Children can get all kinds of injuries. Some injuries can be accidental, some can be tragic, some can be done purposefully by offenders.
Children are resilient, but let’s face it — they are LITTLE. And they are YOUNG. And they are still figuring out the world, and lots of kids don’t know how to read yet, and some of them don’t know how to write, and they may or may not know their colors. They may or may not know how to spell their name. Maybe they are old enough to go to school, but does that mean they “automatically” know how to manage conflicting emotions, scary bad guys, scary trauma, night after night of interrupted sleep, or looooong days of neglect?
Let’s face it.
Even as adults, we have a hard time sorting through intense conflict, chaos, heartbreak, and pain.
Even as adults, we feel stress, and we get upset, and we have strong reactions to really difficult or dangerous relationships.
What makes us think little children know how to do any of this?
The younger the child is, the more they don’t know about the world. The more they are just learning. The more they are just figuring out. How is a child that small supposed to know how to manage a traumatic experience?
What helps children who have just experienced an acute trauma?
What does a child need to recover?
What can be done to lessen the scars and the injuries, emotionally and physically?
These thoughts have been through my mind as I’ve been sitting with my little 2-year old granddaughter this month. As I mentioned in my previous post, she survived an unexpected and terrifying dog attack. There are many layers to that story, and the fears of what ALMOST happened are huge, but the actual story is having a much much better ending now than what it could have had when it began. Thank goodness!
So, to move forward, let’s talk about some of the beautiful things that have helped her this month. Because I’m pretty sure, the processes that genuinely help one child can very like help another child.
During Acute Trauma:
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Remove the child from the danger as quickly as possible. Get to safety ASAP.
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Get proper medical help as quickly as possible.
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Immediately acknowledge the bad behavior of the offender / attacker. Do NOT blame the victim.
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Let them know a protector will step in to help and defend — “Our good doggie will go get that mean doggie!”
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Sing a song, tell a story, and offer many words of comfort to help calm and soothe the child.
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Give the child a soft snuggly stuffie, a pillow, or a toy to hold — a tangible item to hold near them is helpful and comforting.
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Provide sufficient safety, comfort and shelter to allow for rest and sleep after the injury, if possible. The child’s body will simply be exhausted from the extreme nature of the situation, and they will need to rest when they can.
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Stay with the child at all times, as much as possible, offering support, compassion, protection, reassurance…. If you need to leave the room or be out of view, be sure to tell the child exactly where you will be and when you are coming back. Do not let the hurting child also struggle with abandonment fears or separation anxiety.
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Explain to the child honestly what is going to happen next — help prepare the child for what to expect and be honest about how it could feel. Be honest if a procedure will feel scary or painful. Help prepare your child by telling them the truth about what is going to happen.
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Provide as much medical comfort as possible to lessen the pain and discomfort experienced.
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Provide distraction options — ie: tv shows, stories, puzzles, word games, etc.
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Gently cuddle, hug, hold, snuggle with the child — use various healthy versions of soft gentle touch for comfort, for soothing, and for maintaining connection.
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Offer positive rewards, ie: stickers, balloons, fun treats, as positive rewards for having the courage to endure difficult or scary medical procedures.
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Repeatedly tell the child you are so very proud of how brave and strong they are. Boost their self esteem and encourage their personal strength all that you can.
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Give the child your full attention. Let them know, see, and experience that they are important to you and that you are there to help them by being fully focused on the situation.
During the Healing Process:
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Allow the child to talk openly about what happened. Listen to their words, and participate in the conversation with compassion, and empathy. Children need to process their trauma too, so let the child say their story as many times as they need to. Allow lots and lots of freedom to talk about it.
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Confirm with the child — many times, over and over — that they are cared for, loved, treasured, and valued.
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Listen carefully to the words said by the child, as various portions of the story will come out at different times, and often at unexpected times. Be mindful of what the child is saying, and do your best to respond immediately, in a helpful manner, even at a moment’s notice.
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Reassure, confirm, and comfort the child’s emotions and experience as they speak about what happened. Recognize their fear, their pain, their sadness, their anger. Make emotionally appropriate facial expressions with the child, and allow their natural emotions to surface.
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As the child speaks about their experience and asks questions, provide correct and healthy responses. For example, “Some doggies might bite, but not ALL dogs bite — there are lots and lots of good doggies.” or “You don’t ever have to see that mean doggie ever again.” Or, “Yes, I can see that hurt a lot!” Or “I’m very angry at that mean doggie for hurting you. That doggie was not supposed to bite you!” Or, “We’ll make sure that your booboo gets all the help it needs to get better.”
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Find toys that relate to the situation or connect to the trauma and let the child play out their experience as many times as they need to. For example, find a toy medical kit to use to “check the booboo’s”. Or find a teddy bear who has an injury in a similar place. As the child naturally revisits their trauma via play / play therapy, they are working through their emotions, and gaining mastery of the situation.
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Find toys and games that provide a break and distraction from the trauma. A rest from thinking about it is also important.
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Be extra supportive every time the child re-injures or bumps the wounded area, feels new hurt and pain in the wounded area. Of course, after you hurt your toe, you’re gonna keep stubbing your toe. Has that ever happened to you? This happens with children too. So every time the child accidentally re-hurts their booboo, be very very quick to respond and to provide gentle comfort, reassurance, and whatever assistance is needed to help lessen the pain and the injury. Letting the child re-experience comfort and help just solidifies their knowing that they are not alone, and they can have positive help when they need it.
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Watch for unexpected trigger reminders of the trauma. For example, when watching tv, be sensitive to events shown that could — and do — remind the child of what happened to them. Allow the child to talk about what they are seeing, and to process their thoughts and feelings immediately. Acknowledge how the character / situation on the TV program was similar to the child’s situation and help them to process their trauma by seeing it occur somewhere else, and seeing how it resolves for the television character. For our situation, in the movie “Beauty and the Beast“, the beast guy gets bitten by a “big doggie” and gets a booboo. Watching that scene numerous times, and talking about it over and over helped to process the trauma in a different way. In a second movie, a rhinoceros gets a booboo and is taken to the hospital. That scene was also very very powerful, and has been watched / discussed repeatedly, as being taken to the hospital in an ambulance was a significant piece of her personal trauma.
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If possible, let the child relate to a loved one’s healing experience and feel comforted and encouraged by that. For example, I brought a photo of my son when he had a bandaged wound in the same place as my granddaughter’s current injuries. She saw the picture of her beloved daddy in a bandage, saw his sad face, and was thoroughly fascinated that he too was hurt “just like her”. This picture sparked many, many conversations about how daddy had a booboo, and daddy was sad, and also that daddy’s booboo got better. It quickly became obvious too, that whenever the little one felt pain or discomfort with her injuries, she specifically wanted to see and stare at her daddy’s photo immediately. Connecting to the fact that someone she knew and loved could relate to her booboo, and knowing that he got better was very comforting, and helped her to not feel so alone with her trauma.
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Recognize that the child will need extra emotional support for awhile, and will have heightened emotional sensitivities, fears, and anxieties. For example, they may be less comfortable being alone for a little while. Or they may feel more scared of “not scary things”. They will likely be scared of anything that reminds them of their trauma. In our situation, the little one asking if every new doggie she sees will bite her is a natural part of this process. These heightened emotional states will settle as the child regains a sense of safety, has more positive experiences, and their pain lessens.
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Be aware that children may also regress in their behaviors for a period of time when they are most fearful or anxious. When children feel upset, they can “step backwards” in managing the skillset they were previously learning and mastering. For example, if potty training was relatively new, their ability to still handle potty training while also trying to understand acute trauma may be a massive overload for them, leading to more potty accidents. The child just can’t do both big tasks for awhile. Try to be patient and understanding of this. The child’s mastery of these skills will return — be compassionate with your children while they are finding their balance again.
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Maintain normal routines and behaviorial expectations as the injuries allow. For example, if the child is expected to pick up their toys, stay consistent with that structure. You may certainly have gentle leniency by helping with these tasks more than normal, especially if the injuries impact the child’s ability to complete normal tasks, but as a whole, keep healthy boundaries and expectations as normal as you can. Help the traumatized child to feel secure in the structure and routine that they see as normal.
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Teach new information. After a traumatic injury, the child’s view of the world has just changed. For my granddaughter, her overwhelming love of dogs and view of all dogs being her friend has just been challenged. She needs to learn new information — that some dogs will, of course, be her best friend, while other dogs need to be avoided. The doggie world is no longer clear for her, as she has to learn when to distinguish one situation from another. Of course, asking if every new doggie she sees will bite her is a natural part of this process. As she begins to learn more about dogs, learn more about her options, and build her own confidence again, hopefully, some of this fear will decrease.
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Provide a celebration of medical accomplishments! Let the child see themselves as “graduating” through the healing process with cheers, happiness, excitement, and new positive memories. Every day the child feels a little better, clap and cheer and encourage them for doing such a great job healing their booboos. Three cheers for “my booboo feels better!” Or…. on the first day to be allowed back in water, plan an extra fun tub party full of bubbles and party music. Or, for example, in our situation, while restricted from playing outdoors or in the sun, Mimi has been teaching “Zoo School” and talking about all kinds of animals. We are going to celebrate my granddaughter’s first day off “outdoor restrictions” by going to the Zoo for the very very first time. This positive new experience will help connect happy memories to what has been a difficult time.
What if the child was not emotionally supported after their injury?
