Body Memories — ouch!
In the television show “One Life To Live” — Bess tried to rescue Jessica one more time by taking baby Chloe and going on the run. Their secret had gotten out — baby Chloe belonged to someone else and the dear little one was not Jessica’s baby at all.
Tess was angry with Bess for trying this last stunt. Every time Bess looked in the mirror, she would see Tess’s angry face making comments to her. Tess had plenty to say — she was not at all impressed with Bess.
Meanwhile, Jessica was tucked way down inside. She had no awareness that she had driven hundreds of miles away from her home. She didn’t know she was in trouble or that she was about to lose her baby. She wasn’t aware of much of anything.
Despite Tess’s protests, Bess was determined to do what she defined as protection of Jessica. It was Bess’s mastermind plan to switch the babies so that Jessica would never know that her own baby had died at birth. She was determined to never let Jessica feel the pain of having lost her baby. She really believed she was helping by hiding out of town.
But they were found. Their safe person, Broady, found them. (That’s quite an appropriate name for the safe person, don’t you think?!!!) 🙂
With the secret out, Bess had no other option but to let Jessica remember the truth of what had happened. Bess did not know if Jessica was strong enough to handle the emotional pain, but there was no more blocking out the reality or dissociating away the truth. Jessica was going to remember.
And Jessica did remember.
Painfully, reliving minute by minute, even having body memories of giving birth to her child, Jessica remembered detail after detail of the incident that had previously been totally dissociated from her awareness. For months, Bess had completely held those memories from Jessica, but the dissociative walls between the two of them were no longer necessary. Bess was letting Jess remember.
Jessica remembered going into labor, birthing the child, and seeing that her child had been stillborn. She recalled the plan of switching her baby for another newly born baby, and she knew that she had to return baby Chloe to her rightful mother.
Jessica was addressing her pain. She was remembering in an emotional and physical way. She felt the labor pains, and recalled the birth of her baby as if it was happening all over again. She felt the emotional agony of losing her child. She remembered all that had been dissociated from her awareness.
And she was strong enough to handle the pain. And by doing so, she will be able to heal.
The writers of “One Life to Live” provided a fairly accurate portrayal of this process, for sexual abuse survivors with Dissociative Identity Disorder even if it was fast-forwarded in typical soap opera fashion. But for a television show, they did pretty good.
In real life, body memories are a common occurrence for trauma survivors.
For most survivors, the body memories are much more involved, and occur as a much longer process. They will happen more frequently, and not come in such a neat package.
But the point is, the body will remember the trauma, and the body will feel the same physical sensations all over again as it “tells the story” of what happened.
Body memories are the body’s way of remembering, storing, and telling the trauma.
The survivor’s mind may have blocked out the pain and created dissociative walls around the traumatic experience, but the physical body itself can remember the trauma through cellular memory.
Sometimes survivors experience the body memories separately from intellectual understanding or emotional remembrance of what happened during the trauma. Dissociative survivors will feel intense body pain and have no idea why they are hurting.
When the body remembers the traumatic incident at a different time from when the mind remembers the incident, it can feel very crazy making.
The therapeutic goal is to put the various pieces together so that the survivor can work through, process, and heal from the memory as a whole.
The body feels the trauma in much the same as in the original incident and the various physical attitudes occur as if the trauma was happening all over again. The physical pain, shaking, trembling, jerking, physical reactions, intensity, and various body responses happen in a similar fashion as in the original trauma.
For most sexual abuse survivors, body memories will also involve feelings of pleasure or physical response. This creates a particularly difficult emotional dilemma for the survivors, as it is difficult to reconcile the pleasure responses that occurred during the middle of an abusive event. But the body, being a biological entity, cannot distinguish safe touch from abuse, and if stimulated correctly, it will naturally respond. Survivors often feel a great deal of shame about this reality, and will need to discuss this situation in their therapy.
Body memories are an important piece of the healing work.
The body can say a lot about the incidents of abuse, and it really is impossible to re-create a body memory when there was no memory in the first place.
Because of that, body memories are often helpful in breaking through the denial layers of dissociation. The body may remember moments of the abuse that were too emotionally difficult for the survivors to manage, but by truly listening to their bodies, survivors can learn a great deal about their histories.
What is your body saying to you?
What does your body remember that your mind refuses to think about?
What does your body remember that you don’t want to hear?
What will it take for you to listen to your body?
Your body was there for the abuse too.
Maybe it knows more than you think it does.
I wish you AND your body the best in your healing journey.
