I was given a great idea by one of the readers here at Discussing Dissociation:
I would love to see a thread/topic here that really didn’t have any topic other than maybe people connecting or checking in if they wanted to. Maybe even about things that have nothing to do with DID. It would be nice to have a spot where we could just be our normal complicated selves. “I just made the best pot of chicken soup.” “Today I went for a hike.” “The snowfall this morning was so lovely.”
There aren’t many places where we can just be us and not have a problem be the focus of the connection.
So that’s what this thread is for….
Feel free to write whatever you wanna write in the Comments section below, and this thread can just be about your “normal complicated selves”!
Enjoy, and please feel free to write lots!
Due to the overwhelming response on this page,
we’ve reached an amazing 1055 comments on this page !!
But….because it was not loading correctly,
we have moved over to
Our Normal Complicated Selves , page 2 —
CLICK HERE !!
GOOD NEWS UPDATE:
The 1055 comments on this page are NOW able to be seen!
YAY YAY YAY for our computer-tech gal!
You will notice, waaaaaaaay down at the bottom of the page, under the last comment, that there are now one or two new links.
One link is for “Older Comments”. And one link is for “Newer Comments”
If you don’t see the “New Comments” link, you are already looking at the newest comment. The newest comments do get posted at the bottom of the page, so… as backwards as that feels, that’s where the newest comment sits — underneath the last comment posted before that.
Once you click the Older Comments link, you’ll move to a new page of comments that were written earlier.
Clicking the links at the bottom off the various pages will allow you to see all 1055 comments on this page!!
That’s super exciting news to me, because there have been some fabulous conversations in this area. And by making these comments “reachable” again, we’ve kept all our treasured words available to read again. YAY!!
THANK YOU for writing — it’s genuinely so very good to hear from you.
Please continue to let this place be part of your healing journey.
Warmly,
Kathy
Copyright © 2008-2021 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
Hey Kathy,
Can you add a page two to this ONCS page. This one is loading so slow or not loading at all. I think we need another ONCS page. As Our Worlds Turn page or sumpin. LOL 🙂
Or a forum! LOL
hahahaha ….. funny, MultipleMe — I was just having an hour long discussion about forums as you were typing this!
Laura and I are MOST DEFINITELY setting up a forum — we’re just trying to figure out how to do it.
So yes — that is on the way !!!
More news about that soon!
You’re a mind reader !!!! 😀
Cheers!
Kathy
Yes, y’all have been asking, (fabulous idea, of course), and I’ve finally done a quick thing just to continue the conversations for ONCS, but on a new page that should open easier.
EVERYONE — LOOK NEAR THE BOTTOM OF THE HOME PAGE. YOU’LL SEE A NEW BLOG CALLED:
2. Still Our Normal Complicated Selves — Keep on Writing !
Let’s move more of our conversations there so the pages will open easier.
Enjoy, and please keep writing!
Warmly,
Kathy
Hello Friends,
Have you listened to the “Podcast with Kathy and TAASTTA (Trauma Awareness and Support Through the Arts)” yet? A very interesting and informative interview well worth a listen to. It is always great to hear Kathy speaking to her vast knowledge of dissociation and DID.
Anyway, I REALLY liked what Kathy said near the end of the interview talking about DID folks and harmful people in their lives.
This is what Kathy said:
“They have to build their own personal integrity, their personal strength around the attacks of others so that it doesn’t hurt them; it doesn’t penetrate their heart. So then they do not have to explode because they’re not taking on the wound. They’re letting it bounce off their backs like a duck instead of letting it actually get into their souls and destroy them. And realizing, hey if that person said that mean thing then that – BOOM – that belongs to them. I don’t have to absorb their bad comment, their mean words. I don’t have to absorb their mean words as true for me. I can protect myself from that mean comment and say – BOOM – you keep that. I’m not having that. That’s not coming into my space.”
I ssssoooooooo wish that I could do this. I am so super sensitive to any and all things said to me, how people look at me, how people respond to me, etc. I just got home from a two plus week “holiday” taking my elderly mother on a 1,300 mile road trip to see her ill sister. My mother can destroy me with a look or a comment and this 63 year old becomes a wounded 3 year old in a flash. So, what Kathy said here really spoke to me.
But, how do we do this?
How do we stop not being destroyed by what others say to us (especially family)?
How do we let it roll off and not let it penetrate our souls?
Ideas folks?
Your humble and curious friend,
ME+WE
08/07/18
I have a thought. Maybe just distancing yourself for a while, at least while you are healing. Limited contact can help. As far as other people, it’s hard to let it go, but breathing helps me. Deep breaths and praying for them. Learning to let go is hard but those are a couple of ideas. Breathing and letting out the breaths with the bad feelings helps me.
Thank you MultipleMe. Doing a LOT of deep breathing … hahaha. Actually, talking with one of my therapists today I realized how well I did doing what I felt was my duty but holding the integrity of who I am/need. Not perfect by any means but a big step forward. Felt really good about that. May all crumble tomorrow … hahaha … but she helped me to see that I could do it!
ME+WE
08/08/18
Yay Kathy !! Happy to see the donate button!
You know, KenKen…… That was YOUR idea !!! And thank you for that. 🙂 .
I hadn’t even had the thought until you made this comment several months back.
And thank you — because it’s a great idea — it helps share the load, and frankly, helps encourage me too. I won’t be obnoxiously flaunting the “Support this Site” option to our Community here, and it’s definitely not a requirement !!!! But the option will be there, if and when people wanna contribute as they can.
Much appreciation to you — and ALL of everyone out there.
Warmly,
Kathy
I am very very very happy you added the donate button also. ⭐️ You have put so many thousands of hours into this site over the last ten years with no compensation, and I am SO glad that we can finally support your hard work. ⭐️ We appreciate you sooooo much.
What a super idea you had KenKen!!! I am so glad that you have added the donate button Kathy. It gives us an opportunity to give back to you in whatever way that we can. You know that it really is a big relief to be able to do something that supports the website and you. Thank you for this opportunity and your selfless devotion to our community all of these years!
ME+WE
08/07/18
🤗🇨🇦❤️😊
Being Little in a big person’s body is hard. It also has its benefits. Sissy gets To go in to bars and bye alcohol and not get in trouble she is only 17 what is hard is we are Expected to act like adults all the time. That I have to wear big people clothes. Baby would love to take her Passafire everywhere but she’s not allowed to. I would like to take my stuff Eeyoure Everwhere Buckle him up in the car seat and bring along. Or when you want someone to stay home with you. But people see you as a Adults and leave you home alone
SeekingOurFreedom,
Some parts get scared, sometimes, when they look in the mirror. It’s scary and sad, because many of us feel we never had a real life, not really. I, the adult, do my best to be loving and to say things that help us all feel better. Issues? I have a part who sometimes communicates and says she’s gay. The rest of me is not. This is probably difficult for her, because I/we never want to be with another woman in that way. Still, I’m beginning to feel and think that as long was we have a lot of love and kindness inside, it doesn’t matter what we do, or where we are. What matters is that my adult is in charge and everyone gets listened to, everyone’s opinion counts.
There are lots of times when we want 5 different things at once. The most difficulty we have with the body is about what I end up doing, on any given day, in a zillion different circumstances and situations, where I want to do one thing, but others have their own idea. It’ll be easier when I get back to work, as there won’t be as many choices.
SeekingOurFreedom, whenever I don’t know what to say to myself/inside parts, I try to think of what I would’ve liked to hear from a loving mother, what a good mother might say to her children, or what I might say to a best friend, or would like to hear from one, etc. Hope something I said helps.
naturluvr <3
7/21/18
I have a question for y’all… How have any of you dealt with the whole everyone sharing one body thing? Only a couple of my insiders understand this and the rest don’t know. I want to find a way to explain all this but I’m not sure how. I think it’s something we need to be working on sooner than later.
Thanks
SeekingOurFreedom
07/20/2018
we DONt deal with it well at all. most of the younger ones dont get it. I am SURE our therapist has explained it to most of them. I dont have the heart to though. we all see each other as very separate, and having our own bodies . internally, we see each other as separate. To the younger ones it makes no sense that they share one body.They totally see themselves as their own person.
T and I had talked about making videos of the kids taking so they could see they all look the same on the outside, but never got around to it.
I dont think they would react well to it anyway.
It is hard to except that we all share the same body. We look in the mirror, or at each other and see different shapes different sizes different looks. The individual us . It took a long time for us to except that the outside world that knows us always sees more his body. The people that really know us People that really know us can see us with different facial expressions different stance different comments.
Oh my gosh SeekingOurFreedom … yes every day!!! My 12 year old insider Tom is REALLY not happy being in a old woman’s body. So, he is aware. Probably because I cannot do the things that he wants to do. Most all of my insiders are aware of ME but I am not so sure they get the concept of sharing a body. On one level they do but on another level they do not see themselves interacting in the outside world in a body sense that is ME. They see themselves so clearly in the inside world they have no concept in some ways of the outside world. They feel that they take over MY body when they want to do something. Like they are inside controlling this robot that houses them. Not sure if that makes sense.
My T is working on this with me. Especially since some will hit my head or legs with their fists and she is trying to make them understand that they are hurting their body as well as mine. It really is a tricky thing to get through to them especially since they have such a very clear idea of how they look. What they see in the mirror clearly is not that. My one little one always describes it as living inside me and looking out through my eyes (i.e., as in, my eyes are the windows where she can look out to the outside world).
Not sure if this is at all helpful other than to acknowledge that others feel the same as you do.
ME+WE
07/22/18
Hey all!
Who can tell me how to be able to put those cute, little, emoticons, in my posts? I know somebody shared some time ago, but I don’t remember. And… is it safe? I guess it is, otherwise you all wouldn’t be using them, right?
ME+WE, I/parts do want to share some about my t, and all kinds of other stuff, but I have 5 things I want to be doing most the time, am having trouble prioritizing, getting things done–so many things I want to do, and can’t seem to get done. : ( And I’ve got parts helping me survive in ways that are affecting my abilities, too. And… every night I/parts want to watch movies. Off to watch a movie.
Love you “guys!” So fortunate to know all of you! Thanks so much for all your kindness, and patience!
Thanks a bunch!
naturluvr
7/19/18
Do not ever need anything! Don’t ever want anything! Why? Cuz when you voice your wants and needs to someone and have it all set up, the person you ask will walk all over you and tell you without saying the words how much they give a fuck about your wants and needs. Do not need. Do not want. Punishment is the reminder that you are never ever ever supposed to feel anything at all ever.
Asked someone to set up something for us not on a Tuesday and not during the middle of the day. She just texted telling us she can do Tuesday at 1pm. And not tomorrow, Tuesday at 1pm, next Tuesday at 1pm.
AKA: screw our needs and wants. THIS IS THE PROBLEM. We said we needed something and she went out of her way to make sure we didn’t get it. Another punishment for asking for something; got so angry at myself for setting myself up for this that I blacked out and cut my leg.
Awesome goddamn day.
Oh my, my Kennedy. Hang on here and PLEASE try to not hurt yourself okay?! We hear you! We love you! We want to help you! And we will listen to your needs and wants and validate, respect and hear them. You do not need to punish yourself because of someone else’s failure to hear you. That is just one person. It is not everyone in your life. We are here too.
It is okay to have wants and needs Kennedy. I know that that is hard to accept right now and especially since you have had a long history of folks hurting you and abandoning you. It is not having needs and wants that is bad here. That is perfectly okay and good. It is normal to have needs and wants. And, it is okay to be upset when you feel that your needs and wants have not been heard or met. But, please know that you do not have to punish yourself because of what someone else did (or did not do) or for having needs and wants.
Sometimes folks do not hear properly or maybe do not understand. Maybe that is what happened here? Before you assume that your needs and wants cannot be met, maybe see if this person understood you properly or not. Or, maybe they just cannot comply with your request for a specific time. It may not be that they do not want to but are not able to because of stuff in their life. In any case, can you find the strength to try again in expressing your needs/wants with her and maybe hear why she can or cannot comply as you would like?
I certainly understand how old pain was triggered here Kennedy and how some of your insiders may have taken over to deal with your disappointment. That is certainly very understandable. Please keep communicating here okay? You are cared for here. This is a safe place.
Sending tons of positive energy, comforting hugs and love your way. Be sure to give extra cuddles to Aurora and Fiona.
❤️❤️🤗🤗❤️❤️
ME+WE
07/17/18
Oh my! Kennedy!
I’m so sorry you were hurting so! : ( I hope your leg is okay! : ( And your/yous heart! Have yous moved into a better place, yet? I hope so! : ( <3 MAN! CAN I RELATE! TO NOT HAVING NEEDS MET! It happens to me all the time, every week. I want, want, want, and my t never has any extra time, except the 1 appointment per week. I often switched into an angry, angry, brokenhearted, wounded-victim, child part who despised herself for needing, asking, wanting, etc., and who believes no one is ever there for her when she really needs help the most. **sigh** She's got every right, and so do you. God knows noone was there for us, throughout our childhood, and actually worse… ones that were "there" were harming us! Though, by my child part voicing her anger, I almost lost my t twice. She has no compassion for an angry, child part, texting or emailing her anger. : P I've been working on accepting and expecting less, handling things more, by myself. ** sigh ** Too much to say about this.
You know, all we can do is ask to have our wants and needs met. (That is growth, though, because there are many peeps who don't know, and/or can't do that.) Whatever the other person says, is about them, not about us. It is never a reflection of us. Never. Never. Never. (Well, we could be a catalyst, if we were unkind or hurtful, but still, another's actions says things about them, not about us.) Nobody defines us or gives us our importance.
Sending soft, safe, virtual hugs to you, {{{{Kennedy}}}}. Sometimes, not getting what we want, when we want it, is a crucial opportunity to give to ourselves, to grow, to bond with parts. Some of my best/biggest growth has happened at these times when NO ONE was there for me and I was able to be there WITH the part that hurt the most, felt abandoned, betrayed, ignored, invisible, unimportant, so lonely! You (or anybody) probably hates to hear this, but honestly, it has been in some of these times that I gained more trust with parts than ever. I somehow managed to soothe, choose, nurture, hold stuffed animals, cry, hold my parts, do whatever was needed at the time, and the child part bonded with me, and inner strength grew. The story of my life. : P Not the way I want to grow! But I will take it anyway I can get it! And Spirit/Source knows, sometimes, that's the only way it'll happen!
Sending love, healing, Light, and compassion to yous!
naturluvr <3
7/19/18
I just got a text from her. She cancelled again. So, we saw her once, two weeks ago, and now she can’t find the time for us at all. Haven’t had a therapist since November. Thought she’d be the one since she said she knows all about dissociative disorders. Whateves. I guess we’re never supposed to have a T again. Done trying to find one again. For a while anyway. She shouldn’t have told me she was available if she wasn’t. Feel like we got hosed. Used. Like she did it on purpose. Whateves. Don’t care anymore. Got some beer and a pipe. Gonna play video games and forget outside exists. We were never allowed to have wants or needs when growing up. Was bad and punishable. Shame on us.
Kennedy,
I’m so sorry your t canceled on you, again, and that you are feeling so hopeless! : ( **sigh** That sucks! My heart goes out to you. And, you have no reason for shame. None at all. Don’t give up. Please, be compassionate and loving with yourself/littles. They need you to love them and be their protector and good caretaker. I don’t blame you for turning to addictions, but if you can, indulge as little as possible. Do things for yous that are good, loving, nurturing, fun, soothing, safe, etc. Do the best you can.
I’m in a similar situation, as far as not having my needs met, for quite some time. I’ve turned inward, am making a lot of changes, and am finding more strength and ability than I thought I could muster. I’m hanging in with my t, and her (barely) with me, but it’s all very scary. I’ve had to strengthen my beliefs, faith, and actions, and change some of them, too. I’m a firm believer nothing happens by accident, and that the Universe is always working for our better good, even if it looks like hell. I used to believe the opposite, and I’ve learned it’s exponentially better, believing this way.
My love to yous. Virtual hugs {{{Kennedy and parts}}} You are not alone.
natureluvr <3
Beautifully said Naturluvr! I hope that you are able to hear all of the concern and suggestions posted by your friends here Kennedy. We are a community. We are here to support one another no matter what. You are not alone. We are here to pick each other up when we fall, to encourage each other to keep going, to hold compassionate space when we need to tell our heart stories or just sit quietly with one another. And, we will celebrate our victories along the road to healing.
Wow Naturluvr … “I’m a firm believer nothing happens by accident, and that the Universe is always working for our better good, even if it looks like hell.” I am a firm believer in the flow of life as well. I have some friends that say that I am all fairies and unicorns but … I am a believer in fairies and unicorns. These friends ask me how I can have such faith in my life being what it was intended to be given what I was asked to survive. Well, I certainly wish that I did not have to endure many parts of my life or have to deal with my DID now. But, it is who I am. And, as screwed up and painful as my life can be at times, I am also a darn okay person not because of the abuse but despite of it.
ME+WE
07/27/18
😊❤️🤗
On “vacation.” Back in a few days. Hugs. 7/16/18
T.Clark, Hope you are thoroughly enjoying your well-deserved vacation! <3 <3
naturluvr <3
7/19/18
I just wanted to give a HUGE SHOUT OUT to everyone who has participated on the “Our Normal Complicated Selves” blog.
Did you see? We have made over 1,000 comments here. FREAKIN’ AWESOME!!!!
We are standing up and speaking out … A LOT! And, we are lending a hand to lift up our friends along the way. YA – we are the DID community of survivors marching down the path to healing together; breaking the barriers of silence that have caged us in the dissociative walls of survival; shouting out our truths and courageously exposing our abuser’s vile treachery; and singing our heart music so that we can learn to feel the richness of life lived whole. When Kathy created this safe space for us last fall, she opened up the door of possibility for us to speak openly and authentically to folks who really know … who, really, really know. And, we have come together as a community of kindred spirits dedicated to speaking the truth about DID and healing.
I feel so proud to be a part of this DID community.
A BIG THANK YOU to Kathy for making this space possible for us to talk about our normal complicated selves. What a wonder you have created Kathy with this blog and the hundreds of articles and blogs on the DD website.
Take a second to count your blessings folks. If only the DD website and this blog are on your list, that is a big, wonderful something!!!
Your humble friend!
ME+WE
07/14/18
Thank you ME&WE, Kathy, and thanks to everyone. I am so grateful for this place. (I can respond only to particular posts, at particular moments, in particular ways. Just wanted you to know I read this and appreciate you, all of yous, everyone here.)
naturluvr <3
7/19/18
Understood Naturluvr,
I read everything that folks write here. Sometimes I do not respond if someone else has jumped in already or if I do not feel that I have anything potentially constructive to add. Other times I am struggling myself or life has stepped in to keep me away from my computer. Like now. Last week was stressful – an aunt I was close to died, our trip to take my mother to see her ill sister was reorganized and now I am on the road for two weeks and away from my T — ARGH!!!
ME+WE
07/22/18
Question….. some rule have changed for us. Lori is now dealing with her father on her own. that is with no help from all of us [Parts} . To long of a explanation to why its happen. /just know that it is.
I have noticed with this change the inside abusive behavior has increased. So does anybody have any suggestions on how to get it to stop? When talking with my therapist, she mentioned that she spoke with someone new. this person didn’t even know the grandchildren or know our dog. also she had told me that our dog was barking at that part. I do not want to be afraid in my inside world. you all know that what happen in our inside world is as real just like the outside. maybe even a little worse. for the fact we cant always hide from our insides .
7/14//18
Hi Sissy,
The suggestion I have is to ask inside who is upset. Is it the new person who is coming out? Or someone else who has trouble with new person coming out? Maybe kinda do a broadcast inside looking for someone who knows, even if they aren’t the ones who have the actual problem. If you can’t get answers maybe your T can ask new person/everyone. If no verbal answers maybe you can feel/sense/smell/see clues to why abuse is happening inside. Kinda do a little detective work. Looking for the themes in the internal abuse could help.
In our world sometimes abuse is not flashbacks, its same kinds of abuse but not actual memories. The themes that run through it are same though. We try to see into the themes to figure out how to help insider feel better. Ours sometimes need to do a sort of play therapy kind of thing. Outside, we have lots of figurines that represent inside, we get those out and set them up and play with them with observer person inside and outside watching to find how littles try to become more powerful and stronger, who is up, and what is happening in the play with the figurines. It helps sometimes.
Hi Kennedy
I do agree with you that being so abusive person is representing someones from the outside. They first started out targeting Jessie. (Now them. Jesse has found a way to escape them with the suggestion of a therapist By putting locks on the inside of her room so they couldn’t get in.) they are targeting me on a daily basis. It does represent the abuse ithat has happened on the outside. That caused Lori to fragment in the first place.
I think Pandora’s box was open when she started dealing with her father on her own and not receiving any help from us. This really has turned our world upside down. (It was already in a fragile state,with the loss of her husband). I’m sure with me stashing meds and using alcohol and drugs hasn’t helped a situation.
Kennedy I’m not too sure it be appropriate for me to reenact the abuse that is happening on the inside. Even if it is just the figurines. I think that it might traumatize her littlest one named Baby. Although I can see that working with other situations what a wonderful tool that is. I just want it to stop. I don’t like being abused a daily basis again. My therapist did suggest that I lock my room like Jessie . The only concern I have with that is if they can’t get to me ; will they move onto Baby?
Hi Sissy,
I just want to add a little from my perspective to the great suggestions that Kennedy has offered to you.
You have four pieces of information here that may be important to explore further.
1. Rules have changed.
2. Lori is now dealing with the father exclusively (where I take it that others participated in the past).
3. Abusive behaviour has increased inside.
4. A new insider has come out to your T (and does not hold some knowledge of your outside world).
Any one of these observations can use some inside attention (as Kennedy has suggested) to see what is happening, who is involved, what the purpose they feel that they are serving, etc. They may be related or they may not be.
So, for example, rules have changed. This may be more than just the rule of who is dealing with father. Other rules may be changing as well. Or some of your insiders may have issues with rules in the first place, how they are changed, who gets to make rules, etc.
Lori is dealing with father exclusively. Well, you may need to find out why this has changed, who changed it, who does not like this change, who feels that they have some role to play with father, etc. Maybe some inside folks feel stifled or have some issues (or needs or something else) with father that are not being recognized as a result of Lori having exclusive dealings with father. Maybe there are just some issues with father that are being stirred up and there are not being contained/dealt with in a way that is satisfying to some, etc.
Abuse has increased so someone is not happy. You may need to explore who is abusing who and why, if this a pattern when father is in the equation or when new insiders appear or if someone is not feeling heard or if they think that they are helping in some way deal with father or the new insider or something else happening in your life, etc.
A new insider … well this is really important and helpful for you as much as it may be stressful right now. It is an opportunity to find out a new aspect of yourself. So, there is just a whole lot of getting to know there.
I hope that this is helpful Sissy. It is just a process of unpacking what is going on, who is involved and why. Not so easy I know but it is signaling a whole lot of change going on that can be very helpful to your healing process in the long run. Just be patient and gentle with yourself.
ME+WE
07/14/18
Very well said, ME+WE!! Awesome insights and clearly stated. We love how you truly reach out and help others here. You are considerate, thoughtful, knowledgeable, and kind. We adore yous.
❤️
Thank you for The helpful insight
Well dear friend, we adore all that is Kennedy!!! Thank you for your very generous comments. They are very much appreciated. I so respect and admire you Kennedy. Your kind words mean more to me than I can ever say.
I truly believe that we all have such a wonderful wealth of knowledge, compassion and understanding to share with one another. And we have been truly blessed to have our brilliant Kathy who has selflessly created this safe, thoughtful and inspiring space for us. I know that we have all been through such horror by heartless perpetrators but now we have our heart mamma Kathy to show us what true caring is all about.
I do worry about the family crisis that Kathy is dealing with and certainly have been concerned that I did not want to cause her more work by posting here (that she then had to moderate). But, I came to the belief that the best thing that we can do for Kathy right now is to make sure that her DD website love child is cared for. So, maybe that means that we can keep posting while being patient with when Kathy can do the moderating. Whether our comments get posted or not, our heart energy for this space and Kathy will be felt.
Thank you Kennedy for your lovely comments and dear Kathy for your enduring dedication to offering love to your kin family and your adopted DID family.
With the kindest regard,
ME+WE
07/16/18
❤️❤️❤️
When can I be done?
Hello Dear None,
Can I ask you to say more about what you mean. I am not sure that I know what you are asking here. I would sure like to talk to you more about this if you want to. In any case, I sure hope that you know that you are seen and heard here and that we care about you.
ME+WE
07/14/18
Ok thank you. Scared and done.
Hello Dear None.
Oh … I am very sorry that you are scared. That is not a nice feeling at all. Maybe someone in the system can help you make a safe place to go to when you are feeling scared. My little ones have a sunshine tent made out of sheets. They have blankets, pillows and stuffed animals in there too.
This is a safe place to come to as well.
ME+WE
07/15/18
I was just thinking that we need to check in here! We saw the post about Cathy’s granddaughter so we posted there first. We are still in therapy, and working. Our husband is still not allowing us to talk much about our parts/who they are, their experiences. It has made things difficult.
Our therapist has canceled on meeting us in person a lot in the last few months, so we are struggling with feelings of rejection, sadness, and anger. We are trying so hard to get better, but it is a slow process.
We have been spending a lot of time alone. Quietness seems to settle everyone down. We have had a stressful week; hoping things will get back to normal soon.
Hey DK !!
So happy to see you! Thought about you all and wondered how yous was doing. Sorry to hear about the husband and the therapist. Really wish things were better for you all.
If you all do drive down to TX, stop off in OK and pick us up! That would be so cool!
Take care of yous.
Hi DK,
How wonderful to hear your voice here. I have been a thinking about you and wondering how things were going. I am deeply sorry that things are so rough with the husband and your T. Kind of makes me mad because I so want nice, caring support for you in your face-to-face world. You certainly have that here any time that you want to talk.
I understand the need to have time just to yourself. I do that a lot. I was just telling my T about that actually and how I feel so useless most times – just a big slug that does not accomplish anything. She pointed out to me that just managing the chaos in my head and navigating the simple necessities of life is a BIG something that takes an enormous amount of brain power to do (i.e., far more than singletons).
The journey to healing sure is a slow and painful one. There is no sugar coating that fact I am afraid. I have found that the secret is to find at least one good moment in each day and focus on that. There usually are a whole lot of bad moments but the real trick is to recognize the good things. That may simply be a small moment of cooperation with your insiders, having a nice lunch, someone smiling at you, laughing at a TV show, petting the cat, whatever. It does not have to be big to be important to your day.
Remember that you are not alone here DK. We are always here for you.
Your friend,
ME+WE
07/14/18
Thank you so much Kennedy and ME+WE. I agree the road to healing is slow and ardeous. I feel overwhelmed, and had a “firefighter” come out this morning to block us. Anyone else have blockers in the therapy process? This in gets defensive and angry, and gets mad when the therapist cancels. She is tired in many ways, and scared and hurt.
Sometimes we wonder if we will ever get better, and it gets discouraging. We did have a blessing that we get to have 3 sessions of therapy a week right now. This week we did 2. I can talk and text her, and she responds if she has time. We are 1 1/2 years “in” to therapy, and we are finally aware of most of our parts. There are 4 or 5 that come out.
Does anyone do “Internal Family Systems” therapy work? I find the idea that everyone has “parts” that form at different times in our life for different reasons. It makes the idea of a DID diagnoses much less scary to me.
Hi DK,
Well, I have certainly had insiders act out in therapy. I have an angry one who will interrupt and speak bluntly (and not in a kind way) about me; another little one whose job it is to break in and lighten things up when things get too tense; ones that will just silence me so I am not able to talk at all; and ones who do physical things to stop me like pinning my arm behind my back, choking me, etc. So … yes … dealing with insiders in therapy can be a big challenge. Some times they do not like what I am saying or how I am saying it or just plain do not want some subjects discussed at all. It becomes a process of negotiation to let them all be heard but also for them to learn to respect you (and each other) and what you (and the others) need to say as well.
It is a slow process though. Remember that you did not get to where you are quickly so there is a lot to unpack and undo and that takes time. And, it also takes time so that you do not overwhelm yourself with what needs to come out. My T gives me the same talk time and again about being patient with myself and the pace of my work. Then she quotes the old adage – the slower you go, the faster you will get there. Drives me crazy sometimes because, although I know that she is right, I just want to get it done already. ARGH!!! But, I was in individual therapy for eight years and group therapy for five of those years and I never did find out about my insiders and the abuse. I have been with my current T for almost five years now. It took six months before my first insider appeared. The others followed over time. I met the last one (I think that she is the last one but I am open to others if they are there) a little over a year ago. So, I have come to accept that the process is necessarily slow and to be patient with myself as much as I long for an end to the healing process. But, then again, perhaps healing is a life-long process that is not intended to have a beginning or an end.
As for “Internal Family Systems” therapy I am not aware of this type of therapy. My T does emphasize with me that everyone has alter egos – different ways that they present themselves in different situations – e.g., you act one way with your friends, another way at work and yet another way with your partner, etc. She emphasizes that that is normal. What she says happened to me is that my different selves had to fracture off (because of trauma) and were not integrated into one whole sense of self. Over time, because of continued abuse, these different selves became separated from the host me and even the other parts of me by dissociative walls that protected each part one from the other and me the host. What we are doing in therapy is taking down these dissociative walls so the different selves can become co-conscious and work together. That does not mean “integration” in the sense of loosing these different selves but rather integration into a common and cooperative way of being. Not sure if I have explained that properly or in a way that is understandable.
I hope that this helps DK. So glad that you asked about this. I will be interested to hear what others have to say.
Take good care of yourself DK and please try to be patient and gentle with all of yous.
ME+WE
07/16/18
Hi DK,
Good to hear from you. Goodness, yes! I have had blockers, often, in the therapy process. BTW, I love IFS, Internal Family Systems (Richard Schwartz and Jay Earley) therapy principles. I keep telling myself I want to re-read a couple of books I have on it. But, for instance, Jay Earley’s book, Self-Therapy, has so much information about parts and is overwhelming to parts that can’t handle knowing, or my knowing about them.) The concepts have helped me to better embrace, and to better understand my parts, myself, and people in general. I do believe everyone has parts. I believe in the multiplicity theory, stating, roughly…we all have worlds of personality and aspects inside, different parts that handle things at different times, depending on the trigger, stress level, what’s at hand to do, and who or what we’re dealing with (to name a few). As far as parts, I think it’s just a matter of degrees of separation and dissociation for each one of us. Personally, I think most people are so cut off from child parts, they haven’t the vaguest memory or idea of them (therefore the unending chaotic, sick, ignorant, immoral and unethical state of the world, in so many people, generation after generation. That which is repressed and unconscious is as powerful, and often more powerful than the conscious. And when so much is unknown and blocked, it’s no wonder the SOUL of man is the most extinct “species” on the planet.
I still haven’t studied enough IFS to fully know the difference between a manager, protector, and firefighter. Sometimes it’s easy, and sometimes, not. Exiles are easier to figure out. My t works from a parts-perspective. She turned me on to IFS and it certainly made my dissociative symptoms easier to tolerate and accept, in the beginning especially.
I remember the first time I read, Coping with Trauma Related Dissociation; Skills Training for Patients and Therapists (Boon, Steele, Van Der Hart). It took me a while to be able to even look at it. I was so scared to read it. That book helped me too, and still does, when I refer to it.
DK, I’m sorry you are married to a man that is unwilling, and/or unable to hear you, see you, know you. : ( Your parts are you! I just cannot imagine. I hope your t stops cancelling on you. : ( That is just painful. And, I’m glad you are still able to see her/him so often. That is good.
Take care. Don’t be gone out there for too long. We like hearing from you.
naturluvr <3
naturluvr,
You are so smart. I like reading your posts about IFS, I never heard of it til recently and haven’t been able to read anything about it yet. I like what you say and you have responded to us in very helpful ways with all your knowledge. I should start reading more about this stuff. I was told a long time ago not to read anything or talk to others cuz it may contaminate our memories, so we steered clear of everything. Now, I feel like I’m in the dark often and really wish I would have done differently.
Thank you for writing all your thoughtful posts. And for sharing yourselves with us. Very cool. 🙂
Kennedy says
You are so smart. I like reading your posts about IFS, I never heard of it til recently and haven’t been able to read anything about it yet. I like what you say and you have responded to us in very helpful ways with all your knowledge. I should start reading more about this stuff. I was told a long time ago not to read anything or talk to others cuz it may contaminate our memories, so we steered clear of everything. Now, I feel like I’m in the dark often and really wish I would have done differently.
Thank you for writing all your thoughtful posts. And for sharing yourselves with us. Very cool. 🙂
Kennedy,
Wow! Awww shucks! Thank you, dear friend! I so love to receive sincere, and heartfelt, words of gratitude. What a wonderful gift you have given me! <3 <3 <3
And I'm sorry someone convinced you to stay away from reading and talking to people in order to not "contaminate" your memories. : P (I'll bite my tongue on what I really feel and have to say about that!) Feel free to start anytime, but don't "should" on yourself. Read/talk, what, when, and if you feel like it. Let your heart, intuition, passion, and adult discernment be your guide.
naturluvr
7/19/18
Hi,
I want to second Kennedy’s shout out to you Naturluvr. I learn so much from your postings as well. I sincerely wish that I was as well read as you (and T.Clark who is often pointing us in the direction something helpful). Your postings really help me explore new ideas and perspectives.
I am not a reader. Yes that is a strange admission from someone who teaches. I have learning disabilities – dyslexia mainly. I did not find out about this until seven years ago. I am a late bloomer all around. I have learned that this is not uncommon for folks who have experienced childhood trauma. Not sure if anyone else here has learning problems. I always have thought that I as just stupid but that is not the case. We have to have very creative minds to have figured out our DID way of coping. Anyway, these comments just triggered my insecurities about my learning difficulties and I just wanted to give a shout out to others here who may also have this problem.
ME+WE
07/19/18
DK,
I also have much interference in therapy and get discouraged by the effort and time it takes to heal. My system started “failing” 15 years ago. Several times in the process, I believed that I was destined to either be institutionalized or die at my own hand. It has taken a lot of consistent effort to get to this point. It was 9 years ago I was dx with DID and 5 years ago when I worked with a T who knew about DID and helped me understand it a bit more. It was almost one year ago I switched to a sensorimotor psychotherapist (SP) that does some IFS work. I added Equine therapy 8 months ago.
The progress I have made in the last year is slow, yet solid. My T explained the three stages of work in SP: 1) Stabilization 2) working with traumatic memory and 3) re-integration. After nearly one year with my current T, I am still in stage 1.
Building trust and learning to stay within my narrow “window of tolerance” took about 8 months. It was in my T’s group when IFS was introduced to me. The idea that every person has parts is helpful because I see a commonality with everyone. People who do not have DID and know IFS talk about their own parts much like I talk about mine. It normalizes my parts and as you said DK, makes it “less scary”.
Because of my T’s approach, I have not had an amnesic switch in my T’s office. Yet I cannot even talk about anger or fear with my T because of interfering parts. Having permission from all the parts, recognizing interruptions/protective efforts and asking parts to step back, takes a massive amount of effort for me and my system and keen observation from my T. It is arduous!!!
Thanks, DK for sharing your experience. It helps me to feel I am not alone and encourages me to keep moving forward.
Sarah D.
7/18/18
Hello All,
Just a shout out to you all (or y’all as Kathy would say). There has been some silence out there with some folks who have not checked into the DD website for some time. You may no doubt be reading, maybe are on holiday, busy working or trying to stay cool, etc. But, sure do hope that you are doing okay. That includes you too Miss Kathy. Just wanted y’all to know that we are here for you and thinking about you.
Your friend,
ME+WE
07/12/18
ME+WE,
Thank you for reaching out. It feels good to know someone cares, and says so. I’m sorry I’ve been silent for awhile. (I’m guessing I’m one of the peeps you were referring to.) I have difficulty when others don’t show up for [even 2] days, and I miss them. I’m sorry I’ve now done the same. And, I’m dealing with such loneliness at this time in my life, more than ever. Go figure. I guess someone was trying to protect me.
My depression has continued, and I did feel bad sharing my sadness, again and again. I still have a part feeling the need to cry, and not being able to. : ( Not sure of the reason/s why, though I have a few guesses. I’ve been staying busy during the day, but as the sun starts to go down, I feel more down, and it’s usually then I feel the need to cry the most. Then, I busy myself with food and a movie, usually. In the daytime, I’ve been busy distracting, doing house projects and, at times, spending time with my neighbor. I’m going back to work at the end of the month, so I’m further compelled to get some projects done. Though, because of my depression, it’s REALLY slow-going.
I feel, some part/s feel/s, VERY unhappy inside, and with my life as it is (even though, sometimes, I can feel pretty fortunate, considering all). I’m dumbstruck as for what to do about this consuming part of me, and have just kept putting one foot in front of the other. I have T today. This may be a reason why I came to DD today. Think I was just keeping things quiet inside, and keeping possible triggers to a minimum. Surprises me it’s been 10 days. (The session before last, my t was threatening to quit on me. This is a reason I stayed away from DD. Didn’t want to talk about it all. Didn’t want parts to “take the ball and run with it,” with all their feelings, leading me into a place I didn’t want to be. And some part feels worse when she can’t communicate the way she wishes she could, here.)
Now that I’m writing again, I have more to say (never at a loss for words, once I get rolling), but I’ll save it for a little bit later. Thank you, {{{ME+WE}}}, you’re the best friend I’ve had in a long time. Hugs to you, friend. <3
naturluvr
Hi Naturluvr,
Yes indeed I was wondering how you were and was concerned about you especially given the difficulties that you were going through. I did not want to think that you were alone and not able to reach out here. I also wanted you to know that we are here for you through thick and thin. You are not alone dear friend. You have folks here who care about you and want to help if we can even if that is just listening and holding space for you as you process your stuff.
In that regard, please do not apologize for doing what you need to do for yourself (i.e., hibernating for a while and just shutting things down inside) or talking about whatever you need to talk about even if that is over and over and over again. Sometimes we just need to do that and it is okay. We all understand that. If folks do not want to read what we need to say they can choose not to.
I am so sad to hear that you are so lonely and unhappy (maybe has something to do with going back to work?). That is certainly not a nice place to be stuck in. I think that you are handling it remarkable well though. As tough as it is to do, just keeping moving forward even if that is just a tiny bit each day, moves you along the path to healing. Kudos to you for doing that. And, if you need to cry, well then that is what you need to do. No judgments. No punishments. No needing answers even. Just doing what you need to do to process your stuff.
I hope that you got things sorted out with your T. Do you have a problem letting your inside part that wants to talk here do so? Maybe it is not safe for you to let her talk here but, she is welcome do so as far as I can see (i.e., insiders are welcome to post on the DD website).
So glad to hear your voice dear Naturluvr. Please know that, even when you are not posting here, you are thought of with warm wishes, positive energy and lots of hugs.
❤️🤗🦄 (unicorn from my little one Squirrel)
Your friend,
ME+WE
07/17/18
Hi Folks,
Today is the anniversary of my father’s death three years ago. He was not a physical/sexual abuser but there were deep issues none-the-less. My two main abusers were at the funeral (one by surprise). The next day I was forced to sit alone with said abuser for about 20 minutes while he told me all about his sexual conquests and sex life. I was paralyzed. It was like being abused all over again.
Anyway, I am not good at remembering anniversaries but my sister texted me today mostly about my mother but I think to remind me too (she is good at organizing everyone’s life). Not sure what I am supposed to do with this knowledge. I have not yet cried for my father’s passing or truly mourned for that matter. Not sure what keeps me from that.
Not sure why I am posting this – just feel a need to acknowledge all of this.
ME+WE
07/11/18
ME+WE
I am sorry for your loss. It is good to keep those dates in mind. I have found that even if I don’t remember or have feelings about it, someone in my system does. And when I don’t pay attention to those types of stirrings, internal things get louder and usually more parts get activated. If I continue to discount or distract myself from the parts that are activated, they tend to “break out” (take over) and usually not to play or do kind acts. Your post reminds me I have a potential trigger day in a few days, and I must plan precautions.
I am also very angry that your abuser re-abused you! I am so sad that it happened to you and all your little ones. No wonder you hit a brick wall in your recovery! Ugh, maybe in your mind when you replay that scenario, three years ago, you envision yourself as able to move and do something to help yourself be free of that garbage. Yuck!
It is okay to not cry or mourn about your father. You said there were deep issues with your father, so that makes it more complex than crying and “letting go”.
Thank you for posting, it does help.
With love,
Sarah D.
7/11/18
Dear Sarah D,
Thank you so much for your kind and insightful words. You were right on the money. Today in my T session one of my insiders did indeed speak about his (and another’s) dismay over the anniversary of my father’s death. Just when I was thinking that it was just another day. You are right to keep such dates in mind and plan ahead. I will try to be more mindful of that in the future myself. Also worked on my propensity to self-sacrifice and my family’s expectation of this from me. I really need to find the anger and courage not to let myself be abused anymore.
As a side note, the two abusers at my father’s funeral three years ago have both died since. What a weird feeling!
Thank you dear friend.
ME+WE
07/12/18
ME+WE,
Sorry, it took me so long to respond to this post. Sorry, you were reminded unnecessarily about your father’s death. : ( Thanks sis! NOT. I’m so sorry you were re-abused by your perp! Only 3 years ago! Ugh! : P Having to listen to his vomiting, nasty, information. I wish so much I could have been there to pull you away from him.
No worries about mourning your dad. If you need, when you need, you will. When my dad died, I felt nothing, but maybe relief. (I processed anger and rage for years, and years, prior.) I never mourned his death, and never felt bad about it. He was an awful, awful, father. He put a roof over my head, made money for us to have what was needed… clothes, food, schooling. I can see I don’t want to write more. Thanks for your post. It’s made me realize parts still have plenty of feelings inside, about him. I actually feel grateful to know feelings are there… maybe better said, grateful that PARTS are there. I don’t care much about my father, what I do care about is what my parts suffered for living with that man for 18 years of my life.
{{ME+WE}}, sending hugs, healing, Light, blessings, rainbows : ) and lots of chocolate : ) : )
Your friend,
naturluvr <3
7/19/18
Hi KenKen,
This is super exciting news. Kudos to you on your courage and resilience in your search to find a new T. I hope that others who are facing the same struggle here can take heart in your posting.
BTW – chuckled when you said that you probably talked too much. Hum … sort of what therapy is all about eh?! Okay just teasing. You sound so happy. That is so nice to hear!
❤️👍😎
ME+WE
07/11/18
OH MY GOSH!!!!!
We went to a new t today…
We gotta tell you all how it went!
We are so so so excited!
It went GREAT!
We told her about us, about inside and outside and in between. And, told her we used to know her but cant remember her. She says she vaguely remembers us. YAY! It’s been over 20 years.
We talked about all kinds of stuff. And got a little nervous and talked too much probably but we are okay. Told her about Seven and Melissa. And Lora and Lawrence. And Eric. Not on purpose told her about Eric. We used his email address responding to her for insurance and had to explain that. Opps. She was good about it.
She knows, just like Kathy, she knows all about DID and she is okay with everything!!!!!!!!!
We are SO EXCITED!!
We told her about DD and our friends there.
We are so happy right now! We see her again next friday at 10a.
YAY!
I hope you are having a fantastic day!
We went to the store after and B bought the younger kids a book to read 🙂 Harry Potter. 🙂
Present for doing so good. 🙂
Okay, we’ll go now.
Okay, take care of yous. 🙂
ttyl
Want to come here today. Have been in an extremely desperate and depressed state for quite a while. This has nothing to do with the news of the show not airing.
It’s been going on for quite a while.
We are struggling with financially and now have people wanting to sue us for money. Already struggling to pay for medications that I have to have.
Went off my antidepressants. Haven’t seen a psychiatrist or anyone else for that. Can’t find one STILL.
Haven’t been to therapy at all for SEVERAL weeks. Ok. So even I know this isn’t good for me and my system.
Don’t want you all to be concerned. Been wanting to self destruct. Now I know I really need to go to therapy.
I’m spending more time crying and can’t get out of this deep depression I’m in. I really need to see a doctor who can prescribe medication. My Therapist hasn’t been helpful in that. My doc I see for normal stuff won’t prescribe anything for depression.
I was told by a nurse that I should call it phooey. I have asked, demanding several times. I asked to be referred to another doc.
I keep getting told that it would take several visits before anyone would prescribe anything at all.
I honestly cannot afford to go inpatient. Finding it difficult to pay the bills the way they are.
Much much more going on in my life.
Im trying to hold on. With every fabric of our being. We struggle through one minute at a time.
It’s just past summer solstice here in USA. Lots of people in Dissociative realm struggling right now.
Just wanted to say we understand.. all to well.
Dear All the Jill People,
WOW … do I ever hear you. It seems like the Age of Depression and Desperation has swallowed us all up in its darkness. I wish that I had a magic potion to make it all go away but alas I have not found the book of healing formulas yet. I have been allowed to glimpse at a few pages but … here we struggle.
I wish that I had some brilliant advice to give you All the Jill People. I do think that you are on the right track in understanding that you need to see your T and find someone who can prescribe some antidepressants (the original prescribing doctor is not available?). Oh, and finding an understanding ear here is also on target.
Sending positive, healing energy and a warm hug (if hugs are allowable by your folks).
ME+WE
07/1
So we thought we would like to tell y’all that the show we participated in last year is a bust. We will be writing more details on the thread Kathy started about seeing DID on tv.
We don’t regret participating at all…
If you want to follow up on the other.. we will be writing there.
To The Party of T.Clark,
I loved that you told us how you got your name! That was super cool. We hope anxiety and rememberies are slowing down now after so long they’ve been up and out.
I was just reading about losing t’s and how hard it’s been for us for a while now. You said something to us that lit a fire of hopeful ideas then, and we just want to remember now and tell you that because you reached out to us and said what you said, there is a light inside.
You said;
“Kennedy, we care so much about your pain. It makes total sense that losing your T would trigger all your painful losses.
You were not bad as a child, as a teen, and you aren’t bad now. There is divine in you. You are the sun, the brightest star anyone can see. You are a warrior against the pain of loss and the past. You are love, for keeping your insiders safe the best way you know how, for sharing yourself with your friends in this community.
You are hope. The Now is a safe place. The safest!
If you think it’s time, maybe a new T can help you grieve and grow and continue your healing journey. You are so worth it.
With affection,
T.Clark 2/26/18”
Hooray for fires and hope and caring! Thanks for letting us know we contributed, KenKen. You are a shining star in our universe. ⭐️ ❤️ 7/9/18
Hi everyone,
We have been in such a bad place lately that feeling good feels really really good! Hope that your lives are feeling the darkness lift, too.
Good things we have done recently…
We named two stuffy fur kitties Aurora and Fiona. (Shout out, Miss P. tyvm 🙂 )
We been playing Everwing on fb for hours and hours on end. Fun and distracting.
We cleaned our apartment and freshened up the place. Open windows and let some air and light in.
We made Blackened chicken with broccoli and fettuccine alfredo. OMG YUM.
We binge watched an old sitcom, Grace Under Fire. Fun.
We hope everybody else is having better times than lately, too. If you have, can you let us know what you been doing? Is things getting lighter for you?
ps. ty Kathy for answering the kids’ questions and being kind. It calmed down some little people scared feels.
Hi Kennedy and All,
Not sure if lighter is the way to describe how I am feeling but maybe increasingly manageable is more to the point … hum … so I guess that that is lighter. We were all raised in darkness and it can become just too comfortable and familiar to let go of. The light of life is too intense for these once dormant eyes to see. Got to put my sunglasses on and open that door!!!
So, what have I been doing?
Trying to meditate more often. I do not know why I keep running away from something that feels so good. Guess that I am afraid of feeling good.
Binge watching Netflix and Acorn TV (just got them) – The Nanny, Grace and Frankie, Miss Marple, 800 Words and Shetland.
Playing with my granddaughter (17 months old) and learning how to see a loving world through the eyes and experience of a beautiful, innocent child. What wondrous lessons she is teaching me.
Planning our trip down east (with my mother to visit my aunt). I love the east coast but it is also filled with trauma memories so I am devising ways to enjoy myself while shielding my insiders from the bad stuff.
Playing Pearl’s Peril on my iPad – I am at the point of hating the game but I am almost to the end … hahaha
Thanks for asking Kennedy. That was fun to think about!
ME+WE
07/09/18
PS – love the stuffy fur kitties’ names — Aurora and Fiona so sweet!
Instead of hummingbirds, I have Yellow Orioles at my hummingbird feeder. It was a shock, the first time I saw one. I didn’t know any other birds liked sugar water. Now, I know. Two males were fighting over the feeder, the other day.
I prefer the hummingbirds. (Sorry big guys.) The Orioles are beautiful, but they consume a lot more food, and faster, and seem to keep the hummingbirds away. Yet I did see one (a hummer) shoot over, drink, and leave in a jiffy, one day. That’s all I’ve seen, though.
I enjoy seeing the Orioles, as pretty as they are, but I miss the hummingbirds.
naturluvr
7/6/18
Super cool, naturluvr! House finches will also consume sugar water from our hummingbird feeder. We put out an oriole feeder to occupy Baltimore orioles and house finches, and it mostly works. We fill the cups with bulk strawberry jelly.
What else do you like to see? 🐦
HazelE, that sux! We see Ts 5 days per week, so we understand wanting to keep options open for more sessions. We also understand not wanting to need/care about/love your T. You don’t want it to hurt so much if current T leaves, right?
