What Happens When you Don’t Talk to Your Insiders?
So there are lots of articles and videos from Discussing Dissociation that speak about being kind to your people, and talking inside, and building a team with your DID System. I tend to go on and on about how important it is to talk to your insiders.
Easier said than done, right?
What about the folks who feel too scared to speak to their insiders?
What about the folks who feel too threatened? Or too fragile? Or too dismissive of their parts?
What happens then?
Won’t it just go away if you ignore it???
Won’t they just leave you alone if you shut them out?
I don’t think it really happens that way.
Maybe for a short amount of time, your system can be shut down, pushed back, hidden behind a wall, ignored, or denied…..
But not for a long time.
I think they will surface again, and again, and again.
Because they really don’t leave.
They are a part of you — they ARE you — and no pushing the away is really going to remove their existence.
What it means, is those unhealed wounds will continue to surface.
The pain will come back.
The flashes of memory will start bursting through the cracks.
The body will still feel it, because the body definitely remembers.
And we all know, that if unhealthy options are preferred, the world is full and brimming over the top of destructive option after option for how to drown out pain in fast, quick, easy, *shiny* ways.
Oh yeah, there are a zillion scary and disastrous ways to find comfort from pain — be it alcohol, or drugs, or any addiction, including food additions, self-injury addictions, cutting, burning, sex addictions, excessive exercising, starvation, work addictions, gambling, etc. etc. etc. That list of horrible go-to options is very, very, very long.
Numbing the pain might feel like a great answer in the immediate and desperate here-and-now, but just like any shot of anaesthesia, unless the wound is truly healed, the pain will return.
Your “drug-of-choice” will wear off, and you’ll feel that pain again.
You can continue around, and around, and around, and around in that cycle of unhelpful pain relief for as many years as you choose to do so. No one can stop you from choosing that…
It all helps for a few minutes, until it doesn’t anymore. And the cycle has to start up again.
Only these addictive destructive cycles really only lead to far more pain and far more loss, damage, loneliness, and isolation. None of them really — EVER — solve the problem of why you are hurting so much.
At some point….
It will take a lot of courage to do so, but you’ll need to stop running from your pain, and have the strength and the willingness to hear it, address the situation, and genuinely fix the problem, best you can.
Have any of your insiders been abused?
They need time to heal from their wounding.
Have any of your insiders been abandoned?
They need time to build beautiful new relationships.
Have any of your insiders hurt themselves?
They need encouragement and opportunity to create a safer life.
Will your parts “just go away” if you ignore them?
How can they? They have shared your life-space with you. They have shared your years. Your tears. Your fears. Your timeline. Your living areas. Your emotions. Your breathing. Your body. Your family. Your relationships. Your shoes. And probably, your socks.
They can’t go away — they are there, part of you.
They were the ones who managed life when YOU went away.
Don’t you get it ???
They can’t go. You were the one who left — they were the ones who stayed.
They can’t just go away now, just because you are still struggling to listen to their pain, and to hear their truths.
They have already faced the horrible.
They already know what happened.
They didn’t go away then, and they aren’t gonna go away now.
Will it be hard to listen to them???
Yes, probably so.
You didn’t leave when times were good. You would have split, dissociated, hidden, or floated away when times were the worst.
So yeah…. unfortunately, a lot of your insiders will know a lot of painful and horrible things.
Because those are the things you had to run from. Those are the things you didn’t wanna see. Those were the unbearable moments. Those are the things you couldn’t withstand as a child, and can barely tolerate as an adult.
I’m not blaming you.
If I had the choice to “leave”, I would have chosen that as well.
For that matter, none of that abuse stuff should have happened to you. It was all very very wrong that people were so mean and vicious to any part of you. It is really not okay that there are attacks, assaults, and abuses forced upon others. All that stuff was wrong, wrong, wrong. Absolutely no doubt about that.
And I’m so very very very sorry that anything like that ever happened to you. If I could remove all the mean creeps from the world, I would do it in a split second. You can bet your bottom dollar on that. I’d send them far far far away, never to return. If I ruled the world, I would make it so that no one could ever ever ever ever hurt you ever ever again.
So no…. Your being hurt was not okay.
And your needing to split was an incredible way for you to survive, and to manage all that was happening for you. And for your insiders.
You have my utmost respect for that.
And so do your insiders.
And now — in this day — I have to encourage each of you to stop running away from the people in your system who helped you in your darkest hours, and start tending to them with gentle kindness and caring.
Let their hurt come to an end.
Because of course, they deserve gentle, kind, compassionate healing as well.
They are your heroes.
They are your strength.
They have been your protectors.
They have carried your pain.
And, they need a turn to have some goodness and comfort, safety and protection, caring and nurturing, compassion and understanding, too.
I wish you and your whole system the very very best in your healing journey.
Copyright © 2008-2023 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation