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*** trigger warning for dissociative trauma survivors ***
The collage and the material discussed in this blog is emotionally intense and could be triggering. Please be sure that you are in a safe place before reading further.
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Trauma survivors with dissociative identity disorder often have to live a double life. There is the public face, full of pretty smiles and general surface chatter that says “I’m fine”, “I’m doing great!”, “I had a good time”, “Nothing is wrong”, etc.
Recognize any of those kinds of cover-up phrases?
Unfortunately, all too often, looking the other side of these statements proves a very opposite reality. The person is feeling anything but “great”.
Every DID survivor I have ever met has a whole repertoire of phrases and quick answers that indicate they are doing well, that everything is ok, even when they actually are not ok. DID survivors know how to cover and hide their pain. Besides dissociating away the evidence, feelings, and awareness of the abuse from themselves, they have also developed a variety of social skills to cover and hide the depth of their confusion, upset, emotions from others.
On the other side of “I’m fine”, there are very different feelings – depression, fear, anxiety, sadness, overwhelm, emotional pain, grief, shame, anger, just to name a few. Sometimes there are flashbacks, body memories, nightmares, self-injuries, addiction issues, etc. There are often feelings related to self-injury, self-destruction, and self-hatred. Sometimes there are incidents of trauma in the current day, or domestic violence, or sexual assault, or date rape. Life can feel pretty dark.
But still, all too often, the survivor will say, “I’m fine.”
The following collage says it well.
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In case they are a little hard to read, the words on the collage are as follows:
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This can’t be happening
It’s not real
It’s not real
It’s real.
It’s really happening.
To me.
What will I say? What do I say?
I can’t breath I can’t breath
I need air.
Gravel in my hair hurts.
What will I say tomorrow?
What if I get grass stains on my dress?
I can’t breathe.
Please God help me. Please.
Please save me.
Help me
Someone help me
Someone
Anyone
Please.
Please.
PLEASE.
There’s no on
And he’s on top
And I can’t breathe
And this is hopeless
And I think
I can’t escape
God please —
I’m fine I’m fine I’m fine I’m fine I’m fine I’m fine I’m fine I’m fine
I can never tell anyone about this
What would everyone say? They’ll all be bragging
About what a good time they had tonight
I can’t say
This is the night
God abandoned me
That my soul was killed
That the world left me behind.
I had a great time, thanks. Thanks for asking.
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In this collage, notice the initial dissociative statements. “This can’t be real” indicates the need to dissociate and separate from what is happening. Even when the artist recognizes that it is really happening to her, she separates herself with the tiny “to me”.
The middle section describes a sexual assault. Some of the pain and discomfort of the abuse is included – for the most part, the details of the rape are not mentioned. However, the fears and pleas for help are included, showing the desperation felt by the woman being assaulted.
Finally, at least for a short while, the abuse has stopped.
It appears, that after the assault happens, this survivor is expected to make a social appearance at a party or a dance. The social event is supposed to be great fun, but how can a social event be fun right after having experienced a sexual trauma?
But still, the survivor says she’s fine.
- What keeps her from talking about what she just experienced?
- Do you understand why she covers and hides the abuse instead of telling others about it?
- Does this survivor remember that she was just assaulted?
- Did she build an amnesiac wall around the abuse?
- Did one insider deal with the trauma, and another insider go to the party?
- Is this survivor denying the abuse?
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Part of the healing process is connecting the reality of the situation with the truth of emotion. Chances are, this survivor does not actually feel fine at all.
What could she do now?
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By:
Kathy Broady LCSW
www.AbuseConsultants.com
Copyright © 2008-2010 Kathy Broady LCSW and Discussing Dissociation
This is jodie. I was the one who made that picture.
This event happened 33 years ago yesterday. (October 7, 1989.)
It has been on my mind a lot,
We have been having quite a few nightmares about it. About him.
I tell myself I am not trapped there anymore,
I tell myself I did get away from him. it wasnt me personally, but somehow we got away.
I remind myself that it was a very long time ago,
I know that.
Even this many years later, I still see my life divided by this.Before that night, and after that night.
I wish I knew how to make my soul know that it was a long time ago. My brain knows it. Technically we are not THAT girl anymore.