Any child that is neglected or left alone on their own to sort out the “consequences” of being horrifically injured is going to have extra emotional scars layered on top of the physical injuries. The genuine, helpful role of a caregiver is so enormously crucial in minimizing the effect of the trauma. It’s typically not possible to 100% injuries to children, but it is possible, and obviously crucial, to minimize the impact of these traumatic experiences.
Personally, I am convinced that one of the main, underlying needs to split and dissociate into separated selves occurs when the child experiences a painful or severe trauma and does not have adequate or positive emotional comfort afterwards. For a young child to try to self soothe, understand the nature of their injuries, sort out their confusion and fears, and manage the pain on their own — that’s far far too much to put onto a child. The child is left with no option but to separate the incident from themselves, as there is no way to “assimilate it” and make sense of it on their own.
This means, that childhood neglect is as severe and damaging as childhood abuse, and maybe even more so.
Applying these Concepts about Comfort to Your DID System
Most DID survivors and their child parts did not get the proper comfort, the proper aftercare, the necessary support needed after they were hurt or injured.
However, many DID child parts are still connected to the time frame in which their injuries happened. It still feels like the time and date of the injury. It may be years later, but for inside kids, “Then” may still feel like “Now”. Or “Now” may still feel like “Then”. As bizarre as it seems, this time distortion allows for a very unique opportunity.
In that sense, when “Then” feels like “Now”, you get the opportunity to provide the comfort and compassion to your child parts who didn’t receive the kindness and care needed immediately after their injury. You can still give them so much of what they didn’t get “Then” by giving it to them NOW.
It is important to apply all these healing concepts to improve their own healing as individual insiders. And of course, their individual ability to heal from their wounds impact your overall system healing.
Dissoci-ACTION Questions:
- What can you do to help your little ones who feel like they were injured this week?
- How can you comfort them?
- What kindness and compassion can you show them?
- What questions can you answer to help them make sense of the trauma and to reduce any blame or shame they are putting upon themselves?
- Which of the healing tips concepts listed above can you apply for your internal kids?
Helping children experience healing is so very very rewarding….. Don’t be scared to go near your child parts. Find joy and purpose in helping them to feel better, to feel safer, to feel protected, to feel cared for.
I wish you ALL the very very best in your healing.
Warmly,
Kathy
Copyright © 2008-2018 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
Kathy,
This is information is GOLD! Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge and experience. The timing of this blog post is spot on for me as earlier today, my T and I were able to ‘sit’ near a child part that at this time is not responding to my comforting/consoling efforts. This little insider of mine is in past time, as if trauma just occurred. While being able to sit in the room with her without interference from other parts is a big step forward, I did not know what to do when she didn’t respond to comforts from me. This blog post has given me some really good ideas.
Gratefully,
Sarah D.
7/17/18
Dear Kathy,
Once again you have turned a personal journey (in this case one around your granddaughter’s trauma) into a healing lesson for us all. In doing so, you have taught us so much more than just the lesson of how to help a child who is hurting (including our child parts). You have led by example here in teaching us how the most horrible of tragedies can be turned into an important life lesson where compassion, mindful listening, honest dialogue and unconditional love brings about healing of the deepest kind. Your ever-selfless heart shines through over and over again here on the DD website Kathy for which I am deeply and sincerely grateful.
This article spoke such volumes to me and my little insiders. My initial splits took place from a series of hospitalizations when I was 31/2 years old. There was already serious attachment issues and some neglect (although not blatantly intentional). When I entered the hospital the first time, I was sure that it was because I was being punished for being sick and throwing up. Well, I was spanked and yelled at for that and my parents did not take kindly to my endless “complaining” as they saw it (but turns out I was sick!). Children in hospitals in the late 1950s were to be quiet and would see their parents only during a couple of visiting hours each day. No soothing. No explaining. No comforting. The thought was, “she is too young to remember any of this”.
I have some memories myself (as host personality) but much of the experience and the subsequent two hospitalizations are held by some of my insiders. Later that year (after I had turned 4 years old) I was subjected to repeated sexual abuse. My one abuser would come in every night and “play doctor” with me and the little medical kit he had bought for me.
I tell you all this because I was very confused at first with my DID diagnosis. At the time, the sexual abuse part of my history had not surfaced yet. What I was reading about DID did not seem to connect with my illnesses and hospitalizations. I know very clearly that three of my little ones were “born” during that time NOT the later sexual abuse (even though they handled that abuse). So, I know how important it is to address the physical illness trauma of children and for folks to understand that it can be the root cause of DID as well. I denied my DID diagnosis for a while because I felt that I could not be DID unless sexual abuse was involved. I now know that that is not the case.
I have worked with my T in helping my little ones understand what happened (illness and hospitalizations-wise). I have learned so much about how my child’s mind took in and interpreted what was happening – punishment for being sick, learning not to complain about pain, abandonment, gut wrenching fear, having a zipper installed so big people can take parts out whenever they want to (my appendix scar); don’t make a mess with bodily functions or big people (read daddy and nurses) will punish you, etc. And yes – children do remember.
WOW … just so much stirred up here Kathy. Thank you. It has helped me to see that I still have a lot of listening, understanding, soothing and loving to do with my little ones!
With sincere regard,
ME+WE
07/17/18
❤️🤗❤️🤗🐱
This is a great article. Thank you for sharing your experiences and wisdom. It helps me understand what healthy support and care looks like and helps me see and understand what my young parts lacked and truly needed during those periods when they were left alone to cope after trauma. And It definitely helps me understand what my role should be to those parts now.
I’m glad your grand-daughter is having a positive recovery experience from her trauma. I’m sure it’s a process, with ups and downs, but it sounds like she is loved and well supported!
I totally agree with you with your concepts of helping children through a difficult time. In reality with anybody that’s going through ra difficult time. You’d want to give them love, encouragement respect, understanding and a of pportunities to discuss their issues . I am very good at this with Friends, strangers, my family, And grandbabies. My difficulties are with comforting and giving support to my parts . The struggles that I come across is … When everyone is in a good place and does not need love or comforting; I can see that we are all separate and I accept that. When support is needed in a positive and loving way, I continue to tell myself that we are all one. I need to knock it off and grow up. The pasted is the past and I need to let things go. I think reality is that I’m probably feeling that I don’t deserve to be able to love my body my mind and my spirit.
Love my extra Letters. NOT
we just always got made fun of
if we got hurted
then left allone
we dont menbr eny time sombudy did be nice if we got hurt
allways we just got left allone
and no one come back to help
we did lern to take care of arselfs
becuse nobody els will help.
we do be lening this stuff now cuz this be how are talker lady tech us
her be nice if we get hurt
her be the only 1
so we be lerning from her how to help each other in side
Like give each other bandaids
and blue gives 💐 flowers 🌸
and we migt give each other a pese of candy or a 🍪 cookie
Kathy you granddoter be so very lucky her have pepol to help her
we be happy for her
Even today be a very hard day and tomrow probly gona be a relly bad day for us
so for friday we be trying to think of somthing fun and nice for us.
like mabey go to the water park to get are mind off are hurting harts.
and mabey get a cup cake. 🍰
Good read. Thank you for sharing this and your story(ies) with us.
We can get in such a funk that finding positive ways to interact with each other or out there in the Consensus World now gets difficult to do. Sometimes I want to say,”Yeah but Kathy, you don’t understand. We feel like crap and being positive or trying to find positive is not something we can do for ourselves or each other.” Sometimes we want you to say “Yep, it all sucks, major-big time, and all DID people have a pass on being negative and depressed. Y’all can just hide and everyone will understand.” Uh, or something like that.
But really, I do prefer your positive, uplifting messages because we have all the negative, beat ourselves up, down-in-the-dumps, never gonna get better, messages ingrained so deeply inside already. Being kind to ourself(ves) feels like we’re wearing Spanx that are 3 sizes too small and are suffocating, constricting, unusual. LOL
Personally, I am so very good at being unkind and neglectful to my self and others inside. It won’t be the work of my insiders to change this. This is all on me. I will start working on that. Oy.
I hope your granddaughter is doing much better. And I hope you get some awesome vacation time in with your family while you’re in country!
Reading this hurts a lot. Especially the parts about being given comfort and medical care when kids are hurt.
This is partly why we have such complicated feelings about doctors – we’re terrified of them, but also drawn by the idea that they care for people. It’s like we’re simultaneously fascinated and repulsed, and also sure that they will hurt us too. We often dream about being hurt and being left on the floor of a hospital while people walk over and around us as if we aren’t there. In those dreams we can’t move or speak and we are cold and frozen in terror and pain.
It also hurts because we have a child just a little younger than your granddaughter, and we try to do all these things for him. Though, thankfully, he hasn’t experienced major injuries or traumas, being a toddler is a hard job and there are so many opportunities each day to do each of these on a smaller scale. And it hurts so, so much to do that. Even as it feels important and soothing on some level to meet his emotional and physical needs for safety, it also feels like we are breaking inside.
I struggle with knowing how to provide any of this for my own parts. They are constantly experiencing what it is like to not have these needs met, as if they are being hurt now. I can see how that in some ways provides an opportunity… but, practically, I feel completely unequipped to help them. My efforts feel pathetic, and often makes them angry (or are ignored completely), and I know I’m doing a bad job.
