Have you just discovered that you are multiple?
Do you have new insiders surfacing and creating havoc?
Is this a tough time of year for you?
Are you feeling highly triggered right now?
Is your system struggling, feeling dark, chaotic, and separated?
Are you experiencing memories, flashbacks, nightmares, and other PTSD symptoms?
For the dissociative survivor, the process of healing from severe and long-term abuse is a bumpy and difficult road. There WILL be days, or weeks, when you feel like you are holding on with your very last ounce of strength.
- What do you do when you are exhausted and in too much pain?
- How do you start a healing process that feels hugely overwhelming?
- How do you help those brand new insiders that you just found?
- How do you help your system when you know you are being triggered?
- What are the best steps for healing?
- Is your therapy work effectively helping or not helping your system?
Here is the good news:
I have some really helpful ideas for you.
I want to share 10 steps that I use in my clinical work with dissociative trauma survivors.
I know for a fact that these steps work.
And I know, without a doubt, these steps will help with your DID system communication, internal stabilization, ongoing peace of mind, and overall happiness.
I also know that these 10 steps appear to “simplify the process”, and while in some ways, there is a lot of simple repetition in the healing process, it can also get a whole lot more complicated than I’ve written here.
Please don’t forget this article: 50 Treatment Issues for Dissociative Identity Disorder .
Healing from DID is no simple task, that’s for sure. And yes, more in-depth work will be addressed in other articles and resources here at Discussing Dissociation.
Developing Internal Communication
Also, please note that I haven’t made a specific category in this list for sorting out conflicts, and resolving internal differences, and improving internal communication. Your DID system will be riddled with complicated opposite views, and opposing opinions about EVERYthing. Surviving the trauma would have required different insiders with extremely opposite skills, beliefs, expectations, etc. This is normal for DID !
However, as your healing journey progresses, your system connections will need to become more cohesive and less opposite. As a system, you will need to know how to talk with each other about these differences, and have a cooperative attitude in resolving your differences, and make decisions based on the best possible outcome for the whole of the system.
Because these conflicts happen at every step of the process, just know that systemic conflict resolution happens, all the time, every day, every week of your healing. Developing excellent internal communication is essential, and will help you complete the rest of your healing tasks.
Every time you meet a new person in your system, or any time you have an insider struggling, or anytime you feel like hurting yourself, or any time you experience time loss…
Use these these 10 steps to help improve how you and your system are feeling.
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Create Outside Safety
The fundamental element of healing is to stop the abuse. Think about it. It’s very hard to heal when you keep getting hurt. You probably have had a life far too full of abuse, trauma and neglect — horrible events that happened originally in the outside world. That trauma is where the problems started for you.
Always remember — the trauma was NOT your fault!
So yes, to be the most effective in your healing process, you need to be safe in your outside world.
You need to not be having ongoing trauma.
You need safety from recurring abuse.
Stay far, far, super-far away from anyone in the outside world who has been a perpetrator, abuser, offender, or programmer to you or to anyone in your system. You know who they are, even if you don’t know that you know who they are. I promise you, someone in your system knows who your perpetrators are. Learn to trust your system, and listen to your Insiders so you can stay far away from anyone who has been your abuser.
Be brave, and have the courage to NOT be near abusers, perpetrators, and offenders. If they don’t have the decency to stop abusing you, you must have solid determination to not let them have access to you. Don’t talk to them, and certainly don’t go visit them. Don’t open the door if they come to you.
Build thick and literal walls of safety and miles and miles of distance between you and your perpetrators.
I realize this may be a very complicated process, but I think you get the point. Start here, and work to build your external safety as quickly as possible.
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Create Inside Safety
Outside trauma taught your system how to do internal trauma. This is not your fault. However, for effective healing work with your system, you need to put a priority onto creating safety in your life, both inside and out.
Look inside, because if you are not being literally hurt at this exact moment in the outside world, but you are feeling it as IF it is happening right now, then it IS happening right now, on the Inside.
What is happening on the inside is probably mirroring what happened on the outside. It’s a separate way of doing memory work, but if you take the approach of finding where the trauma is happening internally, you’ll be able to help your insiders finally get a sense of freedom and protection.
Working with Insiders who are abusive to other Insiders is a process that is beyond the scope of this particular article. Yes, you will need to teach those Insiders how to be Helpers instead of Hurters, and yes, you can do that.
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Speak with the Insiders who are Feeling the Trauma
Good internal communication is absolutely fundamental to your healing journey. Part of that is learning to talk to those in your system who have been hurt or injured, and helping them to feel safe.
Do you know who is getting hurt?
What is happening to them?
Where are they located in your system?
What can you do to help those ones who are feeling or seeing or remembering the pain?
What about all the body pain and body memories?
Many dissociative survivors are afraid or reluctant to speak to the people in their system who hold the trauma. I understand that you needed to be separate from these folks and their experiences to survive and get through the years, but now, for healing, you must muster the courage to find these insiders, and to speak with them.
At this point in the process, I am not talking about going into minute detail in learning about the actual trauma itself. Do not ask them to tell you about the details of their nightmares. At this stage, you only need to know the basic general idea of what happened, and frankly, when you see them inside, you’ll be able to see it for yourself. You won’t necessarily need to actually ask them much of anything.
So yes, you need to see and find who needs the help, and then HELP them move to a safer place.
Don’t continue the pattern of years of neglect by refusing to help them. It was wrong for people to not help you during your years of trauma. And now, it’s your responsibility to help your people. It would be just as wrong for you to refuse to help your insiders as it was for your outside caretakers to not help you.
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Find People in your System who can be Helpers for the Ones who are Hurting
Often there are others inside who are just a few steps back from the ones who are feeling the most targeted with the intense pain. So… who in there can help them? Who can get close enough to them to make a difference?
Find someone inside who can lend a helping hand to the ones who are hurting. Who can pull the hurting one out of the trauma scenario? Who can offer them a towel or a blanket for covering? Who can help to wash their little faces or give them a sip of water?
There will be people in your system who are like the ambulance paramedics in the outside world. Someone needs to go into the traumatic scene and help pull the injured insider OUT of the trauma they are experiencing and then take them to a safer place in your inside world.
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Remove the Gunk and Junk from your Injured Insiders
Okay, now this may sound weird, but I promise you this is an extremely crucial step in your healing.
With dissociative insiders, there will be internal replications of the outside trauma still on the inside bodies. Of course, this is not visible on the outside body although it is probably felt intensely in the outside body.
This might be the after effects of the trauma itself… with dirt, or mud, or bloody stuff, or messy stuff on the inside bodies. Or it could be “inhuman objects” like wires or plastic or pieces of metal or funny objects attached to the inside bodies.
All this gunk and junk needs to come off the inside bodies so the inside person can feel as free and clean and “normal” as possible.
Note: this may not be a simple or straightforward process. This may take quite some time, and many repeated efforts. There are deep and significant reasons for this, and explaining all that goes beyond the scope of this particular article. Regardless of the long-term work, you can start with what you can see now, and do as much as you can while also knowing it’s a long-term job.
You can certainly address the most obvious bits and pieces by tending to what is most visible to you now. Referring to the ambulance metaphor, if the paramedic finds a stick jammed in someone’s arm, the proper healing procedure involves removing that stick from the arm. Follow that same concept in your internal world.
No one inside needs obvious trauma residue or weird junk stuck onto them or into them. Your insiders cannot heal if they still have that junk stuck on them or in them. It’s all gotta get off them so they do not have the experience of still being IN their trauma.
To heal from trauma, they must have distance FROM the trauma, inside and out. You cannot heal from trauma if it is still happening in the now, inside or out.
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As you remove the Gunk and Junk, Prepare for Incoming Memory Information
The gunk and junk has been there for a reason. Firstly, it visually represents what your insider has experienced.
The stuff that you see on your insider will be a visual metaphor that tells part of their life story. It’s very important to understand what those items represent and what stories they tell.
Secondly, it’s still there as a way of keeping the past still feeling like the present. Sometimes this has been done on purpose — as in cases of purposefully done programming. Sometimes the gunk and junk has stayed like this because the insider experienced years of neglect after their trauma and were never comforted or helped, so they stayed locked in that exact trauma spot where they felt exactly like that.
Removing the gunk and junk is necessary for healing, but it will tell the story of what happened. As you get close to these items, you will learn more about what happened, and you might feel more in your body, both inside and out.
This is difficult, yes, of course. It’s painful, and stressful to learn about abuse, even on a generalized level. But it’s still crucial, necessary, and part of the truth of your life. Find the ones who can manage this front line battle, and be determined to help your injured insiders find peace, safety, and healing.
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Provide lots of TLC — Tender, Loving, and Gentle Care for the Injured Insiders
Again, let’s think of the process that happens in the outside world when someone is rescued from a horrible traumatic event. Let’s use a car wreck as an example.
The location of the traumatic incident is found. The people injured in the wreck are located. Someone goes to help them, like a paramedic does. The bits of surface glass and metal wreckage are removed from the injured person’s body. The injured person is taken to a safe place for more intense healing work (such as the emergency room), and then they are given a place to stay where they can safely and comfortably heal from their injuries – in their own ICU room. Then they are carefully tended by a team of caring medical professionals and supportive helpers until the injured person can regain their strength and function more on their own.
Your internal healing process is very much like that outside example, including the ongoing need for TLC and care for some time after the event.
Your insiders need time to heal in a safe, comfortable place where their needs are genuinely being met.
I’ve used outside metaphors, but I am also insisting that this same exact process happens on the inside.
Tend to each other. Care for each other. Help each other internally as you are healing from your deep wounding. Be gentle. Be kind. Offer the basics like clean clothes, good food, clear water, soft bedding, ongoing warmth, and gentle light.
LATER, you can speak about the details of the memories. Even at this point, you do not need to go into detail about what happened. Let some strength, healing, recovery, and recuperation happen first.
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Build a Genuine and Positive Relationship with these Injured Insiders
It’s very hard for someone who has been deeply hurt to tell about their trauma, especially when their trauma was embarrassing, or humiliating, or terrifying, or threatening.
People, including inside people, need to feel more secure in their relationships before they talk about the details of their trauma.
Trust and connection are important, and yes, of course, this is also important in DID system relationships.
While your injured folks are healing from the obvious surface layers of their abuse, and others in your system are providing genuine care, begin to build a relationship with these Injured Insiders.
Find out the easy bits of information and the simple things.
What’s their name? How old are they? What bits of story can they tell you about their life experiences that aren’t stressful for them to say? Start with the EASY topics, and don’t push for the hard topics. Let your relationship build with these insiders, allowing time for trust and connection to develop, the same as you would want with outside people.
This process can happen more quickly on the inside, but it won’t necessarily happen more quickly. It’s just crucial to not rush this process. Allow for bonding to occur between both the one who has the stories to tell AND the listeners who need to hear what happened.
Forcing the disclosure of memory detail will only rock your stability, create chaos and conflict. So, you know…. Don’t rush it. There’s no need for that.
Let your insiders have the time and space they need to tell what happened to them AND let the listeners in your system build their courage and connection to who needs to tell their story.
Once your insider is in a safe place, it’s soooo much more important to build that emotional bridge to them, in a positive relationship level, than to worry about details of their trauma.
SYSTEM WORK FIRST.
Memory work later.
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Allow Memory Information to Surface as it Does, Naturally
As your Injured Insiders feel safe to tell their story, have the ears to hear it, and have a strong enough relationship to stay connected to them during this process.
If you can’t stand to hear their trauma, then you need to build more relationship with them.
Once that relationship is there, and the familiarity between the inside parts, you’ll be better able to hear, absorb, and address the actual memory information. You’ll care about what happened to them, and you’ll want to know more about them.
Your Injured Insiders may not want to tell your whole DID system the details of what happened to them. They may want to talk with a few people and keep their details private within that small group at first. That’s okay. That’s not a problem – it’s a step in the process.
