Body Memories — ouch!
In the television show “One Life To Live” — Bess tried to rescue Jessica one more time by taking baby Chloe and going on the run. Their secret had gotten out — baby Chloe belonged to someone else and the dear little one was not Jessica’s baby at all.
Tess was angry with Bess for trying this last stunt. Every time Bess looked in the mirror, she would see Tess’s angry face making comments to her. Tess had plenty to say — she was not at all impressed with Bess.
Meanwhile, Jessica was tucked way down inside. She had no awareness that she had driven hundreds of miles away from her home. She didn’t know she was in trouble or that she was about to lose her baby. She wasn’t aware of much of anything.
Despite Tess’s protests, Bess was determined to do what she defined as protection of Jessica. It was Bess’s mastermind plan to switch the babies so that Jessica would never know that her own baby had died at birth. She was determined to never let Jessica feel the pain of having lost her baby. She really believed she was helping by hiding out of town.
But they were found. Their safe person, Broady, found them. (That’s quite an appropriate name for the safe person, don’t you think?!!!) 🙂
With the secret out, Bess had no other option but to let Jessica remember the truth of what had happened. Bess did not know if Jessica was strong enough to handle the emotional pain, but there was no more blocking out the reality or dissociating away the truth. Jessica was going to remember.
And Jessica did remember.
Painfully, reliving minute by minute, even having body memories of giving birth to her child, Jessica remembered detail after detail of the incident that had previously been totally dissociated from her awareness. For months, Bess had completely held those memories from Jessica, but the dissociative walls between the two of them were no longer necessary. Bess was letting Jess remember.
Jessica remembered going into labor, birthing the child, and seeing that her child had been stillborn. She recalled the plan of switching her baby for another newly born baby, and she knew that she had to return baby Chloe to her rightful mother.
Jessica was addressing her pain. She was remembering in an emotional and physical way. She felt the labor pains, and recalled the birth of her baby as if it was happening all over again. She felt the emotional agony of losing her child. She remembered all that had been dissociated from her awareness.
And she was strong enough to handle the pain. And by doing so, she will be able to heal.
The writers of “One Life to Live” provided a fairly accurate portrayal of this process, for sexual abuse survivors with Dissociative Identity Disorder even if it was fast-forwarded in typical soap opera fashion. But for a television show, they did pretty good.
In real life, body memories are a common occurrence for trauma survivors.
For most survivors, the body memories are much more involved, and occur as a much longer process. They will happen more frequently, and not come in such a neat package.
But the point is, the body will remember the trauma, and the body will feel the same physical sensations all over again as it “tells the story” of what happened.
Body memories are the body’s way of remembering, storing, and telling the trauma.
The survivor’s mind may have blocked out the pain and created dissociative walls around the traumatic experience, but the physical body itself can remember the trauma through cellular memory.
Sometimes survivors experience the body memories separately from intellectual understanding or emotional remembrance of what happened during the trauma. Dissociative survivors will feel intense body pain and have no idea why they are hurting.
When the body remembers the traumatic incident at a different time from when the mind remembers the incident, it can feel very crazy making.
The therapeutic goal is to put the various pieces together so that the survivor can work through, process, and heal from the memory as a whole.
The body feels the trauma in much the same as in the original incident and the various physical attitudes occur as if the trauma was happening all over again. The physical pain, shaking, trembling, jerking, physical reactions, intensity, and various body responses happen in a similar fashion as in the original trauma.
For most sexual abuse survivors, body memories will also involve feelings of pleasure or physical response. This creates a particularly difficult emotional dilemma for the survivors, as it is difficult to reconcile the pleasure responses that occurred during the middle of an abusive event. But the body, being a biological entity, cannot distinguish safe touch from abuse, and if stimulated correctly, it will naturally respond. Survivors often feel a great deal of shame about this reality, and will need to discuss this situation in their therapy.
Body memories are an important piece of the healing work.
The body can say a lot about the incidents of abuse, and it really is impossible to re-create a body memory when there was no memory in the first place.
Because of that, body memories are often helpful in breaking through the denial layers of dissociation. The body may remember moments of the abuse that were too emotionally difficult for the survivors to manage, but by truly listening to their bodies, survivors can learn a great deal about their histories.
What is your body saying to you?
What does your body remember that your mind refuses to think about?
What does your body remember that you don’t want to hear?
What will it take for you to listen to your body?
Your body was there for the abuse too.
Maybe it knows more than you think it does.
I wish you AND your body the best in your healing journey.
Warmly,
Kathy
Copyright © 2008 – 2020 Kathy Broady and Discussing Dissociation
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*** Trigger Warning ***
This comment says it in very real terms.
Blatant. Clear. Painfully honest.
You can probably relate, but it’s intense.
RE: what body memories feel like.
Read on, only if you are safe to do so.
***
It feel like stabbing
It feel like blood dripping
It feel like a nife in side me
It feel like getting ripped apart
It feel like my mouth be raw
It feel like my jaw be sore
It feel like my throat cant brethe
It feel like getting punched in the stomik
It feel like a hot poker
It feel like i cant stand up
It feel like throwing up
It feel like it all be too big to hold in so it all have to come out from my skin like nives.
It feel like I can’t take anymore
It feels like knowing i be very very alone and nobody ever gona help
It feel like being stuck down in a black pit
It feel like no light
It feel like it never gona end
It feel like being abandond
It feel like screaming for help and no one hear me
It feel hopeless
It feel like i going to be here alone forever
It feel like no one notises
It feel like no one cares
It feel like god have turned his back
It feel like this acke in my heart will never ever stop
It feel like knowing i be nobody
It feel like being the scum of the earth
It feel dirty muddy black
That what these body memorys feel like
Ibeen sitting with them for months and months and it never get better it never stop just builds up more and more
Like a tornado that gets bigger and bigger but it be stuck over top my head
That be so weird cuz that be exactly how it feel like for us too.
“For most sexual abuse survivors, body memories will also involve feelings of pleasure or physical response. This creates a particularly difficult emotional dilemma for the survivors, as it is difficult to reconcile the pleasure responses that occurred during the middle of an abusive event. But the body, being a biological entity, cannot distinguish safe touch from abuse, and if stimulated correctly, it will naturally respond. Survivors often feel a great deal of shame about this reality, and will need to discuss this situation in their therapy.”
We are beginning to face this awful truth.
It is brutal. Tell me how its possible to feel physical pain, nausea and arousal at the same time, because I don’t get it! And I’m not sure I want to either. %#%$^!!!!
That’s all I’m gonna say for now.
MissyMing,
So much is hard to describe to someone who has not experienced it. You can’t take a picture of the way you feel inside so you just do the best you can and hope they get it somehow. I’m glad your T wasn’t laughing AT you.
fran
7/17/20
Yeah, fran (RainSinger)….we keep hoping that others will “hear” us and in some measure “understand”…..T tells us she is not dissociative so she has not “experienced” what we are describing…but she does as best as she can to “hear” and “respect” our perspectives….THAT means more than ANYTHING to us – her trying…We sometimes get scared that we are too “weird” and she will give up on us – but she keeps telling us she is there for us…so we jump in and describe a bit more of Inside “pictures”…of body “sensations”….step by step….
When others (especially at work) see us struggling over something they think is “stupid”, Rage wants to tell them, “You can judge and condemn us AFTER you have walked a week in our shoes – NOT until!”….but of course we have to clamp our lips shut and hope Rage does NOT say that….
A picture album of how we “feel” Inside? Sounds VERY interesting…like collage territory…It depends on what all directions we have bounced into…..but I haven’t seen any magazine pictures that would truly show the depth of the feeling without looking too negative…I don’t think a camera like that has been invented yet – except maybe in Sci-Fi….
Most Outsiders we have seen only judge according to the “surface” behaviors they see – and they have pretty much “categorized” all those into what is “OK” and what isn’t – (fighting tears, “blank braining”, pacing to prevent locking up, or holding breath/hyperventilating are definitely NOT)…..They have no clue to the intensity and depth of the turmoil behind those behaviors…that they are a result of a continual onslaught of “triggers” throughout the day (or week) without having any “safe” time or space to work through it all…or a “safe” person there to turn to for help…That Inside “pressure” has built and I am bouncing – and parts are getting overwhelmed into collapse…They don’t understand that having a “safe” person nearby – or a “safe” space without “judgement”- would do WORLDS in helping me pull out of it…But they keep forgetting all my “explanations” and their body language just makes things harder on me….And I really don’t think they would be too interested in seeing my “picture album”…..
It is a rare and precious gift to find someone who is willing to try to “hear” and “understand” where you are coming from….that even remembering THAT “someone” helps you to wade through all the horrors of the others……
MissyMing
07/19/20
Sometimes I have an electric shock feeling in feet and ****** It lasts for 10 or 20 seconds and then goes away. It is not exactly painful, just very uncomfortable. It has been happening once in a while for forty years. We always thought it was a strange neurological thing. Could it be something else?? Should I keep looking for a neurological answer?
Oh my, RainSinger…wish we knew what to tell you….Hopefully someone who has that particular sensation can help you out…..We have “waves” that flow throughout our body…. sometimes ebb and flow like on a seashore….sometimes it is all swirling….sometimes it is only in our gut area….sometimes it pulses through our whole body….We have been having a lot of work struggle and it seems to have affected the “waves”……The other day we told T it felt thick and dense like thickened jello…..She laughed (not AT me) and said I had the most unusual way of describing things….Hope we BOTH can get some answers!…….
MissyMing
07/17/20
It have been real bad for a few days. Even our body be all sore. We found 1 thing that help us get to sleep a bit! Becuse we been awake late with the yucky body memeries. We been lisening to old baseball games on youtube. It remind missy of when mom and daddy use to sit on the back porch and lisen to baseball and it made her feel safer to no them out there on the porch. So it seem like it help relax missy at night. Also we been trying hard to have no feelings and pretend we be far away inside. So we be really switchy. But it be better than all day body memeries. It mostly be at night when we feel it.
This be a tuff thing we got going on right now.
we got a few kids that be having lots of bad pictures in their heads and our body be remembering lots of things. It hurts our body a lot.
we trying to remember that it be from a LONG time ago. and that the bad thing don’t be hapening right now.
And we did some fun stuff today to try to distract us.
So that be helping some.
It hurts a lot thowe. But we trying hard to help the ones that be having such a hard time.
Hi MissyMing
I found that moving my eyes back and forth was calming when I was in a flashback. That’s not the usual way to do it. But once I knew it calmed me down, I used it while talking about something scary. It can be distracting when you need to focus on the “spot” where the memory is. My T thinks I should keep moving my eyes, and he’s probably right because I can get frozen to the “spot” and not be able to talk or move at all.
The therapist should be able to read your body language and take a break any time you get real stressed. My current T is good at doing that, so we go very slowly, just one little bit, then another, then another. Sometimes it takes more than one session to get from beginning to end.
I read in a book that you can do the beginning and end parts first, so you know where you’re going, but I didn’t remember the end until I got there. Might work if you did 🙂
When you run into walls and chaos, that’s a good time to take a break and de-stress before you try again. I have to do that every couple minutes. It’s hard work, but you don’t have to talk the whole time, just remember and watch/listen to what is going on.
Ideally each part that was involved should do EMDR and then you can put all the pieces of that memory together. I haven’t got that far yet, don’t think I have all the parts. I’m working on finding more parts.
Stay safe!
MK
Thanks for the input MK! Sometimes my eyes DO wander around when I have “shifted”….sometimes they want to stay in a spot “unblinking”…..maybe it depends on the part that bubbled up….I don’t know…….Not sure what you mean about doing the “beginning and the end parts first”….????…..Usually the chaos hits too much and we have to just back off after only a bit….Maybe I need to be more aware of individual parts for it to work…..We don’t have much “memory” to work with….our stuff is mainly flashes and waves of “feeling” that we don’t know the story behind….We just keep doing what we can as best as we can…. 🙂
MissyMing
05/29/20
For most of my life, all I had were nightmares and body memories. I couldn’t “remember” anything at all. The body memories were awful, and I never could make it to the “end”, it just seemed to go on and on. Sometimes I’d be stuck in one all night, or maybe all night and day. And it HURT!!!
I couldn’t tell anyone about them.
When I tried to tell a doctor, he thought I was a hypochondriac, another thought I was an addict trying to get pain meds. I suffered with this for almost 40 years before I came totally unglued and learned I was a multiple with a long history of “abuse”.
It wasn’t until I discovered EMDR ,and found that eye movements helped free me from the pain, that I got any relief. It’s taken me another 30 years to get where I can talk about what happened, and that’s still iffy, but I have fewer body memories now.
I think I’m starting to meet parts who may have caused them, and I finally remembered how that horror ended. Now, hopefully my old body will have more peaceful nights 🙂
We are glad EMDR is working for you….we try it once in a great while but think we must still be “fighting” it – or something…..Maybe it was because a previous counselor years ago tried it on us when neither of us knew what we were dealing with and it didn’t turn out too well…..we can see why it would work because when we “shift” during a session we find our eyes keep going to one particular “spot”….it feels more “connected” to that spot….so THAT must be where that “stuff” is in our “brain”…..but we end up feeling a lot of “walls” or “chaos”…..we still can’t go very far with it….yet……unless we are “understanding” this stuff all wrong…???…..
MissyMing
05/26/20
** trigger warning **
I’m having lots of body memories tonight from the torture that was done to me by the c*lt pr*ests to make me give up and obey them. It hurts so bad!! It feels like my body is on fire and like my head is going to explode. I want the pain to stop!! How do I make the pain stop??
From Bonnie Glo, age 12.
We hope things are better for you now, Bonnie Glo (MyCircleOfLife)….we hope you are doing better….We are glad you reached out here….we hear you….we wish we knew how to make the pain stop for you – but know that we hear you…..sometimes the feeling of NOT being “heard” is also way scary in its own self….we can help you with THAT part….know that we “hear” you……We don’t have body memories like that – we are still trying to figure out ours…..My sister has “nightmares” like that….they really scare her……we still don’t know what is going on…..hang in there, Bonnie Glo….it will “go back down”…….
MissyMing
04/26/20
Thank you MissyMing. I am ok today. I really DON’T like having body memories! The therapist lady told the big ones to have me draw a picture of the pain, even if it is just scribbling with whatever color represents the pain to me, then put the picture and the pain in my container and lock it up until we see her again this week. And if I start having pain again to draw more and lock the new drawing in my container. I did scribble all over both sides of a paper with red cuz that’s the color that the pain feels like to me. Since I drew on a real paper and not just in my mind, Helper let me lock it up in my file folder in the metal file box. I drew more last night cuz it was hurting again and had those papers locked in my file folder too. It kind of helped some to get the pain memories outside of my body. When we talk to the therapist lady this week I can show her the pictures. I really wish we got to see her in person and not just on the computer. The computer program she uses doesn’t work very good. The camera part is way way off from the speaker part. We hear her say something then a few minutes later we see her mouth moving. Or we hear her talking and see her taking a drink of coffee from her mug at the same time. It’s really hard to do therapy that way.
From Bonnie Glo
04/26/2020
Oh, Bonnie Glo….that would mess us up BAD too….even if my “head” knew what was happening…it would still throw us big time….That was a really good idea your T had and so glad your “big ones” helped to put the pictures in a safe place…. hope you get to have a really good session with your T…..
We did something like that one time…we were about 12 (a long time ago body-wise) and felt really, really dirty BAD….we got a paper and drew a bunch of pictures on it that made no sense to our “brain”…but we had to get it “outside” of us…..we looked at it and kept saying, “That is BAD, BAD…..” Then we tore the paper up into as tiny pieces as we could get and threw it away…..we felt a little “better”…. but the fact that we still have flashes of those pictures must mean something….
Weird – because there was never anything like that on “I Love Lucy” or “Gunsmoke” – the only TV shows that were on in those days….We have no idea where we got such BAD “ideas” like that…or why it “felt” so “real”…….
Glad you have a T who can “hear” you…and can understand……
MissyMing
04/28/20
Hi MissyMing
It sounds like someone inside you was trying to get out some memories when you drew the pictures. If you still have pictures and thoughts about bad things that happened, those things probably did happen but another part or maybe more than one other part
of you holds the memories. Our big protector, Helper, said maybe you can get to know your inside people better by getting a notebook or just some paper and writing a note that you would like to hear from whoever wants to write back to you. She said that’s how our main outside big lady started to get to know different ones of us that first opened up to her and to the therapist. It helped her to start believing that they, and all of us, are really here because we had to take her place a lot to protect her from the awful bad stuff that happened so she could go on growing and going to school and stuff like that so when she got big she had the ability to get us away from the abusers and keep us independent so we are safe now. Helper said if or when your inside people write back to you that you can take the writings to your therapist and she can help you and them better.
I am feeling better since last time I wrote. The therapist helped me figure out how to handle the body memories better. She said that when body memories happen, to purposely focus on breathing slowly and deeply and to keep telling myself that it’s just a memory and and I am ok and safe now. She said to walk around our house and name everything I see to keep myself in here and now, or if the weather is nice and it’s day time to go outside and walk around and name everything I see outside. She called it “grounding”. It is helping me get out of the body memories faster now.
From Bonnie Glo
Hi Bonnie Glo! ….We do the naming stuff sometimes in T’s office when we get “stuck” in overwhelm…T has us find colors….our eyes can move – but hardly any of the rest of us….After a session we have about 2 hours to wait before work…we usually eat something to help us “ground” so we can get our brain in gear for work….sometimes the eating helps…sometimes it makes our stomach hurt and then work is even harder….
We have a hard time writing to “ourself” in a journal…we used to use pieces of paper but kept losing them and then panicked that someone would find them and read them….we couldn’t keep up with a notebook either….finally MissyMing just computer writes stuff to T or to here….that’s how we get stuff out….we panic sometimes about this – but it is not as bad as losing our pieces of paper – they were all disorganized anyway….so this is better….but YES! Writing is much better for us….talking sessions with T go WAY TOO FAST for us…we hardly get anything out….Plus, T can read them or not read them – however her schedule is…but we hope she reads them….PLUS – if we wrote them ONLY to ourself, then we think we still made everything up….
We are glad you are feeling better now…yup! naming stuff helps….
(MissyMing)
05/04/20
MissyMing,
I wanted to add a quick comment for you.
It’s good that you can look around the room with your eyes when you’re getting grounded.
I want to encourage you to also try to move your body around during that grounding time as well. Sometimes “unlocking” the body from that exact position will help a lot in terms of feeling more grounded. Start with small movements — wiggling fingers or toes, or rolling your shoulders, leaning to one side or the other. The quick the body gets out of that “frozen” place, the quicker you’ll get grounded back to the here-and-now.
Keep up the good work!
Kathy
Oh yeah! We forgot to say that! T DOES get us to try to move our fingers and toes…it was hard at first – but we eventually get there….it was worse in the beginning – but getting better now….T hears us and doesn’t get mad at us when we get stuck…sometimes our body got stuck in weird moves – but we couldn’t feel it…it didn’t hurt us – although “brain” couldn’t figure out why it didn’t….we always started with the eyes though…it doesn’t hit as bad Outside now – we remember when it did a lot….but sometimes we still see and feel it on the Inside…..
Thank you for helping us remember that part….T helps us good!! Thank you!
MissyMing
05/05/20
A couple days ago some old scars popped out. This happens frequently. Havent seen them in years. They were from cutting. I am wondering, maybe the old scars show up because it was something that we “had” to cut over, which made the memory go back into hiding, but now that we are not cutting, and trying to work on the memories, maybe it is the cut we made about it showing back up? Because cutting doesnt actually help, it just compounds the problem…so it comes back as a reminder. Maybe
Hi. This is an extension of a discussion that One, M. and I have been having on another thread. I wanted to bring it here to bring everyone’s attention to this article that Kathy wrote on body memories. I do not know about you folks but I have been having a lot of body memories as I get in touch with my history. Not pleasant at all. However, it is the way that my first insider started to appear and communicate with me. She spoke with my T but when my T asked her to tell me the things that they had talked about, she kept saying that she was trying to tell me but I did not listen. That frustrated the heck out of me until I realized that she was telling me with body memories. That was a big lesson to me to open up all of my senses to my insiders and that the things going on in my body had to do with memories.
