And Dissociative Identity Disorder.
They are gonna happen.
At the same time….
Yes, at exactly the same time.
You can bet on that.
I’m so sorry…because oh my goodness, struggling with Depression, or struggling with DID is tough enough.
Putting them together, is a big ol’ whammy.
It’s a tough combination, but there are still plenty of things you can do.
Click here for seven helpful ideas….
I wish you the best in your healing journey.
Copyright © 2008-2018 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
Thank you so much for sharing this wonderful post with us.
Out of the 11 sessions we have scheduled with our present T, she has cancelled 4. She doesn’t reschedule for a different day or different time, just see ya the next time. She cancelled last week, she cancelled this week, see ya next week. Paranoid, I may be, but this is BULLSHIT! I dont need this. All of you know my previous probs with the last T getting sick and vanishing. Well, it must be me. It must be us. We dont need this shit anymore.
I wonder why your T is doing that. It’s unprofessional. It must be so frustrating to get all prepared for a session, only to be told never mind. Not to mention you want the help and she’s plain not helping! It’s rude and not nice and I’m sorry you’re experience this kind of behavior.
You’re right, it’s total BS. Do you think you can talk to her about it? Maybe ask her what’s up and ask for reschedules? Unless you don’t feel like seeing her. I hope otherwise she’s been helpful, but this almost makes it seem not worth it, but that’s just how I would feel if it were me. You don’t this anymore and it makes me mad for you that a therapist would be like this.
But it totally isn’t you, it’s only her. She’s the one with the issues, you’re just ready to move forward on your healing. Which is awesome by the way! It’s not you, it’s her.
I wish you the right solution to this situation.
KenKen to MultipleMe says
Thanks for your response. Yeah, it’s her. We get twisted quick with that though. I’m sure everyone here can understand. I did decide to have a short phone talk with her to tell her what was going on with us about it and well, she sounded out of it, like she was struggling and maybe drugged and something was wrong. Now that I know it’s not us I have some guilt for being upset. I know that it’s okay for us to be upset though so the guilt feelings will pass. And, we will get things more settled when we see her again. We wont give up on her because she really is a good T and is just the kind of T we need. So we will stick it out and find out how often these issues come up for her so we are not blindsided and we can be prepared. It’s good to know that T’s are human and have their own issues and need understanding and compassion and tolerance and flexibility and all the same things we need. I can do that for her. Now that we know she’s not doing to us on purpose and we can let go of those fears. Thanks again for the reply and for the caring support. Much appreciated. -b
WOW … agree with everything that MultipleMe has said here. This really sucks. We are talking about a third of your appointments being cancelled. I am with MultipleMe here that you need a frank discussion with your T here and a firm commitment from her that she is either all in or all out. She needs to know that it is not okay to cancel or to have one week go by without an appointment. Maybe she has good reason for what has happened. If that is the case, you need to know this. Bottom line, she has to know how you feel and some reasonable resolution needs to be worked out.
Send all kinds of strong, positive energy your way. Stay with us here and vent all that you want to. We are here for yous.
KenKen To ME+WE says
Mi Amor keeps walking all over my keyboard. lol. Thanks for the support and compassion. I think we are gonna stay in it and figure out what will work. Next appt is scheduled for Tue. We are doing better. Kinda had a lil meltdown there. I dont know how sick she is but I do know that she is a really good T when she’s there and she now knows how we feel about all this. And we tried to be kind and understanding and told her we would work things out. So, hopefully things are settled. At least a little more than they were.
Okay … really worried here … time to get ALL of your tools out and to work. Dealing with the torrent of feelings that often take us by surprise and leave us drowning in turbulent emotions is really scary. Know that you have a rock to cling to here. Right now maybe you cannot understand but just have to weather the storm. What you are feeling is understandable. You have a lot to be angry, full of hate and dark about. These are wounds from the past that are still open and raw. Just try and do the things that sooth you and help you ground. Reach out for help. And please … do not give up trying.
You concerned friend,
almost destroyed myself today. idk why. rage and hate inside black dark disgust
When I see darkness I hate it .I tell myself and the others sometime darkness needs to happen .
If darkness didn’t exist we wouldn’t have sunrises, if darkness didn’t exist we wouldn’t have a beautiful sunsets.
So what this means is when feeling happiness or calm or a peace it a good place. when sadness or anger jumps in. , hopelessness takes over takes. Then we do the work finding the issue so happiness can come back.
KenKen to Missy says
I really like this statement. Thanks for saying it Missy.
Kathy Broady MSW says
I have to agree with KenKen — that’s a beautiful way to reframe darkness. Great metaphor.
I can see the beautiful colors of the sunrise every morning from many windows and my front porch, and it’s one of my favorite times of day. And frankly, as I’ve moved around thru’ the years, I have insisted on selecting a home where I can have a very clear way to see either see the sunrise, or the sunset. Preferably both, but at least one or the other.
The contrasting colors and the unexpected changes in the sky make every single sunrise unique. I suppose that’s the way it is when we are processing the changes in our feelings and emotions as well. No one emotional sunrise is going to be the same as any other…
And if we think of our emotions surfacing and healing just as the sunrise comes up from the darkness, what a massive encouragement that can be.
Great stuff… lots to think about.
I appreciate your sharing!!
Kathy , Thank you I saw a quote today by Dolly Parton
If you want the rainbow, you need to put up with the rain.
So I posted it to my Internal bulletin board so Lori or am I can see it. It was the perfect quote to see this morning considered all that she going through. I’m Hoping your phone consult will Shed some light for her.
Thank you for being so vulnerable and reaching out. I think you’ve expressed it perfectly how one feels in going through all this “stuff”. I remember being in the psych hospital a few years back and a nurse came up to me and gave me a piece of paper with a picture on it and it had the words “Don’t give up.” That gave me a little glimmer of hope that someone cared enough to give that to me, and she didn’t give it to anyone else. I hope you see how much you are cared for here, even though we may not be physically near by.
I wish you the best comfort that you may need right now.
Kathy Broady MSW says
How are you feeling today? Are you in a better place? Are you still struggling?
Can you say more about what is going on for you?
Were you wanting to destroy yourself on purpose?
Were those urges coming from certain folks inside, or was it a majority decision?
I hope you can find a gentle place where you can comfort yourself with kindness. You’ve already seen far too much dark black rage and hatred in your life — try being very kind and helpful to yourself and your people. Gently, gently. I’m quite sure you don’t deserve anymore terrible in your life. Really sure of that.
It’s okay to keep writing here — it’s good to stay near folks who understand your hurts.
When someone can right exactly the way they feel and not have consequences for what they’re saying is amazing. . To be so raw and honest with the emotions that you’re feeling is overwhelming for me to read. .That not only do you can speak your mind you know what you’re feeling. What an amazing skill to have to have real emotions write about it. so yes I’m jealous . I think that’s the one I’m feeling
If you break down the “óverwhelm” I bet you’ll be able to see other feelings behind it. Jealous is a good start. Writing is very good. Comes with lots of pain though. And very hard to allow but it can be done. Still better than it all swirling inside without relief. Writing is better than cutting, or burning, or whatever it is that one can do to immediately stop the chaos. Doesn’t stop the chaos. Makes it more bearable though. Sitting and writing keeps us from seeing anything but the screen in front of my face. That helps us. Far better than planning out our death.
Consequences?? Yep. Backlash, fear, all sorts of screaming demands. Used to act those out. Now I sit down and do absolutely nothing. Sometimes I lose that battle but mostly these days we get through them unharmed. I try very hard not to act out those things anymore. Acting them out reinforces them and we can’t survive if we do that. Writing them out is scary and painful. But I am living testimony that it can be done and it can help. I don’t feel like I did when I/we wrote the above comment. I know we will feel that way again. We didn’t hurt ourselves at all. Got drunk. Smoked some pot. Played a lot of video games, slept, and cried. We talked to you guys here. That helped the most. Take Care Of Yous.
This is the writing place. I want to write. Get it out of me. Say it, even if Im wrong or bad or whatever it is that makes people write us off so easily. 7/24/18
**** trigger warning — very real, important, but intense ****
We’ve always had a hard time getting out. A shut in is what we are called. We have no family. No friends. No one in the outside world. Isolated. And very much alone. When we die there will be no one who misses us. Who will be angry or upset or sad or anything at all. We gotta think about how people will find us dead when we die. It wont be for well over a month if we die right after paying rent. No one knows us.
We are alone and its a real good thing we have our inside world and other people inside that keep that knowledge from hitting us. If it were to ever actually smack us in the face and we realized the noise was coming from each other inside and all the chaos then there would be nothing but silence. Nothing but the air conditioner cycling on and off and the maddening ticking of the clocks. The pain and anguish and rage and every bad feeling telling me it has always been this way and will always be. Why do you keep trying. Why do you keep lying to yourself that you will ever be any better than this. Why? Because it would kill me if I didnt pretend. If I didn’t have inside people who have always been around for this very thing. After every trauma, after waking up every day, trauma or not, we have always been alone. The isolation is killing us and I know we should try harder do better go out try try try. Why? What the fuck for? Dead seems so final and what if? What if what? If history repeats itself and lepords never change their spots then I will always get what I always got. There is no salvation in life. None. We were meant to be thrown away. We were, have been, are, and always will be just trash. Nothing. I ache to die. Not the event itself. That is the only thing that keeps me going anymore. I dont want to feel the pain. I dont believe hold on and what if and wait any more. I want the other side. I do not believe this life is worth living. It will never be. I cannot do what others do. Work, be around people, go places, do things, get involved. Get out of my house. I cannot. I wanted to try. I wanted to not give up because I cant afford to. There is nothing there. always had to fight for every single little tiny amount of anything that we could do and always always always apologized for needing to do what little I could. Im so sorry I bother you. I know my life is nothing compared to so many others. I know my issues are nothing compared to you or you or you. I have nothing to give and I know people hate others who are so needy and beg. I dont want to hurt anyone. I dont want to beg. I have a story…
After moving to Tulsa in June of 2010, a month after my life was destroyed and I was on the run, I had nothing. I packed my car with my cat, his stuff, and things that I threw in the car in a mad dash to get out of the area I was in. I forgot shoes. I forgot winter clothes. It didnt matter. I had no money no way to get any money and had no food. My SSI check covered rent and desposits for the ghetto apartment we moved into. No food. None. No job. No family. No one to bail us out. No one to help us. I called around to food banks. The churches in the area have food banks open once a week, or once a month, but you have to get there. I had to call the car loan people and have them come pick up my car because I could no longer afford the $200 payment each month. So I was stranded. The buses dont go down those streets and they wont bring it to you. So no food. One day, in desperation, I asked a neighbor for a few eggs. A few eggs. Said I had no food at all and was so hungry do you just have a couple eggs or something? He gave me a 2 minute speech of all the ways he likes his eggs. Scrambled, fried, over easy, his wife likes her eggs scrambled. I remember. He said all this and walked away. DO NOT NEED. DO NOT NEED. Im a filthy excuse of a human being for being stupid enough to beg. I pulled my mattress out of the garbage. Also a pair of shoes because the sandals that I was wearing when I ran broke and I couldnt afford a new pair. I also pulled clothes, a coat, and broken chairs out of the trash. I had nothing. I had Ocho. My son. He had to go without his allegry meds, his flea meds, his wet food. There was no one anywhere to help. I try to advocate for us. I called around churches. absolute waste of time. psych centers in the area, shelters, anywhere I could think. We were in the dark. dark dark days. Years. Four years straight. Needing help. asking for it. and finding out how fucking cruel the world is. Ocho was the only one outside my head. The one I loved and took care of and he loved me too. He died on April 21 2013. My world went black. In Nov or Dec I thought if I dont do something I wont be able to. Not cant or dont want to or maybe. IF I dont do something to get me out of my head and force myself to try to do anything I will not be able to. So I called around for therapists. I found one but he said he dont do phone therapy. Cuz I dont have a car and no way to get to him that door was closed. I went to school on line. Saved me. It was out of my head. I got obsessed. Started therapy with the guy who couldnt see how much I needed help 6 months prior, he wouldnt even help me at all unless I got to his office. I finally was able. Started seeing him. Five months later he got sick and vanished. 10 months later he comes back. saw him for two years. he got sick again. this time im done. i cant do people. i cant handle all their problems i got so many of my own. i fucked a stanger for the 20 bucks he gave me for food. i couldnt even make it to the welfare office to get food stamps or apply for housing or anything. i couldnt cope with life. i know. im a fucking whore. a slut. a useless homeless pathetic piece of shit who deserves everything i get cuz you know, the strogest survive. i dont want to survive anymore. i want out of this. i want out. i tired of begging for asking for thinking its oka or that at some point in the far future it will get better. never has never will. the suisice hotlines are bullshit. if i could do what they say i wouldnt need them. its all a cluster fuck. all of it. dont believe a word of what others tell you. lkfe is bullsht. dying is not bad. its not a sin you wont go to hell. matter of fact you may release yourself from hell when you die. ive hung myself before. obviously didnt die. but do know how it feels. theres a innate survival isntinct that i have to override. can do that by tieying my hands behind my back. other than that its not so bad. there is a high feeling like euphoria that comes in when theres no more oxygyn. good feeling really. peaceful. there is something better on the other side of this shit life. ive been ther and knwo. and i want to go back there and never be here again. nobody ever got to know us. no one ever knew me. all my life has been pain. every single little thing these days pushes me further and further into knowing the truth about this life being bullshit. dont be afraid of dying. you wont remember the people you left behind if there are people in your life. and they will get over you. for me. for us. we never had anyone. all our lives have been one grat big gigantic lie of tryining to survive. we pretend. we have each other and thats all we need. we are a we and so we never feel alone. we can make it one more day. we dont need outside. bullshit. all of it. bullshit. there is many parts of just one person trying very hard not to know the truth. the truth is we never were. we never mattered, we dont really exist, we are alone, we are useless, we cant do better, we are nothing. just trash. I gotta burn it down. i cant deal with life any more. not this one. and I dont want another lie.
Oh my Dearest Kennedy,
My heart is broken reading your posting. Your life circumstances and utter despair are so crushingly expressed. I am at a loss for words to express my deep love, concern and caring for you. I just so want to scoop you up in my arms and hold you right now and tell you that you are not alone.
You are not alone Kennedy.
There are people here who love you and want to help you in whatever small way that we can.
And there are people here who would be heartbroken if you did anything to hurt yourself.
With deep concern and love,
We have talked with you over email so I just wanted to say here that you know we know yous know that we’s know. Thank you for being so kind. Adore yous, our friends.
jane doe says
I am very sad you are so hurt. I would miss you if you didn’t come to this writing place. Yous gave me help when I felt yucky and invisible, it gave me a warm spot on my heart, even though yous can’t be seen through a screen, I see yous and like yous. Some peoples trash is another mans treasure. I am trash, you talked to me and saw me. It is too hard when the man in the moon comes. I am sorry.
*** read cautiously ***
the man in the moon is blood red this month. god i cant take this anymore. im sorry you have been hurt. im sorry we know; you know and i know. it hurts so fucking much. every little thing hurts anymore.
What is good? Can you make a list? A pretty sunset. Warm sun on your skin. Ice cream cone. Your favorite movie. How much KenKen cares.
We love yous. 💕 7/25/18
T.Clark, The Party of Clark,
We missed yous. So glad to see your grizzly bear face. Love that momma grizzly idea of protection. We love yous, too. want very much to let you know we are trying. we dont give up easily. and neither should you or anybody else. those evil people want to win and take our lives. One more notch in their bedposts. Fuck them.
Guess what? We hiked in the mountain woods with our outside son and came across…a grizzly bear. We had been noisy so that a potential bear would know we were there. She paid us no mind—just grazing—and we scurried away giddy and not a little afraid.
Since you, KenKen, helped us move out of our cave, we’ve been camping in the woods.
Before this trip, a mama griz let us ride her back. She would soothe us then buck us off and we’d fall into our body.
Seeing her again in real life was very moving and confusing. Our T is having us consider our physical embodiment and its obligations vs spiritual (riding the bear).
Batshit crazy doesn’t scrape the surface of how we feel. We’re in hiding right now to recover from being around people so much.
KenKen to the T.Clark Party says
I dont understand this comment. If you want, please explain. Resting after being around people is very good idea. 🙂 Love that you saw a griz and she didn’t even get upset and neither did you guys. So cool.
“Seeing her again in real life was very moving and confusing. Our T is having us consider our physical embodiment and its obligations vs spiritual (riding the bear).”
jane doe says
you do know. i cant say more. i wish i didnt know. everything hurts.
