Everyone I’ve ever met with Dissociative Identity Disorder has a variety of child parts.
While these child parts can be beautiful little souls, the sad and heartbreaking part of the need to have so many child parts is how this represents the amount of trauma, chaos, and conflict experienced as a child.
Having numerous child parts makes a clear and distinct statement about how you did not get your emotional, physical, and safety needs met. Your basic human needs were very much left unmet.
To make a painful situation even worse, all too many child parts were forced to manage highly painful, complicated, gruesome, and distasteful experiences all on their own.
Without support.
Without protection.
Without rescue.
Without comfort.
It’s incredibly difficult for an adult to get through these traumatic events. It’s truly distressing to think of young children needing to manage on their own.
And no wonder you learned to split.
No wonder you learned to separate from your body.
No wonder you learned to block out the awareness of such painful events from your mind.
Be proud of yourself — and your kids — for surviving such massively difficult times.
Now that you have deeper appreciation for your child parts, what can you do to help them feel better?
Have you been struggling for answers?
Do you know what to do now?
Here are 5 quick tips for you and your system to follow:
- Find your inner kids, and move them to a safer place than any inside place representing trauma, darkness, or fear. Move them to safety, and far away from any place controlled by darkness.
- Look at your little ones, and tend immediately to their basic human needs — give them tasty food, cool water, warmth, comfy clothing, reliable shelter, the opportunity to be clean and to remove all the dirt and muck. Do these things in BOTH the inside and the outside worlds.
- Protect and buffer your inside kids from others inside or outside who hurt, threaten, terrify, or bully your littles.
- Comfort your inner children with the kindness, caring, tenderness, acceptance, gentleness, and warmth.
- Introduce new activities, new opportunities, new possibilities that are fun, safe, exciting, creative, interesting, etc. Let your kids be kids who can enjoy a world full of incredible and amazing adventures.
And do this process over and over, and over again, with each and every child part. Help EVERY one of your inner kids to feel good, to feel positive, to feel safe, to feel okay…
Yep, over and over again, for every child inside. Leave no one behind face down in the muck.
Remember — until your inner children are feeling adequately tended to, they will be in pain, and you will feel their pain.
Your inside kids need to be away from all harm and have their needs genuinely met. The abuse and neglect must end, including on the inside.
Let the pain held by your child parts be lifted by giving them everything they needed through the years, but didn’t get. Give them their Corrective Emotional Experiences.
And …..
I have good news to share.
I’ve been asked repeatedly about resources for child parts as there are few options available.
So many dissociative folks have child parts still sitting in pain, locked in place, or lost and not found. Or, while you may have every intention to help the kids you know, you may still have many questions about how to manage this better.
It IS possible to help your kids. It IS possible to teach the kids how to play nicely, how to smile, how to laugh, how to enjoy the day. Your kids can experience safety, comfort, and healing.
The resources I’m developing will help you with that.
Workbooks and email resources for DID Kids will be available soon !
Stay in touch — join the email community — come back and read often. Be sure to stay tuned for when these resources become available for you.
Until then…. work with your kids each day. They need your help, and you’ll all feel better as you join together in your healing process.
Warmly,
Kathy
Copyright © 2008-2017 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
Jadie be so cute today. She been having a real hard time and cry a lot. But we be some place where she have chickens and little birds to be in charge of. She loves birds. And she been making sure the chickens and birdys have lots of food and water 💧 . Today she went out to feed the birds and chickens 4 times because it been a bad day.and she say hi birdy hi birdy hi birdy. It make us feel better to see her doing something she likes. She always be so sad all the time. It make us happy to see her be happy feeding the birds.
I wish i did be preshis
Oh, my…Nobody….You, so VERY much, ARE!!
MissyMing
03/15/20
Oh but you are Nobody. You are precious to your friends here!
🤗💜🐶🐱
ME+WE
03/16/20
well are girls do be so afrad of snakes to.
they freakt out that i hoded the snake.
but when i hoded the snake they tuckt away inside.
they were not there.
they went to a safe place inside i made for them.
so they were safe and tuckt away
so they didnt need to be anyware close to the snake
so they didnt even have to see it
because they been hurt by snakes
them hate snakes
but i like all animals, even snakes 👦🏻.
so we lerned how to go inside to a safe spot that be hided away
when we dont want to be out
and that way the girls didnt even have to hode the snake
just me
i got to be very brave. i liked that and i thot it was cool!👨🏼🏭
You are super boy brave Tuck.
We gots to be brave for our littles.
Our little girls have a safe place 2.
No boys.
Me and Gordie sit outside.
We are the guards.
Kinda protector knights.
Gordie is my little brother.
You can be our buddy if you want to Tuck.
Boys gotta stick together.
We be some good boys.
I like all animals 2.
You got some pets?
Tom
Today i was a time traveler.
and i was a astronaut.
and i tutched rocks that were a million years old.
and rock from outer space.
i traveled back in time
and way into the future.
today was a big aventure walk.
from tuck
the aventure boy
Hey Tuck,
I’m a Spirit Walker.
I go on spirit quests.
