When darkness sits on people, it can really sit on them.
And squish them down.
And remove all joy, love, beauty from their lives.
Or for those with Dissociative Identity Disorder, the dark side of the system can completely flip over the top, dominating the other sides of the system. The dark ones are in control. DID survivors, split and torn by years of traumatic darkness, pain, and heartbreak.
When addictions tromp in, the flip gets sealed in place. Hold on tight – the ride is going to get ugly now.
Those dark worlds promise so much in the beginning. Fun. Freedom. No one tells YOU what to do. Party on! Hours, days, weeks of drinking, drugging, anything that alters the state of mind. Darkness loves raging of any kind. And rage it is.
It might seem fun in the beginning. It usually “feels” fun in the beginning.
Except it hurts people.
It hurts those near you, and it hurts you.
Yet remember…. It came from hurt. It is hurt lashing out. Hurt becoming the hurter.
It’s so deeply devastating to watch someone you care about slip into the depths of darkness, consumed in the darkness, sinking further and further. In your despair, and panic, you may try everything you know to pull them out. It can feel to be an impossible task.
It’s messy.
It’s painful.
When you’re involved with someone lashing out that much hurt, you are likely to get hurt yourself.
That depth of darkness comes from a depth of pain.
It’s probably more about emotional pain, heartache, heartbreak, loss, rejection, abandonment, loneliness, isolation, despair, anguish. . .
When covered in the darkness, that person doesn’t care about the hurting of others. They only feel the lashing out needed from the overwhelm of their own pain. In that place, it feels better to be dark too. Lash out. Strike back. Push away.
It’s all so very complicated.
There are very fine lines between defending your own self from the lashings of darkness, and setting limits for what is an acceptable way to be treated. You’ll be targeted in the rage when you get close to that pain. Strong boundaries are essential, of course.
Yet your gentleness and kindness of spirit is needed too.
To hear the pain, see the despair, and heal the hurt.
Battling away the darkness with a balance of firm yet gentle. Solid yet soft. Strong yet giving.
Find a way to reach into that darkness, and connect with the beauty of that person you care about. It’s there. They’ve been hurt. Their beauty will come back out when it sees it is safe to do so.
Can you make it safe for them again? Will you?
Lots to think about…..
Such a complicated topic….
I wish you the best in your healing journey.
Warmly,
Kathy
Copyright © 2008-2018 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
very recently our rage-holding alter Simone attacked our host in a very public rant, something she’s never done before, well not so publicly, she was beyond upset, demanding we let her die.
yesterday we had an episode of despair, and this morning we figured out, well we think we did, that it was Simone’s passive influence responsible for it. it’s a overwhelming situation to be in, but thankfully we have a sort of process in place to at least somewhat cope with the self-harm urges, we run and hide in bed with Duffy bear. that way we are away from things Simone wants to use to hurt us with, and our rational parts know that it will eventually pass though it certainly doesn’t feel that way at the time.
there have been recent pretty dramatic events that triggered her behaviour, and we have been dealing with it in therapy. still, Simone is kind of lurking, just beneath the surface it feels like, waiting for an opportunity to pounce.
That is hard to walk through, Daria…..To not only be dealing with Outside triggerings causing turmoil….but to be on guard for an Insider who can cause more havoc…..which you don’t know how to explain…..
Glad that you have a process that works for you…good for Duffy!….whatever works – even if an Outsider doesn’t understand what you are doing….We have SI who is always in the background – watching what is going on….always ready to step in and do her job of giving us a way out of the overwhelm…..She thinks she is doing “good”…..we just have to keep finding a way that is “better”……
It is one thing when she is trying to “help” you….but it’s another when all you feel is the Insider’s hate for you….Again – so glad you have Duffy!….
Please take care of yourself….we hear you….
MissyMing
12/20/20
this is going on with us now. Feel like we are in an abusive pattern against the selves. Been here for quite a while. Afraid that the bad is going to win and take us all out. So afraid.
