There is a young woman who will always be precious to me. I haven’t spoken to her in years, but she forever changed my life. Just in being herself, Annemaria gave me my very first introduction to Dissociative Disorders. She changed my life. Absolutely and completely.
This date – October 23rd — had specific meaning for her.
And every year on this date, I specifically think of her.
The story starts back in the 80’s…
Annemaria was a 13 yr old wildly aggressive but enormously quiet girl who kept setting fires in the residential treatment center and starting fist fights with grown men. She was a complicated child, and was court-ordered to have an assessment by a psychologist. Fortunately for Annemaria, the psychologist had just attended a presentation about multiple personality disorder (MPD), learning about the symptoms of dissociation and trauma. Annemaria was quickly diagnosed with MPD and due to the variety of extreme acting out behaviors she demonstrated within the custody setting, she was given an unusual opportunity.
It was clear that Annemaria was acting out her child abuse history. She openly admitted to purposefully committing violent crimes so she would be taken out of her abusive home. It was a brilliant plan for finding safety from her offender-parents. Unconcerned about the long list of legal charges against her, she knew she would be safer living in residential treatment centers, and she was glad to be there. No one doubted her abusive past, and a long string of child protection workers advocated for her safety.
As requested, the Court agreed to give Annemaria the longest sentence possible so she could remain in the residential treatment center instead of being forced to go home. They did this for the preventive safety of the people she would be willing to assault in the future, but also for her own current-day safety and protection. The Court also ordered that she be given specialized treatment and intensive therapy.
Since she was so violent towards men, she was to be assigned a female staff member, and this staff member was expected to devote the vast majority of her time to working individually with Annemaria.
This is when Annemaria changed my life.
I was assigned to be Annemaria’s personal staff member.
I knew about sexual abuse, but I didn’t know a thing about MPD or dissociative disorders. I had been trained to work with family systems, but I didn’t know anything about internal systems. But I was thoroughly pleased to have been given the assignment of working with Annemaria. I knew it would be fascinating work, and frankly, Annemaria and I already had a little bit of a connection. Afterall, I was the only person in the entire treatment center that she would speak to.
I had two years to work with Annemaria. We did hours and hours of therapy every week, and even more hours of everyday life-skills work. She blossomed in that safe, healing environment but for such a young child, her stories of abuse were more than any of the treatment staff could fathom.
Eventually, a non-threatening but strong young man was assigned to assist me during Annemaria’s acting out or heavy-duty memory flashbacks. She bounced a lot of male anger in his direction, but he handled that like a pro. The work was tough, and we leaned on each other a lot. Even so, I developed secondary PTSD, and experienced numerous nightmares after listening to Annemaria’s stories of trauma. I really hadn’t known such horrors existed. Talk about a learning curve… They hadn’t explained ANY of that in grad school!
I had so much to learn.
I had no idea anyone could be abused in the ways that Annemarie described in such vivid detail. She was only 13. It had just happened. She had been abused her whole life, but still… it had just happened! Even though she was dissociative, she knew a lot about it.
She and I taught each other about two very different worlds. She taught me about her world, and I taught her about mine. We both ended those two years in a very different place.
I was truly never the same.
Annemaria was a young gal. A teenager. All of age 13 when she fought the fight and had the courage to leave her abusers and predators. Talk about an amazing person!!
She taught me about courage, and hope, and how to fight against all odds.
She taught me how important it was to find safety, no matter what the cost.
She taught me about strength, and her phenomenal ability to refuse darkness.
She taught me how precious it is to have good and safe people in your life.
I hope that I impacted her life in the same way…..
I also wish I could re-do those two years with Annemaria.
Now that I have had 30 years experience working with MPD – currently called Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) — I would do those first two years very differently.
- I’ve learned more about self-injury and how to manage those behaviors effectively.
- I’ve learned about depression, anxiety, PTSD and vicarious traumatization.
- I’ve learned about flashbacks, amnesia, body memories, and internal system communication.
- I’ve learned about organized abuse, the sex slave industry, pornography, and ritual abuse.
NOW I am properly prepared to address the issues that Annemaria was speaking about.
But then?
I just didn’t have a clue.
And how sad was that.
Today is Annemaria’s day.
And one year, many years later, on Annemaria’s day, I recorded my BlogTalkRadio show on Internal Communication. It was her day, so of course, I was thinking of her. After then, after giving my talk, I wrote this article.
It really struck a chord with me. Because, at that time, I felt confident in teaching and explaining on the radio show how issues and complications exist in the complexities of Dissociative Identity Disorder. However, it was Annemaria’s day, and I remembered how my knowledge level and skill level were so vastly different in the early years, when I was first working with her. What a stark contrast!
I just wish I knew then what I know now.
I could accomplish so much more with Annemaria in two years at this point in time than I could have back in the 80’s when I was new to the field. It saddens, me in that respect, because I didn’t give to her then what I could give to her now.
But she changed my life.
In fact, she changed the entire course of my life.
I would not be where I am if it were not for Annemaria.
This blog would not be here if it were not for Annemaria.
What YOU are learning from Discussing Dissociation would not be happening if not for Annemaria!
And for all that, I owe her a few years of decent therapy.
Annemaria, if you ever find me again, you’ve got yourself a therapist for as long as you need one!
And thank you, Annemaria.
Thank you.
Warmly,
Kathy
EXCITING UPDATE: Annemaria found me again !!!
We have reconnected via phone and email, and I am happy to say that while life has not always been kind to her, she is alive and well.
She also knows where the other helpful “young man” is — the guy that helped us along the way, as the third person on our team. (He’s not as young anymore either as it’s 30 years down the road, lol). But how exciting to know where he is, and I’ll be reaching out to him soon.
If you want to leave a message or comment for Annemaria here on this page, I know she will see it. That would be awesome! Because I promise you …. if it weren’t for the lovely young Annemaria, there would be no Discussing Dissociation!! She has truly had an impact on ALL our lives.
You’re awesome, Annemaria !!!
Thank you for being such a very brave YOU !!!
Copyright © 2008-2018 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
Dear Annemaria,
It is with a full heart that I thank you for being wonderful, creative, tenacious, courageous and creative you. Your quest for a better life has touched the lives of countless other survivors worldwide. You taught Kathy the full dimensions of DID, humanity and a survivor’s heart and, in doing so, imparted an understanding that touched her so deeply that her life’s work was set in motion. Kathy has been our beacon of hope and healing here at Discussing Dissociation but you are the light that shines through her.
I wish you health, happiness and fulfillment in all that you set out to do Annemaria. I also want to welcome you to our community here. I do not know where you are on your journey with DID, but you certainly hold a place of honour in our DD community. There is always an open door for you here.
With awe and sincere regard,
ME+WE
10/26/18
PS: Thank you Kathy for sharing this story with us and for letting us know that you and Annemaria have found one another. Truly inspirational and heart warming!
Thank You to AnnaMarie and Kathy.
i havent profound words right now, but everyone else put things quite well.. and i think and feel the same as many wrote. i have not gotten help for any of this, and i have relied on this blog heavily to save my life.. by it teaching me, validating me, giving me somesense of support and for once not feeling totally alone and invisible in life. so i want to share how grateful i am for you both. The bravery ,intelligence and humanity that your relationship shows is extremely encouraging to me.. like maybe someone will see me and want to help. Your story is also triggering for me and the fact i kept reading also says something about the importance of all of this. so thank you very much for taking these risks with each other, because otherwise i would have nothing and very likely my outcome would be far worse than it is so far.
thank you for working so hard, so those of us could work a little bit less in some ares and possibly have lives we can and want to live. i hope the best for you AnnaMarie, thank you for helping me. thank you for sharing this Kathy.
this is absolutely incredible. thank you, kathy, for sharing your beginnings. mostly, thank you for openly responding to Annemarie. tears flow as we can imagine her reading this for the first time and reaching out to you. we have had an incredible therapist, from the beginning, who has walked along side of us each step of the way. we have been through horrible days and beautiful days; days that seemed like we would never recover and others that gave up hope and encouragement to keep fighting. we are grateful and blessed; did we or have we changed her life? who knows, but for sure she changed ours and we celebrate.
Annemarie, thank you for having the courage to fight, even if it meant being brave and afraid at the same time. we are thankful for this blog and the work kathy has accomplished because of YOU! you are unique and special; we hope you NEVER forget that.
Kathy,
Others have said it in their comments as well, but it’s worth repeating:
You made a significant positive difference in Annamarie’s life.
While I realize you seem to understand that, I just really want you to recognize that statement, without any additional amendments on what you may have done better with what you know now.
I know where you’re coming from, and I appriciate that you wish you could have given Annamarie the absolute BEST.
As someone with DID, it’s comforting to imagine and think of times that someone has been there in my life, in any capacity, and actively worked to help “undo” the pain that so many others have inflicted so many times. It makes me glad to think of how you want to give someone the very best possible care. I can also relate, both professionally and personally, on having better knowledge and skills now, especially when I’ve been a caregiver/teacher. When we know better, we do better.
Here’s the thing, though, not just for you, but for Annamarie, and myself, too:
You did the best you could,
With what you had,
Where you were.
[taken from/inspired by an FDR quote that was on a poster in my history classroom in 10th grade, haha]
When I first read how brilliant Annamarie was in finding a way to be safe from her abusers, after a moment of just like, awesome respect (mad “props” to ya if ya read this, Annamarie, that’s awesome that you had the spirit inside you to keep caring about yourself and figuring out a way to safety), I started thinking about my own personal story, and felt very judgemental towards myself that I hadn’t tried to do something similar.
I *know* that there are so many reasons why my mind would have never considered the same things she did… I was very intentionally and deliberately conditioned to never say anything hinting less than perfect parents, and I was responsible for the wellbeing and care of my younger brothers, one of which has significant special needs and required assistance and supervision with nearly every facet of daily life, and I’m glad I was so strongly co dependant with him because it kept me alive. I most likely would have given up otherwise. And now my brothers and I are young adults and we don’t live there anymore, and my bro likes living in a group home, though it breaks my heart that my parents, by default, have overall legal “say” in his life as his “authorized representative”, since he doesn’t understand paperwork and such, though he is his own guardian, he just doesn’t have an understanding of that what means. So when I tried to quietly slip out into no contact with our parents, I suddenly learned that they had this legal power, and now I’m fearful of making the wrong move and having no legal right to be in my brother’s life. Despite having been the primary caregiver for him for most of our lives. And protecting him from our parents. But I was “good” and didn’t say bad things and… Yeah. Idk.
I could write more… I actually HAVE written more… I keep starting and deleting paragraphs… I’ve been trying to write this comment for over 3 hours, which I shouldn’t admit, but meh. Anyone else have that issue? I think I just… I was so silent for so long, and I had so much I wanted to share even then, so now I just have so many things I want to share but then I try and share one thing and get carried into another that leads to another and I never get back to the original thought, and if I do, I have lots more to say about it, too.
I should delete all of this, but I’m crying randomly and I don’t want to try again, so I’m selfishly gonna post this.
If anyone else has any experience with legal stuff for disabilities etc, I would be very greatful for any insight. I live in a different state than my brother, and our mom USUALLY makes decisions for his life that are in his best interest, but she thinks of what’s best and convient for herself before she thinks of what he would likely choose for himself independent of her feelings. And I have health issues that are likely genetic and mom doesn’t want to deal with that emotionally cause then she gets upset and feels guilty for producing offspring with our father, and her feelings don’t mean that my bro shouldn’t have very likely issues addressed by doctors that know about it and how to help and he’s having a hard time and I’m not there and I’m…. Afraid. And once again, I feel I must play into their games.
I’m not sure that I’m doing the best I can with what I have where I am.
Emma, Sounds to be like you have a heavy load. You are doing the best you can with what you have where you are right now. Good advice to give Kathy, and to hear yourself. You have been very strong for a very very long time, giving of yourself to help your younger siblings survive in a dysfunctional (at the very least) atmosphere. Give yourself some credit. You deserve it. And you deserve a break. Time for you to think about you. Time for you to write, find friends who can support you, time for you to adjust to making yourself the priority in your life. That is hard to do when you have been carrying the lion share of responsibilities your entire life. You sacrificed yourself to get your brothers the help they needed growing up. NOW…now, take some time to learn how to take care of you. Write, write, write away.
Personally, sometimes I feel like I/we write books on here. Everyone here knows it’s cathartic to get it out.
It’s nice to meet you, Emma. Take Care Of Yous!
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my comment and reply with such kindness and wisdom!
You really brightened my night 🙂 I hope you are finding happiness daily 🙂
i relate to you in many ways. thank you for posting , even though it was clearly stressful for you! (hope you do selfcare stuff after those long writing/ crying sessions!) my brain also has parts writing things that can take hours.. so i get that a lot and i relate to not having done anything brilliant to save my life like AnnaMarie did. Reading that triggered me hardcore.. but just remember that having to act like your perps are actually the best people ever is a major part of your and my trauma. its not our fault, they do this intentionally to keep their secrets.. it took me awhile to find others this had happened to , but a lot of people have experienced the exact same thing! did you know this ? its a particular form of abuse by a particular psychology if you don’t know.. i feel uncomfortable writing much else about it.. i hope you know or can figure out what i mean. i don’t have any suggestions for your brother i can put on a public comment to a stranger, i’m sorry i cannot help unless you were in a position to take over guardianship of him i don’t think there is much you can do, but maybe i do not know all the possibilities. Maybe you can think about looking into that ? Hang in there, i see you.
Dear Emma,
I just wanted to jump in here and support what KenKen and IsolatedOne have so beautifully expressed to you already – you did a wonderful job in surviving and in providing care and protection for your brother. You did better than the best with the rotten hand that you were dealt. In hindsight, can we look back at our lives and think, “why didn’t I do this or that or this other” but ultimately we did a great job because here we are — survivors. All of our paths were different but they were all courageous, creative and inspiring to our community.
