One of the most important elements to working with DID Systems is doing internal system work. Sometimes these techniques and processes are a little hard to explain, but fortunately, I have the permission to show you an example of some real-life, honest-to-goodness internal system work done with a dissociative system.
This person had been feeling very down and discouraged a few days before this. It was also around the lunar eclipse time, so for lots of DID system with night-time parts, or for folks with Ritual Abuse histories, the unusual patterns of the moon often are very intense times, full of memories and triggers.
It was a scary night.
And scary times are often connected with suicidal feelings. Let me explain.
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In my experience, DID survivors often feel suicidal around anniversaries of trauma days (or nights).
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Also, inside parts — well, anyone in the system — may feel suicidal in the days before a memory surfaces from within, especially if there is a lot of fear connected to the memory.
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When remembering memories, suicidal feelings can increase, especially if the survivor was terrified by death-threats made at the time of the trauma, or following the trauma.
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Survivors may feel suicidal when they are remembering a memory where in the memory itself, they wanted to die, instead of having to complete the traumatic event when it was happening.
Knowing this dissociative survivor was having a difficult time, we decided to have a chat on the phone. I was hoping to be able to help this person through a terribly difficult night.
Jenny and I had an excellent talk — and I’ll let her tell you more of the story from here:
By Jenny:
I want to tell the truth.
It’s gonna be really hard to write but I want to tell you first that all the trigger warnings need to be heard because I don’t know if it will be bad to read it but it could be and I don’t want to hurt anybody.
I want to tell everybody on Discussing Dissociation that we rescued an insider and how we did it. And also to tell you that because we did it we, all of us are gonna be a lot better over time. This one night isn’t gonna make everything better all at once and there’s a lot of worry about what will happen next. We don’t know. But it was good to do this. And maybe Kathy can tell you what she thinks so you know and we know that after some time talking with her the fears of being in trouble will go away.
I am 13 years old and I come from the Dark Side inside our system. I left there a long time ago. I still have the same job as I always did but instead of being a guard for the DS, I am now a guard for the fronts, and everybody inside so we don’t go to bad places and do bad things or get involved with old bad people or new bad people.
I had to be out in Outside World to keep Nox from coming out last night. It was the full moon but it was also a total eclipse and a very scary night for a lot of people inside.
We don’t do those things anymore. We don’t know anyone anywhere in Outside World anymore that does those things.
I try to keep Nox from coming out because he thinks he still has to do his job. He still thinks it’s 1974, and a lot of people inside are afraid of him.
I hid the keys and wallet, and sat on the couch, out in the body, but looking inside and waiting for him to show up. I will fight Nox if I have to. He screams all the time and he’s got power to get past all the fronts. I try to do my best and help.
Kathy wrote and asked if we wanted to talk. B was gonna ignore the message until after last night so she wouldn’t have to hear about any of it. She wanted to write back after the weekend and pretend everything was okay. But, I answered the email and said, “yes please”. I can be brave enough to tell if the fronts are brave enough to let me.
I got to talk to Kathy about a lot of cool stuff first, like how pretty her hair is. It’s pink!
I want my hair to have green in it. I like the way her hair is. And we talked about some other stuff before we started talking about what full moons mean and what we were afraid of for last night.
I told her about Nox. Kathy is good at asking questions and I don’t feel scared of her or afraid to answer so when she started telling me to look inside and find him, I did.
*** trigger warning ***
When I looked inside, I found Nox in a cage. It was hanging from a tree in the dark out in the woods. He was screaming. Naked, bloody, and wild looking. I got very very scared and Kathy helped me come closer to back out here so I didn’t feel so scared.
I stayed out here looking in most the time. I was the one who told about what was happening and being said.
Kathy asked if there was anybody inside willing to go help him. Someone with a nice voice and who won’t scare him. Harmony is our internal good mom. Really good, not upside down and backwards fake good. Harmony is very kind to everybody and takes care of all the children and talks to everybody who wants to talk. Eric came from the DS too. Not too long ago either. He knows a lot about it. He’s not afraid of anything over there. Lawrence and Lora went too.
Kathy said maybe we can make the cage larger so he wasn’t so cramped in there. Then we talked about ways to help him. We got him out of the tree and made the cage larger, but we didn’t want to let him out of it at first. He was really screaming and wild, and everybody was afraid if he got out he’d try to hurt people. We talked about putting soft blue light around him, and then we talked about giving him a room with soft light blue walls and light blue light so his eyes won’t hurt.
So that’s what the others was doing and I was telling Kathy what was happening and we were all trying to come up with other things that would help him feel better.
We talked about music but that was a NO. We talked about stuffed animals but that was a NO too. We put pillows and blankets inside his cage for him. Even though we have a room for him, right now he still feels better in the cage. It’s open and he can get out of it when he wants. We put a bed in the room and a bathroom nearby. We put shelves of books and toys they thought would be good for a boy. He’s got a tv if he ever wants to see it. Then we thought about giving him a gameboy to play with when he was calmed down enough to try it.
Harmony tried to clean him up but he fought her so she stopped trying then. Later she was able to wash him and give him some water and food. He’s got wounds on him but Harmony can’t fix those yet. Kathy said it’s okay for now, they can help with those when he is better enough to let them.
I don’t know how long all that took. I talked with Kathy for a long time but it didn’t seem very long. And it was very very scary at some points of it and everybody felt sick and sad and was crying for him. He’s only 8 or 9. But now he’s in a safe place away from there.
The guys said they are gonna burn down those woods where we found Nox. Kathy said make sure everybody and all the critters are outta there first. I don’t know what they are doing now, I think they are out there searching for others still. But when they know nobody else is out there they are going to destroy the place so he never ever has to go back.
When Harmony thinks Nox is ready to see out here, B is gonna show him Outside World. Outside the windows and around our apartment and let him know that we live here now and all those people from when he was living there are gone. Kathy said it would be a good idea to tell him B is old now and those people live thousands of miles away and are probably “old geezers” and we think most of them are dead by now anyway. It would be good to let him know that.
I think that’s the whole story of last night. I didn’t tell some of it because it would be too bad for me to say and for anybody to hear.
When Nox wants to talk to somebody and tell more of his life he can talk to someone on his own in private. It’s okay I said this much. Nobody inside is making me not. It took a lot of people helping and it helped all of us to have Kathy help us help. It’s good to have an outside safe person to help with this.
Remember what she said her mom taught her; “Help others, help others”. I don’t know if teaching others how to help others is what she meant but that’s what Kathy does. We want to help others too.
That is why I wrote this. To tell you we did it and it didn’t take long and nobody got hurt and everyone is okay and it’s gonna take a long time to heal for Nox but now he has that chance. Getting the kids out of the DS to show them around here and let them learn how to be kids and not be afraid is what all people that have problems like we do need. It can be done because we just did it. And even if it’s scary and sad it is better than leaving them alone to live terror every single day.
Plus, every time we write and tell and be brave it gives us more power and takes away the power of the people in Outside World that hurt all of us so bad.
PS: After sending this to Kathy so you all can read it we will have backlash from it. B said we will live through that too and we can take the power out of that to by doing it anyway then not acting out the demands. But, I do have to ask if it was okay? We don’t want to hurt anyone out there in any way at all.
From B:
After the past few weeks of being run down by disappointments and frustrations in our everyday life, (and having a meltdown with suicidal thoughts), I was so worn out. I said I don’t want to live a lie of pretend. I don’t want to live this life anymore and I don’t want to make up another one.
At that time I wasn’t thinking about asking anyone inside how they were or if there was anything “up” that may be causing some of their emotions to leak through to me. But a couple days before the full moon this month, I started sensing/feeling things I attributed to all the crappy disappointment and struggles we have lived through in the past 8 years.
Jenny is right. I didn’t want to know about what was happening inside. I didn’t want to hear about it and I did try to avoid it. After a while of thinking. I was going to avoid listening to it. Jenny answered the email and I went above inside to my private place.
What Jenny said and what the others did, I witnessed. I came out and talked with Kathy after they did all the work inside. I am partially ashamed because I wasn’t involved, but mostly knocked-out impressed with Jenny and Nox and the other adults that went to rescue him.
When I spoke with Kathy, we talked about how hard it is to know these horrendous terrible awful things that happened to our small and helpless children in our past. Kathy said she understood that and it makes sense. I told her I don’t know how anybody can survive themselves after knowing what they were witness to and what they were made to do in those disgusting circumstances. She told me she would feel the same way if it kept happening day after day after day.
But, Nox is now out of there and the memories are now memories and not constant re-enactments.
I still feel sick. I still feel very shaky. I feel distant from it so that helps some. I know Nox will need my help too. And when he’s ready, (and I am more ready), I will be out here willing to show him around.
