Are you a leader?
Do you know what it takes to be a leader?
Multiples – trauma survivors with Dissociative Identity Disorder – experience life as plural. Dissociative systems may be internal sets of people, but they are still groups of people nonetheless.
All groups of people need a leader they can look up to – someone they can trust, someone they can depend on, someone with their best interests in mind even when times get tough. These leaders help to make decisions that affect everyone else. They hopefully will decide things on that are the best for the majority of the people within their group. And these leaders need to care enough about what their people want and need in order to make good decisions.
Dissociative systems need leaders too.
Who is the leader of your system?
And what does it take to be a good leader?
A leader is someone who knows enough about a wide variety of the important issues that they can make truly informed decisions on behalf of the others. These leaders know that they have the responsibility to know. They can’t pretend or ignore reality. They have to actually be aware of what happens now (and what happened then) so the decisions they make will be relevant and wise.
If you are the leader of your dissociative system, it is important that you understand all the different opinions-thoughts-feelings of your various internal system parts.
We expect the political leaders to listen to the people. All the people.
Dissociative system leaders also need to listen to the people – all their internal people.
Being a good leader does not mean that you get to block out the rest of your system and have a dictatorship. That might work if you value selfishness, but not if you are going to be an effective group leader.
Being a good leader means being willing to not use your dissociative skills to distance yourself from everyone else. While you might have the ability to block out your insiders from time to time, this can’t be your primary state of existence if you are going to actually be the system leader.
System leaders aren’t necessarily the host alter.
That host / front part of you may be who people from the outside (“in real life”) world believe to be your leader, but daytime hosts that deal only (or mostly) with the outside world will probably not be the internal system leader.
If your daytime host cannot interact frequently and easily with various layers of your internal system, then my guess is that they are not actually the system leader. They might be the leader of their “department”, but without having the ability to communicate with various groups of your internal people, this host part will not be the overall “store manager”.
There will be someone else in your group that has more overall say-so. They may be willing to let the “day people” deal with the outside world while they very specifically manage the leadership of the internal worlds.
Remember, to be a leader, one has to be able to communicate with the people they lead.
Dissociative system leaders truly listen to their insiders. They don’t hide behind amnesiac walls. They aren’t afraid to know what happened in the past. They are willing to know the truth – to know the reality – to know how it feels to be there, in that spot….
Do you know the life-stories of your various insiders?
Can you relate with compassion, gentleness, and caring for the people you represent?
Can you identify with their struggles? With their pain? With their fears?
Are you willing to help them? To problem-solve with them? To address their concerns?
Can you withstand the pressure of making decisions that could affect everyone else?
To lead effectively, you must know who your people are.
I wish you the best in your healing journey — now go have a good long chat with your inside people !! 🙂
Warmly,
Kathy
Copyright © 2008-2017 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
Dear Kathy,
I’d like to “clone” you and keep you in my pocket 24-7. But logically, I realize that is not possible. 🙂 (Besides even if I could “clone” you, my pocket is not big enough!
…
Self-controls!! That is what I / we are having trouble with right now. Could you or someone point me to where I might find information about this in one of your articles?
Or if not, would you please, Kathy, please consider writing an article on how a multiple / did person can develop self-control?
Is there another word I can use to search for information on self-control?
..
The articles you have written are so valuable. And the comments section is absolutely eye-opening… and my heart goes out to each and every single (LOL, multiple) person who comes here searching for help to cope with a life that is so complex and complicated… people who do not have this challenge have NO IDEA how difficult can be. IS… YES, it is so so so difficult!!
Thank you Kathy for all you do.Thank you to all who come here and post replies… This blog is such an excellent resource!!
Sincerely,
My/selves+Me
4-9-21
I / we have been so totally frustrated… “i” want to talk, but when I have gone to the community forum to “talk”… my impatient, want it right now, demanding… inconsolable parts … well they just get angry when they do not get an answer immediately.
That sounds so childish to me… and I know it is very very childish!!!
So finally I / we turned to the blog… thinking that this would be the answer… wow… even less communication here.
Can we afford to be in the community forum. That is questionable. So what are we (I) to do???
We have an excellent therapist. What is that not enough???
I have been trying to go inside and see what is causing all the commotion. I want it to work. I’ve decided that I just do not have enough self-control!!! Or Patience???
Please, please will someone reply.
I’ve talked with Kathy on the phone … it was wonderful. But my husband cannot afford to do that often. AND anyway… why should I need another person to talk with about all this… shouldn’t “I” be able to do it without outside help???
I’ve been searching and searching the blog for answers… for comfort… for the right steps for me that will help me with all this inner turmoil.
YES, I am very very discouraged!!! Poor me, poor poor me!!! WAA*WAA.
Sincerely,
My/selves+Me
4-9-21
PS… it takes so long to see my posts to this blog… the impatient part of me needs to learn self-control !!!!!! Kathy, can you please write something about how a multiple can develop self-control…… please.
AND I read something about the blog changing? Is that true? Will it NOT be a resource anymore?????
My ability to be “the leader” was damaged so many years ago… due to having to be responsible for things that no little child should have to be responsible for. I believe it marred me for life.
Maybe some other little child would have been able to process this heavy responsibility. I was not. Parts of me were formed to take care of those duties foisted upon me.
My heart hurts now for the little ones inside of me who were there to take the burden.
My therapist of many years indicates that “I” should be the leader. I have never wanted to be the leader.
Right now I am finally getting to know ones who reside within me. I have discovered parts of myself that have been hiding (out of fear) for so so many years.
Sometimes I even smile in the mirror and give a thumbs up to those precious ones inside… who have helped me to be alive and survive.
.g-TEAM.
3-29-21
Ouch….I am still in “lost” land….still learning who all is there….still battling denial…..still with not enough “memory” that gives reason for all I see and feel……still bouncing a lot….still too often in “survival mode” with daily life…..still too “afraid” to see some areas…..still sorting through “snapshots” and “flashes”……still dealing with parts who continue throughout the day to take snapshots that mean something to THEM but I am clueless as to why or what to do with it…….
Bottom line….I feel like I have not even made it to square one….have no idea who the “leader” is or if one even exists for me…..Rats! – back to the “am I making all this up” mode…..Rats!…Rats!…Rats!..
If I AM making it up….how can my body be so disconnected in “robot working” mode….I am busy Inside dealing with a “lid”…..and I see Rage off to the side giving Boss a piece of his mind in an “imaginary” conversation….
Who is “me”?…..I don’t know…..i don’t know……
MissyMing
09/20/20
Do you know the life-stories of your various insiders? No only bits and pieces
Can you relate with compassion, gentleness, and caring for the people you represent?
Sometime not always.
Talk with Each Other
Try
Can you identify with their struggles?
Yes
With their pain?
Some of it.
With their fears?
I try real hard but I think it’s not hard enough.
Are you willing to help them?
Not always
To problem-solve with them?
I try but they will tell you I’m a big failure
To address their concerns?
I do the best I can, sometimes disbelief gets in the way
Can you withstand the pressure of making decisions that could affect everyone else?
Yes but sometimes I just need to go to my room and regroup. When doing this I shut everyone one. Inside and out.
9/18/20
I used to be a better leader than I am now. Because of the stress i am under at work and health wise, my leadership skills have taken a nosedive this year. I feel terrible about it. I hope I can get myself together soon.
Caden,
I’m sorry you’re under so much stress. But please don’t beat yourself up over how things are going; it can sometimes make things even worse. Maybe someone else can take the reigns for a while? Not necessarily host for you, but be the leader? Remember, Kathy said the host isn’t necessarily the leader…
I hope you get some relief soon.
MultipleMe
4/18/19
Thanks, Kathy. I linked to this on my site: ParadigmSalon.net. ;}
Very good post.
It seems like you were gone forever Kathy! Missed you!
Fascinating! thank you for the link on twitter. No, host is def not leading. She’s been struggling to lead for so long. Maybe I should give her a break
Reblogged this on Discussing Dissociation and commented:
Dissociative systems have leaders. Are you able to lead your system?