Don’t go back or forward in time.
How do you do that?
I would like to try.
I do go to far away places.
Sometimes just magical places here.
Especially in the enchanted forest.
I go with my spirit animal – Chicago.
She is a white and grey horse.
The spirit world called her back a few years ago.
Now she walks with me.
Tom
today i saw elks
and deers
today i went down into the earth
and up into montains in the sky
i hiked up big hills
i tuchted fossils from a million years ago
and i had a big big snake give me hugs and i let her crawl on me and she was sweet
That is an awesome adventure you had, Tuck. Super cool.
no no no snakes
promised the little girls
snakes be bad
hurt little girls
lots of hurt
poizn
sick
scars won’t come off
I be the big brother
I promise no mor snake
caught a big one at dr j
she made it go away
ok
no no no to snakes
tom
I’m sorry you are afraid of snakes, Tom. Sometimes bad people use our innate fears against us for control. It sucks and they were wrong wrong wrong to do it. You are safely away from them now. What kind of adventure would you like to go on? Tuck was very safe in his adventure, he didn’t get hurt and he saw and did wonderful things. You can go on adventures that don’t scare you and have a lot of fun. Try it and let us know how it went. Big hugs (if you want them).
Tom, you’re a rockstar! They are so lucky to have you. I’m also not a fan of snakes.
I’m a big boy – 12, not a little kid.
Squirrel made me tell about no snakes.
I am her big brother and the other little girls too.
I promised them no more snakes.
Boy snakes hurt bad so I take care of snakes.
I am not afraid of snakes.
The little girls are.
Dr J had a snake in the toy box.
I caught it and gave it to Dr. J.
She took care of it for me.
I promised them no more snakes.
I keep my word to them.
They trust me.
I won’t hurt them too.
I play with the little girls cause I am a good brother.
I take them on adventures to the enchanted forest.
We play with the wood fairies and creatures of the woods.
Tom
Hi Tom,
I sure am glad you’re there to protect the little ones from harm. And it sounds like so much fun to take adventures in the enchanted forest. I’m glad you have it there for you to go to. You sound like people can trust you and that is really good.
ME+WE, you are amazing.
Hello Dear None,
Oh my but you are way too kind here. I sincerely thank you for your very sweet words to me … I only wish that I deserved them. I must tell you that you are the amazing one here. I just reread what I had posted on this blog and oh wow … I have so lost a lot of this vision the past number of months. I have been struggling on my journey and lost my way in so many respects. Then, here you are pointing me back to the core of my healing path. How precious you are to gift me with that vision once more. You have been my compass, my light. Now that is amazing!!!
With sincere gratitude,
ME+WE
03/03/2018
ME+WE: But, you are guiding others. That may actually be your way. You are also now my first friend. Thank you. ❤️
Dear None,
I am doing a big happy dance with delight!!! ☺
I am so honoured to be your first friend! I am thinking that that is a really big step for you and I am sincerely delighted to be here for you. What a blessing friendship is. Friends are there to listen and hold safe loving space for one another through times of sadness, pain and darkness. Friends are also there to help tickle our funny bones and help us see some of the joy in life. There is just so much hope in friendship and there are just so many wonderful folks to welcome into your life here in this community.
You have been so courageous None to start posting on the website and now accepting friendship from me. WOW … time to give yourself a BIG pat on the back for the great steps that you are taking in your healing journey!
Your proud friend,
ME+WE
04/03/2018
Hi Wren and My Other DID Friends Here,
We certainly have very similar perspectives on our work Wren (perhaps there are others who want to jump in here) and I am super happy to be able to support you in your journey. Helping others ultimately helps ourselves I think. When I am writing and telling you all about my process and what is working for me, I am reaffirming these ideas for myself. And WOW … do I ever have to keep telling myself this stuff over and over and over again. I do not know where my mind goes. I often think that it is more than my insiders messing about but that I am truly leaving this world sometimes! Do others feel that way?
Wren, I truly think that you hit the key to my approach and where I think that I need to go with my journey to healing — “exploring all sorts of avenues.” That is something that I would like to share with everyone here because I feel that it is so crucial to our work towards building the kind of cooperation and co-consciousness that will allow us to, not just heal, but to thrive. And, I sincerely believe that we all deserve this and we can all achieve this goal. Now, I want to be mindful and respectful here in saying that I appreciate that the path is a lot more rocky, difficult and longer for some of you here than it is for me. Please understand that I know that and you have my utmost empathy and respect for what you are experiencing. What I am saying here is in no way meant to trivialize or disregard your struggles. What I am trying to say is that, we are all on this journey together and we can all help one another along the way.
My perspective is that, in order for me to find healing and wholeness (and I do not mean integration here), I have to work on my mind, heart, body and spiritual self. I am a package deal. I cannot heal just one part of me and expect to feel okay. I need to work on all of my parts of me and all of the parts of the parts of me. Whew … there are so many layers to consider when you are sharing your life with insiders. Now, that can be super overwhelming to think about let alone do all at once. I am not suggesting that at all. We have to embrace our inner turtle here and not succumb to the temptations of our inner rabbits that want to launch ahead before we are ready (hum … are you listening ME+WE?). What I am saying is that, when you start to feel strong enough in one aspect of yourself, maybe broaden out to work on another part.
So, for me that means different kinds of bodywork (because I left my body or rather it was taken away from me when I was 3 years old and 59 years later — I WANT IT BACK), and heart and spirit work (meditation classes, work with horses, guitar lessons, and art workshops). But, first and foremost, the core of my work is with my T, building compassion and understanding with my insiders (understanding who they are, why they are and what they need), and developing a welcoming space for all of my insiders. Just a lot of hardcore, tough yet loving system work.
I also am diligent to try and create a safe environment for myself. That means:
– Physically: not letting myself be in dangerous situations or environments but to create warm, soft, and peaceful space for myself as well as my insiders (outside and inside space — both need to be worked on).
– Mentally: being open to what is happening in my system, who is presenting and what they are presenting while negotiating boundaries for safe conduct (i.e., setting protocols for all insiders so that they do not act or behave in damaging ways — and yes that means not trying to destroy me the host or others).
– Emotionally: off loading the folks in my life who bring toxic garbage into the relationship and seeking out new relationships that are fun, emphatic, stimulating and full of heart and spirit energy. But, perhaps most importantly, being patient, kind, respectful and loving to myself.
– Spiritually: finding my path to spiritual peace and enlightenment.
So yes, I am trying all kinds of different types of activities to help me shed my perpetrator/family defined vision of me and to paint my own portrait with all of the colours, flow, textures and vision that I have for me — for ME+WE.
Me+We,
I have been doing similar things to get in touch with myself. I have a physical therapist I am doing body work with and my T that I do the other work with…and they are very similar in outlook on mind/body work that it has been amazing. I don’t know that I would be making as much progress without doing both pieces. I find it very difficult to know what my own body sensations are and my PT helps enormously with that. She knows I dissociate. First person other than my T that I told, but I didn’t want her surprised if some of the body work was triggering for me. She has been a joy to work with and really helps me to learn to be in touch with my body. Sometimes the two will coordinate. If I know we are going to do difficult body work then they coordinate so that I can have two sessions with my T that week. I am grateful beyond words.
I have spent a LOT of time working with horses. I used to have a place in the country and owned my own. There is something about that connect with horses that is transformative. Good for you for exploring all sorts of avenues!
I want to start yoga but I am afraid I don’t know the rules and will not fit in. I kind of need it, though, because of all my other physical problems. I am thinking of taking a couple 1×1 lessons first so that I can ask questions not in front of a group. And I need to know that they have some understanding and acceptance of my physical limitations. I love the concept of mindfulness and have been exploring more in that area as well.
We certainly do share some things in common. I am glad that we can be supportive of each other here. 🙂
Oh my Wren … thank you, thank you, thank you. This may not sound right (as in my wishing this on you somehow) but it is SO very helpful to know that someone else struggles with these same issues. You told my story here. The details may be different but the messages and outcomes are the same.
I know much of the why I cannot cry — forbidden territory in my family, hospitalizations where I was told to endure the pain and not to cry if I ever wanted to come home again, and the physical/sexual abuse where my perpetrator would put a pillow over my face if I cried and suffocate me to the point of my loosing consciousness. Those are the highlights. The actions were continuous and over a long time so that the message of “do not to cry” is now hot wired in me it feels like. I can feel myself get right to the edge in therapy and then — BAM — a wall goes up, I go numb and I end up feeling frustrated and incomplete. Thing is, I can cry at sad movies, if I see an animal hit on the side of the road, you tell me a sad story, etc. but I cannot cry for myself. My father died a little over two years ago and I have not cried yet!
And, like you Wren, I am a very compassionate person when it comes to others and especially animals (largely because they cannot speak for themselves and that breaks my heart). I have always been the go-to person for family and friends when they needed an ear or a shoulder to cry on. But I seemingly cannot do this for myself.
My T has encouraged me by modelling behaviour (ie., what would have been reasonable to expect growing up) and that has helped a lot. She knows when I am on the edge of crying and coaches me to breath and feel into the grief and sadness but I am not getting there yet. Oh, and I find it exceedingly difficult to take in compassion for me when it is offered. I am trying to learn how to accept a hug for example and open my eyes to see those offering compassion (even talking my husband here). I close my eyes or look down a lot (more than anything else)!!! I discovered that this was particularly important for one of my little ones. As she told me, she could not stop what was happening to her, what she felt, heard, tasted … but she could close her eyes so she did not see. The perpetrators could not make her see. That was the only thing that she felt that she had any control over. So, looking and truly seeing is very frightening for me. It means taking in the visual messages. So, yes I really relate to your comment that “If I need compassion then it means something bad happened.” on many different levels.
Thank you for the heads up on Pema Chodron’s books. I will check that out. Walking with someone who knows how to feel compassion for themselves and see how they do it … well, that is a great suggestion. I will work on that. I have been cleaning house, so to speak, in letting friendships (even relatives) go that do not offer something positive to my life. I am now gathering new friends who are more emotionally and spiritually in tune with themselves and see the world in a more full-on compassionate way. I am sure that will help guide me.
And, I have started to do activities that are centered on me getting in touch with me — meditation groups, cranio-sacral treatments (to get energy flow and just get used to some safe, non-intrusive touching as I could NEVER go for something like a message), dance/movement therapy (I just started that one and it embarrasses and scares the hell out of me) and facilitated equine experiential learning (time working with horses as coaches to be in my space, to share heart and spirit energy and to learn more about my body and presence in the world). So, I am working a lot of angles here being mindful for my insiders to tell me when I am overloading them. Some times I get into my over achiever and perfectionist mode and I overwhelm us all. But … I have digressed here.
Thanks again Wren. Please do not apologize for the long message or I will have to start doing the same. 😉 I hope that others are not put off by my long messages. Just trying to put out there my thinking. I appreciate that some times less is more but I struggle with that concept … hahahaha 🙂
ME+WE,
Apologies in advance for such a long post.
I struggle with the same thing. For me there are a number of reasons. There were threats that if I cried bad things would happen to me or to someone. I often tried very hard as a child to be invisible so no one would see me and hurt me. Another big part had to do with what I call “treasure targeting.” If I treasured something, whether an object or a pet or participation in something like choir, it was dangerous. Treasures could be held hostage. It was particularly dangerous for pets because if I cried or told they could be targeted for abuse or even killed. I learned to keep it secret if I treasured something and to not cry because then any known treasure they had somehow found out about would not be safe. This was true for me as a child as well as in two abusive marriages.
I did have one time when I cried literally for about 3-4
days. I had emergency surgery in 2016 and nearly died. I was in hospital for months. Lots of pain and was on some very heavy doses of narcotics as well as a morphine pump. After I left the hospital I was still on narcotics and wanted to get off of them. So one day I took a 1/2 dose and that was okay..so I simply stopped taking them. I went on a 3-4 day crying binge and showed up at my doctor’s office who said, “You do know that you were addicted, right? You need to let me help you with these things rather than going cold turkey on your own.” Light bulb! Other than that I haven’t had a cry in decades.
As for the compassion piece, that is also very familiar to me. I have a very compassionate heart…for everyone but me. My T has me working on building a “Compassionate Image” of what self compassion would look like to me. Sort of as a bridge I think…and it’s helping. I can feel small spots where I can offer myself a tiny bit. It’s a very odd thing…because I KNOW how to do compassion. It’s really so central to who I am for others, but struggle to offer it to myself. I am much better at beating myself up.
I don’t like it when people show too much compassion for me. Being tough as nails and “I can do anything and take anything” is how I learned to cope. If someone shows a more intimate compassion – if they were to really truly see my pain – it frightens me. My T is the only person I will show my pain to in real life. Sometimes I even make eye contact. Step by step.
Self-compassion feels dangerous to me. If I need compassion then it means something bad happened. I’m not supposed to acknowledge bad things happened to me because treasures would be targeted. I think crying is a way of sitting with our own pain. It’s all tied up together and the “danger signals” for me put me in a rather viscous cycle of knowing there are things of profound sorrow…but not being able to look at that sorrow or bear witness to it. My need for self-compassion is often transferred to others – usually animals but sometimes people if I can do it without making eye contact. I will support the people who do the work but find it hard to do the work myself. For example, I will give food to a soup kitchen but don’t want to work in the soup kitchen because I would have to make eye contact.
I have been reading a bit of Pema Chodron’s books. She has a lot to say about compassion and self-compassion. Sometimes it can be helpful to me to “walk along with” someone who knows about something and see how they do it. Let them model it for me. I often feel like I don’t know what “normal” is. The part of me that goes to work and deals with my team and my work duties has a good sense of what to do but in non-work life and certainly with my inner world I am often clueless. What’s “normal?” What does self-compassion look like? What does healing look like? So I find someone to model and “try it on for size.”
Self-compassion is one of the tools my T is helping me to learn especially since I am at the beginning stages of telling what happened. It’s going to get difficult and messy. Having tools will help me to stay safe as I discover more and disclose more. Self-compassion is a big part of my safety net and we almost always spend some time on that when we meet.
ME+WE, thank you for sharing so much of your journey here. I hope this helped a bit.
I am making a separate post here because I did not want this request for help to be muddled with the positive things that I wanted to say about my relationship with my little ones. I am not sure if there is a better place for this post, so please forgive me if I have placed this in the wrong blog.
I have a couple of problems that I am really, really struggling with with regard to my little ones aside from just what they are telling me about their traumas. A combination of traumas and words/actions of perpetrators have left them (my little ones) and me unable to cry. We are getting the odd teardrop now and then but full out crying just will not come. I cannot tell you how much I long to be able to cry but I cannot. My little ones will have horrible flashbacks some of which I am now witnessing and still they cannot cry. Has anyone else experienced this? What can I do to release what I know is a torrent of tears?
The other problem I am having is connecting with the traumas. I am becoming very aware of what happened to me when I was a child and I am beginning to see it. But, it is always through the eyes of my little ones. By this I mean, I can see their pain, feel the pain in the body, feel the flood of emotions that they felt but I cannot take it in as my own. Intellectually, I know that it is my history but it feels like someone else. I can be heartbroken but it is for them and not me. I cannot break down the walls to make the emotional, physical and mental connection that this is MY history not just THEIR history. Is anyone else struggling with this? Has anyone managed to cross this barrier? How?
Finally, I still struggle with the self-doubt that what I experienced was bad and wrong and that I deserve to feel sad, angry and hurt by it. I keep downplaying it as not that bad, nothing to complain about, other folks had it worse, etc. If my story was told to me as someone else’s I would have no problem accepting it as wrong. And, I can show empathy to my insiders no problem. But, I cannot show the same compassion and empathy to me the host. Why is that?
Thanks for listening.
Wow … some great ideas, issues and questions here. I spend a great deal of time with my little ones. Little ones need a lot of attention because … well … they are little ones not to mention little ones that have lived through a lot of trauma. My little ones have come to me at different points over the past 3 1/2 years and I know a couple of them very well and am working to build trust and cooperation with the others. I give them space and assurance that they can trust me, I love them, I will not hurt them and they can take all of the time that they need to come out (usually they are hiding under a blanket).
A few things I do. I talk to them each day in meditation which is like visualizing them I guess and then interacting with them. They can talk to me or not as they wish. One of them ALWAYS talks to me — actually, talks to me all of the time. I hold them and hug them, cuddle them, comb their hair, all just things that you would do to show a little one love and caring. Where they live most of the time, I have made it safe and warm and several of my helpers are there. For triggering times, I have a safe place that we have created that they can go to. It is a fort made of sheets and has their blankets, pillows and stuffed animals there — oh, and a horse but that is a long story.
I let them tell me what they need and want. So, my purse has a stuffed dog, a stone, a yellow ribbon and a stuffed mouse that is with us all of the time in case we are out somewhere and they need their soothing things. We watch movies they like, play games, read books, etc. We book play dates with friends who have dogs and cats because I am allergic to them so we cannot have them in our house and we have a place where we go and be with horses (equine therapy is awesome!). Crafts are high on their agenda — colouring (adult colouring books also work well here), paints, coloured and textured papers, stickers and beads, lots and lots of beads. I cannot tell you what it was like last Christmas when they discovered glue for the first time! Favourite foods are allowed with some supervision or we would have ice cream morning, noon and night. One of my insiders loves to shop so we go to the dollar store (where everything is priced at a dollar). I put five dollars in my left pocket and as they take something and put it in our basket, they have to take one of the dollars out of the left pocket and put it in the right pocket. When there are no dollars left in the left pocket, then they know that they have to wait until the next time we go shopping to buy more. I have just bought a guitar yesterday so I hope to bring music into the equation (any instrument would work) and I even started sessions with a movement/dance specialist to start connecting with my body and bringing movement fun to the little ones and me.
I really believe that I have built a trusting, loving relationship with my little ones and, in turn, they have told me a lot of their stories of trauma (mostly in pictures and body memories although I am helping them with the words and terminology). I really work hard to try and provide them with safety, love and reassurance.
it be bad to have lots of in side kids
there to meny
extra kids shud be got rid of
we need to go away
ndbe it be ok if there lots of kids
becuse are t say there be as meny as we needed so mabey you did be needed
you dont have to go away
yes it make the line of kids to talk be longer
but if you need to talk to the talker lady you can go to the frunt of the line
and you can have turns if you want to
and you dont got to stay hided.
becuse if there be lots of inside kids there be more kids to be frends with and thats good
mabe you pepol be waitng to be frends with you if you come out and say hi
insted of go away you mite be suprized.
no i shod go away
i dont even be in the lin a lon time
trash kids bilong in the trash
im sorei i tokt
oh nbde,
It’s very very hard when there are sooo many kids all needing help at the same time. It’s hard to wait your turn, isn’t it?!
Children do not belong in the trash. Not now. Not ever. Not you. Not anyone.
Talking about your troubles is the right answer. Maybe there is someone in your system who can help you?
It’s important to look to the people in your system who can also give you kindness, and help, and share good things with you such as a snack if you are hungry, or a drink of water if you are thirsty, or a pillow if you’re sleepy, or a sweater if you’re cold.
I’m sure you’ve got helper people in your system so look for them, and let them help you get what you need to feel a little better. Every step counts!
Don’t give up – it really can get lots better.
Warmly,
Kathy
i blong innthe trash
i dnot talk
i have pilow
When I started getting in touch with my child parts became aware that fear, shame, guilt, anger heavily outweighed other emotions. The pain held by a Dead Child part was so massive. It took me ages to be able to hold and hug her. Kathy, I do like the nurturing tips you suggest. Often I feel embarrassed when a child part pops up in social interactions and as a ternager my now adult son would comment that I sounded like a child. I do a lot of fun things like art, swimming, playing with, hugging my dog. But if something, someone hurts my feelings can go into a post abuse state – devastated, bottom of the abyss. My psychologist says use grounding techniques but that doesn’t help much. Usuallyavoid people. Do find time, meditation, a swim brings back balance. But it also feels like a well worn painful cycle. Would be intetedted in yiur thoughts Kathy andother’s comments.
I have been reading this article over and over and I just wanted to say that the many things that we can do for our child parts are also things that we can do for our teen and adult parts as well (at least for my teen and adult parts). I struggle with this very often and am stilling having difficulty do so each and every day. Some of my child parts won’t even come near me because they are so afraid of me and do not trust me, let alone anyone else. My therapist has been working with them and me to get them to share and trust more but I also know that since my body created them that I must have put the mistrust in them.
I hope you continue to post articles such as this one, as well as other information that I can share with those who are trying to support me through my difficult journey with DID.
Thank you for re-starting this website. If found this website when it was on the other page and was not able to add my comments due to the fact it had been a while since anyone had posted or maintained the page. I was really excited to hear and see that it is back up running. Kathy, you are doing a good thing for so many people who have no other resources to turn to. I understand you have been through your own struggles and hope that you can keep this site going. It is an excellent site with excellent resources. Thank you
I really like that you put this article and information out. I think that it is not only valuable steps for child parts but for all parts (at least for me I have not only child parts but teen and adult parts too). I find the articles on this website helpful and informative, as well as the comments left at the end of them. I look forward to seeing more articles and helpful information not only for me but for others who are trying to support me.
Kathy- Thanks for putting this site back into service. I originally found you when it was at the other site and was disappointed to see that it was inactive.
So many needy and desperate children ?. It all goes into what therapists run into often. When we find a therapist to trust or in the interviewing stage, these littles show up.
The therapist or other out side people perceive that we “need more” just because that’s what they run into.
We actually do pretty well if you look at it as a whole system. But these needy kids are there and it’s difficult to meet what ever needs they have.
Really tired of turn downs and fleeing therapists. Most of the problems occur because of the kids desperation. ?
These are our stumbling blocks as well….
Sigh
Wow same with us. Our littlest think of our T as a mother figure. They try to call her mama. T says only count on yourself . Be strong rely on inside grown ups. Sometimes it’s easier to not even have those good feelings either ! They all hurt. All feelings hurt. We know she’s right . no clue what is like to have maternal or paternal love though ! . But somehow we’re suppose to find it inside of us. Thing is i don’t remember ever caring if i was loved before. Safety was having distance ! Now it’s like many of the insiders want to understand love. That type. it brings tremendous humiliation and shame to even think i am worthy of love as i was always told the opposite . Kathys article is really special and very kind. It’s more helpful than anything I’ve read ever. The littles do need TLC
Founds some HOPE 💗here today.
Thank you
Hi Pink Mermaid Tears. I am glad that you understand what your T is telling you about learning to care for yourself. Sure is a steep learning curve though when you have not experienced compassion and care in your face-to-face life. Then, heap on top of that all of the messages of unworthiness, failure, shame and silence that have been programed into you by your abusers and … WOW … self-love seems like something that we have to find the Wizard of Oz to give us.
But you know what … I am finding self-love in my outside world by loving, nurturing and caring for my little insiders. That just started with providing them with a safe place to live, cloths, blankets, pillows, stuffed animals, food and a loving presence.
My very first insider that I became aware of lived in a cage. I treated her like feral creature because that is exactly what she was. I offered her items of comfort and just sat with her, far enough away not to be threatening to her. That was outside of the cage at first. Eventually, I was able to open the cage and sit inside. Just my weeks and weeks of continual presence taught her that I cared for her. Over time, she came and sat beside me and then took my hand. I was able to eventually take her out of the cage and to a safe place (her sunshine tent).
Now, I hold her and rock her and kiss her and tell her how much I love her. I found that as soon as I let down my barriers to showing her love, she let down her barriers to receiving that love. And yes she has a lot of pain. But, she has finally been able to break the silence and talk about it so that I can comfort her. I have found that, he more that she has talked about the pain and the more that I have comforted her, the sharp edges of that pain have been smoothed off. The pain is still there but it gets less and less debilitating the more that we can share with one another.
ME+WE
03/16/20
Wish we knew how to do that, Me+We….we don’t know how….anyway – it scares us…..We are so, so stuck…..
MissyMing
03/19/20
We get that….how are you supposed to find Inside something when you don’t even know what it is supposed to FEEL like….our littles keep searching “Outside” for it….people say we “have” it….but it is just NOT clicking with the Inside…..We are talking about feeling “safe”….haven’t gotten anywhere near the “love” thing yet…..
We “over-do” at work….people get aggravated because they say we are a “perfectionist” …. We say, “I am NOT..I am trying to feel “safe”…..People look at us blank – have NO idea what we are talking about…(Have to really concentrate sometimes to remember to say “I”….”We” feels WAY more comfortable – but would probably freak them out…)
My earliest memory is of being frozen – sitting on a sofa with my feet nowhere’s near the edge of the cushion – Daddy was coming home soon and my sister and I had been playing and knocked over a bookcase….I had run to the sofa….
I was in my 30’s and kept seeing (and “feeling”) that flash so much Inside – thought it was my imagination – but I finally asked Ma about it….She said, “Yeah…you were like a little statue on the sofa…not moving an inch…..” I said, “Did he beat us?”…..She said, “No”….(but the look on her face said, “Not THAT time…”)….”He saw you there, laughed and said, ‘Looks like she’s been punished enough” and went on”…..
I heard a wail Inside of “He left us like that….He left us like that!”…….Ma looked at me funny and said, “HOW do you even remember that?! You were 18 months old!” All I knew Inside was that the frozen fear didn’t come from the bookcase – it came from being afraid of when he came home……the rest of my childhood was me “feeling” like that around him…..(I have heard “wails” that come from even much earlier situations – but didn’t say anything about THAT) ……
Maybe I have this ALL wrong….maybe it WAS the bookcase….but there are too many instances throughout childhood that indicate it was not…..it was fear of him……
We wish we knew what “safe” felt like…..We keep looking for it…….
MissyMing
03/17/20
This is something i started doing the day i found out i had ‘others’. The day i found out i told my husband and we went and bought the only little we knew a dolly. (we now have over 150 little’s so its a bit hard but most of them all have their own teddy/toy/doll that they are deeply attached to)
Now, 5 yrs later, our husband told us not to work and that the next years or for however long we want, we get to live the childhood we never got as a child. We play, make things, do and learn new things, go places with him on adventures and the little’s are even starting to overcome their phobia of maths (something we were punished and shamed about our whole childhood- a 30 yr old woman who can’t do basic stuff that an average 5 yr old can lol- but it IS getting better!)
I do everything i can for them, and to be honest i can’t imagine not doing it. I don’t know how people can actively shun their little’s…But that might be my ISFJ personality shining through lol. The part i DO struggle with is the older kids, the ages between about 9-14ish where their pain is so incredibly intense there are no words, actions or ‘things’ that can help ease their suffering. Our husband helps but holding us and rocking us gently, but what can i do by myself? I do a ton of self talk, listening to rain websites and soft gentle music to ease their anxiety and memories but honestly i’m right there with them, it already happened, it won’t happen again, they know that but it DID happen, they’re touched, they’re dirty, used and it did happen…over and over. Nothing i can do or say will change that. I try to reorient them to the future of safety, joy and peace but it’s like a drop in the ocean of their pain.
One thing that is helping everyone big and small at the moment are our reborn therapy dolls. We have 8. And each baby is owned by a group of littles. They will come bursting forward screaming and devastatingly crying “mummy doesn’t love me” as if they’ve only just realized it. And its the most heartbreaking thing i’ve ever experienced, this happens several times a week, varying little girls and totally without warning. My heart races, i get anxiety, i get floods of depression and soul destroying heartbreak. And the ONLY thing that helps when our husband isn’t here is those dolls and our furbabies. They love us, they need us and they want us. Having something tangible that little’s can nurture like that, that’s weighted and feels and looks exactly like a real newborn baby really helps them on a deep level because they get to shower the doll with the love that they never got; all while distracting them from their panic. They’re learning that what was done to them isn’t ok and if it’s not the dolls fault how can it be their fault? There are so many uses we’ve found and i’m totally unashamed to say that reborn dolls have saved our life a few times.
p.s the little’s love the rainbow men in the pic at the top 😀
astrie we make those dolls for a hobby and we have 8 also that we made. we play and chanje their close and we hold them.
I don’t know how to connect with my inner children. I do know most are babies as when I am in DID I spend alot of time (up to 23 hours) a day sleeping. During these times I can’t do any adult stuff. All I can do is wait till I wake up as an adult again.
I have a psychologist but its so slow going.
Please help me
we play.
we get to eat pizza. we get to eat puding.
we get to coler. we play with are dogs. we go to museoms. we watsh kid muvies. some times we get to help at work. we made cake.we swing. today we playd at resess.
there be so many kids tho it be hard to get to evreyhuddy. there be way to many of us.
This is my stumbling block in therapy. I have trouble getting “stuck” in my child states, and I feel like I try to talk with them, and soothe them, but I can literally stay stuck for long periods of time. I have certain behaviors, food tastes, habits, that mirror the child state, so I know I’m there, but there isn’t communication, it’s just PTSD -DID storm. I was diagnosed over a year ago, but have had therapy for childhood sexual abuse-incest for over thirty years on and off. I have raised college educated children, stayed married for over 30 years, I have been a surgical RN for 25 plus years, surviving by pushing it aside, doing enough therapy and off and on antidepressants to tame the dragons, basically living NUMB. I was always able to handle things until a few years ago, when a series of events led to my systems crash. I couldn’t numb it anymore, and now am struggling to heal. Days run into days, and I’m afraid I will never come to a complete life. Any comments, or tips are welcome. I have gone from a very high functioning woman, to someone who could stay in my pajamas all day, like a zombie. Maybe I am afraid of what we will remember.
I know it and deny it everyday. There’s just no safe place for them to be. Just hide hide hide all the time. And there’s one nobody can reach. She’s got huge walls of dark around her. I can’t bear their memories.
