So here we go again.
The second season of the Showtime series “United States of Tara” starring the Emmy Award winner Toni Collette has begun.
The first season was full of controversial episodes, and most of the survivor population with dissociative identity disorder was disappointed and angered by the series. Even though some of the best-known trauma psychiatrists were allegedly acting as advisors for the show, there were still far too many inaccuracies and misrepresentations for the comfort level of real DID survivors. (Maybe next time, Showtime, executive producer Steven Speilberg, or writer Diablo Cody should speak more with clinical therapists that treat dissociative clients on a long-term basis. If you ask me, therapists know more about the clinical realities of DID than psychiatrists anyway, but that’s a whole different rant.)
The first episode starts with Tara tossing out the clothing and personal items that belonged to her formerly recognized four or five insiders. Tara had ended the first season in the hospital, and had apparently done so well in her brief hospital stay, that it had been three whole months since her insiders had surfaced. She was sure they were all gone. She was already saying goodbye to them – more like good riddance to them – and her family gathered around the charitable donations dumpster to make crass comments toward the inside parts.
Oh dear. What a way to start the season. Fifty-one seconds into the show and my eyes are popping out with enough material for a blog post. (Dare I even watch the rest of the episode?!) Yeeesh!
So this very first minute of the show brought up some of my very biggest complaints about the way some mental health professionals and hospital programs treat DID / MPD.
One of the most devastating techniques that treatment providers can use with dissociative survivors is to push the whole integration idea. To push the idea that insiders need to not be allowed out, or need to be silenced, or need to be pushed to the back, is damaging to the person as a whole. Integration is not anywhere near the cure-all or ideal goal it is professed to be, and frankly, expecting dissociative clients to having these “alleged integrations” too fast is absolutely harmful.
I have seen too this happen far too many times. This is not good treatment for dissociative identity disorder!!
You cannot go into a hospital program and walk back out, a few weeks later, as an integrated multiple. This is NOT possible. I don’t care how much this is advertised as possible, it is not. It is complete farce, and it will not work.
Sure, you can temporarily push your insiders back into hiding. Or, your insiders can push you out to the front and rebuild the dissociative wall behind you so that you are completely separated from your system. You might think you are alone. You might think you are “integrated”. But you are just separated from your insiders. In fact, you are more dissociated than ever because now you have a complete dissociative block between you and the rest of your selves.
This is not helpful.
Unfortunately, there are hospital programs or therapists that encourage this kind of treatment.
It doesn’t work. It won’t stick. Those inside parts are not gone. They might be hidden, but they absolutely are not gone. And this new or encouraged separation will just cause problems down the road. I’d bet money on that.
I realize that many of you may want to push your insiders back in, or make them shut up, or make them go away, because you believe that your life would be easier and more manageable if they were gone. I can understand the concept that having one personality is easier than having a dozen or two (or three) personalities. I get that.
But it’s still not a good idea.
The various parts of you were created for a reason, and they hold valuable pieces of your life, your history, your emotions, your skills, your abilities, your memories, your talents, your energy, etc. They represent years of your life, and it takes all of you together to make the whole picture – and as appealing as it might be to think that three weeks in the hospital can solve everything with a quick integration, this is an illusion and a lie. Genuine integration, if it is actually desired and if it is actually going to be successful, requires years of work. The various selves to work through all the things that caused them to be separated in the first place – and that just takes time.
It is a cruel trick for hospitals to sell this approach as something they can achieve for the client – because the hospital won’t be there six months or a year down the road, when the apparent “integration” falls apart and the devastated client is left feeling at fault. And it is compounding the wrong for Showtime to present this approach as something that actually happens.
The other problem in this first minute of United States of Tara is the negative way that Tara and her family are speaking about her insiders. Where is their kindness and compassion? Why such blatant disrespect? Where is the appreciation for what those insiders did for her?
EVEN IF I believed in sudden or quick integration as a general theory (which I most definitely do not), I would still say to Tara and her family members that their “good riddance, you big pains in the butt” attitude was an obvious indication of why this particular attempt at integration was not going to work.
Clearly, there were still plenty of issues left unresolved. Clearly, Tara and her family harbored resentment, irritation, and bitterness toward her insiders. The insiders did not integrate because there was acceptance, understanding, and blending of their roles. These insiders were clearly not wanted, not liked, not understood, not appreciated. They were hated. And if Tara is still hating on her insiders, then she is still hating herself. This is not the kind of foundation from which any kind of healthy progress is made.
You cannot integrate your insiders if you hate them.
You cannot make them go away, just because you hate them.
I suppose you can pretend they do not exist because you don’t like what they did. But that will not help you to get better.
I suppose you can act like they are not real because you don’t want them. But that will not help you to get better.
Hating on your insiders, in any way, shape, or form, is not conducive to good treatment.
Hating your yourself, in any way, shape, or form, is not conducive to good treatment.
Your insiders are still parts of you, now and for always.
As far as I am concerned, neglecting your insiders is a form of self-abuse. Neglect is neglect, and if you are not working hard to appropriately meet the needs of your insiders, you are carrying out of form of neglect.
It is so very important to develop positive acceptance and understanding with your insiders. It is imperative to the success of your healing, and one of foundations of your treatment, to be kind, gentle, and compassionate to your inside parts. Build positive teamwork. Build good cooperation. Build good internal communication skills. Become friends with each other. You and your insiders really have to be able to get along and work things out together in order for your healing to progress.
Somehow Tara forgot to do this, and somehow her hospital program forgot it as well.
