Children can get all kinds of injuries. Some injuries can be accidental, some can be tragic, some can be done purposefully by offenders.
Children are resilient, but let’s face it — they are LITTLE. And they are YOUNG. And they are still figuring out the world, and lots of kids don’t know how to read yet, and some of them don’t know how to write, and they may or may not know their colors. They may or may not know how to spell their name. Maybe they are old enough to go to school, but does that mean they “automatically” know how to manage conflicting emotions, scary bad guys, scary trauma, night after night of interrupted sleep, or looooong days of neglect?
Let’s face it.
Even as adults, we have a hard time sorting through intense conflict, chaos, heartbreak, and pain.
Even as adults, we feel stress, and we get upset, and we have strong reactions to really difficult or dangerous relationships.
What makes us think little children know how to do any of this?
The younger the child is, the more they don’t know about the world. The more they are just learning. The more they are just figuring out. How is a child that small supposed to know how to manage a traumatic experience?
What helps children who have just experienced an acute trauma?
What does a child need to recover?
What can be done to lessen the scars and the injuries, emotionally and physically?
These thoughts have been through my mind as I’ve been sitting with my little 2-year old granddaughter this month. As I mentioned in my previous post, she survived an unexpected and terrifying dog attack. There are many layers to that story, and the fears of what ALMOST happened are huge, but the actual story is having a much much better ending now than what it could have had when it began. Thank goodness!
So, to move forward, let’s talk about some of the beautiful things that have helped her this month. Because I’m pretty sure, the processes that genuinely help one child can very like help another child.
During Acute Trauma:
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Remove the child from the danger as quickly as possible. Get to safety ASAP.
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Get proper medical help as quickly as possible.
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Immediately acknowledge the bad behavior of the offender / attacker. Do NOT blame the victim.
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Let them know a protector will step in to help and defend — “Our good doggie will go get that mean doggie!”
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Sing a song, tell a story, and offer many words of comfort to help calm and soothe the child.
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Give the child a soft snuggly stuffie, a pillow, or a toy to hold — a tangible item to hold near them is helpful and comforting.
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Provide sufficient safety, comfort and shelter to allow for rest and sleep after the injury, if possible. The child’s body will simply be exhausted from the extreme nature of the situation, and they will need to rest when they can.
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Stay with the child at all times, as much as possible, offering support, compassion, protection, reassurance…. If you need to leave the room or be out of view, be sure to tell the child exactly where you will be and when you are coming back. Do not let the hurting child also struggle with abandonment fears or separation anxiety.
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Explain to the child honestly what is going to happen next — help prepare the child for what to expect and be honest about how it could feel. Be honest if a procedure will feel scary or painful. Help prepare your child by telling them the truth about what is going to happen.
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Provide as much medical comfort as possible to lessen the pain and discomfort experienced.
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Provide distraction options — ie: tv shows, stories, puzzles, word games, etc.
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Gently cuddle, hug, hold, snuggle with the child — use various healthy versions of soft gentle touch for comfort, for soothing, and for maintaining connection.
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Offer positive rewards, ie: stickers, balloons, fun treats, as positive rewards for having the courage to endure difficult or scary medical procedures.
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Repeatedly tell the child you are so very proud of how brave and strong they are. Boost their self esteem and encourage their personal strength all that you can.
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Give the child your full attention. Let them know, see, and experience that they are important to you and that you are there to help them by being fully focused on the situation.
During the Healing Process:
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Allow the child to talk openly about what happened. Listen to their words, and participate in the conversation with compassion, and empathy. Children need to process their trauma too, so let the child say their story as many times as they need to. Allow lots and lots of freedom to talk about it.
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Confirm with the child — many times, over and over — that they are cared for, loved, treasured, and valued.
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Listen carefully to the words said by the child, as various portions of the story will come out at different times, and often at unexpected times. Be mindful of what the child is saying, and do your best to respond immediately, in a helpful manner, even at a moment’s notice.
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Reassure, confirm, and comfort the child’s emotions and experience as they speak about what happened. Recognize their fear, their pain, their sadness, their anger. Make emotionally appropriate facial expressions with the child, and allow their natural emotions to surface.
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As the child speaks about their experience and asks questions, provide correct and healthy responses. For example, “Some doggies might bite, but not ALL dogs bite — there are lots and lots of good doggies.” or “You don’t ever have to see that mean doggie ever again.” Or, “Yes, I can see that hurt a lot!” Or “I’m very angry at that mean doggie for hurting you. That doggie was not supposed to bite you!” Or, “We’ll make sure that your booboo gets all the help it needs to get better.”
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Find toys that relate to the situation or connect to the trauma and let the child play out their experience as many times as they need to. For example, find a toy medical kit to use to “check the booboo’s”. Or find a teddy bear who has an injury in a similar place. As the child naturally revisits their trauma via play / play therapy, they are working through their emotions, and gaining mastery of the situation.
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Find toys and games that provide a break and distraction from the trauma. A rest from thinking about it is also important.
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Be extra supportive every time the child re-injures or bumps the wounded area, feels new hurt and pain in the wounded area. Of course, after you hurt your toe, you’re gonna keep stubbing your toe. Has that ever happened to you? This happens with children too. So every time the child accidentally re-hurts their booboo, be very very quick to respond and to provide gentle comfort, reassurance, and whatever assistance is needed to help lessen the pain and the injury. Letting the child re-experience comfort and help just solidifies their knowing that they are not alone, and they can have positive help when they need it.
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Watch for unexpected trigger reminders of the trauma. For example, when watching tv, be sensitive to events shown that could — and do — remind the child of what happened to them. Allow the child to talk about what they are seeing, and to process their thoughts and feelings immediately. Acknowledge how the character / situation on the TV program was similar to the child’s situation and help them to process their trauma by seeing it occur somewhere else, and seeing how it resolves for the television character. For our situation, in the movie “Beauty and the Beast“, the beast guy gets bitten by a “big doggie” and gets a booboo. Watching that scene numerous times, and talking about it over and over helped to process the trauma in a different way. In a second movie, a rhinoceros gets a booboo and is taken to the hospital. That scene was also very very powerful, and has been watched / discussed repeatedly, as being taken to the hospital in an ambulance was a significant piece of her personal trauma.
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If possible, let the child relate to a loved one’s healing experience and feel comforted and encouraged by that. For example, I brought a photo of my son when he had a bandaged wound in the same place as my granddaughter’s current injuries. She saw the picture of her beloved daddy in a bandage, saw his sad face, and was thoroughly fascinated that he too was hurt “just like her”. This picture sparked many, many conversations about how daddy had a booboo, and daddy was sad, and also that daddy’s booboo got better. It quickly became obvious too, that whenever the little one felt pain or discomfort with her injuries, she specifically wanted to see and stare at her daddy’s photo immediately. Connecting to the fact that someone she knew and loved could relate to her booboo, and knowing that he got better was very comforting, and helped her to not feel so alone with her trauma.
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Recognize that the child will need extra emotional support for awhile, and will have heightened emotional sensitivities, fears, and anxieties. For example, they may be less comfortable being alone for a little while. Or they may feel more scared of “not scary things”. They will likely be scared of anything that reminds them of their trauma. In our situation, the little one asking if every new doggie she sees will bite her is a natural part of this process. These heightened emotional states will settle as the child regains a sense of safety, has more positive experiences, and their pain lessens.
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Be aware that children may also regress in their behaviors for a period of time when they are most fearful or anxious. When children feel upset, they can “step backwards” in managing the skillset they were previously learning and mastering. For example, if potty training was relatively new, their ability to still handle potty training while also trying to understand acute trauma may be a massive overload for them, leading to more potty accidents. The child just can’t do both big tasks for awhile. Try to be patient and understanding of this. The child’s mastery of these skills will return — be compassionate with your children while they are finding their balance again.
