I want to tell you a true story about something that just happened to me a couple weeks ago.
It might be a bit triggery for a few of you — so please know right upfront that I am okay. This story will get a little scary, but it ends okay. I will spare you the nitty-gritty details, but I want to say enough about what happened so we can have a good discussion. Please know to have your older system protectors around just in case any of your other system folks feel scared or worried while they hear what happened at my house recently.
It was a weekend night. I was asleep, very asleep, and had been for awhile. The clock said it was 12:47am.
I was woken up from my cozy little sleep when my beautiful dog, Joe Bob, started growling. Joe was standing on the bed, all his fur bristled stiff, his muscles tightened, his eyes looking intensely out the window. Joe Joe is very attentive to the world, and he had clearly heard something he didn’t like. It was completely dark out there — lit by only the moon and stars. No city lights around here.
At first I had no idea why Joe Joe was growling making all kinds of deep dog-protector noises.
What’s going on, Joe Bob ??
Then I heard it.
Just a few feet outside my window, my neighbour was muttering and grumping and swearing. He was close enough to my window that he could hear Joe growling at him. He got angry at Joe. My drunken neighbor, standing in MY yard, had the audacity to tell my fabulous, protective dog to shut up, using the most foul and hideous language in doing so.
OOOOOH, I don’t think so, Mr. Neighbor-man.
I told him to go away.
No swearing, no yelling. He was only a few feet away from my window. I didn’t need to yell for him to hear me.
Instead of going away, Drunken-Angry-Neighbor-Man exploded into a full rampage of verbal obscenities and foul language. He called me all kinds of horrible ugly names, and swore repeatedly. He was loud. He was vulgar. He was obnoxious. Over and over and over again. On and on and on….
The worst part is…..
Drunken-Angry-Neighbor-Man stayed right outside my bedroom window and would not go to his own house.
He walked around and around in my yard, and continued his verbal rampage and name calling of me for 15 minutes. FIFTEEN MINUTES. That’s a looooooooooooooong time to be listening to a drunken rage full of obscenities and horrific name-calling.
REALLY not okay.
It’s scary, because when someone is drunk and raging, you never really know what they are going to do.
It’s hard to think, because the fear can make you freeze.
It’s hard to decide what to do — what will make things worse? What will make the situation better?
Is it better to be quiet, and tuck away, and to be as invisible as possible?
Is it better to be loud and assertive, demanding space and silence?
Is it better to call for help?
Is it gonna all settle down and not be worth disturbing other people, even the authorities?
What’s the best thing to do ??????
Because there was nothing but a glass window between Drunken-Angry-Neighbor-Man and myself, I decided to be quiet at the time. One glass window at chest-height did not feel secure to me, so I decided to not “poke the bear”.
I immediately began documenting the incident in a text message to someone of authority, but after instructing Drunken-Angry-Neighbor-Man to go away, I said nothing else to him. He completely erupted when I said that. There was no knowing what he would do if I began to argue with him or confront him.
I should have used my phone to record Drunken-Angry-Neighbor-Man making all that noise. However, I have a new-to-me-phone, and frankly, in the fear of the moment, I couldn’t think of how to record from my phone. That would have been the best option to prove what was happening. At the time, I was thinking that I didn’t want to be visible at my window making a video. I jut didn’t feel like that glass window was enough security to keep me safe from a big raging drunk man.
So I stayed down and out of sight.
However, I was completely ready to take it to the next level and I was 100% willing to call the Police if the situation intensified.
In hindsight, I wish I had called the Police right away, but I didn’t. I didn’t know it would go on and on and on for 15 minutes. I kept thinking surely it would end. Surely he would go inside.
Instead of calling the Police, I listened, intently, to what Drunken-Angry-Neighbor-Man was doing. I could hear where he was walking. I could hear all his words. I could tell where he was in the yard. The further away he was from my window, the safer I felt.
I kept thinking that surely he would give up his tantrum and go inside.
I was listening closely for anything breaking. I was clear about one thing. Any damage to property or any indication of physical violence and I was calling for Police back-up. No doubt about it.
After about 10 minutes of verbal ranting and raging right near my house, he went closer to his side of the yard, but still stayed outside. He still was on a rampage, and he was still swearing and yelling, but he was over there, a little further from me, and closer to where he lives. There was five more minutes of yelling and swearing from a little further away, but you know… still way way way too close for comfort.
Finally, after 15 minutes, he went inside his house.
Thank goodness.
I was soooo relieved when he went inside his place.
Other than being very shaken up by all the verbal abuse and loud obscenities, I wasn’t physically hurt. And once Drunken-Angry-Neighbor-Man went into his own home, I knew the ordeal was over.
Seriously, thank goodness.
I really really don’t like stuff like that.
SOOO not okay. Not okay at all.
The next morning, at 7am, Angry-Raging-Neighbor-Man was still on his rampage. However, by 7:30 am, in the bright of morning daylight, he found his wallet outside. Apparently, in his drunken state, he dropped his wallet in my backyard. Maybe that is what he was looking for and why he wouldn’t go away from my house.
hmmmmmmmm……
Okay, so maybe I understand why he was out there, but….. was that okay?
NO!
Even if he lost his wallet, his behaviour was atrocious and hideous. It is absolutely not okay to stand outside someone’s bedroom window in the middle of the night and yell vile obscenities.
After all, I didn’t lose his wallet. I had nothing to do with his wallet. What right did he have to be angry at me over his mistake and his clumsiness? Do I stand outside his bedroom window and yell obscenities at him at 1 am ?
And did Drunken-Angry-Neighbor-Man apologize for his behavior?
Has he made amends for such outrageous behaviour?
NO!
Not one word of effort or apology.
I mulled it over for a few days, and I still felt uncomfortable with such horrible behavior by my neighbor. I realized I was still upset by it, and I realized how much my neighbour frightened me. I decided this was not an instance to ignore.
So yes, I filed a non-urgent Police Report, detailing the incident. It was considered “non-urgent” as it was not occurring at the time and date of the Report.
Would you have done that?
Why or why not?
I decided that violent rages are not acceptable.
If I turned a blind eye to that, Drunken-Angry-Neighbor-Man could do it again, assuming there will be no consequences.
I can’t support that.
I can’t support anyone assaulting someone else in such a manner.
I know that you, as a DID survivor, you have survived MUCH MUCH MUCH worse than a drunken neighbor raging in the middle of the night.
I don’t begin to compare this situation with anything you have survived or endured.
However, even this much raging is unacceptable behavior, and it felt important for me to take an stand about it.
I’m definitely interested in hearing your thoughts and opinions about this.
Your Dissoci-ACTION Questions:
- What do you think?
- Are you surprised that the Police would take a report about this?
- Do you have a better idea for how to handle this situation?
- What would you have done?
- Would you report an angry rager to the Police?
- What does this situation remind you of?
- Would you have been scared?
- How would you felt after such an incident?
This situation reminded me of the courage that you have had to survive your trauma. You’re truly awesome, and your strength and bravery are amazing.
Thank you for reading here.
And may all your neighbors be kind.
I wish you the best in your healing journey. Oh, and STAY SAFE !!
Warmly,
Kathy
Copyright © 2008-2018 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
I would have been very scared and probably shaking. My father was a violent alcoholic and there was a lot of yelling in our house when I was little. In the situation with the neighbor I probably would have been scared to call the police because it might anger the neighbor but I think I would have done it in the end to be safe. I have to protect myself and the littles and the other bigs.
Scary stuff. And then I end up thinking if I call the police, and they confront him, what will he do next that’s worse as payback. Why did he lose his wallet in YOUR yard? I will say that reading it definitely did something to someone inside. I felt that fear. We used to have drunk neighbors with loud parties. My parents would be gone and my poor little sister would be there alone. She said she spent many nights hiding behind the couch. I was in college by then.
When I first got Luca, my shih tzu, I realized that very first night that because he was so attentive to every little noise, I could let go of my hypervigilance a bit, go to sleep and he would let me know if there was something wrong. Luca became a great PTSD service dog for me for 7 years. I was lucky enough to get him from the humane society and someone had him completely trained. It took me quite a while to even get him to eat as I didn’t know the command.
I had to rehome my next dog Lucy, during covid as I got too sick with the virus to take care of her. Reading your story and looking at how bad my insomnia is again, reminds me of how amazing it is when you have PTSD, to have an animal that can “stand guard.” Beyond being a warm beating heart lying beside you. Being such a comfort in general.
Glad it ended ok. Scary stuff. I hear you can do more with the police if there is a “no trespassing” sign because then he is actually breaking the law. Something to think about. Recording is a great idea. Good for me to tuck away. I forget phones have cameras and recording apps in the moment.
I am only just brave enough to write this today.
Raging angry men are very scary and even raging angry women too and I am sorry that you got raged at and it is scary and I am glad you had your doggy to protect you. I have too many raging angry mans and drunk peoples in my life.
I think it is good to tell the police. Where I am from they keep it on file and if it happens again they have more of a case. I think you were brave telling the police.
I am very happy for you that the raging drunk angry man is moving house so you can feel safer in your home. You is very blessed.
Thank you for all the blogs and other writings you make. They are a life line for me to know and learn and understand things and I is very grateful I finded this place.
hi. i am sorry to hear this. Sounds awful. I don’t blame you for being scared. It was definitely not right of him to do that. I think you were right not to turn your phone on unless you had been able to get away from the window cause you did not know what he was capable of in his state. however if you had been able to sneak away then yeah you could have called the police and that they could have come sooner and you not have had to have that happen for so long. But either way, you did handle it well i think.
It brought me back to being a child and not able to get my mother to stop yelling at me, getting to be as motionless as possible in hopes she would stop. But it seemed to only get worse as time went on. I related so much to you saying how not safe you feel when someone is yelling at you belligerently.
It’s true, there is very little children can do. The worst part for me, is even though I am out of that house, no matter what, I still feel somewhat on guard. Things are never totally safe for me. I have never had any of those escape plans you mentioned, I don’t feel powerful enough to make them. When I don’t feel safe I burrow deep deep inside where no one can get me and to me. Also speaking of which I don’t trust very easily now. I don’t know how to let guards down and really love. It’s all about preventing danger. It’s a messed up way to live and I don’t wish it on anyone.
I had one similar story where I stayed at a friends house, who had it much worse then me. A mentally retarded single mother who took in men who continually abused her. Well I had stayed the night. And during that time saw the man and her mother doing inappropriate things on the couch in plane sight, been flashed at, and then in a drunken rage threatened to hurt one of them. Or something like that, i don’t remember exactly. He unplugged the phone in the wall also. My friend had said this was a regular thing when he got drunk, but I was scared. I ran out of the house and started knocking on neighbors door and asked to borrow their phone. (My house was close enough that I could run to it if he got too close). Fortunately I instantly had someone give me the phone and called the police.)
They both said they were happy when he was gone.
I’m having a really hard time with where my mother is concerned she’s different then what she was she has cancer but can still say some nasty things but can’t do any what could be sexual abuse or physical and i can’t break away every time i try i become severely depressed and alk i hearis kids screaming i want my mommy i don’t know what todo but put distance and visit only once a month when she dies times what do i do with the kids
Hi Nessa,
Well, that is really a tricky problem. I understand how hard it can be to separate. And, death does not seem to solve anything (my two main abusers have died over the past two years and that did not seem to help mainly because my insiders have no concept of time/memories or death). From my perspective, all you can do is keep up with your work with your insiders and try to limit your contact with your mother as much as possible especially if the relationship continues to be abusive and/or painful. When the time comes. You will have to support your little ones in their grieving process as you would any child. It will take time, compassionate understanding and listening and a whole lot of love.
You have us all here to listen and support you Nessa. You do not have to face this alone.
ME+WE
04/04/2018
PS – Great news Kathy! Time for a big old Happy Dance indeed. I am so happy to hear that this burden has been lifted off of your shoulders. Time for ice cream and cookies with smarties!
I’m SO SO SO SO SO SO excited to say that this angry, raging neighbor of mine is moving today!
Away, away away! He’s going away today! YAY YAY YAY !!! What a great day!
I’ve been doing a great big happy dance watching the moving trucks being loaded up and hauling things away. This is some of the BEST NEWS. REALLY really happy.
That’s one less headache. It feels soooo much better, and while there hasn’t been any significant complications since I wrote this article, I’m still feeling extremely pleased and happy that he’s going away.
Yep, getting distance from unpredictable perpetrators, angry ragers , and disruptive chaos feels wonderful!!!!
How far away are you from people who have violent outbursts??? The further the better.
Hope you are feeling safer today too.
Warmly,
Kathy
YAY! 🤸 👏 (Those are cartwheels and clapping hands).
Knowing you can exhale and breathe a bit deeper is very awesome, Kathy!
When I first moved into the apartment we are now there was a neighbor who got so drunk he forgot which door was his. Mine is the forth one in the row, his was 1st in the line-up from the corner, they were opposite ends of the same section of building. At 2, 3, 4 am, three separate times he tried getting into our apartment. Woke us up pounding and turning the knob and yelling. Found out he worked at a pizza place and got off work late so he was just getting home from after-work-getting-drunk-party-stuff. The first time I was frozen. I bet I could hear every movement of every thing in that moment. I didn’t call the police. He kept trying the doorknob and pounding. I figured it out and oped the door screaming. Yelling at him telling him he did not live here. He looked shocked. Said sorry. Next two times, I knew it was him. Yelled at him then too. It was a great relief knowing he moved out. Don’t really know how much tension your holding onto, until it’s gone.
YAY! Breathe! 🤸 👏
Cleansing Breath! Yeah. Happy for you. We don’t do yelling at all. Even loud than usual voices put us on the defense. Take care, and I’m doing the happy dance with you!
Know this will sound harsh. But we realize that in the end.. people just want us gone. Those of us just like your neighbor with mean words and nasty attitudes. We get left. We get shut out. We get not spoken to. We get cheers for our departure.
This is the curse we live. You just showed the world that even good people such as yourself will cheer when we leave.
🤬 This is what we deserve..
ummmmmmm, Frank???
Hold on a minute there.
My post about my former raging neighbor is not in any way about you or connected to you. My neighbor’s behavior was seriously inappropriate, and more vile than I described in my post (I purposefully left out a fair few of the gory details).
I have no reason to want you gone, and frankly, Frank, I don’t want you gone. I certainly have not “cheered” your leaving or being quiet, or being absent. You’ve always been welcome here.
Then again, you haven’t given me, or the DD Community any “mean words or nasty attitudes”. You’ve not posted anything across that line. The opposite it true — you’re a welcome part of our group, and you are still welcome to be here. Is that an invitation to be mean? No, of course not. But you can be here, without being mean to other folks. I know you can. You have the ability to do that. I know you do.
I have to agree — yes, people in this group don’t want to be treated with mean words or nasty attitudes, and I encourage trauma survivors to create that protective boundary for themselves, and to apply it in their private lives, with different relationships. I would venture to say, that maybe being treated “meanly” would not be your preference either. I certainly hope not.
See…. I think you can speak perfectly well. You’ve got enough “filters” to participate here and to part of our group. You can fit in — you have fit in. I consider you to be part of THIS group. You ARE part of the group already, Frank.
Frank, whatever happened in the past was the past. You may very well hold anger, or irritation, or impatience, or guilt, or shame about the past, but here in this group, you get a brand new fresh start. There is no “baggage”. You get to be here, and start brand new without anyone automatically thinking badly of you.
I hope you begin to post more. We haven’t heard much from you lately, and you are still very much invited to be here.
Warmly,
Kathy
Hi Frank,
I just wanted to jump in here because I certainly heard what you said and I wanted to let you know that I am very happy that you are a part of our community and that you share with us. I am sorry that you are feeling like you cannot talk here or are not wanted. From my perspective, that sure is not the case. I welcome you here and do not want to see you shut out in any way. You are an important part or our community.
I agree with Kathy that we need to be sure not to be mean to others here in our community because … well … we have all had too much mean stuff happen to us in our lives. We need to show each other kindness and compassion and treat each other as we all deserve to be treated – with respect.
But, hey I do not think that means that we cannot tell our truth about the people in our outside world who have done bad things to us or are making us mad and sad and upset now – maybe even folks in our shared systems. Please know that you are very welcome to vent those feelings here. Actually, maybe this is one of the safe places where you can tell what you are feeling and not worry that it will upset others or get you in any trouble or whatever your fear is.
Everyone deserves to be heard Frank. Sometimes we have to be careful about where we tell our truth and who we tell it to. Some folks just do not understand – especially folks that do not live in insider systems or have insider systems like we do. So, we have to be careful so we do not get hurt. But, all of us here have all been on the same walk Frank … maybe in different forests of brambles and thorns but we know what it is like. We really know and we welcome you to be just you and know that you have friends here that really understand.
You are welcomed, valued and respected here Frank.
ME+WE
04/06/2018
Your basic chicken here! Glad nothing further occurred. Unfortunately, you suffered for a few days. Glad police took report. I now have very low tolerance for violence of any kind. I’d like to think I would have called the police immediately. Probably claiming ignorance of exactly who it was as it was dark out & letting the police listen in on what was happening. But I always have a better plan after an incident!
Hi Windsoar,
Welcome to Discussing Dissociation and thanks for posting!
It is always a little easier to plans things in hindsight, isn’t it?!! I feel the SAME WAY, lol.
I like your idea of just letting the police hear it for themselves over the phone — that could be a good plan and yes, recording verbal abuse with our smart phones is an easy way to get proof of an incident. I have done that in other situations, so I agree with your idea.
In this particular situation, I thought of that, but the light from the phone itself would have been very obvious, and I didn’t know if that would create an even bigger explosion or not. I was afraid he’d punch thru’ the window. You know how some abusers go ballistic if they think someone is telling on them…. ! I also knew, in my community, it would take quite some time for police to actually arrive (small towns don’t have quick police response), and I just didn’t wanna do anything that would make him escalate further. I don’t know if my choices were the best or not, but at least I survived to tell the story. 🙂
And yes, once you’ve been thru’ too much violence, developing either a very low tolerance for new violence (or having an extremely calloused tolerance) would be normal.
I don’t think you’re a chicken — I think you are smart to know when something is scary!
Thanks for your comment.
Warmly,
Kathy
First–we’re so glad that you are safe!!! That would be terrifying to go through.
The odd thing is that when I think about how I react, if somebody is being nasty to me, I just end up taking it and hoping it will end. But if somebody else is being attacked (verbally or physically), I jump right in to protect that person. What’s scary about that for me is that protectors come out and they’ll start in on the guy doing the bad stuff, and that can escalate a situation really fast. Not a good idea!
But if it’s happening to me, then everybody inside just goes as far away as possible and hopes we make it through the beating or whatever in one piece. It’s seeing it happen to somebody else that sets me off.
But, if you had called the police on the guy and he was arrested, you’d then have a neighbor who has a grudge against you–so that wouldn’t be good either. OR, is that just thinking like an abuse victim?
So happy that you’re ok!!
Ollie
I live in a neighborhood of “drunken, angry men” and people who love to steal your stuff. I am poor and live in a high crime area. My back deck has doors that are routinely opened by people looking to steal whatever they can. I have two chairs and a small table that apparently no one wants back there.
I’ve learned martial arts over the years and have a machete in bed with me. I’ve had a person try to break in my house in daylight with company in the house. I’ve been around drunks, addicts, peeping Tom’s, and had my house broken into when I visited my mom out of town.
The thing to do when you see troubke is to observe and report. NEVER engage or talk to people who are behaving this way and always call the police ASAP. Confrontation can get you killed in my neighborhood and so can calling the police. I call them anyway and the police sometimes show up an hour or so later. Thus why I observe and keep the phone and the machete handy.
My mom used to rage at me for hours in my early teens. I was self medicating and she was bipolar-undiagnosed. I got rages for hours or a mom in bed for days at a time. The art of dissociating during my mom’s 2-3 hour tirades became an art form.
Drunken angry guy? He lives next door and wakes me up with his raging in the summer if my windows are open. They usually stay shut in the summer since he rages every night. Raging abusive parents? They live on the corner and when I hear the boyfriend threatening the mom or the kids i observe and report. The cops wanted to know the first time if the guy had a gun. I laughed and said “Do you really think I’m going to get that close?” I was reporting what I heard after turning all my lightms off so he wouldn’t know who saw his abuse and who called the police. He’s always back the next day.
You want to know why the US has so many gun owners? Come live in my neighborhood or my city and you’ll know why. I have parts that live in fear and others that are not. I guess you can get used to anything if exposed to it long enough. But I don’t sleep well, hardly at all, and I don’t feel safe. But poor and disabled in Flint, MI is common. No one cares in my family except my son. My extended family knows I live in a dumpy trailor park in a hogh crime area in one of the most violent cities in the US. Who cares? Some of them do, too. I’m just grateful to have a place to stay and insurance for therapy. The rest? You get used to it whether you like it or not..
This is first a reply to the trauma that you experienced Kathy. I think that you did the right thing in reporting your neighbour. You may have survived his terror on you but that does not mean that others have/will. Someone who has conducted himself in this manner is probably NOT a first time offender. While we might be survivors, we all should be mindful that others may not survive the abuse of such folks. This is not to say that we can all do this sometimes or have been able to do this in the past. Indeed, when you are a child you are defenceless and we all carry those children parts with us into childhood. But, if one of our older, stronger insiders can take over and report such abusers, then go for it.
Now, Laura I just send you my positive thoughts and energy. I so wish you could find a way to get help. Staying in touch here is a super positive first step. You are never alone here.
If I was in the states I would have called the police immediately, and as some one mentioned hold the phone up so they could hear him raging etc….
. When I stated having flashbacks, and really falling apart, which might be called coming together as well, though it didn’t feel like it at the time. I wasn’t able to work, though I have a pension from the mental health field, and will receive social security in another year.
. Long story, but have been living in Mexico for the last 5 years. I am very isolated here, and have found no professional that I feel could help me, or even deals with did. My scariest thought is that I will never be able to be out. I have only told two people about my situation, and one didn’t believe me and the other used it against me.
. I miss living in my own country, not being able to afford it now, not knowing if I could even work half time, or what I would want to do. I have good health insurance, would like to be able to talk to someone or be in a group. Or just be real about who I am, a multiple and have it be o.k. In my experience I think it scares people, and they would rather not know , and then your rejected yet again.
. I don’t want to be invisible and shut out from being able to be honest, and excepted.
. There is a group that holds a conference every year and I’m hoping to make it to that this coming year.
. Also I have had for at least eight years someone internally that kicks me in my low back, that I have not been able to reach yet. So there is still interior violence going on. That doesn’t scare me though, except if I’m not able to be freed from it ever, is a scary thought.
. Thanks for letting me share. And I think you did what you felt was right at the time, and what more is there. Glad your safe. Mosaic
Thanks for a response, it helped me feel heard and understood!
I am glad that you feel heard and understood here Laura. I am just starting my journey of understanding having discovered I am DID three and a half years ago. I was in serious denial for a couple of years and found Kathy’s writing to be an important lifeline for me (as well as reading what other folks posted). This website really helped me to understand what I was going through and that I was not alone in my fears, doubts, symptoms, desperation, etc. I have been watching here for three years and feel that this is a safe place to learn, be heard and get help in the healing process.
Wow, thank you ME+WE for such a strong and positive statement for Discussing Dissociation! What a beautiful thing you’ve just said to me!
I am so surprised by what you’ve said because……
1. ME+WE and Kathy B have never met.
2. ME+WE and Kathy B have never spoken on the phone.
3. ME+WE and Kathy B have never emailed each other.
We’ve had no personalized interaction together until maybe this very comment right here. I don’t recognize the name ME+WE from years back, (super cool system name tho!), and I don’t recognise your email. So yes, yes, yes, we all know I’m getting older….. (hahaha), but I’ve got a pretty good memory for remembering things like that, and having some awareness of who I’ve spoken with, especially as you’ve been here reading for 3 years.
So thank you for such a powerfully written reference, because that’s come completely from you and your positive experiences here, and from the helpful info you’ve read by me, AND the other DID survivors.
It’s genuinely meaningful for me to hear that this blog has had such a important role in your healing. That is exactly why it’s here, and thank you so much for letting me know.
AND, of course, I with you the very very very best as you continue in your healing process…. 🙂
Warmly,
Kathy
No we have not met, corresponded or interacted in any way Kathy of a personal nature but you have been with me on my journey of healing for the past three years in a profound and significant way (although you were not aware of it). When I first came to know that I was DID, I was in shock, denial, fear … I searched the Internet for information about what was going on with me. I found some good solid explanations of DID but they were every clinical and cold. Other websites scared the heck out of me with their misinformation, strange interpretations, prognosis and solutions, and others that told me that my condition did not exist.
Then I discovered your website and my head and heart exploded. You spoke with such knowledge, experience and kindness that I could stop crying to read the first few times that I tried to take in your postings. It was like you had looked into my world and saw what was happening … and you believed me, you understood me, you showed infinite empathy for me, you made me laugh, you taught me so much about myself and my insiders, you challenged me and, most importantly, you gave me hope.
So, I have clung to your postings as a lifeline to keep me searching, understanding, working. looking forward … and sometimes, to keep me from not giving up on life completely. I have read and reread your postings over and over again each time like they are new (and sometimes they are depending on who was doing the reading). When I feel lonely and need to know that there are others out there like me and folks who want to help, I come here — my virtual rock, a safe place that I have learned to trust.
I have been trying to find my voice. Like so many of us, I was driven into the darkness of silence as a child. I do not want to be silent any longer. Silence empowers the thieves of innocence. I want to take back my voice, my power for myself.
I have also been thinking for some time that I want to give back to you Kathy and the community here who follow your website. I was gifted so much by your collective wisdom, courage, insight and honesty that I felt it was time for me to step up to the plate and participate. So, last month I think that I made a couple of postings (the memory is dodgy … you all understand) so no, you have not heard from ME+WE before now Kathy. But, I hope that you will hear more from ME+WE in the future so that I may share my voice and offer the same support to others that you have all so generously and anonymously offered to me over the past three years.
With humble gratitude, respect and awe,
ME+WE
So sorry to hear what happened to you. I’m glad you have Joe Bob and that both of you are safe! We might have done the same thing. It would depend on which part we were in. Police have not always been safe . . .
I have delayed answering partly out of shame and partly as i have been fighting for a 7 yr old to be heard. I live beside one daughter who has an extremely angryboyfriend. Regularily he decides to yell, swear and call me names out of the blue and when i complain to the police they do nothing and my daughter defends him!!! She has 2 beautiful daughters age 7 and 4. He has been physical and terrifys them with his anger. She works 2 jobs and leaves them alone with him. This may the 7 yr old had a melt down and told a babysitter everything and how scared she was of the boyfriend. Even though he was reported to child protection they closed the investigation after 1 interview. Good thing though i figured out that if i threaten to call the police he stops but he says things about me to the kids in private. Since may my daughter has the kids stay with me when she works but she still supports the boyfriend. It is traumatic for the 7 yr old to see him and be glared at but we took her camping lots. Since school started and she has a male teacher this yr she has bad panic attacks with tummy aches. We have been talking to her and she has seen the school counsellor and told them everything. The poor girl is in trauma. I make her safe, the animals we have keep her safe. Inside still shakes when they see him or hear his voice or truck, it is hard to live next to someone like that but for her who has lived woth it for 4 yrs we know its harder. We feel hos anger even through walls it is so bad. But our protectors are there too for her and us. Finally today she woke up with a smile and ate, she feels safe with us and for that we are happy. Her mother doesnt see those moments. It was like when a baby smiles at you. Glad you are still here, and keep safe. Thanks to your dog too
We are so happy you are ok and very sorry one of the bad people scared you and joe bob.
Big squeezes to you both
Jardin
Glad you’re ok this time. From now on I strongly suggest you call the police immediately! They are trained for these situations. They will stay on phone with you til an officer arrives.
It was smart staying out of sight. I’m glad they took the report. It helps you in case he goes at it again.
If I was there with you, I would have gotten a bat and gone outside to knock the bastard out. Let him try coming back in your yard, He’d start missing body parts.
Missy
I have a lot to say about this but for now all I have time for is way to go Joe Bob!!! And good for you Kathy for making the report and standing up for your rights as a resident to be safe a free from harassment.
this make me relly sad becas i dont want nobudy to be mene to you
pepol shud be nice to you
i dont want nobudy to hurt you becus you be 1 of the good pepols
my little dog shud go bite that bad man on his ankols
becas that wud HURT and mabe tech him a lesin to be nice
Glad you’re okay! That would have been horribly frightening. His behavior was deplorable and unacceptable, and you were right to file a report to dissuade another occurrence. I’m not sure if in the moment I would have been able to handle it any differently than you did. My voice recorder on my phone has definitely been a useful tool in capturing moments where confusion and fear have prevented me from being 100% present, yet the problem with that is be present enough to find and hit “record.” I added a shortcut on the homepage of my phone to help with that, though.
Your situation reminds me of an experience I had about a year and a half ago with our neighbor. For some reason, our neighbor blamed us for all of their problems, particularly all of the times the police were called out to their house. Not once did we call the police on them despite their often times “odd” behavior. There was one day when I was talking to the husband. He and I cleared the air about a lot of the things she had been telling him that were simply untrue. At the point when she came outside on their porch, he changed the subject to the benign topic of yard work of the shared property (we all rented and were responsible for upkeep). The wife, still standing on their porch listening, became infuriated that her husband would even consider helping out with their share of said yard work and spent the next 10 to 15 minutes screaming in a rage at us about everything she “thought” we had done to her, none of which was true. I calmly walked back inside as soon as she started because neither my boyfriend nor I deserved her rant or her rage. That was one of those baffling moments where, to this day, I don’t understand how or why my boyfriend and I became the source of her paranoia. So glad they finally moved out of that house!
This scare us SO much. it make us member all kinds of bad things. 😟😔
i wish you wuld of called the police kathy.
and them could take that mean bad man away! and put him in jail! becuse he shuld be in jail for being mean to you! if i was there i wuld of gone out and beat him up and yell at hm not to be mean to you! he need to sit in jail and not be free becuse he is a bad man!!!! it dont be ok to be mean to you!!! 😡😡😡😡 i do not like that man!!
tuck
oh my goodness, Big Giant Tuck the Giant Killer !!
Your sweet protective heart is so very precious. Thank you for being on my side. I would never ever want you to go fight a big man, but I certainly appreciate how much you wanna protect me. That just shows your kind heart. You’re a good protector Big Giant Tuck the Giant Killer !!
Big hugs for you,
Kathy
😱
Firstly that must have been scary and traumatic! I am sorry you had to go through that. Secondly, I am so glad you have a nice clever dog to help keep you safe.
I would have been terrified too. I would have done the same as you and froze maybe switched.
You are very brave to call the police I would not have been so brave. I would want to move away.
Far away!!!
We are so glad you stayed safe. Be careful!
Thank you, Barbara. I’m very sure you are braver than you think! I learned many years ago that it’s not a good idea to argue with someone who is too drunk to make sense. It’s one thing to confront a sober person — at least they can think with logic and self control. It’s usually not very smart idea to confront someone who is so drunk they have no capacity to control themselves. That’s just fueling the fire, if you ask me. There certainly are smarter ways to protect ourselves than to heighten the risk of increased violence.
And you’re right — calling the police can be helpful, but it can also lead to other complications, so it needs to be considered carefully. I think long and hard about those decisions, but yes, I am willing to call the police when necessary, and have done so quite a few times in my life.
But oh yeah — REALLY glad to have my dog! He was a goooood boy !! 🙂
Thanks for writing — I appreciate that.
Warmly,
Kathy
My father’s hours-long-several-times-a-week rages in combo with my mother’s naming it “he’s going to kill us” is my original trauma. I’m not as afraid of ANYTHING (including serial killers, rapists and lethal spider bites) as of the haunting fearful memories of my father (then) and his anger. Fear of other people’s *possible* anger or dislike -especially if provoked by me- also triggers me. However, actual anger today I confront immediately. I have once decided to not accept it towards me or towards others.
I would first have yelled angrily back at your neighbour and then called the police if he didn’t back off. If I was too scared to yell back, I would have called and held the phone so that emergency operators could hear him. If I didn’t do any of these out of fear or freezing, I would have either approached the neighbor 1-2 days later or filed a report like you did. The good thing about approaching is that it empowers you. Also reporting does. So good job, you! You did very well, he has NO business yelling at you ever and he should know it.
My sad personal discovery is that tantrum and rage as source of trauma, rarely is taken seriously. I know it because me and my brothers called Swedish 911 and Children’s crisis phone back in the 80’s and 90’s without getting appropriate help. As recent as six months ago a certified psychologist told me I surely wasn’t traumatised due to my childhood experience, as trauma stems from something worse than anger fits, such as beating, war or incest. I know for a fact (because he grabbed and twisted and threatened to break my arm once) that physical violence wouldn’t have made things worse than they already were. Maybe worse in the sense that society would have understood better and me and my brothers would have gotten some decent help, or that my Mom would have got her act together and either left my father or sought help for the two of them.
I understand how terrified you were that night Catie and how you may still feel shaken and unsafe because of what you experienced. Just remember that you did everything right, nothing wrong and that that bad neighbor should NOT have acted the way he did. If you want to tell him that you didn’t appreciate the other night a single bit, you have all the rights in the world to do so. We love you ❤️
Hi A-L –
What a beautiful comment, thank you. I’m so sorry to hear that you had so many many many experiences with rage-trauma. I agree with you completely. Rages are absolutely a form of trauma — no doubt whatsoever — and they need to be taken seriously. And what an inspiration you are! You have survived those horrific childhood experiences, and now learned some really amazing protective and coping strategies. Good for you, because wow – that’s a big change, and what a lot of healing and progress you’ve made!
I appreciate your kind words — thank you so much for reading here. It’s just good to hear from you — I think you’re amazing!
Warmly,
Kathy
🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁
WOW let me start off by saying how relieved we are that you’re ok and thank you for saying that from the get go hahaha.
This entire situation reminds me/us of when our parents (one set of our abusers) stalked us for 3 yrs to find us, then turned up on my doorstep while my husband was at work 1 hr away. They tried every door to get inside and continued to call out to me inside the house. (this lasted 1 hr). I had locked the front doors but i forgot the laundry door out the back coz we’d just been pegging out washing. I had called my husband and told him to come home NOW and i also called 000 when they arrived. I was on the phone to them when my mother entered my house, and stood in the doorway as i tried to close a door to lock myself and my furbaby in a room. I was screaming and screaming at her to get the eff out of our house but she just refused and we weren’t strong enough to slam the door with her entire weight against it… In the end, i was screaming while on the phone with 000 (who, incidentally don’t lift a finger if you tell them the person breaking into your house is blood ralated regardless of your relationship with them or the threat to you)..My dad coaxed my mother back out the front where they waited yelling at me and screaming and crying down the st.
30 mins later, My husband got home and protected us and locked everything again. Then, 20 mins after that the cop showed up. They said i HAD to have a confrontation to tell my parents that i didn’t want contact any more (something they had been told multiple times by cops in the months before before.- Mum played the victim and said i was a missing persons to find out where i was)…|
so we had an altercation. People spewed everything they’d ever been told by our T that we were actually allowed to say (stuff like, we owe you nothing, we don’t have to have anything to do with you and we don’t want to. leave us alone! etc etc) my mother just laughed at us and played the victim as she does. The cop totally bought her story and followed them out of town at my request.
10 mins after the whole thing ended all we could think about was the regrets. Why didn’t we say this or that etc. During the event we were frozen in fear much like you were. We wanted to hide, our protectors wanted to get weapons to defend ourselves but thought better of it because in Australia, its ALWAYS the victim who gets punished for these things. So we hid. Much like you did. We just stayed quiet and spoke when we were forced to. We could only really speak several times because our husband grounded us by squeezing our hand and talking for us, saying things we knew we wanted to say but just couldn’t think of at that moment. We couldn’t have done it without him.
There is literally nothing more disempowering than standing face to face with your abusers and screaming at them and they hear you, see you and refuse. Or laugh at you. There is also nothing more petrifying than an intruder in or around your home either. Regardless of who it is or why they’re there. Its horrifying.
After it, it took us almost 1 yr to get past the initial trauma responses and we are still extremely hypervigilant when we hear someone knocking at the door. Even just typing this i’m shaking.
I know exactly how you felt in your home that night. I’m just glad it wasn’t night time for us when they showed up.
You were very brave Kathy and yes you absolutely did the right thing. I know what you mean when you say you didn’t think to get proof in the moment. I was on the phone with the cops and i still didn’t think to film my mum inside my house, and now because of that, i have no way to press charges and have no legal standing. And because shes blood relative and has never written or verbally threatened my life etc no court will grant me a restraining order.
I can’t think of anything that you or I could’ve done differently. You protected yourself and your furbaby and did everything you could. As did we. But it doesn’t stop the traumatization happening does it? The sense of having absolutely no power and of being a helpless child and that no matter what you do, nothing will stop it and nobody is coming to help you.
I’m glad you filed a police report, i am actually surprised they allowed you to do it. I too have done this and got my local cop to put a red flag against my name in their system so every time i ever come up cops see that. They see she is a threat to me and my health and potentially violent. Its really not much peace of mind given that she know’s exactly where we are but we are moving again soon so hopefully things feel safer after that…
As for you, i don’t know what else you can do other than make a plan in your head and repeat it a thousand times till it becomes like a mantra and a procedure to do if/when he does it again. We had done that with our T and hubby and it’s the only thing that helped us survive the day and know what to do. The fact that we, ALLLL of us, had the plan. Knew the plan and acted it out. Kinda like fire drills at school.
Oh and yes i absolutely would report an angry rager to the cops regardless of where he or she lives or is at the time. Even moreso if they are around my property. I’ve also installed security camera’s around my home so i can see who’s outside before i even get out of my chair. And so i have proof should we ever need it.
We would have been petrified right there alonside you lol. It would take months for us to get past something like that and we think you are very very brave and did a great job staying cool and level headed in the situation. Especially given how potentially explosive he was. You’re very very right. That kind of behaviour is not ok. EVER!
Sorry this is so long. THis post really hit a nerve for us but was also helpful to know that other people in similar situations as we went thru do think the same things as us. Did we do enough? Did we act fast enough? Why didn’t we lock ALL the doors? What would i do next time? What could i do if it got more heated? How will i defend my 2 furbabies now. (my parents tried to befriend and then grab my furbaby when they got here- for that i WOULD absolutely have gotten more violent. Cos, mess with my baby and you’re messing with the wrath of an entire system of protectors lmao)
Amazing comment, Astrie. You’re on a roll, lol! I decided to share my story because I knew some folks here would surely relate to it, but wow !! Your story is huge. Pushing people outside the door and fighting to get doors closed — that’s an absolute nightmare. I think YOU did amazingly good to find the courage to fight back and to be so strong so suddenly and so quickly. It’s not like these things are planned ahead of time — they drop on ya unexpectedly. So well done you for all you were able to fight for with that huge of battle on your hands. Your system folks must have all gathered together and stood strong with each other. I didn’t hear any wobbles in what you said, so yeah… it seems that the all of you / most of you were in agreement. Look at what you could accomplish when you work so well as a team !!!
And yes… it takes a long time to overcome the traumatic side to this. For you, it would attach to all kinds of history, and years of other traumatic experiences. But this time… remember that you won. You kept your boundaries. You pushed them back. You had them escorted out of town. You held your own, and you found other people to help you. Reframe this whole thing. They came and tried to action their plan, but they failed, because they had to leave without you. YOU won, not them.
Keep working at your healing and your boundaries because YOUR safety matters. I definitely think you won, because they were escorted out of town, and you got to claim your own home, so …. lots and lots of battle wounds, there’s no doubt, but I think you are the victor !! Three cheers for you !! 🙂
Stay safe, and very very well done.
Sending high five’s your way!!
Kathy
Thanks Kathy, we’d never really looked at it like that. You’re right, we did all work together, of course we fell apart after and had the massive guilt trip and it still haunts me to this day to see the look of devastation on my dads face when we said we wanted nothing to do with them. His words will forever be burned into my system, its broken the little boys’ hearts but it had to be done and we HAD to protect the little’s. Even if some of us didn’t believe it was right to be so mean to ones parents, we were all in agreeance that nobody would ever get their hands on (metaphorically or physically) our little’s ever again. and THAT was what we actioned in the moment. Protecting the innocents.
Thanks for re-framing it for us, its really helped a ton 🙂