We are here because we found a brilliant way to survive – our insiders. Yes that means a diagnosis of DID now that we are adults but I think that we ALL should give ourselves a big – “well done me” – for surviving our childhoods. Then, another big — “well done me” – for courageously facing our diagnosis and working to heal. And then, another big — “well done me” – for coming here and sharing with others because in our collection of heart stories is a whole vast library of knowledge, inspiration and healing for ourselves and each other.
Annemaria was the catalyst that got this little engine that could rolling but we are the ones who fuel our collective journey of healing. Every one of you who find the courage to write your truths here are my heroes, my mentors, my muses and my treasured friends. I know what it takes to break that barrier of silence and speak your truth. It took me reading here for three years before I got the courage to do so.
Our abusers have tried to force us into lifelong servitude to their evil by silencing us then and now. Breaking free of that tyranny of silence takes us out of solitary confinement and into a whole world of healing with others who offer compassionate understanding in a deep, knowing way. That is what we do for each other here.
Oh but it is hard to put down in words what our hearts have held so dearly all of these years. It is a painful awakening to see our own suffering in those words. And it is terrifying to let those words be seen by others because we are laying bare our most raw, precious selves.
Yes, it takes great courage and a whole lot of tears to speak our heart stories here. But, each time that we do, we release those toxic memories and feelings to the winds of change and healing. And, each time that we do, we offer support, wisdom and courage to our friends here so that we might all journey down the road of understanding to brighter futures.
Well done one and all!!!
With sincere gratitude and awe,
ME+WE
10/17/18
Kathy and Annamarie
What an amazing way to start my day. To read something so amazing. To know no matter how messed we can be; we are still teachers to someone else. To make such an impact on someone that trying help us. When all we can think about is how useless our life is. This Testimony shows hope and how others can affect lifes with out knowing it. On so many levels.
We all know how hard it is for us to Discuss our issues. Someday Kathie I hope you write what it’s like to be on the other end as a therapist listening to it all in the effects it has on individual that takes care of DID
Greetings to Annemaria. Brave. Resilient. Strong. 10/24/18
I think this gives me even more confidence that you don’t have to be a DID “expert” to help. I know that you feel bad for not being able to help her then like you could now, HOWEVER what you did do was more than anyone else did up until that time. That is remarkable.
I’m so grateful for the young Annemaria who taught you so much, in turn spreading great knowledge over the globe. Sometimes I feel so alone in this in my little Arkansas town, but having the online connection to others helps immensely. Reading stories like this gives me hope for my selves & our future. Thank you for learning from her & sharing all that you do!!!
✌🏻💖🐝
I did an article recently on my blog about the forgotten victims of trauma, therapists. I remember telling my therapist Paula the things that happened to me and her crying. I was shocked because not only had no one had ever heard them before, but no one had ever shown such caring. She was also shocked that I wasn’t upset when telling her as I just told about the trauma like I was reporting someone else’s story.
I also had a person who changed my life, although in a different fashion. Her name was Barbara June and she was my best friend for 27 years. She was the only outside of my therapist who ever met my child alters. We laughed and cried a lot together because she too had a trauma history. I never told her my stories of trauma, but she shared hers. I lost her to leukemia in 2014.
I admire you and your work with people like me with DID. I wish more therapists would write blogs and show they are real people first. I think it wouldn’t only help clients see that therapists are people but help the therapists connect and share their experiences and in that way lessen the impact of what they hear every day.
Thank you Kathy.
Kathy and Annemaria!
Taking a break at the moment from the poster because this caught my attention. I am amazed and thinking WOW! It is stories like these that remind me of why I am doing what I do. Not only with me having DID but I also have someone out there that I worked with who I hope is doing well now. What an inspiring story.
Okay, now back to what I need to be doing.
Healing
Dear Annemaria,
Thank you SO much for letting Kathy close enough to you to help you, and for letting her share with us part of your story! We are grateful that Kathy worked with you, and from that experience that she went on to learn more and to specialize in helping people with DID. Because you let her help you, she has been able to help so many, many other people, whether in person or through this blog.
We are so glad that you and Kathy have reconnected! That’s wonderful! We wish you all the best as you move forward in your life.