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Maintain normal routines and behaviorial expectations as the injuries allow. For example, if the child is expected to pick up their toys, stay consistent with that structure. You may certainly have gentle leniency by helping with these tasks more than normal, especially if the injuries impact the child’s ability to complete normal tasks, but as a whole, keep healthy boundaries and expectations as normal as you can. Help the traumatized child to feel secure in the structure and routine that they see as normal.
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Teach new information. After a traumatic injury, the child’s view of the world has just changed. For my granddaughter, her overwhelming love of dogs and view of all dogs being her friend has just been challenged. She needs to learn new information — that some dogs will, of course, be her best friend, while other dogs need to be avoided. The doggie world is no longer clear for her, as she has to learn when to distinguish one situation from another. Of course, asking if every new doggie she sees will bite her is a natural part of this process. As she begins to learn more about dogs, learn more about her options, and build her own confidence again, hopefully, some of this fear will decrease.
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Provide a celebration of medical accomplishments! Let the child see themselves as “graduating” through the healing process with cheers, happiness, excitement, and new positive memories. Every day the child feels a little better, clap and cheer and encourage them for doing such a great job healing their booboos. Three cheers for “my booboo feels better!” Or…. on the first day to be allowed back in water, plan an extra fun tub party full of bubbles and party music. Or, for example, in our situation, while restricted from playing outdoors or in the sun, Mimi has been teaching “Zoo School” and talking about all kinds of animals. We are going to celebrate my granddaughter’s first day off “outdoor restrictions” by going to the Zoo for the very very first time. This positive new experience will help connect happy memories to what has been a difficult time.
What if the child was not emotionally supported after their injury?
Any child that is neglected or left alone on their own to sort out the “consequences” of being horrifically injured is going to have extra emotional scars layered on top of the physical injuries. The genuine, helpful role of a caregiver is so enormously crucial in minimizing the effect of the trauma. It’s typically not possible to 100% injuries to children, but it is possible, and obviously crucial, to minimize the impact of these traumatic experiences.
Personally, I am convinced that one of the main, underlying needs to split and dissociate into separated selves occurs when the child experiences a painful or severe trauma and does not have adequate or positive emotional comfort afterwards. For a young child to try to self soothe, understand the nature of their injuries, sort out their confusion and fears, and manage the pain on their own — that’s far far too much to put onto a child. The child is left with no option but to separate the incident from themselves, as there is no way to “assimilate it” and make sense of it on their own.
This means, that childhood neglect is as severe and damaging as childhood abuse, and maybe even more so.
Applying these Concepts about Comfort to Your DID System
Most DID survivors and their child parts did not get the proper comfort, the proper aftercare, the necessary support needed after they were hurt or injured.
However, many DID child parts are still connected to the time frame in which their injuries happened. It still feels like the time and date of the injury. It may be years later, but for inside kids, “Then” may still feel like “Now”. Or “Now” may still feel like “Then”. As bizarre as it seems, this time distortion allows for a very unique opportunity.
In that sense, when “Then” feels like “Now”, you get the opportunity to provide the comfort and compassion to your child parts who didn’t receive the kindness and care needed immediately after their injury. You can still give them so much of what they didn’t get “Then” by giving it to them NOW.
It is important to apply all these healing concepts to improve their own healing as individual insiders. And of course, their individual ability to heal from their wounds impact your overall system healing.
Dissoci-ACTION Questions:
- What can you do to help your little ones who feel like they were injured this week?
- How can you comfort them?
- What kindness and compassion can you show them?
- What questions can you answer to help them make sense of the trauma and to reduce any blame or shame they are putting upon themselves?
- Which of the healing tips concepts listed above can you apply for your internal kids?
Helping children experience healing is so very very rewarding….. Don’t be scared to go near your child parts. Find joy and purpose in helping them to feel better, to feel safer, to feel protected, to feel cared for.
I wish you ALL the very very best in your healing.
Warmly,
Kathy
Copyright © 2008-2020 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
Kathy,
This is information is GOLD! Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge and experience. The timing of this blog post is spot on for me as earlier today, my T and I were able to ‘sit’ near a child part that at this time is not responding to my comforting/consoling efforts. This little insider of mine is in past time, as if trauma just occurred. While being able to sit in the room with her without interference from other parts is a big step forward, I did not know what to do when she didn’t respond to comforts from me. This blog post has given me some really good ideas.
Gratefully,
Sarah D.
7/17/18
Dear Kathy,
Once again you have turned a personal journey (in this case one around your granddaughter’s trauma) into a healing lesson for us all. In doing so, you have taught us so much more than just the lesson of how to help a child who is hurting (including our child parts). You have led by example here in teaching us how the most horrible of tragedies can be turned into an important life lesson where compassion, mindful listening, honest dialogue and unconditional love brings about healing of the deepest kind. Your ever-selfless heart shines through over and over again here on the DD website Kathy for which I am deeply and sincerely grateful.
This article spoke such volumes to me and my little insiders. My initial splits took place from a series of hospitalizations when I was 31/2 years old. There was already serious attachment issues and some neglect (although not blatantly intentional). When I entered the hospital the first time, I was sure that it was because I was being punished for being sick and throwing up. Well, I was spanked and yelled at for that and my parents did not take kindly to my endless “complaining” as they saw it (but turns out I was sick!). Children in hospitals in the late 1950s were to be quiet and would see their parents only during a couple of visiting hours each day. No soothing. No explaining. No comforting. The thought was, “she is too young to remember any of this”.
I have some memories myself (as host personality) but much of the experience and the subsequent two hospitalizations are held by some of my insiders. Later that year (after I had turned 4 years old) I was subjected to repeated sexual abuse. My one abuser would come in every night and “play doctor” with me and the little medical kit he had bought for me.
I tell you all this because I was very confused at first with my DID diagnosis. At the time, the sexual abuse part of my history had not surfaced yet. What I was reading about DID did not seem to connect with my illnesses and hospitalizations. I know very clearly that three of my little ones were “born” during that time NOT the later sexual abuse (even though they handled that abuse). So, I know how important it is to address the physical illness trauma of children and for folks to understand that it can be the root cause of DID as well. I denied my DID diagnosis for a while because I felt that I could not be DID unless sexual abuse was involved. I now know that that is not the case.
I have worked with my T in helping my little ones understand what happened (illness and hospitalizations-wise). I have learned so much about how my child’s mind took in and interpreted what was happening – punishment for being sick, learning not to complain about pain, abandonment, gut wrenching fear, having a zipper installed so big people can take parts out whenever they want to (my appendix scar); don’t make a mess with bodily functions or big people (read daddy and nurses) will punish you, etc. And yes – children do remember.
WOW … just so much stirred up here Kathy. Thank you. It has helped me to see that I still have a lot of listening, understanding, soothing and loving to do with my little ones!
With sincere regard,
ME+WE
07/17/18
❤️🤗❤️🤗🐱
This is a great article. Thank you for sharing your experiences and wisdom. It helps me understand what healthy support and care looks like and helps me see and understand what my young parts lacked and truly needed during those periods when they were left alone to cope after trauma. And It definitely helps me understand what my role should be to those parts now.
I’m glad your grand-daughter is having a positive recovery experience from her trauma. I’m sure it’s a process, with ups and downs, but it sounds like she is loved and well supported!
I totally agree with you with your concepts of helping children through a difficult time. In reality with anybody that’s going through ra difficult time. You’d want to give them love, encouragement respect, understanding and a of pportunities to discuss their issues . I am very good at this with Friends, strangers, my family, And grandbabies. My difficulties are with comforting and giving support to my parts . The struggles that I come across is … When everyone is in a good place and does not need love or comforting; I can see that we are all separate and I accept that. When support is needed in a positive and loving way, I continue to tell myself that we are all one. I need to knock it off and grow up. The pasted is the past and I need to let things go. I think reality is that I’m probably feeling that I don’t deserve to be able to love my body my mind and my spirit.
