Hello, hello hello.
How is your journey going?
I’m trying something new: making a post from a new device. Please overlook any weirdness while I learn this new skill. 🙂
So how is your journey going?
Let me tell you a story about mine.
I’ve posted a picture of a walking path I’ve been using lately. Beautiful, hey? It’s truly incredible to see, so green and lush, vivid intricate beauty in every direction. So very peaceful. Just me, my dog, and the birds who sing the prettiest of songs. It’s an awesome and amazing place to walk.
After I had walked this path a few times, I got brave — or silly — and I decided to jog this path. Well. Anyone that knows me knows I’m not coordinated enough to be great at jogging the flattest of roads and sure enough, jogging this mini obstacle course didn’t go well.
At first I did great! I was fast, smooth, and surely looking like a gazelle. I felt full of confidence and raced to a blistering jet-like speed.
I jumped over each log — one, two, three, four — feeling so very proud of each of my new accomplishments. Yay! I was practically flying! Only the last biggest log was ahead. I was doing it!
It was a gold medal performance!
Until it wasn’t.
Splat!
Crash!
Bang!
Down I went, with the most unstylish belly flop this rainforest had ever seen. Bam! I was face down in the dirt. I was just sure that last log held onto my toes with cruel vengeance! Even the birds stopped singing to see what plopped and thudded on their quiet forest floor.
Whoooosh.
It knocked the wind right outta me!!
I laid there for a bit til I was able to have a big ol’ laugh at myself.
Gazelle. Gazelle? Who was I kidding? I am seriously not that coordinated!
But it was fun to pretend for a few moments. And nothing was hurt but my pride. Thank goodness.
Soon I had enough face time with the dirt and I was sufficiently grounded back to reality. I gathered my senses enough to stand back up, giggling at myself the whole time.
Being stubborn, I walked back to the beginning of that obstacle course, and started again. Much slower this time, but successful all the way. That jungle couldn’t keep me down for long!
And since that day, every time I walk this path, I remember falling down. But I also remember standing up again.
My life journey is like that.
How is yours?
Sending warm walking thoughts your way….
Kathy
Copyright © 2008-2021 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
Our journey is going nowhere fast, feels more impossible than ever.
(Also posted this in the DDF, pasting it because we’re out of energy, can’t remember if cross posting is allowed, just want to communicate after being absent so long.)
Feels like the stuff we have to push up the hill keeps getting heavier and the hill just gets steeper and taller. Haven’t said this before I don’t think but we discovered we’re a programmed system a while back, our world has shrunk even more since then and trying to work on stuff with our partner when everything is set up against working on it is grinding us down.
Our partner, while incredibly patient, understanding and empathetic has become extremely frustrated at our lack of progress as many things seem to be set up to keep us apart. Most days now we have migraines that leave us bedridden and unable to communicate for a day or more, or we can’t do anything but sleep. There are ways to tackle these things with internal work, but every gain brings another setback and it feels relentless.
Our partner had begun to express disappointment at what she sees as our unwillingness to try harder, and lately she’s been taking this very personally. As in we’re not doing enough work on it so that means we don’t miss spending time with her and that means we don’t love her.
As a result, she’s becoming distant. We’ve tried to explain it’s not a lack of desire to improve, it’s just the constant battles against so many brick walls on top of everything else is utterly exhausting, but she resents anything that resembles taking a break or resting as though it’s actually giving up.
We feel utterly exhausted and like a complete failure, and inadequate on so many levels, and worse now as she’s implying that we’re just not trying hard enough or even wanting to improve things.
Never mind that she has her own issues to work on and works alone because she doesn’t want to burden us, but also says that we won’t be strong enough to help her until we’ve done more work on ourselves. And there are also many things in our relationships that need to move forward that she raises, things we want to do, but it feels like we just can’t juggle much at once, like everything is being neglected because of something else.
So there’s a lot of guilt. Any conversation about it – or much else besides – turns into a major argument and when we are able to spend time with her there’s nothing but more pressure.
It seems like the harder we try, the harder things get and our partner thinks we’re just not trying hard enough. We just don’t know what to do any more.
Speaking about the journey, actually running was the thing that really helped us with our healing. At first, it was our motivation to eat because we were starting recovery from an eating disorder and it was a very straight forward thing – no matter what reasons you have in your head for skipping your meals, if you don’t eat, you don’t run. Period.
But the longer we ran, the more I started noticing how similar it is to healing. First of all, you should focus only on the mile you are running now. You might have an hour to run, you might have 4 but it doesn’t really matter because you do it one mile at a time. If you just put one foot in front of the other, you’ll get somewhere for sure.
Besides, at first, it feels like you have to do all the work yourself but then, your legs would get the mind of their own and they would run for you. Beginning healing is tough and it feels like you have to coordinate your every step. It is exhausting and you can’t imagine doing it your whole life. But once you’ve established some things, they start working for you and you don’t have to concentrate on them so much anymore.
Also, you will feel bad and it will pass. You will feel good and it will pass as well. If you run long distance, you will go through many highs and lows. One is replaced by the other but all of them are temporary. If you are struggling in the moment, it doesn’t mean it will never get better. Quite the opposite.
In addition, your speed doesn’t matter. Even if you are almost walking, you are still moving forward. You should be gentle with yourself and allow your body to decide how it wants to do it today. Long distance running is about patience and so is healing.
By the way, I also noticed that the thing that can get you a loooong way is straightening your back and smiling. Sometimes our poses really fuel our thoughts and emotions. For example, you can clench your fists without realizing it when you are scared. Being scared makes you clench your fists and clenching your fists makes you feel scared. So breaking at least one part of this loop might help. However, if you saw me at the end of my longest runs, you would probably disagree with me calling that scary thing on my face a smile but I promise you it was one!
Veekee
Interesting comparison, OFIFOTO! We aren’t runners but we get what you are saying…especially the part about “Even if you are almost walking….” !!! That’s what our “running” looks like in RL and that is what our journey looks like…..Thanks for the encouragement…. 🙂
MissyMing
01/17/21
Such a hilarious story! I also have a story about nature remotely connected to running. On one day, I was battling some thoughts but I wasn’t winning the game so I decided to go on a short run to change the game. I ran faster than usual trying to redirect all the energy into my tempo.
When I reached the river, Buddha decided to sit down on the grass and look straight ahead dissolving into nature. I joined him since there is nothing more peaceful than sitting like this by his side. We were taking in all the sights and the sounds at once. Water was barely moving yet the grass was swinging. The birds were singing somewhere in the distance and I could feel the ground under my feet. The wind was gently striking my face and I could hear the train going in my direction somewhere not so far behind my back. It was so peaceful until someone said, “wait, what train? do we have trains?”
We turned around and became frozen with fear. What we considered to be a train was actually a very dark cloud approaching us. We were on the open meadow and for some reason, it made it look even scarier because half of that meadow had already gotten way darker and the wind got more and more fierce. The sound of the train was the sound of the rain pouring down from that cloud in the distance. It was like nothing I’d ever heard.
When we were done staring at this gigantic cloud, I realized I literally had minutes to at least get out from the field. I am not a fast runner at all but that day I did my best to pretend to be the one. Fortunately, the “train” part of this storm didn’t hit me, I only got a bit wet and scared of the wind but when I was running, we were laughing so hard. We spent about 3 minutes meditating to the sound of “the upcoming train” literally with the storm behind our back. And despite living there for many years no one got confused by the train appearing out of nowhere😂.
Veekee
So how is your journey going?
Just 🦆y, 🏊♂️ a long with the current of life. What is, is. What happens, happens. We are all at the mercy of our creator.
Norm
We don’t know how to think about this one, Kathy.
We feel bad that you fell. It’s good that you are okay but we don’t like to hear you get hurt.
We feel bad cuz we laughed too. Cuz you wrote it so funny. And because when we’re embarrassed we laugh at ourself. Well, some laugh, some get mad, some say it’s okay, on and on.
And because we know how we look inside our head when we do things is way different than how we look outside.
We like very much that you didn’t let it stop you. Just laughed it off and ran slower.
We really like the fantasy in your head of what you were doing. (We had “Rocky” movie music sounding in the background when we read it a little.)
We do that a lot a lot; daydream. Sometimes those can be very good and sometimes they can be very bad. And we have to be careful to remember out here or we get lost in them.
