I was given a great idea by one of the readers here at Discussing Dissociation:
I would love to see a thread/topic here that really didn’t have any topic other than maybe people connecting or checking in if they wanted to. Maybe even about things that have nothing to do with DID. It would be nice to have a spot where we could just be our normal complicated selves. “I just made the best pot of chicken soup.” “Today I went for a hike.” “The snowfall this morning was so lovely.”
There aren’t many places where we can just be us and not have a problem be the focus of the connection.
So that’s what this thread is for….
Feel free to write whatever you wanna write in the Comments section below, and this thread can just be about your “normal complicated selves”!
Enjoy, and please feel free to write lots!
Due to the overwhelming response on this page,
we’ve reached an amazing 1055 comments on this page !!
But….because it was not loading correctly,
we have moved over to
Our Normal Complicated Selves , page 2 —
CLICK HERE !!
GOOD NEWS UPDATE:
The 1055 comments on this page are NOW able to be seen!
YAY YAY YAY for our computer-tech gal!
You will notice, waaaaaaaay down at the bottom of the page, under the last comment, that there are now one or two new links.
One link is for “Older Comments”. And one link is for “Newer Comments”
If you don’t see the “New Comments” link, you are already looking at the newest comment. The newest comments do get posted at the bottom of the page, so… as backwards as that feels, that’s where the newest comment sits — underneath the last comment posted before that.
Once you click the Older Comments link, you’ll move to a new page of comments that were written earlier.
Clicking the links at the bottom off the various pages will allow you to see all 1055 comments on this page!!
That’s super exciting news to me, because there have been some fabulous conversations in this area. And by making these comments “reachable” again, we’ve kept all our treasured words available to read again. YAY!!
THANK YOU for writing — it’s genuinely so very good to hear from you.
Please continue to let this place be part of your healing journey.
Warmly,
Kathy
Copyright © 2008-2021 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
DK here. Haven’t posted in a long time. I miss you guys
Hi Dk,
This is a great place eh?!
Not sure if you know but we overloaded this space and Kathy created a new space for us called … Still Our Normal Complicated Selves (there is a link above).
Sure does show how much we need to talk with one another. Who knows best what we are dealing with than other DID folks. Just to be able to talk with other DID folks is awesome for me. I do not know any DID folks in real life (whatever real life is … hahaha).
ME+WE
08/21/21
Hi Friends!
Update here.
I’ve been taking Guitar and Piano since January (meet my current therapy, not discounting my cat who is currently cuddling on my lap). I just finished my 2nd semester’s final and am attempting to repeat the second semester, not because I received a bad grade (I didn’t) but because it was one of those super-intense semesters. All of the Guitar B students are planning on repeating the course because we all felt that it was like taking a drink from a fire hose: just way too much information, way too fast. We need time to process it all and get it a bit more under our belts. I’d also like to take Class Piano in the mornings before I go off to work. Then next January, I’m hoping to enroll in the Guitar Ensemble course. I’m hoping to have sufficient skills to keep up with the ensemble competently.
I’m also hoping to get involved with a program called “Guitars, Not Guns”. The program teaches children and teenagers to play guitar so that they have something constructive to do with their time. The idea is to keep them off the streets and out of gangs by teaching them to play music and get them involved with playing gigs in bands that they start up themselves rather than turning to gangs to feel included in someone’s lives.
In the meantime, our city had a MAJOR storm at the end of May. We had 1-2 feet of hail on the ground after hailing for a minimum of 30 minutes. The hail damaged the roof, let water into the building, and collapsed the ceiling in two places. The water-removal people came in and had fans and dehydration units running for 3 weeks straight, and then the demolition people came in and took out the damaged walls, ceilings, and floor. Today we are meeting with the contractor to discuss what to do next: what the insurance will cover and what it won’t, what we need to do next, what our options are as far as replacement shower unit, ceiling, floor tiles, and etc are concerned. Monday the insurance is coming to fight everything that they’ve already authorized. (Don’t ask me why they don’t trust the folks that they sent to give us the first estimate, but they don’t. Go figure!) We had just barely installed brand-new carpet when the storm hit, but we were blessed–the majority of the water went down the shower unit and onto the tiled floor. We didn’t get so much as a drop of water on the new carpet!
In the library where I work our Summer Reading Program is in full swing, keeping us extremely busy. We are run off our feet every day. On Wednesday, some folks from an animal rehabilitation center came in with his wild critters. As a result, WE GOT TO HOLD A RED-TAILED HAWK!!! (Sorry for yelling; my littles are quite excited about that. The presenter also brought in a male lemur who was so excited to be in new surroundings that his handler quipped to him: “Will you please calm down and pretend that you are well-behaved?” The lemur kept jumping from table to table as he explored. He also brought a baby (capuchin?) monkey and we got to pet it as well. It mad funny churring noises–oh, so sweet! The presenter said he will put us in contact with a raptor rehabilitation program, as we would like to learn how to handle and help the birds of prey.
Today is Mid-Summer’s Day, which ends my trigger season for the year. (It typically runs March through early July). If I can get through this next week, I’ll be doing well. In the meantime, I’m just filling my life with music and keeping myself busy at work in the attempt to keep the triggers down. This year has been the best in many years, ever since 2012 when we first learned that we are multiple. We got triggered while on a camping trip in late June, our youngest multiple came out a few days later, preventing us from even knowing how to get dressed. The rest came out in rapid succession and we began looking for a T and a p-doc to help us get through the aftermath of that very bad trigger. It was several really rough years, but we were blessed with a good T who helped us learn about what was happening to us, helped us learn how to deal with the situation, with Kathy’s awesome Discussing Dissociation Page, with a good P-doc, and now with a good new T (because our beloved T Judy retired 2 years ago). Our new T helped us reach our introjects and give them new ways to protect the system, so now they are our saviours instead of our tormentors.
So, that’s what’s up with us. Perhaps after getting the house fixed up and saving for a piano, we can join the paid Discussing Dissociation Board. But for now, we will maintain contact here.
<3 Caro
Thanks for the update Rocio Caro and the encouragement…..there are so many things we would like to try to do as well…but at this point we just get “overwhelmed” by it all and it fades out…..you are actually following through with them….gives me hope that we will get “squared away” enough to follow through as well……also the bit about “reaching the introjects” is encouraging…..hope for us yet!!
So sorry about all the storm damage…but glad about your carpet!! Hope things work out in your favor with the insurance company……
MissyMing
06/22/19
Anybody ever noticed, when you are flying most high, it seem the devil sends his “angels” to knock you out of the sky?
Naturluvr
1/9/19
Yup
Hi Sissy,
Thanks for responding. AND your response just made me realize I wrote this. I hadn’t remembered.
I don’t know what part wrote this, because usually I would add that I don’t believe in the devil. To me, this is just a figure of speech to say that sometimes it seems when I’ve moved forward, and am happy about most everything, after not being… when I actually get on top of the mountain, after a grueling climb, something comes to shoot me down. I’m not usually so pessimistic and I’m often careful with what I say. So, I’m guessing that’s coming from one of my parts I don’t know too much about… maybe my 16 year old.
Naturluvr that is the way I. Took the post. When everything seem good something comes along and swipe our feet out from us. So it’s not even that we just feel a little . It’s totally down.
Am so stressed out , this pushing and shoving of parts gets exhausting , is anyone else who experiences this, learning to to blend or overshare such big emotions and memories but its like a big overshare ,
This get this over with becomes so overwhelming.
Thanks
Stressedout
I push people out so I have a turn at talking or doing something ir I get frustrated when some doesn’t have the right answers. So my therapist is trying to get me to ask first. Sometimes I can but mostly I can not yet. When I do I feel happy but nobody every notices when I do. Once we use a talking stick. The person who had the stick gets to talk and nobody else.
Stressedout, we love the word “yet” the way you used it! You’re learning a new skill. “Yet” is so hopeful. Yay! 12/6/18
Hi Stressed out,
I think that a lot of heads were nodding in affirmation reading your posting. The overwhelm of information coming at you can feel … well … overwhelming! The funny thing is that you get this DID diagnosis so you start to understand that there are insiders who have been holding on to information for you and living parts of your life. You also know that, in order to heal, you have to start building communication with these insiders and hear what they have to tell you. The dam bursts and a tsunami of life comes rushing at you and it feels like too much.
My T is fond of telling me that my subconscious will only give me as much as I can take. So, despite my fears of going crazy, that will not happen. But, she has also taught me to regulate the information coming out. So, all of my insiders have file boxes of information to give to me (colour-coded or tagged by each insider). I cannot possibly take in all of the information at once. That would be like walking into a library and trying to read all of the books at once.
The boxes are stored in a big storage room now. It used to be just a shelf when I first started but it grew. If stuff comes up in my T session, I always get to put it back in the box and put it on a shelf for the next time out. In other words, I acknowledge that all of this stuff is there for me to know and understand but I do not have to do it all at once or carry it with me between sessions if I do not want to or feel that I cannot cope.
My T also told me that I will not have to look closely at the contents of absolutely every box. That was a BIG relief!!! She said that, often when we deal with healing a big trauma (or series of traumas), the ones that are connected to that trauma get healed as well. In other words, we do not have to specifically tackle each and every one. I was skeptical but it does seem to be the case for me to my relief.
I cannot always keep all of the boxes on the shelf or control insiders wanting to take them down between sessions or arguments about who’s box we will look at, etc. And, certainly I am working on my stuff and feeling my stuff between sessions. But, It does give a sense of control and compartmentalization so I do not feel overwhelmed.
Now, I usually let my insiders sort out who will talk in session (if anyone). There usually is a lot of switching between insiders. I also meditate each morning and invite whoever wants to talk to me to do so. Just them having that opportunity seems to calm them down for the day. I really like Jessie’s idea of the Talking Stick!!! I will use that idea for sure.
I hope that this addresses your question Stressed out and helps a little. At the very least, you can know that you are not alone or crazy having this struggle.
ME+WE
12/07/18
Polarization
I’m so sorry. I forgot who I was speaking to and could not find the posts. I just wanted to say that when my life settles down a little bit (maybe when I get some home time?), I will find the information I had on this subject, and share it. I know a lot about this subject but I’m not in contact with that part of me.
Sorry & Thanks for your understanding.
Naturluvr
10/12/18
Hi Me+We,
Glad you are home and getting grounded!
“Not sure why this time out to my mother’s house was so hugely stressful and triggering more than other times other than the barriers to life are coming down and I am letting myself see … really see and feel.” Totally! I find my life is much harder now that I’m actually feeling. Ha-ha! In the past, I didn’t need to feel because my parts would take over. I’d be in denial, using drugs (mostly nicotine and caffeine), and drinking alcohol every evening. I think the truth in a life like ours is extra, extra, difficult to face. Actually, everybody’s REAL life is difficult to face (suppressed and repressed stuff) that’s why there are so many defense mechanisms (denial, distracting, displacement, intellectualism, etc.) humongous drug use (over the counter, prescribed, and on the street), drinking, partying, gambling, pornography… addictions galore, materialism– another addiction acquiring…accumulating…hoarding), illness, and massive emotional phobia.
I’mean SO grateful to everyone who’s doing therapy and working on their stuff because this is how the world will become a better place. So proud of you, Me+We! And all at DD.
So glad you can carry us with you . That’s awesome. I, too, feel so much better in life knowing that you all are here for me.
“{{{{{{{One of my insiders}}}}}}}} wrote here about their trauma being at my mom’s house. I usually am not happy when they do such things but this time … well, I am happy that they feel safe enough with all of you to say what they were feeling. Thank you all for that.” Hugs to your insider!!! Great job!!! <3 <3 <3
"Lots going on here. I am WAY behind. Not sure if I will catch up or if that is even necessary." NOPE. Whatever you and your insider's want to do is absolutely perfect.
I'm often so tired at the end of the night and my brain is swimming, I can barely read & write.
So glad your family visit is over, friend!
Naturluvr <3
10/12/18
Hi All,
Thank you for your kind words, insight and caring dear friends. I want to give a special shout out and {{{hugs}}} to KenKen, Naturluvr, MultipleMe, DK, HazelE, Sissy and Claire (behind the scenes). I do hope that I have not forgotten anyone here. Trying to look back at postings and getting a little lost. Your thoughtful postings helped me more than I can possibly express. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
ME+WE
10/14/18
Hello Friends,
I am home and getting grounded. Not sure why this time out to my mother’s house was so hugely stressful and triggering more than other times other than the barriers to life are coming down and I am letting myself see … really see and feel. Blinders off! Even a childhood friend visiting who I have not seen in 14 years (and who lives far away now) back to remind me of the past. Well, just a major crash that has been brewing for some time.
You know, knowing that you are all here and on my side really helped me to be authentic at my mom’s house and to feel what I needed to feel. I just knew that I was not alone there because you folks were all there with me watching my back. That gave me strength to be just genuine me in all of my pain and memories. What a healing journey. Not done yet but so important.
One of my insiders wrote here about their trauma being at my mom’s house. I usually am not happy when they do such things but this time … well, I am happy that they feel safe enough with all of you to say what they were feeling. Thank you all for that.
Lots going on here. I am WAY behind. Not sure if I will catch up or if that is even necessary. Just so much wonderful dialogue going on here. You folks are so incredible. You give so openly and wholly of your selves, your wisdom, your vulnerabilities, your compassion, your time, your caring, your you! You are such a beacon of hope one and all. We are not alone friends. We are an incredible collection of multiples who are changing the world!
ME+WE
10/09/18
I saw your insider’s post and was too low on resources to respknd, but I’m super glad that you feel ok about letting them have that space. I hope they found it helpful, too, to know they had someplace to name what was happening and maybe know that people here get it.
I don’t ever go back to the places that I came from, but I fall apart with even smaller reminders, like seeing a picture or hearing a voice. I can only imagine what would happen if I did what you do – give yourself tons of credit for surviving that. I’m glad that you feel like you have folks on your side through that.
I don’t feel like I’m any good at supportive, thoughtful replies lately (I used to be a pro!). But know that my clumsy words are still meant to be something better. I always wonder what words a person needs most in each moment, because it changes so much for me. I always want to find it, but in the absence of that is at least the intention to be supportive.
ME+WE,
I am so glad you are beginning to feel more grounded! Sometimes I feel like the world is spinning. You are so brave to work through some of those memories, and come out ok in the end. Sometimes I feel like I can be “good” for a while, and then BOOM, downward spiral.
I think you are brave, and kind, and compassionate, and I appreciate you so, ME+WE. This journey can sometimes be very topsy turvy, and you and this community are helping me make sense of the chaos.
We had a meltdown last night b/c the therapist wants to refer me and has been canceling our appt. a lot. Now she wants to refer me on but I can’t drive 2-3 hours to see someone else. I am having a phone therapy hour today, so I am hoping to convince her otherwise without sounding too desperate.
