. This is a sad, sad, oh so very very sad week in my household.
On Monday, we said goodbye to a very dear young man, only 27 yrs old, a young man that had been my neighbor and “second son” for many years.
This young man was one of my son’s best friends, my son’s dearest childhood pal. “Way back when,” he lived next door from us for at least five years, but he has been included as part of our extended family unit ever since, no matter where in the world he lived, or we lived.
His middle name was Payne, and unfortunately, his personal life was full of pain. He experienced all sorts of family troubles, family dysfunction, abandonment, and loss. I had hoped and believed that semi-adopting him into our family, welcoming with wide-open arms for 20 yrs, would help fill the gap in his family wounded-ness.
Maybe we helped, but yet his pain was too great. Chemical addictions lied to him, and sadly complicated so many already complicated life complications.
He felt discouraged, lost, hopeless. It breaks my heart to know he felt so down about himself when he had so many talents and abilities. He was intelligent, charming, witty, and full of fun. There was never a dull moment when my little “Gerkins” was around.
He will be dearly missed. And I will always and forever always love that young man. As will my son, who will never ever have another friend like Gary. My heart truly breaks for him too.
It’s just so sad. So very very sad.
The official statement is that we lost this beautiful young man due to an accidental overdose. And of course, that is possible. Still tragic, regardless.
Unfortunately, suicidal feelings are very common.
Many dissociative trauma survivors I know have also lost someone they knew and loved to suicide. For that matter, most dissociative trauma survivors I know have had some very close calls with intense suicidal feelings and have made various suicide attempts.
For my neighbor-son, his depression and personal struggles overtook him. He couldn’t see his worth, his beauty, his talents. He began thinking and believing the world would be better without him. Whether he meant to take his life, or whether he desperately wanted some temporary relief through drugged-out numbness — either way — his pain was too great for him to carry any longer. And he ddn’t see his own worth in the middle of it all.
Nothing could be further from the truth. He was and will always be precious.
We all can hold a place of beauty, worth, and value. If you are struggling with suicidal feelings, don’t believe the lies of darkness. Your life will have more worth than you realize.
My Scary Gary “Gherkins” didn’t understand this. And now, there are many of us in this world who will always carry pain in our heart for him.
Please don’t take chances so close to the edge of life and death.
Please don’t chose suicide.
With so so so much sadness,
Copyright © 2008-2015 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
There are no words, but I am so very sorry. Sorry for the pain now in your heart Miss Kathy and sorry that that young man felt such pain. Thank you for sharing, making me think through my own feelings of worthlessness and feeing disgusting. If it’s ok, I’m sending lots and lots of hugs to you and anyone else reading who might need one. Thank you for you, Miss Kathy!
Us Plus says
So Sorry for this loss Kathy. And you had poured 20 years of your life into caring for him. What an ache! I’m so sorry. And so sad for your son to lose his buddy …
We fight these feelings sometimes too. I like what Mr. Rogers said, “Find the Helpers, Look for the Helpers, there will always be the Helpers.” For us ~ there have always been the Helpers. Sometimes we had to search very hard ~ but there they were & I had to learn to trust them in order to stay alive.
Thank you for being one of the Helpers Kathy. You touch so many lives here & you really matter.
Helen C says
So sad for you. What a terrible loss. I lost my darling brother to suicide a year ago. It’s such desperate pain. I hope you are finding comfort in the loveliness of you family x
All the Jill People says
Missing you, Genesis.. we lost you this year.. ?
Jill Summerville Sparks says
Had a very dear friend who shot themselves while talking on the phone with me. It’s a terrible.. Terrible thing.
My grandsons dad hung himself leaving this world without ever knowing his son.
Seen my cousin commit the act in front of me…
It’s a bad.. Bad.. Bad…
And then people wonder why we think sometimes (even now as we type) of ending it all. Living with depression is a hard thing. Living with a chronic condition makes it harder. Living with DID even harder to just hold on. We struggle soooo much.. And only want the pain to end. The frustration.
While it may well seem to be a lie to others.. That isn’t how we experience the noise inside. What we see is a way out… A way to be free… A way NOT to be such a burden on every one else.. A way to end the chaos of diabetes… A way to not to be blamed for the roller coaster of medical issues that professionals suggest we have control over.. A way to end the madness of feeling so yucky all of the time.. Just a way to be free… Finally free.
This may be. A lie.. But that is what we see a lot of the time. We would only like for once in our life.. Not to deal with this.
It’s an ongoing process… But we relate to those who have accomplished this.
We also relate to the feelings that come to those left behind….
Sincere condolences, thoughts and prayers….
Kathy Broady says
oh Jill, you’ve seen some very very traumatic things! I hear your pain, and the overwhelm from the never-ending struggles on so many levels all at the same time. Life has clearly been very very difficult for you.
But you know…. I’d be willing to bet you’ve done some very positive things, and had a beautiful impact for people too — not just been “a burden”. Have a think… I strongly encourage you to see the good in who you are, because it’s there. No doubt in my mind it’s there. I’ve only known you from the kind posts you make on this blog, but I can tell by the words you write that there is definite beauty, gentleness, love and kindness in your heart, soul, and spirit.
And THAT is worth so so so much more than you realize…
Be kind to YOURSELF, Jill… You’ve got more good in you than you remember.
One of my friends died from an overdose. And some kids from high school. And my other friend shot himself in the mouth. Sometimes you just cant think of any other way to make things better. Sometimes it sounds like a really good option. Because life never stops being painful and sometims you get sick of it.
Hope's Hearth says
Terribly sorry to hear about your loss 🙁 Praying for comfort and peace for you.
Some of my friends killed them selfs. It is terribol.
Kathy Broady says
Thanks for your comments everyone – I knew that many of you would deeply relate to this kind of situation. It’s just tragic, to me. Life has so many many options…. It’s just toooo sad when people lose sense of their worth and value.
Your gentle thoughts and kindness are appreciated.
And….. Never underestimate YOUR worth!!!
I am so, so very sorry 🙁 This is so terribly sad.
Liberty McLeary says
Our thoughts are with you and yours <3 we are so very sorry for your loss <3
Chris Krebs says
Thank you for sharing. I too lost a best friend many years ago to suicide. My heart still aches for him. I still cry when i think about his sadness.
Such a sad story. Yea, the lies of depression and addiction continue partially because we have become a society that permeates falsehoods and immediate gratification. If we could have done more is such a gutt wrenching question. How do you instill hope and replace the lies of hopelessness? How do we get rid of shame? The only thing you can do is be there and walk their talk. And sometimes that is not enough either.
I have had suicide in my life in one way or another all my life. God bless you.
These Glass Bones says
I am so sorry for your loss x
I’m so sorry, Kathy :'(
Jean Eisenhower says
I’m so sorry for your loss, Kathy.
I’m sorry for you and your families loss. Totally tragic to hear of anyone in so much pain that they end their life.
We are SO sorry for loss Kathy 🙁
We have been down this dark road and almost lost our fight to the darkness-plus lost a very dear friend to suicide. She is gone now but never forgotten. Our thoughts are with you and your family.