The original post “What do you think about Suicide?” was recently reblogged elsewhere, which meant I came and had a look at it again.
Such a painful topic…
It’s been a few years since I wrote this article, and frankly, I had completely forgotten about it.
However, I have had a death in my family this week — not a suicide, but a tragic, unexpected death — so with those thoughts on my mind, I’d like to hear more about what you all think about death and suicide.
I KNOW most trauma survivors with Dissociative Identity Disorder struggle with suicidal thoughts and feelings, for all kinds of different reasons.
Sadly….. it happens.
More than we may realize…
What do you think about suicide?
With gentle thoughts,
Copyright © 2008-2017 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
I needed to come and search on this suicide word tonight. I’m afraid right now. I would guess I’d be called chronically suicidal. It’s been a long time since I acted on these thoughts but each year, on certain anniversaries, there they are again. Out of nowhere. I want to die. Or feel I should. Or just feel I have no control over it but fight day to day to not, until it seems it’s over as fast as it started.
I’ve been fighting to live for a few weeks. I’m scared. Each day feels like it could be my last. My little told my therapist today that I was trying to kill her. I “came back” laying on her floor, apparently sobbing. She said it’s happened before. I didn’t know that and it scares me.
I can’t tell her, or anyone, that it’s me who wants to be gone. Not that I want to kill them tho I guess I understood today that that is how it feels to them.
My T told me they are afraid I want to kill them. I wish they had told her I want to kill myself. They told from their experience I guess which I had not thought about.
But then there is me. The host. The person on the outside who feels so done. Things are happening every day that feel like they are the sign that today is the day. But I keep saying “not today” and hope tomorrow i can say “not today.”
Then you said this weekend was father’s day. I didn’t know. I have a person inside who “Hates the father” who died 6 years ago last week. Anniversary of his death and father’s day in the same 10 days.
Thanks for saying what you did about your dad. I’m glad to know him through you. My dad was not my sexual abuser he was just flawed. It’s ok to be flawed, we all have our flaws, and I thought i made my peace with him hours before he passed of Alzheimers in 2016.
What do we do when an insider has not made peace. Are these MY suicidal feelings? Are they hers? How do I grit my teeth and make it through. Crying helped today I think. I’ve reached out for help to crisis lines etc. with poor results. I can’t just tell my T that I want to die. Hospitals are the worst place for me as I’m sure you and others with DID know. So then what? How do you hold on.
Maybe I say “oh, father’s day.” Maybe there is an end point and I just need to hold on through Sunday. I guess I just wanted someone to know. Nobody else in my life does and I’m trying to just hold on.
Hopefully when Father’s day is over, inside will feel calm again. I will try to just hold on. And let myself and my littles cry if they need to. I can feel my heart pounding
with constant anxiety and at night I’m pretending to be dead till I fall asleep. I think that helps?
I hope this was ok to put here. I am trying to hold on. I’ve been in this place many times. I wish there was an easier way thru than just hoping I make it.
I hear how tough it is. Been there for sure. I learned that it was one of my insiders who held the SI feelings. That was her job. I know that folks have all kinds of inside folks who have SI feelings. Mine just happened to be on dedicated to that task. So, all kinds of things would trigger her and she more often than not gets this from other insiders (i.e., their emotional triggers in turn trigger her despair and suicidal feelings).
I guess that what I am wondering is who inside has suicidal intentions. You, the outside person, are expressing them but do they originate with you? Are you driven to these feelings by an insider or insiders? Do you have an insider dedicated to the job of suicidal thoughts?
I guess that I am thinking that there is a root cause to the feelings that you are having and it involves your insiders. Finding out who and why is the big job to finding some peace. In the meantime, reaching out to all of your support networks is a good idea and practicing those grounding techniques.
Thanks @Me+We I believe you are right on the money. It felt like the second I realized it was father day I was able to put it aside from the urgent pile to the “wait and see” pile. The crisis went away immediately. Then I made it thru Sunday and Monday rolled around and the feelings have not returned. My therapist checked in with me on Sunday which was extraordinarily kind and I see her later today for the first time. I feel ok. I know, never kill yourself. There is some reason. If you wait long enough something WILL ALWAYS SHIFT. I just thought to myself, killing myself because it’s father’s day is dumb. And just waited to see if the feeling came back after and they have not.
This will be the work for a while. Who is feeling this way and am I stable enough to dig into memories. Am I ready to know. Dr. f asked me last Friday if I wanted a part to share what was happening. I said no. I need to be stable to do memory work. Maybe this week now that I feel safe again.