It is timely to read this article now, because parts are in enormous pain this week. They feel as if they are experiencing trauma and abandonment now, and so they long for these things more than anything. I don’t feel like I can even touch the edge of how much they need with my attempts to help. I have this horrible fear that I am one of those people you write about sometimes who just don’t try hard enough, who say they want to get better but refuse to do anything about it. It feels like my fault because I know that I am supposed to meet their needs because now our body is grown up and so no one else will ever do it. And I’m failing.
HazelE,
Oh my goodness, you describe what I experience so well. “it feels like we are breaking inside…I feel completely unequipped…my efforts feel pathetic…parts are in enormous pain this week…I don’t feel like I can even touch the edge of how much they need…just don’t try hard enough…I’m failing”.
HazelE, I see you doing the best you can. I see that the negativity and “failure” messages might come from protector parts trying to keep the hurt and pain away from you and it worked for a long time. Now, you can see insiders in pain and can’t reach them, YET. Protectors are helpers and they can help you get to your little ones. As an adult, you DO have the ability to process what the young traumatized parts could not. You ARE capable to meet needs because you give it outwardly. It is not easy to apply it to insiders. Be gentle and kind to all of you. You are not alone, I have those messages often. They don’t have to stop you anymore. I believe you are taking healing strides by posting your struggles here.
Thank you so much for your bravery.
Sarah D.
7/21/18
Sarah, thank you – I really appreciate your words. I’ve come back to them a few times in the last couple of days while I continue to think about this post. It stirred up a sense of longing that is difficult to tolerate.
I like that you mentioned protector parts because that is what my therapist would say too. Your comment made me remember that some (little) things have changed – I suppose at least I can see them in pain, like you said. Even if I’m not able to help them enough yet.
HazelE
7/23/18
Hi All,
Well, Kathy’s article really stirred up a lot of stuff for us. That is a good thing … a very good thing. We learn so much about our healing process from the inner turmoil that we feel when something that we read speaks so deeply, personally and poignantly to us. Lets face it NONE of us had such a compassionate person in our lives as Kathy – well at least not one who could change the traumas that we experienced. And, that was a BIG part of our trauma – lack of affection, our needs being heard and met, genuine-unconditional love, kindness, and just plain healing loving cuddles. It was not safe, nurturing and compassionate where we came from.
But, we have a chance to make a real difference in our lives in the here and now. We are in control, no matter how out of control we may feel. We have an opportunity to bring that level of genuine love, compassion and caring to our inside folks (and, ultimately ourselves).
Will we be good at this right off the top? NO! We have not experienced this kind of caring to know what it feels like let alone how to do it. And, quite frankly, it feels a bit scary. In part because it is what we have so longed for all of our lives and not received we cannot trust that we are deserving of such love now – not even from ourselves. And maybe we cannot even trust ourselves to give ourselves the kind of love that we deserve – what we have ALWAYS deserved.
But dear friends, if we are going to heal, we have to start by healing our relationship with ourselves. That means treating our insiders with the kind of unconditional love, caring and respect that they deserve – even the more “troublesome ones”. Let’s face it, all of our insiders were created out of pain. They all have booboos that need to be seen, heard, soothed and healed.
Okay, so Kathy has given us the blueprint for our own healing. It will not be easy and we will make mistakes but we can do this. Maybe we can start with the insiders that we already have a good relationship with and try out some of the ideas that Kathy suggests with them. Get our grounding and some practice under our belts before we try to work with some of our other, less accessible inside folks. This is not a race … it is a journey. Take your time to really explore with an open heart and mind what that journey presents to you.
With humble regard, your friend,
ME+WE
07/17/18
Hi me+we,
Thank you for this post. We (the “grown-ups”) really needed to hear this today. We have been trying some of these caring and nurturing steps with our little ones who already have some trust in us, and hoping that the little ones, and even some of our tweens and teens, will see/believe that they can also trust us to help them with their trauma. One step, one moment at a time.
MyCircleOfLife
Hi MyCircleOfLife,
I am always so happy to hear that anything that I write here helps others. ☺
It really sounds like you are making good inroads in building trust and communication with your inside folks. I have found that it takes an enormous amount of time, energy and patience … and then when I think that I have really made some headway with them … something will happen and I feel like I am starting all over again. That’s where the patience comes in … hahaha. But little by little my inside folks are listening, feeling and responding more and more. Solid relationships of any kind are not built over night. They take time, listening, compassionate understanding and a willingness to get to know the other person. Well, it really is no different for us getting to know our inside folks. Building that level of trust with insiders who were born out of violent abuse and neglect takes time. I tend to look upon them as I would a scared and wounded animal. You cannot just rush in. You have to build trust through soothing talk, a willingness to stay present (even when they push you away or run away) and unconditional love and compassion.
ME+WE
07/31/18
We started being nice to each other because of your posts, and now months later someone hurting very badly has finally felt safe enough to join us. Thank you for another helpful post, we will put this one to good use too.