We don’t know if Ts rate clients on frustration. You have so many qualities that hopefully a mental health professional doesn’t reduce you to a word. You are many things. We hope you’ll let you be your perfect, normal, complicated self—just as this blog thread says. 💕
7/7/18
Hey naturluvr,
We love hummingbirds! They’re so little! And fast! I wish the Orioles would go away and the Hummers would come back for you to watch.
Oh but Orioles are so beautiful too (well, at least the orange kind I have never seen a Yellow Oriole). They are more rare than Hummingbirds where I live. We actually put out an Oriole feeder (big round orange thing) … hahahaha.
We used to live two doors down from an animal sanctuary housed in a small store in Toronto, Ontario (ya right in the city but animals have to be rescued everywhere). Anyway, the fellow who ran the sanctuary was incredible with animals. One day I passed by and he was standing in the doorway talking to a hummingbird that was perched on his finger!!!!
Two weekends ago I was at an all day meditation retreat. At one point in the day, we were asked to go out and experience nature – REALLY experience it as in pick a tree or flower or whatever and really look at it and communicate with it. Well, I went out and found a tree calling to me. It was hard to get to (there were closer trees that would have been very easy to get to) but this one pine tree was calling me to him. I went over, stood precariously on a rock on the side of the hill and took in the energy of this old fellow. I ran my hands over his rough bark, gave him a big hug and then stood there my hands on either side and my forehead resting on him. With all of his scars and rough exterior he was soft and beautiful. He smelled so luscious, not overpowering just small whiffs of pine perfume. And we shared our soul energy – just two creations of Mother Nature sharing a special moment of oneness. When I was finally called back to the circle, I could feel our energies clinging to one another and not wanting to let go. I was incredibly sad to break the bond but so thankful that we had shared that time together.
We have so much to learn from animals and nature.
Maybe folks will want to share their experiences with nature or go out and have an experience now.
ME+WE
07/07/18
We had a terrible day because we were blindsided when we got to T because her office is moving far away except for one day a week. So we can see her once a week as usual but we would need to go to her new office for a second session and we don’t know if it’s possible. And we should be ok with once a week because that’s what normal people do, but instead we sat in her office unable to talk because we felt like we would die if we started to cry and we had to pinch ourselves as hard as we could to keep the tears back.
We are trying not to go to a very, very dark place, and when we say what is going on it doesn’t sound so bad. She’s not leaving completely… at least, she says she isn’t. But how do I know? I don’t know if I can trust her not to leave. I already lost my last T after 7 years, and it feels like I can’t survive that again, and I can’t start over again. But I also don’t think I can manage on one session a week even though I want to be able to – and I’m always sure I’m wasting her time because I’m so frustrating and it’s hard for me to talk, sometimes at all. I’m sure that in all her years, she’s never had anyone as frustrating as me… even though she never seems annoyed, but that’s even scarier because I don’t know when she will get mad or what will put her over the edge. Today it felt like it would be now, when I’m sitting in her office and I can’t soean because I might cry about this stupid pathetic little reason. She’s going to be able to tell that I need her, and that feels incredibly, intensely dangerous and tonight I feel scared and like I’ll never feel safe again.
HazelE,
I’m sorry you lost your last t after 7 years. That’s hard. It’s a loss that needs to be grieved, mourned, brings up past losses and feelings of abandonment. I know how difficult it can be. It’s no wonder you are now scared. (Bring in the blankies, stuffed animals, pillows, hot chocolate, etc.)
Please, join me in giving the most frightened parts of you thoughts of reassurance, safety, and love. It’s our thoughts that give us the most trouble. Your t is not leaving completely. Trust her at her word, and talk to her about your fears and concerns. Cry, if you feel the need. Let it out. Sharing feelings with our t brings bonding and connection (with her and within ourselves).
Somewhere I learned, the Universe is always working for my highest good. When I started believing it, is when I started seeing the truth. The walls and stumbling blocks I complained about, were put there for a reason, and after some time of banging my head against them, I realized they actually helped me. I became stronger and moved forward in my growth, despite some part complaining the whole way! I’m better for it. The part of me that was fighting is changing, slowly, and learning trust in me, and in my new life. (I agree with her. My old life was scary and negative. My present life is not.) Maybe, just maybe, seeing your t once a week, instead of two, will catalyze you to express your feelings? Maybe the one session will be of higher quality? Sometimes, when time is more precious, we get down to business sooner. (I know I do.) And, if you really wanted to, even if it’s difficult, you could go see her, if you had to, for a second visit. That’s what I would tell my littles.
I would take her on her word, that she’ll see you once a week and won’t leave (after confirming with her). That’s a blessing, considering she’s moving the rest of the time. Feel joy in that. When we focus on the good in our life, it expands. (Whatever we focus on, expands.)
“I’m wasting her time…”
“In all her years, she’s never had anyone as frustrating as me…”
“I might cry about this stupid pathetic little reason.”
My heart goes out to you for the abuse that you have suffered. It is very clear how someone talked to you. Please, tenderly give yourself more compassion and understanding. You are not wasting her time, or yours. Therapy, and our feelings, can feel as if in a desert sometimes. I’m sure she’s had more frustrating times. A past t used to tell me talking to me, trying to get me to talk, was like trying to pull teeth! : ) There is never a time when crying is stupid or pathetic. When we have a need to cry, it is legit, important, and honoring to do it, if we can let go.
It seems you’ve been triggered by the thought of losing your t. I wish I could help you tend to your triggered feelings and get to a calmer, safer place. It’s all going to be okay, HazelE. Put your thoughts in a place of safety and love for yourself. I am… putting my thoughts in a place of peace, safety, and love for you. This will work out. I know you can do this and be kind to yourself in the process.
Sending peace, Light, courage, and support,
naturluvr <3
Hi HazelE,
I’m so sorry that your t is moving office. I can totally relate to the fear of what you’re saying about wondering if once a week will be enough or/and if what she said was actually true regarding her sticking around for the once a week sessions. It’s a tough tough place to be. And waiting (for us at least) to figure it all out and let it calm down on its own is really hard to do. We usually do something to force an end to it. Never has been a good idea. We are absolutely not good at outside world change. I hope it works out for the best for you and your insiders. Something that works sometimes for us is to not do anything other than what was already planned, for a while.
Hi HazelE,
I’m so sorry that your t is moving office. I can totally relate to the fear of what you’re saying about wondering if once a week will be enough or/and if what she said was actually true regarding her sticking around for the once a week sessions. It’s a tough tough place to be. And waiting (for us at least) to figure it all out and let it calm down on its own is really hard to do. We usually do something to force an end to it. Never has been a good idea. We are absolutely not good at outside world change. I hope it works out for the best for you and your insiders. Something that works sometimes for us is to not do anything other than what was already planned and we know is safe, for a while.
Oh my gosh HazelE, I can really hear and understand why you are so off balance right now. Let’s face it, change (particularly change of this nature with your T moving to another office) can be very upsetting. My T lets me know wwwaaayyyy in advance when she is going to miss a session because she knows how upsetting it can be. I even hate it when she makes changes in her office! Having such a big change sprung on you is certainly upsetting HazelE. Especially since you have lost a T before. My T retired after eight years together and it took me 26 years before I could face going to another T (although I wish I had done so earlier but …). I know how the fear of abandonment just sends shock waves through you. What I am trying to say here HazelE is that your reaction is perfectly understandable and reasonable.
BTW – most “normal people” have not gone through the horrors that you have survived for one and are not smart enough to know that therapy is a lifeline for survival, growth and healing. You do not have to compare yourself to anyone. You do what is best for you … period. No need to explain. And, I think that your T will understand … tears and all. She knows that she is important to you. Heck, that is what the therapeutic alliance is all about.
Now, try the one session a week and see how it feels. If your T thinks that it is doable for you, no harm in trying. If that does not work out, I am sure that you can work out another plan. I so wanted to see my T more than once a week but she encouraged me to stick with it. Having the time in between helps me to sort stuff out, build my own coping and soothing mechanisms and keeps me from being “overloaded” with more stuff than my system can cope with. So there can be some benefits to seeing your T just once a week.
Remember that we are here to listen and help you HazelE. You are not alone!
Your friend sending lots of hugs (if that is okay) and positive energy your way.
ME+WE
07/07/18
Kathy,
Sorry. Never mind about deleting the post. It’s already been responded to.
Hugs ‘n prayers ‘n healing ‘n Light!
naturluvr
Jesla: our spouse is a woman of substance. It’s part of who she is and part of what makes her the love of our life. We do not love her in spite of any quality or characteristic. We love her unconditionally and enthusiastically.
Caden: you have a job!!!!!!!! We admire that you make a difference for kids and participate in society. Where does Professional growth rank among your priorities? Can that help with perspective? We used to teach. We liked making lessons. Creative.
All: survive when you must; live more fully when you can. 7/4/18
Hi T.Clark,
What a wonderful tribute to your wife. How remarkable that you can love her so fully, completely and unconditionally. That says to me that you have incredible character that you can be someone so loving when that has certainly not been how you have been treated by folks in your past. If you are looking for hope and healing T.Clark, take a look at what you have accomplished in your relationship with your wife. Darn impressive from this vantage point.
Oh and I hope that your system has settled down from all of the fireworks. We do this for our July 1st Canada celebrations. I am lucky because I have some little ones who love fireworks. I let them have their fun.
Take good care.
ME+WE
07/07/18
Fucking Independence Day fireworks. We wish people would light all their fireworks only on Independence Day and not make it Independence Week. Even with white noise, we can feel the vibrations of fireworks from miles away. Xanax and reassuring selves that they are just fireworks–no real threat.
When we were 8, our grandfather was dying of cancer. He was on morphine and so sedated that the fireworks didn’t rouse him, even though fireworks that boom and don’t flash. Ick. Fireworks and dying. Awful association.
Hope y’all get some peace tonight, too. Kathy, you’ll have fireworks in Texas whereas you wouldn’t have in Australia. Hope they are pretty for you and granddaughter.
Kathy,
Please, delete the post to SeekingOurFreedom which starts with “Is it unkind for me to say those are my sentiments exactly?”
Thank you. It’s a duplicate.
Happy 4 of July. I hope your grand-daughter is healing well, and I send love, to you and yours.
naturluvr <3
7/3/18
Hi ME+WE and naturluvr
Thank you for your kindness and encouragement to talk. I’m not so good at that when things are really hard but it does help knowing that you care. naturluvr, why would I think it’s unkind for you to say you feel the same way? Your words have only ever been full of kindness and compassion. I definitely don’t think you are being unkind at all and I’m sorry you feel the same way.
Our T is away and I know she needs a break. I completely respect that and I want her to look after herself. It’s just rubbish timing is all. I’ve very recently learned of something that happened, trauma I didn’t know about before. The flashbacks and body memories are intense to say the least, and it’s hard without her to talk to. I don’t share my history with lots of people, far from it, but this new information is really difficult. I think most people wouldn’t be able to cope with it. That’s why those of us who know are feeling quite alone because it’s a reminder of what it was like before. No one listened or cared. No one wanted to help. I know T will be back and she’ll continue to help us work through all this but right now, I don’t know how to hold on until she’s back.
I’ve tried to write this is in a non-triggering way while also being true to what is being felt. I hope it’s ok.
SeekingOurFreedom
SeekingOurFreedom,
It’s more than okay! (It’s also okay even if it’s triggering.) I was worried about being unkind because my mother would always tell me about herself, or somebody else, when I told her something about me. She couldn’t give me time, support and compassion. I worry sometimes that I might mimic her poor supportive skills (none–she had none). Thank you for your kindness. I’m feeling so sad and depressed, your words incited tears. (I need to cry. Thank you. And can’t and don’t even know why I feel so lousy.) (Though might have something to do with some info I found out recently, like you, but I haven’t much knowledge about it.)
I’m glad you shared. It really does help when we help one another, know we KNOW about so many of the feelings, having so much in common. (I’m having new memories, too.) Yuch! Difficult. Yes. Difficult! And so much darn loneliness going through this stuff without someone, IRL, to talk to, who knows what it’s like, or who’s safe and loves us enough to hold us and support us! : p. (Those of you who have this. Kudos.) I’m sorry your t’s away at a time when new memories are coming. It’s hard enough with your t present. When they’re away it just compounds the loneliness. I love this moment of connection when I find your post and my name in it, and I feel you talking to me, and others. It does really help my loneliness. I hope it does yours, too.
Besides loneliness, sadness, new memories, the lousy “timing” is something I’ve been experiencing, also. : ( I know I have much to be grateful for, BUT everything is so hard, and timing has added extra pressure and made things more difficult. I’m sorry it’s this way for you. I hope through our communicating I can somehow lighten your load. You are strong and beautiful!
Love, light, extra- strength to add to your own. : )
naturluvr <3
Yeah. They didn't care or listen, but someone's listening and caring now! ; ) I am here. You are not alone! And others are here. Big hearts!
SeekingOurFreedom,
Is it unkind for me to say those are my sentiments exactly? I hope not. How about we sit together, near my magical, battery operated, candles, that look so real (kind of like sitting by a fire), drinking hot tea (or coffee?), and eating cake and cookies. Sitting on a comfy couch or two, surrounded by fluffy pillows.
Hoping you feel a little less lonely.
naturluvr <3
Really don’t want to be alone right now. 😢
You are not alone. We (I) are here. Please keep talking/ contact here.
ME+WE
07/02/18
SeekingOurFreedom,
I oh-so feel the same way! Let’s sit together, with coffee/hot tea and cookies, chocolates, cake?, mmmm… lots of pillows, on a comfy couch or two. I have a real soft blanket, and some stuffed animals, if you’d like.
Sending peaceful, calm, safe and loving energy.
naturluvr <3
Hi, hi, hi,
I would love to join you two on the couch SeekingOurFreedom and Naturluvr. I will bring my pillow, blanket and faithful stuffed dog Odie. Oh and some chocolate marshmallow cookies and hot chocolate (oh ya … I’m a chocaholic). We can talk and cry and laugh and talk some more. I am picturing it my mind now.
Love and hugs,
ME+WE
07/03/18
ME+WE… sounds so wonderful. Wish I had friends like you IRL!
SeekingOurFreedom… When you feel up to it, maybe you can share some thoughts/feelings, and maybe it might help you feel less alone. I know it helps me some. Hoping you are feeling less alone.
naturluvr <3
7/3/18
Hello,
Well Naturluvr, I wish that I had friends like you IRL too!!! I am not good at making friends at all but I have been very fortunate to have found a friend the past two years who truly understands and cares about me. She is someone that I would not have normally thought of as a friend but we crossed through a mutual friend and WOW am I glad that I opened to the possibility. Now, certainly this is not ideal but I am super happy to have you as a friend here! ☺
SeekingOurFreedom … another very special friend. I do hope that you are feeling a bit better. I am so glad that you wrote here to say how alone you felt. This DID life is so terribly lonely with a whole crowd living in our heads. Even though there are folks around me who are well-meaning, I only truly feel seen and heard here on the DD website. There is a knowing that only someone who is walking in our shoes can relate to. The outside world just feels so remote and untouchable and the inside world feels so chaotic and painful. The DD website is our middle world where we do not have to speak to be heard; explain to be understood; and hide our true selves in order to be loved and cared for. Keep touching down here SeekingOurFreedom. This place is as real, tangible and accessible as our inside worlds that no one ever sees. You are not alone. Close your eyes and feel us with you.
ME+WE
07/07/18
I made a big mistake.
Gosh, None, I’m so sorry. I can TOTALLY relate. I made a big mistake, too! It’s so, so, humbling, and scary! I am trying hard to rise above and be here for myself and know that everything is going to be okay.
Are you okay? Mine looks like it’s reparable if I’m careful and work hard. Thinking yours might be, too?
Sending compassion and virtual hugs, if okay. You are not alone.
naturluvr <3
Thanks, naturluvr.
You have a good perspective. I hopes yours will be ok like you think.
Mine not resolved. Told both parties that I am giving up. So I will. Thank you
Kathy,
I think it’s okay for you to post what we asked you to erase. When you answer the questions, can you make a statement or something that tells us you’re not mad at any of us for thinking bad things?
Plus, we love what you called here, “The Writing Place”. Sounds safe, and welcoming. Thank you. And…we can make an appt for after Aug 3. We need to tell you about the suicide alter. We found something in her ear that was a constant recording for her to always hear. Crazy weird, I know. But, good thing is it’s gone. She didn’t die when we took it out and she feels better. The noise went away. And we found things that they gave her that we had to take away too. We are trying to work on being nice to her instead of afraid of her. And, she was with that girl we told you about that was a robot. We took the wires outta the back of her head and neck and all the roboty stuff about her went away. I hope that wasnt too much talk.
