What Happens When you Don’t Talk to Your Insiders?
So there are lots of articles and videos from Discussing Dissociation that speak about being kind to your people, and talking inside, and building a team with your DID System. I tend to go on and on about how important it is to talk to your insiders.
Easier said than done, right?
What about the folks who feel too scared to speak to their insiders?
What about the folks who feel too threatened? Or too fragile? Or too dismissive of their parts?
What happens then?
Won’t it just go away if you ignore it???
Won’t they just leave you alone if you shut them out?
Well.
Probably not.
I don’t think it really happens that way.
Maybe for a short amount of time, your system can be shut down, pushed back, hidden behind a wall, ignored, or denied…..
But not for a long time.
I think they will surface again, and again, and again.
Because they really don’t leave.
They are a part of you — they ARE you — and no pushing the away is really going to remove their existence.
What it means, is those unhealed wounds will continue to surface.
The pain will come back.
The flashes of memory will start bursting through the cracks.
The body will still feel it, because the body definitely remembers.
And we all know, that if unhealthy options are preferred, the world is full and brimming over the top of destructive option after option for how to drown out pain in fast, quick, easy, *shiny* ways.
Oh yeah, there are a zillion scary and disastrous ways to find comfort from pain — be it alcohol, or drugs, or any addiction, including food additions, self-injury addictions, cutting, burning, sex addictions, excessive exercising, starvation, work addictions, gambling, etc. etc. etc. That list of horrible go-to options is very, very, very long.
Numbing the pain might feel like a great answer in the immediate and desperate here-and-now, but just like any shot of anaesthesia, unless the wound is truly healed, the pain will return.
Your “drug-of-choice” will wear off, and you’ll feel that pain again.
So……
You can continue around, and around, and around, and around in that cycle of unhelpful pain relief for as many years as you choose to do so. No one can stop you from choosing that…
It all helps for a few minutes, until it doesn’t anymore. And the cycle has to start up again.
Only these addictive destructive cycles really only lead to far more pain and far more loss, damage, loneliness, and isolation. None of them really — EVER — solve the problem of why you are hurting so much.
SO…….
At some point….
It will take a lot of courage to do so, but you’ll need to stop running from your pain, and have the strength and the willingness to hear it, address the situation, and genuinely fix the problem, best you can.
Have any of your insiders been abused?
They need time to heal from their wounding.
Have any of your insiders been abandoned?
They need time to build beautiful new relationships.
Have any of your insiders hurt themselves?
They need encouragement and opportunity to create a safer life.
Will your parts “just go away” if you ignore them?
No.
Not ever.
How can they? They have shared your life-space with you. They have shared your years. Your tears. Your fears. Your timeline. Your living areas. Your emotions. Your breathing. Your body. Your family. Your relationships. Your shoes. And probably, your socks.
They can’t go away — they are there, part of you.
They were the ones who managed life when YOU went away.
Don’t you get it ???
They can’t go. You were the one who left — they were the ones who stayed.
So no.
They can’t just go away now, just because you are still struggling to listen to their pain, and to hear their truths.
They have already faced the horrible.
They already know what happened.
They didn’t go away then, and they aren’t gonna go away now.
Will it be hard to listen to them???
Yes, probably so.
You didn’t leave when times were good. You would have split, dissociated, hidden, or floated away when times were the worst.
So yeah…. unfortunately, a lot of your insiders will know a lot of painful and horrible things.
Because those are the things you had to run from. Those are the things you didn’t wanna see. Those were the unbearable moments. Those are the things you couldn’t withstand as a child, and can barely tolerate as an adult.
I’m not blaming you.
If I had the choice to “leave”, I would have chosen that as well.
For that matter, none of that abuse stuff should have happened to you. It was all very very wrong that people were so mean and vicious to any part of you. It is really not okay that there are attacks, assaults, and abuses forced upon others. All that stuff was wrong, wrong, wrong. Absolutely no doubt about that.
And I’m so very very very sorry that anything like that ever happened to you. If I could remove all the mean creeps from the world, I would do it in a split second. You can bet your bottom dollar on that. I’d send them far far far away, never to return. If I ruled the world, I would make it so that no one could ever ever ever ever hurt you ever ever again.
So no…. Your being hurt was not okay.
And your needing to split was an incredible way for you to survive, and to manage all that was happening for you. And for your insiders.
You have my utmost respect for that.
And so do your insiders.
And now — in this day — I have to encourage each of you to stop running away from the people in your system who helped you in your darkest hours, and start tending to them with gentle kindness and caring.
Let their hurt come to an end.
Because of course, they deserve gentle, kind, compassionate healing as well.
They are your heroes.
They are your strength.
They have been your protectors.
They have carried your pain.
And, they need a turn to have some goodness and comfort, safety and protection, caring and nurturing, compassion and understanding, too.
I wish you and your whole system the very very best in your healing journey.
Warmly,
Kathy
Copyright © 2008-2018 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
Kathy,
Thank you so much for this post! I think it’s a very important message for every DID system to hear. It can be difficult and scary at first to find out that “I” am actually a “we”, and it can be very tempting to run away from it. You did a very good job of explaining why we should embrace our “others”, not run from them or ignore them.
When we first started therapy, many years ago, we had several therapists in a row who tried to tell us that I, Leyna, a female alter in our male-bodied system, was a “delusion” and that I needed to be “gotten rid of” or “merged” with Doug, who they thought of as the “real” one. They would actually tell me that to my face! It got to the point where I actually felt guilty for existing! And yes, as you said, no matter how many times they tried to “get rid of” me, I always came back. It was very frustrating, and we thought that there must be something wrong with us, that we couldn’t do what they wanted us to do.
Then, after about nine years of that, with five different therapists, we FINALLY found a therapist who was a DID specialist. He explained it to us much the way you did, that the “others” were not something we should ignore or get rid of, but accept as parts of ourselves who helped each other to survive the traumas of our childhood. Even though we quickly discovered that there were a lot more of “us” than we had thought, we still made more positive progress with this new therapist in the first six months than all of our previous therapists combined! Because as he has told us, the severity of DID has nothing to do with how many parts you have, but rather with how well those parts learn to cooperate and love and support each other. We have been learning how to do that for several years now. It hasn’t been easy, but it has been very rewarding. We now feel like we are a loving family, and even though we don’t always agree on everything, and even though times are hard in the world right now, we are happier now than we have ever been in the past.
For someone with DID like us, there is a world of difference between a therapist who understands it and one who may have good intentions, but just doesn’t get how DID works. That’s why I’m so grateful to people out there like you who do understand us and are trying to help educate others about it.
Thank you SO MUCH!!!
Leyna
I just joined this. I’m in my 50s and have shut my alters out for yrs by drugs,self hat, cutting burning any way I could to numb the pain and block them out. I stopped self harm 3 yrs ago and I now have 14mths clean. And now I hear my alters sometimes they get so loud I have to shut down. Alot of my alters are babies they don’t talk or anything other than cry and sleep. How do I handle them? I have a 9 yr old that likes to come out and make new friends, thou lately I’m not allowing any of them out. I have two teens that have tried to commit suicide.i don’t no what to do or how to handle everything. I don’t have a therapist never have.
