Have you ever had this experience?
When you know you are DID, and you know you have inside people, and AFTER they are used to having time to come out, to talk, to be heard, and to express their feelings, THEN you get into some social situation where all your insiders have to tuck back inside again?
I’m referring to times when your inside people no longer get to present in the outside world, and no longer get to speak or play or talk or interact with their outside world, especially after they are quite used to be out and about. When they suddenly have to keep secrets or worse yet, when THEY have to be secret again.
What is that experience like for you?
I think it must be very hard, and extremely difficult.
It’s even more difficult than trying to put a sleeping bag back inside its bag, or re-packing an overly full suitcase, or blocking off the flow of a river. Once everyone knows they can come out, it’s quite difficult to get everyone back in.
It was hard enough for everyone to stay tucked inside before they were recognized and welcomed into the outside world. Growing up “as a secret” and staying hidden deep inside is a normal early-days way of being DID. For years, even decades, many insiders were not allowed the freedom to come out, and were only triggered out for traumatic events and painful circumstances. It wasn’t safe to be out, and staying tucked inside away from more trauma and abuse would have felt much better than venturing out into the outside world.
That was then, and this is now.
Hopefully, your outside safety has greatly improved, and hopefully, your current day is not filled with ongoing trauma or abuse.
Hopefully, your insiders are starting to experience good things in the world, pleasant experiences, and cool stuff. They might even have some fun every now and then!
Through the healing process, DID insiders typically start being welcomed out into the world, they begin to have positive experiences, they create their own interests and activities, and they begin to build their own life in the everyday here and now. This is the good stuff — that’s how it’s supposed to be — having all kinds of positive Corrective Emotional Experiences (my favorite term), and learning to enjoy life.
So being told “Get back in your box, now!” — WOW! That’s a completely different situation when your inside people are quite used to have their own outside time, their own outside space, and their own outside activities. To lose that freedom of life and expression feels extremely hard, painful, traumatic, and impossible.
For a busy and active plural system of people, to suddenly be told to “Be Quiet” or “You’re not allowed to talk anymore” or “You can’t be here right now” can create all kinds of system struggles. It can trigger up old feelings, and be a reminder of bad memories.
This situation can happen innocently enough when there are guests in your home, or when you start a new job, or when there is a disagreement with your therapist, or if you have a conflict with a friend, or if you are meeting a new therapist, or it’s time to go back to a busy semester of school. Obviously, when you are visiting family or around folks who were your abusers and perpetrators, your insiders will try to run and hide deep inside. There are all kinds of reasons for insiders to suddenly lose their “privacy”, or personal space, or freedom to talk.
What can you do?
How does this situation feel to you and your inside people?
What has helped you and your system when this happens?
Stuffing your insiders back deep inside will not feel comfortable or okay, especially after they are used to having freedom and creative expression. Your people have learned to enjoy freedom, and good for them!
To prevent the building pressure and emotional blockages, try some of the following ideas. It’s important to keep some options of expression open and available for your people.
Also, focusing some time and attention on what your insiders need and want, even if they can’t be out in the outside world, will help them to know that YOU haven’t forgotten about them either. They won’t be happy about being ignored, displaced, thrown away, or abandoned, so if you are sure to create some viable options for them, that will help to address their emotional needs to stay connected with you.
Here are a few ideas to try.
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Be mindful of the situation, and recognize the strong emotional impact it will have on your insiders. No one likes having their freedom taken away, and feeling restricted or contained or gagged or silenced could be very triggering for your insiders. And if you are feeling triggered, or internally upset, it’s best if you can at least understand why and where that’s coming from.
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Talk to your inside people about the situation and their feelings. Maintain your own internal communication and be sure to listen to your people. Even if they can’t present outside, it’s still important to keep talking to them on the inside. Make extra time to talk with each other every single day.
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Explore other options and other places where your insiders can be safely outside while you are waiting for your overall situation to change or improve. Giving your insiders ways to still be themselves will be important. Where can they go to get a few minutes of safe personal time? Can they go to the park? Can they spend more time in your room where they are allowed to be out? What about walks out on the beach or on a nature path? Can they take the dog for extra long walks? Can you find outdoor places with privacy where your insiders will free okay to visit?
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Develop your internal world to have even more of the good things you enjoy from the outside world. For example, make an inside music room, or an inside playground, or an inside swimming pool, or a super cool tree house, or a sports complex, or a pool table, or a pretty flower garden, or a library, etc. Your inside world is an unlimited resource, so anything that your insiders would like to have, you can create for them on the inside.
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If you need ideas for what to create in your inside world, do Google searches, especially Image searches. Use the key phrases such as “cool places for kids to play” or “tree houses” or “pretty gardens” or “kids activities” or “rainy day activities” to get some new ideas that will work for your insiders.
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Make a list of the work and changes you’ve needed to do in your internal world, and use that time to focus lots of energy on doing those inside jobs. Read the articles in the “Therapy Homework” category here on Discussing Dissociation if you need some ideas.
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Focus on some reading you need to catch up on, including books or articles that your insiders wanted to read. Or, encourage your insiders to do more writing and journalling while they need to be externally quiet. Writing exercises, writing poetry, writing stories, etc could have great emotional value and also be an option for expression. Staying busy with quiet activities of their choosing will help pass the time, but also make good use of the time while your insiders can’t be out and about.
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What about using the time to watch tv shows or videos that have personal meaning for your system? Even if your insiders need to be externally quiet, have a movie marathon of their favorite television shows could be very important — it’s like being recognized, feeling comforted, and spending time with old friends.
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Listening to music that connects with your inside people will also give your insiders ongoing recognition, and help meet their emotional needs. Music can be a very powerful tool for healing and for expression, so you might need to let the music do the talking for awhile.
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Give your insiders some creative art projects as an alternative to outward expression. This can mean anything from drawing, sketching, painting, or collage. And if your insiders aren’t able to show artwork outwardly, can they create images or edit pictures or make collages on your computer? Computer artistry can be more private than external artwork, and creating visual graphics could be a fantastic form of expression.
Many times, in these kinds of situations requiring external privacy, your insiders may agree with the need for them to be tucked deeply inside, even if they don’t actually want to be there. They may full well understand why it’s best for them to not be outside and visible to outside people. They may not argue with the premise of them needing to be tucked back inside. They might not feel safe about being seen either, and they might not want to talk.
However, even if they are in agreement with this situation, it will still be in your overall best interests to acknowledge that it’s not ideal for them, and to create as many other alternatives as you can.
Tending and caring for your system is crucial for your healing, no matter what.
Can you relate to this experience?
What have you found helpful in these situations?
How do your internal people react to be told to be quiet and stay inside?
I wish you the best in your healing journey.
Warmly,
Kathy
Copyright © 2008-2018 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
This is rylie and wendy we are 11 and 10 .
So we came to reply to this post but then we saw some of us have already replied a few times. The replies probably are from a few years ago we’re guessing. So we wanted to do a updated reply of ways we have learned to do something a little different.
We have been stuck on our couch for over 2 weeks recovering from surgery.. and its summer time. So cadens friends are all gone / on vacation , and family is too busy. So we are going crazy being alone all the time.
Also the man is home so we cannot just be out talking to each other like we usually do when we are alone. We have to keep ourselfs and all our talk inside until after he goes to bed at 9:30.
We gonna try right now to express our feelings: here is what we be feeling the past 2 weeks. Okay the past few months, 😵💫🫥🤯🤪😳
So we feel completely trapped and miserable and alone.
Well, we are still having all the old feelings that we have said in other replies to this post. We are having giant overwhelming tidal waves of feelings and emotions because we have a big handful of inside people having some big hard triggers and things. Sow e are still feeling: overwhelmed, sad, tearful, FRUSTRATED,mad, scared, very anvious, worried about a lot of stuff, lonely, grumpy, super depressed. All those feelings are still there.
Oh and also we rescued some inside trash kids the other day to help them, but when they came out, so did ALL of their feelings they been keeping bottled up all these years, all the other feelings we said plus feeling terror.we didnt know that was gonna happen when we rescued them. But it is what it is.
Oh and we be feeling lots of feelings of hopeless and loneliness.
We be feeling like we got SO much stuff unsaid and its all piled up inside of us like how a dam holds back a big water . Or like when a bomb be fixing to explode. Or kinda like when you know a big storm is coming over the horizon and you know its there you just waiting for all the thunder and lightning and tornados to start to explode.
Oh and Caden says our crazy hormones be going nuts from the surgery she just had.
OK SO heres the good part (finally, right?) 👍🏼
(Did that be a decent job of saying our feelings instead of not saying them?) ❓
So in the past we would of spent lots of time self injuring in lots of ways. And we would have yelled at each other. And done stupid stuff.
But this time we havent did none of that. NONE. Not even a little. 😮
Also we have been trying hard to see this stuck on the couch time as helpful. Even though we hate having to rest, caden likes it.
So we been using this time to do TONS of inside work. Lots of hard hard inside work. 🌎
We have rescued some trash kids (they dont like it very much but we did it.)
Tuck has been teaching his team of boys ( who use to all be big mean teenager boys) how to work together better. Them have been working as a group and he talks to them about how to learn to be good while they work.
They made a whole new big part of our inside world that will hopefully help out all of us, They been working all day and all night on it for a week and theyre so tired but they have got a lot done.
We all have been doing lots lots lots. It have been really really hard and emotional and tiring. But since we have this time stuck on the couch, we be USING it to be productive inside.
We think it be safe to say that we have never worked harder in our life on fixing and helping inside stuff.
So, that is how this reply be different from our other old replies.
Hopefully this can show that we have learned to do some better things. Even though our feelings be awful and we be miserable with them we also be very productive and trying super hard to make good choices and use our time better. 🔅
Hi MissyMing and all your insiders 🙂
You all have a tremendously hard time with work. I am so impressed that you go back day after day and continue to try so hard to figure it all out. I want to give yous a big shout out and virtual hugs for your determination and tenacity. Yous do good work.
I want to reach out to all of you. All of you. I remember when we first started trying to talk “past the fronts” to everyone inside. It was weird. But, if the fronts can just let it be okay a moment I want to see if we can “broadcast” a message to everyone inside. I learned how to broadcast internally a long time ago. It helps so much in getting everyone inside to listen. I got a bullhorn, turned around in my mind, and spoke to everyone softly and kindly. If you can understand this, I hope you can try it now. Even though it’s kinda weird, we put that aside, and I calmly and clearly started talking to insiders I couldn’t see but knew where there. I asked them to be silent and still a moment, while I am talking.
What I want to tell everyone is…It makes perfect sense yous get overwhelmed. If yous can really listen in on what I am saying, I hope to help all of yous. It sounds to us, when we are reading your fronts posts, that you alls could use some help organizing the “who, what, when, where” needs you have to feel safe in the outside world. It is so much different (in a good way) than what you know, or what you are used to. It used to be that every single one of you must be waiting for something to happen like what had happened before. But, life in the outside world has changed. It’s a very good thing that it did. It’s confusing, for sure.
Every single one of you are needed and necessary. You matter and you are loved and you are valid.
Outside life can be busy, chaotic, and overwhelming. You need people to figure out who inside can help with the inside world while the fronts work. That makes sense and it’s okay. You have many people who guard yous while the fronts are working. That is good. You need guards. It can get really hard for guards though. They have to pay attention to out here while trying to not act out their fears or the fears they are feeling that are coming from further back in your system. Yous also need others to do other things while the guards do their jobs and the fronts do their jobs. So, with that in mind, I hope some of the older people inside, the people who have connections to the closer-to-out-here people, can come together and hash out some plans.
So the “Who, what, when, where” I was talking about…
The “Who” will be caretakers. The insiders who can be brave and calm the scared ones while the fronts and guards and observers do their jobs. Maybe think of this as a relay team. A few layers of people taking care of all of you and buffer the littles from overwhelm of outside world. The “When” is When the body is at work, or in similar situations and not everyone needs to be “up”. It’s okay.
We have Harmony, who is the leader of the internal helpers. The “What” is that She organizes all the groups of people inside and takes care of scared littles. We have a school house inside. While the fronts are doing something that creates fear for our insiders, Harmony will take them away from knowing about it and teaches them how to play, how to read, how to learn. It distracts them and gives them some peace, and they learn good and healthy things. They began to think of it as their “part-time jobs” Their regular jobs are put on hold for a while. Most our littles didn’t know that was okay or even how to do it. It will take team effort, and lots of insiders are gonna need to want to help out.
The fear and anxiety the fronts are feeling is coming up from so many insiders being scared they will have to front and do their old jobs. This is creating overwhelm and the fronts are tired. Yous all need to get a group together that can help with this. It would help so much, both inside and outside.
I am still “talking past the fronts” and broadcasting to everyone inside…
You have done an amazing job at your jobs. Nobody wants to go away or be forgotten. You are needed and necessary. You can help each other inside. Some of yous more than others. Please find a group who can understand what I am saying, that can see and hear each other, who can find ways to work together to distract the scared littles and give them “part time jobs” while the fronts are outside working, and that will benefit the whole system.
It’s very possible. You don’t have to do anything perfectly. You can try. And try again. And again, until yous hash out something that works for your unique system.
I hope this is helpful to all of you.
Take Care Of Yous
Thanks, KenKen….we have been so overwhelmed with work “unknowns” and upheavals we don’t know where we are at – except hanging on emotional survival….We are on our way to work again and could only skim this fast….we are interested in what you were saying but can’t process right now….you were describing a system that must be the way ours needs to be…but we seem to be horrible with Inside communication and so many parts we are still only faintly aware of but can feel the impacts of their fears….we can sense them – but only barely see them….definitely don’t know what to do with them…..”ignoring” them causes internal chaos…..
We thank you for seeing our “determination and tenacity”…..we just see “chaos and failure” in progress….work has wiped out all our Internal space and trying to explain it all in sessions wipes out our session time….so we get nowhere in getting to the root of things…..and parts STILL will NOT allow us to take “vacation time”…..it triggers off massive walls and panic that we can’t figure out how to push past……
We will read your info again as soon as we can….right now they are all in chaos….how come “I” never can have any answers for their tons of questions……so many are SO on guard…..WHERE is it all coming from?….a journey that seems to be taking forever…..but we take a deep breath and keep trying to work our way through it all…..We didn’t use to be SUCH a mess…..Sometimes T tells us we “think” too much….We keep saying, “We are NOT thinking! It’s coming from our “gut”…NOT our “brain”….We HEAR it…” (if THAT makes any sense to anybody)….My sister says the same thing….SHE knows what I am talking about…..
T tries to remember we “hear” things differently than she does…..
Thanks again, KenKen….
MissyMing
08/18/20
We got to read your reply again…trying to take it all in….it totally makes sense – just figuring out how to make it happen for us is the biggie……
Yup – we seem to have a lot of on guard ones – or else a few who do an exceptional job….It is mostly the young ones who have surfaced in session – except Rage who usually ends up turning on me…..being “heard” has at least lessened the frequency of those times….
Yup – they all think it is their “job” – and there are overlapping layers of what happens if you DON’T do your job (or what your are “supposed” to do)….We do have a young one who “loans” us her “eyes”……She stays close to the surface because we are often in a Catch-22 at work….(We clean a school)….We are supposed to clean and disinfect all areas – but those areas also include teachers and administrators desk areas….Which we KNOW we are NOT supposed to “look at” stuff…..but we HAVE to clean what we can….the Internal conflict can be INTENSE and the confusion and fear can almost send us over the edge…..so a young part who cannot read stays close to the surface while we work….when we have to deal with those “dangerous” areas – she steps up and affects our eyes….We CANNOT read anything – it all looks like lines that make no sense to our brain….She stays there until we are completely away from the area and keeps watching to help us…..Probably her being so close to the surface so much just puts a crack in the door for us to feel those other young parts as well…..
We sense that there IS a lot of stuff coming from “further back in the system” – we just don’t know what it is or what to do with it – nor do we have the time and space to try to see and understand…..we are just day by day surviving work……
We have seen an “older part” who is sitting at a desk at the head of a “classroom” – but she often looks like she is totally overwhelmed – (head in hands) with the classroom in chaos from different ages and levels of parts…..One big “connection” that they seem to have is a GREAT need for “concrete answers” – they all seem to have different degrees of fear of “hidden plans and discussions being made about them and nobody will tell them what is going on”….or a great fear of “being deceived” – which causes an inability to feel “trust”…..This older part has tried to get “concrete answers” from Outside Her – but when Outside Her tries to get “answers” – it all backfires in her face and we get called (or considered) “too sensitive” or “paranoid”……Soooo – we are ultimately “stuck”….We have often watched “Sister Act II” with Whoopi Goldberg – trying to get ideas on how to reach a chaotic classroom……!!!
Yup – Outside Her is overwhelmed and very tired – chaos on the Outside and “unmet needs” on the Inside….Plus – with Outside Her’s “drive” to keep working no matter what (“doing her job”) – it tends to get taken advantage of which causes Rage to get ticked off….Once in a while when we find out we have to do something at work we didn’t know we were “supposed” to do…Rage has commented to our supervisor – “What are you trying to do? Kill us?”….(comes from our “gut” to our mouth before brain even knows it happened – ugh)….Boss just looks at us like we are “weird”…..We have been at our limit of “unused vacation” hours for going on a year now – 400 hours”….more being “earned” – but not “counted” because we are capped off)…..but we can’t make ourselves take any of it…too much panic involved….walls and panic……
We take “sick time” when we get to the point of physical or emotional collapse….that is “allowed” because then a “superior” (Dr or T) says we are to do it……(We are such a mess..)..
We will keep trying to improve Internal Communication – but what we think we mainly need is “space” to work on it….but we don’t know how to get it yet…..
Thanks for all your input, KenKen…you have given us some directions to aim for!! Thanks!!
MissyMing
08/19/20
We going crazy!!! We need to do sumthing FUN,,🙁 to much time being sqwisht inside
We be back to school and being stuck inside caden all day makes us so bord!! But the nice part be every day at lunch time and rigt after school her lets us watch a fun movie or get up and dance arond the living rom and also go outside. It dont be for very long cuz her got so much work to do but it be nice that her lets us do little things 🙂
Outside Her is floundering because she doesn’t know how she is to “be”….too many sudden Outside changes that leave her not knowing what to do or what is expected of her…In times like this, we need REALLY clear-cut directions and expectations and everyone is just beating around the bush and giving no answer….We leave meetings more confused than when we went in….. we are bouncing a LOT which has put a “crack in the door” for parts to bubble up at really bad times…our new boss has shut down on us….our constantly trying to “explain” why we do what we do has made people look at us really “weird” and shut down on us – which, of course, sends us snowballing in even more directions….parts are desperate to be heard which wipes out common sense in normal life (like – we walked past the receptionist to ask the boss a question and started in babble mode….NOT good….WHY did we do that?…We don’t do stuff like that….)……
We are a numb, scared mess…..How can you be so disconnected numb and a scared mess at the same time – it boggles the brain…..parts are super on-guard and alert for all body language – which only causes more unanswered Inside questions……T is trying to help us before we go into bottoming out mode….suggested that maybe the on-guard parts could also be neutral “observant watchers” of what is going on Outside…..freaked us all out…..too terrifying to NOT be on-guard…..We see parts falling to the floor wailing from fear and overwhelm – but we can’t connect to them….we don’t know how to help them…..We are having a rough time……
We feel like we are in a HUMONGOUS maze and can’t find our way out…….All we can do is hang on and wait for things to settle down……
MissyMing
08/12/20
Guess I needed to read this article again….maybe that is what is happening….between parts surfacing in my face and Rage speaking Inside more clearly, it is causing me to be more outspoken – causing predicaments at work…..Awareness of the parts NEEDING to be heard has caused me to be more “brave” in reaching out…but then because the parts are so close to the surface it makes me super aware of every angle of the hearer’s body language which causes retreat……in other words – NEEDING to be heard vs panic at the same time about what we “see” in the person we are talking to…..I reach out with a request (being brave to help the parts) – but then panic and say, “Never mind – ignore the request”…..
I lose my ability to determine what is “safe” and what is not and end up “bouncing” between perspectives…..Not fun – since I just “proved” to them – AGAIN – that there is something “wrong” with me….
Maybe what we just said doesn’t apply to this article?….Gee! Wish I could figure out where were are at…..
MissyMing
08/07/20
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Pretty soon school is going to be starting again and we hate it! Because we will have to be stuck inside all day long again. Stuck in a classroom and stuck inside a grown up!! It be so boring!! It dont be fun at ALL. we like the summer so much better. we be able to play. we be able to talk out loud. we hate having to pretend to be a grown up all day long. it make everybody so much stressed out inside!!
The 1 nice thing about this lock down be no school. and so we dont got to be at work all day. and so we have more freedom. it gonna be HARD when it be time to go back to work this year!!! it gonna be hard to be stuffed inside. and hard to get used to.
We be so trapped.
We stuck in the house with a man all day.
We dont get to come out to play.
We dont get to talk out loud.
We have to seem like a grown up all the time.
But the grown up say her dont no what els to do to help.
And her so deprest her lay and watch tv all day.
It be so borring!!
It remined us of so many bad things.
Even tho we no those did be a long time ago.
We still have to do the same pretend.
Home dont be safe. Home be trapped.
We dont no when we ever gona be abol to be our selfs again. probally not for a long time.
We feel like we in jail.
we hate to be stuck in side! 😠🥺it dont be fare! we been stuck on this couch and been sick for 5 days and nobudy to talk to on the out side and we be so lonley. and we dont be abol to get up and do things we want to becuse this stupid body wont cooprate!!
we got TO MUCH INSIDE US! to much feelings to much talk to much memerys to much had stuff to much!!! 🌪 it feel like we got a volcano 🌋 inside us and we trying so hard to hold it in so it dont errupt!! 🔥 outsie pepol dont even here us any more 🥺 we so mad and sad and frustratid and weryd. we wish we culd be in heven.
Hi Pilgrim Kids,
So sorry that you have been sick and forced to stay inside. The body needs to heal and that can sure be hard on folks who feel trapped inside. Maybe you can make some fun things inside like pony rides or swings or a beach to play at or something else that would be fun for you and so you do not have to think about all of the bad stuff.
ME+WE
04/01/19
Oh KenKen and MultipleMe! Thank you so much….I knew that I had written something somewhere with a question I had but I couldn’t remember what article it was or anything about my question….have been searching article titles for anything that might ring a bell in me….I finally found you!
KenKen – I am so sorry you are going through similar situations like mine – but I am so glad you understand me….the Catch 22’s of these situations are so hard to deal with….I know about not being allowed to stand up for myself – being told to “shut up” was a frequently heard phrase from my father – and if I didn’t obey – who knows what the consequences would be…I totally identify with the powerless feeling….but this “confusion” thing is making the situation feel even harder…waves – like a fog – of questioning whether my “perception” of the situation is correct (but most likely “wrong”)….a “fog” that confuses and makes me believe that I must be “imagining” the situation – which then leaves me unable to take any kind of stand against it….The only way I am able to attempt anything is when Rage is “in my face” about it and I no longer care about “unknown consequences”……to be Internally bounced around in so many extremes is hard and exhausting…….Thank you for reminding me that just because I Internally react strongly to what I am sensing – it doesn’t mean that there is “nothing” there on the Outside….A trigger takes place because there IS something there….
Yes….I need to practice taking deep breaths and “calmly” saying what I need to say….if I could just get rid of these waves of confusion so I could even figure out what it is I need to say! Thank you for your encouragement! I have even documented on paper what I have seen so it would be in black and white for me to see….but it still feels like I am “imagining” it…..I can’t seem to even grasp the reality of bottom line facts….it just stays a “fog” to me……
And MultipleMe…thank YOU! I do vent a lot in my therapist’s office….parts have come forward and have left me exhausted with the intensity of their emotions – usually Rage……my therapist has been a Godsend to me as I plow through all the triggers……I will have to try and see if I can find any other parts who can help in my work situations …. so far I have either been so numb I don’t feel anything – and then I am aware of parts angry because I am not “seeing” what is happening ….or I am extremely confused and foggy and can’t confront the situation ….or I am trying to keep Rage swallowed down so words that are NOT me won’t come out……Thank you for your ideas….I will have to take a bigger look Inside!
Does anyone else get weird “fogs” like that? Any ideas as to where does something like that comes from?
Finally have an idea of what has been happening to me…couldn’t understand why I am such a mess now at my age after having gotten through so much of life…but looking back I can see where “parts” have come out during times of extreme stress….
Guess that’s why one time I ended up putting myself into a hospital (at the police officer’s STRONG suggestion) after I suddenly left my “husband” and traveled cross country determined to find a rapist who had attacked me 20 years earlier (early 70’s) – he was let go before I even got to identify him – he told the police I had “asked for it” and they believed him….. I wanted to know “why” he did that to me…..
I was diagnosed as Borderline and then checked myself out – (declaring myself all fixed!) – after I was told that I had married a man – (or thought I had) – who was 21 years older than me …The Dr told me I was trying to “fix” my relationship with my father……I didn’t know what he was talking about – but figured I was fixed and went on with life until the next “bottoming out”…..
I left that “husband” after it finally sunk into me how emotionally abusive he was to me…..if he had “hit” me I would have known what to do (I had promised myself that no man would ever hit me again)….but I couldn’t recognize emotional abuse…besides the fact that he was great at giving me lectures on how I “imagine” things and “twist” things…..
“Parts” had been momentarily surfacing here and there for decades – I just didn’t know they were “parts”…….Soooo, I’m not suddenly a mess NOW…just finally seeing what has been there all along!
Been hearing at times statements (NOT my normal words!) coming out of my mouth out of the blue – which I am trying to learn how to control..(since I am not fired yet, I don’t think any work Outsiders have heard it)…I know it mostly comes from Rage who is extremely sensitive to anything that looks like deception or manipulation…and I am seeing a lot of it from a particular person on my job…..It is extremely triggering for me and leaves me in a fog wondering if I had just imagined all of it or not – OR – if I should just go find another job…but I desperately need this pay and the insurance….
I try to push the turmoil (ie Rage and other parts) down so I won’t feel anything….but then often end up with “Internal volcanoes” going off…..don’t know which is worse – hearing it come out on the Outside OR feeling the turmoil of it on the Inside…If I push down, I can feel parts angry because i am not “listening” to them….but I can’t tell if all the anger is coming from only hidden Inside stuff – or if it also legitimately applies to the Outside present situation….The moment I walk out of the door after work – the confusion sets in and I don’t know what was real and what wasn’t……
How do you get parts to stay Inside when something on the Outside is triggering them so bad? It is not a “physical safety” situation – more like “emotional safety”…….How do you figure out what amount of it is only from a “past” that is evidently still hidden….and what amount legitimately applies to “present”……? The actions of this particular co-worker don’t really bother anyone else …or so it seems. A few surface corrections are made here and there …. which only last a single shift ….and then the co-worker is back to her old ways…..So, maybe it IS just all in my head and I am being too sensitive…but the Internal Rage continues…….
Oh well! I’ll figure it out somehow…..I did try to tell a couple of supervisors what I was seeing…but their response was “Don’t…tell me….” I can’t remember the other words they said because the only ones that struck me were “Don’t tell” which set off a whole new ballgame of Inner Turmoil…..plus – while I was standing in front of my supervisor – I suddenly slapped my hand over my mouth and felt like a panicky little kid….soooooo not fun…..
How do I end up looking like a competent adult like that…?????
Hi MissyMing, I want to reply to your work situation here…
It’s not all in your head. It’s not all you. Maybe you are being triggered and the current situation feels bigger than it would be if you didn’t have past issues interfering. But that doesn’t mean what is happening right now is just a “nothing”, all in your head, you creating problems, etc etc. Sounds to me like you feel powerless. Someone is doing something, probably on purpose cuz they know they are getting to you and they dont care, but there is nothing you can say or do to push back. You were bothered enough by it to go to your supervisors that ignored you and made you feel powerless. That whole issue is huge, in my opinion. I can understand why Rage is up front. The way I see it is the co-worker needs counseled and have actions to get her to change her behavior, and your supervisors need to be fair and considerate and helpful. And it sounds like none of that is gonna happen. So, what do you do when you feel powerless. For me, Rage comes up. I want to stand up for myself (and others) and push back against rude and condescending and purposefully hurtful people, too. Usually I get the same you got. And Rage builds. My T says I need practice saying what I need to say. It should be ok for me to push back and stand up for myself…and learn. It’s something I was never allowed to do. I swallowed the anger and blamed myself and felt tremendous amounts of shame because I allow others to hurt me in all kinds of ways. I never fought back. So now I have to learn how to push back on rude and mean people, and adjust the volume, and adapt. Find your voice. You are not wrong. If you push back and it gets a little messy or scary, dont give up or give in and think that you are bad or wrong. You are not. You need practice. That’s okay. It is scary. Really scary. But to find your voice and your power you have to start practicing somewhere. I hope this helped. I can understand it because I am going through it with several different people in my life right now, too. What you think, how you feel, what you need to say MATTERS.
Hi MissyMing,
Wow it sounds like you’ve been processing a lot of stuff. That’s good work from what I understand.
I’ve had similar work situations in the past. Not my current job, mind you, thankfully, but in the past I have. First of all, let me say it’s not you. You’re most likely picking up on some negative behaviors on the part of your co-worker like you’ve said, so just remember there’s nothing “wrong” with you. Second, there is a way to work with your parts to help triggers and such. I’m not an expert, mind you, and I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but I just wanted to share what I’ve learned from therapy and reading and whatnot.
Basically, triggers will happen. That can’t be helped necessarily because of what we went through unfortunately. But what CAN be helped is how we work together to handle them. When parts get triggered and you’re struggling with them coming out, maybe work together with them to negotiate an agreement of sorts. An agreement that you will absolutely let them express their feelings, whatever they are, but that at work, it’s not time or safe to do so. Then definitely allow them to come out later to express themselves whether it’s at therapy or in a safe way, like through journaling or by doing a collage or other means. I hope that makes sense, because I’m not always good at explaining stuff. I’m still learning how to do this, but when we have been able to, it works really well for us.
I think that you are on the right track though. I can’t imagine going to a supervisor and mentioning bad behavior of a co-worker. How brave of you! You advocated for you all and that’s very important. It’s just important to let your parts know that they’re feelings are valid, you want to hear them, but that it’s not safe or appropriate for them to voice them at work.
I’m looking forward to what others think.
MultipleMe
9/15/18
out side dont be safe aney more
we be trapt
it feel like jale
Piligrim
What will help to make it safe? Do you not feel safe in your home either or just outside your house?
What if its not safe to talk outside yet ? And learning those red flags when first learning ? ..
Parts step forward not knowing how to go back ? To be able to parent outside kids?
Some talk inside and then disclose to the wrong part , and get punished or bullied, when alot of parts talk over others it creates crisis , or like another expressed apart to throw up frustration
Learning to slow down to understand the disorder more to be a bit more stable to do the big work .
Teens lately want to run the ahow because like another part seen some hate boyfriend , some dont , its a huge battle ..
😫☹️ we dont want to go back in side!!!!
school be starting on monday
that make caden all strest out and crazy and when we go back her get so busy
that means that tomorrow be our LAST DAY of geting to be out all day
it be the last day we can talk and play and go to the water park just us
on monday we got to stay stuck inside wile caden sits thru meetings all week 😔
and then her allways have to much work to do
WE DONT WANT TO BE TRAPT AGAIN!!!!
we wish we didnt no it be coming 😞
it feel like we going to sufocate 😧
it feel like we need to ter our skin off and ter our hair out
we want to push monday away and make it not come 😬
caden try to let us do some fun things
and we be watching winnie the pooh
BUT THAT DONT MAKE MONDAY STOP COMING. 🛑
we want to scream
her say the world dont be ending dont be so dromatic
but her dont no what it be like to be trapt inside with a hole bunch of kids and have to be quiet and not talk outside and no more playing outside and it gona be harer to talk to are theripist and we gona be so lonley and we gona be so TRAPT
it feel like we going to jail on monday 😢
it make our hearts hurt
Hi Pilgrims kids
One of the things we try to do is have a weekend just for us. None of the outside family is aloud to call or come over. The Shades and doors get locked. So if Any outside people come they would think we were not home. When Joe was alive we did it once a month. Maybe you guys can do something like this . 8/12/18
My (that is a plural “my”) insiders were locked inside nearly 100% for 37 of my 54 years. When they started exploding out around 5 years ago, all hell broke loose and I thought I was headed for being locked up for the rest of my life. Nobody inside is violent toward others–just a few “firefighters” toward us and my body sometimes.
It’s taken 4 years of 2x week therapy with an IFS therapist to have begun to understand my system, and more recently to have developed some compassionate co-consciousness and communication sometimes. I am coming to accept that ALL the parts constitute one system, which is what most people call their “self” but for me is more a constellation with occasional flashes of some overarching consciousness that can guide and direct all to work harmoniously, and recognizes that all parts are there to help me survive–even if some of them are a bit out-of-date on what that means in the present.
I really struggle with the topic you present in this blog post because “I” is most often a fluid switching of manager parts who are deeply invested in appearing “normal” to the outside world. So usually the other parts get locked away and denied. And even when one is allowed to come out, usually when I am alone, or now occasionally with my therapist, the backlash from other parts afterwards is terrible. I get very angry with my system. (Sorry…pronouns are so confusing when DID is here…and one of us was a long-time English teacher!)
So my challenge is how to do some of the nice things you talk about and how to do general self-care, without the nasty aftermath.
Hi Anonymous,
“I am coming to accept that ALL the parts constitute one system, which is what most people call their “self” but for me is more a constellation with occasional flashes of some overarching consciousness that can guide and direct all to work harmoniously, and recognizes that all parts are there to help me survive–even if some of them are a bit out-of-date on what that means in the present.”
How beautifully said!
I have found (for me) that the more I can build communication with my insiders, the more that I have been able to build cooperation with them. So, for example, I have a safe place that I have created with my little ones. When I am going to be presented in a triggering situation (like going to the doctors) or when I feel myself being triggered, I can ask the little ones to go to their safe place. They do not feel locked away or denied because this is a space that we created together and they know it is for them when things are difficult. I have discussed and developed “protocols” with some of my other insiders as well. So, we have an agreement of sorts BEFORE a situation arises that may be triggering to them. I find that, if my insiders have an opportunity to discuss triggers, protocols and solutions, they do not feel pushed away and they do not feel the same need to push back.
ME+WE
02/04/2018
Dear ME+WE
Thank you for responding to my post! I am glad you have built this kind of communication and cooperation among your parts. I really hope that as I get more compassionate communication going, we can manage more agreement and/or cooperation. The internal chaos has wrecked me physically, and my physical wreckage is a constant trigger to parts, so it is quite an internal mess (I call it “Armageddon” sometimes), even though I appear on the outside to be pretty decently put together. I do have a safe place for parts, and most of them have their own place within it…it’s just that the place exists, but there’s no telling whether parts will go to it or not.
But what happens Kathy when a little discloses new info in therapy that shocks the adult me?! Really really struggling this week with this. Can’t eat, can’t sleep. Little wants to say more, I can’t hear any more!! Too distressing!!! Don’t know how to handle it! Little crying….I don’t do crying!! Please help!
Hi Meggy. I’m new to this site and I don’t know how old these posts are or even if you will see my response, or if it will be helpful.
It sounds like you have an adult you. And also another aspect of you that recognizes you have an adult you and little one(s)–like a sort of separate wise consciousness? Can that other aspect of you communicate with the adult you and give it some wise counsel? (Kind of like you might do for a friend who is a parent trying to cope with something terrible that their child revealed to them? What sort of support might you offer to your friend?). Or can your adult part talk to your therapist about what is happening and get the support directly?
I guess the idea comes from the fact that I’m a parent of two mostly grown kids. I have a great part of me that is the “Mom” part. She is adult. Over the years, my kids have had issues that have freaked out my whole system, sending us into chaos, that would just get worse and worse when my children wouldn’t be able to stop talking/calm down etc. Mom part knows that if she freaks, it just makes the child freak more, and then Mom gets overwhelmed and can’t help properly. What Mom needs to do is stay calm until she can process it all later by herself. Mom needs to be there with the child to soothe them, and to remind them that they’re loved and safe with her, and that there is plenty of time to talk about whatever they need to talk about or cry about or get angry about or whatever. But Mom needs to rest and have quiet time too, just as the child does. So sometimes Mom would ask if we could take a break and do something else for a little while, then come back to talking about the problem later.
With my therapist’s help, I have sometimes been able to do something like this with young parts who so often try to show me too much and flood me out totally so that I can’t manage to get back into any sort of adult part. Therapist says to ask a young part to just share a little at a time because otherwise I won’t be able to help them the way they want me to.
Am learning in therapy , safe rooms and spaces arent punishment … maybe guiding into a safe space? Not forcing ?
We really appreciate your articles. We came here because my therapist directed us here. It’s crazy that actually, before I was aware of my DID, we were already doing the things you’re sharing here. We’re glad that we’re not crazy for doing this and that we’re just doing what’s right for us. Sometimes when I walk on the street, I’d put on my earphones and I would talk to my alter. From the outside, it looks like I’m talking to someone on the phone. It’s really annoying when we’re outside and we can’t communicate freely with each other. When we really can’t handle it, I’d just tell people that I do talk to myself a lot. I’ve done it even when I’m outside with a guy I hooked up with. He thought it was cute haha.
Anyways, yeah, I guess to add to your awesome list, maybe putting on earphones and talk to your people when you reaaallly need to talk to them when youre outside might help 🙂
Al,
When I first got married I had no idea my husband had DID. Personally, I really do talk to myself A LOT so at first I honestly didn’t notice when he would have conversations with himself under his breath. (I notice much more now because it is so vital to me to know what they are saying) but your idea of having headphones handy so you can talk to your insiders when you need to and they aren’t able to come out sounds like a good one to me.
Want to say.. we just don’t like some in this system. We are going to destroy them. Destroy them all. We know who causes discontent in the outside world. We know there are some who harm others with words and actions.
We are going to end all that. Because the lovey Dovey way doesn’t work. We are supposed to take this path. And we agree that the insiders don’t belong in the world.
We will put an end to it all,
This is our destiny.
Wow @ME+WE what a great reply thanks for sharing it. I have the same relationship with my alters (well over 100 of them) and i have to say you’re doing a great job! Of course there are bound to be times when it’s not physically, or emotionally safe for some alters to come out but taking care of them and protecting them is what it’s about. And when you work WITH the others life get so so much easier and more fun. I just wanted to say thanks for sharing, and i’m glad to see i’m not the only person who has great success treating their system with such love, kindness and respect. Even in the trying times.
Thank you for your kind comments Astrie. You are the first multiple that I have spoken to (well, virtually here but I already live in another reality so what the heck) and I am rather emotional to be doing so. I was inspired by your posting to this topic to make the leap and post here myself so to have you reply to me … well … that means a lot to me. Thank you.
The paradox of my life is that it feels like such a lonely journey filled with others (although nothing like your number of alters Astrie). To have you all sharing of yourselves so honestly and freely here is incredibly healing and helpful to me. I do not feel so alone. Thank you all.
Hello Kathy,
I have been devouring your immensely helpful articles since being first diagnosed with DID three and a half years ago. Well, that was the first “outing” … the diagnosis came a bit later. Your insights have offered a safe and understanding rock to cling to when I have felt lonely, adrift and scared about what was happening inside of this wonderous mind of mine. You have my humble admiration for the time and devotion that you have given to those of us gifted with DID. A mere thank you seems so wanting to the task of expressing to you my sincere gratitude but, I am afraid, it is all that I have to offer here.
Now, I was compelled to respond here because I feel that it is time that I try to give back to you and those reading here who have unknowing supported me on my journey the past few years. What you have written about here is such an important issue for ME+WE (ME With Extras). The more that I have learned to let go and not try and control my insiders (alters), the more control that I feel that I have gained. This is mainly because in letting go and trusting them, I have shown my insiders the love and respect that I have for them. This has only helped to facilitate more communication and cooperation with them. I find that communication is the key – i.e., endeavouring to communicate with them and taking the time to listen to them. Asking for them to not come out at times that would be dangerous for me and/or them does not come across to them as stifling them or shutting them down but rather as initiating a plan that is best for us all.
On a practical note, I do a few things to try and build this environment of trust and communication.
I spend approximately one hour every morning mediating with them. Here I present myself where they live in our inside world (which happens to be at a beach for most of my insiders). I present myself and allow any of the insiders who wish to speak with me to do so. Some times, if I feel that one or another needs attention or there is something that I would like to know (or at least a topic that I would like to open up a dialogue around), I will approach them. Anything is fair game. They can say what they want. I tell them that I might not always understand or agree with them and I will screw up sometimes in hearing or doing what they think is best but their opinion is always welcomed and always respected … even the more troublesome (to me) of my insiders. So, every day they know that there is a window of opportunity to speak with me where my attention is solely on them. If I need to shut them down during the day, it is not as difficult because they know that there will be an opportunity for them to air their ideas, concerns, grievances, etc. the next morning.
I have created a “safe place” for my little ones where they can go with their pillows, blankets and stuffed animals and be safe from whatever is happening on the outside. We use the safe place when I am entering a situation that I know will be triggering for them or when I feel them out-of-sorts and in need of safety and security or I just need them not to be up-front present for a variety of reasons. This is not shutting them out but rather having them go to a place that we have mutually created so that we can all be safe. I try to help them understand that I need to feel safe sometimes too and sometimes that means that I need them to go to their safe place and play on their own.
There are times when I have to ask for a “time out”. I have one alter who likes to talk all of the time and that can be … well … overwhelming at times. She knows that when I ask for a time out it is not to shut her down or shut her out. It is that I need some quiet time. I emphasis that I love her and want her to be a part of my everyday life but sometimes I need to have a quiet time. I find that knowing that I am asking this out of love and respect for them and a need to care for myself, they understand and are willing to cooperate.
I have tried (emphasis on the word try) to set boundaries with my insiders. I know that we are all potentially present all of the time but there are times when it is not appropriate. Again, it is a matter of building mutual trust and respect so that we can develop cooperative rules to help guide us in situations where insiders may be triggered. For example, I have asked one of my alters to please talk to me before initiating his defense mechanisms. Some times this is not possible. I never get angry with him if he has felt the need to act quickly before we can discuss the situation. But, I do talk to him later and we decide on what worked and what maybe was not as constructive as it could have been. We also discuss how we both can handle such a situation better in the future. It is a partnership.
One final point, I always thank my insiders for their participation in my life even when the outcome is a bit more troublesome than I would like. After all, they were created to take care of aspects of my life that I may not have been handling so well. I have to be brutally honest with myself. Sometimes my insiders are bang on right with what they do and say and I am the one who is dysfunctional. I have to be willing to listen to them and change the way that I do things before I can ask them to do the same. So, sometimes I am the one who needs to be quiet.
Such ideas and ways of being with my insiders does not flow smoothly. ME+WE are a work in progress. But, this is the direction that we are working towards. As in all relationships in life, I believe that genuine communication, mutual respect and love goes a long way.
Thanks for listening.
ME+WE
1-31-18 – I’m not sure when this was posted and if Me + We will see this, but I wanted to say thank you for this post. The formal structured meditative time for alters to talk and express themselves is a wonderful gift, acknowledgement, and idea.
Hi S,
Glad the idea was helpful. I posted that response last fall. About that time some of us started dating our posts to try and help keep a time sequence. I responded to your questions about tips for spouses. It did not get posted to the comments. Not sure why but I will try again.
ME+WE
02/01/2018
Wow. Thank you for that comment, ME+WE! I have also found Kathy’s posts to be a much needed life-line as I entered this world of DID. My T has wanted me to have circle time, but it’s been hard. I do some of the things you have mentioned. I think I can do more of the other stuff – particularly that dedicated hour. I think we will do it at night – we hate sleep because we wake up triggered and switched and a mess.
I agree with a lot of what you have said. I share the same thought – I just didn’t know how to do it! With your post, I now have some ideas. Thank you.
Hi Laura,
Thank you for comment here and for pointing me back to something that I wrote almost a year ago now. And WOW … did I ever need to read it for myself. That is the wonderful gift of folks posting on articles and comments – gifting those articles and comments back to the community.
There is not a one-size-fits-all for DID folks or even for all of the folks in our systems. What I wrote works well for most of my folks but some … well, I am still working on love, compassion, acceptance, communication and cooperation. Those are the key words for me.
You know, I have not made time for my morning meditation in a while and I think that I have lost some ground with my folks because of it. My mornings were just getting gobbled up. I am going to try doing it at night now too. I hate sleep too and find myself triggered through the night. This may be a good time to check in and get everyone calmed down before I try to sleep. Maybe a PJ party with my little ones. Thank you for that idea.
ME+WE
08/12/18
😡 Really? Seems like we just spoke and I see this!
So .. umm trying really hard to not be so honest thus my name Frank.
Seriously! I’m going to get me in trouble!
There comes a time when the strong must speak. Why the hell would any one care about an ass like me any ways?
And here is a guy described above who has lashed out hurt people. And it is said I cross the line!
😡 Ok damn it! I admit it! I fucking hurt people.
This sounds all warm and fuzzy. What about fucking boundaries?
What about those? I mean damn! Without walls and boundaries… our system.. I have done all the above and more!
So… let’s talk about those. Litterally. Sometimes tough love so to speak and boundaries with insiders is crucial!
The walls are there for a reason and it seems like it’s all about warm fuzzies!
This protector .. destroyer.. has other thoughts on this matter!
Frank, I’m going to be honest with you in return. I am having difficulty following what you are trying to say. Are you referring to me in your post? Are you trying to tell me…..something? I’m afraid if you are that I simply don’t understand.
When I realised there were more than a few parts, there was a lot of popping up of what you call insiders Kathy. Some have been helpful but some now want a voice and embarrass me. So I tend to then not seek out people that much. Initially after diagnosis, which wasn’t until my senior years, tried to keep Parts identified to the four major ones, so that they ‘had to’ be categorised as being aligned with one of those beings. Now it is much harder and still find Insiders who have been quiet for a long time shock me and others. Doesn’t feel like I, the Host or whatever you want to call it has control over whether a part is in or out, if that makes sense. Don’t know if I have correctly responded to theme.
I keep trying to comment on this page but for some reason I keep getting kicked out. I would like to put my own perspective on why others might want the inside people to stay inside and why your generic advice is actually kind of dangerous.
Sometimes the inside people are not good for the outside world. I have been married for just about 11 years to someone with DID. He has not been formally diagnosed but I’d be awfully surprised if a doctor came up with a different dx. Each person has their own name, history and personality I’ve talked with each of them at different times in our marriage (sometimes at length) and I’d prefer the three I didn’t marry stay inside for one giant reason. Two of them want me dead and one of them is apathetic to the point he wouldn’t wave his hand if it would save my life. Apathy is one thing, it hurts but I can deal. The ones who actively want me dead are a problem.
I have been beaten to within a centimeter of my life, I’m pretty sure I have mild brain damage as there is dsyphagia and dsygraphia now that wasn’t there before. I have anxiety so bad my chest tightens much like a heart attack. My eyes can not easily adjust to changes in light and I am desperately afraid of the dark when I never have been prior. As a child I watched the “worst” horror films with my dad and even my parents say I was never the kind of kid to get up and go crawl into bed with them scared. Now I sometimes just start shaking or find myself jumping anytime my husband picks up a knife (like to cook), especially if he spends a few seconds just staring at it.
Your advice here may work for some but it may be quite dangerous for me. If he listened to the alternates I wouldn’t be here now. They tell him I’m a bad person that literally everything I say is a lie. For example “wow the sky sure is blue today” He’s colorblind so clearly “She’s lying again the sky isn’t blue it’s purple and white. Why does she lie about everything?”. I’m a student in college so clearly when I say I have to leave for class I didn’t leave at the time the clock said I did and I didn’t go where I said I was going. I left several hours earlier so I “could cheat with my boyfriend”. They tell him he should just kill me for cheating (I never have). Should we let them out to play too? Should we give them a turn outside as their own people who need freedom and deserve rights? Should I carefully avoid doing anything other than sitting very still in my chair and not breathing or moving so as not to trigger them?
I do encourage him to do some of the things like watch movies with them or listen to music or play video games. But I never do and never will encourage him to let them out. Not even once. I’m terrified they will come out whether he wants them to or not while I’m sleeping and that will be that. One of them has described in detail exactly what he will do if “Name” ever lets him. It’s not fun, it’s not pretty, it’s not creative and it’s none of what you display here. You say there is NO reason they should be in jail in their own body and I respectfully disagree. They are not all ok, they do not all deserve freedom. Just like any normal person, not everyone needs to be out in society sometimes prison is the right place for them. Same goes for the inside people. Sometimes they need to be in prison. #notall obviously.
I came to this site hoping for some kind of supportive place where I could see other people like me but that’s not what I got. Instead I get a lot of advice that is literally dangerous to me. Someone in the comments seems to be calling me selfish for not wanting them out (perhaps I misunderstand what they are writing?) and maybe it is but I don’t really think it’s fair either to expect me to just open my arms and run into whatever knives, punches or thrown objects are awaiting me. /I/ have to be supportive of him and the alters. /I/ have to take care that all their needs are met and that they feel welcome and loved. /I/ need to treat them respectfully and acknowledge them. When do my rights begin?
Hi Anonymous for a Reason —
OH boy — you are definitely in danger, and Domestic Violence is a very very serious experience, and yes, your life could be in danger. It sounds like he crosses the line way way way way way too far.
My previous post applies more for your situation:
What Does Long-Term Family Violence Do to You?
NO one, including all DID insiders, are allowed to be violent and abusive to people. Being DID does not give any person the right to threaten or harm anyone else. And when someone acts with such violence, extreme measures have to be taken. Your husband’s willingness to be violent is less about his DID and more about his own pathology. Being DID is not making him violent, but he clearly has some serious issues that he has not resolved and he has given himself permission to hurt you in the process. He needs help, immediately, and frankly, I’d go a step further and suggest you get legal support and police assistance. His behavior is criminal and is it definitely not okay for a husband to beat his wife.
First of all. — YOUR safety matters. I understand the complexities of loving someone with DID, but your husband is breaking the law and physically and emotionally assaulting you. I clearly do NOT support that kind of behavior, and I take a strong stance against violence on the inside of a dissociative system as well as the outside.
