I saw another television documentary on Jaycee Lee Dugard – the young woman who was kidnapped at age 11, held captive for 18 years, and found alive, along with her two daughters on August 26, 2009.
At the time of the documentary, Jaycee was about 40 years old.
Jaycee spent 18 years held captive in the backyard of a registered, violent sex offender, Phillip Garrido.Ā Garrido fathered Jaycee’s two daughters, and has been charged with numerous criminal offences.
While most of the world was thrilled to see Garrido arrested and locked away into police custody, Jaycee and her girls had different emotional reactions.Ā Initially, when questioned by the authorities, Jaycee was supportive of Garrido, she refused to admit her real identity, and when the facts weren’t adding up, she claimed to be hiding from a fictitious abusive husband that lived in another state.Ā She had chances to tell about her perpetrator, but her first responses were to protect him.Ā Her two daughters cried when they heard Garrido was arrested.
Garrido spent years torturing these young women, but yet they were clearly connected to him.
How can this be?
This dynamic is called Stockholm Syndrome.Ā
Stockholm Syndrome is when victims form positive, caring attachments with their violent perpetrators.Ā The more victims have to depend on their perpetrators for their very survival, the more likely the victim will form an attachment to their perpetrator.
The world has been appalled as they heard this story.
But this story is not a new story.
This story happens to many children every day of the year.
Many dissociative trauma survivors have lived a life all too similar to the life that Jaycee lived while with Garrido.Ā As children, most dissociative trauma survivors lived – day after day, year after year – under the strict sadistic control of a sex offender.Ā They were repeatedly sexually abused, many became pregnant, they were given hidden identities and new names, and they were taught bizarre religious beliefs.Ā Many DID survivors were locked and confined in unhealthy places, made to be completely dependent upon their abusers, and the reality of their daily abuse was hidden from the neighbors.Ā It is not at all uncommon for DID survivors to have been sexually involved and sexually controlled by their perpetrators well into their adulthood.
The main difference between most DID Survivors and Jaycee Dugard is that most DID survivors were not kidnapped by a stranger.Ā Most DID survivors who have lived this kind of ongoing abuse were simply living in their family homes.
These DID survivors were being raised by their father and mother.Ā They didn’t have the hope that someday they would be rescued and returned to their “real family”.Ā They were with their real family.
In either situation, the child-victims learned to adapt to the sadistic behaviors of the abusive parental figures in order to survive.Ā Despite the extreme abuse, they learned to depend on the abusers.Ā Everything from breathing, food, clothing, water, shelter, warmth, education, medical attention, etc. was controlled and monitored by their abusers.Ā There was no personal space.Ā There was no way to get away.Ā There was no known place to run to even if they had gotten away.
The child-victims knew they were stuck there.
They knew that their life and basic survival needs were completely dependent upon keeping the perpetrator happy.Ā They learned to base their own survival on effectively meeting the needs of the perpetrator, and the perpetrator had the power to decide if they would live or die.Ā To survive, they became loyal to the perpetrator.
Perpetrators purposefully create this kind of dependence in their victims.Ā They want their victims to feel trapped, and to lose hope, and to be stuck in their abuse.Ā They do not want their victims to know there is a way out, or to find a way out.Ā Perpetrators want to be in control of absolutely everything, barely leaving their victims room to breathe on their own.
In keeping the required secrets, the surviving children oftenĀ learned that the ONLY person to turn to in time of trouble or need is the perpetrator.Ā To get their daily survival needs met, the child learned they had to placate, please, and depend upon the abuser.
In these long-term abusive situations, the perpetrator is both the caretaker and the abuser.Ā The child learns to love and hate this parent.Ā The child feels either trapped in the abuse, or feels tied to them in order to get their needs met.
Consequently, the child-victims have to depend on their abusers for their care.Ā
Who else will feed them?Ā
Who else will get their books or supplies for school?Ā
Who else will provide clothing and a place to sleep?
Who else will take care of them?
These children have no where else to turn, so they form a variety of trauma bonds with their perpetrator.
Since the child-victim’s life depends on their perpetrator, the victim develops a loyalty to the perpetrator.Ā They experience a positive loyalty when the perpetrator meets their daily needs.Ā They experience a fear-based loyalty when their life depends on it.
Whether the offender parent is being appropriate or violent, the dissociative child is drawn into the relationship, and feels emotionally connected to the perpetrator.