Except that I, Jodie, AM still that girl. it feels like Im still frozen in time
And I still dont know what to do with that. Im still that girl in the corn field with a messed up dressed, waiting for someone to find me, waiting for someone to notice, waiting for an outside person to come help, waiting for him to leave me alone, waiting for life to move past it. ive read so many books and watched so many therapy videos. I know what to tell myself. But in my heart, I still remain that girl who is still crying this in my head.
Holy cat, yes, that WAS triggering. But it also made us look at the truth if that makes sense.
We were ALWAYS “fine” during our childhood, we had to be, we had no other choice. Despite the abuse from our mother, when company was at our house or when we were at others houses or in public we were EXPECTED to be absolutely perfect, a well behaved obedient doll, always polite and respectful to others, always smiling and happy. Anything that deviated from those rigid expectations was to be severely punished and we knew it. How many times would we arrive home from a family outing only to go to our room to silently cry?
When the sexual abuse with the next door neighbor began we knew we couldn’t tell anyone. Again, we would return home, always immediately running to the washroom to brush the taste of him from our mouth. We felt if we told we would be blamed.
When he raped us, we couldn’t hide the pain and would hide in our room, often screaming into the pillow. Often we would have to leave our room for dinner and it was apparent that we’d been crying which would only anger our mother. “Have you been crying again? You have NOTHING to cry about. You finish your dinner and then get to your room until you get ahold of yourself!” The utter feeling of rejection and abandonment could cause us to burst into sobbing on the spot which would only make things worse.
It got even worse when the older man abused us. He would force us to drink straight liquor, so when we arrived home we would get in serious trouble. Yet again, we had no one to turn to. we can recall walking home, aching in agony from having just been raped, knowing that we’d only suffer more when we got home.
Later, during adulthood, we had become very very practiced at feigned normalcy, even while screaming inside. This actually saved us during our time in the psychiatric hospital, because we could so easily hide our pain during the cruel group therapy sessions we were forced to endure.
Even today, after all we’ve learned, we still find ourselves feigning happiness when we really shouldn’t, such as during peer support group at the wellness centre. We think it is because we feel our problems aren’t worth bothering others with.
We have actually had others notice we are in distress during such groups without our telling anyone, probably our posture and body language gives us away, and how we hold Duffy bear. “Are you ok?” We answer, “yes”, but they say, “you don’t look ok, tell us what’s happening.”
only with our therapist and crisis counselor and a couple of trusted friends do we truly feel comfortable talking about how we really feel.
Gut-wrenching to not be heard or valued….and to be SO alone….a lot of pain (physical AND emotional) for a child to endure…..it made us cry….it makes us really surprised when someone notices our “body language” and acts like they “care”….cause we thought we were doing really well to hide it all….and we thought we were “invisible” – that our “value” did not exist….So weird when the thing that you long for – to be “seen” – when it actually comes your way – you don’t know how to trust it….or even what to do with it…….
MissyMing
10/01/20
But still, the survivor says she/ he is fine.
What keeps her/ Him from talking about what she just experienced?
Threats!!!!!!
Do you understand why she/he covers and hides the abuse instead of telling others about it
For Sure! One reason could be he/she isn’t ready for the the questions, that accompany the reveal of what happen. Questioning if this persons if you said no!!!!! . Could it be a misunderstanding?? MayBe you weren’t heard!!!!!! What make you so sure you weren’t hallucinating it all!!!! With the drugs or alcohol consumption!!!!
Does this survivor remember that she/he was just assaulted?
The body remembers. The brain get flashes of thought. Then question own memory.
Did she/he build an amnesiac wall around the abuse?
The one that deals with daily task , yes!
Did one insider deal with the trauma, and another insider go to the party?
I feel you went from a singleton point of view to to a multiple view. So yes! Yes! Yes ! Yes
Is this survivor denying the abuse?
No the survivor is stuck in it for every until it’s processed . The front person can’t be in denial if they didn’t know what happened.
I find the the timing of the Facebook post, very appropriate. For what this systems going through right now. It’s helped me to think about how each one of the head mates has its own issues. But still connected with same core parts. That is why the body Visual ailments such as scars, broken bones, and bleeding shows outward. Not all physical Ailments that are seen . Like Hearing loss, colds , vision, and unseen physical pain.