So last night’s fun was a total system shut downDK due to being possibly “referred on” over fights in the schedule and consistency on her part, and boundaries on mine. So we hope things go better because the thought of starting over scares the hell out of my system and I am afraid we will become in crises. Yet again.
Keep on shining, ME+ME. You’ve got this!!!
Caro,
I’m so sorry for the loss of your furry beloved kitty, Missy Cleopatra.
>’ . ‘< Losing a loved-one is so hard. My heart goes out to you and yours. <3.
(Remember, even though they fought, Shadow kitty will be going through the bereavement process, also. Give him/her extra love and attention, as I'm sure you will.)
Naturluvr <3
10/11/18
Me+We
Someday I hope that all of us that are still tethered to family members will be cut free. Our therapist say the father as brainwashed Us and still uses his manipulating ways to still control us.
In a few weeks this body will be going on a 800 mile ride to meet up with a brother to drop off the father. 6m outof the year we do not have to worry about him showing up at our home. anticipating of the roadtrip is starting to build. It is definitely a team effort to get through this. We do this 2x a year Once for drop off and once for pick up.
Hanging on by the skin of my teeth. Going home tomorrow morning. Need to get away. Not so bad but lots of triggers — lots of triggers. Trashed by mother last night in front of the family. Nephew sent me something today to try and cheer me up. Haven’t looked at it yet. Mother not meaning in some ways but neglectful of me and my feelings in all ways … as usual. Sister … well … not much help there. I am jumping out of my skin. Jumping out of my skin. Lots of triggers just lots of triggers. Lots of talk about abuser in a kindly fashion. Nauseous and ready to run. Just a few hours left to go to big sleep and then escape.
(((Me+We)))
Im so sorry. Sleep as much as you can and get outta there. Sending you kind warm soft gentle hugs.
Aww dear ME+WE,
I saw your name in lower caps, and I just knew you probably were having a rough time of it. Like maybe you feel small and used now that you’ve been with family? Are all the old feelings coming up? I agree with KenKen…get OUTTA there! It makes me so mad to hear how you’ve been treated. Why did this even have to happen? You are such a gracious person. Then to find out you’re being obliterated verbally by the mother!? Nope…don’t like that at all. Triggers galore…you will need a soothing time period off from everything to recover, or a spa day or something nice!
I’m so glad you had the strength to write and let us know how you’re doing. If you need some strength to make it through, you can borrow some of mine! If you can’t make it through, that’s okay too, because we’re here to support you and help as much as we can.
Be free.
MultipleMe
10/9/18
HazelE, I liked the first new trauma T and not the second one. The first uses mirroring and validation after I speak, and she’s super nice. The second one was very “businesslike.” Both come highly recommended and my goal is a better working relationship, so I’ll likely go with the one I liked better.
I’m excited to start over. Leave the baggage at the door and blaze bold new trails. I sound kinda pie-in-the-sky!
ME+WE, how neat that we’re both experimenting with our present body sensations. We can be body buddies!
Right now my arms are tired. I just drew a pretty bird and colored it and did some arm exercises earlier. My feet are pooped from strengthening exercises. I keep spraining them from not being in my body when I go for walks, so it’s rehab time! I’m thirsty.
I feel stuck. I tried reading book about male survivors of childhood sexual abuse, and turmoil set in: female part was a little perplexed, especially since she had just painted her toenails before we started reading. I guess I need to be one of the males to read that book. Also other parts from other trauma times were concerned about using our energy on that trauma (as opposed to theirs). Oh do we have lots to tell T!!
Anyone have advice for this kind of impasse? Thanks. 💕 9/30/18
TClark,
My question to you would be; why do you only need to read about male sexual abuse? I am a male in a female body. I would not like it if we were limited to just reading about female. The body is female. I think when it comes to Dissociation identity disorder, That would be more the topic then just male sexual abuse . You have stated that you have female parts so in my opinion read about both. I feel that both would be more helpful for the entire body as a whole . Well gaining the knowledge about each part as individual and not group them into on Stereotype
Do I matter? A recurring thought in my head is do I matter? Does anyone care what happens to me? Does anyone care if I die? Would they even notice?
We had a fight with a therapist. A child part asked for a present for her birthday and now the therapist is saying “boundaries, boundaries, boundaries” you have poor social skills, etc. A cHILD said this so now our feelings are hurt. I asked her why not say it right then? She ignored us all weekend and then when she talked to us again she was very short with us.
We feel rejected and ignored. We don’t know what to make of it all. We feel bad but we just want to feel close to her again. She is helping us a lot and we feel lost when we don’t get to talk to her. We are feeling lost right now. Feeling a little “ghosted” I am not sure.
Our birthday is coming up, and we just feel so insignifant and lost. My grandma used to send us money for our birthday. Not mom or dad will call us. Dad was the abuser. Mom didn’t know, we think. We are feeling just sad and abandoned; despite being married and having kids.
Hi DK,
Yes, you absolutely, super-do, without a doubt, do matter. You matter to me. And you matter to all of us here at DD. It just wouldn’t be the same without you. I know we’re still getting to know each other, but I surely want to get to know you better. I’m sorry you had a fight with the therapist. Darn it when that happens! It is normal because you both are human, but hopefully things will smooth over soon. It is not your fault; you did nothing wrong, and it probably could have been handled a bit better on the part of the therapist from what it sounds like. Could you tell him/her what that felt like to be rejected in such a way? Or write a letter and hand it to the therapist? All things considered, it just isn’t fair and I really, really, REALLY hope you can see it doesn’t mean you don’t matter.
And I’m super happy for you that your birthday is coming up!!! Yay! You began your first breath in this world that day. You became a super important and precious little baby, who grew to who you are now, a special, beautiful soul, who contributes so much to DD and the world itself. You were made carefully and uniquely and so preciously that I hope you can see how awesome that is. There is no one like you in the whole wide world and that is special. And how about time for new memories and connections for the birthday? Have a ceremony saying goodbye to the old and welcome in the new memories. Write down all the bad connected to the birthday and burn it. Then go ahead and be free to make new memories. I am going to try that for my birthday this year (in January).
You are valued and cared for here.
Sorry for the long response. Hehehe
MultipleMe
10/3/18
MultipleMe,
I just saw this response, you are too kind! We really hit a low point on our birthday this year, but thankfully all has been worked out, and I am feeling heard and appreciated. I think the therapist having her own “issues” come up was just REALLY bad timing, and it created a meltdown on my part. If anything, it has shown me maybe I am over relying on her to help me through so much, and I need to remember I do have my friends here at DD, and a mentor, a husband, and friends to do things with that also make me feel special too.
My main trigger is feeling ignored, and when the T wouldn’t take my calls we were really hurt and took it personal. It turns out she had her own “stuff” to take care of her emotional and mental health; it wasn’t personal at all. She felt I was relying on her too much and got concerned about me learning my coping skills and about blurring boundary lines.
We are happy because the family said happy birthday this weekend, and we had a fancy dinner and got some new clothes to celebrate after all.
So thank you again, I am doing better, just my feelings got hurt (as no family called for my birthday), and just FB posts to me and it stung a bit. I guess that is the day/age that we live in now, eh?
Thank you to all the folks at DD. I do feel valued here, and I love to “catch up” with everyone on here. -DK 10/9/
Tried a new trauma therapist yesterday. Trying another new one today. Trying for a better connection and maybe a more organized approach. Fortunate to live in a metro area with a bevy of DID specialists.