Child-victims might split off parts that keep the abuse separate from their feelings of love and appreciation.Ā It’s hard to genuinely care about someone who is hurting and abusing you, but child victims often have to manage both of these scenarios. They might split off parts to deny the abuse, so they don’t have to remember the violence.
After living this dynamic for years of time, survivors lose the ability to recognize who or what a perpetrator is.Ā
They grow up feeling responsible for pleasing perpetrators, learning how to tolerate abusers instead of learning how to leave perpetrators.
They grow up believing that attaching and bonding to a dangerous person is critical for their own life.
Ā
Attachment to the perpetrator creates many layers of confusion for many years to come.Ā It is a critical area of healing that requires a great deal of work in the therapy setting.
Do you love your abuser?Ā
Do you hate your abuser?Ā
Do you recognize your abuser as an abuser?
Can you recognize who in the world is or isn’t an abuser?Ā
Can you leave our abuser?Ā
Can you bond with a non-abuser?
Even as adults, far too many DID survivors can no longer separate who is who.Ā They will live a life connecting to one abuser after another, yet they won’t be able to recognize a safe person when they meet one.Ā DID survivors may feel more comfort in the victim role, and they may prefer the familiarity of abusive relationships over the strange unknown of safe relationships.Ā Or, they may assume that all people are abusers, and thus miss out on the opportunity to learn the difference between a safe person and a perpetrator.
Every DID survivor has attached to at least one perpetrator in their lifetime, and probably more than one.
It is critical to work on this trauma dynamic in therapy.Ā This work is essential for healing.Ā Otherwise, DID survivors will feel a high degree of comfort with perpetrators, and will not be able to stay connected to a safe person when they meet one.Ā Or, they’ll accuse a safe person of becoming a perpetrator.
There are a lot of different possibilities, most of them ending up as relationship disasters.
In order to have any chance at having successful social relationships, dissociative trauma survivors absolutely must address the attachment they feel to their perpetrators.
The health of your future relationships depend on it.
I wish you the best in your healing journey.
Warmly,
Kathy
Copyright Ā© 2008-2020 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
Wow….”You cannot heal an unknown trauma.”……got my head down and pressing forward because that is my current journey…the “known” stuff of being scared of Daddy’s anger just doesn’t seem to be “solving” my issues – I have tried and tried to MAKE that be ALL there is to this…but, there is a “gut” feeling of there being something “more”…….just wish it was easier to find than it seems to be…..and there weren’t so many shadows, webs, walls, crazy “flashes” and everything else….
MissyMing
04/14/20
This whole un-attaching from the perpetrators is hard work. And it sucks. I dont know why its so hard.
We have been having a lot on inside conversations about this the past few days. Back years ago, my sister told me she thinks i have stockholm syndrome. She is probably right.
We are trying to examine why the hell we would be so damn attached to people who treat us like shit, yet cant attach to the people who treat us kindly. How screwed up is that? Its all upside down.
So we have been trying to undo the bad attachment, and trying to work on attaching to good people. Its so hard that itās ridiculous. It should not be this hard! That is US being messed up.. Why the hell would we be attached to people who abused us, lied to us, tortured us, terrified us? So, some of us are trying to face the reality of what really happened. Its enormously painful. But probably necessary, right? But we absolutely have to tear ourselves away from the bad people. We have done it physically, but we have to do it emotionally.
There are some people who do not like the people that we love. Theyre right, though.
I just have to work on getting 50 inside people unattached. So far i have about 1/2 of them finally agreeing with me. working on the other half.
Hi Caden,
“Why the hell would we be attached to people who abused us, lied to us, tortured us, terrified us? So, some of us are trying to face the reality of what really happened. Its enormously painful. But probably necessary, right?”
Wow … so much here in this statement dear friend.
We get attached to our abusers as children because we have no options. That is why we developed alters to deal with the bad stuff … because we had no other options. As children, we are usually totally dependent on our abusers for the basic needs of life (food and shelter) although even those are often objects of abuse. We have no choice. We also have no understanding that there could be any choice. We are too little and inexperienced to know that things can be different … should be different. We also have the wonderful ability to fantasize and create a world where we are loved and cared for. So, for some of our insiders, the abusers are just that — monsters. For others, the abusers are some fantasized notion of what they should be and maybe are on occasion.