Hello Deborah,
The bad does not have to win out. You have battled much worse in your life (with much fewer resources I might add) and have survived. You can do. You are not alone here. Fear is okay … that is real and honest. But you do not have to have the fear paralyze you. Keep talking here and getting it out. Fear and bad shrivel in the light of acknowledgement, truth and understanding.
Be patient and gentle with yourself.
ME+WE
03/26/19
YOU ALL SAY TALK WITH THE DARK ONES. HOW DO YOU CONFRONT ONES THAT HURT YOU? THAT YOUR AFRAID OF. THAT JUST SEEM TO BE SILHOUETTE.
Hi LORI2,
Talking with the dark ones is tricky. I am still working on that myself. Sometimes dark ones are just lost in the darkness. I try to let all of my insiders know that they are loved, respected and welcomed. I do set protocols for no harm – to me, the body or other insiders including themselves.
Check out the article below. It may help:
An Example of Doing Internal System Work with a DID System
ME+WE
03/05/19
Yup! Rage is hard….I have a Rage part who watches Outsiders and Outside situations to see if “we” are being deceived and used….He can be very outspoken and will use poor word choices (for shock value??) if he thinks certain Outsiders are choosing to NOT hear “me”…..
It can feel like a “3 ring circus” sometimes…Rage watching Outside situations to make sure they don’t “take advantage” of the triggered, young compliant parts – who are “supposed” to be nice and good….and “I” am watching Rage to make sure HE doesn’t go overboard….but I usually end up either going “numb” or trying to smooth over a mess……He seems to get the most intense when “I” (Her?? Outside Her??) am hit with confusion as to whether something happening is “OK” or not……Rage has little patience…..
Even though I have seen this “protector” Rage who watches out for the compliant “littles” while I am dealing with the Outside World….I have also seen another (???) Rage Inside who will turn on the littles if they don’t “do right”….Haven’t figured out if they are two different Rages or the same one who is NOW thinking he is still protecting them by turning on them….but it feels like this particular Rage is WAY “too hard” on them…..
Although I haven’t yet clearly seen HOW he “punishes” them – I am aware of the turmoil of it…..but then I get confused about THAT, too – if it is “good” or “bad”……If they ARE two different Rages, then they look VERY similar and I have to wait and see if he turns on an Outsider or one of the littles before I can figure out “which one” he is….How weird is that?????
(I just remembered that when Daddy beat us when we were growing up…Ma didn’t know what to say except “He beats you because he ‘loves’ you and wants you to ‘be good'”….but it always felt to me like any moment we could die…any attempt from either us or Ma to stop him only made the situation WORSE…he got even angrier…..Did “love” look like that???….I didn’t know…..By the time I was in my teens I couldn’t read or say that “4 letter word” because of all the confusion and anger it stirred up…..I can say it now when it is expected – but have to go “numb” to do it….Maybe that 2nd Rage is some type of “Daddy Introject” that is still trying to convince the littles that what he is doing is “right”????? …… I don’t know…….Like I said, “a 3 ring circus”…………………
For years I avoided the ‘dark ones’ and felt bad when they came out. Then realised that Rogue was one of my protectors so all his efforts were to be angry, alienating, act weird to put people off, keep people away. In his mind that was the only way for us to be safe. When I realised that was still embarrassed by his words and actions, but now recognise his motivation. We have had so much hurt – physical, emotional and sexual in our life that Rogue has to be contained to not rage,. We work hard to not lash out or be destructive and we are not violent but think we turn the anger back on ourselves. Remember reading that Carl Jung wrote in our darkness, in our shadows selves is the source of all healing and we need to make friends with those parts. Am on the best terms I’ve ever been with Rogue now and listen to and respect his point of view which has helped a lot. I do give him a voice at times though control his tendency to swear, rage – something I have never felt comfortable doing.
Helen,
Oh man, you are totally describing my situation with dark parts. I think it’s the hardest part of doing inside work. Thank you for sharing your experience, because it gives me hope that I can build some understanding with some of my dark insiders. It’s hard because they like to contribute trouble and bad things and it just isn’t easy to work with them. I’m glad you’re on good terms with Rogue; that shows you have been doing some hard work. Keep at it Helen!
