. This is a sad, sad, oh so very very sad week in my household.
On Monday, we said goodbye to a very dear young man, only 27 yrs old, a young man that had been my neighbor and “second son” for many years.
This young man was one of my son’s best friends, my son’s dearest childhood pal. “Way back when,” he lived next door from us for at least five years, but he has been included as part of our extended family unit ever since, no matter where in the world he lived, or we lived.
His middle name was Payne, and unfortunately, his personal life was full of pain. He experienced all sorts of family troubles, family dysfunction, abandonment, and loss. I had hoped and believed that semi-adopting him into our family, welcoming with wide-open arms for 20 yrs, would help fill the gap in his family wounded-ness.
Maybe we helped, but yet his pain was too great. Chemical addictions lied to him, and sadly complicated so many already complicated life complications.
He felt discouraged, lost, hopeless. It breaks my heart to know he felt so down about himself when he had so many talents and abilities. He was intelligent, charming, witty, and full of fun. There was never a dull moment when my little “Gerkins” was around.
He will be dearly missed. And I will always and forever always love that young man. As will my son, who will never ever have another friend like Gary. My heart truly breaks for him too.
It’s just so sad. So very very sad.
The official statement is that we lost this beautiful young man due to an accidental overdose. And of course, that is possible. Still tragic, regardless.
Unfortunately, suicidal feelings are very common.
Many dissociative trauma survivors I know have also lost someone they knew and loved to suicide. For that matter, most dissociative trauma survivors I know have had some very close calls with intense suicidal feelings and have made various suicide attempts.
For my neighbor-son, his depression and personal struggles overtook him. He couldn’t see his worth, his beauty, his talents. He began thinking and believing the world would be better without him. Whether he meant to take his life, or whether he desperately wanted some temporary relief through drugged-out numbness — either way — his pain was too great for him to carry any longer. And he ddn’t see his own worth in the middle of it all.
Nothing could be further from the truth. He was and will always be precious.
We all can hold a place of beauty, worth, and value. If you are struggling with suicidal feelings, don’t believe the lies of darkness. Your life will have more worth than you realize.
My Scary Gary “Gherkins” didn’t understand this. And now, there are many of us in this world who will always carry pain in our heart for him.
Please don’t take chances so close to the edge of life and death.
Please don’t chose suicide.
With so so so much sadness,
Copyright © 2008-2015 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation