once I post this), then yours, then one from ME+WE, then me again, then Missy Ming, then 3 comments made by Ones, then 2 made by Raziel’s Halo.
Is that what you see?
I’m hoping that doing a REFRESH would be an excellent and quick answer.
kathy
Refresh does work. Also, I deleted older icon from my Firefox browser and replaced it with another link, but that didn’t work. Maybe your tech extraordinaire can help us understand? Plus, dunno if everyone does this but it helps me; I check the “Notify me of followup comments via e-mail” below where I can see the comments in an email but couldn’t find them on the page until I tried MissyMing’s idea of refresh.
Wasn’t this kind of thing the same issues we had before you “turned the page” and set up ONCS part 2?
When I just got to the DD home page on opening, the most recent comment shown is still from Fiona Keel….When I just now clicked on a comment from the “Still our Normal Complicated….”, it still showed Fiona as the most recent – but several attempts of refreshing just now brought up ya’ll’s comments. So maybe somehow the problem is connected to the Home page? I don’t know…this stuff is WAY over my head!
MissyMing
09/24/19
Several attempts of refreshing does seem to work – if you know that is what you need to do. Otherwise – you just think that nobody is talking! Refreshing from the Home page didn’t work for me (I tried several times)….it took refreshing from an article to get updated new posts to show.
Thanks Kathy!!
MissyMing
09/24/19
Hello Friends. Under another blog topic, MissyMing brought up what I feel is a very crucial part of the healing process and one that I struggle with. While each one of my insiders is distinct and separate in my mind, I also know that they are all a part of me. That is a real tough concept for me to take in.
To me, my insiders feel distinct from me. Their memories are not mine. Their feelings are not mine. Their manner of presentation and being is not mine. Their bodies and ages are not mine.
However, intellectually I know (or so my T keeps telling me) that they are all aspects of me. We are not separate. We are one. Sometimes I can see this, if the insider is one that I like and can identify with. Some of my insider’s have traits, looks, reactions, etc. that I do not want to own and accept as a part of me.
I know that in order for me to heal and feel whole I need to accept and own all of my parts as me. I am able to see their memories now as what happened to me — the narrative of my life. But, I cannot yet feel the emotions that my insiders felt and hold as their own. So, for example, I cannot cry for me. I can hear and believe what my insiders tell me happened to me, but I do not have the emotional response that my insiders hold. In my mind, I feel that I have to embrace the emotions to truly heal.
Hum … I am all over the place in this posting. I guess that I am curious about a few things:
Do you accept that your insiders are all a part of who you are?
Can our insiders remain separate from us and still be a part of us?
Do you (who ever the dominant outside person is) experience the full range of emotions that your insiders do?
How is denial a part of our healing?
Okay … too many questions. These are some of the things that I am wrestling with for myself right now.
03/08/20
Thanks for describing it Me+We…you found the words I couldn’t really find! I am in the same kind of boat….I can at times see “objectively”…it is when the emotion starts “connecting” that it freaks me out. And yes, I have seen and heard parts that scare me…I don’t want them to be there…I don’t know WHY they are there….and am still at a loss as to how to deal with them…..they say things that Outside “me” would be too scared to say…..usually it is when “Rage” triggers for some reason….
I’ll have to think on your questions….food for thought!
MissyMing
03/12/20
Just needing a pressure release valve…guess this is the right spot because my life sure feels “complicated” right now….just wish it wasn’t so “normal” for me…..ugh…..
This past week has been SUPER rough Inside….I have been fighting one of the classic symptoms of C-PTSD… hyper-vigilance about people and evidently a river of emotional flashbacks…..(Worm Moon? – I don’t know….)
All the panic is causing chaos with my job and my mouth keeps declaring the only “coping tactic” that seems to help put a lid on the bubbling overwhelm….”They can just fire me! I don’t care!”…..(My job has been a chronic source of triggerings for me since I have been there several years)……I have told co-workers that the statement is my coping tactic for panic….but they just look at me. What blows me away is that others have coping statements that sound WAY worse…but it seems to be OK for THEM – people just laugh……(just prove to me ONE MORE time how “different” I am!!….I can’t seem to fit in no matter how hard I try……)
The first 3 days was like seeing the turmoil as if through a fog deep under glass…I couldn’t figure out what was going on – which is really unnerving and leaves you off-balance….then BOOM! Slammed with stuff from every direction which sent me spiraling in other directions – some that are scary…. I keep telling my T….I don’t know which is WORSE – NOT being able to see what is going on but feeling horrible vague turmoil? OR – having it full blown in your face and you are trying to hang on while looking for the light at the end of the tunnel……my guess is – 6 of one….1/2 dozen of the other…..each angle is rough……
Desperation can produce reckless bravery….I put in a request for a small meeting with one of my bosses…hopefully he has enough compassion to not get frustrated with my need for answers and clarification……to know where I am at….I just gotta figure out HOW to sound “sane” and like an “adult” while I am talking to him – there is a strong tendency in me to feel like a little kid when I am around him – I don’t sound very adult at all….(I can’t believe I did that to myself – again…ugh)…….
