There are thousands of clinical therapists in the world.
However, of all the therapists in the world, only a few work with trauma and PTSD.
Of all the trauma therapists, only a few work with the areas of sexual abuse and severe trauma.
Of those therapists, only a few work with dissociative disorders, DID/MPD and DDNOS.
Of the DID therapists, only a very few work with issues relating to organized perpetrator groups.
And in that small subset of therapists, only a few work with more than two or three dissociative survivors at any one time.
And it is the rare therapist among that already vanishingly small number who stay in the field for more than a few years… or long enough to gain the experience they would need in order to be most helpful to the population of clients they serve.
So of all the thousands and thousands of therapists in the world, there are relatively very few who will have the kind of knowledge and experience that you are looking for when you need a specialist in the areas of trauma and dissociation.
Why do so many therapists refuse to work in this area when there is so much need?
And why do so many therapists leave the field after committing years of dedication to dissociative survivors?
It’s time to be honest.
First – please remember, I am one of the rare few who has stayed loyal and passionately dedicated to the fields of trauma and dissociation for more than 25 years. It is hard to find trauma therapists with that much commitment to the dissociative population.
I am on your side.
I will prove that over and over, and I am going to be honest with you.
Ready?
Here it comes….
DID’ers can be a difficult population of people for therapists to manage and address properly and correctly.
Gasp!
(She didn’t just say that.)
(Oh yes, she did.)
Yep, I said it. I know — brave of me?? Or stupid of me ???
Please keep reading, and please!! No throwing of rotten tomatoes at me !!
Most of you know this already statement to be true already, even if you are surprised I would say that out loud. You already know how difficult it is — I’m sure you do.
Now please don’t get me wrong or misunderstand my purpose for saying that.
I promise you — my intention is not to hurt you. My motive is to teach you something really important. It’s important because there is a real and genuine problem with not enough mental health professionals being willing to work in this field. It creates a shortage, and leaves many, many survivors without healing resources. That’s not okay. We need more DID specialists out there in the world!
And remember this truth as well:
Many of you are absolutely wonderful – without question, the most incredible heroes and the very most courageous people I have ever met. Those of you in this category are absolute diamonds, and I really cannot say enough positive things about you. You all are truly inspirational, and I am honored to work beside you.
Okay, so moving forward with the point of this post.
Unfortunately, the DID survivors who are genuinely dedicated to their therapy and who work hard to achieve their deepest healing are all too often undermined by a few survivors who are willing to do anything but work on their healing. This dynamic can be especially visible in group settings, forum groups, and inpatient treatment centers.
Oh, these troubled survivors will SAY they are working in therapy…. They will CLAIM they are dedicated to their healing…. They go through the motions, and they spout all the right words. To a point. And then they don’t anymore.
Because in reality, this small number of survivors is more interested in hurting other people than they are in healing their own pain. They are more interested in destroying others than they are in helping themselves. They are willing to lie about anything or anyone just to get attention drawn to themselves. They are very destructive and they are very sick. What’s worse – they might even be doing this purposefully, to discredit you, your therapy process, and your healing journey.
And these destructive survivors could be costing you a lot more than you realize.
Ouch.
I am sure as a population, this is not pleasant to hear.
*** Don’t worry — there are mental health professionals, and alleged DID therapists, who most certainly give the mental health profession a bad name as well. That is absolutely true. But for now, we’ll save that giant can of messy worms for another day.
Please know that I am not saying this to all DID survivors.
This is not a confrontation to everyone.
Those of you who are genuinely dedicated to your healing know exactly what I am talking about – I’m sure – because you have most likely already witnessed your healing resources being used up, beat up, and exhausted by fellow survivors whose intentions were far from honorable. Maybe you are as tired of that happening as I am.
The survivors who do this are sabotaging those of you who are truly trying to heal.
This is because the therapeutic field gets completely burnt out by “the troubled ones” and ends up not having the time or energy or interest to work with you. Many talented therapists simply refuse to risk working with other survivors after they have had some bad experiences with these destructive survivors.
So… the troubled survivors who are undermining your therapists are doing harm to themselves, to the therapists, and to you. They are attacking, abusing, and destroying your therapeutic resources, leaving you with less. These “bad apples” can potentially give the whole dissociative population a bad name, and frankly, this kind of behavior should not be tolerated by any of us.
