Many people enter the therapy process with minimal awareness of their trauma history.
When the trauma survivors are dissociative, they have the ability to block out an awareness of their trauma. They may know that their family had problems, or that their family was dysfunctional, etc, but they may believe they were never abused.
However, blocking out conscious awareness of trauma does not mean that the survivors have no effects of that trauma.
Using denial and dissociative skills does not mean that the abuse did not happen. Denial means that the person simply is refusing to acknowledge or accept the fact that they were traumatized. They are pretending or not realizing they were not hurt, when they were actually hurt very badly.
Even if the memories of abuse are hidden from the survivor’s awareness, blocked trauma / unresolved trauma creates very noticeable and obvious symptoms that can be easily seen in their every day lives.
People will enter therapy aware of some of the following symptoms, but they may not realize these complications are suggestive of unresolved trauma issues.
20 Signs of Unresolved Trauma
1. Addictive behaviors – excessively turning to drugs, alcohol, sex, shopping, gambling as a way to push difficult emotions and upsetting trauma content further away.
2. An inability to tolerate conflicts with others – having a fear of conflict, running from conflict, avoiding conflict, maintaining skewed perceptions of conflict
3. An inability to tolerate intense feelings, preferring to avoid feeling by any number of ways
http://shaylinjanelle.tumblr.com
4. An innate belief that they are bad, worthless, without value or importance
5. Black and white thinking, all or nothing thinking, even if this approach ends up harming themselves
6. Chronic and repeated suicidal thoughts and feelings
7. Disorganized attachment patterns – having a variety of short but intense relationships, refusing to have any relationships, dysfunctional relationships, frequent love/hate relationships
8. Dissociation, spacing out, losing time, missing time, feeling like you are two completely different people (or more than two)
9. Eating disorders – anorexia, bulimia, obesity, etc.
10. Excessive sense of self-blame – taking on inappropriate responsibility as if everything is their fault, making excessive apologies
11. Inappropriate attachments to mother figures or father figures, even with dysfunctional or unhealthy people
12. Intense anxiety and repeated panic attacks
13. Intrusive thoughts, upsetting visual images, flashbacks, body memories / unexplained body pain, or distressing nightmares
14. Ongoing, chronic depression
15. Repeatedly acting from a victim role in current day relationships
16. Repeatedly taking on the rescuer role, even when inappropriate to do so
17. Self-harm, self-mutilation, self-injury, self-destruction
(More educational videos about self injury and other related topics available below.)
18. Suicidal actions and behaviors, failed attempts to suicide
19. Taking the perpetrator role / angry aggressor in relationships
20. Unexplained but intense fears of people, places, things
These same symptoms can be applied for survivors already working in therapy. Attending regular therapy does not mean the clients have resolved their trauma issues or that they are even working in that general direction. Many therapy clients will continue to deny, dissociate, and refuse to look at their trauma even if they are aware of their daily struggles.
If you are experiencing a number of the symptoms listed above, ask yourself if you are truly ready to address your trauma issues, or if you find it more comfortable to continue living with these struggles.
Is it harder to face how you were abused and who abused you? Or is it harder to live a life full of depression, anxiety, thoughts of suicide, troubled relationships, extreme fears, physical pain, and addictions?
Running from your trauma history will not help you feel better. In the short-run, you might not have to face the issues, but the cost in the long-run of unresolved trauma weighs more heavily than you might suspect.
Your life can be better than it is.
Be brave – face your trauma issues!
Warmly,
Kathy
Copyright © 2008-2018 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
For more information about Dissociative Identity Disorder, watch my video playlist below.
To send a private comment to Kathy — a comment not visible on the blog — please complete the Contact Form.
Related articles:
- When the Painful Past is the Painful Present
- Extinguishing Fear by Relaxing the Body
- What Do You Think about Suicide?
- Being Hated, Feeling Hated, Overcoming Self-Hatred
- Turning Self-Injury into Self-Soothing
- Addressing Depression in Dissociative Disorders
- 20 Types of Dissociative Splits
- Discussing Dissociation, Five Years Later
- My 100 Strengths, by a Group of Dissociative Trauma Survivors, Part Two
- Holidays for DID Trauma Survivors… Making it Nice for the Littles
Copyright © 2008-2018 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
Wow…what a list and eye opener.
I’m still working through denial aspects. I go back and forth, but am making headway!!
Thanks for these great articles.
Oh my. That list is discouraging considering I’ve been in therapy for 13 years (7 yrs with first, 6 yrs with current) and am still plagued by nearly all 20, though to a lesser degree than before therapy. It makes more than one wonder if we’ll ever be healed!
hi mymotleymind,
Thanks for posting here at Discussing Dissociation.
Unfortunately, the effects of trauma can be so much more extensive than people realize. Look at the overall level of intensity you are feeling. I think that “the list as a whole” can be issues for trauma survivors for a very long time. It’s not like one can be done with an item, and then be done with the next item, etc. The symptoms all mix together a lot.
The good news is — you are experiencing a lesser degree of the symptoms than you used to experience. THAT is the way to look at your progress. Yes, you might experience a lot of those things as you continue to work thru’ your healing, but you really will experience a lessening intensity of the problem areas are you having.
Good luck… and keep at it. You’re making progress… that’s the main thing….
Kathy
See a Homeopath they deal with body mind energy with remedies where you don’t have to go through retraumatising talk therapy. I have jill thurland. She is in Australia but will,, /can asdisyy wherever in the world you are. Please give it a try. I not all homeopaths are so astute with trauma. Thurland.jill@gmail.com
Please please give yourself a chance. No speaking therapy could help me no matter what how often I had support ftom the DV trauma therapists.
Sorry I should have said Thank you for writing so clearly the effects. I would be effective have thought I would be subject to the conditions that bring about such severe pain but I was. Yours is the kindest astute understand I’ve come a across
Im sorry, I usually just read your articles as Im not very good at articulating how things are for me, but this one makes me just think ‘oh dear’ and kinda adds to the despondency Ive been feeling for a while. Ive been in specialised therapy for over a year. I have almost all on your list. I know, as in really know, that I got badly hurt. Sometimes Im sure there is a lot Im not aware of, but I think maybe its just that I want what I do know to be enough. Like any more and it will be even worse.
LL
Hi LL,
Thanks for posting – you did a good job saying how overwhelming and discouraging it can feel…. I understand that… I’m sorry the load has been so very heavy for you…
It is true that the effects of severe sexual abuse permeate so much of the survivor’s life — abuse really really does a lot of harm… and living with dysfunctional, abusive parents / family members adds to years of relationship troubles, etc.
I think that seeing the bigger picture all at the same time can be very hard for survivors – at the same time, it’s all there, and while it might be more manageable to not have to face it so intensely all the time, having an honest look at it all every now and then can be helpful…
Keep working at your healing, and it will get better from here –
Kathy
I was raised in a sexually abusive environment and it manifested itself in my adult life against my will. I tried very hard to overcome an addictive desire to be desired which I was taught was the most important thing a woman could be. Despite a very happy marriage and a very successful life, I could not overcome the feeling that I had to be sexualized by a man who was, to me, my father’s surrogate. This was so devastating to me that after many years of suffering, I finally put all my trauma and misery into a large breast tumor, the site of my molestation and due to a large port wine stain, an area of fascination to my “surrogate”. It was high risk cancer and as part of my treatment, I had a type of bone marrow transplant known as “stem cell rescue”. I burned out my compromised immune system and my abuse with high dose chemotherapy and made every cell in my body alone in a sterile room. A rebirth and a deeply transformational healing. My story is told in bold detail in my new book, Silver Platter Girl. My blog is http://www.silverplattertalk.com. My website is http://www.silverplattergirl.com. I hope for the same kind of wonderful healing for all of you. I am starting a national PR campaign for the book in a week and will be on many radio stations and in many print and online publications. See my recent posting on the Huffington Post at http://www.huffingtonpost.com/trish-kinney/sexual-abuse-takes-toll-o_b_219801.html It is my goal to begin this discussion openly and to address the physical toll that abuse can take, particularly sexual abuse. Remember, the truth is your best ally. Know your own story and don’t be afraid to tell. It is the path to healing. Would love to hear from all of you. My book is my gift to each and every one of you.
trish kinney
could you add:
21. feeling like your living life in a bubble?
22. being perpetually confused?
23. having ALOT of internal conflict?
and add to # 4 disgusting
accurate
24. feeling that there is a black evil thing inside
This helps break my denial. I can see almost all, if not all, in the way I used to be before I “knew”. I still experience it alot, but to a much much lesser extent which is good. Denial really is one of my biggest issues, so things like this help. They are likely the only “proof” I will ever have.
Gobbies
I recognize many of the points, but I am struggeling with the concept of ‘having trauma’ even though I am being ‘told’ it is so. Basically my issue (I think) is neglect. It is ‘always’ about abuse and trauma, never neglect and trauma. Therefore it feels like it doesnt count, becuase there is no /bad/ ‘and then this happened and then this happened’ type of story to be told.
Thus, I would be interesting in reading your thoughts on neglect relating to trauma (and or effect), and/or links, or older posts I have failed to identify.
Btw: have been reading your site for a while, and find it informative and interesting 🙂
Hi Rainbow Socks,
I’m glad to hear you’ve been a frequent reader Discussing Dissociation! Thank you for your comment – it’s nice to meet you. 🙂
You are very correct about the effects of neglect. Around here in Texas, we consider neglect to be a type of abuse, but I understand your concern — it could very well have it’s own mention. It certainly causes enough harm to have it’s own mention, that’s true.
Neglect is a very serious offense, and it causes a lot of deep emotional harm. In some ways, neglect is even harder to address because of its intangible nature — it’s hard to put into specifics all the effects of severe neglect. But the effects are long-term, especially in the areas of appropriate self care and interpersonal relationships. So yes, it absolutely “counts” as an abuse – as a form of maltreatment — and its effects are severe.
I haven’t written a blog post specifically on neglect as an isolated topic. Good point — I’ll add that to the list!
Thanks for your comment, and I’m glad to hear that you have been reading here for awhile, and that you’ve found it to be informative and interesting. That’s excellent news. 🙂 Thanks!
Kathy
Hi Kathy,
#3 on the list, “unable to tolerate intense feelings ” I can’t figure out what that might mean. You say something about avoiding feelings.
Does it mean, pushing them away? Or not reacting to certain feelings in a proper way?
It should be obvious but for the life of me, I cant figure out the exact meaning.
Hi juliewtf,
Good question – and it means both of those things.
When people cannot sit with their intense feelings (ie: they cannot “tolerate” having those intense feelings”), they will either push them away in any variety of inappropriate responses, or they will express them in any variety of inappropriate responses. The point being, the emotion is just tooo intense for them to manage and the person will respond accordingly. This can lead to a number of forms of self injury / addictions / overly aggressive behaviors / self destructive behaviors / dissociation, etc.
Being able to tolerate intense emotion is the opposite of pushing that emotion away in whatever form that person uses. The more frequently someone can feel their feelings, and stay safely grounded and in a state of self-control while they do so, they healthier they are. Sitting with emotion is not as easy as it sounds tho’, so it takes a lot of hard work to do that!
Thanks for your comment. I appreciate the question. 😀
Kathy
Hey Kathy,
Excellent article first of all, its kind of an eye opener to me. I have most of the symptoms in the list. But the avoiding intense emotions is the one which is most prominent. I have avoided my feelings negative and positive through excessive masturbation and porn. I also smoke weed/ cigarettes on a regular basis. I go to extreme lengths to numb my feelings even if they are positive ones like feeling loved or motivated. This started in childhood when I started numbing my feelings due to a bad divorce my parents went through and my dad saying some nasty things to us. But we survived that. The true problem is that after the traumatic episode was over i started to numb my feelings even if they were positive. Now i feel numb without any emotions i also have anxiety and have uncontrollable thoughts almost the entire day and space out very often too. I feel I need to RESOLVE MY UNRESOLVED TRAUMA to live life to the fullest. But i don’t know how to do that. Can you please give me some advice(self help tips) to deal with my trauma.
Thank you in advance.
Hi, Kathy –
For me, seeing all that in a list helps me understand that the reason for many of these conditions being manifested in my life is because I suffered trauma — rather than because I am bad. That is good news!
– Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)
http://mmaaggnnaa.wordpress.com/
Hi Marie,
Yes… these are some of the EFFECTS of the trauma… and certainly not because of your having “badness”.
My guess is… you are still a really good person. Even if you have a few trauma issues to deal with, your value as a person has always been there.
You might “wear” the effects of trauma much like people wear a shirt. But the person is not the shirt, although visibly, the shirt is one of the first things you see when you meet the person. What you wear and who you are are very different….
Hold on to those thoughts –
Kathy
Kathy,
What a great post! I wish I had read it earlier.
I think what gets me stuck is I know I was abused, but I don’t have the memories. I say to myself that I’m ready to address the trauma history, but I can’t access the parts of me that hold the memories.
I wish I could do better. I want a life and I will never have one as long as my trauma history is unresolved.
Becca of Missing In Sight
Hi Becca,
Thank you — I’m glad you liked this blog post. That’s always great news to hear. 🙂
Have you tried some of the non-direct ways of reaching the insiders that have the trauma memories? ie: scrapbooking, collage, creative writing, art work, etc. ? Sometimes direct questions just do not work, so trying creative options can be really helpful.
Also — would you all consider letting the insiders tell their memories while speaking on their own, with their own voice, and letting the host step aside while the insiders speak for themselves? Altho’ I realize many therapists expect all the trauma material to be presented “thru’ the host” parts, in my experience, that just does not always work. So… if the host is willing to step aside, and let the insiders have some time to speak for themselves first, the insiders (the ones who were more present during the actual moments of trauma) may be able to say something.
Just some thoughts –
Kathy
That’s not always a great idea.
Hey None —
Welcome to Discussing Dissociation.
I would be happy to hear more of your thoughts about that. What makes this feel like not a great idea?
I hope you keep reading and posting. 🙂
Warmly,
Kathy
If you use non-direct, creative ways to access painful history, those ways become an open door. If you subsequently find yourself in a professional/ public setting that incorporates any one of those ways as a team-building activity, you might have a problem. Regardless, I am sorry that I posted. I likely should not have done so. Thank you!
Hi None,
Hum … I had never considered that before (re: opening the door for triggers using non-direct, creative ways to open a gateway to your past and insiders). I can see how that might really cause potential problems (particularly in the workplace) and how you might want to be cautious about doing that. For me, however, I found that no matter what I did or did not do to encourage my insiders to come out or, more importantly for me most of the time, keep them inside, they had an agenda to appear when they chose to. Oh, and I was so NOT in control of when and where that happened.
The only way that I found to have any kind of assurances that my insiders would not come out in times (especially professionally speaking here) that would not be the best for me (from ME the host’s perspective) was to build communication and cooperation with them. So, here is the BIG dilemma – you need to get to know your insiders in order to start communicating with them and building cooperation with them and …well … sometimes that takes creative, non-direct ways to accomplish. What to do? What to do?
There is a whole LOT of risk in getting to know your insiders (especially if your goal is to keep a lid on things) but, until you do, there is no way to learn, understand, heal, grow and build the kind of communication and cooperation with your insiders that is healthful for you all. Sometimes that really needs a creative approach to accomplish as Kathy has outlined here. Personally, I needed to hear with more than my ears as my insiders told their stories with body memories. Everyone’s path will be different.
I am not saying to try out the ideas that Kathy has offered here None. You have to do what feels right and safe for yourself. I am just saying that, until you get to know your insiders in whatever way works for you, you cannot start the healing process necessary to build cooperation with your insiders.
Oh … and Kathy and Laura have bunches of stuff here to help as I am sure you are probably aware. And, you have friends here who understand your struggles and really want to hear your voice. Please do not be sorry that you posted here (there are no right or wrongs here – just folks speaking from their hearts and their life experiences). I am so happy that you did post None. It helped me to take a new look at this blog (something that I always welcome) and consider a perspective that I had not seen before. Thank you for that. I hope that you continue to share your thoughts here.
ME+WE
01/23/2018
I am w/Rainbow socks. Its hard to have a DD w/seemingly not enuf of a reason to have one. Its hard enuf to accept as it is.
I MAY have had something happen very young, I can only surmise due to my odd triggers.
But I think also I may have suffered from fairly severe anxiety.(My IRL kids do. I don’t remember my childhood). I think unrecognized/untreated severe anxiety in a child would be VERY ongoingly traumatic.
I also as a child suffered w/severe asthma episodes that would go on for days at a time, where I could literally not even call for help. I was left alone on another floor of the house cuz my Ma had other kids to care for too. I feared dying alone, of not being able to get that next breath. This must have been very traumatic.
So I don’t know for sure, cuz my memory is severly limited. I think there is possible brain damage due to lack of oxygen w/the asthma.
So, ya, I find it REALLY frustrating that its always out there, that if you dissociate, there MUST be a reason, that being SEVERE trauma like OVERT abuse, neglect etc.
I don’t know that I had this. I suspect I will never know.
But ongoingly I feel badly, like maybe I am being untruthful somehow 🙁
But I dunno that I am?
I know I AM avoiding….something.
But maybe its just the feelings, there must have been alot of fear. I dunno?
So, I will never know the ‘facts’, which frustrates me, cuz I am supposed to ‘process’. But how? No facts.
I guess I just a liar.
I wish I WAS pretendiing the dissociation. I wish I could just stop it.
I CAN’T.
I want it to stop SO BAD.
Sometimes I hate life so much cuz it gets too crazy, but MOSTLY I just want to live. Cuz there IS good out there.
I wann a raise my kids to be OK.
I feel so bad that I not doing a good job 🙁
I trying SO hard, but its not good enuf.
I never fit in.
I don’t even fit in w/dissociation.
I the weird random freak that dissociates cuz i a weak person. I got no real reason to be so dissociative.
Ya Kathy, I wish you WOULD write something bout this, bout how somes just got no history. Cuz its hard too.
I am NOT lying.
Ones
I feel the same way. I’m not in therapy and don’t remember any trauma. But I have all on the list and I have alters. But if I’m not in therapy and I don’t know what my trauma was and my alters won’t tell me how am u supposed to work through it?
sorry that was long…
yeah.
I not fit in. My words wrong.
Ok. S’ok.
I go.
This is a great post.
I have been in therapy for two years, eighteen months with the current therapist. Even though I have retrieved a lot of lost memories, I still sometimes question whether what I remember is real. Is this common? Its so hard for me, at times, to justify my anger and the way I am so reactive, in general, because I don’t really believe it’s true at the deepest level.
Is this denial?
Does it go away?
As I read the list, I found it as further proof that there must have been things that happened, and so probably the things I remember are real. My therapist says it doesn’t really matter what the details were of my past, that the essense of what I remember is validated by my symptoms. Still, I wonder if I will ever really be able to believe it.
By the way, I could only find three things on the list I could possibly answer no to.
I’d look forward to seeing a post about neglect. Like Rainbow Socks, this is my issue and one in which I’m finding there isn’t much out there affirming that this is indeed abuse. In my case, it included loooong stretches of silent treatment that started at a very young age and which was used as a weapon against me throughout all the years I lived at home. Very damaging – to this day, I often feel invisible. And damaged. Your thoughts on this kind of thing would be appreciated.
I agree on the neglect thing. Out of all the things that has happened, was not being spoke to or acknowledged for a week or two at a time, was one of the worse.
You would think to not have any attention brought to you, would be better. What happens is that you begin to actually think that you dont exist. You actually become invisible.
ok 🙂
I see that an article on about neglect / the effects of neglect has been requested by a few of you. I’ll definitely put that on my To Do List.
Being neglected to the point of feeling invisible… that starts to equal not being valued or valuable…
It certainly affects the way people feel about themselves….
I’ll write more when I can.
Thank you, all of you, for making your comments. I appreciate hearing from you.
Kathy
Hey there,
I’ve never posted on here, but I’ve been reading through the blogs quite a bit after getting a DD diagnosis from the trauma recovery program I was just in. I’m seeing a DD- experienced T starting this week and onward as I am on medical leave from school.
1) I exhibit several of these symptoms, but because I don’t have any memories of my childhood (or even the rest of my life up to a certain point in the near past), it’s hard for me to justify that I even was abused or negleted or traumatized, and secondly that I have DID. I only know of my history from other people, and the facts that I have been given don’t really even resonate with me as my own memories, but apparently it was both severe and chronic.
But on this “being neglected to the point of being invisible or not valuble/valued: This statement really rings a lot of bells with me. I was just being upset about (or I can only assume I was dissociated and this was my “little girl” speaking) that it wasn’t fair that no one cared about me. Mom didn’t care because she would have protected me if she had and she wouldn’t have left me. “Dad” didn’t care because he wouldn’t have hurt me if he did. I think I said something along the lines of “No one that I needed to care about me cared about me.” My boyfriend replied that the people who craed about me are the ones who got me out of the situation, but I was so fixated on the fact that “They weren’t my parents!,” and then I was uncontrollably sobbing in a very guarded fetal position until I allowed myself to fall asleep.
I am having trouble with the notion that I am dissociative, because what if I’m not? I resonate with quite a few of other’s experiences on here, but at the same time, so much of it I don’t feel that it applies to me. Is it possible that a person may be only slightly dissociated? Not having comletely distinct parts with names and appearances and whatnot, but a kinesthetic sense of feeling “younger” or just “not myself”? It also showed itself when I had my session with the founder of the program I was in, and he sort of talked whoever was so heavily guarding me into stepping down for a minute and had a conversation with someone who was much younger than me, while I was co-present, standing behind the interaction.
I don’t know. Sorry, that was a lot. Thoughts?
Lanie
I really empathize with what you’re saying, Lanie. I think it took 6 months after my diagnosis to meet my parts, and I chose to do that in-patient (at Ross in Denton, Texas) because I was scared to discover me’s in front of my outside children. I doubted a lot.
If it helps you, you could research Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy—which essentially posits that everyone has parts (non-DID people’s parts are integrated; that’s the difference): children, protectors, managers.
The fact that you have blank spots might mean your parts are not integrated (DID). I’m no T, so I’m simply trying to help because I care about how you feel. You will be welcome here no matter where your journey takes you.
Treatment for me is glacially slow, so maybe you can just be where you are on your healing journey and let you unfold into you in your unique way. Regards. 3/6/18
Hi Lanie,
First of all … a warm welcome to you. I am so glad that you found this website and this community so early in your healing journey. Kathy and Laura have incredible knowledge to offer here from years (decades really) of experience in the trenches with DID. I found their insights, wisdom and suggestions invaluable in my healing process. I read here for about three years before I got up the courage to start participating in the blogs late last summer. I have gained wonderful strength, understanding and genuine compassion from my friends here. I hope that you will find the same.
Now, wow … it sounds like you have had quiet an initiation into the world of DID. I would trust the DID diagnosis especially from what you have described here. It is good to hear that you will be seeing a DID expert to help you start to unravel some of the lost time and memories. Having other folks being able to confirm the facts of your life is really a good thing. But, I still understand how it can feel very confusing for you to know and trust what is happening to you and why that might be.
Be assured that everything that you read here on this website may not apply to you. Not everything fits my situation. There is not a one-size-fits-all to DID. We have all had different life journeys so naturally we hear our stories being told here sometimes and sometimes not. What we do share is an understanding that we survived trauma as a child in a very creative way – by splitting off into different insiders (alters).
If you are reading things here that feels true for you even though you do not have a memory to confirm it, then trust what your gut and heart are telling you. When I was first diagnosed with DID, I did not believe it for about a year. I did not remember any trauma in my childhood except for some hospitalizations. As my insiders started making themselves apparent to me and my T, they started to tell their stories. At first, just to my T. Then they decided it was okay for me (the host) to hear. Oh, and they did not all appear at once. Actually, after four years from when my first insider appeared in therapy, I just met a new insider about few weeks ago.
Getting to know your system of insiders will take time, patience and compassionate understanding. Take it slow and start to build communication and connection with your insiders and safety and soothing for both you and them. And, keep asking your questions here. Oh, and you do not need to apologize for speaking your truth as much or as often that you need and want to. We are here to listen and help when we can.
With sincere best wishes as you begin your healing journey.
ME+WE
03/06/2018
Hi Lanie,
What you wrote sounds exactly like DID to me. Co-con can be very difficult and confusing.
I want to tell a bit of my story in hopes that you will begin to accept your doubts about your diagnosis as being part of the package.
The first time I was told I have DID was when it was called MPD, back somewhere in 1993-95. My ex was the first person to meet an insider back in 1988. I knew my childhood was littered with trauma and chaos, neglect and abandonment. I didn’t know that I was switching and losing time or what happened during the time I couldn’t account for. Or where I went while someone was out. I still don’t know where I go when I lose time. I black out. It’s rare these days but still frightening.
I had been committed 6 times to a state mental health hospital. Yep. Yes. OMG. Funny thing about that was I don’t remember being committed. I thought the judge let me go every time. I was truly out of control, I couldn’t keep myself safe…from myself. I was never stable and couldn’t tell if I was coming or going most the time. I thought I was psychotic.
I heard some voices talking to each other inside my head. Not to me. They would stop talking when they realized I was trying to hear what they said. I saw myself doing things that I did not want to do but had no control to stop. None. How is that possible? I must be psychotic for sure, I thought. I saw some of my insiders outside myself in daydreamy ways and sometimes had some scary (but looking back, kinda funny) moments about feeding them. I heard many times over from plenty of DID expert therapists that I was not psychotic and the DID diagnosis is true. But, I would not believe them. I thought I was different than all the other folks who have DID that I talked to. I just live in a daydream world, I just have imaginary friends, maybe I have DID lite I thought many times. Sometimes, I feel like different people and sometimes I feel I am myself at different ages, sometimes I don’t even know who’s inside my head but I’m not them. I insisted I don’t act like other people with DID do. The multiples I talked to said they don’t do the same things I do. I thought I should be medicating hallucinations instead of trying to become friends with them. I railed against the stories I heard myself say, or was told so-and-so inside said. No way did that kind of thing ever happen! And absolutely NO WAY did I do or say what I am being told I did. After a huge blowup in therapy I quit it all. Stopped the meds, the shrinks, the therapy. Everything. I pushed everything and everyone away.