MissyMing said: “…we disconnected and froze…”
That brought tears to my eyes MissyMing. I cannot cry for myself … one of the issues I am trying to deal with … but your words brought some tears welling up in my eyes. Not enough to spill down my cheeks but enough to show me that I am starting to thaw from the dissociative freeze of my life.
My insider — Little Girl — was the one who dealt with the two rapes that I endured at the hands of a family member when I was 20 years old. This individual had spent a year touching, kissing, tormenting me until one day the futility of my resistance met the reality of my fate. I remember putting my hands on the wall next to the bed praying for it to swallow me up. I was so disconnected and frozen by the second rape that my body literally felt like a giant block of unresponsive ice. I was there for most of it as Little Girl screamed over and over and over again in my head, “why is he trying to kill me?”
We have lived in the Twilight Zone all of our lives. Why would this be any different MissMing?
Kathy’s questions:
“What keeps her from talking about what she just experienced?”
Because no one listens … no one hears … no one cares.
“Do you understand why she covers and hides the abuse instead of telling others about it?”
Absolutely. The answer above. Somewhere in my subconscious were all of the death threats of my childhood. For me, that was mixed up with a whole lot of me being to blame and terror of abandonment. I was set into service for my family as a child. The price of that service was never-ending.
“Does this survivor remember that she was just assaulted?”
Yes and no. If DID … a big probably “no” to “not much”. Either way, one does not have this experience and not feel the numbness of terror and the need to not remember.
“Did she build an amnesiac wall around the abuse?”
Again, yes and no. To survive the unthinkable, you have to become one of the Walking Dead. On the outside you appear to be “normal”, functioning, maybe even happy. On the inside, you know that all life has been hollowed out and there is an empty shell masquerading as human.
“Did one insider deal with the trauma, and another insider go to the party?”
Oh that is so possible. Insiders know how to tag team through life.
“Is this survivor denying the abuse?”
No … she is just trying to stay sane.
ME+WE
04/03/20
** trigger warning **
We tried to fight him….the man in the date rape….but we were trapped….we disconnected and froze….that must mean we “wanted” the bad stuff to happen – at least that is what he told the police…and they believed him….I guess it didn’t matter that we got away afterwards and ran and ran until we could run no more….we were all Twilight Zoney….a stranger called the police when he found us in the road…but I guess they didn’t care about that part – they just got disgusted with me…that was in the days when it was ALWAYS the girl’s fault….I hope the police are different now…No wonder we just say “fine”….or “okey-dokey”……..who will “hear” us?……..
MissyMing
03/31/20
I can’t get “fine” to come out of my mouth….we say, “Okey-dokey”……”Fine” feels like a BIG lie….parts glare at me if I say that because they think I am ignoring them…..Outside people want to hear ONLY “fine”….but parts don’t like it…..So we had to come up with a different word – but Outsiders don’t get “Okey-dokey”….they look disgusted at me and say, “What! JUST ok?…not GREAT!”……I think, “Of course not great….I don’t even know what “great” feels like!”……But I can’t tell THEM that – so I say, “Okey-dokey is my way of saying ‘fine’ “….(as the parts glare at me)…..but they still don’t get it and act like I am not measuring up to what I should be…..NOW I am expected to be MORE than “fine”….I am supposed to be “GREAT”!!….I couldn’t make it to “fine”…HOW do I get to “GREAT”?…..
I just have to get away from them….they just keep messing me up…….We don’t know how to do “surface chit-chat”….We are needing to be “real” and the world just keeps wanting us to be “fake”…..
We went through a date rape, too – and we had to hide it ALL away – for years…..the police let him go because they believed him more than me….our psychiatric nurse grandmother basically said it was all our fault…never even mentioned “maybe you could use some counseling”…..We couldn’t figure out what we did “wrong” – we looked like a skinny little stick! But we still had to just stuff it all away because no one would hear us…no one believed us…..We – ourselves – would have called it our “imagination” if it wasn’t for all those blasted “flashes”…….ugh…….
MissyMing
03/31/20
When bad stuff would hapen we used to say over and over agan
It hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts
Until we culd flote up in the sky
Then we wuld say not me not me not me not me
And we wuld say Im fine Im fine Im fine
And are chants wuld help us go away
when one says I’m fine its . its mostly because that’s what people want to here. lets think about it. when you are greeted by a someone in retail, its ” Hi how are you today?’the cashier doesn’t want to hear that you are feeling bad.. you see a acquaintance on the street. the greeting is ‘Hi how have you been ?’ so we have come accustom to answering OK thank or just fine and yourself?
depending on whom I am with and whom is present. when we want to make people think or just give them a smile. (always stranger never anyone we know) when the question is ask how are you? we answer shitty how about yourself? how much time do you have? or do you really want to know? you might want to grab a chair? how much is you hourly rate? its kind of in-.powering. even though you never tell that person how you feel.
some people just do not know how to react to the words
———- says
I’m so sorry you feel trapped like a wild animal caught in a cage. I feel very, very, sad for that part of you. I have felt that way, too, in my past. I hope I can say something that can help. I do care, and I know that Kathy and all others here at DD care.
I learned when I feel lonely, it is not really “I,” it isn’t just me, it is a wounded child part inside (or many!), a little me that never got help. So many, many, people, most people, try to get their needs met from the outside. It never truly satisfies. It may work for a time. Or not. Not really. I tried. It took me a long, long, long, long, time to learn that no one was going to give me what I needed. (I did get unconditional love from 2 dogs and a cat and they maybe saved my life for awhile, while they lived, but then they all eventually died. : ( What a mess I was then! I had to work hard, hard, hard, to find a desire to keep living and to learn to be loving to myself, to be the mother I never had, for myself. Long, long, long, story short: As I practiced trying to do this (I didn’t have any role models, except from my furry-children), and learning how to do this (I am still learning and practicing), I started to find I have parts. And it was these parts that were desperate for love and attention, nurturing and caring. When I started to, little by little, give them the love and attention, nurturing and caring they always wanted and needed, they started to feel happiness and joy—I started to feel happiness and joy. Now, we know that anyone can act however they want on the outside. I don’t have to like it or have them in my life, or stick around. All I know, is when I give myself and my parts what they want and need, I/We are satisfied and feel more grateful all the time. And I am finding the magic… the more I love me and my parts… the more Source brings it to me on the outside, too. (That is slow going, but I do see positive changes.)
One more thing… we have to be ready to receive that love and attention we say we so desperately want. I know I was not ready to receive it, as much as I said I wanted it. It took a lot of work. Someone being nice… ha! I was sure they were wanting something from me! Oh! Relationships on the outside are so scary, when the relationships on the inside are all amuck! We have to take baby-steps, on the inside, first.
Some part of you knows you have the power to make a difference in your own life. That’s why you are writing here. Other parts, oh! They are in great, great, pain. 🙁 They think they don’t belong, but I disagree. I think the fact you are here, is proof you belong here. You belong. I hope something I said makes a difference.
naturluvr
6/10/18
Oh my gosh Naturluvr, I sure do hope that our anonymous fellow traveler read your posting here.
“I hope something I said makes a difference.”
Not sure if it made a difference for them but it sure did for me. My humble gratitude for your insights here.
ME+WE
06/11/18
{{ME+WE}}
I feel humbled, and glad, something I said helped you.
naturluvr
6/11/18
I feel so trapped. like a wild animal caught in a cage. if i screamed no one would hear me.
everyones so busy.
like being busy is the most important thing in the world, not people.
two famous people committed suicide this week.
maybe they didnt have anyone to listen to them either.
maybe because they smiled and pretended everything was fine.
suicide is catching.
one person does it, everyone starts thinking about it.
i know in my heart i am not meant to still be here.
when i was anorexic, peope actually talked to me. people actually noticed me. people acted sometimes like they cared.
but when your huge again like i am now, and if you plaster a fake smile on your face, no one asks.
no one notices anymore.
people just want me to be invisible.
i wanted help so bad. i wanted to be better. but its never going to happen. i will never get over what happened. no one even talks. they pretend it never happened.
but what about to me who its still happening to? when will i ever get over it when Im still trapped in this box that everyone wants to ignore?
why cant i just forget too? how will i ever get over it when no one listens or notices or even sees me anymore? i cant stand being trapped alone in this cage anymore.