Thank you for this article. I see a number of ways that this applies to where I am at. I know that I struggle with trying to learn how one situation can be different from another…..they all (as well as many people) come across to me as “warning! warning!” I never had any children, so I have little concept as to what should have been done – besides the fact that much of my suspected trauma is still blocked off. This article is much like me trying to learn a foreign language – I can see it is going to take time.
Even reading how Kathy responded to her granddaughter was almost scary for me – it just about makes my brain hurt – more than I can figure out how to comprehend – don’t even know how to handle accepting care like that – much less step into it to give my own parts. Will have to keep processing…….
Hi MissyMing,
Thanks for your comment — it’s good to hear that this article has given you something to think about. I’m glad you are processing it, and I really do hope that you keep thinking about these things… Because oh my goodness, MissyMing, I feel so sad to hear that these concepts about helping a hurting child feel so foreign to you and your parts. Oh dear, y’all really have been neglected, and left so very alone with your pain. That wasn’t okay!
Please be gentle with yourself — if this is new information, then it’s super good that you are here. I’m very very pleased to be able to encourage you to learn about helping yourself and your insiders with your pain. All of you deserve comfort, respect, and kindness, and I hope you can find ways to start practicing these skills and apply them with each other.
Keep reading — it’s good that you are learning!
Sending lots n lots of warm gentle waves your way….
Kathy
KB! So grateful for your Grandgirl’s progress!!! This is such a fantastic post. Our inner worlds DEPEND on this kind of gentle kindness. Thanks for your Monday-morning wisdoms.
it funny how you say let the child tell the event over and over as even the counselors we saw thought it should be “one and done” but it was important cause there is always a piece left out that another part has or is even too hard to say and by telling over and over slowly it all comes out.
we told a counselor once that mpd (did) is about making an event unreal with other people. maybe its also you are alone after the abuse its a way to have company. we are never lonely there is always a group of us around. we use to play ball and said “too many people on the field”
Hi X,
Thanks for your comment. Such good insight you are offering.
Yes, yes, yes, the need to tell over and over and over, and to talk about it over and over and over was definitely there. This event changed her world view (it was the first time she was ever truly injured), so of course there would be lots to say. AND… there was no reason to not let her talk about it. She had questions, and she would remember bits and pieces at different times or when something happened that reminded her of this piece, or that piece. She also began recognizing other people who had booboo’s and that began building empathy and compassion in her re: the pain others feel. And she had a little more awareness of her own body too. These are big learning experiences for children….. and it all is worthy of being talked about!
Telling children to keep secrets and not allowing them to process their trauma and making them sit alone with such extreme pain and fear is beyond cruel and seriously adds to the depth of the injury.
You’ve made a really interesting point, X. Splitting apart and talking with each other on the inside is very much a way to have company. I know some DID folks who have also spoken about that very need — to have SOMEONE there to help with the loneliness and isolation, even if it’s someone from an internal place. Such a creative way to meet a very real need….
I’m glad your people have found their voice, and are talking as they need to… Y’all are welcome to speak out here whenever you want!
Sending friendly waves your way…
Warmly,
Kathy
So much to help is the inner parts come to peace. How about something is written how to take care of the host. How do we help her through all the difficult stuff that comes up? How do we get her to get out of bed when it is a bad day or a week How about something written for her the host .Ways to deal with the terms of everything that’s gone on in her own body and mind . When she hears that another Part of her on mind Who’s Terrorizing another part
Hi Mr D,
Thank you for your comment, and welcome to Discussing Dissociation.
That is a very good question, and I think it definitely warrants it’s own post. I’ll start writing my thoughts about that, and hopefully I’ll get that posted sooner than later. Thanks for the question!
Warmly,
Kathy
Thank you for this. As a mom of 5, i can show this type of treatment to my outside children, but the internal children im very harsh with. I will try to be kinder with them.
How can you help a child who needs to communicate something but doesn’t know what it is? I don’t know either, and I don’t know how to help and sometimes it makes me feel crazy.
This part needs to share something and knows that it is there but there are no words or images connected to it. She can feel it in her body, but that only makes it worse because there are still no words for that either. So she feels like she is holding something – something big, something unbearably heavy – and she wants help and she has no way to get to it. It’s lonely and scary and she’s afraid it will live inside of her forever because there is no way to name it or share it or ask for help. She feels frantic because she doesn’t know how to tolerate something that she can feel but not describe.
She is sure that the answer will be some version of putting her off, because no one knows what to do with something that can’t be seen or heard. She can’t bear it anymore and she doesn’t know what to do and we don’t know what to do either.
Hi HelenE,
Well, that is truly a difficult one. When my very first insider came out to my T, she kept trying to express herself but all she did was struggle in the chair. My T kept asking her to tell me what was going on. She kept saying that she was trying to but I was not listening to her. That really confused and angered me because I was trying to listen but she was not saying anything.