As those insiders feel more safe and secure, accepted and connected to more of you in your system, then they will share their information with more of you in the system.
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Walk the Healing Journey Together
Healing is not a one-time, quick or easy, simple fix, one-thing-and-you’re-done type of experience.
Healing takes a looooong time, and happens in bits and pieces, and circles around and repeats itself a few times over.
Your insiders will need time to do their healing work again, and again, reaching deeper levels and finding new areas of pain as time goes on.
Being that you are dissociative, with an entire system of inside people, I can guarantee you that your trauma history is long and complicated. You would not need to be DID if it were simple and easy.
So yes, your road to healing will be complex, and your insiders will be at different stages of the process at different times. It will be a little bit of this, and a little bit of that, and back around all over again.
It is what it is, and just prepare for that.
The main thing is to let ALL your inside people – ALL your Injured Insiders – have the time and space they need to get genuine healing.
And as you find each other again, become friends. You’ll need to be friendly and helpful with each other to heal anyway, so build your internal bonds and genuinely emotionally connect deeply with each other.
And THIS is the true beauty in being multiple.
Once you and your insiders are genuine friends, you will find such deep joy, love, beauty, and humor in your relationships with each other. You’ll be able to really have fun as a team, and march forward into the good stuff.
You won’t have to stay stuck in the painful hard stuff.
You’ll get to be together doing good things. Life will be worth it! Life will be good!
And THAT is a goal and a reality very much worth fighting for.
I’ve seen healthy progress happen with other DID systems, and I know, without a doubt, that it can happen for yours as well.
PS: Are you newly diagnosed with DID? Or are you struggling with how to help those newly surfacing parts?
The Saddest Little Bear Dissoci-ACTION Story Pack is available.
The focus for the Saddest Little Bear is on meeting new parts, and getting to know parts of your system.
If you need additional guidance with meeting new parts in your system, this Story Pack should be very helpful information for you.
I wish you and your whole system the very, very best in your healing journey.
Warmly,
Kathy
Copyright © 2008-2022 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
Hi, this is my first time making a comment. So many years, so many tears. Work on DID/mpd for a little while. STOP working on DID/mpd. Start again. Over and over and over!
One step forward, two steps back! Getting so scared. Then just when bravery hits, so does the sadness, guilt, and most of all FEAR. Am I doing it right? Am I doing it all wrong? What are other people doing? Maybe I can learn from them.
Afraid of failing again.
RP+
11-18-20
I can honestly with all of my heart body and soul say; treatment has ups and downs. After a free fall.( that’s what we call them when life is spinning out of control). It sucks when it happens for sure; but once we stop falling . It was worth it. It’s like a growing opportunity, if we choose to fight our way through it. Instead of running from it. In my opinion if you don’t engage yourself to feel the emotions. Then we are only doing what we were tough to do. ” that feelings don’t count, we shouldn’t be sad, mad, or any other ones.
Only you know you and yours, if you feel overwhelmed and at a strong Breaking point. back off back off from what you working on if you can.
This system been working on a really hard issue all year. Now I do feel I’m at my snapping point. Do I toss my hands up in the air or do I keep fight for the next 30 days.
Hello RP+!
That situation seems to be common for a lot of us! Been there – Done that! Sometimes it happens when you don’t know what else to do….sometimes it’s because the parts have “gone down” for a while and then you wonder if you have made everything up. Keep reading these articles – and there are tons of comments that can match as well with what you are dealing with…..
It takes time to get to recognize and know different parts and it all seems to be a very slow bit by bit process….but Oh! the relief when you “know” that you “know” you have met a part….Having a place to process and “vent” is very important for us because it is a definite cry of the parts – to be “heard”…..
“Denial” seems to be a “biggie” for a lot of us as well….which makes sense since the situation was dissociated in order to get you through it…..The conflict between Inside and “brain” can make you feel like you are on a roller coaster….but once you “see” – you can’t “un-see” and you find yourself returning to the journey again and again….So – it sounds to me like you are on the right track!
Take heart! Learn from these articles and the posts….come here and process as you can….you will find that you are NOT alone in this! 🙂
MissyMing
So many excellent points. I see, now I cannot unsee. Ummm… gives me claustrophobia. *sigh*
FEAR …
I had to let go of the forum. So I’m not on it now.
I posted here, then the FEAR began. Now it’s hard to know what to do. But I do know that I absolutely need to communicate more with the ones who helped me survive… Right now it feels like we are building a foundation.
Thank you MissyMing.. I will do the best to “Take heart!”
Hello RP+
Welcome!
I’m not very active here now, but I would encourage you to read, look and listen here. This is the BEST place to come to learn and understand DID! Kathy is Amazing-be sure to watch her videos or YouTubes. Also I’d encourage you to keep writing to others here. People like MissyMing are great supports and so inspirational!
I wish you well!
Linda
Hello Linda,
Thank you for welcoming me/us!
I was on the DD forum, but had to leave. I did not know how much was here to be learned… and especially learning from those who are in the “same boat”…
Once I asked a stupid question: I had a phone consultation with Kathy, and I said: “are there any books you could recommend that I read.”
WOW, I am blushing just to think that I asked her that question. In a kind voice, Kathy said: “You could start by reading the 400+ articles I’ve written.”
YIKES… I owe her such a HUGE apology…!!!
I am so sorry Kathy! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
My eyes have been opened to this wonderful resource.
“There are none so blind, as those who will not see.” Or something like that. Wish I knew exact quote and who said / wrote it.
Ahhh… life…
c’est la vie.
Better go… I’m beginning to ramble!
Take care Linda. It’s very good to know you.
11-25-20 Rosepetals+ 🌺
Ooooops! Sorry about the claustrophobia, RP+……Always interesting learning about each other’s triggers….but it is a good jumping off point into processing – a direction to go where an Insider might be able to show you something…..
Yeah – FEAR is a biggie….It can be so conflicting – parts NEEDING to be heard yet so afraid to even talk…plus there are probably parts who DON’T want any others to be heard….reasons why this journey can feel so intensely slow and confusing…..
So sorry you weren’t able to continue with the forum – maybe a bit further down the road it will work out for you again…..but hang in there RP+!…..each micro step forward can help to bring understanding – which can help the parts and help YOU in dealing with them and life….. 🙂
MissyMing
11/27/20
Linda that is awesome you took a stand on what was best for you and your system. That is scary that a trauma or any therapist would push that hard. We have been very luck in the therapeutic setting. Ours have always been let’s talk about the bad stuff but not push you over the edge. The goat of therapy is to feel better and be comfortable in our own skin.
Sure we had bad days and some really bad days! But they always listen when to pull back and not continue to push.
So much doesn’t “fit” for me… I read this and think I must NOT really have DID even though I’ve had the diagnosis for 30 years! Validated by many experts…What’s wrong with me ? I ask…1. I’m always working on outside safety (from me). 2. I don’t know about inside- I have no way/ I have no inside sight, don’t know, don’t see, no visualization-it’s a blank dark hole…nothing. I was in a special hospital last year for 9 weeks they tried to work with ya the whole frustrating time…nothing. 3. “Talk to who has been hurt” no one no where…everyone is secretive- when a part switches out-will not give name age any identification-same in journal. I can tell some by experience or the one that swears,,, whoever I am is ALL I am. Do not see, can’t find…4. Can’t find or identify / “who could help others”? Totally foreign concept. I totally do not get this “I must not have DID if I can’t do this! 5 remove hunk also makes no sense at all to me…6. Absolutely nothing to find, see or remove…? 7. TLC I CAN and do that but don’t find parts, can’t see. 8. Build Trust- I try that wit those that switch out or journal but no name no agei guess.9. Allow memory I’ve learned lots over these 30 years…from talk and journal. 10. Walk healing journey together…we are mostly very separate, walled off, drastic differences. “I need to talk- I hurt”…”you talk we die”… big annoyance…” we’ve already talked about that-enough…”I’m stuck, I don’t know how to change or open up when we have no visualization…I just don’t have that capacity…there must be others that have no vision inside…HELP…I plan to set up a call with Kathy…Hopefully at a time I’m with my therapist so she can help us learn how to work through this. I’m SO Frustrated!