We used to do lots of different sports and sometimes would practice over and over inside. Then we would do it outside and if we make a mistake we can fix the mistake inside but not outside too easily. Did that make sense? I think so. Even if we practice over and over inside we still had to fix the mistake and practice outside over and over to get it right. It takes a lot more practice to fix it on the outside. It can be fun. We did gymnastics and would stand and the edge of the mat and play over and over inside how to do everything exactly right. Then we’d do it and whatever we got wrong we’d see inside and fix. Then do it outside and mess it up over and over until we got it right. Or not 🙂
We like these stories very much. Glad you didn’t get hurt. And glad you laughed and learned and then taught us. That is super cool.
Hi Kennedy kids,
I sure do hear your concern for Kathy. Sure do not want her to hurt herself either! It was kinda funny how it happened though and how Kathy told us the story and Kathy did have a big laugh at herself. I think that it is important to be able to laugh at ourselves don’t you? Sometimes I take things so super serious and then something happens to tell me – “hey, stop being so darn serious and grouchy about things. Life can be funny too you know!”
One time when I was on the beach (where I meditate and go to talk to my insiders who live there) I was sitting on a log and my one little one Squirrel came running up to me. She jumped on me with such force that I fell backwards off the log and on to the sand (on my back). I was really annoyed with her that she was not more careful and that her exuberance led me to falling back and I told her so. Well, she sat on my stomach, took my face in her hands and looked down at me and said, “you’re tough … you’re not going to break”. Hum …
So, I am thinking that that may be something that Kathy is trying to help us understand – that we are tougher than we think and that we can laugh at our mistakes. She also picked herself up and tried again. But, this time she had a more sensible (as in a better sense of herself and her abilities) and did it all again. Bravo to Kathy for proving to herself that she could do it. We can too!
ME+WE
03/18/2018
Hi ME+WE!
I like the name Squirrel! Sounds fun! Yeah, we get serious sometimes. The story was good but we felt bad for laughing. Because you know how when people get embarrassed and a laugh. It feels good and bad at the same time. Squirrel is smart. So is Tom. We haven’t seen you in a couple days, we’re glad to see you now 🙂
How is my journey going?
At this moment I feel peaceful. I have some hope. We are breathing better and resting better and weaving more safety nets. I have some tangible things I can do that help when it feels chaotic inside.
I am feeling less afraid of my insiders.
Wren, who thinks hope is beautiful
Well, I was feeling better until I read that article on introjects. Now I am back to being scared of insiders.
I hate how I can feel hope one moment and chaos the next. It’s utterly exhausting.
Wren
Feeling discouraged
12-1-2017
Wren, I support you. Can you take it one moment at a time? We already survived the past, and the future doesn’t exist yet. If you are safe right now, then I hope you can embrace that.
Thank you, T. Clark.
I simply cannot wrap my mind around introjects. It’s like carrying the abusers inside, becoming THEM…and then hearing “this is for your own good” which makes me want to curl in a little ball…smaller and smaller and smaller until I just disappear altogether. That would be better than being one of them. So I suppose I am safe on the outside but not safe on the inside. It’s like waking up to realize I am my own nightmare.
I will try, though, to take it one moment at a time. Thank you for caring.
Wren
kinda confused
kinda lost
we be trying to figyure out some compelicated things sints we went on a trip
rage and missy and the bully all be very loud but i be trying to thnk
and i falld down the other day to kathy
and i hurtid my ankle real hard
you do be good at being carfuler then us
Hi rachel,
I sure hear you being lost and confused. It is like going through a maze most times and wondering if there is indeed a way out or is someone just playing a cruel joke on you (or worse, punishing you). Hang in there. If there are questions that you have, or help that your fellow DIDers can give you, please ask. We have a section of the website that Kathy has set up for us called – Our Normal Complicated Selves. You can post on anything that you like there and your friends here will jump in and try to help.
Oh, and try to be especially careful right now. I know when some of my insiders are particularly active I am crazy clumsy bumping into things, falling down stairs, cutting myself or burning myself while cooking … well, just a whole lot of accidents. So, you really need to take extra, special time and care with yourself right now while you sort things out.
