Several people that have been reading Discussing Dissociation have made posts and comments about how enormously painful and difficult it is to lose a therapist.
There are several different ways to “lose a therapist” but for the purposes of this particular blog entry, I’d like to focus on situations where there was sudden loss.
In my years of experience, I have seen a variety of circumstances that have led to clients suddenly losing their therapist. When this happened during a long-term therapeutic relationship, the sudden loss is enormously difficult for dissociative trauma survivors.
DID survivors typically trust so few people, and there are usually very few people who are allowed to know the internal system in the way that the therapist gets to meet and know the insiders. It often takes months of regular, frequent sessions for DID survivors to start feeling the teensiest bits of trust with their therapist in the first place. It may also take years of time before some of the more vulnerable insiders experience any feelings of trust at all.
When you find a good therapist that you connect with, it’s usually pretty important to keep that therapist.
But what if something happens and you suddenly lose your therapist?
What if you lose your therapist due to
- An automobile wreck
- An assault of some kind
- An illness of some version
- An unexpected pregnancy issue
- A family member of the therapist is ill
- An unexpected “personal leave” of any kind
- An unexpected “medical leave” of any kind
- The family of your therapist has required a move to another location
In these situations, it is very difficult, but the adult parts of the survivor can often understand the need for their therapist to have stepped out of the office, even for an extended period of time. The loss is still there – and most of the internal system will likely still have enormous grief and struggles and emotional pain. The child parts and traumatized parts might blame themselves, but there will probably be someone in the system that can intellectually grasp that the sudden absence was related to an external issue, and not their fault.
But what about if you lose a therapist to one of these reasons:
- Your therapist terminates with you, even if that is not your preference
- Your therapist quits their job for any number of reasons
- Your therapist takes a new job and can’t take you with them
- Your spouse demands that you stop seeing your therapist
- Another person tells you that your therapist is “bad for you”
- Your therapist gets fired and can no longer work with you
- Your therapist decides they are no longer working with DID
What about situations where it is less externally based and more connected to you?
What does it do to the survivor to lose a therapist?
In my experience, when a DID survivor loses their therapist, especially when there is very little time for a termination or goodbye process, there is a huge emotional fall-out from the sudden loss. The therapeutic relationship is far too important to have a sudden ending, and the emotional overflow will be huge.
The DID survivor tends to:
- Act out their pain, anger, and fear in various forms of self-injury
- Be unable to move forward in other areas of healing
- Begin to either devalue or overly-pedestal the therapist (the love-hate response)
- Blame themselves or other insiders for the loss
- Cry, cry, and cry
- Experience internal system chaos, increased internal fighting, decreased internal cooperation
- Experience their internal landscapes and internal structures collapsing and the internal world may go dark, or feel unsafe and unfriendly
- Express an ongoing ambivalence towards the therapist
- Feel suicidal
- Go into a long, deep, dark, devastating depression
- Go into hiding – some of the internal parts may refuse to come back out
- Go numb – become more detached or dissociated
- Have a sudden regression in overall skills, abilities, and social interactions
- Have lots of dreams or nightmares about the therapist
- Hibernate within their own home, refusing to go out or interact with other people
- Lash out with inappropriate or excessive anger at innocent people
- Last out with inappropriate or excessive anger at the therapist
- Leave therapy, refusing to trust another therapist
- Lose hold of the positive gains they made with that therapist
- Pretend that the therapist never existed anyway
- Re-create history by remembering only the good events, making the therapist too perfect
- Re-create history by twisting events into something negative, taking comfort by believing the therapist was “a bad guy anyway”
- Refuse to truly leave the therapist alone (following from afar, maintaining contact, calling their phone, sending emails, etc)
- Spend a lot more time sitting, staring, spacing out, etc.
- Stay focused on the therapist, and their feelings about the therapist as their primary issue for an extended period of time
The termination process is as critical to the long-term health and well-being of the client as any other stage of therapy, if not more so. In fact, a very positive therapeutic relationship can become completely tainted and twisted if the termination process is not handled properly.
Cold-turkey terminations are dangerous.
I cannot stress that enough – sudden terminations are not good.!!
They are not helpful.
They are harmful and emotionally devastating for the clients, and they set up the therapists for future problems.
If your treasured therapist has to leave for any reason, take the time to have as many termination sessions as possible. The process of saying goodbye is complicated, but it is crucial to leave your therapist from a positive point of view.
Otherwise, you will experience an ongoing emotional fall-out that will extend much further into the future than you would expect.
Tread gently….
Warmly,
Kathy
If you want to learn more about Dissociative Identity Disorder, here are a few short, educational videos that will be helpful:
Copyright © 2008-2017 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
Jill Summerville Sparks,
I am so very sorry that you are going through this and that you have such sadness. I can well imagine how hard it is to come here… but please stay. The people here understand in ways that others simply are not equipped to. Let us be here for you in the ways that we can, to listen, to simply come alongside and sit with you in your sadness.
I wish I had wise words of comfort and hope. I have been there. It’s a long slow sorrow that can kind of get stuck inside like a wound that will not heal…unless we give ourselves our very best compassion and let others give you compassion, too. Don’t disappear. We all need each other.
11/16/2917
Today we said goodbye to Julie B. It’s hard to come here now. Kathy was enlisted to assist us with Julie in understanding DID and to help us as we worked with her.
Just a little over a year has gone by since Julie told us she wasn’t going to be able to work with us. She even sent an email to Kathy Broady to ask her what she should do. She was considering making just one appointment and laying this all on us.
We had formed a All the Jill team but now our the Therapist who was hired to handle the trauma was quitting the team. Julie was going to give us a few more sessions. We ended up getting a lot more and saw her about once a month.
This has been incredibly hard. We honestly don’t believe that there is a right way to end a relationship with a therapist. This hurts just as bad and everything in Kathy’s above article applies right now.
We are in tears. Even though we knew that it was coming. Even though we had even said and wrote we wanted just to be “done”. We regret it now. All of it. We blame ourselves for saying horrible things and am convinced we were the cause for Julie’s decision.
She wrote us this after we wrote Kathy Broady to inform her of Julie decisions.
“All the Jill People
I have placed it all in the Jill box, and I cherish our learning and growing in our time together! I promise to hold this knowledge and experiencing as I move forward and hope that all the Jill people might as well. I have much admiration for your strength and perseverance, and I wish for you your very best life.
I hope you will let me know about the program airing if that happens!
I also deeply feel the sadness at this time.
Julie b.”
We don’t know if any of this is true.
All we know is how much we are hurting. 😢
Dear Jill,
I am so sorry to hear that you are hurting so much. The note that your T sent to you sounds very sincere and caring. Only you can decide if it is true but it sure sounds like your T had genuine regard and concern for you.
My heart felt wish is that you find some peace and healing Jill. Be extra kind and patient with yourself right now.
ME+WE
Thank you ME+WE. You made me feel better. Not sure what I am going to do right now. But I very much appreciate your kind words and I will for sure read some of the articles written here.
Hi SC,
Well, you know, we are not there to be “fun” for our Ts. Respectful, thankful, willing to do our work and be honest, show up on time, be sure to make proper payment, follow any rules that they have with regard to contact outside of the session — yes — but “fun” is not one the prerequisites of a good client. Check out the side bar on the website because Kathy has written a piece on “10 Qualities a Therapist Recognizes in a Good Client”. I do not see “not crying a lot” as something that she lists for good clients. And, of course you cry a lot, you have a lot to cry about!
It sounds like you were a good client SC but something has gone off kilter here. I am not sure what but it is worth trying to check out. I understand your questioning yourself though. I continually question whether or not I am boring my T (because I go over and over things sometimes), if she is mad at me (usually when I misinterpret something that she said or just her body language), if I have broken the rules (because my little ones are terrified about breaking rules real or imagined), etc. In other words, it is REALLY hard for us all to feel safe and wanted for who we are. And, abuse, neglect and abandonment are really big issues for us — what we have come to expect. So, when a T who we have opened up to and allowed ourselves to be vulnerable enough with to tell our story all of a sudden does something like what you are experiencing SC it can be so very confusing, hurtful and devastating.
I just want you to know SC that ME+WE (and I know many others here) are glad to be here to listen, to understand and to help you find some resolution here. You are facing a really awful situation that we can all relate to one way or another. We are here to offer our support, our sincere empathy for what you are facing and our positive energy to help you sort this out. Keep coming here. We will not desert you.
Oh wow Stewart. What an awful experience if indeed you have been dumped. It seems odd that after five years of working with this T that they would just leave you high and dry like that. My husband’s T decided to leave the business a year ago but said that they would have a four month transition and time to have a proper “termination” where questions could be asked and answered, their work together reviewed, thoughts to the future, help finding a new T, etc. Not sure if this is standard protocol but it certainly seems that you should have had some sessions to review, wrap and say good bye.
Personally, I would try contacting your T again and see about setting up an appointment. Hopefully this has been just a big misunderstanding. If not, ask for a session where you can at least voice your feelings and concerns about being terminated without proper notice and process (of course, if you feel you want to and can do that with this T). Then start looking for a new T and make this the first thing on your agenda to work on with them. You need closure here one way or another.
Great advice. Thank you and I am going to try that.
although the whole thing, real or not, has made me feel like a nuisance. Was I a “fun” client, probably not. I cry a lot. But I don’t think I was a terrible client. I listened and heeded every instruction. Mostly we just talked. And it helped. Thank you for listening.
Was I dumped by my therapist? Not sure. My friend was having surgery on the date of our next appointment, so he said, I will call you earlier that week and see if you have time to come in. He didn’t do that. He emailed me and gave his best wishes for my friend’s surgery. So I contacted him 3 Days after the surgery and told him how grateful I was my friend was alive and said I wanted to make an appointment. He responded with an email telling me what great news it was that my friend was doing well. No mention of an appointment or asking me if I wanted to set something up. I have seen this therapist for over 5 years. It has now been 7 weeks. Did I get dumped? Is there not supposed to be a conversation at the very least?
My therapist of 8 1/2 years suddenly took another job. I only saw her twice for ending. Those two weeks were a nightmare of pain and roller coaster emotions. I never saw it coming. She said she did not either, and that the new job offer was a surprise (a teaching position in a grad school).
With several therapist in my past I have become mostly integrated. But the few left have gone underground. I alone am carrying the burden. I am coping and am grateful that this didn’t happen when I was still in many parts! Starting all over again with a new T is beyond my ability to imagine. I also deal with gender issues so it all is too much. I will not go to another T.
I have lost other T’s suddenly in the past due to illnesses or when I left them. This latest T leaving me in such an abrupt way makes me question her ability to empathize and I question the entire mental health profession for not demanding better from their members. Sometimes I think T’s are in the profession for self focused reasons rather than for clients’ needs. Maybe they need to feel important and powerful over others, or maybe they feel puffed up be the degrees behind their names. OR, maybe they are in denial about what their sudden abandonment does to clients. The profession owes us clients better.
In my experience, faith ministries treat people better in that they don’t often abandon. They seem to have more empathy and are doing the work for reasons devoted to their love for God and not their need for something else. Their love for God tends to make them behave more responsibly toward those they are called to help. That is my own experience, anyway.
Thank you for your good article/letter.