These are the people who need a lot of boundaries given to them, even from their peers and fellow survivors.
Let me put it this way. I don’t defend the lousy therapists out there in the world. If their approach to DID healing is atrocious, then it’s atrocious. Just them presenting themselves as a “mental health professional” doesn’t mean I have to agree with their poor approaches to DID therapy or stand on their side. No way Josè. Instead… I separate myself from working with folks like that. I don’t want to be associated with them in any way.
My loyalty stays with whoever works for healthy, genuine, safe healing.
And that’s what I’m encouraging you to consider as well.
Now what?
If we want mental health professionals to stay working in the fields of trauma and dissociation, it is important to make that work worth it to them, and not an “exhausting nightmare” for them.
I am not saying that you have to feed the egos of the therapists, or provide support for them, or do any freaky weird boundary violations to keep your therapist happy. Any therapist needing these things from you is already crossing boundaries inappropriately. And of course, not all therapists are healthy or well-suited for working with trauma survivors anyway. Many therapists truly need to work elsewhere, and that is okay. There are plenty of other options for these clinicians.
Healthy therapists want you to make their work worth it by allowing them to genuinely do their job. We want you to address your issues, work on your healing, stay focused on your system, be honest with your feelings, etc. If you will do your job of focusing completely on your own healing, we as therapists will be thrilled with that.
Your genuine progress will be our reward.
That being said, what can you do to protect the relationship you have with your therapist in particular?
And how can you do your part to protect the resources available in the therapeutic community, so that therapists are more motivated to enter and remain in the field, and more survivors have the opportunity to work with truly skilled professionals?
How can you separate yourself from those survivors who are destructive?
How can you make sure you are helping the problem, and not creating the problem?
Here are some ideas of what NOT to do:
- Don’t lie to yourself and expect others to believe you.
- Don’t lie to your therapist. How can you heal if you are not honest in your sessions?
- Don’t lie about a therapist. Don’t believe lies about a therapist.
- Don’t gossip about a therapist. Don’t believe gossip about a therapist. Don’t spread unfounded false allegations. Don’t chase off or destroy therapeutic resources with false accusations.
- Don’t forget to examine your transference feelings, and recognize them as transference issues. Don’t forget how projection, transference, displacement, and amnesia can affect your thinking. Work openly and genuinely on these issues instead of blaming the therapist.
- Don’t attack a therapist because you are too afraid to address the real source of your anger.
- Don’t let therapists become the “bad guys” in your definition. Healthy therapists are your helpers. They are there to help with your healing. Learn quickly how to define the helpers from the hurters, and address that confusion as often as necessary.
- Don’t assume that all trauma survivors are automatically being honest with you (or themselves) when they are trashing a therapist. Remember, they may be in the “hate” cycle of the love-hate dynamic.
- Don’t assume that all trauma survivors are working for the betterment of the survivor community. Some so-called survivors are truly moles from the dark sides of the world, and are here to cause trouble in any way they can.
- Don’t let your jealousies and insecurities consume you and destroy your focus. If you want your therapist all to yourself, hire them to work 40 hrs per week at their full hourly rates. If that is not an option, be mature enough to know your therapist is going to have other clients.
Here are some ideas about what TO do:
- Be genuinely honest with your yourself. The more honest you are, the more healing you will accomplish.
- Be genuinely honest with your therapist. Your therapist can help best when they genuinely understand the issues.
- Remember that your healing is to be focused on you, your behavior, your feelings, your mistakes, your strengths, your weaknesses, etc. Your therapy is about you, so keep the topics focused on you, even when it is hard to look at yourself.
- Do your own internal system homework in between sessions. Your healing will progress as you put your own time and effort into it.
- Be kind, appreciative, thankful, and polite. This doesn’t mean to grovel or do penance. Just use normal social manners and social politeness.
- Remember that your therapist does not have to be your emotional (or physical) punching bag. If you are hitting too hard, redirect your anger towards your abusers, where it belongs.
- Give yourself adequate time to work through the complexities of your healing process. An experienced therapist will not rush you, and it is truly okay for you to take as much time to heal as you need.
- Separate yourself from other survivors who are troublemakers and instigators of negative drama. Just like school days, if you hang out with people causing harm, you’ll end up doing the same, or being tangled in their web. Their poor behavior will cost you. You can decide if that is worth it to you or not.
- Ignore the drama queens determined to cause trouble in front of you. If you refuse to buy into their antics, they will move on to other pastures. If you give drama precedence over your own healing, you will not be progressing in your own healing. Protect the entire dissociative community by supporting your therapeutic resources.
- Remember to think for yourself. All too often, survivors listen to any strong, authoritative voice that tells them what to do. If someone is telling you negative things about your therapist, set a boundary, stop, and re-evaluate all sides of your situation.
- Talk openly with your therapist about any concerns you have. Give yourself the chance to problem-solve any difficulties or conflicts that arise. Working through conflicts is an important part of your healing process, and it does not necessarily require a therapeutic rupture.
If you can truly apply these guidelines, you will be honoring your own healing.
You will also be showing respect to your individual therapist, protecting other ongoing therapeutic relationships, supporting the greater survivor community, and enhancing the larger therapeutic community.
Maybe most of you think that you are not actively involved in the destruction of the therapeutic resources, but if you support it, believe it, allow it to go on by your “friends”, etc, then you could be more involved than you realize.
You can either help to maintain effective therapeutic resources, or you can allow their destruction.
It’s a conscious decision that each one of you has to make.
Everyone, including the mental health professionals, has to do their part in protecting the few therapeutic resources available for dissociative survivors. We can choose to support the destructive people, or we can choose to walk away from them, and get along with the work for genuine healing.
Remember, if you genuinely focus on yourself and your own healing, then you are doing all you need to do.
You deserve peace, kindness, and compassion. Let’s keep those options available for you. And you. And you. And you.
I wish you the very best in your healing journey, with the very best therapist you can find.
Check out this looooong list made by DID Survivors:
Warmly,
Kathy
Copyright © 2008-2018 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
Do you think that some in the system can be. Disruptive, destructive , and none respectful. That the others that follow through with homework and genuinely care about the therapist out weighs the negativity of the other system parts? Or any and all Choice, and types of head mates can Break down the therapist? So a working relationship can’t work?
Just re-reading this thread and realizing all the parts needed to make a successful therapy experience..whatever that means. We are doing better after a couple of weeks away from the therapist. We reconnected and things went better with out last meeting. We dealt with being “drugged” to be more cooperative to my Dad when he molested me. We have felt sick and unraveled since our last meeting, esp. since my therapist revealed she doesn’t really hug clients much, and lots of stuff about boundaries.
We have a problem with boundraries- ours were violated so much, we don ‘t know what to say, how to be a good “client’ whatever that means. I can only do what I can do. I am not perfect. We have so much chaos and stress right now; it is no wonder we are feeling a little more “needy” than usual.
We have worked out our issues, but my child parts just want a hug, and a no hug policy hurt us badly. We don’t get it. All we ever wanted was to be safe and loved. Now we have to understand we don’t get love from our therapist. Just boundaries. That makes us hurt and angry. We are feeling overwhelmed.
We have issues with the word NO. So triggered by saying NO basicly. I told her, maybe she should get some therapy homework and HUG some people. Then maybe she will feel better and not so moody herself.
Feeling hurt and confused. 8/31/18
Hello DK,
I’m just wanting you to know that I am reading your words and feeling so strongly that you just deserve to be loved and cared for. I hear you and wish things were easier for you and your t. You are so good at communicating how you feel and I hope your T knows that it’s who you are and that she accepts that.
I hope you get a hug soon. Hugs from me if you want them.
MultipleMe
9/1/18
Greetings, we were with the same therapist for about 25 years, she retired in 2013. Since then we’ve been seen 4 therapist one of those who fell asleep in session twice. This post has us questioning our Apple 🍎 tendencies…Thanks for the points to ponder.