I really liked her yesterday. Very respectful and validating.
While in-patient, my individual therapy focused on what are body sensations? What are feelings? What is the difference?
What a gift to be able to start at the beginning! Trying to notice and name sensations and feelings and realize they pass.
My biggest trigger right now is empathically feeling my outside teenagers’ feelings.
I’m trying to go out of the house other than therapy once per week. Scary! 9/28/18
Did you like the therapist you saw? You are lucky to have lots of options! I live in a place with a few people, but it was really hard to find someone willing to see me when I needed to switch a while ago.
Getting to know a new therapist is so difficult… how are you feeling about it?
Hi T.Clark,
Thank you for sharing this. I am working with a “Body Awareness Guide and Embodiment Coach”. Okay, a strange sounding title but basically a lot of what you are talking about here T.Clark. She is trying to help me become more aware of my body and body sensations; how they are kinetic/somatic experience; how this differs from body memory (which resides in the mind rather than the body in the here and now); how to share the body with different insiders while maintaining executive control of the body; self-soothing; body exploration; etc. Just a whole lot of body in the here and now and distinguishing between body memory and understanding stuck in the past (with my insiders). All very challenging work.
Kudos to you for venturing out of the house!
ME+WE
09/29/18
We are listening to our 15-y.o. male kitty snore!
He is curled up on a kitchen chair just 2-3 feet away from us, but the chair’s seat is hidden under the table, so we had to go look for him to see where the snoring was coming from. He is So Cute all curled up there, just contentedly snoring away. It makes us smile.
TRIGGER ALERT
But it also makes us sad because it reminds us that our other kitty crossed the Rainbow Bridge last week. The vet just called to say that her remains are ready for hubby and us to pick up. We don’t want to do this. We just want to hold her in our arms once again (even though she would never let any human hold her for long). She was such a beautiful cat. We miss her a LOT! No more Kitty-anapolis 500 races run all throughout the day… No more skittering of kitty paws on the tile floor, no more crumpled up papers being batted around. And… no more cat fights between our two furry friends. (That part we are glad to do without. We hate it when the cats fight!) RIP Missy Cleopatra.
We are still glad that our Shadow kitty is here to keep us company with his snoring and his cuddles.
~Caro
Hello Caro
Sorry for the loss of you sweet pet. We have lost 2 dogs In the past. It was the right decision. To have one euthanized . When a pet gets to old to be able to control bodily functions . Or in to much pain to mover around. It’s time tot let him go. We will always have the memories of him and Sissy playing together and dancing We stayed with him when he got his final shot from the vet. I’m glad it was quick.
The other one was full of cancer. She made the choice to die in our home just 30 min before we were to take her to the vet. Beauty was the best friend of all our outside children for many years.
Hi Caro,
The image of your snoring cat put a big smile on my one little insider’s face (and me) – she LOVES kitty cats. She has play dates with kitty friends. Certainly my pets have been my best friends in the past. I am so sorry for your loss. Our pets are our families. They are important. And, their loss is heartbreaking. I send all my sincere condolences your way.
ME+WE
09/20/18
Caro,
I’m so sorry for the loss of your furry beloved kitty, Missy Cleopatra.
>’ . ‘< Losing a loved-one is so hard. My heart goes out to you and yours. <3.
(Remember, even though they fought, Shadow kitty will be going through the bereavement process, also. Give him/her extra love and attention, as I'm sure you will.)
Naturluvr <3
10/11/18
*** possible trigger ***
*
I have had a nightmare ever since I can remember. In the dream, I am standing outside a white 2 or 3 story building. I am wearing the white ceremonial robes that I must wear for the ritual abuse. There are no doors or windows in the building, except for in the top-most story. I know I am supposed to enter the building, so I do. To do so, I must scale the building Spider-Man style, so I do. I climb to a window, open it, and then go in.
Once inside, I start exploring the building. The building is empty, abandoned. I look for people, but there is nothing. I somehow know that I am searching for something, but I don’t know what. I start at the topmost floor and wander from room to room, searching. When the top-most floor is searched, I go down the stairs and search the next floor, and the next, until I get to the basement.
Once in the basement, the walls suddenly give way to a large earthen room, which then leads to a tunnel of red-clay earth. The clay is not simply a rust color as is found in the iron-oxide laden clay foothills near my home. It is a blood red color that feels ominous, pressing, closing in. Sure enough, the room gets smaller and smaller until I am inside a tunnel that narrows and grows smaller in height, until I am all but crawling. It suddenly dead-ends. I know that I have not yet found what I am searching for, but somehow I know that what I must find is waiting for me on the other side of the red clay wall. By this time I am no longer clothed; I’m completely naked. I begin to dig with my hands and head, knowing that some horrible fate awaits me, but that I must go to it. I am compelled to go forward, the same way I was compelled to climb into the building and search for whatever I need to find.
Then I wake up. I never learn what is on the other side of the red clay wall, never learn what is awaiting me.
In adulthood, the dream sometimes changes. Sometimes I’m in a building at my undergraduate university. Other times I’m with my husband at some house-hunting real-estate venture. Wherever I am, whichever building I’m in, I suddenly become aware that THIS is the building from my dreams (even though it obviously isn’t) and that I must somehow leave the group, search for the tunnel on my own, and then crawl through the red clay. I separate myself from the group and eventually do find the tunnel, eventually find the small room where I must dig my way through the wall to meet my still-unknown fate.
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I had the dream again last week.
I e-mailed my T about the dream and we talked about it today. He asked me to ask The Inner Mind what the dream is about, is the dream trying to tell me anything. I asked where the building was, what is on the other side of the wall, what happened when I got to the other side.
The reaction was first a voice that said: “Too scary.” I pressed on.
The next said: “Too young,” combined with flashes of something that meant that perhaps I was too young to know where the building was, only to be familiar with the building itself. I continued to ask.
The next response was an intense headache that made me feel like I was being pulled from the top of my head from the inside out. Everything went black and the world started spinning. I was terrified.
I got out of there. I told my T what happened and he asked if someone inside was trying to prevent me from finding the answer. I said I didn’t know, but if so, they did quite the effective job of it! (I still have the headache plus massive body memories several hours later.)
We talked about the questions and the response. I’ve had two other dreams like this one, each time when I was trying to find something in real life. Once I was able to pinpoint the places on the map and/or return to them, the dreams stopped. So I think that the building is perhaps not a real place, but representative of some place that I am looking for.
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On a different, but (possibly?) connected note, I was born frank-breach, mooning the world. My birth almost killed both myself and my mother. Had a specialist not been called in, neither of us would have made it. Mom says that today they would have taken me by C-section, but they didn’t realize that I would be frank-breech, merely breach, and I guess the doctors thought they could turn me in time…
I am wondering whether this could be a birth memory, and I told my T so…
My T wonders whether the birth trauma caused a split right then and there. He says that he thinks maybe there is a lost baby in our system, and that we need to launch a Search and Rescue Team to go find her.
I don’t know about this. I don’t know that I want to find another alter. I don’t know whether there even is one, but he really seems to think that there is one in there somewhere. I don’t know what to think.
I talked to Mom about the dream for the first time. She thinks I probably just read something that scared me when I was young, and that caused the recurring nightmare. I told her I have had this dream ever since I can remember, even before I learned to read, so that means I’ve had it since I was about 2 years old, give or take.