If you have any advice if sure appreciate it. Ty
Hello Ty (Barb)…wanted you to know we read your post….We are so glad you are now 14 months clean!! We can understand you doing all that you did to try to numb the pain and block them out….but you know as well as we do that it only works for a little while – and then there are still potential consequences for the path you took to do that…..parts will find a way to get you to see and hear them…..I have heard wailing and crying Inside – but still don’t know if it is from “babies” or “really young” parts… My guess would be to see if you can “see” or “feel” what would help them…..I am still working on learning to do that…..I know we had a little boy part who was very happy with ice cream one time…..and we saw a little girl part with a beach ball…..If it is a situation of trying to provide “safety” for them – we are still trying to learn to do that….not sure what “safety” even “feels” like……
There are lots of articles here from Kathy and Laura and LOTS of comments from others that can help to give you insight….that’s what we do….see what “stuff” of theirs matches with ours and then we see if it will work to help us…..but we know that each person and each situation is unique….but at least it helps us feel less alone…..
I have a therapist….my sister does not…she is too nervous to come here, so I tell her what I read and also what my T says…..not having anybody to talk to is HARD…..can’t figure out how to plow through all the Twilight Zones…..if I see my T isn’t quite getting what I am trying to say…we will look for another way to describe it – so it ultimately helps US…..We have an SI part who tries to help us out of “overwhelm”…but we are learning to look in other directions – which we think is slowly helping her…..she doesn’t have to “step up” as fast as she used to – although we know she is still there……
You are welcome to come here and talk….or maybe you can join the Forum where it is more “private”…….Anyway – we are glad you are here and you are welcome to talk about whatever …. that’s what we do….it’s how we “process”…..sometimes talking can be triggering for us….sometimes it helps to lessen Inside “pressure” that is building….we have to just wait and see which way it goes….we always hope that it just lessens the “pressure”…..that’s what it did for us today…we talked to our sister about “stuff” a long time yesterday…this morning we didn’t have all the Inside turmoil that we usually have on our drive into our early morning side job….so that is good! ….. YAY!
Hope you have a good day Ty (Barb)!
MissyMing
05/18/20
About 8 years ago we had pretty good internal communication then it all got destroyed by the fall out with our best friend and now everyone is too scared to get it back again.
Hi Caden, i am decluttering and selling off my pspercrafts, i would say 90% i have no recollection of buying. I have many many unfinished cross-stitch projects, i guess my insiders got bored. I recently found a journaling project that our outsider created but was the insiders giving her their words of hurt, pain, abuse. My trauma counsellor thinks its really important for our system. I ignored my insiders for 54 years, i just thought it was my thoughts. It wasnt until i acknowledged them and thanked them that they started to introduce me to just a few insiders, so far there are 27 insiders but we now know there are many many more holding individual abuse, or trauma memories. Our counsellor met and spoke to 4 of us last week, we are very young and never had a safe adult so its very scary. After that session our outsider lost 4 hours we hope she remembers to tell counsellor when she goes in 2 days
I have learned a lesson today about not talking to everyone inside. its sort of silly but it made me think of this post.
back in 2011-12 some particularly difficult stuff was going on for us and several us were in a dont talk / dont remember mode. it didnt work very well at the time.
today, i was on a forum for people who share a hobby i have, and searching through some old posts there, for my hobby, there are basically two methods for going about it. method 1 and method. 2.
i have been doing this hobby for about 10 years now and thought that until the past year i have always done method 1. only in the past year went to method 2.
so today, I am searching for posts by people who did method 2, and low and behold, from 2012 up pop a bunch of posts by ME. 🤔 I dont recall writing them, but its definitely one of my usernames and its also a picture of my own DOG, so its definitely ME,
but i had NO CLUE, i dont remember anything from then, i dont remember doing my hobby that way, i dont remember posting about it, i dont recall sharing pictures of it- nothing,
so today, i sit here completely befuddled.🙄
todays lesson: dont try to block everyone out. because later you may completely confuse yourself.
no one else inside seems to remember posting all that there either, so we have no answers, and having no answers bugs me to pieces,
and this is just a littoe thing about a hobby- so who really cares, right? but the thing is, i dont remember HUGE chunks of stuff from then, from when we tried to ignore each other and not talk.
just a good reminder for all of us that inside communication is very important and never to ignore anyone inside,
I stopped working with my insiders because of an abusing group whom has made me afraid to. I understand intellectually their lies but it doesn’t erase the fear. I feel like until I can safely remove myself from their presence I am unable to do the work I need to in order to heal. It is hard to live like this but for now I don’t see another option.
Hello the Same girl,
Is this group of abuser from the inside world or out. If it outside I hope you can find away to remove yourselves from it. If it all coming from with-in I hope you can find the support that’s needed to work with them.
Hi The Same Girl,
I want to support what Lori has said here. If the “abusing group” are outsider, yes you need to distance yourself from them. If the “abusing group” are insiders, that is a whole different situation. Eventually you need to find a way to deal with them and build communication with them because you cannot heal fully without them. Maybe the following blog articles will have some helpful ideas:
Demonstrating DID System Work with Dark Side Parts during a Difficult Time
Working with Difficult and Destructive Alters
Developing Internal Communication – try these ideas
Internal Communication is Critical
Remember too that we are here to listen and help in any way that we can.
ME+WE
Hello, I ignored my insiders for a few years. I thought if I did they would just go away. A few months ago we had a visit from a family member we call The Red Queen. We hadn’t seen her in 5 years. That was all it took. Now everyone is awake and letting me know that they’re there. But because of my stupidity we are paying a price. There is nothing but chaos and very little communication now. We are working on it . Journaling and doing art therapy, music, pretty much trying anything to reach one who is so self destructive. Ari.. Poor Ari just think’s that everyone hates him. I don’t, we don’t. We just need to figure all this out and try to get some freaking order to this mess. We’re on our 3rd therapist in 6 months. The 1st wasn’t able to handle what we needed, the second wanted to push too hard, this one seems nice but there’s the trust issue. This is all so new but it’s frustrating. I don’t go any where other than the therapist. I never know who’s going to pop out. Anxiety is unbelievable. There isn’t much sleep, too much influence, too much of everything. It’s hard to find people that you can trust to talk to. Openly. Honestly I have never felt as lost as I do now. Or as alone, even with all the other’s with me. Oh wow- sorry didn’t mean to write a book.
Jess
you didn’t write a book.
Did it feel good to vomit all that out? Sometime it just feel better. Even if you do not have the answers you need.
Hopefully this therapist will be a good match for you. Have you seen Kathy blog post on how to find a good one? I also recommend the her blog post about what a therapist wants in a client also. It take both clients and therapist to make it work.
Hi Jess,
You may be lost but you have found a place where you can be yourself – in whatever many dimensions that may be — here. I did not see, hear or acknowledge my insiders (or them me) until five years ago (and the body is 64 y/o btw). It is never too late to start the dialogue. It can be chaotic, overwhelming and confusing at the start but it settles down with time, practice and a whole lot of work and understanding. We are here to listen and help where we can.
ME+WE
My insiders have been waiting for so long for me to talk to them, 1 for over 54 years but i hear them loud and clear now. They protected me for so long so they deserve acknowledgment and some talk to me daily now. Many are still silent, i only know their name and title, maybe in time i will hear their voices. I cannot speak but somehow we communicate, it must be another insider helping as my oldest insider is an unborn child who did everything not to be born and then had a horrific birth and rejection, i honour her bravery and she is a hero to me. I think i am scared to speak to my child insiders as they contain my childhood horrors which are only just been started to be revealed to me in the last 3 months by my brave 7 year old insider. I do not feel ready yet to hear anymore as what they told me is hard to hear but it makes sense as to why i behave and react so badly to certain issues all my life. They are brave and have had to be patient, but i will find them all
maybe if everyone keeps not talking to me long enough, i will become unreal and disappear. i would love that.
Well, I like talking with you Jessie and I sure would miss you if you disappeared.
Your friend,
ME+WE
02/18/19
Not being talked to feels very desperate and alone
and make everything worse
and feels isolated.
But you cant ask to talk.
because then youre selfish and looking for attention.
Ahhh, Jesla…..feeling invisible and like you don’t matter is rough….I know I have been there….I feel it a LOT on the Outside….I don’t feel it here ..,, I think I jumped in here with both feet because there is nowhere Outside (other than my T’s once a week) that I feel like I am truly “seen” or “heard”….or I have anything to offer to anybody….the “defective” feeling is rough…..knowing that there is “here” has helped me deal with the “suicidal ideation” waves which can be rough…..I know that “someone” will hear me here – even if there is no specific response in that moment…..I know someone is here somewhere…..
We would LOVE for you to talk with us….ANYTHING that is on your heart….you don’t have to “ask us” if you can talk….we are already waiting for you to…..others on the Outside might have called you “selfish” for wanting to talk….we don’t see it that way AT ALL…..you would be giving us something really, really precious….a chance to get to know you and have a new friend……
MissyMing
02/05/19
Hi Jesla,
Oh my but you are so right. Not being talked to feels so horrible and lonely. No one should feel ignored and lonely. No one!
Now, someone taught you that asking to talk is selfish and just for attention. They were wrong. Asking to talk is getting stuff out and asking for help and yes asking for attention because we all need attention, love and to be seen.
You can talk here Jesla. We want to hear you. We care what you have to say. You do not have to be alone here.
Your friend,
ME+WE
02/05/19
I am very new to talking to my insiders, the typist who records everything and who has made me aware of insiders, giving some names, some specific ages and genders and roles, others just their roles. About 48 hours ago the typist revealed that i have a dead insider, a name was given and also the fact they were murdered, i dont know yet who by or why, but i know they are in limbo and definitely not resting in peace. These new revelations have left me shocked, 5hat takes it up to 14 identifiable insiders and i think i have barely scratched the surface
Hi Fiona,
You may be new to talking with your insiders but you have already done a lot a great work sorting them out. Good for you! It is a big step getting to know who your insiders are, what their purpose/role is and the traumas that they hold. I do not have any insiders who have died. One that I thought had died turned out to be alive many years later. I can see how this would be troubling. I am not sure if you have a T that you can talk to about this but you might also want to consider booking a telephone session with Kathy (click on the link to “Consultations” at the top of the webpage). She has over three decades of experience with DID and I am sure has encountered this before.
Thank you for sharing here Fiona!
ME+WE
02/04/19
We have been in therapy for 26.5 years We have been fortunate with therapist. We have had a few changing of the guards Each time the system had got into a hyper active self doubting and wanting to give up attitude. But to our surprise the changing to a new therapist gave us growth.
Having DID Makes it easy to feel abandoned, not cared for , lost, and without hope. Somehow through all that. strengthen needs to be found to move forward. It is all easier said than done for sure.
One of the things We recently done is including our therapist voice to our inside world. With a push of a button we can have A positive , caring ,loving , and cheerleading chatter when needed. It also gives the others chance to realize that this is a safe person in the outside world.
We don’t feel it’s necessary to have a specialist. But a therapist that is willing and able to grow with you and learn about your insiders. She is a little older than what we like. (For the fear of her retirement before we are ready). But the incredible interaction and connection we have is getting our work done . We are happy that we didn’t pass on this opportunity with her.
So please don’t ever give up. I know your not a quitter, you are still alive and that’s a big deal. We all know it would of been easier to quit then to deal with all of this. But we are all here using our superhero strength to go on living.
Hi 4+me+2=me,
Thank you for sharing your words because we really like the idea of having your T voice in your inner world. I think that this would be helpful in so many ways to help calm or support various inside ones. My t is a little rough around the edges, so while she’s kind and considerate, she tells it like it is and so forth.
So having her fight for us on the inside I think would be very helpful.
MultipleMe
8/29/18
What if you were hurt and abandon by therapist treating DID? Seems hopeless.
Dear Mmm,
WOW … being hurt and abandoned by your therapist is a really, really, really deep hurt there is no question about that. We cannot make that better here but we can offer a sympathetic ear and maybe some ideas based on our own experiences. The most important thing that I want to say here is the there is hope – the hurt that you feel now can be soothed and smoothed so you just have a sad memory rather than a big trigger of hopelessness.
My first therapist retired suddenly on me. That was fair enough (i.e., she had a right to retire) but I did sink into a deep despair of being abandoned and that I would never get help again (I had my chance and that was over now). I have no memory of the final months with her at all. I just remember falling into a deep depression and sense that I would never find my way. My insiders (which I did not know at the time) interpreted it as I would never have a turn at finding someone to help me find wholeness and happiness and, to some, I did not deserve a turn. Their evidence — even the T that I loved and trusted had turned her back on me.
I waited through 26 years of depression and a big life crisis to decide to take a chance on therapy again. I am so glad that I did. I found my insiders and am now learning to build a relationship with them. I am hearing my history, understanding the ups and downs of my life, and forging a way to a new equilibrium of existence with a bunch of inside folks. To me, as painful as that journey often is, it is filled with hope because I am no longer numbing myself from life and running away from my truth. I am standing my ground (as wobbly as that might be sometimes), opening my heart, mind and soul to my dimensions of self and all of the memories, emotions, strength and compassion that they have held on for me all of these years … and I am starting to LIVE.
I tell you all of this Mmm because I sincerely wish that you can gain strength in knowing that there is hope even at the darkest of times. And that hope starts with getting help if you can working with a competent therapist who will help guide you as you navigate through your life narrative. We are blind but a good therapist can help us see. I sincerely hope that you will be able to find a new T and trust again.
With sincere best wishes,
ME+WE
08/27/18
Hi Mmm,
It does seem hopeless, doesn’t it? I agree with ME+WE though that there is indeed hope. It may not seem like it now, but maybe you need some space to heal before you start with a new T? Don’t give up…a good T is out there somewhere for you. Keep reading here and reaching out. If you want to keep reading below, I’ll share my story too.
I started with my first T when I was at school 6 years ago. I went because of something totally unrelated to DID. I met with a T intern and her name was Christine. She was great and very compassionate. We worked really well together and she helped me discover that I was DID. It was a very upsetting time for me and she was there. But she quickly got in over her head and one day her supervisor met with me (it was a counseling center on the campus of my school) and she told me I would no longer be seeing her. I was devastated because I didn’t get to say goodbye like I wanted to. It took me a while to get over that. BUT…
When I moved back home, I was referred to Caren who became my T for five years. She was also compassionate and competent. Very helpful in helping us get to know insiders and a little bit more of the puzzle pieces. But she got overwhelmed when we found out we had RA in our past and she said goodbye to us. Devastating again BUT…
We found a new T last year. She and I haven’t totally connected yet and we’re working on the trust issues because we’ve been so devastated in the past. She is experienced with DID and RA and has been helping us immensely.
I share because I want you to see that the journey we’re on takes us somewhere. It doesn’t end and it’s worth it to keep trying. Think of it this way…it may seem hopeless, but what isn’t it worth it to keep trying for the sake of your parts? Don’t they deserve to share and have a voice with someone they can learn to trust again? I know how hard it is, and we’ve felt the hopelessness too, but I just didn’t want to give up because the relationships I’ve had were so beautiful for me and my parts, that I just knew it would be worth it try again and again. All relationships must end eventually, at least they change over time. It’s okay to grieve and take the time you need, but don’t give up. There is always hope.
MultipleMe
8/27/18
What if you aren’t experiencing any upset but instead just some anxiety. Maybe some food issues too. Nothing major. Does that mean you don’t have insiders? No trauma memories, no trauma symptoms. Just talking to myself a lot and doubting if I’m DID. But we dissociate in therapy. Who knows? Just wondering if I should keep ignoring things? Or maybe the ignoring part is actually just living?
8/6/18
Hi MultipleMe,
Hum … I am assuming that you have a DID diagnosis from your T. So, you are wondering if it is true given that you do not feel that you are living with any big crisis or sense of insiders. All I can say is that I lived for decades (until I was diagnosed at 59 years old) thinking that I just had bouts of depression and anxiety (like everyone does from time to time right?), issues with food and alcohol (but I am not the only one with these issues in my family) and some sense of abuse/rape when I was 20 years old that I did not remember for years and years (but that could just be normal denial at work right?). Nothing major but still I felt a need to go into therapy.
So, why did I think that I needed therapy … again (I had been in individual therapy for eight years and group therapy for five years in my late 20s/early 30s)? My therapist years ago said that I was okay and that it was time to go it alone. But, something just did not feel right. And so, at age 58 I went back into therapy and about six months later my first insider appeared.
What I am trying to say here MultipleMe is that a lot of us have lived successful, seemingly okay lives oblivious of our insiders and lost time and totally unaware of our history of abuse that our insiders kept secret from us. If you are dissociating in therapy and your T has suggested a diagnosis of DID, it is possible/probable that you are indeed DID. Because you as the out front person are unaware of any trauma or major issues does not necessarily mean that they are not there. It could be that you are not party to the secrets of your insiders yet. It took six months before my first insider spoke to my T and then she did not want my T to tell me what she said. It took time, a lot of time, before I got to know about my abuse that I had NO awareness/memory of at all for all of my life. And, about a year and a half before I started to come out of denial that it was true (the abuse) and that my insiders did exist.
So, give yourself time MultipleMe and be patient with yourself and your insiders. Maybe ask your T about why you have been given the DID diagnosis and explore your doubts with them. And, keep reading here and asking your questions. We are all on the long journey from first acknowledgment of our DID through denial to acceptance, learning, building our network of understanding, establishing co-consciousness and healing. It takes a LOT of time, hard work and patience. But know that you are not alone on that journey here.
ME+WE
08/07/18
I’ve been diagnosed with DID for five years. So I’ve been in therapy for that long, seeing three different therapists during that time. The newest therapist is well-experienced with DID and RA. All have said I have DID. I guess I haven’t been working with my parts too much because things don’t seem to be that bad. I don’t lose time, that I know of. You’re right, it does take time. Five years? I’m not so sure.
Hi MultipleMe,
Well, the thing is that there is no timeline on understanding and healing. It is a life-long process. And, actually you are very fortunate to have gotten a DID diagnosis so quickly (and from three sources). My original eight years in therapy did not uncover my DID at all. I waited decades before my insiders revealed themselves in therapy. If you have a DID diagnosis, there must be some insiders talking to your therapist. Maybe you can ask your T about this.
It is like a giant archeological dig uncovering the truth of our past and our inside systems. You have to brush away the stuff that has been covering up the artifacts of your life slowly, methodically and patiently. You cannot bring in a bulldozer to do this delicate job.
Check out these Kathy articles (there is a search function in the right hand column of the website just under Kathy’s picture):
Internal Communication – The Core of Treatment for Dissociative Identity Disorder
Using the Internal Landscape to Increase Internal Communication
10 DID Therapy 101 Tips
20 Types of Dissociative Splits
Emotional Intensity, Safety and Memory Work
There are tons of great blog articles but these may get you started with building communication with your insiders. And remember that you are not alone here. Keep reading and writing your thoughts/questions. The community here is full of caring folks who truly understand
ME+WE
08/08/18
Thank you Me+We. You are very insightful and kind. I am very fortunate to have gotten a diagnosis so quickly. I can’t imagine not having an answer to what is going on, because a diagnosis could be very helpful. It’s a place to start SOMEWHERE.
I appreciate your analogy of the archaeological dig because I have a friend who is an archaeologist. It’s very intense, but delicate work. Sometimes tedious, sometimes exciting. So I guess I need to get my head in the game and stop complaining.
Thanks for the articles. I’ve written them down and will check them out.
You’re the best!
MultipleMe
8/9/18
Hi MultipleMe,
Thank you for your kind words. We are all here to help and support one another. Actually, you know that posting your questions and concerns is a great help to others because it is often the unexpressed questions/concerns of others. It also helps us think about these questions/concerns for ourselves or reaffirm what we have already found out. BTW – I did not read your postings as complaining just trying to understand.
Yes we all have to start somewhere and a big hurdle is the DID diagnosis. But that is often a double-edged sword. Now that you know what the heck it is, how do you deal with what you have been handed. That indeed is intense work that requires a lot of patience and resilience. I know that you have spoken about not feeling too badly but something took you to therapy in the first place right? Now, I do not want to scare you but there may be some rough stuff ahead. Just know that you have a community of folks here who understand and want to help.
It is a whole bunch of baby steps MultipleMe. We all get down the road to understanding one small step at a time. You are really doing well from my vantage point. Asking questions and staying open to the answers is a huge part of the journey.
Your friend,
ME+WE
08/09/18
Lora, we *are* connected, aren’t we? Relieved you are on the upward arc. We are starting to understand life is a roller coaster. We’ll try to be more flexible.
The universe has sent this system messages recently that we are not alone. We acknowledge that.
We could benefit from accepting more of what is. We will practice that. We love yous. 6/24/18
I know it’s important to establish communication and really be open to it and loving towards insiders, but I get so frustrated because I don’t know how to get started. They don’t trust me, because I’ve done lots of the things you’ve listed above (and I feel terrible about that–I’m not making excuses), and none of us trust our therapist right now because he accidentally reenacted parts of our trauma recently and it’s all we can do to be in the room with him right now. I think everybody must be really upset because I keep losing time and stuff.
I think maybe none of us knows what it feels like to really be safe, so we don’t know how to create a safe space for communicating. Do you have any suggestions for how to get started? (Maybe there’s another article here already? We keep trying to read, but either we’re switching or just plain dissociating, because we can’t remember anything.) Thanks very much.
Hi, Jessa. We read a couple times about creating internal safe places. If you’ve never felt safe, then a safe place inside might be confusing.
It seems to us that a key to this process, if you’ve never felt safe, is to use imagination.
We wish Kennedy were reading your post because Kennedy is sooo creative and has posted about creating elaborate inside worlds.
Kennedy always tells us, though, to start simple:
What, Jessa, can you imagine as the safest place for your parts? For us, it’s a big, protective forest that’s all shades of green and the perfect temperature. The ground is soft. The birds chirp when we want. It’s silent when we want. We can bring beds, tents, anything. And the sun does shine: we just have to look up or move to sunny spots when we want it.
We struggle with imagination. One of our abusers tricked us into a game of imaginative play that turned out to be sexual abuse, so we struggle to be creative. It’s triggering.
The safe place supposedly requires daily practice. If it doesn’t feel safe enough, imagination allows you to change it.
If you have trouble getting started, did you ever read a book of a place that sounded safe or saw a movie or a picture?
6/23/18
Clark,
I’m sorry I said we’d not come back here. We’d been in a very dark place for a while and could not see outside our head, or see outside the agony and suffering. This morning we woke up in a different overall feeling. Seems like the darkness has subsided some. At least enough to feel somewhat lighter.
I loved what Kathy wrote about our synchronicity on the ONCS page. 🙂
Jessa, I think the poem I posted and Kathy mentioned is a good one for your situation. I posted it because I was needing it myself and thought maybe someone else could use to hear it as well. There are two things about your above post I would like to address…
One thing we know that helps when insiders don’t trust or like me or the other fronts is to have another insider be the go-between. When we have had scared littles not wanting to talk to us, we ask people older than that child by a few years if they can talk to them. It seems the smaller ones are more able to trust someone closer to their own age. Makes sense. Over time, we build a bridge of communication through many people. I don’t have to be the one and only trying to meet the needs of the littles. One of our littles was the person to tell us it may work better if adults weren’t in control of immediately helping the scared ones. She said she would do it. She does a brilliant job of it, too. And now that she has bravely began that work, there are many others who followed her lead. So, maybe if you have people that don’t trust you and don’t want to, you can start by asking a young one, who is appropriate age and ability, to reach out first.
The other thing I wanted to talk about is the safe places inside. Clark was very kind to bring up what we have talked about before concerning this subject. I don’t know about everybody and I am not sure if it’s true for you, but we, like Clark, had our imaginations used by cruel and unethical and inhumane monsters. They used our innate and genius abilities to dissociate and our powerful minds to create what they wanted to control, on purpose. For us, they created our internal world. We have had to tear down and destroy theirs and create our own. Sometimes I feel like the Six Million Dollar Man. They had the technology to build a person more powerful. They used it against us for their nefarious purposes and we are taking that control back. You have a powerful mind. As a DID person you have had to use your genius and innate abilities to survive what most people could never fathom. Imagination is scary sometimes and powerful. Creating safe and loving places inside for you and your insiders is a right. Start by closing your eyes and looking around. You don’t have to do it all at once and Clark is right that if it turns out you need something different you can change it. What you build doesn’t have to be permanent or elaborate or fancy or anything grand. Start by seeing where you are standing. Turn on a light. Open some windows if you find yourself inside. Go outside if you want. Get used to the immediate terrain. Talk to your insiders about what they need. Beds, clothing, warm soft things. etc. We started with one building, then moved to houses, then on to crystal caves that have protective uses as well as all the comforts we can think of. We have a healing pool and an atrium we use as a triage/hospital/recovery place. It isn’t difficult and can be a lot of fun getting together and finding what works. Take your time. Whatever YOUS need is whats best. Take Care Of Yous.
Hey Jessa,
Thanks for writing, and welcome to Discussing Dissociation!
It very much sounds like your insiders are feeling scared and unsafe, and that lots of your inside people are scattering and/or running, and yes, that in itself creates an increase in dissociative walls and time loss and confusion. And yes, you are right — if you and your insiders are feeling especially triggered by your trauma, that’s gonna cause a big stir. I hope that you and your therapist are able to work thru’ this accidental reenactment. I’m sorry that happened — and hopefully, your therapist will work with you to help re-establish safety.
And right now, being scared on so many levels, it is hard to establish communication, and your thoughts starting with safety are spot on, and very good.
T.Clark and Lora have given you some great ideas about internal safety — I hope those help. I fully recommend working on inside safety — it’s absolutely critical for healing and stability.
There is a whole category of articles about ways to establish internal communication. Mouse over the “DID System Work” tab right under the heading at the top of the page, and you’ll see a drop down box. Click on the drop down for “Internal Communication” and that will take you to a collection of articles that address communication issues.
Also, take every step that you can to increase you and your system’s sense of safety in the right now. This includes literal things — such as wearing extra layers of clothing, locking and re-locking your doors, blocking any “entrances” to your place, having your phone and your keys available at all times, etc. Make sure you have plenty of healthy foods, water, warmth, and privacy. Do everything you can to help your system feel safe in your own home, in your own room, in your own car, etc.
With your people, spending time paying attention to how you feel and what you are hearing inside. Sometimes, your people may be giving off LOTS of signals, emotionally, internally, etc, and you may seriously just need to tune in and pay attention. Pay attention to what you feel in your body and what thoughts pass thru’ your mind. Your system could be communicating with you in any variety of ways.
Use your outside voice, and talk to your system, reassure them. Comfort them. Tell them what you’ll do to help improve your safety in the here and now. Help them to see the outside world where you live now so they aren’t stuck back in the past. You can make your NOW safer, so start there. And the sooner your insiders can connect to you in the now, the better.
Of course, you can try journaling exercises — that often helps too.
And of course, whatever mistakes you’ve made in communicating with your system – you can work hard to fix those, and then work hard to do better tomorrow. Learning about safety is an important thing, and yes, your system needs to know that you are safe for them as well.
AND… keep reading and writing here, and encourage your insiders to do the same. There is a wealth of helpful experience in the readers here, so I’m sure you’ll be able to get all kinds of good info.
Thanks for being brave enough to make your first post! It’s a big step, and as I mentioned above, welcome, welcome.
Warmly,
Kathy
Thanks so much for your kind responses.
T.Clark and Lora, imagination is hard for me/us, too. Outside people often assume it isn’t, because I’m a musician and a teacher by training, but it seems to me that the things that make me good at music and teaching have more to do with intuition and interpretation than imagination. When I have to do something truly creative, like composing music, I seem to have to get overwhelmed and very upset (triggered? maybe there’s someone inside who’s job is to be creative because it wasn’t safe for me?) before I can get started. My initial reaction to the idea of imagining a safe space, permanent or not, was “but I don’t know how!” Some inside people have written on index cards what makes them feel safe, though, so I guess maybe I can start there.
Lora, I do a have an older Little, Katie, who might like to be a go-between. When we do manage to journal to each other, she often speaks for all the Littles, and she is just generally more outgoing and chatty than most of us. That’s a good idea. I’ll ask her what she thinks. Thanks.
Kathy, thank you. I think I’m going to have to write your suggestions down and try just one part at a time. My “window of tolerance” seems to be about 2 square centimeters in area right now. But I do really appreciate the help.
we plant a garden every year, not cause we like gardening but cause we like watching god make things grow from a little seed. maybe thats cause most of us were frozen or dead and never got to grow. it is usually organized. this year others planted too, it is fun finding new life where didnt tememner planting, like corn in the beets or rows of carrots that we almost stepped on cause didnt know. it is haphazard but it is exciting too. that is what healing feels like too. the weeds get in the way but we see removing them as a way to work on our patience.
What a fantastic idea, X !!!
I’ve not thought of gardening in quite the way you’ve described it, and I really really like that. Such a wonderful idea…! THANK YOU for sharing that. I really really like that.
Happy gardening to you and all your people. 🙂
Warmly,
Kathy
i think it be impotint to talk to evreyone inside
becuse if you dont then some pepol might feel lonly
and if you talk then you can be friends
becuse evreyone insid shuld have friends and not be sad
and it be impotint to be nice to evrebudy to
and then you can help each oher
We would like to tell y’all our experience with trying to shut out our insiders.
In the beginning of our journey, we did want anything more to do with all the yelling that at was going on inside. We were a complete mess! Rapid switching, head aches from hell, oh we know y’all know what we are talking about.
We ha dad found out that Sara, our sexual alter had an affair. This was the. Last straw! They all had to go and NOW! Oh.. it got quiet for a while. An eary silence that really mad me feel lonely more than healed.
But out of the blue.. BAM! We were side swiped by a barrage of events that literally I would never wish on my worst enemy! EVEr!
It was getting down right dangerous! Looosing Time meant finding ourselves up on the bluff. It was a LONG EAY way down!!!! The drop would have surly either killed us or have done something really bad! It was scary
We tried getting help by getting “exorcism.”. That didn’t work. The husband finally had to put an end to it while we were on the ground screaming our head off and shaking violently. The husband had a few words for the pastor shortly after that.. not a good thing at all.
There is a LOT more. I mean a lot.
Let’s just say that all of the insiders rebelled .. in a very BIG Way!
We had tried to silence them. Even tried to “kill them” or expell them by the exorcist. Not good. Not good at all.
We found ourselves in a heap more difficulties!
After a great deal of thought.. I concluded:
1. Shutting my insiders off was just as bad as being locked up and not being allowed out. It was a form of punishment that my insiders didn’t need nor did they want.
2. Not talking to someone is a form of abuse. It is a power play. Plus it hurts. And it hurts deeply to be shut out by someone who you really want to speak to .. but just don’t know how.
3. It shows lack of compassion. We all need a little bit of that don’t we? Even the most scary parts nerf something. If we cannot show compassion.. then what?
4. It shows lack of leadership. Our parts need something to look to for guidance and direction. If we shut the door to communication, then we cannot learn from them and they cannot learn from us.
5 Most important.. we learn if we open up. All of us can learn!
I’m telling this out of my own experience. Not only did shutting my insiders out didn’t work.. it made things difficult! My advice.. t
Don’t even try.
Oh wow … thank you for sharing this All the Jill People. Just so touching, insightful and inspiring. I especially like point 4:
“It shows lack of leadership. Our parts need something to look to for guidance and direction. If we shut the door to communication, then we cannot learn from them and they cannot learn from us.”
So important. As the one in most executive control, I need to lead by example. I cannot expect compassion, cooperation and respect from my insiders if I do not treat them with compassion, cooperation and respect in return. And, that starts by listening to what they have to tell me.
ME+WE
06/17/18
What do YOU do when you have (a part has) an intense need to cry and don’t (doesn’t/can’t)? There is a big, “frog in my throat.” This feeling is so difficult! At the same time, there is no desire to do anything. The body is lethargic, exhausted and depressed. I am afraid a walk or any kind of exercise might increase body pain, so I don’t dare. I can try watching a movie, or reading, maybe some journaling. I want so much to feel better! But, also, I want to know who inside hurts, and why. I think I might find a movie that might help us cry. It may or may not work/help. What do YOU do? Suggestions appreciated.
naturluvr
6/11/18
Hi Naturluvr,
Well, that is a really hard one for me too so I am not sure that I have anything useful to offer here. My T keeps telling me that I cannot rush my insiders. They will talk to me when they are ready to. There is not fast track to communication. All you can do is offer a warm, loving, open and compassionate space for them and hope that they will feel safe enough to talk with you. And, they will talk with you when the time is right. Actually, I have an inside helper that I go to and ask for help. She usually just keeps me calm and focused on respecting the space that my insiders need (recognizing that they have been alone with their stuff for decades so are not going to trust that it is okay to talk just because I am open to listening now). She stresses patience with me and, when the time is right will tell me “its time”.
The other part of this issue is about crying. Now, I can cry at a sad story or movie or song, etc. but I cannot cry for me. Actually, in my first eight years of therapy I cried only once and that was ever so briefly. Sobbing … not in my vocabulary. When I get close to tears a dissociative veil descends upon me and no tears come out. I have longed for tears but they do not come. So much so that my T has instructed me to feel my cheeks the few times that a tear or two have squeezed out. She usually tries to get me to breath into my emotions to try and help but it has only been to marginal effect. She recommends too when I am home to curl up in a cozy nest, maybe listen to some music and try to breath and let the emotions out. So far … Sahara Desert time.
I will be anxious to hear what others say.
