I was given a great idea by one of the readers here at Discussing Dissociation:
I would love to see a thread/topic here that really didn’t have any topic other than maybe people connecting or checking in if they wanted to. Maybe even about things that have nothing to do with DID. It would be nice to have a spot where we could just be our normal complicated selves. “I just made the best pot of chicken soup.” “Today I went for a hike.” “The snowfall this morning was so lovely.”
There aren’t many places where we can just be us and not have a problem be the focus of the connection.
So that’s what this thread is for….
Feel free to write whatever you wanna write in the Comments section below, and this thread can just be about your “normal complicated selves”!
Enjoy, and please feel free to write lots!
Due to the overwhelming response on this page,
we’ve reached an amazing 1055 comments on this page !!
But….because it was not loading correctly,
we have moved over to
Our Normal Complicated Selves , page 2 —
CLICK HERE !!
GOOD NEWS UPDATE:
The 1055 comments on this page are NOW able to be seen!
YAY YAY YAY for our computer-tech gal!
You will notice, waaaaaaaay down at the bottom of the page, under the last comment, that there are now one or two new links.
One link is for “Older Comments”. And one link is for “Newer Comments”
If you don’t see the “New Comments” link, you are already looking at the newest comment. The newest comments do get posted at the bottom of the page, so… as backwards as that feels, that’s where the newest comment sits — underneath the last comment posted before that.
Once you click the Older Comments link, you’ll move to a new page of comments that were written earlier.
Clicking the links at the bottom off the various pages will allow you to see all 1055 comments on this page!!
That’s super exciting news to me, because there have been some fabulous conversations in this area. And by making these comments “reachable” again, we’ve kept all our treasured words available to read again. YAY!!
THANK YOU for writing — it’s genuinely so very good to hear from you.
Please continue to let this place be part of your healing journey.
Warmly,
Kathy
Copyright © 2008-2021 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
Somebody realized, today… we didn’t have to post the poem (that Kathy posted). We could have simply referred to it. I’m so sorry. I ask all of you for your patience and loving-kindness. My child parts are just learning. Since, I’ve just barely begun to get to know my parts, since they’ve started coming forward, I find myself (them) blundering constantly. It’s to be expected. Children need to be allowed mistakes, while they are learning. As a child, we were never allowed to make mistakes, without suffering heavy consequences. Olympic-medal-deserving controlling and perfectionistic parts took over to placate, appease, survive, my abusive, narcissistic, perfectionist, Virgo parents (Universal-Love bless them both)! I can hardly believe how MUCH control we used to have! It’s mindblowing! “I” was a perfection nazi (reference to Seinfeld’s, “soup nazi” : ).
So sad. It’s scary writing here. I feel risk every time I write. Still, we will continue, because I know practice is what [makes perfect. : ] causes us to excel.
naturluvr
6/9/18
Hi Naturluvr,
First of all, there are no mistakes here – we are not here to be perfect ourselves or to point out imperfections in anyone else. That is because we are all perfect just the way we are. Nothing to worry about, apologize for or be self-critical about. This space is about compassion and unconditional acceptance. You can put the old critical messages aside here because we do not follow all of those rules put on us by others in the past. There is nothing to fear here in writing because we simply welcome each other with open minds and hearts. That does not mean that we always agree with one another. But, we always respect one another.
You know what Naturluvr, posting the poem again was a good thing and meant to be. There will be some folks who will discover the poem here when they may not have seen Kathy’s posting. That is great. There are no mistakes, just opportunities in sharing.
Your friend,
ME+WE
06/09/18
Thank you, ME+WE. How kind you are!
And then, LOL! Oh my! No mistakes, right. Ha-ha-ha! Okay, well… The other day, I was responding to one of your replies to me. When I hit send, I did not see it and the usual, “your comment is awaiting moderation.” It was gone-zo! Disappeared! Oh-no! I did not want to write the whole thing all over again. But I did. Now, I see BOTH. 😮 **sigh** LOL!
Actually….. naturluvr,
There were THREE posts all almost the same, LOL. I recognized it before I approved the third one, but oh well — maybe your words need to be read a few times over, lol. It’s all good…. 🙂
LOL … I have been having issues reposting my comments lately too because I was not seeing the “your comment is awaiting moderation” message come up. Kathy must have caught those for me. Sometimes different insiders will jump in and repost things or say the same thing or I will just loose track of what I have already said, etc. So, that is why I can be so understanding of other folks doing the same LOL. ☺
Oh, and I read, reread and read again postings bunches of times so I would not notice … hahahaha.
ME+WE
06/11/18
Kennedy — sorry about that bad day. I wish to send you light.
Hi Naturluvr,
I wanted to address (separately) something in an earlier posting of yours (sorry that I did not get to this sooner):
“Feeling a little bit feverish again. I think it might be a child part from a Mother-abuse. I think the little one is percolating in the…trying to let me know about it… the thing that happens when I start learning about the trauma in me… I get the feeling I got to get it out of my body… breathe it out… live it out… express it… release it. I’ve never been able to release it any other way. What’s been your experience with this, ME+WE? (What about ALL of you? What’s YOUR experience?)”
I have all kinds of different body memories with different insiders. Actually, that is how my first insider tried to communicate with me. And, my different insiders have different habitual physical movements/body sensations (like coughing and choking) and physical problems (like blurry eyesight). I also have had uncontrollable shivering/shaking in therapy. My T says this is my body releasing all of the trapped trauma energy.
At first I was self-conscious of the things my body was doing. For example, my arms and hands would go up with my hands out in a “stop” kind of gesture. They would freeze there and I would not be able to move them even though I had not switched out (i.e., ME the host was still in executive control). Then I just I got to a point where I did not pay any attention to what my body was doing while I talked. I just let whatever needed to happen, happen. I figure that it is someone in my system who needs to release some energy or express themselves. Now, this is tricky when I am in public but it is more often then not something that just comes with discussing trauma or when I am seriously triggered or alone with my stuff.
I am not sure if this is exactly what you are asking here Naturluvr. If not, maybe you can explain a little more about what you are experiencing.
ME+WE
06/06/18
ME+WE,
Yes, thank you. I have all that stuff happen with me/parts, also. That was some of what I was asking. Mostly my question, to all, has to do with the idea that some t’s say we don’t have to re-live the trauma, or specifically remember it. This has NOT been my experience. For all my major trauma (body-intrusive), where I have dissociated, my body has always needed to re-member it. This causes me to FEEL it for the first time—since I wasn’t actually there, was dissociated once it began. I have had many of these occasions where I have breathed out and experienced the pain and feelings, while KNOWING exactly what was being done to my body, with a complete clarity and knowledge I never had before. I didn’t necessarily know who was doing it, but my body let me know, without a doubt, what it was that was happening, and what it was I lived through and needed to dissociate from. Once the trauma moved through my cells and RELEASED in this manner, it was totally over. For good. That particular trauma never caused me anymore problems or symptoms. I feel a million times better after one of these releases. All my life, until this releasing happens, the trauma “haunts” me. There are, daily, physical and psychological symptoms. After the release, it’s not stuck in my body anymore. It’s gone. Freedom. Completion.
For instance, with a hynotherapist I had once, I breathed out a r**e. I cried out in pain, and felt all of it, as if it were happening to me now (then). Then, it was over. Afterward, I had hours of no pain in my legs (I was suffering horrible Fibro pain in legs during that time). It was like a miracle… so wonderful. This kind of thing has happened for every kind of r**e/body-intrusion that has been done to me. The catalyst that caused the release is different for each case, but in all situations, it’s been “breathed” out of my body. The shivering/shaking, you mentioned, has happened a lot, too and, specially in the beginning–breaking through a triple-trauma that had all other traumas blocked. That was intense and looked a bit like epileptic seizures. Since then, it is more mild.
I mention this because I’m having feelings, from a little, leading me to believe there is trauma needing releasing. It’s living in a kind of hell (kind of like living rhrough therapy and healing of DID;), until it gets released, until the precious, precious, child gets freedom from the frozen-buried pain.
Glad your back, ME+WE, and doing relatively well after 4 days with your family. Happy to hear your tree is doing well! : ) I LOVE trees!
naturluvr
6/7/18
Hi ME+WE,
The symptoms you describe are the same I experience. (I’m sorry you have to suffer them.) Of course, particular motions with hands, and all kinds of body movements, vary. I cough and choke. (Choking is one of my worst and scariest symptoms. I have to work hard to regain my breath and affirm that I am safe and not going to die. Thank God, they don’t happen often.) I shook/shivered uncontrollably, like I was having an Epileptic seizure, when I first started confronting a huge trauma that was blocking many other trauma memories. I knew the “frozen walls” hiding the trauma memory were beginning to thaw. Now, trembling comes and goes in therapy, but more mild. I know it happens more intensely when in the process of “removing the lid” of a repressed trauma memory, the same as the “front” of storms are often windier and worse than what follows.
It is the opinion of some t’s that trauma does not have to be relived to be healed. (This is where I would like YOU ALL’S personal opinions.) Personally, this has not been my experience. I have had to re-MEMBER, a.k.a. connect the circuits, and “relive” the trauma for each of my major traumas. To say I relive the trauma is incorrect. My body stored the memory, but my conscious self did not. I dissociated and did not FEEL it (thank you, Source, for this phenomenal cellular intelligence!). This is why when I am healing a particular trauma, I find that I have to FEEL IT and breathe through it for the 1st time, and as I do, it actually leaves my body for good. Forever!
For example, I remember one time, with a hypnotherapist, I released, breathed through, a trauma. I felt it as if I were living through it in the present. I didn’t remember the particular person who hurt me, nor the time or date. But I knew exactly what was happening to my body, and OMG did I feel it! After the session, I was pain free from the Fibromyalgia I was suffering. I’ll never forget how deliciously light and free my legs felt, like “normal” people, for many hour! Too bad it didn’t last. (There was more stored trauma causing continued strife.)
I have many stories of healing each major trauma (body intrusive) this way… by the breathing, feeling, re-membering and fully releasing of it. Once I do this, I KNOW THE TRUTH of what happened. There are no more doubts. And all physical, emotional, mental, etc. symptoms connected to it, are gone… because it fully leaves my body. So, when anyone says, “you don’t have to relive a trauma to heal from it,” I say, “that has not been my experience.” I am grateful for the times that my body has fully re-membered and released it!
I bring this up because it feels like I am nearing one of these times. Not sure if it will be next week or next year, but I feel a little one inside beginning to “tell me” through body symptoms about trauma that happened to her. And it has always been the case, that until we get the full relief/release and the TRUTH lets out, I/my body feels “haunted,” a part/s has restless sleep, continuous anxiety, fear, and other symptoms. It is during this time I find each day the hardest and most challenging.
I wish I could just cry, scream, release it, but it comes in its own time, like a baby. It IS like a new birth! The body, the child part, no longer has to carry the burden. It takes time because it is about increasing bonding and trust, with me, the “little/s,” protector parts, and my t.
Here’s to releasing burdens!
naturluvr
6/9/18
Hi Naturluvr,
Well, that is really fascinating. My T does not encourage me to relive the trauma although the flashbacks and reliving just happens often when memories are triggered. It was also the way that my little ones communicated for a long time to tell what happened to them (i.e., they did not have words to describe what happened). My T encourages them to understand that they are reliving a memory that it is not the here and now, She has a stuffed dog that she uses to help them ground in the here and now and know that they are in her office and not back then in the middle of the trauma. So, while she does not encourage the reliving of the trauma, she does not forbid it or make me feel that I did something wrong if that is triggered.
Flashbacks and body memories have been more of an information gathering process for me. There is some release in now having a piece of the puzzle and the trauma being understood. But, I do not get the same kind of release that you do. That is amazing. Maybe others have had the same experience. I would really welcome being able to release the energy of the trauma that way … well, anyway actually.
You know best what your system is feeling. It sounds like you are very in tune with the signals of your body. That is great. Hopefully you will be able to find a safe outlet for that energy. Oh … emphasis on safe here.
Thank you for sharing this Naturluvr. Please keep us posted about what happens with your process here.
Your friend,
ME+WE
06/09/18
Hi naturluvr,
I just wanted to comment on this one statement (now that I can see outside of my own head),
‘It is the opinion of some t’s that trauma does not have to be relived to be healed. (This is where I would like YOU ALL’S personal opinions.)”
My opinion is that there are stages of therapy that are helpful in DID recovery. I don’t know about every T out there, but some I have ran across seem to think that since I am new to them I also must be new to treatment. (Or, at least, that’s how it feels when safety is the main topic they want to deal with. Even when I explain this is not my first rodeo and I do not act out SI, I feel it and think about it but I dont act on it, and I am as safe as I am ever gonna be.) Safety is very important and the first step in trauma recovery with good reason, but when we have all the issues surrounding safety in a place where we can work on the trauma, then not allowing that to unfold in our individual ways is more an issue, in my opinion, of the T’s capability and willingness to be a witness for and support their clients. Some T’s react to abreactions and trauma narratives like they are being traumatized themselves by their clients needs.
(Personally, we are pretty picky about therapists. We have expectations of how our therapy will go and a T who has their own agenda and will not tolerate our way of doing things is not a T for us. They may work for other people, but we have found that trying to fit our square peg into their tiny little round holes just makes us suffer more. And makes us act out to try to get what we need. Everything blows up and we end up hurt, frustrated, and believing we are bad.)
We recently heard a T tell another client that they (therapists) don’t want to hear ‘that shit’ (she said shit) because they take it home with them and suffer. That BLEW MY MIND. She calls herself a trauma therapist. Oy. She is of the belief that clients do not need to remember or reconnect the trauma.
I can understand needing to abreact the trauma to free you from the pain and torture. Makes perfect sense to me. I believe it’s perfectly okay to need to do that. Maybe after a while it will get to the point where full-on abreactions are no longer necessary to feel the release of the trauma. There is no such thing as a ‘one size fits all’ approach to trauma therapy. There are guidelines, and there are tried and true things that can help all survivors. But, because we are all individuals, each of us will go down our own roads in our own ways.
Back when we were starting out we had abreactions and they scared the hell outta me. I couldn’t stop them and they made me suicidal. We were putting the cart before the horse and kinda doing everything in a helter skelter sort of way. So, needing to stop us from doing that was wise and helpful. We needed, back then, to stop concentrating on memories and begin at the beginning with safety issues so we didn’t leave the session wanting to die. Now, if we need to, we relive with words and visions and not so much act out the physical parts because it’s too scary for us, we get lost in it and it takes outside people to pull us out of them. Which in our case isn’t possible and that makes it dangerous.
My long and rambling post just wanted to say we think if abreacting works for you and is beneficial for all of you, then maybe tell your t that you know deep within you that this is the way you all need to do things. Maybe they fear safety concerns are at stake. See if you can’t work it out.
Take Care Of Yous
Thank you, Kennedy. Always appreciate what you have to share.
I consider abreactions and trauma memory release to be two different things. The former is repeating/reliving trauma, the latter is breathing it out of the body and freeing it. Not sure how to describe how I managed to do the latter and not the former, but I did. But since I have this new t, I don’t do either.
I have distrust of her handling anything severe, because she hasn’t shown me, yet, that she CAN handle it. I’m not getting any releasing in therapy anymore. Haven’t in a long time. This new way of doing therapy feels slow, lengthy, and costly. Yet, I’m willing to keep trying it because she feels strongly about it, and I’m learning different kind of stuff. I’ve been working on trusting her and doubting the parts that have been lead roles in my life. It’s confounding and scary. I often leave therapy in a very vulnerable, child-state, cry and feel tremendous grief once home on my own. I’m going through gut-wrenching separation issues due to major attachment wounds from childhood. I can’t even write about this now. I’ve been messed up again since leaving therapy yesterday.
The trauma therapist that said she didn’t want to “hear that shit” needs to do everyone a favor and get the hell out of the profession!
I want to talk about taking care of parts, thank you, friend. Maybe I’ll start a new thread.
naturluvr
6/15/18
I’m sorry if I’ve overwhelmed others, by coming on so strong– sharing too much. I’m going to back off. I feel sad others have disappeared.
naturluvr
6/6/18
Hopefully, Kathy won’t post my lengthy rant about my mother.
Hi Naturluvr,
Oh my, my … please do not stop posting here. I hope that this is not in response to my posting where I am trying to consolidate into a single message (or two or …). I was just hearing folks getting overwhelmed with the volume of messages here (you as well early on as I recall) and was trying something new. I am not convinced that it will work because it does not respond well to individual threads. I may have to amend it to all messages in a single thread. We have almost 900 messages here on this blog to date. How great is that? We may have to just ask Kathy if we can have a new blog page to continue on with new topics to break up the volume a bit.
Bottom line Naturluvr, as far as I am concerned, you have not come on too strong or shared too much. Those are old messages from our abusers – that we are too much, want too much, need to be silenced, dare not speak up and share our truths, cannot expect others to want to hear us, etc. Those lessons from our abusers are not who we are here. We do not have big rules here for discussions and certainly would never want to silence anyone (host or insiders).
Oh, and there is an ebb and flow to folks posting here. Sometimes folks go silent for a while. That is what they need to do for themselves. Sometimes things come up and posting is not possible (like me this past week). Some folks just post once in a while (that is just their way). Some folks do not post at all (we share space with them in our collective sense of community). So, do not worry if folks do not speak up or respond to your postings. Putting your stuff out there is healing for you and for others who read your postings whether or not they say so explicitly here. So please keep posting.
Your voice is heard here Naturluvr, welcomed and valued have no doubt of that. I have learned a lot from what you have written and have been inspired by how open, honest and insightful you have been. Please do not deprive me of beautiful, courageous, wonderful you!
Your friend,
ME+WE
06/06/18
Hi All,
Well, I am finally home after five days away … off with family and friends all needy, dysfunctional, stressful and way too triggering for my sanity. As they say in meditation group …”just when you feel that you are enlightened, go and spend a day with your family.” Well, the same may apply to … “just when you think that you are on top of your issues, go and spend a day with your family.” I spent four days. Hum … not such a great plan.
Anyway, I have been reading stuff here on the DD website and am so pleased to hear new voices, renewed voices and Kathy’s voice here. Our Normal Complicated Selves blog is getting humongous!!! Wow … when we start talking folks we really let loose. The barriers to silence have sure been blasted through. AWESOME!!!!
Now, I was hearing some folks getting overwhelmed with the volume of material on Our Normal Complicated Selves blog. So, I thought that I would start replying in batches (i.e., when I reply each day to posts here I will do so in one message with all of my responses). Just this blog not the others. Now, I am thinking that this screws up the threads of discussions so I am not sure if this will work but I am going to give it a try. Oh, and I think that I will miss some here because I can only really figure out the last 20 messages so if I miss something that you have posted, please excuse me for my oversight.
Naturluvr: I am so glad to see you posting here. It seems that the silence has been broken and I am so happy for that. We have spent our lives keeping quiet … the horrible legacy of trauma. Silence is the most vicious weapon of our abusers but it is also their greatest weakness. The more that we stay quiet, the more that they and society get to pretend that they are not the horrible, evil people that they are. And, the more entrapped in trauma that we become. It is like a spiders web that just gets thicker and thicker and harder and harder to escape from the more that we stay silent. Well, collectively we can cut ourselves free and shout our truths from our virtual rooftop here.
Well, you are certainly shouting our your stories from the heart Naturluvr and that is wonderful to see/hear. I do think that you are right on about setting boundaries and choosing who is going to be in your life (thinking about your mother here). We have to value ourselves enough to say we are worth so much more and that only people who nurture, enrich and bring positive energy into our lives will be allowed to be a part of our lives. I am so trying to learn that blood kinship does not give anyone a free pass into my life. I have to learn to only let folks who value and respect me have a place at my table of life.
Oh and yes, intuition is crucial here. If it does not feel right well, it probably is not good for you. I remember my allergist telling me a long time ago that when you feel yourself gagging or unable to eat something or smell something or touch something, it is your body telling you that you are allergic to it and to not go near it. Well, we have to start listening to our bodies when they tell us who in our lives are toxic to us and stay away from them. Researchers have shown that the brain is not only part of your body that has memory or feelings. So too does your heart and gut. So, listen to all three of them to help guide your way – your RED-FLAG feelings Naturluvr.
Oh, and I do believe in signs from the universe and nature speaking to us. My husband is just reading the book – The Hidden Life of Trees. Yes they do communicate with one another and cooperate with each other. Well, when I was at my mother’s house, I went out into the backyard and hugged my favourite tree (a huge old oak tree). It was my friend when I was growing up and I loved it very much (still do). There was a time when I was a kid that it was sick with a disease and it was loosing leaves and branches. My father said that he thought that he was going to have to cut it down. I would go out everyday to collect up all of the fallen branches and leaves and hide them so my father would not see them. I hoped that he would think that the tree was better. I would hug that tree everyday and tell it how much I loved it and wanted it to live. Well, over five decades later, there I was this weekend hugging my friend and telling it how much I loved it and hoped that it was feeling fine.
Oh … please do not worry about expressing your feelings any way that you want to Narurluvr. Your enthusiasm, honesty and joy are a wonderful inspiration. And you are very okay and very normal and very much validated and valued here. We are all on this journey together. Some of us are just starting, Some of us are a bit further down the road. We all have so much to offer one another in experience, insight, welcoming hearts and minds and hope. We are here for you Narturluvr. We are a community of fellow travelers.
Sarah D.: Great insight here. Thank you so much for this. I know that this was a response to Narturluvr but I learned a great deal from your posting as well. You are so very brave to be doing what is right and good for you. I like the idea that you have surrounded yourself with external support so that you are not alone with your stuff. I really think that that is important and why our community here is so vital for those folks who do not have face-to-face support.
A: Hum … deep thoughts and questions. Lots to ponder … “Do you think you can sense evil?” WOW. We certainly have had a lot of experience with evil. I wonder if that gives us some super powers to detect evil. I certainly feel guided by the universal energy (God energy if you are into that). Again, that is about getting in tune with our inner spiritual selves. I feel that our insiders can really help here. Sometimes what we call intuition is this spiritual link I feel.
Whew … that was a lot to catch up on … ☺
ME+WE
06/05/18
Hey ME+WE and everyone,
You said, “Silence is the most vicious weapon of our abusers but it is also their greatest weakness. The more that we stay quiet, the more that they and society get to pretend that they are not the horrible, evil people that they are. And, the more entrapped in trauma that we become. It is like a spiders web that just gets thicker and thicker and harder and harder to escape from the more that we stay silent. Well, collectively we can cut ourselves free and shout our truths from our virtual rooftop here.”
Awesome. Maybe that’s why they do their very best (or worst) trauma surrounding keeping us silent. All bullies are cowards. And abusers are the most cowardly people around. We were trained from the beginning to keep silent. The training and constant testing screwed up everything in our mind to protect them and denounce and deny us. Just so they can keep their secrets. In our case, they succeeded. 30 plus years of silence we carried their shame, their evil, their pain — all because the fear they put in us. Because they played on our young minds, telling us over and over we deserved it in all the ways they twist young minds.
I like the idea of responding to people in one post like this. I hope it clears up some confusion that we’ve been feeling about this page. IDK about anybody else, but when we click on a link on the right side of the page, we may or may not get directed to the actual post. Maybe reading all the post, one after another, in a line down the page will be easier to see, understand, and respond to.
You spent 4 days with family !? OMG. I would be under my bed reeling from the emotional fallout. I hope yous take care of yous. Big hugs.
A: “Do you think you can sense evil?” My answer is yes. But, because of all the trauma we see almost everything as evil even when it really isn’t. Our super-aware senses are always on high and sometimes we miss things. Our filters tell us to stay away from everyone and translate miscommunications as attacks and misinterpret meaning. Plus, because we are so aware that evil really does exist, we push everyone away just to keep ourselves safe. We did a lot of damage to ourselves by doing that. We are now completely alone without anyone who knows us. The isolation is so much more damaging and not something we can simply decide to change.
The last major traumatic event in our lives we didn’t miss the evil intentions of the attackers. Intuition told us that we were gonna be hurt badly. But, there was an overriding decision we made to ignore the deep internal intuitive voice/feeling. Why? Because they were gonna hurt us no matter what we did. There was no getting out of it. We made an instant choice to survive it with minimal physical damage. The fight/flight response was triggered and we escaped in our mind which was the only way we could survive. If we would have fought harder we’d probably be dead, we couldn’t run physically. That would have prompted them to up their violence. That event sent us running to a different state and made us literally shut ourselves away from the world. We survived it, the one event on the one day (May 6, 2010), but we have suffered greatly all the consequences. Eight years later, we are still suffering the fallout. We built a prison to keep ourselves in and everyone else out. Darkness is what we endure every single moment of every single day now.
We read _Nonviolent Communication _3d edition by Marshall Rosenberg. Read it twice because the Explainer/Examiner is overwhelmed these last few years. We asked 2 of our Ts to read it. One did. The other will this year. It’s short (only chapters 1-10 are essential to us) and pretty breezy.
Marshall says people aren’t good, bad, evil, etc. He says everyone has needs. Most of us don’t know how to express them properly or consider each other’s needs.
The book teaches how. In a world of nonviolent communication, everyone’s needs get met. No compromises. When everyone truly listens, we are naturally compassionate and interested in meeting each other’s needs.
We asked T to help us use this inside. We have turned off our feelings for other people mostly. We are going to listen to us now. Now is the time to hear us. What are our needs? How can we meet our own needs?
We asked the parents for help in May. We asked for facts. One parent gave myths for answers. Even Ts were agog (that’s a word, right?) at the BS. One parent gave no answers.
We will have to be there for us now. That’s why we turned everyone else down.
The other T doesn’t want us turning everyone off. She wants us to hear us and care about others. We’ll see. Keeping open mind on it.
We are learning how to not judge us. Practicing on others. Hard to do unless we’re calm. When are we ever calm—lol?? Without worries about others in our heads, it’s quieter. Maybe not healthy. Still, we’ll take the relative stillness.
We’re not telling anyone they’re wrong. If A and ME+WE and KenKen believe people can be evil, that’s no threat to us.
We choose to see hurting people with unmet needs harming others in an attempt to get their needs met. It is not going to meet their needs. And we get hurt a lot in the process. We want to keep improving at not yelling at our family. We want to focus on our needs and our family’s needs. Everyone gets their needs met.
When we yelled at outside children, we weren’t evil. We didn’t know we had shame. We gave it to the kids. That didn’t help us or them. Now we’re learning new ways. It does not meet our life values to yell at someone. We want to pause and think: what do parts need? What does my child need? All needs can be met.
We got mad at T who hasn’t read Nonviolent Communication yet during session today. She assumed we took an action we didn’t and we acted defensively and yelled and felt shame. She asked what our insiders needed, and it was hard to figure out, and we did it—sort of. And we stopped yelling and named our feelings. T and we both liked that better.
Haha, just now we yelled at child, and wife interrupted (interrupting is encouraged in nonviolent communication) and said, “What are your needs?” We stopped and named needs. 3 minutes later we apologized to child.
This is our real life. We are trying to improve inner and outer communication one interaction at a time. We are not bragging, though we feel healthy self-pride at our efforts. We found a path that so far feels like it could help us. And we wanted you to know its name. 6/6/18
Hi T.Clark,
I just want to say something about this one statement: “We’re not telling anyone they’re wrong. If A and ME+WE and KenKen believe people can be evil, that’s no threat to us.
We choose to see hurting people with unmet needs harming others in an attempt to get their needs met. It is not going to meet their needs. And we get hurt a lot in the process. ”
I think I understand mostly what you’re saying here. I read the statement of you saying we are not wrong in believing there are evil people in this world. I get that a lot of people who are raging and/or have uncontrolled anger who *verbally* hurt others are what you talk about being people with needs. We can see that.
I (we) are talking about rapists and murderers and traffickers and truly evil people. People who practice their hate on others with evil intent, on purpose. On May 6, 2010 we were violently raped by two neighbors. They destroyed our lives. Or, what barely constituted life for us as, at the time, we had 43 years of living the consequences of other’s evil before the two evil men violently took from us what we managed to salvage for ourselves. It was hate they were practicing on us. Fully unvarnished. I was hospitalized from the damage they did to this body. And, after we got out of the hospital…we ran. They were our next-door neighbors. IDK what their needs were. Ours was to do what we could to minimize the damage of what evil people did to us as we were growing up and beyond.
I don’t think everything is black and white, all good or all bad. Some people choose evil. They choose hate and they choose to do their best to destroy others. We lived a life full of people seeing us as targets of their evil. We’ve been a pretty easy target, too. That last time around, we were sitting on our porch enjoying the mid-day with our cat, not bothering anyone. I don’t know what needs they had. Our needs were just to be left alone. To, for once, be seen as human and maybe worthy of, (if not care and/or love), then maybe just a tiny bit of simple human respect. Or they could have done what most people do and ignore us. That would have worked too. Instead they destroyed us. 8 years later, we are still trying to find a way to get our lives back to before that day. We used to work, no more. We used to have friends and go places and do things, no more. We used to think that we were worth life, we were worth the air we breathe. No more. There are evil people in this world that are not trying to get their needs met, they are trying to cause damage, to spread hate, to revel in evil. They didn’t care about our needs. Or us. They saw a victim. An easy target to spread hate and darkness. They did their best, and won. We are so afraid all the time we never leave our apartment. We don’t live or even try to. We just exist.
Yelling at your kids/spouse is not evil, we don’t think. There are evil people in this world though. We’ve met quite a few of ’em. Maybe I took what you said wrong and you didn’t mean what I thought. Maybe the difference is you talk about nonviolent communication and we talk about violent, and evil with intention, action.
On a different topic, we found out last night that our stepfather, the major abuser, is still alive. We’ve thought, for the past 10 years, he was dead. Saw a pic of him, posted a few months ago, on our nieces fb page. Serves us right to go searching for family members on fb.
Hi Kennedy,
My heart goes out to you. The violence that you endured at the hands of your neighbours was horrendous and all about power, brutality for brutalities sake and evil. I am so sorry that your world was so destroyed by those monsters. Let’s see if we cannot build it back up a bit from this point on okay? Those monsters cannot harm you any more. They are not living next door to you any more. I cannot guarantee you that there are not other monsters out there but I encourage you to not stop living because of the fear of what if. Do not let those monsters take anything more away from you. Time to take the power out of their hands and reclaim it for yourself.
I was abused (mentally and physically) for about a year when I was 20 years old. Eventually that monster raped me twice. Not the same as you Kennedy in that I did not endure the violence that you suffered. The second rape was the first time that I experienced one of my insiders although I did not know what it was I was experiencing. She kept screaming and then, when he was gone, I lay for hours feeling like I was holding on to her as she died. That whole time was lost to my memory until a flashback in a therapy session seven years later. It has not been until five years ago that I have really addressed what happened or remembered what happened (i.e., now have access to the memories of insiders who were there).
The reason that I tell you this Kennedy is to try and connect with you on yet another sad level of shared experience. I also want to thank you for bringing up this topic. I have been ashamed by what happened to me when I was 20 and have hidden it away. But, I have come to understand that folks abused as children are often the targets of physical and sexual abuse as adults. A sad cycle of violence that we have lived. I am not sure if Kathy has written anything on this topic and would be very thankful if anyone could point me to it if she has (I may just have a mental block on this one). If she has not, maybe this could be a topic for future consideration. In the meantime, I want to just give a shout out to anyone else in our community here who has found themselves a victim of abuse as an adult. You do not have to feel ashamed like I have or stay silent if you need to talk. Right here and right now I can say, you are not alone.
Thank you for your honesty and sharing of yourself Kennedy. So appreciated as always.
You friend,
ME+WE
06/09/18
Kennedy,
(**** . warning… continued talk of rape, no spoilers follow **** )
I just saw this post and a few others! How aggravating. Everyday, I look for posts, look for connection and communication. I find very little. How in the hell I missed these posts is beyond me.
I wanted to address this: “On May 6, 2010 we were violently raped by two neighbors. They destroyed our lives. Or, what barely constituted life for us as, at the time, we had 43 years of living the consequences of other’s evil before the two evil men violently took from us what we managed to salvage for ourselves.”
I’m so intensely, oh-so, can’t-find-the-right-words, sorry, this happened to you! My heart goes out to you, big-time! (A part of me wishes we lived in the same town so we could be there for one another, more fully, in person. Childish wishes.) I feel rage toward those mo-fo’s who did that to you! I’m so grateful you survived and you are here to tell about it, and are so beautiful, still, despite what they took from you!
I (my 15 year old) totally relates to your expressing that you had taken from you what you had worked so hard to salvage. I am going through much anguish with similar feelings. I feel so intensely the same about… how I managed to survive a childhood from hell and make it to the age of 15, still functional on the outside, doing well in school, surviving, (a mess on the inside), but surviving… and how do I say this? The man next door, the husband of the woman I was friends with, and babysat for their kids, the lowlife, mo-fo, can’t find enough words to describe my anger and rage for this pathetic expression of a male human being, raped me. And my life ended. That’s it. I will talk more about it, later, maybe. But here I am, 50+ years old, and am working on coming to terms with these feelings that are rising from within to be heard, and healed. I don’t know how I am going to get through this. I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. I sure hope it’s there. I have such depression about this particular rape (let alone others), because my life pretty much ended that day. This mo-fo took my life from me. It was then I began drinking alcohol and doing drugs. I never got the help I needed. My life was totally spent away from all feelings, not knowing myself, living superficially, with addict friends, all of us drinking and drugging, living life in denial, dumb and stupified, and then some, just too much to put into a few sentences.
As I’m writing this, I realize, IF I could have gotten the right help, if I had a community such as this, if I could have had a t like I have today, if, if, if, I could have had a life, I would not have had to live my life in denial and survival-mode. (Of course, I would have needed A LOT of help unpacking everything that had happened prior, all the trauma, and had to learn to express and release. I only learned to begin expressing myself and feeling, not too long ago.) Thank you, Kennedy, for sharing part of your story, and making it possible for me to share part of mine. We have a lot in common (all of us here). I am, my 15 year-old is, so grateful I am working on this now!!! It’s really hard to come to terms with the truth of how that particular rape, really ended my life as I knew it. A light went out that day.
Now, today, I am facing the depth of grief that it caused. Now, this DEPRESSION, is making it so hard to live and do daily things. BUT, I am using my tools, as I am able, and everyday, I do something good enough.
I hate to be so gushy and mushy, but I’m soooooo grateful to begin to be able to talk about this. Thank you. I’m so sorry for all the horror and evil that happened to you. AND I’m so grateful your courageous, f-ng strong as hell, beautiful self, is here to heal, share and help others!
naturluvr
6/18/18
Hi T.Clark,
So good to hear your voice here. I really like what you are saying here about the book — Nonviolent Communication _3d edition by Marshall Rosenberg – and I do agree to a point (that I will elaborate on below). First, however, I want to make a few comments about what you have said here.
First of all, I am amazed and inspired with how many books you have read helping yourself and your dedication to healing. You work so hard with your stuff and with making changes in your life to do things differently. I know that you have expressed at times that it is slow going but all I see is a whole lot of wow understanding, changes and great hard work. I just wanted to tell you that I really admire your devotion to healing and the insights that you offer us here.
Secondly, I am sorry that your parents did not step up to the plate and speak honestly with you about your childhood history. I was at my mother’s house this past weekend. I asked my sister if she remembered an incident where I was running away (important to my therapy right now). She did not really remember too much and said I should ask my mother. I did not because I knew that either she would not remember (the most likely scenario) or would offer a very distorted view of what happened. I could not stomach either one. So, good for you for trying T.Clark. In the end, we know the truth without others having to tell us so. Maybe not all of the details but those are not necessary for healing unless our insiders hold them (then we need to listen to them). I would much rather hear my insiders tell me my truth.
Now, I want to comment about the notion that unmet needs are at the root of harm or violent communication I would assume from the title of the book. By extension, you have suggested that there is no evil. Now in some ways it is not fair for me to comment on this book because I have not read it. And most likely will not. I do not read books or any lengthy materials. I have dyslexia and trauma around this that makes reading difficult. Ya I know … odd given my profession as a teacher. Hum … just outed myself on that part of me.
I do like how you are applying the principles of the book to your everyday life. I think that there is a lot for us all to learn there. Thank you for sharing this perspective. I will certainly try it for myself and for my insiders. Unpacking what needs are being unmet really changes the perspective and dialogue.
When it comes to our abusers, I cannot be as accepting. I am very aware of their unmet needs and a lot of the why they acted out as they did with me. However, they made a choice (as we all do) in how they would fulfill those unmet needs. In my mind, there is a line that they crossed in fulfilling those needs that is inexcusable and, ultimately in my mind, evil. There is no reasonable, rational or valid reason to abuse vulnerable children (or anyone for that matter). There is a difference between civilized behaviour that sometimes is dysfunctional and hurtful (not intentionally) and the acts of sick, depraved, selfish, cruel and evil predators. I have the need to rip my one abuser apart limb-by-limb but even with all of my just, unmet needs I know that that would not be appropriate. So, I cannot justify all that he did to tear me apart piece by piece because of his unmet needs that I can see and acknowledge.
Okay, just my take on it. Maybe I misunderstood.
ME+WE
06/07/18
Thanks, KenKen and ME+WE, for engaging us on this topic. We’re still working it out in our minds and in therapy.
We don’t have to agree on everything here. That’s cool. The conversation is illuminating for us.
We are heartbroken at your pain, our pain, and the pains of abused victims. How we choose to heal may take many paths. We are all worthy of love and compassion. You have ours. 6/10/18
So very well said T.Clark in so many ways. You are right. We do not have to agree with one another to have meaningful discussions here. All of the posts engage us, inform us and challenge us to think about our own journeys and how things may be seen differently. That is one of the wonderful things about this website — hearing different voices, perspectives, stories, choices, changes, information and insights.
We may be a community unified by painful pasts and a DID diagnosis but there is not a one size fits all to how we travel down our path to healing. It is nice to hear and celebrate our differences. In the end, there is only one common truth — we were innocent victims who deserve a whole lot more from life then what we were given.
You have our love, compassion and respect T.Clark.
ME+WE et.al.
Shoot can’t figure out the date
T. Clark,
Really like what you’re saying here. Wanted to let you know I ordered the book, “Nonviolent Communication, 3rd edition, by Marshall Rosenberg. Looking forward to reading it. Thank you!
naturluvr
6/18/18
Thanks for the hug Kennedy … so appreciated. I am admittedly jangled from the experience of the past week. I turn to jello with family and certain old friends. I feel like I am whisked up and spun into this tornado of feelings that leaves me numb and oh so disoriented. Then there is this constant barrage of lightening bolt triggers firing off all around me. Quite unnerving. It will take weeks to establish some equilibrium. Thank heavens I see my T (my rock) tomorrow. Hum … time to tell her again how much I appreciate her. I usually say this at the end of each session but she deserves an extra special thank you tomorrow because knowing that she would be there for me, and reading the DD website into the late hours when I was away, kept me from loosi8ng myself completely.