Warmly,
Kathy
Copyright © 2008 – 2018 Kathy Broady and Discussing Dissociation
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i hate body memories..
littlest survivor,
yeah, they’re tough to deal with. Not fun at all — but important clues to your understanding of what happened….
Be brave – and remember, you already lived thru’ it, so… the end of the story is… that the trauma stops, the abuser leaves, and you make it out alive… No, the abuse was not ok, not at all. And … it does come to an end… Find that place.
Kathy
This post combined with the shame post… feel like I am being beat about the head with a 2×4. (metaphorically speaking of course)
Its so hard. And, I sometimes have trouble distinguishing body memories from just my body being weird. But, some things I know are body memories and it is really not cool.
Hi Gobbies –
Sorry to hear you are having such a hard go with your trauma work right now. Some days are just really tough! Keep working on it — you’ll figure it out. Be sure to ask everyone inside what they know / recognize about the body memory – the more you can learn about the traumatic situation, the more you’ll be able to heal.
It’s such hard work tho’ — I hope things get better for you soon –
Thinking of you,
Kathy
Just a thought…..
Do you remember when your abuse came to an end? Don’t stay stuck IN it. Find the ending point and experience the relief of knowing its over.
That will help….
Kathy
Great feedback! It did stop. I’m free. Now to untangle my mind. Thx Kathy.
just had a body memory last night and my teenager came out to hurt the body because the body responded. i hate this crap!
oompaa
I don’t have any concious memories of being abused. I have the logical arguement on denial days that it never really happened. but my body remembers and I can’t ignore that. But something/someone inside is holding those memories and will not let me access them. It’s very frustrating at times to be panicking but have no idea WHY.
Hi Asrais,
Thanks for your comment. Yes, it is very very hard to ignore body memories — they have a way of just grabbing all kinds of attention, don’t they?!!! If I am understanding you correctly, your body remembers, but your mind is still blocking on the info? Are you dissociative? (considering the nature of this blog, I’m going to assume so…) So… assuming you are DID, try finding the parts inside that know about they memories. They won’t be blocked on any of the memory info — it’s just that you are blocked from them. Those insiders will know all kinds of stuff about what happened, so… if you can find a way to reach your internal people, you will be able to get your questions answered about the trauma and the panic too.
Good luck!
Kathy
body memories make me feel so ashamed and the majority of the time I dont know what to do with them… so I just go away …. Is it normal to have insiders that don’t know and don’t believe that the body is not being hurt anymore?
I like what Kathy said about finding the mental place where you know that the abuse has stopped and holding on to that. I write about the body memory so I can affirm to my child self that I believe it. Then I write or tell myself what age I am now and how I am safe and the abuse was a long time ago. I have to say it aloud or write it down to believe both the abuse and the fact that the abuse is no longer happening. When I am able I share the memory with my therapist, but I struggle with that. If she believes it is a real memory I have a tendency to try to dismiss it as made up. Then I have to work at letting it be, just letting the words live on the page and not judge them. Believing it is true, even when my body has remembered, is a process. It doesn’t happen right away. If I can stop myself from self-harm as a punishment for telling or remembering,that process is easier. If I self-harm it is harder to move to a place of accepting the body memory as true. I am my own hardest judge.
i dont no what lots of this say kathy but i dont no how to help them girls. them girls be haveng a big problem
there body herts lots
speshally the littol girls
and they want to throw up cos things hert lots
i dont no how to make it better
caroline dont no what els to do nether
from TUCK
it makes me ashamed because the last time i was married and adult. i remember the beginning and feeling sick and then just nothing and knowing i could never, ever, ever see him again, no matter what, at least not on purpose. i believed i could change him. i believed if i did the ‘right’ thing he would eventually love me. i was wrong. of course i said nothing, bc who would believe it? i’d already been blamed before. and yeah it hurts this body still, maybe more lately than ever. it amazes me how loyal i was and i hope in time i’ll understand this better. sometimes i just feel so vacuous. gaaah!
I have been having mild to severe internal cramps in the vaginal area. I no longer have a uterus so its not menstrual. Sexual intimacy has become more and more uncomfortable and painful. My obgyn can find no problems, no infections etc Could this be a trauma issue? I am processing some new stuff right now, some stuff I don’t know is true but seems real. But I can’t tell if it’s new thoughts, memories of older thoughts, memories of events, or total fantasy. I am really struggling with all this right now, and on top of this my parents just gave video-taped testimony of their abuse by the two catholic priests who abused them and their children for years. I feel cut loose from reality and floating further into the black hole. Sorry to be so dark.
my body sayeng it dont want to be a girl no more
do we got to lisin to are b ody./?
if we ignor it wont it go away kathey? we need it to go away
i was abused as a thirteen year old girl. Now i am happily married, been married for four days so far, but we havent had sex. we have tried but it hurts me so bad i can hardly stand it. I am a virgin so i expect it to hurt, but what i rly dont understand is the way i freak out after we try each time. I feel violated, and i have no reason to at all. So i was looking it up and started reading about body memories and i wonder if that is my problem?
