Many people enter the therapy process with minimal awareness of their trauma history.
When the trauma survivors are dissociative, they have the ability to block out an awareness of their trauma. They may know that their family had problems, or that their family was dysfunctional, etc, but they may believe they were never abused.
However, blocking out conscious awareness of trauma does not mean that the survivors have no effects of that trauma.
Using denial and dissociative skills does not mean that the abuse did not happen. Denial means that the person simply is refusing to acknowledge or accept the fact that they were traumatized. They are pretending or not realizing they were not hurt, when they were actually hurt very badly.
Even if the memories of abuse are hidden from the survivor’s awareness, blocked trauma / unresolved trauma creates very noticeable and obvious symptoms that can be easily seen in their every day lives.
People will enter therapy aware of some of the following symptoms, but they may not realize these complications are suggestive of unresolved trauma issues.
20 Signs of Unresolved Trauma
1. Addictive behaviors
Addictive behaviors excessively turning to drugs, alcohol, sex, shopping, gambling as a way to push difficult emotions and upsetting trauma content further away.
2. Inability to tolerate conflicts
An inability to tolerate conflicts with others – having a fear of conflict, running from conflict, avoiding conflict, maintaining skewed perceptions of conflict
3. Inability to tolerate intense feelings
An inability to tolerate intense feelings, preferring to avoid feeling by any number of ways
https://vsco.co/shaylinjanelle/
4. Innate belief that they are bad
An innate belief that they are bad, worthless, without value or importance
5. Black and white thinking
Black and white thinking, all or nothing thinking, even if this approach ends up harming themselves
6. Suicidal thoughts
Chronic and repeated suicidal thoughts and feelings
7. Disorganized attachment patterns
Disorganized attachment patterns – having a variety of short but intense relationships, refusing to have any relationships, dysfunctional relationships, frequent love/hate relationships
8. Dissociation
Dissociation, spacing out, losing time, missing time, feeling like you are two completely different people (or more than two)
9. Eating Disorders
Eating disorders – anorexia, bulimia, obesity, etc.
10. Excessive Sense of Self-Blame
Excessive sense of self-blame – taking on inappropriate responsibility as if everything is their fault, making excessive apologies
11. Inappropriate Attachments
Inappropriate attachments to mother figures or father figures, even with dysfunctional or unhealthy people
12. Intense Anxiety
Intense anxiety and repeated panic attacks
13. Intrusive Thoughts, Flashbacks, Body Memories, Nightmares
Intrusive thoughts, upsetting visual images, flashbacks, body memories / unexplained body pain, or distressing nightmares
14. Depression
Ongoing, chronic depression
15. Victim Role
Repeatedly acting from a victim role in current day relationships
16. Rescuer Role
Repeatedly taking on the rescuer role, even when inappropriate to do so
17. Self-Harm
Self-harm, self-mutilation, self-injury, self-destruction
(More educational videos about self injury and other related topics available below.)
18. Suicidal actions
Suicidal actions and behaviors, failed attempts to suicide
19. Perpetrator Role
Taking the perpetrator role / angry aggressor in relationships
20. Intense Fears
Unexplained but intense fears of people, places, things
These same symptoms can be applied for survivors already working in therapy. Attending regular therapy does not mean the clients have resolved their trauma issues or that they are even working in that general direction. Many therapy clients will continue to deny, dissociate, and refuse to look at their trauma even if they are aware of their daily struggles.
If you are experiencing a number of the symptoms listed above, ask yourself if you are truly ready to address your trauma issues, or if you find it more comfortable to continue living with these struggles.
Is it harder to face how you were abused and who abused you? Or is it harder to live a life full of depression, anxiety, thoughts of suicide, troubled relationships, extreme fears, physical pain, and addictions?
Running from your trauma history will not help you feel better. In the short-run, you might not have to face the issues, but the cost in the long-run of unresolved trauma weighs more heavily than you might suspect.
Your life can be better than it is.
Be brave – face your trauma issues!
I wish you the very best in your healing journey.
Warmly,
Kathy
Copyright © 2008-2018 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
For more information about Dissociative Identity Disorder, watch my video playlist below.
To send a private comment to Kathy — a comment not visible on the blog — please complete the Contact Form.
Related articles:
- When the Painful Past is the Painful Present
- Extinguishing Fear by Relaxing the Body
- What Do You Think about Suicide?