Thanks Me+We also for saying how you check for new posts on the blogs. I will start doing that. Be.
I am always glad to hear that anything I say makes sense to someone else let alone maybe helps a little bit! Great insight with Father’s Day being the trigger and that things would pass once you got through that day. Having those insights helps you to hang on and see it through I have found for myself. Actually, gave that job to one of my insiders — to watch out for suicide thoughts and to alert me and to tell folks inside to hang on until we get to talk to Dr J.
Doing this work is certainly hard and yes you want to be stable and have your tool box of grounding techniques ready to go. It sounds like you have a solid foundation with Dr F to do this work. My Dr J would always say that we will deal with things slowing and just a little bit at a time. And, that is what we did. It is amazing how those little bits stack up over time though. You will get there. Dr F sure sounds like a very thoughtful and kind person calling you and all.
Yes I check for new posts and go from there. I have not been very active here on the blog for a few years (since the DDCF started) but I am trying to get “back to my roots” here. This website was my lifeline from the start of my DID work when I was first diagnosed nine years ago. It was and is a life saver for me. I am in humble gratitude to Kathy for all the time, energy and compassionate wisdom she has FREELY shared here for so long. And I value the connections that I have made here with other multiples. This is very special, sacred space for me.
Thanks! Funny, suddenly it was like “OMG. It was the solstice too.”
I told Dr F whenever I was up against these feeling we needed to look at every calendar, world event and even personal/family junk to give us all “reason” to wait it out.
These feelings are hard to live with but the thing we need to impress kn our suicidal insiders is “it’s a feeling. Like anger. And sadness. And even joy. No action required except to talk about it with your therapist and NOT in a way that can feel threatening. This is the second time this year I have felt very scarily close. Day to day. But I told her each time I make it, it reinforces the knowledge inside, that we can.
Thanks Me+We I couldn’t talk about it on the forum. Since joining I sometimes lose time in the forum and get too tired to read the blog. There is soo much info here! And yes, a huge bumble thank you to Kathy and Laura and Alex…and everyone behind the scenes for everything that happens off the board. (Conferences, SONGS!…)
Had to giggle about “OMG. It was the solstice too”. Sometimes everything just comes together to bring big challenges to us. Then sometimes we just feel awful for no calendar, life, memory, etc. reason. Well, none that we can hang our mood on.
That having been said, it is always good to know the patterns of our feelings especially when SI comes to play with our minds. That helps us to anticipate a potential problem time and work to have our grounding and support ducks in a row and ready. As long as our anticipation of a rough memory time does not work to create a tough time. I know that I sink into depression in the late fall even though it is my favourite season of the year (ya, that is contradictory but hey … I am a multiple!). I have not found the root cause in trauma or abuse, that I can pinpoint anyway. I used to always think, “well, here it comes get ready for bad times”. Then I would lose sight of the good things because I was so focused on there was going to be a depression happen. I have tried to shake up the emotional box that I have been living in a bit the past few years and challenge myself NOT to get depressed just because it was “that time of the year”. I will confess to moderate success (not total). At least I am not getting myself pre-depressed about depression coming if you follow my crazy thinking here.
Ya there is a TON of information here to read and on the forum. Try not to get overwhelmed with that. Just explore when and as much as you can and trust yourself to find what needs to speak to you at that moment. And, if you get lost, ask others for help and direction. Oh and, I don’t know about you but, I have read all of the articles here at DD numerous times I know but still I will come across articles and think that I am reading them for the very first time. And, in some ways I am or some part of me is. Then I will scroll down and see a comment that I posted and I know that I have read it before but it all seems new to me. I have come to accept that as a gift of renewed learning and understanding — articles/topics popping up to teach me at the moment that I need them.
I want to make a comment here and I’m not sure this is where it belongs, but I will give it a shot. I’m wondering if people can relate to what I’m about to say or if this was not a familiar experience.
I’m thinking most people will remember in school when teachers would ask, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I would watch my friends and think how serious they were about it. But for me it was just pretending. I knew I was just going along with it for the sake of the teachers. This was never going to benefit me because I would never get to grow up. There was NO – WAY – NO – HOW that I would live that long. My life was going to end. I was going to die. I had felt this way since I could remember feeling anything. I’m not saying I was suicidal, I am saying that something was going to take my life.
When I got out of high school and I was still alive, I thought, “HOW can this BE?” Then the feeling of “I’m going to die” was replaced with “I’m not supposed to be here”, and that feeling persists today.