Thank you again for sharing your experiences.
MultipleMe
12/16/18
Hello Helen,
Thank you for sharing your story and for pointing me in the direction of this blog article. I have been struggling all year with an angry one (Victoria) and I have felt myself loosing (and loosing ground) big time. But, I have hope in what you said: “Remember reading that Carl Jung wrote in our darkness, in our shadows selves is the source of all healing and we need to make friends with those parts.” I do not feel that Victoria and I are friends yet but at least we have opened up a dialogue. You cannot make friends with someone you do not talk to and get to know. So, I will end this year feeling sense of hope that Victoria and I are on the road to mutual respect if not friendship.
ME+WE
12/16/18
Ha ha ha. Yep. Not. Enough.
Too scared. Big trouble.
I am the darkness. I am not heavy. The other one is, but she is in her house and only comes out sparingly. I have made serene relapse in her ed. I have helped there be injuries. I am not planning to go anywhere.
What if it is us within the utter darkness, not lashing out, but sinking, sinking deeper and deeper? No drugs or alcohol use either, so that can’t even be pulled out to lift us up.
Just the quicksand of despair pulling us deep so that we are unable to feel anything good or positive or light
Wanting to die, knowing the way. Planning each step. Taking time so we know this decision is really right for us.
So, so very exhausted.
Ever sints january thats all there be around here
I miss laffing
I miss them girls laffing
I miss mty sister claire
She used to be so happy and funny
We used to think things wuld get better
But really they dont
I miss playing
I miss them girls when they didnt be sick all the time
I wish we culd feel like laffing again
I wish it didnt be like this
I wish the sun wuld come out agan
I wish this heavy wate wuld get off of us
From tuck
I have recently like in just today found your site and have watched some of your videos and read some of the articles you have written. You seem to have a good grasp on DID imo. So you have mentioned a couple of times about trust–and letting the others talk to safe people you trust–how do you ever really know if people can be trusted?
Here is the thing–we have a therapist and we have been working with her for 2 years and I think I trust her–well I trust more than I can honestly say I have ever trusted someone. She wants to start meeting the “others” and that terrifies me. How do you just willing let go of that control and just give it to someone else?
Hello Savannah, and welcome welcome to the Discussing Dissociation blog. 🙂
Keep reading…. There are various articles about those kinds of topics. Trust is never easy, especially after having experienced significant amounts of trauma. Take small steps, and then take some more. After two years, your therapist has very likely seen or spoken to some of your insiders by now, even if neither of you realized it. I’m sure you and your T can make some plans for how to / when to invite the others officially into the therapy process. If you haven’t had those conversations yet, it would be a good thing to talk about very soon!
Also, read the blogs about internal communication, because as you are more comfortable talking with your insiders, it won’t be as scary to let them have time with outside people.
For those interested in the Discussing Dissociation video series, Please check out this playlist on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLghS_v-7AL-SRv4J8iyhfTFgqR2i0-BOr
I wish you the best in your healing journey.
Warmly,
Kathy
I’m sure you and your T can make some plans for how to / when to invite the others officially into the therapy process……….here is the thing-I know the next logical step is to have this happen. I get stuck in this never ending spinning circle. It is like the more fear I have-the more control I need and it scares me lose that control to anyone so I have to find control. When I can get things to stop spinning–It feels like I am standing on the edge of some very high cliff and can’t jump-I have been here before–I can’t make it past this point. I don’t know why……..it has gotten to the point that I wish someone would just push me off the edge so then I could finally know what is out there.
I know my T would never hurt me intentionally-I know she is a good person with a good heart-I know she can be trusted……this has absolutely nothing to do with her. But even though I really do know all those things about her–I still get stuck in this place where I just spin. I have even gone to her office with a plan and was ready to do this–prepared to let someone come out and talk with her and to be honest I start to feel excited about it and moving forward and tell myself over and over again how much of a good thing it is. I can even have conversations with people on the way to her office and chat very freely with whomever–I get into her office and the plan goes right out the window. I can’t do it. It is like I freeze up or something and all I am faced with is the never ending walls from inside. No chatter-no people-nothing……..just walls-thick impenetrable walls
I do keep trying and I keep going back–it is just getting more than frustrating.