Though we may share the same system, some Ofus don’t agree we have Apple 🍎 tendencies. Our therapist of 25+ years set an example that did NOT include abuse of any kind. Yes there were misunderstandings, frustrations, often very little movement forward and mistakes (a.k.a. growing opportunities) on both our parts. It is those very issues that arise that simulates early relationships and development this allows milestones to be worked through. Gaining new understanding and skills that didn’t exist in our family of origin requires hard work. We were never abusive and worked hard at keeping internal hooligans from fronting. Withholding information was seen as a means of protecting T and was frankly exhausting. We learned from her what consistent, caring kindness , and attunement looks like, feels like, and behaves like. We refuse to settle for less than we deserve. It always takes months before we choose to leave therapy to be certain our unhealthy attachment style, borderline tendencies, and internal influences aren’t the source – that we are choosing to act not react. Please listen, hear us, the others Ofus you are not the reason we currently don’t have a therapist. You matter, you are not bad, and you’ve done nothing wrong. Hang in there, things will workout. Never give up!
Yay. Ofus tries to listen and be kind inside. When we read how patiently you choose—as opposed to react—we feel like you are being effective. We have felt like one of our Ts doesn’t really get us after 1.5 years. We’ll think, check inside for saboteurs, and make sure we choose, not react. Thanks for posting. 4/30/18
Yous are most welcome. Thanks for sharing your internal and therapeutic experiences. We appreciate the cheering too. Peace and blessings to yous.
Hi Ofus,
It certainly does sound that you are the kind of client that Kathy would say a therapist would welcome. Certainly, I wish to support your encouragement to “the others Ofus” that you all matter, and you are not bad. I cannot imagine that you have done anything wrong either from what you describe here. Yes please do hang in there and do not give up. And, please keep coming here. We can never replace a good therapist in your life but we can certainly help support you while you try to find a new one.
You know, I read Kathy’s blog here and many of the comments. Actually, I stopped reading the comments because they annoyed me. I do not like displays of “acting out” here in this community (where I see it as trying to tear down the community). Okay, my bias but I really think that the thrust of Kathy’s blog was misunderstood (in the more benign comments) and deliberately twisted (in the more self-serving comments) here. So, while I encourage others to read Kathy’s posting, I am not inclined to encourage anyone reading the comments section (or to do so carefully) – then again, I am asking you to read my comments – hahahaha – I am aware of the double standard of my comment here.
There are good therapists and not so good therapists. Yes, that is true. But, we also have to remember that sometimes even really good therapists may not be a good fit for us. That does not make the therapist bad or us bad. It just means that we have to keep looking for the therapist that fits. Just as there is no one size fits all way of working with DID folks, there is not a one size fits all therapist to work with all DID folks. Our long list of qualities of a good therapist that Kathy posted for us on the “Qualities You’ll Find in an Exceptional DID Trauma Therapist” blog is testimony to that fact. Lots and lots of different ideas there.
One fact about therapists is undeniable and fits all – therapists are humans and have a life too! So, that means that they can screw up for sure … and some do. I would venture to say that most do not (well, at least from my experience over the past 35 years and some two dozen therapists I worked with in one capacity or another). As much as we might want them to be devoted to us and our issues 24/7, they are not; cannot be (for their health and well-being as well as ours); nor should they be. So, that means that, while we may wish for something more personally intense, that expectation is not realistic or fair. To act out on our Ts in unreasonable, aggressive, demanding, stalking, threatening, perpetually-clinging or needy ways, etc. is NOT appropriate nor should it be tolerated.
Now, yes folks who choose to become therapists understand that there are going to be more challenging clients. That does not mean that they have to choose to work with those clients. And, if they do not want to work with more challenging clients then good on them for setting their boundaries, saying so and allowing you to find someone better suited to your needs. Those therapists that do sign on for the long haul have a right to change their minds along the way as well if they feel that they cannot continue working with a client. They have not signed on for a lifetime with us.
For me, the bottom line in this blog was that we have to take responsibility for ourselves folks. Having DID does not give us a “you have to succumb to all of my wishes” card. Yes we had awful things happen to us but that does not mean that we can in turn be awful to others. And, it is not good enough to blame it on our alters. Our alters are us. And, while we may not have a great deal of control over what our alters say and do at times (well, at the beginning of our work at least) we certainly have to be mindful to work with these alters to build mutual respect and reasonable behaviours AND/OR, to work with some of our inside helpers to mediate with these alters. In the end, we are responsible for what we do and say. If that gets too much for our Ts, they have a right to choose not to work with us.
