I selected this article to re-blog because it already has 46 comments connected to it, and links to an article about the benefits of being multiple with 59 comments. Wow !!
That tells me y’all have a lot to say about these topics, and I’m certainly interested in hearing more.
I’m not multiple, so I don’t really have a say.
I’m looking forward to hearing from those of you that know all about it.
Your thoughts and comments are welcome, of course.
Copyright © 2008-2017 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
Although I respect, understand and am grateful that I developed an inner system to survive and cope with the terrors I experienced in childhood, I definitely do not like being a multiple. Everyday life feels like a nightmare most of the time and I’m so conflicted inside. I functioned extremely well throughout most of my life, completely unaware of my parts. A traumatic event two years ago opened everything up and suddenly my system could no longer function in any sort of a cohesive way anymore. I’ve got a family to support and care for and the chaos inside makes that almost impossible some days. The more inner awareness and communication I develop, the louder it seems to get and at least one of my inner parts is prone to self harm and suicidal tendencies which has made for a pretty rough year. I wish that integration was a much quicker and less painful process. I don’t want to ignore or get rid of any of my parts, but if I could snap my fingers and suddenly be “one”, I would.
To be clear, I do not hate any of my parts inside. Even those that are continuously mean to me or engage in behaviors I don’t approve of. And I totally appreciate that having parts of me is what kept us alive. I am sure we would not have survived otherwise. But, trying to function as someone with DID is more than just challenging, and if I could, I would want to integrate us. I do not believe that parts die off or whatever if we are integrated. I mean after all, that would include killing myself, too, if that were true. I believe if we were integrated we could experience the world together as one, which I would think would be advantageous to everyone inside.
Living the way I do now means I live with a lot of amnesia, never know what is going to happen next, and most importantly, I don’t get to live as a complete person. My range of emotion is very limited, which is why I am good at functioning and keeping us together. But, it feels kind of robotic, and I would like to feel more deeply and just feel a little more human. The dissociative walls I have now keep me from living like a “real person.”
I think all parts of me bring strengths to the table. If we were to act as one person, it would seem we could be amazing. That’s what I hope for…
Kathy THANK YOU for this interesting question, what if you DON’T like being a multiple or as my therapist says, D.I.D. he says they no longer call it multiple personalities disorder they call it Dissociative Indentity Disorder, I say whatever, tomatoe tamotoe it’s still the same to me and others, anyway. I personally do NOT want to be a multiple because someone can always say “maybe one of your alters said or did that” it’s used sometimes as a weapon for invalidating a person or discrediting them. My therapist said if he has his choice he would choose D.I.D. because it is basically mainly a COPING strategy and SURVIVAL, only problem is sometimes the SURVIVAL mechanisms get trigger without out of the blue and maybe because sometimes flashbacks seem SO REAL that you think your still being abused. or your radar is up and at the ready and noone gets it or understands. I KNOW some people like to use D.I.D. as an excuse for their behaviors, but honestly if you switch and behave in an unacceptable way, you really might NOT know it and then feel great remorse for doing something you did not mean to do. I did not choose this disorder and I hate it because of my thoughts and memories drive me to suicidal feelings that anger others because they don’t know my thoughts and feelings and I cannot shut them off. Then I get mad at people who don’t seem compassionate for those with mental disabilities. I know when my mom got dementia one person told me, your mother can’t help how she behaves, she does not know what she is doing, well it CAN BE the SAME thing when alters surface and you are no longer there because another alter is there for some reason, and you do not know what happened but you think and suspect something did but there is no compassion for that like there is for Dementia or autism or being mentally retarded, as one of my family members was mentally retarded she was so sweet but when she acted up they said, she has mental retardation and cannot help it same as autism, hey I am very understanding of those with impairment and I can have understanding and compassion I just wish my D.I.D. had the same equality and understanding and compassion. I understand my D.I.D. kept me alive for sometime but now I struggle with suicide and now it’s been compounded with the recent wave of Priest Abuse issues that have hit the media again, by the Popes orders and the victims like me are being given an opportunity to tell the courts what happened when they were abused, again my D.I.D. developed from abuse physical mental and sexual and I am dealing with the abuse and the survival part all over again. So here I go RELIVING the abuse again going through suicidal feelings thoughts and survival, even the pastor from the church I attended told me of being sick and tired of D.I.D. and it was my right and choice if I started struggling with it again because of this Priest Abuse issue that surfaced again, knowing full well, that I am dealing with it again, my pastor has left me alone. I hope God convicts my pastor