Back to Kathy:
What a powerful statement of inside work! Wow!
THANK YOU, Jenny and B, for being so brave in sharing this.
Where to start in my comments in response…..
Here is a list of what this Dissociative System did right:
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Jenny was brave enough to talk. She had the courage to address the issues that were happening, and to get help with the hard stuff.
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Jenny was able to keep the whole system safe from harm — she was strong and determined to keep the body inside their home, far away from anyone who would hurt them.
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Jenny was able to stay outside in the front of the system even when it was difficult, she stayed connected to the here-and-now, she stayed grounded, and she spoke with me while simultaneously looking inside to see what was happening.
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Jenny was able to locate the inside person who was feeling the most distress at that time. She knew this person, and could see them internally.
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A whole team of insiders was able and willing to help out with the internal situation, allowing Jenny more space to talk with me, in the outside world, staying connected over the phone.
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This system responded with 100% kindness, gentleness and compassion to their insider who was obviously feeling distress, lost in a terrifying memory, being extremely noisy, and locked in a scary internal landscape. Despite the obvious difficulties with this situation, this system was not too scared to help him — they immediately went to his aid.
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This DID system knew that they could make changes to their internal world, and they were able to immediately make the changes needed, adjusting their internal landscape in ways that were immediately helpful.
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This DID system was creative in finding solutions that were helpful for the insider who was in such distress. They were quick to see what wasn’t helpful, and found new ideas that would work, tailoring what they were doing to exactly fit the needs of their insider.
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They were able to think ahead — coming up with creative ways to give this little 8-year old boy part exactly what any 8-year old boy might like to have in his room. They weren’t neglecting him, or forcing him to do anything that he wasn’t ready to do. However, they created interesting opportunities for him, once he was ready to explore.
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This system started feeling protective of the little one who had been creating problems for them. Instead of seeing him as a “bad guy / trouble maker”, they immediately took on the attitude of helpfulness. They were willing to get little Nox away from the places where he was feeing hurt, and started working to remove the internal locations that were triggering for him.
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With gentleness and patience, Harmony began addressing the injured child’s needs and wounds. This process does take time, and Harmony has the patience and kindness needed to allow the little one to feel safe, secure, and tended.
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B did a lot more to help the situation than she realizes. She may have had her own frustrations, but she did not get in the way of others in her system getting the help they needed. Besides, chances are, B’s role is more connected to the outside world, and her strengths are there, while others inside can do the internal work.
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B still watched, even from the place that is fitting for her. Instead of turning her back or refusing to acknowledge the internal pain, she paid attention from a safe distance, clearly helping to maintain overall system balance.
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B was able to help process the emotional aftermath and deeper issues connected to the trauma experienced by her system, and more specifically, with little Nox. These issues are important to manage and resolve as they help release the DID survivor system from long-lasting impacts of trauma.
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B has made a clear commitment to provide ongoing help, support, and encouragement for her DID system.
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This DID System as a whole has the willingness to help themselves AND to help others. Their courage is impressive, and what a great way to provide encouragement to others!
I hope you’ve found this helpful!
There will be more to this story, as clearly, it takes longer than a few hours to address the needs of a severely abused insider. But what a change, and what a difference in just a few hours — from screaming and being trapped in a horrifying PTSD memory to quietly resting in a safe, comforting environment.
How can that change NOT make a difference in how the whole system feels ?!!?!!
Doing internal system work can truly make a change in your life.
Instead of the little 8-year old being trapped in a state of trauma, still actively in a traumatized state, he was rescued and removed from that scary place, taken to a safe place, and his needs were addressed properly with care and compassion. Consequently, while still scared, he was no longer in an acute state of trauma. Within a few minutes, this little boy was able to calm down, settle down, and start resting.
And then…. that calmness spread throughout the system, because of course, once the highly triggered and distressed insider was able to rest, the whole of the system was able to rest more as well.
Do you know how to help your insiders like this?
Do you have the courage to go into their internal locations and help them get out of their trauma?
Do you have insiders who will help tend to the needs, emotionally, and physically, of your hurting ones?
I hope so. Because EVERY part in your system deserves safety, kindness, and proper care. I strongly encourage you to follow B’s system example…. Be willing to do your inside work!
If you have any questions or comments, feel free to write below.
I wish you and ALL your insiders the best in your healing journeys.
Warmly,
Kathy
PS: If you need assistance doing your own internal work, please know you can request a Phone Consultation with me (Kathy), or an Email Consultation with Laura.
Copyright © 2008-2018 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
Didn’t read thread cuz life’s real busy. Craziness, not bad, just stressful. But I knows I got parts that’ll help if I need them cuz now and again I knows they being around. Mostly they gone now though.
Just was thinking bout how when I used to get my women’s time there was often trouble. Dunno if it was hormones or I think for me it was the flow that triggered me. Lotta mixed feelings around alla that at the time.
But now I post menopausal, yahooooo! No more fuss!
Just a thought.
Dunno.
Hope everyone is doing ok.
Being multiple is GOOD once you get a handle on stuff. Nobody’s life is perfect.
Hope this isn’t stupid or wrong words. Hope not. Wanna bring good to folks, not bad.
Hi Ones. Been some time since we chatted last. What you have written here really made me step back and take another look at some events in my life. My insiders did not start to make themselves know to me until I was 59 years old — well post-menopausal. Funny but my husband said that he was going to write a book and call it — I Just Thought It Was PMS! Anyway, I have had issues in the past with my woman parts. The once was when we were making a final decision to have children or not. I had a period that lasted eight months. Then when I started to hear about what happened to me when I was little — BAM — I had a big problem that lasted a couple of years of doctors, ultrasounds, two day surgeries, etc. … I do not think that it is coincidental. Yes hormones play a part. But, I believe that so many memories and so much pain is stored in our bodies that it comes out in all kinds of ways.
Just love when you say … ” Being multiple is GOOD once you get a handle on stuff. Nobody’s life is perfect.” We need to keep reminding each other of that! There are some great things about being multiple. Kind of makes me sad for singletons sometimes … LOL!
03/08/20
I am 38, and I definitely have body memories and flashbacks associated with menstrual flow. I have really intense pain with it sometimes, but not always. Now that I realize this, it is less disturbing. Before, I was so confused about what the heck was wrong with my body. i thought it was PMS for a long time, but finally realized it wasn’t.
I realized this just a year or so before I discovered my parts and inside people. They are all helping me to understand, and some are already releasing some of the pain associated with my cycles. Which is amazing.
I find it interesting that ya’ll can talk about all that….Rage is determined we are an “It”….even though technically we are a “girl”…..Rage got triggered when a co-worker told our “body” that our hair “looked nice”….We were “biting nails” and had to get away from her because we couldn’t figure out what to do with all the turmoil……
Man!! There are SO MANY angles to all this stuff!!!
MissyMing
03/12/20
Hi M. That is really interesting to know and confirmation of things that I have felt in the past too. I had a huge body memory in therapy this week and … wow … did it knock me off equilibrium. I am going to post more in another thread so we can bring in an article that Kathy wrote about body memories.
Hi M. Interesting observation about your system and the lunar phases. Sounds like something important to explore. I am not sure if you have seen the two articles below but they may be of interest as well …
The Changing of the Seasons — Does This Impact You and Your System?
Demonstrating DID System Work with Dark Side Parts during a Difficult Time03/04/20
Wow. This is all so helpful. While “we” have done a lot of system work in a short amount of time, this was so cool to get to “see” someone else do it. ALSO- though we know our system has deep connections to the lunar phases… this inspired me to look up the full moons. We ended up in the hospital on a full moon night. We have a mini or a major meltdown on EVERY SINGLE FULL MOON NIGHT.
Thanks for joggling this to the front for us!!!
Ummmm….did anybody else have (or is still having) struggles with this last full moon – the “Worm Moon”?…Or am I just weird?…….
MissyMing
03/12/20
Ones! Your thoughts ARE useful….each line something for me to “chew on”…..kind of reminds me of “haiku” or something like that (sorry – can’t remember my high school literature classes)…..anyway – each line definitely worth chewing on……Thanks!
MissyMing
01/22/19
🤗
Wow, you guys amazing. This is good core stuff.
All inside are important. Everyone.
Probs is learning to behave appropriately and to get along with each other and share time.
Respect.
Takes communication. Lots of it.
Takes time.
Kindness goes a long way.
Hard and tiring but well worth it.
Things can get better.
Mostly those inside are just trying to survive as best they can.
Some thoughts I had.
May or may not be useful.
Take care.
Everyone matters.
Wonderfully said One. Right on target! Useful indeed. And, yes everyone matters (that includes you too you know!). Thank you for sharing. ☺
ME+WE
01/26/19
Oh, my, KenKen….such a pouring out of your heart…..there is nothing wrong with all those longings to have a “normal” life ….the agony is not knowing how to get there….how can it seem to be so “easy” for everybody else and so “hard” for so many of us…….
To “feel like I somehow count. Like I matter”….I shared a dream I had one time with a friend….I was hiding behind a door eating a hamburger….she interpreted it as I was a very selfish person….it didn’t sit right with me – but I couldn’t figure out what else it could be….it took decades for me to finally realize that I wasn’t being “selfish”…..I was hiding because I felt like I didn’t deserve a hamburger …..that I wasn’t “worth one”…..So I understand your agony over not being able to get yourself a haircut and conditioner – yet your male parts felt they could get what they wanted….
I would get groceries for the household….yet standing in the check-out line I was too afraid to spend 78 cents to get a candy bar for myself….I would walk out of the store confused, in despair and angry – that I could not make myself feel “worth” a candy bar….I could do it if I got someone else one and added mine in….but for “just me” – I wasn’t worth it….
After I finally realized what was going on – I started, once in a while, consciously making myself get one just for me and then deal with all the upheaval and turmoil after I got back into my vehicle….I never knew there could be so much deep despair and panic connected to a candy bar…..it has gradually gotten better – …. although it can still take conscious effort for me to do it…….
Yes…we ought to be able to dream like everybody else does….and to not be too confused, or too afraid, or feel too “unworthy” to do it……I just had my 64th birthday the other day….and I can’t even recognize myself anymore….all the things I “used to could do and be” have just vanished in all the triggers that are bubbling…..I don’t even know who I am anymore….but i keep hanging on to “dreams”……
You long to “feel feminine, female, girly. Pretty.”…..KenKen – you are WAY ahead of me….to even WANT to feel that is so far down the road ahead of me…..I am so much in the “it” category…..I don’t even know how to WANT to feel it….I am married – but have no idea what it is I am supposed to “feel” or how I am supposed to be – (I feel like my hubby got an extremely short end of the stick – but I don’t know how to fix it)…
I know you say you “feel” that you are “useless and pathetic”…..but from my viewpoint….you most definitely are NOT….you have helped me in so many ways in the things you have said on this blog….you have given so much insight and bared your soul so much and you have taught me and given me hope……
Soooo – we turn around and give that hope back to you, KenKen……we so get what you are saying….but we also turn around and give hope back to you……
MissyMing
01/20/19
Thank you MissyMing for your kind words and for telling how you feel unworthy of a hamburger or candy bar. I can relate to that. Used to be, back when I had a long term relationship, I would shop for groceries for the household and buy all the necessities and buy things I knew my SO would like, but would not buy anything for me. Nothing beyond what we needed. When I worked, I spent anything extra on the SO because I wanted her happy. Me? Meh. Never felt worth being kind to. I am glad to hear you buy that candy bar every once in a while. I’m sorry that it’s still a battle for you. I can understand.
Oh wow MissyMing … you talk about KenKen pouring her heart out … what you have said here just touches my heart in so many ways. It was like I was reading my life here. So, I wanted to jump in because I think that there may be a bunch of folks out there that feel or have experienced the same.
Worthy of food (doing something nice for yourself). I will frame it as food here because that is where I struggle. I did not grow up with a lack of food as I am sure some folks reading here did. After a series of traumas including SA I gained a little weight. Actually, I had been under weight because of illness and hospitalizations. The weight gain was nothing dramatic and certainly I was not obese but that is not how it was viewed/portrayed by my father My father used this as a tool for his anger and narcissism. So, all of my food was monitored and scrutinized from the age of four. My first imposed diet was at age seven. As a result, I horded food (usually balls of bread and crackers) and hid it in my room. When I got older, I would steal change from my mother’s purse, go to the corner store to buy candy and then had some hiding places to manically eat. Secret binge eating was a part of my life (still is). When I went away to school in my 20s I thought that my problems would be solved because now I controlled the food – when, what and how much to eat. I and my weight went crazy instead. I have never felt worthy or deserving of food. It was always something denied, something I had to sneak and horde for times when I would not have enough food, etc. Okay … not sure how this all fits … just needed to get it off my mind I guess.
Oh – Happy Birthday MissyMing. You are 64 eh? I will catch up in March. 🙂 And, yes I am more of an it too. Makes it hard on the hubby. A couple of f2f friends try to girlie me up but it just does not feel comfortable or safe.
Thank you KenKen and MissyMing for all of your sharing. It has given me a lot to think about.
ME+WE
01/21/19
Oh, Me+We, I so wish we could go back in time so I could tell your father to not be a jerk. I wonder why people feel the need to hurt their children like that. Like, what did he think he was doing?
You said you stole money from your mother’s purse for food and would horde so you’d have something. We would steal money out of lockers at school so we could buy lunch and something for later when we lived in foster care. And we too have fear of being seen and caught with our needs.
Stupid adults did this to us when we were little. I want to tell off your father, MissyMing’s father, my father. Everybody’s dumba** dads and parents for being mean and stupid.
Oh my goodness, Me+We….actually felt tears come to my eyes reading your story…(and THAT doesn’t happen easily for me)….to still feel so much of basic survival mode…..the end result of hoarding food makes perfect sense to me…..”not sure how it all fits”??? We don’t usually go by “brain logic” (although I still need practice on that) – we go by what in the heart cries out to be heard….and your story was definitely crying out……
We have not walked through anything like THAT – a “little” terrified of starving and doing the only thing she could figure to do because she wasn’t valued or heard…..we feel honored that you shared it with us….
I see a group of my “littles” wanting to tell her – “We see you! We see you!”…..Hope that helps her heart and makes her less scared……..
Have a good day, Me+We….and thank you for sharing your heart……
MissyMing
01/22/19
This is our story. Part of it anyway. I feel so completely disconnected from it. I dont want to read it I dont want to know about it. Something hit me hard today. I dont even know what. But I’m reeling. We’ve been away from here for a while now. Needed time away. Another new-to-us young boy came out in therapy yesterday. Today it hit me that there are so many males in our system. What does that mean about me? I want to feel like a girl. I dont even know what that means really. Over the holidays a few of our main male parts spent $300 on an online game. I wanted to use some money over the holidays to get my hair cut and buy some decent conditioner ($50 total) for myself for Christmas. Haven’t had that done in over a year. Can never afford to. But, instead of being able to do something that may help me feel better about my appearance, we now have to donate enough plasma to pay off the credit card they ran up. For a game. I felt like what I wanted didn’t matter. I am just the vehicle for them, not even the driver, just the old, beat up, barely functioning car. Meaningless except for the fact that if I didn’t exist, neither would they. That would be kinda important except for all the hostility and resentment that goes with it. I want a normal life. Nothing huge, I will never be capable of doing what most people do without much thought. I want a little tiny house or duplex at the end of the street, with a small security-fenced back yard where I can go lay under the sun. Feel the warmth of the light on my muscles and bones. I want to work part time somewhere I can tolerate, somewhere I can be that doesn’t overwhelm me. I want to be able to leave my home without anxiety choking me or battles raging internally. I want to feel like I count somehow. Like I matter. My birthday is in two weeks. I guess I’m starting my pity party early. Wasted life. I should have something to show for all these years. But at this stage in my life, when most people are fully into their careers, families, social responsibilities, I have never been able to do any of it. Coming up on 52 and have nothing to show for it. And, I have a lot of guys inside and I just want to feel feminine, female, girly. Pretty. Never feel that though. Feel ugly to the core. Useless and pathetic. Now gotta go do something I would give anything not to have to do so we can pay off a frivolous expense of a game. I want my own life. Just mine.
We love KenKen.
Careers and money don’t equate to happiness.
Happiness is fleeting, as all emotions.
There’s probably more peace in self-acceptance than in any externally validated “success.”
You are the most creative people we ever met. You can make a sunshine house for now.
Sorry about the game and spending and plasma. And lack of respect from these male bullies inside. Hope they learn to be fair. 1-19-19
My Dear Friend {{{KenKen}}},
I am so glad to hear your voice here again but I am so saddened that there is such anguish in it. I hear your frustration, anger, weariness and despair and I sincerely wish I could be there to offer you a shoulder to lean on in any way that would help sooth and support you. Life with DID challenges us to the limits of our strength, resilience and sanity that is for sure.
While I understand that you see your upcoming birthday as a measure of what never was for you, I see it as a testimony to courage, creativity and hope. You have found your way to your 52nd birthday all on your own because of the remarkable person that you are. Your willingness to speak your story in raw, unvarnished truth; your willingness to open up to your vulnerabilities and look deeply into the dark places of your life/self; and your commitment to share your journey so openly and honestly with us are HUGE achievements and contributions to this world (and our DID world specifically). I would like you to hear that, your accomplishments in life may be different then other folks, but they have not been any less significant, meaningful, respected and appreciated. Posting here, at the blog article that was you, your journey, your thoughtful and brilliant sharing to help us all is just one example of how important and meaningful you live has been.