Think I put that in the wrong place….. Sorry
Hi GAR,
I feel like we are leading very similar lives! I too, was high functioning, homeschooled my kids k-12 and both are now college educated. Worked part time in accounting for 25 years while home schooling. Married for 27 years and still counting. And had very stressful life circumstances which caused the system to breakdown. I was largely unaware of my history. Numb and amnesic, I had almost no memories of childhood. Internal communication was slow and difficult at first, but it gets easier and you’ll become less afraid of what parts may tell you.
My child parts show me memories and feelings largely through pictures and images. My nocturnal dreams are an incredible resource for internal communication from parts to me. Drawing and artwork has been a huge help and when I feel I am in a child state for some of the same reasons you mentioned, I usually try to make time for drawing. It seems to allow that part to communicate and then I can return to more normal, adult functioning.
I think the hardest part is the grief. Remembering is hard, but remembering means feeling and experiencing a loss. A loss of innocence, A loss of trust. Loss of self esteem. Loss of so many things that are intangible and invisible, but real.
And the grief and hurt can be overwhelming. The grieving — both the child part hurting and grieving– and the adult part of me recognizing and hurting and grieving what never was or never will be, is just incredibly difficult. It is also hard to know or understand that, post breakdown of system, I will never go back to being the same person I was before. I am different now. And that is a huge loss. And something I resisted for a long time. But, I have come to accept that my life changed dramatically with the knowledge and understanding and acceptance of my history. And I am learning ways to heal and grow into the person that I must now become.
I am learning to pace myself, to notice when I start to not function, and to focus on something else. Naming things that I like that start with the letters a -z. A hobby. A conversation with a friend who likes to talk a lot. A walk outside. Exercise or yoga. Cleaning. Making cookies. Petting my cat. Watching the birds. Anything to bring me back to the present moment. And to make me physically active… because if I curl in a ball, I know I will likely stay there for days.
I have learned to be diligent in practicing self-care for myself and my parts. Soothing and reassuring talk to myself and my parts. Vivid imagery and visualizing holding and caring and hugging hurt parts. Giving them what they need inside with visualization. Protective capes. Warm pajamas. Journaling for parts that have a voice and need to be heard. Artwork for parts that don’t communicate in words. Listening to fairy tales and children’s stories on CD has also been soothing. It is like multi-tasking. I can clean closets or cook or clean or color mandalas or take a soothing bath and practice self care for the adult part of me, while the whole system listens together. My child parts love being read to, even if it is not actually by me. 🙂
It is hard, but it does get easier. Your parts inside know what they need to be able to heal. Ask inside and then listen and wait. Sometimes it takes a day or two or three until you ‘hear’ or understand the answer, which might come to you as words or as an urge or an impulse or an image or a dream, and then respond from your adult self, with an open heart.
A lot of times, it feels slow and like baby-steps. It is a learning process. But it does get easier. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You are strong. You are a survivor. You have taken care of so many other people in your career and in your family. Just focus on intentionally loving and caring for yourself in small but meaningful ways. And you will eventually start to feel better, to function in healthier ways, and to come to know, appreciate and feel very protective of and connected to your child parts –
Wow, Neo !!
You are doing some FABULOUS things for your insiders!!
Thank you for sharing such an inspirational and encouraging post. You’ve really learned a whole lot of skills about how to work with your system, and that’s hugely impressive.
Well done, and well said !
Warmly,
Kathy
Neo, Thank you for your reply. I am slowly understanding more of what it takes to communicate with my inner children. I too have dreams, flashbacks, “pictures” that come in dreams, alot of my abuse was pre-verbal, so it’s hard to have words to describe. I am working on self care and self love. I am still struggling to communicate and hear directly, but i am getting communication in dreams and flashbacks so that’s better than nothing! I have had quite a few instances of body memories, rashes, injuries, etc, that have shown me memories through physical symptoms. Thank you so much for reaching out!
Neo, thank you for what you shared. I’m not sure if you are still here or not or how long ago this was written, but your post speaks to things on so many levels that I am just beginning to think about / understand / wrap my mind around. I am sitting here more than a little stunned. I needed to hear this. Thank you.
I hear you, I have college degree, bought a house managed over 50 critters. Three cars, two jobs ect…
And crash,
I have had ptsd diagnosed 4 years ago and about 3 years ago my councilor pegged DID on me…. I have 28 years on my birth certificate but 3/4ths of my life is blank or fuzzy… 7-12th grade and 3 years after my home buying. I feel like I’m getting worse instead of better.
But.
I am noticing that my “fuzzy” days are closely related to anniversaries, or a split ( Iv been told to stop calling them that, but it’s a true statement) is acting up for some reason.
I live in photos…. my memory fractions so badly- like recently I forgot how to do my job. Iv been doing for 5 years…
I wish you healing and comfort.
Hi Ravensden,
Thank you for reminding us that we are accomplished folks in many ways. Our DID did not (does not) stop many of us from accomplishing goals of education, career, families, friends, life – just being darn good folks to be with. Our trauma-based DID was placed on us but it does not define who we are.
ME+WE