She can pretend that shoving her insiders away, or pretending they don’t exist, is a wonderful option for her.
But it really will not work.
Later in the previews, it becomes clear that Tara starts realizing she is switching again. (She calls in transitioning. What a bulky word, but ok – it’s a transition from one self to another.) So yes, she clearly switches from one part to another. That’s no surprise.
Someone on her treatment team should have told her months ago that that her “they are gone” approach wasn’t going to work.
Because it didn’t.
Obviously.
—–
By:
Kathy Broady LCSW
www.AbuseConsultants.com
Copyright © 2008-2010 Kathy Broady LCSW and Discussing Dissociation
We cannot imagine being integrated. Or losing each other. It seems like it would be so sad. I cant imagine my life without them. It would be a huge heartbreak to not hear Blue singing songs in the middle of the night, or not have Jadie asking me to hold her, etc. I wonder how people handle the grief?
winters keeper, sam, gyspywitchkate,
thanks SO much for your dialog. my “inside girls” have been coming out with my husband for a long time, and he has been intuitively amazing with them. now that I have the diagnosis, we are able to understand what is happening a lot better– he is able to recognize when I switch, and the inside girls/people are feeling more comfortable in being “themselves” with him–having a unique perspective and developing a relationship with him. so far only folks I am co-conscious with have come out, so I don’t know how I would feel about it if folks that I have an amnesiac wall would.
hearing about your real life experiences is so helpful, and I can’t wait to share it with my DH.
one thing that is heartening is to hear that the younger ones want a Daddy and not a romantic relationship. so far my girls have been clear, even adamant, that they are not my DH’s “sweetie” (although one admitted that “I sneak” with a lot of giggles). I think our fears about role confusion because of the abuse has kept us from being able to fully accept ourselves.
Kathy, if you are reading, maybe this could be a topic of a post–the relationship of child parts to the spouse. Or if you already have one, maybe you could direct us to it?
Sam–RockerGirl’s blog has a lot of helpful stuff about transference (in the theraputic relationship) that I have found very useful. (www.rockingcomplacency.wordpress.com)
hi heartofindigo,
yes, I am here reading. 🙂 I haven’t been posting as much this week, but I’m definitely still reading, 🙂
And thank you for all your posts today – you’ve added some great comments in a variety of threads. I appreciate that.
The relationship of child parts to the spouse – yes – gosh, that would be a good topic. It will go on “the list”.
Thanks for reading! I look forward to seeing any other comments you have –
Kathy
Hi gypsywitchkate,
I’m not totally sure I understand all that you are saying. Sounds like some philosophical differences perhaps???
I don’t “role play” or “play” daddy. I AM the daddy that Debby never got the first time. Since at this moment Debby and Shelly (my wife) are separate I can have separate roles. As they merge that may have to change. I take it one day at a time with my girls.
And I know I read on various blogs about “self nurturing.” That might be important in the absence of caring family members, but when children are growing up the parents are SUPPOSED to be the nurturers. When people get married then spouses take on that role though obviously from a different perspective.
I’m one of those whacko’s that believes the husband’s role for his wife is to nourish, cherish and give myself up for her. Nourish to me means nurture. I just can’t buy into the current negativity about co-dependency. A husband and wife OUGHT to be co-dependent or they really haven’t become “one flesh.”
I hope this doesn’t come across as defensive or ugly. I know there are a lot of different perspectives about DID and the best healing journey on wordpress. And even if we might disagree on this point, I still welcome your comments because I readily admit my ignorance on so many things!!! I have learned lots in my short time on wordpress.
o yeah PS Found we needed to be careful of the ‘role playing’ in regards to transference issues as well as REALITY base- SO important!
hi all! I really wanted to connect with Sam and respond to some of his posts here. I have been, and am currently, also the partner of someone with DID. Sam, I also found myself on a very unsupported journey supporting my loved ones- many people (including professionals), seeming to think that there is a way to be in a relationship with one single aspect of a person! It is also, apparently, healthier 4 that relationship to be with the ‘host’ part. I am, however, very much in a relationship with a whole person!
One thing you mentioned that I would particularly like to expand on is the whole surrogate family thing (eg playing daddy) which we found can bring with it the dangerous temptation to attempt to ‘redo’ the life or heal the damage with your love. Our love can be a powerful model and an important reality check for present time for sure. My partners and myself have found the positive modeling invaluable, especially with the littlies- with the most important part being the internalizing of the model. We found it particularly vital (and difficult!) that my partner built up her own trust levels internally so that SHE could become her own nurturer. We found in the end that it was herself she needed love from the most- and sometimes my providing from outside would tempt her to feel ‘off the hook’ with herself! Not sure how clear I’ve managed to be here- I’m a hopeless typist and I’m afraid it makes my expression a bit clumsy lol. Do hope I have provided a little food for thought though. 🙂
BEEHIVE
I have been diagonosed with the “mystery disease’ Myalgic Encephalitis or more commonly referred to as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome in the U.S., which some researchers have found to be more common and severe in women who have been abused in childhood. Very often, I will have some unexplainable symptoms and after exhausting tests, the doctor wants to prescribe something to treat it, and I am afraid to tell them, cause the symptoms will disappear.We are very afraid of medications. For one, I read the NEWSWEEK article that found many people on antidepressants do as well on a placebo. If they knew how stuff worked, I might not be so skeptical, but they claim drugs to up Serotin help yet in France they use a popular drug to lower Serotin. I am also afraid of drugs cause they were used on me as part of the abuse. I know I would have some control and I have resisted hospitalization when I needed it as I am afraid they will force me to take meds for my mental health issues and I don’t see them as a help. Anyways, hope Kathy covers body awarenss/health issues sometime. Therapists have asked where I feel this or that memory/issue and I am thinking they are crazy cause I am all in my head. I do take lots of natural vitiamins and botanicals too though. They don’t scare me so much.
As you have seen, when they first start to present themselves, they are stuck in time…in a place of pain and terror. It only makes sense to me to gently invite them to come into this time and place by allowing them to be present and experience “now” as they are ready.
Exactly!!! The longer I relate to my girls and show them that they are no longer alone, they are no longer in danger, they now have a daddy and a loving big brother, they now are deeply loved, etc. the old fears and self injury are naturally being released. And yes, as I treat them as distinct little girls (and each of them VERY much wants things to call their own so I have bought them all individual gifts) the two main insiders and my wife are growing closer together not further apart.
Thank you so much. It feels good to finally be validated a little. I keep a constant watch on myself and my girls evaluating what works and what doesn’t. I don’t always get it right (our conversation showed me something I needed to back of on tonight), but the girls know I love them and love them “just for themselves” not for the healing they will eventually provide for my wife. That’s another big issue to them. They don’t only want to be a “means to an end.” They really, really, really want to be loved for themselves, not just as a part of my wife. So I constantly affirm that.
Blessings!!!
Hi Sam,
I am so impressed with the dedication you have shown in helping your wife and her insiders with their healing work. You are creating that safe place that is needed for healing to take place.
I know that some professionals believe that it fosters separateness to relate to insiders as individuals. I obviously disagree with that (remember my disclaimer though) since I don’t see how it is possible for individual parts to grow and develop if they are continually silenced and forbidden to relate to the world as it is now. As you have seen, when they first start to present themselves, they are stuck in time…in a place of pain and terror. It only makes sense to me to gently invite them to come into this time and place by allowing them to be present and experience “now” as they are ready.
Your wife is so fortunate that you have the courage to go against what you have been told to do in order to do what’s right for her. Make sure you take care of yourself too. She needs you too much for you to allow yourself to burn out. So maybe you should follow Alleyleiu’s lead and occasionally ask for something you need. Multiples *can* be great listeners, supporters and nurturers, after all there’s usually one or more of each 🙂
Wishing your family continued strength and courage.
Winter’s Keeper
Hi JP,
I’m so glad that you found my post helpful. One of the things most important to me now is to help other multiples in whatever way I can.
I wish you strength and hope on your journey. May your insiders get all of the love and care that they need to grow.
Be Safe,
Winter’s Keeper
Dear Winter’s Keeper,
Thank you so very much for your thoughtful reply. So much of what you are saying validates what I have been doing. I “thought” my girls were making good progress (about 22 months on this journey so far), but it’s nice to have someone who is on the other side of the journey say so. I essentially let each girl define the relationship they want with me even though it has elicited “caution” and negative feedback from the few professionals I have briefly talked to.
The youngest one (Sophia) who holds most of the abuse memories and is about 2 wants me to give her a weekly bath (daily for the first couple of months!) to the chagrin of my wife and Debby. For the first year she only cared about being “clean.” But each week I got her clean and baby lotioned (very important!!) and we branched out from there. I bought her some bath toys which she greatly enjoyed. Then she began “swimming” in the tub. It strikes “fear” in my heart every time she “swims” and sloshes water EVERYwhere (lol) as I hope she doesn’t break the tub or plumbing! Lately now she has taken to squirting me with a little toy dolphin that I bought her for Christmas and she purposely tries to get me as wet as I will allow. I allow quite a bit even though my wife and Debby have offered to stop her. I tell them I’m just so happy that Sophia has healed so much and isn’t consumed only with getting “clean.” She laughs and we have a great time together.
Debby, who was the first out, felt unloved by her parents. So she quickly asked if I would be her Daddy, and of course I said yes. She also asked my son (age 19) to be her big brother. We do all kinds of great things together, and she really is like the daughter I never had (and sister for him). My wife at first thought it was “weird” but this little girl has blossomed and bloomed so much as she has been part of a loving family that her little heart desperately craved. I’ve done all kinds of “girl” things with her including wearing nail polish on my toes (after we did pedicures together) that made her smile for months when she would see it. That was worth more than gold to me!
Alleylieu, my wife’s defender, has been the hardest to reach out to because she never allowed herself to have any needs, wants or desire before. But slowly my son and I have seen her blossom too. Recently my (insider) girls wanted me to make them a place in the house that had them in mind (because “big brother has a room, and you have a room, but we don’t have one”) for them to scrapbook, and Alleylieu ASKED me to do it. That’s a huge step for one who would never ask for anything in the past. So I’m working on turning the third bedroom into a craftroom even though I’ve been working 70+ hours the last month. I’m just excited that they are feeling loved and safe enough to express desires to me.
The hardest part for me is patience. There’s a lot of self denial that I’ve had to learn as I put my girls’ needs above my own. It does NOT help when others tell me not to do so or that I’ll burn out. It’s hard enough without the negativity from others. But from your response I can see that patience, patience, patience is what I need. Thank you for clarifying it in concrete terms. It’s why I had to pull most of my blog because my girls just weren’t ready yet. And I’ve currently got a great article that I wrote for it, that even Alleylieu (who needed me to pull my blog) likes, and her insider friend likes, but she is working through with her friend whatever issues she needs to before I put it up. I prayed for patience when I was in high school. I have tried so hard to rescind that prayer. My prayers to rescind never seem to get answered???
I really appreciate the line, “His theory was that I would remain multiple as long as there was a perceived need for separateness.” It gives me a little clearer target to aim for as I intentionally give my girls (wife and insiders) 24/7 love “therapy.”
Anyway, thanks so much. If I can be patient, I think I’m doing what my girls need.
Sam, I am.
p.s. for those who don’t know all the names I used here are made up, but I ALWAYS call the insiders by real names. It’s VERY important to them.
csunbean,
I agree with you and I have been looking for things about health issues affecting people with D.I.D. as well. I have major health issues and most of them stump doctors to no end. I have also had doctors telling me that I’m making it all up in my head. I also have the issue with medication. I cannot be on most medications because it affects me and my alters so badly to the point of utter chaos. I have resulted to taking herbs instead of medications because it gets so bad for me. Do you have that same issue as well? Or just health related?
-Bee
To Winter’s Keeper,
I am so grateful that you shared this. It gives me a perspective on what has definitely felt right for a while now. I’m also grateful that you shared the timeline for you, as I realize that this didn’t happen overnight and will take time, love and genuine caring to resolve, however that looks for me and those in my system.
Thank you so much.
For Sam,
You are inspiring and your love really shows.
JP
I am hoping at some time this blog or US of Tara would cover HEALTH issues that affect people with D.I.D. (I know trauma affects glands in the brain which can mess stuff up. I have a lot of puzzling health issues and I wonder if others experience the same?
csunbean
Hi Sam,
Your wife is lucky to have such a great support system!
First, the disclaimer: I am only able to speak and offer suggestions in reference to my personal experience, and that may or may not be relevant to anyone else’s experience since everyone is different. Also, although my career involves psychology, it is in psychological research not clinical or counseling psychology, so I am not a mental health professional.
What I found most important for my insiders was to simply be heard and allowed to be who they were. They were very afraid of anyone trying to suggest changes in the system. I come from a background of an organized perpetrator group that used coercion and “suggestion” while inflicting pain or terror in order to create or change system dynamics. Therefore anyone-no matter how well-meaning, that was perceived as trying to “change things inside” or to “control” the system, or “call out alters” was responded to with great alarm. That would often bring forward protectors who were not so nice in conveying that some things were better left alone. This is why I had such negative reactions to therapists who were perceived as attempting to force or push integration or co-consciousness.
The therapist who helped me the most allowed each insider to present themselves as they chose or needed to be present. His theory was that I would remain multiple as long as there was a perceived need for separateness. He respected the dissociation as a necessary defense mechanism that would gradually be reduced as the insiders were nurtured in a safe environment and allowed to share their stories. There were never efforts made to convince parts to get closer together, that just happened gradually on its own as each insider got what he/she needed to feel safe and to developmentally progress in their own time. He spent a lot of time repeatedly reassuring different parts that they were safe there, that the danger was not present right now, that everything would be OK, that saying “No” would not really result in their immediate death, etc..By listening, and by example, he helped the protectors learn that they did not have to react in such dramatic ways in order to perform thier duties. He asked questions such as “Do you want to leave the group (my abusers)?” and accepted whatever answer that individual part gave, without trying to tell them what they should do. It had to be difficult to watch my system go back again and again to those who had so damaged us, I think he realized that the system as a whole would have to reach the point where they felt that there was more for them in the “light” than in the “dark”, and it was his job to show them what they could have in the “light” without making them feel pressured. It was eleven years from diagnosis to integration for my system.
So my suggestion to you is to continue to support your wife and her insiders in the loving and gentle way that you currently do. Accept them as they are in the moment. Let them tell their stories. Tell them how courageous and strong that they are to have survived what they did. Tell them they are safe. Tell them it is OK to say “No”. Continue to support their efforts at teamwork without offering suggestions that they work together more often. Finally, don’t try to influence what they want with regard to integration. In my experience integration does not occur just because you want it to anyway. It occurs when the insiders are ready- and *only* then.
The best to you and your wife on the journey.
Winter’s Keeper
Dear Winter’s Keeper,
I have been extremely involved with my wife’s insiders. When I’m home they are out about 90% of the time as my wife and I both felt that this path could help speed the healing process. And so far they have all seemed to make very good progress according to the ladies on her forum and my wife’s theophostic facilitator. And I have watched them all blossom and grow and shed a lot of the fears and insecurities as my son and I have showered them with love, safety, validation, etc.
You talked about how the counselor who helped you integrate the most was the one who talked about it the least. I was talking with my girls (my wife’s insiders) Saturday, and they feel that I am “pushing” for them to try to be more co-conscious/integrated. I take their feelings seriously, so I was wondering if you would have any counsel for me. Things I could do that might help them want to move in that direction but doing it in such a way that they wouldn’t feel “pushed.”
Recently my wife and the two main insiders (who want to be “outside girls”) have begun to do scrapbooking co-consciously. So I do anything I can to support this as all 3 LOVE to do this and they seem very content to do it co-consciously. But whenever they express discontent about “missing” other events because they didn’t get to be the one outside, I gently try to suggest that they could try to share more like when they scrap book. But they find that pushy.
Obviously I need to stop suggesting that. Maybe they’ll come to that conclusion themselves. But I was just wondering if you had any concrete suggestions that I might be able to implement.
Thanks for your time.
Sam, I am.
TVC:: i tried watching the show with my sorta boyfriend, hoping he would ask questions about how it all compared to what i go thru and he didn’t have a single question….it was disappointing
Sam,
I don’t have a blog, but if it is OK with Kathy you can post a question here directed to me. You never know, it might be a question other people can benefit from as well.