I will continue to read your blogs and have watched your videos now. Thank you for responding and thank you for having this blog. I find it very helpful 🙂
Thank You Kathy!
Your words are soothing and comforting and that means a lot for me right now.
I’ll follow your advise, I really want to get better and work for it..
Hi Kathy.
Your blog’s been helping me a lot during the last 2 years.
It’s really difficult for me to speak openly. I would like to do it, scream the scream that’s been stuck in my chest for as long as I can remember and cry for ages all the awful things that I had to go through.
But I can’t, I fear embarrasing others, an entire life making other people look good, shutting up, pretending everything is all right when it isn’t, and ultimately isolating myself when I cannot bear the pain anymore.
I wish I could switch and dissasociate, numb the feelings and the memories. But never could, had to live it painfully concious of what was really going on.
I don’t have a system of alters, it’s always me but at different ages. Time, feelings and places get so confusing sometimes. When I wake up after sleeping is when it gets worse. I’m really sorry if I don’t make much sense, this is the best way I can describe you how my reality is and feels like.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to smile again, from my heart and soul. It consumes all my energies fighting the darkness of depression and CPTSD and those parts of me that held joy or a playful attitude are so weak and fearful of the world now, that I don’t know what to do anymore.
And it’s Christmas, and this hurts a lot, like it never hurt before.
Hello Teensy,
Thank you for your comment, and a very belated welcome to the Discussing Dissociation blog. Wow, thank you for reading here the past 2 years! I appreciate that!
It sounds like you have spent many years of your life with battles, putting others above you, which can be good or even important at times, but it comes at a great cost to your own health and happiness. I encourage you to do some gentle things, just for you! Little things that YOU like, that your selves of any age like… Bring some tenderness and care into your own life. Give some of the goodness that’s dearly needed to your own selves…
There has been much pain in your life. Keep addressing your healing, it can get better. It really can.
Hold tight, and thanks for reaching out.
Warmly,
Kathy
Often on solstice you talk about what it can mean in RA. Granted, the calendar says it’s tomorrow, but it started tonight at sundown. I didn’t even think about it until I saw the first pic on this post. It is right out of my oldest “nightmare” (I’m positive it wasn’t a nightmare but that is what my mom chocked it up to ). I’ve been having a really, super hard day today. Horrible sadness and depression. Nothing could lift it. I didn’t make the connection until this post/pic. Fighting against the hurt that wants to happen. Just a little scared.
Hi Kiyacat,
You’re doing good work being able to sort out the super hard days and connecting those with what they mean to your insiders. Recognizing the “trigger” days, and knowing why they are difficult, is excellent progress. Now…. Continue to build good relationships with those insiders who had to experience the “nightmare”. Speak with them, show them now — December 2014 — and help them see the difference from then to now. Give them safety, comfort, quiet, peace in the now. Let them experience something better than what they remember from before. As you address their needs on those difficult days, and help those insiders to feel better, the whole of your system will feel better, even on the RA days.
Keep up the good work!!
Warmly,
Kathy
That sound like missy and mae and mical
We try to be extra nice to them but mical dont want us to
Hi,
The “dark” ones (not that we use that term) are probably our most hurt, and most “out” ones.
It doesn’t feel right for us to cause further segregation by terming parts as “good”/”bad”/”dark/”light” since all have developed because of severe trauma and live within way too much negative judgement as it is.#
Know this is kind of beside the points you were making with this post, but that’s just what it made me think.
Hi bbbr,
Thanks for your comment. It’s a good point. Different terms / words / descriptions work for different folks, so yes, by all means, please find what feels most respectful to your system and stick with that. Respect, compassion, and understanding of the most traumatized ones in your system is incredibly important to your healing. Keep up the good work! I’m glad you are embracing them with kindness. Well done.
I wish you the best in your healing journey.
Kathy