Hang in there, linda! I am sure Kathy will be able to help you. We are “stuck” on spots as well….we have a hard time with the TLC thing – not sure if it is from NOT knowing HOW….or – most likely – it is from being afraid to acknowledge that those parts are even there (basically MORE denial)…proving that we are more “messed up” than we thought we were….that the people who look at us “weird” are actually RIGHT in their perception of us…..THAT is scary as well – cause how will we EVER figure out how to fit in…….
We still struggle with how to create “Inside safety”…..most of our parts seem to be either on guard and scared….or intimidating…..we do have some young ones who seem to be “clueless” and cause problems because they are TOO trusting or they “babble”……it causes a lot of “bouncing” on the Outside…..”I” either think EVERYBODY is “safe” or “I” am on guard with everybody……I confuse “myself” much less any Outsiders……
Keep in touch, linda……we get your frustrations….this journey is intense – Inside AND Outside……we hear you….
MissyMing
03/22/20
The worst thing I did was start seeing a trauma therapist 3 years ago. I got worse and worse and extremely suicidal. I shut down so bad I mostly stayed in bed the last year. It was extremely damaging to me. The best thing I did was take a stand and say “I’m going to die if I keep doing this trauma work! I’m only getting worse nothing in 3 years has helped me. I stopped, I could breathe for the first time in 3 years. My DID pretty much cleared up—parts trusted me to take care of us. We became alive again! I felt like I was stuck in a trauma cult…Thank God I finally broke free! It’s been 5 months I have up and down times but basically I’m doing well! Every time I mentioned ending my TT said “you’ll never be ok if you don’t deal with the trauma”…NOT TRUE! That was going to kill me! This is not a one size fits all treatment! I was not listened to! I was not respected! Finally I figured out how to listen to myself and respect me!
I’m tired of al this. Nothing is helping me. I just want it over😭
Very much like this article. Gonna bookmark it. Agree with Codoy about a donate button. You have helped us so much, Kathy. We will always be grateful for you and to you.
It’s a pity you don’t have a donate button! I’d most certainly donate to this superb blog!
I guess for now i’ll settle for bookmarking and adding your RSS feed to my Google account.
I look forward to brand new updates and will talk about this website wth my Facebook group.
Chat soon!
Great… but how to stay away from perpedators, when your perpedators are all members of your close family and the only family you have?
What about forgiveness, even if not everybody in your system is available for forgiveness? I hide them in the depths of my mind and it works…
We think that there is no beuty in being multiple. it’s just hard to manage world, people, everyday living while being multiple and that’s all.
I do this too……my supportive boyfriend has helped me to see that most of my main abusers/manipulators is my mom and its so dang weird to see this rn cuz I’m newly diagnosed and recently cut-off the world basically cuz it almost seems like EVERYONE in my outside world has hurt me…
Well, Kathy. There you go, doing it again. I’ve read this article before but today for whatever reason some points hit home.
This! This! THIS!! THIS!!!! Most beautifully written.
“And THIS is the true beauty in being multiple.
Once you and your insiders are genuine friends, you will find such deep joy, love, beauty, and humor in your relationships with each other. You’ll be able to really have fun as a team, and march forward into the good stuff.
You won’t have to stay stuck in the painful hard stuff.
You’ll get to be together doing good things. Life will be worth it! Life will be good!
And THAT is a goal and a reality very much worth fighting for.”
I feel such thankfulness and gratitude for all that you do here. My T and I have talking about communicating with my insiders and making a safe place. You just added the cherry on top.
I hadn’t really thought about all of us having fun together…moving forward together. So far it has been search and rescue with the exception of one insider whom I have come to be very fond of. The idea that I could have warm and loving relations with all my insiders and that we could have fun is so HOPEFUL!
My T believes 100% that healing can be. She gives me so much hope. This place gives me hope. I truly am soaking up your oh so validating words.