You are so right Kennedy … our abusers were/are bullies and cowards. I have not allowed myself to be angry about this … even after all of this therapy and work that I have been doing my lifetime. But right here and now I am telling you that I am burning deep in my gut furious that my childhood was robbed from me … and my adulthood shrouded in the shadow of abuse. I feel like I am going to throw up but I want to say that I am mad as hell that I did not get the love and support that I deserved, that I WAS ENTITLED TO DAMN IT! I did not deserve to be ignored, abandoned, shamed, rejected, shunned, made to feel unlovable or undeserving of my feelings, and continually scared and unsafe. And, I sure as hell did not deserve to have my little body assaulted, abused, defiled, scared, hurt, threatened and treated like garbage. I was a precious, beautiful, and lovable little girl that deserved a hell of a lot better than she got. And I am a precious, beautiful, and lovable woman now that deserves a hell of a lot better life than one mired in the garbage that those pitiful excuses of human beings dumped on me. Ya I am mad as hell and I am not going to continue doing their dirty work by punishing myself and living this hell. Time to get off of this trauma train.
ME+WE
06/06/18
Personally, it feels like to me… I’m doing the growing up work (on top of healing from mega- trauma) any child normally has to do through their stages of development, but for the first time, without enough support (I’m working on that, too), and about 45 years after the fact.
naturluvr
6/5/18
Naturluvr: This is all very interesting. I’m glad you can listen to your instinct and be receptive to the universe. I am touched, and very sensitive to “other” things lol. But, am also of a faith that does not have the devil as a powerful figure, so it may be less scary.
I am impressed by your progress. Thank you for sharing it in such an open manner.
A,
Thanks for your kindness. Some parts talk too much. Sometimes, we just like to talk and share and listen and read and talk. : ) I should probably look into why I feel such a great need for conversation.
Hi ALL! : )
I had an awesome session with Kathy! I was scared about it, and even nervous about spending the money, doubting myself on whether or not I needed it, and whether or not it would be a wise idea, or even necessary. Now, I have to share that it was AWWWWWWESSSSSSOMMMMME! She was AWESOME! (as I expected she would be ; ) What a BLESSING! Me and my parts, specially my parts, are just feeling so loved and cared for, more safe and validated, excited about new goals, and our new connection and trust in Kathy! THANK YOUUUUUUUUUUUU, KATHY!!!!!!
I can feel the FLOW back in my life. I’m out of the dark place I “fell” into, since last session. I am a believer you have to “get through hell to get to heaven.” (Hmmm…sounds like a song there; ) (And, I hope I don’t trigger anyone, myself included, ha-ha, with those “religious”-sounding words!)
Actually, I have learned it as the Shaman’s Journey, and it often begins with my seeing a bat, or the sign or picture of a bat. I learned, from the Indian Medicine Cards, the bat is the symbol for the Shaman’s Journey. It is a journey into darkness (1 hr, several hours or days) where we go deep, deep, and everything feels pretty dark, scary and miserable (unless I am aware/conscious and have named it ahead of time–then it’s much less sufferable), feeling lost. Then, when we come out, we are much stronger, wiser and connected. : ) Yay!!!!
May you all find your way to the light and out of the darkness!
naturluvr
6/4/18
p.s. Sorry. It embarrasses me when I and child parts go so “over the top” with my feelings. Somebody gets so happy, partially because the difference between before and after is so pronounced, and probably because of their age.
Now, some part has been triggered by a pretty insignificant situation (it, and the fact we felt so tired from working on cleaning the carpet, was enough to cause the trigger, and she feels the need to cry) There’s always something going on. I wish I had someone to talk with. –
Do you trust anybody near you? I know it’s hard.
I see a t once a week. I have not had any luck in finding anyone who likes to talk about or listen to feelings.
Naturluvr: Thank you!
I guess we can always “trust, but verify”, something I believe came from Ronald Reagan. I guess it may seem lame to some to attribute a course or action to a gut feeling, but I think that’s ok. I have a decent sense when it comes to other people, but I still try to back it up with evidence, as you said. Do you think you can sense evil?
A,
Yes. Although I may not be aware of it as evil, per se. (Evil is “live” spelled backward. So, I have taken to refer to anything evil, as backwards from living, or anti-life. I see living as feeling GOoD, GROWing, EXPANDing, enLIGHTening and LOVing. So, if it feels not good/bad, death-like/stagnant/depressing, shrinking/tightening/closing-in on me, dark/somber/worrisome, or not loving/kind/caring, I go in the other direction.
I sense it as “something doesn’t feel right here,” or “I don’t trust him” or “I get the feeling I’m being used here,” with no back-up, just a feeling. (I get back-up if I let whatever’s happening keep going.) I might get a feeling of fear, unease, dread, a creepy feeling, a sense of disgust, tightness or a wrench in my stomach, or the hairs going up on the back of my head. It might be a simple, RED FLAG–a feeling of uh-oh, stay away, been here, know this feeling, and/or alarm, ding-ding-ding. All of these are usually extremely subtle, but don’t have to be. The trick, for me, has been to trust the feeling, no matter how short-lived and vague it is.
I, once, read a great book, called “The Gift of Fear; Survival Signals That Protect Us From Violence,” by Gavin de Becker. I always remember what he teaches in it, to trust and follow our gut instinct. It’s an exciting read, a page turner, sometimes scary (true life stories), and very worthwhile. I think it should be a must read in school, at a young (but not too young) age. Caution, it may be triggering for some. It definitely made me nervous/scared/excited (not a whole lot of difference between those, sometimes). Wikipedia has a few interesting notes on the book.
naturluvr
6/4/18
A,
Oh! and… your welcome! : )
Absolutely it’s okay to “trust, but verify,” IF the situation isn’t dire, or we are will risk the consequences and pay the price. Sometimes though, we want to only TRUST AND GO WITH IT, don’t stick around to verify, because then that’s when we get burned. Then, we kick ourselves and say, “I SHOULD HAVE FOLLOWED MY INTUITION!”
We build trust in ourselves, and our parts (sometimes it is a part talking), when we GO WITH IT. When we hear the answer inside our heads, hearts, stomachs, skin, wherever on our bodies (the body is our greatest messenger), and follow what it tells us, we get better at it. And it seems to me, we get more help in the future.
I LOVE the subject of INTUITION!!! : )
I actually came home, on a non-paid LOA, because of my intuition, and am basing all my daily activities and future course of actions, on my intuition. I believe Universal Intelligence speaks to us, through us, and through EVERYTHING, EVERY-THING, constantly, 24/7. The trick is to get out of our own way, remove our resistance, so we can RECEIVE.
naturluvr <3
6/4/18
I allowed myself to be swayed by my t’s opinion to continue to have relationships with people my intuition told me, I maybe should stay away from. I’m sure she was worried I could be alone for the rest of my life, if I stay away from “dysfunctional” people, for who isn’t, to some degree? And, of course, she doesn’t have all the information I have at my avail.
I think the difference has to do with following my intuition. I’m not leaving, or staying away from a relationship because somebody has faults. It’s much deeper than that. When my intuition warns me, when red flags go up, I know I need to stay away. (Come on! I know fire burns! I know not to stick my hand in it!) How else does Source, The Universe, show us which way to go?
Birds, whales, and dolphins have sonar. Animals have instincts. Those of us within these websites (and IMHO, most people on earth) have been taught not to listen to our inner guidance system, our sonar, if you will, our INTUITION. I have been working on mine, intensely, for quite some time. And it is getting very keen! Unfortunately, I have a little bit more practice at second-guessing myself. Those of you who had parents anything like mine, know exactly what I’m talking about. (The over-culture teaches us to second-guess ourselves, too. Remember the story of the “Emperor’s New Clothes?” ; )
With DID, it’s even more easy to second-guess ourselves (and 3rd, and 4th, and 5th, etc! : )
It doesn’t cease to amaze me, how naive I am sometimes. And sometimes, my openness to giving allowances to others beliefs, including my own therapist’s, has cost me me a betrayal of my own. I’m not sorry I followed a few experiments in relationships, lately. (Afterall, I find life to be a series of experiments.) One ended very painfully, but was a good learning lesson. Remember the adage, “if it doesn’t kill you, it makes you stronger?” : ) Sometimes, this is so true! Ha!
I’ll go back to session next week with in my adult Self in charge, if I have anything to say about it. Easier said than done with DID! :p But I am getting better at remaining in charge when I find my bearings. Hell! I used to live in dissociation and take a peak, now then, into non-dissociation. Now, it’s not quite reversed, but it’s getting better.
I’ve just finished getting through this “darkness before the dawn” segment of my life! (At least, where my mother and a few relationships are concerned.) OH! I’m so grateful!
I’ve, also, been reminded how vulnerable we are to others opinions of us (and a whole lot more), when we are not in our adult Self! When we are lost. When we are taken over by parts! OMG! But I, also, went ahead, aware of the choice I was making, waiting until further evidence showed itself. And it did. Again, I’m not sorry I experimented.
Well, gotta go for now. Thank you, Kathy, for the opportunity to write here and be heard. Thank you to all, whoever reads this… specially for those who respond! I love conversations and good company! (If you only read, and don’t respond, it’s okay. No judgement. I read for a long time before I started posting.)
May you find, listen to, and follow your INTUITION!
naturluvr
6/3/18
Kathy wrote a blog titled, “What Holes are in your Healing Sidewalks?”
She posted this well-known poem:
THERE’S A HOLE IN MY SIDEWALK
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
by Portia Nelson
I. I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in
I am lost……
I am helpless
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
II. I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
but, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III. I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in….it’s a habit.
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV. I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V. I walk down another street.
I read it after posting about my mother. It was very timely! It oh-so exemplifies what I just repeated with my mother for the hundredth time. In reference to the poem, my mother is a BLACK HOLE IN MY SIDEWALK.
I had separated from her and divorced her from my life. (Remember the book, “Divorcing a Parent: Free Yourself from the Past and Live the Life You’ve Always Wanted,” by Beverly Engel? : ) It took lots and lots of work. Then, 13 years later, I let her back into my life. I guess I had not grown enough to say good-bye, completely. I still thought, some mother is better than no mother. I thought, maybe, I’m not being a good enough person. It’s not spiritual. Maybe, I can be present for her, in her last years. If I were more healthy, I could… blah, blah, blah!
I learned there are some people, family or not, that we cannot, MUST NOT, be in relationship with. Out of painful, bad habit, for misguided need for love and/or companionship, out of inability to accept the way things are–trying (and wishing) to make things different, out of caring for their feelings more than our own, out of fear of walking through the pain, grief, and emptiness, necessary to finally break through the growth barrier (similar to the sound barrier ; ), and/or a cornucopia of other reasons, we try and try again.
I always come back to Maya Angelou’s quote: “When people tell you who they are, believe them!”
Thanks, again, Kathy. For your outstanding support and information-filled site.
naturluvr
6/3/18
I have learned (and I forget! :p I hate it when I forget! but I forget a lot) that child parts take over when our adult Self* is nowhere to be found, or just isn’t in charge because parts are in control. They’re so used to being in control! They don’t like giving it up, and they don’t trust us. Parts don’t trust us to be in charge, because they have good reason, and because it’s become a habit and way of life for them. We have to show them, through learning how, through consistency and persistence, love and compassion, that we are here, that we can take charge, can be there for them, and help them to feel safe. There is some great writing about this in Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, by Richard Schwartz and Jay Earley. We have an adult that is captain of the ship, but the parts easily throw us overboard and take over the ship.
As I’m writing this, I see how much I inadvertently relinquished control (parts took over) after being triggered by Mother’s Day, my mother’s actions, and subsequently, in therapy. These child parts seem to be stronger than us– but only in practice, because they’ve played the roles for so many years. I see, now, why my t is so frustrated with me. I’ve really been “giving” too much power over to my parts.
I can see my parts wanting her to pay attention to them, for her to see that–come on–I have DID! And, I see, that she won’t give them the power and attention they’re seeking because she wants my adult Self to come forth and be empowered. Wow. (Lightbulb! 🙂 One of the parts, especially, as been in combat with her, trying to convince her how f’d-up I am and how much more I need. I don’t think it’s a manipulation. I think it’s childhood (child parts) habit pattern. But it’s a habit pattern based on proving how f’d-up I am, and how much more I need, and on what I don’t have, etc. It is a path of proving inability and inadequacy. Oh my! It’s a scream of “I need you! I need you!” And my t is telling me, showing me through action, “No. You don’t need me, at least, not as much as you think. What you need, who you need, is your adult-Self.” Brilliant. And what a humbling and harrowing experience!
I feel pummeled by my child parts. Instead of throwing me overboard, I feel like they beat the crap out of me! Maybe it’s more accurate to say, my feelings are the ones that beat me up– the sadness, grief and depression that has had a hold on me.
Here it is. I need to talk about my mother. I will start a new thread.
naturluvr
6/3/18
*I couldn’t find my book, so here’s a description from Janina Fisher ‘s, Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors (2017, p. 8), from Schwartz, 2001: “The concept of “self” and “self”-leadership refers to innate qualities possessed by all human beings in undamaged form, no matter how much abuse and trauma they have experienced.”
These qualities include the 8 C’s:
Calmness
Clarity
Compassion
Confidence
Connectedness
Courage
Creativity
Curiosity
Wow, T.Clark, talk about validation that you were right to stay away from him! I hope you feel good about yourself for having followed your self-care/nurturing/protective path. At the same time, it’s sad he couldn’t find his way. Though, I believe death is a new, beginning, and is loving thing, not what society has made it seem. I, also, believe we get to live many, many lifetimes, not just one. I believe he’s surrounded with love and doing fine.
What’s important now is how you are. Knowing someone who dies, can bring up much for us, on many different levels. I know it does for me. Now, that I’m aware of my little’s feelings, it’s harder sometimes because it scares them, and sometimes triggers them.
Be real kind to yourself and your littles. I hope you will stick around and talk about whatever you need.
I’m so glad you are alive, and here in this community. I value you, and look forward to reading everything you write.
naturluvr
6/2/18
I want to tell {{{{ ALL }}}} of you… how much my HEART goes out to each of YOU <3 <3 <3 and how GRATEFUL I feel to have found YOU'S!!!! (like they say in NY : ) (been to NY, but I'm not from NY. Just saying ; )
THANK YOU for being here!!!
naturluvr
8/1/18
Thank you to ME+WE, also. I appreciate your thoughts. I think I overdid it, though. I wish each of you peace.
Hi,
Not thinking that you overdid it from my perspective. Just speaking your truth from where you were at. In my mind, this is the safe place where we can do just that without second thoughts, fears or apologies. Wishing you peace as well.
ME+WE
06/02/18
Thank you to naturluvr and hazele. I am a bit better, maybe. No flashbacks today. What about each of you? I appreciate reminders that despite ________, we are still here. My ankle still hurts and my stomach is wrecked. But, I’m still alive, and I hadn’t been sure I would be after the throw up. I hope everyone has a good, safe weekend. Maybe choose a fun thing to do. I may swim because it is supposed to be very hot. Thank you for caring.
Hi ——–
I hope you went swimming and felt really good because of it. In answer to your question, I’m doing really well. Things are falling into place. I got lots of rewards for moving forward and doing something I had been procrastinating on, namely, the start of cleaning my carpet. It’s like it was an ice-breaker to more life coming in. Breaking through the resistance-barrier wasn’t easy, but so many other things have fallen into place since then… including the decision to have a session with Kathy. This paid off BIG-TIME! My next door neighbor is my friend, again. : ) (She had shut me out, back when.) Her grand-daughter is visiting, and I’m reaping rewards from that, because we have a lot in common and are walking together, daily. I think I’ve decided what to do about future work, and I’m excited! I love it when I get out of the dark places!
May you find your way out of your dark places!
naturluvr
6/4/18
Guys, it sounds like lots of folks are struggling. That makes us sad. We had a weird experience where we forgot where we were, and where we lived, our zip code, and car. A child came out in a public bench, and it was scary. We had to be told to walk, because we couldn’t remember. We were scared. And we forgot how to open the car door. Also we forgot how to pump gas when we drove. Scary stuff.
A happy side was out for a while, but now an angry part is out again after a few days of bliss. Fuck. This sucks. And we saw a news item that made us ugly cry. Triggers. It was about a baby whose father died in war.
My biological father abandoned us, and our stop-father abused us for years and years. 2 other abusers we know of as well. So we have lots of issues.
Hoping for a sunnier day tomorrow. Lots of music therapy in the meantime.
Hi DK,
Sure is a struggle when you go blank or switch out to a young one and you are in an adult situation. Try to hold on and find some humour in it all if all worked out. Then try and work out some protocols with your little ones so they do not switch out in unsafe places. Maybe ask one of the older insiders to watch over the littles.
I have had scary switch outs like finding myself in the car stopped in the middle of a busy road for I do not know how long … to not knowing the house entry code and setting off the alarm … to doing some silly stuff out in public like hugging all of the stuffed animals on display.
Oh … I do not watch the news. Way too depressing and triggering.
So sorry to hear about the sadness in your life. Lots of music therapy. Good strategy. Take it one day at a time and keep connected here. We are here for you.
ME+WE
06/01/18
Thank You ME+WE. You are so kind. I am recovered, but sometimes I worry I cannot be independent. I am married, but I worry how I will take care of myself if things changed. I am worried; I have trouble doing basic things. I don’t handle money, I am learning how to pump gas (some parts have forgotten), and I struggle with daily tasks. Dos anyone else have similar problems?
Hi DK,
I am learning through my mindfulness meditation practice to try and stay in the here and now. Now, that is really tricky when dealing with the past that inevitably creeps in with my insiders and my history that I have to unpack and deal with. But, I do have control over worries about the future. Tomorrow may never be what you imagine it to be today. So, let tomorrow be what it is meant to be and live today as you hoped it to be in the here and now.
You know DK, I am not trying to blow off your worries. I hear them and respect them. I am just trying to help you see that worrying about tomorrow is just adding to your burden of today things that may never come to be. You are a survivor. You have taken care of yourself in remarkable ways. You have faced far, far greater obstacles then the basic things in life. If you could find a way to deal with all that you have faced up until now, then you will most certainly find a way to deal with everyday life.
That having been said, yes everyday things can be a challenge to me and sometimes I PANIC when faced with simple things like answering the telephone. Yes, you read that right. I panic when I hear the telephone ring. It seems that everyday things are just way too much for me a lot of the time. Often I switch out and I do not know what the heck to do – like standing at the cash trying to put my pass code in for my credit card and switching out to a little one who does not know her numbers let alone the code. How about standing in my house with the alarm blaring trying to tell the alarm company who has just telephoned who I am and that I cannot remember the right number … oh … by the way, please do not call the police. That is of course when I can actually get in the house because I forget how to use keys.
I am freaked out then angry, and then really embarrassed and ashamed and want to give up … and then … well, I just have to laugh.
Hang in there DK. Let’s see how others deal with everyday life.
ME+WE
06/02/18
Hi DK,
I’m glad you have recovered. I’m sorry for what you went through. That must have been scary for you.
