The advertising for General Hospital’s segment on teen violence / teen dating abuse** caught my attention. I decided I would check out this “Must See Week!” since the topic is such an important one, especially after all the media coverage of the Chris Brown / Rhianna abusive incident. Today’s teenagers do need to know about domestic violence issues, and I was hoping that General Hospital would do the topic right.
I realize the show is still working through this significant topic, but it certainly got off to a rough start.
In my opinion, it is absolutely ridiculous to start this series with a false allegation / false accusation.
I realize that many teens, and for that matter, many adults too, will be afraid to speak up against their attacker. That’s understandable, and in many cases, getting the victim quietly away from the abuse is the primary goal. It can be very dangerous and frightening to stand up against abusers, it can feel threatening to file criminal charges, and while I support and applaud the few that have the courage to do so, it is not in the best interest’s of everyone to go this route. That’s ok – each and every situation should be evaluated on its own – and it is important to first and foremost figure out what is the very best option for that particular trauma survivor.
But if any survivor of violence is going to officially accuse someone, it is critically important that they not lie about who their abuser is.
Kristina’s character 
in General Hospital knew exactly who attacked her. She knew exactly who beat her up. She knew exactly who to hold accountable for her abuse.
However, she chose to lie and purposefully blamed the wrong person. Not because she was scared of her attacker, but because she was being vindictive and spiteful towards the man she accused. Her feelings were hurt, because she felt rejected by this man, so she is simply “getting him back” for hurting her feelings.
But did he violently abuse and attack her? No.
Does he deserve being lied about in this way? Absolutely not.
Did she do the right thing by accusing and blaming the wrong person? Not in any way, shape, or form.
Of course, Kristina is protecting her abuser-boyfriend from the obvious wrath of her mobster father, and yes, in that sense, victims of abuse often protect their abusers from potential harm. Many women will go to great lengths to protect their abusive partners, and that dynamic is very common. Many survivors are deeply attached to their perpetrators. They are willing to deny or overlook serious personal harm, and they could be experiencing something called Stockholm Syndrome. This is a complicated topic, and is an important issue to understand when working with survivors.
But to lie and accuse the wrong person? How is that going to help?
That is the kind of insanity that gives all survivors of abuse a bad name.
And what’s even worse, as seen in this situation on General Hospital, i
s that the man that Kristina blamed for her attack was the first person who tried to help her after she was viciously beaten by the real abuser. He was kind enough to stop for her, he went out of his way to take her to the hospital, he genuinely cared that she was injured and tried to get immediate help for her, and she repaid his kindness by pointing her finger at him in purposeful false accusation. He did a very good thing for her, and yet she turned on him.
Unfortunately, this is not uncommon.
There are survivors out there, including dissociative trauma survivors, who would rather accuse and blame their helpers instead of having the courage to address the real abusers in their livers.
There are trauma survivors out there who are willing to flat out lie about who hurt them.
There are trauma survivors who will purposefully accuse the wrong person in order to protect another loved one.
This is not okay. It’s not okay at all. It’s not ok for the survivor or for the person they falsely accuse.
If you are a trauma survivor, and you are too scared or too unwilling to address your real perpetrator, then at the very least, have the self-respect and the decency to “plead the fifth” instead of making up something about someone else.
Don’t embarrass yourself by becoming a liar and accusing the wrong person.
Don’t ruin someone else’s life because you are not willing to be honest.
Don’t shame the survivor community and put other survivors at risk of being stigmatized as unreliable witnesses, or too crazy to know the truth, because they are being judged by the example you set.
Survivors who falsely accuse anyone of being an agent in their trauma cause genuine harm to the entire survivor community.
Accusing the wrong person is not going to help your healing. In fact, it will set you back. It may cause additional guilt, shame, and self-hatred, and it will never bring the peace of mind or resolution that comes when someone addresses their issues accurately. In fact, knowingly making false allegations puts the accuser into the category of being an abuser themselves because their lies will bring undeserved harm to another person. So if it hurts you, and it hurts others, where all that hurt could easily be avoided, then why make that choice?
If you are a trauma survivor and you are considering making an official statement against someone else as an abuser, it is important to be completely honest with yourself, and closely evaluate if you are ready to take on such a huge emotional task, especially if you are still mid-treatment.
Before making accusations against anyone, you will need to be far enough along in the treatment of your dissociative disorder to be completely sure of what you are saying. You will need to be aware of any bouts of amnesia, time distortion issues, time confusion issues, lack of internal communication, unresolved or unrecognized transference issues, tendencies to project blame, externalizing responsibility, hidden anger, displaced anger, etc.
If you are early in your treatment years, stay focused on your treatment. Put your healing time, energy, and resources into your healing and your internal system. Wasting time going after “the bad guys” will not help you or your insiders. It will distract you from getting the depth of healing you will need in order to be a strong and accurate witness against those who legitimately abused you.
Hopefully, Kristina on General Hospital will make amends for having falsely accused the wrong person. Hopefully, she will have the courage and the decency to correct the wrongs that she has done. If not, she’s not much different from the guy who beat her up.
Warmly,
Kathy
** Austin-based Loveisrespect, National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline (NTDAH) is acting as an expert advisor on the General Hospital storyline.
Kristina, the 16 year old daughter of mob leader Sonny Corinthos (Emmy-winner Maurice Benard) and District Attorney Alexis Davis (Emmy-winner Nancy Lee Grahn) will experience what teens are experiencing in real life and be confused by the roller coaster relationship.
Loveisrespect, NTDAH is a safe, anonymous resource for teens who seek information about healthy dating relationships. Teens may connect via phone or chat with peer advocates who are trained to respond to their concerns.
The Helpline is a place for teens to go to check out their feelings and to learn the red flags of an unhealthy relationship. Available 24/7, the Helpline also provides resources to parents, teachers and friends of teens.
http://www.soapbox1.com/general-hospital/gh-tackles-teen-dating-abuse-storyline/
Copyright © 2008-2018 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
I struggle a great deal about the pieces I can’t clearly put a face to. I struggle with the possibility that it is my imagination. I thank the universe for the absolute memories I do have of other abusers. But how can one recognise the truth vs. the speculation, nightmares, thoughts?
that should have been quarter century* not decade.
This is interesting to me as a survivor who not only has DID but also turned in the one person who was doing the most hurting because they had the most access. At the time I couldn’t speak against some of the other people who did things, mostly because I didn’t know their names, nor did I have words for some things, but I have no doubt about their guilt, I remember, just not in detail, which is scary because I think if I can remember what I do, the things I don’t must be pretty horrible. I don’t remember a lot but I know what is what and I know there is no way that I/ we would have risked our life and others if I hadn’t known the truth to tell. If my perpetratror hadn’t copped a plea, I probably would have been labeled a liar.
Once that was done though I/we gave very little direct information because the police were so insensitive, lost the report, said they’d heard worse, why was I crying and on and on. Telling was just the beginning in a system that really wasn’t interested in helping ME. Now it all seems like it was pointless. The only person that really suffered lasting damage or consequence from talking was me/us. I hope that over a quarter decade later that the system has changed. I hope that people don’t still go through the added pain the system heaped into my life by their flippancy about what they did know, familial rape. I learned from all that, my abusers were right all along, don’t talk was the way to go, that people either wouldn’t believe or it wouldn’t matter in the end. I still have to battle against all the no talk rules. I was raped as an adult, did not report, and lied about my face being beaten up to the one person who asked out of hundreds who saw.
It’s hard enough to trust yourself and use your voice as a kid, but to have it thrown back in your face and watch those people walk away laughing is indescribable.
This post and the responses made me think of something that was interesting to me in my own journey. I have been through the denial and I have accused people who did not deserve it. I am by no means perfect, and the totality of the issue and my responses to it were repulsive to me. It seems as though once a person can fight their way out of the turmoil of denial, a peace sets in, and accusations become not only unnecessary, but counterproductive bordering on self-injurious. In the simplest of terms, accusations are pointless when a person can find peace within themselves. It is worth the struggle to find that peace where hate and blame become obsolete. Certainly not to say that a person should go so far in the opposite direction that they start missing all the signs of abuse or manipulation, but when those signs present themselves, it behooves a survivor to just walk the other way.
I gave myself a hard time after reading this. I am still stuck sometimes with ‘I am making all this up’ and ‘what a horrible things to be thinking’ and ‘i am bad for thinking anyone could have done those things’ and ‘I AM A LIAR’.
I believe this so intensely sometimes that I try to convince myself to stop therapy with my current therapist and go to another one that will help me to stop making false memories and false accusations ( I haven’t made any accusations out loud). This is actually a daily battle for me – I dont know who I am – am I a horrible attention seeking liar willing to do or say anything to manipulate people or am I a confused survivor? I dont know if I will ever know.
I guess thats why you wrote that someone who is still in the place where i am with memory, dissociation and healing shouldn’t make any accusations.
Yes, vickilost – that is the point of NOT making actual official accusations while you are in such turmoil about it.
When you have done your healing work, and trauma resolution, etc, you will know who really hurt you, vs. who didn’t. There won’t be the back and forth, there won’t be the turmoil, there won’t be the self-accusations of lying. And, you will know who hurt your feelings, vs who actually abused you (there is a big big difference!). And you will know your part (your responsibility) in life events, vs. feeling just victimized by others. You will be able to recognize where and when you were truly abused and traumatized.
The “I am a liar” stuff means that you are really struggling to accept who actually did hurt you. You probably have a lot of dissociative walls and hidden spots of history still – so there will be things you just don’t yet know. But your insiders and your system will know. The more you work with your internal parts, the more clear your history (and who your abusers are) will become. Clearly, since you are dissociative and split, someone – at some point in time – has hurt you. Maybe even more than one person hurt you. But yes, since you are DID, someone really did hurt you. I don’t know who, but you will know who. You aren’t lying about the idea of being hurt. Someone did some really horrible things at some point in time, or else you wouldn’t be so dissociative in the first place.
The question will be who is in denial about the abuse, or who still believes they need to protect the perpetrators, vs who can face the reality of whatever happened to you. And when someone is not sure of themselves, they can be easily persuaded to say things that are not accurate. So.. its much much better to wait until you know more from more of your internal system.
Why is it easier to believe that you are a liar than to believe that someone could hurt you?
There is lots of stuff to work on there in your therapy…. Keep at it. You’ll figure it out.
Kathy
my liver needs a stern talking to now and then, i must admit. LOL
bring back Degrassi Junior High, i say. it did a far better job of educating folks about this stuff than the soapies ever seem to.
have you seen Criminal Minds? i just watched some of the 1st season. i’m told it improves considerably re: accuracy but omg, will a tv show ever manage to get that it’s dissociation and not disAssociation?!
they’re only completely different words with completely different meanings…
not.that.hard.
lol, yes, CK – those livers get really out of control sometimes… I’m glad you are being stern with yours. 🙂
I have seen only small bits of Degrassi Junior High or Criminal Minds. There are gobs of tv shows that I’d like to blog about… I actually have a list in mind, ( with some shows saved on my dvr and already waiting for their turn, lol). Now – if I could just get the time to do all that.!
And yes… dissociation is the term. It really really irks me when they use the wrong word too.
But then again…. since when did we ever expect Hollywood to get anything “right”??!!! At least they try – I guess that counts for something.
Thanks for the comment. It’s always good to have a giggle. 🙂
Kathy
small typo, check that last word in the paragraph.
There are survivors out there, including dissociative trauma survivors, who would rather accuse and blame their helpers instead of having the courage to address the real abusers in their livers.
LOL LOL
Oh, what a great typo, lol.
Thanks. 🙂
Well said, Kathy.
Yep
Sally