YAY for layers and layers of hope!!!
Smiling Wren
1-14-2018
Excellent guidance Kathy. I needed this ‘map’ in order to go deeper in my healing. I’ve had some bumpy therapy & things re healing have just been chaos. This orders my steps enough that I think I can make good progress especially with the new people I have been finding. Thank you for some direction in my healing. I’ve wanted to make more progress but was lost in the process. Excellent & very practical blog. Thank you! My T will be glad.
There b no safety, no matter how far I go 2 get away, no matter anything. Got away from being w/’em all the time 24 yrs ago. Moved away from same coast as ’em 11 yrs ago. ‘ey still follow us every where we go, still get us. Never will get past #1. Made her really really mad, n be no safety until she gone 4ever or we gone.
Hi, I’m having the opposite problem I think. Everyone was ‘coming out’ and sharing a bit more. ThenT left but not sure she was best even tho she meant well. Now its like everyone has gone into hiding. I am trying to find a new T. Problem is I feel like I just landed. Like I have factual info (‘name’ address kids etc) but no recall past that of ‘reading about someone in a book’ and suddenly I have to live this life. I don’t have a past, I don’t own this life, and I don’t know why i need a T!? I know there was bad stuff and sometimes I feel like I ‘fade’ and there’s stuff there and people there, but then I’m back and its gone. Nothing seems real and I don’t feel connected to anything. Play the part, try to look convincing and hope for the best? Any ideas/suggestions/thoughts on what the hell is going on? Please…..?! I think maybe it doesn’t matter, just roll with it. But I also think its wrong somehow, 2D and false. Somehow I think I don’t want to be at the front when the poop hits and things start to fill in?
Thanks Kathy for your support and encouragement. YOU do seem to pop in when most needed.
X, oh I hear you. Ditto to my life. So hard to leave but I am doing better since I accepted DID and left people that cannot except us. The change and seperation is where my healing started to happen. Lots of work but we work together now and becoming good friends. TEAM work.
As usual when the holidays overwhelm us and there is no one to turn to you pop up in our inbox. Reading it has sent our heart beating like crazy but what you say feels right. After all this time we are starting at step 1, which is getting away from professionals who have abused us and family which is hard when you crave somewhere to belong. We have told over and over with words, with actions always but most times been not accepted or not believed or worst locked up which has only made it harder to communicate with anyone inside or out. But we can say we no longer deal with those that want proof (as if DID isnt enough). So, johnny come lately to the party, maybe being able to just accept and get past denial is a good first step – an incredibly scary, fearful first step. Thank you for being a hand out in these dark days
Hi X — so good to hear you appreciate hearing from me. It’s good to hear that you are moving forward in what matters to you. You don’t have to please people who are abusive or mean to you. It’s much better to focus on what you and your insiders want in your own life, and to do the things that help you feel better.
Stay brave! You’re doing good work.
Warmly,
Kathy
Thanks Kathy for the post. It was really needed and helped me thru today. Using the landscape in different ways as these are parts holding the most pain. Slowly moving them to a safe healing place and keep checking in as I am glad you pointed out that it will be a slow recovery and many visits where as before I was thinking and expecting. Snap-puff your all better. This slower way is better for all of us. More tolerable.
Hey DD,
Thanks for your comment. Glad you’re finding this helpful, and yes… absolutely. Use your landscape in ways that are helpful for you. It’s your inner world, you own it, you control it, it belongs to you, and no one else in the whole world can see it. So it’s completely private to you. It’s a fantastic resource, and you can most certainly use your internal worlds for your healing.
And it takes as long as it takes… it’s not a race. You can most certainly go at the pace that works best for you.
Keep up the good work!
Warmly,
Kathy
You are freaking me out. I will be 50 in two weeks and I am just thinking this might be me. I can’t believe this. I just want it to stop. When I look back it has controlled my whole life. I am so angry and sad. How can this be me.
Debbie,
I am not sure when you wrote this. If you are still around, know that yes it can be frightening. If this is “you” know that whatever happened to you was not your fault and you were very strong, creative and brave to come up with a way to survive. You have already survived what caused the trauma. I’m sorry you went through what you did.