That was a long time ago, so fast-forwarding a decade or two… there are times now that I think none of this is real. Sometimes, even now, I need someone outside my head to tell me I am real, our system is real, I am not psychotic, I am not faking or a fraud or delusional or insane. Sometimes, I need someone outside to calm the voice inside that screams ‘am I making all this up? Please, just make it stop!’ Yep. I bet most people with DID go through this sort of thing for years and years. On good days and sometimes even on my bad days I can refute those voices, the doubts, with evidence. Not just by outsiders telling me, but by looking back and telling myself and the voices about all the reasons we have to believe we are a we. And, that it’s okay we are us.
It is very hard not to get caught up in doubt. It’s possible for doctors to make mistakes in diagnosis. But, if you put together the doctors and your boyfriend, and others (friends, family, therapists, coworkers, etc) who have told you they talked to you when you were not you, and you can remember yourself curled up in a fetal position feeling much younger and not the adult you, and you cannot remember most of your childhood or beyond…DID can be an explanation.
One great thing that helped me was to tell a bit of what made me fear I was psychotic and ask if others had experienced similar situations here on DD. Many people wrote back with support and encouragement and stories of their own that calmed me so much. And Kathy even wrote to tell me she knew lots and lots of DIDers that have similar situations as mine. It all helps so very much. Being afraid of yourself is an awful way to feel. Getting support, and encouragement, and honesty here is a real gift to me.
I don’t know if you have been told this but most people with DID do not act like Tara, or Sybil, or Trudi, or any of the other sensationalized multiples in movies or on TV. Most of us are discrete. That is on purpose. We needed to be hidden to survive.
I know you are new to all this and I’m sorry if I said too much. I just wanted to tell you that doubt is part of it all. Denial of our experiences is a symptom. Hmm? I know, right? It will all get sorted out. Hold on. Try not to get too bogged down with the doubts. They will keep you from experiencing the healing.
Take Care Of You(s).
Okay. I just sent that and now I’m freaking that I said something wrong or didn’t hit the question or said too much.
Sheesh. That’s gonna bug me.
Kennedy —
That was a beautiful response. Thank you for sharing, and that took a lot of courage. You’ve described some of the pain and struggles very well, and yeah…. really well said.
Thank you!
Warmly,
Kathy
Your post was very honest and described so well what most of us have felt or experienced at one point or another along the journey.
Thank you for sharing!
Hi Lanie,
I understood so much of what you were describing. When I was diagnosed, took me a long time to admit to myself that I was DID. There was a lot of evidence in my life to support the diagnosis. I just didn’t want to believe it. And there are still times when I tell myself I am not DID – that this is all a mistake – mainly because things are hard and I don’t want to deal with what is coming up and I want to pretend I can go back to being unaware and not be responsible anymore.
The thing about dissociation is that it occurs on a continuum and in different ways than just having parts. When I went to therapy and was diagnosed, I was having some of the same feelings you are describing. I have virtually no memory of my childhood. And major blank periods in my adult life. With some parts I have co-consciousness. I am aware but not in the driver seat. With others, I was losing time and not aware of what was happening. There have been times when my body felt tiny and small and very childlike, and other times when it feels much larger and stronger than I normally feel.
I also relate to the sense of betrayal you felt from your parents. Recognizing the truth is sometimes so difficult. Especially for the youngest parts of our selves. There is a lot to grieve and it sounds like you are starting that process. The profound grief is hard and overwhelming at times, but it will get less intense and eventually there will be room in your self and life for other healthier things.
I wouldn’t worry about the diagnosis so much. I rejected mine for a long time. Focus on healing in the ways that work best for you. And if you have dissociated parts, they will come forward and begin communicating with you.
As therapy progresses, you’ll know.
Wow wow wow wow wow, Thank you so much to everyone who replied to my comment. I am overwhelmed with the companionship of shared experience here. I didnt know anyone had replied until Kennedy told me to find this on another post I made recently, so thank you, Kennedy.
T. Clark,
I was actually referring to the Ross intitute in Denton! I really enjoy the idea of someone else here going through essentially the same program I did, and that’s where Dr. Ross diagnosed me with “some type of dissociative disorder.” I am also quite glad I’m pretty young and starting this journey, I couldn’t imagine having kids outside to take care of and kids inside to take care of! I will definitely look more into IFS; I read about that in “The Body Keeps The Score” by Dr. Bessel Van der Kolk, and what hesaid about it there really resonated with me. Thank you for your input, it is greatly appreciated.
ME+WE,
I secretly love reading your comments, and I get excited everytime I see one on a post I’m reading. You always have such kindness and insight expertly woven in. I’m working on trusting the diagnosis, and on using it as a guide and not a label, but denial is such a funny thing, is it not? Thank you also for the point about not everything on here applying to everyone. I forget that sometimes (and I guess you could call it concrete thinking?). I will make an effort to take and focus what feels right for me, and just accept that everything else feels right for others. Thank you for your reply, I am beyond grateful.
Kennedy,
I do sound pretty DID, don’t I? I realize that and then something antagonistic in me says, “but what if you’re just not…?” But, thank you thank you thank you for sharing your story so courageously. Doubts are hard. I do believe in a healthy dosage of skepticism, but when its truth, its truth. Again, I will work on not using the diagnosis as a label, and use it instead to guide my healing and treatment, and also to find some experiences and symptoms I resonate with, and hopefully that will help erase doubt. Thank you for pointing me back here, and for your wonderful comment, I am incredibly thankful.
Neo,
Ah, just to hear and know someone understands is refreshing! This goes for everyone, of course. It is SO hard, and it doesnt help that I am so apprehensive and fearful about not getting enough done healing wise for me to go back to school next January. I’ll try to just accept where I am and do the best I can. I’ve been exploring the concept of dissociation occurring on a continuum, and it makes sense to me, but like I was saying earlier, the devil’s advocate inside me doesn’t necessarily want to commit. Thank you for your response, I appreciate your insight.
Again, thanks!
Hm.
17 signs out of 20…. guess that is not too good.
Wow… feels like ive had the air knocked out of me and punched in the gut. And … it felt really good to hear… someone else knows what the “feeling like evil is inside you” feels like. I always thought I was the only one with that feeling.
I think one thing that makes it soo very hard for me to deal with thr denial… and not push away insiders… is accepting that it could have still happened even if I can’t remember it. That is so hard for me to wrap my head around. My mom used to always say if you couldn’t remember something happening but you thought it had happened… then that was your brain trying to ‘make something up’ so as to back up your feelings. She didn’t ever believe about my insiders. But then I’m now learning… trying to accept that she -may have been- abusive. I’m trying. lol the hardest thing for me is that so many thing insiders say… sound too horrific to me to be possible. but our friend always believes us. and says that if insiders are ‘remembering’ it then it happened. and even though I have a hard time believing him…. there’s always a sense of peace and safety and validation inside just by knowing that he believes it.. even if I can’t understand/believe it… I try,… but it’s soo hard and I always belittle myself and minimize my own feelings… as I am now coming to understand.
We’ll get there! 😀 lol sometimes feels like it will never end lol But I’m determined to get to the bottom of it… lmao I hate leaving things unfinished 😛
Sally
I think we need to be REALLY careful here.
DD’s are more often being dx as more is known about them.
More and more its being understood how much people dissociate for whatever reasons day to day, or under stress etc.
Also trauma is subjective. So what is big T trauma for one person, might not be such a big deal for another…
Also, there seems to be at this time 4 points that are associated w/DD.
1.being predisposed to disoociating(either genetically or personality)
2.being around a dissociative person who is your caregiver
3. trauma of some sort
4. LACK of support to process trauma, whatever it was.
So being that DD’s are being more mainstream and dx’d more, then your going to have a greater range of REASONS for DD.
NOT ALL DD IS DUE TO SEVERE ONGOING TRAUMA.
This makes me mental(pardon the pun).
I am trying very hard not to ‘influence’ my therapy, or whats in my head.
Yet I see it over and over and over that I MUST have had terrible trauma to be dissociative. (FWIW I don’t feel I am DID, mebbe more like DDNOS).
So on some levels I feel I must fabricate or FIND the ‘hidden’ source of why I am DD’ed. I need an ‘explanation’ for why I am the way I am. According to most of what I read, I MUST have been horribly abused. I MUST be in denial.
This is so NOT to take away from the denial aspect. Oh ya, I am the queen of denial in many things. But more and more, I am thinking that I am pretty darn sure I was not SA or physically abused.
I think I had a sharp mind so I picked up on stuff I didn’t understand, and had little support. I couldn’t express strong emotions cuz I was allus worried my Mom would be hauled away cuz she was so stressed. My sib next to me had issues of some sort that were very challenging to live with, but I couldn’t ‘fight’ back, cuz sib would get upset, and this might upset my fragile mom, so I had to learn to tamp down my emotions. I had noone to go to about my fears etc, cuz mental health stuff(eg my Ma) was NOT talked about in those days. We allus had to keep up appearancesof being a nice family.
So this besides my health issues must have been ongoingly stressful.
And IMHO was probably enuf for me to become dissociative.
So my Ma did not abuse me in ANY way that I am aware of. Noone did. Other than small instances perhaps from other caregivers, I don’t think there was alot of probs in my history. NOONE has a perfect history, everybody has ‘stuff’ happen in one way or another.
Its mostly just ME, the way I was made. I couldn’t handle life, it was all too much, so I blanked it out.
Sorry bout the rant, just its really frustrating to keep getting this ‘severe abuse’ thing thrown in my face.
Just makes me further want to hide my dx and not admit it to anyone. Cuz they will assume I was horrifically abused(and that it must be my family) and I beleive I honestly wasn’t.
I WILL allow for the fact there is a possibility, that when I was very young, that ‘maybe’ there could have been ‘some’thing that happened, cuz I AM good at denial, but I doubt it, and even if there was, it was not ongoing.
I just think when ‘people'(?-I dunno, the ‘experts’?) out there talk about DD they should be MUCH more clear about the fact that it CAN be due to medical conditions , neglect , teasing, lack of support etc etc etc.
I think there have been some twin studies done that said it was not genetic, but I am still of the thot there is somehow a genetic component to it too. But perhaps that could be put down to exposure to another DD person.
My son, I think he tends to dissociate, but I think in his case, its cuz from infancy, he was extreemly easily stimulated by lights, sounds etc. He didn’t just do the Moro relex at sudden sounds, he had a small seizure and his eyes would roll back in his head. After being in the mall in his stroller, later that afternoon he would scream and scream unable to be soothed in order to discharge the energy he had built up internally coping from being exposed to all the lights sounds at the mall.
Yes, he has also been raised w/a Mom who dissociates……but I honestly don’t think anybody abused him. There wouldn’t have been much opportunities as I was a very protective Mom.
So I dunno.
Severe and ongoing abuse in his case…no, I am sure of that. It was rough for him I think having me as his Mom, and I went thru huge doubts wondering….COULD I have abused him somehow and not known???? But I have realized I could not have. I think I have good enuf internal communication as far as present day stuff, that I would know. There would be a small doubt. But after much thot, thankfully I have no doubts.
So,
YES, many who have dd have been abused, but not ALL, not 97% IMHO. I don’t necc think its even 97% of people w/full blown DID, though for sure the numbers would be higher.
So yes, you MAY have been abused, you may not have been.
The abuse may or may not have been ongoing or severe.(remember its subjective-but nevertheless real trauma to the one who endured it)
It might have been a babysitter or anybody you were in the care of. It might have been a one off, or it might have been ongoing.
But also…. it might not have been.
Also, one last point.
Is I have an approx 10 y/o boy part that loves nothing better than to get attn(internally) by embellishing and blood and gore type stuff. Kinda normal 10 y/o boy stuff. So I have to be REALLY careful to note WHERE some of my more ‘out there’ stuff is comming from. Is it from the boy? cuz then I goto take it w/a large grain of salt. Is the info comming from a more reliable source? well then maybe I need to revisit it.
Also, how a kid experiences stuff, is VERY different from how an adult does.
I struggle alot w/trying to understand stuff my ikids say, cuz it seems nonsensical, but then, when I realize its from a young kid, and try and get my head into a kids way of thinking….well then it makes alot more sense.
I have heard that babies while potty training can get WAY upset when you flush the ‘reults’ down the toilet. WTF???? well see, to THEM, the ‘results’ came out of them, its a part of them, and there you are flushing a part of them down the toilet 🙁 🙁
I can think of many examples, but I’ll leave it a that.
So thats my thots.