MyCircleOfLife
❤️
Hey Annamarie. What a brave soul you our. Yes this journey is incredibly hard at times but finding good people certainly make a difference. I was only 21 or so when I met Kathy at a treatment center in Dallas, Texas. She was studying under Collin Ross and interning I believe. I never forgot her all these years. I was so messed up and not everyone at the treatment center was kind. But Kathy was always Kind. Even if she didn’t know something she approached it with kindness and sometimes that was more important than all the knowledge in the world. Her presence there and finding her again has been such a blessing to me. I guess I owe you a lot. I do not believe she would have been there doing that if it wasn’t for her experience with you. So thank you!! I am a complete believer that one person can make a huge difference in the world. I’m sure your abuse has caused you great anguish but I want you to know that you made it cause great healing to many people. My life is different today because of that early treatment experience with Kathy and I have helped many people because I have found healing through the years. I’m starting a group next week to help trauma survivors in my community. So I guess all this is ultimately because of you. (((Hugs))) I hope this finds you well. Please know you are not alone. I truly know the pain on this journey. I pray that you will find more healing and joy. I’m so happy you and Kathy have connected. What you are to Kathy (a signifant piece of her past) kathy is that to me. I too am glad to have found her again. Blessing to you.
Jennifer St. Jude
Dear Annemaria and dear Kathy,
Thanks for fighting hard for both of you! Thank you to both of you for being committed to life and creating this blog.
The first therapist I had who diagnosed me with DID, was extremely special to me and stayed by my side through some extremely difficult times of remembering my trauma. After about 10 years, we parted cordially as I was ready to move forward then.
She holds a dear place in my heart, and she knows it. Because of reading this though, I think I’ll send her a quick card to just once again say thanks.
Therapists, including you Kathy, who have never experienced DID and stay committed to us through all our “bad” behavior, save us as we know someone cares. We are NOT lost!!!
So, good job to both of you!
Lizzie and PALS
Thank you, Annemaria for surviving and living your life!! I know that many of us end up taking our lives because the truth of our abuse is too heavy on the soul. But, you and I and all of the others who connect here are survival heroes. I want to remember you as the catalyst for Kathy’s outreach, which is so helpful and comforting me to me in my healing.
What a wonderful post Kathy. Am glad you have rdconnected with this first patient with DI. I also want that book to be published. There are too many writers with only an academic interest in DI whose expertise is taken as the way to treat us. For example, with a focus on integration as the only way to proceed.The world needs your book – could be done by making blog topics into chapters. Please . . . .
It’s Annemaria’s day again today!!!
Hello, hello, hello, Annemaria !!! 🙋 😃 💐
I know you are out there now — I am SO SO SO SO SO SO happy to have found you again. Actually, you found ME again, and that was such a wonderful reunion. 😃
It’s always good to hear from you, and you will always and forever be special to me.
And please have a look at this blog, look at all the people commenting here, look at all that is happening…. and know that you, my dear, have had such a huge impact on this world…. more than you’ll ever know…..
THANK YOU, ANNEMARIA !!!!
Hugs ‘n hugs to you —
Warmly,
Kathy
Tears. This article was sent to us somehow. Every time I read it, tears well up in the back of my throat.
I can’t help but to wonder if any Therapist ever could think about us in the same regard. Ever?
It’s so moving Kathy. Want to say a few things about your words here. You mean something to us. Those 2 years with this person helped pave your path, Kathy. I can’t help but to somehow be grateful for this too.
I will never know if my old Therapists think of us. I can’t know that. Even after you said in an article that they would. I just don’t know.
Today though, I am greatful. To your starting journey. Without it, we wouldn’t have the Kathy we all know and love ❤️ here. Multitudes of multiples here reading your blog on a daily basis.
There wouldn’t be a today if there wasn’t a yesterday.. and your past has this..
thank you. For sharing your connection to someone who brought you forward to this place.
Oh Jill People — ALL the Jill People –
Thank you for your beautiful comment. I can’t speak about those other T’s, but you know… I have met you, and I absolutely will remember you! You’ve made an impact on my life, you’ve been helpful to lots n lots of people, and you had the courage to do something exceedingly brave! I’ve never met anyone who was willing to do what you were doing, and for that, you’re so very awesome.
I know life has been painful for you, on so many levels, and in so many ways…. but you can continue to make a beautiful and positive impact on the world. I know you can, and will!
Let the love you have in your heart guide your path… Your light is brighter than you realize.
And thank you for walking along with me. I’m glad you’re here.
Warmly,
Kathy
WOW! does THIS! hurt
It seems, for us, there is something of the familiar in Annemarie’s story. We too, found the way to escape was to “assault” people and to be taken forcefully from the home. Until the last abuser in my home died, we were constantly in and out of residential treatment centers, youth homes and even locked psych wards.
There are different names of those we connected with through those years.
Kathy, we don’t think you have anything to worry about. She probably DOES remember you.
Alisha
Hey Alisha,
It sounds like you are as much of a fighter as Annemaria! You had every right for being angry about being hurt, and while I don’t know your story, it sounds like you needed to be removed from a home that wasn’t caring properly for you. Strangely enough, being safely locked away from abusers can often feel like a comfort and protection — and if that’s what it took for you to be safe, then good for you to be so clever and so brave! I’m sorry to hear there weren’t better options available, but I understand, and doing what you gotta do is what you gotta do! Safety first!