Yes, and when we see deliberate, bad behaviour in our DID community, it is up to us to call it out. Just as I hope that the therapeutic community would call out bad therapists, we need to make our DID community accountable as well. Not that I have personally seen that here as long as I have been participating (i.e., I cannot comment on what happened before I started reading/participating). You all have been great folks so please know that I am not talking about any of you.
Okay … end of rant.
ME+WE
04/30/2018
ME + WE great thoughts here. I like that you are reminding DID folks about boundaries. We have trouble with being very needy with our therapist. We don’t feel very heard by other people in our life.
I have a very difficult situation in that my Mother is dying, and my step-father was the abuser. My in-laws live far away as do all family members.
We have a difficult relationship with our marriage; and he doesn’t like to discuss our parts or mental health stuff.
We don’t feel like we can share our DID with any friends out there; just maybe the PTSD diagnoses.
So we rely on the therapist more than maybe what is healthy. We are working with our old therapist who moved, but then she missed 2 appt. in a row and we only got to talk on the phone.
Some of our protector parts are so angry, and the younger ones are in mourning because they miss seeing her in person.
We recently got the chance to start texting her, but she is slow to respond to emails or texts. We have been feeling abandoned lately and had a big meltdown today over it.
She did assure me she wasn’t abandoning us, but we felt that way because she didn’t meet us like she said she would.
So how do we create better boundaries when we do have low self-esteem, and “mother” issues, “father issues” and we want to get better.
We have had a rough couple of weeks trying to re-establish therapy but it has been hard.
Dear DK,
My heart goes out to you. Please know that I hear your pain and I so wish that there was some way that I could help. Certainly my posting was about the normal everyday life that we lead. Okay, I can hear the collective cry that nothing in our lives is normal everyday stuff. We have everyday needs and issues that are beyond “normal” I do understand that. Heck, I know that from personal experience. Please know that I am not discounting our chaos and pain in any way.
You clearly are going through a very stressful, heartbreaking and especially chaotic time DK. I am so sorry to hear that you are having problems connecting with your old T especially at a time like this … wow … that really hurts I am sure. My T is my rock so I understand. I can not get through my week without her. It’s okay to be needy. I do not think that any of us discounts that or feels that that is not appropriate. I am crazy needy of my T but do keep it to myself most of the time. But, I have stepped out of the bounds of just our weekly contract at times when I was in crisis. No credible and compassionate T would take issue with that I feel.
What can we do to help you DK?
It sounds like it has been a rough start up with your old T. I do hope that this settles down and you get to have regular time with her that is not interrupted or cancelled. I understand you need to have that stability in your life especially right now. That is certainly very reasonable and understandable in my mind.
All I can say DK is that I will not abandon you here. I care about you and want to listen and want to help in any way that I can. I understand how lonely this journey can be. My husband is supportive but still he cannot really be there fully for me nor can my few friends that I talk to. There is something so deeply private and beyond the ability of others to hear and understand. Our Ts are certainly the safe place where these words can be spoken. I wish to think that our community here is also a place where our truth can be told. Maybe not in the emotional detail that we would with our T but in a way that unburdened us from the secrets and lies we were forced to live with.
I want you to know that you have a lifeline here DK. You may be navigating through turbulent waters but we are here to be the rock that you can rest upon. It is tough … so darn tough, but you are not going through this alone. We are here. I am here. I so wish that I could jump through the virtual wall that we have between us here and just sit with you and offer you my shoulder to lean on and my arms to hold you up through this all.
Send warm positive thoughts, energy and wishes your way. Next time you sit with a cup of tea and a quiet moment, pretend that I am there and talk to me as if I truly was. I promise to be there in spirit to hear and hold loving space for you.
ME+WE
03/30/2018
Me + We thank you so much for your kindness and compassion. We are doing better today, and we had such a melt down yesterday that we had to talk through some anger and frustration and disappointment with our therapist. We were able to talk again, and it calmed my parts down just to talk with her and know she was there for us on a really hard day.
We were really tough on her; a protective teenager came down hard on her for missing. in the end, we are going to give it a go; and we are not angry anymore. Just getting used to her again after a few months off; and the same with her getting used to us.