Eventually, while meditating one morning and talking to her, I started to get a lot of pain and other body sensations all over my body. Then I realized that she was trying to tell me her story all along. She did not have words for what happened. What little child does have a vocabulary to describe the horrors that they went through. Those kinds of words and understanding just do not exist for little ones. But, she was trying to tell me with her body feelings. As I started to listen to the body memories, flashes of memory came back about what made those body feelings in the first place. The adult me understood what those images meant while she did not. And so I could finally ‘hear’ what she was saying.
This took a long time to sort out – a little bit at a time. She also did some drawings and my T had a stuffed dog that she used to show us what happened. Just as you would with a child who was abused, you can use drawings, stuffed animals, anatomically correct dolls, etc. to help you little ones tell you their stories how they understand them. You have to try and get into a child’s mind and how they interpret things to understand how your little ones are expressing themselves sometimes.
With time and more information, you can start to give them the words that they need to describe what happened (within a certain limited scope). So, in my case, the little ones were told that the snakes are actually not snakes but parts of a boy/man’s body called a penis. Took a whole lot of time to get that through. Actually not totally understood yet but the frantic need to tell me their stories has lessoned as they have come to feel heard and understood. Now, they (other little ones appeared over time) had to go over and over and over the same stuff. And, just when I thought that we all understood, another wrinkle would be added.
So, just be patient and let your insiders tell you what they need to tell you in their own time and their own way. Look for the clues, assume nothing, think like a child would think and just provide your insiders with an open, loving space to express what they need to tell you in whatever way that they can.
You have a lot of information already HazelE. Let it marinade and see what comes out.
ME+WE
07/25/18
Yeah.
What you wrote made me realize that she probably is trying to process that stuff. Things she doesn’t have words for, things held in her body. My therapist also said that the urgency is maybe a feeling memory and not necessarily telling me anything about right now. So we’re trying to remember that tonight though it is very hard.
Being patient feels torturous when her need to communicate this is so enormous, and the rest of us have such a limited ability to hear it (some of us can’t tolerate any it if at all). It feels as if there will never be a way to learn more… I hope that you’re right, when you say I have a lot of information and more may come with time.
We were terrified of snakes as a kid, and had constant nightmares about them… they were always the same, about snakes coming to get me from my room.
I’m sorry that happened to you, but I really admire the patience and curiosity it took to listen and figure out what your parts were trying to tell you. I hope I can get there someday, but right now if feels like we’re just drowning in something that I don’t even understand.
Thank you for writing – it is kind of you to listen. It helps, so thank you.
Hi HazelE,
First of all, my apology for wrongly addressing my last message to you as HelenE. Some times I do not know where my brain comes up with my spellings. I have dyslexia so my brain thinks that if the first and last letters are right and a few in between, then that is all that is needed. Wow … I was way off this time, I am sorry about that.
Now, I must assure you that I have had a LOT of frustrating days, weeks, months … trying to hear and listen to my inside folks and sort out what the heck they are trying to tell me or do for me or process for me or … sometimes I just think that they enjoy jerking me around!!! So patience is something that I have been working on for a long time. Mediation has helped me a lot in that regard. But, I still struggle with patience and compassion and understanding with my insiders. However, I know that the more that I struggle, the tighter the knots become and I do not get anywhere in unraveling them. So, the task is to relax, be patient and let the knots loosen on their own in their own time.
I continually remind myself that my insiders have been with me for some 60 years doing things the way that they feel is best. And, that was a lot of silence for most of those years (well, at least silence with regard to my knowing about them). So, I cannot expect a quick fix here. There is a lot to sort out.
Be gentle and kind with yourself HazelE. You are doing great work from what I read here. Give yourself a pat on the back for what you have already accomplished and for your willingness to do the hard work of sorting your system out. I really understand how overwhelming it feels. But, hang in there. You will get there some day. And, we are all here to help and support you along your way.
Your friend,
ME+WE
07/28/18
Dear Kathy, thank you very much for this list!!! It is very, very helpful! I remember, that i hided in the forest, when i was hurt or sick as a child…it was somehow more safe to be on my own. My mom would always say that “it is a million times worse for her if i was hurt” & i had to care for her, after i was hurt…of course i can understand that it is stressful, if someone you love gets hurt…but she was the one that hurt me?!…very confusing thoughts!
The list gives me lots of ideas how to care for my inside kids, who never got any help…(which is much needed, but i still struggle with that) and its also very helpful as mom of a 18 month old son. Sometimes i get very unconfident when he is sick or hurt, as i don’t have memories of anything helpful that i experienced in such situations… basically, i don’t know how it feels, if someone cares for you… I would like to make him feel well immeadiately and it is very difficult for me to accept that i can’t. Of course i stay with him and take him to the doctor, if needed…but we still have to wait patiently until the body gets better. Your list somehow reassures me, that i actually DO a lot of things to help him… i worked on this topic with my therapist, as my son needed surgery when he was one year old (malformation of the thumb). I planed everything as good as possible, i stayed with him during the whole time in hospital, bought him some new books and toys (he loved the new swing inside the house) and did not work during his recovery. He needed a cast, which was very limiting during play and he was not allowed to crawl (usually he is a very active boy). Sometimes he got really frustrated and hit his cast with the other hand or against the table. He did not understand why i did not take it away or why it hurts! I tried to find words for his feelings, like “i see its frustrating for you” or just hold and cuddle or distract him with a toy or book. But how can you explain it to a one year old? And how can you deal with such young insiders? How can you explain if they don’t understand the words and can’t talk about their feelings? do you have any ideas?!
Hi Ella,
I used to escape to the woods in our back yard and later (when I had a bike) a big park with an extensive forest. The trees were my friends. There is one big old oak tree in my mother’s back yard that I hug when I visit.
A number of my little ones do not have the vocabulary to describe what happened to them and how they hurt. I “listen” to my body sensations (memories) – that has told a lot of their story to me. They have also shown me in flashbacks so I can piece together what happened and what they do not have the words to describe. I have made a safe place for them to go to when things are not safe. I also just spend time with them, hold them, cuddle them, tickle them, kiss them, talking in soothing tones to them, let them talk or cry or whatever they need to do. Often I play with them too. I just respond to what they seem to need in the moment. Right now my one little one is worried because we are away from our T. She (my T) suggested that she use her imagination and to pretend that she is there with her. So, my little one decided that a tea party on the beach would be perfect. We have had a couple already and that seems to sooth her worries.
Bottom line, you cannot explain with words to a one year old. You explain with actions that comfort, sooth, nurture, love, provide appropriate care, etc.
I hope that this helps!
ME+WE
07/31/18
sum tims ther dont be ene thin u can do for a kid thas hert
Kathy this list of helping children thru trauma is absolutely invaluable to those of us who truly have no clue! It’s one of the most important things I’ve ever read. Thank You for sharing what you went thru & thereby teaching us here at DD ‘what on earth’ to do with traumatized inside littles. WoW a Great List of helpful info!
And the feedback in this particular blog shows such maturity in those trying so hard to heal. I’ve had one of my worst weekends ever but just a few weeks ago I determined with all my might to take all steps necessary for healing. No more denial. No more wishing for someone else to fix me, or a pill, or my Therapist, or a higher power, no more waiting on outside to fix me. “I” can fix me!!! “I” am the one that see’s inside. It’s “My” world & “My” history. “I” am the professional on “My” self. No one but “Me” knows exactly what is needed inside. And we have the Best Help Available in the World right now thru This Blog & Kathy’s 30 years of expertise. So We have decided that if it is earthly possible to Heal then We are going to Heal. I have committed to my team inside to do the healing work because Healing IS Possible. Kathy has seen it & has promised that it’s true! I’m going for it.
So I want to share about my crummy, rotten, very bad weekend. Inside heard my commitment but this weekend I was really tested on my word. Just like an outside child will push the rules, my inside children were hurting tremendously & pushed me to the wall about keeping my healthy promises. I gutted it out with them. We had a weekend of overwhelming body memories, pain & sickness. And a Wall that wouldn’t let me know what was happening. But just as someone mentioned, they “were” telling me their story the only way they knew how – with their feelings. Also by keeping my word even when it was so so hard to do, by Sunday evening I was allowed to push some comfort thru the Wall. And it truly worked. We are calming down now on both sides of that wall. With Kathy’s list of how to comfort children thru & after trauma, I’m able to send comfort thru that wall as well as to comfort the selves of me who have worked so very hard this weekend to keep our promises. So many in my system are just young ones that have never known comfort. We can do it. I’m very encouraged! I know intimately what I need & I can provide it like no one else. They need ‘Me’ & I need ‘them’. And we are here for each other, especially when times are so hard. Do I want my Therapist? Oh yes I do. But no one, even my T knows & Loves me like me.
Thanks Kathy for this awesome place to come & learn & heal & share. We all need each other here.
Hi The Calendar Crew,
Thank you for sharing. Your honest and insightful postings are certainly something that is encouraging and helpful to me. You also pointed me back to articles that I needed to reread myself. Very inspiring all around!
ME+WE
07/31/18
Me + We, Thank You So Much. It was a hard weekend wasn’t it. I’m so glad something I said was helpful for you. We’re in this together & there is SO much to read! I’m very Glad about that. We wish you well.
The Calendar Crew