Hi Rachel —
Thank you for reading and writing here. Welcome, welcome.
Congratulations on your new marriage! I hope that the two of you stay happy for many years to come….
As for the difficult things you wrote about, it sounds to me like there could be any number issues going on for you…. Body memories could be part of it, but as a whole, it sounds like you will probably need to do more healing work addressing the trauma issues that are most likely the foundation of that violation / fear / pain that you are feeling. Sex doesn’t have to hurt, not even for virgins, but the freaking out that you are experiencing would have come from somewhere. I encourage you to address those issues more so that you and your partner can enjoy some of the beautiful intimate sides of marriage.
I hope that you will keep reading — you may very well find a lot of the information and comments posted on this site to be useful and helpful.
Warmly,
Kathy
You maybe get checked cuz maybe you need a surgery to open stuff up a bit. I did.
Maybe you goto take time to explain bout stuff to the freaking one. Maybe she can learn its fun. Or maybe she would be willing to go elsewhere cuz she don’t need to be there.
It kinda embarrassing to try and it not work. Kinda feel weird for sure. Cuz doing it IS weird. But funny too, cuz what a weird thing to do.
But mostly I think you get checked physical, and then take time and do lots a explaining inside. Get hubby on board to help with this.
***** Trigger Warning — This post gets very intense and describes a body memory in detail. It is really not appropriate for little parts to read. Please be sure that you are in a very safe place before you read further. Thanks. Kathy *****
*****
*****
I wrote this after the event so ot might seem off or a bit crazy i guess as ive never had this before,
-pd, miosophonoia, dislexia and did sifferer-
Physical hallucination under deep breathing is all i can think of to describe it, maybe some would suggest an entity of some kind… something forcfully pushed down my throat, could feel my lips opening regardless how much i tried to stoo-eyes shook violantly breathing through noses but could not take a breath through my open mouth n had pressure on back of throat till i gagged and jerked out of it yet i was wide awake, went and had cigarette felt odd neck ached.. payed back down try to breath calmly, again heart started pupming could feel pressure on neck n tingly feeling on lower back then as if swrat had dripoes between my arse cheeks i could feel my prostate tingle as if touched then pressure on my lower back incredibly painful as my muscles tried to fight it, my lip was tightly held together like before crying from what i remember of crying…then my lower body rocked slightly! My head tilted back n the pain sensation got worse my sphyincta tightens as if trying to push n mu mouth opens n face contorted up as if trying to scream, my arse pushed till it was if id forced out a spatutial wind, my breath gone my body slumped.. i went for a cigarette legs shaky n weak- this morning i feel bruised…all of this and i was awake…
Sounds like intense stuff dbrief. I hope you were able to soothe yourself when you came out of it. It’s super icky yucky when memories like that burst to the forfront.
ppp
Somebody once drugged me by forcing me to drink Coke that I new they had spiked with GHB (or similar). I didn’t have any choice – they were threatened to force it down. Every time I relive this, I get to this one point where I’m recalling pushing the glass away and I start feeling queasy and I quickly turn back from reliving the incident in full.
Would this be a body memory?
I thought I’d ask as I have doubts the memory is a true one.
Reblogged this on Overcoming CPTSD.
What can I do to help me with the physical pain from body memories that lasts for days? My “littles” will have flashbacks in therapy and when I come back into the body I am left with severe pain that I have no idea of it’s origin until my therapist shares the contents of the flashback with me. But even then I go for days and days with severe body pain, not being able to sleep or sometimes even eat. It overwhelms me so badly that I quit therapy (I went back a week later), but it makes me want to give up the healing journey. PLEASE PLEASE help me & my therapist figure out a way to make the body pain go away and not hang on for days.
Has anyone experienced actual bruising on the body when working on trauma memories?
Has anyone ever experienced actual bruising while processing trauma memories, along with the pain?
Kathy how do you make you body foget? So it dont feel stuff no more?
We’ve been having body memories of mommy “putting herself inside us”. It hurts. It hurts so bad. It makes us want to be sick.