So, we grow up … well parts of us do … and others stay stuck in the world created by our child’s mind. Our rational adult mind can know that that there are people in our lives who are abusers and do not deserve our attention but some inside parts do not know this and they long for contact. My fantasy was always that my parents would come and rescue me. In some ways I still am waiting.
Ya … facing the hard and painful truth of our life is necessary. Until we see, understand and accept what happened we cannot heal. You cannot heal an unknown trauma. That is the tough part of our work. But, as my T keeps reminding me, we have already survived the worst — the actual abuse. Now we have to show our insiders that, unlike the big people in our lives back then, we are there to hear them, believe them, love them and help them.
ME+WE
04/09/20
Neo,
“I guess the good news is that I have spotted patterns of abuse and manipulation already in my very brief interactions prior to the weekend and I communicated clearly what I will and wonāt do so that I am not manipulated. ”
Remind yourselves of this statement every chance you get. You communicated clearly what you will and won’t do. Abusive people will try to run all over that. It’s hard to stand your ground but so satisfying when it happens. I hope you and your husband work together to make this weekend a big win for all of you. There will probably be some setbacks but when they come try not to get discouraged.
We hope it turns out good for you(s).
Thanks for the words of encouragement.
The weekend went better than I thought.
I was able to stay safe. My husband and son provided lots of really good support. I had thought ahead of time about safe people who were there that I wanted to spend time with and I was able to make that happen. I said hello to family abusers, but I did not engage with them beyond that and even though parts inside wanted to spend time with them, I maintained healthy distance and boundaries.
I saw examples of things parts have communicated to me which was nice, in a way. Like I’m not crazy! š It was confirmation that my parts have important information. And I can trust what they say.
The experience was very affirming of the work I have done in therapy. I could really see and feel the changes in myself and the growth I have experienced so that was really encouraging and validating to me.
That said, I have no plans for a repeat performance. While it was beneficial, I’m not sure I would do it again. I guess now I know that I am on the right path for me. That there is no turning back. That I am consciously choosing recovery and health.
And while my siblings and other family members are stuck in abusive patterns and relationships, it is absolutely OK for me to choose differently. I don’t have to live by their rules any longer.
YAY! NEO! YAY!
We are so happy to hear that it went well!
YAY!
Awesome job. You did good!
You kick ass, Neo. Such brave, healthy choices. 4/10/18
Hi Neo,
I just want to echo Kennedy’s post — way to go! You did an incredible job navigating through the family mine field. It is so heartening to here how the experience helped you to see how far you have come and how you deserve better. So great to hear. Thank you for sharing.
You rocked it Neo!
ME+WE
04/10/2018
I am headed to a family wedding this weekend. I honestly don’t know why I am choosing to attend, I have not seen family in a few years, so I could easily have chosen not to. But I am going anyway. The pull of family was too strong.
I am learning just how loyal some parts can be to family abusers. And it is a little scary. Parts of me couldn’t say no to attending, because it would be breaking a big family rule. Child parts really want a ‘normal’ family experience and are hopeful that this time the parents will show the love they are looking for. There is a never ending longing for a loving family that feels unhealthy and dangerous. There are parts that are completely blind to the various levels of abuse, really don’t see or understand it happening. And put us in danger.
On the flip side, there are parts that want to go and show that we have moved on and that they don’t control or influence us anymore. Kind of as an in your face move. Not healthy either, and not really true, because if family didn’t have some influence, I probably would have turned down the invite! š
I guess the good news is that I have spotted patterns of abuse and manipulation already in my very brief interactions prior to the weekend and I communicated clearly what I will and won’t do so that I am not manipulated.
I have been ignored and disregarded when I have asked questions about locations of events, times, etc. I know that this is a form of punishment and also a way of isolating me both emotionally and physically. I’m glad I understand that pattern now and can respond in ways that keep me safe. Ignoring and refusing to respond to me is also a set-up so I screw up. Then I can be blamed for something and be punished some more. Kind of a no- win situation. And a repeating family pattern.
The pull of those parts that are still very much attached and loyal to my abusers is just so incredibly strong. I thought I had worked through this, that it didn’t apply to me. But I am learning just how deep the attachment is and how it still impacts and influences me. I really think working with those loyal parts is a lifelong project.
My husband will be with me and he has already set boundaries with my family in his own way. We are definitely on the same page so I feel like I will have support and a safety net while I am there. I am really happy to have his support.
Hi Neo,
Wow ā¦ you are brave. But, remember that you are not the same person that you used to be. You have a much better understanding of who your insiders are, why they are with you and what they think. So, you have a lot of information with which to work out a game plan with your insiders to deal with the family. And, you have your husband to back you up.
Remember that you are in control here. They do not have any control over you anymore. You set the game plan of what you want. You set the agenda for what you want to plug into or not. You do not have to be abused by them anymore. You are not the little kid who was trapped by them long ago. You have control. You have options. You can walk out of the situation if you need to. You have your husband to support you in doing whatever you need to do to protect yourself.
We are here for you Neo. I am sending positive strong energy your way. Reach out to us if you need to (and can) while you are away. If you cannot, just know that we have your back and are here top listen when you want to talk.
If things get tough Neo, just close your eyes and feel all of our hands on your back holding you up and giving you support.
ME+WE
04/06/2018
How do we go about addressing it?
i think maybe its wrong to be attached as a grown up.
i have to learn how to undo the ropes that tie me to him. somehow.. it feels like we are stuck together with glue. but it isnt ok anymore.i feel like i am betraying him jist saying that. i feel like a bad daughter.i am thinking about a lot of things.
Hi Claire,
Yes, that’s what this means. It means that they confused her and told her lies and played tricks on her so she would see things their way. people who hurt us can be nice too and this is confusing and hurts.
sl
Somtimes i did wait to be rescude.but nobudy ever come. Nobudy ever is going to come. Somtims i ran away. Then sombudy else inside wuld go home. Nobudy ever come to save me. Theres no way to get away. And tomarow there takeing me back agan. š rachel
i used to think i was making a joke when i referred to my relationship with my mom to be a case of stockholm syndrome. most humor is based on something that we don’t like in our lives; people life if you do it correctly.
my relationship with my not so dearly departed mom did incrediblely destructive things to me. she was “emotionally incestuous” with me and demanded i be her midget confidante while she spilled her venom about my dad, brothers and all men in general. she was also sexually abusive and cruel and tied me to herself and did her damnedest to keep me close to home and under her control.
she’s been dead since 1992 and i do not EVER miss her. i only miss what i never had, a mother. she also did satanic ritual crap to me and my pixies and other forms of torture and psych programming. i resent like hell – tonight at least, wherever i am in my system, that she did so much mental torture and conflicting ideas inforced with equal pressure and pain.
what blows my mind is that i became involved in faith at age 18 and feel God truly saved me from an imminent suicide attempt. this altered the course of my life and i felt joy and peace for the first time i could remember. my mother became a believer also and our homes toxic atmosphere eased up, though i remained bound to my mom. i did not get my license to drive until i was 21 because my family would not help me learn to drive well enough to pass the test. finally a friend loaned me a car for a month and somehow my system and i went out and passed the stupid tests and ive never killed anyone on the road. i didn’t leave home until i was 23 because i was scared to move away to another state and the sad joke was that my own home was just about the most dangerous place i could live. sheesh!
mom’s last cruelty was how she lied to me and kept me from learning the truth about what had been going on in our family (ie satanism and bad crap). she insisted – the only time i asked her if she thought i may have been sexually abused – that i had NEVER been abused because SHE PROTECTED ME….. “wonder who she protected me from because i can recall sexual abuse from approx. 8 relatives who had sexual encounters with me not to mention the other abuses from authorities and folks like preachers and dentists and 4th grade sadist, lesbian teachers…
it has been very hard to break loose from my bondage to my mom. she demanded loyalty and that i listen to her paranoid ideas – which were not totally dumb during the bay of bigs deal with JFK and Cuba (1962). my mother read me rape stories from the newspaper. all they did was not make me safe and careful – they made me live in fear and hypervigilence. i have enough memories to show me how sick our relationship was and believe me i’ve left some pretty grotesque stuff out. i wish i could vomit up her influence in my life.
mom was one abuser who insisted i stop crying on demand and right now i am feeling both rage and sadness. so many of the effing monsters who hurt me demanded i stop crying on cue and i honestly think that caused me thousands of dollars trying to get well and “get past my past”. i’m getting more able to feel and express my feelings, which is scary and good. i apologise to the group if i’ve just run on and on too much. i’m so hurt and miserable inside my heart tonight and feel the rumblings of anger like lava building up toward an erruption. i am angry but feel impotent to do anything about it – at least until my deaf, blind and clueless spouse goes to work tomorrow. maybe then i can deal with some anger. we still love him, but his rejection and controlling along with my letting him boss me around and ignore the obvious signs that I NEEDED HELP!!!!!! IS MAKING ME ANGRY AT US BOTH…AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate my life right now. hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate. GGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW! and YOU CAN JUST USE YOUR IMAGINATION OF ALL THE BAD WORDS YOU KNOW JUST FOR EXTRA VENOM AND EMPHASIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Leah and a bunch of pissed off Pixies =(
i dont no alot of these words but i think i understand it. dose this be why missy be like that with you no who? dose that be what this menes?
from claire
i see mine every other year at thanksgiving and christmas. of course also through out the year. i just can’t get away from them. some parts of me never want to leave them and then there are others that say get the hell away so your never hurt again. i guess i’m not that strong, but yes this year the holidays are gonna be tough. even when i don’t see them it is tough cause of others thinking that i am betraying them. sigh. i don’t know what else to do. and no t support through the holidays. i want to go hide at PIW (inpatient) until the holidays are over, then it’s a really big anniversary. i feel lost. sorry that i rambled.
oompaa
I have read this and read this…thinking about whether or
not I have an attachment to those that may have done me
wrong.
Maybe because I can feel nothing negative towards them?
Or because I still wish for their love and acceptance?
Or as Thanksgiving draws close…and to know that everyone will
be together at their house…and wish I was there, with them.
Do I love them and want to protect them, probably on some
level.
Guess more thinking to come.
ouch! ignored or deleted
I give up
wont post anymore
sorry
vickilost –
You’re just quicker than me! I hadn’t had time to approve your first post – so no, you’re not being ignored or deleted.
But your posts are visible now… and your posts are welcome here, so… I do hope you keep posting.
And you’ve brought up an important point – the holidays, and all the expectations people have to visit their families, including some of the perpetrators. I’ll try to get something written up here about that whole topic. It seems to be on a lot of peoples’ minds.
With all the different system parts having such different perspectives about family members — also an important point. No wonder it is so very confusing!!!
I think a lot of people understand exactly where you are coming from, vickilost.
Kathy
SIGH- THis attatchment makes me feel bad. Bad for ruining the family bad for not visiting a bad person for thinking bad things about the famuly. and even I get sent to visit for xmas because there’s a part that doesnt believe in the abuse and I cant stay when that happens – too much. No way to protect myslef from visits if a part doesnt believe in abuse i hate christmas!
i have a clear attachment problem and i clearly thought i was safe when i went out of the country and wasn’t safe at all and got hurt again. and i live in denial of this stuff happening. it’s hard for me to believe that family would do such a thing. never could confront my parents even if i wanted to. just can’t do it. i feel like i have the upper hand cause i remember things and they don’t so i know to keep myself at a distance and to not take what they say as the way it is or the way it should be. other parts have severe attachment to my family as well. it’s a tough subject. we are working on it though. slow and steady progress. i’m just really thick headed. but i am lucky to have a safe husband and i realize that.
We do our best to acknowledge that there are parts of us that love the parents, even though they now know a more complete version of childhood events. It’s hard – hard to not get in their faces and tell them off, and hard to accept that there are parts of us that still believe that what happened, was our fault. Someway, somehow we deserved it. And yet, we also hold the truth that it was not our fault. We were an innocent child.
It’s a difficult duality to work through. Being thousands of miles away from our family of origin has been helpful in allowing us to start to really dig deep on this one. We’ve learned to trust our instincts about safe and unsafe people. But at first, heck we had no clue what a safe person would look like – or be like. We kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, for Mr. Jekyll to turn into Mr. Hyde. And it didn’t happen.
There are a couple of parts that miss the parents – although they are starting to see that what they miss the most was the few moments of comfort and real affection that they were shown.
Yup, this one is quite the mixed up bag. It would be nice if it could be black or white, rather than both, at the same time.