Thanks for listening
KenKen to Trina (part of MyCircleOfLife) says
Hi Trina and everyone at MyCircleOfLife,
I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling so much with SI. We’ve been there and know how hard it is to go through. I’m glad to see yous writing here. I hope to see you write more. I agree that in a dissociative system it gets really really hard to wait and wait and wait until you can talk about your issues because there are so many others that need to talk too. It sounds good to have a T that has extensive knowledge about DID but sounds terrible that she is so busy yous only have a very short amount of time with her each week. Writing helps us with that problem. We are currently working on finding a T in Outside World and all the needs internally are getting overwhelming. There are two suggestions that I can come up with that may help you unload some of your burden. 1. Write here. Write write write. This is the writing place. Read some articles then jump in and let yourself tell your truth. 2. Kathy has phone consultations you can set up and talk with her. If you feel more comfortable talking instead of writing then that is an option. I can tell you from personal experience she can help tons in a short amount of time.
Keep writing here. We as a group of DID survivors have lots of understanding and empathy for what you are going through and many people write here and get support and encouragement every day.
Take Care Of Yous
Thank you, KenKen. I will look around here more and try to figure out what threads will be right for me to write about stuff in. I hope you can find a good therapist soon.
Hi. I don’t know how old this thread is, but it feels like the right place for me to post. My name is Trina. I’m 16, while our “outside person” will be 50 in August. It sucks being stuckin a 50 year-old body!
I often have thoughts and feelings about wanting to die. Mostly when the memories of the stuff I lived through get bad and drag me down into a pit of dark despair. Sometimes also feel like dying when I get in arguments with the (almost) 50 year-old about my feeling like I’m gay/lesbian when this is completely against her religious beliefs. I haven’t attempted suicide yet, but I have gone so far as to make plans of what I could do.
I know it terrifies the old lady that I have these thoughts and plans, because she doesn’t want to end up in the psych ward at the local hospital, or at the state psych hospital that’s just a few miles away from where we live. Also because she’s scared that a psych hospitalization would cause her to lose her job. And we don’t have no health insurance, so we’d end up with a huge bill for it that we can’t afford to pay.
I guess her fears are what have stopped me from following through with any suicide plans. If it didn’t work, all her fears really would happen.
Our therapist has lots of experience helping people with DID, and is very much in demand. She also teaches classes for other therapists on how to help DID clients. So her schedule is constantly booked solid, with no extra time for more than one session a week, for 45 minutes; which just is not enough, especially when so many of the little kids inside are needing help and attention. Me and the other teens usually get asked, or told, to “put our stuff in a container and lock it up” until the therapist has a chance to help us process it. Even when that might be weeks or months down the road; if the littles ever get calmed do enough to let us teens get a chance to have therapy time.
I’m just tired of having to keep everything locked up inside me until “some day” when it’s finally my “turn” to get some help with it. Sometimes it just feels like dying would be better than continuing to live in despair.
But if I do anything to cause my death, I would also be causing the death of everyone else who shares this body. I can’t do that, so I struggle on, continuing to just survive instead of really living.
Trina (part of MyCircleOfLife)
I just wanted to echo what KenKen has said here. Keep communicating here and, if you want to, you can always talk here about your stuff or just to vent when you need to. It is really hard to have to keep waiting for your turn. I really hear and understand that. Especially when there are so many needs in your system right now. WOW. That is a really tough one. You know that you are always welcome to talk here. You do not have to wait for a “turn”. We are all here to listen and help one another.
Oh, and I understand how difficult it can be to live in a body that is not your own or to have your feelings rejected. My inside fellow Tom who is 12 years old HATES the old woman body that he is trapped inside of. But, he is a good sport about it. I am also sorry that your outside person cannot accept your sexual orientation. You can talk about it here if you want to. We are here to listen and understand.
Bottom line Trina, you are not alone. You have a whole bunch of folks here for you.
Thank you, Me+We. I will try to get here more to talk, and to hopefully support other people too. What threads should I post under to talk about different hard stuff?
Every time one of us tells our heart stories or asks questions or just vents, it helps everyone to see their stuff and to know that they are not alone. ☺
You can write a comment on any blog that seems to fit what you want to talk about or speaks to you in some way. We also have a place — 2. Still Our Normal Complicated Selves — Keep on Writing! – where we just write on anything that we want to. That is the best go-to place if you are wondering where to write.
So happy to hear your voice again Trina! ☺
T. Clark: I’m glad you’re committed to persevering. I know it’s hard, but I have faith.
Thank you for caring, Andrea 4/12/18
Chiro is a good idea, Kennedy. Insurance, yes. Brilliant. Tenz unit. Love it. Thanks.
Our Dissociative delusions as we call them fall into dr. Ross’s unholy triad of perpetrator, victim, rescuer role-playing. Imaginings—more empathically experienced than a daydream—in which I’m being victimized (or, less often, I’m the perp or a rescuer). Gets us lost in time and space. Our protector parts’ old way of controlling chaotic and unsafe feelings by taking charge of emotions via delusions.
AIR model teaches rescue missions to save your Littles from your trauma. This is current trauma T’s model. We’re not effective yet. We dislike conflicting models …
ME+WE, tea sipping for sure. Trying a new “expansive breathing “ technique to breathe into discomfort in the body. Too fractured at night to be effective. So hunkering down for survival mode.
Not close to acting. Just despairing and considering options. Don’t want to abandon family. Having trouble surviving the present. Tension.
The love of you all who get it helps. We feel known.
Glad you’re aware of how you treat body and soul.
We will persevere. If it gets too much, we’ll SOS T. No 72-hour holds, not voluntarily anyway.
Hoping this will pass. Wrist to be reevaluated Monday, 16th.
No matter what, Love to our DID family here 💖 4/10/18
Just another thought T.Clark,
You can buy a TENS unit at Walmart or Amazon. 🙂
I didn’t know those were dissociative delusions. We call ’em daydreams and completely understand they are more intense and real than daydreams. It was so long ago that we went to Ross’ DD unit that I have forgotten most of what we heard there. I wish I would have remembered that. The perp-rescuer-victim triad we see as part of the abuse cycle with the honeymoon period-tension building phase-and blow up. The delusions we play out as like you mentioned, a way to overcome and get stronger and fight back. We know they are not real although we act them out as real. I told my last T they were like children who process their trauma through play. Even though the daydreams are not real, the themes in them come from past events are very real and too scary to talk about.
I hope you find some relief.
Take Care Of Yous
Our delusions put us to sleep last night. The dreams that followed were unpleasant all night. Darn. We hoped we could hide in dissociation.
Try to slow it all down. One thing at a time. 4/12/18
T. Clark says
We have thought about this one for a long time. We have two relatives who chose to die, and we want to work out if either one is “suicide,” and what we think about that. And we have our own views in addition.
Our uncle told his cardiologist, “No.” No more open heart surgeries, no more implantable devices (which kept breaking and required more open heart surgeries). No more being cracked open (literally). No more trying to heal. No more fainting either from when his heart stopped or from the shock tore- start it. No more suffering. So he chose no more intervention. He let his body succumb. His heart couldn’t keep up circulatory function, and his lungs began to fill with fluid. We think this is “congestive heart failure,” if that rings a bell for anyone. Hospice made the end more comfortable for him and his family.
Uncle left behind a wife, three children, and two grandchildren (pre-teens), friends, a home, hobbies, etc. We were not close enough to him to discuss his decision, and we’re learning not to judge. We think he was age 72 when he passed.
Did uncle kill himself?
Fact: He stopped fighting. Fact: His life was shorter because of his (in)action. Fact: At the end, hospice and his family “helped” the process along (i.e lots of morphine, probably a lethal dose that terminated his life hours or days sooner than would have otherwise occurred). Were those his wishes? Does it matter? It’s confusing.
We don’t think he “committed suicide.” He did die sooner than science could have kept him alive. So quality of life becomes the key determination for him: better dead than to live in constant suffering (the losing consciousness due to heart stoppage was debilitating: can’t drive, wake up with head injuries from falling wherever he was when his heart stopped and started again from the implantable device).
Grandmother–age 104–refuses food and water. By not eating or drinking, she dies over the course of a week in the hospital. She had strong mental faculties (“sharp” as they say). Her hearing was getting poor; her eyesight was mostly gone; she was pretty hunched over. She fully recovered from a stroke at age 90. No permanent damage. Rehabbed everything, including her speech and motor functions. She fell off the toilet twice and broke each knee. Fully rehabbed each time with no permanent disability. She lived in “assisted living,” where they brought meals to her because she was too embarrassed to eat in front of other people since she couldn’t see well and ate messily. Used to seem trivial to us, and we don’t judge now. She was raised in her own context. How others saw her mattered to her. She buried two husbands. One of her two children–our mother’s sister (and the husband of deceased uncle described above)–died months earlier from cancer.
Grandma lost control of her bowel function. She survived colon cancer 40 years earlier. She survived the Great Depression, the Great Recession, countless epidemics. Losing her bowels–she told her daughter (our mother)–was the loss of her dignity. The decision to be dead instead of without her dignity was swift. She refused food and water and, as we told you, was gone in a week. Didn’t even tell our brother so that he could come back to Minnesota and say goodbye. She departed on her own terms.
Did she “commit suicide”? She didn’t end her life all at once. She deprived it of sustenance so that it died. Seems murky to us as to “suicide,” and yet she ended her life that would have kept going with basic sustenance (food and drink). This contrasts with uncle, who gave his body normal sustenance, and still knew he would die based on inaction. See how similar and yet how different?
Again, quality of life. Each person has her own line in the sand perhaps that, once crossed, makes life intolerable. Grandma wasn’t interested in other options. Being wiped like a child was too much for her.
If you haven’t read _Tuesdays with Morrie_, Morrie let himself be wiped like a baby and accepted the gift of being sustained by others until ALS robbed him of his respiration and took his life. Different point of view. He chose to live until death came and fully took him. Not judging. Just telling you. Stark in contrast to grandma.
What is our line in the sand? We believe science to some extent; that is, we agree the brain may be possible of rewiring. It takes for-fucking-ever; and we’re trying it. Therapy, books, practicing new ways, trying not to be our trauma. You know this drill. We’re trying. We have never attempted suicide. The times we’ve talked about suicide, our Ts help us see we are equating suicide (and death) with peace. With a lack of the pain and trauma. We don’t necessarily want to die so much as we want peace. Peace. Peace in our minds. Peace in our lives. Peace in the world. We know horror–all of us on this web site. We want the opposite. We sometimes imagine suicide to be the way to peace. It may or may not be. Being dead may bring us somewhere peaceful if we still retain something like eternal consciousness. Or we may simply become food for worms. Not judging. Just stating.
What we really want is peace, and so we have to work for peace. Grueling work. Forever work. Like if the Earth could feel its birth: volcanoes erupting and spewing liquid rock that spreads over the Earth’s skin and violently pours into the frigid seas and hardens there only to crack open as plates fight with one another and buckle to form Himalayas and Rockies. We hate the idea of peace via pain. And it isn’t really that way for us. The peace is coming via lessening the pain. Via self-compassion and the compassion of Ts and of you, who might read this and reply with kindness–who have read our words and replied with kindness.
This is how we work for our inside peace. One step at a time. Lava flowing, lava cooling. Plates colliding, plates pushing up until they slowly recede over millennia.
Before we would ever give up and commit suicide, we would try bold things: run away, try to live off the land, hide, be found, sleep, stay awake for days. Some of you have already done these things. And you are still here! You are so brave. Your line in the sand is so brave. Even if you took steps to kill yourself. You’re still here! Maybe your line moved because you’re still here. We minimize no one’s pain. We intend no harm to you. We want peace for you and for us.
We want no more violence. Killing ourselves is a violent act. Therefore, it goes against our core values. When we see birds–especially crows and ravens–we think they see the good in us. For now, we choose peace. We don’t know where our line in the sand is, and we haven’t reached it yet. So we keep the slow journey of peace. Let the lava keep flowing.
We found our line in the sand: muscle spasms. We used to get them all over the body and they could last for weeks: eye lid, tongue, private parts, arms, legs, hands.
One T thinks it’s from clenching our whole body so much. We get them less than 25 years ago, and this week has a major spike in spasms. Why?
We broke our wrist (dominant hand) falling off a tall hotel bed on family trip. Little forgot body size and tumbled head first. Wrist broke fall. Delayed dr. for 8 days.
Stress. Can’t do chores. Can’t earn our keep (not employed so housework is our thing). Can’t journal well with other hand.
One part of us is opposite gendered to the body’s anatomy and is curious about clothing and appearance, which isn’t bad; it’s just new.
Showering is major effort with one arm and a baggie covering cast that can’t get wet.
Can’t exercise. Hurts arm to move around. Reading books like always, taking prescribed Xanax, dragging us to daily T, and trying to limit dissociative delusions.
Shit sandwich. Muscle Spasms will not be tolerated. Full body massage may have to be considered: costs money and involves stranger touch. Spouse is overworked so might ask and might not.
Just venting. Don’t want to face line in the sand.
Reading about expansive breathing. Will update to keep us accountable. 4/9/18
Sounds like a lot of stress. I’m sorry your wrist is broken, and it’s the dominant hand which makes eating and writing and everything much harder. Painful and hard to do anything in the normal way you do things. I hope the cast time goes quickly, and the pain ends soon.
