Hello Everyone,
The last posts have been about Depression and Dissociative Identity Disorder. A typical close neighbor to feeling depressed and struggling with the after-effects of trauma is addressing the self-injury monster.
Self injury, self destruction, self harm — and the numerous ways to say it — are some of the most read about topics on this blog. There are lots of folks wrestling with these issues.
Self injury is a very complex topic.
Lots of layers.
Lots of reasons.
My short video, Self Injury and Dissociative Identity Disorder, initiates a conversation about these topics.
What do you think? Can you relate to any of that?
- What are some of your thoughts?
- Have you made progress in your fight with self injury?
- Do you think of self injury as a kind of abuse?
- How do feel about protecting your system from all kinds of hurt, including self injury?
I wish you the best in your healing journey.
Warmly,
Kathy
Copyright © 2008-2017 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
It dont be abuse
Its my body i can do watever i want with it
I diserf it
I dont care if it get bernd or cuttid becuz i hate my stuped ugly body!!!!
Felings are bad and i awas am allone and i can cut wehn im all by miself and it dont matr
Its my body
I dont care if it gets hert
Missy
This is very scary. I am not supposed to look at this. Because of the trouble it caused. I live behind a real wall. Is this a wall like the lady wrote in the article? I saw it on Facebook and I clicked it and it came back to this and I am scared again. It’s ok if I say to someone else something that is to be supportive, but I am not to think of this in relation to my wall. Sorry if I’m not supposed to say this. I don’t really know where this is going, but ok, thank you and have a good day.
Hi None,
Wow … you have done it again None … pointing me to this blog article just when I needed it. I actually was going to write about this topic in another blog but I am here now (where I should be actually) so will speak to my issues in a separate post. It is great how we help each other find where we need to go in this website!
First, however, I want to respond to your posting here None. Please know that you are absolutely supposed to say what you are feeling and thinking anywhere that feels right for you on the website. There are no rules about this as far as I have seen. This blog topic is a scary issue for sure and one that I am not comfortable talking about (admitting to) myself either. So, I kind of think that I may know a little bit about how you are feeling. Maybe you can tell us more about what scares you here and why you are not supposed to look at this (only if you want to and you feel safe doing so).
I know that, if I am to heal, I have to face all of my dark places. I have dissociative walls that have kept much of my history separate from me. I am trying to take that wall down a brick at a time so I can see all that is behind it. I am not sure if this is the same kind of wall that you have None. Maybe you can tell me more about your wall and who lives on either side (again, only if you want to and you feel safe doing so).
My insiders live in two places – most live on a beach (this would be all of my little ones, my boys and one internal helper). The others (three teenagers and another internal helper) live in a forest up behind the beach. They never come out of the forest. In many ways, they feel banished there. This is rather like a wall in many ways dividing the beach dwellers and the forest folks.
What I do know is that I am trying to build communication between ME (the host) and all of my WE folks (my insiders). That is easier with some insiders then others. I have a pretty good relationship with my beach folks but have had limited interaction with my forest folks. And, only twice has one of my forest folks interacted with my beach folks. So, there is work to do there for sure. I know that I need to get everyone talking to me and to each other. ARGH … lots to do.
Sending you safe and positive energy None.
Your friend,
ME+WE
04/03/2018
I believe my system’s protector parts engage in emotional abuse in order to gain control of the pain. That is, if we’re hurting, we feel unsafe with feelings and want to be in charge—the source of our own pain. Sort of like, “You can’t hurt us anymore. Because I’ll hurt us.”
The problems with self-abuse in my system are many: harming us guarantees that we suffer! There is no option to survive the feelings, ride them out, or improve them. Like Kathy said, my parts have been hurt enough already.
New realities to help us stop self-harm: (1) feelings are survivable and containable. When they get too much, we have art, distractions (reading), therapists, and prescribed medication. (2) We deserve a chance to feel better and don’t need to guarantee pain by taking control of our hurting via self-abuse. Control is not real. Our trauma is over. Why continue it? One of our Ts says we don’t have to stand vigil over the pain to honor our abused parts. We need new, safe ways to honor them: self-compassion—understanding, acceptance, encouragement.