ME+WE
06/13/18
My therapist had me peel onions a lot. Just so i could feel the liquid run down from my eyes. Baby cry for most of us still, but ever now and then My eyes do leek,
Oh my Lori … guess that I am going to have to buy a bushel of onions!!! Thanks for the idea. ☺
ME+WE
06/20/18
we believe and desire mostly to be heard and accepted inside and outside. we also find words incredibly hard and confusing so it is a good thing words are only 5% of communication, the other 95% is action, tone, body, etc. one thing we said lots to other therapists is you arent listening – they would hear and then put their context, importance and feelings on our words but they mever listened to what we were really saying. when someone really hears us it is the most wonderful feeling in the world. inside gets it way more than outside people. just when outside gets it inside gets to be free outside too
That’s a really good point, x — thank you for pointing that out. I do agree with you — communication is far far far more involved than just the words that are used.
What an interesting statement you’ve made: WHEN SOMEONE REALLY HEARS US IT IS THE MOST WONDERFUL FEELING IN THE WORLD.
I bet…. there are a whole lot of folks around here who would agree with that!
Thanks for writing — and I just wanted you to know I was listening. 🙂🙋
Warmly,
Kathy
Hi All,
Well, bang on again Kathy and certainly something that I needed reminding of (keep needing to be reminded of). I did not hear for decades and things just were not right. I do not think that it was a matter of not listening but not knowing. Now that I do know (about my insiders) I have to be vigilant to know them with much more than just my inside ears. I am learning to surrender wholly to what they are offering to me. That is not an act of giving up myself but embracing the whole of me.
I have come to see myself as a singer and my insiders as a beautiful orchestra. For years I sang acapella … soft and sweet and lyrical. But, my song lacked depth and nuance. I felt vulnerable and alone because every wrong note was startling obvious to the world. And I was ashamed that my voice was not good enough, not strong enough, did not sing the right notes. And then my orchestra started to show up one by one to back me up. The music was a little odd and hit a lot of discords as we learned to make music together but eventually we have begun to find harmony. The thing is, every instrument in the orchestra has an important part to play no matter how small the range of notes that they may play. When we try to silence one part or drown it out with others, our musical composition is not pleasant to the ear. But, when we welcome and respect the part that each one plays, the music that we create is rich in depth, tone, harmony, melody and life.
Thank you for inspiring us to welcome and embrace the fullness of our heart music Kathy!
ME+WE
06/08/18
Me+We —
Thank you … really really well said, as always. And now you’re talking music, so you’re talking my language. 🙂
I have to ask you — were you writing in metaphor or are you also speaking as a singer ?!!! Because what a beautiful and incredible experience to have — as your insiders are finding their own voices, that maybe your own singing voice may strengthen and deepen and expand and develop.
I know of other dissociative singers who found this to be true for them, in a real life vocal way. Their singing voice grew, developed, changed and improved as they connected to the voices of their insiders. I just find that incredible and so very very fascinating… and EXCITING to genuinely have a symphony of voices coming from within.
IT’S JUST SO COOOOOL !!!!
I am a pianist, so you know, my musical voice comes out thru’ the keyboard. And the first 30-years of my life, I spent more time playing piano than I did walking, I’m sure, lol. Music is definitely important to me. I’ve got my own Piano CD that needs to be updated to a new format so I can make it available again. You’re inspiring me to remember to do that!
By all means…keep singing that symphony with all your people. What a beautiful picture you have painted, and I really do hope your people can share their musical voice together.
Such lovely thoughts…..
Warmly,
Kathy
Hi Kathy and All,
What an intriguing insight/question Kathy. When I wrote my posting, I did so from the perspective of metaphor although I am reexamining the role of my insiders in my choice of words/images. Actually, I wish to do more writing (painting with words) and have been trying to give myself permission to pursue this endeavor even though I am very challenged when it comes to reading and writing. I have dyslexia (and sundry panic attacks that accompany it) being finally identified as so just eight years ago. Yup … lots of fun discoveries in my late 50s – dyslexia and DID!!! Anyway, I do believe that my insiders have had a larger and more significant role in my writing over the past five years. I can see their hand in what I write to wonderful effect from my perspective – much like you are describing with singers that you have known with DID.
In response to your question Kathy, I wish that I was a singer but I do not have that caliber of talent and am way too shy to express myself that way. I come from a very musically talented and artistic family (both my father’s and mother’s side). I did not measure up on either count to the shame and criticism of my parents. Oh and my main abuser was a professional “singer” who could also be crushingly critical of my efforts.
That having been said, I have always loved music and art. From ukulele and recorder as a 10 year old to the guitar, banjo and clarinet (in my high school band) as a teenager, music and art were my obsessions that kept me alive. I could escape through my art and music. But, while they were my heart passions, they were also another means for my family to diminish me. Eventually, I let both passions fade and drift out of my life.
Last fall I had a friend accompany me to a music store to buy a new guitar. And, I bought myself a whole bunch of art supplies. I wanted to give myself the chance to express myself in art and music once more for me … just for me. I must admit that I have been paralyzed to do so and my new guitar sits unused and the art supplies unopened.
But oh what wonder this blog posting has been … a precious gift to me in so many wonderfully layered ways. I am just seeing my words for myself at this moment. I have tried to express myself alone all of my life and gave up under the weight of the words and deeds of others. But I am not alone any more. I have my orchestra to back me up and my creative muses to inspire me. Whatever I create will be from my whole heart not fragments of self as in the past. It does not matter what it sounds like or what it looks like … because it will be from all of ME+WE this time around. How incredible it is to embrace this gift of self.
I hope that others here feel inspired to find their inner passions once more whatever they may be and to explore your life dream from the multi-dimensions of true self. Oh what wondrous music we can make and beautiful pictures we can create.
Oh … and I do hope that you reformat your piano CD Kathy. I would love the opportunity to hear your heart music there.
Sincere regard,
ME+WE
06/08/18
I liked this analogy too.
To me it speaks of integration. Because for an orchestra to work, it isn’t one part in front while the others are silenced and and then the next part in front while they others are silenced. In an orchestra, all or many of the the different parts are usually playing in a very co-ordinated and organized way together, at the same time. In your analogy as the singer in front and supported by the orchestra, you have painted the perfect picture of what integration would look like and be like.
Keep that vision and great things will happen for you and your system, I’m sure! 🙂
Hi Neo,
Thank you so much for offering your mix on my score (to keep the musical metaphor going here … hahaha). And oh my … yes integration … that is exactly on pitch. Each instrument is unique and has a melody to play. But, the real magic happens when they all play their parts in unison. That is the resounding richness and fullness of the harmony of life.
BTW – so nice to hear your voice here Neo. ☺
ME+WE
06/11/18
It is so good when everyone gets along and be friends. 🌼
Everybody should get a chance to talk. And play. And talk to your therapist.
Even if they have to be in a long line to wait for their chance to talk. Everybody should get a turn.
And everyone should be nice inside. And give each other flowers. 🌷 Amd stickers maybe.Or stuffed animals.
