My Mother Would Say to You — Help One Another.
It’s back that time of year when it’s all about mothers. Mother’s Day is fast approaching, and everywhere you look, there are reminders and tributes and commercials and advertisements for mothers.
I was blessed with a beautiful, kind, self-less, hard-working mother, who provided a wonderful childhood for her 4 children. I had to share my mother with three younger brothers — ( yes, I had 3 pesky little brothers to deal with!!! ) — but being the only girl, I also got to have many special and heart-warming times with my mom.
I’ll be forever thankful and grateful for my mother, and every time I see her, we’ll continue to do something special. (She lives in Canada, and I live in Australia, so you know… those times are extra special now, considering the distance we travel to have time together.).
I don’t know anyone who doesn’t like my mom. She is truly a beautiful soul. She’s also a goof-ball, and maybe one day I’ll share some of her silliness as well. I won’t digress right now, but yeah… my mom is a funny one.
But, with all her wonderful traits…. my mom’s lifelong dedication to helping others — and teaching others to help others — has forever and always been etched in my mind as one of her very best qualities.
One of the earliest songs I remember being taught by my mother had the words “Help one another, help one another” repeated over and over. I think this song was her own creation, and really, she sings it because she believes it. I’ve heard her sing this song to dozens and dozens of young children. And considering that she was a kindergarten teacher in a big school for decades, I can’t even imagine how many children have heard this same little song.
My mother truly believes in helping other people, and she has lived her entire life, willingly, and happily, helping one person, after another, after another, after another. Being a teacher, she felt strongly about teaching others to be helpful. She has lived it, by her own example, but she actively teaches it to others, even to this very day.
So I suppose… a big part of my mom’s legacy was her helping me, and teaching me the importance of being helpful. Which of course, would have had direct impact on my choices, which lead to years of my helping you. And now….. you are here, reading this, and learning from my mother as well. And now it’s your turn to help yours.
Yep, I’m willing to share MY mom’s gentle wisdom with you.
And I really hope that you take that in, and let her helpful spirit impact and change your life as well.
I guarantee you, that if you approach the children in your system with the same gentle, generous, kind, helpful manner that my mom has, you’ll make HUGE steps in your healing.
Because why would a child not respond to gentle loving kindness?? Really, that’s what children need most in the first place.
You can call it DID System Work, or you can call it “Being Kind and Helpful just like Kathy’s Momma”.
EVERY single DID survivor I have spoken to, at some point or another, has had child parts that they avoided. Like really avoided. Would not go near that child. Could not go near that child. Refused to go near that child.
Every single time.
There’s some little one in there — or maybe a bunch of little ones in there — that feel too scary, or too dirty, or too traumatized, or too far away, or too loud, or too angry, or too sad, or too scared….
The list of “reasons to avoid those child parts” could go on for a very long time.
And I understand how difficult and enormously painful it is to approach those child parts who hold such difficult and painful information. I know it hurts, and I know you’d rather NOT know the bad news or crushing memories that are attached to those child parts.
I get that. I understand it’s hard. And painful.
But I’ve been taught by my mom that we are supposed to help each other. ( Help one another, help one another ….)
We aren’t supposed to turn a blind eye when someone is struggling — we are supposed to do something about it — ESPECIALLY when that child is your own child.
“Help one another, help one another.” (Can you hear a funny little Canadian woman singing that ??).
Practice listening for it — pretty soon, you’ll be able to hear it too.
What happens when we help each other?
When we help each other, we can work together to get rid of the problem — whatever the problem is.
If you have child parts stuck in dirt and mud and filth, by helping them, you can give that child a better life and a better sense of self.
If you have child parts who are hungry, you can overcome the years of neglect and starvation that they felt.
If you have a child who is cold, you can warm them with layers of clothing and soft fuzzy blankets or gentle bear hugs.
If you have a child who is hurting, you can help them get safe and to heal from their wounds.
What’s stopping you????
What makes it hard to help others in your system ????
Examine Your Fears of Helping
So if you haven’t already helped every single one of your insiders get to a better place in both your outside world AND your inside internal world, what’s that about?
Why is it hard to help them?
Chances are that on some level, you actually do agree with my mom — that helping people who need help is an important thing to do.
So…. If you agree with that concept, and you believe in helping people who have been hurt, and if you have a system full of folks who have been hurt…..
But it’s hard to help them……
What do we do then?
My best advice, at this point, is to examine your fears, and find the obstacles. Look honestly at your motives, and your thinking. What is the real reason you are avoiding helping others in your system?
Some Common Obstacles
Let me list out a few of the most common obstacles I hear about when people say they don’t want to — or can’t, or won’t — help their insiders:
- I don’t know how to help them.
- I’m scared of them, and scared of their memories.
- They are bad kids — it was their own fault they were hurt.
- I don’t like kids (teenagers, adults, men, women…. Fill in the blank).
- They deserved to be hurt.
- I don’t wanna know.
- I would rather die than know the truth about my abuse history.
- I want to hurt myself more when I hear how I have been hurt by others.
- I don’t know where they are. I can’t see them. I can’t get near them.
- They belong to the abusers, not me.
- I’m not strong enough to help them.
- I’m not big enough to help them.
- They are too mean — they don’t need any help.
- They hurt me too many times already, so I’m not going to help them.
- It won’t do any good anyway — they’ll never change.
Do any of those 15 excuses ring a bell for you?
Have you ever thought that, in one form or another?
What 15 other “causes for resistance” can you add to this list?
And what can you do to FIX your resistance ???
Start right here. Start by challenging your very own thinking.
WHY do you believe that? And if you don’t actually “believe” it, why are you following that pattern in your life?
Where are you blocked, and why are you blocked there?
Get freedom in your thinking, so you can easily make other decisions, and take more effective action steps.
What does it take for you to CHOOSE and DECIDE to help your others?
Back to What My Momma Taught YOU ….
Now…. What did my momma teach you?
My momma says to help one another.
Why? Because it’s HELPFUL.
And it’s good. And it makes everybody’s life better. And it’s the right thing to do. And when people’s needs are met, things really go soooooo much smoother in life.
A Coincidental Timing
I didn’t plan to release the Saddest Little Bear Dissoci-ACTION Story Pack at the same week as Mother’s Day. If you’ve been reading this blog for awhile, you know I’ve been saying it for months and months already, lol.
Yes, yes, the Story Pack did just finally get finished, but the timing for “Mother’s Day” was NOT on the agenda, and definitely not intentional.
I’ll admit — at first I was irritated when I realized that such an important day was here right here upon us exactly when I wanted to introduce the Saddest Little Bear! Hmmmmph!
I thought about it, and I realized that this was still a perfect time for the Saddest Little Bear.
Because the Saddest Little Bear Dissoci-ACTION Story Pack is all about helping others in your system.
It’s all about following my mother’s advice to “Help one another.”
In FACT ……. My mother HELPED to make the Little Bear Story Pack, so her goodness, and her blessings, and her gentleness, and her care is sitting there in this little bear pack. My momma really is helping to teach you and your system and your little ones.
So when I say that I wanna share my mother’s wisdom with you, just know that 100%, she’s there in the Bear’s Story Pack too.
How it Gets Better …
The difficult complexities in your system really will get better when you help each other with gentleness and compassion.
I’ve had that message taught to me my whole life long, and I can GUARANTEE…..
Approaching a child with helpfulness, is much much much more effective than leaving a child neglected, ignoring the abuse, or not meeting their normal, basic needs.
Your system needs your help.
AND then you will all feel better. Together.
I wish you all the best, in a very helpful healing journey.
Copyright © 2008-2018 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation