Several people that have been reading Discussing Dissociation have made posts and comments about how enormously painful and difficult it is to lose a therapist.
There are several different ways to “lose a therapist” but for the purposes of this particular blog entry, I’d like to focus on situations where there was sudden loss.
In my years of experience, I have seen a variety of circumstances that have led to clients suddenly losing their therapist. When this happened during a long-term therapeutic relationship, the sudden loss is enormously difficult for dissociative trauma survivors.
DID survivors typically trust so few people, and there are usually very few people who are allowed to know the internal system in the way that the therapist gets to meet and know the insiders. It often takes months of regular, frequent sessions for DID survivors to start feeling the teensiest bits of trust with their therapist in the first place. It may also take years of time before some of the more vulnerable insiders experience any feelings of trust at all.
When you find a good therapist that you connect with, it’s usually pretty important to keep that therapist.
But what if something happens and you suddenly lose your therapist?
What if you lose your therapist due to
- An automobile wreck
- An assault of some kind
- An illness of some version
- An unexpected pregnancy issue
- A family member of the therapist is ill
- An unexpected “personal leave” of any kind
- An unexpected “medical leave” of any kind
- The family of your therapist has required a move to another location
In these situations, it is very difficult, but the adult parts of the survivor can often understand the need for their therapist to have stepped out of the office, even for an extended period of time. The loss is still there – and most of the internal system will likely still have enormous grief and struggles and emotional pain. The child parts and traumatized parts might blame themselves, but there will probably be someone in the system that can intellectually grasp that the sudden absence was related to an external issue, and not their fault.
But what about if you lose a therapist to one of these reasons:
- Your therapist terminates with you, even if that is not your preference
- Your therapist quits their job for any number of reasons
- Your therapist takes a new job and can’t take you with them
- Your spouse demands that you stop seeing your therapist
- Another person tells you that your therapist is “bad for you”
- Your therapist gets fired and can no longer work with you
- Your therapist decides they are no longer working with DID
What about situations where it is less externally based and more connected to you?
What does it do to the survivor to lose a therapist?
In my experience, when a DID survivor loses their therapist, especially when there is very little time for a termination or goodbye process, there is a huge emotional fall-out from the sudden loss. The therapeutic relationship is far too important to have a sudden ending, and the emotional overflow will be huge.
The DID survivor tends to:
- Act out their pain, anger, and fear in various forms of self-injury
- Be unable to move forward in other areas of healing
- Begin to either devalue or overly-pedestal the therapist (the love-hate response)
- Blame themselves or other insiders for the loss
- Cry, cry, and cry
- Experience internal system chaos, increased internal fighting, decreased internal cooperation
- Experience their internal landscapes and internal structures collapsing and the internal world may go dark, or feel unsafe and unfriendly
- Express an ongoing ambivalence towards the therapist
- Feel suicidal
- Go into a long, deep, dark, devastating depression
- Go into hiding – some of the internal parts may refuse to come back out
- Go numb – become more detached or dissociated
- Have a sudden regression in overall skills, abilities, and social interactions
- Have lots of dreams or nightmares about the therapist
- Hibernate within their own home, refusing to go out or interact with other people
- Lash out with inappropriate or excessive anger at innocent people
- Last out with inappropriate or excessive anger at the therapist
- Leave therapy, refusing to trust another therapist
- Lose hold of the positive gains they made with that therapist
- Pretend that the therapist never existed anyway
- Re-create history by remembering only the good events, making the therapist too perfect
- Re-create history by twisting events into something negative, taking comfort by believing the therapist was “a bad guy anyway”
- Refuse to truly leave the therapist alone (following from afar, maintaining contact, calling their phone, sending emails, etc)
- Spend a lot more time sitting, staring, spacing out, etc.
- Stay focused on the therapist, and their feelings about the therapist as their primary issue for an extended period of time
The termination process is as critical to the long-term health and well-being of the client as any other stage of therapy, if not more so. In fact, a very positive therapeutic relationship can become completely tainted and twisted if the termination process is not handled properly.
Cold-turkey terminations are dangerous.
I cannot stress that enough – sudden terminations are not good.!!
They are not helpful.
They are harmful and emotionally devastating for the clients, and they set up the therapists for future problems.
If your treasured therapist has to leave for any reason, take the time to have as many termination sessions as possible. The process of saying goodbye is complicated, but it is crucial to leave your therapist from a positive point of view.
Otherwise, you will experience an ongoing emotional fall-out that will extend much further into the future than you would expect.
Tread gently….
Warmly,
Kathy
If you want to learn more about Dissociative Identity Disorder, here are a few short, educational videos that will be helpful:
Copyright © 2008-2026 Kathy Broady and Discussing Dissociation
1 year ago I lost my father, we had made amends & I am VERY SAD!!! I wish I could contact my T but she won’t talk to me, no new T I trust or who understands us. My heart is broken & we all want to disappear. I’ve tries 3 new therapists but none understand how we work and is only there during session time. NOTHING MORE!!!! Not even phone messages. We are so sad our old T is gone, even though she didn’t like us anymore. Nobody likes us. All of us are soooooo sad!!
Lots of Mos.
Oh dear Nobodygirl It’s hard when you first start to trust someone . You let them into your heart , then they go away.
It is a big loss for sure.
Have you found a new Therapist that you like? A new one will never replace the old , but it will help fill the void a little.
We had one for 22 years. They best way we can honor our work together, is by remembering to do the things that we worked on with her. To ask ourself what would Karen say to us.
So yes ! it’s very sad and we miss her. She is very much still apart of our lives with the skills she taught us . They way we can reflect on what she would say if we asked her.
we be trying very hard to not let it bother us this year.
this be year 12. 😞
we try hard to not think of her.
but we been dreaming of her every night.
we dream that we saw her at a group and she said we could come see her but we didnt yet. so we be so happy because she will talk to us
at least now she talks to us in the dreams.
she used to just ignore us. now some times she will at least notise we be there in the room.
but we wake up and think yay, we got an apoitnmit with sharin, we can go see her! then we cry becuse then we relize it was a dream.
we want so bad to see her in real life. our heart aches to talk to her again. just once. we would give all,ost anything just to be in her office 1 more time.
it gonna be like this forever 😕
she dont think about us so we shodnt think about her.
she probley didnt even care in the 1st place.
we did be so stupid to trust her. just so stupid.
we still be so afriad of losing evreybudy. always its in are head all the time.
She did that to me. She wouldn’t let me leave and I begged her to let me go. she ghosted me after 2 years. And I hate her guts!!
There is no agony like the agony of not being heard…..and somehow the “fault” gets all turned around back on yourself….you didn’t say it loud enough, or calm enough, or clearly enough, or use the “right” words,….or your timing wasn’t right…or you didn’t have enough worth or value to even BE heard…your needs don’t matter,…and it’s all your fault……
It is HARD….but it is HARDEST when it is done by someone who was SUPPOSED to care, to understand, to hear ……you are Internally transported back to your trauma….you are again defenseless and unheard….and you don’t know if you are going to make it……
Massive confusion and panic hits and then here comes Rage taking a stand for you….. trying hard to help you keep your head above water because you feel like you are about to go under forever…..stepping in – helping you to believe that somewhere in this Universe – your existence MUST matter…..somewhere it MUST…….
MissyMing
11/19/19
I lost my well paying job and have really struggling financially, and his contract changed with my insurance and now I can no longer be reimbursed, I went from paying 80$/mon to paying $400/mon and now I make half the money that I used to… 5.5yrs, He was like my parent, He got me through extremely dark days… Now I just can’t afford him, I took a huge sudden financial hit… We didn’t have any termination sessions, I just woke up today and I suddenly don’t have my therapist… I am emotionally devistated… I have been abandoned so many times throughout my life… This is such a shitty way of losing him, I hope I can get out of this financial hole soon, I can try to afford biweekly, it sucks that it will never be the same, why do I never get to keep people who are important to me 🙁
Matthew….that is one of my great fears….Our financial “boat” is also slowly taking on water…and I am doing everything I can figure to keep afloat…I have been hanging in there with my triggering job because I need my insurance to help cover her cost….. my greatest fear is to not be able to afford my therapist – and I have NO intention of taking advantage of her kindness…..she has at times bent over backwards to be lenient with me because she knows how important she is to me….. I am keeping track of anything I “owe” her – waiting for the day that I can repay her……
We are managing so far – but the fear of losing her because of finances is often in my face…..I am sorry for what you are going through with all that and hope things work out somehow for you……Know that you are NOT alone in that emotional agony……We are here for you to “vent” to when the turmoil hits you….we will do the best we can to be there for you – cause we “get” it……
MissyMing
11/18/19
Dealing with therapy changes. Do patterns and protectors come out? We warn new therapists about boundary issues/co-dependancy issues. Scared to start anew that we have gotten tongue tied in therapy. And we tend to use diversions and talk about things that affect us, but, not really talk about our feelings.
Have had so many abandonment issues and so scared to trust anyone anymore. I spend most days in bed, despite working, and my health has worsened considerably since so much change is going on.
I told my Dr. once, “Do you ever feel like you are screaming out for help and NO ONE is listening?” That’s how we feel most of the time.
And we can’t stop wishing we were still seeing a past abusive therapist. It sucks and we can’t seem to accept anything. Just feeling dumb and used.
Oh my, DK….I can imagine that would be rough…..I have had no changes in therapists since I found my current one a number of years ago….but I DO notice times of transitioning with her where I feel like I am struggling with trust and am back at square one with her again ….some parts are fine – some are not…….there can be SO many conflicting perspectives Inside….have to keep plowing to see where we end up…….
Your comment about screaming struck me…..years before therapy I was already fascinated with the work of Vincent van Gogh and somehow felt that somewhere Inside, I could “identify” with him – his pain…although i had no idea why…then “things” started bubbling up……..But Edvard Munch’s “The Scream” – also struck me….it was like looking at a picture of “me”….but I had no idea “why”…..I also noticed that it wasn’t just a situation of “no one hearing me”…..there was a sense that “whatever” was SO intense – no sound would come out….it would all be Inside – not able to come Outside…..Don’t know why it felt like that….but “screams” feel VERY important to me…….
It can be baffling to the “brain” as to why we could wish to be back around an abusive person….yet it feels like it makes “perfect sense” to the Inside……I hate feeling “dumb and used” AND being manipulated…..but HOW do we pull out of it????……The story continues…..
MissyMing
11/09/19
it wud be easyr to fogt her if we didnt drem abot her all the time 🥺
it did be my fallt i bet. that her left. me and mae did sit on the frunt portch and talk wons. and so her calld the ambulans, i dont no why . but her got mad. and her say the man didnt anser the fone. but it didnt ever ring to him. so her did be mad. her call the emrjinsy pepol. and that did be the nite of sutch a good talk with her, it dont feel sFe ever, any time evn when things be going good it cud be the last time we ever talk to somwon, i wish we new what we did for shee 😞
My T had made that long term commitment to me and mistreated all of us. When she first left us I was asked to sit down w/ the clinicians who paid her. At the end of that conversation they said they had a legal obligation to report her to the licensing board due to inappropriate professional boundaries. We feel awful, guilty, etc.. Therapists are human beings, some make major mistakes. Took me 10 years to find a T who treated DID, we trusted and then in less than a week said she would never see us again. It’s hard to find a T who will treat DID correctly and professionally. Why she chose to go, we don’t know, she still treats DID. It’s hard to believe we will trust again. The serenity prayer is appropriate, she’s gone, last thing I want is for her to face any issues. We’re confused, this is still new, it hurts to have promises broken. It is what it is, We’re trying very hard to accept the things we cannot change. I don’t want to discourage anyone from finding a T who can and will help.
It does hurt so much, I don’t understand why my T bailed on me either and wish we could talk to her. She said she’ll never forget us but I don’t believe it. I know the pain and confusion you’re all feeling, We feel it too. I have no answers, so sorry you all feel the same as we do, it doesn’t seem right.
I will never see my t again either. She retired in 2016 and still, after three years, I mourn. However, I know she needed to go on her own way. She earned her retirement. You see, T’s are people first. They have needs, wants and desires. It’s okay to mourn losing them, but we must allow them to live their own lives and move on with ours. It hurts like hell to have a t leave us, but like I stated, they are only human.
all night we did have dreams about her. to try to get to talk to her, but her ignorr us. and make angry faces. everybuddy else in the dream be nice. but her so mad at us still. we always dream we be trying to go see her and get her to talk to us. some times she say ok but then we cant get there like maybe we have to ride our bike there and we get there to late. or our car brakes down. or pepol get in the way.
all our dreams last night be about her. and we woked up crying so hard. becuse our heart hurts so bad. we still be so gillty so much shamed so bad. we looked at her picsure on line today and telled her to go away and get out of our heart. we cry, we dont no why we cant just foget her like her foget us. i wish so bad we could go back and fix all the bad things we did that made her give up on us.🥺😞
I guess we survivors haven’t learned our lessons yet. Not all people are trustworthy and not all people are able to treat DID. It takes a long-term committment to defeat the bologna that has built up in our minds and psyche from the horrendous abuse we suffered while we were kids.
You t leaving has NOTHING to do with you and tons to do with your T. Don’t place all T’s in the same basket with the one who let you down. I’ve had two who helped me enormously. Although Paula, my first t, retired in 2016, she wasn’t being malicious, she needed to spend her later years enjoying her life without the pressures of being a listener in the listening profession.
Don’t give up on therapy you can find a good fit and move on. The tears you are weeping are valid and cleansing, but it may be time to search out someone new. It hurts like hell, but you cannot force your old t to take you back so it is something you cannot change.
Remember the serenity prayer?
IF not, google it and see if you can’t incorporate it into your healing. Whether you are religious or not, it makes great sense.
Caroline, I am sitting here crying about my therapist who dropped us, I miss her so much and wish I could talk to her as well. I don’t understand how these “professionals” can hurt people who are so fragile. It sounds like you had a therapist who was cold and distant. It’s been so long why don’t you ask her? She may not answer but maybe it will help you. My therapist was great for the first 2 years then she cared less & less till she bailed. It hurts so much, she had told me she would still be there when she was carrying around an oxygen tank, now she’s gone. Sounds like you should find a therapist who works with DID and try to work through letting go of that therapist. I’m just saying what I believe to be helpful while I’m crying and morning the loss of someone I trusted completely. I can’t believe she’s gone & it was so fast.
its been eleven years since that lady broke our heart, and still, whenever we drive through the city where her office is, we get upset. i was there today, and as we got closer and closer to her street, my chest got that familiar ache in it and by the time we drove pass we were in full on tears again.
i dont know why. she doesnt think of us. (she mad a point of telliing us she didnt think of us when she was our therapist), she didnt care about what she did. i dont know why all these years later we waste our time having a broken heart over it. we need to talk to her so bad. i wish she would at least tell us WHY, why did she dump us out of nowhere, what did we do wrong?
I just lost my therapist because she no longer wanted to work with me. It was cruel, she spent many hours outside the office encouraging me to trust her and convincing me she’d never harm me. Then she changed rules, one after another, after another… Limiting contact, saying extremely cruel and demeaning comments. Parts lashed out, she was the first I ever trusted ti see and know my parts, I was just beginning to accept then and my willingness to change myself came forward. I don’t understand but she became increasingly angry and her temper grew shorter. I wanted to keep working and after telling me repeatedly she understood me, she just kept changing and my inability to keep up infuriated her until she terminated. She emailed me referrals and said she will never see or speak to me again. She was the first person I trusted and now I am very deeply hurt, crying a lot, wanted to lash out but not. How can I trust another therapist after it took so long to trust her, and I want her back? How do I share my story again for fear of the same response? This has just been a reenactment and my therapist became another abuser. How do I trust again, it took so much to push to trust her!? I am blown away. How can someone professional be so cold and cruel, what did I do?
It sounds like your therapist had some real problems herself. They are only human, so that is a good possibility. Don’t be afraid to trust again. I have a new t whom I trust. Yes, it took time, but we get along fine now. She is not a Paula (my t that I lost twice), but then, no one could ever be. Try another t and yes, tell them about the last one and how it made you feel. It is your right to look for a t that is a good fit, so if the next one isn’t the t you want or need, then move on. Just, please, don’t give up on the process, okay?
Thank you so much for replying!! I an in so much pain. My therapist who said absolutely never to contact her wrote me a long email. She gets to say what she wants but I’m not allowed to say anything!! She crossed so many boundaries! Had me at her house Christmas Eve, invited me to her beach house and drank w/ me (knows BOTH my parents are alcoholics). I completely fell apart today knowing she’s gone then she contacts me. I worked so hard to be brave, open and honest! She knows my parts, I’m afraid now to b trust again, only to have another person reject me. I’m so sorry about you losing Paula, I read how important she was. This therapist was my last chance and she misread so much of what I said and did. She said today she is done, if I have another therapist or not. I put myself out there completely and she dumped me, no real termination, nothing. Everything hurts so much!!! I don’t want to go after her and hurt her by attacking her license. Still she leaves me hanging with nothing!! It’s just wrong!!
There are tons of red flags to watch for with a theraist. It is inappropriate for your old therapist to invite you to her home. You were vulnerable and she took advantage of that. I know it is too painful right now, but you should call the licensing board in your are and turn her in. That therapist DOES NOT represent the way most t’s act. Look on this site or Google the traits of a good t and the red flags that you need to leave. I’m so very sorry you had this experience. I’m angry for you! To heal from DID you need a therapist. If it were me, is look for someone who is trauma informed. Please, don’t paint all therapists with the same brush.
I lost my therapist not once, but twice.
The first time I had been seeing her for nine years when my ex and I needed to take bankruptcy and we were required to include the clinic where she worked. I had thought we would be able to negotiate with the clinic afterwards, but one day I went to see Paula and they wouldn’t let me past the front desk. I was told I could not see her ever again or anyone else in that clinic. Later I found out they hadn’t told Paula about it either and she thought I had quit therapy.
I cannot describe the pain and betrayal I felt. I tried desparately to find another connection with a therapist but spiraled down mentally until I was forced to live inpatient which lasted seven years.
All that time I never forgot Paula and her wisdom echoed in my mind. I tried to do what she had taught me so that I could heal more and it worked somewhat.
I left the facility in 2011 and in 2013 I was seeing yet another therapist and all I could talk about was Paula this and Paula that. Finally, one afternoon, my therapist asked me why I didn’t go back to Paula. I told her I couldn’t, but she encouraged me to call them. I called them and found out they were no longer for-profit and they forgave my bill which allowed me to see Paula once more.
I started to heal again by leaps and bounds with Paula’s help. Our first session after such a long lag was like a homecoming. My littles were beyond happy and Paula was glad to see us back again too.
Then in 2016, I lost her again, this time to retirement.
I feel so lost. I’ve struggled for so long without her now that I hope to get used to being alone again.
You said cry, cry, cry, yep, that’s what I do even three years later.
It is horribly painful to lose a therapist. What that clinic did was very cruel, but I know rationally that Paula was ready and needed to retire. But it hurts. It hurts a lot.
we had 2 drem of her to day
when i took a nap and las nite
it make me so sad
i did see her and her did tok to me and it be so rel and her look the sam and her so prety
her bridhtday did be 2 days ago
we did use to take her som cake or cokies and a presnt
i mis her so much
i need to be in her offis
i wish i cud tell her abot my bad day
evrey thursday at. 4:30 did be are day i miss it
i got so mene thins to tel her but i no her dont care
so i wish i cud make my sef stop care abot her 😞
it wish it dint brak my hart to drem abot her i wish i cud make me happy .not feel so bad.🙁
We had a therapist we saw for 20+ years. When she retired we were heartbroken. So when we first started see our new one 3 years ago. We told ourselves it’s like getting a new car. We love the old but sometime a newer one brings new joy. Fortunately we did not get a lemon we got a great upgrade.
Hello everyone. English is not native language, but some of us can speak or understand quiet a bit…. Lost our therapist almost 2 years ago, her husband committed suicide… We went 7 years twice a week, after a lot of other therapists. Due to that event we got hospitalized and it really really went wrong. Burning candles and even a few days in jail, because we had a fire in our bed. Not because we wanted the bed on fire, but some of us couldnt handle candles in an appropiate way. And our system wasnt functioning well.
After those days in jail we got back to the hospital, another unit. Where we still are now (the court made that decision). It’s still very difficult to think about that stuff and often also to be in hospital, but it’s going relatively ok.
After that horrible event we had 2 sessions with our dearest therapist to say goodbye. It was hard and it asked a lot of strenght and courage, but we are glad we could do that. The last session we went to a place in nature, we made something for her and she for us and we made origami bird for in a tree and boat on the water …after all it was a very beautiful and almost peaceful moment.
We had hard times in therapy en we went through a lot. But despite everything our therapy made a lot possible. It’s hurting a lot, but also able to see or even feel the things we learned there or the experience someone to be there….
And…support is so so very important during such hard times!!