I know that you do not feel that for yourself right now KenKen and that breaks my heart to hear. Please let your friends here hold those compassionate, admiring and appreciative thoughts of KenKen for you until you are feeling up to seeing it for yourself.
You are very much missed here KenKen, cared for and respected for being wonderful you. Sending gentle hugs, caring energy and warm thoughts to you (oh and ice cream too from Squirrel)!
Your concerned friend,
ME+WE
01/20/19
T. Clark and ME+WE,
I love you guys so much! Thank yous for loving me too. Since I matter to yous I feel like I have meaning and purpose in this world. Thank you for being our friends. For now, we will build a sunshine room inside, and I wont stop dreaming of obtaining the real (outside) thing.
Shout out to Squirrel and Little J. 🤗
I’m so sorry. I get that feeling of disconnection from your past self, your story here. And the pain of feeling left out of your own life. And, most of all, the despair of feeling like this is the way it will always be. That feeling has been really strong today.
It also sounds really stressful to feel like your parts are preventing you from expressing your gender in the way that feels best – I wonder if they feel uncomfortable with that femininity? Or if it is more just that they are so present that their gender ends up pushing yours out?
I spend a lot of time feeling unhappy with the ways that my gender presents – I am trying to figure out how to dress in a way that feels better because it also helps me feel more grounded and more confident/less ashamed.
Last thing – I know you feel like you don’t have much to show for your life. And I don’t want to invalidate that for a minute. But I also want to let you know that your presence here has brought me a lot of comfort. Your responses to me in the past have helped me feel understood and less alone – and less hopeless. I’m so grateful that you shared your story here and that you’ve participated in our discussions. I’m sure it doesn’t feel like much, but it does matter to me and to many other people.
1/22/19
HazelE,
You said, “I’m sure it doesn’t feel like much, but it does matter to me and to many other people.”
It feels like people care about me and that is the biggest gift I could ever wish for. It is also an usual feeling; that I may matter to someone out there. And, that yous all tell me? That’s means the world to me. I got insides saying that “oh, they dont mean it. They’re just being nice.” Some, “are they tricking us?” kinds of thoughts and little feels come up. But we hash those kinds of things out and come up with, if yous didn’t really feel the ways you say – then it would just be easier not to respond. (*You* as in everyone who responded.)
We are working on being kinder to ourselves. That is hard to do. The good feelings of being cared about and worthy feels very sad sometimes, too. And we have a long way to go to feel comfortable believing the good things outside people think about us. Part of our therapy work lately is to take in the positive from outside people without wanting/needing to sabotage it to feel safe. Safe these days can mean more than what it used to.
I done something similar with my little ones inside. They were locked in a castle, they were dirty like pigs. Noone went there. The Boy kept them in there any way he had to.
Then we had a T and she said it was not nice to leave them there like that. Took awhile and to make the story short we made them a place outside with a shallow stream and moss and trees and stuff. Only way we could agree to this was to have area fully fenced, no one in or out. Still have castle in case. But chain link so we could look at them and see they wasn’t so dirty cuz ikid washed them some. So then things alot calmer all round. Maybe too calm, we not used to calm, its too quiet. But Boy doesn’t have to hurt and scare them no more. They mostly just stay away now. They ok where they are.
What are the signs that the dissociation walls are crashing down? I’m having a hard time Containing everybody, and keeping them safe. I thought it was better if we did one at a time, but it seems like there are all crashing down around me .
Dunno. But maybe get some inside to help. Find safe jobs for some so they got something to do. Make safe places inside. Listen, listen, listen.
Takes time. Let them know its gonna be ok and alls can have their say, but not all at once or noboddy gets heard.
If it getting too crazy, for me, one time or two, I just yell STOP inside and they was surprised and got quiet and then they could listen.
But try and be nice as best you can mostly.
I drew a kind of pie chart of my parts cuz they weren’t so clear. That helped me too.
And you goto approach parts at their level cuz otherwise you always will be fighting and having misunderstandings.
These what I can think of so far.
My parts kinda gone away mostly. I miss them. Being Diss was normal for me. I kinda alone now.
Bet you can meet some good folks inside once they got a chance to be ok. They can be so wonderful and amazing once they can stop protecting and stuff.
My words. Hope they ok.
Hi Pat,
I just wanted to give you a shout out because I do not think that we have met before. You have offered a whole lot of wonderful suggestions here. Your words are more than okay … they are awesome! Thank you for sharing. I especially liked your comment: “Bet you can meet some good folks inside once they got a chance to be ok. They can be so wonderful and amazing once they can stop protecting and stuff.” It sounds like you have a very honest and caring relationship with your insiders. I look forward to sharing more with you in the future.
ME+WE
01/08/19
Aww thx ME+WE. I am out of town and have only my cell which is a pain to type on. Will reply soon. Thx.
Depeche Mode
Lyrics
I would tell you about the things
They put me through
The pain I’ve been subjected to
But the lord himself would blush
The countless feasts laid at my feet
Forbidden fruits for me to eat
But i think your pulse would start to rush
Now I’m not looking for absolution
Forgiveness for the things i do
But before you come to any conclusions
Try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes
You’ll stumble in my footsteps
Keep the same appointments i kept
If you try walking in my shoes
If you try walking in my shoes
Morality would frown upon
Decency look down upon
The scapegoat fate’s made of me
But i promise now, my judge and jurors
My intentions couldn’t have been purer
My case is easy to see
I’m not looking for a clearer conscience
Peace of mind after what I’ve been through
And before we talk of any repentance
Try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes
You’ll stumble in my footsteps
Keep the same appointments i kept
If you try walking in my shoes
If you try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes
Now I’m not looking for absolution
Forgiveness for the things i do
But before you come to any conclusions
Try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes
You’ll stumble in my footsteps
Keep the same appointments i kept
If you try walking in my shoes
You’ll stumble in my footsteps
Keep the same appointments i kept
If you try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes
If you try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes
Songwriters: Martin Gore
Walking in My Shoes lyrics © EMI Music Publishin
“My intentions couldn’t have been purer.” To me, that’s the most important part. 💕 Thanks for sharing. 9/23/19
Quoting Kathy from this article:
true yep true true true yes yep
we will get through this. all of us. not just us. we already did it. yes?
once or twice or years i cant remember
Sep 22, 2018, 2:50p
…said some stuff about changing of the seasons. This weekend is the Fall Equinox. Nox got his name from Equinox. Nox means night. Equal nights. And we are heading into the darkness getting longer and dark side alters becoming more aware and active. The full moon is coming up I think this weekend too. Bad days/nights. Lots of memories, body memories, feeling memories, alters coming out and acting out and people inside scared and worried. Lots of ppl on DD seem to be having problems. The weird things I was talking about, taking 3-5 baths, sleeping 3 hrs a day and not at all at night, not eating are all rituals that comes up during these times. I dont understand them. I dont know who does them or why they must be done but I do know they are in preparation. We dont know anyone anymore, it all stopped for us when we were thrown away by our parents but some of the littles inside dont know and do these things thinking they must or else. We had a really good talk with our T. Couple people came out and talked to her. She said those things were parts inside will eventually need to be pulled out of those events. Like Nox. This weekend though we have a plan of binging tv shows, tucking in, getting small, and holding on. Plus, I am going to make lemon pie and we have the goods for hot chocolate with marshmellows and I have apple cider, chocolate and popcorn. Kinda gonna try to do some good things in-between calming fears and everything. Try to keep us inside the apartment and grounded to here and now the best we can. Its dark out now and im fighting to keep it together. I need to sign off. I will check in sometime tomorrow. I hope yous have a good night. Take care of each other.
Dear Harmony and all,
You know that you folks have my heart connection and my sincere concern for you all. Time to hunker down and take it one small step at a time. You are stronger then this. You can get through this. You are not alone this time. We are here. I am here. I send you strength and love and all of the support that any friend can possibly give. You are a fearsome warrior of truth. You are my mentor, my hero, my friend. You deserve so much better than this. I so wish that I could wash all of that horrible stuff away for you. But, all I can do is give you my loving support to see you through this.
ME+WE
09/22/18
We adores yous Miss ME and all your WE’s.
❤️🤗❤️
Miss Me and the gang of WEs
09/23/18
I was very excited to read this post because it is of such high quality. I have forwarded it to a fellow survivor colleague of mine with a glowing recommendation. Here is what I said.
Dear ——,
I hope you are safe and sound over there (in spite of … ).
I am excited to forward this email to you from Cathy Broady of Discussing Dissociation about her latest article, An Example of Doing Internal System Work with a DID System, where we can read how Cathy supported one of her people in crisis, who was able to get through the crisis and make an encouraging step forwards in her healing journey.
The reason I am excited is that I have been noticing and concerned by seeing many techniques and teachers, which are used to deal with symptoms, and do so by creating new thought patterns and behaviours without properly addressing or treating the problems causing the symptom. Of course these techniques produce some benefit and relief, but have a suppressive aspect to them which causes reduced memory recall, a result which is of benefit to the perpetrators. Another aspect of this ‘helping without healing’ which I have also seen several examples of, is the use of lying as if it was a healing technique. I have seen advice to go to your inner child and give him lots of positive talk and rewrite the past so he becomes happy. I think this is known as rescripting. I asked Stuart Swerdlow on the radio if imagining a better past is a form of mind control, and he being an expert on the subject, said that yes it is, and the patch you apply with this method is temporary and will rot (it was interesting his use of alchemical language). Another example is the use of affirmations when the affirmation is a lie, for instance, imagine a boy sobbing and saying ‘I am happy, I am happy’. Isn’t that the most stupid thing?
This example of Cathy’s patient on the other hand shows brave, honest, D.I.D. trauma informed and realistic work on the serious problems that she has, and we can see how it works, and how it helps, and how it is on a healing path. I am also relieved and encouraged to see people doing serious work, good work, and making sense.
Things are fine here. Walking slowly uphill.
Warm regards from Spain,
Declan.
jennys story really hit home for us – how much different it would have been for us if we hadnt had to fight to be believed if when we talked of being in cages we were believed. like nox we are still in cages more than you can imagine. we know why we were shamed for why when we tried so talking is hard. we were silenced with threats and never learned to talk with them and then when we tried to get out. then talking to those who were suppose to help we were shamed and made to feel more bad like jane doe. but we have talked to kahy a little and those times have been like a sunny day in a thunderstorm for us. sometimes still we cling to her words (sorry i cant really remember right now but i think that is because we are afraid if we do they will be taken away from us) our internal landscape is still littered with cages and our sense of time is all over the place still because like jane doe we probably have a wall against the outside world today that rejected our truth as well as like jenny our internal world rejecting the outside world that created us. there is obviously work to do but for this story we finally can see how to start. i dont know if we will ever be comfortable outside of a cage but it isnice to have the door open to poke our heads out of. thank you kathy for your words i think we truly can say we still listen to them as if they were just said
Yah, our dirty babies that lived in a dark locked castle, we moved em out to a fenced all around enclosure so they could get sun. There’s moss n trees n a safe little brook. Some helped to clean em. We used to think they was dirty n evil and stuff. But turns out they was just dumb babies. They locked in still but T had said that at least they in a nicer place an we can see in an they can see out. But they not sposed to escape. Sometimes they be jammed back in castle. But nowadays things be quiet for long long time so dunno much bout anything no more.
Hey Ones —
HELLO HELLO !!! I’ve just now recognized you as the Ones who came here many many times quite some time ago. It’s good to see you again — welcome back !! I hope you are doing well. 🙂
I’m glad you did some positive work for those babies (who are probably not so dumb!). They definitely were not evil and didn’t need to be left with dirty stuff on them, so I’m glad your insiders were able to help. It sounds like those babies came from a very neglected place, so the more you can move them into a happier, healthier places the better. It’s complicated working with little ones who are too young to speak — going by feel or sound or visual cues helps. I glad to hear that others in your system were able to help them some…. and hopefully, they are continuing to do that.
It’s good to hear from you, and thanks for coming back!
Warmly,
Kathy
Sarah D. and ME+WE:
Both of you seem so wise and kind. It always helps to hear that other people don’t believe what my old T said – new T doesn’t either. It is hard because the old T helped us so much and we would be dead if it wasn’t for her. But also there were some pretty significant ways that she didn’t help (like by believing that I wasn’t getting better fast enough because I was being resistant). And even though it’s been a couple of years since I stopped seeing her, those messages sunk in really deep and I’m struggling to believe that new T isn’t going to say the same thing one of these days, whenever I’m finally frustrating enough. Trust is REALLY hard for us (as it is for all folks with DID, I think), and it’s painful because we want so badly to feel some of the safety that comes with trusting someone… but we can’t get there.
I also like this – “Trust is layers upon layers and takes consistency and patience.” I think that’s true… and it helps to think of how long and how much it took to create all of this pain. When I look back at where I started, I can see that I’ve come a long ways… but the process is so much up and down, better in some ways and worse in others that it is hard to even look back at the last year or two and see anything clearly.
Hi HazelE,
Imagine that you are walking through a dense forest and you have come upon an old abandoned petting zoo. All of the animals are still there, caged up in compounds, starving, neglected, hurt and abandoned. They were once very happy creatures full of love and trust. They enjoyed being with people and being petted and fed and cared for. But, now they are scared, in pain, fearful of each other and strangers and just trying to survive one more day. You want to rush in and help but they run off into the corners of their compounds and treble in fear and pain. You know that it will take time for them to ever learn to trust again let alone be the happy and loving creatures that they were meant to be.
So, you move slowly and cautiously so as not to scare them any more than they already are. You put fresh water and food in their compounds every day. You talk to them in soft, soothing tones reassuring them that you are there to help them, that you love them. Over time, they let you clean out their compounds and lay out fresh hay for their beds. Then one day you are able to move closer to them, to touch them, stroke them and soon you are able to wash and groom them. You build trust each and every day that you are there to help them, love them and do kind things for them. Slowly … ever so slowly … ever so cautiously. But, the creatures are so fearful and cautious and easily startled that some days you feel that you are back to square one with them.
Okay … maybe a far out example but our insiders are like poor abandoned, abused and neglected creatures that we discover one day living in some forgotten part of our minds. As much as we want to rush in and fix them all up, we have to proceed with caution and care. We have to be mindful that they have been hurt so badly, have survived so much and have been starved of the most basic essentials of humanity that they cannot take in the most loving presence that you want to offer them. It takes time … a whole lot of time. We have to remain consistent and vigilant in your loving care of our insiders to help build the level of trust that it takes to heal. And, we have to give ourselves (as the outside folks) the same measure of care and consideration as we try to build trust with the outside world as well.
ME+WE
08/07/18
Wow Me/We
Maybe this Concept will work both ways. To have Lori adventure in. One step at a time. Also for our strongest roommate working with other that are to afraid to be seen or heard.
Thank you to Jenny and B for sharing this – it’s so helpful to hear more about what this actually looks and feels like for other people. We constantly feel lost because we are so bad at communicating internally and we remain so stuck in the very early stages of not being able to accept whether anything bad happened. We don’t have parts that care for others (like Harmony), even though it seems like a lot of people do. I wish we did – all of us are suspicious of each other, and lots of parts hate each other. It is very hard for us to actively help each other or be kind, and I don’t know why. I’m afraid it’s because the old therapist was right and we’re just resistant and want to keep being scared and miserable. Even though it doesn’t FEEL like we want to be scared and miserable. And we don’t feel resistant, we just feel confused and scared and like we can’t trust anyone ever, not even each other.
Also, that’s so lucky that Jenny had someone to talk to on a hard night. Almost all of the time, we are on our own to figure out during the hardest times, and we only go to therapy a day or two later. We get that – our therapist can’t just be there to talk to us whenever we need her. But we sometimes wish it worked like that because it is so hard to figure out this stuff and we get the closest when the therapist is there to ask questions that help us keep looking inside but also help us from getting overwhelmed. We call them small questions, when they help us do one step at a time and we can let go of the before and after and just focus on the one thing at a time and trust that T won’t let us drown and she can keep track of the whole thing while we use all our energy to be brave and not shut down or run away from the inside stuff. Without that help, we usually can only just keep our head above water and worry about things like not hurting ourselves and breathing, but that doesn’t leave much left over to look inside.
HazelE,
I want you to know that I think your old therapist was WRONG. Very wrong that you “want to keep being scared and miserable”. That is total crap! Who wants that? Honestly, that is a therapist putting the blame on you for their inability to help. What the T was doing wasn’t working and that is not your fault! A lot of therapists don’t have the training and skills to work with DID. I have had a lot of mistreatment by professionals and it actually caused more harm/conflict within my system and miles upon miles of mistrust and denial. Of course it feels impossible with the mixed message that T gave you. It is not impossible. Systems can heal.
Trust how you feel -” we just feel confused and scared and like we can’t trust anyone ever”. Trust is layers upon layers and takes consistency and patience. Trusting your system is not easy. It might be that some of your work is to clear up confusion and help soothe those that are scared. I see you doing that by writing here on DD.
It sounds like your current T has good skills that are effective for you. I like that term “small questions”. It fits really well. It is one thing at a time. That is how it is done. I can totally relate to feeling like it takes all my effort to “keep our head above water”. Sometimes a T feels like a life preserver and who wouldn’t want that available more often?
I can relate to where you are and the frustration of seeing others further in recovery. Looking too far forward is very overwhelming. I have found a good measure is to look back at your own journey, months, even years ago. If you do, you might notice progress you have made.
Sarah D.
8/3/18
Hi HazelE,
What Sarah D. has written here in response to your posting is so beautifully said and right on target that I just want to support the messages contained in her posting here. I too believe that your former T was wrong. Trust in your current T. You have shown nothing but a solid commitment to learning and healing in your messages here to the community. Those of us who have gone through the trenches know what courage, patience and hard work it takes to move even the slightest inch on the road to healing. That is not said to discourage you HazelE but to support your process. It takes time but eventually you find yourself farther along on your journey than you can ever imagine would have been possible. And you already are well down that road to healing. I can see that in your writings here and just the fact that you acknowledging your system, trying to understand them and are writing here.
I really love what Sarah D. says here that – “Trust is layers upon layers and takes consistency and patience.” That is the key HazelE. Be kind and patient with yourself and your insiders. Our internal systems are complex and highly nuanced. They did not just come upon us over night. They took years/decades of living with the abuse initially and then all of the living as a DID system since then. You cannot unravel this huge ball of tangled life threads in one sitting. It takes time, patience, courage and love of self as much as love for the system of insiders that helped you to survive.
My T taught me to put my really hard stuff in boxes that I store on a shelf in my mind (well it was a huge warehouse at first but it is getting smaller). That is to help me not feel overwhelmed with all of the stuff coming up during the week. It is not denial or numbing out but rather recognizing that the stuff is too much for me to deal with on my own. So, I put them safely away in boxes that will be opened in therapy where I feel safe and have my T to help me unpack what is in there. I often have to put them back on the shelf after my session only to bring them down off the shelf time and again. My T also told me that often when I work on one problem others will fade away. By that she means that I do not have to work on every single incidence of a trauma but rather that when I work on one or a few, others are healed as well.
Remember that you are not alone and have friends here who care HazelE.
ME+WE
08/05/18
What a great example of fantastic team work and positive system work. Well done to everyone involved especially Jenny! (and to put your mind at ease Jenny, no it wasn’t too triggering or hard to read 🙂 )
We’ve done this many many a time, especially in the early days of discovering everyone and have always wondered if what we were doing was “right’ or how it should be done. Its so crazy that both some of our internal work and internal landscape was/is done exactly like this! (though our dark side isn’t a bad place, just somewhere that i as the host/anp cant see into lol) However, for us, it was more about safely and lovingly containing destructive people more so than rescuing them. But the general steps and actions taken were almost identical!
Thank you for posting this It makes me feel so much better to know what we’ve done is actually legit LOL. And this is a fantastic example of internal system work that creates lasting, healthy changes and healing for the entire system.
P.s we are so jelly of your hair Cathy!
I like how Jenny helped save Nox from a cage. Nox was too hurt. In my heart I want him to feel better soon. I like that Kathy has pink hair like a beautiful fairy that has powers to help with dark stuff. I want to tell the truth too. Every time I try to tell, no one believes me. I don’t have inside people. One thing is attached to me. A nice, pretty doctor lady told me my anger toward the people that hurt me had no where to go so I imagined my anger into a demon. She said the demon is not real, just anger. I know the difference. I never told her how it attached to me. She said she knew and I didn’t have to tell. I think she was protecting dark secrets. I don’t have inside people like everyone else. I am sorry. I will not write here anymore. I am sorry. I think Jenny is like Ken Ken – nice and good. I am sorry.
jane doe
Don’t be sorry and please keep coming back! You belong here with us. Write here. Tell here. This place is for trauma survivors. You have dissociation. You are our friend. We care about you. I am sorry your T dont understand you need to talk about what happened to you…all of it. Im sorry u have demon attached. We want to help you in every way we can. The article story is ours. Thanks for saying Jenny is nice and good 🙂 We have people who are sorry all the time too. Sorry they take up space, sorry they may hurt others just by being noticed, sorry for breathing and still being alive. They need to talk lots and get out of them their sad feelings too, just like you. Please keep coming back here and write, write, write. We would miss you terribly if we didn’t see you anymore.
Hi Jane Doe,
I just want to echo what KenKen has said here. You belong here with us. I hope that you know that you are welcome here, appreciated and regarded with sincere compassion. Please keep connected and writing here. This is a safe place. You are not alone here.
ME+WE
08/02/18
KenKen and ME+WE,
Thank you so much for your encouragement, compassion and support for everyone here.
Jane is a 12- year-old part of my system. I have amnesic dissociation when she is out. As I read her posts from last week, I thought, “Oh, someone’s alter has the same name as one of mine”. I did not know my Jane was writing here until I read this reply by her. Right now, she does not understand that she is part of a system. To see that she feels a connection here on DD is encouraging. So, it might be an opportunity for me to communicate directly with her. I also have concerns for safety because she has a seriously sensitive SI reaction. While I see that DD is a positive platform for her connection with others, I would like to direct her to also communicate with current T and her “foster dad” (my husband) to maintain system safety mechanisms due my amnesic barriers. If she were to be in SI mode, no one on DD could intervene.
In her post, she talks about a former psychiatrist that did hypnosis with my system (NEVER again). After that incident, Jane made a nearly successful suicide attempt, while in the hospital and under one on one observation (seriously scary). That was five years ago. I have learned a great deal about Jane and my system since then and I am working to maintain safety. It has been nearly one year since my last hospitalization, which is big progress for me.
I am very grateful for Jane she is very caring, compassionate and sensitive. I believe she has handled some horrifying, dark situations. I am working to keep my whole system safe, and right now, my system is not stable. During triggering “seasons”, Jane jumps ahead and doesn’t understand how that behavior negatively impacts the system. She has opportunity to talk when everyone in the system agrees, her feelings are validated, she is cared for, and has a safe space. I go to equine therapy especially for Jane because she feels most connected to horses, not humans.
Thank you for such genuine care and compassion for those who write here. You guys are rock stars!
With Gratitude,
Sarah D.
8/3/18
KenKen or Jenny,
It is happening again. It is pulling, like something calling me but no sound, controlling me like a puppet. It is strong.
Jenny, how did you get away from the dark?
It is bad season.😒🤢😢
jane doe
Jane Doe,
I had to be rescued like Nox was. I couldn’t see anything but where I was I didnt even know anything else existed for a long time then I knew some differences but I kept being pulled back too. I needed Harmony and others to come get me out of the place I was stuck in. There was outside people who was there to help the others, just like Kathy for us with Nox. It’s happening again for us too. It is a bad season. the worst one. Tell SarahD, and your foster dad, and your T. Even if you are scared tell them everything you can. Write them, record messages on their phones, whatever you can think of. We used to have to go inpatient hospitals so we could be safe (and sometimes we weren’t even safe there). Like knowing something is coming so we prepared for it. Im so sorry you are going through this. Im so very sorry you have been hurt in awful terrible ways. Please please try your very best to not let the suicidal thoughts and feelings and demands take over and hurt you. I have to sit on my couch and do nothing, i wont let this body move at all. You can win that fight. I know. It doesn’t feel like the bad will end, but it will. And the fight is so scary and hard, but the more you fight it the less and less the pull feels, tell it NO! We give them our energy when we follow the commands, and demands, and orders, and pulls. I know that sounds stupid but its not. Today, right now, if you haven’t already told your T or your foster dad, tell them. You dont have to tell everything just that this time of the year, this time of the month, right now is bad and you need them. This is a major big-time security alert and you want to fight. You are brave. The bravest! You are strong. You are good (really good not their messed up fake good). You are worthy and worth everything anybody will do to help you win this fight. You have courage. You are my friend. I want you to fight. I want you to be safe, I want you to be free. Please tell us how you are doing as often as you can. We will worry. Jenny (and B)
Kathy, I know you dont have to, but can you say something more. I probably forgot a lot and I want her to have all the help everybody can give her. I know you gonna say something and are waiting. But, I guess I need to hear you too right now. And, I want Jane to feel all of us here. ty
Hello Jane Doe,
I just wanted to support what KenKen has said here (so beautifully and compassionately as usual) … keep talking here. You can get through this. We know and understand the depths of the despair that you are feeling. Not the specifics. That is unique to you. But the kind of pain that you are going through that has you in the place that you now are. KenKen/Jenny did a remarkable job describing how Nox was rescued (sincere deeply felt thanks again for that KenKen). We can all be rescued. We all have help here. If you can manage to book a telephone session with Kathy, that would be super good to do. If not, please keep talking here. We are here for you. You do not have to struggle with this all by yourself.