Love my extra Letters. NOT
we just always got made fun of
if we got hurted
then left allone
we dont menbr eny time sombudy did be nice if we got hurt
allways we just got left allone
and no one come back to help
we did lern to take care of arselfs
becuse nobody els will help.
we do be lening this stuff now cuz this be how are talker lady tech us
her be nice if we get hurt
her be the only 1
so we be lerning from her how to help each other in side
Like give each other bandaids
and blue gives 💐 flowers 🌸
and we migt give each other a pese of candy or a 🍪 cookie
Kathy you granddoter be so very lucky her have pepol to help her
we be happy for her
Even today be a very hard day and tomrow probly gona be a relly bad day for us
so for friday we be trying to think of somthing fun and nice for us.
like mabey go to the water park to get are mind off are hurting harts.
and mabey get a cup cake. 🍰
Good read. Thank you for sharing this and your story(ies) with us.
We can get in such a funk that finding positive ways to interact with each other or out there in the Consensus World now gets difficult to do. Sometimes I want to say,”Yeah but Kathy, you don’t understand. We feel like crap and being positive or trying to find positive is not something we can do for ourselves or each other.” Sometimes we want you to say “Yep, it all sucks, major-big time, and all DID people have a pass on being negative and depressed. Y’all can just hide and everyone will understand.” Uh, or something like that.
But really, I do prefer your positive, uplifting messages because we have all the negative, beat ourselves up, down-in-the-dumps, never gonna get better, messages ingrained so deeply inside already. Being kind to ourself(ves) feels like we’re wearing Spanx that are 3 sizes too small and are suffocating, constricting, unusual. LOL
Personally, I am so very good at being unkind and neglectful to my self and others inside. It won’t be the work of my insiders to change this. This is all on me. I will start working on that. Oy.
I hope your granddaughter is doing much better. And I hope you get some awesome vacation time in with your family while you’re in country!
Reading this hurts a lot. Especially the parts about being given comfort and medical care when kids are hurt.
This is partly why we have such complicated feelings about doctors – we’re terrified of them, but also drawn by the idea that they care for people. It’s like we’re simultaneously fascinated and repulsed, and also sure that they will hurt us too. We often dream about being hurt and being left on the floor of a hospital while people walk over and around us as if we aren’t there. In those dreams we can’t move or speak and we are cold and frozen in terror and pain.
It also hurts because we have a child just a little younger than your granddaughter, and we try to do all these things for him. Though, thankfully, he hasn’t experienced major injuries or traumas, being a toddler is a hard job and there are so many opportunities each day to do each of these on a smaller scale. And it hurts so, so much to do that. Even as it feels important and soothing on some level to meet his emotional and physical needs for safety, it also feels like we are breaking inside.
I struggle with knowing how to provide any of this for my own parts. They are constantly experiencing what it is like to not have these needs met, as if they are being hurt now. I can see how that in some ways provides an opportunity… but, practically, I feel completely unequipped to help them. My efforts feel pathetic, and often makes them angry (or are ignored completely), and I know I’m doing a bad job.
It is timely to read this article now, because parts are in enormous pain this week. They feel as if they are experiencing trauma and abandonment now, and so they long for these things more than anything. I don’t feel like I can even touch the edge of how much they need with my attempts to help. I have this horrible fear that I am one of those people you write about sometimes who just don’t try hard enough, who say they want to get better but refuse to do anything about it. It feels like my fault because I know that I am supposed to meet their needs because now our body is grown up and so no one else will ever do it. And I’m failing.
HazelE,
Oh my goodness, you describe what I experience so well. “it feels like we are breaking inside…I feel completely unequipped…my efforts feel pathetic…parts are in enormous pain this week…I don’t feel like I can even touch the edge of how much they need…just don’t try hard enough…I’m failing”.
HazelE, I see you doing the best you can. I see that the negativity and “failure” messages might come from protector parts trying to keep the hurt and pain away from you and it worked for a long time. Now, you can see insiders in pain and can’t reach them, YET. Protectors are helpers and they can help you get to your little ones. As an adult, you DO have the ability to process what the young traumatized parts could not. You ARE capable to meet needs because you give it outwardly. It is not easy to apply it to insiders. Be gentle and kind to all of you. You are not alone, I have those messages often. They don’t have to stop you anymore. I believe you are taking healing strides by posting your struggles here.
Thank you so much for your bravery.
Sarah D.
7/21/18
Sarah, thank you – I really appreciate your words. I’ve come back to them a few times in the last couple of days while I continue to think about this post. It stirred up a sense of longing that is difficult to tolerate.
I like that you mentioned protector parts because that is what my therapist would say too. Your comment made me remember that some (little) things have changed – I suppose at least I can see them in pain, like you said. Even if I’m not able to help them enough yet.
HazelE
7/23/18
Hi All,
Well, Kathy’s article really stirred up a lot of stuff for us. That is a good thing … a very good thing. We learn so much about our healing process from the inner turmoil that we feel when something that we read speaks so deeply, personally and poignantly to us. Lets face it NONE of us had such a compassionate person in our lives as Kathy – well at least not one who could change the traumas that we experienced. And, that was a BIG part of our trauma – lack of affection, our needs being heard and met, genuine-unconditional love, kindness, and just plain healing loving cuddles. It was not safe, nurturing and compassionate where we came from.
But, we have a chance to make a real difference in our lives in the here and now. We are in control, no matter how out of control we may feel. We have an opportunity to bring that level of genuine love, compassion and caring to our inside folks (and, ultimately ourselves).
Will we be good at this right off the top? NO! We have not experienced this kind of caring to know what it feels like let alone how to do it. And, quite frankly, it feels a bit scary. In part because it is what we have so longed for all of our lives and not received we cannot trust that we are deserving of such love now – not even from ourselves. And maybe we cannot even trust ourselves to give ourselves the kind of love that we deserve – what we have ALWAYS deserved.
But dear friends, if we are going to heal, we have to start by healing our relationship with ourselves. That means treating our insiders with the kind of unconditional love, caring and respect that they deserve – even the more “troublesome ones”. Let’s face it, all of our insiders were created out of pain. They all have booboos that need to be seen, heard, soothed and healed.
Okay, so Kathy has given us the blueprint for our own healing. It will not be easy and we will make mistakes but we can do this. Maybe we can start with the insiders that we already have a good relationship with and try out some of the ideas that Kathy suggests with them. Get our grounding and some practice under our belts before we try to work with some of our other, less accessible inside folks. This is not a race … it is a journey. Take your time to really explore with an open heart and mind what that journey presents to you.
With humble regard, your friend,
ME+WE
07/17/18
Hi me+we,
Thank you for this post. We (the “grown-ups”) really needed to hear this today. We have been trying some of these caring and nurturing steps with our little ones who already have some trust in us, and hoping that the little ones, and even some of our tweens and teens, will see/believe that they can also trust us to help them with their trauma. One step, one moment at a time.
MyCircleOfLife
Hi MyCircleOfLife,
I am always so happy to hear that anything that I write here helps others. ☺
It really sounds like you are making good inroads in building trust and communication with your inside folks. I have found that it takes an enormous amount of time, energy and patience … and then when I think that I have really made some headway with them … something will happen and I feel like I am starting all over again. That’s where the patience comes in … hahaha. But little by little my inside folks are listening, feeling and responding more and more. Solid relationships of any kind are not built over night. They take time, listening, compassionate understanding and a willingness to get to know the other person. Well, it really is no different for us getting to know our inside folks. Building that level of trust with insiders who were born out of violent abuse and neglect takes time. I tend to look upon them as I would a scared and wounded animal. You cannot just rush in. You have to build trust through soothing talk, a willingness to stay present (even when they push you away or run away) and unconditional love and compassion.