KBear, we hope your grand-daughter is doing okay and getting better. We got two more people to write to to make it five people. thanks for that too. its helping.
Hey everyone, (TW maybe IDK)
I wanted to write this before I forget. I noticed yesterday something huge for us. Huge.
During the past 6 weeks or so we have been in the darkness. The fight of our lives it felt like. It was exactly what we were struggling with inside; the fight for our lives. We have been in this place before. Something or someone keeps us from following all the way down that path. It’s painful, and draining, and agony down to our bones. The pro’s and con’s of living. We don’t have many pro’s to that equation. And when we are battling out the dark pull; in our past, (per our usual), we used to drink. Heavily. I mean; gave ourselves seizures, drank nothing but alcohol all day – every day, kind of drinking. I know that alcohol is a depressant. I was mostly in blackouts between passing out into oblivion. We got out of that horrendous nightmare of our lives by white-knuckling it daily for a very long time, I forced myself to drink only on paydays, which is once a month for me. Then I would hunker down and white-knuckle it for another month. Until I started realizing what alcohol did for me and to me. For me, as I said above, it blacked me out, and I passed out to sleep. The bad it did for us is make us insanely depressed. We could not focus on anything outside our head. We almost died ‘accidentally on purpose’. I am very afraid of that place and I know I can get there. Then a battle for our life begins. Happy to say that this past 6 weeks or so, I have been wanting so much to go down the alcoholic oblivion road but did not. Very much wanted to go. But the experiences from my past popped up inside, just a vision here and there reminding me that what we are going through is bad enough. Alcohol will add a deeper layer of depression. We battled. And won! Did not drink one single time in the past 6 weeks. The darkness sucked, major big-time. I know we are getting further away from it. We can see the light. We did it together, we-us.
You are a true BadAss, Kennedy!!! Literally so f’ing proud of your choices. Amazing choices!!! Thank you for sharing your struggle. May universe give you continued strength. 💪
Kathy, we respect your priorities. When you have family you care about, it seems right to show it.
6/27/18
Kennedy,
CONGRATULATIONS! Very happy for you! Great, great, great job!!!! I know how difficult it is to quit, and abstain, and overcome the addiction, from past experience. I can have a drink now, if I choose, but 99.9% of the time, choose not to. Keep up the good work.
Glad to see you again.
naturluvr <3
Hi Kennedy,
Well, you have certainly hit a difficult topic for me. Alcohol and food have been my drugs of choice (DOC) all of my life. I have been walking through the depths of darkness recently (well for nine months now) and am very discouraged with myself for falling back into the grip of both of my DOCs with vengeance. It is self-destruction, a slow death, an expression of my shame, a body armor of protection and sometimes just a way to knock myself out so I can get some sleep. I had felt that I was on top of it all and took it as a sign of my healing and then … BAM … the brick wall came out of nowhere and I slammed head-first right into it. I am trying to bring some balance back in but I just keep slipping back. I am ashamed of myself and how far that I have slid. Well, very ashamed to have to out myself here but there is no healing where the true self is kept in hiding.
Thank you for bring up this topic Kennedy … I think … and most certainly for your words of inspiration.
ME+WE
06/30/18
Hey ME+WE,
Man!, I hear you. Our drugs was self harm (it becomes an addiction it works so well), all the chaos inside stops immediately and completely. For a while. It feels like being addicted to the abuse cycle. And the internal perps, rescuers, and victims all play their rolls. Haven’t had a major SH episode since either 1999 or 2000. Food is a huge DOC, out of all the DOC’s, that’s the only one I can think of that we can’t avoid altogether, and it’s a battle. Alcohol is another and pot is another. It seems for us, we go from the abuse cycle addiction of cutting to drinking to smoking, and gorging on food a lot of places in between and during the other times. We stopped cutting when we started drinking, we stopped drinking when we started smoking. Gotta say that if we need to have a DOC then pot is the least likely to kill us. Where I live, we just passed a law legalizing it for medicinal purposes. Self medicated with pot is cheaper and works better than SSRI’s and all the other psych drugs. For us anyway. So we use it until we can find something that works better. We could stand not to have the hallucinogenic effects of it, though.
“A body armor for protection…” – well said, and I completely understand and agree. I wish you wouldn’t feel ashamed. Understand it though. For me, it’s doing what I know is not good for me to keep me from doing worse. A good thing, I think, is that when we can do better, we do better. You do, I do, I think we all do.
Sometimes being kind and gentle and understanding and loving and all that feels so far fetched and unobtainable and impossible. Try to choose to do the least damaging thing. And hold on. It’s true, I think, that the storms pass. Who knows when or how, it’s just that, in the meantime, we gotta do whatever we can to do the least possible damage in the interim.
Take Care Of Yous. (and we are working on that too 🙂 )
Naturluvr, thanks for discussing anger and sadness/grief. Working on the latter.
Very diet mindful, too. Gluten-free, dairy-free (eat goat cheese), no refined sugar, no carbonation (helped stop reflux and heal ulcer). So food def a factor.
Body freaked out again yesterday. Literally had to dissociate to avoid fainting in shower. T helped today.
We love love 💗💕 6/25/18
T. Clark, Awesome on the diet stuff. Hope your body memories are easing up for you. Yay, for your t! Love love, too! : ) Safe, virtual hugs. <3 naturluvr
6/28/18
Mae,
Awwww. Sorry for your pain. : ( Koko’s death is a great loss. I bet you’re right. I bet Koko’s trainer is feeling much sadness and grief. She spent so much time with the female gorilla, taught her sign language, and helped us learn more about gorillas. For anyone interested, a good video with Koko and her trainer, on You Tube is called, “A Conversation With Koko.”
That is very cool, Mae, that you know sign language. I always wanted to learn it, but never got around to it. And Koko was beautiful with her little kitty friend. I love kitties, too. : )
Thank you for bringing this news to my attention. Love and Light to Koko in her new life! (I believe we live life after life. We never really “die.” We only change form; )
naturluvr
6/25/18
We loved Koko too. When her kitten died and she signed ‘cry’, we cried too. Animals have feelings. She was a good friend to the people around her and they will miss her so much. I bet wherever she goes in her next life she will be free and get to run around anywhere she wants and have all the love and freedom she deserves.
Just found this topic, but I can’t come through it..it’s sooooo much..all under each other..have to scroll and scroll and scroll…how to read this?. 🙂
Greatings to you all from Holland and all the best for everyone here.
Greetings back to you, Niki! And all the best to you, also. Welcome! The system here is a bit different, for sure. I don’t like it much, but love the people. Just read near the bottom (how far up is up to you), for recent posts.
naturluvr
6/28/18
Hi Niki,
I am sorry that I missed your comment earlier. I have been away (mentally) from the DD website for a little spell. I seem to recall another message from you about some worries about writing here because English is not your first language. Well, just got to say that you are doing a super job. Do not worry about how much you write or how you write it, just feel free to say what you want/can here. We are all here to listen and share in whatever way that we can.
Now, yes there is a TON of information on the DD website. Kathy has hundreds of blog articles with all kinds of information. At the top of the webpages is the banner and under the banner there are links like “Healing Process”, “DSM Diagnoses”, etc. Here you can sort through different topics and then click on the link and it will give you a list of articles that touch on that topic. If you are struggling with reading comments, just stick to Kathy’s blog articles for now.
As for the comments section for each blog … well, this website has been going for a lot of years so there are comments from folks dating back years ago. That does not make them any less valuable it is just that those folks may not be active on the website anymore. The most recent posts for each blog are at the bottom of the page. So I usually scroll down to the bottom and read up when I am on a new article (and I do find new things to read all of the time).
Another great way to navigate through the comments and articles is to use the side bar of each webpage. Here is a list of the most “Popular Posts”. In other words, the most active blog posts at the moment or ones with information that is most “popular” or actively read. Below that list is a list of “Recent Comments”. This is a list of the 20 most recent comments to the webpages. I keep a daily watch on this list to see the most up-to-date comments on the website. A few of us also date our comments so you can figure out from there how recent the comments are.
Now, last-but-not-least, the “Our Normal Complicated Selves” blog … Kathy set this blog up for us in the Fall of 2017. It has grown enormously since then so … yes, it has a ton of comments. The comments are on anything that we want to discuss. And, while they are not sorted by topic, which can be challenging, I find it wonderfully liberating in so many ways. Rather than reading topics that I “think” would be helpful for me to look at, I read everything here and continuously discover treasures in topics that my fellow community members post on. Just start with the most recent comments (the ones listed in the side bar) and then, when you have time, read from the top down. I am sure that you will find many, many topics of interest along the way. Oh, and do not be afraid to reply to any of the topics you find. When you discover something on the website and reply to it (click on the reply link at the bottom of the original comment), it reintroduces that topic to all of us. I have found that there have been some incredibly brilliant moments in the timing of reintroducing me to older topics.
Bottom line Niki, just jump in and take your time. There is a wealth of understanding, enlightenment, solid information, interesting perspectives, personal experiences and sincere compassion to be found here. Kathy has created a safe and solid place for us where we can come out from hiding and be our true selves. As you read through the website you will come to see that Kathy has a wealth of knowledge and a boundless heart. She guides us with a gentle hand to the truth about DID and our own stories. This is a safe place to share with a genuine understanding, compassion and caring community.
Best regards,
ME+WE
07/03/18
i be so sad Koko the grila dide 🙁
i lovd her a long long tim
her lovd baby kitys
i do to
her no sin langwj
we do to
it make my hart hrt koko di
i bet her tranr be so sad to
To all,
Have I told you of my depression? It’s terrible. I’m functioning in between, but not getting much done, not much at all. I have an intense need to cry when I get still, but don’t. I don’t know exactly what it is that has this grip on me. I can, at times, distract, but I always come back to wanting to cry and not wanting to do a thing, nothing.
I know I’m scared to go back to my job. Some parts are okay with it, even like it. But the physical demand is such that I hurt at the end of each day, badly, everyday worse. I left because I was suffering and didn’t want to do that to myself anymore. I wanted to come home and give myself some time and attention. Maybe, I sense that when I go back, I am going to suffer the same as I did before. Maybe. Probably. And I see no way out. I haven’t the energy, desire, fortitude, stamina, to begin a new job. There isn’t much I can do, at least, not for long, without hurting. Maybe it’s this, that I am writing about that is causing me depression. I don’t know for sure. It’s seems I would know it, if it was. I don’t know. I do know I feel scared. I’ve been taking it one day at a time, just doing whatever I feel and no more. Sometimes, I do more, but usually, on those occasions, I push myself with caffeine. When I wake in the morning, I usually feel depressed. Lately, I wake thinking I should quit caffeine. This morning I woke from a dream about caffeine and how it keeps me wound up. I don’t know what I’m doing. If you pray, please, would you pray for me? I really don’t know what I’m doing. I was hoping I would be shown the way. I worry I may be fooling myself. I decided to stay out one more month. It’s costing me a lot of money to be off, without pay. My faithful-part, says it’s all going to work out. I (this part of me ) worry (worries) she’s naive and may cause myself more trouble in the long run. I, usually know better than to make statements like in the last sentence, but I said it, because some part of me feels it. I pray it’s a worry that will never come to pass.
There is a friend coming tomorrow to help me with a house project. He’ll be here 2 days. I have to focus on this project with him. I’m a bit nervous to have him here, while I’m in this state of mind. I may share the truth with him, so I don’t have to hide it. I look forward to having this project be over, and not having a guest.
I’ve been carrying this depression for some time. Usually, I feel it most in the morning when first waking, and in the evening as the sun is going down, and afterward. Once I get moving, I focus on other things. Right now, I feel burning in my muscles. I’m going to sleep. Thank you for reading this.
I’ve–someone has– done it again. I keep saying I want to go to sleep earlier, and I don’t. I go to sleep later, past my bedtime. : (
naturluvr
6/20/18
My Dear Naturluvr,
In my darkness (depression) I have been so very out of touch with the DD website. I am so sorry that I missed this posting from you. I am so sad that you are going through a rough time/depression and uncertainty understand about your job, What a tough decision to make but I am so proud of you for opting to do what was right for your health. How are you doing now? Did the visit with the friend go okay? I am concerned about you and would certainly welcome some word about how you are doing (no pressure if you do not want to talk about it). You are supporting so many others here I hope that you hear the support for you.
Sending warm hugs, lots of love and positive energy your way.
ME+WE
07/01/18
ME+WE,
I was afraid I said something terribly wrong. : ( I reread this post 3 times. I’m so glad I found this post from you tonight. It couldn’t have come at a better time. Thank you, friend. I’m so sorry, you also are suffering. I missed being able to talk with anyone and decided to stay away because it hurts more to come and not be able to talk and be heard.
The visit with my friend went mostly well, thank you for asking, and all the home improvement work moved me further away from my depression. I’ve continued with home projects since he left. And then… also, I had a horrible flashback while he was here. I managed through it, mostly while alone in the car going back to pick up things he forgot we needed the first time. Due to the FB pain/trouble I forgot my phone. When I got back, he was sending me back to the home improvement store. I said no, I was hurting, and needed to lay down. I told him I was having a terribly painful flashback, and could he please go get the stuff. He didn’t ask if I needed anything, or say anything at all. Here I am laying in my bed. This nice, kind, guy is an emotionally phobic stone. I saw on a deeper level how removed from feelings he is… unable to be emotionally supportive. It was hard for my 15-16 year old part to not get any support or validation, again, again, again! To have someone in my present life who cannot talk, share, etc. (Didn’t get to talk about this with t today.)
My session this afternoon was ungodly! I feel terrible, so ashamed and sad about my actions toward my t, last week. I did apologize to her I keep writing and erasing what I write. I need someone to talk to so bad! This place sometimes makes me feel more lonely than I already am, since there is no live interaction. I hesitate to come. I hurt so bad and don’t really want to write a long explanation. I will try to make it short. My whole session was spent talking about the dynamic in my and my t’s relationship. (The day before yesterday I had a big breakthrough: a part told me her mother molested her till she was 11 years old. This is shocking news and I’m not fully embracing it. I am open to it, but when I first hear something so off the wall, I wait for more data. It makes sense. And it doesn’t make sense. But NOTHING got discussed today because my t was seriously affected by texts I sent her after last session, last week.) She said she can’t go on with things the way they are, and I spent most of the session scared about losing my t. Even though she tried to take the blame, spoke about her not having set better boundaries from the start, about her limitations, about how I deserve better, it didn’t make me feel any better. It was so painful, my chest hurt bad. I’ve been trying not to call myself names. Though, I’ve already done it several times. (Then, I apologize to myself and parts.) I want to say so much about today, but I haven’t the energy or time tonight. I feel I really blew it, badly. God! I’m so wounded! The way my parts act. She says I am responsible and she’s not into blaming behaviors on parts. There is so much to say, but I’m going to stop. I am resigned for this evening.
I’m so filled with sadness. I was feeling stronger than ever the last 3 days, and was feeling so proud and excited to go and share with my t. Instead, I really got slammed with humble pie, to put it mildly. I feel scared, alone and lost. Thank you, ME+WE, that for the moment, I feel less alone because of you.
Love to you, and positive energy, and all good things,
naturluvr <3
p.s. I will do everything I can to make these terrible circumstances bring the best possible outcome. I pray I learn and grow from this like never before, and move forward in my growth like I never knew was possible for me!
p.p.s. Gosh! I went through almost losing my t some time ago for something similar. Now my t thinks I have Borderline issues. : ( I have just been under so much pressure and YES, I need help in dealing with emotional regulation.
My Dear Friend Naturluvr,
First of all, you cannot say anything wrong here if you are speaking your truth. I am sorry that my response cannot be more immediate but, in some ways, maybe we can use that as a part of our learning experience. Certainly when we are in pain we just want help – immediately and tangibly. As I have said before, I would welcome 24/7 contact with my T but understand the value of “time alone with my shit”. Not that I like to suffer but I am also learning new ways of self-soothing and comforting myself in the pain. Okay … I’m not good at it but I am trying. A body movement specialist that I am working with has been working with me on self-soothing the body. Now I have a few soothing physical gestures/postures – my hands folded on my chest sometimes with my chin resting on my hands, hugging a pillow and rubbing my ear lobe (for when I am out in the company of others). It is a start. She also had me visualizing the soothing of hugging a pillow to stick the sensation in my mind so when I am out,and do not have a pillow handy, I can still self-sooth. It is a way to build new neural pathways around soothing myself (something that I never learned to do).
