Hi,
This is Easter weekend.
For DID trauma survivors with a ritual abuse (RA) background, this is a very difficult weekend, full of difficult memories, painful emotions, and system conflicts.
*** I’m going to speak of some of the horrors of ritual abuse – here is your trigger warning – for those of you that need one of those. ***
With ritual abuse, anything that represented something positive in the Christian faith would have been turned into something dangerous and harmful in the dark worlds. The good would have been twisted into evil. The light would have been made dark. Distortions, perversions, confusion, pain, violence, and chaos would have been celebrated.
Opposites are taught – white becomes black. The day-world church is very distinctly different and opposite from the night-world church.
Children should never ever be exposed to the level of sadistic violence that occurs in ritualistic ceremonies. It is wrong for this to happen.
Children should never ever be forced to participate in the outrageous activities and horrendous practices of the dark night ritualistic world. It is wrong for this to happen.
If you were forced to participate in sadistic ritualistic activities, my heart goes out to you. You’ve seen some of the worst of the worst that happens in this world. It is not ok that anyone hurt you like that.
If you were ritually abused, you would have been painfully traumatized, emotionally tortured, sexually assaulted, and physically beaten.
These are horrible crimes.
It was wrong for anyone to do this to you. It was wrong if your parents did this to you. It was wrong if strangers did this to you. It was wrong if friends or neighbors did this to you. It is wrong, criminally wrong, for any and all children to be forced to participate in these kinds of activities in any way, shape, or form.
You did not deserve that kind of treatment.
(Don’t believe lies that say otherwise.)
You were not born to live in the darkness.
(Don’t believe lies that say otherwise.)
You were not destined to belong to evil.
(Don’t believe lies that say otherwise.)
You are not the child of Satan.
(Don’t believe lies that say otherwise.)
You do not have to live your life chained to this darkness.
(Don’t believe lies that say otherwise.)
It is okay and important to get healing from any kind of ritualistic abuse that has happened in your life. RA is gory and violent, it’s controlling and demanding, it’s hateful and sadistic, but it does not have to define who you are. You do not have to stay connected to anyone or anything that pushes you into that direction.
You can separate from those people, places, organizations, and become your own true, genuine self.
You can make your own decisions for what you believe in, and for what kind of life you want to have. You don’t have to be involved in a RA lifestyle if you don’t want to. You don’t have to go to any more RA gatherings, and you don’t have to be one of them.
Your abusers would have told you otherwise, but now that you are an adult, you can decide for yourself. You can think on your own, and you don’t have to be bullied any more.
You can be your own self, with your own life. You can develop your own values, beliefs, and preferences. You don’t have to like the things you were told to like – you can decide for yourself what it is that you like. You don’t have to want the things you were told to want – you can decide that for yourself as well.
You don’t have to be one of them. You can have a life full of kindness, gentleness, compassion, empathy instead. You don’t have to prefer violence and hatred. You can be different from that.
If you have Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID / MPD), be sure to let the parts who were ritually abused to experience some of the more positive things in your life. They might initially say they aren’t interested (I’m guessing they were taught to say that), but if you encourage them to experience some of the positive things in your life, you can help to bring healing to them too. Don’t leave them stuck in their traumatic history – help them to heal and to have a chance to live in a safe, positive, warm place.
All the parts of you can heal from the atrocities of ritual abuse.
But for that to happen, you will need to be willing to introduce the light of the day-world to those parts that were split off into the world of darkness.
Invite the parts used to the dark to actively participate in your day-world. Let them have a cup of coffee or your favorite soda. Let them sit outside in the sun. Let them listen to some of your favorite music, or watch television, or walk the dogs in the park. Let the have a turn at your favorite computer game, and to nibble on your favorite treats and munchies.
The dark-side parts will need to experience some of what your world is like in order to understand how it can be better for them. Be gentle with them. Slowly show them the things that you like.
It might feel scary to interact with these parts, but keeping them separated from you only keeps them stuck in the darkness they have known. With the help of your therapist, let those parts become more connected to your personal worlds where they can learn about kindness, gentleness, peace of mind, etc.
Build up your courage and ability to listen to them. Comfort them from the hurts they have experienced. Help them to get out of those places that have been so violent.
Separate yourself from anyone in the outside world that wants you to stay in the darkness. Firmly reclaim all your insiders as parts of you that belong with you, and not to anyone else. Work very hard to not leave any of your parts left stuck in such violence. Have the courage to pull them all out into a life of safety.