ME+WE
07/31/18
We started being nice to each other because of your posts, and now months later someone hurting very badly has finally felt safe enough to join us. Thank you for another helpful post, we will put this one to good use too.
Thank you for this article. I see a number of ways that this applies to where I am at. I know that I struggle with trying to learn how one situation can be different from another…..they all (as well as many people) come across to me as “warning! warning!” I never had any children, so I have little concept as to what should have been done – besides the fact that much of my suspected trauma is still blocked off. This article is much like me trying to learn a foreign language – I can see it is going to take time.
Even reading how Kathy responded to her granddaughter was almost scary for me – it just about makes my brain hurt – more than I can figure out how to comprehend – don’t even know how to handle accepting care like that – much less step into it to give my own parts. Will have to keep processing…….
Hi MissyMing,
Thanks for your comment — it’s good to hear that this article has given you something to think about. I’m glad you are processing it, and I really do hope that you keep thinking about these things… Because oh my goodness, MissyMing, I feel so sad to hear that these concepts about helping a hurting child feel so foreign to you and your parts. Oh dear, y’all really have been neglected, and left so very alone with your pain. That wasn’t okay!
Please be gentle with yourself — if this is new information, then it’s super good that you are here. I’m very very pleased to be able to encourage you to learn about helping yourself and your insiders with your pain. All of you deserve comfort, respect, and kindness, and I hope you can find ways to start practicing these skills and apply them with each other.
Keep reading — it’s good that you are learning!
Sending lots n lots of warm gentle waves your way….
Kathy
KB! So grateful for your Grandgirl’s progress!!! This is such a fantastic post. Our inner worlds DEPEND on this kind of gentle kindness. Thanks for your Monday-morning wisdoms.
it funny how you say let the child tell the event over and over as even the counselors we saw thought it should be “one and done” but it was important cause there is always a piece left out that another part has or is even too hard to say and by telling over and over slowly it all comes out.
we told a counselor once that mpd (did) is about making an event unreal with other people. maybe its also you are alone after the abuse its a way to have company. we are never lonely there is always a group of us around. we use to play ball and said “too many people on the field”
Hi X,
Thanks for your comment. Such good insight you are offering.
Yes, yes, yes, the need to tell over and over and over, and to talk about it over and over and over was definitely there. This event changed her world view (it was the first time she was ever truly injured), so of course there would be lots to say. AND… there was no reason to not let her talk about it. She had questions, and she would remember bits and pieces at different times or when something happened that reminded her of this piece, or that piece. She also began recognizing other people who had booboo’s and that began building empathy and compassion in her re: the pain others feel. And she had a little more awareness of her own body too. These are big learning experiences for children….. and it all is worthy of being talked about!
Telling children to keep secrets and not allowing them to process their trauma and making them sit alone with such extreme pain and fear is beyond cruel and seriously adds to the depth of the injury.
You’ve made a really interesting point, X. Splitting apart and talking with each other on the inside is very much a way to have company. I know some DID folks who have also spoken about that very need — to have SOMEONE there to help with the loneliness and isolation, even if it’s someone from an internal place. Such a creative way to meet a very real need….
I’m glad your people have found their voice, and are talking as they need to… Y’all are welcome to speak out here whenever you want!
Sending friendly waves your way…
Warmly,
Kathy
So much to help is the inner parts come to peace. How about something is written how to take care of the host. How do we help her through all the difficult stuff that comes up? How do we get her to get out of bed when it is a bad day or a week How about something written for her the host .Ways to deal with the terms of everything that’s gone on in her own body and mind . When she hears that another Part of her on mind Who’s Terrorizing another part
Hi Mr D,
Thank you for your comment, and welcome to Discussing Dissociation.
That is a very good question, and I think it definitely warrants it’s own post. I’ll start writing my thoughts about that, and hopefully I’ll get that posted sooner than later. Thanks for the question!
Warmly,
Kathy
Thank you for this. As a mom of 5, i can show this type of treatment to my outside children, but the internal children im very harsh with. I will try to be kinder with them.
How can you help a child who needs to communicate something but doesn’t know what it is? I don’t know either, and I don’t know how to help and sometimes it makes me feel crazy.
This part needs to share something and knows that it is there but there are no words or images connected to it. She can feel it in her body, but that only makes it worse because there are still no words for that either. So she feels like she is holding something – something big, something unbearably heavy – and she wants help and she has no way to get to it. It’s lonely and scary and she’s afraid it will live inside of her forever because there is no way to name it or share it or ask for help. She feels frantic because she doesn’t know how to tolerate something that she can feel but not describe.
She is sure that the answer will be some version of putting her off, because no one knows what to do with something that can’t be seen or heard. She can’t bear it anymore and she doesn’t know what to do and we don’t know what to do either.
Hi HelenE,
Well, that is truly a difficult one. When my very first insider came out to my T, she kept trying to express herself but all she did was struggle in the chair. My T kept asking her to tell me what was going on. She kept saying that she was trying to but I was not listening to her. That really confused and angered me because I was trying to listen but she was not saying anything.
Eventually, while meditating one morning and talking to her, I started to get a lot of pain and other body sensations all over my body. Then I realized that she was trying to tell me her story all along. She did not have words for what happened. What little child does have a vocabulary to describe the horrors that they went through. Those kinds of words and understanding just do not exist for little ones. But, she was trying to tell me with her body feelings. As I started to listen to the body memories, flashes of memory came back about what made those body feelings in the first place. The adult me understood what those images meant while she did not. And so I could finally ‘hear’ what she was saying.
This took a long time to sort out – a little bit at a time. She also did some drawings and my T had a stuffed dog that she used to show us what happened. Just as you would with a child who was abused, you can use drawings, stuffed animals, anatomically correct dolls, etc. to help you little ones tell you their stories how they understand them. You have to try and get into a child’s mind and how they interpret things to understand how your little ones are expressing themselves sometimes.
With time and more information, you can start to give them the words that they need to describe what happened (within a certain limited scope). So, in my case, the little ones were told that the snakes are actually not snakes but parts of a boy/man’s body called a penis. Took a whole lot of time to get that through. Actually not totally understood yet but the frantic need to tell me their stories has lessoned as they have come to feel heard and understood. Now, they (other little ones appeared over time) had to go over and over and over the same stuff. And, just when I thought that we all understood, another wrinkle would be added.
So, just be patient and let your insiders tell you what they need to tell you in their own time and their own way. Look for the clues, assume nothing, think like a child would think and just provide your insiders with an open, loving space to express what they need to tell you in whatever way that they can.
You have a lot of information already HazelE. Let it marinade and see what comes out.
ME+WE
07/25/18
Yeah.
What you wrote made me realize that she probably is trying to process that stuff. Things she doesn’t have words for, things held in her body. My therapist also said that the urgency is maybe a feeling memory and not necessarily telling me anything about right now. So we’re trying to remember that tonight though it is very hard.
Being patient feels torturous when her need to communicate this is so enormous, and the rest of us have such a limited ability to hear it (some of us can’t tolerate any it if at all). It feels as if there will never be a way to learn more… I hope that you’re right, when you say I have a lot of information and more may come with time.
We were terrified of snakes as a kid, and had constant nightmares about them… they were always the same, about snakes coming to get me from my room.
I’m sorry that happened to you, but I really admire the patience and curiosity it took to listen and figure out what your parts were trying to tell you. I hope I can get there someday, but right now if feels like we’re just drowning in something that I don’t even understand.
Thank you for writing – it is kind of you to listen. It helps, so thank you.