I am having some daily struggles of overwhelm. Sometimes (specially the days following my last 2 sessions), my brain feels like it can’t handle things. It’s like I’m a 4yo asking myself to do things an adult should be doing. The overwhelm is terrible sometimes. I have to simply do nothing, or very little, something that doesn’t take a lot of thinking. I get like if dizzy on the inside and can’t prioritize, can’t handle all the things I want to do, not even one. I end up doing whatever I can… taking the path of least resistance.
I don’t lose time. I’m usually co-conscious. But I have done a lot of crazy things. Sometimes, I can’t stop myself. The other day, after session, I stopped at my local health food store. I/parts like it there a lot. The employees are so nice, intelligent, open, unique, conscious, interesting and quirky. Most of the shoppers are really cool, too. The store is filled with great stuff. Anyway, I met a new employee I hadn’t met before. We had a lot in common. One of my parts gave her my phone number and asked her if to call, if she wanted to continue our talk, and maybe go hiking. OMG! After I left, as I’m driving, I felt awful when I realized what I had done. She’s an employee who was only being friendly. I’m a customer. My adult knows not to do that! I crossed boundaries. I was in a younger part, was feeling vulnerable, and ultra-friendly… wanting new friends. (Someone’s wanting new friends… a lot lately! After that, though, it’s fading.)
Remember our younger days, when we could say to a neighbor, or fellow school mate, “you want to come to my house and play?” That’s pretty much how I felt and what I did. How embarrassing. On the first meeting! Ha! Embarrassing! It makes me feel I can’t trust myself.
I worry about how much I might not be able to handle… like in a new job. I’m between jobs, wanting to change what I’ve been doing, so I can be home more. I worry I won’t be able to cope with new stressors, situations, people. I wonder how much new I can handle at once… and the change of schedule… just many things. I’m thinking of going back to my old job, even though it will keep me from home, JUST SO I CAN DO WHAT I KNOW… without pushing myself to find out I cannot handle more than what I’m surviving each day.
I think sometimes, maybe I need to do less therapy. Maybe therapy is triggering me too much. Maybe going back to my old job, even though I will be away from home and T, for long periods… maybe, that’s a good idea. Parts feel sad and think, “oh no, too depressing,” and hard on my body. But I don’t know.
naturluvr
6/2/18
DK,
I’d like to add, on a more positive note, that ME+WE is right. We need to not spend time worrying about the future. The future will take care of itself. We need to work on being present and mindful in the NOW. This is something I practice every single day. I spent years listening to Eckhart Tolle’s, The Power of Now, on CD, over and over, on a daily basis. It helped change my life. He says, “All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry – all forms of fear – are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms
of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence.” I love this. I think it’s brilliant.
It’s a fine line, for me, to allow child parts’ feelings, to be present with them (myself), and at the same time, to not allow myself to be completely taken over by them. Yesterday’s start at cleaning the carpet–something I had been putting off–really helped me to regain my adult power and belief in my competency and ability. (Today, I will do more : ).
Sending you Light, Power and Energy to inspire you to do something that makes you feel empowered and full of self-efficacy! : )
naturluvr
6/3/18
Trauma survivor we met in residential trauma center died “unexpectedly” said obit.
We stopped communicating with him last spring because we felt threatened by his relapse into alcohol and sex addictions. We don’t judge. We knew we couldn’t help him. We also didn’t want to get into a dangerous situation, hear about his relapses, or be with him while he was very inebriated.
He didn’t make it a year after the trauma center. We have, and we must keep going. His trauma started young—as did his alcohol; he started drinking in 1st grade—and he didn’t seem to be able to remain sober enough to even consider dissociation. Hoping he is at peace now. 5/31/18
Dear T.Clark,
So sad to hear about your fellow trauma survivor and so glad that you are still here with us. You were right to step away. Even better to keep going on. You are valued. You are needed. You are loved.
Let us all take a moment to honour our fellow victims of trauma who did not make it and to celebrate our wondrous community of folks here who help us keep going on our journey of survival.
Thank you for sharing this T.Clark.
ME+WE
06/01/18
Thanks, ME+WE. Feel like withdrawing for safety. Very hypervigilant and sensitive. Maybe take a few days off. 6/2/18
Understood T.Clark. I am a hibernator (just like your momma bear). Some times it just takes stillness and silence to settle the turbulent waters to be able to set safe sail again. Just do not get stuck there. Take our healing energy and loving thoughts with you to your cave and know that we are here for you.
ME+WE
06/02/18
Wow, T.Clark, talk about validation that you were right to stay away from him! I hope you feel good about yourself for having followed your self-care/nurturing/protective path. At the same time, it’s sad he couldn’t find his way. Though, I believe death is a new, beginning. And I believe we get to live many, many lifetimes, not just one. I believe it’s loving, too. I know he’s surrounded with love and doing fine.
What’s important now is how you are. Knowing someone who dies, can bring up so much for us, on many different levels. I know it does for me. I’ve known so many people who have died, throughout my life, young and old. Now, that I’m aware of my little’s feelings, it’s harder sometimes because it scares them, and sometimes it triggers them.
Be real kind to yourself and your littles. I hope you will stick around and talk about whatever you need.
I’m so glad you are alive, and here in this community. I’m grateful you took the higher path, and chose to stay away from addictions. I think many of us on the healing journey have given up drugs and alcohol, or if we haven’t let go, are in the process of letting it go, or using in moderation. I value you, T.Clark, and look forward to reading everything you write.
naturluvr
6/2/18
Has anyone been conscious of participating in, or know anything about “enactments?” If you have, or do, will you please share your experience and/or knowledge? Thank you!
naturluvr
5/31/18
p.s. I will try to describe as when a client and therapist participate in a type of interaction, that appears on the up and up, but is undermined by being subconscious in nature, because both are actually in past habit-pattern (probably having been triggered), and is not good. Here’s a definition I found online: “Enactment is a recently elaborated psychoanalytic notion, defined as a pattern of nonverbal interactional behavior between the two parties in a therapeutic situation, with unconscious meaning for both. It involves mutual projective identification between therapist and patient.”
Yes – although I’m not sure exactly what you are referring to.
For me, that means forms of self-harm that essentially reenact prior abuse (for me, it shows up as some parts abusing other parts by repeating what happened a long time ago).
I’ve also heard it used to refer to interpersonal patterns that recreate aspects of abusive or harmful relationships from the past. That could mean choosing partners who share a lot of the same characteristics or literally finding yourself in situations where you are being abused because you are consciously or unconsciously putting yourself into unsafe situations. This has not been my experience as much, although I do find myself falling into familiar patterns and responses with certain people – for the most part, those people have not caused me serious harm, but there are aspects of the relationship that can remind me of old relationships and for that reason they can feel like it is happening again.
HazelE,
Thank you. Sure was good of you to respond.
Yeah. Simply put, my t and a part of me were butting heads. I was dissociated, co-conscious, but not very aware of what was happening. Afterward, I realized she had been trying to get me out, to see something, to be more adult, to become less dissociated, but it didn’t work. Unfortunately, I became aware of this by her exasperated expression of saying she didn’t need to explain herself and she wasted her energy and going over the session time trying to help, without success. I “felt like” a loser walking out of there. And I couldn’t help but feel (for the 100th time) that she could have been kinder, if she was healthier, and not triggered herself. If she had better boundaries, and more experience, she could NOT have spent the time trying to fix, and things would not have gotten worse. Sometimes, I can see it and feel it… out of the kindness of her heart, she tries hard to make things better, in her way, when A PART who is unreceptive, is present. This method does not work. I need her to address this part in a different manner, at those times. (Will tell her this next time, if I remember. Need to write it down.)
Thanks for listening. That’s enough for now. Not feeling well.
naturluvr
8/1/18
I think my angry part doesn’t deal with anyone well. My husband says that she hates everyone and everything, esp. men. Why does this part have to be so difficult. She also has had run-ins with our therapist. I think we have told her to Fuck off a few times over the last year. So that’s not nice. We push those away who are trying to help. I don’t have any answers, except that I am lucky that my therapist has stuck with me.
DK,
Thank you for sharing that. I think I may be partially in my “mean” part, and maybe was in session. I don’t know. It’s possible. I know I’m not myself.
And sometimes, like when I read the posts here and I re-read what I wrote about my t, I don’t like myself. It seems like I’m not as kind as some of the people here. And then, sometimes, I’m gushing all over with love and compassion. I definitely have a part that loves everybody who’s nice, compassionate and caring. I’m having trouble feeling like I’m all over the place. My emotions are intense. It’s like I’m feeling what’s it’s like to be certain ages, and the feelings that come with it, for the first time in my life. It’s really special sometimes, but mostly lately it’s kind of awful. And even though I’m glad I found this place, I’m having to go through much fear and anxiety to just share.
naturluvr
6/2/18
Hi Naturluvr,
Oh wow. Hum … that is really an unfortunate session indeed. But, there is a lot to learn for both you and your T. Maybe you two need to establish a protocol/agreement for how to handle such situations. Like, when certain insiders are out and being combative, maybe engagement with the T is not the way to go. Perhaps, just having an understanding that, if the insider does not want to work cooperatively with the T and you then you will both cease trying to talk with them. Or, just let them rant and end the session and move on. Or something that does not add fuel to the insider’s fire.
You know, maybe your T would be willing to read some of the material here on the DD website if they are feeling uncertain about how to handle things. Also, I seem to recall reading somewhere that a few folks have hired Kathy through her consultation services to work with Ts alone or with the client as an outside expert consultant. That could be another possibility? Or maybe you would like to book a session with Kathy for yourself to explore some of these issues.
In the end, it sounds like you want to build a strong relationship with your T and that she is trying her best to help. You just may both need some guidance on how to best do this at this point.
Just some thoughts.
ME+WE
06/02/18
ME+WE,
Thank you for all your thoughts. I sure do appreciate them. (In fact, I had already reached out to Kathy, thank you. ; )
I’m so overwhelmed, specially since Mother’s Day. (Will write about that another time.)
I wanted to address a bunch of stuff you said, but I don’t have the focus or energy… or, someone’s not letting me.
I really am tired, and for good reason. Today, I managed to break through some resistance, and spent 2 hours cleaning half the living room carpet. I was down on hands and knees, scrubbing and scrubbing. A roommate that used to live with me, turned the rugs black with his dirty, restaurant-kitchen-floor, shoes. He never knew how to clean up after himself or prevent the mess to start with. I was away, as my job, kept me more away from home, than home. So, the rug was really dirty! I never had the time to clean it. He never cared, or noticed.
Being home on LOA, I am supposed to be doing a bunch of stuff I’ve never had time for, BUT I’m overwhelmed with stuff going on inside, and am not getting much accomplished. It seems most of the time, I want to be doing 4 or 5 things at once. I’m having trouble prioritizing. I’m having trouble not being taken over by parts feelings. I’m running out of time. Days are flying by!!! Today, I did a little better, BUT I’m so bogged down. And it seems, not seeing t enough, and her not thinking I need it, but I think I need it, I’m just so triggered.
Another thing I did today was prepare my palette set-up for painting (oils on canvas). I saw an artist on YouTube who had his palette set up in a way that I want to try. It’s another step in the right direction. I’m getting closer and closer to start the painting. I want very much (I say that now–I must be in the right part) to get through the resistance and get started.
I’m rolling now…maybe I can go back and write some of what I wanted to say back to you on another post.
See you there, friend. : )
naturluvr
6/2/18
I just re-read your comments naturlovr and it seems to me that if most of your parts like your T, and your T is flexible at all, and knowledgeable about DID, they would be willing to continue to work with you. I have had a lot of run-ins with the angry one and the T, but other parts will apologize once we realize what happened in session. In the meantime, do you know how to work on your coping skills? Music therapy, pet therapy, watching funny videos, eating healthy food, getting some walking/exercise in can help. I also try to do fun things like do my nails, distract and do business, garden therapy, etc. Sometimes I just have to sit and cry and let it out; but eventually these moods pass and we switch to a happier part. I have also done art therapy to piece together a “loss” chart so I could begin to unravel what my life was like; many parts don’t remember different things but doing this and journaling helped me begin to piece the puzzles of my life together. I hope that you are feeling a happier part come out to help you. All the parts help each other some way. Or they helped you survive your past. The good news is that your angry part can change and gain new knowledge. We hope with time the one the is the most angry can find healing in our system so she won’t feel the need to “jump in” every time the smallest disagreement begins and wants to protect us.
Hi DK,
Your post brought me comfort. Thank you.
I think most my parts like my t, and we will continue to work with her. I do apologize when she points out that I’ve (someone’s) been unkind. I, also, do the music therapy (only a little, mostly listening to music, but your reminder moved me to get my keyboard and put it out where I’ll use it), pet therapy (my neighbor has a relatively new puppy and I get my doggy fix there…also, I like to volunteer at a horse refuge, but haven’t been down there for 2 weeks…am feeling overwhelmed with so many things I want to do and limited time), cooking healthy homemade soups n stuff daily, and walking and doing yoga daily (though my legs are hurting : ( such a bummer, happens sometimes because of my Fibro and from forcing myself to walk when my body doesn’t want to).
I’m sorry for the losses in your life. I’m glad the puzzle pieces are coming together. It’s difficult, but better to know than not to, IMO.
Amen!… to our angry parts finding healing so they won’t jump in every time they feel the need to protect us! Here’s to their (and all our parts) growing and gaining new knowledge!
naturluvr
6/5/18
Ok. Because I got a nice, but scary email, I will say what is happening, but not who I am. Suffice it to say that I have posted before. I spent upwards of 2 consecutive days trying to connect with an online chat site to help with what was happening to me. I finally got through and freaked out, but was kind of honest. I am having relentless flashbacks, someone else puked like nobody’s business, and somehow my ankle, which wasfinally better after a month, got reopened and is a bloody mess. I want very badly to walk away. I want to hide. I am scared. Kathy, you can post this. It doesn’t matter anymore, anyway.
Hi. I’m sorry for your pain. I’m glad you came here and expressed your situation, and your fear. It is always good to reach out and not stay alone with our scary feelings. It takes courage to do so… especially if you’ve written here before, and have reservations about doing it again. I hope your ankle is better now. How is it? How’s your tummy? I hope you are caring for your body, and giving yourself a lot of compassion. I wish I could help you better.
I’ve had such a bad day, I’m only sorry I didn’t respond to you sooner. (Here I am, worrying that I scared everyone away.)
Please, keep writing and sharing. I am here. You are not alone.
naturluvr
5/31/18
p.s. Oh yeah! And flashbacks suck! They can be so overwhelming! Feel free to write. I’m here checking in pretty often today.
naturluvr
5/31518
p.p.s. I forgot! On this website, it takes awhile before anything posts, because Kathy, and staff have to check it, first! Silly me. I guess I will go for that walk I was going to take.
I don’t have any context about who you are or what you’ve said here in the past or why someone wrote you an email. BUT what you’re saying sounds really scary to deal with. I have had days or weeks where I am caught in a vortex of flashbacks and self-harm and losing time, and in those times I usually want to give up more than anything in the world. It’s so discouraging to feel like you were making progress and it is just wiped out and you don’t even understand completely what is happening.
BUT somehow I am still here, and so are you – at least, you were when you wrote this. Even experiences as intense as these won’t stay the exact same forever, so at some point things will ease up a little and it will be easier to figure out what to do next. During the times I haven’t been able to hang in there until things eased up, I went to the hospital and that… is a mixed experience, but has often been helpful (it depends a LOT on which hospital it is).
I hope you see this and know that someone heard what you are saying and knows that you are out there.
Hi,
I just want to jump in here to tell you that I really hear your pain, confusion and fear as well. Naturluvr and HazelE have offered wonderful insight and understanding so I am not sure what I can add to what they have said. I do want you to know that you are not alone … you have a community of folks here who really understand and care. Maybe we have not gone through your specific struggles but we have first hand experience with living with DID and what got us here.
Stay safe and stay connected here.
ME+WE
06/01/18
I feel terrible. I had a bad T session, feel depressed, full of grief, and someone’s angry, too. (That’s more hidden, but I noticed it when we reacted to another driver’s ignorant action on the road). It sucks to leave a session in a bad way and not be able to make things better. And then, to have to wait a lousy week! My t said we had an enactment. It’s not the first time. When I’m in my adult, I can sense them and stop them. I could not stop this one, today.
Earlier, my parts wanted to talk about things that went on with my “friends.” Feel kind of shaky with the relationships. I care about them, but the relationships are not totally comfortable. They’re all I have right now. My t didn’t want me talking about them. She wanted me to go inward. That’s very adult, but that doesn’t help my parts. Does it? In the long run, maybe, but in the short run, someone just needed to talk about them.
I’m not sure what’ s going on. I’m too triggered, right now. All I want to do is cry. It’s pretty bad when it feels like the only person that, for sure, is supposed to be on my side, isn’t–or, just that it doesn’t feel like she was there for me the way I needed.
And, parts are crying because our time is over and we won’t see her again for what seems like forever. We can’t make things better, and we can’t do anymore therapy, to learn and grow. And other parts are angry, because it feels dysfunctional, like childhood, wanting to see a person that we had a bad time with. It feels like when I was little (and still happens, of course, with DID) and I wanted to see and be with my mom, but my mom was one of my perps. I’m not saying my t is a perp, just that we didn’t get along today, for at least half the session, and someone’s not happy about that and actually feels angry.
I feel extra lonely. I often feel more sad and lonely after leaving T. But I feel even more sad and lonely when we don’t connect. : (
naturluvr
5/30/18
naturluvr, sorry T session sucked. Want to talk about friends stuff with this community? Def can talk about T here, too.
Connecting childhood desire to see someone who’s mistreated you to now with your T sounds perceptive. Could someone inside want trouble with T to recreate that childhood experience?
One of our 3 Ts asked if we’re rebelling against our oldest (in age) T because we never pushed back against our mother (the mother was too lenient: explicitly encouraged substance experimentation and “safe” promiscuity because she was a shut-in). Still thinking about that one weeks later.
Ts say the darndest things sometimes 😂. Hope your week has more to offer.
T. Clark ,
Thank you so much. Yes. I want to talk about friends stuff, and my t, and my mother. {{{T. Clark}}} virtual hugs, if okay. I’m feel a little bit sick now. Will write soon, maybe tomorrow.
HI Naturluvr,
I just read your posting here. Oh my … I am so sorry that your session was so difficult. I hear that. I am sure that lots of folks here know what you are talking about (T.Clark offered some great insight). There are times when I walk out of therapy feeling like my T has crashed the world down around me, or did not hear/see me or it was a big waste of time or she hates me or … well, just a lot of negative talk. And often that is what it is … a whole lot of internal negative thought.
For me, I have come to recognize the internal struggle and that I do not know who was triggered, how they were triggered or often what even went on in session. I have full trust and confidence in the my T even when some of my insiders want me to believe otherwise.
I have come to accept coming out of session in a confused/pained/upset state as a gift. It means that I have uncovered an important piece of my story. Sometimes that comes as a result of a transference type interaction/interpretation of what happened with my T. Because I trust her so much, my insiders act out in many different ways to challenge her, put on her the old messages put on me by others, to hear in what she says to me messages from the past not messages from the present that she is saying to me, assuming that she is out to hurt me because, after all, everyone is/has, etc. In other words, acting out with my T all of the dysfunctional and painful relationships that have shaped my past. I do not know if this is what “enactment” is but maybe that is what your T was talking about but you will have an opportunity to ask her.