Jenny
Body memories come first for me. It has taken years for me to know this is how parts talk and tell first. When I stop and address the pain with them, they will connect with me and I get to know them. I work with parts to contain the rest of their story till T and I hear their story together. This works for me to get to know the parts first, validate I had trauma and slow it down to a more tolerable level and speed. Containment. Bring them to the present and the system as a whole. The support of the system, working to help each other as this happen almost daily, the parts help me and each other thru them so as it is information I need know and want to know but the also can sooth me and other parts as we go thru this journey of healing together. We have been learning how to pace it so no one is hurt, re-traumatized, scared and alone. We meet and trust T to help us. TRUST! SAFETY! First.
I am going thru a memory with them from the Spring Equinox and with those memories it takes a good month of body memories, visual and emotional pain. I do know it will end soon tho and remind myself of that constantly. It will past and I will feel the wonderful healing effects that are the rewards of our hard work. Hang in there! Its well wroth it.
** Please note: intense content below **
I have been healing for many years and have had hundreds of body memories since 1988. Now though this set of memories is very intense. Giving oral sex to my dad, my mom catching us in the act and again she and the siblings taking it out on me has created issues with gagging, hard time swallowing, eating due to being choked and multiple things being shoved down my throat, etc. Hardest memories I have been through in many years. But, then again I never wanted to remember that my mom knew and it explains her and my siblings and how I have always been treated. I went to Dr. Nothing found physically wrong and her telling me it probably is related to my 12 years of sexual abuse. Hard!!! So hard!!! I just want to be able to eat and swallow again without having all these memories rushing through my mind and body!
I know this may be an old post, but I am so sorry you went through all of this. I hope that you are going through treatment and finding peace and forgiveness. He hurt you, he abused you, he is a monster. I hope you get away and never see or speak to him, or your mother for that matter. We don’t have choices about what we are coerced to do as children. He manipulated you, and he hurt you. He is a douchebag. RUN don’t walk away from this toxic relationship and communicate to your siblings the hurt and mistrust they have caused by talking about it. Please get a specialist who deals with food issues; and a good trauma therapist. I have done trauma art collages to explain my hurt and parts; it helps me to process these memories and figure out who I am now to work towards mindful living and a peaceful existence.
I have been having a body memory all day. I don’t know what’s normal. I’m totally disconnected from my body, but I sense my littles somewhere in the background. I can’t breathe. I feel the sensations. sorry. nothing else to say except that I’m scared and hurting.
Hey Becca —
Is this the post you are referring to???
It’s been a month ago, so maybe this isn’t the post you are looking for — not sure, but I’ll pull it back up “to the top” for folks to see.
Unfortunately, I haven’t seen a post from you from within the last week, so …. I’m not sure if it actually got sent? Or was that comment was written on the FaceBook page?? I’m pretty sure I’ve approved all comments from you that I’ve seen come through, so there’s not been any problems, no.
Do you remember what you were writing about, because if you do, please post it again, and we’ll surely see it this time. We’ll be looking for it!
Sorry for the confusion, and I hope you feel better soon.
Warmly,
Kathy
I feel very alone in general. In trying to start over and make a new life (after realizing what happened to me), i feel that i or someone else just erased all of my past or most or my memories all together! How can i remember?
Hi AvaAerty,
I am so glad that you have come here. You do not have to be alone. We are here to listen and to try and help support you in any way that we can. Starting out on this journey of understanding can feel very lonesome, confusing and scary. Having friends to talk to can really help especially since we are all on this journey together.
I just started to learn some of my story four years ago at 58 years old. Wow … did I ever think that I was crazy and making it all up. I also just had body memories at first and did not understand what that was all about. Now I have come to accept what my insiders have told me. But it has been little bits and pieces at a time. I am not sure that I have the whole picture or if I ever will. And, big chunks of my life are lost to memory forever. But, I have reconciled myself to that and am just content to make new memories.
ME+WE
01/31/2018
Hi AvaAerty,
I totally understand how alone you feel. Memories are a way of connecting not only with ourselves, but with those around us and with the world. When we can’t remember, it is extremely isolating. Not only do we lose the memories, we also lose a way of maintaining connection to ourselves in the inner world and the people in our life.
It is hard to heal when you don’t remember. Part of maintaining connection to others and ourselves is being able to properly grieve life’s losses and to appreciate the gifts we have been given.. And that involves using memory to honor your past ( and your parts), to remember either the sorrows and losses and/or the love and joy that you felt.
Memory is incredibly important for healthy functioning. It brings good, important healthy feelings and understanding and knowledge as well as things we’d rather not see or know or understand.
I am a firm believer that your parts know and remember. They know the abuse, that happened to you, but they also know the times of comfort and joy. Of fun times. Work on internal communication. The memories will come in bits and pieces. It may feel overwhelming at first. When I first started to remember, I would have panic attacks and pace around my house trying to literally crawl out of my skin because I couldn’t stand the feelings. I have learned how to feel those feelings and not be overwhelmed. I have learned, and it’s taken a while, not to be afraid of my parts and what they were showing me.
It is a slow process and needs to be paced in a way that is not overwhelming. Working with a therapist with experience treating past trauma is helpful because they can help you pace the work and the progress so that you are not overwhelmed. They can help you build skills to deal with the emotions and feelings and memories.
Along the journey, I have gained access to memories other than abuse. And I have felt incredible compassion and gratitude…for me. All parts of me. I have learned and truly believe that we are designed to heal. We are walking miracles. Our brains and our bodies and our spirits are always working in the direction of healing. The memories, both the good and the distressing, will come as your healing progresses.
Wishing you the best on your journey!
My therapist tells me I remember as I’m ready. However, we don’t do memory work. Our energy is on bringing parts into the present reality. Parts that are stuck in trauma time think the abuse is still happening. Since my abuse is over, I accept that memory work for me would serve to retraumatize me. I’m focused on trying to feel safe now. Once I am (I’ve been working on this for a year), then we can do EMDR if we want to remember it. It is slow work to rewire a brain that protected us for so long. Since we’re safe now, rewiring is our focus—not remembering the unsafe. Have you read The Body Keeps the Score by Van der Kolk? It’s long and very thorough as to how trauma brain works. Glad you are here with us. Sorry bad things happened to you.
AvaAvery,
I was able to remember by journaling and talking with our therapist. I started by making a “loss” chart for my life, of things I lost according to age. For me, this meant doing online research on court dates/prison records. It has also meant talking to some “safe” family members as well.
What do I mean by a loss chart. Age ___, xyz event, we included pets or other family member deaths, job loss or moves as an adult, (this could include marriage or significant relationship ending). Also it could help to make a collage of your interests by age. We started by making one with good and bad things from magazine cutouts. It also included info. on mental illness/stigma we are scared to face in the beginning.
2/1/17
some days we be doing better with this. even thowe we dont ever forget. are feet been feeling better some. exsept we acsidenly got hurt a cuople days ago real bad and we hurt are leg and now it be hurting so bad we cant sleep. so it be reminding us of old things. but ushally for a hole past 2 weeks are feet been better 🙂 now we just got to work on the rest of are body,
Good article here, but holy shizballs there’s a TON of EXTREMELY triggering and unnecessary stuff in the comments.
Might wanna look at that for the safety of those who read here looking for help. Esp when you offer more help in the comments.
Omg, i didn’t need to see any of that right now but whatever. People area reaching out which is good i spose.
But note to others: please have some common courtesy and DO NOT put your graphic trauma details public for the entire world to see. We’ve got enough of our own, we don’t need to read yours on what it supposed to be a ‘safe place’.
Ugh, i need to go settle my system and contain the truckload of crap that just got ignited.
Hi Astrie,
I am sorry but I had to giggle a little when I read your posting. You have such a bluntly honest way of expressing yourself! “Shizballs” just cracks me up.
I think that you have offered a great warning and heads up to everyone here no matter where we are posting or reading on the blog.
Just to extend your thoughts to anyone reading here (especially any newbies). I tend not to read comments from the far past … just what is more current. There was some negativity and venting of stuff in the past that I found disturbing so I don’t go there. If you do, skim and skip to what looks helpful (which for me is most often Kathy’s comments). If you start to feel triggered in any way by a posting, move on. If the triggering continues, let it go (i.e., stop reading) for another day when you are feeling stronger and able to read the comments. You control what you read here. Oh … and if you are feeling especially vulnerable, stick with Kathy’s words only until you are up to reading the comments. You always know that Kathy’s words are safe.
The other point is about what we write here. Personally, I am all for folks writing whatever they need to to tell their truth. I do not want folks to feel that anything that they have to say is not welcomed or heard. If your truth is into the nitty gritty of your trauma history, you might want to offer a *** trigger warning *** to folks to let them know that what follows may be triggering to others. Kathy most often does this as she moderates our postings but really the responsibility is ours to help one another and keep our space here safe. But, in the end, anything has potential for triggering so please do not feel stifled by that. Your truth is important to us all.
Just my thoughts to add to Astrie’s far more interesting read.
ME+WE