I’m wondering if maybe the red clay room was her womb, and instead of the room growing smaller, I was growing bigger. I also know that because I was frank-breech, I probably never saw the birth canal; I was facing the other way around. Nor would I have had to dig myself out. My T wonders whether I knew that I had to get out of there, but couldn’t find the way out. That part does make sense to me.
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Has anyone else had similar dreams or experiences? What do you think? Could there be an infant alter inside, waiting to be discovered, only able to talk to me through this dream where the main components are of searching in a multi-story building and finding myself in a red-clay, earthen room where I must dig through the wall to meet my fate?
~Caro
Hi Caro,
I’m not sure my experience is exactly like yours, but I have had strong dreams that continue to come forth while I sleep. They’re the kind of dreams where it sticks with you throughout the day and recurs in some sort of fashion, which sounds like what you experience. My dreams, while they’re not exactly the same, have the same theme. I’m experiencing ritualistic abuse and I can’t get away no matter how hard I try. My T says at least I try because that shows I’m fighting against it. Anyway, I don’t have an expert opinion but it sounds to me like your system has something they’re protecting you from. They don’t want to share because maybe it would scare you or be too hurtful to see.
I guess the one thing I’ve been keeping in mind with my dreams is that I still offer comfort and safety as best I can to whatever part is needing it. I ask my system in general if there is someone that needs to share something that they are safe and it’s not happening now. So I try to reassure and offer comfort in general. I still haven’t found the reason I’m having these dreams, but I figure I’m doing the best I can as the main front person.
It must be mystifying to have this dream over and over and maybe even frustrating. Keep talking about it with your T and being open to what it might mean. I have a feeling as you discover more of the meaning, it will subside. At least that’s just my 2 cents.
MultipleMe
9/19/18
Hi Caro,
Like MultipleMe I have not had the exact dream but I have had struggling dreams for sure. My T says that it is my subconscious talking to me and encourages me to explore these dreams. Sometimes the messages are not exactly clear but they are there. I tend to listen to the emotions mostly because the images often do not make much sense. If you can listen to the feelings that come up then that can give you a clue.
Yes indeed I have friends in the healing profession who believe that our birth experience was our first trauma. Yours sounds like it was extremely stressful for everyone especially you. In my mind that could indeed be what the dreams are all about. I have an insider who is preverbal so can only “speak” to me in feelings. That may be what is happening here. Just keep an open mind and heart to what the dreams are telling you.
ME+WE
09/20/18
Caro,
You are most excellent at remembering and describing your dream. I can’t tell you how many dreams I’ve had similar. Going into one room and then tunnel/hallway… shrinking…go right, into the next room…it is smaller and don’t fit, have to go left, then the next room is smaller and the door I can’t hardly squeeze through it and I have to crawl, etc. I just like these dreams they are scary and uncomfortable.
I’ve done/do a lot of dream study and a lot of work with my own dreams. Some things I find very simple …although can be different for everyone… sometimes is the same. Some things have many meanings, some things can only be interpreted by the dreamer.
Here’s some simple/general things I see in your dream, but I could be totally wrong… important is if it rings a bell for you. The house is your body. The basement is your subconscious. Naked equals vulnerability.
What’s on the other side is something that you will know when you’re ready to know. It can be body memories/feelings from a young part. You definitely don’t want to experience things before being ready. We have protectors that keep us from prematurely knowing things for good reasons. And it could be you are (a part is) simply processing trying to get out of the birth canal… or birthing new [archeological] digs into buried/hidden feelings/memories/parts of you, yet unclaimed, waiting to be dis-covered.
Naturluvr <3
10/11/12
Hi all,
A part did (“I” allowed) something foolish. A week or so ago, (even after learning the lesson through ME+WE’s experience with her mother… and even sensing it in advance)… when I was in that Pollyanna-type state, a part of me wanted to go visit my mom. I decided to let it flow and use it as a test to see what would happen. (I don’t know who “I” is in this context.)
So, I took a trip headed towards my mother’s home state. That night, 567 miles to go, a child part had a panic attack. I figured the panic attack happened because of the thought of going to my mother’s . I needed to keep myself safe and decided to cancel the following trip that would get me there. I figured that took care of the situation and everything was going to be fine.
The following night, I cracked a tooth. I began to have a panic attack about the possible consequences of the cracked tooth. It was Friday night on Labor Day weekend. Not a good time to have a tooth emergency! It’s been a long week trying to get to a dentist, to get help for this tooth. I finally got it when I reached home, the day before yesterday.
I find it quite interesting that according to Louise Hay (whom I’ve always adored and have followed her teachings for 30+ years) teeth have to do with decisions. I thought I had put my life back on track by deciding not to go visit my mom, but am aware that I was only thinking about postponing it. My intuition tells me I cracked my tooth so that I would be quite clear in understanding that a DECISION to go see my mother, now OR later, anytime soon, would be quite a bad idea and should not happen. (I know this whole thing may seem wild and crazy to some of you, but FYI: I believe the Universe/Source/Life talks to me (all of us) all the time… through all manners of life forms (signs, weather, feelings, TV, movies, books, radio, others, animals, insects, etc., just about anything.)
I feel sad I was so neglectful. My inner child has been telling me for some time about some childhood sa she suvived. It’s slow in coming but is constant. I don’t know how my mom is involved, for sure, but I know my little one doesn’t trust her and is frightened of her. I’m getting to the point where if my mom pushes me anymore about coming to visit her I’m going to tell her the truth about how I had a panic attack and how I just cannot and will not come and visit her, while I feel this way. My intuition says it’s not going to go away. So I probably won’t be seeing my mom again, which doesn’t make the most of me feel bad at all. The only part that really feels bad is the part of me that learned how to make the best of my relationship with my mother. And boy did she do a good job! My mother and I did have some good times! Still, I look back and see that all of it was superficial, because inside parts of me were hurting bad, and were covered up with denial, other defense mechanisms, and drugs, nicotine, and alcohol, lots of it.
Poor little parts… what they had to survive. TRIGGER WARNING…
And today, 30 times a day, I’m still having to mindfully, recognize and release my tongue off the roof of my mouth, and relax it. Because someone is pressing it up, against the roof of my mouth, out of a lifetime habit (that I only discovered within the last year : o) trying to keep out nasty, perpetrator body parts that were not ever supposed to be in there!
I am, we are, so lonely in our pain and depression about this and about my life today, as it is. We are needing hugs and people we can trust to share our story with. Thank God for this place and for my friends here.
Goodnight for now.
Naturluvr <3
9/8/18
Hi Naturluvr,
Thank you so much for sharing this posting (oh, and your posting about “… suicidal thoughts are not about wanting to kill ourselves at all. Something needs to die …” – a wonderful reframing of an issue). I just want to give you support and sincere praise for listening to and honouring your inner self and not completing your trip to your mother’s home. You should give yourself a big pat on the back for that act of courage and compassion for your insiders. The seismic magnetism and alienation of mothers is gut wrenching ESPECIALLY when you are pulling back the dissociative veil of protection to see the real truth of your relationship with them.
************* trigger warning *************
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(I trust Kathy to decide if this is appropriate to be posted or not)
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Note from Kathy: yes, this is an honest and heavy comment, so I agree with the trigger warning re: the effects of trauma and body feelings — please make sure you are grounded if you choose to read further.
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You also bring up a topic of body memory and abuse narrative that I hardly want to imagine let alone acknowledge. Like others here, I have avoided speaking specifics of abuse because of the triggering factor and because we all have been through a lot of shit and just know without telling. But, I feel a need to say (type) the words here because I am having a real struggle accepting the reality of my body memories and the legacy that castes a shadow over my here and now.