We are trying to deal with some of the protector and angry parts and teach them skills, and let them remember abuse and truama, and allow them to feel the way they feel.
Do you guys try to convince some of your angry or sad parts coping skills so they have better ways to heal. We tend to cry; get defensive, get angry, do a lot of blaming and accusing and it is not helpful. It hurts friends and loved ones, and we want to do better.
Sometimes I feel like there are more questions than answers in this journey of life, esp. navigating the DID. It is confusing. it is exhausting.
My Dr. wants to put me on a sleep aid to help with sleep too. This is stressing us out b/c we don’t want yet another med.
So I recently had a weird thing happen. I heard music late at night in my house and searched and searched, but there was no music playing. Then when I went in my basement, I saw a small child sitting in a little chair, just for a few seconds, and then she was gone.
I went to a new Dr. for medications, and he thought I was in psychosis and wants me to take trazadone for help sleeping. He wanted to put me on an anti-psychotic, but I wasn’t wanting that.
I am working on my DID parts, and I am fairly early on in my treatment; and I dream a lot about things related to my truamas.
Have any of you guys taken Trazadone for sleeping/psychosis? How did it effect your ability to think? Function? Reason? Dream? I have children and I also run a business, and I don’t want to “lose” any loss of reason/ability to function – be high function.
Any help you can give would be appreciated. I am feeling scared to take this medicine. I don’t sleep very well in general, but I also don’t want to be on a second anti-depressant.
Thanks, DK 5/2
Hey DK,
Trazadone helped us sleep. It gave me a hangover. Really felt like I drank a ton the night before kind of hangover but after the first night that side effect went away. When we took it we had to be ready for bed right then cuz when it kicked in we couldn’t fight it. It was helpful for us with none of those weird side effects (like driving while asleep). Just the one word of caution about being ready for bed right when you take it is all I can think of. Maybe dry mouth was something too but can’t remember. Even though it’s an anti-depressant it never gave us the effects we usually had from anti-depressants. If you get a hangover just remember that goes away after one or two days. 5/2
Does it affect your ability to dream? I often work on trauma while I sleep. I have dreams that are helping us unravel our past. Some parts are processing trauma while we sleep.
We work as a cleaner during the mornings, so we are worried about that. We would like to keep working.
Also does trazadone affect your ability to be aware of your parts and internal communication? Does it affect your concentration?
We can’t remember. It’s been so long since the last time we took it. I don’t think it interferes with any of those but idk. I dont think it should interfere with work or concentration.
Hi DK,
My nocturnal dreams have been an incredible source of internal communication. I totally understand your need and desire to continue to do dreamwork. It can be incredibly important in therapy. I have found my therapy dreams to be really important to share with my therapist. Things come out in dreams that I am just not aware of and it has been a really important part of building the therapeutic relationship for all of my parts.
I resist medications and thankfully my T is not a fan of medications either. She doesn’t think I am psychotic when I ‘see’ parts. It often happens when I am at my appointments. She knows that I know they are a visual representation of a part of me and that I am not psychotic….just dissociative. 🙂 And there IS a difference. Trust your instincts with medications. You truly know what is best for you.
Part of the reason I resist medications is that they never work the way they are supposed to for me. I have had general anesthesia once and even though I was asleep, I was very much aware of what happened in the surgery, could hear or remember bits of conversation, and knew before I opened my eyes in recovery that things did not go as planned. Also, I was sedated recently for a colonoscopy and woke up in the middle and started talking to the nurse anesthetist, I completely startled everyone in the room and they promptly increased dosages. But even after the increased dosages, while I couldn’t move my body, I was very much aware of what people were saying and I was feeling what was happening to my body even though I was supposedly ‘asleep’ and taking a drug that supposedly causes amnesia.
I firmly believe that I have parts that stay awake while I sleep….even under the influence of very strong medication, like general anesthesia and IV sedation. These parts pay attention when I am not. They know what is happening to the body. They listen to what is happening in the room.
I have worked on sleep issues by having ongoing communications with different parts about what they need to be able to sleep. And I have followed through. For the most part, it works.
I hope this was helpful and that you are able to work with your system to find the best solutions for you!
