Last week, I couldn’t find the words to write about the struggles that so many dissociative survivors have on Mother’s Day. Sometimes, Mother’s Day is a very painful day.
In response to that, a dissociative survivor emailed me, and has given me permission to post their thoughts about the painful side of Mother’s Day.
Maybe you will relate to these difficult thoughts and painful feelings.
Every year on Mother’s Day we as a society get inundated with movies about mothers, sappy Hallmark card Mother’s Day commercials, endless rounds of advertisements on ways you can show your mother that you love her by buying her something. On Mother’s Day many churches do tributes to moms – handing out charm bracelets, giving out flowers, and preaching sermons about how families are wonderful things to have and how you need to be so thankful to your mother for raising you and putting up with you. Mothers are celebrated as though motherhood is the be all and end all of existence. It’s required that you show appreciate to your mom, grow up to be a fantastic mother, or show tribute to all the mother figures in your life.
But what if Mother’s Day is just full of pain?
What if just the thought of your own mom brings on fear and anxiety, or what if you have lost a child, or what if you are unable to have children, or what if you don’t even want children of your own? What if while reading praises about other people’s lovely mothers just brings you to tears filled with jealousy or an aching in your heart? Or what if thinking about your own mom doesn’t conjured up love, but perhaps obligation or hate or even terror?
This is side to Mother’s Day that just doesn’t get discussed very often.
If you’re blessed to have a good mother, that’s wonderful. But not everyone wants to hear about it – especially on Mother’s Day. The day brings up too many intense feelings, especially if you want to be a mom but cannot be, or your mother hurt you, or your mom has died.
There are mothers out there for whom you can’t find just the right Hallmark card. “Thank you for being such a precious mom who I am so grateful for” just doesn’t cut it. How about cards that say “You were never there for me.” Or how about “Thanks for never stopping dad / your boyfriend / your brother from molesting me in the bedroom next to yours.” Or what about “I know you never even wanted me.” Or perhaps, “I never even knew you.” Instead of thankfulness and love and gratitude, there should be cards that express fear, anger, stress, and hurt.
Instead of spending Mother’s Day taking your mom out to dinner and to the spa, some people spend it curled up on the couch, just trying to survive the day. Some spend the day trying to cope with flashbacks; giving into painful behaviors such as cutting or over-eating; feeling lost and very, very alone. Some people spend the day aching over the grief for children they can’t have, for the mom they always wanted but don’t feel like they deserved.
What if Mother’s Day is one of the worst days of the year for you?
What do you do then while it seems that everyone else in the world is celebrating?
Ouch.
Well said. That is exactly the kind of emotional pain I was thinking about, but said so much better by this trauma survivor.
Their pain is palpable.
How do you relate to these words?
How would you answer these difficult questions?
How difficult was your Mother’s Day?
And what ideas do you have for Mother’s Day cards that haven’t yet been written?
I wish you healing…. especially in the tender places.
Warmly,
Kathy
Copyright © 2008-2020 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
I dont have a mom
Or a dad
Some times i wish i did
I be a orfin
I wish i could have a famly adopt me
I pretend some times i got a mom to tuck me in
But it be just pretend
Probably the worst ‘holiday’ of all. Fortunately in recent years the woman who calls herself our mother has been in another province on vacation during mother’s day so we aren’t forced to endure a meaningless family event. Recently we cut off all contact with our family so we’ll never have to worry about it anymore but its still a yearly reminder of what a monster she was.
We don’t have cable TV so we can avoid the inevitable sappy ads and such. We avoid the card aisle in stores.
We imagine father’s day must be a nightmare too for many people. And Christmas for sure.
Not so long ago we sadly realized that we were never really treated like a child at all but a little adult who was expected to behave and act accordingly, which for a child of course isn’t possible. It just made things all that more torturous.
The societal expectations during such holidays is so frustrating to us, “what are you getting your mother for mother’s day?” We’re commonly asked that, and we never know what to say.
99% of people don’t seem to comprehend that a mother can even BE abusive it seems to us. “But she’s your mother!” they say, in astonishment. Again, what do we say?
We tend to be full of rage on the day itself, and depression.
We are all confused about “Mother’s Day”…. parts “admire” her….parts wonder where she was – why didn’t she “help” us….we don’t know which “feeling” is right…..Mother’s Day is confusing……we aren’t a “mother” because we had NO clue how to be one…..
MissyMing
05/04/20
Today on tv i saw on a show a lady getting married and telling her mom what an inspiration the mom was, and she wants to be just like her mom, and she is so happy she had a mom like her.
I wanted to throw up.
Mothers day is horrible, stupidest holiday ever.
Its a horrible time leading up to it, and the actual day is a nightmare,
Too many big feelings to deal with.
f*&king holiday gets worse every year
someone needs to make a card that says
thanks for throwing us to the wolves
i dont have a mom
I am not sure what others have written here, but this Mother’s Day was the worse I’ve ever had. I had a total system crash, complete with ugly tears, and angry alters coming out. Mother is dying. We don’t know if she knows about our years of repeated sexual abuse. Now she is too sick to talk about it. I don’t think she knew, but there were many signs over the years. I won’t be graphic, but at one time they seperated, but then they came back together a few months later. We had the chance to talk about our abuse, but we were too scared and ashamed. When we were asked for more detail, we lied about how things were. I think we were told to keep secrets. So we lied. The abuse continued into our teen years. Now we have a hard time forgiving mother and she is dying. So we can’t even tell her how angry we are.
We had a part come out that wanted to hurt another part too over the last week. We also had a terrible dissociate episode about a week ago where we had a “seizure” that was really a pseudo-seizure during cooking dinner. It lasted a while, and we couldn’t talk or respond. The husband took us to bed to rest.
Also, we are struggling to find out what my new details of therapy are going to look like. More boundaries. So our system is sad and frustrated about that. We have been having a lot of disagreements with people too. So all around, our system is in chaos.
On a good note, we did a yoga class fo the PTSD women’s class we mentioned before. Trying to work more on grounding techniques and breathing..
Oh my dear DK … you certainly are going through a very trying time. It is not surprising that your system is in chaos or that you have had some big melt-downs. This is a no-win situation for you. As I see it, all you can do is try to be as gentle, understanding and patient with yourself as you can. As you say, this is not a time to work out stuff with your mom. That will have to wait. At this point, assume that she did not know, spend what time you want with her and work out the other stuff later.
Maybe you have some inside folks who can help with the traumatized folks and angry folks? This might be a good time to build an inside safe place if you have not already done so. Someplace for the little ones to go and be safe and comforted while you deal with the outside world.
My dad died a couple of years ago and I knew that the situation was going to be very stressful. Hospitals are a part of my childhood traumas and there I was for six weeks everyday at the hospital. I also knew that one of my abusers would be at my dad’s funeral (actually another “surprised” us and showed up too). I asked my little ones go to their safe place during the day. At night, when it was quiet and safe and just my husband was with me, I invited them out to be held and to talk to them about their stuff. I asked my angry ones to please give me the time and space to handle what I needed to get through in those weeks with a promise that they could let loose with my T at a later date. And I asked my wise old woman alter to come out and take over at the hospital and at my dad’s funeral.
Yes it was a lot of internal negotiation, compromise, deal making and cooperation with the goal of making the time manageable for us all – not just me the host. My insiders seemed to understand and appreciate that. When things got too tough, I drove to a safe, quiet place from childhood to just collapse and scream.
I do not know how much cooperation that you have with your insiders DK but this may be a good time to try. Do not assume that they do not want to help and cooperate. They have been created to help you in the first place. Maybe they just need some direction about what would be most helpful right now.
Above all be kind, caring, patient and understanding with yourself right now. The yoga and PTSD group are excellent support and help for you I am sure. I am happy to hear that you have this support. Oh ya … and lots of grounding … lots and lots of grounding …
With warm thoughts and wishes and a big old hug if that is okay.
ME+WE
05/17/2018
Thank you ME + WE. Today was sad too because we had a T day and ended up in a big fight. We read notes about things that made us mad at the T, and the angry one took over and told her that we hate her and to “f-off” Nice, right?
So we had to apologize for that big rant. Our system is so upset; she was nervous about having to not meet face to face for a bit, and how we would take it.
We knew we couldn’t, at least for the summer. So we will do a lot of phone therapy. Maybe some occasional texting, reserved for bigger system chaos.
We are aware of different parts; the angry one wants to be out a lot and she seems to hate everyone and everything. So it’s not surprising that she told the T, to F off when asked who was talking today.
I hate when she comes out b/c we don’t feel like we can get her well b/c she is so emotional all the time. We are having a hard time with close relationships right now. We want to be close to people, but the angry one just ends up hurting those we care for, and those we care for, sometimes those who are trying to help. (like the T).
I am aware of my parts at this point, but not so much as asking each one to step forward. We are working on trying to get them to communicate better so we are more aware of our traumas. We are now aware we were abused from toddler-teen years so it has been hard to accept. We had physical, emotional, and sexual abuse for many years.
We are beginning to be able to tolerate talking about things that have caused crashes in the past- keeping with our med plan, explaining difficult “parts” to our teenage daughter, admitting our faults of the past; and working towards being kinder in general.
We have also been trying to garden, put our house on the market, search for a house, and work part time. We are going to try to slow down so we can process things better.
How do you get to the point that you can “call out’ each alter? Tell each one they can do different things- like a child or teen that wants to go skating? We like that idea.
Thanks again, DK 5/18/18
Hi DK,
Wow … just a whole lot of turmoil at your end. I am sure that your T understands what is happening. As long as you are willing to be aware of what is happening and own your part (and apologize when necessary), I am sure that you can work things out with your T.
But, it would really be good for you and your T if you can calm things down a bit (talking about the inner turmoil here and insiders acting out). That may mean talking with your insiders and making agreements to work on things but slower and in turn. In other words, help them recognize that no one benefits from them all shouting at once so to speak.
I use a morning meditation to get at this with my insiders. So, I have a routine every morning where I will sit quietly and meditate and go to where they live. Now, honestly I usually choose not to go to where the angry ones live. I sit and give them an opportunity to come to me and air any problems, grievances, or issues with me or just to talk. Sometimes I initiate the discussion if there is something that I want to know about or tell them about. Sometimes I just sit and hold them and comfort them. Now, this has taken a lot of practice and work to bring my insiders on board with communicating with me this way but I find that it does help a lot. Others may have different ways that they communicate with their insiders (i.e., in a non-triggering, internal communication way).
My T has also taught me to put things away from session to session. In other words, when things come up in therapy, rather than sitting on that trauma until my next session, put it back in the box and back on the shelf to bring out next time. Honestly, some times this works and sometimes not. Most times it settles things down but I get depressed. I would rather depression then acting out though. I guess that the idea is to try and stop that cascade of memories and emotions that can sometimes overwhelm us and go at things a little at a time.
Now, calling out insiders to take over — that has taken a lot of time and practice to do (for me personally others may have different experiences). My morning meditation is where I have concentrated on building communication – always communication first. This way I have built a relationship where I can negotiate and compromise with my insiders. As for calling them out, I only have three insiders where I can do this (and not always successfully so). I have one other that I have built this level of communication and cooperation with but she is in trauma so I do not call her out.
When I am in a situation where I require help, I close my eyes, visualize the insider that I want to talk with, call to them so that they appear in my head and then ask them to take over. For example, I have been dealing with some eye issues. This has meant a lot of doctors (a huge trigger for me) and eye tests. When I get into the tests, my vision just goes wonky on me. So, I try to calm myself and call upon my one insider who is not afraid of doctors and who I feel sees the best to take over. Sometimes it happens in strange ways and I cannot calm myself to get there but, when he does take over, I can see the charts.
Again, it all starts with building communication with your insiders and cooperation comes from that.
You have a HUGE amount of stressors going on in your life DK (moving too?! Wow!). That would make anyone unstable. Try and find some quiet time to just relax, self-sooth and take a break from all of your worries. It may be that your insiders are actively acting out as much as a way of dealing with your current stressors than it is a reflection of your past traumas. So, the focus right now might be best spent on relieving the current stress in any way that you can.
With all best wishes,
ME+WE
05/20/2018
Thanks, ME+WE, you always seem to know just what to say. I love your ideas in this post! I want to let different ones have more fun if they can-so they can be happy again!
I just want to be loved and be happy like everyone else in the world. Thank you for listening. It makes us feel loved and happy to know others care about us!
We are doing better after a hard couple of weeks. I hope to be able to keep working in therapy and daily life on cooperation amongst parts. Not knowing who will come out when is really hard!
All the best, DK 5/22/18
Hi DK,
I am so glad to hear that some of what I have said helps. Indeed building some fun and soothing times with our insiders is great too. We often have insiders that are not caught up in the trauma (or not as much) and they need attention too. All of our insiders deserve some happiness, fun and soothing. Say, and you deserve some fun and happiness too!
You are certainly heard, valued and sincerely cared for here DK. You are just working on so many things right now. Maybe give yourself a break and choose to put some of the stuff that you can in the shelf right now. It is not ignoring the stuff or pushing it away, it is just recognizing that you cannot take on the world all at once. Maybe ask your inside folks if you all can take a bit of a rest. You never know who will cooperate until you ask.
I am sending you a big hug (if you want one), some virtual chocolate (who does not need chocolate when stressed) and a nice cup of tea (always sooths me)… oh … and lots of love. ☺
ME+WE
05/23/2018
WHAT LORI MOTHER TAUGHT US:
HOW MEN, EVEN WOMEN ARE ALLOWED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF US
THAT WE SHOULD ALWAYS BE COMPLIANT.
THAT EVIL LIVES INSIDE THIS BODY
THAT ITS OKAY FOR HER HUSBAND TO MAKE MONEY SELLING THIS BODY TO HIS FRIENDS,
SHE ALSO TAUGHT US THAT WE WERE NOT VALUED
THAT BEING LOVE IS PHYSICALLY PAINFUL
THAT WE ARE NOT WORTH PROTECTING
THAT EVEN GOD WOULD NOT EXCEPT US INTO HEAVEN
HOW OUR NEEDS AND WANTS COME LAST BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT IMPORTANT
Hi LORI2,
Your mother sure did teach you a bunch of horrible things that you did not (do not) deserve. They are your mother’s evil NOT yours. I hope that you are teaching yourself new, proper, loving life lessons. Here is what I would like to say to you:
NO ONE (men or women) should have been allowed to take advantage of you or hurt you in any way then or now.
You DO NOT have to be compliant with an abuser and predator nor should you have been told to, been punished to do this or otherwise made to comply with harmful things done to you.
Evil DOES NOT live in your body. You were/are beautiful, pure and perfect then and now. Evil was in the men and women who abused you.
NO ONE should have been allowed to harm you in any way ESPECIALLY for their own gain or pleasure.
You ARE valued by your community of friends here. Those persons in your life who did not value you are stupid and blind to the precious person that you are.
Love is NOT physically painful. What they did to you was NOT love – it was brutal, hateful violence. Love is warm and soft and gentle and soothing. You deserve REAL love.
Yes you ARE worth protecting. You always were. You are now. The bad people in your life were wrong not to have protected you.
God loves you and will welcome you into heaven if you want him in your life. God sees what a special and worthy person you are. It is the bad people who hurt you that should fear where they will go after death.
You are VERY IMPORTANT. You were important then and you are now. You are important to your community of friends here. The bad people in your life denied the wants and needs that you deserved. That was not fair or right. It does not have to be that way now.
What has been taught can be unlearned LORI2. Just keep telling yourself the life lessons that you should have heard.
With sincere compassion and caring for the beautiful LORI2 who deserves to be seen and valued.
ME+WE
05/15/2018
HI ME+ME ,
I HAD A FEW DROPS OF LIQUID IN MY EYES, WHEN I READ YOUR POST. I LIKE OTHERS IN LORI BODY WISH WE COULD BELIEVE IN YOUR WISDOM AND LOGIC. OUR THERAPIST THE HUSBAND A BELOVED FRIEND HAVE TRIED FOR MANY YEAR .TO CHANCE THE CORE BELIEF.
I SOMETIME WOUNDER IF THE HOST CORE BELIEF CAN BE TRANSFERRED ON TO SOME OF US. OR IS IT A WAY WE CONTINUE TO PROTECT HER ?, SO SHE WILL NOT HAVE TO SEE WHAT HER HOME LIFE WAS REALLY ALL ABOUT.
Hi LORI2,
Our harmful core beliefs (such as the ones that you have listed above) were put on us by others. They do not belong to us. Others made us think that that was what was the truth but it is not. They did this when our hearts, minds and souls were the most innocent, vulnerable and open to these evil forces. And, they did it to us for their own evil purposes not because it was true or right for us. When we were little we thought that that was the way that things had to be because that is what we were told, what we experienced, what was drilled into us by horrible, hurtful speak and actions by the bad people. But it is NOT who we really are.
All of Lori’s insiders like you LORI2 were there to help because what was happening was just too awful for Lori to understand and survive. Sometimes some of the insiders take on the core beliefs of the evil ones because they think that it is the best way to protect everyone. And sometimes it is back when all of the bad things were happening. But, it can sometimes not be helpful now that Lori is not little anymore and the bad things are not happening anymore. It is really hard sometimes to know that the bad things are not happening anymore so you can find a new way of being.
Lori is so very blessed to have all of her insiders. You all are precious and valued. Building communication with Lori and everyone inside is super important because it will be a much happier place if you can start working together. You all deserve happiness and to not feel that you are responsible for or deserve any of the hateful things done to you. And, as hard as it will be for Lori to really see and know what her home life was like, she needs to know so that you can all heal. She will need to see in little bits though okay? Not all at once. You will have to be patient with her as she takes in what you have to tell her a little bit at a time.
I am so very happy that you have come here LORI2 and that we have had a chance to talk. Please know that I am here to talk with any time that you want to.
Your friend,
ME+WE
05/17/2018
We don’t have kids. When young it was because B’s husband didn’t want them. After the divorce, it was because she thought she didn’t deserve them. We haven’t seen or heard from her mother in over 35 years. Don’t even know if she’s alive. Some inside people care, others don’t. This day is a suck day just like all the other commercial holidays that tell everyone you are nothing without family. It’s good to know some people out there had good mothers and/or fathers. Honestly, it just makes me angry. What did we do to deserve the lives we got? How does a child, at any age, deserve the shitshow lives we had to survive?
Hi Lawrence,
My husband did not want children either. Took a long time for him to come to that conclusion. The families were not happy with us that we did not have children. My father-in-law, on his deathbed, asked my husband why he married me when I did not give him children. My husband did not fess up that he was the one who did not want children.
I was too terrified to have children. I have aunts who were bio-polar and seriously so (institutionalized). The connection was with childbirth. Then I was abused in my early 20s. I had no knowledge of earlier abuse but felt that the abuse in my 20s was deserved somehow (a pattern for abused folks I am now learning). I also felt that I would never get pregnant because God had spared me the burden when I was being abused.
So, when my husband said that he did not want children, I was relieved. I always thought that I was not destined to have children so it took the worry out of things knowing that he did not want children. Interestingly, I also had (coincidental) serious gynecological problems at points when decisions to have children were present and when first dealing with my DID and childhood abuse.
In hindsight, I am rather sad that I did not have children. Like so many things in my life, I am looking at them through a very different lens now that I know about my DID and childhood trauma.
How many things did I give up because I was too broken to see the possibilities?
How many things am I still giving up because I feel too broken to see the possibilities?
ME+WE
05/15/2018
What I posted on Facebook earlier:
This is a difficult day for many people. Actually, a difficult day that society created to sell chocolate-covered strawberries and flowers at Costco. My heart hurts for those whose moms are gone, or never existed in the way the people needed, and for those experiencing the pain of miscarriage and other devastating losses of children. Of course, I am grateful for my mom, my aunts, Josh’s mom, my grandmothers, and so many others. I’m also mindful of the pain today causes to so many that I love, and those I don’t know. Treat yourself with love. Know that whatever the calendar or Costco says about today, it’s just Sunday. ❤️❤️
Wow … well said Andrea. As we struggle to feel “normal” with our everyday lives, we crave for all of the symbols of what society tells us “normal” is. My childhood was amazingly normal on the outside and brutally broken on the inside. So, yes I feel a yearning for that which was not mine to have. I do not know why I did not receive that loving, compassionate and safe childhood that was my birthright.
NONE of us deserved a fraction of the abuse, neglect and brutalization that we experienced as children. And, we do not deserve that torment, pain and dysfunction that we feel now as a result. What do we do with this dilemma – in perpetual pain because of the actions of others? Do we stay there? Can we change the trajectory of our lives? Can we heal by giving back to ourselves?
Society constructed holidays (or rather corporate constructed holidays) such as Mother’s Day bind us up in the trauma of yesterday. Let’s choose not to go there. Now, some folks may have good relationships with their mothers or be mothers themselves who can take in the gratitude of this day with their children. Go for it. But for those who have sad and painful memories, try not to dive into that pool of yesterdays lost. Work on your grief in therapy yes but do not make some artificially constructed day on your calendar mean more pain for you. It does not have to. As Andrea says – “it’s just Sunday.”
While you are at it, listen again to what Kathy is trying to teach us here. We have a whole host of little ones inside who need a good mother to show them love, compassion, soothing, warmth, caring, proper food, clothing and hygiene, etc. Rather than living in the past of “what if” and “why me” turn your energy into being a good mother to your insiders. As you mother your little ones, so to are you providing yourself with the mothering that you should have had. Healing and proper mothering starts at home – your inside home where a bunch of needy and deserving little ones look to you for the kind of unconditional love, compassion and tenderness that you were denied.
Turn Mothers Day into Mothering Every Day with your insiders.
ME+WE
05/13/2018
today inside our head it sound like loud banging and yelling and crying from evrebudy. evreybudy upset. we hate mothers day so much. it be so loud in here.
Anonymous: might you send what you wrote to your daughter? Sending peace.
This particular parent has been recently shut out by her daughter and currently not being spoken to.
Your words today brought references about our own mishandling of a very difficult time when our children were growing up
We were in an abusive relationship with their biological father. We chose to have children and brought them into an environment that wasn’t healthy. It was hurtful. We didn’t protect our children from abuse. Many times, we were frightened beyond anyone’s feelings or thoughts.
Did we want the child who we now speak of as not speaking to us? My goodness. We have gone over this about a billion times in our head. We haven’t been exactly the healthiest emotionally or physically. In the beginning, we struggled with really not liking this particular child. Don’t know if it was the DID, post Parton depression or what. We admit having no tso loving feelings about this particular child.
Then we Mande some serious mistakes. We DO mean serious.
It’s no wonder we aren’t being spoken to an d why this daughter doesn’t wish to have contact with us. We are seriously guilty of the many hurtful things written here.
In some ways, we have been the “abusive” parent. In fact, many ways.
So this year.. we spend Mother’s Day without having one adult child in our lives anymore. We deserve this. As many hurtful words we have said about our own parent, the same can almost be said about us.
We are most certainly useless and don’t blame anyone for what they choose as far as no longer connected to their mothers.
Just know that this dying parent regrets everything. And wishes she had never had done all that was bad. We can never go back.. and shall now leave this earth with a multitude of regrets.
💔
Mothers day is a horrible day for us. We try to hold it all in.We try to not think about it. We try to ignore it. But my heart still knows what day it is. Every year it gets more painful.
Yesterday for teacher appreciation week a little girl in my class gave me a happy mothers day balloon because she thought it was pretty no matter what it said on it. we were outside when she handed it to me,
before i could grab it, the strong wind took it, and it disappeared into the sky too fast to catch it.
it felt so ironic.
once i did have motherhood almost in my hands. i could almost touch it. the adoption papers were signed. i wanted it more than anything. And then it was snatched out of my hand before I could have it. and i had to watch it get taken away.
i dont know how to get over that. i dont talk about it to anyone anymore because it does no good. but i think about it every day.
people try to tell me that since i am a teacher i am like a mother to hundreds of kids. but it isnt the same.. not even close.
and our inside kids have SO many mom issues, its crazy. i am already having a bad week, and they have been a huge mess because of this one day coming tomorrow. some of them have been holy terrors just because of mothers day.
i dont know how to help them in the way they need.
i dont even know how to help myself.
I dont even want to hear another [beep-beep] story or tv show or commecial about mothers.I am staying out of all the stores and avoiding tv.
stupidest [beep-beep] holiday ever along with fathers day. even thinking about it puts me in a really bad mood.
i dont give a [beep] about moms. or dads. dont need either one of them.
I am learning to be sanguine about Mother’s Day. I mostly just find it confusing these days, because my mum has had two versions of herself. When I was a child, she didn’t want me, didn’t like me, sometimes sexually abused me, once tried to kill me, threw childish tantrums and relied on me to talk her out of suicide. There must be something in the old adage ‘treat em mean, keep em keen’, because I desperately wanted to send this first version of my mum a Mother’s Day card, but she hated Mother’s Day, so wouldn’t let me. Then when I was 20, she morphed into Version 2, becoming calm, kind, friendly and supportive. After a fraught period for me of readjustment to the new her, she has become one of my best friends, but she is so unlike her former self that I think on some deep emotional level I do not recognise her as the same person, and I have no urge whatsoever to send Version 2 a Mother’s Day card. It’s like she’s not my mum at all. Fortunately, the one thing she has in common with Version 1 is that she still hates Mother’s Day, so the lack of a card causes no tension between us. But it is nevertheless a confusing time. It is also socially awkward having to mutter about my mum not liking Mother’s Day every time someone asks what I’m going to give her. I always stress that side of the equation, because to say I don’t want to give her anything anyway would either show me up as damaged goods or just make me look mean. The fact is, I STILL want to give a card to Version 1, and STILL long for her to accept it, but I can’t and she wouldn’t. Was that selfish of her or was I just being selfish myself wanting her to accept gifts she didn’t want?
How was this year, you ask?
Ok and not ok. Nearly ended up in psych ER both weekend days (nights), totally hit rock bottom, all kinds of acting out behaviors from parts, pulled off a “successful” day with mum only to have a repeat night and a long phone session with my psych nurse. Glad it’s over!!! (Until it all starts again with winter holidays).
Cheers
This year was the worst mother’s day we have ever had thus far. Recently as in last week, we found out that our mother had gotten married again. We were not invited of course because we have been disowned for trying to speak the truth and to stop living in all the lies and secrets. The news surprisingly sent us into some major turmoil inside. She is moving on with her life and left us here stuck in this spot which we can’t seem to break free from. Struggling doesn’t seem like a strong enough word to describe things, but it is all we got for now. Feelings have surfaced which is also surprising considering I don’t normally feel anything. Such a strong hatred, pain and loss, fear and rage are just below the surface and what also feels like an endless amount of tears. It has gotten to the point that not much makes sense anymore and since that is what I usually work with-logic, I am feeling completely lost and confused. Old patterns have resurfaced for some reason and instead of reaching out for help , we have isolated and pushed everyone away…………….trying to just hold on long enough for this to disappear somewhere into the darkness. So this year mother’s day has been hell.
Mother’s Day. I lost my mum 13 years ago no one told me she was sick and dying I never got to see nor talk to her before she passed away. I was 25 with a 2 year old who never got the chance to grow up with her. Eventhough I am a mother myself I don’t like the big deal they make about Mother’s Day either. It is all fairy fluff. Mothers Day is not a just one day every year it is 24/7 365 days of the year. It is hard work I try my hardest to be a good mum but to be honest I feel like I fail at it at least once every day. I did not get abused nor did my own children yet I also don’t see the point of celebrating without any consideration for anyone else out there who is going through grieve. Then again is it not society who tries to impose all these celebrations lilt Valentines Day, Christmas, pretend happy families , Father’s Day, etc etc
Reblogged this on Discussing Dissociation and commented:
Another Mother’s Day has come, and gone, much to the relief of many dissociative trauma survivors. All too many survivors of child abuse find Mother’s Day to be an extremely painful time and nothing near the Hallmark Card version of what moms are like. I must admit, I have a beautiful mother whom I deeply admire and honor. However, it breaks my heart to hear when others have had such painful years with their mothers, or un-mothers. Their lives have been forever impacted by the loss of a good mom….
How was your Mother’s Day this year?
Mothers day is the STUPIDEST F****NG HOLIDAY EVER INVENTED. we cannot get away from it. It makes me hate the whole #}}^*<%# WORLD and every single mother out there. If i see one more commercial with loving mothers who are there for their kids and adorable children, i am going to start throwing heavy objects at the damn tv. I want to stand in the middle of the grocery store Mothers Day card display and tear them all to shreds.
I help moderate a C-PTSD forum on facebook- and I am VERY triggered by mother’s day. My mother is a paranoid schizophrenic who abused, beat, and starved me for several years- and I cut off all contact a decade ago. She still continues to abuse other family members.
I am hoping to spend the day asleep and/or drunk…
Thank you for this post- one of our members shared it on our forum and many of us really related to what was written.
OMG it’s here again! I want a child survivors day!
Best Idea Ever! Thanks for thinking about a new holiday!
We hate mothers day more every year
Another year gone, another year older,and less time for a chance.
This year is worse than last year.
Its even more hopeless
And nothings ever going to change. Not with the inside kids, not with anyone anywhere.
Now fathers day is coming 🙁
Another tough holiday on the horizon.
I wish I had a memory of a good loving touch from my mother…just one. Is that so much to ask? But she died and there is no chance now.
This. All of this, so much. I hate Mother’s Day. It is not as bad for us as Father’s Day is, but it was still awful. I am always so, so jealous of people who have good, loving mothers and who have good relationships with their mothers. I have always wanted that. I STILL want that. But we are never, ever going to get it. 🙁
i can’t even explain how bad mothers day was. i am still barely surviving it.
This is very well sais and as of yet I have not been able to put all of my feelings and thoughts together into any form of writing. For me, Mother’s day is full of hate and anger toward my mom. Then to add to the confusion it is also traumatic because another alter has 4 children and a marriage that I am not interested in being part of. She has left me behind to be mom and wife and I am only 17. I know so many people try so hard to have kids, healthy kids, but I am not happy. I do not want kids but each day I face trying to figure out how to be a mom and not mess these kids up. I want to run away and leave but my T says I have to stay. I end up feeling like an unwanted babysitter for the kids and the marriage is abusive. I want to get out. Having Mother’s day is terrible and I hate it. Haley
Thank you, all three of you, for having the courage to write about “the rest of the story….”
It is painful, so very painful.
I hope that each of you continue to heal, and that your pain eases as gently as possible…