I’m still struggling with the sudden loss of a counselor several months ago with whom I had worked for more than 3 years. Oddly enough, his sudden departure from the treatment facility where I receive care coincides with a previous termination in treatment with him in January 2015 (his choice, not mine) that left me in a precarious position for many months. After 5 sessions with a new counselor over the past 3 months, I find myself paranoid with regard to mental health treatment as a whole and lacking trust and connection to the new counselor. I’m at a loss as to how to proceed. Every part of my being is telling me to run away from treatment altogether and never return. I live in the southern US and have no “faith” left in mental healthcare here. I second the previous comment, “I wish you could add a section on what a person can do after this kind of loss.”
Kathy, thank you for writing about this topic. My therapist suddenly terminated me. I was already in a vulnerable space. The termination wasn’t even done in person. Should these therapists be reported to their licensing boards? One of us (insiders) wants to do this before other clients get treated the same. Others can’t even speak the therapist’s name. One of the worst things is that this isn’t the kind of loss you could talk about with just anyone. You might say to your boss “I lost my grandmother” but nobody says “I lost my therapist.”
I wish you could add a section on what a person can do after this kind of loss. Also, are there other articles you would recommend about this topic?
Thank you for addressing this. My therapist I was with for 10 years died…and even though the adult me understood it has been hard.
Along with that two support people, very knowledgeable, also died within a couple years
It has been so tough and I just haven’t been able to continue therapy. I was glad to see that maybe once again that maybe I am not abnormal
I relate to what so many of you have written. Have had various therapists over the years – most of whose were confused by me having parts and one who used my dissociation to his personal advantage. Had gotten to the point where I never wanted to see a therapist again. But then met someone at a Mindfulness Meditation who does Victim counselling. We trusted him enough to start going And he did somatic work which got us in touch with a lot. After about 3.5 years NGOs had shifted and I raised the topic of finalising but he said no people with complex trauma need years of counselling. Then our last session I brought up some hurts – my words were I feel confused after sessions and Brough up some hazy boundaries between us. It led e part who has never wanted to be in therapy to say she wanted to end it but then other parts tried to confirm our next appointment. But he said no . . . So no clarity, lots of confusion, crying, bouncing off each other internally. Amidst all this, the part who has always maintained she had a happy childhood and never remembered abuse, has remembered. So the whole system is in flux and it is very hard.
Thank you for this post. We just lost our therapist of 5 years, very suddenly and unexpectedly, a few weeks ago. We went to a scheduled appointment with her one week and she told us that the next week would be her last time meeting with us because she had accepted a position in another state.
It came as a complete shock to us, because she had told us just a few weeks prior to this that she wasn’t going anywhere, and would be our therapist, for at least the next 5 years, until after her husband retired from his job.
There was no real closure, and it has been very hard, especially for our child parts. They keep asking what they did wrong to make her break her promise to be our therapist and leave us like she did. They don’t believe me when I tell them that it was not their fault. It has been traumatic for us all, to say the least.
I have found another therapist for us, but our child parts don’t want to risk trusting her yet, because they fear she will just leave them too. I have told her of their fear, and she said that she’s not going away anywhere. Still, the little ones don’t believe her because they are so hurt and devastated by the loss of the one outside person they ever trusted and attached to.
Please tell other therapists how devastating it is to their clients, especially those with child parts (and clients who are children) to be suddenly and unexpectedly separated from a therapist whom they have learned to trust and count on being there for them.
Thanks
Simply put – losing the T is like dieing & waking up in Hell. Yes Me said that. It’s that hard.
Me wish more Therapist would read this particular blog. It’s a way big deal. And nothing about it is good. Been there a couple of times. Hate it.
Good Luck to others. Don’t feel alone. This happens far more than it should & it’s not your fault.
Back again, still. Gesh. So hard.
This time need to ask are we wrong? We now have the opportunity to re work with. We have stated we want this.. need this even of it means once a month. A therapist wants to know how beneficial she can be with limited contact, another question about is this “worth it”. Makes us mistrust communication amongst our insiders.
Really need to ask, will it be “worth it”
For both therapist and us to continue even if it means once a month after the dismissal? We think so but so unsure! Help!!!!!!!
Hi
I’m new to your site- I like the practicality mixed with reality in your blogs and in everyone’s replies. I’ve been reading lots of research papers etc regarding DID and though that’s been helpful in understanding biologically what’s happening, I’m finding this site helpful with what I’m actually feeling and noticing re: my selves!
I know I would have a very difficult time adjusting to a new therapist regardless of the circumstances. It’s taken me a long time to learn to really trust my therapist- not just to say I trust her but really trust her at a gut level- and now that I’m at that point it feels really good yet really scarey to feel healthy trust!
My mind just went blank so I guess that’s all I have to comment on this topic at this time
🙂
Hi Beth,
Welcome to Discussing Dissociation! I’m glad you have found the site, and that you have found ways for it to be helpful for you.
Trust is a very difficult and complicated topic, that’s for sure. It is scary, but also kinda necessary to build that healthy trust with someone, when you can.
Thanks for your comment, and please feel free to write often. 🙂
Warmly,
Kathy
This topic has sure touched us in a way that we feel moved to speak out. Start talking.. to survivors to clinicians to every person this impacts, Kathy, you have indicated that your absence effected people.
I honestly think it’s time to start a conversation about how to make a transition for a client and clinicians more effective and beneficial for them both. It is a hard thing to lose a therapist. It must be equally difficult to leave.
I know for a fact that dumping someone so suddenly is not the best solution EVER. It happens though through no fault of the therpist. So painful… ouch.
I honestly believe that there needs to be an open conversation between clients and therapists about this particular issue of abandonment. There are views on both sides. I hear them both. I would like to be able to have a more open expression on this issue to help both parties move forward.
It is hard to be a client who often gets shoved aside just because of their diagnosis. Clinicians need to be more willing to learn how to serve the “difficult client” in a positive and helpful way. Handing them a piece of paper with the names of other professionals is just not enough… especially after they have informed this client that they have “too many issues”. Wow. That wasn’t very professional… ouch!
