Wow — our first place to write anything has been a WONDERFUL success…. with well over 1,000 comments, and many ongoing conversations between dissociative survivors. Three cheers for Our Normal Complicated Selves!!
And like you, I was having trouble opening the page. I guess 1000+ comments on one page feels heavy to the internet ?? Not sure.
But even so — let’s just start a second page for ONCS here, and that will hopefully help.
Keep on writing !!
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Warmly,
Kathy
Copyright © 2008-2021 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
Hello….does anyone still read or post on the blog? Missing everyone.
I’m gonna spill here. It may end up very long, so…
I haven’t been on these pages in a long time. 2018 seems like forever ago. Can’t believe it’s only been 5 years.
I met Maica, my previous therapist, about the time I stopped coming around here. She was my therapist for 3.5 years. About 6 months into therapy she started telling me about reparenting. How as a kid I didn’t get needs met and didn’t have anyone who could love me, she talked about corrective experiences and developmental stuff that i can’t remember anymore.
One Saturday morning she texted me out of the blue. She wasn’t responding to me. She just said, Good Morning. I stared at my phone for a minute wondering what was happening. Therapist don’t text their clients like that. I don’t know what to do. So I replied, Good Morning, then dropped my phone like a hot potato. Next time I saw her we not only discussed that but this whole reparenting idea of hers as well. I told her I won’t call her mom. She said we can find other names. I went home from session that day and thought about it. Part of my ancestry is Romanian. I looked up the words for mother and daughter in that language and told her the next time I saw her she was Maica and I was Fiica. Mother and daughter in Romainian.
For the next 3 years we had a very bizarre relationship. She began by texting, then she started picking me up to drive around the city, out to lunch or dinner. I started going out to her house. She told me story after story of her family and friends. Sometimes it felt like she was bragging. She knew I had none of that and it hurt to hear all about it. Plus, it didn’t take too long into it that we stopped telling her about us. She wanted us to be a part of here and now, and she said she loved us and wanted us to be a part of her family. Our experiences are mostly in our head. We’re shut-ins. No family, no friends, no community, no outside life to chew on.
The second year with her, for my birthday, she took us out for dinner at one place, coffee at another, other places. She planned it all out and it was fun. She gave us presents…one of them being a necklace. (About 3-4 months prior I showed her pictures of us growing up. One of which was my freshman year photo in high school. In that photo I had a necklace on that was given to me by my stepfather (biggest abuser) who gave it to me for my 13th birthday. It was a hush present.) So, this day she took me all around and planned a fun birthday for me, she gave me a necklace that she put on me as she told me everyone needs to be claimed. To feel loved. I honestly felt frozen. But it was a gift that was supposed to have meant good. Over the years she gave us other presents, more dinners, more running around.
Sometime during all this she told me her wife was gone a lot. Work and taking care of her father who was dying, but Maica missed her. She told me many things about Gail. One thing being that Gail had asked Maica if she was in love with me. ????
I’m not sure if she realized what she was saying to me but I interrupted her and told her I wanted to know the answer to that too. Because I had thought over time that maybe there was something going on in her like that, too. She told me no. I wanted to know what she’s been telling Gail to give her that idea. She never answered. She saw that she said too much, she didn’t want me to know. It wasn’t long after that I met Gail. I never wanted to. I dont want to know anything about her family and friends. She wanted me to meet her friends and brother. I dodged those people. She asked me to Christmas dinner two different years. The first year I said no. The second year it took a couple weeks of talking about it, then I said yes. Then she dropped it. I waited to hear the date and time. She stopped talking about it altogether. I started thinking she’s playing me. I only met Gail so Maica could prove to her that she wasn’t in love with me. Maybe just by watching me Gail would understand that she didn’t have those feelings. She felt motherly towards us. That is all.
I worked for her. She just wanted to give me money but I said no. I will work for it though. So I did. Even took care of her mother in law while she was dying and Gail was in the hospital with stage 4 cancer. About a week after I looked after her MIL, her MIL died. I was gone before Gail died.
. I also bought weed for her. She didn’t want to get a license because she didn’t want to go inside stores where maybe a client could be there. Im still paying her to be my therapist. No big deal though. So many boundaries crossed. What’s one more. Her idea was that we would never smoke together. We never did, but she’d get high sitting in her car waiting on me to do something inside somewhere. I could smell it when I opened the door. I dont smoke and drive. But apparently she did. I guess it was ok to be high around me (in the passenger seat of her car) but not with me. Cray.
So so so many other things. When Gail got sick, I was there for Maica. She had family and friends and could go see another therapist. I had only her. And all the scary horrible things cancer does, not only to the patient but to her family. I tried very hard to be supportive but I was drowning too. Scared, worried, alone. My therapist/mother needed help. She told me every single detail. I wanted to know some but not all. I wanted to know how she was doing. She wanted to tell me about Gail. I wanted someone to listen to me. She stopped talking to us. She ignored the kids who adored her. She didn’t have the ability to deal with us. I had to quit.