- Being Hated, Feeling Hated, Overcoming Self-Hatred
- Turning Self-Injury into Self-Soothing
- Addressing Depression in Dissociative Disorders
- 20 Types of Dissociative Splits
- Discussing Dissociation, Five Years Later
- My 100 Strengths, by a Group of Dissociative Trauma Survivors, Part Two
- Holidays for DID Trauma Survivors… Making it Nice for the Littles
Copyright © 2008-2018 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
i wish i could tell somwon
Howdy! This post couldn’t be written any better! Reading this
post reminds me of my oold room mate! He always kept talking about this.
I will forward this write-up to him. Pretty sure he will have a good read.
Many thanks for sharing!
Do people write questions on this site and get answers? It looks like a normal blog but it has a lot of comments. Can we ask questions and get some answers from a specialist here?
Hi Tabby,
Nice to meet you. I am one of the DID community folks here (read not an expert on DID by training – just an expert on DID by living with it). The website is packed full of articles by Kathy (and a couple by Laura) with tons of information. You will no doubt find a lot of answers to your questions in the articles themselves (check out the links under the top banner of the webpages – articles are grouped by general topic headings there).
Yes you can ask questions here on the website. But, Kathy and Laura do not provide answers as a general rule (well sometimes they jump in but this is not generally the case). However, I think that you will find that there is usually a community member (i.e., another DID person) who will jump in with help, reflections, their own experiences, etc. that can be super helpful. Sometimes just being heard by someone who understands can be a great help. Remember too, that we have community members here at all stages of the healing process so there is usually someone who can relate quite directly to your questions or point you in the direction of relevant information. I think that you will find the folks here very welcoming, helpful and understanding.
If you wish some specialist advice of a more direct/specific nature, click on the link called “Consultations” at the top of the webpage. You can book (for a reasonable fee) a telephone session (with Kathy) or an email session (with Laura). You cannot get any more “special” then these two experts Tabby. They REALLY KNOW and by that I mean that they have tons of experience with DID folks, an incredible knowledge base to bring to any problem that you may have and are super compassionate, warm and caring folks who you can trust.
I hope to get to know you better Tabby. Welcome to our community. I hope that you find it as wonderful and helpful as I do.
ME+WE
07/07/18
Have read this article a couple of times during the past 4 months of counseling, which began with my husband’s rejection of me. To my surprise a can of worms was unleashed that has me “remembering” some abuse I thought was laid to rest (without help). I recognize many of the symptoms in myself. I dissociate even though that is not what I would have called it. I have multiple tablets and journals that are used for separate things (marriage counselling, personal, creativity, etc.) and I do not mix the information. I panic if one of those journals or tablets are misplaced because they are each a part of me. A question I have is …how are eating disorders related to trauma? I see a lot of bulimia and abuse but not anorexia and abuse.
Hi Diana,
I can only speak from personal experience as someone who has dealt both with abuse and anorexia. For me, the eating disorder was both a form of self – punishment and a way of maintaining control. I would severely limit what I could eat and force myself to exercise. It was a form of self abuse that started gradually but kept increasing in intensity as a form of self punishment or self harm. It was also a way of screaming for help from those around me, but those cries went largely unheard.
As I have worked with my parts, I have noticed a protector/controller part, who encourages anorexia as a form of self punishment and way of maintaining control. As healing has progressed, I have better emotional coping skills now, so that part is not activated as often or as easily and when I hear from that part, I can make better choices and respond with self compassion.
Hope this was helpful!
~neo
Fantastic post however , I was wanting to know if yoou could
write a litte morfe on this subject? I’d be very thankful if you could elaborate a
little bit more. Bless you!
Yes, геally. I join told alll above. Ԝe can communicate on this theme.
I find the picture at the very top of this article frightening. I wish there were a different picture because it shows up on the front page and every time I come to DD I have to scroll past it really quickly and try not to look at it.
It reminds me of all the people who played oh poor me you have to fix things for me and take care of me and I don’t care what it costs you because oh I am so sad and so you have to bleed out your last drop of blood to make my life better. It doesn’t matter that you get all used up so long as however I use you makes me feel better.
I should have some compassion for the person in that picture but all I see is drama and manipulation. I see impending pain because whatever they are going to manipulate their way to doing or getting is going to hurt and it’s not going to be pretty. I should feel compassion and all I feel is fear.
Hi Wren,
WOW … the photo is really a big trigger for you. To be honest, I have never liked that photo either but do not know why. It just … just … puts a knot in the pit of my stomach. But Wren, you have a very serious reaction here. I am so sorry that it upsets you so much. It may be something that you take to your T as a start point for a discussion about the people in your life that this photo (triggers) reminds you of.
Maybe a good start on us all talking about how we handle triggers.
ME+WE
I have a great question. I have been in treatment forever. When do these issues resolve? When will I stop responding with internal terror every time I hear an angry voice? When will my insides stop shaking because someone is yelling, or because I perceive danger when there is none? It’s been three decades of therapy and crap, and I’m just as isolated inside my own head as I always was, feeling like I need to run away.
I’m sorry, I know this is a negative comment, but I’m really and truly sick of it.
First of all Shirley, I want to say to you that this is not a “negative comment” at all or one that you need to apologize for. This is your reality and I hear and understand that it really hurts and frustrates you. My sense in reading the postings on this website is that we can all talk about whatever issues we want to without having to apologize/explain/feel guilty for what we say or feel or are experiencing, etc. Some times I feel like climbing to the top of our house (even though I hate heights) and shouting to the world how angry, hurt and frustrated I am. Well, this is our rooftop here Shirley. You can shout out your truth all that you want as far as I am concerned. I am listening.
And … wow … you have asked the million dollar question Shirley! I sure would like to know the answer to that one too! I am 62 years old and would like to think that I will find peace some time in my lifetime. Hum … but that is not helpful for you here.
I do not know what the answer is and certainly we are all dealing with our unique situations so it is not a one size fits all. I can only offer what is helping me a bit with my insiders.
Certainly therapy is the foundation for any healing in my mind. I have found that, the more my insiders tell their stories to my T and I start to hear, the less triggered I have become. Not huge quantum leaps but little movements forward. And when I do get triggered, I accept it with open arms. That may sound strange but this is something that my meditation teacher is working with me on. The more you push away, the more energy you give to that which you are pushing. Sounds crazy I am sure but I find that when I accept what is coming to me from my insiders, I gain more cooperation, understanding and healing. Now, I have to be honest, I have not tried this with my more troublesome and destructive insiders so caution is advised. And certainly you need to do this is a safe environment.
I have also been encouraged by my T to use my inside helpers more effectively. So, for example, I have one alter who is a 12 boy and he is very willing to watch over the little girls and to help them when they get scared. This has always been his role but I have talked with him and he really has taken this on in a more focussed and cooperative way. I have a safe place where the little ones can go. It is filled with pillows, blankets and stuffed animals. My boy alter will take the little girls there and will guard the door. He has also given one of the little girls a magic whistle so if he is not around and she feels scared and needs his help, she just uses the whistle and he is there.
I have also been encouraged by many of Kathy’s postings to try and bring some joy and loving care to my insiders. So, I mediate and I hold my little ones, mother them, cuddle them, kiss them, keep them warm and safe and tell them how much I love them. Yes self nurturing but to me it feels like I am actually engaging separate little ones who happen to share my body. I am also trying to do fun things for them and with them like watching movies, crafts, shopping (one insider loves to shop … argh), fun foods, being silly, making faces in the mirror, whatever they want to do. I will tell you that some times this is really hard to do for me (the host) and some times my more fragile little ones do not want to participate but I feel that if I start to focus on some fun then maybe we all can learn to have some fun and not just feel pain all of the time. Again, I have only done this with my little ones.
Well, I hope that maybe something here will be of help Shirley. I would really love to hear what other folks do to try and cope with the darkness of their DID and to bring some healing to their insiders
I love my insiders like they were my outside family. We are very close, and I spend a lot of energy helping them to feel safe. I know, I am doing these things to me so I love, and spend a lot of time reassuring me. Some days it feels like I (We) am doing great and have no triggering incidents throw me for a loop, but then on others I am more jumpy. I know that angry voices, even on TV in make-believe land raise my anxiety level to the roof and I feel like running away. When my brother, whom I live with, is angry at his wife or child and raises his voice, my insides feel like they are going to explode with fear. This after over thirty years of therapy!!! I’ve learned to use coping skills such as grounding and using sound cancelling headphones to drown out noises, but what I want is to react differently. Perhaps the fact that I mentioned this aggravating problem is that I am finally ready to tackle it? Probably.
Anyway, I enjoy this site. You all keep up the great work! Shirley J. Davis http://www.morgan6062.blog
17 of 20 Well. Hmmm. I have to sit with that for a while.
Kathy, in one of your responses you mentioned connecting with the inner people. Non-direct methods. What are some ways? Is there an article on that?
This is all so difficult.
All I feel today is a profound sense of sorrow that goes right down to my bones.
Thank you for this blog…
Hey Wren,
Sounds like you are in the right place… :). You’ll fit in well here. I’m sorry it hurts so much… and yes, there is most definitely a very deep sorrow as you begin to realize how much trauma there has been for you and your system. There’s no wonder you needed to split, but yeah… really painful stuff.