I may change my tune, but at this point in time, this is my opinion personally, and also derived from what I have read and heard from other people.
I hope I have in no way made anyone feel bad. Sometimes my words are clear to me what I mean, but then come across very differently to another.
I am not minimizing DD. I am not saying bad things didn’t happen.
I am just saying to be careful is all.
Therapy for this stuff takes time. I don’t think its necessary to rush in and start ‘hunting’ for abuse. Just take it slow. If there was abuse, likely it will eventually come up. If there wasn’t abuse thats OK too, cuz trauma and abuse take many forms, and we as individuals are all different.
Its a big topic.
Obvo a thorn in MY side huh?
Thx
Muffled Ones…
I can appreciate that your opinion is different from mine – that is ok.
However, I will say that in the 20+ years I have worked with DID survivors, ALL of the DID survivors that I have worked with on an individual basis (the people that I really got to know) have had severe trauma. Not all of them had ongoing trauma (meaning current day abuse), but some did (and still do). But ALL of the DID survivors that I know have had severe trauma histories, specifically during childhood.
I do think that there are parts of most DID systems that may not have had any direct abuse happen to them. There are usually parts of the system that know nothing of any trauma. That doesn’t mean that no trauma happened. It means that that specific part doesn’t know about any trauma happening. Dissociative walls and amnesiac barriers can be incredibly strong. The info about the trauma can be kept from some parts in the system.
However, that means that others in the system experienced the abuse. There may be giant huge dissociative walls between those that know about the abuse from those that didn’t know about the abuse, but the person as a whole would have had a traumatic, abusive history.
You — as your own self — may not be “in denial” per se, as the abuse may really not have happened to the “you” who you are in your system.
But ask inside. Ask the others within your system if THEY were abused. They will have information about the overall life that you have not been allowed to know.
In my years of work at a DID specialist, there has always, always been parts in the system who know about the abuse.
The bigger question is — if you were kept separated from the abuse, are you willing to listen to what the others in your system have to say about their life experiences? Whether you do or don’t do this is a topic for you and your therapist to discuss – it’s definitely not my call to tell you that you have to do that (because you don’t). But in my years as a DID therapist, this is one of the starting questions I ask when working with the parts that don’t know about the abuse.
Good luck to you in your healing journey –
Kathy
Hi,
i would like to respond to the suggestion that trauma effects can, or cannot occur without trauma. I personally believe that the trauma and the trauma effects are two different things. Trauma causes the trauma effects, but it is not the same. I believe that trauma causes that your natural mental boundaries are broken down. Just like a physical accident causes physical trauma, so also spiritual trauma causes spiritual wounds an vulnerability.
The thing is that there are other ways to brake down these mental boundaries, such as by drugs, and you may very well get similar effects. So if you want to find out the cause of “trauma effects” you need to look at influences that make you spiritually vulnerable. Trauma is indeed one major cause.
Other causes may involve spiritual activities but that is a very controversial subject that i will not go into.
Kathy, you are very welcome 🙂 It’s actually not the first time I’ve taken something to therapy that you’ve written! I find your blog incredibly insightful and, of course, helpful and am very grateful for the time you take to write it. Thank you 🙂
All the best
SI x
Thanks again, Insomniac 🙂
I’m glad the blog is helpful. 🙂
You’ve made my day. 🙂
Kathy
It is a shame, that #18 and our failure to carry that out.
Just reinforces our feelings of failure. Catch 22.
oh dear, ouch….
peacesoflife…
I hope that someday you can feel glad that you are still here…
And I hope there can be peace in life for you too.
Kathy
oh 🙁
But I don’t think so.
We allus stay away from parts, cept whoever comes and goes.
Them parts inside gots emotions we reckon YUK. We not much for emotions…
So we stay away.
Panic stations, emotions freak us.
Sides, we not DID either, we reckon we a step down from that.
We sposed to LITTLE LITTLE bit mebbe listen and look inside and stuff.
Little bit only.
But nothing bad there. We be sure. We lucky I guess.
We just gots emotions and dunno what to do them things.
Makes the stomach hurt lotsa times. Mebbe we sick. Dunno.
I think we was oversensitive hyper kid is what, that why we be like this is all.
I hope I don’t sound dumb 🙁
Lotta noise.
Thats all.
And this particular article is one of the top three pages viewed on this blog.
This makes sense to me – there are a lot of people out there with unresolved trauma issues. I hope this article is helpful for you.
Warmly,
Kathy
This is my first time on this site I have read alot on this page and I have some of those symptoms but let me begin by introducing myself, my name is Christopher I am 18years old and have been dealing with a problem that I can’t seem to figure out I am not seeking therapy yet but I want to. So anyways I don’t know when exactly I started feeling this way but it’s been like serious lately about 2years I lost interest in almost everything I loved before, I feel lonely in a way, I have no control of my thoughts meaning random stuff will just pop up and won’t go away I keep thinking about life and the purpose of life what’s the point of living if we have to struggle ect, I get frustrated by the smallest thing most days some days I’m sad for no reason but sometimes it will last for a few weeks a month more or less. I use to have a I don’t care aditude and just want to live life to the fullest no matter what. But now it’s all mixed and I’m confused I don’t feel myself anymore I’m not who I used to be. It’s hard to explain everything but the worst of all of it is that nothing seems real at times I space out and feel like it’s a dream for a moment. My family and friends just tell me to talk about it or ignore it but its impossible! Nothing seems real I’m not myself I don’t recall my childhood only bits and pieces. I’m losing my mind I can’t find peace I don’t know what makes me happy anymore and the weirdest part is I fear if I do seek help and I get cured would I still be the same person if I was meant to be how I am now why should I change it then there’s everything happens for a reason and just go with the flow in life, and I will be honest I am on drugs I am not addicted I’ve went cold turkey and quit for 4months but didn’t abuse it or fein for drugs. Kathy if can please help me understand atleast just a bit of what is going on with me it would be much appreciated and would ease my mind a bit, and sorry for the long comment :/
Reblogged this on Mm172001's Blog and commented:
I’ve been thinking about dissociation a lot recently. And came across this blog post. It’s undeniable that I’ve had trauma in my life, multiple traumas in fact and those are just ones I know about. I relate to numbers 2-8, 10, 12-15, 17, 18, and 20. So that’s 15 out of 20.
Im from Excitable Gurelle and I don’t remember placing that link. Please forgive us. Obviously one did, lol. I promise Im not trolling for readers. Again, so sorry
35 yrs knowing i have block out the night my mom died and no family help ever and don’t know how to remember but can’t stop the pain
I read this and was just amazed how I still deal with several of these even though I am currently working with a therapist. Thanks for listing this. I would like to add this list to my own blog, giving credit to you of course, and a link back to your own blog. You always have great info and insight.
Thank you.
Healing
Reblogged this on Understanding Me and Her.
Traumatic memory is as old as the hills. The inner child was born since the “in the beggining”. Memory and mind by nature are the fabric that weaves. Or deepest menories are inherited. Without a trauma model and spiritaul healing practice the awakening becomes overwhelming. Therapy can represent the state of presence. The question i ask is whose mind are you.
So celebrate your awakening. we are the brave ones who bring love and transformation because we dare to awaken from a timeless slumber of harmful multigenerational programming. The inner revolution is learning to deprogram all of consciousness of which we are a fragment. We must learn to present ourselves to love, creativity, inner alchemy. I can suggest various links and please visit my site. Andrewscheim.com. We work together in one generation to meet this awesome challenge. We are blessed because their has never been so many teachings available for ones self study. We are at a crossroads the old intensifying and the new meeting it in all its sublime beauty.
would add to the list
–Numerous unresolved somatic issues like headaches, difficulty sleeping, stomachaches, muscle aches and pains that medical professionals have difficulty explaining
Hi – just found this site today while looking for more information on dissociative issues and relationships. Read this particular page from top to bottom and appreciate your outlook and caring attitude towards your readers.
I am approaching 60 and some of the milestones in this journey are that at 28 I was informed by my young sister that I had been abused by my father as a baby and very young child. She knew this because both her and my .brother have all their memories and were also sexually abused. The reason she brought it up at that time was because I had just been informed by my daughter’s daycare facility that SHE also had been abused (later found out that my son had also been abused). But I seriously had absolutely NO awareness until that moment. It took another 25 years before I was able to address the issues by attending group therapy sessions combined with individual therapy by an association in my county that provides these services for free. While in group I heard the word dissociate for the first time. That was about 5 years ago. The list you provided is about 80% my truth. I have been released from the free therapies (funding only allows so much time on each person) after 5 years. This “graduation” took place a year ago. I have happily been using coping skills learned for the past year, but am now at a point where I want to address just how much of my life is affected by my disorder/disease. I recently ended a 1.5 year relationship with a man who treated me very well – SO much better than the 24 year emotional, physically abusive relationship I was in previously. I spent 6 years dating no-one, no social interactions with men, no sex, no love. I have devoted this part of my life to my children and their children.
So – the reason for my post is that I have considered myself to be dissociative for the past few years, my memory is horrible and almost debilitating (I work as an Office Admin and forgetting isn’t part of that job description) and I realize that all my life I have used dissociating as a coping method, it has gotten SOOOO easy to just zone out, it has occurred to me that if I am dissociating, i.e. in an alternate awareness and therefore not in the situation that my physical self is in, who is replacing ‘me’. I asked my daughter, who is my biggest ally, even though she is suffering from horrid PTSD over many things in her life, who she saw when I dissociate (she can tell, from life’s experiences, exactly when I zone out by the look in my eyes). Surprising (to me, probably not to professionals) she had an exact answer – I turn into my manipulative, insensitive, impatient father.
I don’t know of any ‘others’ in my head – so I have kind of a question – can I dissociate, and still function in a social environment – without accessing another ‘self’?
wow. I’m one year in on this journey of healing.
I recognize myself in almost all 20 listed.
allowing myself to notice and feel when those come up is my work now. exhausting and energizing all at the same time.
thank you for this…I needed to read something about myself tonite. this helped.
Hello Kristin,
Thank you for your comment, and welcome to Discussing Dissociation. The healing journey takes a lot of time, effort, and dedication, but it is very well worth it. The more healing you have within yourselves, the better you can feel about yourself as a whole. Its a great reward in itself. 🙂
Keep up the good work, and thank you for reminding us all to take time to read something about ourself.
Warmly,
Kathy
Reblogged this on My Blog.
Reblogged this on kwcreations and commented:
Read this very interesting article this morning
This is great work, well done! Today Ive made a few discoveries on who I am,
Thank u,
Jane
Thank you Jane, and welcome to Discussing Dissociation. Many many people have been writing and commenting on this blog for years now. There is lots n lots of great info. I hope you continue to find helpful tips and make personal discoveries as you read through the pages here. Welcome, welcome. 🙂
Warmly,
Kathy
I like the new look of your blog. Very fancy:) the stars are pretty.
This particular article, 20 Signs of Unresolved Trauma, received nearly 260 views in one single day this week, and it continues to be one of the most highly viewed posts of all time from the Discussing Dissociation blog. What’s going on out there? I’m so pleased to see this article is being seen. I hope it’s helpful too.
Your comments, as always, are appreciated. 🙂
Warmly,
Kathy
Been there done that. I was molested as a young child by neighbor boy. Back then parents didn’t talk about ‘sex’. I had wonderful parents. They noticed one day I went from a very happy child to a quiet child but didn’t think about what could have caused it. So I never had counseling. I was used by one guy after another growing up because I didn’t know it was wrong. My parents even let me ‘date’ an 18 yr old when I was 11. They had no idea. My first marriage was highly abusive. He tried to shoot me, beat me and belittled me. When he cheated on me I got the courage to divorce him. I had one baby and pregnant with another. A year after divorce was final I met and fell in love with another man. As the time went on I started having problems emotionally. I wanted to die, my moods were flipping so fast it was exhausting. My husband was very concerned but had no idea what could be causing it. Neither did I as I was happy with him. He didn’t belittle, or abuse me. I would have terrible nightmares that would make me scream out and he’d wake me. I finally got tired of it and wrote a letter to the area counselors. Told them about my feelings and moods. But I had no insurance and were broke. We were looking for a job and couldn’t find any as the country was in a recession at the time. They contacted me back and said to come in they’ll work with me. I went in. I was diagnosed with Manic depression ,now a days called Bi-polar. That was in 1987. Going through therapy all my past came out. Not at once but over time. I’ve seen many different therapists and they all were good. But you can only talk things over for so long. I went for years. Like maybe 10 years or more. But I’ve never been without medications. I have tried to stop on different occassions and the moods start in. So back on my meds. It isn’t easy. Some days I wish I had someone to talk with on the computer. I know whats wrong…chemical imbalance is what they say.I’ll be fine. I have my husband who’ve been there all along, supporting me. Family! My parents were told what happened when I was a kid and they’ve been here helping me get through the tough times. I would do the same for anyone out there that just needs to talk.
Reblogged this on MAKE BPD STIGMA-FREE!.
I learned a long time ago from my mother nobody cares about the trauma you go through as a child while it is going on and once you have survived it nobody cares then either. That’s how she and her friends got away with it for so long nobody cared and they still don’t so as she told me I just have to suck it up, and go on.
I learned a long time ago from my mother nobody cares about the trauma you go through as a child while it is going on, and once you have survived it nobody cares then either. That’s how she and her friends got away with it for so long nobody cared and they still don’t so as she told me I just have to suck it up, and go on.
How do you face your trauma issues when the perpetrator keeps invalidating it? How can you face it when no one believes you and when these perpetrators keep following you around even in your support group? It is too easy to say that our lives can be better once we face our trauma issues but facing it is a lot more difficult and complex than it appears to be.
I have every single last one of these!!!! And, my abuse, I’m certain, began as an infant in Texas. My father was caught and convicted of an unknown sex crime in the Air Force, in San Antonio and dishonorably discharged. My pediatric records there would be on the Air Force base. I haven’t the first clue how to recover them or how to begin finding out the facts and how to press charges. I’m only now recovering numerous body memories and overwhelming evidence of sadistic ritual abuse. It’s most likely happened my entire childhood and I’m certain it continues to this day with my younger siblings. There IS strong evidence in my pediatric medical records of abuse and sexual abuse, yet nobody did a thing. Do you have any idea of organizations that help victims with investigations that are extensive? The police don’t seem to want to listen, paritially I think because the military record is sealed.
I recognize myself in many of these signs of unresolved trauma, for sure, but I kind of resent the implication that all trauma hearkens back to child abuse. I was not an abused child; I had wonderful parents who treated me very well. However, I definitely have adoption trauma, as I was very reluctantly given up by my mother, who was abused very badly by the doctor, hospital, medical staff at my birth, and of course coerced, forced and emotionally abused by the system at the time (baby scoop era) and by her family. When you grow up thinking you were unwanted , a mistake, abandoned, rejected , not “good enough to keep “, etc it messes with your mind, heart and soul. We had no information, so I did not know even that she loved or cared about me and tried to keep me until I was 23. I did not know of the “baby scoop era” and how nearly all of these unmarried mothers were coerced or forced to surrender back then , which seemed to bring many of my repressed true feelings about my relinquishment “out of the closet “. I think I had been dissociating my whole life to keep it all at bay. Add to that piled on new traumas in adulthood – my adoptive mother dying when I was 28, losing my young (33) husband suddenly, finding him dead, raising my children alone, one son with severe Aspergers; both traumatized; attempting to remarry, but later finding out it was a mistake – this person would abandon us too, leaving me with our new baby daughter; that was an eighteen year ordeal as I raised her alone and fought for her with him for even her basic needs. In the past two years, my original mother, with whom I’ve been in reunion for 30 years, begins rejecting me (but not other loved ones or my kids) because now for whatever reason, I am triggering her to relive her adoption trauma just by being in the same room. She lives with my full ( kept) sister, with whom I am close. Mom goes on to develop Alzheimer’s and I’m losing her all over again. I am now decompensating, still depressed, although in treatment for that and PTSD, and my middle son, who resents me for his perceived slights ( I think he was so good, the golden child, that he did not receive quite as much attention as his special needs brother or his infant sister, and now he has convinced my 18 year old, but still in HS, dear, beloved daughter that I am “dangerous” to her because I am depressed (but still functioning!) I also have a degenerative physical condition that has disabled me , and he does not believe any of my doctors, MRI’s, genetic testing etc and has declared that there is nothing wrong with me except that I’m “crazy”, and has managed to convince other family members and daughters father that daughter, whose senior year and preparation for college I was enjoying so much with her and totally supporting, needs to move out for her own “safety”. I might add I have been devoted and involved with all of my children, but especially lately the youngest, as the boys are now 25 and 28. This son has also been emotionally, financially, and medically abusive in the past, so much so that it was witnessed by my friends and called in to adult protective services. He is very smart, like his dad and I, but also very arrogant, narcissistic , controlling, and has to be right all the time. I believe this is some sort of revenge, although I can’t understand it; although he was the middle child, he always had everythjng he needed of wanted, had my time and attention and devotion, but also resented his disabled brother and the attention I gave him. That son is. 28, has struggled gaining independence, went through some very rough years, and now has settled down with a woman and they have a baby together – my first granddaughter, whom I love deeply. I am two weeks into the trauma of him yanking my daughter out of my home, and if I was depressed before , now I am traumatized once again and even more depressed . The degree of damage he has caused, to my psychel, my physical health, (he hasn’t lifted a finger to help me with anything in years, even iwhen I was in the hospital nearly dying from meningitis last year, and has taken advantage of me in so many ways – and all I ever wanted was to love and support my kids and be a good mom. I am crushed once again, and now he has spread these lies about me being “a danger” because of depression and physical illness, ruining my reputation as a good, involved , loving , caring mom in our small town, where I am a longtime music teacher and musician, and with our family and my daughters father, who was absent most of her life this far, but is now jumping to her side and calling this “all my fault”, stopping her child support, putting our family home and my daughter’s welfare in danger, telling his whole family I’m crazy, blocking me so that we cannot even discuss our daughter, her school affairs or he college applications etcetera, which we were discussing just fine two weeks ago. It’s beyond what I can even fathom. Some in the family know about my son’s problems with arrogance and lies, but he has others hood winked . He has always been very good at “gaslighting” me , twisting nearly anything to make himself look good and for me to start believing what he says. How am I to ever jump off this PTSD train, when more things keep occurring? I am a good person; I have invested my life in these children and doing what was best for them; I have worked so hard to overcome so many obstacles in this life and to see the best in everyone and try to remain positive , but now, my trust, which was always an issue for me, has been completely shattered to pieces. I have very good friends who see and know what’s happening and are furious with him; they are helping me get through this as best I can, but honestly, I am afraid. I reacted with abject terror when he did this; I’m still there. Disassociating would feel so much better than this deep heartbreak and mistrust and terror. How much trauma can one person take? I really wonder if there’s a point of no return for me.
I didn’t realize I was suffering trauma until I read all the signs which I have most of. I blocked most of my childhood out but I do remember some bits and pieces of the bad. I would never have thought any of what I went through ‘traumatic’ but clearly the past haunts me still so I guess it was… Thank you for your article, it opened my eyes. I have talked to counsellors before about things but I have such a hard time opening myself up and actually getting it all out. I have yet to find someone I trust or that can relate to me, that I can talk to. I think I remember certain memories of abuse but I thought it was all mental abuse until now, I don’t know if they were real or from a nightmare because it is bits and pieces. It’s weird how your brain does that, how it blocks things out to protect you… I have a little girl of my own now and the first thing on my mind is how can I protect her from the monsters of this world? And knowing whats out there, it scares me that I can’t. I was abused when I was 17 and my mom blamed me for it and maybe it was my fault, I don’t know, but I kept thinking shouldn’t she be on my side? I was so hurt and never trusted her with anything since. She blames me for living half the time but most of the abuse I got was mental. Shes not the only one, my fathers wife was mentally abusive too when I was a kid… Although my mother still is mentally abusive and I’m in my 30s now still dealing with it. My mother talks down about me to my baby girl and my daughter thinks she doesn’t have to listen to me then. I love my mother but she is toxic for me, a lot of us think she is bipolar but my mother won’t listen to us. I have dealt with her mental abuse since as far as I can remember and I don’t want to make the same mistakes with my daughter. Your article shows me I still have a long ways to go with healing my inner child, but at least I know now why I feel the way I do. Abuse hurts, no matter what kind it is. I just never really realized mental abuse created trauma and all these feelings that go with it. Anyways, thank you.
hi. I am a survivor of a lot of really bad stuff. I suffer with PTSD, Psychosis, Multiples, Anxiety Disorder and Depression. I have a group of 6 that collectively call themselves “The Council”. I have let them out a bit at a time, but am terrified to do so. they aren’t all safe and they definitely are dangerous to myself and others. I am in therapy with a great therapist and with the support of her and my husband, I am slowly dealing with all that happened.
I want to thank you for this article. it is something I can post out there to help explain myself to my friends and family.
my spirit is still broken, but the love of my husband and best friend help hold the pieces of “We” together until I can fix my basket to carry it myself.
Thank you for letting my ramble some thoughts to you .
I checked off almost all of these, I sometimes instantaneously start boiling with rage and anger, hate myself for no apparent reason and start becoming so very destructive. I can’t help but feel that i’m draining everyone around me and I only make everything worse even though I’m told otherwise. I’ve wanted to die for a very long time but I know there’s a couple things I have to do first. I feel like after reading this, I must have trauma and I’ve always sensed some form of violation in my past but I don’t have any particular memories of anything. How can I find out what may have traumatized me?
Reblogged this on Spirit In Action and commented:
Thank you for sharing this. Not only individuals but whole societies are trapped in dysfunctional patterns due to unresolved trauma. I believe that when we take responsibility to address and work through our individual issues we move the human collective closer to releasing the miseries of the past as well. Another World Is Possible applies to each of our lives as well as our whole global society.
I have signs of unresolved trauma, but not all the ones you listed. My relationships tend to be long and stable, and my friendships are too. But I feel in incredible danger when there is tension in the air or when people are angry. I dissociate a lot and I have the persistent and troubling sense that I have no idea who I am. I know what my characteristics are – and they are consistent – and I am not aimless (I work towards the same career and life goals I have had for the last 18 years, since I was 10). I also hold consistent personality traits, such as an irritability towards irrationality, a desire of cognitive stimulation, enjoying intellectual challenges, being quite an individualistic person etc. I’m also messy and always have been, and some people find me arrogant (but I think this is aloofness mistaken for arrogance). Sometimes I have intense emotions that seem to come from nowhere and I don’t understand them. Most of the time my emotional experience is vague and odd – I don’t really know how I feel.
I’ve had therapy and I changed my mind from ‘my childhood was an Enid Blyton story’ to ‘ok, my childhood was a bit troubled’, but there are still no signs of obvious abuse. My mother is very open about mistakes that were made in my childhood and tells me about things that I have no memory of. She has so much guilt about everything she confesses all, so I just don’t believe there is some big secret that ‘something happened to me’ and I don’t remember what. My parents do say I seemed to change quite a bit when I started school, but then I was never afraid of school, so I doubt anything bad happened to me there either.
Is there a suggestion that something happened that you can’t remember? Or can trauma just mean prolonged and mild discomfort? Perhaps never feeling 100% safe, rather than a dangerous occurrence actually happening?
This article induces shame for what many Trauma survivors have very little control over.
For many healthcare providers PTSD is a gaping black hole with no treatment available. Many are very aware of the problems associated with their traumas but no matter how hard they try, they cannot access evidence based treatment because it is not available or accessible. We have to stop blaming victims for being unable to heal, process or even recognize the effects of trauma. The truth is that we still don’t fully understand PTSD. We don’t have clear treatment for every person on the PTSD continuum and its time we stopped expecting everyone who has PTSD to respond in the same way to all treatments.
Reblogged this on LMGTFY.
Working with psychologist. Told her in first session there was sexual abuse. Tried to get out of talking many times and focused on my parenting and parents negativity in my life. Been writing journal. Last session I felt a breakthrough coming but I stopped myself from letting the tears flow completely because of embarassment. She asked questions I answered and never thought I would finally start to break down. I have a lot that happened. Should I give her the list to keep me focused. I just wanted a better childhood
Thank you all for sharing the pain of dissociation. I’;m 84 annd still experience unresolved fears. Listening to so many people with similar sensations is providing a community of lpeople who understand this pain, and is providing the attention I need even if it’s not live.. My mother was frozen in many ways. I never had a discussion of impotance or even casual talk with anyone in the family. I was shut out for sure and have to make it up to myself all the time.
I don’t ever recall having any sort of actual trauma…at least nothing that could cause any problems and yet I experience nearly everything on this list. O_o
OMG – all but a few of these are me – and it’s only this last 6 months have I started to realise through counselling why I behave and act the way I do and why I have these problems. It’s been 21 years since the abuse and I have been living with the exhaustive list for approx 18 years of my life. But never ever realised that it was due to ‘trauma’ and I look very differently on my past now as an adult than I did as a child so it is only recently that I can see how it has affected me. Thanks for sharing this post ??
Hello Katie De B,
Welcome to Discussing Dissociation. You are very welcome — thank you for your comment!
I am glad this article was useful for you, and I hope you continue work on your healing in your counselling. It sounds like you have quite a lot of self awareness, and you are on a solid path to addressing many of your concerns. Keep up the good work!
I wish you he best in your healing journey.
Warmly,
Kathy
to all, need to make a couple of good points here; one, if you were not the victim of the abuse, but had a sibling who was, the damage can be just as devastating.. we wonder why we couldn’t have stopped it (but we were only children, after all), why we weren’t the ones who were abused instead of letting someone else be abused.. keep in mind, the feelings of guilt and shame about knowing and not stopping it damage us about as much as being the abused one.. My second point, if you had a parent or both parents who were either physically or emotionally unavailable, you had no support at home. even if the abuse took place everywhere other than at home, there was no safe place to be. and being subjected to the abuse, or watching someone else go thru it, we all have a certain look, i call it the victim face, that abusers recognise and look for.. it opens us up to being abused. My third point, memories will only return when we are ready to deal with them; they can’t be forced, as much as we would like to feel and face them all, right now, and begin the healing process. i know, i have tried. doesn’t work. i think we all want to heal immediatly, but to be honest, it would open us up to severe mental breakdowns, even tho at times we all feel close to having one.. Dont. it’s too very intense, and there’s not one of us who could handle all of our memories coming out all at once. i have learned to listen to that little voice, the one that says, this smell is traumatic, this song, this car, this place, this color, this shirt, park, whatever it might be. when we were exposed to the abuse (of us or of others), we ceased being children. we learned almost immediatly to look over our shoulders, to pay attention to that intuition, to that feeling something was wrong, someone needed to be distanced from. we turned into little adults, we had to look out for ourselves, there was no-one else to do so. and yes, alot of us were ignored, and not believed when we said anything at all; we were branded as liars, because of an adults denial. some of us, and i am one, turned into liars and thieves, our way of saying “help”, and/or being just what we were told we were. about 10 years ago, my birthmonster (birthmother) came to michigan for a visit.. she was here for 2 weeks, about a 2 hour drive away. she gave my brother and i an afternoon. she spent it telling me what a rotton child i was, that she was right all along that i would never turn out to be worth anything, that i still was the most rotton person on earth. after her visit, i came to realize that even tho she birthed me, she was never a mother. she will never be the mother i need her to be, and that i can make myself feel bad about myself all by myself; i certainly don’t need her help. so for nine years we had no contact. she recently called me; to re-establish contact, and try to form a relationship. i don’t think she’s capable, she’s much too deep into denial. at least i must have accepted the fact that she’ll never be who i need her to be, as it really doesn’t hurt to be in contact so much anymore; now i look at it as contact with a person from ymy past that i used to kind of know. healing takes a long time, sometimes we can’t heal all the way, and our history will never go away. but as we heal, it gets less intense, moves further from the front of our minds to the back of our minds. we start to learn to live and stay in the present. ~marcia~
oh, by the way, i went into substance abuse recovery for the third time around at the age of 29.. i learned that if i wanted to feel at all good about myself, i needed to stop doing the things that allowed me to hate myself. AA says strict self honesty; i embrace that with every shred of my being. today i don’t lie, i don’t steal, and i try to open my home to the kids my son hangs with, who also have no support at home; to give them that safe place i never had and they need so badly. if i can help just one to feel like they don’t have to remain the “lost child” i will have accomplished what i set out to do. i try to teach by example, not by preaching or browbeating. after 28 years of living clean and sober, i finally feel like i’m doing something right. ~Marcia~
Hi Marcia,
Welcome to Discussing Dissociation, and thank you for your comments. It sounds like you are doing a lot of things right! I hear how serious and genuine you are about your healing process, and I know how much work it is to work on a very complicated personal healing process, and to also provide a kind home full of support and safety for your children and their friends. It’s very very ok to separate yourself from anyone abusing you, and good for you to find a pathway that is much kinder to children. Your progress, growth, and self strength are visible. Keep up the great work!
Thanks for sharing.
Warmly,
Kathy
Reblogged this on Stoning Demons and commented:
This is an excellent list of issues that are associated with unresolved trauma. I hope you find the article as interesting as I did.
Spiritual practices have been a lifesaver for me. Forgiveness and grace for myself and all the others involved, mindfulness and meditation and embodied restorative yoga to get grounded in the here and now with all these anxiety and pain symptoms…definitely a process. EMDR has helped me too. It’s not something that can be healed just by thinking or speaking, although honesty, and acknowledgement, and reassurance are part of it too. The cognitive dissonance and shame are a huge part for me so kindness and love in my church community has been healing for me, to trust people and myself again…luckily it’s a healthy church and I know that’s unfortunately not a given, and hypocrisy can just add to the layers of trauma. Thanks for the discussion, peace and blessings to all of you on your journeys.
“Obesity” is not an eating disorder, it’s a descriptor of body size. Body size is not an indicator of mental illness any more than hair color is.
I’m looking forward to more posts as I begin to educate myself on this subject. My daughter wasn’t just bullied, she was tortured by a classmate for 2 years through physical assaults. She now has DID and we are just beginning our journey to help her heal.
I found this page via a comment on Facebook and although I myself am fortunate to have no mental health issues, I am very sympathetic to those who do.
The role of spirituality and religion in these kind of problems is interesting and controversial. Spirituality may help some but it severely hinders many others.
I have a friend who ticks all the symptoms on the list. He was not sexually abused but there was constant violence in the home with older siblings and severe emotional neglect and belittling from parents.
He might have coped with this if it had not been for the fact that his family were religious, which compounded all the problems.
HIs family were Jehovah’s Witnesses but he was sent to the local Catholic school. He was not allowed to take part in school assembly, which made him stand out as odd, plus not being allowed to be part of school sports teams, attend birthday parties or celebrate Christmas. He was bullied by many of the teachers and openly scorned for his family’s beliefs. His schoolwork was publicly ridiculed in front of the whole class by some of the teachers. He was physically abused by a teacher on one occasion to the extent of having his skull cracked open. He became a reclusive, self harming and suicidal teenager. Relationships and friendships were out of the question.
As an adult JW he was not allowed by the elders of the congregation to seek professional therapy which is considered worldly and frowned upon. They blamed his problems on lack of effort to please Jehovah and on attacks by Satan. Feelings of guilt were dreadful. He did himself permanent physical harm by sticking to the rule of no masturbation, considered a very sinful and unclean practice.
He was counselled by the Elders that the only way to improve matters was to pray more and do more door knocking, which of course just made matters much worse for someone who was in deep depression and suffering PTSD and panic attacks. The congregation meant well but were always giving clichéd useless advice like going for a walk to cheer himself up, which was totally inadequate and counterproductive to what he really needed. Prayer made no difference and the harder he tried to obey the rules and be a good Christian, the more ill he became.
When he finally left the cult in his mid 30s, matters got worse for a while as he was shunned by the congregation and his family so he had no friends. Suicide was a daily danger. He wrote a diary to face his issues and moved away and I subsequently met him and have befriended him and I’m pleased to say he is making slow progress in some areas. But some deeper wounds will never heal.
I understand that for some, their faith may be supportive and really help, but for my friend and others I know of, being in a religion which teaches that if you are unhappy it must mean you are not doing enough to please God, is very dangerous.
great article, I am 43 and just starting to realize why my whole life I have always been depressed and feel like I have no identity, like I am fake. I have alway felt like something was missing from my life, like there is a hole in me and used addictions to mask the pain and hurt and shame which of course creates more shame, pain and hurt.
I never set out to be like this I have always wanted to be happy and loved and secure. I would try and be happier or more loving, like trying to fix the symptoms but it only works for a short time because the root of the problem is still there.
I had seen a tv show about loving yourself and I started to cry because I realized that I never loved my self. Then I started to wonder why I never loved myself from a child to a 43 year old adult. There had to be a reason, I did not just wake up one morning as a child and say I do love you anymore.
As I ask god for help I started searching the internet and found many articles about if you are not shown love as a child and/or are abandoned then you will have low self esteem and no love for yourself because how can you be lovable when you own parents did not show you love by spending time with you because they themselves were products of childhood trauma that they were never able to overcome.
I really believe if you had childhood trauma you will not even know about it or be in denial of it like I was my whole life. I though that I had a perfect childhood but now that I am older I am aware that I chased my depressed father for love but he had none to give and as a child I tried to make him happy but I felt like a failure because he was always depressed and distant. How to do think that makes a child feel??? I left home at 15 and my parents were proud of me 🙁 They would send me to stranger for the summer and one time somethings happened to me that is still painful to think about and I never told anyone.
Now I find my self not showing my son love, not spending quailty time with him and talking to him about how he feels. I think this was the biggest reason that made me aware that I did indeed have childhood trauma because I could see I was doing the samething to my child that my father did to me.
With this awareness I can now stop the cycle by learning to give myself the love that I never recieved instead of hidding behind addictions or trying to find a woman to give me the love I never recieved as a child. As I learn to heal from past neglect and start loving myself I will have love to give to my children. What an eye opening experience. Thank you for writing this article and thank you God for showing me the way to healing childhood wounds.
I pray that everyone can to learn to truly love and appreciate themselves because we are all gods children and we all deserve love and happiness not addictions, pain and shame.
great article, I am 43 and just starting to realize why my whole life I have always been depressed and feel like I have no identity, like I am fake. I have alway felt like something was missing from my life, like there is a hole in me and used addictions to mask the pain and hurt and shame which of course creates more shame, pain and hurt.
I never set out to be like this I have always wanted to be happy and loved and secure. I would try and be happier or more loving, like trying to fix the symptoms but it only works for a short time because the root of the problem is still there.
I had seen a tv show about loving yourself and I started to cry because I realized that I never loved my self. Then I started to wonder why I never loved myself from a child to a 43 year old adult. There had to be a reason, I did not just wake up one morning as a child and say I do love you anymore.
As I ask god for help I started searching the internet and found many articles about if you are not shown love as a child and/or are abandoned then you will have low self esteem and no love for yourself because how can you be lovable when you own parents did not show you love by spending time with you because they themselves were products of childhood trauma that they were never able to overcome.
I really believe if you had childhood trauma you will not even know about it or be in denial of it like I was my whole life. I though that I had a perfect childhood but now that I am older I am aware that I chased my depressed father for love but he had none to give and as a child I tried to make him happy but I felt like a failure because he was always depressed and distant. How to do think that makes a child feel??? I left home at 15 and my parents were proud of me 🙁 They would send me to stranger for the summer and one time somethings happened to me that is still painful to think about and I never told anyone.
Now I find my self not showing my son love, not spending quailty time with him and talking to him about how he feels. I think this was the biggest reason that made me aware that I did indeed have childhood trauma because I could see I was doing the samething to my child that my fatger did to me.
With this awareness I can now stop the cycle by learning to give myself the love that I never recieved instead of hidding behind addictions or trying to find a woman to give me the love I never recieved as a child. As I learn to heal from past neglect and start loving myself I will have love to give to my children. What an eye opening experience. Thank you for writing this article and thank you God for showing me the way to healing childhood wounds.
I pray that everyone can to learn to truly love and appreciate themselves because we are all gods children and we all deserve love and happiness not addictions, pain and shame.
This is an amazing list! It’s a great tool to look back on every so often to see how you’re doing. I can deffinetely see how I’ve had these issues in my life and how through living in a long term residential facility for people with mental illness that has daily case management and an awesome therapist I’m working through a lot of this. What’s discouraging is when these issues appear again after you thought you got a handle on them. Guess that’s part of the process.
Great article!
Reblogged this on Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD and commented:
I definitely have unresolved trauma, as per this article.
Great info.
Reblogged this on Protective Mothers' Alliance International.
Reblogged this on slk1217's Blog.
I wish there was something here about how you can help others out of the pain… or what are the future implications of being in a relationship with someone that has unresolved trauma?
Very good article! One of the things that has really been a fantastic tool is learning about DBT~Dialectical Behavior Therapy. I highly recommend it! sending love to all
I just found this site and I love it! Reposted here https://www.facebook.com/NarcissisticVictimSyndrome
Reblogged this on Lucky Otter's Haven and commented:
Here is a fascinating article about how trauma due to abuse can lead to a post-traumatic condition that resembles Borderline Personality Disorder in almost every aspect. I wonder if this could mean I don’t actually have BPD. I have a lot of these symptoms, although they’ve improved over the years. I was diagnosed with BPD twice but maybe my therapists were wrong. These are symptoms of C-PTSD (which I have seen compared with BPD which it mimics). I thought I had recovered from my PTSD but maybe I have not. I’m still going to assume I’m borderline for now, but this makes me wonder. Borderlines have most of these traits, including dissociation.
I am also adding this website to my blogroll. A friend of mine just told me about it.
In all honesty I am all of those.. Still to this day I can’t face my father.. And really don’t think it would be should a good idea..
I have nearly all of these along with déjà vu/depersonalization/derealization. What steps do you suggest to start healing? I had an abusive father and then had an abusive husband who I’ve now been divorced from for 4 years.
Hello,
Its my first time commenting although I have been reading this blog and watching the videos for a while now. I really like this blog, it offers a lot of good insight especially for us since we dont go to therapy and dont have a whole lot of support.
I know there must me some reason why I am multiple. But I dont have any idea what could have happened. I believe I had a decent life growing up but others in the system act as though some bad stuff has happened. I dont like to think that something did happen, but I currently experience most of the things on the list. So pretty undoubtedly, something did happen. Im not sure how to move forward…I dont even know what happened…
Thanks again,
Alice Scott
Reblogged this on fletchenkitty.