Be Safe,
Winter’s Keeper
Yes, lots of people have asked questions to each other back and forth on this blog – that’s fine with me. The interaction is usually helpful for more than one person, so… yep, go for it. I’ll be interested in seeing it too. 🙂
Kathy
Having just watched the first two episodes of US of Tara, I saw the rubbish bin incident in a different light… It was predominantly the teenage daughter who was saying the disparaging comments about the alters as the clothes went into the bin. Yes, this was disrespectful, but then Alice did try to clean her mouth out with soap (I would be consider that abusive) and T’s apparel was an “interesting” choice for going into a charity bin. So within the context of how the daughter had been treated by the alters, I’d say that the comments weren’t all that out of the ordinary. Yes, it would’ve been good to see the parents remind her about respecting other people… just like it would have been good to see Alice apologise to the daughter for the soap incident, or T for the incident with the son’s friend, etc. Respect goes both ways.
I didn’t get the sense that the alters were considered “integrated”, but rather Tara was no longer “transitioning”. It was implied that she was all better, but that didn’t seem to be attributed to the hospital, but instead to the rather intensive amounts of medication that Tara was on. The way I saw the end of the last series and the start of this one, was more that Tara (with the help of drugs) had gone into a denial type of situation, where she was “all better” and those “pesky alters” were no longer an issue. I’m not saying this out of disrespect for the alters, but rather it is similar to how I can get at times when I go into denial…
I agree that the show doesn’t show DID in a particularly good light, or in a totally realistic way… But it also has some truth in there. It will be interesting to see where they go with the plotline started in the second episode of this series… Yes, it’s triggering and an extreme representation, but it’s also the truth for some with DID.
Take care,
CG
just a few thoughts from our end.
1. her therapist in the first season had no clue how to treat DID. that was obvious. i wanted to teach her a few things myself, she was such an airhead!!!!
2. so tara likely never really learned how to properly relate to her insiders, or how to view them (welcome vs something to be rid of, etc). and even if she did, one can go years *knowing* how one should do it, but not being able to put it into action.
3. dramatically, the last show of the first season totally told ahead that any ‘integration’ could very well be alters ‘just hiding’, because that’s what happened to her fellow hospital patient. so i knew right off that any supposed integration in the second season would be not real. they totally set that up in the script.
4. we still treat each other like **** most of the time. our friends still haven’t met most of our others cuz the whole thing is over most of their heads and its just generally not safe. this with a great therapist and great support team. and some people think the parts just need to go away… and sometimes i do too. which is wrong – but it’s real life.
5. i think perhaps you have an idealized expectation of what the show should be. but it’s not a documentary. and there are TONS of things we totally relate to, and the show is very validating for us.
6. one thing the show covers really well is the STRUGGLE, to understand ourselves, to be understood, and to understand IT. and how people have so many wonky ideas it’s hard to know what end is up. especially when you don’t know which of your own ends is up.!!! so they are confused in the show too…. so? confusion. i can totally relate.
7. it shows some of the falsehoods out there about DID…. which no one knows is falsehood until they find out otherwise. i think, dramatically, tara and her family etc just don’t know otherwise – yet. and somethings maybe they will never realize… – oh wow, that’s just like real life!!!!
we love the show. we are getting the first season on DVD soon. probably tomorrow (just got paid, whoot!!!). can’t wait to watch it again with some of my support peeps…. good time to bring up questions and and discuss things.
Is it possible to ask winterskeeper 2 a question about integration? Maybe she doesn’t field questions. I haven’t found a way to get to her blog if she has one.
Thanks if anyone can help!
I am offended as well, yet I appreciate your commentary. This statement is not meant to excuse, however, the TV industry’s mandate is to make a profit. This show makes a profit creating spectacle by distorting and exploiting the suffering of others. That, to me is morally reprehensible. Unfortunately, it is all too common. What to do? Never stop demanding fair treatment. If you’re unsatisfied, or hurt, or offended with Tara, keep speaking out! Good organization has propelled many an underdog group.
I still find it is so very offensive. So many people get wrong ideas about D.I.D. and shows like this and “Sybil” reinforce the stigma for those of us who dissociate. I feel very angry at producers who could make truly compelling tv – including humor as well as the acting out and crisis’ that keep happening.
Even more offensive is running into an abusive/sick “healer” in the psych field. While doing a “inner child” exercise, I asked the pdoc why my inner child had 3 names? Her response, and I quote, was “Oh don’t even think YOU’RE multiple. This person was a toxic, wounded healer who did long-term damage to me and my inside family. When my current T tried to tell me she believed I was D.I.D. it took almost 4 years for me to stop denying what was there. But sometimes that abusive T’s words come back and bother me. I’m not a litigious person (I’ve never ssued anyone – but that 20 days with her in outpatient day program set my healing back for years.
I’ve had a telephon friendship with with an Agoraphobic D.I.D.’er. She is so completely fearful and one major reason is she went to a counselor who tried to rush her into “integrating”, though it sounded more like she was trying to “evict them from my friends head”. My friend let her take her through some process and literally lined them up and “put them on a bus” and send them away. The results have been horrible and she has now been stuck for years – feeling a weird aloneness and like she could not function because this process did not put anything in place of the ones who were supposedly integrated. We read or heard something that says the alts will hide and not go away if they are not ready to blend into a more “tapestry” of a person instead of a hand-mirror dropped on the floor with parts in sharp fragments. We started to encourage her to “talk to her head” and tell them about the mistakes made and invite them to come back. It took a long time but they are slowly coming out of hiding. What a trainwreck that t. put my hurting friend through. I am hoping she can get back into therapy, she needs help so desperately and I feel bad that her life is run by fear and compulsions.