~ neo
Neo, Thanks so much this is very helpful to me. We are scared to take this medication. Some reviews said it also caused weight gain. We don’t want that, either.
Thanks, DK
5/5/18
we take trazadone because we have had insomnia since kindergarten.
we tried a lot of other medications first. trazadone is the only one that ever worked well.
no side effects at all. no drowsiness or dizziness or anything. and we take the highest dose allowed.
Thank you for this information, Caden. This is very helpful.
Hi DK,
It sounds like your are working to find some equilibrium with your T. That is great. Remember that you are not the same person that you were several months ago so there is some sharing and reacquainting to do. But, you are well on your way. Sorting out differences with your T can actually strengthen your bond.
I try to build cooperation with my insiders but I must admit that my singularly angry insider is a bit of a stranger to me. My T has encouraged her to come out in sessions and she is starting to talk. But, it has been a rough ride for the last six months. She vacillates between wanting to destroy me to just ignoring me (while doing self-destructive things). The ultimate goal is to build a relationship of communication and mutual respect but it has been slow going. For now, I am happy that she is talking with my T and working her issues out. Some of my other insiders warned my T to be careful, but my T just welcomes my angry one and tells her how pleased she is to talk with her. Then my T talks to me about how important my anger is – that it is an important part of my survival and was/is very justified. The idea here is to have me stop stifling my anger but it scares the heck out of me. So, baby steps …
Yes my doc put me on Trazadone. I was not happy to do it but my T explained to me that it was just an aid and that I cannot heal if I am too tired to do my work. She said just have it at hand in case that you need it. So, that is what I do. Truthfully, sometimes it does not work for me. I am thinking because when I am trying to knock myself out one of my alters is in play (my angry one) and she is resistant to the medication somehow. Anyway, I did not find that it stopped me from dreaming. My T has said to use my dreams to access my subconscious (i.e., ask myself a question before I go to sleep and see what comes out in my dreams). But, she cautioned me not to get too deeply into trauma stuff. After all, we do need to get some sleep too.
ME+WE
05/04/2018
ME + WE, you’re comments are very helpful to me. We are happy to have a therapist who is listening to us, and we are even allowed to text her with different “parts” responding. So it is helping us. My angry part holds so much truama, she is defensive, easily annoyed, easily angered, impulsive, doesn’t slow down much. Sometimes she doesn’t even understand the triggers as to why she is upset. She says mean things to people, she can be insensitive. But she is a survivor. We think she is actually a child. Weird, eh? So we are learning more all the time.
We are very reluctant to take the trazadone, but that is why we wanted to ask all of you, friends, for advice. We often don’t sleep well, and wake up looking like we haven’t slept for days with black under our eyes that ages us. :0(
Have you guys been able to learn how to get your angry parts “heard” and calmed down? We are trying super hard to use DBT techniques, but it is slowly helping us. We are teaching each part the skills but we have to remember them first!
Thanks for your input.
Wow! There is a lot here. I admit, I didn’t read all of the comments (no attention span today). Kathy — I’m glad you clarified with a list of the examples of “bad” acts. I see that a lot had the same reaction as us. Often we feel like we are the bad client; the one our T (not a specialist) can’t wait to get rid of. We do struggle a lot with denial still. But we definitely do NOT do any of those extremes. I would like to say that I cant believe people do that stuff, but I’ve been inpatient enough to see the extremes presented. I can’t imagine how exhausting that would be for a T to deal with. I often worry about being too much. I worry about my t getting burnt out. We’ve done some rupture repair work. but i do struggle with sharing what I’m experiencing in the moment. I learned from a group therapy setting how frustrating that can be to want to help someone but that can’t give you anything. I really am glad that this blog exists for both patients and t’s to use as a resource.
Thank you for what you are doing.
i just wanted to thank you. I only experience slightly minor dissociation. I don’t have DID, just asd ptsd, mdd gad and sud. But besides accepting a disability cheque for the autism i hadn’t, been diagnosed
with anything else into a few months ago and began starting trauma therapy two months ago. I just
didn’t believe i was worth it or fixable. but a recent crisis made me realize i had to work to change
simply as a matter of survival.