Thanks for your comment — it’s good to hear from you.
I wish you the best in your healing journey.
Warmly,
Kathy
Some of my biggest fears is to be “forgotten”, hated, or thrown away by a therapist. I often imagine my file being tossed in the flames, and incinerated along with any pleaseant thoughts of me at all.
My mother had Alzheimer’s and I witnessed my existence totally disappear slowly. I don’t ever want to disappear again. Not ever.
I suppose my thing is that I get so gosh darn “attached” to my therapist both past and present. Their memory of boldly imprinted in me. I often think that I would be “unimportant” to them.. And disappear..
Maybe somehow in my own way.. I have disappeared. Slowly.
I wish someone would write such a beautiful article about me… But I doubt that will ever happen.
I’m only responding as person who is a friend to a person with DID/MPD. I am not the person’s therapist or relative . . . at least not to my knowledge. I do know that I poured out my compassion to this person in an effort to help her to see the good in herself. It is all very true and I would never think otherwise. However, I was told that my existence does not matter. That’s exactly how those words make me feel as human being (with real emotions).
There is a lesson in this that needs be understood in order to achieve true and lasting happiness. Otherwise any good things I have said (to her) only fell on deaf ears. Chances are (at some point) she will treat someone else like this. These casual words will be reflected back to her in the same manner. I don’t want to see that happen.
I really do hope that my words help to make her a “whole person.” I want her to experience true joy in life by relating to others in kindness. This means truly letting go of the negative voices that are holding her back – rather than saving them for a rainy day.
Not everyone who has been greatly abused can feel loved or feel safe in that. It is just important that we love others and what they do with it is their work. It’s kind that you tried so hard and cared so much. Have no regrets. All good deeds matter. Sometimes with survivors they take years to sink in. I look back onto my early healing years and I see many people who loved me but I couldn’t feel it. That experience was foreign and even dangerous to me.
I’m sorry you had this experience but I do hope you can find your peace and own heart healing. Blessing to you. Jen
I think we never forget our first therapist. Usually it’s the first time in our life we felt understood. There is a bond that lasts over time. My 1st therapist still sends a birthday cstd to me. It has been 20 years. Birthdays wete never acknowledged in happy ways. She promised she would send a smile & ne glad that we were born forever. We Always look forward to it & have saved everyone. That is healing! So yes Kathy I believe she will remember you with great fondness forever. Thank you for allowing her to touch your heart. I sure am thankful for your Annemarie. You are a warm & caring person. Thank you for all you have given thru the years. It matters.
No doubt she remembers you, as well. 🙂
thanks for reblogging!
🙁
Her lukky
🙁
Reblogged this on Discussing Dissociation and commented:
I still remember you Annemaria…. I hope you are doing well. Kathy.
This is very special for me to hear. Thank you for sharing & Thank God for Annemaria.
I used to be ashamed that I’ve been working with my T, Carolyn for 15 years. She was new to helping DID clients and now I view her as my personal hero in this life. She never gave up on me as many did before her. She has been willing to keep searching with me to help my insiders. She’s shown flexibility and has never hurt me and only made a few mistakes that were difficult at the time. Finally we are getting into the most guarded areas of my past and those parts most damaged by the sra and other forms of abuse we endured. She has helped me in spite of my limited funds; I’ve never been able to pay all she has been worth.
I am genuinely thankful for this woman. I wish I could better describe all the good she’s done for us inside here. We’ve had hundreds of alts and many have rejected me in my dysfunctionality. She’s grown herself and been transparent with me about her errors and parts of the abuse she suffered (so I could know she knew herself what it is to be used as a sex slave and treated so badly) She’s kept good boundaries without being scary to the little ones inside.
My history is very sordid and frightful. She’s never shown disgust or pulled away from me. She helped me get off of addiction to meds.She’s been the most loving, safe person I’ve known. She may have actually “saved” my life; she was the one who dx’d me and then patiently kept inching me toward the truth and how to get there and stay there. I just can’t thank God enough for bringing her into my life.
Leslie and all inside
A beautiful tribute to Annemaria and the process…the process of life and love and relationship. And what a wonderful celebration…to recall each year this time as Annemaria’s day, and (in one sense) your day as well.
Life is more real than fiction. I wouldn’t be surprised if ya’ll serendipitously meet again.
Thank you for sharing….beautiful, hopeful, and moving…
I recently contacted my old therapist who I had when I was 15/16. I was trying to piece together my history and I thought that she might be able to fill in a few gaps. I remember her talkimg to me about dissociation and thought she may have noticed some DID stuff back then.
In my mind she was an integral and very important influence on my life and I had felt like she had cared. However I recieved a rather blunt and impersonal email back.
I forget that 10 years is a long time ago and that the therapist client relationship is not supposed to last forever.
I feel kindof stupid for contacting her , I just wanted understand myself better and re connect with someone who had been significant to me.
I think it’s nice you contacted her. Shame on her for not receiving you better and making you feel like “you shouldn’t have contacted her”. What you did was a good thing. Not everyone is a great as we remember them when we find them. But many are. Keep up the kindness and healing. (((Hugs)))
From my reading position, i think her reaction to you was horrible and throws suspicion on her character and possibly relatinal experiences with you as a young person. i would explore those memories in safety too when its the right time to do so.. i am scared of this happening to me.. i have tried doing the same thing though to get help putting my history and experiences and memories together and i get no call backs period. no therapist that has ever seen me in three decades will talk to me to help me remember anything.
I hope she finds you again.
I was very young when my parents tried to have me put into psych to get the heat off themselves because my bro was fire starting and getting kicked out of schools for some very disturbing behaviors. The parents, concerned that someone might think to look in their direction, instead plucked me out of the school I was in in another city, and put me in this place, so they could point to me and say “See this is Actually the problem”
The main person assigned to my case realized the game, and never allowed me to be put into psych. Although I drove the rest of the staff pretty batshit with my antics. But a few staff realized that I was in a jam, and they tried again and again to help me to access anger, and to feel my feelings.
I was not able to then, but I never forgot how they saved me.
Trust me, AnneMaria has not forgotten you.
I have been unable to find the doctor who stood so defiantly against parents that brought state legislators in and all sorts of tricks, to try to force his hand, and some staff who really thought why not throw the crustaceous critter in psych and teach her a lesson or two.
But he managed to help me stay intact, and he helped me get away and return to what it is that I do well out here. He believed in me, and I have never forgotten this, and still hope to find him someday.
So, let me say it for her for now, for both her and I who didnt get broken.
– Thank You.
Dear Kathy,
I’ve been lingering here for a while now and decided to leave a response after reading your thoughts about your first DID patient. Very touching, and thank you for sharing.
I’m just beginning my journey, and after weeks and weeks of interviewing many therapists, I’ve decided to go with a DID expert who’s been widely published. Actually, there’s few in my area who have worked with DID. My concern is that she will look at me as another DID and not as an individual. Actually, I’m not sure of how I even look at me anymore, but I certainly hope that she will walk away from this journey with me having been enlightened, even if it’s by only small flicker.
Peace,
writing
HI I’m a fellow DID. I just wanted to say that if this Therapist is a professional she already knows that no two DID’s are the same. I hope by now you e discovered that. Honestly being an “expert” doesn’t necessarily mean she is an expert. So if you don’t feel the healing and progress there is no crime in looking elsewhere. However… having said that be careful not to do what I did for 20 years: I was so messed up with attachment that every time I began to connect with someone I spun out and found a way or reason to end the connection. If she is a true skilled professional you should be able to bring any issue to her and work it out. That will be where the healing lays. Best wishes to you. Working with someone who is trained and skilled is quite an advantage. I worked for 20 years with people who didn’t know about DID because there’s wasnt anyone else available. I got very little work done. But now I have a skilled therapist and the difference is amazing. All the best!! (((Hugs)))
I have read this many times…each time I read it, it means something
different.
The first read through, the tears rolled down my face. I didn’t know where
they came from. I was angry, hurt, sad, devastated, but why? I swore I
would never read this post again.
Then it dawned on me, I was feeling all those things because I have never
experienced someone feeling that way towards me. After that realization,
I was able to come back and read it in a different light. It is now one of my
favorite posts here.
peacesoflilfe,
oh…. thank you for posting your comment…
wow – I am glad to hear that this story reached something so very deep for you.
I’m sorry to hear of your pain, but I am glad that you were able to recognize where your tears were coming from. That’s good – maybe your healing can come from that place…
Thank you for reading here, and I wish the best for you in your healing journey…
Warmly,
Kathy
KB
I’ve read this a few times.
It’s really a testament to your learning curve and the journey you made.
Our Talk-doc says of her field that, “much of the time people go into it thinking it’s easy, just sit and talk, because they like gossip.”
We have to smile because she herself is a “legendary optimist” in her own right and to be so cynical of her own profession let us trust ‘her learning curve.’
We have few and far between “good” experiences with therapists, but the good ones have been stellar. Not so much in their knowledge (tho one is both) but the commitment, respect and kindness has meant so very much.
People don’t realize the value of those three things. It’s the place where the HUGE hurt begins to heal.
In the Jewish faith we call what you did for Annemaria a Mitzvah, it’s the kind of giving that comes from the heart without strings. Folks tend to confuse it with charity, but it’s so much more. You see it not only touches the recipient but also the person giving, that’s what you have without ever know Annemaria’s feelings, because you feel the grace in your heart.