You speak of your tongue stuck to the roof of your mouth Naturluvr to keep out nasty perpetrator body parts and that statement just cut through my denial like a knife of truth. I live with the continual feeling of pressure on my neck and a continual choking sensation (and a lot of nausea). Intellectually, I can acknowledge that it has to do with a lot of physical choking (big hands around my neck choking me) and “nasty perpetrator body parts” that were thrust into any part of my body that they could manage to put their “vicious snakes”. It is like no part of me was not violated even my insides.
That is the part that I cannot face. The thought that NOTHING was sacred — EVERYTHING was violated even every part of my insides that they could get at. I feel poisoned, the vial toxic disease of abuse scaring every inch of me inside and out. I think that back then (and as a child), I ate to try and wash my insides clean. As an adult, I have added alcohol to the mix in a bizarre ritual of self-soothing, anger and cleansing.
I am slowly killing myself with this behaviour but I cannot stop. As much as I can “see” what I am doing, I cannot stop. I have great support and encouragement to eat healthy and stop drinking, but I cannot stop. I try and try and try, but I cannot stop. WHY CAN’T I STOP?! My abusers are all gone now but I continue their abuse. ME!!! I am my own abuser now! That drives me crazy knowing that I am the one destroying me. I want to live yet I am driving this life right into a brick wall – over, and over and over again. It is like I cannot believe that I deserve to live life whole and happy. I do not want to die but I keep killing myself.
ME+WE
09/09/18
***** trigger warning ****
Note from Kathy: Please make sure you are grounded and in a safe place before reading further. If you are triggered by self-injury comments, please don’t read.
Trigger warning for self-injury issues.
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I feel your pain…. More often than not I am also am my own abuser. I do things that I shouldn’t . just so I’m in control of my own pain. I have the mindset , if I’m going to be in pain physical or Emotionally I’m the one that’s going to cause it .
For example if F***** C.E is going to be here and he may say a rude comments. Instead of him making me feel bad or upset. I will take it into my own hands. By using rubbing alcohol on my vagina or cutting the bottom of my feet acting out sexually shower that are hot that that it hurts for a few hours after.
I know it may not make sense to some of you. I see it as me being in control of my own physical and emotional pain . instead of allowing someone else giving it to me. It’s away for me to hold it in and brush things off when people are hurtful .
My job Has always been to be compliant not to be sassy to do what your told.
As I grow with therapy I am trying to learn it’s OK to have emotions. It is not been easy but the self abuse has lessened. maybe someday it will completely go away. I can only hope.
Sissy,
I hope with you too that it will lesson and completely go away. There is nothing I feel for you but concern and compassion. You are so brave and fierce for sharing your experiences and I am blown away by it. I do feel concern for you and wonder if you share this with your therapist and he or she says about it? I’ve shared some of the SI stuff I do with my therapist and she’s been compassionate and helpful. I hope you have someone IRL to support you all through this. I get wanting to be in control of the pain and hurt. It’s like if even for a second you can feel something else for a while, it takes the pressure of the pain off.
I’m sure you’re aware that there are articles on here that may be helpful to process and give you some more hope. I can’t even begin to imagine your pain or suffering. Please know you are not alone here and I’m glad you shared. You are an inspiration to me and know that we are all here for you.
I wish you freedom.
MultipleMe
9/10/18
MultipleMe
Yes she knows Of my behaviors. I did not share to receive compassionate listening. I shared through others would know they’re not alone on their self abuse behavior
9/1018
Sissy,
I’m sorry if I offended you.
You are right. We’re not alone. No one is ever alone.
MultipleMe
9/10/18
Oh man multipleme you did not offend me
Sissy,
I’m so sorry. I just saw all of these responses to a post I wrote on 9/8/18, I think it was.
Totally makes sense. I (parts) used to hurt myself (me), too. I’m so sorry for all of our pain. Thank God I’m getting farther and farther away from that. It’s parts that are still angry and that’s the best way they know how to deal with their anger, because they don’t feel safe yet. When they start to feel safer, when we become safer to our parts, more loving, more compassionate, they’ll stop hurting themselves/us. ** sigh** : ) I know… because I don’t have parts that hurt me like that anymore.
Here’s to self love and learning what that looks like and feels like,
Naturluvr <3
10/7/18
It’s ok Naturlurv Sometimes it’s hard to keep up with all the posting on here
I appreciate this conversation. Sometimes we feel so unbelievably lonely with the body memories and the decades of struggling with different kinds of self-harm… including some very shameful stuff that I really want to be less alone with.
It feels like there isn’t any way to get out of the shame, because we also feel shame because we don’t “really” hurt ourselves, we don’t hurt ourselves enough, we are ashamed of the ways that we hurt ourself even though they don’t really count… it goes on and on.
Sometimes little parts want to go to T and tell her that they were hurt. But we can’t because other parts believe it wasn’t enough and it doesn’t count as hurting because we’re disgusting. Even here I’m talking in circles without saying anything of substance at all. And that’s lonely.
HazeLe,
Have you ever thought about learning how to put the body in a private conversations? That’s how we manage some of ours tuff stuff, that needs to be discussed with the other parts not knowing. . The most important thing to remember is whoever puts us in the private conversation needs to take us out.
{{{ME+WE}}}
I’m so sorry. I just found this response (and others –I will be replying) to a post I wrote on 9/8/18. OMG! These would have helped me so much! (I had another lousy experience which may have not happened had I felt responded to during this time.)
I can relate to everything you said and I am so so sorry for all the hurt and pain, fear and anguish and despair you’ve suffered. {{{ME+WE}}}
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*** TRIGGER WARNINGS.. talking about body parts and feelings… don’t read unless you’re well grounded… ***
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I, also, have problems with my throat. The tongue-relaxing-necessity is an ongoing thing. Sometimes I don’t even notice until I get really aware, in the moment (which I am getting better and better at). It’s like not hearing the hum of the refrigerator, going on and on, until it shuts off and then the quiet is so wonderful. Once, I let go and relax I heave a big sigh. It’s amazing! The muscle has memory and continues to do its thing or a Child part is doing it. Either way, I am in a retraining mode.
I have had choking spells so bad, I thought I was going to choke and die, literally. It happened to me a few times out on the truck, at night, alone. I’ve learned to talk myself through it and it hasn’t happened again. I may have come so far that maybe it won’t happen again. Time will tell. I pray. They, also, used to happen back when there were family reunions, and not so long ago through the years when I was around too many people, reminding me of family reunions.
The throat is the Avenue of expression and a symbol of creativity. I’m hoping my throat improves when I start painting… because sometimes my throat seems like it’s not so well. Lately it seems a little more closed and I’m wondering if some young parts of me are just more present and feeling the way they used to, that my body is re-membering.
Me + we I understand fully how you’re having trouble accepting and facing memories coming up for you, through you. I used to have great great great trouble accepting and facing abuse memories. OMG! Not anymore. It took me a lot of years. Plus, I drank an enormous amount of alcohol for many many years. I also smoked a pack of cigarettes a day. The trick in quitting the two was to be as kind to myself as possible and say to myself (I didn’t know about my parts back then) that it was okay and understandable. That I wouldn’t quit until I was ready. The kinder I was to me, the more options I gave to myself, the better I did. And it’s not even a good idea to quit a habit until you have something positive to replace it with.