So I am. Working hard emotionally in therapy and addiction counseling. But my reaction was to this
to begin with was deeply transferential. I just felt hurt by it, both for myself and others. I felt like lashing out and cherry picking every thing in the article that sounds mean or like it could be mean
and trying to make the author or anyone who felt that way feel bad about a supposed lack of empathy.
But i am realizing i am often wrong about such things and decided to read the comments. I am so glad
i did. The word’s pilgrim wrote and the spirit behind it. I need to be more grateful. I did go through a very tough childhood and quite frankly. And perhaps i do need a holding and containing. in therapy. The world cannot and will not provide it. I am a thirty six year old man who has been acting like a fifteen year old my entire life. I should be grateful to the addictions counselors who have provided this apartment for me, I was distressed that it was so small and cold and genuinely slummy. But it is a heck of a lot better than the snowbank outside. And after this crisis my people had had enough. It might not
have been the snowbank this time but this would likely have been the last time.
I should be grateful that the worker there meets with me twice a week and is so kind. He helps me with
meetings, forms, groups. Today when i admitted to him that i had bought a bottle of liquor that i really
didn’t want to drink, he knew I can’t “waste” it or have it in the house so he bought the bottle from me.
I should be grateful to my sister for finding me a part time job. It is fourteen hours a week as a janitor but it is a lot better than the no job I had throughout the bulk of my life.
I should be grateful to my therapist. She had the good sense to explain that we would have to titrate to one sessions a week but she would do two a week for ten weeks. In return, without being asked I never phone her and I always show up on time. The one time I really did get the time, but not day, wrong, because it was five days and I have a hard time remembering past two days. I wept badly and she was so nice. I should be grateful. I am grateful. Thank you pilgrim, tuck
Wow. Best post ever . In a way I am relieved that I’m not the only way with an angry abusive part. In another way, I am sad that I have hurt my therapist with this part. I am felling very happy that she has stuck with me through this difficult year and addressed concerns as they have come up.
So I am blessed to be in a position where she hasn’t given up on me. It is very humbling b/c I don’t want her to ever quit. I will keep working on stuff and i hope this part is able to learn how to deal with people.
Thank you for this site! I find it fascinating!
Sigh. Know how we have sabotaged some therapy ourselves. It’s been a learning process and MUCH work on our end.
We have tended to choose the “wrong therapist” or helper on many occasions. From non professional pastors, “Christian counseling”, to professional ones who had no clue how to help.
This has lead to more hurt. Yet, we keep on plugging away to find and get the help we need to heal.
We are SO committed to healing. We do want a better life. It seems like we keep choosing wrong people or circumstances that get us hurt in the long run.
There has been so much harm done to this system in the name of the persuit of healing. You would be surprised at how far we have gone.. and still go.
It just hurts when the people we build trust with end up hurting us in some fashion. Not by our doing but because of their own issues or downright utter betrayal and preying on the vulnerability of our system.
We hope we aren’t seen as one of those trouble makers. We know and understand how it could and does appear that way. We have insiders whose job is to keep a distance.
“Chief” sits by watching, guarding one precious specific insider. His job, to take anyone.. including therapists.. get them side tracked. This protects the insder and the one helping from getting consumed in our flames of distruction.
Incredibly difficult job and he is actually very passionate. It comes across not that way and people get discouraged working with him.
So.. yeah. Ummm.. still hoping here. And finding help here.
Thank you Kathy
Pepol shud be nice to there t. Them shud respect there t. That be impotint. You therapist take good care of you and try to help you. That be nice. Pepol shudnt take that for grantid. It be hard to find a good t. I hope if pepol got a good t they tell them thank you lots. We got the best t. We love her. It be nice to let pepol no you apresheate them.pepol dont say thank you enuff in the hole world.it be impotint. From tuck
up until this past session I thought I was doing ok in my therapy. But I tend to avoid the anger and tears and will start talking about other things. I am not happy about this and my t agreed that she would keep me on track. She is not convinced that I have moved on from my past. This is true. I was just referring to some feelings in a note I wrote as a teen that I had hoped I had gotten over. Shes noticed me badmouthing myself. I want to heal but I’m stuck and not sure if I’ve upset my therapist by not staying on track. I don’t want to be a bad client
My T and I had a related discussion. I always worried if I was worth it. Guess you settled that question. Thanks Kathy.
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