Hi HazelE,
First of all, my apology for wrongly addressing my last message to you as HelenE. Some times I do not know where my brain comes up with my spellings. I have dyslexia so my brain thinks that if the first and last letters are right and a few in between, then that is all that is needed. Wow … I was way off this time, I am sorry about that.
Now, I must assure you that I have had a LOT of frustrating days, weeks, months … trying to hear and listen to my inside folks and sort out what the heck they are trying to tell me or do for me or process for me or … sometimes I just think that they enjoy jerking me around!!! So patience is something that I have been working on for a long time. Mediation has helped me a lot in that regard. But, I still struggle with patience and compassion and understanding with my insiders. However, I know that the more that I struggle, the tighter the knots become and I do not get anywhere in unraveling them. So, the task is to relax, be patient and let the knots loosen on their own in their own time.
I continually remind myself that my insiders have been with me for some 60 years doing things the way that they feel is best. And, that was a lot of silence for most of those years (well, at least silence with regard to my knowing about them). So, I cannot expect a quick fix here. There is a lot to sort out.
Be gentle and kind with yourself HazelE. You are doing great work from what I read here. Give yourself a pat on the back for what you have already accomplished and for your willingness to do the hard work of sorting your system out. I really understand how overwhelming it feels. But, hang in there. You will get there some day. And, we are all here to help and support you along your way.
Your friend,
ME+WE
07/28/18
Dear Kathy, thank you very much for this list!!! It is very, very helpful! I remember, that i hided in the forest, when i was hurt or sick as a child…it was somehow more safe to be on my own. My mom would always say that “it is a million times worse for her if i was hurt” & i had to care for her, after i was hurt…of course i can understand that it is stressful, if someone you love gets hurt…but she was the one that hurt me?!…very confusing thoughts!
The list gives me lots of ideas how to care for my inside kids, who never got any help…(which is much needed, but i still struggle with that) and its also very helpful as mom of a 18 month old son. Sometimes i get very unconfident when he is sick or hurt, as i don’t have memories of anything helpful that i experienced in such situations… basically, i don’t know how it feels, if someone cares for you… I would like to make him feel well immeadiately and it is very difficult for me to accept that i can’t. Of course i stay with him and take him to the doctor, if needed…but we still have to wait patiently until the body gets better. Your list somehow reassures me, that i actually DO a lot of things to help him… i worked on this topic with my therapist, as my son needed surgery when he was one year old (malformation of the thumb). I planed everything as good as possible, i stayed with him during the whole time in hospital, bought him some new books and toys (he loved the new swing inside the house) and did not work during his recovery. He needed a cast, which was very limiting during play and he was not allowed to crawl (usually he is a very active boy). Sometimes he got really frustrated and hit his cast with the other hand or against the table. He did not understand why i did not take it away or why it hurts! I tried to find words for his feelings, like “i see its frustrating for you” or just hold and cuddle or distract him with a toy or book. But how can you explain it to a one year old? And how can you deal with such young insiders? How can you explain if they don’t understand the words and can’t talk about their feelings? do you have any ideas?!
Hi Ella,
I used to escape to the woods in our back yard and later (when I had a bike) a big park with an extensive forest. The trees were my friends. There is one big old oak tree in my mother’s back yard that I hug when I visit.
A number of my little ones do not have the vocabulary to describe what happened to them and how they hurt. I “listen” to my body sensations (memories) – that has told a lot of their story to me. They have also shown me in flashbacks so I can piece together what happened and what they do not have the words to describe. I have made a safe place for them to go to when things are not safe. I also just spend time with them, hold them, cuddle them, tickle them, kiss them, talking in soothing tones to them, let them talk or cry or whatever they need to do. Often I play with them too. I just respond to what they seem to need in the moment. Right now my one little one is worried because we are away from our T. She (my T) suggested that she use her imagination and to pretend that she is there with her. So, my little one decided that a tea party on the beach would be perfect. We have had a couple already and that seems to sooth her worries.
Bottom line, you cannot explain with words to a one year old. You explain with actions that comfort, sooth, nurture, love, provide appropriate care, etc.
I hope that this helps!
ME+WE
07/31/18
sum tims ther dont be ene thin u can do for a kid thas hert
Kathy this list of helping children thru trauma is absolutely invaluable to those of us who truly have no clue! It’s one of the most important things I’ve ever read. Thank You for sharing what you went thru & thereby teaching us here at DD ‘what on earth’ to do with traumatized inside littles. WoW a Great List of helpful info!
And the feedback in this particular blog shows such maturity in those trying so hard to heal. I’ve had one of my worst weekends ever but just a few weeks ago I determined with all my might to take all steps necessary for healing. No more denial. No more wishing for someone else to fix me, or a pill, or my Therapist, or a higher power, no more waiting on outside to fix me. “I” can fix me!!! “I” am the one that see’s inside. It’s “My” world & “My” history. “I” am the professional on “My” self. No one but “Me” knows exactly what is needed inside. And we have the Best Help Available in the World right now thru This Blog & Kathy’s 30 years of expertise. So We have decided that if it is earthly possible to Heal then We are going to Heal. I have committed to my team inside to do the healing work because Healing IS Possible. Kathy has seen it & has promised that it’s true! I’m going for it.
So I want to share about my crummy, rotten, very bad weekend. Inside heard my commitment but this weekend I was really tested on my word. Just like an outside child will push the rules, my inside children were hurting tremendously & pushed me to the wall about keeping my healthy promises. I gutted it out with them. We had a weekend of overwhelming body memories, pain & sickness. And a Wall that wouldn’t let me know what was happening. But just as someone mentioned, they “were” telling me their story the only way they knew how – with their feelings. Also by keeping my word even when it was so so hard to do, by Sunday evening I was allowed to push some comfort thru the Wall. And it truly worked. We are calming down now on both sides of that wall. With Kathy’s list of how to comfort children thru & after trauma, I’m able to send comfort thru that wall as well as to comfort the selves of me who have worked so very hard this weekend to keep our promises. So many in my system are just young ones that have never known comfort. We can do it. I’m very encouraged! I know intimately what I need & I can provide it like no one else. They need ‘Me’ & I need ‘them’. And we are here for each other, especially when times are so hard. Do I want my Therapist? Oh yes I do. But no one, even my T knows & Loves me like me.
Thanks Kathy for this awesome place to come & learn & heal & share. We all need each other here.
Hi The Calendar Crew,
Thank you for sharing. Your honest and insightful postings are certainly something that is encouraging and helpful to me. You also pointed me back to articles that I needed to reread myself. Very inspiring all around!
ME+WE
07/31/18
Me + We, Thank You So Much. It was a hard weekend wasn’t it. I’m so glad something I said was helpful for you. We’re in this together & there is SO much to read! I’m very Glad about that. We wish you well.
The Calendar Crew
Sigh….I am STILL at “square one” with this….I still battle a LOT of “this DOESN’T make sense”….I still feel really disconnected from the little ones – although I did find a little “Babe” toy for one little girl part and a wooden cat Christmas tree ornament for a little boy who still REALLY misses our cat, Mr Murphy, who died almost a year ago…(fuzzy, stuffed toys are TOO “sissy” for him – he likes the wooden ornament) ….but that seems to be as far as I can get with any of them…….