KenKen to jane doe and everyone else who knows says
Shout out to you jane doe, and to everyone else who knows…
It’s one night. One. Breathe. Distract. Do everything you can to stay grounded and here and NOW. Write here at DD. Play games online. Shrink your world into however small you need to. If you are safely away from them, stay away. If you are not, I am so very sorry. Try to get somewhere safe. Breathe. Distract. Do everything you can to stay or get grounded to here and now.
We will be thinking of yous. All of yous.
Take Care Of Yous
The sun will come up. It will get over. I’m so very sorry.
jane doe says
thanks ken ken. it is very strong this time. i am afraid. not safe anywhere. not even in hospital. i will shrink real small. so it cant use me for bad. yous understand. others here do too.
KenKen to jane doe and everyone else who knows says
Please let me/us know how you are doing today. The sun is up here. Almost 8am. We made it unharmed. How are you?
jane doe says
glad for KenKen. thanks. i am real small and hide each night. its not only one night. sorry. one more to go. i dont want to know.
Kathy Broady MSW says
How are you doing, jane doe??
Were you able to get thru’ those scary times? Are you feeling safer today?
I am thinking of you today, and I hope that you are feeling okay.
I hope you write again soon, and please let us know how you are doing.
Sarah D. says
Thank you for your caring, kind words. My system is very unstable. I was in the hospital, and continue to work closely with my T.
I believe Jane Doe is safe and comfortable right now.
An email from DD drew me back to see your comments to her. I have and will continue to take a break from reading and writing here, at least until my system has settled down a bit more. Many things are very triggering for my system right now.
Care to you and all the DIDers out there,
Kathy Broady MSW says
Oh gosh, Sarah D — thanks so much for writing, and for letting us know how you are doing.
I’m so very glad you were able to get into a safe place, and that you are able to work closely with your T to get more stabilized again. Well done, and yes … safety first!
It sounds like you’ve been able to do a lot to help Jane Doe, and that’s super good news. Please let her know I’ve been thinking of her! She was super brave to write here, so you know… I’d like to see that she is feeling better, because I do remember that she was feeling very very scared last month.
And yes, please take all the time you need to get safe, and secure, and stabilized, and more solid in your everyday. We’ll most definitely hold your place here at DD, and you are welcome to come and go whenever you can. You are a valued member of our community, that’s for sure.
Please take super kind gentle care of your system, and know that I am thinking of you.
AND sending friendly gentle smiles and little waves your way ~ ~ ~ ~ . 🐕🐬🐨🙋
Thanks for the update. Hold tight!
Jenny to Kathy says
Miss Kathy, Im sorry my other comment must have been too bad. I didnt mean to hurt anybody.
Kathy Broady MSW says
I didn’t post your other comment because you did NOT hurt anybody, and it would only confuse things if that was posted. You were a very big help to a lot of people — LOTS of other people. Yes, other folks are struggling, and yes, they feel pain from their own stuff, but that pain they feel is not because of you, Jenny. It’s because they were hurt too, and they were hurt in a similar way as you. But that is very very very different from you “hurting them”.
So maybe you can re-word what you were wanting to say, but …. there’s no blame going on here, Jenny! You were so incredibly brave to bring up a very painful topic, and to share so much about your healing, but that does NOT mean you are to blame when other people feel their own pain connected to their own troubles.
Does that make sense?
I hope so!!
Sending warm hugs to you,
Hi Sarah D,
Thanks for letting us all know what’s happening at your end. Folks post and sometimes disappear and I get concerned about what has happened to them. So, I am very glad to hear your voice but so sad for what you are going through. I just wanted to give you a big shout out to say how brave you are to be working so hard with your system and getting the help that you need. We are here holding compassionate space for you Sarah D, jane doe and all of your insiders for when you are ready to come back.
Sending you positive energy and caring thoughts.
Hi Jane Doe,
Great advice from KenKen. Shrink, keep it small, make it as simple as possible, ground, distract, breath and stay focused on one minute at a time.
Yes we do understand here.
You are not alone.
We hear you here.
Keep fighting for your life.
Remember that you have already survived the worst part … you can do this.
Remember too that there is also professional help available here (Kathy telephone consultation and Laura email consultations – linked to at the top of each web page).
DK - for Kennedy says
I am so very sorry that you have gone through so much, and even your precious cat passed away. I miss being on here, and I am sad to hear that this is a hard time for you. No one deserves to be hungry. Please keep writing here.
