It always amazes me when dissociative trauma survivors tell me that after they’ve met three or four of their inside alters (or maybe even a few more than that, but not many), that they think they’ve met everyone in their system. They think they don’t have that many dissociative splits in their DID system, or they think that they are “done” meeting their insiders.
That never makes sense to me.
Oh, I understand why the survivors would want to believe they have so few others inside, but that hope rarely matches with the actual amount of dissociative symptoms that they experience in their lives.
For example, if someone is still losing time, but they believe that have a good solid relationship with the parts that they know – then why are they losing time? Yes, it is possible that someone you know in your system can still block you out of awareness at certain times.
Then again, if everyone you know in your system said they did not know what happened during a period of lost time, then it only makes sense to realize there are other parts of the system out and in charge during that missing time. If all of you are losing time, then there are more insiders yet to meet.
In my definition, meeting new insiders is a sign of progress.
Meeting new parts is not the same as creating new parts – they are simply finding the parts that have been hiding from them all along behind strong dissociative walls.
Any time you can reclaim more of the information that had been previously blocked from you via dissociation, you are making progress.
Learning about your system and your history are always steps of progress.
So who should you look for or when will you know if there are more parts to meet?
All dissociative trauma survivors have their own unique system, of course. No one’s system is exactly like anyone else’s.
There is no right or wrong for how big or how elaborate your system is. You would have split as many times as you had to, and you will have as many parts as you needed.
However, there are some common types of alters that exist in most DID survivors. This is a non-exhaustive list:
Also, please note: your inside parts may start off in these categories, but their roles can change and develop over time.
1. Outside Host parts.
Check to see who was the host at various times in your life. This role can change and be assigned from part to part to part through time. Host parts are the ones assigned to deal with the outside world. They are often the ones who went to school, or who go to work. They deal with the interactions with outside people, and often use the legal name (but not always).
2. Inside Child parts.
Your dissociative splitting would have started prior to age 7, so you will definitely have at least one child part, however, most DID survivors have bunches of child parts.
3. System Parts who are happy and trauma-free.
These parts do not remember any trauma whatsoever. They can be of any age, but they believe they had a completely safe and happy childhood / adult life. Some parts might believe there was childhood abuse, but they can be blocked from the awareness of abuse happening in the adult years.
4. Parts who are created to manage the outside world.
These parts may be the ones that went to school, or go to work, or handle social situations. They are typically quite separate from the trauma-holders or those that hold intense emotions. These parts may not be aware of a lot of trauma, they may hold a lot of denial, and they have the job to look as normal as possible. They will help the person get through life by doing normal things.
5. System Parts who don’t remember anything good happening.
If there are parts that only remember good things, there will absolutely be parts that only remember painful, not-so-good things. They contain the information that the normal daytime “happy” parts were not allowed to know, experience, or remember.
6. System parts who know a lot of trauma memory information.
These are the parts that either experienced or witnessed the trauma, abuse, neglect, etc. Getting to know these parts will involve listening to stories about the trauma, body memories about the trauma, flashbacks of the trauma, etc. It is common for there to be numerous parts to handle various types of abuses by various perpetrators. For example, one part may have managed a specific kind of abuse by perpetrator A. Another part may have handled a different kind of abuse by perpetrator A. Another part may have handled the abuse by perpetrator B. Yet another part handled the abuse by perpetrator C. And so forth.
7. System parts who contain a specific emotion.
Many people split off various emotions into parts to contain those intense overwhelming emotions. If you believe, for example, that you never feel anger, you will likely have other parts in your system that do contain those emotions for you. These parts often have names such as “the sad little girl”, or “the angry one”, or “the scared one”. Getting to know these parts will mean starting to accept and experience these emotions.
8. Inside Parts who split off during particularly traumatic years of life.
These parts could also be memory-holders, but during years when there was more stress in the external life, there will likely be more parts. Years of more extreme abuse can lead to more parts being created of a similar age simply because more selves were needed to manage the overwhelming abuse.
9. DID System Parts who are loyal to the mother.
All children love their mother, even abusive, neglectful mothers. However, this emotion might need to be contained within certain parts, especially in the case of abusive mothers. Some parts are created to agree with the mother’s abuse (defining it as anything but abuse), and others are created to be obedient to the mother, even if they are terrified or in pain.
10. DID System Parts who are loyal to the father.
Just as with the mother, the father may have a variety of parts that are loyal to him, his beliefs, his ways, etc. They may learn that it is safer to align with the perpetrator and to separate themselves from the child-survivor.
11. Inside System Parts who maintain obedience to the perpetrators.
These parts are often rewarded by the abuser-perpetrators and are encouraged to view themselves as separate from the rest of the system. It will take a lot of work to bring their loyalty back to the person they were created from.
12. Inside Parts who are Introjects.
Introjects feel as if they are external people, and typically are created from mirroring external people. System introjects are internalized parts of the system that act – think- feel – believe themselves to be the exact image of the external person that they are replicating, except they often believe they are the actual person (and not the replication). They may adamantly believe that they are a different person from the survivor-self, complete with a different body from the survivor. These parts contain a lot of memories, factual information, emotional realities for how it was like to be near the outside person.
13. Dissociative Parts who contain the programming / mind controlled messages.
These parts are often created by design and on purpose by organized abusers. These parts are given specific learnings that function as “rules” to control the survivor’s overall behavior. They are often separate from the host parts, and quite hidden within the depths of the system. The other system parts will experience their influence, but have trouble recognizing them as specific alters.
14. Inside Parts who hate the mother or father.
Hating the parents may be a difficult dilemma to address, especially since there will be parts of the person that naturally love their parents. However, years of repeated abuse and neglect can create the need for parts to contain the hatred felt towards parents who would allow such atrocities to happen to their child. Refusing to claim the parents or adamantly denying that the mother or father is their mother or father is another option.
15. DID Parts who are created to follow the lines of family dynamics.
Some survivors will internalize their family into their own DID system. You might find internal replicas of the sisters, brothers, parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. The family dynamics will be played out in a variety of ways but will most obviously be noted in the way the survivor splits off their system.
16. Dissociative Floater Parts.
DID survivors typically have parts who have floated up and away, and other parts that separated themselves from the body in one form or another during intense trauma. These parts may have risen above the body, and while maintaining a view from the out-of-body experience position, they may have specific information to share with the survivor about the kinds of things that happened.
17. Internal Self Helpers / Inner Self Helpers (ISH)
These parts would have been created by the system themselves and not necessarily during a state of trauma. They are typically leaders of the system that are considered to be holders of wisdom, or gentle peace, or spiritual guidance. They are devoted to the survivor system as a whole and work towards maintaining safety, stabilization, balance, etc. They typically do very little with the outside world, and focus most all of their energies towards helping the system to survive.
18. Parts who are the assigned parent / parental figures to the outside children.
It is not uncommon for a survivor to split off “parental parts” just to be focused on raising the outside children as well as possible. These parts very often work hard at being different from their own outside parents, and strive to be the best parent they can be.