If you aren’t leading your system, who is??
well… that cut off, sorry.
I was saying I’m aware of these feelings and thoughts that persuede me one way or the other, but still, it is persueding “me”. Somehow these thoughts are outside of me but still part of me.
That’s very hard to explain in a way that makes sense.
Its as if you were the mother of octuplets… and they were all speaking to you at once. You wouldn’t want to let one be more important than another, but you would want to listen to and appease each of them. You might get angry if one of them acted behind your back to do something that you didn’t want or agree to… and that is exactly how it has been on occasion. For instance, when some other side of me texted my therapist, I was horribly embarassed. I mean, calling her is one thing, but that seemed innappropriate and is something I would never do.
And yet “I” did.
I guess, since that is the analogy that comes to mind, I am the leader – the mother figure or whatever. I hadn’t looked at it the way you explained it before. It just felt like “sides of me”, but I can see how what you say makes sense even in my own perception of reality.
It is really frustrating to me that all of this is so hard to explain and describe in ordinary words. Too often I say something that ends up sounding like a platitude or that actually means something other than what I’m trying to say.
Hmm… even now that I am aware of the thoughts/feelings/perceptions of these other sides of, I still think of them exactly in that way – as other sides of me and not as separate people. When I am torn on a choice, I am aware of multiple thoughts and feelings that try to persuede
Very helpful and even more confusing than ever.
Always felt the ‘host’ – day part everyone else sees – is Not really ME. Which (here) it makes sense that she is Not the leader however she acts like it. i feel is the logical/sane one is the conscious thinking one – the one on the outside.
Puts even more worry on me that she is the one who made it silent & black inside just so i could ‘deal’ effectively w/my outside life.
I think i’m even more lost in did than ever before today.
who am i Really?
I’m not afraid and have been seeking the memories of past because logically i know they canNot hurt me now.
i’m beginning to think that maybe the past is not as important as learning how to live my present & future in good thought/behavior processes to combat the negative behaviors that certain ‘triggers’ cause. in my case, i think the cognitive behavior therapy of ED recovery takes prescedence over simply wanting to know the memories of the past.
i’ve lived w/o them this long, why is it imperative i know them now?
confused…
me
Hi All, it’s been a long time since I checked in. This is a very thought provoking post and one we struggle with. We are extremely verbal and our abusers made credible death threats combined with abuse and we were so scared we would slip up and talk that we made our system be in total darkness, where we couldn’t see anything to talk about. We have no idea how many hundreds of alts we’ve talked with – my T says our system is complex. We even had a system for churning out temporary alts to push out and keep T and us from getting inside. Our host has been anchored in confusion and there is a huge system of denial and equally huge system of pain and secrets and a system out front to “pass for normal”. It has been hugely frustrating to get the help my T was trying to give (while she learned about DID while working with me and others – so things were experimental at times)
All that is to say that we are finally going where the REAL wild things are and it is helping, but I still have no flippin idea who is leading whom and where. But I will say this for us all here, we survived deadly abuse and some horrors too ugly to state here and WE ARE STILL HERE. We rock at surviving, though we know God and a few folks did so much else to help us.
Thanks Kathy. No flattery intended, but you are an exquiste communicator on these topics. We’ve never read a “dud” in all we’ve read of your writings. They give us things to chew on that broaden our understanding, no pun on your last name intended 😉
Leslie for the pixies
Thanks Mona…
I’ve had ten therapists and have been in therapy off and on for 20 years. I thought I was through in 2006. At least I feel I am past the crisis stage now (that went on for a month but I finally pulled myself back together). Part of the crisis was thinking about repeating crisis phases… I despise them. But I’m feeling so much better and ready to tackle more issues now having found another safe therapist.
I just have been SO fluid and haven’t lost time in years and have felt such cooperation and to some extent, integration, that I am just fearful of losing that. It came on so suddenly with such crisis that it shocked me. It lasted a month. It’s SO nice to be on the other side of the crisis, even knowing there is a lot of work ahead of me.
Thanks for encouraging me, Mona.
Kes
A
I have been where you are at. Oh, I can relate. It does get better but I know that doesn’t help when you are amidst the pain and the anguish and the exhaustion. Moving forward with time and meeting with your Therapist and talking, learning, and talking DO help eventually.
I remember the times I begged for quick fixes. The quick fixes I tried were just longer fees in therapy, which sucked for the budget!
The fact that you are feeling you are going to screw up big time but able to state it shows that you are VERY responsible. You are living a new life and to want to go back into the old life sounds so familiar and tempting. It’s like a smoker who quit smoking and then is very stressed and WANTS TO SMOKE. The longing to smoke and the temptation that he/she will smoke is overwhelming. But having the longing and acting on the longing are separate.
Do you have an internal accountability person? A time keeper perhaps or a protector of some sort? Those helped me immensely. I had what I thought were really “bad” parts for so long that I didn’t trust because of the things they/I had done in the past and they have become the strong parts of “me” now. I’ll still chuckle when I do something in particular, stating it is “such a so and so” quality! But the ones I’ve hated and despised, have become the more stronger me.
Time and good therapy… and a higher power if you have one.
You ARE doing a good job, A!!! Take it from someone who has been there!
Kes
What do you do when you keep getting thrown into the role of leader and you are the worst possible one that should be leading. Since dx the system if thats what you can call what we have has been turned upside down, and now I find myself doing things I really dont have the skills for and Im not cut out for. I try to help where and when I can but I really am a horrible person, who is not reliable at all, I am selfish and self centred and so not responsible but yet keeping finding myself holding down the fort, I hate it every minute of it and its only a matter of time before I screw up big time it really is, I keep telling T this but she thinks I am doing a good job and that I have low self esteem, I dont, I am unreliable etc I know that and I accept that and can live with it, my self esteem is just fine for the most part I think.
I feel like I live in a soap opera except with no Dane or Ashton to swoon over :), where do I sign up for the lastest experiment to get me out of here, what I wouldnt do to live my own life in my own body.
Sorry for being so negative, but its my reality.
A
Very interesting, but to me, this doesn’t ring quite true. Perhaps I am missing something.
To me, where internal conflict and struggles for power or control are a way of life, it feels that a political analogy is not as apt or as helpful as, say, the metaphor of a family would be. Reason being that the heart of me can’t help, when reading this post, but wonder about who is showing the concerns for the “leader” that the leader is expected to show for everyone else.
We have a council that leads. Leaders from different groups, and a couple overall leaders come together to make decisions. Everyone is represented by one of the leaders on the council. I think our system is juat far too big to be managed by one single person.
Gobbies
Same here. And the *true* leaders of our system are older teens (as opposed to the bigs, who are the *official* leaders, or “leaders of record.” The bigs have the most healing to do, and they’re working on it, but it’s an unbearably slow process.
kesrevive,
I have had two rounds of therapy. The first round was for about 6 years, and it was triggered by my oldest kid reaching the age of my brother when he first molested me, and my youngest being the age I was when it happened. I re-entered therapy 7 years later, triggered by the Catholic abuse crisis – two of my brothers and I were victims of a priest. I share this because I want you to know that you have done nothing wrong, you haven’t failed therapy. 🙂 I felt that for a while. You have just reached another stage. Maybe there was a trigger that you can identify, and that might help. The good news is that going into this round of therapy and depression you have all the skills you learned the first time through. They are there, even if you feel overwhelmed right now.
Keep posting, keep asking for support. You can do this.
Mona
Ones…
Hang in there – was reading your earlier posts. I had “levels” for my inner system and had leaders amongst the levels, sitters for the younger ones, guards for the acting out ones… of course, all of this took many years and many therapists. It was exhausting. But I never had just ONE leader until we became MUCH more integrated. But those known had their jobs and we had a LOT of accountability internally. Kathy had posted earlier about clients respecting their therapists… boy, I sure wore some out and am probably doing that with my new therapist without trying even though I’m not so split anymore. I lost several therapists and friends before I got a working system.