Your whole system can have the life that you want. Don’t let any of them stay stuck in the yuck of the past.
Let them experience the goodness and joy that can be part of Easter.
I wish your WHOLE system the best in your healing journey.
Warmly,
Kathy
Copyright © 2008-2018 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
This weekend been a ok weekend . Social distancing has made it a positive weekend. We didn’t have to travel to see a family that has a strong Catholic faith.
It was nice not to feel the need, to be faithful to the rituals that was thought to me.
I did not need to worry about being punished for if the body step into. A church. We are prayers to God we’re forgetting in my world. It was nice to worry about there I was being watched and following the rules. It was nice not to hassle my other head mates. With reminders of the do’s and don’t . It was nice not to have the echoes of screams from the words within.
(*** will post triggers***)
Hey ME+WE,
The response came from my toes.
It is as raw as possible and i’ve tried to be of best resource/help for JP…and those who needed it as well.
Easter is such a big event it’s hard to overcome the impact it holds.
I’ve been plagued by so many intrusive flashbacks life got difficult again.
How can you explain that the b*rn*ng m*n and h*m*n s*cr*f*c* is connected to the Easter time?!?
It holds so much pain and fear it’s hard to truely tell about what we’ve witnessed.
The pain that comes from similar experiences is so difficult to cope giving up might seem to be “the best” option.
Greetings,
Selah
Oh wow Selah … that was such a gut wrenchingly courageous, compassionate and sensitive posting. You have spoken with such raw emotion and wisdom born from pain that I am in awe of your resilience and positive attitude. Thank you for sharing with JP and, hence, us all. So wonderful to hear your voice here.
With sincere regard,
ME+WE
04/03/2018
Hi JP,(i will post triggers…be careful if you’re an SRA survivor)
I have been involved in the SRA stuff.
And have had a very difficult weekend cause of it, but i do want to share something with you.
You say “You weren’t there. You can’t know” towards Kathy Broady.
Tell me if i’m wrong, but does your “you weren’t there, you can’t know” actually means you feel as if you where born to be abused, tortured and neglected on various levels?
Cause that is what i’ve been told for many, many years by my abusers.
At the same time they told me they loved me and this got me into a huge conflict of both loyalty and despice/fear.
The fact they told us they did what was best for us doesn’t mean it’s right.
When someone is harmed in any way it means it’s not the “best” way to treat someone.
Although when someone is completly psychotic or suïcidal it can be of need to isolate someone and treat them in order to counter the psychosis or suïcidal behaviour.
It’s a fight to escape from the SRA past/present, because right is wrong and wrong is right in the SRA world and when someone who hurts you so badly you need to split up to save yourself you get mixed messages that messes your thought process up even more.
Eventhough there will be days, weeks and months in which you seem to be overwhelmed, scared to d**** and/or having so much internal conflicts live on the day side still is worth it.
You are worth it, because no one, not a single soul is supposed to be abused, tortured or threatened in any way.
Seek confirmation in those who do support you and ask them how they think about how they feel about someone and if they’re made to be tortured or abused.
I bet they will tell you no one is made to be abused in any way.
The fact that they told us the many, many sinister things that completely messed our though process up, caused us to fear every single thing and to believe we are there to be abused doesn’t mean it’s true what they’ve said.
Being told that pain is a good thing and love and other pleasant things are evil doesn’t mean they really are.
This is called gaslighting which is a term for mental abuses which is deliberatly telling people mixed up/false information so the victim is doubting itself, their thought process and their identity.
I’ve been told soooo many times i was wrong, i was weird, i didn’t see it right.
My dad only had two rules in his household; one is i’m right and the second is when i’m not right…i’m still right.
It basically meant(means) we weren’t/aren’t supposed to tell him otherwise…not even when a newsfeed or dictionary tells him otherwise…He still is right and i’m wrong.
This together with the SRA stuff that told me i was wrong and i shouldn’t speak about what happened…all causes me to doubt myself to this day.
It still makes me think that if someone doesn’t respond enthausiastic i do something wrong.
It’s always my fault when something goes wrong, eventhough..in communication things just go wrong cause we all have our struggles and we all have our own minds that can just be out of sync for eachothers story because someone is daydreaming or thinking about something.
The voices in our heads are so loud at times that it is hard to refer these messages to the place they need to be.
The fact that there are messages from the past doesn’t always mean they’re true.
It’s a good time to focus on the messages and find out(with a therapist of a good friend who helps you cope…cause alone dealing with DID is a very difficult thing) what is right about these messages and what is wrong about it.