Know that there is healing.
One more year and I will be 60. It’s only been since maybe Aug 2017 that I have been actively addressing this although I have known about it since my 30’s. What a roller coaster ride. Whatever age we are when we face our trauma and the impact of our trauma is exactly the perfect age to be doing so.
Do you have a therapist helping you?
I’m glad you found this place. You are not alone.
Extending a warm welcome,
Wren
1-14-2018
we got some inside boys and girls they wont tell us anything about them .they wont talk they just want to be left alone. they want us to go away. we dont know how to help them. they dont like us. they think we be some more of the bad people. we try to be nice. it just make them scared and mad.
5 amd 6 take aa Long time. and they be the hardest part for us
What a great post Kathy, thank you! I started doing all this stuff 5 yrs ago and we very quickly became co-con and then i got flooded with everyone’s trauma as they weren’t coping. Its taken years to find a containment method that works for us and since we’ve done that i go through these steps with every newbie that emerges. The constant checking in and inner talking is utterly exhausting sometimes, but its so so worth it. My heart breaks when i hear and see other systems/hosts ignoring their inner kids and alters just because they’re in pain or can’t handle it. I guess i go tough through the baptism of fire i had LOL. I really relate to the getting rid of the junk part too. its something lots of us forget about and tend to overlook when going through the motions with newbs. For us, the only way to ‘free’ the insider is to let them tell their story in their own terms and i just kinda go into “work mode’ and dissociate so heavily it doesn’t really shock me coz i’m numb. Then we write it down in bullet points form and would send it to our T asking her to hold it for us. She had to call or email back saying she would and that she’d read it and then that was it. It was somehow contained. The person holding it isn’t completely fixed or cured by any means but the instant changes and lightness in them is amazing to see. The deepest of the deep sadness seems to just kinda back off for a little while and these people who have never known anything of life or happiness get to actually experience it both inside and outside as we are now away from our abusers and safe and happy with our husband. Everyones wants and needs are met and life is pretty good most of the time. That containment method has a massive flaw in that the T left abruptly 4 yrs ago but the fact that she still knows about it, they’ve been validated by her (sometimes they would talk about it more in session sometimes not). If we were to ever lose the word doc its all written down in we would get flooded with it all until we could recover the file (happened before lol). BUT, working through all those steps you just mentioned, on a daily basis and actually de-junking the alters REALLY DOES WORK! We really ARE best friends with the exception of those who will always be ‘haters’ hahaha. I don’t know why i sound so surprised i mean, of course its going to lol But i’m glad to read things like this and hear/see that we are in fact doing the best things for us and what we’ve taken months and years to fine tune IS actually healthy and no, it doesn’t all have to be what your shitty new T says it should be like. i.e trauma work asap and everyone HAVING to tell their story or do EMDR to process it and move on etc.
Sorry for the long post. I find it hard to condense what i wanna say so much its short enough to read quickly. Thanks again for helping us, we appreciate it.
Thank you so much for your very well-written post. The process you are describing has become very familiar to me over the last several months, and to say that it is exhausting — SUCH an understatement. Don’t have a name for it — it’s just too new. It’s a matter of submerging into life-Inside (as i have come to think of it) and following, documenting, witnessing and attempting to respond (if need be) to the peep(s) who need it most. Am constantly writing, making funky little crafts by hand, and reading. Self-doubt is a constant aggravation – always wondering if this is the ‘right’ way to do things. Even my therapist seems to have lost confidence in me, which hurts. For my own part, i feel like i am flying by instinct for the first time in my life. Terrifying, exhilarating, absorbing, fascinating and brutal. It would feel really good to have my journey validated, but it is -i suppose- simply too chaotic-looking from the outside. To read that there is someone else out there engaged in the same process and having gains from it is tremendously heartening, and precisely what i needed today. Many thanks, and a heartfelt wave of bonhomie. i have to keep going, trusting that this will come out somewhere better than where it began.
~The Ship of Fools