So…in a bit, I am off to a meeting!….hopefully a “sane, adult, well-balanced” part will show up and get me out of the mess I just put myself into….it is NOT fun when your “bravery” backfires in your face and you just made yourself even more vulnerable…..”Complicated”??? …..Yeah – to the nth degree…..
MissyMing
03/13/20
I think things went OK…..felt really disconnected and babbled – probably too much….but at least I didn’t feel quite so much like a little kid – I don’t know WHO I felt like…..I guess time will tell as to if “I” said “too much”……He just sat there and watched me – and let me spew – for the most part…..at least he didn’t say, “I don’t think this is going to work – you should leave.”
I can only hope – that when I get like that – that the person I turn to has at least some little smidgen of compassion within them and doesn’t automatically judge and condemn me…..I keep trying….that’s all I can do……
MissyMing
03/15/20
“I keep trying….that’s all I can do……”
Indeed … that is all that we can do … keep on trying dear friend! We’ve got your back here!
🤗❤️
ME+WE
03/16/20
Thank you, Me+WE…. 🙂 Things don’t seem to be settling down Inside much at all….want to bite nails all the time…..or run….or……
Anyway…thank you for “being there” …..just knowing someone “gets it” helps to lessen the fear of vulnerability……
MissyMing
03/19/20
Where did we write about “popcorning”….here?….to our T?…..We don’t know – we are all scattered…..We know we have been writing a lot (but where?)….what we call “popcorning”…..pods and groups are bubbling and “stuff” suddenly “pops” up….but it is from so many directions….all scattered….all separated….we don’t know how they “fit”….or if they are even “supposed” to….but we can’t “stop” it….it “feels” important….”puzzle pieces” that are piling up….pieces we don’t know what to do with……
All that we can hold onto is that “popcorn” is “good” – Right?…..but what do you do when you are “swimming” in “popcorn”?????…..Brain is in “overload” – wants to “shut down”….We just keep trying to “breathe”…..just “breathe”…….
MissyMing
03/29/20
Whew! Didn’t know if I was going to make it….but just saw Objective and his Helper gathering up all the pieces of “popcorn”….(Objective just “sees” stuff – has VERY little – if any – “feeling”…wish I was more like him)…… it was funny watching them even stretch out with nets to get some of the pieces! YAY for them!!! YAY for them!!! ……They put them in different, separated piles and hid them out of my sight….. but I know THEM! I have SEEN them!…They will sort out and work on all the pieces….look at each one piece by piece….try to see what fits with what….THAT is THEIR job…..
They must have stronger brains than I do….mine just hurts….anyway – I have to be able to work…and NOT look “weird”……AND…I know that somewhere down the line they will give me a “flash” of something…..cause they know I “wonder”, too…..I “wonder” why the Inside “bubbling” hits so hard sometimes…..WHY is there INTENSE pressure just before it happens – like I am about to “explode” somewhere Inside?….. WHERE does the “pressure” come from?…Is it “good”?…or is it “bad”?….
I guess Objective must be much stronger than me…..and SMARTER!….He likes to do his job of puzzles….(He got us our “Bug House” when we were little so we could collect cocoons and wait to see what “popped” out of them!” – and he also made us “brave” to ask for a dissecting kit so we could see “inside stuff”…..)…So – how come we were “braver” when we were little than we are now?…..”We” just get overwhelmed by puzzles now….can’t even begin to put any together on the Outside…(collages hurt our head, too – things are TOO close together – the dividing lines aren’t thick enough – whatever THAT means)…..Our brain shuts down…. Sometimes we can catch glimpses of Objective working – he can do what we can’t (or don’t know HOW to) do….but we can’t watch him more than a few moments – cause then we start getting scared…we don’t know what HE is seeing….but it “feels” like it is bad……
Sooooo – we just try to do our Outside work good so our boss doesn’t jump our case about something….or gets us too confused with “conflicting instructions”…..ugh…..