When messages tell you you’re worthless write down what you’re good at and score it with a number for measuring.
Then next…write down what why they say that you’re bad at and write that down while measuring it also.
Then look at the differences and ask a friend to do the same with your good traits and he/she can even give you a grade for each of the good traits you possess.
Even people without trauma have good and bad traits, but no one is worthless nor there to be abused in any way.
The fact they told us we where doesn’t say we are to be abused.
Live is about making the best out of it and trying to cope what comes your way.
Don’t give up JP!
Keep on fighting cause you’re worth it to be taken good care of, to be loved and to feel safe.
We never knew what passover or le lent or any of the above world holidays were just the undeeground ones thats why we love doing headstands its free to not be tied down
We have struggled with pictures from this time of year. All of our previous therapist have trested easter like it is an hour ceremony but it isnt it is 6 week lead up to 3 days of awful stuff and then a week of what we call cementing the memories by keeping us locked up and reliving it with no one there. We have never been able to get through the pictures they are hard. You arenot the first to say those encouraging words that they are wrong, but we sense a sincerity with your words we have never felt. Of course dont understand why they would lie to us, what did we do yo deserve it and maybe we will never know. We have battled with therapists that our pictures are lies but we dont lie, we cant lie you have to have continuity to remember the lie – we cant even chew gum. With you there is no battle it did – it was wrong – we are believed and that helps us believe. Half the fear is we wont be believed cause they told us that and there would be no help for the likes of us. We hate these pictures but we arent alone anymore. the beauty of having gaps we can have an easter egg hunt someone sets up that still is a surprise to parts that need it. When we kids get to come out free from being condemned for being its like being alive finally. As hard as it is knowing and talking about it and being called evil and demons and if you can hear it and you can wade through that scary darkness to bring light to those of us with your words then we can continue the struggle to break free and break down our walls. Hope we are making some sense
Hi. I don’t know if anyone comes here to read and talk anymore. No one writing since 2013. If anyone is here, my name is Terri. I’m 11. I just told our therapist what the bad people made me do on passover and crucifixion day. It was scary to tell but the therapist believed me and said it wasn’t my fault. The bad people said that master NATAS will come get me and kill me if I ever told. I’m scared since I told. My bigs said that I’m safe and nothing bad will happen to me like that again but I’m still scared. I’m scared of master NATAS. I don’t want him to take me or kill me for telling about what the disciples of master NATAS made me do. I don’t want to die.
Terri
Hi Terri,
Thanks for writing. I know lots of folks are reading here still — but it’s great to hear from someone new.
I agree with your therapist — that stuff was not your fault, and it is okay that you were able to tell. Those creepy scary guys were not nice, and they said a bunch of yucky stuff that you don’t have to listen to anymore. They said all that to be mean and vicious and bossy, and no, you don’t have to believe any of it. It’s good to get far far away from yucky people who are mean like that.
It sounds like your therapist is being very kind and helpful. I’d say to keep listening to her now.
I hope you feel better soon.
Warmly,
Kathy
getting out 🙁 that means telling someone about it 🙁 SO he understands – but what if T doesn’t believe? 🙁 We can’t take anyone else call us a stupid liar :'( the memories are getting worse – they spewed out in T
We know it’s time to break the silence but we dont want to be called stupid liars again 🙁
Dont call me ma’am. What 17 year old boys you know like to be called ma’am?? And i still say youre full of shit
Theres not relly a way out.
I disagree with you, Pilgrim.
It takes a lot of hard work, a lot of gut-wrenching honesty, and a whole truckload of new choices.
And it means leaving or separating from people who have played a significant role in your life.
Not every survivor of severe Ritual Abuse is willing to make those hard decisions, but yes ma’am, getting out is a definite option.
I know it is.
Kathy
Reblogged this on Discussing Dissociation and commented:
Hello Everyone,
It’s a holiday weekend again, and I wanted you to know I was thinking of you.
Please stay safe.
Warmly,
Kathy
3 years later, in the midst of lent. And it is getting worse every year. Not sure it`ll ever be “ok”. Losing time, bad things happening, over and over again. Then easter will happen again.
Cnt ever be good, ever. I am evil inside, even if I try to be `good`/`normal`, I know what I was born for and don`t wanna accept it. Keep reading/being told that acceptance is key. just wanna be safe, feel safe and to stop having to hide.
we be sad too, pilgrim. but we used to ppl leaving. so oh weel. sad to lose such a person and trying to be glad to have had her posts for a lil while and now *poof*. gone. like evereyone else. *shrug*.
we like u tho pilgrim and hope u be ok even withougt the nice person leader kathy lady. *sigh*.
be well friend.