19. Dissociative Parts who were used to abuse or hurt others.
This is a very difficult area for survivors to reach, but it is more common than not. Especially for those people who have been abused by organized perpetrators (ie: cults, sex slavery groups, etc) there will be parts who were forced to have the perpetrator role and required to do things that harmed other people.
20. DID System Parts who contain a specific talent or skill.
Certain parts can be created to develop positive talents and abilities, often as a way to help manage or express or avoid the pain that is felt so deeply by the others in the system. Maybe one part is better at playing a musical instrument than anyone else. Maybe someone else learned how to write poetry. Or maybe someone was created to be an athlete and to run, jump, excel at sports, etc.
As you can see, there can be a large system just by having parts to fulfill the different roles that are often needed to get through the abuse. Some parts may have a variety of these jobs, overlapping from a variety of categories.
But don’t be surprised if you have a variety of parts in each of the categories listed above.
Many survivors do.
Do you live a life with many different parts?
Are you confused? Learning? Alone?
Do you need more people to talk to about being DID?
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Related articles
I would like to offer my story of JOY despite a life of torture and abuse (and 30+ personalities!), to help others. There is a FREE “PG version” using the “PDF version” button on this page: FranLaff.com/10-05
Be encouraged! :O>
Well….I was moved at work to a building where things are supposed to be “better” for me…I would be working alone (i.e – no more continuous triggerings from co-workers)….AND it is in a building that houses a program of working with “troubled” kids (meaning – I “should” fit in better and people there would be more aware of my “symptoms”)……
Soooo – what is “wrong” with me?….. I have been SO disconnected now for several weeks with a seriously intense wall blocking off my Inside….YET – I am still super on guard to faces, voices – all kinds of undercurrents…..How can I still be in such a “no-man’s land” when it seems to be the last hope I have of “fitting in” somewhere? Go figure!…..(I know that “walls” HAD to go up to keep functioning in my Outside job…but it is all a confusing mess…..)
I do not get to be around the kids and only see the teachers as they are leaving – so I am very much on the “outskirts” of it all since I am just a cleaner….but I DO get to see the “artwork” of the kids….most of them are UNBELIEVABLY talented in music and art even as young as they are AND they are their “own” person…..definitely “non-conformists”……
Their “artwork” absolutely intrigues me….they may think they are the next “budding Picasso”….but I sense DID and parts in so much of it…..(Don’t worry! – I am NOT “diagnosing” them – I just see the possibility of “more” to their story than just a surface “Picasso”)…….If I could – my “parts” would just stand there and soak in their artwork for hours….but alas! I am always in such a massive time crunch with work that it is only a “pipe-dream” to be able to do so…..Of course – i can’t say anything about what I “see”….but my parts are fascinated with them…….After all – maybe my “perspective” is all wrong and they may JUST be a “budding Picasso” and that is all there is to it…..
But…IF that is all there is to it….WHY are we so fascinated with their work….WHY do we want to cry somewhere Inside?……..WHY do we feel like we “know” these kids – even though we have never met them?…..
MORE of those multitude of questions that have no answers……IF these kids have “parts” – do the teachers KNOW that?…..Our heart breaks for these kids…do they even know themselves?……..
MissyMing
09/05/20
I am still trying to “understand” one who carries SI. It has been an extremely slow journey into this one and I still feel like I have a long way to go with it. She will suddenly collapse to the “Inside Floor” and it can be quite unnerving when I am trying to function in an Outside task. There is a Despair one who stands along side her….the emotion can be very intense as it hits “out of the blue”.
I keep trying to see “why” she is there – but things continue to remain blocked off…I guess it is all part of a very long journey into understanding…..
MissyMing
10/12/19
What about “dead” alters? I searched the site with nothing.
This usually refers to alters who hide away from the rest of the system. They usually feel like one of the memories are where they died. We have Nikki who is a dead, she presents as a ghost alter. She died during a very traumatic abuse episode in the host’s life. A child who has a near-death experience may develop a “dead alter” to contain the experience. Also wanna ask something can we kill alters?
I have one that draws, one that sings, and one that writes poetry!
Hello,
I am the spouse of wonderful man. After 3 yrs of marriage & several unexplained “episodes”, he finally told me he has DID. It explained A LOT. He was abused by a total of 9 different ppl (male&female) from the age of 4 to 13 yrs old believe.Older sister,aunt, raped by stranger (man) at 9 yrs old, just to name a few horrific events. I am struggling, & desperately need help/advice because i am NOT handling things well. I also survived yrs of abuse though not as bad as my husband & only 1 perpetrator.
I know and have spoken to all but 1 who doesn’t have a voice. There’s 6 total. We have gotten to a point where we get along and they really help me understand my husband & some of his actions. Ex: He “hoards” body washes, soaps, toothbrushes, toothpaste, deodorant, & shaving creams.
He has done things that make it difficult to trust him. I think the alter with no voice is the one doing things a married man shouldn’t do (not sex that I’m aware of). But I am so scared an alter is doing/will do something & not know it, like get in touch with an ex girlfriend or something like that. It is destroying such a good relationship that we have outside of that. Plz forgive my ignorance & fear. I need HELP!!!!!! I don’t want to hurt him or his insiders anymore. They trust me n tell me they love me & need me, but that my husband gets afraid that i will think he’s crazy or faking it all. I dont think any of that! When helets us talk we all have great conversations. They always want to talk to me much more than he lets them. Even though i mess up, they understand & accept me bc i explain my fears to them.
This is my husband’s 1st time ever sharing his insiders with ANYONE! I am his 2nd marriage. The 1st marriage ended as a result of his trauma resurfacing & some insiders acting out. He has PTSD (me too). He has had yrs of therapy, but none in the past three yrs (since marriage).
Please share advice, suggestions, insight. Anything to help me give him a safe place. He deserves it. My biggest issue/fear is him cheating on me & not knowing it, or flirting with other women & he not know it. This come from him winking at women twice in front of me & he didn’t know it happened (denied it). Thats when i found out abt the 6th insider that has little to no voice (“nothing intelligent to say”). Developed later in life (15yrs old) to “get” with older women.
Please help me help him, not hurt him. This is VERY VERY difficult for me, but i love my husband & all but 1 of the insiders (bc i don’t know/talk to him).
Thank you for any help you can give. We don’t have insurance so no access to a therapist.
Also, they just told me he misses his Mom now (death anniversary). Also he wants to destroy (integrate) everyone so that i dont worry anymore abt the 1 insider. I think he is struggling with suicide too. He has been EXTREMELY tired lately. Says there is a lot of “chatter”, “fighting” abt how to handle things. I fear its bc of me even though he says not.
Hello,
I am the spouse of wonderful man. After 3 yrs of marriage & several unexplained “episodes”, he finally told me he has DID. It explained A LOT. He was abused by a total of 9 different ppl (male&female) from the age of 4 to 13 yrs old believe.Older sister,aunt, raped by stranger (man) at 9 yrs old, just to name a few horrific events. I am struggling, & desperately need help/advice because i am NOT handling things well. I also survived yrs of abuse though not as bad as my husband & only 1 perpetrator.
I know and have spoken to all but 1 who doesn’t have a voice. There’s 6 total. We have gotten to a point where we get along and they really help me understand my husband & some of his actions. Ex: He “hoards” body washes, soaps, toothbrushes, toothpaste, deodorant, & shaving creams.
He has done things that make it difficult to trust him. I think the alter with no voice is the one doing things a married man shouldn’t do (not sex that I’m aware of). But I am so scared an alter is doing/will do something & not know it, like get in touch with an ex girlfriend or something like that. It is destroying such a good relationship that we have outside of that. Plz forgive my ignorance & fear. I need HELP!!!!!! I don’t want to hurt him or his insiders anymore. They trust me n tell me they love me & need me, but that my husband gets afraid that i will think he’s crazy or faking it all. I dont think any of that! When helets us talk we all have great conversations. They always want to talk to me much more than he lets them. Even though i mess up, they understand & accept me bc i explain my fears to them.
This is my husband’s 1st time ever sharing his insiders with ANYONE! I am his 2nd marriage. The 1st marriage ended as a result of his trauma resurfacing & some insiders acting out. He has PTSD (me too). He has had yrs of therapy, but none in the past three yrs (since marriage).
Please share advice, suggestions, insight. Anything to help me give him a safe place. He deserves it. My biggest issue/fear is him cheating on me & not knowing it, or flirting with other women & he not know it. This come from him winking at women twice in front of me & he didn’t know it happened (denied it). Thats when i found out abt the 6th insider that has little to no voice (“nothing intelligent to say”). Developed later in life (15yrs old) to “get” with older women.
Please help me help him, not hurt him. This is VERY VERY difficult for me, but i love my husband & all but 1 of the insiders (bc i don’t know/talk to him).
Thank you for any help you can give. We don’t have insurance so no access to a therapist.
Hi there! I am currently dating someone with DID and at first I had many similar thoughts to you. From what I can tell, your husband trusts you so so much that he is pouring this out to you. I understand how this can be extremely scary and unpredictable, and in order for this to become less unexplored territory I implore you to research your butt off lol that’s what u did and it helped so so much with my understanding of the situation. Your husband loves you and so do most of his alters. My suggestion would be, even if that alter doesn’t speak, try communicating in a different way. Learn sign language together, learn how to communicate via paper and pencil or find a whole different “language” like drawing or something. Just something to get close with the alter that scares you the most.
I hope this helps, good luck!
I loved everything you shared about parts. Yes over the years I can now identify every part you described.
In the beginning you said you are surprised at how newly diagnosed DID find a few parts and think they’re done. I have seen this too. At first I felt cynical and I wanted to rip the Band-Aid off and told them how many more parts they were about to find. But I begin to realize through the years that these parts were not out yet because the host person wasn’t ready to know about all of them and it had to happen in a slow methodical digestible way. Ultimately they reveal themselves in their entirety but yes at first it’s often just chosen few. When I look back on my own experience I did the same thing. I don’t believe that I had more than five or six to start with. As time went on I uncovered way more than I had ever anticipated. The numbers hit over 100. It is been many years that I’ve worked on healing and integration. When you said you were surprised that parts could look at retrieving only four of five and not consider more I felt the need to respond to that. Remember that in my in many cases I was dealing with life as a one hundredth of a person. I was a fraction and it made it impossible to see the big picture in any situation. It was far more easier today to see big pictures and situations because I have so much integration and in addition, parts work together. Back in the “good old days” every situation I viewed it was just a sliver of the big picture. It was impossible to view the whole reality. And I believe that was the whole point of DID; But we couldn’t bear to experience the world and it’s entirety. All I’m trying to say which I’m sure you already know is that we do the very best we can with what we have at the time. It is taken me almost a lifetime to realize how each and every part risk their life to save the whole. Because I am here today they are all heroes who were successful in their mission. And just for the record, because I know many people are afraid of the idea of integration, my parts integrating came about spontaneously after they healed or work through their pain. There was no loss and no one died (like some people believe). My tiny fractions simply combined together and created a whole. They brought to the table all of their pain they’re triumph And they’re incredible strength. I am not done with my work for today but I realize that inside of me and army of soldiers and Warriors kept me alive.
Hi ME+WE,
Yes i have a pretty good idea of my system, but i haven’t always had this insight.
Back in 2009 when i crashed really hard i found out the DID never truely left.
I knew (unconciously) at age 9 i had DID eventhough i never had a name for it and it sounded weird to others(including my T’s) when we referred to ourselves as “boy”, “male”, “grown up”, “tiny child” or a certain age or other name.
In fact our dramatherapist actually had Kyle (the little 2,5 year old boy) sucking his thumb in an seventies acrylic hanging chair telling our T he was Kyle and was 2,5 years old.
Our T told us “Selah, you’re an 9 year old girl, stop doing silly”.
And our psychiatrist when we where 9 was told by a SRA alter she saw lots of graphic images that seemed to come straight from a horror movie.
Our psychiatrist then said “Selah, stop making up fearful thoughts and don’t tell about it cause it won’t help you”.
I wished i was just silly…then i could just stop dissociating and feeling stressed out all the time.
Back in 2009 we crashed really hard and it caused us to get in serious trouble.
Once i thought i knew my system it changed…and it has changed several times in order to prevent me from knowing what happened and how they worked cause i was told it was too hard for me to handle.
Then when i finally had some trust i could handle the past it turned out to be much quieter and when i seemed to know my alters i was watching tv when something was shown like a big field of people internally the loud voice came telling me it’s similar to my system. That eventhough i think i know my system i will never know the most inner alters. This grately upset me and made me feel so so scared.
They don’t HAVE to integrate, but Lena told our T she was on the verge of integrating. Then our T started crying which made us feel really uncomfortable cause we didn’t knew how to respond to it.
I became anxious and still can’t live without Lena and told her i needed her to cope life even if she didn’t have a goal anymore.
My alters don’t HAVE to integrate, but some have.
Communication and cooperation is a hard thing for us.
Co-consciousness we have for about 40% of the time(i think).
We did have this period in which 90% of thee day was dissociation(switching) and 80% amnesia.
Now we only have about 20% amnesia and similar dissociation.
There has been a lot of progress in our system.
Took hard work and still am working hard on dealing with the parts.
One of my parts is both an EP and a relative unaffected part of trauma.
She is both 6 and 9, mainly 9, but shifts between ages when it comes to the memories.
She can be so fearful and afraid she’s unable to talk or respond to others.
Then on the other hand she still is this unaffected child with the bright blue eyes(which i don’t have) and smiles and feels cute and girly andjoyful without any traumatic past.
It’s like she’s split in two pieces herself without the difference of personality.
It’s just a memory blockage in my opinion.
And she’s been used as the primary s*xu*l sl*v* and programmed to do certain things.
I’ve had a catlike alter that had some really vile behaviour towards people(or animals) who came too close.
And one alter that split up 10 times into fragments that all had their own names(no ages nor specific tasks)…she later became my guard/supervisor.
But how can an alter be three things in one when a child alter usually is supposed to be “a child alter”?
My T doesn’t seem to know the answer.
Hi Selah,
Hum … that is certainly an interesting question that really needs an expert (Kathy and/or Laura) response.
Now, I am wondering if this part is not really two parts (one broken off from the other and aged?). I have an insider that I thought for the longest time was one but it turns out that there were two (twins) acting as one. When I finally saw that they were separate a whole bunch of things made better sense to me. But, for some reason, they chose to present as if they were one for the longest time. It may be that the one part was so traumatized she needed another part of her own to be the unaffected one. So, in essence, they started as one and then split into two?
You know, this may sound like a really stupid idea but maybe you could just ask her how she is two very different insiders (i.e., ask them if they are one or two and how they managed to become two parts of one).
Then again, there are no hard and fast rules on how your insiders have to be. Maybe it is just the way that insider is. The why may be the important question to ask so that you can help that insider heal.
ME+WE
04/03/2018
Hi ME+WE,
In fact Lena is a twin alter.
Lena is 9(and 6 and around 15) and we have Tessa who is 11.
Tessa never comes out anymore eventhough Tessa was the first to come out for s*x**l *b*s* we tried to treat using EMDR.
It does make perfect sense! <3
Since Tessa didn't come out anymore Lena took over and started to come forward in different ages.
But Lena has bright blue eyes and loves pink and purple, while Tessa is green eyed and likes turqoise and emerald green best.
And then we have Selah who is this 17 year old "grown teen" who takes care of the littles and has brown eyes.(my T and several people have seen the eyes change from green to blue and brown).
We have several age shifting alters though.
One of our little guys is an 2,5 year old who explains he's 4 cause people then tell him he's a big boy and he does respond as if he's around 4.
Then we have little and big Lisa who are 6 and 9 which are separate parts, but seem to shift ages too.
And then i'm 3 ages in 1.
I'm both the 20 year old i usually am, am the "adult" version of 30 and am this older child of around 10-12 thata just doesn't know how to respond when things get too hard and switching isn't an option.
Lena is at the brigde of integrating, but i don't want her to integrate and tell her i need her so much.
The bright eyed, cute, happy faced little girl she is is the thing i need to keep standing.
I'm scared she's gonna leave and it will be too hard for me to handle life myself.
Lena is one of my most prominent alters so if she's gonna leave it's gonna be a huge void to fill which i can't tolerate cause it's gonna feel bad again.
Hi Selah,
Wow … you know a lot about your system. That is really great. I have found that as much as I know about my system, the more I keep learning. I have also learned never to assume that I know everything and everyone. So, just keep the lines of communication open and an open mind and heart to what your insiders are trying to tell you.
Does Lena have to integrate? Do any of your insiders have to integrate? That is certainly not the direction that I am looking to go in. I am just striving for communication, cooperation and co-consciousness. I do not want to loose any of my insiders even the ones I currently have a more tumultuous relationship with.
ME+WE
04/04/2018
I’M SCARED
Hi Abiyah Rina,
I hear you. It is okay to be scared. You have a lot of scary things to deal with. But know that you are not alone with your scared self. We are here. We hope that you can create a safe place maybe where you can go when you are scared. Everyone needs a safe place. This can be one of those safe places.
Keep telling yourself that you are not alone Abiyah Rina.
ME+WE
12/10/2017
I had something happen a little while ago. A bunch of the young parts wanted to be doing things outside at the same time: not just watch, but be doing stuff. One of the adults sort of took them along with him when he was out. Now they seem to always be together. It’s not like they are just one, but always together experiencing the same things. So, it’s not like integration, which my T said not to expect would happen, but something like that.
Anyway, it’s much better for everyone because the little guys feel safe having a bigger guy out with them.
Thanks for the new site. I really like the photos and the videos!
Ollie
12/2/17
That’s fabulous Ollie! Sounds like what my therapist says is being co-conscious. It is a huge step for your system! I’m glad your parts feel safe together and can experience the here and now in an active way – not just watching.
My parts and I are really struggling with finding the balance of actually doing and not just watching. They get very frustrated having to just watch. I have one very active male 9-11 year old male part that wants to be out as much as possible. He needs activity, needs to move, needs a challenge, has a mischievous sense of humor and I’m a 52 year old woman so it doesn’t always work well for me!
I am really trying to increase my activity and do things that are a little outside of my comfort zone so that my boy part(s) can experience the things they need.
I’m glad your little guys feel safe being out and experiencing the world!
~Neo
ME+WE,
What a wonderful post! Thank you so much! I love your illustration especially since I am a bit of a fiber artist, or at least I like to think I have that potential. 🙂 I have spent countless hours with “string” aka yarn, fiber, roving, spinning, weaving.
“We split off because we our little ones felt that we were worthy of life! The trick now is to find a way as big people to find the same courage to believe in ourselves that our little ones had — to untangle the layers of trauma and coping mechanisms and bring some order to our lives”
Does that ever makes sense. Untangling the layers and dealing with the coping mechanisms and simply uncovering all the stories is so overwhelming. I’m thankful I have a T who is skilled working with trauma and DID. Today she told me we could slow things down a bit, that we were moving very fast and she wanted to touch base with being safe and “being safe” is the priority. It was such a huge relief to simply trust that she knows what she’s doing. It was something so very new to rest in her “knowing” and refocus on being safe. Who knew that I could feel comfortable letting someone help me? But there it was.
ME+WE,
Thank you so, so much for sharing that part of your story. It really helps to hear what someone else has gone through in terms of coming to terms with DID. There is so much that I am really not sure I want to know about or understand…but I also know what I have been doing for decades is not working anymore. I wish there were a way to shut this off.
You are a brave soul and I am so appreciative of your willingness to share and for all of your encouragement. What an unfolding is before us. What an incredible reveal. I hope I do lose my way.
I just ordered a book called Anatomy of the Spirit which I believe is about the relationship between the physical body and emotional energy. My physical therapist had mentioned it so I suspect it is a good read.
I really do not understand one bit how I can be so utterly capable on the outside and so fractured on the inside. I suppose I am going to find out.
Wren and All,
We have to know that we are all courageous, brilliant, creative and worthy. Our little ones knew that very well because they found a way to survive the unsurvivable. We did not split off just because it was the only way to survive the traumas that we were experiencing. We split off because we our little ones felt that we were worthy of life! The trick now is to find a way as big people to find the same courage to believe in ourselves that our little ones had — to untangle the layers of trauma and coping mechanisms and bring some order to our lives. Remember that little ones created this space so it may not be as organized in a rational fashion as our big selves would have done it. But, then again, I am not sure that big people would be as wise as little people to create this space in the first place.
I think of my system as this big ball of all kinds of colours of string. The different colours represent different insiders, the traumas that they took care of, the emotions that they stored away for me, etc. When I first took a look at it, it seemed like this huge ball of mess. And it was! I did not know where to start or even if I wanted to start untangling it all — who knows what is down deep inside and I certainly had days where I thought that the task was simply impossible (well, to be honest, I still have some of those days). But, I have just worked away at it a little bit at a time. Slowly because it takes time to find where the string goes, to untangle it, to follow it deeply into the layers of other strings, to see what it is wrapped around and caught up with. Some times I just end up getting into another tangled mess or cannot free the strings from the other strings. I have to go back and forth working on different parts to get some of it untangled and I get frustrated and angry and I want to give up … but I keep going. Then, some times I do get a string free and I lay it out on the table and I think to myself – “There you are. I see you now. You are free.”
Well, my ball of multicoloured string is still dauntingly large but it is smaller. I look at all of the strings that I have set free and I feel a real sense of accomplishment that the task is not impossible … darn hard … but not impossible. I just have to be patient and kind with myself to make sure that my anger and frustration do not blind me from seeing that this string is wound around that one, this string is just ready to come loose, I need to deal with these strings first before the others will come out, etc. And, sometime I just have to step back from it all and let it be for the moment and come back to it with fresh vision at another time.
Just one string at a time!
wer dos trash kids go in this
is ther a spas for kids no 1 want?
is ther a forgot kids spas?
Hello Dear nbde,
Well, aren’t you brave to ask this question! Me, I do not feel that any little one is trash. There is nothing that any little one can and would ever do to make them trash. Nothing. There may be bad big people who made you feel that way but they were wrong and cruel and mean and … ya just bad, bad, bad to let you think that you are not the beautiful, special, loved little one that you are.
You know, I have little ones in my inside world and I adore them all. They are all valued, welcomed and wanted. Maybe you could ask your big people in your insider world or maybe the big person who is out most in the body (if you know them) to help you, to give you a hug or a cuddle or to rock you in a rocking chair or something else that would help you to feel loved and wanted. Maybe they could help you make a safe place too. My little ones have a safe place made out of yellow sheets – their sunshine tent. Inside the tent they have all kinds of pillows and special blankets just for them. They have stuffed animals and even a horse. You can put whatever you want in your safe place.
We want you here nbde. You are NOT trash or forgotten to us. Maybe you can ask one of the big insiders to go and see what Kathy has posted for the little ones. There are some fun stories and stuff and happy spaces for all kids here that Kathy has made for us.
You are valued, wanted and not forgotten by ME+WE and my little ones (especially Squirrel who wishes you could have some ice cream right now).
You are seen, valued, believed, heard and understood here Wren. I am so thankful for your presence and that of Kathy, Laura and all of our friends here who know … who really know. That means more to me than anything.
When my first alter came out in therapy 3 1/2 years ago both my T and I were shocked. I was aware that there was this little girl who lived inside of me but I never thought anything of it. And, all of the other symptoms, well I just had really good explanations for them all. Even though my little one started to come out more and more and started to tell my T things about my childhood, I went into a period of serious denial of both my alter and, especially, the abuse that she alluded to (but did not speak of at first). I thought that I was a horrible, evil person conjuring up false memories and an alter for the attention of my T. Then she spoke of some of the early traumas around repeated hospitalizations I was partially aware of but more details were coming out. How could that be? Still, I thought … heck, Meryl Streep has nothing on me … I truly am the greatest actress in the world to be pulling off this performance and having my T and husband believing it. I felt that I was a fake, phony, lier or, maybe if I wanted to be kind to myself, just certifiably insane. Certainly there were days that I thought that I was going crazy … actually, wanted to go crazy so I would be put away somewhere quiet and safe.
Then my T started to encourage my little one to tell me what happened to her. She would have dissociative flashbacks in therapy but would not talk. My T did not understand what was happening other than she knew it was abusive trauma that I was reliving from my actions. My little one kept saying that she was trying to tell me but I wouldn’t listen. I really got frustrated and at the end of my rope then. I was having to accept an alter and violent reenactments in therapy that I did not remember and now I am accused of not listening?! I was meditating every morning, trying to sit with her and understand her. She was not talking to me and I was the one not listening? I felt deep despair that I would be locked into this hell of silent anguish forever. I longed for the days when I was blissfully ignorant of my condition. Then one day while I was meditating I finally payed attention to my body (which I rarely do) and there it was — all of the pain and abuse my little girl was reenacting in therapy. She was trying to tell me all along. I did not hear because I was listening for words that my 4 year old little one did not have, could not possibly have given her age. But she did have the body memories to tell me. I was just not listening with my whole self.
I have eleven alters that I know of. I went through periods of denial, embarrassment, anger, frustration, etc. every time a new insider started to peek out of the darkness. I would push them away and not want to know. Frankly, one insider was more than I wanted. When others became known to me, well, I was not open and welcoming as I now wish I had been. And because they just did not present to me in full disclosure of everything about themselves at once, I got confused about who was who and what I thought was one, ended up being several, and I thought this one did this and they were actually responsible for that. Just a whole lot of trying to sort things out. Still trying to sort things out. There are some insiders that I do not know well at all because, quite honestly, they scare me. There are others I have gotten to know very well and adore.
All the while, I hold down a responsible job, have a healthy relationship with a man that I have lived with for 38 years, a home, friends, activities, a life seemingly separate from my inside world. But, while this outside world is largely oblivious to the chaos in my head, it is my reality 24/7.
So I have to accept that I am not a fake, phone or lier and Meryl Streep can rest easy because I am no competition. I have to accept that what my insiders tell me is my truth, my history, my trauma to understand, heal and set free. And while I doubt myself a hundred times a day, I keep thinking that little me survived in a brilliantly creative way and got me this far in life. Surely big me can find an equally brilliant creative way to stay alive and learn to live again.
Me+We,
One of the stumbling blocks for me going back to therapy and simply deciding to put all this out on the table is that in many areas of my life I really do have it together. Or someone does. How can I be so messed up inside when I am competent and caring and get the job done on the outside? I figured I was making stuff up. That the real problem was that I was a bad horrid fake telling lies to myself to get attention. A medical emergency where I almost died really stirred the pot and I became less functional. Where I always had that crutch of being especially capable I know found myself sobbing for hours sitting on the edge of my bed and I had no idea why. I just knew I was falling apart and needed help. I showed up at my GP’s office one day – a sobbing hot mess and simply said, “I’m not doing so well.” He is one of the kindest people I know and I am glad he was there to help.
I struggle to believe myself. I’m just beginning to learn that certain things are triggers…to notice what those are. It’s a beginning. I am tip-toeing my way with much fear and trepidation toward having a dialogue with insiders. Sometimes my inner world feels more real than the outside world. Sometimes none of it feels real. Sometimes I think I could write great novels.
But I am here. And I am trying. And for this night, that is enough. I am learning about self-compassion. HUGE STUFF!! I was resistant to that but with a little help from my T I can see the benefit and I’m starting to have maybe just a smidge of fun with it.
I am so thankful for you and other people who post, for Kathy and Laura. It is good to be seen. 🙂
ME+WE,
Thank you. From the bottom of my scrambled up heart…thank you. So refreshing to read practical tips for navigation and finding where you were and what you posted. Even more so, so refreshing to find words of acceptance. That is huge.
I think you are right. Some is triggering stuff so I might be reading or I might be reading dissociated?…either way I get a little lost. Well, more than a little.
I am pretty tech savy, so it’s kind of odd that I get so lost here. A lot of my work involves ….hmmmm how to say this…navigating multiple systems, teaching others to navigate them, developing new ones and doing UAT (User Assisted Testing) for new applications or platforms before they go live. I have a team of specialists and that’s basically what I do and what my team does. That, and they fix things. They make things work.
That looks very stunning to read in the context of this blog.