Wishing everybody warmth to go through tough times.
It’s comforting to know there are places like these. It helps us a lot to come here and reading… although writing is far more difficult. It took a time to write this, but if you can read it here we managed that.
Hello E&T,
Wow …. your native language may be not be English but your written response here is awesome. So glad to meet you E&T. I am so sorry to hear about the difficulties that you have been through. I hope that you are out of hospital now. So hard to loose a dear therapist. My first therapist of eight years retired and it was a very painful experience for which I have no memory of it all actually. I have found a new therapist many years later and I am very glad that I did. As hard as it is … keep trying. And please coming here. We are here to help and support one another.
ME+WE
we had a dream a cuppol nights ago we saw her.
and she acshally let us go close to her and we hugged her.
we kept saying we have so much to tell you, we need to talk to you so bad, we have to talk to you ,we need to talk please, can we have a turn to talk now please?
and she wuldnt look at us. she wuldnt say nothing back. she let us see her. she let us be close by her. but she wuldnt let us talk. she wuldnt lisen. we told her we need to talk to you so bad. but she wuldnt even look us in the eye. we told her we been so good. we been good we promiss.
but it wuldnt work. she just ignorred us. it brake our heart.when we no she be RIGHT THERE but she dont want to talk to us. she just ignorr us.
🥺
I’m so sorry you had that dream – I have dreams like that a lot. Where I see her somewhere and she completely ignores me, or I’m able to somehow be in the same room but she acts like I’m not there. I’m hurts so much.
I understand your trauma, my last therapist cancelled my therapy with no warning in an awful way, saying my trauma,was too complex for her or her colleagues, i conoletely disosociated, although i didnt know that that was what was happening. Thankfully my best friend was able to get to me, when she arrived, i was unable to talk or make communication, but she kept me safe. I am now glad i didnt share fully with my therapist as she didnt deserve my story and i know now my insiders stopped me telling her. I have a central insider who has intriduced me to 13 other insiders, 4 9f whom i can communicate with in a limited way. When i thanked them, they allowed me to be aware of them, but not all at once, i am patient and will meet more when they feel safe and ready
Dear Fiona,
I am so sorry to hear that you had such a bad experience with your last therapist. She certainly did not handle herself in a professional manner terminating you in this way (suddenly and without due process). Thank heavens for your friend!!!
The wonderful nugget in your posting was when you said:
When i thanked them, they allowed me to be aware of them, but not all at once, i am patient and will meet more when they feel safe and ready
Just so beautifully said. You showed your insiders compassion and gratitude and they responded with helping you become aware of them. That is such an important lesson for us all. Then you cap it off with the key word for DID healing – patience! How right you are to understand that it takes patience and compassion to help our insiders come out when THEY feel safe and ready.
Thank you for sharing this Fiona!
ME+WE
02/05/19
Just seen your reply, thankyou x
why we allways be alone on this bad day every year
why dont are stupid dum heart ever stop aking so bad
my chest ake so bad i can hardly brethe.
my heart be so heavy. it be a big rock in my chest
we be so lonley.
we be so allone.
on bad days we be allone allot
mae be crying and crying her wont be abol to sleep tonite.
i wish we could foget her.
i wish i new what we did wrong. why her heart turned off. why she made us go away.
i wish i new why everyone goes away. we be so bad. we be so stupid to ever trust a grown up.
my hole body akes so bad.
😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞 i be so much shame
Dear, dear Rachel,
I am so sorry that you are sad and feeling so bad today. You are not alone because you are in our thoughts and our hearts. Find some place warm and safe to cuddle up to get through the day. You are most welcome to come to my insider’s sunshine tent and snuggle in with friends. Bring your favourite stuffie and maybe have some milk and cookies too.
Sending warm thoughts and {hugs} if you are okay with them.
ME+WE (and Squirrel)
01/11/19
Without,
I’m so sorry that you are feeling so much pain. I can imagine that there’s many complicated layers here, and we know how much it hurts when contact is cut abruptly. It’s brave if you to share about this here and we wish you healing and comfort for the pain. E.
and on occasion therapy is suddenly terminated because of a breach in ethics. the therapist and client, after forming a trusting, caring, intimate relationship over almost a decade, decide to engage in a sexual relationship while in a therapeutic relationship…well…you can only imagine the havoc that did to the system. But the total and absolute abandonment when our therapist abruptly decided to cut off all contact and stopped practicing. That has been even worse. There has never been a pain that has come close to it
Without-a-soul,
It just make my stomach ache to read this. I have a friend . She was a teenager at the time. She was in therapy. The Psychiatrist had his business and his home. Her took vantage of her. She took him to court. The case was settled out of court with a gag order. Shefound out a a latter date that she was not the only one that he prayed upon . He would bring thaws young girls in the woods behind his home.
So with me telling you the point I’m trying to make this a good chance that ihis ethics have been breached before. Whether it’s consensual or not. Most people when they entered therapy there in a vulnerable state. that’s why there’s a code of ethics to begin with. Believe me I know therapists our human and shit happens. I’m sure none of it’s easy.. for everyone involved I hope things will get worked out.
Dear Without_a_soul,
I want to support what has already been offered here – you are very brave to have written about your pain and loss here. This is indeed a very complicated and heartbreaking time on so many different levels. A termination is hard enough to deal with but the circumstances that you have described here make this so much more painful, confusing and desperate. I appreciate that you had a very strong and caring relationship with your therapist but they were very, very, very wrong to have let that bond evolve into a sexual relationship. There is no way to say it – your therapist was more than wrong, more than someone who violated the ethics of the therapeutic relationship – they are an abuser. You are NOT responsible for what happened. Your therapist took advantage of their position and your vulnerability. As hard as I am sure that it is for you right now, termination is the best outcome for you. I do hope that you seek professional help in sorting this all out. I am sure that there is a complex mix of emotions going on and that some professional guidance would be in order. Maybe consider some telephone consultations with Kathy. You probably feel that you know and trust her already so she may be the safe person to help you start sorting out what to do next.
I hope that you find some peace and understanding about what happened Without_a_soul. Oh … and I hope that you come to know that you do have a beautiful, precious soul.
ME+WE
11/27/18
ME+WE lots of people says we brave for talking bout this but the last thing we feel is like we is brave. we feel even more broken and hurt and just…just not good at all since this all happened. while we appreciate ur comments we doesn’t all agree with all of ur comments. termination has actually made things much worse for as a system. and it is even harder than before to work together. and no one wants to listen to no one else. and we can’t get in therapy with anybody else. there is no way we can trust no one else. she was the only one we was ever able to trust. and the only one who ever believed. now that is totally gone. and we is just lost. and none of feels like we have a soul, specially not a precious one, but thanks for thinking so.
Dear Without_a_soul,
I certainly understand the pain and turmoil that you are feeling right now. And, I certainly understand how you do not feel brave or at all happy about the termination and all that you are feeling right now. Please just trust that I and everyone here has your best interests in mind. What happened with your T was not right. I am sorry if that is hard for you and your insiders to hear but it simply was not right. I am so very sorry that you are in such pain and turmoil. I sincerely wish that there were something that I could do to help. All I can say is that I am here to listen with compassion and an open heart to whatever you need to say to work through this difficult time. I understand that you may not think so but know that I sincerely believe that you have a beautiful, precious soul. I hope that you feel that some day as well. Until then, I will hold on to that thought for you.
ME+WE
12/02/18
That moment when another roommate trust you with her own information. Then you betrayed her with calling the therapist.
I should of thought about things instead of reacting. Not only, did I not did support my housemate.
How many of us react to new way to fast instead of sitting with it for awhile. I think today I learned a valuable lesson on processing information befor opening up my mouth.
Jessie I know your anger with me. I’m sorry
Kathy ,
I’m documenting wake you suggested. I can’t stop it I can’t fix it I can’t change it go so just let her go
I have been saying it for a year. she will be retireing . She still say no . That she just cutting back her hours. She says she will still see me 2x a week . Kathy the only thing I can say is this will not be here fault. But we have maybe 60 weeks left. And that a generous guess.
This make me not want to go back and see her anymore. Why should I sit with her knowing what I believe. To be true. It will just hurt. Over and over again . Just like it did with Joe. Knowing and believing that it will end up in not such a good way . Just like you said to me it must unsettling knowing that you can’t fix it and you can’t stop it.
Nov1 2018
Oh man. Losing a good therapist is like a death. It is the end of a sacred relationship. Even if the reason is understandable, it’s just not ok. I have grieved more over a therapist than I have my family for sure. Therapist are just so very special! There’s no relationship that comes close. We’ve decided that we’ll stay in therapy as long as it takes & then some more. We weren’t parented. There’s stuff we just gotta learn, ya know? And we Definately weren’t looked out for. Nor cared about. So therapy it is! And that’s fine with us. I’ve lost a treasured therapist to illness. There is no hurt to compare except death. There’s grief for years & years, maybe forever. I was so hesitant to attach to another therapist, but I have & I’m soooo happy that worked out. I still grieve my lost therapist. She was such a gift to me. I still cry over her & dream about her. I don’t think I can handle losing another one. I hope I never have to find out. I think therapy for me would end right there. But Kathy is so right about good closure. Because my first DID therapist did such excellent & thorough closure, I was able, in time, to trust again. For my work had truly just begun. It was best for me to trust again tho it honestly took 10 years or more. Therapist are special & it’s also important to let them know that & treat them with the respect they show. It’s good to be good to them if that is allowed. You know, just little gifts or cards or coffee cards. Small ways to say Thank you. I appreciate you. I value our relationship. And if that’s not allowed, it’s good to keep your appts, call if running late, pay on time & as agreed. Being a therapist sounds exhausting. I think it’s good if we take good care of that sacred relationship. I hope I’m a good client. I love my Therapist & I never want to say a Goodbye again. I rambled. Just our thoughts here from all of us insiders. 😊
Us Plus,
I’m glad you rambled, because I really think what you said is really important, I have had to say goodbye to two therapists that I absolutely adored (maybe too much? How can you tell?). One was sudden and one was gradual, and I have to say that both were painful. You’re right, it’s just not easy to lose one. I’m glad you had a good therapist experience. It does make it easier to trust again. I’m trying to trust and attach to my current therapist, but it’s difficult. She’s not the soothing type. I think that’s what a lot of my parts want. My therapist likes to push a little and challenge our thinking. She’s a really good therapist though, and I’m glad I have her in my life.
Thanks again for sharing your thoughts.
MultipleMe
10/30/18
It be octbr. I be thino u uer lots. I ned her. I ned to tok to her
I windr if her evn membr my name
Proble not
I iwas membr her
I miss her offis
I miss her calring book and toys her had for me
I miss her play with my har
I miss wen we play legos wehn i cud t tok we act stuf out
Imiss how her owas ther on thersdas at 4:30 no matr wot evn bizzy days
I miss her so much my hrt ake ao big
I jus ned to tok
Proble her hav fogot me
But i dont fogot her
I’m sorry you’re missing this person, Mae. How fun it must have been to get to play legos! And have her stroke your hair sounds so compassionate and kind. I bet you made such an impression on her that there’s no way she has forgotten you. We make impressions on our therapists like they make impressions on us. So I bet she remembers and thinks about you.
I hope your heartache goes away and that it’s replaced or soothed with another caring soul.
MultipleMe
10/8/18
Our hearts are broken 💔 Pretty sure we are losing our Therapist because of a change in insurance!!
Don’t know what else to say 😓😓😓
feeling major regrets.
sunday is 18 years since first appointment with ex therapist.
i wish i could go back in time 18 years ago and tell the person we were back then to turn around, not get in the car, and never even go say hello to her. never try to trust an outsider
should have never started therapy.
she lied the very first sesson. she told a story about her “aunt” but we already knew it was a story that therapists tell. should have told her to quit lying. and then never said anything again. should have known better. everything that came out of her mouth was a lie. a trick.
so stupid, we were so stupid. if we would have never walked in that stupid office of hers she would have never of dumped us . and things could have stayed buried. where they belong.
Jessie, we hate being tricked, too. Part of our vigilance is to protect against being tricked.
We don’t think you’re stupid. We think you made the bravest choice: self-care. You were/are the vulnerable one. You entrusted yourself to T’s care.
Life’s experiences are rich. Most aren’t all good or all bad. Do you think maybe even horrible experiences can have a silver lining?
No, we don’t think you’re stupid. You are practicing helping your insiders. You care. Your intentions are pure. You are still innocent and good. 6/9/18
i miss her to. i need to talk to her to. i need to talk. i wish she still wanted me. my heart hurts.
I have experienced this a couple of times. It’s really jarring and painful. Usually I don’t feel angry personally, but there is anger felt by someone inside. One therapist I’ve never have been able to contact again; the other let’s me txt her every once in a while. It’s amazing how important the relationship becomes. And it’s exhausting to think of starting over again. I’m with a new therapist right now. Well, it’s been 8 months. So hard still for us to trust. Which is weird because everyone still comes bubbling out but kind of in a desperate way. Anyway, I don’t think I’d be so sad to leave this therapist. Is that bad?
Haveparts
5/20/18
Haveparts, could it be you’ve tempered your expectations or made it a healthy relationship in which you’re less enmeshed with T? That could be healthy. Unless your T sux lol. 5/21/18
I miss her. I need her. I ned to tok to her. 🙁 ther he so mene things i ned to tell her
My psychiatrist of 39 years is retiring. He has been with me since I was 14 years old. First time I met him was in a hospital emergency room. I had tried to kill myself but I was found before I died. He was very kind to me. Always has been. He has stayed with me through some pretty had times. I am going to miss him so much.
I have to find someone to replace him and so far no luck. I see him for the last time in June. It just really hurts and I needed a place to say it. Thanks.
Wow Insideones … I hear your hurt. Time to grieve and celebrate the 39 years you had. Thank you for sharing it here. We are here to support you in this difficult transition.
ME+WE
05/11/2018
Thank you ME+WE, I want to make him something to say thanks. Any ideas? Anyone?
Hi Insideones,
I think that is very nice that you want to make your T something to say thanks. I think something small is always best so he can put it somewhere in a drawer to pull out now and then and remind him of you. Actually, I think that the very best is to make him a card, maybe have your little ones do the artwork – colouring, a collage of pictures representing your insiders, your life together, your hopes and dreams, etc. Then compose a nice letter that speaks to your 39 years working together, how you have learned and healed, how important he was in that process, in your life, etc. I really think that words from the heart that tell him how important that he was/is to you is the best gift that you can give to him. It is something that he can pull out and read over and over again as the years go by.
Just my thoughts.
ME+WE
05/12/2018
I hope you found something. We had to say goodbye to ours after 22 years. We all worked on a quilt together. She new that most of us like to quilt. so we made two identical ones. For the front on the backside we chose to make them individualized. She made my backen and We made hers. Although We have a new therapist now going on 4 years we cherish that quilt.! whenever things get overwhelming. When the husband died In January 2017 we had that quilt in church we held that quilts for the wake. She was the first one we called when he die and the kids .didn’t call the current therapist we called her right away. She. Came to the services and we have talk to her and seen her a few times.
Oh my dear, dear Kennedy. You are never too much for us here. You are a beautiful, caring, sweet, loving soul who has brought incredible honesty, sharing and wisdom to our community. I am always willing to hear ANYTHING that you want to say to us. Nothing is too much and EVERYONE in your system is cared about, valued and welcomed here. Speaking your truth can be terrifying and old messages can click in to tell you that it is not right to talk. But it is right and good and honoured and respected here please know that.
I have a couple of busy days ahead. I wish I could write more but please know that we are here for you — I am here for you. I want you to know that you are not alone. I am walking with you. I will keep encouraging you to move forward. I will sit and hold space for you when things get too much. I will pick you up when you fall. And I will rejoice with you when you move forward.
You are a precious star in my constellation of friends Kennedy (both face-to-face and virtual friends by the way). Know that you matter to me — every part of you!
Sending warm hugs, positive loving energy and a big MEOW,
ME+WE
04/21/2018
Me+We,
You always make me feel so cared about. You guys here have been my anchor to this world for a while now. I am grateful for your friendship and support. I hope I can get out of my own head long enough to show you I can give love and support to you all too.
PS. Have you seen your memes yet? They are truly beautiful. Just like you. Thank you my friend. I hope your busy days go smoothly.
Kennedy,
Thank you for your kind words. You continually offer love and support in everything that you write here dear friend. I too am immensely grateful for our friendship and all of the support that we share with one another.
What once tore us down, now builds us up in our amazing community of compassionate hearts, wise and creative minds, and kindred spirits. We are the bedrock upon which our monumental healing will reach infinite possibility.
Oh … and yes I saw the memes – simply awesome what we all create together here!
ME+WE
04/23/2018
4/20/18
Maybe we should rename our system Trigger. This will be a long and rambling post but I feel the need to speak it out loud as best I can. Even though writing is not out loud. I want out loud, I get now why using our vocal cords and hearing our voice makes everything real. I dont want to be afraid anymore of telling who I really am. Who we are. How we are. It’s so scary to be out loud honest. We are not well. Matter of fact, if I were to tell the truth, I would say I’m worried about us.
Our system switched. Besides the fronts, everyone inside is different. As are the places and times. We system switch at different times of year. When anniversary dates come up for one group and pass by in another. I’ve found we have three groups internally. The fronts who are aware of here and now and have more continuity of life, the darkness which is family plus others that are coldly callously calculatingly cruel, and the ones that are up now.
I want to be brave and tell. But, I find my mind going to other memories. Specifically the one most recent and life altering. I went to group the other day and I can’t remember why I even started telling, I cant remember everything I said, I remember the shaking was uncontrollable. I remember feeling like I hear what I’m saying through a violently vibrating tunnel. I dont have any idea what I must have looked like to the others, I dont know if I said too much. After telling what I did I listened to the clock ticking. I dont know how long it took for someone to break the silence but the facilitator finally did. I dont want to go back to the group. I think that must have been too intense for everybody.
I think maybe I should be afraid of who I am. When I could sorta glance around the room at the others their faces were slack and they were avoiding looking up. I was the first at the door when it was all over and hid in the bathroom until I knew they would not have to ride the elevator with me. I think I can remember why we isolate. What I said wasn’t even anything from childhood or anything. It was about what caused us to run away from Dallas after living there 13 years. Packed our car with what would fit and Ocho and ran as far as was safe doing so. We cannot drive long distance without battling severe dissociation, which doesn’t lend itself to long car rides. 4 hours was 3 more than what was safe but we made it back to where we came from before we ran to Dallas.
I dont think we said anything inappropriate. Just intense. I feel a very bad shame. Maybe we’re too broken to be around other people. The anniversary of what happened to make us run is coming. This anniversary is a fronts issue but it wakes up all sorts of past issues. I wish the other system would go back to sleep. The fronts have so so so many issues that are up and very hard to cope with. I cant focus on them except in glimpses and I cant do everything. I wish my old T was still working. He was our anchor for when more than one internal world was crashing down around us. He helped us not get lost forever. I haven’t made an appt with a new one and wont any time soon. We are supposed to go to this group on Wednesdays, so if we dont make it next Wednesday that will be our answer to if we can ever go back.
Talking out loud does make it real and it helps grounding in some internal way. Maybe I should add it would be good if it happened when the intensity can be controlled and we have the ability to edit our words. I saw the looks on their faces and I know its because of what I/we said and how we must have looked. We are too intense. Weird and act crazy and say things that makes others very uncomfortable. I dont want to go back anymore. But I do. But I feel heartbroken and lost and afraid of myself. And bad. I feel very bad.
Hello Kennedy,
I understand at least to some degree your being afraid of your intensity. I don’t go to group – don’t have the nerve yet, despite the fact there isn’t even one around here in my area anyway.
It is hard for me “talk” sometimes – not so much that I am “afraid to” – stuff just doesn’t seem to come out right. Thank goodness my T lets me email her anytime – she reads them at her own pace and IF she wants to – she knows it’s my way of “processing” things to see where I am at and it gives her more insight into how my system works. I try to only email her concerning triggerings that I am struggling with because we see them as “clues” to whatever my “mystery story” is. I am like her own real-life “Mystery Novel” we are “reading” through – it helps to keep the really rough spots from feeling like “end of the world” and more like part of an “adventure story” we are working through!
If I kept this “journal” only to myself – it is still too, too easy for me to think I am making it all up – and trying to “talk” it all out in a session is just not working for me – there are too many “scattered” pieces that don’t fit together right in an Outside conversation – it is hard for an Outsider’s brain to follow….so I “write” it. After a “talking” session I can walk out of there frustrated because of all the other “pieces” or “clues” I should have said – but didn’t. There is too much and it is “scattered”. If I write it out, SHE has it and if TWO of us have the info it is harder for me to “deny” that I ever felt it.
Intensity scares me as well. After dealing with continual “lower level”- somewhat manageable – triggers at work – my boss asked me a question that ended up suddenly being the “straw that broke the camel’s back”…….so NOT good….I suddenly am “watching myself” in hysterics – panicking about not having been able to follow a particular “rule” because of “fear of failure” to follow other “rules”.
It had been building, but everything suddenly all clashed against each other and I didn’t know what I was “supposed” to do. My boss – (and me) – are standing there watching me pacing back and forth 90 miles an hour, hyper-talking when I COULD talk, shaking like a leaf, and obviously making NO sense whatsoever to an Outsider…but it was SO, SO clear to my Insiders – I was in “danger” and I was in full-blown panic – and I couldn’t figure out how to pull out of it.
Even though I had previously told him “a bit” about me to make him aware I am dealing with “stuff” – this was so out of the blue for him he just shut down, walked away and left me standing there trying to figure out where I was. I don’t know if he walked away because of disgust – or simply because he didn’t know what else to do – but the waves of rejection, betrayal, abandonment and vulnerability that hit me were not fun to deal with.
It even now feels like it was some weird Twilight Zone dream, but it must not have been a dream because I still feel “humiliation and a lot of shame”….I feel like I am now the “secret conversation in the work grapevine” and everybody basically looks at me out of the side of their eyes (paranoia???). I have no idea “where I am at” with anything – and there is no way to get answers without opening up a “can of worms” that may not even exist anyway.
Do they have ANY level of “empathy or understanding” – or do they just wish I would go away because they DON’T and don’t even WANT to understand me? – do I even need to try to find another job? So, so many unanswered questions. So I just keep going inch by inch, step by step forward (I think) through the foggy maze of my life….So many of my Insiders are full of questions – and I have no answers to give them. I wish I knew how to get answers – especially Outside answers. It seems such an easy thing for other people – why is it so hard and so scary for me?
Another day – I think I still have a job! Haven’t seen a “pink slip”…. One down – 49,000 answers to go!!!
Hang in there, Kennedy! We are going to make it! We are still going forward!
Thank you for saying this MissyMing! You went back to work after such a scary time?? I gotta say that is very very brave. I get so caught up in the fears I will find anything, any way I can to run. I’m just going to group where all the women are trauma survivors and have been battling the paranoia ever since. Over time, I sure would like to know how you managed to settle the fears and thoughts and paranoia, if you want to share. I’m glad you have your T to write to. I can understand how talking gets so difficult and confusing and how hard it is to include all the information when its scattered in pieces inside. And the out of body experience of watching yourself pace. I understand that very well too. You are very very brave. You can say you have to keep your job but that’s not it. It’s bravery. I think I’m gonna go back and check to see if my obsessive paranoia is right or maybe we can let it go.
We hear the shame is partially at least due to perception of others’ perceptions. Kennedy, maybe in your reliving the trauma of which you spoke to the group, they were thinking of their own traumas or their fears to speak or awe at your power and bravery to speak.
That’s what it means to be awesome. You are awesome!
You know a lot about your system and your needs. You fight yous a lot. Can you listen to the wisest most effective parts at self-care? They will steer you. They know how to use sun by day and stars by night to keep you from running aground.
You are awesome. We see you. And we love you. 4/21/18
Hey T.Clark,
Yeah, my perception of others’ perceptions of us is almost always negative. I really dont know at all what they thought. I know I would not feel the way I think they do in this same situation if another told an abusive memory. That’s true. I do fight us a lot. That’s true too. I will try to listen better for those who can guide us in healthier ways than I can. Thank you. We love you too. 🙂
My therapist and I had a big falling out. One week she would be ok and the next week she would lay into us, more specifically one of us. She gave me an ultimatum and we did not choose her out of anger and we had already lost a spouse 8 months earlier. The last thing we needed was to have this happen. I needed more support, not less. I was attempting to get more support, that was a part of the conflict. The anger has been incredible. My kids were not allowed to say good bye. She supposedly loved us and now she won’t even speak to us. It is confusing and crazy. I have had a number of therapists and I have never had one end like this one did. She was the one who was bright enough to diagnose us and now she isn’t even a part of our lives. It is like what happened. I apologized for what happened, for the angry alter. Her response was an angry face. We are kind of spinning. If this doesn’t make any sense it makes just as much sense to us. No ability to work things out. *^%$!
I am so sorry for your loss. I understand what you are saying about T problems. It sucks. It is confusing enough to get a diagnoses, but now to start over, I feel for you.
Angry, you deserve love and understanding. We hope you receive that from us and your parts.
Ts are people. They—like all of us—will fuck up. That sucks, right?
You sound resilient and full of life. And cartoon swearing (&!*%) is about the most beautiful expression our angry part (AJ) has ever seen.
4/4/18
Hi Angry,
Wow … that is really awful. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Maybe it is not exactly the end of the relationship? Maybe you both just need a cooling off period?
I certainly can understand how things feel out of control and how your littles are sad that they did not get to say good bye. Maybe they could write their good byes here.
Take extra special care of yourself right now.
ME+WE
04/04/2018
i want to talk to our docter frend but they wont let me. we alon in the dark by ourself and demons skreem heer other evil childrin skeem i skered they comming for to laf and kill me
Oh my little b … it sure does sound scary where you are. I am so sorry that you are feeling in such darkness with scary sounds. Maybe you are thinking about things that happened before. Maybe you can ask for some help from some of the big folks in your system? Maybe they will help you see that you are safe now. Maybe they will help you to talk to the doctor. It would be nice if you could.
You are not alone little b. You can always come to this safe place when things are feeling scary and tell us about it okay. Maybe you would like to go to the snuggle room that I made for some of my little insiders. You can bring pillows and blankets and stuffed animals … well, anything that you would like to bring that would help you feel safe and cozy. If you do not have a pillow or blanket or stuffed animal, I have lots that I can share with you. Are there other things that you would like to bring to the snuggle room to help you feel safer?
Your friend,
ME+WE
03/30/2018
It’s no wonder so many people give up on therapy. I’m gonna vent. It wont be pretty. It probably will be long. I will try to keep it appropriate…
So, we went to the new group today. Really liked the other group members. Absolutely not liking this new T.
This group is not a DID specific trauma recovery group but within a few minutes I spotted one other person who very well may have it. I personally believe it’s pretty easy to see in others but I don’t go around blurting out anything because who knows if they know and I don’t want to scare them. Also, she was new to the group today too. And plus, I wasn’t gonna say anything about us.
We took turns talking. The people who have been there said what they did and us new people were allowed to tell about ourselves. Okay and good so far…
Then the other new person was telling about her recent struggles and how hard everything has been for her lately and this new T kinda went on some weird wild tangent that pissed me off. She said that therapists (she included all therapists) want to control conversations because its hard for them to hear the shit (she said shit) that people tell them. Their stories are hard to hear and therapist take that home with them and have problems. She said all kinds of horrendously inappropriate things that, in a nutshell, shut down this other person who was reaching out for understanding and support. Instead this new T person came across, its how I took it, as needing people to take care of her feelings. She basically said she can’t handle hearing it so the clients have to hide what they are really going through to make her feel okay.
Then, at some point, she called both the new people (this poor other lady and us) out. She said we both interviewed her for 15 minutes! As if this is a bad thing! I asked her questions about her experience in our initial session to get a feel of how much actual knowledge she has. She told the entire group something that was between us. It doesn’t matter to me if it was benign. And, I corrected her right then and there. She announced that a couple others in the group were her individual clients and asked them to tell us something good about her! She didn’t ask that to give us confidence in her, she said it in a way that made me think she was feeling defensive and she put those other people on the spot.
Good thing is one person said she has a different individual T than this one and without thinking about it I said something about how I want a male therapist. I work better with men because I can get into control issues pretty quick with women and it’s not something I have the energy for. I actually said that and I asked how I go about getting a male T at this facility. Which offended this new T person and honestly I don’t care. I don’t have the energy or the patience to talk to someone I can run circles around in sessions. I know far more than she does and it’s obvious. I need someone who is willing to hear my ‘shit’ without trying to shut us down or make us feel bad. And I need someone who has the ability to keep what we say to them privately, private!
I feel so bad for the other new client who seems to me to be new to all of it. I will go back. I liked the others and think we can have some deeper conversations and all that. I have no idea how to handle this therapist though. Glad we will not be seeing her again in individual. Have a feeling we’re gonna be butting heads in group. Don’t know how to deal with that. Hope she doesn’t say something that makes us snap and switch and I lose control of responding to her. I don’t like what she said about us but I think we feel more protective of the other new person. I wish the T could understand that just because we are new to her does not mean we are brand new to it all. And I wish she had a clue to what HIPAA and privacy laws are about. And ethics. Man!
Venting over. Thanks for listening. I didn’t tell everything but with what I did say, am I wrong in some way? Off the mark? Would anybody else be upset over this? Maybe it’s just me. I don’t think so. If you wouldn’t mind responding…what do you think?
Wow, Kennedy, it sounds like the T in group has some issues of her own. It sucks that she effectively shut down the other member from sharing – to me that’s what it’s all about! I personally have been triggered in group by “difficult” subjects, but I think that this is part of the healing process. If the T is skilled, she should be able to handle a “switch” and be able to cool things down. I think you are right to be concerned about her putting others on the spot. It does sound like she got a little defensive. I wonder if the T is just at a bad point in her career, and make a mistake during group.
Could you write out a statement to her, and privately address her? Such as I felt ___________ when you said ___________. I feel worried that _________ may continue, and the group member won’t get treatment for her stuff. I appreciate your willingness to work with me in this issue I am having. I have difficulties with ________________ and it is something I want to work through. I want to continue in group, if possible. Do you have any thoughts on how we can make this happen?
Thanks for your response, DK.
I will take that advice and write it out. I may copy your words cuz it’d be easier and better for me to have guidenance. thanks again.
Having the courage to start with new therapists and a new group is big. But then hearing a therapist say those things can make going seem not worthwhile. Dont give up. The group is for the members. I’m sorry it’s not going like you want it to. I can understand the frustration. You have a lot to give to others and you belong.
Thank you all for responding to us. For the support and encouragement. We go back and forth, up, down, and all around in how we are dealing with things. We are so grateful for the kindness and understanding we read in your responses.
You are so brave to write this post. I am so proud to be here with you, feeling this too. You can do this. It will take time, but you can and you will.
-DK 3/13/18
i wish we lived close to you Miss Kathy.
Im so pissed off. We went to the new T today. I dont want to do this all over again! She asked us our previous diagnoses. I FROZE! I didn’t tell her about us. I couldn’t. Who knows how she’d react. I have no idea if she even has any clue how to deal with it. Or even believes in it. I cowarded out. I got stuck in my throat and the white noise buzz pounding in my ears and chest. Got switchdizzy. I have no idea what I said to her except a lot of nothing. Babbling. All I could hear myself say was babbling. I dont know! Goddamnit!
I dont want to have to go through all this again. I want my old t back. I am soooo pissed off at him for leaving. I know he got sick and its not his fault. But fuck. We sit in this chair doing nothing day in and day out. Just making sure we dont do anything bad. We fight. Lawrence wants to rage, Lora wants everyone to pretend everything is perfect, Seven wants to know what she did wrong, Melissa says she just wants to ‘go away’. The fronts are getting torn apart. The family receded. The darkness is awake but way back far away that no one can tell what they are up to. Most of our internal worlds have gone dark. I have no idea if they are still there. We were working to gether, getting along for the most part, even people who hate each other. Now were all getting ripped apart.
I cant tell some strange lady anything about us. I cant risk us getting rejected. It took all we had just to go. Lots of meaningless questions that we probably didn’t even answer. Im emabarrased. and feel ashamed. and feel like we have to go into hiding.
He wrote back from our goodbye letter. I read it a hundred times. I can’t remember a word. I know I read it. I will read it again. Might as well just stare at a blank piece of paper.
Nothing is staying inside my head. No crying. No sad. No nothing.
….. — I’m so sorry. So so so so sorry.
I hear your pain, and oh my gosh, I do understand. Grief is such a powerful huge thing, and unexpectedly losing your trusted T to illness is deeply agonizing in so many ways.
It is really really really hard to start over again… and you are brave, super brave to do so.
It’s okay that you didn’t say everything today to the new person. Your whole system needs time to check them out, and y’all all need to be more sure of stuff, and they might not be ready to connect again anyway. So… while I think it was very good and very brave for you to go to your new appointment, I can certainly understand why it was so hard.
Hold tight to your inside people, and do what you can to comfort each other in your heartbreak. Everyone is so so so so sad… and it’s really tough right now.
Glad you’re here, and glad you’re writing. You’ve got people here that care about you.
Sorry it hurts soooo much — wish I could give you a hug.
Sending gentle kindness to all of your people …
Warmly,
Kathy
., we agree with Kathy that you were brave to go.
Trust takes time. Expectations are the enemy of progress. Maybe get up off the floor, put one foot in front of the other, and pay attention to the view as it passes. If you have expectations, you’ll see only what you’re looking for. If you look with your real eyes, you’ll see what is there. Maybe practice appreciating what is there.
I’ve been trying to tell this to ourselves, so offering it to you helps us, too. 3/13/18
I am so sorry to that you are having to say goodbye to someone you loved and trusted. It would be so incredibly hard to have to say goodbye to a therapist you worked well with. Let yourself and all parts of you grieve – in whatever way works best.
We went to a funeral one time and the Pastor talked about how different people grieve differently. And he kept repeating over and over… love, don’t judge. Love yourself and your parts through this. And don’t judge yourself or your parts for your different reactions and responses, especially to the new therapist. They are normal, healthy and appropriate. It is an incredibly difficult time. Be kind to yourself and your parts.
And you are extremely brave. I admire your courage to find someone new and your strength to continue the journey and the hard work. FWIW, I wouldn’t have disclosed DID either. It would take a lot of trust for me to get to that point. If she a good therapist she will notice the ‘switchdizzy’ and difficulties you were having and she will be patient and kind until you are ready to open up to her. Your inside people are watching and taking note. Building trust takes time.
Sending lots of warm thoughts your way
~ neo
.
I’m so sorry to read this. I can feel the pain, loss, and fear. I also detect the resolve. There is no shame in seeking support.
Maybe you could consider writing down the main concerns and fears, and sharing the paper with the new therapist.
I’d go with you if you lived close, but I don’t think so. I’m in Southern California.
Warm wishes.
Great idea Andrea!
Wish we all lived closer. 🙁
ME+WE
03/13/2018
Oh my “.”, like Kathy and T.Clark I so hear your pain, anger and frustration. I am so sad to hear you struggling so and that your insiders are so upset. It is okay to have all of these feelings, to be mad at your old T and to feel sad, scared, frustrated and worried about starting with a new T
Going to a new T is certainly not an easy thing to do. No, that took super powers to do. You may not remember much of it and may have been a bit switchy but you did it! Now, I am so sorry to hear you say that you feel embarrassed and ashamed because I feel such admiration, respect and awe for what you did. I think that you and the others in your system are amazing for having gone through with the appointment. Simply awesome!
Now, I do hear and understand how this has been a major upset to everyone that you share space with in your system. Oh and I know the darkness. I hear the wolves howl in my head and I know that darkness is coming. It is painful and scary and paralyzing. Please let us help be a tiny light for you so that maybe you can see that you have a safe place to go to, folks that really understand and care about you, and somewhere that you can be all of who you are without embarrassment or shame.
You are wanted here. You are valued here. You do not have to stay in the darkness here. You are welcomed here with warm hearts and gentle hugs.
Your humble friend,
ME+WE
03/13/2018
Finding a new T continuing saga…
Since Dr. T got sick, the week after Halloween last year (2017), and retired we have tried to do individual t twice. We had a referral from him that didn’t pan out and two weeks ago we stopped seeing the one person we know would have been an awesome t for us. What I know…
This guy had all the right ideas. He has IFS knowledge, he believed that DID exists, he didn’t lose his sh*t and write us off as psychotic when we talked about our inside worlds. He was intelligent and kind. He had facial hair (trigger) and his voice was loud. Maybe he seemed loud because we haven’t heard voices coming from outside our head in months. He was right there with us when I told him about parts and alters and imaginary friends and forgetting and being here but the knowledge I should have will go away. etc. etc. He didn’t seem too phased by anything.
We saw him once. Just one time. I read an email, sent by another alter to him, that told him off! Complained about several things and told him several other things that were over-the-top completely out of control. Why? Why? I wanted to know why “we” (I didn’t know anything was wrong, but still “we”) would say such things and why, why, why to this guy who seemed pretty perfect as far as meeting him just once goes. Over the past two weeks I kept getting overlays (visions of him but also of someone else mixed with him. does that make sense?) and bad pains in my head. Bad. Got sick and dizzy and migraines. Apparently this guy reminds someone else of someone outside from the past. Enough to go off on this guy. Enough to completely destroy any chances of saying sorry and dismissing the rant, and continuing treatment with him.
The problem, besides saying things mean and hateful and disrespectful, is that there are very few T’s that we meet and, right off the bat, think we could get along with and work with and let them be a part of our worlds enough to help us. Another problem is I think there are more people in our system that compare anyone to Dr. T, which causes problems. And, I think there are insiders who are angry and bitter and sad still. And, yet another problem…we need help. We need the weekly sessions of talking with an outsider who is willing to deal with a complicated client.
It’s been seven months since we last saw Dr. T. We were in a place that part-time work was coming closer to reality, but that ended. We were getting out of the apartment more and it was becoming a common thing to do, instead of our 3-hour-a-month outside our apartment shopping trip. In the past month we have left our apartment twice. We don’t donate plasma anymore. It gave us extra cash so we didn’t have to worry about groceries and had some money for books and Starbucks and thrift stores. We went to a group irl for a while. Quit that. Our outside world exists again as it did for four solid years. Isolation. Even worse, we no longer have Ocho (who we had for those 4 years) or Missy (who was someone we loved and who needed us). Doing the best we can is doing less than we did. Far less. It worries me for us. Sinking further and further back. Trying therapy is not working, trying irl groups is not working, cant work, dont do church, have no hobbies, cant be around outside people long enough to get past all the reasons why we dont like being around outside people. They talk out loud! The noise hurts my head. It’s too bright out there, too loud, too much commotion, too much bigness. We live in a self-made sensory deprivation chamber. Outside is too much!!!!! NOBODY gets that. We were doing better. A lot better. Cant have the tv on, too much of everything. Cant have music, triggering (any kind of music). The air conditioner cycling off and on is driving me crazy, so is the refrigerator motor, so is the dehumidifier cycles. Took the batteries outta all the clocks two years ago. And the lights….f*ck.
Long story short, I’m going crazy. We need outside help and we can’t tolerate looking for it. LOL
Hello Dear Kennedy Folks,
WOW … settling into a new T has been so terribly rough for you. From what I am hearing, you like the new T that you saw two weeks ago but some insiders are rebelling and causing potential problems. That is understandable given how attached you all were to Dr. T and how abandoned, sad and hurt some Kennedy folks might feel about his retiring so suddenly. I am sure that there are other Kennedy folks who do not trust that anyone will be there for them or maybe just push away because they do not want to be hurt again. Oh, there can be so many, many reasons for their rebellion, fear and sadness. It is also hard because some of these folks may be little ones and little-one-logic can be quite challenging to sort out and understand sometimes. Well, suffice to say that there is a lot of turmoil and some folks who just want to give up rather than deal with it all.
Hum … now it sounds to me like you feel that there may be potential with the new T but one of your insiders emailed and went off on him. I am sure that this is not the first time that this T has experienced such an outburst from a client. Maybe the thing to do is just email him, apologize for what the insider said and explain what happened. Now, he may not opt into working with the potential of insiders who act out but I am thinking that, if he is truly someone who cares about working with DID folks, he will understand. My T tells me that everyone in my system is welcome and reassures me that she is strong enough in her own skin to be able to handle anything that my insiders may try to throw at her. I suspect that this new T of yours may be the same. If nothing else, what do you have to loose? He can say no that he does not want to work with you. Well, that is not anything different then what you are now living. But, he may say yes and that would give you the opportunity to work through this impasse and work with a new T that can help you. You deserve to give yourself a chance to find a new T Kennedy and not let the inside folks who are resistant keep you away from that opportunity. It may take a bit of a battle but I know that you are super strong … hell, you survived this long and have been incredibly fearsome and resilient!!!
Now, I am really concerned about you not getting out of the apartment. I would encourage you to take tiny steps getting out of the apartment and into the outside world. I understand how everything just assaults your senses right now. I really do get that. When you are feeling triggery, you are hyper aware of the environment. That means that any little wisp of wind can feel grating and painful on your body. That is your body and mind in hyper vigilance — a kind of flashback of sorts keeping your senses on this super heightened alert for danger. Then the everyday things of life (like people talking, traffic noises, music, smells, movement, etc.) all become way too much — amplified to the point of driving you crazy it feels like. So, you need to try to turn the dial down on that amplification. I do this with meditation. I am not saying that this is easy. It is like having a continuous anxiety attack. So, first you need to try and get yourself grounded, slow down your breathing, slow down your heart rate, slow down your mind. Maybe do a mindful progressive muscle relaxation starting with your toes just pouring all of your energy into feeling your toes and then work up to the top of your head all the while breathing in calm and exhaling your stress and tension. Try it just in your apartment with some music on really low and see if you cannot tolerate that and then work your way up to just going out in the hall of your building, then downstairs and then maybe outside. Just small little steps at a time to build up your tolerance and to practice keeping that dial turned down. When you are feeling up to it, maybe a journey farther afield like to the local library. That could be a place to start. You can be out with other people around but it will be quiet.
