It’s Thanksgiving weekend.
The original article — With Darkness and Depression, is there Anything to be Thankful For? — was written on a different Thanksgiving Day, a few years back.
Even so, the thoughts and sentiments are still there, and I’m sure many of the struggles you are feeling are the same no matter what year it is.
Darkness and depression can happen any time.
And holidays are often especially difficult times.
Please know that I remember that many of you are struggling on these days.
You are not forgotten.
Copyright © 2008-2017 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
Im having a hard time trying to find words. Just want to tell you all thank you for your responses. when i can see them better i will read them again. thank you for helping me.
Please know that we are holding a light of understanding and caring for you. You are loved, valued, respected and so tenderly held in healing space here. Please do keep trying to see what a special heart family you have here – one that will not abandon you, reject you or judge you in any way. You are precious to us.
Thank you MissyMing, ME+WE, and MultipleMe for the replies. I appreciate it. Cant really form words now to explain. Just wanted to tell you I saw your responses. ty again.
Wow thank you for being so vulnerable. It’s giving me courage to say that I too have felt that I’m not real or in control, that I’m going crazy. I think I’m talking inside but I am actually talking outside in real life. If someone ever walked in on me, and saw me doing that, I don’t know what I’d do. It feels so weird but oddly soothing to do it. Does that make sense? We may have different experiences but I just wanted you to know you’re not alone. You deserve to be cared for, nurtured and loved so fully and safely.
May your insiders and you grow stronger every day in love and in peace.
Couple months after I was put in the hospital at 16, I was standing in the middle of Monroe St. bridge in Spokane, WA. I think I skipped school that day and went downtown. I used to do that a lot. Just walk around downtown. Would go up to Sacred Heart to see Don, then walk to Deconness to see the babies. I dont know why I never just watched the babies at Sacred Heart, since I was already there, but I had to go to Deconness. Anyway, Id walk all over downtown. Spokane has a huge, beautiful park with a river (big river) running through it. There’s falls that Monroe St bridge crossed above so you look down right at the fall itself. I used to stand in the middle of the bridge and watch the water hitting the rocks below. Thought that would hurt, not just scary but extremely painful. I felt like I was half out of my mind. Couldnt tell if I was alive. If my family all died. Am I real. Is this real. I cant tell. I cant feel inside my body. Or idk. Im not sure i cant tell. lost everyone i knew in one day. couldnt tell if it was me or if was them that was dead. my little brother and sister. everyone. she told them that I was dead. somewhere in the back of my head i was wanting to jump. All the sudden some guy out of the blue was standing right next to me. Scared me so bad I walked the other direction. Went down to the side of the fall where a little building is for the electricity to the gondolas was and fell out on the slab of concrete in front of the door and bawled my eyes out. I had no one. Foster care. Dont know em, not gonna tell anyone anything. didn’t. never did.
how old is 16? is it still a child?
Is living my life inside my head psychotic? I talk to people out loud here and sometimes I realize that it is actually silent. Thats when I feel unreal. When I am actually out here trying to focus outside my head I feel like everything is unreal. me, out here, inside. this body. this aprtment, this everything. i cant tell. dizzy
Hello c4b….my heart goes out to you……I am glad that that guy showed up on the bridge when he did….even if you did end up flat on your face bawling your eyes out……sometimes it is the smallest, most insignificant looking things that can dramatically change the direction we were going…….I am glad he showed up……
I am so sorry you had no one……but please remember you have all of us here now…….we are here….your story may “look” different from ours….but the bottom line is what it does to the heart….we ALL know what THAT feels like…….I was still in my teens when I skipped school on an exam day (very out of character for me), took the family car….and sat overnite in a graveyard several hours away….sat there thinking that maybe THAT was the ONLY place I would ever fit in……I wanted so bad to just end it all there…..the perfect place….
But suddenly I kept “seeing critters” that were waiting for me to help them, protect them, “see” them, “understand” them…..critters that were afraid, scared, abandoned, alone, not seen………when the sun rose over that graveyard….I had a direction – a purpose……I went back to school and eventually became a veterinary technician – doing what I could to make sure critters knew that I “saw” them…….even “small” things can tremendously impact a life……
Did anyone ever wonder “the why” I did something so “out of character”? Sorry to say….No……My parents called family in other states to see if I had arrived there…..I got a letter from one of them reprimanding me for the “embarrassment” I caused the family for doing that…..Did anyone wonder why a teenager was on tranquilizers?….or why the constant stomach pains?…..Again….sorry to say…..No…….But then again….I don’t know that I, myself, would have been able to explain anything to them…..but, somebody “could” have even acted like they cared………
Feeling “unreal”? I think most of us really get it……when Inside oozes over into Outside….it’s hard to know where you are at…..I don’t know which is worse…thinking you are talking out loud and finding out you were silent….or thinking you were talking Inside and finding out it came out “out loud” and you don’t remember your mouth even moving….but you find out it was “out loud”……The first one can leave you feeling extremely confused and unseen and unheard….the second one can get you in “trouble” …… The Twilight Zones are hard…and confusing….and you are not sure where you are at – or if you are even “real”……
I know it is SO, SO important to feel like you have even ONE “safe” place – even though there are parts that don’t know how to EVER ‘feel” safe……that is how it is with my T….times I have to plow through the “panic” of wondering if she REALLY, REALLY is safe……a lot of us don’t know what that is even supposed to “look” like or “feel” like…..she has proven to me that she is willing (and able) to hang in there while I plow through all the turmoil of it….even when I have to plow through it all AGAIN…and then AGAIN…..Allowing ourselves to let the guard down even a little….to dare to try to feel “trust” in even ONE direction is a whole ball game in itself…..
Hopefully you can feel like “this place, this blog” can be that “safe place” for you….that no matter what pours out of you or how “horrible” or “rambling” or “illogical” it sounds….that we know how to “hang in there” with you while you work your way through it…..because we “get” it….and I guarantee you, we will need you to be there for us at points as well….. even if some of us are in a “rough spot” and can’t quite reach out….there will be others who are in a “better spot” and will be able to…..I figure all of us have varying degrees of “abandonment’ issues – so even if it LOOKS like “no one” is hearing you….I guarantee you….someone IS……..
Hope you have a good day today, c4b…….we hope things “feel” better for you………
Yes, a 16 year-old is still a child. And, children should be cared for, heard, respected, nurtured and loved … not thrown away like you were. MissyMing has written such a wise and compassionate response that I feel that we can all say – “yup … know that and feel that too”. The bottom line is, your mother failed you horribly and it is so understandable why you feel as you do. But, I just want to support something that MissyMing has said here – you are not alone c4b. You have a safe community here. We will not throw you away. We care for you, respect you, honour you and value you more than maybe you can take in right now.
Hang in there and take gentle care of yous! <3
Ty for the support and kind words. Im having a hard time. I want to know if what I did is what caused my little brother and sister to be abandoned to their father and their mother to never see them again. I want to know if Im responsible for that? Because when she left me in the hospital, she left them 3 months later. She never wanted to see them again either. I dont know if cutting is bad enough for her to throw me away. But they never did anything to her and she threw them away saying b/c she hated kids and never wanted any of us. But she did that right after I cut my arm. I had to have 164 stitches so I had to go to the hospital. Kinda forced her to do something. Hoping she would help us. But no. She threw us away and blamed it all on me. My little brother said she told them I was dead, he said he locked himself in the bathroom for 4 days straight, she never told him the truth. He found out by overhearing them talking about me. I did that to him. To him and to my little sister who was left to the monster with nobody to protect her. Because of what I did, that is what happened to them. Is 16 old enough to know better? I didnt know that was gonna happen. but is it my fault for it? My little sister never got out of it. Last time we knew anything she was still living with him, at like 40 years old (her). She never got out and I did that to her. is 16 old enough to have destroyed their lives and be forever responsible? sometimes i want to die b/c i cant take the guilt.
Oh man! None of it is your fault.
I’m sorry that you are even questioning that it. For what what ever reason you did it . I’m sure it wasn’t for your sibling to be left with a monster. You were hoping for relief from you pain and suffering. At 16,your not responsible for your siblings. . What advice would you give me if I wrote that? Now tell yourself that. Becuse you deserve the same.
Oh my c4b … your posting here just breaks my heart. I just want to emphasize and support what Lori has already said – NONE of what happened to you or to your brother and sister is your fault. Oh my heavens – you were the victim here. You did nothing wrong. You were screaming out for help because you had been so horribly abused and neglected and your mother heaped more abuse on to you by abandoning you. And then SHE abandoned your brother and sister NOT you. You did nothing to cause her to do that.
“she threw them away saying b/c she hated kids and never wanted any of us”
Believe what she told you. She did not want any of you that is why she abandoned you. You did nothing to make her hate her kids or abandon them. She is solely responsible for her actions. She is obviously a very ill woman. I say this not to excuse what she did but to try and find some understanding for her actions because they were horrible beyond explanation.
Please c4b hear what we are saying to you here. You may not know this for yourself but trust your friends here. You did NOTHING wrong. You are NOT responsible for what your mother did. You are NOT responsible for how your brother and sister have chosen to live their adult lives. You are NOT guilty for anything here.
Sending supportive energy and strength to you! <3