I tried quitting 4 times. The first three she said that’s not what she wanted. I wanted to go see another therapist and still have her as a mother. She said that won’t work. I had no one during all this crazy scary stuff. I needed out. We don’t want to give up our Maica. We lost our mother at 16. We found another. We need out of therapy with her. She said we’re not friends and if therapy goes away so does the mother/daughter thing. We stayed. Quit again. Stayed again.
One day, in October 21, I insisted I had a regular session. No driving, no me going out to her house. Get on the phone and treat me like you do all your other clients, I told her. So she called for our appt. I was exhausted with all the drama, I wanted to talk about us. Not her/me us…me/us us. I couldn’t think of anything to say. She started asking me questions about my brother (whom I hadn’t seen in almost 40 years). Out of the blue. I remembered her telling me a few years prior that Gail and Gail’s brother hadn’t talked in 40 years either. I realized she wasn’t asking about my brother for me, she was asking because Gail’s brother emailed Gail and Maica wanted to know what I thought about it. Should she email back and what I thought about it all. I was so angry. I know Gail is dying. I know Maica is sick with stress and the tremendous amount of worry and pain. I talked to her for a while. Told her I thought it’d be a good idea. Maybe mend some pain. Then told her “but the sad part for me is I will never get to have that.” Her only reply was, “I know”. So I paid her for that session too. And that’s when I realized we were not ever going get what we need from her. She is not our mother.
It took us until Dec 16, so about two months before we quit again. This time I flat out told her I needed her to back me up in that. I needed her to stop texting, calling, everything. I needed her to ignore us if any one of us reached out to her. I yelled at her, screamed my head off. Told her off. And so many bad things i said. I regret it so much. She told me to hold on and wait for her. I yelled some more. She was in my house. She finally left.
The next three months we spent in complete darkness. Frozen.
It’s been over a year and a half since that day. I have a new therapist. Known him for two months. Got brave enough to tell him about our internal world the other day. That went so badly that I cancelled next week. Trying to decide if it’s worth it anymore. Maybe get another therp and never tell them about insiders. IDK.
Anyway, that’s not everything in the past five years, but it’s enough.
Thanks for letting me vent. 7/15/23
I’m struggling to find the words to express how harmful the “plural” movement is especially for those of us with DID.
The degree of harmful misinformation being spread – especially claims trauma isn’t the cause, the bullying and name calling encouraged by plurality websites which are directed ONLY at those who have DID and don’t support them (like traumscum) and the awful and oppressive dynamics and behaviors – including the entitlement and superiority inherent that claims plurality is desirable and casts those who don’t agree as “less than” and mentally ill.
The amount of money being earned from targeting people who have not found appropriate professional health is awful… the most prominent people being those who continually sell you accepted to think and promote only peer resources when they themselves had had years of good professional help – it’s so dangerous.
There is no “social” or “cultural” transmission of DID or anything like it – only the false claim that only some people have different sides to themselves combined with attempting to make it into a desirable identity, including the welcoming of cultural appropriation of closed Tibetan Buddhism now renamed to “parogenic” because apparently “tulpamancer” is less fashionable.
The harm this is causing and the appropriation of facts about DID with the plural label slapped on it instead is awful.
The constant stream of dishonesty and bizarre interpretations of the DID treatment guidelines are all about hostility and attacking and not about positivity.
It’s the language of oppression without the oppression… “ableist”, “sanist”, combined with appropriation offensive from minorities … how do so many fall for this nastiness based on aggression towards particular professionals but directed at all? And they ALWAYS have something to sell and ALWAYS claim the cost goes down to zero… then why charge anything?
As an abuse survivor in multiple marginalised and unrelated groups, it is so hard to see this underhand and dishonest, insidiousness, that feels entitled to make demands about DID services and therapists while not even being a mental health or survivor organization.
Why are all the Plural founders white people? With amazing access to resources and a huge sense of entitlement? Selling an ideal that isn’t possible, earning unknown sums and refusing to call help for suicidal people?
How many dodgy social media influencers are promoting and earning (did you know that the biggest DID-tiktok person gets $250,000 a year just from tik tok?
How many more people with DID will be lost to suicide after going down the rabbit hole of false promises and manipulation and being sold the lie that trauma is to be avoided even more, that it is safe to make friends with the role players and people googling how to create extra personalities?
And now even charities are engaging with and giving credit to the utter nastiness and aggression… it’s so hard to avoid seeing it online… just stop.
I / we am lucky to be alive and to be in a pretty decent place these days but I feel despair at what is being enabled and promoted, and anxiety at when it will all blow up, and how it al feels like another dissociaDID split and explosion in the DID community.
Sometimes I think “we” are making progress. Other times, I’m positive “we” are not making progress. Sometimes I think it would be better if “we” didn’t think about mpd/did , or work on getting better, and maybe even quit seeing our therapist of 30+years. Can’t we just forget it. Get out minds on something else. Forget all this stuff about being multiple! Wouldn’t that be great!!