I was afraid to ever physically have ANY kids (besides the fact that I feel like an “It” anyway)….I was afraid because of a weird, intense, gut-level fear that I would “turn into Daddy” on them….the idea of being around a kid for more than a few minutes was almost paralyzing for me – so I would “disconnect” from them so I would look “normal”…..There was fear that came from waves that seemed to connect to feelings of intense confusion, betrayal, abandonment and danger…..all of it totally illogical to my brain….so I am probably twisting things and making things up….just confusion, confusion, confusion….nothing “making any real sense”…..except the “danger” part DOES makes SOME sense – because he was an angry man….but I don’t know why the sense of “betrayal and abandonment” feels specific….specific to “what”?…..I don’t know……
Maybe that is why I am having such a hard time “connecting” to my Inside kids….I am afraid to be around them….afraid of the stories they carry….afraid of seeing what I COULD have been if I had ever had any ….afraid that I might find out I “am my father’s daughter” more than I know – which scares me more than I can put into words…..but then I don’t know what THAT means either – why does it scare me so bad…..
Maybe things WEREN’T so bad – and my child’s brain just turned a molehill into Mt. Everest…..you know – like some little kids are scared of somebody dressed like Santa Claus and won’t sit on his lap – no danger there – the kid’s perception, for some reason, is just too intense…maybe MY perception to everything in my childhood was just “too intense”….and things WEREN’T bad…..
I don’t know – I am lost and confused….my Inside head hurts……
MissyMing
01/20/19
MissyMing,
I am in awe, always, about how honest you are. You can describe some very painful feelings and I can relate so well. Sometimes I want to respond to you and feel inadequate in what to say. It feels just like, “oh, wow, she says such deep things that I wish I could communicate how i can relate and cant.”
You do make sense. To me and, I am sure, so many others. In the confusion is a knowledge, a deeper understanding that maybe we cant find fitting for but we know is the truth.
Maybe you have doubts about how you feel being accepted by outside others.
I know this is true for me. I know I say I dont understand and I am confused a lot, but I think I have some very deep knowing that I wish outside people would accept me for and say out loud for me. Tell me its okay for me to be real and they see me and love me.
If I tell them, would they hurt me for saying my truth? I may be truly confused but I also know that, in part, I know something I am afraid of stating out-right. I could get very hurt for doing so. Sounds like your father was a master at hurting you for being real. I can understand that completely. My sf attacked everything human in me. I stay confused so I can at least think about my truth without commitment. “Maybe I am wrong. Maybe Im not worth anything at all.” Staying confused and thinking that way means at least that way I cant get hurt. It’s a defense. A good one. One that works very well.
But I can also understand the longing to be seen and heard for the underlying truth. You write so well the struggle. I see your struggle and the truth about your deeper selves. We wont take advantage of that vulnerability and we thank you for your bravery to step out and tell us how your insides feel.
Sounds very okay and understandable to me for you to want and need to be seen for your authentic selves.
I so love that you got a wooden tree ornament for your little boy. That makes me smile. He deserves safety and love. Just like everyone in yous does.
Wow, KenKen….that one hit me big time….”confusion is a defense”…it allows me to “think about my truth without commitment”…….THAT is going to take a while to “digest”……but I know it is important…I can sense some “realignment” going on…..Into what? I don’t know….but we shall see…..we shall see…..
Thank you!
MissyMing
01/22/19
KenKen – your statements about confusion being a way to “think about truth without commitment” has REALLY been working on me Inside…..I felt a huge, “good” shift last night while at work and am seeing that I am entering a new level of territory in working on all of this…..My sister also has been battling HUGE amounts of confusion coupled with a lot of panic….she is too afraid to come to this website – but I have been sharing so many bits and pieces (as much as she can handle) of what all of you comment and of the articles I have read….Our big discussion by phone yesterday was about confusion – and I got to share your insight…..it is definitely giving her something to “think” about……
I told her that, as you said, confusion is also a “defense” against seeing….that she should maybe work – as best as she can – on stepping back out of the middle of the “feeling of it” and “look” at it – because she will catch glimpses here and there of the “truth” that is hidden behind it…the “good” kind of confusion – from Protectors helping us – will allow her to see “truth” in glimpses that she will be able to handle and process in the “background” (i.e – “think about truth without commitment) – and gradually more pieces of the puzzle will come together……
I am now finding that as horrible as “confusion” (even the “good” kind) can feel – it is actually a “helper” as long as you “work with it” (understand what is happening) and can learn to step back and “see” the tiny glimpses of “truth” that flash by…… “confusion” would often REALLY scare me and I would try to “fight” against it – often miserably failing….I am now seeing a whole different angle of it…..
There are probably types of confusion that would require a different tactic…but I am learning about THIS one…and it is a HUGE forward step for me….instead of “fighting” parts – I need to work “with them” – first to “know” them well enough to “understand” WHAT it is they are doing….and then later the “WHY” will come….What has been commented and said in articles here so much is finally beginning to “click” more (I can be a bit “thick-headed” sometimes!)…..
Hopefully I haven’t messed anybody up with all this…but I am finding less “fear” about what is going on Inside….Maybe something I have said will help it to “click” for somebody else….but then maybe everyone else already knows it and walks in it….and I am just a bit behind! : ) …….
My thanks to EVERYONE who has taken the time to respond in ANY way to all of my rambling “overdrive” outpourings…your input has been invaluable ….all of the processing was simply preparation for this moment of “transition”…..
MissyMing
01/23/19
YAY!!! We are so happy yous readjusting your understanding and feelings about you and your system. That is awesome to hear yous doing such good work! Also very glad to hear you discuss with your sister what you are finding here. I hope through you talking with her she finds some peace and strength and kindness. You both have had too much pain in your lives.
MissyMing, a lot of what you describe is how I feel a lot of the time. Especially about feeling like you’re making it up and things weren’t so bad. Also about feeling like you’re at the beginning with all of this. I’ve been doing this for 10 years and I can only take the tiniest steps toward helping them.
I think ME+WE had a good point about giving yourself a break – you’re already doing the work, and sometimes it helps to step back for a few days and rest.
Hi HazelE,
Wish I had a dollar for every time I said to myself “stop being such a drama queen making up these stories to get attention” or “you know you cannot cry because it is all a lie you keep telling everyone” and my perennial favourite, “it couldn’t have been that bad or you would have told someone.” I do not need others to doubt me because I am a master at doing that for myself. Actually, I feel like my T and hubby believe me more than I do. It is hard to build a relationship with my inside folks when I am continually flirting with the game of denial so I do not have to believe what they tell me for risk of finally feeling. Oh the dissociative walls surrounding the labyrinths of truth. Even when we dismantle the walls or are able to finally peer over them, the truth is still a journey of tiny steps to the core of self.
ME+WE
01/26/19
MissyMing, your lived experience can be true and you can be a safe person to be around. You are around kids and have been for years, right? If you’ve never acted in an unsafe way to them, then you are safe to be around—for real. We thought we weren’t safe to be around. T showed us our safe history and normalized our scared thoughts. It helped 1/24/19
Thank you T.Clark for reminding me – I can take a deep breath….just me processing all the swirl of stuff Inside….Sometimes I have to get it all Out in order to “see” what I am looking at….and many times it is NOT a pretty picture or anything that makes sense on the Outside….thank you for your encouragement….
MissyMing
01/25/19
Wise words as usual T.Clark. But this message is more of a hello, so happy to hear your voice. I have been wondering how things were going for you. Nice to see you here with your laser vision that always seems to go right to the core of the issue at hand.
ME+WE
01/26/19
Me +We
I like that term
“Nice to see you here with your laser vision that always seems to go right to the core of the issue at hand.”
Can I use it ?
Absolutely okay Sissy. Use as you please!
ME+WE
01/27/19
Hi MissyMing,
“I am lost and confused….my Inside head hurts……”
So, I am thinking that maybe you need a little time out. You know, sometimes we work so much and try so hard we just get overloaded and that ends up not helping. I can see you doing so much thinking and sorting and trying to figure things out and … wow … just a whole lot of hard, hard work. Maybe this is the time to just step back from it all and give everyone (inside and out) a rest. Remember that this is a journey of a many little steps. Shut the rabbit down for a while and try and be the turtle right now.