One thought, if you have insurance maybe a chiropractor for the spasms can help? It may cost less than a massage? Tens units have been helpful in the past for us. And we had a chiropractor that used acupuncture once that seemed to help the jerky muscle pains in our legs. Just a thought.
One question (you don’t have to answer in details or at all if you dont want); what do you mean by dissociative delusions?
I hope the opposite gendered part gets to find something they like and you all can agree on them representing themself on the outside with. That can be fun.
Take Care Of Yous
I have just read your posting here and my heart goes out to you. I so wish that I could reach through the Internet and give you a gentle hug, a soothing cup-of-whatever, a sincerely compassionate ear to listen and share, and a warm smile to help offer some light in the darkness that you now feel. You have such a searing and eloquent way of cutting through to the essential essence of life’s struggles. I am touched deeply every time that I read your postings!
I so hear the plague of body stress and memories. I am often in full spasms of body memory pain. But, now you have here and now pain to act as a huge trigger as well. Maybe we can put some mayo on that shit sandwich to cool it down a bit and make it easier to swallow. Would something like Progressive Muscle Relaxation help? You do not have to do the actual muscle-tensing part to have it work. That was triggering for me so my T walked me through it just using visualizations of the body parts and thinking relaxation into them. Maybe some online, guided meditation? Maybe a warm, Epsom salt bath with a chair and pillow beside the bath to rest your arm?
Where I am going with this is T.Clark is that I am hearing a whole lot of stress and that has to lead to a whole lot more muscle spasms and pain. It is all so inevitably linked with your history too so I am trying to think of ways to calm your mind and your body. And, given who we are as multiples that means working with a whole lot of layers of the mind. You may have to be creative to help your littles and others find some peace. What is most soothing to you?
Oh, then I read your posting that preceded this one (not sure how I missed it originally but I did). Now, all I can muster is a huge – wow, sigh and tears. Suicide is a topic that I avoid although it has been an ever-present shadow in my life. The past six months it has walked too closely with me. Finding your posting at this moment is pure epiphany – the universe speaking to me and awakening me to my truth. Just this very morning, I was meditating on my slow death of self and body. This is a path that I have followed much like your uncle and grandmother. Not what we usually think of when we think about death but the slow destruction of myself with food, drink and neglect of soul and self.
You have given me so much to ponder here T.Clark in earnest desire to know just where the line in the sand is for me in choosing life!
With humble regard, sincere heart energy and a whole lot of healing thoughts.
WOW … what compassionate insight here Deb. Your — no “breathing spaces” – insights blew me away! Gosh … I do not know what to say (so unusual for me … hahahaha)!
Hope we hear from “.” again……hope “she” got through the rough spot and is “breathing”………
I stand with ME + WE in reaching out to you…..please hold on…..please……even if we don’t know each other’s specific situations, we DO recognize and understand pain…..and this is a good place to pour out….
I tend to be an outward processor in writing…..that is what works for me in being able to “see where I am at”…..otherwise my Internal World feels like a tangled mess of unknowns….the picture I write may be far from pretty….but if I leave it completely “silent” on the “outside” the internal roar of it can become almost more than I can bear…….I know that many times I become panicky after having written….but I remind myself that it is the only way I can see where I am at….it is hard for me to “talk” things out…..writing is a better fit for me……..and having a group to pour out to who “understands” my language and my phrasing of things is like being able to take another breath…still scary? Yes….Feeling vulnerable? Yes…..but at least I won’t feel so much shame about being the way that I am…..I see that I am not alone…..
I can’t help but notice the way that people write…..I notice that your sentences are like one long sentence…..no “breathing spaces”……..I so get the intensity of your pain….no room to breathe….not even a fraction of a stopping point…..just one long flow of pain – everything feeling too connected to everything else…..that is how your writing hits me…..please keep writing……I have had times of writing like you do…..but see?…..I have the “…….” now….
It is still very hard for me to use a “.” ……It’s like I can’t find a final “stopping point” to anything yet…..everything inside somehow still feels all connected to everything else and I don’t know how to “untangle” it…..but at least I now have some “breathing” room…….