Reblogged this on Akana desu blog! and commented:
As time passes I can say that I suffer from almost everything on the list. (Thankfully not drug or sex related issues) Pretty much all the physical and emotional aspects and nothing seems to help because it’s all due to unresolved issues in my daily life. Sometimes you can’t get answers. Sometimes you can’t fix things and have to accept that. That’s really my problem though…accepting that I can’t fix the damage that has been done to me and how dumb I was to trust people that should never be trusted. I can only live with the damage and regrets and hope it doesn’t come to the grave with me.
Hi akanadesu,
Welcome to Discussing Dissociation, and thanks for the re-blog.
I can hear how much you are struggling, and I certainly understand how overwhelming it can be to experience so many troubles. Healing is this weird balance of accepting things that can’t be changed, and improving things that can be. Some things that can’t be improved now can be improved later. Don’t give up!
I hope to give you some encouragement… Things really can get better, even if it’s little tiny bits at a time.
I wish you the best in your healing journey.
Warmly,
Kathy
I have this on my mind and have for many years. My father wasn’t a good father slapping me so hard across the face when I was 8 my head swung round. What is worse to me is that a 11 year old girl when I was 5 locked me in a caravan, made me strip then inspected my genitals. My brother, though when older didn’t again, was trying to be sexually active with me when I was about 7. My father got me a very quiet and shy 12 year old to lie next to him and give me a sexual kiss. I was terrified and pretended to be asleep. I tried when 16 to tell my mother starting with the 11 year old but she just dismissed me telling me it must have been much worse for the other girl
Hello Kate, and welcome to Discussing Dissociation,
I’m so sorry to hear all those terrible events happened to you and the other children. It all sounds traumatic to me, that’s for sure. I do hope you have found some support in your healing journey… It’s not ok that any of those things happened to you.
Please keep reading. There is help and understanding available for you too.
Warmly,
Kathy
When I first read this article .I got scared that my last 6 years of therapy have done nothing for me as I still have most of these symptoms. Glad I read the comments and saw your reply to .another that having a lessening in their intensity does indicate progress! Ty!
When I first read this article I got worried that in the last 6 years of thereapy I hadn’t really made the progress I thought I had made, since I still have so many of the listed symptoms. But then I read the comments and saw your reply to another who voiced a similar concern. And your response that having a lessening of the intensity in the symptoms shows progress was a great relief! I thought I had come a long way in the last 6 years and I was starting to doubt myself, which I do often, but that reassured me. Ty !
I see this referring a lot to childhood abuse trauma Can these symptoms still apply when referring to relationship abuse trauma?
i experience every single one of those listed, daily. Im in therapy but cant remember past bad snippets that i do remember ive tried so hard to open the missing blanks because i disassociate in therapy. i know that its consuming me and ill go round it for days at a time. i know something is terribly wrong but i just dont know what to do
I am just in the early stages of a restarted therapy and the other personality disorders don’t make sense,but did does,i am making ground once again but I hate reliving the abuse and realise I have to follow this therapy through .I see 2 options life through some discomfort by therapy that leads to some peace and stability ,or be trapped in it and it will destroy me probably leading to death ,but memory gaps are the scary part, the question I put to me is how can I drive a car like I was in autopilot and loose 15 minutes yet arrive at a destination alive in one piece, or how did I function in a responsible job for so long as a very different person to who I am now but get through it some how because death of 4 family members and childhood trauma everwealm me now I have given up work. David.
I have all of those signs and have had from a young age. Ive been in therapy for years and I made it very chaotic, constantly changing my session objectives every week. Ive now come to a stage where I am abit calmer but can now understand myself more and can remember my dissasociative states realising I have alternate personalities that take over at random. I still find it hard to accept when the others wanr to tell me something and had a panic attack under hynosis so severe that I was screaming and my body shook violently for upto an hour afterwards. Id never felt such a fear like it and have spent the week having flashbacks but nothing I believe to be the true underlying trauma. Part of me wants to know but its so terrible my present self refuses to listen no matter how hard I try. I wonder if it will ever happen and I worry about how ill cope when I do. I know ill help others like me one day as theres so few that understand and people fear the condition. Im sat in a dark cloud but I hope one day the sun might shine. Thank you for the article
A while back, 19 out of 20 of these were true for me. Only 16 1/2 of them today. But something surprising happened a few minutes after I started reading this page. A bunch of white dots began flying through the blue background –like little snowflakes. Then they stopped. Then they started again. One November when I was 5 and gazing out the window to leave my body, an unexpected snowstorm started. Ever since then I’ve been triggered anytime I see suddenly see snow falling. As I’m typing this, more white dots again began falling out of the blue. They weren’t there a minute ago. First there’s a solid blue, then snowflakes falling. Just like when I was 5. I feel like I’m back there staring out the window again. This site is triggering he hell out of me. Is the snow all in my head or do the rest of you see it too? What a trip!
this is an excellent list. I am proud to say I have healed most of these, but certainly experienced them before. it takes hard work, meditation, radical self love, a good therapist, creativity, connecting with the earth, etc but happiness and healing from all thses can take place.
i know a lot of these. ive known for a while that my childhood had left a huge scar on my heart. its scarred me emotionally, mentally, and psychologically. i was bullied really bad when i was young and i mean bad, i actually think i am suffering from PTSD but havent been diagnosed by a doctor but im more than 80% that i do suffer from PTSD. a lot of people tell me that thats in the past and i should forget about it, but i dont know why they cant understand how hard it is to forget about it. i dont go or see a therapist or psychologist only because it didnt help. it felt like all my psychologist wanted was to put me on medication for my anxiety and depression and the medicine made me feel worse. i try not to think about my past or my symptoms but its really hard to. the only thing is is that how come people think its easy to forget something so traumatic or dont understand exactly what happened or why they say that its in the past that it shouldnt bother you.
Reblogged this on Thoughts From J8.
Reblogged this on Loren Grace and commented:
This is an excellent article.
Thanks so much, everyone, for your interest in this post, for all the re-blogs, and for the wonderful comments. I am so very pleased this article has been helpful for so many of you out there around the world.
I encourage you to keep reading other areas of the Discussing Dissociation blog — there is a great amount of information presented here, in articles and comments, by people who truly understand trauma and dissociation.
Thanks again for stopping by, and in wish you the best in your healing journey.
Warmly,
Kathy
HMMM …..Eye-opening, Yes. I think IF not DID the one thing is clear about me. I tend to overreact when I other ppl are cool, calm and collected. In other words, I have never taken a Benzo. for anxiety. But I see a friend with social anxiety D/O do perfectly fine on her medication. Yet, I don’t want to do that. But oh yea I think about it. I do have the ability to see a Psychiatrist, having worked in the Mental Health field for years, and an abusive ex-husband walked out on us. I knew the horrid Dr.’s that would sling 5-6 pills and then there were Horrible (take the licence away) to the Cream of the Crop, say 1 or 2. In prior City I knew em’ all. New City no clue. Like I shared with a person heavily into this blog/thread, in all my 7 years working with adult Psych. issues was only one DID “lady” who was pushed into a fire when very young by her older brother. She changed into to a 3 yr old boy. Before my very eyes in a psych. hospital. That was bout a year after I read, “When Rabbit Howls” You awesome DID’s I so love you all. It was scary then I broke out later in tears, and spent an hour with my Supervisor about this. How was I too know my reaction to what I saw take place.
Disclaimer: If you are DID DO NOT READ THE BOOK I mentioned, PLEASE. Here’s what I think, I was semi-traumatized, cried alot due to the wickedness, evil, at the hands of her parents. But I was too eager to know the outcome between her and Therapist Psychologist and the resolution, God IS the answer,it appears he also created Dr.’s that can help. If you can find the right/good one.
Thank and Happy New Year
Hi. I have problems with unwanted thoughts pushing in. They often come along with very uncomfortable, skin crawling, cringe worthy feelings of a physical nature. I have to cope with these by wearing only certain clothes that fit a certain way. Sometimes I don’t get off the couch because I don’t want to feel my body moving. I have a deep unrelenting self hate. Does anyone out there feel like this? I feel very alone.
hi,I have a doubt… if person is having all these symptoms but never met any therapist so far…. what they have to do initially….
They should probably go through insurance to find a qualified therapist, and go from there. Best wishes!
I agree, Andrea —
In this situation, finding a qualified therapist would be really important. This often takes a bit of work…. but do keep looking because for anyone suffering from a lot of the issues listed on this page, there’s a lot of healing work that needs some attention.
I wanna add a couple other thoughts. Insurance isn’t the only route to check. IF you have the resources / options to look for a specialized trauma / DID therapist, do other creative searches too. I know quite a few talented DID therapists who do not take insurance, but are very qualified. Insurance can cause a lot of difficulties in the therapeutic relationship, so if you have the option to not go that route, that will give you the best privacy and more control of your healing journey.
Thanks for your comment, Andrea! Much appreciated.
Warmly,
Kathy
I read your article, and yes, I do have quite a few symptoms on your list. Unfortunately, I am unable to afford therapy of any kind due to financial reasons so I just kinda “muddle” through and try to work things out on my own as I really do not have anyone else but myself.
Reblogged this on Psychotherapy with Linda.
I am 46 and suffered 18 of these for many decades. Alice Miller’s books helped me become aware that I even was abused and that there were adult consequences. Went to talk therapy – 3 different ones – which to be honest was torture cause the stuff would come up but I’d leave feeling like I was barely hanging on to being sucked into a permanent black hole. Then I read Peter Levine’s book, Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma. I was unable to fly without feeling that I was going to die and we were going on a european vacation. With just 2 exercises in his book I was able to shake away some of the trapped trauma – we’re meant to cry and shake so that danger passes through us and doesn’t get stuck in our bodies as debilitating trauma, deer and other creatures do it, too – from a long forgotten traumatic bus ride in Iowa when I was a kid and a crazy bus driver decided to gun it and plow through a huge snow drift instead of turning around. The cabin of airplanes and the thrusting of the engines on takeoff were similar enough to keep triggering me. His book about Somatic Experiencing (SE), restoring your body to it’s natural state and releasing the trauma, has been an absolute miracle for getting my real innate self back. Your body stores unresolved traumas. I was raised with extreme abuse and neglect. I have worked with a terrific local SE therapist weekly for about 3 years and can barely imagine how I was before. Now instead of 100% of the time, I hear negative voices maybe 10-20% fluctuating sometimes there are none at all. That constant negative chorus is exhausting. The lack of self worth and PTSD that paralyzed me from my work, friends – I had none, being an open and truly loving and non-abusive parent, was terrible. Everything was such a struggle because I was so worthless and ugly and and fat and stupid and disgusting etc. But those voices are wrong! Turns out those were the f’d up lessons and messages of my abusive mother and father. I don’t know if just talk therapy alone works since we have physical bodies that store trauma. It didn’t work for me after more than 5 yrs. It is so, so hard. It sucks and is totally not fair to have been treated that way! And it is so, so worth it to be able to feel the warm light of goodness and well-being after such devastating and all encompassing darkness. xoxo
” Denial means that the person simply is refusing to acknowledge or accept the fact that they were traumatized. They are pretending they were not hurt, when they were actually hurt very badly.” -this really oversimplifies denial and makes it appear to be a choice. Perhaps you will write something specific about denial?
Hello eagoodlife,
Well, yes, I agree with what you are saying. That’s the difficulty with “short” posts — they can never ever reach the depths of the topics being discussed. For that matter, I don’t think any topic can ever be covered completely in any single blog post, let alone in a List post. But it’s a start… so that’s the important bit. 🙂
I did a quick search for “denial” here at this blog, and several other articles related to denial came up on the list. Possibly some of them go more into depth for what you are looking for.
https://discussingdissociation.com/?s=denial&submit=Search
Here’s an article more specifically about denial —
Denial — Does it hurt? Or does it Help?
Hope that helps.
Thanks for your thoughts and your comment!
Warmly,
Kathy
Reblogged this on The Life Of Von.
Obesity isn’t an eating disorder. It’s an energy partition disorder. A person only overeats sometimes relative to obesity and it’s when they’re actually gaining the weight. The common belief is that the overeating drives the weight gain. Actual scientific research shows that’s probably not true–the weight gain is rather driving the overeating.
(Read Good Calories, Bad Calories by Gary Taubes. Yes, it’s a lot of reading, but most people who spend this much time on the Internet could do with more reading that isn’t blogs.)
HOWEVER, for most of an obese person’s life they are at weight equilibrium. There will be periods of weight gain (obvs. or we wouldn’t be fat), and sometimes there are periods of weight loss, but mostly there is weight stability. And this is something most people either don’t seem to know or don’t want to discuss.
You know…. some of our parts would have read this years ago and replied that they experienced none of these things – not ever…….
Hi! Am I allowed to reblog this?
It is a wonderful and important post, so thank you for sharing.
Hi Nina,
Yes, of course, please do reblog — that’s fantastic. All I ask is to keep my name and copyright info available on the page on your site as well, but that’s wonderful news. Thank you! I hope your readers also find that article to be helpful and informative.