What is the professional supposed to do too? Some don’t have the expertise. Some have their limits. Some just have their own personal preference to who, they work with.
It hurts Kathy. It hurts to get rejected. It must equally be hard to leave on the professional end of things too. Why aren’t we having those honest conversations with one another? Why can’t there be a better way of doing this?
What is it that people want to hear from their past therapist? What has not been said that needs to be heard?
I want to hear it all!!! All of it, from the therpist point of view,, from the clients perspective. Maybe.. just maybe we can find a better link..so that those of us left behind don’t feel so lost and forgotten..
and to those who left.. a bridge to us without it being some sort of boundary violation. There needs to be more spoken..
if anyone wants to participate please.. do so..
jillsparksmultiple@gmail.com
I am getting ready to speak out about this, PUBLICLY! Our voices silenced no longer. I want to make a difference in the lives of those seeking therapy and those providing it, more voices PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!
With one lost therapist (she got ill) I had it was handled better than others. She let all of us ex-clients know each other and help support each other. It helped a lot! We could remember together our T and laugh and love each other through it. There were enough of us that everyone found someone to befriend. It broke all the “rules,” I am sure. But as far as I know it worked well for all of us.
Tired. So tired of these dreams about her. So exhausted. Sleep interrupted by these images that won’t cease. It’s never been like this. Why now? Terrified by just the act of driving past that office.
Why would her daughter “like” something wrote on Facebook over a year ago? Seems so weird. And still freaked out. ?
Sigh…
no one to,d us how hard this would be…..
When Julie left, she asked advice from Kathy Broady and Cheryl (a DBT therapist) on what to do. Here is a so called trauma tberapist asking for advice. Hmmmm.
There is great commotion in our system.
Advice was given to “try to trust a new therapist”. There is no knowledge of what we all have been through with therapists. This nurturing part and the protectors have agreed that we can’t just do that.
I, Lillian, have lost some of my littles due to Julie telling them to “tuck away”. They took this literally got into a bubble and disappeared in front of other littles and myself. How can we trust?
Here is a message Kathy from the littles:
me sowee
u go tac car of em oter pespl
me be ok
me was
me will be
?
How can I tell you Kathy that the messages received were from the littles who watched these others slip away? That tbeir message was that these littles were fallowing orders and now they have floated off someplace.
Their desperate message to Julie above was because they have made sense of this relating to what the mother did when she left to take care of others.
We can’t trust right now Kathy.. Please don’t ask us to.
Lillian
Oh dear…. this is one of the most painful threads to read on this blog. So many people have hurts in this area. It blows me away some….
I haven’t been able to respond to each of you who have written in this thread, but considering there are 94 comments here so far — with more to come, I’m sure… — please know you are not alone with your pain.
And to those who feel hurt, or left behind, or abandoned, and injured because of my moving from Texas… I am sorry for any hurt that I caused you. You are all beautiful people, and I certainly appreciated every single everyone I have ever worked with. I wish healing for your wounds, health in all area of your life, and peace to the very depths of your soul.
I’m doing what I can to still be a healing resource for you all… hold tight, and let’s move forward together.
Kathy
❤️❤️❤️ losing a t is very hard. It’s so good to hear you tell people you’re sorry for the hurt they feel from you moving. Wish T’s everywhere would be brave enough to do this.
We are going to loose our psychiatric nurse practioner. We have been working with her for over 5 years. This is incredibly hard for us. Don’t want to do this at all, but there isn’t a choice. It is going to happen whether we want it to or not.
There is going to be a transition period. Not sure what that means or how long. One of my ts wants us to think about how we want it to happen. Do we want to be introduced to this new person, then have her sit in on an appointment? Do we just want to do it? How long do we want it to take? We aren’t sure that dragging it out will be the best thing.. Neither are we wanting to do it cold turkey. This is hard… Hard… Hard. ?
The only good thing about this whole thing is we were told in person. We didn’t get a this is going to happen and you have 30 days. We do get time… How much is unsure.
Sigh. Gesh… We don’t want it to happen at all. It is though. Now we need to try to think this through. It’s very hard for us and sad. We don’t want to say goodbye… Not at all. That isn’t going to be how it is going to happen and we know this.
We are slipping into deep depression… And sad sad…
I’ve been setting my t for about 2 1/2 years my life’s been transformed in the end our sessions became less about therapy but just general chat, I just agreed to change from weekly to fortnightly when she drop the bomb that she was leaving and I would only have two sessions with her left, I was shocked I knew the end will come sooner or later, I left the session half way through in disbelief, she told me I was doing really well I could see the changes I had made to my life, she has been such a positive in my life
now two weeks later I feel angry, confused, sad, suicidal, wanting to hurt myself and just really confused, I burst into tears and have cried and cried, I feel like my heart is broken, I really care about her close to love, she was the only person I could talk to
relate to
I have been very frustrated as people around me are saying oh to bad never mind there’s another t. waiting anyway
I find the response from other t’s interesting as well, they can do something called Detachment or Detach? which I do not know how to do, so here I am in this mess and nobody want’s to know any more,
I could talk to her about anything and if I needed I
could txt her during the week, she made me feel stronger inside just talking to me and reassuring me that things will be be okay and the way I’m feeling and what I’m doing is okay and that i am okay now that positivity is gone
Now I feel like I can’t express how much I miss her without being shot down with the she’ll be right mate, you didn’t really know her anyway, your just a client not that important, staff come and go you know?