Oh … and I hate the big wait between my weekly sessions. I count the days and my little ones count the big sleeps between sessions. My preference would be to see my T all day every day. But, I have come to appreciate that there is great value in the wait between sessions. It allows me to “marinade” in the understanding that I received in the session. As I do, the richness of this understanding seeps through and different dimensions bubble to the surface.
Take it one day at a time Naturluvr, stay connected here and maybe write down all of the questions that you have for your T to take with you to next week’s session.
My positive thoughts and energy are sent your way. Take good care of yourself. Do something nice and soothing for yourself.
ME+WE
06/01/18
ME + WE,
Thank you so much! What you wrote was so helpful. I’ve read it all 3 times and will read it again. Virtual hugs to you, if okay, “ME + WE.”
Many of you mean so much to me already. I missed you!
It’s been really hard carrying so much all by myself, since the session on Wednesday. And one of my coping methods was to go out and walk in new places. It’s all taken a toll. I’ve got some serious issues going on with some very young parts.
I feel very fortunate my neighbor invited me over to share a movie on her cable TV tonight. I’ve been so lonely. I’ve just come from there. As the movie ended, I felt my body temp going up.
Thank you for showing up for me. I can’t tell you how much it means to me. Younger parts will sleep better knowing you are here. We were scared when we didn’t see you.
Good night for now.
naturluvr
8/1/18
naturluvr
8/1/18
Hi Naturluvr,
I am glad that you had time with your neighbour last night and that you have some coping tools (in your basket of safety nets) and that you used them (i.e. walking). The last part especially. No use having tools if you do not use them.
Staying grounded when you are going through the chaos and turmoil of getting to know the folks in your system and their stories is … well … honestly … awful. But you know what, not nearly as awful as the first time around because now you are older and wiser (and have adult understanding of what happened), you have an inside system of remarkable parts of self that have helped you survive (even though they may be misguided in what they say and do) AND you have a great community here to lean on, talk to and find support.
How truly blessed we are to have the incredible wisdom of Kathy. She has given her heart and soul to helping bring us compassionate, clear, solid and honest information about DID. And now we have Laura and Clair on the team to help us as well. Well, that is the whipped cream and cherry on top of this Kathy sundae (ya … I do have an obsession with ice cream … hahahaha). Can you believe that? These folks … these singletons … really know what we are trying to cope with and are trying to help. Just as you start to think about all of the folks in your life who tried to take away from you (and hurt you), think about these folks who have so generously offered to give back (and help you). And they don’t even know us or expect anything back from us in return. They just want to help us. WOW!!! They truly are my heroes and roll models for kindness, selflessness and the good in humanity!
You are not alone no matter how lonely you may feel Naturluvr. Your DID community is always here for you. I am sincerely dedicated to my friends here and will always try to be here too. You know, I feel a great debt of gratitude to Kathy for offering this space and for her words of wisdom that saved me and saw me through some horrible darkness in the early days of my journey. If I can help her and my friends here in any way that I can, I am happy to do so. And, I do sincerely care for my friends here. I think that collectively we are amazing and together can turn our lives around to healing, hope and happiness. It really is teamwork in so many different dimensions for us all.
I am truly honoured and thankful to have you on the team Naturluvr and to call you my friend. Oh … and I love hugs! ☺
ME+WE
06/02/18
Thank you, ME+WE — 🇨🇦 🍁 🙋
Such beautiful sentiments, and seriously…. thank you.
As my momma taught me…. it’s important to help one another. And while I’ve had some hairy scary challenging and yucky times as an adult, I was very very fortunate to have a pretty good childhood, (not perfect, but very solid, with very reliable parents). They gave me many skills and abilities that MUST be shared. It would be flat out wrong if I didn’t pass along what was shared with me.
I believe we each have ways that we can make the world better. Many people don’t choose that route (those darn nasties!!!), so the rest of us who have the strength and ability to make things better, we gotta step up and maybe even do some overtime.
And if I get up on my “moral high horse” — I get really pissy at those predators and pedophiles, and I just don’t want those jerk faces to “win” by destroying beautiful people’s lives. So…. that’s an horrifically unfair evil ordeal that I can help correct, even with one precious soul at a time.
And as I say in my email newsletters….. “that’s my piece of the world’s puzzle”. 🙂 👣 👣 👣 👣 👣 😁
But seriously, I appreciate your words of support and encouragement. You are helping my heart stay strong.
Warmly,
Kathy
Love your “moral high horse” soapbox shout out Kathy. You are so right. We cannot let the jerk faces win! And we won’t because we have found this place and we have found our collective strength. We hear our voices, often for the first time, and we are learning to shout. To shout out our silenced truth, our heart stories, our scarred pasts and our longing for better tomorrow. We are the league of forgotten souls who are rising up to be seen and heard and respected. Ya, ya, ya … we have super powers friends because we have the truth on our side. And, most importantly, we have one another. The evil thieves of innocence might have been strong enough to try and crush our little selves but they have no power over the brilliant, strong and courageous multi-magnificent beings we are now. And together we are invincible because we will be strong when one of us is feeling weak; we will shout out when one of us feels that they have lost their voice; we will tend to each others wounds so that they do not fester and spread; we will help each other craft tools to battle the inner demons planted there by the evil ones; we will put up our shields to shelter our comrades from the spears and arrows thrust their way by life; we will feed the hungry hearts and souls of each one of us left to starve for the sustinence of love and compassion; we will lift up those who fall along the way; we will slay the evil thoughts that pray on the minds of our comrades; and we will light the fires of hope in the bellies of all who seek to join our fellowship. We are so much more than what the evil ones made us believe that we were. We know the truth of their lies now. We do not have to let them hurt us any more.
Hum … okay my soap box moment … thanks for indulging me!
ME+ WE
06/03/18
ME+WE,
I want to talk about your response to me. It was so right on and what I needed to hear.
“There are times when I walk out of therapy feeling like my T has crashed the world down around me, or did not hear/see me or it was a big waste of time or she hates me or … well, just a lot of negative talk. And often that is what it is … a whole lot of internal negative thought.”
It makes such a difference to hear someone of your caliber (so positive, for one), say these things. It makes me feel more okay and normal. And OMG!, not alone, with my struggles, and heard and validated, for the first time in a long time (now since coming here).
“For me, I have come to recognize the internal struggle and that I do not know who was triggered, how they were triggered or often what even went on in session. I have full trust and confidence in the my T even when some of my insiders want me to believe otherwise.”
Not knowing who was triggered, how, or what the heck even happened in session. Yep! Oh my. I’m sorry that happens for you, but I’m glad you are here and understand and share and validate! How fortunate you are that you have full trust and confidence in your T. And it comforts me to hear that you have parts, also, that want you to believe otherwise. I’ve had a part that made me leave my t, soon after first meeting her. Then, another time, sort of recently, BUT, instead of talking to my part, and understanding about parts, she said, “it was YOU, _____.” YOU did it. YOU called and asked another t, blah, blah, blah. I didn’t feel it was a part that trusted her and wanted to stay with her.
It’s very scary for me, now more than ever, because parts are triggered over my mother (will write about this on another post, and I would like feedback from all), and that’s bad enough, but parts are triggered because my t isn’t talking to them, not noticing them, not receiving what they need from her. I really don’t know what the right language is. I don’t even know how to explain myself. I’m afraid, I have the wrong therapist! I have parts that have questioned her from the start.
“I have come to accept coming out of session in a confused/pained/upset state as a gift. It means that I have uncovered an important piece of my story.”
Wow! What an inspiration you are! I can’t wait to have that attitude! I feel so wimpy. I’m just not handling things with the strength and courage I used to have. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I have a very deep depression and feeling of wanting to cry, almost, whenever I get still enough. (Last night, I had what seemed to be… a child part telling me more about Mother-abuse. It was really, hard to believe, and I know to trust my parts. It’s just that I’m not sure I was receiving the information correctly. Time will tell.)
“Oh … and I hate the big wait between my weekly sessions. I count the days and my little ones count the big sleeps between sessions.”
Oh my! I feel the same. But I feel so terribly small and inadequate because of this! IT’S SO HARD! My t doesn’t have much tolerance for littles, OR my struggle between sessions. She told me, in the beginning, to not call her if I was in a child state. That was one of the reasons I went looking for another t, because I want a t that I can call when I’m scared and little, IF I’m freaking out.
“My preference would be to see my T all day every day.”
LOL! Ha-ha-ha! I love it! Thank you for being so honest in all of this!
“But, I have come to appreciate that there is great value in the wait between sessions. It allows me to “marinade” in the understanding that I received in the session. As I do, the richness of this understanding seeps through and different dimensions bubble to the surface.”
Yeah. When it comes to letting stuff seep in, and time for understanding… I understand and can appreciate it, too. BUT when it comes to leaving a session in a bad way, triggered, and having to deal with the confusion all by myself… I really have a hard time with this. I was alone in my childhood and most of my life. Don’t want to be alone now! I, also, have a hard time with knowing she doesn’t have the availability to see me, even if I’m willing to pay her. She’s got a full schedule. It’s a very humbling experience to know my t does’t have the time for me, when my mother, also, never had the time for me, because she had too many children. Too many children! Too many clients! : P Makes my angry part, angry. And then, I give myself compassion and just feel sad about it.
Oh-oh. Feeling a little bit feverish again. I think it might be a child part from a Mother-abuse. I think the little one is percolating in the…trying to let me know about it… the thing that happens when I start learning about the trauma in me. I need to let her know she’s safe now, and not there anymore. I did that last night. It’s not helping with the deep depression. (I’m only learning about it, deeper, now. It’s not something I’ve dealt with yet.) I get the feeling I got to get it out of my body… breathe it out… live it out… express it… release it. I’ve never been able to release it any other way. What’s been your experience with this, ME+WE? (What about ALL of you? What’s YOUR experience?)
Thank you, ME+WE, my new friend. Good night, or good morning… depending on what part of the world your in.
naturluvr
6/2/18
(I noticed today, I wrote the wrong dates on some of yesterday’s posts! : o :p
Hi Naturluvr,
WOW … lots for me to respond to here. All good. You are learning and growing and with all of that healing. I have to go off to a busy (and stressful) day with family but will write back when I can. For now please know that you are not alone. You have a great community behind you all the way.
Your humble friend,
ME+WE
06/03/18
ME+WE,
I hope your stressful day with family went better than you expected, and thank you for writing just enough to remind me I am not alone. That is such a gift! I don’t mean to be overwhelming. I just feel the need to talk and share a lot. Maybe, I could cut back? I have a lot of loneliness because of losing/separating from (loosing) friends and family, and because of the job I’ve worked for the past 6-7 years (not conducive to connecting and building relationships).
naturluvr <3
6/4/18
naturluvr,
I admire your courage to talk openly in this venue. I find that I am drawn to read, re-read, research, and find comfort in this website.
I can relate to your feelings about having a mother that had “too many” children. I am #8 in birth order. I have 7 brothers and 6 sisters, we are all full siblings.
It has taken me many years to conclude that the relationship with my mother was and will never be what I want or deserve. In addition to that conclusion (through some very difficult lessons), NO external person, ESPECIALLY a T, will ever be the mother I need or deserve. I have found that the best “mothering” comes from within my system.
I have cut most ties with my family of origin, because they tend to be very triggering and sometimes abusive. We share a trauma-bond and that is very hard to break because that bond was crucial to survival in early years. I have not spoken a word to my mother since my father passed away last September. When I am in grief over these losses, I feel so very alone, profoundly sad, and depressed.
I have found that I have a choice to stay in the “alone” feelings and sensations. If I choose to stay “alone” and I am not surrounded by external support, it triggers my abandoned parts, impulsivity, amnesia, and unhealthy/harmful behaviors.
If I choose to focus on “I am not alone”, I tend to maintain memory and make healthy recovery strides. In my adult life, I have created external support that is willing to listen, help, and encourage in ways that they can, when they can. My external support is not perfect. For myself, I am only ever truly alone by choice.
For my system, it is easier to take the “alone” route because that is how my brain was wired early in life. To be healthier in my adult life, I do my best to disrupt that neuropathway because it can lead to unsafe behaviors.
Thank you for sharing so openly and giving me more food for thought.
Sincerely,
Sarah D.
6/4/18
Hi Sarah,
I love your name, and your sharing. I just found this post (and another) and didn’t know it/they was/were here. Parts were feeling lonely and like we were practically the only one’s writing.
“I admire your courage to talk openly in this venue. I find that I am drawn to read, re-read, research, and find comfort in this website.” Thank you, it’s very kind of you to say. I guess I’m thinking there is nobody who knows me who’d be reading here. If they do, and figure out it’s me, I think I really don’t care. Also, I am comforted by your sharing that you spend lots of time reading here. It makes me feel closer to you, even though we don’t know one another… it makes me feel less alone.
You are right and it’s important to get the best mothering from within. It’s wonderful you can do that. I am working on it. I started smoking cigarettes at 9 years old and drinking at 12. I used nicotine, alcohol and other substances, and was in pretty deep denial until I was 36 years old. (I began reading self-help books in my teens, but the positive effect was mostly on a cognitive level and not really life-changing because of my addictions.) I think that because of my lengthy addiction to drugs and alcohol, I lost lots of time that could have been spent learning and growing. I find so many of you here, and in the healing process, in general, are often more mature inside than I am. I’m a late bloomer.
I really like what you have to say about choosing to focus on feeling alone, or not feeling alone. I really, really, need to work on that. Makes me want to cry– I’m feeling little ones, right now. My adult, or some part of me, used to have what seemed like profound knowledge that if I was feeling lonely, it was because I was not being present for some part of me… that I was lonely inside… and no looking outside would ultimately fill the need (maybe temporarily). I got really good at tending to that, for awhile. Lately, I’m beginning to connect with feelings and inside parts in a way I never have before, it seems I’m dissociating more. The feelings and parts are taking over, and I’m losing control. I feel dissociated as I write this. :p
What does this part need? I wish I could hear some answers.
How can I help myself?
I am ALL FOR building new neuropathways! : )
Keep up the great work, Sarah D.!
Your new friend,
naturluvr
6/4/18
Hi Folks,
My recipe for life with DID (organic, heart healthy and spiced to taste) …
Start with an open heart ready to receive a heaping cup of courage, a bunch of understanding (diced and sprinkled throughout), a hand full of silly beans (or two according to your taste for fun), and a healthy dash of willingness. Put all of your strength of body, mind and spirit into mixing it all together, then cover it generously with love and bake it in the warmth of compassion.
Congratulations … you have just made yourself a new beginning.
ME+WE
05/29/18
ME+WE,
That is very creative! : )
Hi Me+we
That was a good recipe. I just wish I knew were to get all the ingredients. Maybe if I could find them, I could make my on Tear Soup. [ a book on healing after a loss by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck Deklyen ] that would give Baby a little vacation.
Baby is the one that cry’s when one of us is overwhelmed. I prefer to act out .with self-harm. For awhile its kind of been a mystery to why I self-harm. When I cant feel it. Lori and Jessie feel the physical pain. When doing some self awareness. I could only come up with, I must want others to know I’m stressed to the max. My role is to be carefree and give and tell people what they want to hear. so for me to show any emotion outwards is not something i know how to do. although i have been working on showing some emotion with my therapist . She has showed me it is mostly safe to tell her how I feel. That it is okay to disagree with her.
5/31/18
Hi Sissy,
If you look around inside, I think that maybe you will find all of the ingredients that you need. I sure see a lot of courage, understanding and willingness in what you have written here. And, a whole bunch of love and compassion in how you are concerned about the others in your system. Hum … maybe we just need to help you find some silly beans but that is certainly doable. It sounds like you are working really, really hard to understand your role and why you do the things that you do and how you can relate to the other system folks. WOW … you are awesome in my books!
Thank you for sharing with me Sissy. So nice to talk with you.
ME+WE
06/01/18
We went bird watching with one of our children this weekend. Saw lots of cool birds—highlighted by bobolink, sedge wren (we miss Wren), and black tern—and a porcupine, a coyote, and a black bear!!! Raven and Crow were the last birds of the day. We love them.
Two mallards and a female turkey have been hanging out in our backyard today. It was hot!!
Nature is one of our only solaces. Thanks for all the cool sightings. 5/28/18
Hey hey hey!!! I have a bird site to share with y’all bird watchers!!
BIRDoculars.com
I know this person, AND there is a brand new nest of baby birds who were just born a few days ago in their backyard. The writer, Jeff, has taken a few pictures and he is writing up the story he sees as he watches the little bird family tend to each other.
If you scroll down the page a bit, you’ll see some pictures under “My Birds”. I don’t think the matching article is up for view yet, but you can see the nest and the eggs before the babies were born.
SO cool !!! 🐣🐣🐣🐣🐣
Hi Kathy!
Thank you for the cool, Birdoculars, website!
Last night, I clicked under Brome Squirrel Buster feeders, under “How to Feed the Squirrels.” The Squirrel Buster Plus had a video that we found fun to watch (beautiful, close-ups of birds eating from the feeders), and very funny, too (Squirrel Busters). It was great to laugh like that, right before sleep, after a long, hard, day. If I don’t read another article at that website (but I will), it was worth it, just for those laughs!
Thank you for your thoughtfulness!
Oh wow … so cool indeed Kathy. Thank you for sharing this link!
Our baby cardinals have departed. Did not take them long to grow up. Mom cardinal made some artistic adjustments before she was done – tore the bow off of the wreath and left a big calling card on the window. ☺
So great to see all of the birds back. We were buzzed by a flock of turkeys flying over the road in the countryside (on our way to therapy – I will have to look up the significance of that … hahaha). Have also seen an oriole, lots of red wing blackbirds, common starlings (that I actually like), chickadees, mute swans, common terns, blue herons, osprey (they are recovering after a few disastrous years) and ya tons and tons of Canada Geese.
So wonderful to share this space with all of Earth’s creatures!
ME+WE
05/29/18 🐣🐣🐣🐣🐣
The eggs look cool (and make us hungry for eggs). 😂 🍳
Hey, hey, all Bird Watchers!
The first part of the baby bird story about a little tufted titmouse family is on BirdOculars . It’s up and ready.
Part 2 will be up soon, I’m sure, so dig in and enjoy the story.
Oh — and while I’m on the topic of birds….. let me share the list of birds I’ve been seeing around my area lately:
A million rainbow lorikeets, magpies, galahs, pale headed rosellas, pelicans (a dozen pelicans in a straight row, one behind the other, flew by my place today), curlews, ibis, masked plovers, noisy minors, sea eagles, ducks, butcher birds, and probably lots more that I haven’t identified yet. It’s a very birdy place here. 🙂
Anyway, I hope you enjoy the Birdocular story about baby birds — and a video too.
Warmly,
Kathy
Oops! Kennedy,
I’m so sorry. At first, I thought you were male. There was a male person who wrote some time ago, earlier on this site, asking if this was only a place for women. I think, I thought that was you.
Since a read A LOT this weekend, on all of you, all the way through, and spent quite some time bonding with you (not just Kennedy, but all of you) and all the while thinking you were male, it might take me/parts a little time to switch it in my brain.
Again. I apologize. I hope it doesn’t offend you.
naturluvr
5/28/18
LOLZZZ!
It’s all good Naturluvr!
We have many male insiders. Our name probably confuses ppl too.
Thanks for your thoughtful responses to everyone.
Welcome to the party!
💕 Thank you! ☺
BTW… since I noticed this was for light stuff too…
I made the best pot of vegetable soup I ever made. It was funny because after I made my pot of soup, I found Kathy talked about making vegetable soup somewhere in her Saddest Little Bear Dissoci-Action packed story. Interesting, how we attract similar things at the same time.) It was my first time making, just veggie, soup. I’ve made soup all my adult life.