Please stay in touch….keep coming back……and write in whatever way works for you….it may help you to “see” where you are at and finally give you some “breathing space”……..
sometimes im right there the darkness is inviting it calls to me some days like today like yesterday like many days but i have tried and failed and failed again now i sit inside my head in the darkness in my guts that wont stay put i know no one and there is no one out there who sees me one brother died by hanging two friends by OD i have strong survival instincts i have to override have to fight and plan for i dont want to die i dont care to live i sit in this darkness inside my mind i cant touch the pain im dont know if im even alive really anymore. my mother left me after i attempted and failed the first time. is 16 still a kid. i feel like i died then i lost my whole family everyone and everything i knew. she threw me away to keep the secrets she didnt want to tell the doctors i walked across a bridge in the middle of town standing in the middle watching the water crash on the rocks below the falls and couldnt tell if i was alive. did i die? is this hell. i dont know i never did. we have never had anybody stick around for us. how do you care to live when there is no one out there to live for. just me in the darkness inside my head i cant touch the rest i dont belong here maybe im a ghost maybe i am dead and just dont know. i cant get out of where i am i dont know how much longer i can fight i dont know why i should fight anymore anyway i cant stay inside my mind much longer it hurts in there i dont know how to get rid of it our whote lives been full of hurt i am tired i cant do anything to fix it i broken too bad for anything i do nothing outside is too big to loud to noisy to bright too much going on we cant go out there been isolated for so many years alone solitary confinement 700 square foot prison cell i cant get out of i want so much to get out of my head i cant talk to anyone i dont know anyone. i have never felt loved needed wanted just a prop on a wall useless got nothing to give always depressed theres no one out there that will know when i die no one will be sad no one will miss me no one will even know im gone i did this to myself cant undo it being erased feels better than this i dont want to die but i dont want to live this life is too painful nothing will fix it im scared of death but the fear is a lie
I hear you and I care. I really do care. I know that you do not know me (well, just a bit from what I have written here) and I am not there to sit with you in your dark place. But, I am here. There are a bunch of us here for you. Folks who are listening and feeling so sad hearing your pain and wishing that there was something that we can do to shed a little light into your darkness. Some of us have been there in the abyss feeling like there is no way out, trapped in the darkness. Oh my but you have been so incredibly strong to endure all that you have … so remarkably strong and courageous. And you have reached out here to live. Keep reaching out. We want to keep shining our lights and throwing our lifelines to you so maybe you can start seeing your way out of your darkness. We are here to listen to you, honour you, support you and hold space for you as you work through your darkness.
On a practical note, I do hope that you have a T that you can talk to. There is help in sorting out your pain. Eventually, life does not seem as dark when you start peeking into the deep places with a trusted T.
If you do not have a T, then please phone a crisis hot line or get yourself to the hospital to get some help. There is help out there. Do not isolate yourself from that help okay?
Sending you positive, healing energy and a gentle hug (if you want one).
We consider suicide. Multiple times a day. As someone previously said, it’s a companion on this road. It never leaves us. Sometimes, like now, it feels more doable than at other times. We know it’s the season of Lent that make suicide more solid, more realistic, calling to the younger parts to just make everything die. So easy right now.
We are a burden on so many people it hurts.
All the Jill People says
Arrived on the internet this morning to find out that a dear friend who also had DID committed suicide.
This is the second DID friend who has done this. ?
Someone said we should be experts at loss. It doesn’t feel that way right now. Have lost so much in such a short time… ????????
Been on both sides of this fence so many MANY times. Know the pain of loosing someone and knowing what it’s like to even have almost committed suicide more than once in this life.
Both so painful…. ?
all the Jill People says
We are at such a loss for words. We too know someone who recently committed suicide.. sadly because his circumstances. It was such a shock for us to learn this.
Sorry,for your loss is so inadequate when you loose,someone. No matter what the cause.
We can understand this young mans thoughts and really why he did what he did. Sometimes a way “out” is out.
Having someone tell you that “enlightenment only comes by death” can feel like this is the only way.
It’s so final. It means the end of whatever has ensnares a person. Or at least on this side of things.
Not sure we can even convey what it is we would like to. It’s all so personal.. and has much of our own story in it. After all.. we should have died more than once at the hands of others AND by our own actions.
Doesn’t seem appropriate for us to say much right now. Our hearts are so conflicted right now… ?????? not really knowing exactly what to say or not to….
Mustard Seed says
How refreshing to just sit with the word suicide. To allow it into the room and see it as an option; to look at it sitting opposite you and see it as a companion who walks with so many people in emotional pain. I reckon many people despair and lean heavily upon this last and seriously final option as a way to control and alleviate the great internal pain and possibly extreme external conditions they find themselves in.