I think t. should teach clients about detachment and how to detach instead of leaving ppl with all these feelings while they have moved on and detached from you
I feel so lost now, feel like giving up cancelling everything else that’s left so I don’t have to get hurt again
I can relate to these items on the list
Your therapist takes a new job and can’t take you with them
Act out their pain, anger, and fear in various forms of self-injury
Be unable to move forward in other areas of healing
Begin to either devalue or overly-pedestal the therapist (the love-hate response)
Cry, cry, and cry
Experience internal system chaos, increased internal fighting, decreased internal cooperation
Experience their internal landscapes and internal structures collapsing and the internal world may go dark, or feel unsafe and unfriendly
Feel suicidal
Go into a long, deep, dark, devastating depression
Go into hiding – some of the internal parts may refuse to come back out
Go numb – become more detached or dissociated
Have a sudden regression in overall skills, abilities, and social interactions
Hibernate within their own home, refusing to go out or interact with other people
Lash out with inappropriate or excessive anger at innocent people
Last out with inappropriate or excessive anger at the therapist
Leave therapy, refusing to trust another therapist
Lose hold of the positive gains they made with that therapist
Refuse to truly leave the therapist alone (following from afar, maintaining contact, calling their phone, sending emails, etc)
Stay focused on the therapist, and their feelings about the therapist as their primary issue for an extended period of time
I hope someone hears me
I hear you. I think everyone feels a sense of grief at one point or another in life. For us trauma survivors, loss is a big thing. We have lost so much already.. One more is devastating.
Why would you NOT have feelings about it? This is a person that for once you allowed into your personal world.. The world that is the most vulnerable. You I trusted someone. Now, they are going.
For me.. And maybe some out there reading, it feels as if I am loosing a piece of myself. A huge chuck is gone or going away. A LOT of time was spent here with this person only to have it snatched away.
What SUCKS for us is that we can never have contact with them again. It’s a theraputic alliance and therapists have a “code of ethics” they must follow. One of which is to not have contact with past clients. OUCH!
We think often about wanting to write our ex t.. Just to say hi and how are you.. Thing. But we can’t. How unfair is that?
Ohhhhh… We hear you.. And having to loose a piece of our puzzle too recently. It hurts!!!!!!!!
Wow…. Truly amazing to read all the comments on this post and realise that I’m not alone in feeling (and having felt and reacted) the way I (and we) have done to losing a therapist…
Over 13 years ago we had finally (after seeing her for over 10 years off and on – but never staying for proper therapy), decided to start to trust our therapist enough for a few of the others to start to talk to her. Only a few weeks after this (and we were having tons of flashbacks and switching a lot), all of a sudden she was taken to hospital for emergency surgery and they discovered she had advanced bowel cancer. We hoped so so badly she’d be back – and she wanted to be too – but in the end she couldn’t. Much of what you write about happened to us. We couldn’t even talk on the phone well enough to try to find a new therapist – the little ones were so upset and couldn’t contain them. After some months though she recovered enough to recommend someone else for us to see. She died about a year later.
Now we have been seeing this new person for over 13 years – for much of that time 3x per week – and this has been the most meaningful and important relationship I’ve ever had in my whole life. Never dreamt it would be this long! And now she is retiring. Yes – “I” no longer have parts and she’s given us over a year’s notice but – even so. The thought of such a long and close relationship ending is pretty well unbearable.
Every ending has a new beginning and I’ll be beginning with another therapist after the middle of the year but – still find the pain of the loss of the relationship we’ve had in the form it’s been more painful than anything I’ve ever known (including all the reasons I ever had DID in the first place). Feeling something with “all of me” is just indescribably ‘bigger’ than the way only parts of me felt things before.
Iyhbh,
EMDR doesn’t have to be in a hospital. It can be done in an office setting. It is SUPPOSED to give you a place for the ones who go into crisis easily. We have that problem too. Even the DBT skills don’t help that for us. We tried that.
So many people rave about EMDR. Maybe for us the problem is that we have many inside that don’t believe in any hocus pocus healing. Wave your hand.. Hold magical paddles, or listen to sounds I alternating in your ears. It’s all mumbo jumbo to us. That is our opinion. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t work for some.
For now… We just keep plugging along….
Wish we could find a Kathy in our area…….
Well… Kathy, EMDR does not work for us. We know that reply wasn’t meant for us but wanted to respond.
We feel,like there is no hope for us at all. No therapist wants us and we are considered a “tough case”. What ever that means.
Guess being fractured for us means… Never being even somewhat better.
We are glad EMDR helps some, we fail at that too. ? It’s all our fault.
Jill, the damage done to you – or me – or us….. is not our fault. Keep looking for help – it is hard to find but can be found even for tough cases. There were many who did not want to work with me, and some who could only help for a little while…and that hurts, but isn’t useless..I have found that healing is not a destination that we get to but a process that we go through and hopefully we will always be growing and improving.
Kathy – thank you for your recommendation – EMDR was not an option for me because of the nature of my shattered pieces. There are 23 pieces of me who can go into crisis so very quickly and there are so many outside who depend on me who do not know about the DID – I cannot take the risk. Perhaps when I am better integrated. For now I cannot be in a hospital – and it is too dangerous for me otherwise so not possible.
Iyhbh, don’t know if it would be helpful, but have you thought of doing some EMDR therapy on this? I know it doesn’t work for everyone, but I recently saw it work some miracles for some other dissociative people who were stuck. I had no idea it was a possibility until I saw others doing it in a hospital recently. It really did help these people who were stuck in amazing ways.
We know this comment wasn’t meant for us but we wanted to respond. EMDR doesn’t work for us. We fail at that too. ? We are glad it works for others. It just isn’t for us. We are considered a “difficult case”. What ever that means.
