Leaving the perpetrators.
Separating from the bad guys.
Putting distance between yourself and the person / persons who are hurting you, no matter who they are.
This is a huge topic in the treatment process for most dissociative trauma survivors. Safety. Obtaining safety from the people who are hurting your mind, body, soul, and spirit.
Dissociative trauma survivors who had an entire childhood entangled with abusive perpetrators learned to stay with, comply with, and obey offenders. These trauma survivors were clearly taught by their abusers not to leave — ever. Ouch!
Survivors of domestic violence and chronic family abuse often also spend years in the same home as their perpetrator-offender-abusers.
We all know safety is a good thing — something we are supposed to want and need.
So why is it hard to separate from someone who hurts you? Here are a few reasons. There are more….
1. The offender is a person of significance in your life.
It’s easier to leave a complete random “bad guy” when they are a stranger to you, but when the offender is someone important in your life — a father, mother, brother, sister, husband, wife, uncle, aunt, close neighbor, long-term friend — then it is much more complicated. The more important that person has been to you, the harder it will be to leave them.
2. The offender might be someone who you love or have cared deeply for.
Yes, it is very possible, and even common, to have tender feelings for someone who hurts you. This creates a giant conflict inside, of course, and it might feel like a love / hate relationship. It can be quite emotionally difficult and painful to leave a perpetrator when there have been years of love, or connection, or deep bonding built through a long expanse of time.
3. You may very well feel very tied to the offender on several different levels.
Your perpetrator may be involved in your life in several ways. They might be your close family member, your friend, your financial support, and your home repair / car mechanic all rolled up into one person. The more roles the offender has in your life, the harder it is to leave them.
4. You might not have the resources on your own to separate from your abuser.
Do you have your own home away from the abuser? Do you have your own vehicle or a mode of transportation? Do you have an income that is completely separate from the abuser’s income? If you leave your offender, do you have a safe place to be? Will you be out in the streets, homeless, and penniless? The fewer resources you have that belong only to you, the harder it will be to leave the offender.
5. You may have compassion, understanding, and tolerance for your offender’s health problems, and / or mental health problems.
Many offenders come loaded with additional health and mental health struggles of their own. For survivors tangled in deep bonding with their perpetrators, their genuine care and concern for the health and welfare of the offender person may make it more difficult to leave the situation. Will he stay on insulin properly? Will he take his medicine in a regular and helpful manner? Will she eat nutritionally? Will the offender be able to function?
6. When you leave, your offender may be at a high risk for suicide or destructive self harm.
Some offenders struggle from such deep emotional turmoil and mental health troubles of their own, that losing you may leave them more vulnerable to self harm, including suicide in response. This is NOT to say, ever, that this is the survivors fault or responsibility. The offender is completely responsible for their own choices, including suicide or self harm. However, this is a strong statement of reality for some people, and something the survivor may need to acknowledge, wrestle with, and resolve within themselves prior to leaving their perpetrator.
7. You may not recognize abuse as abuse, or the offender as an offender.
For some survivors of chronic, long term abuse, the abuse has become so massively normal to them, that it’s not even seen as abuse. Doesn’t this happen everywhere? Don’t all families do this? The answer may very well be no, and absolutely not! Many survivors of long-term abuse first need extensive counseling, therapy, and emotional assistance in order to see and understand what is healthy behavior, in order to be educated about leaving perpetrators.
8. When you have hope that the offender will stop being so abusive.
This is a difficult scenario, as once the survivor is emotionally entangled in a relationship with an abuser they have genuinely cared for, there might be hope, or a belief, or reason to expect the abuser will change their offending ways. Many an offender has been known to cycle around and around through the cycle of abuse, apologizing at certain points, but not ever truly making lasting change. Other offenders do begin to understand their behavior is wrong and work hard to correct this. Please be careful in discerning those who are using this approach to manipulate versus those who are genuinely involved in getting help to improve their behavior.
9. You may feel too fearful to leave the perpetrator.
Perpetrators can be very dominating, controlling, violent, and dangerous people. They ARE willing to hurt you. They have already proven that, many times over. Your perpetrator may have clearly threatened or be able to cause serious harm to you, or your loved ones if you leave. Your fear may be very well warranted and well grounded in reality, and it may very well be necessary to create a detailed safety plan / exit strategy before you attempt to leave the situation. In order to truly get out of an abusive relationship, you might have to plan ahead, and find workable solutions to address the fears you experience.
10. You may feel too alone, too powerless, too small, too vulnerable to leave your perpetrator.
If you are in an abusive relationship, and if you are being hurt or threatened, please know that there are many helpful counselors and therapists, and community agencies available to help assist you in making the decision to leave your perpetrator. You might need therapy and counseling to strengthen your internal resources, to become stronger in defending yourself from abuse, and to recognize how ongoing violence and abuse is negatively impacting your life.
You don’t have to stay connected to an offender.
You don’t have to live a life filled with violence and destruction.
You don’t have to be inappropriately touched or looked at by family members.
You don’t have to be sexually abused, physically abused, spiritually abused, verbally abused, or emotionally abused.
You deserve a healthy life full of freedom and goodness too. Just because you are used to the darkness of perpetrators, that does not mean you have to stay attached to them.
The choice is yours, and no matter what the perps taught you, you CAN leave them, and you do NOT deserve a life of abuse.
When you are ready to go….. There are people who can help you.
Live your life, be happy, and be safe!
I wish you oodles and gobs of genuine safety in your healing journey.
Warmly,
Kathy
Copyright © 2008-2018 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
I am not in an abusive household…my situation is that I work with someone who is VERY triggering for me….I sense “undercurrents” from her which leave me lost as to how to handle it all….throwing me into “twilight zones” that leave me wondering if what I am sensing is “real” or “NOT real”……It has hit me so hard at times I have had to break away from work (with the boss’ permission because he is aware I have “PTSD”)……Even though my boss tries to understand – it ultimately ends up making me look like something is “wrong” with me and the grapevine flies……
I have been constantly struggling with this for 3+ years – trying hard to make it NOT “bother” me – and have yet to succeed…..My boss tells me that I “take things too personally”….but when “warnings” are going off Inside like crazy – how do I NOT take it “personally”…….I live in a more rural area and finding another job that would not create massive financial stress – (more than I already have) – is very difficult……
Besides….it is HARD to make a stand and “get away” if you’re not even sure if what you are “getting away from” is “real” or not…..it is hard for me to find the dividing line between “present reality” and what is ONLY trauma based (meaning she is actually NOT doing to me what it “feels” like she is doing)….Confusion is a HUGE constant factor for me……#7 is probably my biggie……
I keep waiting for PROOF of which way things really are ….but proof is perpetually elusive……Because the “abuse” I feel is not physical – but more mental and emotional – I don’t know how to handle it….Anger and sometimes Rage churn Inside and I don’t know what to do with it except to keep hiding it all as best as I can…….
If what I “sense” from her is all ONLY my “imagination”…..how can it be so constant, so intense, and lasting SO long…….I wish I knew “where I was”……..
MissyMing
07/21/19
I identify most with #7. I don’t see my parents as abusers, but my parts certainly do. When looking through certain parts’ viewpoint, I definitely see this article applying. I can’t help but see the last 15 years as frustrating to me in the sense that I keep moving back in with my parents, for various reasons. It’s so hard on me and my parts because our relationship with them is so complicated. It’s like no matter what I do, I can’t get away from them.
The thing is, I personally have a good relationship with the parents. Their nice to me. None of my parts come out, but they want to be away from them so bad that I feel so torn. It’s hard to hear things about the parents because of their goodness to me, but others remember all the bad stuff.
So I don’t know, maybe getting away is the healthier option, but we just can’t right now…
Uhm… So me and my mother are in an abusive household. My father breaks things a lot- and he verbally abuses us constantly- especially her. And I want to leave, but I rely on my mother due to multiple mental disorders I’m diagnosed with… and I don’t want to leave without her, but she also leaves for short bursts of time and then goes back to him. I don’t know how to help her or myself in this situation. The cops came once but they just left because my parents lied and said they were only arguing (please, he broke a phone because she was texting someone. That’s not just arguing)- I’m 20 and my mother is 43. Can you give me some advice…?