Hum … why am I saying all of this? Well, I am really scrambling here trying to think of some positive way that I can help you through this rough time friend. I so hear your pain and despair and desperation and loneliness and oh back to pain again! I am not overlooking any of that. I am just hoping that maybe we can all learn to help ourselves in times of pain, anxiety and flashbacks. Maybe we need to discuss our “basket of safety nets” again (a discussion that we had last fall). We need to find solace, understanding and comfort in ourselves. Ultimately, we are all that we have in the noise, chaos and darkness of the 24/7 world of DID. So, how can we help ourselves?
I live with a very sensitive man who cares deeply for me and understands (he has PTSD so “gets it” on that level and is emotional present unlike your friend Naturluvr) but still, when I am in a dark place or stuff is just bubbling up and overwhelming me, I feel desperately alone. When I am in that space, I can feel isolated even in a room full of people. There is something so tragically intimate about our trauma that we cannot reveal it to anyone – not even ourselves a lot of the time. You are experiencing that now Naturluvr with new information about your mother bubbling up (trust that by-the-way). To talk about our stuff feels like scrapping away at our souls, our most precious parts of living, our most vulnerable essence of self. How do you share that level of raw being? How do you articulate the depth of violation that you suffered? How do you feel whole (or even pretend to be whole) when every cell of your existence has been shattered and caste to the violent wind of life lost?
Well, a great place to start is here. As much as this space cannot fulfill all of our needs and wishes, it sure offers a safe rock to cling to when the darkness rolls in. And a place where you do not have to live in silence any more. You can cling to this rock and scream your truth. How liberating it is to just tell your truth and know that the folks in our community know exactly what you are talking about – maybe not the particulars but certainly the core feelings that come with violation, desperation and survival. What a precious gift to be heard, understood and believed!
You are not alone Naturluvr. Even though we are not face-to-face or immediate, we are ALWAYS there with you in heart, thought and spirit. Please hear that, take it in and know that it is true. This is so much a lonely journey to truth, wholeness and healing. But always remember that, you were born a beautiful, perfect little being and you are still that beautiful, perfect being. NOTHING that happened to you in your life changes that truth. What changed was your belief in that truth. Healing is about knowing that truth once more. You are BEAUTIFUL, you are PERFECT!!!
With loving, positive thoughts and energy sent your way … your humble friend,
ME+WE
07/03/18
p.s. I do think that you can work things out with your T if you are both willing to do so. Often the therapeutic alliance is strengthened when you have a rough time with your T but manage to resolve it. Do you think that the relationship can be salvaged Naturluvr?
Hi Naturluvr,
So very well said (all of your posts). We have all been deprived of so much in our lives … even the simple act of kindness of a positive affirmation. We can never have what we did not have back then but we can sure support each other here, now. You are doing such a beautiful service to your friends here Naturluvr in the compassionate words of appreciation that you have been sharing on the DD website.
We can help heal each other’s hearts one kind word at a time.
ME+WE
06/20/18
How Triggers Can Be Positive (trigger warning for some)
I remember a friend from my past, who had DID, told me her t said, and she came to agree, that “Triggers are Good.” I never forgot. It made such an impression on me. She made an impression on me. Though, at the time, I had fear of her and her situation. I didn’t know, or believe, I had DID. Even though, she said I did, I was leery. (It was too scary to conceive, and she had it way worse, and her’s was scary to me.)
ME+WE, when I read what those policemen did to you and your husband… OMG! I felt anger and rage! How f’ing traumatic!!! My heart goes out to you and him, for having to have suffered that horrible ordeal, and then all the suffering that follows because of it. (I know you/him have evolved, and come a long way since then, but I just heard about it.) I see something like that (I have been through so much and can gauge trauma pretty well, I think), IMnotsoHO, as having the same effects as a rape. You were raped of your dignity, your privacy, your rights, you were forced to endure something you never would have had to endure if it wasn’t for those f’ing idiots, and to WATCH (which sometimes is as bad, or can be as bad as experiencing personally), and your home/space was invaded/”raped.” So, when you said you were grateful for it happening (not to take that away from you), I–specially at this time in my life–my 15 year old got really triggered. Interesting how we can be fully catalyzed to feel appropriate feelings of anger and rage for what someone else has suffered, but not (as easily) get in touch with it for ourselves. Obviously, we with DID, and/or Dissociative issues, have separated ourselves from the feelings on purpose, for good reason.
I am aware, and have been for several years since I remembered (from a child part coming forward in trust) what happened to me/us, that we carry anger and rage toward the perpetrator who raped us when at 15. I have gone through cycles of feeling free of it and even forgiving him (for my own health, which btw, I don’t bother doing or worrying about anymore, don’t even believe in it any longer), but I have not been freed from the rage and anger yet. I have, obviously, healing yet to do.
Paradoxically, so sorry for what happened to you, ME+WE, AND grateful you shared, that we reap positive, healing benefits of empowerment, of ability to get angry, of freedom to share in anger and rage for you, your husband, myself, my 15 yo, and for knowing how brave you were, are, and grateful for the courage it took for you to write and share that with us… and knowing you survived much more. There’s probably something I missed, but that will have to do for now. I know it spurred on my sharing and wanting to share.
I think there is divine orchestration, evoked and emitted by us (we “are gods”) and through us, as far as timing in our actions and timing in attracting the actions of others. (I can talk for days and weeks about what I have learned about that and the power of attraction.) We all get ample opportunity to face things, when and if we are ready. It is an ART to find the balance of protecting ourselves and/or allowing ourselves to “go through it” and grow.
Speaking our truth and hearing others’ truth, SHARING, COMMUNICATING–is so important! It has the power to help us, gives us the opportunity to heal. And, at the same time, it can push our buttons, cause us to fall and regress, make us angry and defended, dig our heals in deeper, even make some want to fight and/or kill the messenger! But the bottom line, for me, is it’s ALWAYS a growth opportunity.
Which reminds me of water, how life-giving it is… without it we, and everything on the planet, would die. Yet, it is also the most corrosive substance in the universe, it wears down, destroys, and kills, too. Life is so paradoxical! And so are triggers… they can knock us off our butts, but they can empower us and help us feel, express and heal!
naturluvr <3
6/20/18
SeekingOurFreedom & ME+WE,
The kindness and generosity of your sharing brought me to tears. (I’m sure many of you can relate to how little we have been acknowledged, validated, and complimented, in our life.) I wanted to respond more, but I promised child parts a movie tonight! So, till tomorrow!
Safe, virtual, hugs, to all and a safe, gentle, soothing, teddy-bear-soft and comfy, safe, place for you and yours, in your own hearts, and in mine.
naturluvr <3
I am falling into the abyss of despair. Not sure how I am being triggered or how to get out of this or if I should. I just know that I have gone beyond the place of reason with myself and my insiders. I am trying so hard to find my equilibrium and not fall down the rabbit hole but my insiders are shouting so loudly in my head that I fear that the only way to cope is to let go. I do not want to abandon hope but it keeps fluttering farther and farther away out of my reach. I want to live happy and whole but how do I do that when I have been shattered and the pieces of my heart, my mind, my body, my sanity have been caste to the wind? How can I find something to live for out of the nothingness that I was given? I am crashing and loosing hope. Time to let the others take over for a bit.
You are not alone in suffering. And we care.
Maybe we all react so much. Our system is trying to find internal motivation so as to not depend on others. Problem is, now we’re ISOLATED AS FUCK.
Reading this site, we see that trauma survivors get triggered. A lot!!!!!!!!!
Outside shit hurts. Inside shit hurts. So we dissociate. Or meltdown.
Please, those of you who read this site and are effective at emotional regulation, please share your experiences if you’re able. Thanks. 6/18/18
T. Clark, ME+WE, you are definitely NOT alone.
I’m not the best one to talk on Emotional Regulation. It’s one of my biggest challenges. But I can say, that I’m feeling strong today. That’s one thing about me, I don’t stay down long. Specially when I have others to talk to that understand. Or, if I can’t seem to talk to them, just reading others posts helps me to self-regulate. Mostly, I just need reminders. Because I’m mostly co-conscious all the time. So, if I read something that makes sense, that empowers me, if I read someone’s beautiful words to another, that’s all I need. Sometimes, I get to a better place because I see someone else needs help. I’ve always been good at being capable and efficient when I am not alone. It’s usually when I’m all alone, that I fall deeply, and specially after a t session.
The most powerful thing I do, more and more, is to be there for me and my parts. I have been working for many years at treating myself (even when I didn’t know about parts) as I would treat a best friend, or would want a best friend to treat me. I don’t have anywhere near the self-hatred or self-criticism, I used to have. Often, I pull myself out of a place by just talking lovingly and gently to the part of me that begins to fall (get angry, feel wrong, embarrassed, confused, sad). I mother and nurture my part. Sometimes, I’ll see how much they/I wish I could talk to my t, or Kathy, or any of you, and I talk to this part and ask what she needs. I give it to her.
LOVE, COMFORT, COMPASSION, POSITIVE ATTENTION, REGARD, CARING, GENTLENESS… gentle, gentle, gentle… that’s what we need more than anything. The most important things we didn’t get. I hope something I said helps.
Everyone here is more okay than they think. They just have to believe it more than those times when they fall into believing otherwise. BELIEF IS SO POWERFUL! BELIEF can even be MORE POWERFUL than what is, specially BELIEF IN ONESELF/selves. Einstein said, “Imagination is more important than knowledge.” What we imagine we will do, be, have, has enormous power!!!! I can talk forever on this.
YOU GUYS ARE SOME OF THE MOST INTELLIGENT, CARING, AND COURAGEOUS PEOPLE I KNOW! Focus on that truth, more than you focus on the internalized bullshit those Goddamned perpetrators put inside you! All that negativity is about them, NOT you. What we focus on, expands.
Virtual hugs to all.
naturluvr <3
ME+WE and T.Clark
I’m here, we’re here – my insiders and I. Not one of us wants any of you to feel alone. I think that’s the feeling we hate the most, feeling all alone. We know a whole lot about pain, when it hurts so much you can hardly take a breath, when it feels like everything is falling apart.
It’s so very easy to lose hope. We’ve been there many times before and may end up there again. When it feels like that for us, I try to remember, to remind insiders, of Pandora’s box. This box contains all the evils of the world, everything truly awful, the most painful emotions. Yet after all that has escaped when the box is opened, one thing remains – hope. Even when it doesn’t feel like it, there is always hope.
It can be really difficult sometimes to identify the trigger and that in itself can make the situation feel more hopeless. We believe in you and know that in time, you’ll be able to work it out. If it would help, if you’re anything like us, we’ll gladly listen. We’ve found that the people who understand the most, the people who are most compassionate, are those who’ve faced the dark times themselves.
We wish we could take your pain away, even just for a little while. What we can do is be here and walk through this with you. So, we reach out our hands for you to hold on to, if that is comfortable and have many hugs if that would help. Above all, though, you have us here. You don’t have to face this alone.
SeekingOurFreedom
06/19/2018
Wow naturluvr, I didn’t know how much I really needed to read those words for myself. Thank you, thank you a million times over.
ME+WE and T.Clark, we’re thinking of you and sending much caring your way.
SeekingOurFreedom
06/19/2018
Naturluvr and SeekingOurFreedom, we want to be seen for who we are.
The male who abused us as littles treated us as weak and threatened us if we told.
The female who abused us treated us like a toy, easily tricked the child.
The parents saw us based on how well we lived up to their standards of superficial ideals. When we couldn’t sleep at night, we were rejected, shamed, once locked out of the house in the pitch black for trying to get our needs met. Cries for help—acting out—were also punished. No way to get our needs met.
The problem is, now we have become what all these people dumped on us. We don’t know a pure us. Sometimes we feel connected to Great Spirit and trees and wild creatures.
It doesn’t last, nor does its influence.
How can we be seen? We are trying to find us. Now we have anger and shame and no identity.
Yes, parts saved us. Yes, they don’t trust adult parts. So you others feel it, too.
What is on the other side? Can’t stand this Now. Choices seem few. Trying to create space to be less drastic.
One T wants us to go back to a trauma center for a reset. We are considering facing one of our abusers. Why the fuck not at this point?
We were abused by both genders. Still, we don’t trust many men. They have seemed less authentic, more aggressive. Not all. And one of our female Ts is an ass-kicker!
Both trauma centers we went to were co-ed. We like that. Whether they do this from financial practicality or because society is co-ed, we feel more comfortable with females.
Many healing centers and events exclude men. We feel similarly about most men, so we get it, and these exclude us, too. 😣
Fitting in is not always easy or possible.
We feel tired now. We finally got out a good cry with T today. 6/19/18
T. Clark,
I see you for who you truly are. You ready? You are kind and loving, caring and compassionate. (All the littles and not-so-littles inside of T. Clark, I am talking to you, too!) You are seriously brave and courageous! You are genius! Do you realize what it takes to develop DID and to survive what you have survived… AND BE ABLE TO BE as kind and considerate as you are? (There are a lot of bitter, nasty people out there who haven’t been through one quarter–pick your own %– of what you’ve been through!) You are introspective. You have desire, you go after what you want, you want healing. You are a good dad, always looking to see what you can do better. You are inspiring and expressive, honest and a good role model. T. Clark, I can go on and on! You love nature! Your avatar is a bear (symbolic for introspection, btw) in the woods! Wish more people loved and respected nature the way that nature deserves!!!
Of course, we have to find ourselves when we didn’t get to live, truly live and BE alive. We missed out, yes. Now, we are working to find who we are, each day, more. Yeah, it SUCKS to not have gotten to live a good life. Oh my gosh, I’ll save that rant for another time. BUT right now, we are here for one another, we are role models for each other, and for all of society! We are pioneers! Many of us the first of our kind to overcome, be-come, stop generational sickness, rise above our circumstances to show others what it is to FEEL and really LOVE, to be true to ourselves, even after anyone, or everyone, else tried to keep us from being in touch with ourselves, with the truth of who we are and where we REALLY come from (AWESOMENESS!), before the sick’os tried to ruin us forever.
I KNOW who you are T. Clark. I used to have to look in the mirror to see my face, because I didn’t know how I looked when I was feeling something. I didn’t used to feel. I didn’t cry until I was in my 40’s. I learned not to cry. I had to learn what it was to be a human BEING. That took lots of time and work.
I, also, was abused by both men and women, though mostly men. (When they’re angry they tend to act out-wards. Women tend to act in-wards. Probably, part of the reason we feel safer around women.) But when one of the women that abuses us is our mother… Oh hell… Just about everyone got dishonored, disregarded, and/or neglected, even abused, by their mother (and father), to a degree. (Not to disregard those of us who got it fierce!) Parenting has been passed on through the generations, and it is far from what it is supposed to be. (No wonder the world is so f’d up!)
The work you are doing is priceless. I’ve always been a believer I am (we all that are working on healing are) doing the most important work there is to do. When we change and grow inside, that changes the world more than any DOING outward there has ever been done. Building, teaching, creating, financing, materializing, all the things people do in the world have their place, but NOTHING affect all of us and future generations like actual inside growth. Look at how long man has been on earth and look at how little we’ve come to know ourselves. Technology is awesome, BUT THE WORLD IS STILL EMOTIONALLY PHOBIC! And all the perpetrators and abusers… oh my, my, my!!! Look at how people treat themselves, and one another!!!
What I’m saying T. Clark, is that you are so far ahead of the game! You just haven’t learned to give yourself the credit you deserve. Yeah, it’s true, you/us/we have a lot of wounded parts. Who wouldn’t, having survived what you have survived. It took time to screw you up. It takes time to heal. WHAT’S MOST IMPORTANT IS THAT WE BE HERE FOR OURSELVES, ONE ANOTHER, AND OUR INTERNAL PARTS. Love, gentleness, positive attention and regard, and self-compassion!
When you/we get impatient, You/we are in a wounded child part. “I want change and I want it NOW!” : ) Console yourself/selves and let them know they are doing AWESOME! Really, really, awesome!!! When they act out, be patient with them. YOU KNOW. We have to re-parent ourselves–not only doing it for the first time, but like taking in “juvenile delinquents,” we have to tend to and heal and parent– correctly, this time!!! Without having been taught the proper way!!! That is a TALL order!!! And you have outside kids on top of it all!
You said, “One T wants us to go back to a trauma center for a reset. We are considering facing one of our abusers. Why the fuck not at this point?” Why the fuck not? BECAUSE you’ve (your parts have) been through enough! We need calmness, compassion, stability, safety, gentleness, we need the ultimate loving home and loving-kindness. Facing an abuser : o is a terrifying thing for a child part who wants nothing more than to be fully loved, appreciated and BE SEEN by you! Is it for the child? Does the child want to face the perpetrator? Does a victim of rape need tending to, and lots and lots of healing, processing and convalescing, or does s/he need to go and hunt down his/her rapist?