I still tend to be a “black and whate” thinker and I think this show STINKS because it misrepresents us who switch and I hate it because it is going to propably hinder a ton of hurting people. I’m glad it is not on my channels and I’m going to avoid hulu.com and the other free show website. I’ve gont some parts who have strong morbid curisosity. I really don’t need any more nightmares in my head and rants get me all wound up.
Hang in there Ya’ll,
Deborah of the Pixies (also known as Leslie’s “Backbone”
jp, is it ok if i repost your comment on my livejournal? i find it very helpful and would like to remember and share it. thanks so much.
sam, we think that is awesome.
we experience co-consciousness more often than not…and i know that is a goal for some systems. but it does make acceptance on my part difficult…right now i wish i could be the one to go away. i am working with a great therapist so i am safe..just having a hard time right now. thanks for this discussion y’all it really helped me to put into words things we have been feeling/dealing with.
Sure thing Maggie. You’re very welcome.
jp
Hi Kathy,
Thanks for your kind words. It means alot. I always enjoy coming to check the blog, as you are always coming up with new and creative topics. It is always thought provoking, and causes me to reflect on my journey, things I still need to work on, and to remember the others who are still suffering so much.
I really can hardly believe that there is someone out there who knows as much as you do about DID in all of its manifestations and who has such great compassion, knowledge and respect for those who suffer because of their past traumas. Those who are in treatment with you are so very fortunate, and those who aren’t are still able to benefit from your expertise on this blog and in your online support forum. People like you are few and far between and I’m grateful to “know” you. You are the “real deal”!
Winter’s Keeper
“because we are real too but maggie and that lady on the show act sometimes like we aren’t but we are.”
This is a constant cry of my girls (my wife’s insiders). My one insider daughter often says, “Daddy, I’s a real girl.” And I have gone to great lengths to validate this deep need that all the insiders seem to have. I have “married” them into the family buying everyone a claddagh ring (including my son). My ring has the initials of all the insiders engraved on the inside. I have bought the 3 main insiders (with whom I have daily or weekly contact) personal gifts, jewelry, and of course Christmas presents!
If integration comes up I always stress to my girls that I never want anything that would mean they would have to go away permanently. I tell them that would be “ripping a piece of my heart out.”
Recently my girls (the 2 plus my wife) began to do scrapbooking co-consciously. They all love it and work on it together. One time one suggested that they “divide up” the supplies among each of them, and I gently told her that this was something “all you girls” do together, and that was the last time I heard suggesions about dividing it.
I really appreciate winter keepers comments. I hope I’m helping my girls move gently forward.
I totally agree with this post. I have never seen this show (I just heard about it on Saturday) but I wanted to start watching the first season to see if it was any good. Now I think I will hold off on that for while…it sounds like it is not accurate and I don’t want my splits (alters) to start freaking out on me or getting upset over nothing. Thank you for sharing your opinions on this!
-Bee
thebeehive27.blogspot.com
ravin, thank you for putting into words what i wasn’t able to!
it is interesting to me, the reaction to T kissing Jason…i KNOW that the body is not 16 but also when i see T or Buck or Alice i FORGET that…i have friends with child Parts that really ARE different people than she is…it is easy to forget her actual chronological age…so i didn’t react the way that most here seemed to….just an observation of myself…
Di, I dont either, so watch it online. Tv shack . net shows it.
I even skipped ahead and watched the second episode.
It does start to backfire on her. And they do show that.
After watching the second episode, I think that they MIGHT change
how SOME things are portrayed. Guess we will see
Very interesting comments, thanks everyone. Keep’em coming. 🙂
I think it’s pretty obvious that the show itself is built on Tara having different insiders and all their antics, etc, so… of course, they were not going to let her stay with her parts in the “all gone” phase. That would pretty much defeat the purpose of their show, lol.
And it is interesting that US of Tara is showing some different aspects of the DID process, and of course, we can’t expect Hollywood to always get it right. From this episode, it is somewhat reality-based that for whatever personal reasons, various dissociative survivors will try to present themselves as “integrated” or as having all their parts “gone” far too early in the healing process. (And my beef is that some therapists will support or encourage that far too soon in the healing process…!) That kind of thing really does happen. And it can be emotionally discouraging for survivors to be “set up” to think or believe they are integrated when clearly, they are no where near reaching that place.
So it doesn’t have to be bad that they are showing that this dynamic happens – especially since she splits again later (which isn’t revealed until later). I guess in many ways, I could say that the show is absolutely proving my point that to claim “integration” too soon in the treatment process is not accurate or helpful. So I’ll take that point, and be happy about it. 🙂
And for now, the show provides a teaching tool, a case example that we can all see, and a way to air some opinions in a really cool blog discussion. 🙂
Kathy
KB
Here’s the thing, so far the show has shown what it’s like for someone with DID goes thru when trying to find treatment. Just maybe this is what the show is doing?
Mirroring what it’s like in the mental health field and how it screws with a DIDer’s head while trying to find helpful and compassionate treatment.
I agree there are some really BAD and Dangerous treatment plans/professionals out there in the world and why wouldn’t Tara have to put in her time crashing thru them. Much of what she’s had to contend with so far is pretty close to what DIDers deal with when trying to find help.
I’m kind of glad she’s not getting everything “right” and that she’s had to struggle with things and her family for that matter, it’s more real then if it all went perfect.