Now I am very mindful of these body sensations. I am also aware of problems that I have had with my reproductive organs, cycles and the like. Trauma has played out in illness and pain.
Is this a common experience for you folks?
Not so much with THAT direction of the body….Inside doesn’t even want to acknowledge “there” exists….but I HAVE had two rounds of PVD (Posterior Vitreous Detachment) in my eye….Medically – it is common with age….but while basically blind in my eye for several weeks – it SURE felt like it “represented” my “blindness” about parts of my life…it felt so Twilight Zoney…..
The arthritis that is medically NOW in my hip feels somehow connected to a “flash” I had about being really little and my leg being yanked….but I don’t know if that “flash” was my imagination or not….I saw the “flash” before I found out the chronic pain was arthritis…… Who knows?….
Still working on being able to recognize body sensations….heck…still have trouble even accepting that THIS is my “body”…..the “body gender” clashes with the “It” perspective…..
Ugh….I feel like such a mess….
MissyMing
03/15/20
“Ugh….I feel like such a mess….”
Well, that makes two of us MissyMing! I do not want to know that I have a body let alone actually feel it. A couple of years ago I started working with a Somatic Coach. Ya, it is all about the body. ARGH … not sure why I do these things to myself. I had lost a whole lot of weight at the time and was starting to feel connected so thought, “why not give it a try?” Well, that all has changed.
I am exploring the understanding that a lot of trauma is trapped in the body. My T talks about it when I get trembling and cannot stop — trauma energy being released. Then I have these body feelings that do not go away. Like, I cannot have anything around my neck or wrists, I have a chronic feeling of being stained/burned on the inside of my arms, I cannot tolerate any pressure on my stomach, my thighs get icy cold and then there are those girl parts. ARGH!!!! It is like what is going on in my head is not enough!
ME+WE
03/16/20
I have a hard time with touch….my poor hubby gets so frustrated with me….touch makes my skin crawl and I can feel “hysteria” somewhere deep Inside…..I have to go numb so it doesn’t bubble over to the Outside…..
My T talks about “comforting” the child parts and Rage wants to go ballistic….it makes NO sense to my “brain” because “brain” says, “That is GOOD”….but all of Inside says, “NO! IT’S NOT!” ….. and I don’t know why…….
MissyMing
03/19/20
Good article here, but holy shizballs there’s a TON of EXTREMELY triggering and unnecessary stuff in the comments.
Might wanna look at that for the safety of those who read here looking for help. Esp when you offer more help in the comments.
Omg, i didn’t need to see any of that right now but whatever. People area reaching out which is good i spose.
But note to others: please have some common courtesy and DO NOT put your graphic trauma details public for the entire world to see. We’ve got enough of our own, we don’t need to read yours on what it supposed to be a ‘safe place’.
Ugh, i need to go settle my system and contain the truckload of crap that just got ignited.
Hi Astrie,
I am sorry but I had to giggle a little when I read your posting. You have such a bluntly honest way of expressing yourself! “Shizballs” just cracks me up.
I think that you have offered a great warning and heads up to everyone here no matter where we are posting or reading on the blog.
Just to extend your thoughts to anyone reading here (especially any newbies). I tend not to read comments from the far past … just what is more current. There was some negativity and venting of stuff in the past that I found disturbing so I don’t go there. If you do, skim and skip to what looks helpful (which for me is most often Kathy’s comments). If you start to feel triggered in any way by a posting, move on. If the triggering continues, let it go (i.e., stop reading) for another day when you are feeling stronger and able to read the comments. You control what you read here. Oh … and if you are feeling especially vulnerable, stick with Kathy’s words only until you are up to reading the comments. You always know that Kathy’s words are safe.
The other point is about what we write here. Personally, I am all for folks writing whatever they need to to tell their truth. I do not want folks to feel that anything that they have to say is not welcomed or heard. If your truth is into the nitty gritty of your trauma history, you might want to offer a *** trigger warning *** to folks to let them know that what follows may be triggering to others. Kathy most often does this as she moderates our postings but really the responsibility is ours to help one another and keep our space here safe. But, in the end, anything has potential for triggering so please do not feel stifled by that. Your truth is important to us all.
Just my thoughts to add to Astrie’s far more interesting read.
ME+WE
some days we be doing better with this. even thowe we dont ever forget. are feet been feeling better some. exsept we acsidenly got hurt a cuople days ago real bad and we hurt are leg and now it be hurting so bad we cant sleep. so it be reminding us of old things. but ushally for a hole past 2 weeks are feet been better 🙂 now we just got to work on the rest of are body,
I feel very alone in general. In trying to start over and make a new life (after realizing what happened to me), i feel that i or someone else just erased all of my past or most or my memories all together! How can i remember?
Hi AvaAerty,
I am so glad that you have come here. You do not have to be alone. We are here to listen and to try and help support you in any way that we can. Starting out on this journey of understanding can feel very lonesome, confusing and scary. Having friends to talk to can really help especially since we are all on this journey together.