Oh, and I understand about not having kids. My motivations were different but the fear is shared. I wonder if I had found out about my DID and worked through it back then if things would have been different. But, we cannot turn back time, we can just live forward. Now, I am wondering if you could sit with yourself and imagine how you would have liked to have been loved, cared for, cuddled and nurtured as a child. Not what was but your fantasy of what you wished it could have been. Then, give yourself the opportunity to live out that fantasy with your little ones. Offer them all of the love, nurturing and safe, secure attachment that you wished you had had. You could all heal in the process.
ME+WE
01/21/19
Ahhhh, Me+We…..I guess we were too much “on a roll”…Maybe I went into a “not good” direction….Rats!! Here comes confusion……Sorry …..was working on processing and understanding so i could MAYBE know what to do about my work situation….how to “feel” and “act” and “look” normal….maybe the “Why” I am would shift into the “How” to be – if that makes sense….so I could be not so “defective”……Soooooo many puzzle pieces hanging in mid-air…..we know they are somehow connected….we just don’t know how yet…..Objective just steps in when things are bubbling like crazy….sorting stuff, looking at stuff…..one day we will find the lid to that puzzle box and we will know the picture……
Sorry that we took up so much space….didn’t mean to make anybody feel shut out…..we get slammed so much with Outside situations….if there is a lot of bubbling going on and a chance for processing…..Objective runs with it as far as he can…….
I am afraid I am NOWHERE’S near the realm of a fantasy of a childhood of being “cuddled and nurtured”……the idea of it makes me want to run….best way I can put it…..Obviously a direction that needs to be worked on……just have no clue how to even WANT that…what do you do with “background hysteria”…..such is for another day…….
Thanks for your help, Me+We, and for watching out for me…..Again….sorry if I turned into a “blog hog”…it wasn’t intentional……
MissyMing
01/22/19
Jessie is so upset she thinks our t is part of the circle now. I don’t know how to help her see this is not true. She is just a therapist. A therapist that wants things to slow down so these mean guy don’t keeping hurt the body,
When B the t said to Jessie we will not talk about the secret anymore. She went right back in time . She not seeing this is 2019. I can’t help but think a program word was used unknowingly. I’m also thinking that she feeling abandoned by B our t . I really need to figure out how to help help her it created a fire storm inside . The body also head is pounding with a migraine. Medicine not helping.
Oooops, KenKen….forgot to say….Yes – I do wish Outsiders would say that they accepted me and it was OK for me to be “real”……that’s why I have such a hard time with rhetorical “How are you?” questions…..everything in me wants to be “heard” and “understood” and
to be “accepted”…..but I know that life doesn’t go that way…..
Learned that the hard way ….. my outspoken “Objective” modes are just not quite understood by Outsiders….How do you back-peddle out of what just popped out of your mouth……sigh……Had to go back and re-read…..couldn’t figure that you were talking about “me”…….whatever bubbles out – hope it helps someone….thanks for your encouragement……
MissyMing
01/22/19
Me+We…just letting you know….there has been a LOT of Internal shifting going on since we did all the outpourings….but, I still couldn’t even consider your last paragraph….couldn’t even finish reading it…too afraid of it….have no idea how to “feel” it – much less do it…..
But on the way to my T’s session I suddenly sang a tune that sounded like a “lullaby”…..couldn’t figure it out – so, I looked Inside and saw a part (not real sure who she is) in a rocking chair – gently rocking and singing as she held a bundled up baby in her arms….the baby was sound asleep….it totally threw me – I couldn’t believe it….I looked again and she was still in the chair – rocking and singing – this time holding a little, blond, curly haired toddler girl….the toddler was totally zonked out sleeping – her arm and her leg hanging down…..
There was a LOT of processing in my session…..and for the first time I actually “felt” tears….not the ones that come automatically with intense anger – or for animals….but ones I still don’t know what to do with……I actually out loud read your whole last paragraph to T (although with some struggle – but I did it)…..she was amazed that I was able to even SAY those words…..I usually can’t at all – have always been afraid of them…actually “feeling” them is beyond my ability to grasp……
My T reminded me that the “part” in the rocking chair is actually a part of “me”…..that is more than I know how to deal with right now…..so for now, I am just letting that “part” do her thing in the background….I don’t know what to do with her – am still rather afraid of her – but for now, I am actually “aware” that she is there – doing her thing…..I was also in awe of those kids “sleeping” like that – wish I knew what that “felt” like….sleep is very hard for me….neither can I grasp the sense of “peace” and “safety” that let them even do that…..
I am not THERE yet – but closer than I have EVER been…….Just wanted you to know……
MissyMing
01/24/19
Oh my MissyMing but you have been doing a lot of wonderful work with your system. I know that it has been very painful and disorienting and a whole lot of hard work but reading this message from you just makes my heart sing. To my read, this is a HUGE breakthrough moment and signals some really important changes happening for you. Thank you for sharing your process with us. I know for you it feels like venting but for us it feels like sharing and teaching us all.
☺ <3
ME+WE
01/26/19
Hello HazelE……Thank you for your support….I am trying to step back and rest…..when things bubble up and swirl in my face – it is hard to figure out how to get it all pushed back down without causing Internal havoc…..I am kind of in the same “year” range as you….plus I was “working” on stuff before I even knew I was working on “stuff”….
I had, off and on, gone to a number of other counselors through the years – usually after weirdly bottoming out or “watching myself” or especially feeling like I was about to “explode” Inside….(of course – all THAT was too weird for me to share with them)…..They all went in directions that didn’t seem to “fit” for me – but I had NO idea what it was I needed – they were usually more in the realm of Marriage and Relationship counseling – one was even EMDR which went WAY WEIRD for me and I never went back…..
My spouse and I went to my current counselor for “marriage problems” – after the first session, I couldn’t understand why she suddenly zeroed in on ONLY me and “forgot” about him – frustrating to say the least (of course, I thought most of the problems were from HIM…!) She was also trained in “childhood trauma” – I didn’t realize I even HAD any…..
It has been a number of years now…..finding this website has given me a sense of “validation” I had not been able to feel even with my T explaining behaviors to me…I knew she KNEW what she was seeing and doing…..”I” just couldn’t see how the “reasons” fit me even though I knew there was a volcano of Rage inside concerning Daddy….There was massive denial because I couldn’t see “why” it was there…..
Sooooo, the initial years have been extremely slow….but the last couple years, “pieces” that I saw YEARS ago and didn’t know what to do with are now making sense…..Guess that is why I am here so much….it is the only place I can feel and be “real” other than my T’s office – which NEVER feels like it was enough time there…..
Thanks again, HazelE…..I am trying….
MissyMing
01/25/19
Kathy, This article was incredibly AWESOME! I only read half of the responses. I’m pretty overwhelmed and want to come back to write. But just for now I want to express how hurt I feel, tight chested and full of pain for myself, for my littles, for all my parts, because reading this article was so painful for my wounded parts. Reading about everything they didn’t get. I’m just about half numb with sadness. Unfortunately tears are not flowing. Just feeling pressure and numbness. I feel child parts wishing they had someone like you. I feel child Parts jealous of your grandchild for having someone like you. I’m feeling those feelings from these wounded parts, you know, because my adult feels very happy for your granddaughter and for you.
Most of my life I wondered how people could be so selfish and cruel to feel jealous. But I’m getting in touch with child parts within the last 2 years. I now know that this jealousy comes from wounded child parts. These parts started feeling jealous sometimes. So now I understand how people can feel jealous.
I dissociated as I went along. I remember in the beginning thinking I need to print this article, and I will do this tomorrow. For now I want to thank everybody for sharing. There’s a lot of good stuff in this thread. And I’m going to go now cuz my brainpower is not very good. I hope when I come back I can I express myself better. Thank you Kathy. You are so very awesome. And all of the rest of you, are too.