(The name listed isn’t my real name, sorry I just don’t feel comfortable revealing it atm)
PS: Pilgrim.. People want to help you succeed, really they do! And that’s what the meaning of life is all about. I figured that out one day by thinking of those that helped me. And why they did it. And how they take care of themselves too, they are healthy and balanced spirituality, mentality. I started following their examples. I started helping others and animals in small ways. That’s what life is about! I never understood why people lived..why ? I just always wanted to die and no wonder..its because i was surounded by abusive people that didnt want me to succeed, didn’t care if I died. Being around healthy people changed me! I’m doing that now too and it feels great! That’s lifes reward. Really this is what its all about..its not just about ourselves. Donate your time to something you feel is important. It’s easy..I like to help the elderly shop. And my neighbers love my cupcakes! It really does make you better and you make some friends too. Start small..( adopt a homeless pet) good luck!
Hi Pilgrim, I read what Kathy wrote and I agree. Sometimes you just got to do it..plan..leave! I got a 1way ticket to a state far far away from my horrable family. It wasn’t easy,but at 48yrs old I had had enough. I searched out where the homeless shelter was before I left and that’s where I went when I got there. They opened countless doors for me..all because I took a chance that my life could get better. I got my own housing and donated furniture..I’m so happy! We are all safe now and I have a whole ocean between me and abusers. I know I did the right thing I hope you can too. And it’s easier to help your alters when you can explain why they will never have to worry about being hurt. It will never happen again.. I Am GREATFUL to those that have helped me, it’s weird to have people care so much..but it’s very nice. Try it. Hope you find a way.
While I completely agree with your post and I truly believe most of what you said pertains to us, the one thing that always brings us back is the programming. Our therapist has no experience with DID and has no idea how to handle the programming so we end up back in the same old situation. If we had a way to figure out the programming we may be able to separate from the negative influences in our life once and for all. Until then we feel completely stuck. Hopefully one day there will be more resources available for us.
Thank you for all the time you dedicate to helping those of us who are often left feeling lost and forgotten. I know we truly appreciate it!
Maybe theyre the only ones you can count on.
Pilgrim…..
I am going to speak candidly to you about this.
Because IF that is how you truly feel about abusive perpetrators….
Ask yourself WHY you have let your perpetrators have this place of importance in your life. For year, after year, after year, for years….. Well into your adulthood when you clearly have opportunities for other options.
Ask yourself WHY other safer people — who could be your support — might find that “unbreakable bond” with you and your perpetrators completely offensive, off-putting, and massively disturbing — enough to keep their distance from you.
Ask yourself WHY your friends and therapists can see this dysfunction very clearly, immediately, even after all these years, and obviously without all the details, but you still can’t seem it get it.
Ask yourself WHY anyone else would stand with you if you are determined to stay so close to perpetrators.
You don’t get it both ways.
If you want to keep sexually offensive / offending people in the top spots of your life, you won’t have any space or room to have healthy people with you.
You pick who you want in that spot closest to you.
Obviously, you have picked abusive sex offenders to be your main support. You allow them to be there in your life at the cost of excluding everyone else.
If you don’t like that, make different choices. Build some stronger boundaries against perpetrators, and pick healthier people to be there instead.
It’s up to you to make the changes.
Tough words to you, yes, but I believe you’ve been reading here long enough that I can speak with honest and blunt strength to you.
You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.
I do wish better for you…..
Kathy
Wehn you arond bad pepol it seem like good pepol be so far away.land mabey the good pepol dont be rel after all. They be so far awa. There nice words be far awa. Mabey them dint ever be rel. So it fel like you have to lisin to the bad pepol.becuz that be all there be.
What if its more than all these. If you just cant. Too tied together. They own you. What if you dont have anyone who can actually help. What if youre just alone with them and cant get away?
These all reasons be a lot like missy. I think them all be her. But her wont admit it
I really needed this. 7 number 7 is me and he just left me. I needed a break from the abuse but he doesn’t care about me to work on it. I hurt his pride by running away.
Very good article, Kathy.
Mebbe cuz there big and them own you and you dont get to say waht you want cuz them dont lisin aneway and they can hert you real bad
Theyre the only ones who give a fuck about what happens to you and the only ones who give a fucking shit about what is happening in your life,