I have found that the difficult “inner” ones CAN become strong leaders with work. I have bravely traveled the single parenting road for nearly 8 years now and couldn’t have done it without my leaders (who have become in essence a more unified me). A couple of these leaders were not so nice 15 years ago or longer. But they are the best now and I understand why I had them during my childhood and am so grateful to them now.
Thanks for responding, Ones. Hang in there. It’s NOT easy but it will become easier (well, I’ll let you know in a few months since I’ve hit a major bump).
Blessings…
Kes
Its hard being a Mom. Really hard.
I have heard that going back for a tune up is quite common.
Sounds like you really love your kids.
I think you will be fine, just proly a little overwhelmed and things will get better w/some support.
I struggle like heck w/only 2 kids. You have my utmost admiration!
Take care,
Ones
I’ve been diagnosed with DID since 1991. I’ve been in and out of therapy and have done well… including raising four kids by myself and they are wonderful and such a blessing!!! HOWEVER…
I have hit a crisis mode out of nowhere. I haven’t been in therapy since 2006 and suddenly am back in therapy with a local agency for survivors of sexual abuse. I’ve healed A LOT in 18 years and I am totally BUMMED that I am back in therapy and back in crisis and back working on issues like abandonment, depression, anger, etc.
I haven’t lost “time” although still can revert to not “feeling” like me. I’m not yet forty but feel OLD.
Is it normal to have to go back TO therapy? Will my D.I.D. issues show back up or is it possible it’s just a need for maintenance? I am suddenly feeling SO needy, fearful of abandonment, suicidal (recently – today I feel more empowered), feel the need to escape by means of cutting or alcohol… but have refrained from doing so. Mostly for the sake of my four children.
HELP! I’m feeling SO overwhelmed.
LOL, I posted same time.
Anyhow Kathy said
“It sounds like your group has learned a lot about positive cooperation. If you have any tips to share about that, I’d be glad to hear them. :)”
Oh YEAH, I would love to hear tips for cooperation!!!!!!!!!
If you got any I really hope you post them here or somewhere or post a link or something.
Not that I desprate or anything…. 😉
Just kinda tired.
Thx
Ones
I kinda think of a leader as a part that will be more neutral and restore order, or try to, when things get chaotic. I think of it as a part that maybe can help to try and lead in sorting out our differences and so move ahead in dealing w/our stuff.
Cuz we are like some other guys here said, too disorganized and too much fighting and meaness.
I think Castorgirl is right in that we need to all work together, but I think for me, the idea of having a leader might be useful, cuz so far, all we do is work at cross purposes alot of the time.
Some know stuff, others don’t. Sometimes mass confusion, sometimes more clear.
I am tired of this, so tired.
Maybe, for me, if a part is willing to lead, well as long as it is nuetral, then thats OK.
All parts won’t trust T for asst reasons, so she can’t really lead, she is just supportive. Sides she not HERE.
If a part is willing to help stop the fights and bring us together more, then that will be good.
But ya, I can surely understand that some would shy strongly away at such an concept 🙁
I wish noboddy ever got hurt.
Ones
Does there have to be a leader?
Basic management tells you that even if there is an elected leader the true power often sits with the informal leaders – the ones which aren’t appointed, but rise to the top through natural leadership skills etc. Another aspect of basic management is the need to work as a team… so is it more important to work as a team or have a leader?
Many of us link the concept of a leader with the concept of authority and all things negative, so we shun the concept of a leader and any part having more power within the system. We’d prefer to work as a co-operative team where everyone has a voice and everyone is listened to.
Hi castorgirl,
Thanks for the comment.
I guess I wouldn’t say there *has* to be a leader… If your system can truly cooperate as a team without a specified leader, that’s great — good for all of you!! I absolutely agree that cooperative teamwork is the very most important aspect for system cooperation. Of course what works for each system is what matters for that system. To each his own, right?! 🙂
I think the majority of system groups do need some sort of leadership, and all systems need some form of process to decide how to make decisions, especially when there are a variety of options available and many wanting or needing different things. I think it’s more typical for someone (or a small group of someones) to step forward as the natural system leader than for everyone to have a completely equal status (its amazing to me that y’all can do that – so good for you!). It could be as simple as the adults leading the children, but it can certainly get more complex than that.
