Do you have DID kids or DID teenagers or DID adults who have difficulty in knowing how to play?
Do you have insiders who are violent or mean to others?
We all know that exposure to violence and trauma adds to these problems, but it can be more than just that. Children who are repeated neglected and abused typically do not have enough fun and playtime in their everyday life.
Instead of having a great time experiencing the benefits of play, exploring with fun toys, enjoying their friends, or playing sports, the children who are severely traumatized are learning how to dissociate, how to split into other people, how to cope with pain, how to sit with loneliness, how to manage chaos, how to calm their anxiety, how to obey craziness, etc.
The benefits of play, happy imagination and a healthy environment are replaced with the necessity of learning the coping skills for surviving a horrendous abusive environment.
Play deprivation may cause more difficulty for you and your insiders than you realize.
Therapeutic Value of Play
All children need the experience of playing freely, safely, with fun and imagination.
Anyone who has spent time discussing the therapeutic principles for Dissociative Identity Disorder with me have heard me say repeatedly, “Let your kids play.”
It’s important to talk with the littles — your DID kids — about their trauma, of course, but it is equally important to let them experience the fun, play-filled side of life.
So much of the recovery process in healing from trauma and abuse is hard, gut-wrenching, painful, emotional work. It is not fun, not at all.
Purposefully creating a fun place for your insiders to play is essential to provide a balanced environment that promotes healing and meets unmet needs.
- Play is fundamentally important for the emotional health of both children and adults.
- Play is a way to express emotion that cannot be said in words.
- Play is a way to learn new skills, resolve conflict, and enhance the development of positive self esteem.
- Play implies freedom, safety, trust, a sense of well-being, and pure joy.
Unfortunately, for most children who have been severely abused, play was not allowed.
Often there was too much family crisis to play, or the children were too chronically upset, or the rigid, controlling rules of the perpetrator did not allow children to play.
However, safe play is very therapeutic in and of itself.
Play is a way of de-stressing, a way to be creative, and a way to laugh. Through play, people develop imagination, problem solving skills, flexibility, social skills, trust, and intimacy.
Adding play to your life will lead to less depression, less anxiety, less stress, and less aggression.
On the other hand, according to the Institute for Play, play-deprived children and adults are more likely to be violent or choose violent and impulsive problem solving strategies. They have more fear, more pessimism, and more cynicism, and more rigidity. They have greater communication problems, more pent up emotions, and more intense conflicts with people.
Does this sound familiar? Do you have insiders who experience life with this kind of oppressive darkness around them? The meaner the insider, the more they need to learn about light-hearted fun and play.
Laughter and fun are truly very important parts of healing. For all of your system, and particularly for those who have never had the chance to play.
You and your insiders, might not know what kind of things they want to do for fun, but exploring these options is part of the process.
Try new things!! 
Try fun things !!
Get a variety of toys that can develop healthy interests.
Join spots teams, join craft groups, explore the DIY options.
There are hundreds of options for play, no matter what the age.
So, come on, everyone, let’s go have fun!
It’s never too late to have a good time!
ENJOY!!!
Warmly,
Kathy
Copyright © 2008-2018 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
Gosh, play.
Fiona, when our body was younger, we didn’t have many friends and kids picked on us all through grade school also. So we can empathize with you on that! It’s a long time not to have friends when we (you and us) should have friends to play with. And even at home, we were picked on. Never knew why so we just accepted it and played alone, walked around with the “bell lady” at school (she was safe to be with) or did nothing.
At home we played alone a lot and the younger sister was always mean to us and she was stronger too. So we didn’t like playing with her.
We agree with those here that think adults (even those without DID) need to play more. It could be hobbies or stuff like that. Colleen makes great puppets and interacts with outside children. In fact today when at her spine doctor’s waiting room, a little boy about 4 came in cradling his right arm and whimpering. She wished she had one of her smaller puppets with her to distract him from his discomfort. She would make the puppet peek around her purse, while pretending to read her book, making sure the little boy saw it. Puppets are like magnets with little kids. The puppet would tell the little boy that the people here will make him feel better!
In fact, next weekend, Colleen&the littles are volunteering at a park to talk to kids about plantings native plants! It’s “Kids Day In The Park” and a lot of inside people have been looking forward to this!!! She’s using a different puppet for the Kids Day. It’s a rod puppet that’s a Woodland Sprite” (sprites are like fairies yet they don’t have wings, they just blend into the trees to disappear) The puppets she makes look like the ones on Sesame Street. The littles will “talk through the puppet” and answer questions and talk about native plants which are good for our earth!
When we felt safe enough to play, was after marrying the wonderful husband, not the abusive one. We weren’t diagnosed yet when we married and he has never left our side. Whereas, our 4 grown daughters don’t believe in DID and ask “when mom’s gonna get over it?” (sigh) We haven’t been able to go to important events, like a daughter’s bridal shower, because both our abusive ‘birth mom and sister’ were there and we panicked and couldn’t make it over the threshold of our home. Then another time the ‘birth mom’ holds court and we couldn’t go into the same room that she was in. She’s was diagnosed as a narcissist sociopath and we stopped all communication with her when we turned 50. Best thing we ever did.
So, we usually find some time to play, even with the husband and he’ll play with us! It’s not every day so we try to make the best of it. We can’t wait to move closer to the grandchildren next year. We want to be remembered as the Grandma who plays! And we will sit on the floor and color with them, asking for their permission first if we’re coloring in their book. Make silly pictures and stuff. Act out and make believe!
One DID lady in a support group we are no longer in because we moved, mentioned that during Easter she wanted to run around and collect Easter eggs with the children. We told her to grab a basket and hold another child’s hand if she’ll let you, and run around and help her find eggs! Children love love love it when grown-ups get up and play with them, because “grownups aren’t supposed to play.” At least that’s been their experience when they don’t see grownups ever playing with kids, except when parents teach their children sports or how to ride a bike. That’s not the same cuz no one is laughing.
Another great article Kathy and we’ve been reading a lot lately! We hope everyone can find a little time to play! If you can, get a puppy/dog from a shelter cuz they need your love and affection and you’ll get tons of play with them. A dog won’t mind if you get goofy and silly with them, cuz they’ll get goofy and silly with you too!!! Maybe a shelter will let you help out by playing (socializing with the dogs) to help them find homes quicker! Or get one of those adult coloring books! I got the Dr Seuss one and try to color at least once a week in it!
Hope some of this helps or will lead you to think of other ways to play! Color on!
In 2021 I am writing this and I do not allow myself any time for play. I probably should. It’s all work, work, then I’m too tired for anything else. I suppose that this is the PTSD avoidance. When I am not overly busy I tend to have some other problems. I am not sure I even know how to play.
So true.
Play is something my partner has done for as long as I’ve known them. Even before the alter that was my husband vanished.
They tinker with electronics things every day. They play with coloured lights and shiny things. The littles love things that move like remote control cars and things that are shiny like crystals and rainbow paper. We used to paint miniatures or table top games they went through a Lego phase and bought lots of that. They watch lots of anime and play with our four kids and our plushies. They sing heaps. The most full on protector enjoys martial arts and sword work so even that is play. Everyone in their head plays one way or another.
I think as unschooling parents of our bio kids for over a decade, we have filled our home with play as a learning tool without a second thought. Nothing is forced here, but interesting play is everywhere. I think they were planning to make rocket candy with the kids next.
Joseph thought me to play I don’t get to play so much now that he died. I do get to play with the Izzie that is fun I play with Cyril and Fergus I go back n the pool with Esca
we be trying to teach asher and noah how to play
them don’t under stand it
them don’t no how to use there imajanashons
I be really good at it.
so I be trying to teach them.
it be super importint for kids to play
Hi Tuck,
Wow you are such a great helper with your inside folks Tuck. My insider Tom (he is 12 years old and loves to ride his bike) helps with my little girls. Some of them do not know how to play either. But he keeps showing them fun stuff to do.
My little one Squirrel (she is 3 ½ years old) believes that we are born with silly beans inside of us. They are like jumping beans. They tickle our insides and make us laugh and help us to play and have fun. Having fun and playing are what keep our silly beans happy and growing. She says that big people forget how to play and let their silly beans fade away. She says that bad big people sometimes try to crush little people’s silly beans.
Squirrel says she’s happy you are showing asher and noah how to play ‘cause then they will find their silly beans too. They still be there but maybe were squished. Squirrel says to keep playing.