I like the idea of using a simple word doc or an excel doc to snatch urls and comments. That way I can find where I was. That was a very helpful suggestion.
I think it would be very helpful to put these tips and suggestions in a stand-alone article that could be stuck on the homepage somehow. A direct link to “You are here” or whatever you want to call it. It’s kind of like the map in a mall. X marks the spot. You are here. This is how you get from point A to point B. I almost gave up and left this site. Probably I am not the only person who has felt that way. Something that would be in a how-to section that would be easy to find would help other people new to this site.
ME+WE, your thoughtfulness and kindness has been balm for my heart. And what a wealth of suggestions and tips and encouragement. You are a gem! Thank you.
Hi Wren and all. Thank you for your kind comments and suggestions. This is becoming a mutual admiration society … hahaha. 🙂 And, in a way, it is because I so admire everyone who has been courageous enough to share of themselves here.
I really appreciated your comments on what you do (career-wise that is) Wren and what a stunning contrast that is with where we find ourselves here. When I am here (on this website) I am deeply into my DID stuff. I forget all that I have accomplished in my life, all the good things that I have in my life and how much I can be (and am) a very together and competent person. You have such a remarkable career Wren and even you feel lost. WOW!!! It so helps to be reminded that we all have so many dimensions to ourselves and our existence. It is not all out-of-control chaos, confusion and pain all of the time. Well, I am sure that it may be for some folks (and I am very respectful and empathic of that fact) or, at least, it feels that way sometimes.
As a part of our healing, we need to keep reminding ourselves of the positives so we do not get mired in the muck of all of the negatives associated with DID. That may be just a tiny grain of positive in a whole big sandpile of negative, but we have to hold tight to that precious gift of hope that we can eventually sort through the pile and find more of the good of life. I have been trying to focus on some of those positives, to hear my insiders who do feel some pleasure and competence in life (like whoever takes control for you at work Wren) and to hear those insider’s happy voices as loudly as those who feel the painful stuff. Really hard some times, especially when you are first starting out to explore your system, but important I feel.
And yes, I do think that working through this website is a BIG challenge because of where it takes us on our DID journey. I remember asking my T why I switched out so much with her. Well, the answer was so simple really — because every time I am with her I am dealing with all of my trauma/DID stuff … all the things that are triggering to me. Well, I find, for me, reading through this website has the same effect more often then not. Every corner I turn here I face a DID challenge. And, I have found that sometimes I am not aware of it as in, something written here triggers one of my insiders and I am unaware of it myself (as the host). If I am lucky, it will lead to new understanding when my insiders decide to tell me what was triggered. This often happens down the way at some point or another. Hum … maybe that is another idea to add to our notes when we feel we may have been triggered and what we were reading. We may not find out the why for some time but it is always good to get to know your triggers if you can.
Ah … my husband calls me his gem with many facets. Thank you for that Wren!
ME+WE, Thank you for taking the time for such a thoughtful and warm post and for taking the time to explain how things work here.
I will try a little bit longer. Maybe after a while it won’t feel so… disorganized. It’s like going down the rabbit hole….there is no way to come back to things if I comment or just want to re-read something because I can’t find my way…just end up lost.
But I will try. You have been very kind.
Hi Wren. I am sssssoooooo happy to hear your voice here. I have been watching and hoping for a response because that would mean that you are still here with us. I know how lonely and confusing it can be. WOW do I know. I am feeling that way myself right now … a bit overwhelmed, lost and depressed. And yes, I get a bit lost here on this website too and I teach about technology in my day job and, believe it or not, once had my own website development business. And I still get lost exploring the website! How crazy is that eh?
I think that, part of our problem is that, when we are reading the material here, it is usually quite an emotional journey and often very triggering. So, as I have said before, I know that I have read and reread and reread postings over and over again and then it is like I never saw them before. I am never sure who in my system has read the postings and when. And, now that I am commenting, I have to look to see if I have commented before or not. I have decided to give myself permission to repeat myself (because I inevitably will), to get lost, to not understand everything … well, just to take in what I can, when I can and how I can. WOW … giving myself permission to be confused, muddled old me. That is a real big step for me!
Maybe a couple of practical suggestions here Wren. First of all, in your Internet browser, there will no doubt be a tab at the very top of your computer window that says “history” or some such title. You may have to go to the help menu of your browser to find this function. Here you can see the webpages that you looked at in the previous days. This can help you see where you have been on the website.
If this is confusing, how about just keeping a little notebook beside your computer (or whatever device you are using to access the Internet). Jot down the titles of the blogs that you were looking at and maybe even a few notes on what was helpful to you in the blog. That way you have a quick reference to the material in the blog without having to go back to it online. If you have made a comment or asked a question, note that as well with the date that you asked the question. Your comments to the blog will always be at the bottom (or near the bottom if others have commented as well) of the webpage of the blog. So, always scroll to the very bottom of the page and work your way up.
Now, on each page of the website, there is a column on the right hand side. At the bottom of the column , the new postings (i.e., the last 5 comments posted to the website) are listed. So, you can keep a watch out there to see if there are possible replies to your comments (i.e., the commenters name and the title of the blog is listed there). That is how I saw that you had posted — “Wren on 20 Types of Dissociative Splits”. I clicked on that link and found your reply. The big bonus in scrolling down the page to find the list of new comments is that, you will pass Kathy’s beautiful picture along the way and you will know that you are not alone! That is the favourite part for me.
I have also decided to keep a word processor file on my desktop so that I can copy and paste my comments in so I know what I have said on the website. I have asked my insiders to please copy and paste their comments (and tell me who was talking) as well so I know what has come from my system (i.e., if others in my system post … and some have). I have not gotten this well organized yet (I need to add topics and dates — your suggestion of dates on the blogs was a really good one by-the-way) but I am finding this helpful. Maybe you could do something like that so you know what you have said and when. If you are anything like me, I loose time and context really easily. That can be so confusing and add to the struggle of living with DID — i.e., continually having to sort out what you have said and done and when … YIKES!!! I am devoted to lists now.
WOW … your analogy of the rabbit’s hole really hit a cord with me (that is how I describe switching). As far as the website is concerned, you can always click on the link to the home page at the top of every webpage. That will take you back to the surface again (the website home page). When you are starting to feel overwhelmed, lost, confused, on the website (and this may be a reaction to what you are reading as much as it is feeling lost in the structure of the website), always go back to the home page, scroll down to Kathy’s picture, tell yourself that you are seen and heard by Kathy and your friends here, that you are not alone, there is hope and ground yourself again. Well, that is what I do when I get swamped with emotions, confusion, feelings of desperation, etc. when I am exploring the material on the website. Actually, when I am feeling overwhelmed with life period, I turn on my computer and come here just to see the website and Kathy’s picture (I do not even try to read anything) just so I know that I am not alone. It is a way that I ground myself and feel some hope.
Okay … way too much to digest here. I am sorry. I just cannot help myself when I get going. I teach on the Internet so I am hot-wired into writing long replies with my two finger typing … well, at least that is my excuse and I am sticking to it!
Wow, ME+WE — !!!
What great ideas! THANKS!
Really well done — I just might have to turn these fantastic ideas into a post so everyone can see what you’re saying. REALLY good ideas.!!
Thanks for sharing,
Kathy
You are very welcome Kathy. I am happy to share what I have learned for myself in hopes that it may be useful for others — being mindful that everyone’s process and situation is unique. You are most welcome to use anything at all that I have shared Kathy. I am just so glad to help. And, I must confess, this has really been a great healing process for me as well.
Another idea I forgot to add regarding taking notes on the blog articles — this can be easily done on your computer. When I find a webpage that has a lot of important information that I want to keep and refer back to, I copy and paste the text from the webpage into a word processor document. Then, I read through the text and edit out the inevitable garbage that comes with it like broken images, etc. I trim the article down to the key points that are of most interest/importance to me by deleting the material I am not wanting to keep. That way I can go back as many times as I like/need and reread the material from the copy on my computer desktop. An important note here. I always put the author’s name (if available) and title (or name of the website if there is no title) at the top of the word processor document that I create as well as the URL (that is the webpage address — just click in the address bar of your web browser and copy and paste the Uniform Resource Locator — weird name for address eh?). If you have the URL, you can always go back to the webpage that you got the material from by copying and pasting the URL into your browser. This is really like making a photocopy of an article but you need to be mindful that the information does belong to someone else and you should only do this for your own use.
I don’t think I can be here. I feel more lost than ever because I cannot find things here. I can’t find where I was or see when things were posted so there is no anchor to this time/place. I wish it were not that way because I can see there is a lot of good information here but it’s just too hard to feel oriented. I feel worse and less hopeful than ever. Disoriented and disconnected. I tried to follow on Twitter but I cannot see any conversation going…just links to articles back here which brings me back to a place where I am lost.
I don’t belong here. I have DID but I can’t find my way in this place.
Thanks anyway. 🙂
Hi Wren. Please do not give up here. Life is overwhelming for you right now. I really, really hear that and I do understand … I really do. It must feel like your world is crashing down on you and you are drowning in a sea of emotions, memories, voices, pain, just a lot of really awful stuff. And, you need a life line to pull you to a safe place so you can get some rest and understanding. Trust me … you can do that here. I am here to help and I know that there are others that would like to help too. Certainly Kathy does.
Okay … you need some practical help and grounding right now. Forget trying to explore everything, understand everything, get a handle on everything. Just stop, take some deep breaths, try and calm the body down and your breathing down. Feel the chair under you, your feet on the ground. Look around and try and concentrate on what is in the room where you are (hopefully a safe place) and just try to orient back to yourself.
You do not have to explore this whole website right now or understand everything that there is to know about DID. Heck, I have been working on this for 3 1/2 years and I am still sorting new things out very day. And, I have not read everything on this website — or, at least, I cannot remember doing so., You don’t have to do that.
Just start small and simple. It is all about baby steps right now. Be gentle and kind to yourself. You are sorting through a huge amount of stuff right now. You do not have to add this website to your burden. What I would recommend is that you just check out the topics that are posted on the home page of the website and just read them — just Kathy’s part. Do not worry about all of the comments that folks make to the blogs at the moment. That is just too much information for you to take in and sort out right now. Just read what Kathy has said. Then, just sit with what you have learned there and ask questions if you have any. Someone in the community will try and respond. I will certainly look out for your posts. So, just look out for those responses (they will be after your comments on the blog so scroll to the bottom of the page and work your way up to your comments and the responses).
When you are feeling stronger and less confused, you can start to read some of Kathy’s other blog posts. Just go to the top of the webpage and click on the link to “Blog”. Ignore all of the other links right now. You can always check them out down the road. Right now, you just need some practical understanding about what is going on for you. In the blog section, all of the pieces that Kathy has written are linked to there. At the bottom of the page is a link to the next page. There is a lot there so it goes over many pages. Look at the titles of the blog articles and the little bit of the beginning of each article to see if it is something that is of interest to you or may help. Be selective about what you read right now. Just choose the blog postings that are on a topic that might help you. Then, just read Kathy’s part. Forget the comments of others. What you need right now is to hear Kathy’s words.
I hope that this message reaches you Wren. Whatever you decide to do, my best wishes go out to you.
You’re very welcome Wren. I have just started participating here and am happy to now be able to contribute and help. I was too scared to do this up until now so I applaud your courage in jumping right in. I found Kathy’s words of wisdom and the reflections of our DID friends here to be so very helpful to me the past three years. Just keep coming back here especially when you feel lost, crazy, uncertain, alone … You are not alone here. We believe you.
Hello hello, ME+WE —
I am so glad you’ve found the courage to speak up and to start responding to the posts and comments in all the ways that you have! Thank you for that! You’ve offered such kindness, and gentleness, and compassionate support — it’s really really good to have you here.
Just saying… I’ve noticed the beautiful quality of your responses, and I really appreciate that. 🙂
I most certainly hope you address your system and all your insiders with the same spirit of kindness — you’ll go a loooong ways in your healing if you are as accepting of your insiders as you are to the other readers here at DD.
Keep up the good work!
Warmly,
Kathy
Thank you for your kind words Kathy. They are very much appreciated!
To be honest, I am quite happy with myself that I am participating now after years of just watching and reading in silence. The past couple of months, I set myself the healing goal of “finding my voice”. I feel that the thieves of innocence find safety and empowerment in the shadow of our silence and I want to shine my little light into that darkness and expose the evil that lurks there. But, most importantly, I want to help give back to this DID community because it has been here that I have found a safe and healing refuge in your words of encouragement and understanding as well as all who have been courageous enough to post here.
Yes I try to be gentle and kind with myself and my insiders. I pushed them away and rejected them at first. I feared false memories, insanity, that I was living a life of illusions, lying … well, the list could go on as I tried to find every reason that I could to deny having alters as well as accepting what they were telling me about my life. It was a shock to start finding out details of my life that I (the host) had never known. Then a period of embarrassment set in where a new insider would make their presence known to me but I would not dare tell my T let alone my husband. The thought of having to say “guess what honey, there’s another one” sent me into panic attacks. I just wanted to crawl into a cave and never come out again. As much as my life was difficult not knowing, it seemed to be chaos learning to deal with insiders and the secrets of my life.
Then, one day I was so worn out pushing my insiders away, I gave up. And that was my liberation of sorts because, the more that I opened up to my insiders, the more that they opened up to me. And, I found out that it was not all bad stuff. So, as I think that I have said somewhere else (please forgive me if I repeat myself), I meditate each and every day. I have learned that, for me, this is my opportunity to welcome my insiders to come and speak with me. Some times I set out to speak to one of them if I have a question or issue that I want clarification on. They have the right to speak with me or not — their choice. Nothing is forced or mandatory. I tell my insiders that I love them all and that they are all welcome — yes, even my more problematic insiders. I tell them that they can tell me anything that they want to tell me but if it is big trauma stuff, maybe it is best to wait until we are with our T so she can help us if we get into a bad place. I also am honest with them that I may not always agree with them or understand what they are telling me but I will try my best to hear them. I tell them that some times I may fail them but it will not be out of lack of wanting to try and that I honour and respect them. At times, when I am aware that one of my alters has come out for one reason or other in a big way (I do not always know but there are occasions when I do), I will talk to them about that in meditation, thank them for helping me (because ultimately they all want to help even if some are more destructive in their actions) and, if need be, discuss how things could be handled differently in the future.
Does this always work? NO … but I feel that it is about trying to build cooperation, mutual respect and understanding. I cannot expect my insiders to treat me with respect and compassion if I do not treat them with respect and compassion. It is like any relationship in some ways. It takes a lot of time, genuine desire to hear and understand the other, and working through a lot of stuff … really important stuff. It takes time and a lot of hard work. All solid relationships do.
Well, that is just my approach. I have plenty of failures and setbacks — a LOT of failures and setbacks — but I try to adopt a positive outlook as much as I can. I do not want to sound like it is easy or sound disrespectful to my DID friends that have serious struggles with their insiders, are dealing with dangerous and uncooperative insiders or just starting out on their paths of understanding life with DID. It certainly is not smooth sailing. It can seem overwhelming and impossible sometimes. But, I am fortunate that, even my most disruptive insiders, seem to be cooperating to some extent … well, when they are not wanting to kill me .
I am also struggling because I feel like even with a host of people to choose from, I don’t feel like any of them are “real.” Who is the real me? I have different parts that choose to participate, but I can’t call them out at will yet. My introject can be a bit mean to everyone, she doesn’t really like anyone. I don’t know what I really like, ya know? Like what makes ME happy? I don’t know anymore. Has anyone else felt this way during treatment?
Hi DK,
I hear you. It is so disorienting trying to sort out who you are, who is in your system, what makes them tick and/or get ticked off, who are you supposed to be, will you ever feel peace and happiness … just a whole lot of confusion. Kind of makes you wonder why you started down this road in the first place. Maybe it would have been best to just leave things the way that they were and not know about your alters. But, then you think about how chaotic and distressing life was before knowing about your DID and you realize that, at least, you are on the path to understanding and sorting this all out now.
You are all of your alters DK. That is who you truly are. Now, some of my inside folks are not easy to accept or deal with. One very much dislikes me — likes to punish me (to make me stronger) and sometimes hatches plans to get rid of me all together. Trying to accept her as a part of me is not an easy thing to get my head around. I really struggle with that idea (and working on that in therapy right now actually). But, I know that, as disconnected from who I think that I am, she is a part of me.
Now, to be whole, I do not think that I have to integrate with my alters. But, I do need to learn how to communicate with them and achieve co-consciousness so we can all live together equally (as in, everyone has a place at the table and in our everyday life). That does not mean that I do not want some of their behaviours to change. But, I think that with healing our collective wounds, understanding one another and negotiating appropriate behaviour in or current life, I will be able to find peace and happiness.
To be honest, right now it feels like I am living a surreal game show where I spin the wheel in the morning to see who is out and about that day. And then others get a chance at the wheel throughout the day and I never know who is going to spin it or what we are going to land on – will it be happiness, peace, sadness, self-destruction, anger, etc. I keep hoping that the wheel will land on the ME in ME+WE but I am not sure if I would recognize it if I did.
So, right now I have come to accept that ME is a complex and evolving being, full of many challenging and exciting dimensions. You do not have to know exactly who you are DK to know that you are a unique and beautiful person. Hold fast to the knowledge that you do not have to be just one person – you are a wondrous kaleidoscope of possibilities of being.
Sending you positive, peaceful energy.
ME+WE
12/10/2017
ME+WE thank you for saying that. I have actually been on vacation this week and in a very safe and healing environment. I am so very thankful for your thoughtful comments.
12/11
Me+WE,
Thank you so much for the very thoughtful and well-written reply. I appreciate that you took such time out of your day to help.
There is so much to process. Sometimes I feel like I am making all this up. Or that I’m crazy. Or somehow lost inside my own life.
I recently started seeing a therapist who is helping. She believes me. And that is a lot. It gives me hope. This place also gives me hope.
Thank you.
Hi Wren. Wow is it ever crazy overwhelming when you first hear the words DID as what is happening to you. So many emotions, so much to try and figure out and understand … well, just a whole lot of too much. I am not an expert on any of this (that is why I come here to read what Kathy posts for us) but am willing to offer a bit of what I have sorted out for myself in hopes that it might help you find your path.
Fist I should say that everyone’s system, process and presentation is different. We have many commonalities as DID folks but do not be upset or confused if you do not feel that everything you learn about DID and alters fits you. For example, I do not have all of the various types of alters that are often described for DID and some of my alters play various roles (i.e., fit several descriptions).
Now, I am not too sure about the distinctions made between fragments and alters (or parts). I believe that alters are more fully developed personalities (i.e., have a fuller range of trauma memories or emotions, history, role to play in your system, etc.) while fragments are more oriented towards a single event or emotion in time or do not have a big role to play in your system or are not as big a presence in your system. They are all alters, it is just the level or amount of participation that they have in the system. Personally, I do not worry about making this distinction in my alters (I call them insiders, there are a lot of different labels that folks use to describe alters).
System work … well, everyone approaches this differently. The system is the collection of alters that you have living with you — that is your system. System work and system mapping is simply getting to know your system (i.e., who is in your system, what role they play, who knows who in the system, who holds trauma, who holds emotion, who is a helper, etc.). What you are doing in system work and system mapping is basically getting to know your system’s family tree, who is related (connected, know one another), where they live, what characteristics they share, when they were born, what they do, etc. It can also be as basic as what gender they are, are they human or some other entity, how old they are, what they like and dislike, what triggers them, etc.? In other words, you are getting to know who lives in your system.
This may sound really confusing at first but just be patient with yourself and open to your system telling you who they are. It is building communication with your alters and, hopefully in time, co-consciousness so you do not feel separate from them. When you start to communicate with your system you can start to understand why they are there to help address your/their issues, heal your/their wounds, and take ownership of your/their memories, feelings and life narrative. You can also start to build cooperation with your system. So, for example, you can set rules and boundaries for the system in cooperation with your alters.
This is just a reflection of my process. Others will no doubt have different perspectives on what this is all about. I did not learn about all of my alters at once. They introduced themselves to me one at a time over a two and a half year period. I cannot say with utmost confidence that I have met them all yet. I thinks so but … who knows. I found that, after my period of denial and rejection of my first couple of alters (lasted for a little over a year), I just surrendered to the system. The more that I pushed them away and denied them, the more trouble I had. When I opened my mind and heart up to them, I found that more insiders revealed themselves to me and tried to build cooperation with me. By no means is everything running smoothly … hahahaha … but better.
Oh, and I have no agenda for integration. I just want to know my insiders better, help them heal and help them to teach me about my history, feelings, way in the world. I do this through daily meditation (that is just my way of working on/with my system). I feel like it is like going into group therapy every day where everyone gets to show up or not and to discuss whatever they want.
Bottom line Wren, just be open, patient and kind with yourself and your alters. It takes time to get things sorted out. I am still learning new things every day but, each time that I do, I feel that I take a step forward in my healing. Baby steps maybe and sometimes I fall backwards but I know that the journey is worth it.