One of the things I used to tell myself was that I was willing to… and a lot of the time I had to be easier on myself and just say that I was willing to be willing… I prayed a lot for help and I talked about how I wanted… what I wanted… and I gave up forcing myself through sheer willpower. If you’re not ready to face things you’re not ready to face things. No forcing is going to bring them as a matter of fact it is actually a form of RESISTANCE to push yourself past the point parts of you are ready to deal. If you try and push yourself of course someone’s going to want to have a beer or two or five. Our protectors are our most fiercely engrained parts that will do just about anything to protect us from knowing the pain and grief of a wounded child part. The more you push the more they’re going to push back. The more you want yourself to quit drinking the more you’re going to drink. The same goes for eating. Work on yourself compassion. Be as kind to yourself as you are to us. The more self-compassion you give yourself (your parts) the less your parts will want to act out in anger or self-harm.
My thoughts are with you. We’ll talk again soon.
Your forever friend,
Naturluvr <3
10/7/18
Naturluvr,
I’m sorry you’re feeling the depression and loneliness today. Sometimes it’s not easy, but you are doing the right thing by reaching out. I hope you have a better tomorrow.
Going to the mother’s house is a big deal. You listened well to your part and that’s such a good thing. You could have pushed through, which may not have been a good thing for all involved. It shows you have a listening ear and are willing to keep your parts and you safe. I like that very much!
I’m sorry you had a cracked tooth. That does NOT sound fun at all, especially when it happens on a holiday weekend!
Thank you for the trigger warning. How did you come to the realization that that was what it was? If you don’t mind sharing that is. I only ask because I wonder if I have the same body habits because we went through a similar thing like you shared. I hope you don’t mind me asking. Don’t worry about it if you don’t want to talk about it.
May you have all the peace and comfort you need.
MultipleMe
9/9/18
{{MultipleMe}}, hugs if okay.
So sorry. I am answering these responses that I only found tonight.
BIG TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!…about body parts and feelings… and trauma. DON’T READ if you’re not grounded!
I don’t mind sharing. I’m happy to share. Let me go back a little. The first time I found out something was done to me in childhood, specifically, in my mouth (aside from a triple-r*** of which I already processed and healed from) was at a party. I had basically stopped drinking by that time. But I was feeling lonely and didn’t have any friends and when a nice, co-worker from work invited me to his party (shocking), I went. I drank beer and was feeling fine having a good time. But then I went into the kitchen and they were doing shots. I did a few and ended up, wasted, room spinning, running to the bathroom needing to vomit. As I hugged the toilet, my body (and an inebriated child part) started releasing a repressed memory. I never had any recall of this, at all, and definitely had no idea it was coming. But being in that bathroom with the young woman that was talking me through it (she was amazing!), and seeing all the people that showed up at the door to look in to see the woman who was screaming in pain/fear, and crying at the toilet, wasted out of her mind.. still, I KNEW what was happening to me, what had happened to me. There was no denying it. I was living it. In childhood, it was too much to bear, I shut it out. It got repressed. This time I lived it, breathed it, felt it And it was out of my body! Those are the best. But I wouldn’t wish anybody to have it happen to them in this way, in public. Private party but still public.
After that I started putting puzzle pieces together. The more you listen to an inner child the more they trust you and tell you, as you know.
When I was a pre- adolescent, adolescent, and teen, I used to press my toe up into my tennis shoes and after a time, the toe would wear a hole in the end of the shoe. Holding a muscle stiff like that takes a lot of energy. I went through a lot of tennis shoes that way. It was my child’s way of putting her angst in one place. It was a survival mechanism. Instead of punching a wall (I tried that a couple of times, later on… read it in a magazine, and decided to give it a try believe it or not), or cutting, etc., I held muscles stiff. I only noticed the fact that I was holding my tongue tight up against the roof of my mouth this last year. I’m 58 years old! A young 58, ; ), but none the less. It had become such an engrained habit (like the toe in the shoe), I didn’t even notice I was doing it. It was second nature.
The puzzle pieces, this time, were coming from a 3 yo about oral ****… and the tongue reminded me of the toe and I figured it out. I already knew that I had survived an oral **** when I was 9, and had throat problems because of that, but this made even more sense.
I see a few more posts that I didn’t read and want to get too but we’ll have to do that another time. Goodnight for now. I’ve run out of time.
I hope everybody that read that takes good care of themselves. It was a breeze for me to write I’ve worked through a lot of stuff and I’m very much here for me and grounded right now.
Take good care MultipleMe
Naturluvr <3
Hello, all. This post contains a ***************. TRIGGER WARNING *********** so please read with caution.
My name is Becca, and I’ve been reading your comments from afar. I commented once before and introduced myself, but nobody responded to me, so I felt gun-shy after that. But you all are worth trying again.
TRIGGER WARNING
First, let me say I am NOT suicidal, nor are any of my headmates. But I am wondering if any of you and members of your system do have suicidal alters and how they are treated and talked down out of it. Any response would be great! Thanks!!!
We have a contact. That simply states If anyone’s wants to do that much harm we are aloud to tell someone on the outside. It talk many years to come to that . So far this as worked. When What’s It Matter start to show up on the outside world it is a red flag for our Therapist And all off us.
4+me+2=me,
Thanks for sharing this with Becca, because now I have learned about it too! I will have to make a contact and share this idea with my suicidal part. I’m going to bring it up in therapy.
MultipleMe
9/6/18
Fantastic. Did you have any parts/alters before that were suicidalor engaged in SH?
9/8/18
Thank you for your response. Do you have parts/alters that have ever tried to overrule contacting someone?
9/8/18
Hi Becca,
First of all, a hearty (and heartfelt) welcome to the DD community. I am sorry that your earlier posting was not responded too. Hum … really sorry. I hope that you will welcome now to participate in our discussions.
Yes I have an alter who has tried in the past to get rid of other alters and/or me. For example, she tells my little ones to go play in the road in front of our house (it is a regional road so ii is very busy). She especially dislikes me so has had very specific suicidal plans for me. I have some inside helpers that have helped keep the little ones from doing what she tells them and have alerted me to the dangers so I can head it off. She has taken to her old plan of killing me slowly with food and alcohol. I am working intensively with her (have been for about a year with my T) and am seeing tiny glimmerings of success. It has been a journey of infinite patience, resilience and baby steps.
Certainly some insiders are not at all cooperative when it comes to communicating with outside folks. Most have come to trust a few individuals in my life, and especially my T, so will speak with them. Sometimes they will be out and will not let any others come out too. There was once with my therapist where she wanted to talk with me and my insider put her hand over my mouth and would not let me speak. Things like that happen a lot.
May I ask if these are issues that you are dealing with and, hence, the questions?
ME+WE
09/09/18
Hi Becca,
We used to have suicidal parts, maybe we still do, but they haven’t been active in a while. For me, we had to convince them their role, being a suicidal part, didn’t need to happen anymore. Because for us, suicide was a way of protecting us. This one particular part still has the thoughts and feelings, but she doesn’t want to go to hospital unless absolutely necessary, so she’s learned to cope a bit with some of the horror. The out-of-control feelings and what not. It’s hard to do; she can be wonderfully emotional and react immediately, but she’s still learning that she may not have to do that anymore, because we’re safe now, or mostly safe. Well, she doesn’t think so, so maybe that’s where the feelings live, but for the most part things are better. We just had to work on establishing new roles, and helping her understand we aren’t getting hurt as bad right now. We’re needing to work on a new role for her. That’s our next step.
I’m glad you posted here. I know our comments get lost sometimes, not on purpose, it just happens. There’s technical reasons that I don’t quite understand but it’s certainly not you or anything you’re doing. All I can say is keep posting! And thank you for the trigger warning. So very considerate of you!
MultipleMe
9/6/18
Hi, MultipleMe. Thank you for your detailed response. It’s true, suicidal parts are there to protect us, but his/her efforts need to be channeled in a different direction.
I’m glad these are better. It sounds like communication is key.
Thank you so much.
I learned from Karla McLaren (The Language of Emotions) that’s suicidal thoughts are not about wanting to kill ourselves at all. Something needs to die… a behavior, something we’re experiencing, or doing, thinking, SOMETHING, but NOT US.
Learning this has freed me from ever thinking about hurting myself. And I share it with anyone who’s suicidal, or knows anybody who is suicidal.
Naturluvr
9/8/18
Becca,
Yeah, it’s hard to do that, but you’re super right. I’ve tried to do this with my suicidal part, but it’s not easy. The feelings can be so strong. Things are indeed better now, but the rule is still there that if we talk, we die. So not only do we help change the role of the protector, we have to learn the truth about the rule.
MultipleMe
9/9/18
i started to read all of the comments and replies having to do with this question Becca, but its too triggering.. so i will just respond to yours for now. hello.. i have not ever as this part of my brain been active on here.. i would’ve been gun shy if no one responded to my comment as well. glad you came back.. very resilient. i know a few things about this: our system created positive mothers ( the creation of them took a long time, i hate to say, though sooo worth it) and a nurse, that help at the tale end of suicidal parts activity to help buffer and repair any damage done as well as to help other system parts assist in other areas to strengthen the rest of the system..for us, the stronger the system is in light and knowledge and truth and positivity then the greater chances for survival for the whole system as well as for the programmed part. When the rest of the system is weak, we had virtually no chance. And when in that situation we have asked for help a few times because everyone in mental health says to reach out.. so we do, though NOT to mental health ” professionals” unfortunately. Though no help for the entire system has been accomplished, we have reached a better place of safety and a confidante who knows what is happening to us now. There were always parts attached to the programmed-to-die one, so they have been doing their best since childhood to keep the body safe and help the parts of self in need, however.. this is damaged kids helping damaged kids stuff.. they also need extra support now. i’d love for people to help our system with this too. its extremely frightening in here and its a daily job now. Thats all i know.. hope some of this is helpful ..brain shutting down..
WOW IsolateOne what wonderful insight and advise. Thank you for sharing this with us all. I read three key points in your response to Becca:
1. Building communication and cooperation in your system with inside helpers (in your case, positive mothers and a nurse) to keep watch over the suicidal ones and to offer comfort and care to the insiders. I really feel that this has been important for me to “manage” more destructive insiders. This can also include inside rules and protocols to managing for more healthy (less destructive) living collectively.
2. Again, working on communication and healing with your inside system. These two go hand-in-hand. You have to listen and learn if you want to heal. And, the more that you listen, learn and heal, the stronger all of you and your parts will be. We are like a chain of interlocked selves. We are only as strong as our weakest link. So, all of our inside links need to be attended to and cared for in order for us to be as strong as we can be.
3. Reaching out when all of your tools and safety nets are not working and you feel yourself on the edge of a crisis. Have the numbers and mechanisms for communication ready ahead of time and practice the protocols for survival BEFORE you are in crisis. Plan ahead and know that you are not alone. There is help.
I hope that you reread your own posting IsolateOne because you certainly sound like you have a good handle on this issue. Oh, and so glad that you decided to post here.
ME+WE
10/28/18
Guess what? Guess what ??!
The computer gal fixed this page!!!
We can now see ALL our 1055+ comments on the original Our Normal Complicated Selves, and it’s able to take MORE comments, if you want to add to anything in this area.
The main thing — every post is still available — thank goodness!
You’ll see links at the very very bottom of the page — one link for Older Comments and a link for Newer Comments. Those links will help you navigate through the conversations.
And please — if anyone has any trouble loading these pages, PLEASE let me know. We might still need to shorten up how many comments are visible per page.
This is a big win. I wanna do a dance, lol.
Happy reading! And happy posting!!
Kathy
This is wonderful
Kathy !!! 🐶🦄🐞🦋
Hi Kathy…I have a few questions 😀
Are you the only person who posts comments on this blog or do you have helpers? Do you see/read everything that gets posted here or is it possible for you to not to see a comment?
I’ve just been curious about how it works exactly.
Today has been a hard one….found out I’m most likely losing my Therapist because of an insurance change. My heart feels totally broken 💔
Thanks for listening.
Rita
Hi Rita,
I wanted to reach out even though you wrote a little while ago. I hope you see this soon. Not that I have the best words, but I wanted you to know that I hear you. Losing your therapist is about the worst feeling ever. Sometimes it feels like you have to start all over again, but you don’t. There’s been progress. It hurts inside a lot, especially if you’ve grown attached. You don’t ever forget them or the help they gave you. You were honest with them and they see you in a way that no one else does. It’s safe there and having to start with a new therapist means you might have to build that trust and safety again, but…it is possible. There is hope that it might be even better than you thought possible.
I lost my t of 5 years last year. I cried so hard. She let me go because she couldn’t help me in the way I needed help. I found a therapist that is excellent but I still miss my old therapist. She was so caring and genuinely liked me for me. She affirmed me and encouraged me and shared my faith and it was super hard to leave. It’s okay to cry and feel the hurt, but there is hope.
Oh, and I believe that Kathy is the one that replies, but she just doesn’t have the time to reply to all of the comments, because she’s super duper busy making this place amazing. She has a consultation option if you look under Consultations at the top of the page. It’s been super helpful for a lot of people. Something you may want to look into.
Let us know how things are going.
MultipleMe
9/4/18
Hi Rita —
I’m jumping in here to answer these questions before I forget to do so.
Yes, I check each and every comment before it gets posted, yes. This is why it sometimes takes hours/days before comments go visible, because I do read thru’ each one individually before I approve it to go public. That’s part of the safety element I try to manage here — it’s a fine balance — but there are a few comments that come to this site that aren’t appropriate to post, so…. I would rather it take a little time to show posts than to have some inappropriate posts come thru’ and upset everyone while I was off doing something else.
Yes, I do this all by myself. Just me. No helpers on this task. Y’all keep me BUSY!!! But that’s fabulous, and I really really love the positive community we’re building here. But yeah — just me.
Can I miss a comment? I have, yes. Especially on days when there are lots of new comments, they’ve been known to get lost in the further back admin pages, and while I thought I went thru’ and approved all the new comments, I’ve missed some from time to time. I try NOT to do this, but I certainly make mistakes too!
However — the good news is — no, wait — the GREAT NEWS is …. we’re in the process of building a proper forum. The computer gal, and Laura, and I are already working on it. A proper forum will work much much more effectively than this “Blog Article Acting Like a Forum”, so… hold tight, because you’ll get some brand new information about that very soon. I’m super excited about it — can’t wait!!
So sorry to hear about stupid insurance messing with your whole therapy process. I really really get tired of insurance being NOT helpful…!! I can get really cranky at insurance providers really really quickly over stuff like that. I hope there is a positive solution to that situation. It’s certainly heartbreaking, that’s for sure.
Meanwhile.. I’m glad you’ve been posting here, and becoming an active member of our community. We can help carry that emotional support load while you’re scrambling to figure out what else to do….
Thank you for posting, and I really hope something works out for you.
Warmly,
Kathy