Sending lots of positive energy and hugs (if wanted).
ME+WE
09/20/18
Hey jane doe —
I hear you — and you are strong and brave for reaching out to us here. KenKen has a lot of positive, helpful ideas, and I’m glad you feel connected enough to speak out and connect to people who can be helpful and understanding.
The first thing I thought of when I read your post is that I want to make sure to refer you to a different article to read. Have you seen this one?
The Changing of the Seasons — Does This Impact You and Your System?
Because what you are describing, in conjunction with the dates on the calendar (the beginning or Spring or Autumn, depending on where you live), could be having a serious impact on your system.
It sounds like certain parts of your system — probably parts more connected to the dark — are feeling pulls on them, and so they are pulling on you. Kinda like a ripple-domino effect.
At some point in your healing, you will need to find out who these parts are, and then start working with them to help THEM get freedom from the darkness that controls them. They most likely are just doing the jobs that were given to them, but that doesn’t mean that they actually “want” to do those jobs. Sometimes, they just won’t know how to do anything else. Or maybe they are too afraid to not do what they were supposed to do. Or maybe they don’t know that they have any other options to choose from.
Because, the truth is, here and now in this year and time, they DO have other options now. They can learn about other areas of life, including light, and goodness, kindness, and love. These might be foreign concepts to them right now. Maybe they’ve never even had a cuppa tea or a chocolate chip cookie or clean clothes to wear. They may need to be introduced to your side of life in the light.
What do they need from you, or the others in your system, or from your therapist, to help them feel more protected and released from that pull to darkness? Are they having memories from the past? Or are they struggling with safety in the current day? If they don’t go towards the dark, what are they afraid will happen? What prevents them from being safe and free? These are the kinds of questions you gotta sort through. Try to understand why they are doing what they are doing, and then give them a better alternative.
There will be some heavy duty info in there, but to genuinely help all your insiders get away from the dark, you’ll need to understand what is pulling them there in the first place.
Also, look in your internal worlds and find how the pulling is happening. Someone will be able to see it. Maybe there are puppet strings? Look for those, and see if you can unhook yourself from the pull. The internal worlds are very real, and if you can make changes on the inside, you will be able to help the whole situation for all of your system.
Mostly, find ways to be sure sure sure you are protected in the outside world this week, and for these weeks of struggle. Find ways to stay safely at home, and to know that you are far far far away from anyone who might be hurtful towards you or your inside people.
You all deserve a life of safety, light, and goodness …. fight very hard for that.
Keep posting when you can — it’s good to hear from you.
Warmly,
Kathy
Thank you, Jenny and Kathy. I wrote email to T but she couldn’t open it because it was locked. My foster dad can’t help right now because he is feeling bad. I don’t know Sarah D, maybe she is like Harmony. I will leave messages for everyone. I will read all the stuff over and over and think about inside world and see if I can do some things Kathy said. I got to see my friend Lars today, he is a T horse. 🐴
jane doe
Hi Kathy,
Thank you for this from all of us.
“Because, the truth is, here and now in this year and time, they DO have other options now. They can learn about other areas of life, including light, and goodness, kindness, and love. These might be foreign concepts to them right now. Maybe they’ve never even had a cuppa tea or a chocolate chip cookie or clean clothes to wear. They may need to be introduced to your side of life in the light.”
Simply brilliant and something for us all to read, take in, hang on to and put into action. Being diagnosed with DID starts out feeling like a life sentence with no option for parole. But it really is a life-affirming mission of self love, understanding, compassion and healing. Most folks go through their lives never seeking the deeper meaning of their lives or how they can be better, more fulfilled beings. We have been gifted with insiders who demand that we do better because they were so much better then the thieves of innocence who tried to tear them down. We are so much better not despite of our insiders but because of them.
ME+WE
09/21/18
I know how it was pulling – the moon.🌕 Clouds☁ made it so the light didn’t touch my cells. right now, clouds aren’t blocking enough. it is telling me to go and do a yucky thing 🤢 and if i don’t – something very bad will happen to people/animals i like. i don’t have any insiders to help. I am all by myself. i’m scared to be locked up again if i tell t. i’m sorry. i try hard to be a good jane. i will get small and hide at home so it doesn’t find me.😩 this is very bad ecifircas time. i will leave messages everywhere so maybe people can help.
Dear Jane Doe,
You do not have to do any yucky things okay. I know that the moon and clouds and other things with the change of seasons makes it super hard to stay grounded. The messages that you are hearing are messages from bad people in the past. They are not your here and now (well, at least I hope not – if they are you need to work on getting to a safe place). If you need to stay small for a time, that’s okay. Maybe you can make a safe place in your house. Maybe the big people in your system can help. Do whatever you can to stay safe. You do not have to do anything yucky or that would hurt you in any way.
Most importantly, you are not alone. We are all here to listen and to help however we can. Kathy and KenKen wrote messages to you before. They are right above this message here. Try scrolling up and maybe reread what they said to you. They have some solid, caring insights to share with you.
Keep writing here if that helps.
ME+WE
10/26/18
Hello Jane Doe,
You can keep writing here even if you don’t have insiders. You are welcome here. People here on DD understand!
Remember the time on the phone that your foster dad told you that you are connected with some good people too? I am one of those good people, together we are part of a good system. KenKen has Jenny and B and now, Nox as a part of her good system. You really do belong here!
I am very curious about the truth you want to tell. Like a horse, my ears are forward, and my eyes are on you. I know that you know how to tell the difference between what is real and imaginary. What that Dr. told you was wrong. It is real, I believe you.
Jane Doe, I am so happy you found a way to feel good connections with people by writing here! Together, we will figure out a way to SAFELY get rid of that attached demon, without harming you. It is possible! You do not have to be hurt or die to get rid of it.
It is also good to have a team. Hillary is a good T, she is very kind, gentle, and patient. She knows that you have dark stuff. She knows that sometimes it is much harder for you. She will help you when you tell her it’s getting too hard. You can tell your foster dad if you can’t find a safe place. He will help you find safety.
It is okay to keep writing here, as long as you tell T or your foster dad any time if you are not safe.
Your friend,
Sarah D.
Dear Sarah D.,
What a beautiful and poignant posting. It just warmed my heart so reading how loving, caring and compassionate you wrote to your insider Jane. Talk about an incredible example of system work!!! Wow just so inspiring.
If Jane is listening in here, I would like you to know how special and cared for you are Jane. You do not have to be alone. It sounds like Sarah D. is a very nice, safe person who really wants to hear you and help you. And you have a whole bunch of friends here in our DID community who would really like talking with you.
With compassion and awe.
ME+WE.
08/06/18
Hi jane doe,
Thank you for reading about Jenny and Nox — they were very brave to share their story, and I hope that they can be an encouragement to you. Telling the truth is very good — sometimes it can be scary to tell the truth, but it’s an important part of your healing.
There are lots of people who understand about being hurt, and who understand about complicated secret stuff. Yes, of course, there are some people are just too scared to hear the truth, and other people who are just too mean to let the truth be said. BUT… there are a few other gentle, genuine people who have kind ears and are willing to hear what you have to say. And at this place, we are willing to listen. It’s okay that you wrote, and I hope you write again!
It makes sense to me that you would feel anger towards the people who hurt you…. but it also makes sense that you might not feel safe to show that, or to tell about it. Mean hurtful people often don’t allow anger to be directed at them — these kind of meanies have lots of problems, and they aren’t very fair! So if you were hurt by some real meanies, it could have been safer to put that anger over there, held by someone else. That makes sense to me.
Maybe someday it will feel safe enough for you to share some of your feelings with someone who can listen.
For me — I really really don’t like mean people who hurt other people on purpose, and I DO get angry about that. So… I just want you to know that I think it makes a whole lot of sense to feel anger at the meanies who do the hurting stuff.
I’m glad you like my pink hair — it’s fun. 🙂
Thanks for your comment!
Warmly,
Kathy
What is your suggestion to helping the host to come in and link arms with the rest of us? We have two super mean people inside. That continues to traumatize myself and Jessie over. and over.Our therapist j suggested that we link arms and tell those two bad people to go away; telling them they cannot hurt us anymore. So far this is not working and as the primary we feel that Lori needs to be inside to help strengthen the link.
Hi Sissy,
Well there certainly is strength in numbers. Just keep trying. I also treat my more challenging insider with lots of love. She is not accepting it yet but I feel that that is the important thing that she is missing. I see little glimmerings of it getting through but it is a long long process. These folks have lived with hardship for years/decades. It takes time and patience to help them see and trust a loving presence.