But you’ve made a good point about who the “natural”leaders are vs. the elected leader. That’s a good way of saying it, and that’s fitting along with some of the ways I think about system leadership. It’s not always who people “think” will be the leader — the natural leaders are not always who people expect them to be (ie: the host).
It sounds like your group has learned a lot about positive cooperation. If you have any tips to share about that, I’d be glad to hear them. 🙂
Thanks again,
Kathy
no. i am not a leader. i wish i were. but i’m not. thats why it is so hard for us because no one wants to take control. no one wants to be responsible. we fight constantly. it’s to hard.
“Do you know the life-stories of your various insiders?”
What I wouldn’t give to have the amnesic barriers dissolve so that I did know their (and my!) life stories. I have done everything but stand on my head to help them feel safer and coax them to tell me.
Still, it’s good to see you write about it. I must retain hope that this is where I’m headed.
Its almost comical to listen inside as I read this blog post.
A part is definately intrigued….
But even as it starts to contemplate your questions, another part is vehemently opposed.
Another part chips in that we will never know, the information doesn’t exist.
LOL, someboddy is just pissed off.
Makes my ears ring.
Sometimes I just gotta laff, cuz I dunno WTF else to do.
Its so nuts.
Makes me tired.
I trying to do good.
This post is good, but it not gonna be easy to try and do….
Sigh, nothing internal ever seems to be.
Kathy
Thnks for posting again and such a good post. This my first time posting here but I always come back to read your blog. Im still in denial stage mostly cause theres parts that dont want help and theres lots of hiding and trickery goin on. Much like wat Poetry escape says.
Thank you so much for this. Our host is not our system leader and so many blogs we read of people integrating from DID seem to have the host as in charge and communicating with everyone inside. For us we have a definite leader inside, a wise self who co-ordinates and looks after the system, and a real life host who is still unwilling to acknowledge or even try to accept we are many despite the efforts of the therapist.
Kinda been wondering when next post would come….and here it is! Least you ok huh?
Much food for thot indeed.
Our problem is there is not much trust btwn parts even. Cuz parts attack other parts and/or are critical and mean to them. Thats why we like having a T, cuz she a neutral (MOSTLY) party and will speak up to parts that are being mean.
Noboddy knows everything. There’s one that seems to know more, but NOBODDY wants to really know anything….
This is VERY interesting, I really gonna have to think on it.
I like too, that you differentiate btwn and outside and inside leader, good point.
Yup, I gonna think on this.
Thanks for this post, I like this one.
Ones
lol, yep, I’m still here, Ones. And very ok.
Life just gets complicated and way tooo busy sometimes!
So … even if take a little break, I’ll be back. 🙂
I’m glad you liked the post. It’s all meant as “food for thought” so … if it’s got you thinking, then we’re both doing something good. 🙂
Kathy
Wow. Absolutely Wonderful Post – Thank YOU!!!!
Kathy,
Thanks for the helpful post. We are currently struggling to figure out who our leader actually is. But what if not everyone knows of each other? Does that make them not the leader? And when it comes to the host/front part. The person who was formally the front part has not been out for quite some time. We don’t mind taking turns but it was just easier when she was out to help.
Thanks
Hi hopefortrauma,
It sounds like you are still getting to know your system… Getting to know each other is a significant step for your healing… and it takes a long time, so just keep at it. It’s definitely important…
You might find some “leaders for now” in the people that you know, and/or your deeper internal leaders may not be known to you yet. Some hints to find system leaders could include:
Who is reaching out to build connections with other parts? Who seems to be able to know people from more than one internal grouping? Can you tell who seems to have more internal strength? ie: if one part says “no!” to something, who’s vote seems to carry more weight than the votes of others? Who is naturally more involved in decision-making processes, and who gets what they want more often than the others?
Team-work — strive for that. Your system leaders will emerge, but in the meantime, the more you work at building connections and cooperation with each other, that will help with the daily routine.
I wish you the best — good luck!
Kathy