Hi,
My first insider that I met lived in a cage. Eventually she came out and we made a nice safe place for her with blankets, pillows, stuffed animals and … safety, warmth and quiet solitude. She has friends with her there now. If you are going to be trapped for a while, why not try to make it at least a nice place to be. You do not have to stay there. Just find some rest there for now.
Now, you posted here so you know that there are people on the outside who are here, are listening and do care. Maybe not who you want to care for you but still you are not alone if you do not want to be. We all have a choice here. We can learn to live with the help of our friends here or we can push every one away and live the misery of our past. I choose life. I sure hope that you will join me.
ME+WE
06/09/18
Yes. This is me. At work. Now. Running a department. Known for humor, love, and a can-do attitude. But, long sleeves and pants cover fresh scars. Slumber is hard-won, and dotted with nightmares. I am largely invisible, except everybody knows me. Fuck it. Regardless, Kathy can probably see email addresses associated with posts, so can know the full extent. Good thing she’s in Australia.
this picture reminds me of how much i despise october
nobody
my niece had her first Homecoming dance last night.
she looked beautiful. and it went great.
I got raped at my first Homecoming.
i wish i was her. 🙁
I always havd to say that i am fine.
No one ever really listens anyway, so you could tell them that your going to cut your head off and people would still respond with “oh good, good!” Because they will still think you said fine. No one listens.
I wish i could get away from the nightmares about him.it still feels like yesterday.
hi. i like this blog. i feel normal here. i dont get to talk much to other people. i have to stay hidden and quiet. but i like it here cause you talk about stuff that matters. others like your posts too. thank you for writing. its really nice of you. -m
Sometimes when asked how we are, we really just wanna kick someone’s ask and tell em to eff off. Other times we want to crumble into a mush pile. Most of the time, we’re fine! Everything’s great!
There is no such thing as pain. It is only a weakness of the mind. Cut through the deepest parts of me with whatever the hell you’ve got, I won’t shed a tear. I won’t wince. I won’t even blink an eye or change my breath. Pain does not exist in this mind and if something doesn’t exist, then it just isn’t real. It’s imagination. So why not go on like normal?
I hurt when other people hurt. Others feel pain, I feel pain for them. My friend cries, I spend the night crying for her. She feels pain.
Why should she tell, who would believe her? What if this was a nice person most of the time that just got carried away? Can’t blame him really? She may have led him on all night, besides he promises never to do it again….she just looked so beautiful in that dress
but what if she didnt and she told?a friend would believe, sneak her out and take her to a hospital where she’d get checked, and the bad guy get arrested and put away for a month or so. .of course she’s forever known as that girl and is now diseased while hes the king of the hill
Tell? Are you crazy? It happens all the time, nothings going to change it…life goes on its not that big a deal. Mom lived thru it fine, grandma before her and centuries before her im sure…its just one of those things
Right! And if I told, no one would believe and what would they do then? I’ve got family to protect. …friends. ..better me than them.
this be in our dreams allot latley becus of him and what he did
and we have new memrees comeing up
it be scary and hard
he oways is in our bad dreams.
evn thowe that nite from the picsher here did be long time ago we still member evrething he did
cos it still feel like yesstreday.
Thank you Sally. Me too. If I could only trust myself I believe it would make things much easier. Thanks for reading.
IP
Inviziblepain, wow, that was really powerful. We hope that one day you are able to trust someone to help you empty the boxes so you can make room for the good feelings. 🙂
Sally and others
“I’m fine” it’s what I always say,
“your fine” is what I was always told anyway,
Being strong was my responsibility since I was a child,
Denial was taught when things got wild,
What else can you say when things are “awful” everyday?
Today I’m numb, yesterday mad,
The day before broken, before that sad,
What’s the point in telling when there’s nothing they can do,
Too late, damage done, I’m permanently black and blue,
No one can help me better than I’ve helped myself,
I hide my pain in little boxes placed nicely on the shelf,
Although the shelf is old and has begun to crack,
even though there are more pieces on the floor everytime I look back,
I try to pick them but find them secured with a lock,
So I continue to search and search for the key but still not able to talk,
Confusion, fear, I’m not here,
Alone in pain so I remain……..
“I’m fine, I’m ok” …..put the pain away,
People aren’t worth telling anyway.
Invisiblepain
To late, damage done, I’m permanently black and blue,
No one can help me better than I’ve helped myself,
I hide my pain in little boxes placed nicely on the shelf,
“I’m fine” it’s what I always say,
“your fine” is what I was always told anyway,
Being strong was my responsibility since I was a child,
Denial was taught when things got wild,
What else can you say when things are “awful” everyday?
Today I’m numb, yesterday mad,
The day before broken, before that sad,
What’s the point in telling when there’s nothing they “I’m fine” it’s what I always say,
“your fine” is what I was always told anyway,
Being strong was my responsibility since I was a child,
Denial was taught when things got wild,
What else can you say when things are “awful” everyday?
Today I’m numb, yesterday mad,
The day before broken, before that sad,
What’s the point in telling when there’s nothing they can do,
Too late, damage done, I’m permanently black and blue,
No one can help me better than I’ve helped myself,
I hide my pain in little boxes placed nicely on the shelf,
Although the shelf is old and has begun to crack,
even though there are more pieces on the floor everytime I look back,
I try to pick them but find them secured with a lock,
So I continue to search and search for the key but still not able to talk,
Confusion, fear, I’m not here,
Alone in pain so I remain……..
“I’m fine, I’m ok” …..put the pain away,
People aren’t worth telling anyway.
Invisiblepain
To late, damage done, I’m permanently black and blue,
No one can help me better than I’ve helped myself,
I hide my pain in little boxes placed nicely on the shelf,
The whole part about “this can’t be happening,” and “This is the night
God abandoned me, That my soul was killed, That the world left me behind,” I get all that along with the post about it must be me, for all these things to happen it must be something in me that attracts it. But I don’t remember any of the details, just the feeling of being ripped apart inside. Like there’s a big black wall that won’t let anything else come through, except occasional flashbacks of being chased and constant, seeping terror that I just live with, try to befriend with my yoga, therapy, etc. And I am a highly-functioning person in the world, holding myself together minute-by-minute, day-by-day. I still tell myself I must have made it up to get attention. Until I remember everything, nothing happened. I’m fine.
Hi joojemily –
Welcome to Discussing Dissociation – it’s nice to hear from you.
It is hard to get thru’ those big black walls, but if you keep working at it, you’ll be able to connect with the others on the other side of your system. Something is back there or there wouldn’t need to be a wall there in the first place.
It really is ok to remember little bits at a time. Remembering everything is going to take a lot of work. It’s possible, but it will take a lot of work. Keep at it — your healing journey is important.
Kathy
we seem to be a continuum… from “fine” to “not fine” to “terrible” to worse… but we seem to mostly be in one part or another… only sometimes can encompass the whole…
we never know how to answer the question: how are you?
which you are you asking about? the one you want to believe is me? or the one you can’t believe is me?
there is never a true answer. just the script.
what could she do now?
I have no earthly idea.
I know what I have tried.
Drugs.
Religion.
Sex.
Marriage.
Pills.
Therapy.
A survivor group.
More therapy.
But I’ve been lying in this way since I was 17 – and I’m really smooth at saying “Good and how are you?” after 28 years.
But I’m afraid I’ll go to my grave and this little one inside will still be sad and afraid, never safe, never loved. It’s a grim outcome.
to be fine means i can be a mask. if i’m not fine, it means i’m “seen”. to be seen usually means i’m in trouble, i’m taking up space, or i’m having emotions which aren’t ok. at least i am no longer invisible. but i still don’t like to be *noticed* taking up space. to be not-fine means i’d have to stand up against the parental unit and tell her i supposedly have a life and she’s not allowed in it, and that my time and my “me” are “important” and she doesn’t just get to make demands of me.
that is… scary? odd? certainly new, strange, uncomfortable. i guess i’m at 20% of starting to say “i can’t do this for you because….” and not fill in the blank. it means nothing to her to say i’m not fine, or well. or that i am tired, struggling, an emotional wreck. i don’t get to be those things. i am her chauffer, “confidant”, “friend”, “daughter”, slave, servant, her “piece of clay”… but not fine to say i’m not fine.
Wow I can relate to this post A LOT! I think I am fine throughout the week and I go to therapy and BOOM these sad feelings come out and I have this deeply depressed layer underneath and I am like.. WHAT IS THIS??? Am I just being melodramatic? Maybe some trust is being built up so the underneath feelings come purging out, I don’t know but it always surprises me the depth of hurt and the weird crying behind my eyes feeling.. feeling like someone wants to cry but doesn’t come out to do it.
I know the I AM FINE is a coping mechanism I use a lot. All hell is breaking loose and I go outside and garden and distract myself from whatever is stirred up. At night, I purposely busy my mind contemplating landscaping changes to keep icky thoughts and anxieity away. Or try to keep the ick away anyway.It is like I am a perpetual virtual reality gardener, out of necessity. If I let myself look at or feel everything it is too much so I purposely distract myself from my feelings and I am so used to doing it that
I can’t tell when I am doing it and when I am not anymore. So yeah can I relate to I am fine!
Mybe she says shes fine because nobody wants to hear her say anything other than that – maybe she says shes fine because thats what everyone tells her to say so she can “fake it till she makes it” maybe everytime she says shes fine she hates herself even more and pushes everyone else around her away so she can be alone – because when she’s all alone even though it doesnt feel too good – she doesnt have to hold all the hurt and sad and mad and hate in anymore because she can have her feelings and nobody tells her what to feel anymore – maybe she says shes fine because she hasnt found the fool proof way to kick everyone out of her life yet – maybe she says shes fine because when the day comes that she locks herself in her house and throws away the key – nobody would have been expecting her to because she was always “fine” – maybe when she says shes fine in her head she is secretrly saying “go away stop hurting me I hate you leave me alone” and screaming at the whole world to eff off so they can not hurt her anymore by telling her to fake it till she makes it because maybe they didnt realize that – that was what they all taught her to do to keep the secrets inside. maybe the people that tell her to always say she is fine dont realize that they are triggering her like crazy and making it hard for her to distinguish them from the abusers. ????????????
just maybe….
have heard that too–
just looking for attention
and you’re just too sensitive
and over active imagination
as well as
you’re just crazy
no one will believe you
We cannot talk about what happened because the parents will say we made it all up. We are only trying to get attention. We are too sensitive. We have an over-active imagination. They are upstanding citizens in the community and we are just a child. Who’s going to believe us?
We cannot do anything about what happened because the father is friends with the police and they believe him not us. They will find us if we run away. They will threaten us if we accuse the parents.
We cannot feel anything about what happened because we will get punished further if we are anything less than perfect in public. If we are not “good enough” at the grocery story, it will mean another beating. If we are not happy enough at the park, it will mean a beating as soon as we get to the car. If we even hint to anyone that something is wrong, the parents will punish us and then discredit those to whom we hinted.
We cannot believe anything about what happened because it wasn’t just the parents. It was a babysitter and a daycare provider and a neighbor at different times. It was a teacher at church, another teacher at school.
It didn’t happen, because this many bad things can’t possibly happen to one person. It can’t be them; it has to be me.
There is no one safe to tell, no place to go, nothing to do, nothing to believe. There is nothing. There is nothing. Until it is true.
“So I think maybe I am asking a similar question as you. If that is how it was then…. can it be different now? Can survivors NOT always be fine? Are there people to tell, and places to go, and help to get? Is there a place where you can be honest and open about how NOT fine you actually are?”
i dunno… i don’t think so.