I’m sure there are some Domestic Violence resources in your local area. PLEASE contact them ASAP and get some assistance in removing yourself from this situation. Either your husband needs to be removed, or you need to find a safe place to live.
Don’t be tricked into believing you need to put up with Domestic Violence just because he is DID. Nope. That’s not cool. He might be able to isolate his violent tendencies to a few specific insiders, but then he is still responsible to get those insiders to therapy to correct their behavior.
Please get yourself into a safer place, ASAP.
Thanks for writing —
Warmly,
Kathy
To Annonomous,
I hope that comments here didn’t sound too discouraging.
Our system agrees. Some insiders need to be on lockdown or other wise prohibited from outside world.
Perhaps even to destroy them. Unfortunately, unless willing to change.. the person probably won’t. DID or not. People have to want change to get it.
So, do I tolerate my insiders that come out to harm others? Can insiders be put on lockdown? Should all insiders be allowed out into the world if that means harm to other people?
Answer; from someone who has DID: no insider should be allowed to harm any one. Period.
It doesn’t sound like these insiders have any sense of value or perhaps conditioned to hurt others. Safety is priority one for you. DID is no excuse for any behavior.
The problem is that I don’t see these parts willing to give up what they are doing to you. If they can’t be detained inside in a locked cell.. then ..what saves you?
I definetlly concur with Kathy. Get safe. Be safe.
Insiders should have some discipline as well as love.
All the Jill People and Kathy,
Thank you so much for your kind words. I definitely appreciated the perspective (I do apologize for how long it took me to get back to you I guess I thought my email would tell me if someone else posted as a reply I should look back more but I only view the site from my university internet. ).
I very much appreciate your inside perspective All the Jill People and to Kathy I’m very glad that you know and can see that it’s not so simple black and white I will keep coming here and keep looking for support of others like me (I’ve seen a couple in the comments). I’m always happy to talk to anyone when I can and I am grateful this blog exists even if I don’t always agree. I do feel it is a comfortable place to talk about things.
That said I want to clarify one thing to be absolutely sure my comment doesn’t discourage others from commenting. When I say I keep getting “kicked out” I mean the website had some kind of error not that I think Kathy is in any way barring me from commenting. It has been my experience on this site that so long as you are respectful in your disagreement that other opinions or perspectives are welcome.
. 😡
So.. all hail to the people who can stand up and say no more bull shit. No more people doing that to us.
Well yea you.
However, it isn’t like that for us. Not at all! We have way too many insiders who care what others think. They fear the abandonment and rejection to the hilt! So fuck that!
It doesn’t work for us. We would like it to.. but no. No way.
In fact.. a t (C) knows we won’t come out to her. She knows it and she knows why.
Why? Because of the mere fact she was going to dump us. Yep. That’s right.
Want to know something really stupid and fucked up? So.. the insiders won’t talk to C who by the way .. ended up not quitting after all.. but they will talk to a therapist who definitely is on the out. Down right finished with us.
We don’t understand our system at all sometimes.
So what is it folks.. what matters more? Be out and open or stay inside?
Fuck this😡
All hail to the people who Kathy says yea too!!
Fuck us who can’t.. or won’t. We have hidden so long… we just don’t get this shit at all.
😡
Frank
Well hello, Frank!! Good to hear from you.
Good to see you come right out here and speak for yourself. You’re getting braver coming out and just being you, and owning your own thoughts. Well done.
And yes, system stuff is way complicated, isn’t it?! Sometimes that feeling of the pain of betrayal and abandonment feels just too huge so people, including inside people, pull back from those relationships, because you know… they are just too afraid of getting hurt.
Now why your insiders will talk to a T who is definitely leaving, but won’t talk to a T who considered leaving (but didn’t) — well, that is a pickle, isn’t it?! Not sure what that’s about, but yes, you’ve raised a good question. I guess I’m glad to see any system people speak openly, so… maybe the ones who are refusing to speak to (C) could reconsider their stance, if you think that would be a good idea. That’s up to y’all. What do you think, Frank? Should your insiders be brave enough to speak with (C) once in awhile? Do you speak with (C), Frank?? Maybe if you spoke with (C), the others inside would follow your lead?
And yes, we’ve certainly got some really cool people reading here at this site. It’s always good to learn from each other, and to get new ideas for what works. That’s the good part about community — lots of good ideas to pass around.
I must say — I was a bit surprised today to come here and see a First Comment from Frank. Of course, I wonder who else in your system will write next. 🙂
It sounds to me like you are finding much more strength and confidence as an insider speaking on the outside. Maybe this is just the start of a whole new journey for you and your people………. 🙂
Good job, Frank.
Warmly,
Kathy
We absolutely agree with one exception – we are not anyone’s inside people, the use of “your” suggests one person has ownership of us all and none of us do, we are all our own people. Perhaps saying “the” inside people instead would be more appropriate?
That’s a good point, JJ. And yes, as a system who works together, your wording speaks to the importance of everyone on the team. It sounds like, in your DID system, everyone matters, and no one is “higher” than anyone else, and y’all all belong with each other. Certainly the concept of “ownership” can connect to another layer of other meaning, one not so kind. Sometimes it’s complicated finding just the right words that fit for so many, but sounds like y’all are doing a good job of that!
It’s awesome that y’all are finding ways to work so strongly together. Keep up the good work!
Warmly,
Kathy
I agree with everythihg Astrie said.
Our old therapist wanted to just talk to the “real” person. She learned that from a nearby trauma hospital. they didnt want anyone but “real” person to talk either.
Those rules did not go over very well with us. It was like they were saying the rest of us didnt count, weren’t real, and didnt deserve to speak. That made therapy with that person, and at that hospital, extremely frustrating, more complicated, and downright ridiculous at times. We always felt worse after a session. So much to say and not allowed to get it all out. It was very hard. We would end up self injuring and binging/purging after sessions to try to get all our frustration out.
We are very blessed now to have a talker person that gets it and lets us all talk.
Caden
Hey Caden —
Who’s the “real” person anyway??? It seems to me, that ALL the people in any DID system are very real. I’ve met bunches and bunches and bunches of insiders, and each and every one of them were alive and well and very very real.
It’s the realness of the system folks that needs to be met. So yes, talking directly with anyone who want to talk openly is such a simple thing to do. It always boggles my mind to hear of DID therapists who won’t speak with the DID system. That just doesn’t make any sense!
REALLY hope y’all find other ways to express your pain other than through self-injury. Even when you don’t have enough outside talking time with your T, (in my experience, there’s usually always a long line), it’s still important to find ways to release frustrations that DO NOT involve hurting yourself or anyone inside.
None of you need to be hurt anymore, and I hope that ALL of your system stops using self-violence as a viable option. Self-violence is so much about self-hatred… and you know…. maybe y’all don’t need to hate yourselves.
Be kind to each other!
Warmly,
Kathy
I have been trapped inside since 1986. i hate it. Its like being in jail.
B.
Hi B,
yikes, yes, being trapped inside for that many years would most definitely feel like being in jail! NOT fun.
I hope you can find a quiet place to peek outside once in awhile. Find some time when no other outside people are around, and practice sitting in the body — meaning, you being the one outside in the body. Just being in the body is a big big big thing, especially if you have been stuck inside for so many years. Practice standing up, walking around, having a drink of water, reading a book, etc. Just being in control of the body will feel different from being tucked inside only. Try that when you feel safe enough to do it. You should have freedom too – there’s no reason for you to be in jail in your own body!
Glad to see your comment —
Warmly,
Kathy
YUP! i can’t work for this reason among others. This is also why i don’t want/can’t have kids. Its so completely unfair to expect the little’s and teens i have now to just not exist and not be the center of our household like they are and have been for 5 yrs.
I’m not sure if this is just me or if others feel this way but the “talking through method” that some therapists use is also offensive and gets all these negative results among the alters too.
They get hurt, angry, feel like they’re not “real” or are somehow less of a person because they don’t have their own bodies etc. The little’s get extremely withdrawn and sullen, then the tweens get suicidal and ambivalent about existing at all. It all goes down hill from there lol.
Demanding that only the host ask and answer for the others is just plain rude. They are right there listening and watching and to be told that it’s not appropriate or the T doesn’t want to talk to them etc is just downright wrong and extremely telling of the therapist skill level. (if they can’t handle talking to an alter why bother seeing them?! Clearly they’re out of their depth and will be of no real help to us.) …
I’ve gotten to a point in my life now where i will always put the others first. I will not stay in any relationship, friendship or professional (like therapy) if the others are not welcome to be involved. Its not fair on them and it’s not right to just dismiss and invalidate someone like that… They are real. They exist. These people have kept this body alive for 30 years and suffered unimaginable pain and torture, so i expect that those we encounter (moreso in the therapy world than random strangers) treat them with the respect and acknowledgement they deserve and have earned. My system can be trusted at all times and there’s no reason why I should be the one who who is out in the world just because i have the name on the birth certificate.
I also don’t know how people can choose do that to their systems… Newly aware ones i understand because it takes a long time to get to that level of acceptance, but to stay in a marriage or just keep shoving them away because they’re difficult to deal etc is heartbreaking and extremely selfish. And, at least to us, its certainly not a healthy, happy marriage.
The suggestions you’ve listed here are fantastic! Thanks for taking the time to list them, i’m going to copy a few down for us as well. For those times when certain little’s haven’t been out in a long time and want to come out but don’t want to be ‘seen’ either lol. Or for times when we are travelling and they can’t come out for safety reasons.
WOW, Astrie!!
REALLY like your comment — I couldn’t have said it better. I really like the passion you have about this topic, and the complete acceptance you have of your system. What a nice breath of fresh air. I wish everyone would treat their system this well! What a fantastic approach you have to DID system work. Really impressed. 🙂
Please pass along a whole pile of high fives to all your people from me, 🙂
Warmly,
Kathy
Thank you Astrie. I have some parts that hate my husband, and some that don’t. I have a very angry part that i try to make “go away” I am beginning to understand that yes, I do have different parts, and I kept telling my therapist I hate the angry part. My therapist has met several different parts, but some are too scared to come out. Some parts are rigid, some are sexual, some are are fun, some are young, some are older. I want to accept my angry part but I scare myself and others and get verbally abusive when she is out. I will take what you have to say and try to apply “radical acceptance” to my parts! I am already trying this out with everyone else, but it makes sense to apply it to all my parts.
Thank you for writing this response, Astrie. Some young parts are just starting to come out with my therapist (very scary). It freaks out my whole system when this happens, but in a weird way I also feel better overall afterward…better than when the therapist tries to get me to “talk through.” When he talks to parts, he calls it “direct access.” Just recently I have begun to have the experience of being there when this happens…I think maybe this is called co-consciousness? It makes me feel crazy, listening and watching the body say and do things that are so unlike my usual self (which I guess some people call “the host” but I have a whole team of hosts so it is very, very confusing). Anyway, I like a lot your empowering statement about honoring parts’ rights to be present outside. I hope I can take some of the suggestions from the original post because most of my life is still spent forcing parts back into the depths of my inner chaos, and it is making me very physically ill for the past four years since they all started to explode into my consciousness.
Hi JR,
So glad to hear your voice here in your posts. You have some great insights and perspectives to share. Thank you for joining in on the conversations. Always super to get to know other folks here.
I agree that Astrie has really captured the feeling of strength and empowerment that I share but sometimes forget. When you say …”most of my life is still spent forcing parts back into the depths of my inner chaos, and it is making me very physically ill for the past four years since they all started to explode into my consciousness.” I really hear that as a struggle that I had for a number of years. I put myself into the hospital with day surgeries and all (a cancer scare) I think directly related to my denial of my insiders and what they had to tell me. My husband who is being treated for PTSD, has consulted with a psychiatrist who is a world expert on epigenetics and yes indeed you can make yourself serious ill from dealing with trauma. I have found that as soon as I surrendered to accepting my insiders and what they had to tell me, the physically healthier I became. It takes a huge amount of energy to deal with DID alone without working to keep the insiders controlled and the memories hidden away
BTW – last fall some of us started dating our comments to keep track of when things were posted.
ME+WE
02/01/2018
You are brave. Thank you for sharing your experience.
It be hard!
it make us grumpy
frustrated
mad
angry
want to fite
want to screme
want to hit
want to cry
want to yell
want to run away
we feel very very lonley becuse we want to be outside with pepol 🙁
being out side be more fun then being stuck in side even tho we got a beter in side world. we want to DO stuff. out sie stuff.
we hate being told to be quiet! evrebuddy always told us be qiet and dont tell and dont alk and go hide and dont say nuthing! the bad pepol always say be quiet and dont talk!
now we got to do it AGAN! 🙁
we do watch are old favrit tv shows on netflix that do help some
and we read a lot a lot a lot
we like to help pepol with stuff it give us somthing to do
when we be driveing pkaces we can talk out loud to each other like on the way to work but only grown ups can drive but we can still talk
when the wether cool off we gona take are dog for long walks agan and we can talk out loud and be out
and it help lots lots when we can have turns to talk to are talker persin becus then we can say what we need to and it make some of that presher get off us and she let us talk
Hey Pilgrim Kids —
That’s a very very good way of doing EXPRESSION !!! And it’s good and okay to talk about how you feel, and to put it outside of yourself, and now there are bunches and bunches of people who read this blog who have heard you and can understand how you feel.
Very good for being brave, and speaking up for yourselves. You’re getting very creative in finding positive solutions to solve those problems — very happy to hear that.
There are surely more ideas for places you can talk…. keep your thinking cap on, and keep looking for opportunities. You’ll find more time to talk – just be brave and push yourself a little more out there. It’s a challenge and an adventure!
Thanks for your comment here today — very well said.
Warmly,
Kathy
This is why we can’t let anyone out, even though we’re safe now.
It’s safer to keep the same rigid control that we’ve always had. Insiders stay Inside, and Outsiders work with Outside. No changing that.
… it does make for quite a significant block in therapy, though.
Hi Rosie,
Thanks for your comment, and welcome to Discussing Dissociation. 🙂
I think quite a few DID systems function that way — with certain ones of the system staying way more internal, while other ones in the system have job or roles or functions related to the outside world and outside events. It’s not a bad thing — your system developed the way it needed to in order to best survive what you all experienced.
Maybe the real key now is that everyone has some way of expressing what they need to say, when they need to say it. And if the most inside ones need to stay tucked inside, do they still have ways to let their voice be heard? Can they write? Or can they pass their opinions over to someone else who will do the outside speaking for them?
There are a number of ways to still reach the most deeply hidden insiders. Because yes, if they are ignored, or overlooked, or refused time in your therapy process, it will make things much more difficult. Everyone matters — no matter how inside they are. 🙂
Really glad to hear y’all are safe now — that’s SO important. Maybe make sure even the ones tucked the deepest inside know that. Sometimes insiders way way down inside stay more stuck in time, and are less connected to the here and now. It’s possible they might not even realise that you are safe now, especially if they can’t even “see” now. If they can see for themselves that they are safe now, and experience it to be true for themselves as well, they might be more willing to come closer to the front.
Just a thought – had to pass it along. 🙂
Thanks for writing.
Warmly,
Kathy
Its hard to know which article to respond to because they both mean the same to us. For years in therapy we have suffered from not only trauma that created the DID and us but from fresh traumatic abuse from my childrens boyfriends that no one listened to (even that has been flash backs to not being heard ever) which has many hiding and it hurts and the headaches are bad. But as much as we hide we cant help our daughters until they are ready to face it but we dont have to be around the boyfriends. The thing we can do is focus on the grandkids, which manage to match a lot of pur insiders (especially the 4 yr old), cause watching them affected hurts. We take them camping or out to see animals. We get to judt be with them and always there are parts watching and protecting but others feel free. And then shut down when take them home. A lot of people only think of benefits if it is financial or material or even ego stroking but to us the benefit of being and being free to be is important even if the grand kids never know how much they helped us as much as we gave them safety. We have missed your blogs
Hello X — so good to hear from you again. Thanks for writing.
You’ve described it really well — the difference between how life feels when you are being abused, hurt, or traumatized versus the way life feels when you are free, safe, happy, and enjoying your environment. The two worlds you’ve described — one sounds so painful, and the other sounds really beautiful.
Being outside in nature, and being around animals, and being around children — those are clearly safer places for you than being with adults, especially abusive adults, even abusive boyfriends. (Really not cool – it’s definitely not okay that he hurt you. He should stop that!) I don’t blame you — I would definitely get a headache being around anyone who causes trauma. And such a conflict it creates re: your daughters. Yikes. I hope he’s not also abusive to her as well. Safety really is important — it makes a huge difference in people’s lives.
I am glad to hear you like the blog articles. Every now and then, I get busy with other things in life, but I’m dedicated to this blog, and sooner or later, there will be something new once again. I’m not going away — I’ll always come back ! 🙂
Thanks for reading.
Warmly,
Kathy