MissyMing
03/29/20
Hi MissyMing,
Dare I say that Objective is a part of you and that means that you are just as strong and just as smart. 🙂
Now, when I feel stuff bubbling up and all in a confusing churn inside, that often signals that a big change or revelation or some such positive breakthrough is simmering and just ready to break through. I used to panic when I started to feel this way. Now I accept it as a seismic shift about to come that, in the long run, will offer fertile ground for new growth.
ME+WE
03/30/20
Oooooo! “Seismic shift”! That’s what it feels like! Standing right on the edge – don’t know what is going to happen next – you have to fight the fear that you are going to fall into the blackness of the unknown and never find your way out….”in the long run”….gotta keep my eye on THAT! The end sounds good….it’s the middle part that is rough!…..Thanks, Me+WE for the reminder of “the long run”!……..
MissyMing
03/31/20
Oh ya … “seismic shift” for sure. As a geographer, I call them my bifurcation points where there is a division or split taking place. I always think of this as requiring an extremely intense amount of energy. Then I am left with two branches in the stream of life, so to speak. I can keep going with the flow that I have always known or I can jump into the new flow and see where it takes me. Either way, things have changed. Either way, I fear being overwhelmed with what lies ahead. But, I have my water wings on now (my therapy, support network and my friends at DD and DDCF) so I do not worry about drowning. I may take in many gulps of water along the way but I will make it!
ME+WE
04/03/20
“Do you accept that your insiders are all a part of who you are?”
Yes. It was, and is, all me, my mind helping me to survive.
“Can our insiders remain separate from us and still be a part of us?”
Yes, but I believe this will be a blockage in our recovery and this part’s recovery. It is then more of a parasitic relationship instead of a symbiotic relationship.
“Do you (who ever the dominant outside person is) experience the full range of emotions that your insiders do?”
Mostly. Sometimes not. Still working on this. There, also, is still some expression that is not being expressed, specially sexually, because I don’t have a mate.
“How is denial a part of our healing?”
Denial is necessary for survival. Without it we would be forced to face what we are not able to face. This could kill us, in various ways due to the stress. Or, we may go totally insane with too much too soon. But, but, but, denial that goes unattended after it has helped us survive… will certainly lead us into more psychological problems. Denial is healthy as a phase or stepping stone, till we are able to get help, not forever.
I am a believer a lifetime of denial leads to things like Dementia and Alzheimers. There are many that never lose their minds, and have them, in tact, all the way to their death.
Denial is in place with a part of us holding “it” until we are ready, willing and able, to be there for the part, to show the part that we are capable and trustworthy to “take over” what the part has been doing all of her/his life. This part won’t give up her/his job of denial until s/he can trust us enough to let go of the reigns even a little. So the work is to establish trust first. Then, little by little, grow the relationship, till the big Self is doing the job of the part, in a new way, and the part doesn’t need to do it’s old job anymore (deny, distract, confuse, block, freeze, use addictions, etc). This is like an alcoholic mother getting healed and beginning to do for the child what she is supposed to do as a mother for a child; nurture, love, protect, feed, teach, share, model, communicate, etc.
You ask great questions, ME+WE, my good friend!
Naturluvr <3
4/15/2020
Oh my….ya’ll have given me so much to chew on I am quivering Inside……I have been in “denial turmoil” the last several days….I think my “pendulum” is swinging wild again because I have gotten “super sensitive” to anything that “looks” or “smells” like denial…..not just on the Inside…but the Outside as well….people denying the body language that I am watching them have…denying the “shut down” attitude they have with me….I try to ask them about it and they treat me like something is “wrong” with me…..
Insiders are also super on guard with anything that looks like denial from me toward them….if I start stepping in that direction, they will get in my face and just stare at me…..if I STILL am not getting it – Rage will start glaring at me…..Something must be happening Inside because every direction I look – I am banging my head against “denial”…..it is hard to know what to do….. I hope this is just a “phase”….cause it is sure NOT fun…..
Interesting that you talked about dementia….years ago I worked in a nursing home helping the elderly….. There was one wheelchair bound lady I worked with who had dementia and was still a “fireball”…very outspoken…knew what she wanted and basically demanded it….One day when I entered her room to help her with something, she suddenly looked up at me coming toward her and I saw her “shift” into a scared little girl….she started cowering in her wheelchair – trying to make herself as tiny as possible….she was whimpering and crying – a glazed look in her eyes as she kept saying, “Don’t hit me, Daddy….please don’t hit me anymore…I’ll be good…I’ll be good….Don’t hit me anymore…..”
I felt like I had been kicked in the gut and was about to bust out crying – I had to hurry back out of the room to keep from falling apart in front of her…..I didn’t know what to do with all the emotion that was going on Inside….I felt like I had just seen a glimpse of my future and it wasn’t pretty…….
I have never forgotten that incident…it is one of the things that keeps me pressing forward into my own “unknowns”…..I don’t want “stuff” bubbling up like that when I am that lady’s age….I can’t help but wonder how many elderly people are out there still needing to process their childhood traumas and fears….and I wonder how many of their “helpers” even understand what is going on…or have the “patience” to deal with it…..
My heart breaks for them….
MissyMing
04/20/20
MissyMing,
Most, if not all, of us are in different stages of denial about some things. We can’t know everything at once. We are only human.
When I see something everywhere, it’s usually a sign of something in me, that I need to look at and am not seeing. It’s a knock-knock, from the Universe. Don’t try hard to do something about it. Relaxing and letting go helps more. Whatever you need to know will come to you at its own time, and easier if you let it, than if you fight it or try to grab it, etc.
Naturluvr <3
4/20/20
Thought I would tackle this question, MissyMing.
“So – how come we were “braver” when we were little than we are now?
This is my guess and how I see it in me. One reason is because of compartmentalization. When I was little, there was more of it. Parts were separate from one another, and didn’t know of each other. So a tough and strong part could have it without threat or fear. That was her basic strength. Now, I know too much, have connections, feelings, fears, experiences that get in the way.
Another reason, or way to say it, and one I probably should have said first is DENIAL. I see this really well acted out in others, but I remember it in myself, too. Younger parts, which use denial the most–it is one of the defense mechanisms that more easily lends itself to the young ones–have the ability for a lot of denial. WHEN WE ARE IN COMPLETE DENIAL OF CONSEQUENCES, WE CAN DO ANYTHING WITHOUT FEAR. There are people walking on this earth thinking it’s macho to feel no fear, and weak to feel fear. (The one’s which are most obvious have stickers on their cars/trucks which say “NO FEAR!”)
So, you see, some people don’t have “so much courage.” They just have A LOT OF denial. That was me! ; ) It is healthy to feel fear. Fear is a very important feeling and can save our lives. (Best book on this is “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin De Becker)
A third one is lack of connection with feelings (which is a part of denial, but you can be in denial about one thing but not another, and still have lots of feelings). When we are hardly connected to our feelings we don’t feel the normal fear (grief, sadness, shame, and so on) we should/could feel and others feel.
I remember laughing at a girl in grade school because she was crying over something I thought was “stupid.” This was insensitive on my part, but back then, I was SO tough = cut off from my feelings. I feel sorry about this now and would certainly apologize, if I could.
Keep on expressing yourself, MindyMing. You go girl! And great job keeping it together at work. Remember to commend yourself and parts, give yourself kudos, focus on the positive whenever you can. Try not to accentuate the negative, elaborate on how you are different, etc. We are all different. People are not necessarily what they (who they) appear. Many people are just more polished on the outside than we are, or more in denial and/or in control (I used to be), better actors and actresses. Only some are more mature. It’s good to remember most people are scared on the inside, worried by what others might think, feel inadequate or insecure in some way.
Take good care.
Naturluvr <3
4/15/2020
Thanks, Naturluvr <3…..I am working on it! I think one of my problems is that I can't figure out "who" I am or "how" I am to be….I think it is confusing people around me, too…..I started out so quiet and obedient, a "non-complainer" who went overboard in "above and beyond"….. NOW stuff comes out of my mouth that they don't know what to do with….ALL I can feel Inside is "I AM where I AM"…..I AM who I AM" – whatever all that means…..I just know that stuff bubbles out that normally NEVER would – referring to my opinions of things…my frustration with situations……it was TOO scary to express "anger" before….NOW – when it bubbles out – I am bouncing between panic about it and being totally OK with it…..I don't know which "one" is right……
"Commend" myself? Give "kudos" to myself? Not there yet….but trying to see that it SHOULD exist…but I am not there yet…….Thanks for some more thoughts to chew on!
MissyMing
04/20/20
MissyMing,
“… people denying the body language that I am watching them have…denying the “shut down” attitude they have with me….I try to ask them about it and they treat me like something is “wrong” with me…..”
Yep. I’ve seen this many times. In my experience, we need to get away from a person at that moment. Nothing we say will get through to them.
There are so many people in myriad stages of denial. It’s scary sometimes just speaking up for oneself in public. (I do it anyway.) There are always people that will accuse us of being in the wrong when we are totally in the right!
“I can’t help but wonder how many elderly people are out there still needing to process their childhood traumas and fears….and I wonder how many of their “helpers” even understand what is going on…or have the “patience” to deal with it…..”