Sending you my love, positive healing energy and my sincere wish for calm and hope.
Your friend,
ME+WE
06/30/18
C4B, you wrote, “Enough to completely destroy any chances of saying sorry and dismissing the rant, and continuing treatment with him.”
Are you 100% certain? Is it already a done deal? If not, then the opposite may be true: you may not have completely destroyed any chances of saying sorry. T may be able to understand the part’s communication. The T may allow continued treatment.
Can you try simple words? “Sorry. A part was triggered. Can we still come to therapy? We’re complicated.”
It sounds frustrating to have some parts want/need one thing and others sabotage because they are committed to old ways of doing things. We feel like we understand and experience this, too.
If it is already a done deal with T–T said, “We’re done.”–then we are sorry for suggesting this. The goal was to see if you could still try, since you say you need outside help.
If it is a done deal–the T won’t see you anymore–you can still try:
You could apologize again.
You could look for a T who would see you, understand your history, be patient. Maybe it’s in your area and maybe it’s far away. Maybe you can commute or maybe you can move.
Maybe it’s unrealistic to say you can move since you are not leaving your apartment. We don’t mean to imply anything we are saying is easy.
It does seem like these amazing abilities that kept us alive are threatening our lives. We know it, right? We take steps to try to help: Ts, groups irl, reading, participating here. The more we learn and try, the more we uncover, like a series of never-ending doors to open with no knowledge of what’s behind each door and fear about what’s behind each door and hope about what’s behind each door, and feeling like we can’t open another door as we open each door, and then opening another door after another door.
Please keep opening your doors, C4B. Maybe try using your other hand to open the knob, or your feet, or your teeth, or your armpit.
What if we could open the door and have no expectation of what’s behind it. Not hoping for good and getting surprised by bad. Not dreading bad and getting relief because it’s not so bad after all. Not getting it right. Just not expecting anything. Being open that whatever is behind the door is supposed to be behind the door. What about opening the door and accepting whatever is there because it is there and was always supposed to be there?
How much less dread would there be in not expecting at all? Is doing this even possible? It sounds so soothing. Don’t expect and then accept. Right now, these may be just words. Maybe it’s something that can be tried. Why not, right?
Love you, C4B.
Hey Clark et.al.,
What does the T stand for in your name?
We always knew you are a man. We like what naturluvr said to yous about that. It only matters in that we get to know you better. But, for us, since we always thought that, we also have the happy feeling you guys (and you got one female you talk about) are feeling safe to say so. We adore yous.
We dont know what you mean by not have any expectations? We need to know they wont hurt us. We want a bunch of things in T’s, accepting us is the biggest. Maybe we expect a battle about that or something. I will show you what we wrote to this T we were talking about and his reaction, just so you can see what we said to him and maybe we are wrong that what we said was so bad we cant see him or even ask for his forgiveness even if we never see him. I think we are too too too much trouble and freak people out, but IDK…
Us: “listened to the recording our my last session and decided you are not the therapist for me.
You were late for our very first appt. You were unprepared. You were stuck on insurance issues that you kept trying to say I was worried about when in fact I was not at all worried about it. You tapped your coffee cup several times in what I thought of is impatience and intolerance, and did a heavy sigh when, what I assume, was frustration because I talking too much answering your questions. You also sort of mocked me when I was telling something about myself by saying ohh and ahhh (I have the tape if you dont believe me). You said you didn’t want me to worry that the hour would be a waste of my time. Since I never once thought that, I believe that was you projecting your feelings on to me and I told you that in the moment.
Now, I do believe that hour was a waste of my time, but not for insurance issues. I believe it was a waste of my time because of your behavior. And I also believe it was a complete disaster. If you would have owned your own feelings about your worry you would not get paid I think it would have went differently. I had to listen to the tape several times to pick up all your unprofessional and frankly rude conduct.
I was going to ghost. But decided I wanted you to know why I didn’t come back. I rate therapists online through the different sites that have rating forms. You can see what I told prospective clients about our first and last session. What I say is the truth, I have the recording to make sure.”
Him: “I am sorry to hear that, but I appreciate the honesty.
Sounds like my experience of our session was very different from yours and I was looking forward to working with you on what sounds like very challenging, life-long issues.
Best of luck in finding an appropriate therapist, I know how challenging it can be.
Kind regards.”
ps. we didn’t actually rate him online. I was just being very mean. Would you forgive that? I dont think I can. If you tell me, really, if you would be okay with talking to us again, then maybe I will get brave or something and write him. Or, idk. I dont know what expectations are besides what i think I want and what i know. So, maybe you can tell me too if im just too mean and bad.
Didn’t sound bad, C4B. Lots of protector logic evident.
Truth seems like it might make you feel better. Say how you feel in basic layers. Don’t explain your explaining. Just sorry, protective alters, didn’t rate you. Can we keep trying?
T wanted to keep going and might still.
Even if T doesn’t work with you, you may alleviate shame at what you perceive as being mean?
You are not mean. Intent to protect sounds natural to us.
T. and Clark are not real names. Clark was our fake restaurant name when we had to be on wait list: “Clark party, your table is ready.”
T. Clark was a name on a fake gravestone at the haunted house of our state fair when we were a teen lol.
Glad you knew us. We want you to.
Expectation is anticipating an outcome. When we expect to get triggered by leaving the house, we look for triggers?
If we expect nothing, not good or bad, then we see what really is. What is real. Then a helicopter becomes just a person flying a machine as their job, not something to torment us.
Just an idea. We’re gonna try it. Wife driving us to thrift store to look for clothes. 💗 7/1/18
Kennedy, we care so much about your pain. It makes total sense that losing your T would trigger all your painful losses.
You were not bad as a child, as a teen, and you aren’t bad now. There is divine in you. You are the sun, the brightest star anyone can see. You are a warrior against the pain of loss and the past. You are love, for keeping your insiders safe the best way you know how, for sharing yourself with your friends in this community.
You are hope. The Now is a safe place. The safest!
If you think it’s time, maybe a new T can help you grieve and grow and continue your healing journey. You are so worth it.
With affection,
T.Clark 2/26/18
Oh my, Kennedy and T.Clark … you two have put such a smile on my face and warmth in my heart.
To hear you talking so positively about life Kennedy is such a joy to hear. I know that you will have your moments (as we all will) but you truly have made a big step forward here with your insiders and, ultimately, your healing. All any of us wants is to be heard and that goes for our insiders too – maybe especially our insiders. Oh btw … my little one Squirrel loved your description of your cat bouncing around (she LOVES animals especially cats but we are allergic to cats and dogs so cannot have any). Thank you for that image.
And T.Clark, the poetry, compassion and insight of your response was simply beautiful. I am sure that there are others here who felt the warmth and wisdom in your words as well. I feel in my heart that our shared struggles and support for one another, under the gentle watch of Kathy and Laura, makes this community a very special place.
With warm regards,
ME+WE
02/26/2018
Hi Me + We and T.Clark,
Thank you both for your kind words of love and support for us. You can’t know how much it means to us to feel your compassion and understanding in your responses to us. I can tell you this…we almost never cry. Yet, reading your responses made us feel cared about. Your gentleness and compassion gave us some of those chest tightening, face scrunchin’, heart felt tears of…i dont know the right words…we felt loved and wanted. It melts some of the hardened feels inside. Thank you.
ME+WE, you are so right on about freezing and numbing being the only tools as children we were allowed. That goes for us too. Any kind of emotional expression was dangerous. We did not hurt ourselves in any way at all. Writing is absolutely better than cutting. For Sure! We called two therapists in town a few weeks ago. I just can’t make myself take that next step. Yet. I will. But a stranger in a face to face situation would be too much for us right now. I won’t give up on going back. I think we need some more time first though.
T.Clark, i really liked what you wrote about how we are the sun and a warrior and love and hope. you really think thats true? i want to believe it because i can see it inside my head and it makes me think i can be like a superhero inside. and it makes me think i can be strong and look out for the others. it would be good if we can have hope and maybe we can give hope to you too. to all of our new friends here. i dont have alot to give but i would be a good friend to you and to Me+We and to everyone if you wanted me to.
thank you guys for writing to me and being my friends too.
elizabeth anne
Yes, Elizabeth Anne, we want to be your friends!!
Yes,you are a superhero in our eyes. You do hard, amazing things! You survive in ways mere mortals cannot.
For us, you shine because you’re the sun.
Remember, you can do challenging things 2/27/18
Hi Kennedy, Elizabeth Anne and all the other precious Kennedy insiders,
Oh my … just want to echo what T.Clark has said here. You are all super duper heroes and you battled vicious villains in your life. Together you have the super powers of courage, strength and survival. You are AWESOME! And, I so agree with T.Clark that, you shine your light of vulnerability, compassion, wisdom, and courage every time that you write here.
I want to share a little thing that I wrote in my journal because this is how I see you dear friend —
I will slay the dark forces of the thieves of innocence with the healing light of self-love and strike down the evil that creeps into my mind and heart from the time of lost dreams. I wear the shiny armour of understanding, carry the shield of healing, and wield the sword of courage to fight for my rebirth. I am a warrior. I am a survivor. I am the visionary of my destiny.
Remember that Kennedy – you are a warrior, a survivor and the visionary of your own destiny.
BTW — I hear that you need to take some time out right now and not launch into another relationship with a new T. Just know that we are here to support you in any way that we can.
You have A LOT to give Kennedy (and already have). I am honoured to be your friend!