You may surprise yourself and be able to settle wayyyyy down, just letting go of the thought of confronting one of your perps! Just saying. I’ve cut out all turbulence, violence, unnecessary drama (most movies are not appropriate, too much violence, fear, betrayal, etc.) that doesn’t lead to healing, in my daily life. I’m constantly finding ways to reduce stress and increase loving compassion and kindness. It blows me away, every day I learn a new level of letting go (of my own “too high” standards) to give my child parts what they truly, truly want. They don’t care of all the things I think I should do get done. They only want to feel seen, hear, and loved for who they are, NOW, and what they need.
You are truly most amazing. Truly. All of You, T. Clark.
naturluvr <3
We like gentleness and calm. It left a few weeks ago, and one cannot subsist on anger. We’ve been trying to get behind the anger–to what we need–for days and days and days. Last night, the body succumbed to pain. It was the worst somatic pain we’ve ever felt. We knew we weren’t having a heart attack, and we couldn’t draw in breath well, had pain from throat to sternum. Tried Motrin, Xanax, and heartburn medicine. Only standing up provided even a little relief, and we were exhausted. We had to finally dissociate away in order to get some relief.
Naturluvr, your words ring true to many parts. Littles need love and nurturing. We can have spouse and Ts help us give it. We’ll keep trying for our inside adults to provide it. It gets discouraging after months and months of the same, unchanging equations.
This anger had to move. T helped dislodge it, and now it has to move through us. It is very painful still. Physically.
It does feel like many of us in this forum see each other. Thank you for seeing us. And yourselves. With Love. 6/20/18
T.Clark
We are so sorry yous going through so much pain and anxiety and all the difficult days lately. We adore yous, and hope for some relief for you all. Wish we could take it away for you so yous don’t have to feel all the pain. Sending gentle, loving hugs. ❤️
SO GOOD TO SEE YOU, KenKen !!!
And you know what is super cool?? At the exact same time that T.Clark wrote this:
You were posting to him. At the exact same minutes of time.
Really really love that.
And THEN….. you posted a poem about exactly about what T.Clark said you say …. about starting simple, and taking one step at a time.
There’s something really beautiful about that synchronicity, Kennedy. To me, it’s such strong confirmation that you belong here as part of our group. Please don’t ever ever ever think differently.
Thanks for writing….
Hugs for you,
Kathy
Thanks KBear.
That is very cool. Us and T.Clark; we’ve got a connection. And, like so many times in the past, when we were at our very lowest, we had an email waiting for us from you. It was outta the blue and meant so much to us. It did help us hang on. We are over the darkest darkness. Thanks for helping and we do feel like we belong here in this community of friends. Thanks for that, too 🙂
T. Clark,
I wanted to add that I had an episode the Christmas before last. It was a terrible pain, from the sternum to the throat. It was ungodly! I thought I was going to end up in the hospital. I didn’t know what was happening. I know now, I was under a great deal of stress at the time, and it was brought on by all the stress. (At the time, I was unaware of how MUCH fear one/or more of my parts was/were feeling.) It may, or may not have been the same thing you suffered, but it might be.
I did some research and found something called GERD, gastroesophageal reflux disease. It’s most amazing how many people suffer from it, and to very serious, and chronic, degrees. I never had this happen before, but was pretty sure I had an initial episode of it. I decided there was no way I was going down that path any further. So, I changed some things I was eating, doing and thinking, immediately. At the time, I was much more in the dark of the “we” in me. Someone was acting all “I” and “me.” (Never had an episode since then. : )
Also, I wanted to add something that maybe helpful to you? Anger is a lid, a cover, for sadness and grief. We can be angry forever and never heal, if we don’t get to the sadness and grief underneath the anger. In general, men are better at expressing the anger, and not feeling the sadness. Women (in general) are better at feeling the sadness, and not getting to the anger. Both need to be expressed, in order for healing to take place. They are “two sides of the same coin.”
I hope something I said is helpful.
Thinking of you, and impressed you used the word “love.” You are very courageous. I’ve wanted to, sometimes, because I feel love for all of you, but didn’t want to scare anybody away.
Hope you are feeling better, my friend.
naturluvr <3
p.s.
Good to see you, Kennedy! I missed you, and hope you are doing better!
Hi ME+WE,
You said you’re falling. Can you feel me reaching out and catching you? Imagine yourself landing on a beautiful, fluffy, angel’s feather cloud. YOU are so powerful! I’m talking to all of you, the WE, as well as the ME, you can help catch the part/s that’s feeling the most intensity and not feeling so strong right now.
It’s your new friend. I’m here… as you are here for me when I’m falling. You are not alone. I think I know the cause of your trigger. You can correct me if I’m wrong. You, the best, encouraging, parts of you, tried to help a friend. Sometimes (and I’m sure you know this, just a reminder, if okay), when a person who’s up, tries to help a person who’s down, they both end up down. People like you and I, and others here, can fall very easily, on occasion, if we don’t have “guards at our gates,” if we aren’t very prepared and protected.
Will you help out that part of you that thinks she somehow failed? Because she didn’t. She did marvelously. We can do what we can for others, but ultimately, others have to do their part. You know. We can’t do it for them.
Will you use your imagination and all inside parts so so good at imagining and catch the others. I’ve caught you. I’m holding you, virtually (if okay), you don’t have to fall any further. Breathe deeply! I know you can do it. I know how strong you are! YOU HEAR ME, ME+WE? I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS! You know how to fall and get right back up. We all do. Or we wouldn’t be here.
Tell me how I can support you better? Okay? Would you share some more?
I am here, friend.
naturluvr <3
Dear Naturluvr,
Oh how wise, understanding, compassionate and caring you are. I do feel you reaching out and catching me and I am grateful beyond the capacity of words to express. What you have written here and elsewhere is just so inspiring and insightful to read. I am so sad for what your 15 year old went through. I know what rape is all about. I will talk more about that at a later time but wanted your 15 year old to know that I heard her pain and that I understand. And, yes you are right about some of my triggers. I am sorting through those now. I feel like there is a bit of a perfect storm happening with inside and outside stuff. I will talk more later when I can do so in a less triggered fashion.
What a treasure you are Naturluvr. I am so truly blessed to have you as my friend.
ME+WE
06/10/18
Hello All,
My sincere gratitude to T,Clark, Naturluvr and SeekingOurFreedom. I so appreciate your support, kindness, compassion and understanding especially when I know that you are all dealing with your own serious stuff. I so appreciate you taking the time to support me in writing. You have my heart and my humble appreciation.
I am processing, holding on and trying not to run away. Some truth of self is seeping through and, while I do not completely understand what or who in my system is involved, I am trying to stay the course. I am not choosing to suffer (nor am I wallowing in it) but I feel that I have to stay with the emotions that my insiders are presenting to me. Ok, that may sound like one of ME+WE’s crazy notions but the ME in the equation lives life numb with emotions dissociated to reside in my inner world. I think that my insiders are trying to help me own my emotional self – the happy and the sad. I am tired of running. I have to stop and see.
Thank you for your patience and your kindness dear friends.
Remembering to try and breath …
ME+WE
06/10/18
ME+WE,
It is in no way a “crazy notion” to be with feelings we feel, feelings presented to us by our parts. On the contrary, it is absolutely necessary for healing. It is only not recommended, when it debilitates us and our functioning in life. A little bit at a time, as we (our system) can handle, is a good thing, helps us bond with our parts, integrate, and “reconnect” our disconnections.
I hope you are doing well. Sending you support and good energy.
naturluvr <3
6/20/18
ME+WE,
Your post was so helpful! I read it and re-read it, and I’ll do it again. It’s so comforting. I’m in so deep. I’m confused. (I’m crying.) I can’t express myself right. I look back and see what I wrote and it scares me sometimes. You express yourself so well. Your words are very soothing. Thank you! {{ME+WE}} Sharing about how you feel when you leave therapy helps me to find words for myself, and to not feel alone, to feel maybe less scared. I don’t even know how to say what I want to say. I’m not the one trying to speak. Actually, I don’t know who’s feeling and who’s writing. It’s the damnedest thing! I think the feelings are kind of over-reactions, like intensity of children’s feelings. What you wrote about your feelings after leaving your t’s office makes me feel good every time I read it. I figure if YOU, who can write and express and understand what you’re going through, can feel that way–similar to the way I feel, then it must be okay. It must be normal. Maybe I’m okay after all, even though I feel pretty horrific.
I get so scared I’m not doing something right. I get scared maybe I shouldn’t go to therapy anymore. And, another part says, “Yeah, right! like I could stop seeing my t so easy as that! Not!” Somebody thinks I can and that I would be less stressed out.
I think she’s in denial, or thinking of herself like she used to be, much more in charge and disconnected. I think there are lots of leaks in the walls, walls that used to be firm, solid, and keep parts separated from each other and from me. Something like that. Bummer is, it feels like I’m getting worse before getting better. My insides are … well, like you said. I’m having a time of it with my internal folks.
I want to be here sharing with you (and anyone else who wants to and is safe) so badly. At the same time, I feel like I shouldn’t be here. I’m such a mess. I’m afraid of what I might say. I’m such a paradox. Parts want to talk and say things. And parts are afraid to say things. Someone, probably my 15 year old, wants to talk about what happened to her. She can’t believe her t just had to leave, and anyway, that she has to wait and not talk about it. So, she wants to talk about it here. BUT I don’t want to trigger people. BUT I do want to heal, and talk about it. (When I say “I,” lots of times it’s not “I,” but a part. I don’t know my parts. There is a lot of darkness inside. All my life, I didn’t even know anything about my parts. They’ve hidden things even from me. I think I am me, and have been finding out, sometimes I am not who I think I am. : o That’s mind-blowing to even see it in print. It’s like I think I’m in my adult, then I find out I am not, just a part who is very intelligent and capable, but still a child (or much younger than me, anyway).
I’m so grateful to have you as my new friend, ME+WE. I’m also scared of losing you, and others. I’ve had so many people show up in my life and then disappear, things starting out well, and not ending well. I have all kinds of issues I never used to have. I am so much more pickier! About who I spend my time with, what I do, who I share with. I don’t share with anyone, except for my t, and here now. I have not attracted any safe people that can handle knowing, and/or that want to be my friend, or that I want to be friends with. I’m too vulnerable right now, anyway.
I’ve been drinking coffee again. It’s my drug of choice. Ha-ha. Well, I gave it up years ago. Now I’m using it again. I’m using the caffeine and the oh-so-wonderful taste of it. It makes me beside myself. When I’m “beside myself” it is like I’m co-conscious, or partially dissociated. Someone’s buzzed by the caffeine, that’s for sure! I gave it up not only because it cuts me off from my feelings, I gave it up because it’s a diuretic and is hard on my body, too. BUT… for now, I’m indulging and sharing in it with my neighbor. She drinks coffee all day. It’s funny, but we are better friends, sharing coffee and spending time together–and with her new puppy. (Like I used to hang out with people who drank alcohol, smoked cig’s and pot. There’s a connection, a bond between users, superficial as it may be. She’s a e-cig smoker, too. I smoked cigarettes for 30+ years. Started when I was 9 years old. Quit some years ago. Thank God!!!! Anyway, she’s not one to talk about feelings, at all! She loves Hallmark movies (so do I : ), but can’t do the talking and sharing IRL yet. It’s okay. I love her anyways. She’s a great neighbor, too.
Sorry for going off on that squirrel. Guess it’s all good. Wish we could talk more. Connecting this way is hard. Bye for now. Thank you so so so much for sharing. It’s so nice. You are nice and caring. My depression has been awful. Better go. Or, Kathy’s going to have a lot more reading to do!
Your friend,
naturluvr
p.s. Saw a deer walk by last night, and today, too. (Took a nice pic.) Source is telling me to be “gentle” with myself. I sure appreciate that. (Deer are symbols for gentleness.)
We really would like to say something about all the negativity we see on Social Media recently. Folks with DID going after folks who they believe don’t have DID.. really?
Ok. So we know that Kathy Broady said that she could tell a fake. Don’t remember reading how she could tell. We personally don’t have anything against anyone else whether they have DID or not. If it is a mental illness.. it’s hard enough to be accepted ANYWHERE!
To call someone out..We just don’t get it. At all.
We have been a member of online groups for Many years. We see this constantly. Others accusing people of faking. Even been accused of that as well. We know how we felt about that.
It makes us appreciate this place even more.
It doesn’t happen among a few of our very “close” friends.
Remember folks.. we all need acceptance. Not public put downs.
I am grateful to be reporting that we are feeling and doing better. We passed through lots of feelings and thoughts, this morning. We didn’t take actions we would have regretted and did take some that pleased us. I have reached a more peaceful place, and feel very grateful, because I truly felt powerless and lost. My adult-Self was not in charge. I couldn’t find “her”/me! (TYSpirit, parts and Self!) My 15 yo’s depression was in full charge. Kathy’s post on Depression & DID is one of the tools that helped. (TYKathy!) Other things that helped were conscious decisions to slow down, take it easier, demand less of myself (her), and to allow another month off before returning to work. Whew! **sigh** : ) I can now feel the connection I needed, and was so far from this morning.
Still, I feel aware we are living in a challenged-state of mind–a tough place in our healing process. It seems my 15 year old needs to talk about the trauma that happened to her. I feel the need and desire to begin writing it here, but I hesitate. I will a little later today, maybe. I think in doing so, I will be able to respond to ME+WE’s post. I can’t yet, because my feelings about my trauma are preventing me from responding to her trauma (even though you were far from the darker-side of feeling it, in your writing, ME+WE). I am not far from the darker-side of feelings of my 15 year old’s trauma. As a matter of fact, I am deep in the grips of it, in a way I’ve never been. It’s time. She’s ready to talk about it. Or, more so, is it that I am ready to hear/feel/process it (as I am able)? Probably, the latter.
Thanks for reading, and being here. I need you all — those of you who are able. I need to get to the other side of this. It’s got a bit of a choke-hold on me. I will do my best to proceed with caution and tenderness and ease. And, I will remind myself, that this is not a race, and we can take it as slow as we need. I am aware, that my 15-yo wants her freedom, as do the rest of us. I ask for Grace, as I find my way.
naturluvr
6/16/18
Dear Naturluvr,
Oh my … you really have been through a rough patch dealing with your internal folks. My heart goes out to you and I am sending you positive, healing energy. I am sorry that your T is not here this coming week but remember that you have your community here to help you through okay? You are not alone.
Sometimes (well, to be honest … most times), I come out of therapy numb, shaken, and feeling on the edge of the sanity abyss. It is a horrible feeling. A long time ago I realized why my T had me coming just once a week (when I wanted more). It takes the week to unpack all that happened in the session, to make some sense of it, to try and find my equilibrium and to summons up the courage to go back in there and do it again. Each time the pot gets stirred, some new pieces of my life float up to the surface. And, while I am usually confused, afraid, heart broken, angry, depressed, sad … well everything and sometimes all at once … I keep telling myself that this is an important step forward.
Well, it sounds like you are taking some really very important steps forward with your 15 year old Naturluvr. And, oh yes it is a struggle to work through the darkness and pain of the unknown. But, your 15 year old has shared a lot with you already. That is wonderful even though it is so scary and debilitating right now. But, it feels that you have gotten some of your equilibrium back. I am happy to hear that.
My T keeps telling me that my insiders will talk with me and reveal their secrets to me when I am ready. She encourages me not to be fearful of it being too much for me because she says that my insiders have protected me all of this time they are not about to overwhelm me with more than I can handle now. That does not mean that I do not feel overwhelmed with the painful contents of the information about my past that is revealed but my insiders dole it out in small measure as I am able to hear. I am sure that your folks will do the same Naturluvr. It may feel like too much because any little bit of it was far more than you should have had to endure. But, getting to know your history is getting back your life so that you can truly live your tomorrows more fully.
It is okay to feel scared of the dark side of your being Naturluvr. Just remember that there is always light even in the deepest darkness of your mind and soul. When I first ventured into my darkness that light was just a small little point of illumination. Now I have a whole constellation of shinning lights to help me see.