Okay now I’ve gone all spiritual and that’s so NOT my intent. Just know it was a good thing for Annemaria and for everyone reading here that you have learned along the road.
Ravin
Hi Ravin,
Thanks for your post.
I’ve heard of Mitvah’s… and its very meaningful to me that you would call my work and dedication to Annemaria a Mitzvah. Thank you. For years now, I make a clear distinguishing point to the people that I work with – that while they pay me for my time, my experience, my knowledge about DID, etc, they do not and cannot pay me to care for them as valuable people. When I give that, it is from the heart.
Thanks for your post, Ravin. I appreciate that.
Kathy
Kathy,
In your reply to Ravin, you said: “…they do not and cannot pay me to care for them as valuable people. When I give that, it is from the heart”
Thank you for being the type of T that cares for your clients as real and valuable people, for giving from the heart!
<3 Caro
I think the most important piece is caring enough to figure it out. Absolutely prior knowledge of DID helps, but without that caring piece, knowledge is useless.
Kathy, as difficult as the process of therapy was with Annemaria I am grateful for your commitment to her, because what you learned has benefited so many people, myself included. I hope she is well.
Hi Mona,
Thanks for stopping by, and thanks for your comment.
I wonder if Annemaria has any idea how many lives she has impacted….
She started quite a domino effect, don’t you think?!!!
I hope she is well too. She’ll always be a hero in my eyes.
Kathy
Was gonna say what I see has already been said by Kes up there but it’s worth saying twice… There’s a book in there!
Hi Catatonic Kid 🙂
Oh dear, more nudges for a book! 🙂
lol… and that coming from such an avid reader.
Thanks for the vote of confidence that I’d have something interesting to write!
Kathy
Its nice to know that you remember her fondly even though it was a hard process.
I wonder if my old therapist, for whom I was her 1st (and probably LAST) DID client… I wonder if she will remember me 1)at all 2)without screaming in frustration 3)without hating me 4)with any fondness for all the 7 years we worked so closely together& so well 5)as a learning experience. I loved her so much, and we did, I thought, have such a good relationship. I had dates that were very meaningful for me, and I wonder if she will ever think of me on them. I wonder if she ever thinks of me at all, because I think of her every day and miss her so much.
I am sure that Annemarie remembers you well and misses you.
Hi pilgrimchild,
I’m so sorry to hear of your situation and your loss – I can genuinely understand how painful this has been for you.
Will your old therapist remember you?
1. at all? I’m sure she does. I bet she’ll remember you for a very very long time. I doubt she’ll ever forget you.
2. without frustration? Probably, at some point anyway. I certainly expect she’ll remember a lot of the good times to balance that out…
3. without hating you? Oh, I would certainly hope that she has never actually hated you. After 7 yrs with you, I’d bet she built some genuine caring feelings towards you as well.
4. with fondness? Spending 7 yrs together says to me that there was a genuinely strong connection between you. She would certainly have a fondness for you. I’d bet on that.
5. as a learning experience? I would certainly hope she experienced her relationship with you as a learning experience…
She invested 7 yrs of her life with you… I think that means that a whole lot of good things had to have happened during that time, because either you or her could have ended it a whole lot sooner if there weren’t a lot of good things for both of you. I certainly can hear how much you cared for her…
Thank you for staying true to your positive feelings for your old therapist, even in your pain about losing her. You clearly miss her dearly and yet you speak kindly of her. Your gentleness and kindness speak loudly about who you are as a person. You are hurting, but you are not spiteful or malicious. Based on that, I’d be willing to bet that your old therapist really does remember you in some of the dearest of ways….
I’m sorry you are hurting,
Kathy
Although I have been on both sides (a victim and MPD/DID survivor as well as a child advocate and counselor), sometimes the patient teaches more than the teacher. Very thought-provoking and touching post… have you written a book yet?
Kes (a new follower – see 10/10/09 comments).
Hi Kes,
Thanks for your comment, and thank you for visiting this blog.
I think it is important in the therapy relationship for the people on both sides of that equation to be open to learning from the other. If we’re not open to learning, then that assumes we already “know it all”, right? And who can really and truly say that they “know it all”. Not me! That’s for darn sure, lol.
SO … it’s always important to be open-minded, and to be willing to learn from / learn with the other people sitting with you… We all have something valid to contribute!
Have I written a book yet?? Well… this blog seems like a book, lol… my website AbuseConsultants felt like writing a book… I have a few children’s books mid-process… I did put together a booklet about the negative impact of childhood sexual abuse…. And I keep hoping to one day have the time to put together a ‘real book’.
Thanks for the positive nudge in that general direction. 🙂
I hope you keep coming back – thanks again…
Kathy