And I feel the stomping and upset inside of the ones who feel unwanted, unloved, deserted with no one to care for them. Just like I felt when I felt abandoned over and over and over again. When I felt like a piece of trash that was being thrown in the trash can.
And I hear the words of my therapist in my head: “How do you think that makes them feel?” “No wonder they can’t trust you.”
1/28/23
Hello I’m slowly but steaddily navigating around the site,
It’s has given me so much reassurance in being able to heal and connect with my own parts.
I’m the most dossorganised person and while I’m super excited to astart working with my insiders, it’s rather difficult to stop reading all the articles, the way I cam relate to what I’m is just so uplifting to know there is an easy way to understand it and to offer a better way of describing things is the most valuable asset
Kathy and the whole team have made everything so much ore appealing g fore and I’m enjoying the ease of understanding more about our functioning. Thank you so much Kathy.
I so resonate to what you are saying Welshlady. For months and months my first insider to come out with my T would talk to her but not me. My T asked her to tell me what she was telling her. My insider would keep saying that she was trying to tell me but I was not listening. That frustrated the heck out of me. I would meditate for over an hour every morning trying to communicate with her and I would hear nothing. Then one day it dawned on me … she was telling me her story with body memories. I was listening with my ears and head and not my body.
Building communication with insiders can take so many different forms. There is no one route to this end. But, I truly believe that it starts with kindness, openness and a willingness to “hear” in whatever way that they are able to tell us. First, however, they have to want to tell us and I think that starts with trust and trust starts with consistency and honesty.
Just my take on it.
ME+WE
11-14-22
Just wondering which of Kathy’s articles people are finding helpful or if there is a topic anyone would like to chat about on here?
I am struggling with communication with any insiders (apart from adults as we are working well together) at the moment especially younger ones but can’t seem to work out why. They are very distant. Have decided to just ‘go with the flow’ but the unease is growing. So many responses inside…..go with the flow and stop worrying, have a break; they are being silenced you need to help them; they are all just imagination which is why they are disappearing; leave them stuck in the past where they belong and so it goes on. Then again all these responses are not wrong. They are all valid. Maybe I need to explore each of them ?
Welshlady
10/06/22
I sure wish I had some words of wisdom but I struggle with the same thing. I’ve been told to nurture my younger parts, but honestly half the time I forget they’re there. I know that sounds bad, but a therapist once told me I have a well-working DID system, so maybe that’s why I’m not always so aware. For that matter, I don’t even think of being a multiple a lot of the time. I’m not saying this is a healthy way to live, I just don’t know any alternative.
I would like to discuss this further if possible. I have a feeling if I put out consistent effort I’d be more advanced in knowing and understanding my littles.
We are struggling with the harsh reality of the truth of our life as well as facing the potential of leaving H. We left the forum a little while ago to focus on more body oriented therapies. We knew what this would mean. We knew we were becoming more aware of both the past and the present – unable to switch or dissociate like before, unable to ignore or dissociate from triggers. Own the many views, experiences , opinions, needs, wants yet we still physically hold feelings in, hide the inside world so ‘no one knows’. Keep the secret at all costs. It’s like parts have ‘grown’ into owning this body. Grown bigger and stronger. Pressure inside this body and mind is growing as this system desperately struggles to keep the inside world from connecting with the outside world. Keep the truth at a distance, outside of everyday life. At the same time communication inside has become disconnected, distant. As the front person for this system I actually feel very lost and alone. Therapy is not helping….we arrive with so much stirred up inside and overwhelmed …….and we leave the same. There is processing and understanding but also more and more connections, more being revealed. More becoming real. Never ending connections yet no communication between me as front person and insiders…..so it seemed. One way communication. But then it started to dawn on me that it’s not one way. I am communicating differently by focusing on this body. We may not be talking or writing but we are ‘remembering’. Together. I don’t understand it yet but somehow being more body aware is waking them up, bringing them alive. We are learning it’s ok to be in the same world as everyone else……and not be in danger. There is a strength in this body. Hardest part is that it’s also turning everyday life upside down. Becoming aware of the betrayal and emotionally abusive relationship we are in. Being present and aware is so much harder than I ever thought it would be but there’s no going back. No going back to denial. Disbelief is an escape at times but even that is fading away. It’s lonely. It’s big. It’s all consuming. No one to share this new awareness of the truth of our life with around us. That would be too much right now so it’s a lonely, sad, uncertain time where the only person holding the flag of hope is T.
Hello Welshlady,
I just saw your question asking me would I like to keep in touch. The answer is yes with a “Y”. And thank you for the invitation. I’m not always able to write as quickly as I would like to, and sometimes I don’t get another notification on my regular email .. it goes to the junk bin. But I’ve learned that I need to look there or else I miss notifications.
Thank you so much. I hope you’re having a semi – smooth day.
Sincerely,
My/selves+Me
10-05-22