I never liked veggies when I was little. Only corn of the cob. That’s it. Some part started working on getting me to like them, a little at a time, after I left home and was on my own, trying new ways to eat them. (My mother, basically, only served frozen, except for salads.) And not all of them. Ucchh! Just one here and there, as I had the impulse. For instance, I found I love fresh Spinach salad! Cooked spinach used to be my very worst enemy! Yuch! : p Now, I can eat cooked spinach, if it is fresh and cooked just right (a way I can like it).
I made organic, fresh, lentil soup, too! It turned out outstanding! Going to make it again as soon as I get back to the health food store and get more lentils. I got the idea of what to throw in with them from a recipe. I threw in some chopped sausage links, actually were chicken & apple sausage links, from Applegate (humanely-raised animals on family farms), along with onions, carrots, maybe a few red peppers. I hope I remember what else when I go to make it.
Anybody feel like sharing about their favorite soups? I use a pressure cooker so it’s fast and easy. : )
naturluvr
5/28/18
Hi Naturluvr,
WOW … what an awesome collection of posts here. You have jumped in with such wonderful wisdom, grace, compassion and fun. We are super lucky to have you a part of our community. I so look forward to many more posts and exchanges here on the DD website. It is so exciting to have new voices here.
Oh, just wanted to comment on a couple of things you said. You know, I struggle with the gender of folks here too (ME the host is female although my system WE has 2 boys). Not that it matters (i.e., gender is not an issue here) it is just I go a bit crazy trying to be gender-neutral in my responses sometimes. So, if I mess that up with anyone, please forgive me. Oh, and then we have insiders (alters) who post here too and they can be other genders, life forms, animals … DID can sure be a challenge. Hum … but that can be something to add to our list of positives about DID – gender is not an issue with us because we are all kinds of gender identities.
Yikes … you brought back a memory for me with the cooked spinach hahahaha. My horror meal as a kid was cooked spinach and liver. Thank heavens we had a cat and I was patient enough to sit at the dining room table after everyone else had left. Just saying that the cat loved liver night and ketchup can cover up any taste including spinach if you put enough on it.
As soon as you started to talk about vegetable soup I thought about Kathy’s veggie ssssoooouuuuupppppp with the Saddest Little Bear. I really think that there is a psychic link with the universal energy of our community. I love all kinds of soup but lentil is a favourite.
I usually make “garbage” soup – basically organic broth and anything leftover in the fridge. In the winter, I will make it on the weekend and then it grows over the week as new leftovers get turfed in. Not systematic or recipe-worthy but usually good (ok … there have been a few mismatches). Oh, and my different insiders like different soups. That can make for some interesting “garbage” soup creations sometimes depending on who is out when in the cooking process. ☺
Your new friend who would always share anything chocolate with you!
ME+WE
05/28/2018
ME+WE,
You are sooo kind! Thank YOU! I just love reading your posts. You are my role model on answering others posts, filled with so much heart, thoughtfulness, kindness and compassion! You are AWESOME! I get so afraid a part, who likes to teach, is going to go into action. (Please, anyone who reads this, forgive her! And tell me/her. Point it out if it’s upsetting. Thank you! I am working on trying not to [let her] teach so much.)
You made me laugh, about the spinach. I have a lot of food stories to tell.
(I kept out the sad and painful ones, for now.) Next to cooked spinach, no wait, BEFORE cooked spinach, my other horror food was, also, liver! Yuchhh! We have a lot in common. And I love birds, and Carole King, James Taylor, and other stuff you wrote, in the past.
Your “garbage” soup sounds great! : ) I do the same when I clean out the freezer, now and then. I never thought of giving it a name. I like that you did. I would have to change the name, because every time I hear the word “garbage,” my stomach turns. Maybe I can call it “collage” soup, “leftover’s” soup, or “this n that” soup. Hmmm. We’ll have to think about it. Also, my soups turn out well, too, when I throw things together, but not always. It’s always dangerous when child parts cook. : p : )
naturluvr
5/30/18
OK. One sad food story.
Hi Naturluvr,
You are too kind. Thank you for the lovely words of acknowledgment. Usually I feel like everyone probably groans when they see another posting from me. hahahaha
Well, I am a teacher (well, just forced into early retirement). There are some other teachers here as well. So, teachers are welcome! ☺
I have said it before but this gives me a good opportunity to say it again. I always think that it is best that, if someone says something here on the DD website that you do not understand or maybe have taken offense to, ask the person to clarify themselves. Often it is just a misunderstanding in how things were expressed or how they were read or both.
Hum … good point about my name for my soup … it does not instill a positive reaction. Maybe something more like luscious (because it can be) leftover (because that is what I use) living (because it just keeps growing) soup … hahaha.
ME+WE
06/01/18
There’s not enough ketchup on the planet for liver. Ew. Ick. Yuck. 🤢😱🤒🤢
Homemade soup sounds so good right now. You made us laugh about the anti-veggie stance you had. Good to hear yous are working your way through. We cannot stand, and I mean, we cannot stand brussel sprouts. OMG 🤢
I like bean with bacon,
chicken and stars is good 😍
i like potato🥔
Seven likes chicken noodle so she can slurp up the noodles 😜
Nobody likes tomato 🍅
this is fun
Kennedy,
LOL! Love your sharing! : )
(BTW, I saw your sharing of the site with the emoji’s. I’m afraid of virus n stuff. Is it safe to use it?)
I have grown to LOVE brussel sprouts. I’m telling you, anything green and leafy (except lettuce), used to be on my YUCCHHH!-list. : )
I read that children have a biological predispostion for disliking broccoli, mushrooms, and dark green leafy veggies. Some kind of species survival mechanism for not picking up any of it, off the ground, in the forest/jungle, eating the wrong stuff, and dying. I thought that was interesting.
naturluvr
5/30/18
Low-sodium chicken stock, red or golden potatoes cubed, chopped celery, carrots sliced short way (into little discs), mushrooms, rice, add leftover rotisserie chicken. Mmm 5/28/18
T. Clark,
Yes! Yummy for the tummy! : )
Rocio Caro,
I’m sorry you’re feeling angry and hurt right now, by what others are doing and/or saying. See if you can turn inward, and give you and, specially, your parts what THEY need right now. To hell with those other ignorant peeps. There’s too many of them, anyway. I don’t want you giving them so much power over your feelings. And, please remind me of this when it happens to me. : ) Thank you!
naturluvr
5/28/18
Hey! blabbermouth!
I’m so glad there wasn’t a delete button! (I sure know what that feels like, to wish there was one! : ) Tell your protector part it’s totally okay. Not only is it okay, I’m so GLAD you share what you shared. It was awesome! It was like a major turning point! A part out of a movie (life is where movies come from)! YOU were awesome! GREAT job listening to your inner guidance/intuition!
As for your temporarily shame-filled, embarrassed, protector parts… I send compassion and high-fives, for having been so strong in helping you survive your childhood! To them I say it’s okay to let Kennedy take more charge. He’s got what it takes to take care of all of you, if you’ll let him. You don’t really have to lose your powerful place in him, just change your job descriptions. ; )
naturluvr
5/28/18
awww. ty❤️
Dear HazelE,
What your you and your parts are feeling is so normal! I feel for you. I have parts that go crazy (crying, depression, fear, hopelessness, etc) just because they’re leaving my T’s office and not going to see her for another week. T’s vacation time can be so much more difficult on parts.
It sounds like you are trying to be there for them. At the same time, it also sounds like you are being very hard on yourself… and by default, on them. Can you maybe bring in more compassion, for yourself and them? What you are going through is a very difficult, and I surely feel compassion for you. My heart just goes out to you and yours.
Here with hot chocolate and chocolate cake, with chocolate frosting : ) Ha. Or whatever tickles your fancy!
naturluvr
5/28/18
GIVING UP HOPE (a.k.a. Depression)
Thank you, for sharing. I can appreciate your writing and expression. It is depressingly, beautiful. It is always better to express than suppress. I have a very depressed part. When she takes over, I feel overwhelmed with misery and hopeless. It’s been one of my greatest challenges in the last 6 months. I can truly relate.
Please, when you feel up to it, share more.
Thank you,
naturluvr
5/28/18
KENNEDY… I thank the Universe, your higherSelf, your intuition and courage that you did not get any further down the road with your misguided (though understandable) plans! You are too valuable, AND (speaking selfishly) we need you here.
I feel grateful to see that despite some part in you that carries much grief and weight on his/her shoulders, the level of growth which you have reached had MORE power to override and attract that which you most needed, and was the most loving thing for you! YAY! Congratulations! : )
naturluvr
5/28/18
I love this. Thank you.
Me+We, Kennedy & DK, thank you for the warm welcome! You are 3 of my favorites! <3 Exemplifying kindness, courage, positiveness, intelligence, vulnerability, persistence, and determination! So many others, too, too many to mention. Thank you all for being here and sharing. I have finally attracted a community in which I fit. I've been looking for a long time. Also, Kennedy and DK, you made me LOL!
I did finish all the reading. Whew! It was a task, but it was well worth it, as I've come to know you all pretty well, at least with what you have shared. I grow fond of people, very quickly, who show such kindness and courage (the most important of all says, Maya Angelou, for without courage, none of the others can truly exist… like integrity, love, hope, faith, etc.) as you all show.
Of course, anyone who writes here is courageous, because they have some form of Dissociative Disorder, number one, which says a lot of about a person in the most amazing, positive ways, including courage, persistence, determination, creativeness… oh heck!…too many qualities to list! Number two, it takes courage to put one's thoughts and feelings out for others to see.
About me… I've been up and down, round and round, back and forth, here and there. All in a day's work with DID, right? : ) LOL! I woke this morning in a VERY depressed part. My-oh-my! She's miserable. Just wants to cry all the time. Thank God, I moved into a better place! She will get her feelings heard and I am working on all of it, all of us. But I can't stay there, it makes me lethargic, totally depressed, and unable to do anything. I am in therapy. It's been sooooooooooooo hard!
I just learned about parts within the last 2 years, with my new T. In the past, I had done therapy 10+ years, but no other therapist ever knew about parts. I learned it from this one. I can't continue to discuss my past T experience because it triggers anger. Later, I'll share more. I'm sure.
I'm home on a LOA, because my job is exhausting, but mostly, because it keeps me away from home. Me and my parts wanted nothing more than to just be home, and not be away. Since I've been gone so many years without hardly any time at home, I've felt like a gypsy (which I like, some), without roots, and home stuff and projects are wayyy behind. More on this later. Also, I/parts have been wanting to pursue hobbies, namely, oil painting. I've been working on getting set up to do that. But. There are parts, is a part, that's keeping me from starting.
In a nutshell, I left my job because I had been feeling lonely and unhappy, for some time, and because I could, temporarily, afford to do so (even if it is all the money I have–that I can see and touch that is! I affirm I have unlimited abundance because Source is unlimited!). I wanted and needed to find more joy in my life, to take time to follow what Spirit wanted me to do, what is highest and best for me, and to give to my kids–more of what they want and need to feel loved and happy.
I have so much to say, but it will have to wait, because I don't want to have to change my name to "Blabbermouth II." LOL!
naturluvr
5/28/18
I spent 4 hours last night waiting to chat with an online counselor related to trauma. This was because I was so close to something I probably shouldn’t do after a lot of flashbacks. So, I was “next in line” for well over an hour and finally gave up at 12:30 in the morning. So, today I did it. Of course it’s not enough. I’m not upset I never got through, but I wonder what happens to people who go to that site to get help because they want to die.
Hi Naturluvr,
So great to hear you here. Oh my … don’t worry about reading everything. Just read Kathy’s blogs that have the kinds of information that you are needing right now (there is a ton of information on this website) and read the current comments. Then you can look at other comments as you go. Hum … except maybe for this blog that was created last fall just for us to write about anything that we want to. This may be a good place to start.
Ok … just wanting you to not worry about reading everything and encourage you to just jump in. We are happy to welcome you to the community and to share with you. Please know that you are not alone here.
ME+WE
05/27/2018
Hi everyone. I’ve been doing a lot of reading trying to catch up and learn about everyone, but it’s slow going. Parts want so much to write and be a part of the connecting and kindness that is happening here. So, I’m writing a quick hello, before I’m done reading the whole thing–as some manager part wants me to do! I know some of my more private and/or hidden parts will probably be scared after I press send : p, but other parts can’t wait to get involved, and feel less alone in our daily struggles & successes. (All in a day with DID. : )
Me+We, Wren, DK, Participating Parts, TheC4B, Anna Lente, T. Clark, Chrys, Caden, Fairy, Mae, Abiyah Rina, and possibly others I forgot to mention… I have enjoyed reading your posts and am honored in getting to know each of you, as I read along. I feel less alone already and look forward to connecting further, being able to “halve our pain and double our joy” together. (Please forgive me if I have forgotten to mention your name. I am very tired and may have simply spaced it. Also, for many of you, I simply haven’t gotten around to reading your posts yet. I am only about half way through all the posting on this particular thread.)
Hey naturluver!!
We’re glad you’re here. Your manager part is gonna get worn out! We tried reading it all too. Got about half way through, too, then skipped a lot and jumped in, too!
“halve our pain and double our joy” We love that.
TheC4B was our tag til we changed it. So, hey from all of us. Not feeling alone is a very good feeling 🙂
Hi, naturluvr welome and glad you are here! We like posting here, and do when we can remember we have been writing on here!!
i blab too much. all that talking. nobody want to hear our bullshit. we got it easy compared to so many others. we just blabbing and whining. wish there was a delete button. hate it when we lose control of the mouth. our pathetic bitchy whiney never get better loser life. i blab way too much. forgot. i hate this life i wish i can make all the noise inside stop.
Hi blabber mouth,
I sure do hope that you do not stop talking. I really love everything that comes from your shared presence. You are listening to the old messages about talking too much or maybe not being allowed to speak your truth. Please hear my new message that your postings are most truthful and courageous, most helpful and insightful and most welcome.
ME+WE
05/27/2018
We always care what your parts say. If it helps, you don’t need to reread posts your parts have made. We feel inspired when you speak your truth. We ❤️ Yous. 5/28/18
Feeling so terrible and I can tell that the parts are spinning out but I can’t tell what is wrong. I’m trying to be patient with them but it’s difficult when I’m responsible for a full-time job and parenting and my heart is racing and my head is spinning and it’s hard to eat or sleep and I don’t know WHY except that I can tell that all is not well inside. It started right when my T left for vacation, which is humiliating because it really shouldn’t matter that much and I don’t know why it does. I’m trying to help the parts by listening to them, and when I fail at that I’m at least trying not to make things worse by hating them for it, but i’m somewhat failing at that too.
And there really is no place to go with all of that, so now it’s just me trying to wrangle a whole collection of traumatized/sad/scared/angry/confused people that no one else can see, and that is pretty much the most unrewarding and lonely activity ever. I should be way better at it because i’ve been working on it for 10 years, so the more frustrated and discouraged I get, the more I remember a previous T telling me I’m just not working hard enough and I’m not trying to change. That makes me and all the other parts even more upset, and it makes my head spin faster and this whole cycle just plays out over and over.
If I just didn’t have to be working today, I could probably get a handle on it. But the things that help take time and space that I don’t have – and I’ve already maxed out my sick time earlier this week when I pretended I had a migraine that was actually a panic attack.
I hate this so, so much and I wish it wasn’t so lonely.
Dear Hazel,
Oh my … time for some deep breaths, grounding techniques and bringing out all of your basket of safety nets (a discussion we had here some time ago here in case you do not know what I am referring to). It is not surprising that your system went into chaos as soon as your T left for vacation. That is perfectly understandable. My system is already bracing for our vacation this summer and being away from our T. Our Ts are our rocks, the place that we can count on each week to feel safe and cared for. I think that that is the big WHY in what you are feeling right now. So, a whole lot of self-soothing, kindness, reassurances to the little ones that your T is coming back and that they are safe and patience with yourself.
Oh … and you are not alone here Hazel. Maybe keep writing here so you feel connected with the community to be your rock and safe place while your T is away.
Sending positive, calming thoughts and wishes along with a nice cup of whatever is soothing for you and a shoulder to lean on here so you know that you are not alone.
Your friend,
ME+WE
05/27/2018
Thank you for this. It is always a help to feel heard even by a stranger (I feel like there’s a lesson in that for what the parts need, I suppose… I can hear my T saying it now).
I’m drawn by the kindness all of you show one another here, but I struggle a lot with the format and with how public it is. It’s so much easier for me to write than to talk and I can get so pathetically desperate for connection to people, so I’m worried I’ll say too much and someone could figure out who I am if they tried hard enough.
It makes us so angry that T being gone affects us this much. We don’t want to need her and we spend a lot of time feeling like we don’t trust her and we’re scared of her, so it feels kind of humiliating to realize how much we depend on that time with her. I wish she would get angry at us because it would feel so much less confusing.
we also hate it when our therapist be gone some where and we cant talk to her for a long time. even if she thinks she isnt gone long it seem long to us. we under stand how you feel. it affects us a lot to and we wish it didnt.
Hi HazelE,
Oh, I can understand about everything you wrote here. I bet we all can.
This is a public place, for sure. When we write, we almost forget how many people read these articles and the comments. It’s so much easier for us to write than talk, too. The saving grace for us is knowing Kathy monitors the comments. This makes us feel somewhat safer in posting because we think she will keep mean and hateful posts from getting through. We also understand what you mean about being discovered. I suppose there could be someone out there who could figure out our real name and track us down. It is a paranoia of ours. But our abusers are probably all dead by now. If there is anyone else we knew that ‘figures us out’ on here, I would hope they would be kind. If not, I think (personally) I would write Kathy and ask her how to handle it. But really, I can’t see that happening. It would take an awful lot of chance to come across someone we used to know reading all the comments we made. Plus, I can’t remember a person we’ve met irl that would be interested in reading about dissociation, let alone so so so many comments. I totally get the fear though.
The format is confusing. It wasn’t started as an interactive, forum type, blog. Kathy set up this page for us to write to each other and wow did we ever take advantage of that! It is so necessary and needed and wanted and appreciated. I think we all struggle with the confusion of it. I miss so many comments I wish I would have seen earlier.
One thing that naturluver did the other day that ME+WE used to do and I think is a very good idea is to write in one post a response to everyone. ie; one paragraph to ME+WE, one paragraph to T.Clark, etc. It keeps us from going back and forth to the side bar and clicking on every one of posts on that list to reply to others. (IDK, maybe others has ideas of how to help us all make this work better?) We can kind of navigate that way easier maybe. Plus some people write the date on their posts so it’s easier to see how old the posts are. That’s helpful. I do it when I remember.
I’m sorry you are missing your T. Yeah, it would be easier if they got mad at us, wouldn’t it? I used to think if our T got mad at us it wouldn’t hurt so much. Feeling cared about is scary and confusing and new.
I just read your OP to this thread again. I hate when people say things like ‘you are not working hard enough’! Who the f*** do they think they are?! That is some seriously messed up stuff! I’m sorry you had to hear that! I think those kinds of comments are usually made ‘off the cuff’ and they don’t realize how it effects us. I think it echos one of our deepest fears. I know therapists *usually* try their best but sometimes they can add to the trauma. They say things like this in a second and it takes decades to recover. I’m glad you said that so we can help you with understanding that was them, not you. It’s okay to let it go.