I think that this is a very difficult issue for many adults who were abused as children. Often times I have very mixed feelings about my mother. For years I knew all of the things that she did were wrong, but I never really saw them as abuse until my therapist pointed it out. It hurts to think that the people who are suppose to love you can do such hurtful things that it literally splits your mind because you are too young to even understand what was happening. I always thought that everyone had a mom like mine. Who was nice in public, but mean behind closed doors. I always look for that hidden side of people because of this, never trusting what I see. Now it seems like she has moved on and doesn’t even remember half of the things that she did to me, but I can’t seem to forget. Although it is painful I just can’t seem to let go of my relationship with her so I keep getting hurt over and over again. In different ways now that I am an adult, but it still hurts to feel her rejection and know that she doesn’t believe me about certain things that I know happened when I was little. Even though I have felt like an orphan my entire life and she never really was a mother to me, part of can’t give up hope that one day she will see the light and really love me, comfort me, protect me, and believe me the way that I should have been so many years ago.
Sorry I talk too much and then I get mad.
Just ingnore me.
I go now.
Got things to do.
Never mind me.
Ones
Oh, just reread after posting.
I am two faced, cuz I mean as hell to my inside kids š
It hard.
I hard.
I bad and good.
I gonna do better.
I GONNA.
š
I just wished I’d stay the same.
I hate being all over.
More’n’anything, I hate the confusion.
I being polite. Real polite.
So I not so bad.
There.
I am dissociative, I dunno how much.
I dunno why either.
I just am sure I was not in a horrific situ like some. I think it was just alot of little and not so little things bout my living situation and health issues.
But I do have a understanding of dissoc, and I am hoping at some point to be strong enuf to help kids, to make use of my knowledge, cuz I can truly understand.
Reading stuff like this is really really hard, but it makes me want to get better so I can help kids asap and maybe save some from such things.
I think its amazing how a kid, who lives under such horrific conditions, can still laff and be happy too. That gives GREAT hope.
Cuz then there is a chance for healing enuf to live OK, and to even maybe be able to do good in this world.
Cuz if there’s one thing I have noticed, DD people are SO kind and with that kindness they can do many good and healing to others things in this world. I think they got LOTS to share and contribute.
Ya, but ya I know it hard, cuz it take long time to figger inside stuff and to get thru all the craziness and confusion of figgering it and stuff like that, but I think it can be done.
I wanna help kids.
Kids are so special and important and they gots their whole lives ahead of them.
We, alla us, we goto care and take care. Not be blind.
I feel sad.
Which is ok cuz lots times I don’t feel nothing.
And if I feel sad, then that gives me incentive to DO, to chnage things if I can.
I wanna get better real fast.
There’s lots thats good out there.
I want everybody to be ok and know bout good.
Agape love(unconditional love).
Love just cuz you ARE. Not love you gotta pay for.
Just love, cuz love is right and good and makes us want to be good and be good to others.
Sorry I ramble.
My heart is hurting again.
I get confused lots but I doing better.
I hope alls out there can be OK.
KB
What a timely post. Hmmmmm…
This is an area that takes time and more time, making that connection with someone enough to trust REAL safety.
Here, we have an issue of being “OWNED” by our perps. This goes way beyond the family of origin and the mother’s sadistic abuse. We were bought and paid for by the real perps and they knew and we knew they owned our very breath and thought. It’s taking years and years of therapy just to look at who our perps were let alone how they owned us.
Of course in my logical brain I know people can’t ‘own’ another human, but this has nothing to do with logic. Loyalty is a hard thing to break when it’s been decades in the making. Even knowing who is safe doesn’t crack the loyalties. It’s like it was placed in every cell of our body, what was done to the body is written in it’s memory like genetic imprint.
Jaycee was taken at age 12 and look what was done to her self knowledge, just think what can be done when it starts before a child is even aware they are a separate person from their abusers. It’s staggering.
Great post, thanks again for hitting hot topics.
Ravin
This is a big one for us too. Hard to talk about. We definitely have people who hate the bad guys and people who adore them. Makes it really complicated.
I’m learning this one after MANY years of therapy but my problem is I will distance myself from my perpetrators (the parents and their friends) and then time passes and I think, oh, things can be too bad… and I visit them and I want to die all over again. I just did this and I feel I have sunk to a new low. How, how, how do I learn the difference from safe people and abusers? Are their books? I totally flunk in this area.
Kes
Ohhh boy…. we understand this really well. We’ve had a few people (therapists) tell us we have this.
we have a few inside people who were made to love & obey & admire the people who were hurting us. like missy. Sometimes you have to do and say what you have to cuz you know where your food comes from and who puts a roof over your head.
cant talk about this right now…but yah, this hits really close to home.