We are beginning to believe that healing is a pipe dream. There are no therapists who want to work with us. We only just survive……
Wow still do not know how to handle seeing the abandoning T (5 years and 2 months later) in the neighborhood. I have panic attacks, and now there is the reality of having to run into him at work in the coming year. I have been working here 12 years yet may have to quit from my reactions to him because he will soon be doing business with us. Trauma reactions and flashbacks, panic and inability to concentrate, constant intrusions hit me wave after wave when he comes around, especially when he acts as if he barely knows me. My present T has suggested working through some old stuff that is the main transference to attachment and abandonment and then having a meeting with the past T – not therapy, but more of a confrontation to attain closure. As he said, “it would be a tragedy to lose my job because of this” I have no idea that he would agree to such a meeting – perhaps the working through will help – it is a rough one to work on and I have to take it so slowly or get sent into crisis. Wish all therapists knew what kind of power they hold in the emotional pain and/ or healing they can engender in their clients….. Hate this stuff! Guess it is lots of pressure on the therapist though, and some understand. Why am I so damaged to cause such trouble?! Hate myself at times like this.
Lost still after a couple months. Our life is a mess. Some days it feels ruined. She lied to us and we obsess over every detail of what happened. I am sure she thinks she is in the right, and maybe it was for the best. I had so much transference with her I don’t know if we would have ever done the work we needed to do. Still, she didn’t even give me a termination session or help me when none of her 3 referrals would take me on. I trusted her so much and she ended it with a letter to cover herself legally, I guess, because she knew doing what she did was going to destroy us. Every day we fight to not let it destroy us and to acknowledge we both played a part in it ending. I just wish she did it differently so I could understand. I have had extensive abuse in my life, but I have to say this has hurt me more than anything else in my life. She was always so ethical and considered the expert. It became more convenient for her to dump me while in the hospital so I wouldn’t kill myself that moment I guess. I know she isn’t an evil person, but man has she damaged some parts of me with the way she did things. At the end of the day it is about therapist self-preservation. I get it, but now I am terrified to trust again. I never wanted to hurt her, but I guess I did. I hope one day to have moved on from her and to not be depressed and chronically suicidal and to go back to working and functioning. It has been months and I still struggle to leave the house and don’t even know why, really.
My heart is broken, but the survivor in me is trying to believe this happened for the best even though it is so devastating to so many inside. Unfortunately, they can’t tell the difference between her and my mom.
I hope other therapists read this and if they feel like they need to terminate they do in a way that is slower and at least try to put some rational closure on it for the sake of your client. I know therapists are human, and sometimes they do need to do this, but please remember there is a vulnerable human being on the other side too.
Most of the time we can forget, these days. Most of the time, we dont think about her anymore- our old therapist and what she did. We can tell ourselves that what she did says more about her than us. That we didnt need her anyway,
But then some nights (like last night) she appears yet again in a dream of ours, and it all comes flooding back, and all we want is to talk to her. And wonder what did we do wrong. What did we say wrong. Things were going really well – or so we thought- and then she was gone. And we still dont know what we did.
Then we spend all day, wondering and worrying.
She promised she would never go anywhere.but she did.
It feels like no one is safe to believe. Too many people have broken promises. Then they come up with an excuse for it – like she did- and all it does is make THEM feel better, but it doesnt make them right. It doesnt make it ok.
We wish we could tell her… You ruined our trust in every single person that night you dumped us.we cant believe anyone. We cant believe promises. We feel worthless to everyone. We feel like a waste of everyones time. We worry that everyone is going to give up on us out of nowhere, just like you did. We have an ache inside that wont go away, we used to laugh so hard, until we had tears rolling down our face. We havent laughed like that since you left. We dont dare trust anyone. We dont have any faith in people anymore.people could go away at any moment, any day, even when they promise they wont.We dont dare ever thing we are worth anyones time. We dont dare ever think that everythings going to be ok.
We wish we could tell her-but she doesnt care. She doesnt think she did anything wrong. She doesnt care about our words.
Jo
We have had many different Dix. Some of which were not DID. We think that a Dix is just someone interpretation of the symptoms another portrays anyways. What do you think? Do you think it’s DID?
It took us a long time to get proper dx. Not every psych doc believes this is a lag it dx. Some won’t even give the dx of DID even if you have it. A dx is just someone’s else’s perception of symptoms. At least that’s our opinion.
If you need. Friend.. You can look us up on Facebook. We will write you…
What is it when you have all of these symptoms except the alters? I have experienced all of this and still am, concerning the loss of pervious T. Although not sudden and he will still email and call, he won’t see me and there a distance now.
I experience so many things that seem like DID, except loss of time and alters. I feel very empty inside and like I’m on autopilot. Anger takes over and I’m not in charge, moods control me.
Just wish I knew what was wrong with me so I could get better in therapy. I just stagnate and get worse because I can’t express what is going on.
Kathy, I really appreciate this post. My therapist transfered me on to another because he didn’t have enough experience with did. He informed me my first session back after an 8wk in hospital program I attended. Throughout our therapy, I had routinely told him how afraid I was that we were going to open things up and then not be able to work through them. He assured me that he would never abandon me but after a suicide attempt in the winter, everything changed. He was totally different with me from that point on. I was always so worried about getting too attached to him and allowing myself to need someone. Somewhere along the way, I let my guard down and trusted him. Now I feel so betrayed and can’t bring myself to even like, let alone consider trusting my new therapist. He assured me that I wasn’t being abandoned and that if it didn’t work out, I could return to him. After a couple of months, I told him that it wasn’t working out and wondered if it was still possible to return. He informed me that he was discontinuing his local practice and that I needed to speak to her about other referrals. I think he knew that he was closing his practice when he transferred me on. I wish he had been honest with me instead of giving me false hope about returning to our therapy if necessary. My internal system is in chaos and now most of my parts never want to trust another therapist again. I have panic attacks on the days I need to go see her and most of my system doesn’t like her at all, but there aren’t any other therapists nearby that deal with dissociation. I wish that I hadn’t ever allowed myself to open up and trust and my parts feel like I would have to be crazy or stupid to ever open up that way again. I’ve always felt that if people knew what I’m truly like inside, they wouldn’t want anything to do with me. To some of my parts, this confirms that and I don’t want to run the risk of this happening again. All in all, losing a therapist just really sucks!!
My therapist just told me she is leaving at the end of the year. I have been seeing her for 10 years. She is moving too far away for me to see her. We are scared. She has prepared us for life and prepared us for living, but we always thought that she would be the one we finished therapy with….so hard!
I just found out that my current therapist of 5 1/2 years died suddenly and unexpectedly on Monday. In shock, lost, and hurting. I’m not sure what to do now. No words.
I was with my therapist, Randi, from 1997-2004 and again I and my husband started therapy in 2011. We lost our insurance and had to stop in December 2012. In July 2014 we got insurance again and I tried to find her but couldn’t. I sent a letter to her home. The next day her husband called me. He told me that Randi had died unexpectedly the previous month. This devastating news came 2 days after our attorney of 15 years was forced to retire, suddenly, 1 day before my husband has to go to court with his ex wife who had illegally taken his kids. Every day my husband and I encounter something that makes us wonder what Randi would tell us to do.
I miss Randi, her insight and her vision EVERY DAY.
The termination was January 2011, and I am still working through it – but have found some coping mechanisms. Didn’t want to connect with the T I see now because of the trust issues, but have done some good work. Seems that I will not be able to resolve all the transference issues and abandonment stuff until the little pieces have resolved the abandonments from my past. Have uncovered more parts and now I am 23 pieces, all me… all knew the old T but had not made themselves known to me completely. The “new” T who has seen me longer than the old one now, understands, is solid, steady, compassionate, and keeps the boundaries so well. But everytime I see the old T in the neighborhood – it hurts and different parts react differently. I think letting this go is such a long process and one that I have to do daily. Hurts. Also have nightmares that the present T will get tired of me or my struggles and wil drop me the same way…. why can’t I just heal and get through all this pain?!?!?
Thanks for this blog – have come back to it to read the many articles and re-read this one many times.
Sometimes even though I feel devastated and in so much pain that my therapist dumped us, it isn’t because she DID, it was HOW…. the sudden abrupt no warning, no weaning, just SLAM. Gone. She told me it was like a sudden death. But its not. People don’t die suddenly on purpose. She did do this on purpose so suddenly. It didn’t have to be this way. I’m sure I deserved it but it doesn’t hurt any less. She’s so smug about it. She’s arrogant anyway. I can’t believe we trusted her. For ten years..
Its been almost two months now since my therapist, of ten years told me it was the last session and all Ive done is cry and all the little ones feel so abandoned and scared and hurt and theres so much fear and questions and hurt. It just happened so fast. She just couldn’t wait to get us out of there. We didn’t wind up anything, discuss anything, except her need to quit. She didn’t tell me anything about what to do without her. Just told me to get lost and I am. All of us have reacted differently. Today I got a really horrible cold letter reminding me that we are terminated. I KNOW. I had sent some emails begging her to explain her hurry but she didn’t answer ,. I don’t know why. I also begged her not to do this to anyone else. I might not be a person but it hurts so much. She changed so fast. I was so dependant on her and she just turned her back suddenly. Its so painful. I haven’t slept, eaten, we’re a mess. Just because she didn’t warn us.
It feels like every single thing my therapist said to me was a lie. She always told me she saw me as a person and not just a file but then she couldn’t get me out the door fast enough and couldn’t be bothered to do any termination sessions after ten years a…and a Dear John email telling me that was it! I think about it every second because my default is that I obviously did something but is she is a therapist, shouldn’t she have given me some warning? Its like others have said..being abandoned, walked out on, neglected, lied to, …..i feel so lost and I put myself in that vulnerable position to trust her. Now, we are all in chaos. I feel like I was just a joke to her. The littles trusted her, everyone did and in one email, ten years of therapy, gone. It hurts so much.
pysbear15 – i am so sorry to read of this very painful experience. You are a victim of therapist abuse. I received an incredible amount of support from TELL – Therapist Exploitation Link Line. Hang in there… it’s the greatest betrayal and this therapist needs to be disciplined, if not lose his license.
These sad storys of pepol losing there therapists make are heart so sad 🙁
We wish nobudy no how much it akes in you heart.
pilgrims
A month ago, after ten years , my therapist said she was slowing down her practise and wasn’t going to see me anymore. That’s it. Done. I had daily , sometimes hourly emails I sent to keep myself together. I didn’t expect her to answer but that was a lifeline for me and the first person ever who ‘knew ‘ me and all of us and seemed to care,. She was obviously pretending . I was her guinea pig and challenge and when it got too hard she just threw mw down the stairs..not really..just figuratively..but might as well have. I depended on her so much but without warning, she ran the other way. I won’t ever trust t anyone again. I know I don’t deserve caring abnd help but I don’t know why she pretended for ten years,. When I told her I was attached to her, she said, oh maybe my fault …but didn’t give me any ways to detach..just threw me away.
Its more painful than any reason I went there in the first place.
“The challenge is to process the losses that are occurring but not to beome so focused on potential or anticipated loss to miss out on the possibilities in the present. That is a hard thing! We will all keep working at it.”
I think this quote is head on.. And one worth posting here.
Everyone needs this skill.. To stay focussed on the present task. Focus on what you have learned on the journey. Even in the darkest parts of my therapist past.. I came away with something.
Losing someone is hard no matter what.. But the treasures taken from those experiences should be treasured.. Viewed as a piece of the wonderful piece of art still yet being created.
Thanks again Kathy..
I have put many of your words in my treasure box…
Coming here again with a very heavy heart. My t came to me with news of retiring soon. 🙁 feeling very overwhelmed and sad. Don’t think any one hears this. Feeling alone and afraid. Why does this happen? Feeling like emotions are so acute.. Lie they have exploded into overdrive, doubting anyone ever reads or sees . Feeling invisible.. Does this kathupynperson actually exist? Does any one here???? Really sad, sorry….
Hi Jill,
Ooooh dear, yes, lots of people hear you and understand what you are feeling…. It will feel overwhelmingly sad for you… I’m sorry for your pain.
Your t will always be special to you….. And you for her, I’m sure.
Your healing journey will continue…. Hold tight.
Warmly,
Kathy
Thank you for acknowledging the pain we feel, Kathy. Have had a lot of loss as of late.. 2 doggies, and a birdie. Grief has over taken. Wish our t hadn’t had to go too… ?
Kathy, this is one of the most helpful and interesting websites on the topic that I have ever encountered.
Wow, and thanks, Rathernot. That’s quite a compliment. Are you referring to the over big Dissociation / Dissociative Disorders topic? Or something more specific to this particular article? Either way, I appreciate your vote of support. Thank you, and please keep reading. 🙂
Warmly,
Kathy
Sorry, should have been more clear: The overall blog on dissociation here still is the best one out there, I find it a tremendously helpful resource. Have been reading it for years now while in therapy, and still get new stuff out of it. This particular post is helpful, too, as I am moving out of state and may not be able to continue therapy with my t of 10 years. It’s not good timing but it’s purely for important professional reasons. I was researching how people handle separation from their therapist when there is way too little time for proper closure, that’s how I found this. Please keep this great work up, it is much needed and much appreciated!
I had a therapist of 5 years that abandoned me in a time of crisis. The first 4 years of therapy he treated me very special. He gave me his cell number, I had his email address, and he told me none of his other patients did. He let me call him when I felt like self harm or suicidal, and was a great therapist. One day after 4 years of good therapy I came in and he was rude and verbally abusive. I tried over and over to get him to reconnect with me, to treat me like he used to , to be kind to me. I couldn’t understand why he was suddenly being mean to me. At first I shut down, then I got angry, then I tried to appease him. It took me a year before I finally quit seeing him. I had started a new medication and was having problems with it after a session. I was sitting on his couch in the waiting area after his last session was done. He ignored me sitting there for the most part. I told him what was going on, and he said he had things to do that night and couldn’t help, and he started shutting down the office. I went to the back steps and cried and cried for hours until around 11pm at night after a session that ended at 6:30. I got angry and decided to quit therapy with him via email. It was a very short email just saying that I didn’t think he cared anymore and that I wanted to quit therapy. He sent me back a short email saying how “happy” it made him that I had reached this decision on my own. I got furious that he was so happy about me leaving and I sent him two very long emails that were angry but not threatening. He refused to have anything to do with me after that, wouldn’t return any calls, even when I got suicidal and told him I was going to kill myself. I ended up overdosing and in a mental hospital for 3 weeks for the first time in my life. It took me about 6 years before I got back into therapy and dealt with the grief and loss and issues of abandonment and trust that this caused. My current therapist specializes in DID, and happens to be in the same office building as my old therapist. They used to be friends at one time until my therapist found out from some patients that he had referred to him that he had done this to other patients as well. He crossed boundaries with me by kissing me, hugging me, and telling me he loved me at one point. I had also had major transference issues with him, falling in love with him, even though I realized that we could never have a relationship together. He ended up sending a letter to the licensing board in 2011 saying he had a sexual relationship with a patient, and that he had a long history of kissing and hugging patients. He also got his license suspended for overbilling patients. I know you are thinking that I am better off without him, and a large part of me realizes that, but there’s a part of me that will always miss him. I never truly knew what love felt like until I fell in love with my therapist, so the grief of losing him, even though he was bad for me in the end, was very hard. My current therapist has been very patient and is very good, but it took me a long time to resolve the grief.
OMG, what happened to you was wrong. You must be very strong to have survived it. <3
I really wish i could send this email to a few people. I wish so much that people could understand, that when you hurt/abandond/forget about/ whatever a person with DID, there is just one You, but you are hurting 20-50-100 inside people. Does that make sense? Ex t, and people we have known in the past like ex friends, its like they just blow you off- and who cares, youre just one more person in their lives. But the aftermath that they leave behind, though it might look lile one person, is more like leaving behind five crying toddlers who dont underwtand where youve gone, ten angry teenagers who have so much inside that they need to say to you but they cant, a handful of little kids who dnt understand why you did what you did, etc. But all that ex T saw was one person and so who really cares if you hurt one person, right? Except she didnt. She left behind a train wreck of abandonment, anger, sadness, etc etc that will never get resolved. They get to move on with their lives, but people with DID get stuck in a never ending cycle they cant get out of.
Does that make sense?
Theres lots of ways to lose sombody. Not worth geting attached in the 1st place. And apparently its all pain for the client and none for therapist. Fuck therapy. Fuck therapists. Fuck everybody. Everyone screws you over eventshally. What is the fucki point of even caring what pepol say if there just going to leave you anyway and then dont even give a shit what they have done to you? Fuck everybody. Talk is cheap. Actions speak a lot louder than words.
Mae really needs sharon again. She is stupid. Sharon was stupid. Mae is an idiot.
Theres lots of ways to lose your therapist. Some say goodbye and some dont and just like everyone else they just go away.
Its stupid to ever trust one anyhow. You cant trust anyone.
I have been seeing my therapist for 18 yrs and she retired. I am so totally lost. she helped me through so much. We were lucky in we had our goodbyes over a few months but reality hits and I am alone now. I can’t see another therapist. it was far too hard to talk to this one. I understand nothing lasts forever in this world, but the loss and the depression right now are so great. I can’t sleep or eat and cry all the time. She said she can’t see me ever again. We can occasionally text but not the same. I know she cared about me or wouldnt have stuck with me for so many years. I just don’t know how to deal with losing her. The thought of never seeing her again is horrible.
Gosh, i feel so bad for you. I lost mine after 8 1/2 years and it has been absolutely terrible. Your loss must feel and be devastating. I am so sorry. I pray for you now.
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