And everybody should get a chance to say how they be and what be going on. And everybody should listen. And have there feelings. And not feel alone.Becuse its important. and then everybody can have a chance to be happy. becase that be important to🌸
that other girl used to ignore us
her tried to
he started knowing we were there when her was 6 in kindergarten
but then her would shake her head to make us go away
and in college her would here us lots
but her wouldnt talk to us or let us talk.
then when her wanted to start talking to us this dum therapist we had wouldnt talk to us
her made only that girl talk to her not us
we used to be so mad
and her would cut and burn and do all sorts of bad things to make us go away
but here we be aneyway
it maked us sad
we fited lots
but NOW her be gone and we be here
and we get to talk and we happyer and we dont ignore each other.
not is ONLY be us
we dont got any outside real pepol around us so we take care of arselfs.
wendy
we take all of her pain and carry on our shoulders and there it sits. jodie.
Hi Kathy,
Ditto everything said by SeekingOurFreedom.
I am working on learning about and paying attention to all my parts. Right now, I am (“littles” are) suffering terribly, after getting to see our t yesterday. I can hardly write this. I have to figure out how to reduce our suffering, just the thought of going 6 more days without seeing my t again feels practically unbearable!
I know I have coping tools. I need to write them on a list, so when I’m dissociated and in so much pain, like now, I can just go down the list, pick and choose, what I can do that would be most helpful. Maybe there is one, here at DD, that I don’t know about? (I will look, and will start to write one for me, but I think it might be helpful if I read it on DD. This would help me to feel less alone.) I don’t like to feel alone when I feel like this. I will work on helping my “littles” to feel less alone.
Thank you,
We love you already, <3
naturluvr
Yet another great post Kathy thanks for writing it.
The song “guardian” by Alanis Morissette comes to mind here. When i first heard that song it resonated so deeply and i never looked at my insiders the same way again. They have been my guardian for life. Now its time to be theirs…
Today was a reiteration for me of how important that is too. I re-met a 1-2ishyr old in my dreams this morning and she lingered all day. “I” was barely around, my regulars and other kids were hosting mostly today, but i knew she (and we all) needed tender love and care. So that’s what we did. We watched safe tv shows, we ate yummy foods, we even hand fed wild magpies in our back yard! They let us lay on the grass right up in their face an everything!. We took some pics of our flowers and found a little finch feather our resident wild finches have left for us. We walked our girls and did a ton of self talk and sought reassurance from our other half when my words weren’t enough alone for the frightened little’s. I heard their worries, their fears and i acted on them. I did whatever i could and will continue to do whatever i can to help the others and help them with their pain; cos you’re right. They need a turn to feel safe, nurtured and goodness and comfort. God knows they deserve it.
Its a long process to get to a point where doing this comes naturally, but i’m kinda proud to say we’re pretty much there now. Thanks for this reminder to stick with it and the importance of it. I often forget just how vital this step is in healing and how important and deserving even the quietest ones inside are.
There’s a quote i love by Hemmingway that says ““You are so brave and quiet I forget you are suffering.” — i have to remind myself that although quiet, although small. They ARE suffering! And the only person who can help them is me. It’s the least i can do.
Oh such an encouraging post that is, Astrie !! Thank you.
And you are so right… providing that comfort and gentleness and tenderness and grounding in-the-now stuff — so so so important, and really really beautiful to hear. Thank you for sharing that, and I really hope that this can be an encouragement to others reading here who are still learning these skills.
And I hope your tiny little one is feeling a little bit better now ?? She clearly was able to trust you enough to spend the day with you, and that’s really wonderful. I’m really really pleased to hear you took the day to do exactly what she needed. Really well done.
So of course, I’m wondering if that made the next day easier ?? Or just how did things progress for both you and her after your quiet day of calming, and comforting?
I wasn’t familiar with that Alanis Morissette song, but wow — it’s definitely a great one to listen to re: system care! Thanks for sharing that one.
Sending friendy waves your way…
Kathy
Sorry i’m only just seeing this now. But yeah, the next day things were much better. Been a bit up and down but here atm, with shuffling of people behind the scenes but yeah, things are pretty much better and much calmer after i take the time out to give what they need. I have a playlist i use that seems to help everyone. Even if it is the same 6 to 8 songs on repeat for hours hahaha. Moral of the story i guess- give em what they need and it gets better 😉
This is so good, so thought-provoking, and I can feel that my insiders love it too. It makes us want to hug you!
I don’t ever try to force any of my insiders to talk to me but I always listen when they do. Some of them talk to me and have shared the difficult times, the traumas. Others talk to me but don’t share what has happened and others again won’t talk at all. Some are scared that I will leave if they tell me about the bad stuff. I think some are scared I will reject them. They’re all very protective of me.
I wasn’t present when the worst things were happening. My insiders made sure I survived and that is an amazing gift. I have tried many times before to escape the reality of what happened; going round it, over it, under it, running away, trying to disappear, trying to make it disappear. None of that ever works. The only way is through it, little by little. I’m not perfect. I’ve made mistakes and will undoubtedly make more but I know that together, as a team, we’re stronger.
Thank you, Kathy, for your words. I think the ripple effects will be felt for quite some time. It’s like you reached out and touched our heart. Some of my insiders, who felt far away, seem a little closer now.
SeekingOurFreedom
06/07/2018
Thank you, SeekingOurFreedom.
I’m quite fond of hugs, so I’d gladly have a hug, any day. I just hope it’s okay to hug you back. 🙂
And wow, as I read, and re-read what you’ve written, you’ve truly heard what I was saying, and you clearly are hearing what your insiders are saying too. Very inspirational comment!! What beautiful gentle kindness and acceptance you are showing your system. Because yes, yes, yes… everyone needs to talk at their own time, at their own speed, and it’s not necessarily going to be the same for everyone. Probably won’t be!
I really really really like that you’ve clearly understood how much your insiders have been there for you, and that now you all are working as a team. Mistakes are okay — everyone makes them. No one blames you for wanting to escape the reality of what happened. If only none of it had happened! But your determination to continue, and the love and respect you have for your people, and your willingness to listen to them — THAT’s what proves that you will be able to heal and grow stronger as a team.
Thank you for posting this… it warms my heart to hear it. And I really really do hope that those ones who were a little further away have the courage and the reassurance to come a few steps closer. What a fantastic response from them — really really happy to hear that, and I very much want to send a warm hello their way. 🙋
Keep up with all the good work — well done!
Warmly,
Kathy
We like hugs too – when we feel safe with someone – and it would definitely be ok, more than ok, for you to hug us back.
Since reading this post and your comment, there’s a little one, who has never spoken to me, and she asks (non-verbally) to sit with me. This has been happening every day and every day I make time for her. I tell her that I’m here, that I’m listening if she wants to tell me anything and that I’m not going anywhere. Each day, she sits a little closer. I hope she feels safe enough to talk some time soon…
SeekingOurFreedom
06/18/2018