@_@
We have that place – but after a while I feel guilty for always being -not- fine and always being the one whos drowning – so I go back to being “fine” again because I get scared that everyone will get fed up with me just like I do. — the catch 22 is — I feel guilty when I’m not fine… but I feel guilty, selfish, and ashamed when I finally feel good.. like today I felt safe and understood and loved and so cared for — all the way to the bone feeling good… then when I looked around me and realized I had stuff that needed to be done – I felt guilty, ashamed, and selfish for letting myself feel good — I know I dont have to feel those things for feeling good anymore.. but the feelings are still there whether or not they need to be anymore — they are 🙁
sorry didnt mean to go off subject – been trying to figure this one out for a while… its so confusing for me… the emotions thing and the concept of the words “good” and “happy” — it’s confusing how they’re not the same thing as numb or autopilot…. but then when I feel like I have today its not confusing… it’s filled with shame. :-
Sally
maybe she has to say that she feels fine because SHE was the one who was all dressed up… the beautiful dress, the makeup, the hairdo… SHE was the one who wanted to look pretty, she was the one who wanted to be attractive and even wore the stupid dress in the first place, and so how can she blame him for what happened? how can it be his fault? when she was trying to make herself attractive in the first place? of course he couldn’t keep his hands off her. she was wearing the dress. the one with the blood stains that proved her guilt that had to hide in the closet. maybe she feels dead inside like that old dead tree that’s in the background of the picture. what could she do? especially when there is no one to tell?
I apologise for my previous comment. I think I got a little triggered there. I wanted to delete it, but I don’t know how!
identity – not to worry – it’s understandable that this article is triggering. (I thought it might be – that’s why I put up that trigger warning on the top.) But it’s ok – I’m not upset by your comment. I think the whole scenario is intense, and probably very common for a lot of DID survivors – which is why I posted about it. As far as I know, it is true that too many survivors had to pretend to be fine right after being hurt. Or switched to become “fine in public” or however it worked. I think a lot of that could be because they were too frightened to say otherwise, or they did not know where to find help, or they felt trapped in complicated circumstances, etc.
So I think maybe I am asking a similar question as you. If that is how it was then…. can it be different now? Can survivors NOT always be fine? Are there people to tell, and places to go, and help to get? Is there a place where you can be honest and open about how NOT fine you actually are?
I hope so —
Sending warm thoughts your way –
Kathy
I hate this post! This is so typical of t.
You ask so many questions so that we should admit we are NOT fine,
So I admit I’m not fine… most of the time.. I’m not fine!!!!!
What now??
But I’m fine, thanx for asking!
Maaybe she said I’m fine because she knew she wasnt like them she had scary hurtful secrets that they coudnt understand and would not want to be around her because it would scare them cause they dont like thinking about bad things like that but she has to because it happened to her maybe she still wants friends in her life but knows they will not be able to help her or look at her same or deal with their scared feelings to be the same good friend and maybe saying she is fine all the time is making her feel alone and scared and run away because nobody knows her anymore and nobody knows how to find her when she is in trouble because she has to lie all the time noe to keep the secrets far away from them so they acn still be friends maybe she feels guilty and scared and mad at her saelf for not being able to be fine like they say she should be even though she said she is fine so maybe she lies and says she is fine even when everyeone knows she is lying to make them see that she is not human anymore because she has too many bad person secrets and they will take over her friends if she tells them and they are strangling her inside so she can not breathe maybe she says she feels fine because there is no other answer to give them that is the only answer to keep everybody safe
Shakey & have a stomach ache & dizzy after reading this– next time I’m going to heed the trigger warning better. Lots of flashbacks here.
Maybe this person never felt fine.
Maybe she knew she had to put on an act. And thats why she can’t talk about it.
Maybe she put a fake smile on her face and carried on, even though she knew what just happened to her, and realized that she would never be the same again… and she was now separate from the rest of her friends, the rest of the girls in the world, because of what just happened to her.
Maybe she could go home, and try to wash the blood off her dress, and hide it in the back of the closet… and try to forget, even though she knew it was just going to happen again.
Maybe she felt ruined.
Maybe she went back to school on Monday and kept telling everyone she was fine, and never forgot her ruined dress in the closet, or the look on his face, or the feeling of being held down and the gravel in her hair. Maybe she knew she had a duty to always look fine, even if it killed her. Maybe she will keep crying tears of blood because the only words over her mouth & that can come out of her mouth are I’M FINE.
sorry…you dont have to publish this comment.
jo
keep secret wee gotts keep secret no tell no tell they happy they got stay happy no go away from scarys no leave got keep secrets noww! no talk that why no talk no talk no talk no talk no talk shhhh no talk scary are scary make people leave no scarys