A long way to go and no better time to walk this journey than right now 🙂
“…we don’t have to stand vigil over the pain to honor our abused parts.”
Parts of it feels like awful painful loss. It sometimes is like if we let go of what created us we wont live anymore but that’s not true.
I love this comment.
Describes exactly what we feel sometimes.
Thank you for sharing.
I love what you therapist said about standing vigil over the pain.
There are definitely parts of me that feel that being healthy and safe in the present is forgetting and denying the abuse. And forgetting and denying means it happened in vain. And it means those hurt parts will be forgotten and isolated and left alone again.
It is a difficult balance. Learning to live here and now, in the present, while honoring those inside who suffered so much.
I love the idea of honoring them with compassion, understanding, acceptance and encouragement .
Thanks for sharing!
Heya Neo,
“It is a difficult balance. Learning to live here and now, in the present, while honoring those inside who suffered so much.”
It’s hard for us too. I feel like 5 minutes after I realize I am a we and we don’t live in that family anymore I have to pretend I care about anything out here in this world and my life is taken from me. Even if its bad its what I know.
For me it feels like I might die. I am not one of the fronts, I am the person that went through X and I dont know how to have it not be the reason I live. It was my life. If we don’t live in it anymore then I’m afraid I will disappear. I know about out here and now. I know its all over. we are not really there… But, I worked hard to live. How do people remember good stuff when its all entwined with the bad? Learning to live here means I gotta let go of everything I know. And part of it is like I went through hell and I did a lot of things that made us survive and I am proud of how I did some stuff. Letting go of the past means its no big deal anymore and where do I go? I fought hard to survive. And now its over. And now I can’t be me anymore. And what if something else happens and I’m not here? How do people do this?
To the lady who is in charge: I did not see this video. I watched the one from Facebook which was about walls and I think I wrote about it. I do not understand what this video with the flowers talks about.
Hi None,
I am not sure how you got directed to this blog. The video on this blog is about self-injury (another important topic). I went looking for the video that you saw on Facebook. I think that that one is called – Dissociative Trauma Survivors – Must You Be Alone? (on YouTube if others are interested). That was a very powerful video as well.
I can see how this video really spoke to you None as Kathy talks about dissociative walls and being all alone with our traumas, memories and emotions. When you are feeling strong enough and safe enough None maybe you can tell us about your wall, who lives there, who lives on the other side, etc. Just whatever you want to talk about (i.e., you do not have to talk about the wall if you do not want to).
It is okay to be scared None. We are all working through scary stuff so we know and understand. But you do not have to be alone any more. You have a friend in ME+WE and a whole community of folks here that want to listen, understand and help … and be friends too. You are not alone!
Your friend.
ME+WE
06/03/2018
Hi All,
Okay, so I do not know my forest dwellers very well (my folks live on the beach or in the forest). They really scare me in many ways because they deal with a LOT of anger. With that anger comes self-harm. Now, my version of self-harm does not involve doing physical damage of an overt nature. My harm is in over eating and drinking. I know that some times it is about soothing, filling me up, numbing me out, etc. But, my one insider also uses it to punish us. We have had suicidal ideations with no actual attempt. Another of my insiders manages to prevent that at the 11th hour even when there are plans in motion. So, my one really angry insider chooses to punish us in what she calls a slow and agonizing death because we need to be punished. We also need to be shamed and outed for the weak, disgraceful and disgusting person that we are according to her.
I thought that I had gotten my eating and drinking issues under control for about a year and a half. I actually stopped drinking and lost A LOT of weight and was starting to feel that I was getting closer to being my true self – how I had always envisioned myself. Then – BAM – the past eight months have been a disaster. My T tells me it was a natural response to the dark period that I have been going through but still I feel like I have undone so much of the good stuff (read weight loss) that I had done leading to more shame and … the downward spiral continues.