ME+WE
08/06/18
in the summer we play
we play every day
in the schol year we dont get to play
we haf to stuff evere thing in side
but summer be fun
we swim allot thats are favrite
I struggle when i hear children laughing, it really upsets me. I never laughed as a child, silence was best, invisible, hidden, broken, damaged. I did not play. I watched my younger siblings play while i was trapped in my bedroom, forbidden to play. I was never a child, i was just a shadow, unseen, forgotten. I dont like laughter
Dear Fiona,
I am so sad for you to hear this. Laughter is the music of the heart and soul. The big people in your life were wrong, wrong, wrong not to let you laugh and play. That was not right. My little one Squirrel says that we are born with silly beans inside. They are what tickle our insides and make us happy and laugh and have fun. Silly beans grow and get bigger and multiply with fun and play. Big people stop feeding their silly beans and they shrivel up and go away. Sometimes big people try to crush little people’s silly beans and make them go away. That is what the big people did to you. But, Squirrel says that when this happens, there are always a couple of silly beans that hide in a special secret place inside for little ones to find them again one day. So, maybe you can start to look for your silly beans. There are still some inside hiding waiting for you to find them. If you try and do some fun things like maybe pet a kitten (that is Squirrel’s favourite thing to do) then that calls to the silly beans and then maybe they will come out from hiding. They might be really, really shy because they have been hiding so long so you have to be really extra specially gentle and call them out slowly.
ME+WE
Thankyou, i need to hunt for my silly beans, they must be locked away somewhere far away
Mabey michael and danny and missy need to play
Great article Kathy! Yes. Unfortunately I am familiar with what you talked about in this post. I wish it were not true. I can certainly be an SOB when I feel like I am being controlled. That part of me becomes inflamed when I feel like I am not being heard and my needs are not being met. At least I know where it is comes from (mother child relationship) now and how it can negatively affect my relationship with the opposite sex. I’m sure I can work on this issue and improve my attitude. Things can work out when your partner knows how to communicate with you. I was in a successful relationship with a woman for over twenty years. There is definitely hope for us.
For me and my insiders play is not natural. It is not something we are familiar with. Not how children play anyway. My littles would have to work very hard to make it look like they were playing. How do you play when you are not sure how?? I don’t think any of us are sure what playing actually is. Are we to enjoy it??
Nat
We were deprived of play all our childhood. Our outsider stood alone in the school yard from 5 to 16, watching others play and isolated. 1 girl hated me and made everyone else hate me and she banned anyone from playing with me. At home i was locked in my bedroom where i would watch my 4 younger siblings playing outside with their friends. Children’s laughter is such a special tjing but for me i can’t bear it, it sends shivers down my spine and i find it very distressing. We have no idea how to play or have fun or just be a child, we were expected to parent our siblings and to be silent and invisible. We love to be alone
We play dolls We coller We watsh kid muves. We swing.we play at scol with kids there is good toys at scol.jadie usd to play with are T. We by toys. Are sistr got us toy for crismis it be baby animls. Tuck an clar dont play no more ther to sad Nethr do lots of us. But me an mae and blue play good.
Excellent article Kathy. I haven’t thought about this. I can only assume like others have suggested, it is a “foreign” concept. Seems so counter-intuitive as an adult. We often talk about work-life balance at work however it doesn’t seem possible with all the intrusions. There is so much to always “clean-up” that another possible plan to do anything else seems to be impossible. Once again, the theory sounds right, but the reality sounds abstruse.
TO NAT:
I “think” play is suppose to be fun and enjoyable at least to those who participate. If it wasn’t then why do children do it? If you watch children play, you will see giggling, laughter, sometimes arguing and making up, even the language they use together is about “fun.” Think of a game like: RED LIght-GREEN Light(stop on red, go on green) Young kids love it! They also “learn” to control their bodies’ motion. So play can teach and learning can be “fun”
TO PILGRIM:
Love what you get to do together!
TO METHINKSTOO:
I tend to agree about the “planning” for play. How about just watching and see what they do? Seems to me kids don’t need to ‘plan’ it comes natural. And like NAT said, it’s not natural, put some play-dough in their hand, or a stuffed animal or something they can hold and see what happens. I think they will show you? Then again maybe not? It’s the best I can come up with.
BTW, group, THANK YOU for being here! I read almost everyday! And Kathy, thanks for the forum! You are pretty creative!
fin
Play. Play? For sure an empty place for my insiders. To play is to be silly which is a waste of productive time. That is the message I came away with. And in workimg on this for a very long time … play is still so foreign & so hard. For us, to play is to work. It’s not at all the norm. I have to consciously work to find ‘play’. Open to suggestions.
Me too.