I was just reading at the top Me+We’s story of her life…..maybe that is partly what I am working on as well…..My twin sister and I were born in the mid 50’s – so I understand well what Me+We is saying about having little contact in those days…..Our mother was bedridden for a good while because she almost lost us during the pregnancy….Not even the doctor knew that there were two of us until we were born 6 weeks early at about 3 lbs apiece….we were given a 50-50 chance to live….Ma saw us drop down to under 2 lbs. and got too scared to look anymore……
My sister and I shared the same incubator for 6 weeks as we had to go through all kinds of radiation treatments for the birthmarks that were over our bodies….Ma didn’t get to touch us until we went home and then she was very scared to because some of the birthmark areas had not closed up yet and she was afraid she would hurt us… They gave her almost no training on how to handle us……
We did survive….Me+We mentioned she was already dealing with “serious attachment issues”…..maybe we have that, too – along with the other stuff,,,,maybe that is why “Main Her” was a mist…no substance to her when I first saw her…. maybe that is one reason why we don’t know how to “feel” safe…….
We gotta research how to fix “attachment” issues…..how messed up is that???? The one who was able to care about us was scared of us (actually….scared of hurting us) …..and then there was the one who was always angry and we were afraid of….and then there was other stuff…..
No wonder we don’t know how to “feel” safety…..or maybe I have this all wrong…..I don’t know……
Just wondering…..I AM trying to “rest”…….
MissyMing
01/28/19
Hi MissyMing,
Not sure how I missed this posting from you but I did … hence my late reply here. Absolutely bang on with the serious attachment issues here. At the point at which you should have been building attachment bonds with your mother, you were abandoned (although it needed to be) in a cold, sterile incubator. Thank heavens you had your sister with you. As a back note, my now 41 year old niece was born two and a half months premature and spent the first 10 months of her life in the hospital so I have seen the consequences of early hospitalizations and attachment. The first few weeks of life are extremely important in forming the heart bond with mother. It also fosters our sense of safety, security and stability. Your beginning was so rough in so many ways MissyMing. You would not have had any of these essential bonding moments.
I dare say that the hospital staff gave you little hope for survival and who would want to attach with a little one who was going to die. So, it is not likely that there was any support/attachment offered there. You must have felt that energy unspoken even though you were a baby. Then, when you did get home, there was a rejection of another kind. I understand your mother’s fears but the impact on you and your sister must have been significant.
From what I understand, when children experience trauma, the strength of their attachment with a significant other as well as the level of comfort, safety and security that they offer, can make a huge difference in how the child
what has happened to them. If, like me, you had limited attachment to mother and she was not there to comfort you after your trauma, then you were left on your own to make sense of it and survive. It was our child’s creative mind that came up with splitting because no other alternative was offered to us. In other words, there was no safe place or safe someone to help us process the trauma. We were on our own!
Oh, and so interesting about the sleep. I have “big sleeps” when I am processing stuff. My little ones ask for it or they simply put me to sleep. This is in stark contrast to when they are too afraid to go to sleep and keep me up all night. It is an all or nothing kind of deal with them!
Thank you for sharing dear friend. You are doing amazing work here!
ME+WE
01/04/19
Yeah…Me+We…must have been doing some processing during it….had a bad nightmare during the first one and saw an Inside Part that has terrified me….didn’t see it this time as “separate” from me….I “felt” it….scary to say the least……
All I can say is, I am getting there….Thanks for all your encouragement……
MissyMing
02/05/19
MissyMing to Me+We….Can’t remember where I mentioned my trouble with sleeping…but I did it!! Yesterday morning I automatically woke up and got up after my usual 4 hours of sleep….felt sleepy a bit later and laid down for a bit…it lasted 7 hours!! And still slept another 7 hours before I woke up this morning! Can’t remember when I ever last did that….Maybe the “littles” getting sleep in the rocking chair is helping! Just wanted you to know…..
MissyMing
02/03/19
i be trying all kinds of stuff to help asher. i red this again to try for more ideas., but i be so worryd about asher. he be freaking out werser, he be so terifyd when we turn off the ligts and he havent been that bad before. and he have panic attacs and he scream, and there be other kids scream but i cant figyure out who it be, ushally i can. he been getting werser the past few days.
probally i shouodnt of took him to see Godzilla today. i thot he might like it but he didnt.
i wis ther be a otsid prsin to giv me a hug
a rel 1
mi bodey ake
Some times just some times i wish i could of had some one be like that with us
I wish some one could do that even now
When you be a kid evrebudy ignors you and when you be a grown up evrey one say to take care of you self
Oh, Rachel….it’s not easy, I know…..to sometimes “feel” so much like a little kid – desperate to know that you are seen, heard and valued….yet very aware that you are in an “adult” body and you are expected to NOT be “needy”……how do you keep functioning as an “adult” when everything in you NEEDS validation…..it is enough to make you want to pull your hair out sometimes…..Still trying to figure it out without “bouncing” too much….NOT fun….NOT easy…!!
MissyMing
03/12/20
Hi Rachel. I am sending hugs and stuffies to tell you how much I care. Maybe there are some big peoples in your world who could hold you and rock you and show you the care that you deserve. Maybe you could ask?
🤗❤️🐶🐱🦄
🤗❤️🐶🐱🦄
Hi Rachel. I am sending hugs and stuffies to tell you how much I care. Maybe there are some big peoples in your world who could hold you and rock you and show you the care that you deserve. Maybe you could ask?
Sometimes I am very good at this. There are days when it is easy to comfort the inside kids. Most of the time we can find SOMETHING that works. The past week or so though I am at a loss for a couple of the kids. Nothing I am doing is working and I am frustrated. There is one who only wants one particular person. She doesnt even seem to hear me lately. There are a few kids trying to help her also. I feel so helpless sometimes when nothing I do works. She just cries and hurts all day and all night. She gets herself during the middle of the night that she cant even breathe and keeps having nightmares. This has been a LONG week.
Reading this post makes my heart and chest ache. There were many adults who could have helped our inside kids, but no one chose to. We cannot recall a single time when we were comforted when we got hurt. Instead, we were teased or ignored. Usually just ignored. So we learned quickly to never tell anyone when we got hurt in some way. There was no point.
Nowadays, we have a 2 year old insider named Jadie who points out every little injury she gets to our therapist. I am sure its annoying but it also makes me happy she feels safe enough with her to do that. Even just having her boo-boos acknowledged by an outside person seems to help her feel better. She knows she isnt being ignored any more.
One thing we have found that helps Jadie is watching Frozen 1&2. Her favorites. We have watched both movies a LOT the past few weeks. Three times just THIS week. I am not sure what comforts her about it. But works.
Being ignore is hard when you’re hurting. We try hard to pay close attention to any of the inside kids who are hurting. Right now there are a LOT of time. Its draining me. But, as much as it drains us, its also way better than the additional hurt would be if they got ignored.
We like “Black Beauty” – the movie where the horse tells his side of the story….It’s good to hear “someone” (a horse) – who is not “supposed” to be able to talk – get to tell his story…..It is a sad story that has a happy ending….
We also like “The Miracle Worker” with a young Patty Duke playing Helen Keller…..Helen cannot see, hear, or speak words…but suddenly “someone” shows up and reaches all that Helen is – gives her a “voice” and a way out of the “world” that she has been trapped in…..It gives us hope……
MissyMing
07/26/20
Hi Missy Ming, the Miracle Worker is absolutely our favorite movie EVER. We have seen it probably a few hundred times in the past 35 years. We got into it when we were 12, and were also in the play in college. Sounds like you like it for the same reasons we do
Yup! The things that give us hope….. 🙂
MissyMing
07/28/20