I hear what Kathy is saying about this being abuse of my self but I just cannot seem to stop myself. I can intellectualize the whole issue and know that I need to stop but … my brake pedal seems to be broken. I keep stomping down hard on it but I am just a runaway train speeding down a steep hill to the river below. The bridge is out and I know that I have to stop in order not to crash but … it is like I am sitting back and watching myself on a collision course.
What do I do to stop!?
ME+WE
04/03/2018
You can never have a series of healthy days without starting today. If we keep ourselves safe this minute and then this hour, the safe days will pile up!
If we can be safe this moment, then each moment unfolds in safety.
If we fall down, there is no better time to get up than when we notice we’re down.
We keep going to Therapy and do the long, slow journey of healing and living.
And we have each other. I would be honored to walk beside y’all. 3/4/18
Man! Where is the like button. I would totally “upvote” and “like” on your answer, T.Clark. Maybe a ditto button. A me too button? Hmm.
Well, ME + WE, I love T.Clark’s response and we are gonna second it. 🙂
Bang on agree Kennedy. You rock T.Clark!
ME+WE
03/07/2018
ME+WE: Could you respond to the angry insider with love, against all protestations? Are you comfortable going for walks during the day? Maybe a 20-30 minute walk every other day will help you to remain grounded, see outside beauty and also help your body find its norm. It may also be ok to be going in cycles, with the hope that each break from the downward spiral lasts longer.
Please treat yourself with love, patience and grace. You deserve to do so.
Thank you also to T. Clark for your positive perspective.
ME+WE: Thank you for being nice to me. I made a mistake because I sent a copy of this website to the lady who is helpful who lives on the other side of the wall of the world, which is my wall on the other side. I stand between them usually, and can walk around, but two times I saw the lady who is helpful. She said to come back again, but I am not allowed to be there. And, when I wrote the other day, also without permission, it was about a different video to do with walls, but the person who posts these put it on the red flower video, which I don’t understand, but you needed to see. So, it was a mistake with a good result. Please be nice to yourself. I would make you a picture if I met you, in case it would help you to visit the forest and make peace with the people who live there. Thank you for being my friend.
Hello Dear Friends,
You have blown me away once more with your wonderful insights and understanding on this topic T.Clark, Kennedy, Neo, None and Andrea. So blessed and honoured (like you T.Clark) to have y’all as my friends. I really hear what you have all said and appreciate the wisdom that you have shared with me. Now I have to find the courage and compassion in my own heart to change my ways – yes one minute, one hour, one day at a time.
I do so need to build compassionate dialogue with my angry one. My T tells her that she is welcomed and accepted for who she is and I try to do the same. I hear how she may indeed be “holding vigil over my pain”. Indeed, she also holds vigil over my anger – the anger that she was not able to express back in the age of innocence. She now feels the need to punish us (mostly ME the host) for unexpressed anger past and present.
Anger is such a tricky emotion for me. I can stand up and be fearless expressing my anger for others but, when it comes to me … well, I get all wrapped up in fear of abandonment, anger coming back at me, being punished for my anger, etc. That then quickly grows into shame, feeling unworthy and deserving to be punished. ARGH … those old messages are hard to overcome. And, in many ways, these feeling are reinforced by present day relationships. Everyone likes good old happy-go-lucky, easy going ME. I am afraid that they would like to see angry ME. Hum … much to work on.
Thank you again dear friends. I am so filled up with courage and resolve to keep going down my path to healing knowing that I have you all walking with me. ☺
ME+WE
03/06/2018
*** trigger warning ***
And now I know what the red flower video is about. A meanie came when someone was seeing pictures of privacy where the nice lady sits in her chair and then the arm has blood everywhere. I am scared. So scared. Time to hide and goodbye.
Hi None,
I am so sorry that you are feeling so scared. Do you have a safe place that you can go to? I am here when you feel safe to come out again.
Your friend,
ME+WE
03/07/2018
We will always support you, ME+WE. Your strength will prevail, and your open acceptance of your angry one will help her feel validated. I know it’s daunting. Use my strength.
Thank you Andrea! I so appreciate your support. 🙂
ME+WE
03/07/2018
ME+WE: hope you’re well. I look for your posts quite often.