I just started to learn some of my story four years ago at 58 years old. Wow … did I ever think that I was crazy and making it all up. I also just had body memories at first and did not understand what that was all about. Now I have come to accept what my insiders have told me. But it has been little bits and pieces at a time. I am not sure that I have the whole picture or if I ever will. And, big chunks of my life are lost to memory forever. But, I have reconciled myself to that and am just content to make new memories.
ME+WE
01/31/2018
Hi AvaAerty,
I totally understand how alone you feel. Memories are a way of connecting not only with ourselves, but with those around us and with the world. When we can’t remember, it is extremely isolating. Not only do we lose the memories, we also lose a way of maintaining connection to ourselves in the inner world and the people in our life.
It is hard to heal when you don’t remember. Part of maintaining connection to others and ourselves is being able to properly grieve life’s losses and to appreciate the gifts we have been given.. And that involves using memory to honor your past ( and your parts), to remember either the sorrows and losses and/or the love and joy that you felt.
Memory is incredibly important for healthy functioning. It brings good, important healthy feelings and understanding and knowledge as well as things we’d rather not see or know or understand.
I am a firm believer that your parts know and remember. They know the abuse, that happened to you, but they also know the times of comfort and joy. Of fun times. Work on internal communication. The memories will come in bits and pieces. It may feel overwhelming at first. When I first started to remember, I would have panic attacks and pace around my house trying to literally crawl out of my skin because I couldn’t stand the feelings. I have learned how to feel those feelings and not be overwhelmed. I have learned, and it’s taken a while, not to be afraid of my parts and what they were showing me.
It is a slow process and needs to be paced in a way that is not overwhelming. Working with a therapist with experience treating past trauma is helpful because they can help you pace the work and the progress so that you are not overwhelmed. They can help you build skills to deal with the emotions and feelings and memories.
Along the journey, I have gained access to memories other than abuse. And I have felt incredible compassion and gratitude…for me. All parts of me. I have learned and truly believe that we are designed to heal. We are walking miracles. Our brains and our bodies and our spirits are always working in the direction of healing. The memories, both the good and the distressing, will come as your healing progresses.
Wishing you the best on your journey!
My therapist tells me I remember as I’m ready. However, we don’t do memory work. Our energy is on bringing parts into the present reality. Parts that are stuck in trauma time think the abuse is still happening. Since my abuse is over, I accept that memory work for me would serve to retraumatize me. I’m focused on trying to feel safe now. Once I am (I’ve been working on this for a year), then we can do EMDR if we want to remember it. It is slow work to rewire a brain that protected us for so long. Since we’re safe now, rewiring is our focus—not remembering the unsafe. Have you read The Body Keeps the Score by Van der Kolk? It’s long and very thorough as to how trauma brain works. Glad you are here with us. Sorry bad things happened to you.
AvaAvery,
I was able to remember by journaling and talking with our therapist. I started by making a “loss” chart for my life, of things I lost according to age. For me, this meant doing online research on court dates/prison records. It has also meant talking to some “safe” family members as well.
What do I mean by a loss chart. Age ___, xyz event, we included pets or other family member deaths, job loss or moves as an adult, (this could include marriage or significant relationship ending). Also it could help to make a collage of your interests by age. We started by making one with good and bad things from magazine cutouts. It also included info. on mental illness/stigma we are scared to face in the beginning.
2/1/17
I have been having a body memory all day. I don’t know what’s normal. I’m totally disconnected from my body, but I sense my littles somewhere in the background. I can’t breathe. I feel the sensations. sorry. nothing else to say except that I’m scared and hurting.
Hey Becca —
Is this the post you are referring to???
It’s been a month ago, so maybe this isn’t the post you are looking for — not sure, but I’ll pull it back up “to the top” for folks to see.
Unfortunately, I haven’t seen a post from you from within the last week, so …. I’m not sure if it actually got sent? Or was that comment was written on the FaceBook page?? I’m pretty sure I’ve approved all comments from you that I’ve seen come through, so there’s not been any problems, no.
Do you remember what you were writing about, because if you do, please post it again, and we’ll surely see it this time. We’ll be looking for it!
Sorry for the confusion, and I hope you feel better soon.
Warmly,
Kathy
** Please note: intense content below **
I have been healing for many years and have had hundreds of body memories since 1988. Now though this set of memories is very intense. Giving oral sex to my dad, my mom catching us in the act and again she and the siblings taking it out on me has created issues with gagging, hard time swallowing, eating due to being choked and multiple things being shoved down my throat, etc. Hardest memories I have been through in many years. But, then again I never wanted to remember that my mom knew and it explains her and my siblings and how I have always been treated. I went to Dr. Nothing found physically wrong and her telling me it probably is related to my 12 years of sexual abuse. Hard!!! So hard!!! I just want to be able to eat and swallow again without having all these memories rushing through my mind and body!