KenKen to DK says
We miss you writing on here too! Please try to come back more often if yous can. I hope the hubby, work, and T issues are getting better for you. We know yous struggle with so much these days and we want very much to see yous around here writing it out. Take Care Of Yous
DK - for Kennedy & Update says
Thank you Kennedy! Things with the T are going pretty well, it’s teaching me “distress tolerance” at the very least. I think parts can be demanding and harsh, so even the T needs some space sometimes! But we miss her dearly during those times!! She is going on vacation for 2 weeks, and that seems like forever to us!
We are working, and lots of changes are going on in the family. We are learning how to be less rigid, and more accepting. We are learning how to communicate better, but it is hard with BIG emotions. We are having a good day.
We are having ups and downs with the husband. He is having a hard time with accepting my diagnoses. He has started his own therapy and we hope it helps him a lot!
So lots of ups, and lots of downs too. We have some conversion disorder type symptoms and they have come up lately. T has helped me sort through my thoughts on that, too. Still lots of flashbacks; more medication being pushed.
Anyone else have daytime flashbacks? Those have been really really difficult.
Sorry this got long – felt like updating!!
Like Kennedy, I am very happy to hear your voice here. I have been wondering how things have been going. Although it sounds like a lot of tough work and ups and downs, I hear a lot of positive changes and progress going on. Take a moment and give yourself a pat on the back for all the hard work that you have been doing. KUDOS to you!
I am away on holiday (long story I will leave for another time). I will miss two sessions with my T. I was in quite a state about loosing time with her especially my one little one Squirrel. She suggested that Squirrel use her imagination and pretend that she was there and talk to her in our mind. Squirrel decided that tea parties on the beach would be nice. So, that’s what we have been doing. Not as good as my T in person but is helping my inside folks stay calm.
Yes I have daytime flashbacks. Some times the simplest little thing will trigger them. When I feel myself going in that direction, I try to get myself grounded as quickly as possible. I usually count things like ceiling tiles or bricks in the wall, etc. I tell myself over and over again what day it is, how old I am, where I am. I look for all things in one colour like everything coloured red that I can see then blue then green, etc. Or, I look at the clock, describe five things in the room, check the news on my computer, cold water splashed on my face, stamp my feet on the ground … just anything to help me ground in the here and now. When I come back, I thank whoever was triggered for sharing with me important information. But, then I ask them to please wait to do this again until we are with our T so that we can all be safe and she can help us sort through it. I try not to shut them down but rather encourage them to not flashback until we are with our T.
I hope that this helps.
I have been seeing my therapist twice a week for seven years. We have had our ups and downs. I have serious abandonment issues (big surprise) and this last week he has really let m down. I see him in everything. I feel like he will always be a part of me but I no longer feel he is reliable. He is inconsistent in his communications with me and that has left me feeling so awful. I told him how much it hurts me and he has just been silent. My suicidal selfs are screaming at me all the time and I don’t know how to breathe without him. I know he left today on a short vacation and I admit, I really hoped he would reach out before he left. He didn’t. I can’t understand how we could spend so much time together and how I can share my soul with him-how i started to believe that he cared. I feel like such a fool. I have been betrayed by therapist before (sex), as a child and again as an adult so it was really really hard to trust him. So, seven yrs and more than $100 000 in bills and he is just gone
I am going to go out on a big limb here and say that, maybe you need to take a few deep breaths here and try and get yourself grounded. I do not want you to not think that your hurt, confusion and fears are not being heard here because they are. I just want to offer a little perspective here from someone who is not caught in the emotional turmoil that you are feeling right now. Clearly there has been something happen that has scared, confused and angered you. Maybe it has been a trigger for one or more of your insiders. Maybe there is some disagreement amongst your insiders. Bottom line – you are in deep distress. I hear that and respect that.
What I would like to say to you right now is that you have been with this T twice a week for seven years so I am thinking that there was a whole lot of good stuff that you have been doing together to keep you going back to him all of those years. Yes, ups and downs but that builds an even stronger therapeutic alliance if you can sort through those problems. And clearly you are very attached to this T. So, I am thinking that, before you do anything to end the relationship, give him and yourself a chance to sort out what is going on.
Sending positive energy your way and sincere hope that you can sort this out with your T.