And, you are working hard enough. You always have been. Even if you took breaks. (We took a 14 year break from therapy and conscientiously working on our stuff. But we made a lot of progress in those years as I look back and remember.) Even if we (you, me, all of us) weren’t pounding the pavement, as it were, we were internally soaking up information and transforming.
I know for sure you are being too hard on yourself when you begin to believe fear. Those fears that come up, (for us), is little voices with huge feelings that just want to be told everything will be okay. Maybe it’s painful and kinda scary right now, but it won’t last. Little kids don’t understand that.
We have learned that one of our huge, over-reaching, system wide, fears is around the thought that “this will never end”. Our littles are searching for someone to tell them we will take care of them, they dont have to worry and they are not alone. Sometimes now, when a little of ours is scared and searching for someone outside our head to tell them its okay, I can recognize what’s happening and relieve their fears myself. Sometimes.
The vision I get to understand how littles feel is thinking about a three-year-old going to Vegas alone for the weekend. That would be freakout scary, terrifying for a three-year-old and our littles need us to tell them we are here. I/we are capable now. I know how to get around, how to ask for help, how to travel, etc. They are with us and we will make sure they will not get lost or left behind. They need to hear the words of relief.
I hope your T had a wonderful time on vacation. I hope she comes back fresh and feeling lighter and ready to work. I hope yous let her know how hard you worked together to help each other during her absence. I hope yous recognize that for yourselves.
Take Care Of Yous
Thank you for taking the time to write all of this. It’s a bit embarrassing how much it can help.
When you said “Our littles are searching for someone to tell them we will take care of them, they dont have to worry and they are not alone. Sometimes now, when a little of ours is scared and searching for someone outside our head to tell them its okay, I can recognize what’s happening and relieve their fears myself. “:
This is what they are searching endlessly for, and I laughed because what you said is exactly, exactly what my T wants me to be able to do. And part of me really does want to be able to do that, but other parts can’t bear the idea of helping them or being kind to them. So when the little parts are in distress and needing help, those other parts attack them but also ME, telling me that nothing happened and I don’t have parts and am trying to get attention and making it all up. I get so mixed up and confused, and I don’t know who to believe. I end up feeling tortured by the fear that I’m making it up and I don’t have parts. Sometimes I want more than anything to know for SURE that something happened to me, no matter how awful it would be to know that. Instead I’m trapped in this endless cycle of denial and self-hatred that keeps the parts small and quiet and afraid. Right now is one of those moments when I would do anything to leave that behind, but I don’t know how. Last night I found an article on here about denial and saw someone mention that they trigger themselves on purpose to try to get information or figure this out. I do that to (and also for other reasons) but it doesn’t work because I don’t know how I’ll ever know if we deserve to have those parts listened to and believed. Because that’s a big part of denial – not deserving treatment (including time/attention from T), not deserving to be part of a group that people like Kathy studies and writes to with compassion, not deserving to be part of a group that is the focus of research and articles and conferences by people who care enough to help. I don’t feel like I belong in that category of people who were not supposed to be hurt. It feels like I should have a different diagnosis, one that signals that I’m selfish and manipulative and have deserved everything that may or may not have happened to me.
We like your example about Las Vegas (which would be a nightmarish trip for my most capable of parts). That is exactly what it feels like so much of the time, and it’s exhausting and discouraging because I am so unequal to the task of being there for them. I’m somehow managing to work full-time and parent a toddler and even though in some ways I have help functioning in those roles from other parts who tag in, I also have so little time and energy to juggle the needs of all the parts.
Finally, thanks for understanding how difficult this format is. I am also a part of a forum that has been a huge help, but it’s dead quiet right now and this is, instead, the place where I am finding other people. So I’m drawn here in spite of myself, and in spite of how confusing and overwhelming it can be sometimes. And you’re right – I realized that, in some ways, the confusing bits of it would make it that much harder for anyone to systematically find all of my comments and piece together clues to my identity… and there are probably not people out there would bother to do that. So that helps a bit.
I wanted to briefly reply right now to something you said before I forget. But, tomorrow I want to reply more fully to your post because there is so much of what you said that we can understand personally too. But for now…
You said, ” …I also have so little time and energy to juggle the needs of all the parts…”
One of the things that I had to do when first meeting young ones was let other insiders help. Maybe the protectors need someone other than the front to reach out to the littles and help them. The main fronts in our system asked parts further inside who were willing to reach out to the littles. Maybe your protectors will be okay with that too? Instead of a front, you, maybe someone else can help out? If thats ok with the protectors, then you can have some relief too because you will be safely separated. Maybe they wont have to scare all of you into chaos and confusion.
Just a thought for now. ttyl 🙂
KenKen, that arrangement was just suggested by one of our Ts. One teen can talk to Protectors, and compassionate parent can’t. Teen is helping. This is our part gendered differently than the body. We bought a clothing item for this teen. Still trying to get up guts to wear it. ❤️ yous 5/31/18
T.Clark, awesome internal cooperation going on. Yous taking care of yous. Take you time. It’s all about the journey. Everyone ends up at the same destination. Hope you get out to see the momma bear and some birds! Love yous!
p.s. We’re sorry to hear about your friend. Take gentle care of all of yous.
Hi HazelE,
I certainly hear and understand your fears here. So much to deal with and no book of instructions to help us find our way along our healing path. Well, actually the DD website here is the closest thing that I have found to having the kinds of insights, understanding and instructions on what I am going through with DID and how best to navigate my way.
Hum …Kennedy and Riele have given you some wonderful feedback. Not sure what I can add but to reinforce the understanding that we are all here to be heard and understood with compassion and empathy. That is something we crave because it is something that none of us have known in our lives. It is also something that we all deserved to have so please try and relax and take in the caring presence of your DID community. We are all scared, lonely and needy. That is okay. Those feelings are valid and well earned. But, we can learn to take in understanding and compassion here on the DD website. And, in turn, maybe our insiders will learn about understanding and compassion with one another as well. We can teach them by example.
Now, I would not be concerned about folks finding out who you are. That would take someone coming to this website and then doing a systematic search of all of the messages here. That would be far too much for folks to do I should think. Now, obviously we tell stuff about ourselves and our inside worlds so we can make connects that way in our community sometimes. And, some of us have little ID pictures attached to our messages so you would know if it is one of our insiders talking. But, I feel that it would be a huge leap if an outsider came in here and figured out who you were in the outside world (as in outside of this community). I say this as someone who has not outed herself with her family so I wish to keep my outside identity private.
Oh and serious doubts that any of this is truly happening or any of what your insiders tell you happened when you were a child actually happened goes with the territory as far as I can see. I was in denial for over a year before I began to relax and really let the truth be told to me (by my insiders) without doubting it. But, to be honest, I still to go through periods of not believing … maybe more like not wanting to believe.
Hum … and navigating these blogs. There is dialogue accompanying each article that Kathy has posted. These are more targeted to the contents of the article although we do go in some other directions there too. The place where we just dive in and post on what is on our minds, is here. Now, if folks click on the reply after someone’s comment that you wish to respond to, we can keep the strings of discussion in some kind of order. But certainly there is a lot to scroll through to find those topics that you may be interested in. The way that I approach it is that it gives me the opportunity to discover new things that I might not have found otherwise (or maybe someone else in my system read and I have no memory of). In other words, I let the universe guide me to what I need here not necessarily what I think that I need. I have been amazed at how much the DD website has reached out and grabbed me and brought me to postings that I needed at that point in time.
Hang in there HazelE. We are all here to help in any way that we can. As you work through the material and participate more, I think that you will find that it gets easier to figure the way here and feel more comfortable participating.
We are here to shine a light to help you find your way! ☺
ME+WE
06/01/18
HazelE,
This thread said so much of what we experience ourselves that it will take some time to reply to all of it. I want to. It will help me process too. But the next thing I can understand is this feeling:
“…part of me really does want to be able to do that, but other parts can’t bear the idea of helping them or being kind to them. So when the little parts are in distress and needing help, those other parts attack them but also ME, telling me that nothing happened and I don’t have parts and am trying to get attention and making it all up. I get so mixed up and confused, and I don’t know who to believe. I end up feeling tortured by the fear…”
Someone on here is talking about re-enacting the abuse. I think naturluver began a thread. I think what you talk about here is the details of re-enacting abusive behavior to shut down or silence your system. Makes sense.
Protectors can do whatever they think it will take to protect us. They are not bad or wrong. They are doing what they think they must to keep your system from knowing each other, from knowing anything. Asking if it’s okay with them if someone inside can help calm the ones who are afraid will also help the protectors. They can talk with your T and get advice on how to let it be okay. And maybe they can learn some differences between now and the time they were created. Plus, they can be driven by tapes. You know? I don’t know if you can see inside so if you can’t ask somebody inside who can to turn on some lights and go searching for tape recorders. I know, sounds weird. Suspend that.
You might not find any. If you do, turn them off. Every time they come back on recognize them for what they are, old worn-out messages given to your system by outsiders. Turn them off again. Tell your insiders or ask a helper to broadcast to everyone inside how things are different now, how you all can help each other. Sounds so simple, right? It is, and it’s not. We have to override some of our tapes every time we walk out the front door and broadcast to everyone we are in charge now and it’s okay. Maybe ask the protectors if it’s okay with them and maybe they can even help.
Sometimes, for us, the doubt can be paralyzing. It makes me so confused and afraid to be who I am. I was never to acknowledge anything about myself. Never allowed to have my own thoughts and feelings. If I were to say who I was then I was told I was wrong and told who I am by someone else. I was told I was making things up, I was lying, I was having nightmares, I was daydreaming. etc. I was crazy, stupid, manipulative, anything and everything to tell me how what I knew about myself was not true or real. The doubts we hear inside come from outside too. Not just from the past but (depending on what we read and who we talk to) now too.
Sometimes I think doubt is used, kind of thrown up in my face, to cover for a deeper feeling. If I’m caught up in doubt I can’t tend to what is happening behind it. It’s an internal defense. We talk to the doubt like it’s a separate part. It feels and sounds like a voice behind me inside. Cant see it or touch it though. When I can separate myself enough to know those feelings and thoughts are not me, I can hear it and argue. Not argue/fight. Just tell it the things we know to calm it.
I’m sorry this was so long. I can’t seem to concentrate for long. Had to come back several times and each time I think I said something else. Sorry if it’s confusing too. I cant tell anymore. If we come across as having it all together (LOL) or that we’re a know-it-all or something, I’m sorry for that too. I guess I just needed to hear some of this myself. Not even sure if what I said was correct. I hope you get something good out of it. Gonna press send now before I delete.
We have given up all hope. There just is none.
The best thing to do is to let go..
Of everything
We are withering away
With the desire for it all to end soon
Please don’t be concerned for us
There isn’t anything anyone who can
Nor will do for us
It’s just time..
From the musings of Depression
Hello Dear Giving up hope,
I cannot help but be concerned for you – you are a kindred spirit, a fellow multiple, a precious member of our DD community here and valuable to us. You may not think that there is anything that we can do but that does not mean that we would not do anything that we could for you. I sure do hear your despair and what a horrible place to be in right now. I can do that. I can tell you that there are a bunch of folks here that understand the kind of depression and helplessness that you feel right now. We have been there. We have survived. You can too. I can tell you that there are folks here who care about you … that you are not alone. I can do all of that. Can you keep talking to us? We want to hear. We want to help.
Your friend,
ME+WE
05/27/2018
I am so sick and tired of being scapegoated for being a multiple!
Why do singletons have to re-create us in their image???
Feeling hurt and angry right now.
My dear friend Kennedy,
I am not surprised that truly remarkable things happened for you this week because you are a uniquely special person. What you have done this week is so incredibly moving, inspiring and courageous. I do not have words sufficient to the task of telling you how much I admire you and sincerely care for you. What you have written here is epic and moving. Thank you for sharing this with us.
My heart goes out to you on your sweet Missy having gone. Our pets are our family and friends and often the ones who have truly been there for us. My sincere sympathy for your loss.
Now, I am very concerned about your thoughts of suicide. I understand the depth of despair that took you to that point but please know that you have other options. You opened the door to new possibilities this week. I hope that you keep reminding yourself that there are always doors to open in the future. And there is always a big welcome mat waiting for you at the DD website doorstep. You are not alone.
Sending positive thoughts, energy and a big old hug (if that is okay with you).
Your friend,
ME+WE
05/24/2018
TY ME+WE,
❤️
Our hearts got broken again. (TW)
Missy, our cat, did not come home last Friday. She hasn’t come home since. It’s been 6 days. We read that sometimes cats get lost and eventually find their way home, but she’s gone. This is after the M-Day holiday and an anniversary date of horrible, terrible things. The depression hit so hard. One loss after another after another. We tried to get out of the darkness. Missy was the only creature we knew. Now she’s gone too.
Missy was a kitten born to a feral momma in one of the apartment buildings’ electrical sheds. Several of our neighbors were feeding her. Just throwing food out occasionally, not taking the time or effort to befriend her. So we did. It took some time, but eventually she pet us. Just walked by and swiped us with her head. That’s all it took for us to become her servant. We coaxed her inside, got her spayed, got her shots, got her flea meds, got her all kinds of toys and food and warm fuzzies. We loved her. She was only with us for a year and a half.
Ocho, the pic in our avatar is him, died in April of 2013. We adored him. He was with us for 8 1/2 years. He saved our lives so many times just because we loved him so much we couldn’t see him being taken care of appropriately by anyone else but us. After he died, our world went black and stayed that way for years. It took about 4 years for us to be okay with even thinking about getting another cat. With Missy, we won’t ever get another cat. They were the only creatures safe enough for us to love. The only creatures we could get close enough to, to love.
All the way up to Tuesday night, we were actively suicidal. Wrote a goodbye letter to our last T (who will never read it since he no longer works and no longer checks his work email), we gave away and threw away all sorts of our belongings. We planned out the time and made sure we had a way to override the innate survival instinct. We have been in this place before. We know what went wrong to keep us alive in the past. This time we planned to take no chances. It’s the calmest feeling. No anything but purpose.
We are not religious by any definition. By choice, and by abuse from our childhood, we choose to steer clear of everything “Bible”. But, there is something about what happened on Tuesday that we can’t just brush off as coincidence.
We spent lots of time listing the losses we endured lately and overall. On Tuesday, around 7pm, after we gave away some of our stuff and decided what we planned was for the best, we got a knock on the door.
Who is knocking on our door? We don’t know a single solitary soul in this world. No family, no friends, no coworkers, or acquaintances, or anyone at all. Thinking maybe someone was gonna tell us about Missy, maybe someone found her, we threw open the front door.
An old friend of ours was standing on the other side. We haven’t seen or even thought about him in over 3 years. The initial thoughts running through the head was; what does he want? How can we get outta this? I dont have the energy or ability to hear him, etc, etc…
But there was a voice and a vision that flashed across our mind.
You know the story of a man who is on top of a roof, his house surrounded by water, he needed saving and he was begging God to come save him. People in a boat pass by and tell him to get on board, he refuses. He’s waiting for his miracle. A helicopter tries to rescue him but he refuses cuz he’s waiting for God to give him his magical miracle? Remember that story?
Well, that flash went through our head. Along with a thought, “Say yes”.
So, in a rare moment of us not arguing, we let him in.
He told us why he was there. He said he was driving up the street, heading to a movie, when he just suddenly jerked the wheel in the direction of our apartment. He said he had not thought about us in years but all the sudden he wanted to stop by. He said when he gets feelings like that he follows them.
We talked about the past few years; what he’s been up to; what we’ve been up to. In another moment of clarity we decided not to lie. Instead of our usual “I’m fine”, brief, non-answer answer, we decided we had nothing to lose. We told him the truth. He started talking about schizophrenia. He was trying to understand. He was genuinely trying to understand. Told him we cannot see us ever being more than we are right now. And, we told him about the bleakness and darkness within that. We talked to him. For real.
Three hours later, we went out to a sit-down restaurant. I have agoraphobia. We never go out to do anything un-nessissary. I heard an authoritarian voice inside say “say yes”. Okay. Let’s go. What did we have to lose? We had a good time. Just went to Village Inn (like IHOP) and ate and talked there. He told us about his kids and what was up in his life. We caught up. He dropped us back at our apartment.
Out of the blue he decided to change direction and see if we were around. Out of the clear blue, we answered the door and made an instant decision to tell him the truth.
I think he handled what we said very well. Exceptionally well. He doesn’t really know us at all, and in a moment we decided not to hide. And not to lie about how we are. What did we have to lose?
He came back the next day and took us to the in-real-life group cuz we decided days before we would not even call them to say we were never going back. Because he was willing enough to come pick us up and take us, we got brave and told the group what had transpired since we were last there.
You wanna know something cool?
There was another group member who thanked me for telling what I did and continued to say she has also been suicidal lately and was close. I told her one of the reasons we started going to this group was to find other people who know. Who know. And when we first met her we knew we could be friends with her. And we wanted to do more than meet once a week in group. If she was willing and able. She said she would think about it. She said she would wait with her plans, too. She will be there next Wednesday to let me know. I guess we have to be there next Wednesday to hear her decision.
One friend, out of the blue, saved my life.
I hope we’re making friends with another person to help them too.
I’m not a very religious person.
But sometimes…
Things happen.
(we gotta get outta our own way to let them, tho)
KenKen, Magic, spirit, whatever. It happened. Please write it down in a calendar and celebrate the anniversary of the magic that helped you save you. AJ is angry to almost have lost you. Other parts are crying in relief because you are not dead. 5/25/18❤️
I’m sorry if what we wrote was scary and hurt yous. Was hoping the good in the story over-road the scary parts. Know that we are doing better. Our insides changed a bit and we are no longer active in our plans. We are talking with a few people online and irl who are helping us get through and see things differently. Big hugs to yous!
Not hurt. Being with you in your experience created many emotions.
We want you to meet your needs. We want to be with you when you speak your truth.
That won’t always be easy and it is a choice. We value connection with KenKens. 5/28/18
ME+WE: So cool about the birds. I’m sorry everything is so hard right now. Would writing or drawing be helpful? I think it’s ok to have a hard time at the meditation session. I understand how that would be. I hope you will still go back when you feel it will be helpful. Please be patient with yourself.
Andrea
Hi Andrea,
Thank you for your kind words and great suggestions. I have gone back to meditation (actually just tonight) and things have settled down. They are a very kind and accepting group so that made it a lot easier. Meditation has been an important factor in my insiders coming out from early on in therapy so I want to keep on my track there.
Trying to be patient with myself but WOW is that hard to do … just want to get this done! But, I am learning that the ride is more important than the destination. ☺
ME+WE
05/24/2018
Hello Friends,
Well … just when I was worrying about falling into the abyss of darkness … my husband opens the front door on our house to get some air in (we do not use the front door – no stairs up to it). My husband has not been able to get the Christmas wreath off of the front door yet (bad weather, bad hip and a wobbly ladder have prevented this from happening … oh … and a whole lot of procrastination). The outside door is all glass so you can see through it very easily. And, what was awaiting us there? A nest of baby Cardinals just inches away from our viewing. They just looked at us like “who are you?” There are three that I can see but who knows who is hiding underneath. They have feathers so are not newborns. We quickly took some pictures and closed the inner door so as to not disturb them too much. I will not be able to resist checking on them though.
What a lovely gift to receive from the universe today. I wish that I could share it with you all in person. Just celebrating new life right now!
ME+WE
05/22/2018
I wish that that at 3:15 a.m. therapy could happen. I’m sure my therapist wouldn’t mind if I call her, when I’m in this much distress. I certainly don’t feel that it’s appropriate. Nothing is that important to wake up the therapist. The self abuse state of the mine will eventually will work out
(sorry in advance for typos, my thinking is confused becuse im very switchy between me and several kids)
i wish had so meonw to talk to today.
among 50 other things going on, there was another school shooting today.
as a teacher these things rattle me to the core.
i do not feel safe at my school.
my inside kids dont feel safe at school either..
it would be very easy for a bad person to get in.
it is not actually a safe building by any means. and its in a very unsafe neighborhood where we frequently have drug raids, and shootings. all day long amnulances and police sirens.
if a shooter came to my school i would do ANYTHING to protect the kids in my class. i would get in front of a gun for them withtout a second thought. i love those kids.
but it breaks my heart so much that once again there are more families devastated and hearbrwokwn and their hearts and lives torn apart today ☹️
i just dont know how to handle news like this.
and since i dont feel safe i have even more upset kids today. when i get upset they get 100 times worse.
i feel like i am not allowed to have feelings, or wants, or needs. 👎🏼
because anything i feel or want makes things worse for the inside kids.
im so frustrated.
Hi Caden,
I am so sorry that your system is so upset. Certainly reason to be. I am a teacher as well (well, just forced to retired with contracts cancelled). My students are young adults. A couple of years ago one made physical threats and not a thing could be done – well, quickly that is (took a year and a half). It is awful to feel that you cannot do your job that you love in fear for your life and that of your students. In the end, you cannot live in fear of what ifs.
ME+WE
05/20/2018
We were a teacher, too, of young adults. Then an administrator. We liked education. We were an effective mix of funny and serious. Now our bookish/teacher part is overwhelmed and on extended bed rest, it appears lol 5/21/18
Hello Friends,
Okay … feeling really down, depleted and depressed. I work very hard to try and keep a positive attitude going but my angry one inside has really gotten me to the point of feeling defeated. I know that I talk a lot about patience, compassion, understanding and love here for all of one’s insiders and one’s self … and I truly believe that. You realize that I am talking to myself as much as I am to you all when I write here. Probably trying to convince myself more than anyone. But, right now, I am having a really hard time living those beliefs and keeping myself from the brink of giving up.
I have been working the past seven months with dealing with my anger. Not a 24/7 working (I am sensible enough to know that I cannot immerse myself in my work that intensely) but a recognition that I have to embrace that part of me if I am going to heal. The acting out by my most intense angry part and others who are angry with me for interacting with that part is really getting the best of me. I feel myself sliding back into the abyss and I cannot seem to stop the self-hatred and self-abuse that is pouring out of me.
I even had a big meltdown (embarrassingly so) with my meditation group last week. I was furious with them at the end of meditation session because they were all talking about how peaceful and tranquil and joyful they felt. I hated them all at that moment. Got to me and I told them (in an angry tone) that I was “F word jangled”, I glowered at them all and then just stared at the floor for the rest of the session. I did not want to look at them, hear them or interact with them in any way.
I am wondering if this is somehow a test to break down my resistance to the point of giving up and embracing something … but what? I am just not sure I understand where I am supposed to be going with this all. I end up feeling like a big failure and that spins into a whole lot of self-abuse.
Well … I am not sure what I am saying here folks or what or why I am saying this to you all. Trying to stay real. Trying to be honest with myself and you all. Trying to articulate the unspeakable. The heart, mind and souls are broken in so many unfathomable ways I do not know if I will ever figure out how to piece it all back together again. I was just shooting for cooperation and co-consciousness. Not even thinking happiness. Stillness would be good. What am I doing wrong?
ME+WE
05/18/2018
ME+WE
I don’t think you are doing anything wrong. Your angry part is communicating. It is completely a reaction I feel when outsiders talk of things I aspire to achieve like calm or tranquil especially when my best effort produces an internal dull roar. “Well, that clearly didn’t get the results other people say they feel.” The best thing I can do to heal is to be as honest as I can with my parts in that moment. Apologize if you believe it will help, Also consider forgiving/thanking your angry one for the outburst. It did the job to bring attention to something they want you to know. An important part of our journey is “breakout behaviors” that our parts do. They are messages/communication guiding our journey. For my system, those messages are usually intense, scrambled, in code and cause external unrest. For me, it is usually unexpected and can be very defeating. AND, it always has lead to progress.
I know that for me if I think about the overall end picture of healing; it is impossible, depressing,exhausting, and I want to give up. If I look back at the trail I have taken…WOW, I have traveled a long way! From what I have read of your comments, you have too!
Thank you for sharing.
Sarah D.
5/20/18
Sarah D, thanks for the advice about not looking at healing (future) but in how far we’ve come. For us, we haven’t come far and stills it’s not nothing.
Satisfied with less. Story of our new life. 5/21/18
ME+WE, maybe facing anything hard or doing challenging work is routinely a “2 steps forward, 1 step back,” except we can’t perceive the forward and so we focus on the back because we’re so used to abuse.
Using new, effective neuropathways, such as to talk to Angry parts, reinforces cooperation. Period. So you feel the backlash of new, scary, daring to practice making things better.
Practicing healthy ways helps heal even if we can’t perceive it.
Also, we’re always writing to ourself as much as to everyone outside. So we get that.
Practice what Ts and brain science say is effective. Use magic for good, too.
No giving us now, right? 5/20/18
Thank you Sarah D and T.Clark for your wisdom and understanding.
“The best thing I can do to heal is to be as honest as I can with my parts in that moment.”
“Practicing healthy ways helps heal even if we can’t perceive it.”
Well, lots to think about there.
I am down but not out. Still willing to try and capture the dream. ☺
ME+WE
05/21/2018
Maybe tear up cardboard boxes or throw ceramic plates at a wall (then later use in an art project, idk) will help you and the angry part get some of those intense emotions out where you can both see it and talk about it and separate yourselves away from it enough to deal with it easier. The emotion not the part. Anger work helped us a lot in the past. Many people are afraid of their anger because they have track records on not handling it well, but if you do anger work and physically get it out of you in ways that don’t harm anyone, it can be helpful. We learned these things from an old T and in Anger Management Group at Charter and Timberlawn hospitals (Dr. Ross’ places). Just a thought. -Lora
Thank you Lora. Great suggestions. Years ago, I was in Bioenergetic therapy. My T would have me hit pillows with my fists or the bed with a tennis racket. Basically anything to get the physical expression of the anger out. I put a cork in it a long time ago and I have been bottled up ever since. I think that I am afraid to pop that cork for fear of what might spill out. Hum … time to take that walk up the mountain of courage.
BTW – I love the idea of turning the expression of anger into an art project!
ME+WE
05/21/2018
Hi All,
A dear friend of mine travels from New Zealand back to Canada (where she grew up) each year to spend some time with her roots. And so we are planning for her pilgrimage to Canada this summer. Over the past eight months we have shared our ups and downs, frustrations, angers, shame, self-destruction, pain, hatreds and regrets. She has her own truckload of childhood trauma that she is dealing with in her non-DID fashion.
We have ruminated on the balance of honouring our histories, not turning our backs on them, while still healing and letting go. We decided that we needed a ritual festival of emancipation full of energy, enlightenment, surrender and release. And so we have concocted our plan – a roaring bonfire at night where we will speak our truths to the universe and throw the shackles of our abuse on to the fire and watch them become sparks of liberation that lift up and light the night sky. We have chosen the symbols of imprisonment that we wish to burn (we have different things to toss into the flames) and each one of us (the husbands got wind of what we are doing and wanted to join) will offer their heart message.
Okay … maybe this is a silly idea but I am willing to try anything to capture the joys of a life lost. That does not mean that I will not have to keep looking into the darkness and sorting through the villainous waste strewn there, but I seek balance in experiencing the full dimensions of living.
What things might you guys do to honour where you are while releasing some of the burdens that you feel?
ME+WE
05/08/2018
One other question….
I rarely look in the mirror. Like almost never.
Today as I was getting ready for my therapy appointment, I got dressed and looked in the mirror. And I looked just like my mother, who was one of my main abusers. I literally felt sick to my stomach. Total revulsion.
I changed clothes and didn’t look in the mirror again.
I have a very strong physical resemblance to my mother. And I hate that I resemble her in any way. After my reaction today, and my aversion to looking in the mirror in general ( I don’t have a full length mirror in my house. The only mirror is in the bathroom over the sink), I’m wondering if parts of me ‘see’ my mother when I look in the mirror.
Has anyone else ever had that experience?
Oh my gosh … another million dollar question Neo!
I rarely look in the mirror. When I do, I do not know who I am looking at. I cannot relate the image in the mirror as ME. It just does not look like me (the me that interacts in my head). I hate the image in the mirror. It looks like a distorted creature to me – some horrible manifestation of someone else’s doing. Not who I think that I am. I truly hate my image and try not to see it as much as I can. I do see my father in my image (I resemble his side) and that just brings on a whole cascade of feelings of disgust, worthlessness, rejection, not belonging, not fitting, hatred, etc. – all feelings that my father had when he looked at me. That mostly makes me feel sad and nauseous. When I hear myself sound like my mother, or say something that she would say or how she would say it, I cringe!
I know that I have said this before but, my 12 year old boy alter Tom told a friend that he does not look in the mirror because it scares him to see an old woman looking back at him. At other times an angry one will look in the mirror just to snarl at me. And, sometimes my little girls will look in the mirror at our eyes. They have some notion that they should be able to see themselves inside through my eyes. They have a fascination with being seen inside and even look to have stuffed animals see them inside.
I hate cloths because I hate my body. I tend not to think much about my cloths other than if they cover my body. So, I would never look in a mirror to see what I looked like. I would get so stressed out about what to wear to my therapy sessions that I developed a “uniform” to wear (i.e., the exact same cloths every week).
I will be interested to hear other folk’s take on this question too.
ME+WE
05/08/2018
We don’t know who is in the mirror. Avoid it usually. Showering is triggering. Naked strange adult body. Can’t stand to see sibling in the mirror. So changed our appearance. Now we look like no one we know. Sometimes we see the face in the mirror and are pleasantly surprised. We see someone attractive. Sometimes we’re repulsed. Usually we’re just confused. Who is that? Why don’t we recognize that face? 5/9/18
I had a therapy appointment today. My angry teenage alter came out and afterwards I sensed that my T was fatigued and sort of tired of dealing with her, or kind of not sure of what to do or how to help her. Just really fatigued, discouraged, unsure.
I left feeling like I am just too much for people. Or parts of me are just too much for other people to deal with. And that starts a cycle of shame and hiding and withdrawal and self hatred and insecurity.
Sigh.
Does anyone else ever feel like they are just too much for other people to deal with?
Hi Neo,
I continually feel that I am too much for people to deal with. That is why I have told very few people about my DID or even hinted at the trauma that got me here. I see some folks simply not being able to hear even when I just casually and without any drama mention my DID (e.g., if you are going to ask me how my week was, don’t give me a shocked expression back when I say that my insiders were acting up on me!). And, although I listen to a daily litany of my husband’s PTSD issues, I speak very little about what is going on with me. I can see it in his eyes that he cannot handle it when I do. He tries but the stuff is just too much for him … then he cries or gets really angry and I am left dealing with his feelings (and resentful that he has feelings that I cannot yet muster for myself).
Now, I continually worry that I am too much for my T and scrutinize her every reaction looking for rejection, disgust, abandonment, etc. She pointed out to me not too long ago about how I always bring her a treat (something nice to eat) after every session where I went over time. I just fuss all week and worry that I need to make it up to her somehow. She continually points out to me that time and conduct in the session are her responsibility and that I am just there to speak my truth. She also tells me that everyone in my system is welcome even when I think that some of them are to be feared or are monotonous in going over the same things again and again or I think maybe she is scared to deal with them or does not know how to, etc. I just continually worry that I am going to do something wrong or send my T to the edge of her patience or anger her or cross some line with her, or … well, every imaginable scenario that has her dumping me as a client. And, I ALWAYS assume that I have screwed up. Actually, I ask my T all the time if I am screwing up. Ya … no insecurities here!!!
So Neo, what I am trying to say here is yes, I have had those same feelings. And, yes sometimes I see in my T’s face and actions reflections of disinterest, frustration, panic, etc. that may or may not actually be there. I have to keep telling myself that she is the professional, she has learned self-care, she can speak with other professionals about her feelings and how best to work through a trouble spot with me, etc. And, I know that she has done all of this.
Hum … a couple of practical suggestions. First of all, I think that the best approach if you are feeling this way is to ask your T about your concerns. Maybe your T is overwhelmed with you but maybe not. Maybe other things in your T’s life are what is overwhelming and that is spilling over into your session. You will not know until you ask. If you find it too difficult to speak the words, then maybe write down your concerns and let your T read it in your session. At least you will know one way or another what your T actually is thinking and feeling. And, if there are any issues, you can work together on a solution.
The second idea involves Kathy. I have read other folks talking about Kathy assisting with their Ts. Now, I am not sure if this is possible (i.e., from Kathy’s perspective or that of your T) or if you have the finances to do this, but maybe your T could get some help from Kathy if there are issues that they do not know how to handle. Certainly Kathy is an accomplished expert in the field and a great person for any T to talk with I would think. Again, I am not sure if this is doable but I have always thought that it was something that I would explore if I hit a snag with my T.
Take heart Neo. It probably was a whole misunderstanding of what was happening in your session. And, if not, then it is certainly something that you and your T can work out.
Oh … and remember that you are never too much for us here!
ME+WE
05/08/2018
Thank you for the many kind words to those who responded. I really feel for you Kennedy and unfortunately think many of us swing between amnesia and overwhelming and clear memories. As other wrote to me, what is important is to hang in there. It reads that you are able to take care of a lot of basics and taking care of oneself too and having safety and stability are something that I have learned are so important. I do walk a lot and pace and swim and keep busy. Don’t think any of your parts or any of us want you to disappear Kennedy though can relate to the wish to do so.
All these things in the last week or so has worn me out. I’m trying to learn how best to talk with insiders when many issues come up all at once…
Like, when going outside I hear and feel a little getting anxious. Over the past few years I have been trying to listen and comfort instead of my denial, ignore and push away habit. I tell them we won’t get lost because I am big now and I know where we are and where we are going. I have a phone for emergencies and money for a tow truck, if necessary. I know the lay out of the land and I know we wont get lost. If we do, I’m really good at directions and I can ask for help if we need it.
“I’m still scared about going out there and we must have a purpose. We cannot go out there just to be out there.” That’s another fear that sometimes overwhelms us when we get to the front door. I have a hard time with this one. I sometimes say that it’s not true that we can’t go outside. It used to take exactly 3 hours to do everything outside that was necessary to get by for another month. That was all the time allowed. I don’t know where that thought originates but it’s a very strong presence. A lot of times I can’t override it and explain well enough to calm it down.
Like the other day, I took the car in for A/C service. The guy at the shop talked on and on about things I didn’t understand when he called to give me the estimate and his suggestions for other repairs. I got totally overwhelmed with all he said and we spent the day in internal chaos. Started seeing flashes of what our life was like when we were homeless. My brain jumped from a hundred dollars for one thing to homeless because we have no money in a second. I had to pull away from the fear (took all day) and listen to what was really being said. When I did, I said that that was a very long time ago and we wont be homeless ever again. We wont lose our apartment due to car issues. Plus, the guy suggested a lot of stuff but said a lot of it was not really necessary. So, as that turns out, we are okay with the car and the bank acct and we wont be homeless. I am big now. I got this kinda thing covered. It’s okay. Whew!
Like today. We went to the doc for a suspicious mole that’s been burning. I asked the doctor IF it is cancer, what happens next? What should we expect? Well, since we have had this appt for a while now, there has been a little worry but it was manageable. For a few hours before we talked to the doc, the obsessive questions of worry kept getting louder. So I looked it up. Trying to relieve some fears. And the doc checked us out and said there are different kinds of skin cancer (if we have it at all) so there are different things we can do, but don’t jump to the most dreaded ending. I’m working on relieving the fears.
We didn’t go to our group this week. An anniversary day is here and the pain that it brings up brings up more pain from different but similar things. I’ve been sleeping a lot. Or at least trying to. I want out of my head. Make the noise and pain go away. I can’t be in front of others right now. And I’m trying to take care of and comfort and relieve fears of insiders. This anniversary, this thing that happened, happened to me. I am an adult in our system. One of the three main fronts. Even though I take on the majority of the responsibilities of daily living for everyone, I have my own history. My own life. My own pain. My own trauma.
It feels like I must always be the “good mom” internally. Maybe I should tell them that a good mom would tell her children when she is having a hard time and ask them to reach out to someone else for a while. Then, I feel guilty, selfish. I also think I have control issues. I don’t want to go far enough inside to not know what is going on up front. But I need a break.
(Side note; sometimes I feel like my diagnosis is wrong because if it was correct then why do I know any of this? Isn’t amnesia about all this kind of thing a symptom of DID? Why can’t I just block it all out anymore? Or just switch and disappear?)
We’re sorry you were without a home ever, Kennedy.
Little things like a/c repair become catastrophic in a second after trauma, right?
Why can’t we take our brains to the brain mechanic? “We need some new wiring. Too much fear.”
“No problem. $100. While we’re in there, want us to give you the ability to speak Spanish and also to clean out memories from 1978-81?”
“Yes please.”
We don’t mean to make light of your situation. We just wish we could flip that switch, too.
Yes, good parents give themselves a time out sometimes, in our opinion. Self-care. Like when our favorite T takes a vacation or gets sick, we’re like, “Don’t hurry back. Rest up so you can help us.”
KenKen, you can. Yous make so many smart and effective decisions. It just sux to have to make them. The things we have to consider will never cross others’ minds.
We hope you won’t worry about diagnoses. The trauma was real. Do what works. Try what trustworthy Ts or groups or books suggest. Build new neuropathways. Maybe it will get easier?
Fuck, we don’t work. Rarely leave home. It fucking better get easier lol. 🙄 cinco de mayo/18
*KenKen* We love that!
Shout out to AJ! We remember you liking da cartoony cu$$ing.
🖕🏼 this bull 💩 , its gotta get easier. lol
aww shoot. the kids didn’t write that! lolz
forgot to take off the ‘kids’ in the name 🙂
Hi Kennedy (a.k.a. KenKen),
I love every word that T.Clark said so a big DITTO to life on the edge, panic, struggles, rewiring, compassion, kudos and WTFs.
We have really gotten to know each other here dear friend. Okay … not all of the nitty gritty but certainly enough to go “ya, I really understand what your saying.” There is an unspoken language that we all share here – the language of knowing — a shorthand to each other’s minds, hearts, guts and souls. So, when one of us speaks here, all of our DID selves vibrate in personal understanding. You tell us about what you are going through Kennedy and there is a wave of recognition that flows through our community. This is not to take away from your personal struggles but to honour them as unique and connected all at the same time … and to remind you that you are not alone.
Kennedy, you have been such a brilliant community member here – so honest, vulnerable, funny, smart, resilient, creative and courageous. I know that you may not feel like that as you try to navigate your daily stresses and the baggage from your past, but you are more than just a survivor – you are a brave warrior. I have seen such remarkable growth and healing in your postings to the community. You have come such a long way in the short time that we have known one another that I cannot help but feel sincere hope for your tomorrows.
I am on team KenKen all the way to victory!
ME+WE
05/06/2018