ME+WE
02/27/2018
i love that. i can see it in my head. i wish i could paint better because i would make me look like that in a painting. a warrior with a shield that’s got a sun on it. our own star. and a sword that never misses and protects innocents. it would glow where nobody around can penetrate it who’s got evil intentions. that would be really good.
thanks for talking to me too and for being my friend too. 🙂
elizabeth anne
You have painted a beautiful picture in my mind Kennedy! 🙂
Always happy to talk with you Elizabeth Anne and so happy to be your friend. You know “Elizabeth” is my all time favourite girl’s name! 🙂
ME+WE
02/27/2018
We’ve been holding on, waiting for four months now for him to come back. Reminds us of the mother leaving us in the hospital and moving to another state so she wouldn’t have to take us back when we were put there for cutting. It was really bad then. It hurt so much for her to throw me away. Because I was bad. I hurt myself and had to go get stitches. I didn’t tell anyone anything. She told them I did it because I wanted a car for my birthday that was 6 months before. I didn’t tell them anything at all. She left me there anyway. I never saw her again. I have feelings. sometimes i really want to hurt myself again so those feeling would go away. but i dont. we sit here. writing is better than cutting. it hurts though. everything seems to hurt these days. i know he cant help being away. i know he cant help it if he never comes back. he said he’d be back but we dont think he will anymore and even though its been months we havent felt too much because he said hed be back. so we were waiting and now i feel dumb. and stupid. i just sit here now though becuase i dont want to feel anything in my body its numb now i feel frozen and im scared and im sad. and i want to hurt myself for feeling bad. i should know better and it doesnt make any difference what i feel anyway. i never got to see my little brother and sister again after that. sometimes when i dream i dream of them still being as little as they were when we were gone. sometimes i wonder if i died. that can be possible. sometimes i dont know whats real. if i am, if out there is. nothing really feels real and i cant tell. im okay. we are okay. just as long as we sit here and know when is when now is not then he is not them, am i her. idk. idk anything.
*We are okay. I want to let them write if they want. I dont want anyone to worry. Getting it out and having people understand is what they/we need.* ty
Hello Kennedy,
Well dear friend (and all of your sweet insiders that wrote here), I so hear your pain and struggles. How courageous of you to tell us about how your mother abandoned you and how you have worked so very hard to keep going (and to not hurt yourself). Keep putting that one-foot in front of the other on this often-perilous journey that we are on to understanding, growth and healing. You are not walking your path alone. I want you to know that I am here, I see you, I hear you and I so very much value you and all of your insiders. Life has no guarantees but I can tell you that I have no plans to abandon you here. I will keep holding space for you as long as I am able to and as long as you continue writing here. And YES, writing is so very much better than cutting. Please, I really do not want you to hurt beautiful you!
I can see how and why it is so gut wrenching and numbing for you waiting helplessly as your T struggles with his health issues and his therapy practice. I really feel in my heart that you need some stability and a T that can be there for you now … not just a maybe in the future. Now, I really do not like you calling yourself dumb and stupid Kennedy because you are not. It is not dumb or stupid to listen to your T and hope that he will return again like he said that he would. He no doubt sincerely thought that he would be able to continue with your therapeutic relationship but obviously things have changed for him … and for you as a result.
A long time ago, we learned that freezing and numbing our feelings was the only way that we had to combat the fear and sadness that we felt. As little ones, this was the only tool that we were allowed to have to survive. So, it is only natural that this is what you would feel now, especially your little ones. The urge to hurt ourselves as punishment for daring to have feelings and then also just to feel something … oh what a crazy-making feeling that is! Hold tight and resist those hurtful messages in your head.
I know that you are okay Kennedy and that you are going to be okay. That does not mean that you are not hurting and struggling though. But you are here with some of your insiders (so happy that they are talking with us here too) and you are voicing your feeling. I big high five to you all for that!!!
Warm hugs all around to who ever is okay with one.
ME+WE
02/26/2018
Okay. Ever notice that when the sun comes out and you’ve had *enough* sleep things start to look different. Maybe even better in some way.
This morning is like that for us. Allowing a couple of my internal friends to voice their feelings, and sitting still while not combating or dismissing their thoughts and feelings, has changed our internal world a bit, and for the better.
I woke up this morning without the darkness engulfing me. I have our windows open with the shades pulled back, getting some fresh air in the apartment. Plus, the rain and clouds have moved on so our cat Missy has been leaping like a little sheep. You know, both front feet then back feet, bouncy bouncy. The tidal waves of grief are waning. YAY. 🙂
Not gonna say we won’t have our moments of sadness still but I think we have turned a corner. Still working on an art project to show how far we’ve come.
It’s gonna be a good day.
We wish a good day for you all as well.
🙂
This is a really great and needed topic to discuss! I lost my dear therapist of 17 years to cancer. It was SO difficult! We had maybe 5 sessions to say our goodbyes. She lived for several more years but scaled way back in her practice, and eventually closed it down before she died. I miss her so much and I still dream about her. My last session withe her was about 10 years ago. Fast forward to the present. My current therapist will be retiring in June. I’ve seen her for 10 years. She’s helped me through many major times of crisis. When I see her, we mostly talk about her retirement, and how I’m feeling ab out it. I’m not doing well with it at all. She says I’m regressing but I can’t help it! I don’t know how to change this! I feel very depressed and I’m so scared to lose her. I feel like I’m unraveling.
i am trying to get their stupid minds off of bitchy stupid ex therapist. screw the anniversary- she isnt worth their time.
i am reading their old journal and their old forum where they posted TONS of stuff about how bad sessions went with ex t and all the absolutely ridiculous, awful things she said to them all the time. some of what this lady did was helpful. but most was not.
there are pages and pages on line where the pilgrim people wrote about how bad they were doing after sessions and being so frustrated trying to perfectly follow all of that ladys rules. who the hell needs that? i am GLAD that lady dumped them. i was sick and tired of all their whining and crying and trauma and anorexia stuff. They dont need to be having ANY feelings. let alone about that woman.
today i been reading some things rhat thw grown up writed on there old forum. of stuff that happend after stupid x t left
there be some stuff we made arselfs foget about.
like the week after S dumpt us the man we marryed had a bad infecshon and could of died. and then a good friend of ours died. and then a student died. and then are dad and sister got very sick. and then we had to get moved to a new school job. and we had to handol all that by arselfs because we had no talker person.
and like they wroted how after stupid S left us that we tried going to 7 diffrent therapists. whitch was dumb.
there did be a nice lady at church but her fee was too high. and some ladys who suposbly new about DID but they didnt and were offul to mae and mindy and missy. and a couple of totally horribol Ts that Missy walked out on in the 1st seshon.
. But we didnt really want any one else .
and we did be so deep inside arselfs all the time that we couldnt feel connected to anyone else in the hole world. we did all go way inside for such a long time.
i wish i could talk to S too. her hardly ever talked to me mabey 2 times ever. but i wish i could tell her a hole bunch of stuff. and i wish i could tell her how sorry we be. 🙁
but also i wish we could tell her that we found someone LOTS LOTs better than her that we like lots more. and i wish i could tell her i miss her cozy office, we like cozy offices. and i wish i could just give her 1 more hug. and then say goodbye to her forever.🙁
the aniversary be in 7 days. it feel like forever ago. but also feel like it just hapend.
the anniversary of getting dumped is in like 10 days or something.
caden wants us to move on but we still dont know how
She says she doesnt want us to be like this even ten years plus one more day.
i dont know why we dont get it. why we cant just forget her.
mae been crying at night again. also because someone else we love is leaving town the same day as the a niversary of getting dumped. and it feels like being dumped all over again even tho we know it isnt like that but we are scared it will be lile that.
and why do i still even wish i could go visit sharon one more time and talk to her when i KNOW she didnt care, i KNOW she wouldnt give a shit what is going on with us, we KNOW.
i dont want to think of her anymore, i dont want us to be upset over her anymore. i dont want her to have that kind of
power over me or mae or anyone inside. 🙁 we just cant figure out why we are so stuck especially becuse we know its stupid to even waste our time thinking over her.
Missy
😢 i hate it wen pepl lev from mae
All The Jill People,
I can so hear the pain in your heart and that horrid feeling of being abandoned.
I think others here have mentioned that special stigma of being DID or MPD even among the mental health care field. I get that we are complicated and that we have some specific issues but isn’t that why we are seeking help in the first place? It is hard enough to carry the burden that we do let alone try to find a T who will help our own.
Although I have not been “released” by a mental health therapist I have been rather kicked to the curb a number of times by surgeons. The emotional storm that hit me after the last surgeon went from “I can help you…here is the game plan” to not being willing to see me was stunning. There was a lot of inner chaos. Still is there, under the surface.
And yet we keep persevering. We keep hoping and trying and putting one foot in front of the other.
I’m sorry you are going through this. And I’m glad you are here.
Do not give up hope, All The Jill People.
There are many complicated things involved in all of this. What therapeutic ending doesn’t have that.
Julie made a comment that she was going to take what she learned from our work together as she moved forward. She said that she would never work with anyone beyond her expertise. She to,d us she is supervising therapists in her clinic.
The one thing I really want to say here is this. She might not have had the expertise. I honestly don’t think you need to be an expert to work with DID. Kathy wrote an article about what Therapists look for in a good client. I think those of us in the DID community need to get together and write what makes a good Therapist.
If Julie passes along the information that a Therapist should never ever work with DID without expertise, that leaves a bunch untreated. What needs to happen is an openness to learn. Gosh. How else can you treat any condition if you first don’t try.
I might get a bunch of people who would disagree.. but honestly.. I think I spent more time educating therapists just to get help. It was all worth it. I don’t think abandoning a client despite the reason is an appropriate decision. Not if you leave the, high and dry without someone who can take their place.
I especially don’t think that saying a therapist won’t work with a person with DID is because it isn’t in their expertise is a pathetic excuse and should never be passed to therapists in training.
I feel so hurt… as I did a year ago. Julie said I had help meaning I had Kathy. Kathy was never supposed to be my regular local Therapist. I had to go find my own without a referral. Without any real explanation about what happened. It was all so sudden and unexpected. Kathy was even shocked.
I will add that I also have a DBT Therapist. It wasn’t what I hired Julie for.
It’s over now. I really don’t feel like I was treated fairly. I also believe things could have been handled differently. I feel like the least I should have gotten was a referral that didn’t happen.
I hope that Julie won’t pass along the information that a Therapist should never work with someone beyond their expertise. That would not serve the DID community well at all. 😓
Hi All the Jill People, my heart aches for you having to go through this. I agree that a therapist doesn’t have to be a DID or trauma specialist to help. They just need to be willing to learn and like I asked my therapist…to please do not hide your big ole heart behind all that education and theory. Yes, there have been bumps and bruises on our path but we both keep learning (especially me…how to be vulnerable in a safe relationship) and keep climbing these Himalayas! I hope that your last T will not pass on info that will lead others to not want to learn and grow by working with DID. You are so brave and so giving to be willing to help therapist learn about DID and we thank you for that. Hang in there! Sending lots of peace and light to you!!
Jardin