Look around at the category of articles for Internal Communication (found under the DID System Work tab on the Home page) – dozens of articles in that category will give various tips on how to approach your system. You’ll find all kinds of ideas for writing exercises, artwork, scrapbooking, collage, internal dialogue, etc.
Glad you’re here, Wren…. keep up the good work.
Warmly,
Kathy
Its strange that I checked off a full 14 of these but I can’t identify anything particularly happening in my life that was traumatic, to my recollection.
I am in the same boat, kind of. I’m still here despite working through all current memories. I guest it’s just wait for reveal.
I ckd 17…..still don’t have “brain” memory….just Inside “flashes” that feel more real than “brain” memory……it must mean something for it to mess my life up so much….hardly know who I am anymore…or how to be….or what I am supposed to “feel”……just confusion, confusion, confusion…….
MissyMing
02/02/20
I like this web blopg very much so much fantaswtic information.
When I first came across the list on this blog, I read through it and in a rather dissociative way vaguely acknowleged how many fit me. Afterwards, I thought, “wait a minute these are not feature of my life I want to keep experiencing. So they provided good focuses for therapy. I do encourage people to not wait decades to deal with such issues, like I did. Am in my 60s and was only diagnosed as having experienced complex trauma a few years ago and having dissociative identities after that. Now my life makes so much more sense, as I have moved about 85 times in my adult life. Would do so every time there was a strong trigger, especially with interpersonal conflict. Now I feel freer as have had therapy to recognise my parts/alters, develop co-consciousness, dialogue and respect different parts and their contribution to the whole. However, I live in Australia and have encountered many therapists lacking knowledge of the effects of trauma and have been traumatised by therapists. Believe it is important to educate ourselves about trauma, DI and create safety and stability so that an inner strength can promote healing.
You made a number of fine points there. I did a search on the topic and found mainly people will have the same opinion with your blog.
Me thinks me has more work to do. Me also thinks Me did a lot of work already. Me wishes Me could pick & choose how Me heals. Me eats too much – because Me didn’t ever eat before in the past. Eat feels good & feels like love. Why would Me want to give up such comfort – except that Me has no more clothes to wear & Me is overweight alot now. More work. Ok. Me do it. Not sure how – just not to give up. Right Kaffy? Don’t give up even if Me is big now. Me works.
I dont know if it’s true, but I think I might have been abused … but i might be wrong. So a lot of people hear songs and can get emotional and cry. But yesterday, I heard one song about abuse and I couldnt stop crying, and in my heart, I felt like … I actually lived it, it’s hard to explain but i felt it in my heart, it hurt me deep. I tried searching for answers. I have a lot of the things you listed … i’ve always felt like something was wrong with me … Is it possible I was abused and I don’t remember ? Or am i just delusional ?
Hi Lauren,
Many trauma survivors block out the awareness of their abuse experiences, so this isn’t particularly unusual. It’s certainly worth exploring, especially since you already feel so intensely emotionally connected to the experience, and since you recognize many of the issues listed here in this article.
I would not say that you are delusional based on the little bit you’ve said in this paragraph. It sounds like you may benefit from exploring the possibility of trauma, as addressing the issues directly can lead to a lot of healing in your life. Keep reading here, and maybe look for a support group or trauma therapist who can help you explore some of the things you are experiencing. The connections to trauma might be more easily seen than you realize, especially if you talk with someone who knows what they are doing.
Thanks for your comment, and I wish you the best in your healing journey.
Warmly,
Kathy
This is the one if the first pieces we read after our last counsellor quit after yelling at us and it was both discouraging and helpful – discouraging cause saw we were really trying and we have DiD. All these years and not one really knew mpd just how to do damage. But it was good to see that deep inside the struggle we have is normal – we struggle with denial and the rest depending on the part involved. It is still hard as no one seems to get it, but articles like this makes us know somewhere someone does. Find that the social workers have tried to rush us because they can not deal with it but by telling us what we think or feelhas been cutting everything off and putting us in shut down
Hi Lynn,
Healing takes as long as it takes, and it’s not a straight forward path when you’re multiple. Because there are lots of insiders involved, and addressing an issue with one insider might stir up concerns, troubles, or memories with another. So you know.. it can be a very complicated path to healing !
Unfortunately, many people don’t understand the depths of extreme, long-term trauma… but yes, there are some people out here that do! I can promise you than many of the readers here have been through many of the same struggles, so you are in the right place this time. You are not alone now, not at all.