For me personally I’ve found thoughts of suicide comforting. In my case this option makes quiet some of the internal conflict, anger and deep painful saddness that accompanies the realisation that things happened in the past that im now left recalling as an adult. Like thousands of others I feel quite overwhelmed and unable to cope at times with intense emotions and irrational bouts of fear that feel like they’ve invaded my body. States of anxiety and debilitating saddness sweep over me now, many years after a multitude of traumatic experiences that had little affect upon me at the time. Its hard to believe that we can side step our emotions like this until one day it hits us and we tumble fueling self hatred. In many ways becoming aware of inner parts or feeling states? that have been quiet for so long is scary and confusing. Certainly a sense of being out of control is soothed, oddly by this threat of death. It’s like knowing there is an exit is enough at times and although desperately sad it does allow you the quiet needed to write about or think about why you would choose to do this. Often I think that’s enough to release the intense swell of emotion and release it. Dying in your thoughts can and does calm me at points, leaving me quiet and numb but at least quiet.
I guess I’m really talking about suicide ideation. I do hope I never feel it needs to go further but i guess it’s always there with you at the table inside your head ready to speak up when everything else seems chaotic and pointless. Respect must be paid to all of those who have taken their own life and those who have been left with sudden grief. There is much to be said for reaching out and just talking about that companion who walks with you.
people who commit suicide are brave, imagine the fear just before the act, the unknown.
i wish i was that brave.
My thoughts on suicide are probably different than most. I think it is always an option. So much power was taken from survivors that I think they deserve that ultimate decision. Talking about suicide will not increase the risk more. Tho if this option is a choice … it is 100% the own person’s responsibility & no one’s fault. It is a permanent decision. I am grateful I never accomplished my numerous attempts because my life got better & I would have missed some good stuff. I didn’t think of that at the time … I couldn’t imagine anything ever changing but it has. I think God is Ok with it. He gave us several examples. Mental Health Providers invest too much energy into it. Re-empower your client. Insurance is taking advantage of a loop hole. So … do I ‘want’ people to kill themselves? Resoundingly NO!!! You might miss something else you want in your life. And death will for sure come to each of us soon enough. Otherwise – it really sucks for all you left behind. Lots to process then move on. I know … my Dad did this.
So very sad for your loss Kathy. It hurts & One can never be ready for it. Sad for the Holiday Season as well. You will grieve & time doesn’t heal. Time just gives us an opportunity to live with the loss. To adjust to the reality that they will never be back. It’s so hard. I discovered the harder or more complicated the relationship was … the more difficult the grief & vise versa. Know you are loved & prayed for. Death is not accepted as a part of the circle of life in our culture but it is as sure as birth is. I think death should be talked about more as no one of us will get out of this world alive. Be gentle & easy with yourself. This is very very hard. You are loved & appreciated. I wish you much comfort. ♡
Kathy Broady says
Thank you for the comments, everyone.
Methinkstoo — you have had so much grief in your life in these recent years — well, probably in lots of years too, for that matter. Your compassion is heard. I can hear how much you’ve been thinking about these kinds of topics. It sounds like its been such a heavy heavy load. And… I’m so very sorry that your Dad made this choice. I don’t know anything about him, or understand his motives, but for you … it’s very sad. What a painful way to lose a parent. Thank you for writing. I appreciate hearing from you.
To the anonymous poster — thank you for your comment too. Much appreciated.
KiyaCat — Thank you for writing – as always, it is good to hear from you. I am sorry to hear this is such a difficult time of year for you. Yes, I do have plans to make a new post prior to Thanksgiving — I just got a little sidetracked by this stuff. I like the fences on the bridges because I think they do keep people safer. Of course, it’s still up to the person and the system to battle out those urges, but yes, I selected that picture because the fence was there. I know the thoughts and the urges are there. To me, the fence represents safety, or at least increased safety, even when the urges are so strong. It is a very triggery topic, especially when there is so much conflict about it. For me, I can talk about suicide all day long and know that I will NOT be at risk for killing myself. That’s just not gonna happen – “I ain’t a gonna do it”. But for those that are fighting with what to do, especially within a group of people struggling in the same way, conversations can bring up the insiders who are leaning that way. Of course, the only way to resolve that with them is to talk with them about it. I know you are working hard on your healing… It will get easier as you can sort out the conflicts and intense feelings from everyone inside. It happens… you can resolve your pain without having to die. You’re doing a good job, kiyacat. Keep working with everyone — hold tight when “sitting still” is the very very best thing to do, and please remember to be kind to yourselves. You can get thru’ this….
Thanks again everyone,