I know this may be an old post, but I am so sorry you went through all of this. I hope that you are going through treatment and finding peace and forgiveness. He hurt you, he abused you, he is a monster. I hope you get away and never see or speak to him, or your mother for that matter. We don’t have choices about what we are coerced to do as children. He manipulated you, and he hurt you. He is a douchebag. RUN don’t walk away from this toxic relationship and communicate to your siblings the hurt and mistrust they have caused by talking about it. Please get a specialist who deals with food issues; and a good trauma therapist. I have done trauma art collages to explain my hurt and parts; it helps me to process these memories and figure out who I am now to work towards mindful living and a peaceful existence.
Body memories come first for me. It has taken years for me to know this is how parts talk and tell first. When I stop and address the pain with them, they will connect with me and I get to know them. I work with parts to contain the rest of their story till T and I hear their story together. This works for me to get to know the parts first, validate I had trauma and slow it down to a more tolerable level and speed. Containment. Bring them to the present and the system as a whole. The support of the system, working to help each other as this happen almost daily, the parts help me and each other thru them so as it is information I need know and want to know but the also can sooth me and other parts as we go thru this journey of healing together. We have been learning how to pace it so no one is hurt, re-traumatized, scared and alone. We meet and trust T to help us. TRUST! SAFETY! First.
I am going thru a memory with them from the Spring Equinox and with those memories it takes a good month of body memories, visual and emotional pain. I do know it will end soon tho and remind myself of that constantly. It will past and I will feel the wonderful healing effects that are the rewards of our hard work. Hang in there! Its well wroth it.
We’ve been having body memories of mommy “putting herself inside us”. It hurts. It hurts so bad. It makes us want to be sick.
Jenny
Kathy how do you make you body foget? So it dont feel stuff no more?
Has anyone ever experienced actual bruising while processing trauma memories, along with the pain?
Has anyone experienced actual bruising on the body when working on trauma memories?
What can I do to help me with the physical pain from body memories that lasts for days? My “littles” will have flashbacks in therapy and when I come back into the body I am left with severe pain that I have no idea of it’s origin until my therapist shares the contents of the flashback with me. But even then I go for days and days with severe body pain, not being able to sleep or sometimes even eat. It overwhelms me so badly that I quit therapy (I went back a week later), but it makes me want to give up the healing journey. PLEASE PLEASE help me & my therapist figure out a way to make the body pain go away and not hang on for days.
Reblogged this on Overcoming CPTSD.
Somebody once drugged me by forcing me to drink Coke that I new they had spiked with GHB (or similar). I didn’t have any choice – they were threatened to force it down. Every time I relive this, I get to this one point where I’m recalling pushing the glass away and I start feeling queasy and I quickly turn back from reliving the incident in full.
Would this be a body memory?
I thought I’d ask as I have doubts the memory is a true one.
Sounds like intense stuff dbrief. I hope you were able to soothe yourself when you came out of it. It’s super icky yucky when memories like that burst to the forfront.
ppp
***** Trigger Warning — This post gets very intense and describes a body memory in detail. It is really not appropriate for little parts to read. Please be sure that you are in a very safe place before you read further. Thanks. Kathy *****
*****
*****
I wrote this after the event so ot might seem off or a bit crazy i guess as ive never had this before,
-pd, miosophonoia, dislexia and did sifferer-
Physical hallucination under deep breathing is all i can think of to describe it, maybe some would suggest an entity of some kind… something forcfully pushed down my throat, could feel my lips opening regardless how much i tried to stoo-eyes shook violantly breathing through noses but could not take a breath through my open mouth n had pressure on back of throat till i gagged and jerked out of it yet i was wide awake, went and had cigarette felt odd neck ached.. payed back down try to breath calmly, again heart started pupming could feel pressure on neck n tingly feeling on lower back then as if swrat had dripoes between my arse cheeks i could feel my prostate tingle as if touched then pressure on my lower back incredibly painful as my muscles tried to fight it, my lip was tightly held together like before crying from what i remember of crying…then my lower body rocked slightly! My head tilted back n the pain sensation got worse my sphyincta tightens as if trying to push n mu mouth opens n face contorted up as if trying to scream, my arse pushed till it was if id forced out a spatutial wind, my breath gone my body slumped.. i went for a cigarette legs shaky n weak- this morning i feel bruised…all of this and i was awake…
i was abused as a thirteen year old girl. Now i am happily married, been married for four days so far, but we havent had sex. we have tried but it hurts me so bad i can hardly stand it. I am a virgin so i expect it to hurt, but what i rly dont understand is the way i freak out after we try each time. I feel violated, and i have no reason to at all. So i was looking it up and started reading about body memories and i wonder if that is my problem?
Hi Rachel —
Thank you for reading and writing here. Welcome, welcome.
Congratulations on your new marriage! I hope that the two of you stay happy for many years to come….
As for the difficult things you wrote about, it sounds to me like there could be any number issues going on for you…. Body memories could be part of it, but as a whole, it sounds like you will probably need to do more healing work addressing the trauma issues that are most likely the foundation of that violation / fear / pain that you are feeling. Sex doesn’t have to hurt, not even for virgins, but the freaking out that you are experiencing would have come from somewhere. I encourage you to address those issues more so that you and your partner can enjoy some of the beautiful intimate sides of marriage.
I hope that you will keep reading — you may very well find a lot of the information and comments posted on this site to be useful and helpful.
Warmly,
Kathy
You maybe get checked cuz maybe you need a surgery to open stuff up a bit. I did.
Maybe you goto take time to explain bout stuff to the freaking one. Maybe she can learn its fun. Or maybe she would be willing to go elsewhere cuz she don’t need to be there.
It kinda embarrassing to try and it not work. Kinda feel weird for sure. Cuz doing it IS weird. But funny too, cuz what a weird thing to do.
But mostly I think you get checked physical, and then take time and do lots a explaining inside. Get hubby on board to help with this.
my body sayeng it dont want to be a girl no more
do we got to lisin to are b ody./?
if we ignor it wont it go away kathey? we need it to go away
I have been having mild to severe internal cramps in the vaginal area. I no longer have a uterus so its not menstrual. Sexual intimacy has become more and more uncomfortable and painful. My obgyn can find no problems, no infections etc Could this be a trauma issue? I am processing some new stuff right now, some stuff I don’t know is true but seems real. But I can’t tell if it’s new thoughts, memories of older thoughts, memories of events, or total fantasy. I am really struggling with all this right now, and on top of this my parents just gave video-taped testimony of their abuse by the two catholic priests who abused them and their children for years. I feel cut loose from reality and floating further into the black hole. Sorry to be so dark.
it makes me ashamed because the last time i was married and adult. i remember the beginning and feeling sick and then just nothing and knowing i could never, ever, ever see him again, no matter what, at least not on purpose. i believed i could change him. i believed if i did the ‘right’ thing he would eventually love me. i was wrong. of course i said nothing, bc who would believe it? i’d already been blamed before. and yeah it hurts this body still, maybe more lately than ever. it amazes me how loyal i was and i hope in time i’ll understand this better. sometimes i just feel so vacuous. gaaah!
i dont no what lots of this say kathy but i dont no how to help them girls. them girls be haveng a big problem
there body herts lots
speshally the littol girls
and they want to throw up cos things hert lots
i dont no how to make it better
caroline dont no what els to do nether
from TUCK
I like what Kathy said about finding the mental place where you know that the abuse has stopped and holding on to that. I write about the body memory so I can affirm to my child self that I believe it. Then I write or tell myself what age I am now and how I am safe and the abuse was a long time ago. I have to say it aloud or write it down to believe both the abuse and the fact that the abuse is no longer happening. When I am able I share the memory with my therapist, but I struggle with that. If she believes it is a real memory I have a tendency to try to dismiss it as made up. Then I have to work at letting it be, just letting the words live on the page and not judge them. Believing it is true, even when my body has remembered, is a process. It doesn’t happen right away. If I can stop myself from self-harm as a punishment for telling or remembering,that process is easier. If I self-harm it is harder to move to a place of accepting the body memory as true. I am my own hardest judge.
body memories make me feel so ashamed and the majority of the time I dont know what to do with them… so I just go away …. Is it normal to have insiders that don’t know and don’t believe that the body is not being hurt anymore?
I don’t have any concious memories of being abused. I have the logical arguement on denial days that it never really happened. but my body remembers and I can’t ignore that. But something/someone inside is holding those memories and will not let me access them. It’s very frustrating at times to be panicking but have no idea WHY.
Hi Asrais,
Thanks for your comment. Yes, it is very very hard to ignore body memories — they have a way of just grabbing all kinds of attention, don’t they?!!! If I am understanding you correctly, your body remembers, but your mind is still blocking on the info? Are you dissociative? (considering the nature of this blog, I’m going to assume so…) So… assuming you are DID, try finding the parts inside that know about they memories. They won’t be blocked on any of the memory info — it’s just that you are blocked from them. Those insiders will know all kinds of stuff about what happened, so… if you can find a way to reach your internal people, you will be able to get your questions answered about the trauma and the panic too.
Good luck!
Kathy
just had a body memory last night and my teenager came out to hurt the body because the body responded. i hate this crap!
oompaa
Just a thought…..
Do you remember when your abuse came to an end? Don’t stay stuck IN it. Find the ending point and experience the relief of knowing its over.
That will help….
Kathy
Great feedback! It did stop. I’m free. Now to untangle my mind. Thx Kathy.
This post combined with the shame post… feel like I am being beat about the head with a 2×4. (metaphorically speaking of course)
Its so hard. And, I sometimes have trouble distinguishing body memories from just my body being weird. But, some things I know are body memories and it is really not cool.
Hi Gobbies –
Sorry to hear you are having such a hard go with your trauma work right now. Some days are just really tough! Keep working on it — you’ll figure it out. Be sure to ask everyone inside what they know / recognize about the body memory – the more you can learn about the traumatic situation, the more you’ll be able to heal.
It’s such hard work tho’ — I hope things get better for you soon –
Thinking of you,
Kathy
i hate body memories..
littlest survivor,
yeah, they’re tough to deal with. Not fun at all — but important clues to your understanding of what happened….
Be brave – and remember, you already lived thru’ it, so… the end of the story is… that the trauma stops, the abuser leaves, and you make it out alive… No, the abuse was not ok, not at all. And … it does come to an end… Find that place.
Kathy