Years and years ago, there was a time in my life where I had been so surrounded by people, hour after hour, day after day, that I really didn’t know how to spend time by myself. That may seem weird, but I just hadn’t been alone much. It was a little freaky to learn how to be alone, and how to enjoy being alone.
I didn’t know how to sit with just quiet. It felt weird to not have a million things going on, people pulling on me for this or for that. I didn’t know how to handle that aloneness, and it even felt anxiety provoking. I was jittery. I couldn’t sit still, had to be doing something, anything. I even felt a little tearful. I just didn’t know how to handle it.
That was years ago. Decades ago. I’ve come a long way since then. I love my alone time now. Now I go a little nuts if I don’t get a good chunk of time to myself.
Today is the kind of day where being quiet is a treat.
It’s cool and rainy outside, and sitting snuggled up warm inside is just the thing. I’m looking through my photographs and remembering some pleasant times in my life.
I have learned to enjoy nature when I have time to myself.
I specifically like trees, especially the weird trees. Have you ever seen a weird tree? Let me share a few of my favorite pictures of really cool trees with you.
Trees are interesting. They have stories to tell, I just know it. I don’t know their stories, but when I look at them, with all their twists and turns, I just know their life has been interesting. Probably difficult at times. But look at how those hard times created beauty in their being. I find encouragement in that. If a difficult life can make a beautiful tree, maybe it also does that for a person too.
Do you see that? What on earth happened to this tree to make it so sidewards? Did the wind knock it over? Was there a huge thunder storm or tornado? And can you see that it is still alive? This tree has clearly survived a lot of adversity, and still it lives on… that’s amazing, isn’t it?!
Trees don’t have to be perfect to be beautiful. In fact, the more unusual they are, the more interesting they are. They absolutely fascinate me.
I love the complexities of the curves and the unique twists and turns. What happened to make all those turns?? Did the wind make that happen? Did the tree stretch those ways to reach the sunlight? Were the trees making cozy little sitting and nesting spots for the birds?
So interesting! The imagination goes wild.
The more unusual, the better!
And, I like bright colors. The brighter the color, the better!
Ever seen a maple tree in its full autumn glory? Is there any wonder why Canada picked this tree to be its emblem? What can be more vibrant than a big beautiful bright red maple leaf, eh?
Well done, Canada. Love the red.
Photo by plantwerks.blogspot.com
How about a massive purple jacaranda or the royal red-orange poinciana in their full bloom? Any full colored tree is incredible and awe-inspiring, but the purple trees are just magical to me.
For me, there is something calming and soothing about a pretty tree. They spark my curiosity.
When I like to have time to myself, I enjoy sitting quietly with trees. They are just so peaceful. I am fascinated by even the tiniest of details in their design. When I am alone, I purposefully look for a pretty place out in nature – I like to find new places to go, new trees to see.
Being alone is easy for me now. It’s a treat. It’s refreshing. Good for my soul.
How about for you?
Is it difficult for you to be alone?
In many ways, DIDer’s are never alone. Trauma survivors with Dissociative Identity Disorder often have a lot of noise in their heads. Most systems fill jam-packed full with insiders, and internally, it can feel like there are people everywhere. A dissociative system life is full, and having a system of a few dozen people makes for a whole lot of internal chaos at any given moment.
Never being alone internally can make it feel weird or scary or complicated to be alone externally. Is it a relief? Or is it too starkly different?
When you have DID/MPD, being alone can be a real challenge. First of all, with all the other insiders, how do you find your own time away from everyone? I would guess that some peace and quiet would be a nice change for a lot of you.
Or, it may be the opposite way as well. Are you one of those insiders who has been locked up and left alone for far too long? Can you turn those scary dark painful places into a place of personal comfort?
Have you ever even seen something pretty from nature? You all just gotta let your locked up insiders see the beauty of nature — it really will change everything for them. When you see something cool in nature, call back inside and invite everyone to have a look.
Or, are you like me, where you may have to learn how to be alone, and how to be comfortable when life is quiet?
No matter how scary this may feel at first, learning to enjoy quiet solace can become a true refuge.
Do you know what to do when you are alone?
And just to be clear here, I am referring to helpful activities, of course. I’m encouraging positive, healing, healthy alone time, not alone time that is used for self destruction activities.
Where do you go when you need time alone?
Where do you sit? Find your own place — it will be there.
What do you enjoy, and what do you look at?
When life gets heavy, or too noisy, or too busy, we all need a place to be. And yes, it’s okay to get away from people. Relationships with nature, and animals, and beauty can be much more fulfilling than you might realize.
It’s okay to enjoy time with yourself. If you need a quiet, calming friend with you, maybe you can find a really cool tree too.
I wish you peace, calm, and rest in your healing journey.
Warmly,
Kathy
All my life, I have always felt alone! Sisters, brothers, husband, children, grandchildren… but inside I felt alone. And “ALONE” was so scary to me. And it felt so odd… why did I feel alone? With people around me. It just didn’t make any sense. Until… just recently, as I have begun to accept that I have an inside family… and even as I type this, I can sense the joy inside that I am finally “getting it”… I am not really alone. How wonderful is that!!!
And honestly, I have a hard time believing that “I” really just wrote this. *sigh*
Rosepetals+ 🌺
11/27/20
We get it, Rosepetals+…..really conflicting, isn’t it?…..I have always felt alone in the Outside World…but one time when all the parts hid Inside somewhere and I couldn’t find them….then I REALLY felt alone!…..It was scary…As much trouble as I had acknowledging parts – it was scarier when I couldn’t feel them…..We are so glad you are seeing your Insiders as “family”…It makes a BIG difference….. 🙂
MissyMing
11/27/20
We don’t know which is worse….literally being alone?….or feeling alone in the middle of people….6 of one – 1/2 dozen of the other…….go figure…..
MissyMing
09/13/20
we are nearly always alone. we have maybe one close friend who we see only rarely as she too has DID, and like us, can only tolerate social situations for a limited time. we have Duffy bear to talk to and to comfort us and we have each other but that’s about it. we have no contact with our abusive family for good reason.
Alone time can be the hardest time. We hide away from the world, away from the stimulation of sounds and noises. Noise hurts. Chaos hurts. So we hide in our room, hoping that the noise will go away and we can try to be calm again. Body pain, headaches, internal chaos. WE hate being alone, we love being alone. We want friends, we hate friends. We love people, we hate them. We trust too much, we don’t trust anyone or anything. We love sex, we hate sex. We love nature, we hate nature. We are girly, we are masculine. But alone we suffer, alone the thoughts come and we try so hard to hide away, sleep away the pain and grief of a sadistic and sad childhood. Once we rem the trauma, now we all know, and the pain never goes away. The pain we feel never ever seems to end.
For us….Outside commotion causes awareness of MANY conflicting perspectives….we are OK, we are NOT OK, THAT person is safe, THAT same person is NOT safe, HOW are we “supposed” to “be” in a given situation…which “direction” is the correct one, do we be “brave” OR do we get away from there NOW?, etc. etc.
Yet actually being alone leaves us in an Internal “stupor”…..so many “piles” that need answers and no way to get closure on any of it….and because we don’t have much actual “memory” of happenings – just “suspicions and flashes” – then here come the waves of “I must be making all of this up….” Which makes me wonder if I am literally losing my mind…..
Sooooo – surviving daily life seems to be a “precision-ly timed” bouncing between potential extremes of being “alone” and being a part of “Outside”……it can feel exhausting……
MissyMing
11/09/19
I prefer being alone because I never feel like I fit in anywhere and the “strain” of that is hard…always on guard and never quite feeling “safe”……..it is hard when Outsiders or situations “prove” that I am different no matter how hard I try to not be….I can’t seem to ever figure out what it was I did “wrong” or how to fix it……asking for feedback so I can objectively find out where I am at only seems to irritate them…….
Even when I am “alone” I am not alone….there is always some level of “turmoil” going on Inside somewhere even if I can’t see or hear what it is – I can “feel” it…..some type of “processing” going on in the background that I don’t have access to…….
I REALLY liked all your “weird”, unique trees….they are my favorites – I connect with those MUCH better than the “perfect” looking ones (although THOSE are nice, too)….I wonder what their story is and how they got like that……thinking that their continued existence could even be a miracle story!…….
Sometimes I wish there were more Outsiders who wondered about our stories as well – who weren’t so quick to get away from us, who had ears to hear and eyes to see “uniqueness” and weren’t afraid of it …..
That there will one day come someone who has the ability to see me as “unique” rather than a “misfit” and I can actually be able to call them “friend”………………..
We live in the middle of a forest. We are surrounded by trees. We are also quite alone in our outside world most of the time. It’s being WITH people are being social that frightens us the most (although most outside people don’t or can’t see that about us). We would RATHER be alone. We don’t have to explain our actions or emotions or lack of either to anyone.
Yet, we know that being alone for us is not really a good thing, but it’s so hard to get away from our isolation.
Hope that made sense.
I do enjoy the quiet very much!!i crave it. It is never completely quiet because of all the noise in my head, but i like to be outside in nature or have the tv and radio off or just listen to the rain. Lay with my dog and listen to him snore while he sleeps.
The are others inside who are scared of the quiet because they cannot stand to be alone, and they cant stand to hear their own thoughts. But i like it, at least for a while.
I prefer being in a relationship as opposed to being alone. It works out nicely when you get along with the other person.
I can’t agree with you more. Being in nature is so healing! I know what you mean about the twisted trees. They are so cool to look at! I lived in New England for most of my life. I loved the foliage. It’s so peaceful to be in. I use to walk my German Shepherd though a preservation when I needed the alone time. It was wonderful except for the ticks he would get.
I also went for walks in Salem Willows Park. That’s in Salem, Massachusetts. The old willow trees almost seem to have a silent wisdom. I miss that.
I remember putting my hand on an evergreen and receiving an odd impression from it. It almost felt like it spoke to me. I realized that this tall tree and one’s nearby aren’t all that impressed by the ingenuity of humans. They are too busy celebrating the joy of their relationship with the Creator.
Okay. I might have said a little too much. 🙂 Thanks!
And then…
Where? Ever I am.
I am always,
There.
When? Ever I go.
We never stay,
Here.
There? We are together.
Somehow.
Near.
EverWhere
Where, ever I am
I am
Always…There
When, ever I go
We never
Stay… Here
There, We are
Together
Some how… Near.
Turnstile13,
Thank you so much for sharing your poems on this thread.
It is very much like that..
Together. Everywhere. Even when not.
K.
It is often a relief to finally be alone, because there are times that the external world demands we respond certain ways for other people’s sakes or to handle a difficult situation; when all the while our inner world is pulling us elsewhere, needing to distance us from harshness and pressure.
A lack of a sense of connection, whether it be lacking with someone externally or internally, can be a very gnawing, restless experience. That would be what makes me feel alone. I don’t think there is anything more lonely than the loneliness i sometimes feel among other people.
But i don’t mind being by myself at all.
I love hearing rain, wind, waves, birds calling, leaves rustling. I enjoy being alone outside. I love walking in the woods and by the water and looking at the sky. I feel free when i wander and it seems at these times the happier, younger sides of me are more likely to come forward inside and express and feel contentedness. (It’s a big difference from other inner aspects that are likely to make themselves known in other settings, that i don’t like.) I love all the seasons and sun and clouds and rain and i bring things home from my wanderings to keep enjoying.
I don’t know what life would be like without this.
The grone ups like caden need to get away from outside pepol allot becuz it makes them crazy if they dont get allone time.
But we really are always allone acshally.well lonley. Is it the same?
But we cant ever be allone cuz theres to much talking inside are head its always noisey and loud. We cant get away from each other but wish we cuod.
All of us likes trees tho. We always feel trees when we go by them. Cuz trees feel so many difrent ways.
1. Being alone (to me) is safer. People can’t leave or hurt or give up on me.
2. I’m DID… I’m never truly alone.
3. That red Japanese maple above the purple jacaranda is in the Portland Oregon Japanese Gardens and I have the same tree (same season, different angle with more light) on my wall.
4. You’ve included a tree from an article called “A Quiet Death”… Ummm…
>^..^<
I love alone time! It’s people time I have problems with lol
I’ve learned that I need balance between the two–being alone and being with people.
I tend to be sensitive to having too much going on around me in social situations, so sometimes I need to be alone. I need that time to re-charge my batteries and balance the amount of fight or flight response from being anxious in social situations. People often mistakenly believe that I’m isolating myself and that I must be depressed but I don’t feel that way. I just enjoy my alone time and need some down time. I like my privacy and spend a lot of time engaging in inner reflection and gaining personal insight. It helps me make better thought out decisions
As I am moving along in my healing process, I’m also beginning to see that being connected with people is a source of comfort and support. I’m very aware of my tendency to avoid people because of negative earlier experiences but I have to caution myself not to get carried away with this. Feeling emotionally supported by friends is something that helps me feel resilient when going through tough moments.
In short, I need balance between social time and time spent alone.