Your humble friend,
ME+WE
06/17/18
PS – No worries about responding to my post unless there is something that you need to say for you. You kind of have a lot on your plate right now! ☺
Hi all,
I’m not myself. I don’t know what part of me is in charge. It is definitely a part that feels intense grief and depression, so much so, when feeling, just wants to cry. Been triggered since left t yesterday, and am worse off because she’s going to be gone and unavailable next week. This adds to feeling less support and more lonely still. I’m feeling very lost and vulnerable and needy (feel awful cause I can’t offer support in this state). How old am I feeling? 15? Not sure. I feel a heavy, heavy, heavy, weight around me. The grief is hardly bearable. I didn’t do anything today. I managed to get enough grip to go out for a walk just before the sun went down–only 20 minutes and now my legs hurt. : ( Then, I made some dinner and a pot of chicken noodle. That’s all I could manage. I feel scared about my state of mind and heart, my lethargy, depression, where I am in my therapy and being without my therapist, my going back to work, or decision to take another month off (need to figure it out). And parts still scared, some, of my therapist and her ways. I feel pressure about things that need doing, and don’t feel like doing. I probably shouldn’t even be writing here, but I feel scared and alone.
ME+WE Thank you for your so-very-kind kind words. I cried as I read them. I’m sorry I cannot respond to your more recent post. I want to, but I’m too triggered, on several levels.
Kennedy, thank you for going back and responding to my post. That was most appreciated.
naturluvr
6/15/18
Hi All,
Okay … just when I said that I do not remember dates and events or acknowledge the anniversary of such events … today is the fifth anniversary of an event that totally changed my life and my husband’s life. He just reminded me of the date and is determined that we are going out for a special dinner tonight to celebrate. But, the focus is not on what happened on June 13, 2013 but rather what has happened in the five years since that date.
Okay, a brief background. On that day five years ago my husband and I were sick with colds and were watching TV. We were renovating our house but had sent all of the workers home so that we could have a quiet day. At 1:30 in the afternoon, my husband said that there was a police car in our driveway. Well, we live on the edge of a small town on a regional highway so there is always a lot of activity going on including police stopping cars for speeding. I thought that that was what he was seeing. When he did not return after a minute or so, I went to look for him.
When I got out to our side porch, a big male police officer outside began shouting at me to come out of the house. Then, he kept shouting about was there anyone else in the house? What were we doing in the house? Over and over and over again. Out on the veranda, I could see a man face first on the sidewalk his hands cuffed behind his back. Five police officers were pointing handguns and semi-automatic weapons at him. The man on the sidewalk was my husband.
What ensued over the next 20 minutes was an illegal search of our house, my detention with an officer with a weapon drawn, their leaving my husband on the ground, in pain, and my fears for my husband’s life. Furthermore, they would not tell us why they were there until about half way through when they figured out that this was probably a diversionary tactic for an armed robbery taking place on the other side of town. Indeed, that was the motive for the anonymous 911 call that brought the police to our house on a reported domestic dispute with a knife.
Okay, that is what happened on that date. What happened after that date was my husband being treated for PTSD, law suits (still in the works), my husband now using a cane from the damage to his hip, and his diagnosis of leukemia (this understanding of the root cause of his diagnosis from a world renowned expert on epigenetics that my husband consulted). Oh ya … and our world crashing down on us.
But, you know what? That was one of the best things that ever happened to us.
Ya, I know … ME+WE has really lost it this time. But no … I am serious.
I certainly would not have wished that experience on us and I surely would not ever want to go through that again. Yes that experience radically changed our lives but it was not all for the bad. In fact, I would say that 90% of the experience has been positive. This is not about making lemonade out of lemons. This is about opening our eyes to understanding that we were always living surrounded by the potential of making the beautiful lemons in our lives into even better lemonade – we just had to open our hearts and minds and souls to see that.
Now, this does not mean that we have not done a whole lot of really hard and painful work on ourselves since then. Those lemons don’t just fall off of the tree. Enlightenment and healing take work … a whole huge life commitment worth of hard work. But, we have both been dedicated to our therapy (both with our psychologists and in the in between sessions space of our lives); to trying alternative therapies in addition to our psychotherapy; trying to live a Better Living Program (what we call trying to eat right and exercise); taking mediation classes and joining meditation groups, building a stronger relationship based on compassion and understanding; removing toxic relationships from our lives; opening ourselves to new friendships with folks who might not have been on our radar in the pas; and, changing the way that we live our life together on so many different, new and exciting levels. Oh … and I gained twelve new inside friends with a diagnosis of DID that resulted from crisis and therapy. WOW … that was a huge plus.
Our lives were radically changed that day because we chose to see the potential rather than just the pain. So, that is what we are celebrating today. We have resolved that we will spend the day acknowledging life found not what we lost. Because, in the end, we have lost nothing but the things in our lives that were keeping us back from living life fully, with intent, passion and joy.
ME+WE
06/13/18
Hi ME+WE,
I want to congratulate you on your (and your husband’s) ability to rise so far above this terrible circumstance in your past. That you could go out and celebrate, how far you’ve come since then, shows a lot about your character and your substance. You are an amazing individual. I can see throughout your writing, that you have become very good at, not only rising above circumstances, but seeing the best in everything and everyone and flying high with grace and gratefulness. It’s helpful to be able to see the silver lining in a dark cloud. It certainly can be the catalyst for continuing to move forward, where it might cause someone else to give up. I’m glad you have this capability. I’ve always wanted someone to spur me on with kindness and encouragement. Usually, I was the one who did the giving. So, now, I am blessed by your presence.
Personally, so far, I choose to believe I dishonor my child parts by being grateful for any trauma that they have suffered. I believe we become stronger, more enlightened, etc., for other reasons, despite what we’ve been through, not because of it. I think if it were because of what happened to us, the world would be abundantly full of healthy, happy, and enlightened people.
That’s all I can say about this right now.
I hope your evening was all you both wanted it to be.
naturluvr
6/17/18
Dear Naturluvr,
Thank you for your very kind words. However, I am feeling rather the fake and phoney at the moment. I try so very hard to see the positives in life. This I learned from my hero/mentor in life … a very dear friend of mine who I have watched battle MS for 35 years. He is the most upbeat, cheerful and active person (taking on all kinds of disability issues). He is profoundly disabled at this point with no use of his legs, very limited use of his arms and hands, is deaf and legally blind and is in constant pain. Yet, he still stays cheerful and upbeat. Yes he has his moments of pain, anger, frustration and depression. But he told me a long time ago, “I am going to spend my life progressively more and more disabled. Being angry, depressed and miserable is not going to cure me. So, I choose to make the best of what I do have rather than waste my life on what I can never have.”
Now, I am not grateful for what happened to me as a child and young adult. And I certainly do not disrespect the pain and suffering that my insiders were put through. I certainly wish that my life had been different. What happened to me was not fair, was not right, was not deserved … but it was what I got. So, I am trying to understand, work on all of my stuff, and heal. In my crazy mind I am thinking that staying positive is one of the keys. Right now I am feeling like I am drowning in lemons!
ME+WE
06/17/18
ME+WE,
One of my child parts, laughed at seeing you surrounded by lots and lots of lemons, like balloons. She doesn’t mean to be disrespectful. It was just a silly, kind of “Far Side” thing. Don’t want to dis your pain.
You know, I think maybe we talk up a good, positive, sometimes over-the-top happy kind of talk, because some part of us learned to do that for us, to survive. I sometimes see you and see me. Sometimes, I see you and think, I WANT to be like that. ; )
God bless your friend! My heart goes out to him. I have a friend who’s cheerful all the time, no matter what. I/parts don’t appreciate that anymore. I’ve had too many people, all my life, shy away from, pretend, stick their heads in the sand, deny, lie, act blind to, numb themselves, etc., etc. I can’t stand it anymore. I want the truth! Life is up and down, good and bad. Life is ecstasy and life is sufferable, and everywhere in between. I am learning my friend is not able to listen to pain, nor to share it. This makes me want to spend less time with him. “When we share joy we double it. When we share pain we halve it.” Actually, I think, often, when we share joy, it expands exponentially! And when we share pain, it can improve exponentially, too. It can even completely disappear, for a while. I just want people who can be present, people who can be in their bodies, and in their soul, and can share from there.
I have spent oodles of time writing affirmations, being positive, thinking positive, reading books, and more books. I think being positive is one of the keys for healing and moving forward. It is very important to look to the positive and not catastrophize, etc. What I am learning from my parts, and my t!… is to just BE and be PRESENT. Because if I am busy listening to something “positive” I may be denying a part’s feelings. I want my part to feel what she feels, and to let me know, that I can know her, and feel what she feels. It is in the BEING PRESENT WITH WHAT IS… that heals. But you know, as well as I, that parts can take us away and practically drown us in misery, or lemons : ]. It’s tricky sometimes to allow, surrender and feel, but not to STAY there for over-time.
I listen to a lady on YouTube who channels some very intelligent and helpful information. Yet, she pushes the idea that spending time with “negative” feelings is bad. Wow. How can anyone face the truth within themselves if they are constantly running from the pain? I listen to her, and move myself out of negativity, only when I seem to be wallowing in the negativity and not able to reach the other side naturally. Still, I find her most helpful.
And, ME+WE, you’re not fake or phony, even when you feel you’re drowning in lemons. I think you and me, and others, have a part of us that is a real Pollyana, a totally cheerful, bright light of inspiration, even at times of dismal darkness. AND, we have other parts, all at the same time. For me, I will say, that sometimes, this cheerful part goes over the top, and over does it. She’s doing what she’s always done, and I’m grateful to her, because otherwise, I may not have survived. Sometimes, I realize, when I’m coming from my Pollyana part, it seems I am trying to convince others, but I’m actually doing is trying to convince myself. I find in time, there is no need for convincing at all. It’s the child trying, trying. The adult knows better.
If I ride the LIFE-IS-NOW, the power-is-in-the-present-moment wave of PRESENCE, Spirit will move through me/us/my parts and I will come back to center, back to a point of balance.
Sorry, for my long-winded posts. : p
Loving-kindness and compassion to you my friend. You are so beautiful, just the way you are.
naturluvr
6/17/18
ME+WE and naturluvr,
Thank you both for your responses. It’s very difficult to be kind to ourselves. The no beating ourselves up over every single little thing is a skill we haven’t yet mastered. We have gotten better at it. There is an alter inside, whom we project outside of us (he lives inside the wall of our apt), that is constantly battering us with all our faults, plus a whole lot of made up ones. lol. He’s on hyper-drive, especially when I feel weakened emotionally. His idea of his job is ‘kick ’em while their down’. Would be good if he chose a different line of work but he’s the internal critic and takes his job seriously. But, we are doing our best to not believe everything he says.
Complicated grief?? I think I have heard this before but can’t remember. It is exactly what we feel. Seems like the one thing after another, on top of decades of shoving down and splitting off, surrounding numb oblivion, grouped with helplessness and hopelessness. The loss after loss after loss on top of everything else has recently kicked our butts. I’m gonna have to look up complicated grief. Maybe Kathy has an article or something, too.
We are feeling a bit better. Weird thing is even the so-called easy things for us to do is so much harder lately. But, some things we gotta get done even if it takes longer than usual, like all this paperwork we been too scattered and forgetful to do. Finally, today we filled out some of it and have it organized to take to the library and finish.
Day after tomorrow is the big day, we will go meet this new t. Feels like a new chapter. Some grief pops up about the reasons why we have to see a new one but, instead of knocking us out like the past several months, we see it and tell us it’s okay to feel sad about the past and kinda excited about the future at the same time.
Thank you for your kindness and support. We started coming here, and reaching out, a few months after our T got sick. Needing the support and kindness of others. We are very grateful to you, to all of you, for being our anchor in this world while we were spinning in the dark.
B (for the Collective, who is Kennedy, KenKen, TheC4B)
Hi Kennedy Collective,
There is such strength and wisdom in your posting. I hope that you can hear that in your virtual voice here. You are taking on this current place in your life with keen perspective; understanding the various dimensions of your grief and struggles; seeing where your issues have tripped you up in the past and making changes to be sure not to repeat those patterns now; facing the insiders who are at play, unpacking their motives and actions and trying to negotiate a better way; honouring your feelings and not dissociating yourself away; being courageous enough to seek out a new T to work with; and reaching out here understanding that it is a good thing to reach out and talk with others.
Well, my heart is bursting right now I am so proud of how you are coping and working and dealing with your stuff. Absolutely, awesomely, inspiringly, incredibly wonderful to see/hear. KUDOS to you!
Oh, and Naturluvr … what a treasure you are to our community here. I am so touched and enlightened by your postings. My sincere gratitude to the universe for bringing you to our virtual doorstep.
It is not about not having bad stuff to deal with in our lives folks but learning how to turn down the dial on its impact on us. For most of us, our dials have been on overdrive all of our lives. But, we are learning here that that does not have to be how we live from this point forward. It takes a heck of a lot of courage and work to turn down that dial but it can be done. Our shared stories here are testimony to that fact. Thank you for sharing friends.
ME+WE
06/13/18
KenKen, It’s brave to see a new T. Hard to do suggestion: have no expectations. Don’t expect T to suck; don’t expect T to rock. Try not to evaluate (good, bad, etc.). Just experience what unfolds. Hard to do. And possible. Love yous. ❤️6/14/18
Hi Kennedy,
The time period in which I am affected is the same, or a little bit less yearly, as far as anniversary dates of holidays and birthdays. But in a situation like yours, I wouldn’t be any better off. You have 1-loss, 2-loss, 3-loss and a 4th loss (the loss of your t). When we have Complicated Grief, the grief process can take much longer. Often the obvious grief triggers much deeper unresolved grief, and with DID it can be felt (or repressed) on so many levels, from so many parts. It took 15 years for me to finish processing the loss of my most favorite furry-child, because of suppression and repression. This year is my best year yet. I feel grateful I can actually think of her and not feel the need to cry. (Of course, now, I feel the constant need to cry about something else, not sure what, but that’s a whole ‘nother story. LOL!)
Congratulate yourself on how well you ARE doing. Sometimes it’s easy for us to see everything that’s going wrong, and not as much what’s going right, things like no thoughts, or less thoughts, of suicidal ideation, less anger than last year, or last month, that fact that we reach out, rather than isolate, nurture ourselves better, etc. Our inner kids need hugs and kudos, to hear that we notice their progress, and value them and their efforts.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your kitty. : ( And your t! It took me years to get over the loss of one of my t’s. Give yourself ALL THE TIME YOU NEED, Kennedy. ALL THE TIME YOU NEED. And… be sure and nurture yourself/parts to the fullest!
Thank you, for thoroughly helping me to dump any guilt about repeating the poem. That was very kind of you!
naturluvr
6/11/18
Hey everyone.
I have question…how long does anniversary dates mess you up? It’s been over a month now that an anniversary date has come and gone but we are still way outta sorts because of it. Irritable, angry, sad, crying at a drop of a hat, can’t see outside our own head, physical pains, etc etc. It didn’t help that mother’s day was a week before and our cat disappeared a week after, so the combination of all three is possibly what is making it worse. But, usually we ride out the storm for a week or so, not month.
We are seeing a new T next week. It’s been 7 months since Dr. T abruptly retired due to medical issues for him. We are feeling a need to begin again. Didn’t think that would happen. Glad it is. Maybe we will soon be able to read others posts and comment again. Sorry we were not capable for a while.
naturluvr, No worries, no need to feel bad! We posted that same poem on another page here not knowing Kathy had an article already on it, too. It’s a very good way to see outside ourselves that we can overcome, take control of our lives, and choose different paths, once we can see and understand we don’t have to keep falling in those holes.
It’s pretty amazing that she has so so many articles about almost everything. Kinda cool.
Hi Kennedy,
Well you never ask the simple questions do you? Hahahaha
Actually, I think that you have answered your own question here – “It didn’t help that mother’s day was a week before and our cat disappeared a week after, so the combination of all three is possibly what is making it worse.”
You are dealing with grief on a whole bunch of levels here Kennedy. It is little wonder that you are feeling a bit stuck. And, you do not have a T at the moment to help you unpack everything that is happening in your life/has happened in your life. I know that you are going to see a new T this week and I am super happy for you and hopeful that the new T will be a good fit for you. Remember it takes time to build a relationship. You know how good this can be (thinking Dr T here) so I am really sending tons of positive energy your way that the session goes well.
In the meantime, just be gentle and kind with yourself. You are dealing with a lot of stuff. No judgments, no negative messages, no shoulds or coulds or what ifs. Just take it one day at a time and let your mind and body feel what it needs to feel. I do not want you to get stuck there but I also do not want you to push away what your body and mind need to process your grief.
You know, a positive about my DID is I have no sense of time and dates. Now, sometimes this is not a good thing (my husband teases me because I cannot remember our wedding anniversary) but when it comes to bad things, I do not have those dates in my head. As hard as it is, try to make dates on the calendar just dates on the calendar. That does not mean that the bad things did not happen but they do not have to be forever memorialized on a particular date on the calendar. Not dismissing your feelings here Kennedy just trying to help okay?!
Lots of hugs and positive energy sent your way.
ME+WE
06/11/18