Kind regards,
ME+WE
11/29/2017
My journey is so complicated now. I had left a reply from an old post under a different username I didn’t like the one I had. I have recently returned to working with a therapist who works with DID. I have been shoving back for years now that I have insiders and thinking I was cured from DID when I hadn’t even come close to going deep into anything. My last therapist didn’t seem comfortable with DID or something and so I shut everything off and allowed myself to believe I wasn’t DID. But after starting with this new therapist who actually has experience working with DID it all came flooding out. So I am trying my best to stay afloat and to accept that I do have others inside and I do need to accept them. This is difficult for me because the few people I have told that I am dealing with this again, they say I’ve come too far to go through this again or that I need to pray, pray really hard that it isn’t true. I feel like I have let people down and am afraid I am ruining my life again. When I was first diagnosed as DID things got very complicated when I began working with my system. I ended up having to move into assisted living due to the number of hospitalizations and how much time I was losing. It is not quite that bad now but I am so hesitant to accept this (because I avoid things like the plague) I don’t want things to return to that. I am working on communicating with my parts, but just as before there are those who can be violent towards me and the body and I am terrified. So my journey right now is starting over and it is complicated and very intimidating. But I know I need to face all of this.
we’re glad you didn’t get hurt. we miss you. you must be far away if you are in rain forest. we moved back to new Orleans February 15th of this year. we rent a room from a lady and get to use the kitchen and our room is upstairs and we have our own bathroom with tub, sink and dressing area. It’s good to be back. we gotta go for now. we’ll write again. take care bye us
Hi hi hi littleones2!!! 🙂
It’s so very very good to hear from you. :). I’m glad to hear you are happy with being back in a place that feels good for you, and I am very happy to hear that you are UPstairs. Hopefully no no no flooding for you!! Your new place sounds wonderful. Thank you so very much for commenting. I am always glad to hear from you. 🙂
Sending lots of happy warm thoughts your way,
Kathy
I just dont want you get hert kathey ok. Plese dont get het you be very speshal to evre budy
Thank you, lil Pilgrim. 🙂
Kathey you relly relly make me werrey abot you plese be carfuller 🙁
You’re very sweet, lil Pilgrim. 🙂
I promise I will be as carefuller as possible. 🙂
I don’t think I’ve ever commented here before, but for once, stuff seems to be going good for us =)
In the past few weeks, I’ve fully (or as close as I can get right now) accepted and acknowledged the others, started working on some of those walls AND I accepted the truth of my last relationship and started living openly as a domestic a*use survivor.
For so long I’ve been tripping and falling over those logs, felt like some of them were so huge that I could barely even climb over them, even with all the best climbing equipment in the world, but I actually made it over the biggest and scariest one, when I never thought it would and now it’s all smooth and flat. I know there’s gonna be huge logs again, soon, but right now I’m actually doing OK and feeling stronger than I think I ever have, than we ever have.
Your blog has played such a huge role in that. Whenever I have questions or confusion or doubt or my head is swimming in denial about the others, I come back here and your words comfort and soothe me and give me so much knowledge and understanding and I just really don’t have the words to say how much I appreciate that, but thank you =) Lily x
Awwww, so sweet! I 2nd the motion!
Hello lilyetalia,
Thank YOU for such a beautiful comment. It sounds like you are doing such really good work in your own journey — really excellent work. And I’m so very very pleased to hear how this blog has been helpful for you. Wow. Your words were amazing…
Thank you. Please do keep reading, and stay away from those big logs!! 🙂
Warmly,
Kathy
Lovely day! I just finished eating 7 opsicles. It’s Friday and folks just wanted them all….so, we DID! One of each flavor! Thanks for posting, we missed you out here!
So good to see you! Thanks for your quick answer to my question. 🙂
And… I wanna know if 7 different insiders got a popsicle each or if you all shared all the colors with each other?
Glad you allowed your folks to have a treat!
I hope the rest of your day stays as sweet!
Kathy
7 flavors, those who wanted their particular flavors shared their flavor with other like-minded mini-mes. Ha! Everyone’s being kind these days since the super moon thing is over and I’m loving it.
Glad to see you back! We missed you very much. Our journey has been a bit like yours. Nine Ts later and we have a winner! We have been doing double session twice a week with emails and texting in between. After three months we are experiencing some relief and stabilization. It is really nice to have someone run with you and help lift you over those big logs! And yes Kathy, they do reach out and grab you at times. Welcome back!
Thanks deviamurry, 🙂
It’s good to know I’m not alone in experiencing those terrible log-grabbers, lol. It sounds like you are pulling through some rough times, and thank goodness your persistence has paid off. I wish you the best in your healing journey, and I hope this blog continues to be a helpful resource for you and yours, and even for your T. :). Your determination to find healing and stabilization is inspirational. Keep up the good work!!
Warmly,
Kathy