Yes. I think too many of the workers in nursing homes are ignorant, in denial, and aggravate the patrons worse. At least, that’s what I saw the short time I worked in one.
And yet… dare I say it… the Universe puts us right where we belong where there is the best chance for growth and awakening, and is best for all. So, I don’t spend too much time feeling sorry for people because I trust they are where their level of consciousness has taken them. The Universe is always looking out for our higher good, if we let it. Whatever is happening, is there for a good reason, and if it is bad, the bad will lead to growth and awakening, to more good, if we let it.
Be kind to yourself about the denial. Relax and allow whatever is to be. That seems to be the most painless way to growth. Anything else is controlling, manipulative, and/or resistance, which just causes more trouble. This is easier said than done, I know. Specially when we were taught the ways and games of the latter, and were unsafe to feel or be in a space of the former.
Now, we must create that space for ourselves.
My 2 cents.
Naturluvr <3
4/20/20
I love your 2 cents, Naturluvr<3…..this is all new territory for me….speaking up, standing up for myself, NOT being OK with something that is NOT OK…not letting myself go numb and being taken advantage of….having boundaries….letting others know that I am "real" and not just compliant to everything….
I am aware that sometimes it takes "anger" (or even Rage) to take such steps to "protect" myself….that parts who carry those emotions are trying to counteract the parts who carry so much fear about even taking such steps…..it leaves me bouncing Inside in confusion…it is OK…it is NOT OK…..
It is HARD to walk through….but it is all bringing into focus the existence of parts who carry the intensity of those emotions….where is SO much fear coming from?….why is it so "paralyzing"?…..What is their story?…..Why is it taking so much internal "Rage" to try to find "balance"?….
I know that "Rage" has been there deep a LONG time….he was there all through my teens when I felt like a "walking volcano" – going numb to keep the "lid" on him….desperately denying his existence…because you weren't supposed to have a "voice"…..you were supposed to simply "obey"….and keep your mouth shut…..When I left home and entered the work-force….Rage definitely was not allowed….you do what you are told…you don't "complain"……you be the "super employee" – no matter what it costs you….your time, your space, your boundaries, your sense of "self"……
Well….I guess I am at the age now where Rage is saying, "It's time you see that I exist – and there is a reason WHY I do…."…and all these "parts" and "pieces" of me that carry such strong fears and flashes are bubbling in my face….parts that I don't know what to do with because they have always been "buried" deep…I never allowed myself to "feel" their emotion because I always denied their existence…their story…….
I guess I have to "feel" the type of "fear" that that elderly lady was showing – to acknowledge that it was even there…..I was "seeing" in her what was actually in me….and it shook me to my core because I didn't want to see it….denial, denial, denial…..but the "parts" are crying out to be heard…yup – that's probably why I am banging my head against denial everywhere…..
Yup! I can look back over my life and see how step by step I have been slowly getting to this point….as much as I can handle, moment by moment…..
Thanks, Naturluvr for that reminder that everything is under control – even though I feel so out of control…..every step is for a purpose…..
MissyMing
04/21/20
Just one more thing, Naturluvr, that I want to share…It is on how the “Universe” has everything in perfect timing and control…..my sense of “Universe” is my belief in God…Years ago, there was a verse from the book of Psalms that kept “hounding” me….I could not get away from it….”He hears the sigh of the prisoner and delivers those that are appointed to death”…..I figured it was because I was going into the jails to try to help people there….
But it always “felt” like there was something more..there was something about the word “sigh” that wouldn’t leave me alone……I started researching the original meanings of the words and found that the word “sigh” came from a word that meant “the shriek of the gecko”…which, of course, made NO sense to me at all…but I still felt to keep researching….
It made NO sense until I found an article written by someone who raised geckos….he stated that as many years as he has been raising geckos…there was a sound that he could never get used to…it would pierce to the depths of him….it was the shriek that a baby gecko made when it was afraid….
It was a good thing I was alone when I read that because I burst out crying….God (the “Universe”) was letting me know He saw to the very depths of me…..I had NEVER, EVER told ANYONE about the “wails and the screams” I would hear way deep Inside me….such deep cries of fear coming from some “young” part of me…..I always thought I was just “crazy”, but in that moment I KNEW it was the beginning of a new journey for me…a journey I was so clueless in understanding…..
I also found that verse very interesting in how descriptive it was of this journey….SO MUCH going on Inside – yet the world (Outsiders) only “hears” a “sigh”……I am so grateful for this site….a place where the “sigh” can be heard for what it REALLY was – AND is…the struggles, the fears, the walk of “survival”…….
MissyMing
04/21/20