Please keep posting, as it’s always good to hear from you!
Sending kind thoughts your way.
Warmly,
Kathy
I was finding this piece quite informative until I ran across something here that just broke my heart to pieces. That photo of the Michael Jackson mural being written over is so wrong on so many levels. Just because he was accused doesn’t mean he was guilty. This in itself is another kind of abuse, which is the abuse of cultural and media bullying/scapegoating. I have been researching the allegations made against him for many years, and have arrived at the conclusion that he was himself a victim of a highly systemized extortion attempt which continues to this day. Really, with all of the celebrity pedophiles that have been convicted of their crimes, why not focus on them instead of simply targeting someone who was acquitted and for whom nothing was ever proven?
This blog is really interesting, but why it
is on 19th place in google’s search results.
It deserves to be in top 5. Many bloggers think that seo is dead in 2016,
but it is not true. There is sneaky method to reach google’s top 5 that not many people know.
Just search for: pandatsor’s tools
I know this is old but it’s helped me see I’m not crazy (I lose months of my life to dissociation). I thought my ex was right (he said I was mentally ill- funny thing, though, I had adhd before him and that was it)
I’ve been married for 6 years and thought that helped me get over the abuse I dealt with (basically- pretty sure I was date raped in college but never reported because I can’t remember and have no clue what happened and didn’t want to risk getting an innocent man in trouble since I literally have 0 memory of that night), I got into a 2 year relationship after dropping out of college (he hit, punched, strangled, pulled knives and swords on me, legally kidnapped me, stalked me and threatened me every time I tried to leave)
I escaped him and ended up violently raped a few months later. I started sexually acting out- going to bars, random hook ups etc until I met my husband. After we met, I quit drinking and started to straighten my life out.
Now I have 2 kids, work and am happily married but something triggered me recently that made me sit back and think. I finally figured the right phrase to type in and found out about dissociation and it all made sense. Since then, I’ve been trying to figure out if I should start talking to a therapist. I always get side tracked (was in grief therapy and it turned to discussing my OCD, tried trauma therapy and it turned into talking about the eating disorder I later found out was my ocd etc)
Seeing this list, I see a lot of myself. I don’t harm myself nor am I suicidal- I have way too much to live for but a lot of the others hit home)
Thanks for posting this.
Hi! Am I allowed to reblog this?
It is a wonderful and important post, so thank you for sharing.
Hi Nina,
Yes, of course, please do reblog — that’s fantastic. All I ask is to keep my name and copyright info available on the page on your site as well, but that’s wonderful news. Thank you! I hope your readers also find that article to be helpful and informative.
And invite them all to read here any time they want to as well. 🙂
Thanks so much — I appreciate hearing from you, and I wish you the best in your healing journey….
Warmly,
Kathy
You know…. some of our parts would have read this years ago and replied that they experienced none of these things – not ever…….
Obesity isn’t an eating disorder. It’s an energy partition disorder. A person only overeats sometimes relative to obesity and it’s when they’re actually gaining the weight. The common belief is that the overeating drives the weight gain. Actual scientific research shows that’s probably not true–the weight gain is rather driving the overeating.
(Read Good Calories, Bad Calories by Gary Taubes. Yes, it’s a lot of reading, but most people who spend this much time on the Internet could do with more reading that isn’t blogs.)
HOWEVER, for most of an obese person’s life they are at weight equilibrium. There will be periods of weight gain (obvs. or we wouldn’t be fat), and sometimes there are periods of weight loss, but mostly there is weight stability. And this is something most people either don’t seem to know or don’t want to discuss.
Reblogged this on The Life Of Von.
” Denial means that the person simply is refusing to acknowledge or accept the fact that they were traumatized. They are pretending they were not hurt, when they were actually hurt very badly.” -this really oversimplifies denial and makes it appear to be a choice. Perhaps you will write something specific about denial?
Hello eagoodlife,
Well, yes, I agree with what you are saying. That’s the difficulty with “short” posts — they can never ever reach the depths of the topics being discussed. For that matter, I don’t think any topic can ever be covered completely in any single blog post, let alone in a List post. But it’s a start… so that’s the important bit. 🙂
I did a quick search for “denial” here at this blog, and several other articles related to denial came up on the list. Possibly some of them go more into depth for what you are looking for.
https://discussingdissociation.com/?s=denial&submit=Search
Here’s an article more specifically about denial —
Denial — Does it hurt? Or does it Help?
Hope that helps.
Thanks for your thoughts and your comment!
Warmly,
Kathy
I am 46 and suffered 18 of these for many decades. Alice Miller’s books helped me become aware that I even was abused and that there were adult consequences. Went to talk therapy – 3 different ones – which to be honest was torture cause the stuff would come up but I’d leave feeling like I was barely hanging on to being sucked into a permanent black hole. Then I read Peter Levine’s book, Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma. I was unable to fly without feeling that I was going to die and we were going on a european vacation. With just 2 exercises in his book I was able to shake away some of the trapped trauma – we’re meant to cry and shake so that danger passes through us and doesn’t get stuck in our bodies as debilitating trauma, deer and other creatures do it, too – from a long forgotten traumatic bus ride in Iowa when I was a kid and a crazy bus driver decided to gun it and plow through a huge snow drift instead of turning around. The cabin of airplanes and the thrusting of the engines on takeoff were similar enough to keep triggering me. His book about Somatic Experiencing (SE), restoring your body to it’s natural state and releasing the trauma, has been an absolute miracle for getting my real innate self back. Your body stores unresolved traumas. I was raised with extreme abuse and neglect. I have worked with a terrific local SE therapist weekly for about 3 years and can barely imagine how I was before. Now instead of 100% of the time, I hear negative voices maybe 10-20% fluctuating sometimes there are none at all. That constant negative chorus is exhausting. The lack of self worth and PTSD that paralyzed me from my work, friends – I had none, being an open and truly loving and non-abusive parent, was terrible. Everything was such a struggle because I was so worthless and ugly and and fat and stupid and disgusting etc. But those voices are wrong! Turns out those were the f’d up lessons and messages of my abusive mother and father. I don’t know if just talk therapy alone works since we have physical bodies that store trauma. It didn’t work for me after more than 5 yrs. It is so, so hard. It sucks and is totally not fair to have been treated that way! And it is so, so worth it to be able to feel the warm light of goodness and well-being after such devastating and all encompassing darkness. xoxo
Reblogged this on Psychotherapy with Linda.
I read your article, and yes, I do have quite a few symptoms on your list. Unfortunately, I am unable to afford therapy of any kind due to financial reasons so I just kinda “muddle” through and try to work things out on my own as I really do not have anyone else but myself.
hi,I have a doubt… if person is having all these symptoms but never met any therapist so far…. what they have to do initially….
They should probably go through insurance to find a qualified therapist, and go from there. Best wishes!
I agree, Andrea —
In this situation, finding a qualified therapist would be really important. This often takes a bit of work…. but do keep looking because for anyone suffering from a lot of the issues listed on this page, there’s a lot of healing work that needs some attention.
I wanna add a couple other thoughts. Insurance isn’t the only route to check. IF you have the resources / options to look for a specialized trauma / DID therapist, do other creative searches too. I know quite a few talented DID therapists who do not take insurance, but are very qualified. Insurance can cause a lot of difficulties in the therapeutic relationship, so if you have the option to not go that route, that will give you the best privacy and more control of your healing journey.
Thanks for your comment, Andrea! Much appreciated.
Warmly,
Kathy
Hi. I have problems with unwanted thoughts pushing in. They often come along with very uncomfortable, skin crawling, cringe worthy feelings of a physical nature. I have to cope with these by wearing only certain clothes that fit a certain way. Sometimes I don’t get off the couch because I don’t want to feel my body moving. I have a deep unrelenting self hate. Does anyone out there feel like this? I feel very alone.
I have PTSD and I feel like this when I am triggered. It just happened last night. I think the crawling sensations are perhaps from disassociating. And the self-loathing–OH the self-loathing! So I definitely understand how you feel, Looking for a little sun.
I just had an episode last night after months without one. When the unwanted thoughts and feelings subsided, I realized I just need to ride those moments out as gently as possible.
I hope this helps and I wish you healing. Meditation helps me, and not being too hard on myself when I am triggered helps, too.
If I had self-hate, it might explain why I have so much SI….but I feel nothing about “me” – it is “blank”…..go figure?…….when we get triggered we feel all “Twilight-Zoney” and disconnected…..pretty much just “watching” ourselves do what we do……we used to feel really weird “waves” Inside our body a lot…some were gently flowing…some intense, swirling and stormy…. some throughout our body and some confined to certain areas….some were bad enough that we had to hang onto the side of the bed to keep from falling out….people said we just had “vertigo” – but we knew it wasn’t…..it wasn’t in our “head”…it was in our “gut” and our body….we still don’t know what all that was……but we don’t feel it so much anymore unless we have gotten really overwhelmed and are back at “square one”…..Is that progress?……Feeling “alone”? Yeah – we know that one big time………
We had a rough day as soon as we got to work….reached out to several….tears in our eyes…said we were in a “rough spot” (we were battling SI)…..everyone walked away….no one asked anything….even the counselor’s therapy dog wouldn’t look at us…..how scary is that?…..the agony of being alone…no one seeing….no one hearing……Finally had to adjust my work schedule (not good) and start texting my counselor…..it was rough……
The next day, a part confronted the on-site counselor, upset that she did not see or hear us…..we told her we were fighting SI….just because we work hard to NOT do it – it doesn’t make the battle any easier…..we needed someone to hear and to care……she thanked us for making her more aware…..but now we are scared we are in trouble for spilling too many beans…..but she needed to know….she needed to know she wasn’t doing her job when it was right in her face…..now we are afraid we are making EVERYTHING up because the dog wouldn’t look at us….he was a therapy dog – he was supposed to know……(we are such a mess…..ugh…..)
MissyMing
02/02/20
My apologies to that counselor….she probably had NO clue what I was going through….My T says when I am in “work mode” I hide stuff really well….I can be Inside collapsing while my body is still doing the job we are supposed to be doing…..It may keep me from getting into too much trouble with my job….but it sure doesn’t help with the feeling “invisible” part…….ugh…..
MissyMing
02/12/20
HMMM …..Eye-opening, Yes. I think IF not DID the one thing is clear about me. I tend to overreact when I other ppl are cool, calm and collected. In other words, I have never taken a Benzo. for anxiety. But I see a friend with social anxiety D/O do perfectly fine on her medication. Yet, I don’t want to do that. But oh yea I think about it. I do have the ability to see a Psychiatrist, having worked in the Mental Health field for years, and an abusive ex-husband walked out on us. I knew the horrid Dr.’s that would sling 5-6 pills and then there were Horrible (take the licence away) to the Cream of the Crop, say 1 or 2. In prior City I knew em’ all. New City no clue. Like I shared with a person heavily into this blog/thread, in all my 7 years working with adult Psych. issues was only one DID “lady” who was pushed into a fire when very young by her older brother. She changed into to a 3 yr old boy. Before my very eyes in a psych. hospital. That was bout a year after I read, “When Rabbit Howls” You awesome DID’s I so love you all. It was scary then I broke out later in tears, and spent an hour with my Supervisor about this. How was I too know my reaction to what I saw take place.
Disclaimer: If you are DID DO NOT READ THE BOOK I mentioned, PLEASE. Here’s what I think, I was semi-traumatized, cried alot due to the wickedness, evil, at the hands of her parents. But I was too eager to know the outcome between her and Therapist Psychologist and the resolution, God IS the answer,it appears he also created Dr.’s that can help. If you can find the right/good one.
Thank and Happy New Year
Reblogged this on Loren Grace and commented:
This is an excellent article.
Thanks so much, everyone, for your interest in this post, for all the re-blogs, and for the wonderful comments. I am so very pleased this article has been helpful for so many of you out there around the world.
I encourage you to keep reading other areas of the Discussing Dissociation blog — there is a great amount of information presented here, in articles and comments, by people who truly understand trauma and dissociation.
Thanks again for stopping by, and in wish you the best in your healing journey.
Warmly,
Kathy
i know a lot of these. ive known for a while that my childhood had left a huge scar on my heart. its scarred me emotionally, mentally, and psychologically. i was bullied really bad when i was young and i mean bad, i actually think i am suffering from PTSD but havent been diagnosed by a doctor but im more than 80% that i do suffer from PTSD. a lot of people tell me that thats in the past and i should forget about it, but i dont know why they cant understand how hard it is to forget about it. i dont go or see a therapist or psychologist only because it didnt help. it felt like all my psychologist wanted was to put me on medication for my anxiety and depression and the medicine made me feel worse. i try not to think about my past or my symptoms but its really hard to. the only thing is is that how come people think its easy to forget something so traumatic or dont understand exactly what happened or why they say that its in the past that it shouldnt bother you.
Reblogged this on Thoughts From J8.
this is an excellent list. I am proud to say I have healed most of these, but certainly experienced them before. it takes hard work, meditation, radical self love, a good therapist, creativity, connecting with the earth, etc but happiness and healing from all thses can take place.
A while back, 19 out of 20 of these were true for me. Only 16 1/2 of them today. But something surprising happened a few minutes after I started reading this page. A bunch of white dots began flying through the blue background –like little snowflakes. Then they stopped. Then they started again. One November when I was 5 and gazing out the window to leave my body, an unexpected snowstorm started. Ever since then I’ve been triggered anytime I see suddenly see snow falling. As I’m typing this, more white dots again began falling out of the blue. They weren’t there a minute ago. First there’s a solid blue, then snowflakes falling. Just like when I was 5. I feel like I’m back there staring out the window again. This site is triggering he hell out of me. Is the snow all in my head or do the rest of you see it too? What a trip!