Is it hard to watch? Hell yeah!
I see all the awful horrible stuff and it makes me cringe. Not all DIDers are like her, most aren’t that open and “out” there, but some are. I’ve met a few. So that part is embarrassing and I wish she wasn’t so over the top. Still, it is a TV show and they had to put some drama in there for viewers to watch. that doesn’t tick me off so much.
I admit the stuff with the teenage boy was REALLY hard to watch, it made me scream at the TV. Truthfully tho DIDers do have some of this happen, not great to know but like everything else it’s just another thing to deal with. I so wish they hadn’t went THERE, but they did. Sadly.
I still think it’s all about there being a push to show the public that DID is real and exists. That’s more important then some of the details. Cuz for a decade the world has been trying to say we’re FAKE.
And FAKE is more damaging then what this show is portraying.
Just my take on US of T.
Ravin
We dont get any of the premium channels including Showtime so never seen the show. Good thing its not on Discovery channel!
I have a plethora of quotes, some therapeutic and this one spoke to me regarding US of T.
“Delay is the deadliest form of denial.” CN Parkinson.
When a T knows what the issues are, doesn’t know how to treat, or needs help treating then the least they can do is do no harm.
When a client knows deep down that something isn’t clicking it’s our responsibility to keep searching and keep reaching. That reach often is far from easy and in that regard, US of T has that right. My road anyway has been bumpy and has been delayed.
My hope is that people watching keep it in context and realize that they are the masters of their healing and delaying the truth doesn’t make it any less true. Those living with DID really do have the most power to help layfolks understand their processes. It may not always feel that way but I think it is absolutely true. It takes time but delaying and denying has such huge potential for harm and survivors and therapists have got to stand up for the very least amount of harm during the process of healing, whatever that looks like with each individual and their system.
It may have been necessary for a time to deny the reality of DID personally, for whatever reasons, and when we do get past that, the potential to change and heal our lives is huge, I mean look what we did to survive, right?
Take the show for what it is, try not to personalize, turn it off if it’s inflammatory, and do what’s right for yourselves. We know ourselves better than anyone, really, even if we don’t feel that sometimes.
Lovingly,
jp
I don’t think that they represent DID correctly. They just show one aspect of
one way, it can be.
But I really do enjoy the show. I think it is well made and good entertainment.
I guess we will see where this season leads.
pilgram we think the show is scary too because we are real too but maggie and that lady on the show act sometimes like we aren’t but we are. i think maggie knows it too she just thinks she is the boss of us all the time. but she is trying, we are trying too. i wanted to tell you that you don’t have to be scared cause we are here and we are real too.
-polly and Gretchen
I agree that the show is completely overdramatized and unrealistic, although I have to admit that I found it entertaining, coming from the standpoint of being “more or less” integrated after many years of therapy.
I always freaked out when therapists would use the “I” word. It terrified me and set me back every time it was emphasized. What I discovered eventually was that for me, integration was a gradual developmental process that occurred much as if it had happened back when it was supposed to…as a young child. I don’t pretend to be seamless and am always aware of my vulnerability to fragmentation under stress. It’s just that the level of stress required to cause me to fragment has gone from “a gust of wind” in the beginning to rather extreme conflicts and stresses in the present day. The funny thing about my integration is that it began to occur as soon as I got a therapist who did not try to force it…and in fact the subject never came up at all. It was so gradual and uneventful that I was unaware that I was integrating until it had already happened. The result is that I don’t feel that I lost anything in the process, because nothing was “taken” from me. The barriers just became more fluid and flexible and the definitions less distinct. That allowed all of me to grow and catch up on developmental processes that had been interrupted by trauma.
Be Safe Everyone,
Winter’s Keeper
Winter’s Keeper –
I am always so impressed with your posts. Thank you, for sharing your experiences, and your depth of understanding, and your very gentle nature. You have done so much healing work, and it shows.
I really really liked your way of defining what it’s like to integrate – for people that do want to integrate, that’s exactly how I think of it too. A slow, very gradual, natural blending process… once the needs are met of the insiders, and there’s no reason to stay separated, and yet nothing is hidden, nothing is forced, nothing is forgotten or shoved aside. It’s a very gentle acceptance, a healthy moving forward, the being yourselves, together, without the need to be separate.
Well said.
Thanks.
Kathy
Oh ,cool!! Sounds like I’m moving in the right direction, though I have to say I am in the middle of some real hard stressors, and have to work hard to soothe all of me. Thanks both of you for sharing this!
I like the way you’re putting it winterskeeper2 – that’s how it was for us too. This whole idea of ‘pushing integration’ is an oxymoron – if it’s pushed or forced the response will be to dissociate more.
Integration is a developmental process and was for us too until eventually there was less and less need to switch who was out front and finally all our parts just sort of faded out. It’s not at all like getting rid of them and neither we or our therapist actively aimed to achieve this. There is definitely no loss of parts that just don’t show up again.
In contrast, it’s like becoming all of them. I’ve found integration to be a gain. I feel bigger and more myself and fuller in my body overall. I can naturally and easily flow to all the feelings and ways of being that all my parts held separately previously. And now it’s been years since I’ve been aware of ‘someone else’, despite having had to live through some pretty stressful times.
Enjoy the ride,
K x
how does she no whose close to get rid of? how did the pepol at the hospitol no wich lady is supost to stay and wich lady is supost to go away? dont they all be real? we all be real. non of us dont want to go away.
at timberlon lots of us didnt get to talk. them pepol there disidid who did be the real person and her got to talk. onley that didnt relly be the real person they just thot her did be evn thow her told them her didnt be but they dint lisin. if all the inside pepol got to go away who chusis who stays?
it dont seem very fare if all the inside pepol got to go hiden away speshally if we all have rel feelings and dont want to be trapt inside. how come tara had to? that dont be nise. 🙁
kathy that dose be relly scary.
I will agree with oompaa that the 2nd episode can be very triggering and is a little more explicit than i expected, so remember that it is on showtime…
However i have to disagree that the series is promoting the “quick integration” idea…i know that it does show tara and her family being jerks about other parts of the system and we didn’t like that but as having just recently beginning to accept the others i can totally relate to it…as much as everyone hates to admit it there is something appealing about suddenly finding your head to be yours alone all the time…and i don’t know that i wouldn’t be tempted to declare myself “free” of them if i heard nothing from them for 3 months…at one time i actually did convince myself i was integrated and that didn’t go well for any of us…but back to the show…i do believe and have experienced that certain meds can reduce switching…is it abusive to other parts to do so? yes i think it is..it is something i am struggling with right now in fact…but denial and heavy doses of medication could very well convince someone they were integrated until a traumatic event causes an alter to push forward to do what they perceive as their “job”. i think that we are seeing someone who, like myself, struggled for years to deny their multiplicity and are trying to figure out how to live with it…there will be some denial., suppression…acting out of the parts of the alters…who wouldn’t act out if someone told them to sit down and shut up all the time and suddenly they have some freedoms? i think that perhaps we have to value the show for what it HAS done for the DID community, which is to give us a character in the media that isn’t sybil or any one of a dozen sinister characters that have been portrayed in the media for so long. Tara, her alters and their actions, and her family’s interactions with all parts of the system are quite believable to me. she isn’t the perfect picture of a system healing and working together healthily that we would like to see in the media but the life depicted in the show, outrageous as it is, is probably a lot closer to the lives of people living with DID than any media portrayal out there. and lets not forget that this show is billed as a COMEDY and just like Monk with OCD and Scrubs with hospital medicine, this show is going to try and look at the issues surrounding living with this diagnosis with some sort of humor, let’s do the same.
with all of that being said: I have some anger at toni collete for not mentioning something about DID or NAMI or some sort of awareness cause when giving any of her acceptance speeches this award season.
I did originally get all bent out of shape when I saw the pilot last year. But, now, I don’t really care. TV shows rarely mirror what is reality. So, I got over it quick. Since I know a lot about science, I have never seen a show that’s ever represented science well. So, I suspect since most people who watch the show watch it for its entertainment value, I am sure that the writers focus the story on that. It’s not a documentary. But, yes, I think ISST&D expected otherwise, which may be why I don’t see any of the commentaries on their site this year (at least when I looked quickly).
Two things:
1. Psychiatrists can be therapists. I don’t see why you made that distinction. And I’ve met several who know an awful lot about the real workings of DID and I’ve found them helpful. I’ve met and worked with non-psychiatrists, some helpful and some not so helpful.
2. Hospital programs. I fully agree that pushing integration is a poor approach, for a million reasons. I do not know about many hospital programs other than the major hospital near Boston and they do not present the view you say others do. The times I have met people who have espoused that view have been through General Hospitals and I think that they had that view because they really didn’t believe in DID as a diagnosis. I was wondering if that’s what you were leading into. If they have that treatment approach AND believe in DID, then that’s definitely scary. Very scary.
oh but maybe she went to Timberlawn! They work miracles there, you know!
:p Wait, I have to fall down dead from laughing too hard now.
ohhhh i have so much to say about this and about hospitals, but Caroline is trying to put the breaks on my mouth. dangit.
look, i even didn’t say a swear word.
i just had to say SOMETHING!!!
MISSY
i watched the first two episodes online at tvshack.net and was highly triggered by them. i had flashbacks to the dominican and i was freaked out and had weird dreams all night because of it. let me just say that if you haven’t seen the second episode yet which i guess doesn’t come on tv until next week be careful. remember that it is a showtime series so they can show things that other stations don’t or can’t show. i totally freaked out, but someone else might find it harmless.
oompaa
I guess I’m going to have to actually watch this show so that I understand the dynamics. I hope my TV makes it. lol.
THERE ARE NO QUICK FIXES FOR DID. I’m listening and try to understand my insiders as they come forward, even the ones who frighten me sometimes. The kindest thing I’ve done is to move toward them, not push against them or run away. They feel that, and they feel it as if they’ve been waiting my whole life, probably because they have been. Turning my mind away from them created a level of distrust that I’m now having to heal with them in addition to the already complex issues of living with DID. I’m trying to let them know that I’m sorry because I was led down a path twice that said this was the best way. It just isn’t. Now that I know better, I practice better.
We’ve all experienced hate in our lives whether DID or not. Does that feel good? No way. So taking this tack will never do anything but create more damage. Who needs that? Life is hard enough. We all deserve better. A little more self love and acceptance goes a long way. I can promise that much will work, and that your insiders will feel that. They may not all know what to do with it, but it’s so much better than denial and hate. So much better. And at the end of the day, it’s just not that much harder.
Wow 🙂 – I haven’t seen that episode yet… but all I can say is –Thank You! 😀 Your passion for what you do truly shows through. and Sooo many lessons I’ve been trying to understand/grasp are clearly/passionately stated. 🙂 Reading this post made me feel -sooo- validated 🙂 Thank you Thank you Thank you 🙂
Sally