And invite them all to read here any time they want to as well. 🙂
Thanks so much — I appreciate hearing from you, and I wish you the best in your healing journey….
Warmly,
Kathy
I know this is old but it’s helped me see I’m not crazy (I lose months of my life to dissociation). I thought my ex was right (he said I was mentally ill- funny thing, though, I had adhd before him and that was it)
I’ve been married for 6 years and thought that helped me get over the abuse I dealt with (basically- pretty sure I was date raped in college but never reported because I can’t remember and have no clue what happened and didn’t want to risk getting an innocent man in trouble since I literally have 0 memory of that night), I got into a 2 year relationship after dropping out of college (he hit, punched, strangled, pulled knives and swords on me, legally kidnapped me, stalked me and threatened me every time I tried to leave)
I escaped him and ended up violently raped a few months later. I started sexually acting out- going to bars, random hook ups etc until I met my husband. After we met, I quit drinking and started to straighten my life out.
Now I have 2 kids, work and am happily married but something triggered me recently that made me sit back and think. I finally figured the right phrase to type in and found out about dissociation and it all made sense. Since then, I’ve been trying to figure out if I should start talking to a therapist. I always get side tracked (was in grief therapy and it turned to discussing my OCD, tried trauma therapy and it turned into talking about the eating disorder I later found out was my ocd etc)
Seeing this list, I see a lot of myself. I don’t harm myself nor am I suicidal- I have way too much to live for but a lot of the others hit home)
Thanks for posting this.
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I was finding this piece quite informative until I ran across something here that just broke my heart to pieces. That photo of the Michael Jackson mural being written over is so wrong on so many levels. Just because he was accused doesn’t mean he was guilty. This in itself is another kind of abuse, which is the abuse of cultural and media bullying/scapegoating. I have been researching the allegations made against him for many years, and have arrived at the conclusion that he was himself a victim of a highly systemized extortion attempt which continues to this day. Really, with all of the celebrity pedophiles that have been convicted of their crimes, why not focus on them instead of simply targeting someone who was acquitted and for whom nothing was ever proven?
This is the one if the first pieces we read after our last counsellor quit after yelling at us and it was both discouraging and helpful – discouraging cause saw we were really trying and we have DiD. All these years and not one really knew mpd just how to do damage. But it was good to see that deep inside the struggle we have is normal – we struggle with denial and the rest depending on the part involved. It is still hard as no one seems to get it, but articles like this makes us know somewhere someone does. Find that the social workers have tried to rush us because they can not deal with it but by telling us what we think or feelhas been cutting everything off and putting us in shut down
Hi Lynn,
Healing takes as long as it takes, and it’s not a straight forward path when you’re multiple. Because there are lots of insiders involved, and addressing an issue with one insider might stir up concerns, troubles, or memories with another. So you know.. it can be a very complicated path to healing !
Unfortunately, many people don’t understand the depths of extreme, long-term trauma… but yes, there are some people out here that do! I can promise you than many of the readers here have been through many of the same struggles, so you are in the right place this time. You are not alone now, not at all.
Please keep posting, as it’s always good to hear from you!
Sending kind thoughts your way.
Warmly,
Kathy
I dont know if it’s true, but I think I might have been abused … but i might be wrong. So a lot of people hear songs and can get emotional and cry. But yesterday, I heard one song about abuse and I couldnt stop crying, and in my heart, I felt like … I actually lived it, it’s hard to explain but i felt it in my heart, it hurt me deep. I tried searching for answers. I have a lot of the things you listed … i’ve always felt like something was wrong with me … Is it possible I was abused and I don’t remember ? Or am i just delusional ?
Hi Lauren,
Many trauma survivors block out the awareness of their abuse experiences, so this isn’t particularly unusual. It’s certainly worth exploring, especially since you already feel so intensely emotionally connected to the experience, and since you recognize many of the issues listed here in this article.
I would not say that you are delusional based on the little bit you’ve said in this paragraph. It sounds like you may benefit from exploring the possibility of trauma, as addressing the issues directly can lead to a lot of healing in your life. Keep reading here, and maybe look for a support group or trauma therapist who can help you explore some of the things you are experiencing. The connections to trauma might be more easily seen than you realize, especially if you talk with someone who knows what they are doing.
Thanks for your comment, and I wish you the best in your healing journey.
Warmly,
Kathy
Me thinks me has more work to do. Me also thinks Me did a lot of work already. Me wishes Me could pick & choose how Me heals. Me eats too much – because Me didn’t ever eat before in the past. Eat feels good & feels like love. Why would Me want to give up such comfort – except that Me has no more clothes to wear & Me is overweight alot now. More work. Ok. Me do it. Not sure how – just not to give up. Right Kaffy? Don’t give up even if Me is big now. Me works.
You made a number of fine points there. I did a search on the topic and found mainly people will have the same opinion with your blog.
When I first came across the list on this blog, I read through it and in a rather dissociative way vaguely acknowleged how many fit me. Afterwards, I thought, “wait a minute these are not feature of my life I want to keep experiencing. So they provided good focuses for therapy. I do encourage people to not wait decades to deal with such issues, like I did. Am in my 60s and was only diagnosed as having experienced complex trauma a few years ago and having dissociative identities after that. Now my life makes so much more sense, as I have moved about 85 times in my adult life. Would do so every time there was a strong trigger, especially with interpersonal conflict. Now I feel freer as have had therapy to recognise my parts/alters, develop co-consciousness, dialogue and respect different parts and their contribution to the whole. However, I live in Australia and have encountered many therapists lacking knowledge of the effects of trauma and have been traumatised by therapists. Believe it is important to educate ourselves about trauma, DI and create safety and stability so that an inner strength can promote healing.
I like this web blopg very much so much fantaswtic information.
Its strange that I checked off a full 14 of these but I can’t identify anything particularly happening in my life that was traumatic, to my recollection.
I am in the same boat, kind of. I’m still here despite working through all current memories. I guest it’s just wait for reveal.
17 of 20 Well. Hmmm. I have to sit with that for a while.
Kathy, in one of your responses you mentioned connecting with the inner people. Non-direct methods. What are some ways? Is there an article on that?
This is all so difficult.
All I feel today is a profound sense of sorrow that goes right down to my bones.
Thank you for this blog…
Hey Wren,
Sounds like you are in the right place… :). You’ll fit in well here. I’m sorry it hurts so much… and yes, there is most definitely a very deep sorrow as you begin to realize how much trauma there has been for you and your system. There’s no wonder you needed to split, but yeah… really painful stuff.
Look around at the category of articles for Internal Communication (found under the DID System Work tab on the Home page) – dozens of articles in that category will give various tips on how to approach your system. You’ll find all kinds of ideas for writing exercises, artwork, scrapbooking, collage, internal dialogue, etc.
Glad you’re here, Wren…. keep up the good work.
Warmly,
Kathy
I have a great question. I have been in treatment forever. When do these issues resolve? When will I stop responding with internal terror every time I hear an angry voice? When will my insides stop shaking because someone is yelling, or because I perceive danger when there is none? It’s been three decades of therapy and crap, and I’m just as isolated inside my own head as I always was, feeling like I need to run away.
I’m sorry, I know this is a negative comment, but I’m really and truly sick of it.
First of all Shirley, I want to say to you that this is not a “negative comment” at all or one that you need to apologize for. This is your reality and I hear and understand that it really hurts and frustrates you. My sense in reading the postings on this website is that we can all talk about whatever issues we want to without having to apologize/explain/feel guilty for what we say or feel or are experiencing, etc. Some times I feel like climbing to the top of our house (even though I hate heights) and shouting to the world how angry, hurt and frustrated I am. Well, this is our rooftop here Shirley. You can shout out your truth all that you want as far as I am concerned. I am listening.
And … wow … you have asked the million dollar question Shirley! I sure would like to know the answer to that one too! I am 62 years old and would like to think that I will find peace some time in my lifetime. Hum … but that is not helpful for you here.
I do not know what the answer is and certainly we are all dealing with our unique situations so it is not a one size fits all. I can only offer what is helping me a bit with my insiders.
Certainly therapy is the foundation for any healing in my mind. I have found that, the more my insiders tell their stories to my T and I start to hear, the less triggered I have become. Not huge quantum leaps but little movements forward. And when I do get triggered, I accept it with open arms. That may sound strange but this is something that my meditation teacher is working with me on. The more you push away, the more energy you give to that which you are pushing. Sounds crazy I am sure but I find that when I accept what is coming to me from my insiders, I gain more cooperation, understanding and healing. Now, I have to be honest, I have not tried this with my more troublesome and destructive insiders so caution is advised. And certainly you need to do this is a safe environment.
I have also been encouraged by my T to use my inside helpers more effectively. So, for example, I have one alter who is a 12 boy and he is very willing to watch over the little girls and to help them when they get scared. This has always been his role but I have talked with him and he really has taken this on in a more focussed and cooperative way. I have a safe place where the little ones can go. It is filled with pillows, blankets and stuffed animals. My boy alter will take the little girls there and will guard the door. He has also given one of the little girls a magic whistle so if he is not around and she feels scared and needs his help, she just uses the whistle and he is there.
I have also been encouraged by many of Kathy’s postings to try and bring some joy and loving care to my insiders. So, I mediate and I hold my little ones, mother them, cuddle them, kiss them, keep them warm and safe and tell them how much I love them. Yes self nurturing but to me it feels like I am actually engaging separate little ones who happen to share my body. I am also trying to do fun things for them and with them like watching movies, crafts, shopping (one insider loves to shop … argh), fun foods, being silly, making faces in the mirror, whatever they want to do. I will tell you that some times this is really hard to do for me (the host) and some times my more fragile little ones do not want to participate but I feel that if I start to focus on some fun then maybe we all can learn to have some fun and not just feel pain all of the time. Again, I have only done this with my little ones.
Well, I hope that maybe something here will be of help Shirley. I would really love to hear what other folks do to try and cope with the darkness of their DID and to bring some healing to their insiders
I find the picture at the very top of this article frightening. I wish there were a different picture because it shows up on the front page and every time I come to DD I have to scroll past it really quickly and try not to look at it.
It reminds me of all the people who played oh poor me you have to fix things for me and take care of me and I don’t care what it costs you because oh I am so sad and so you have to bleed out your last drop of blood to make my life better. It doesn’t matter that you get all used up so long as however I use you makes me feel better.
I should have some compassion for the person in that picture but all I see is drama and manipulation. I see impending pain because whatever they are going to manipulate their way to doing or getting is going to hurt and it’s not going to be pretty. I should feel compassion and all I feel is fear.
Hi Wren,
WOW … the photo is really a big trigger for you. To be honest, I have never liked that photo either but do not know why. It just … just … puts a knot in the pit of my stomach. But Wren, you have a very serious reaction here. I am so sorry that it upsets you so much. It may be something that you take to your T as a start point for a discussion about the people in your life that this photo (triggers) reminds you of.
Maybe a good start on us all talking about how we handle triggers.
ME+WE
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Have read this article a couple of times during the past 4 months of counseling, which began with my husband’s rejection of me. To my surprise a can of worms was unleashed that has me “remembering” some abuse I thought was laid to rest (without help). I recognize many of the symptoms in myself. I dissociate even though that is not what I would have called it. I have multiple tablets and journals that are used for separate things (marriage counselling, personal, creativity, etc.) and I do not mix the information. I panic if one of those journals or tablets are misplaced because they are each a part of me. A question I have is …how are eating disorders related to trauma? I see a lot of bulimia and abuse but not anorexia and abuse.
Hi Diana,
I can only speak from personal experience as someone who has dealt both with abuse and anorexia. For me, the eating disorder was both a form of self – punishment and a way of maintaining control. I would severely limit what I could eat and force myself to exercise. It was a form of self abuse that started gradually but kept increasing in intensity as a form of self punishment or self harm. It was also a way of screaming for help from those around me, but those cries went largely unheard.
As I have worked with my parts, I have noticed a protector/controller part, who encourages anorexia as a form of self punishment and way of maintaining control. As healing has progressed, I have better emotional coping skills now, so that part is not activated as often or as easily and when I hear from that part, I can make better choices and respond with self compassion.
Hope this was helpful!
~neo
Insomniac,
Thank you for linking to my blog article, and thank you for sharing with so much passion about how you used this blog article with your therapist in your therapy session. That means a lot to me as a person. It’s pretty amazing to think that my work is being used for help and healing in therapy offices around the world – wow. !!
I hope that this blog continues to be helpful for you. The fact that you are using my writings to help challenge your own thinking, to explore your feelings, and to help address the issues in your own healing is an incredible compliment to me.
Thank you.
I truly wish you the best in your healing journey…
Warmly,
Kathy
Oh a Best Tweet Award! 😀
THANKS!!!
😀
Thanks everyone, for all the re-blogs of this article. I’m thrilled so many folks are reading it.
Your interest and support are greatly appreciated.
Warmly,
Kathy