I’m still here…. 🙂
Just haven’t been writing much, obviously, but I’m still here.
Kathy
hi kathy you heer that gud it scary kathy it so scary you heer that meen you stil ok you still heer just hav kwiet tim but stil heer that gud thank you for say stil heer kathy that gud 🙂
Yep, 🙂
I am still here. I am ok. I have been really really busy with some things, but I am ok.
Not to worry…. and I hope things get less scary for you soon.
so many wunt to beleev so many
so many wunt to beleev
it not so easy kathy
it so hard beleev bcuz now liers say that truthers are liers and liers are truthers
so many wunt to beleev you kathy so many
but it not so easy
who is truthers and who is liers
we not now who beleev and not wunt get in trouble eether
it scary kathy scary easter over heer but stil for us tim for othur stuff
lots of seekrits lots of thim evrywer
so many wunt to beleev kathy so many
i don no if you still red thes enemor kafy
but it be easter agan
do there be a way out
we don no
thats verey hard to belev
thank you Kathy for taking this risk
you are very brave
WintersKeeper
Thank you for the compassionate comments and encouragement.
Good to hear you are on your 8th year. Go you! : )
Ravin
Hey Kathy,
Yes to both. It was a rough night, and lots of things got deleted and changed and generally were all out of whack, but me JP, yes I definitely believe that. I don’t completely understand it because things got a little jerked around in my head but faith, yeah, sometimes it’s the ONLY thing that keeps me alive at all. Even if it’s a needle point in the black and sometimes it’s just a memory of hope. And no I don’t know how that happened. I don’t know how I got to be someone who loves and tries so hard. I don’t know how I got to be someone who gets up after being knocked down over and again, and says “I will choose to love today, I will choose to try again.” There are a lot of things I need to figure out but that one I don’t think so, because that one makes me, me. That one is the strand that holds us all even as mixed up as it all is, even if that strand is cut up, it’s still there. I’m working to put it all back together again.
I’m sorry one (or more) of my kiddos was so upset here. I’m fairly certain of who was here. It was a flash of pain, to be sure. Made me cry. I seem to be getting really good at crying.
From my perspective anyway, even though it was hard to read, I’m glad you’ll tell the truth, because most people just deny this even happens. It’s all going to take some time. Thank YOU for your bravery. Silence can kill any hope for change.
Kiacat,
Yes, I do think that even though so many of us are scattered far and wide, that we can make a difference in our own and each other’s recovery by focusing on the light side and its many gifts.
We can also support one another in our struggles against the pull of the dark, and the memories within it.
Stay Strong,
Winter’s Keeper
blech
Thank you for writing this. It nearly made me cry, just to see- someone who hasn’t been there saying these kind of things. My therapist says them, to me (though due to circumstances I’ve only been mostly able to do phone sessions this last year, which makes things way harder) but- it’s not the same.
Winter’s Keeper, congratulations on your “8 year chip” – that is quite an accomplishment. I think it is a rather accurate analogy to compare to D/A sobriety. Come to think on it, that might actually help my own system to utilize that idea.
Courage today – maybe the strenght of all our many minds throughtout the world can be stronger than what we’ve all faced – we can all face it together today even while we are separate.
Light!
Kathy,
I still sometimes struggle around holidays, and this is one of the hardest for me. So imagine how comforting it has been to come to the blog and read your post on the very issue that I’m losing sleep over. Thanks so much for being willing to write about this very controversial topic. I’m so relieved that there are people out there (other than those of us who experienced this) who know that it is real and ongoing, and aren’t too afraid to put it out there.
Tonight I am also grateful for the fact that although I am restless and anxious, it is after midnight on Easter morning and I am here safe at my computer, and not you-know-where doing you-know-what. Sometimes I think it must be kind of like being in recovery from an addiction, where you have these awful times where you recall using, and feel agitated, but stick to your recovery plan to avoid relapse. Using that model, I’d be due for my eight year chip 🙂
Winter’s Keeper
Winters Keeper,
Congratulations on your 8-yrs of safety and freedom!! That is EXCELLENT!!!!
That is the most inspirational story and your gentle, compassionate comments prove that your healing really is happening.
Thank you so very very much for being an active participant of this blog. You add so much to the discussion and you give hope to those that are still in the middle of their battles.
You are proof it can happen. Well done.
Kathy
Ravin,
I often wish there were a way to erase the memories too. Our backgrounds are very very similar.
You are courageous in your fight to break your connections with “them”. It is such a very difficult and painful struggle.
Just know that I am here wishing you strength and courage for your continuing battle. It seems you are well on your way to winning it.
Be Safe,
Winter’s Keeper
Lots of us inside keep trying to tell our kids and babies those things. But they dont believe us. Our good safe love people tell them too but they just agree and not believe cause they say its not possible. 🙁 Our body person not wants to believe that it happened. She said that we didn’t go through that. 🙁 That makes us sad 🙁
Brittany
…and how quickly i forget… between equinox that you’d brought this to our awareness, Kathy, to now…
anxiety been greatly heightened to panic attacks- tried to get help and everywhere i turned, i could not get it. ended up in the ER.
this morning had a very bad nightmare of the SA with the parent. caused so very much body pain. the body relived while the mind let him off the hook.
exhaustion today is huge, but the ER gave a few benzos that sort of helped with the panic.
brunch tomorrow with the mother… haven’t built up enough boundaries yet to say no. one day i will reclaim this day for me/us. it is closer.
thank you for posting about this — and including a trigger warning.
kiyacat
KB
As the day approaches the anxiety rises. Folks in the system that endured this abuse or were part of it’s perpetration begin to flow into the past roles. The flash backs intensify for those involved and the disruption builds for the rest of us.
For years we thought having converted to a new religion would tone all this down, but we were wrong. Everywhere around us Easter is apparent and sets the return scripts anew. What has happened with years of work is a softening of the magnetism of belonging to “them.”
No parent should ever do this to their child or let others. Yes, we are working to make this our life and year after year we chip away at what was done and the aftermath. There are no memory erasures and that means finding a way to live with what was done to us, not an easy thing. We struggle.
Some of those who were used and abused thru RA have moved away from those ties and entered the world now. It’s cool to see how hard they worked. It’s a bit like a domino effect or piggy backing to the next person. It’s those out helping the others out.
One of the really hard things for us as a system was the fact that SRA was used as a cover up for the MC experiments that went on behind. Our abuse has so many levels and layers that interconnect with ritualized abuse that was done to us. Which is something we keep stressing to those who were directly abused, that it was done to them, they were not the responsible party.
We make it thru these times by sheer brute force, we hold onto ourselves for the ride and breath a sigh when the days pass.
It’s good to see this talked about openly.
Ravin
kafy how do you no for sher? these things? who tell you? how do you no if it be the trueth.
did god tell you? do god be yor frend?
i do want to belef you not the bad pepol i promis
I am a Buddhist but my primary perp and horrid mother were. I was Buddhist as a kid. Now that you write this I can see that the abuse did really ramp up around Christmas and Easter. It’s not really RA if you’re not a part of the terrible religious aspects of the abuse. But the behaviors are the same. Hum, think I had better put this away for now….
we don’t believe any single thing you said of those five. not one of them. you weren’t there. you can’t know.
You’re right, JP.
I wasn’t there.
I have never ever been to a cult meeting or any kind of RA gathering. I have not participated in any level of dark worship. Nor will I. I stand for the opposite of all that dark world stuff.
And JP and pilgrimchild –
As you can see in my next blog article, even if I haven’t been there, I can still have the faith to believe that good can trump evil. I still know that and I know that and I know that. I do not believe that evil has more power than good.
So no, I wasn’t there at the time when you were being abused. I have not witnessed anyone being abused on that level. But I do believe that that kind of abuse happens to people. I believe that far too many innocent children have been hurt this way. I believe that far too many adults are trapped in this lifestyle, even if they don’t want to be.
And I believe there is a way out of all that. That’s why I say those five things.
And you don’t have to believe me. It’s important for you to figure that out for yourself. It doesn’t matter so much if I believe it or if you believe me. It matters more whether you believe it.
Do you believe there is a way out ????
Do you believe that good can trump evil???
Littles said Thank You.
So much of what you said about how scary Easter can be is the same for me with Xmas and Thanksgiving and practically all “official” holidays. I’m not so sure if we went through RA… but insiders say otherwise…
Dots are connecting … 🙁
They’re connecting to form an answer I’m not so sure I necesarily want to see… 🙁 (just being honest)
Sorry
I dont like holidays 🙁 🙁
Sally