I have all of those signs and have had from a young age. Ive been in therapy for years and I made it very chaotic, constantly changing my session objectives every week. Ive now come to a stage where I am abit calmer but can now understand myself more and can remember my dissasociative states realising I have alternate personalities that take over at random. I still find it hard to accept when the others wanr to tell me something and had a panic attack under hynosis so severe that I was screaming and my body shook violently for upto an hour afterwards. Id never felt such a fear like it and have spent the week having flashbacks but nothing I believe to be the true underlying trauma. Part of me wants to know but its so terrible my present self refuses to listen no matter how hard I try. I wonder if it will ever happen and I worry about how ill cope when I do. I know ill help others like me one day as theres so few that understand and people fear the condition. Im sat in a dark cloud but I hope one day the sun might shine. Thank you for the article
I am just in the early stages of a restarted therapy and the other personality disorders don’t make sense,but did does,i am making ground once again but I hate reliving the abuse and realise I have to follow this therapy through .I see 2 options life through some discomfort by therapy that leads to some peace and stability ,or be trapped in it and it will destroy me probably leading to death ,but memory gaps are the scary part, the question I put to me is how can I drive a car like I was in autopilot and loose 15 minutes yet arrive at a destination alive in one piece, or how did I function in a responsible job for so long as a very different person to who I am now but get through it some how because death of 4 family members and childhood trauma everwealm me now I have given up work. David.
i experience every single one of those listed, daily. Im in therapy but cant remember past bad snippets that i do remember ive tried so hard to open the missing blanks because i disassociate in therapy. i know that its consuming me and ill go round it for days at a time. i know something is terribly wrong but i just dont know what to do
I see this referring a lot to childhood abuse trauma Can these symptoms still apply when referring to relationship abuse trauma?
When I first read this article I got worried that in the last 6 years of thereapy I hadn’t really made the progress I thought I had made, since I still have so many of the listed symptoms. But then I read the comments and saw your reply to another who voiced a similar concern. And your response that having a lessening of the intensity in the symptoms shows progress was a great relief! I thought I had come a long way in the last 6 years and I was starting to doubt myself, which I do often, but that reassured me. Ty !
When I first read this article .I got scared that my last 6 years of therapy have done nothing for me as I still have most of these symptoms. Glad I read the comments and saw your reply to .another that having a lessening in their intensity does indicate progress! Ty!
I have this on my mind and have for many years. My father wasn’t a good father slapping me so hard across the face when I was 8 my head swung round. What is worse to me is that a 11 year old girl when I was 5 locked me in a caravan, made me strip then inspected my genitals. My brother, though when older didn’t again, was trying to be sexually active with me when I was about 7. My father got me a very quiet and shy 12 year old to lie next to him and give me a sexual kiss. I was terrified and pretended to be asleep. I tried when 16 to tell my mother starting with the 11 year old but she just dismissed me telling me it must have been much worse for the other girl
Hello Kate, and welcome to Discussing Dissociation,
I’m so sorry to hear all those terrible events happened to you and the other children. It all sounds traumatic to me, that’s for sure. I do hope you have found some support in your healing journey… It’s not ok that any of those things happened to you.
Please keep reading. There is help and understanding available for you too.
Warmly,
Kathy
Reblogged this on Akana desu blog! and commented:
As time passes I can say that I suffer from almost everything on the list. (Thankfully not drug or sex related issues) Pretty much all the physical and emotional aspects and nothing seems to help because it’s all due to unresolved issues in my daily life. Sometimes you can’t get answers. Sometimes you can’t fix things and have to accept that. That’s really my problem though…accepting that I can’t fix the damage that has been done to me and how dumb I was to trust people that should never be trusted. I can only live with the damage and regrets and hope it doesn’t come to the grave with me.
Hi akanadesu,
Welcome to Discussing Dissociation, and thanks for the re-blog.
I can hear how much you are struggling, and I certainly understand how overwhelming it can be to experience so many troubles. Healing is this weird balance of accepting things that can’t be changed, and improving things that can be. Some things that can’t be improved now can be improved later. Don’t give up!
I hope to give you some encouragement… Things really can get better, even if it’s little tiny bits at a time.
I wish you the best in your healing journey.
Warmly,
Kathy