ME+WE
08/02/18
Me/We
you have such great insight and good advice. Missy is the “fist roommate.” She Believes these two bad guys are injected into our world. So our Therapist thinks it’s part of the mind control ithat was superimposed ion us, Lori is having a hard time with this concept. When she here those words {mind control } she gets a little freaked out. How do we get her to Except what has gone on.
Hi Sissy,
Thank you for your kind words. I truly am enriched beyond measure talking with my friends here. I get far more out of writing here than I can ever hope that others feel. We are just all so blessed that Kathy created this web presence for us and that we get to learn so much from her and from each other. It is so nice not to be alone.
Hum … well, accepting what happened to us when we were little and vulnerable and so helpless is really hard some times. As much as I believe and honour what my little ones have told me about what happened long ago, a part of me just cannot take it in as my own. I am actually quite ashamed that my little ones carry the burden of the memories and that I have such a hard time accepting them. But, I am working on it and am trying to keep my mind and heart open. But it is hard.
The reason that I am telling you this Sissy is that I suspect that in her heart Lori knows that this is the truth. But, it is just so darn difficult to think that you could have been so abused and have mind control forced on you. It is especially hard thinking about it with an adult mind because you cannot sometimes truly see/feel what it was like to be small and have this happen. Sometimes the pain of the reality is just too much to take in and the big people choose not to believe so they do not have to feel the pain. I am not sure that that is what is happening with Lori but it may be something to consider.
Just keep speaking your truth and hopefully with a lot of patience and love, Lori will stop running away and face the reality of your situation. Maybe tell her that you understand that she is scared and does not want to hear but you love her and want her to know the truth. Then tell her that you will give her all of the time that she needs to come to an understanding of what happened.
But, in the meantime, tell her that you/ all have to deal with the two bad guys. Tell her what your T has said and ask her if she could suspend her doubts long enough to help you all deal with these bad guys. Because the bad guys have to be dealt with. No more harm or traumatizing. Tell Lori that you all need her to help. Maybe she will be able to hear that without having to especially understand it all.
Let us know what happens (or doesn’t happen) Sissy. Bottom line … keep trying. You should not be traumatized any more.
Sending tons of positive energy and a round of hugs if you and your folks are okay with that.
ME+WE
08/03/18
This was absolutely a beautiful example of working with your internal system! I’m also finding that being honest with what’s going on inside me is helping me have a much better life. I’ve spent so much time saying it’s not real, I’m faking all this, it’s all stupid…that has done the most damage to us. Fighting it prolongs the trouble. Thank you Kathy and thank you for sharing this beautiful tribute to such hard work!
Hi Linda,
Thanks for your comment, and welcome to Discussing Dissociation!
I’m glad you found this article to be helpful! This DID system did do some beautiful work, and it’s wonderful to see how encouraging it is for others.
Believing your insiders, listening to them, building friendships with them, caring for them, meeting each other’s needs in healthy ways — ALL that stuff is way way way more effective than fighting them with the “I’m faking this” argument. If you were gonna fake it, wouldn’t it be easier to fake a happier issue than to fake all the struggles that come with DID ?? Fighting your system definitely prolongs the trouble, that’s for sure. At least that’s the way I see it… 🙂
Thanks for your comment, and it’s good to see you posting. 🙂
Warmly,
Kathy
Hi Sissy,
This is a good question and I wanted to come back to it. There are layers to what you are asking about so it’s not one simple answer. Let me just toss out some ideas.
First — re: the super mean ones inside. My approach has always been, as the outside T-person, to have the courage to talk directly to those super mean parts. I know that their language will be “colorful” and their approach will be rough so I prepare myself ahead of time, and expect them to be who they are, and that is okay. They gotta start somewhere so where they are is where they are, even if their social manners aren’t so great. Then I just talk with them, and ask them a million questions (as I always do), and I try to understand who they are and what their job is and why they are doing what they are doing. I try to build a connection / rapport with them, and genuinely try to find ways that I can be helpful to them as well.
For ME, that always works, because I believe everyone in the system has a purpose, and if I can find the positive strengths in those ill-behaved parts, then together, we can usually find a more helpful way for them to be part of the system. It’s like giving them a chance to become helpers instead of hurters, and while this takes some time to do, that’s always always my goal.
It’s important to understand the motives of the mean ones, because underneath the mean behavior, those parts are often either trying to protect the person from what they believe is even WORSE harm, OR they are frightened to NOT do it due to their own trauma history, or there is something happening for them that is reinforcing their mean behavior. So I try to figure out what that is, and then try to find better options for them. Maybe they know it is 2018, maybe they don’t know that. Maybe they are not under the same threat they were way back then — it’s important to know if they are or aren’t. Those meanies need to know that they are safe and protected too.
You gotta approach the mean ones as also being important parts of your system, and telling them to “go away” can only be a temporary solution. They are part of your system, so they can’t go away forever and, of course, yes, they’ll keep coming back. You’ll need to address their issues for them to become more workable and helpful in the here-and-now.
If your system is able to contain violent parts for specific lengths of time, AND give them a chance to address their stuff, that can be really helpful. It’s like putting them into a safe environment (safe for them, and safe for everyone else too) while they are working on their stuff. Safety first, so yes, if an insider keeps acting violently to other parts, it is important to address that.
If your Lori can talk to the 2 mean ones, and build some rapport and connection with them (providing she is safe to do that), that would be good. Obviously, the more she can understand them and meet their needs and figure out what will help them, the better. Maybe they can set up specific talking times? Or maybe the 3 of them and your therapist can all have a meeting together?
The hurter parts need to be taught that participating in hurtful behavior is no longer acceptable, and that they need to retire from that and get a new job doing something else much more helpful. They most likely are doing what they were taught / expected to do (in their experience) so teaching them what YOU want them to do is an important part of their healing.
I hope that gives you some ideas!
Good luck, and keep the good work. These are really important steps for your system.
Warmly,
Kathy
Hi Kathy,
I sure hope that what you wrote here resonates with Sissy. It sure did help me!!! It is hard to remember that even our most troublesome insiders have a purpose and a reason for being. Their actions, reactions and perspectives may not fit our current lives but they are only trying to survive the best way that they know how. Whatever their “story” may be, we have to have the courage to listen to them with open hearts and minds and to help them see and find a new way of being. All of our insiders are an essential part of us … they are the survivors in us. When we fail to hear and love them unconditionally, we deny ourselves our essential birthright to love, caring and compassion.
ME+WE
08/07/18
The question that comes into play ate they interjected or are they real parts? Missy seems to think their i impregnated ,So the therapist is questioning whether these parts are part of the mind control issue, that had gone on. That maybe it’s fear. fear that was placed upon the body to keep it in line. To comply with the secrecy of the events that happened. Know that some of these events are being discussed they’re coming on strong to remind the body not to talk about it. The main goal would be to figure out if they are in my control situation or is the actual personalities.
Well I think I have the answer. Shortly after pushing the post button. I started receiving kidney punches. They certainly felt real to me. It certainly did not feel like they were figment of my imagination. So with this new information I’m going to say these guys very much really.
So like the Therapist said I need to figure out what they’re trying to communicate. Lori Jesse sSissy and now me should not be getting hurt.
Hi What’s It Matters,
You are absolutely right. You and Lori, Jesse and Sissy should not be getting hurt. Did you see Kathy’s response to DK on the new blog space?
“2. Still Our Normal Complicated Selves — Keep on Writing!”
Kathy has written a very detailed comment on dealing with “meanies” in our systems. Really great stuff. I think that there may be some very helpful ideas for you and your folks there. Check it out if you have not already seen it.
ME+WE
08/08/18
i be a good inside helper.
🦖
Yeah for Tuck. We can all use a good inside helper in our systems. Keep up the good work Tuck!
ME+WE
08/03/18
Hi Kathy, Jenny and B,
A simply BRILLIANT article and brilliant team work all around!!! Wow … just so instructive, full of inspirational examples and advice and so, so, so hopeful. Thank you all for sharing this piece. A special shout out to Jenny and B for being so courageous in telling us your story. I have read the article several times and will be doing so over and over again. There is just so much depth here to take in and to digest. And so much that will be helpful in addressing my insiders and how to work more effectively in helping them (and ultimately me and my whole system).
Oh and a great reminder especially for folks without a T at the moment or in a crisis state that needs extra help – Kathy (phone) and Laura (email) are available for consultations. Just knowing that that lifeline is there if I need it has seen me through some rough spots.
Thank yous, thank yous, thank yous!
ME+WE
07/31/18
Jenny, B, and Kathy,
Thank you for this article. Such brave work!
There is a lot of unrest in my system and I have never been able to talk about it with a trusted external person without internal and external backlash. There is hope in this article and an example that is clear. Maybe someday I can do the same.
Thankful,
Sarah D.
7/31/2018