This blog article is a tribute to the mothers out there in the world that have spent huge chunks of their lives fighting for the safety / healing of their children.
These women are incredible spirits and are an inspiration to us all.
I know mothers who have absolutely gone the distance for their children. These women don’t get thanked often, but I do want to let them know that they are appreciated, recognized and deeply valued.
These mothers do a lot of things right.
- They listen attentively to their children, even if hearing the horror stories of abuse breaks their heart. They want to know what happened, and no matter how hard it is to hear, they listen to every single word.
- These mothers have clearly done a good job building communication with their children even before this point. Children have to know that it is okay to tell – “telling the secret” is often one of the biggest barriers in children getting help from their abuse. The children have to have someone safe to tell, someone they trust, someone that they can rely on to help them. If the mother hasn’t already built that kind of relationship with her children, she has drastically lowered the chances that her children will ever tell her their deepest secrets of abuse.
- These inspirational mothers do what it takes to protect their children from abusers, including leaving the perpetrator in whatever way is necessary – divorce, moving to another area of the country, going into a shelter, etc.
- They take assertive strong legal action against the perpetrator such as filing a report with child protective services, filing protective orders, pressing charges against the offender.
- They withstand the pressure from other friends and family members who may, for whatever reasons, oppose taking a strong stance against the perpetrator. These mothers know that protecting their children is more important than the approval of family members who want to hide embarrassing issues in the closet.
- These mothers are dedicated to finding helpful resources for their children’s therapy and treatment for sexual abuse. This is not always an easy task, and it might require a great deal of persistence, but these mothers will persist, for as long as it takes.
- These mothers sit with their children as they cry, they comfort their children after nightmares, they let their children cling to them when “being away from mommy” feels too scary. These mothers recognize that their children have been crime victims, that they have PTSD from their abuse, and that their neediness has skyrocketed. Good mothers let it be okay that their children need this extra time and attention to rebuild their emotional security again.
- These mothers are strong for their children, even when their heart is breaking. They get their own personal support system to help with their intense emotions (believe me, being the mother of an abused child is a highly emotional situation), and they find a way, place, and time to talk about their own grief and anger so that they can be present and available for their children.
- These mothers are brave enough to honestly assess the situation, and to look closely at how their children got tangled in an abusive situation. They learn from whatever mistakes were made, and correct them. They think back to see if there were any warning signs or high-risk factors that they missed, and learn how to handle things differently now that they are aware of the abuse. They figure out what to do in the future to keep their children safe from being abused in that particular way ever again.
- These mothers spend hours and hours of time with their children, even if they are acting-out and emotionally distraught from the abuse they suffered. The mothers temper their discipline with deep understanding that their children are acting out of their hurt, fear, pain, anger, etc. These moms realize that their children’s behavioral issues are not about the children being “bad”.
- These mothers provide new and positive activities for their children to help boost their tattered self-esteem and body image. They find recreational activities, or artistic activities, etc that give their children healthy feelings of acceptance, accomplishment, mastery, positive self-worth, creativity, growth, etc.
- Protective mothers will do everything in their power to help their children overcome the long-term negative effects of childhood sexual abuse. They are determined to not leave their children to suffer in silence and isolation. These mothers actively attend their needs, provide comfort, and help their children move forward as healthy, productive members of society.
Helping children recover from sexual abuse can be a long, difficult process, but if non-offending mothers are not willing to be protective and helpful for their children, the negative affects of the abuse can multiply and worsen through the years.
Untreated sexual abuse issues lead to all kinds of additional complicating factors such as addictions, promiscuity, self harm, depression, anxiety, mental health issues, repeated involvement in destructive relationships, angry behavior, destructive behavior, sexual acting out, hospitalizations, additional abuse, dissociative disorders, etc.
The cost of untreated sexual abuse truly multiplies exponentially over time.
Mothers who are willing to help and protect their children as close to the injury-point as possible are helping their children in the here-and-now, and creating a permanent and positive effect on their children’s lives. These mothers are also making a positive difference that can have a positive influence on society for years to come.
For those mothers who are willing to protect their children, here are my very best wishes that today is the most wonderful Mother’s Day for you. Thank you, thank you, thank you for helping your children.
You truly deserve a good Mother’s Day today, and everyday !
Warmly,
Kathy
Copyright © 2008-2018 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
Thank you so much for this blog on Mothers Day. Needed to see this today.
Thanks, Kathy. This is a great Blog. I hope to be that positive mom in the lives of my children. I think my mom was that mom for me.
Bravo! Excellent post. Thanks for sharing this today.
I realise that these posts were meant to be positive, but all we see is how our mother ticks all the indications of being a bad mother and fails to meet any of the traits of a good mother. Not a particularly nice thing to face.
Take care
Oh Castorgirl,
I’m so sorry… and yes, these posts are positive and/or educational for the mothers out there that do / did / will fight for their children’s safety. Unfortunately not all mothers put in such effort to do so. And then, recognizing how little a parent did, when it was genuinely their responsibility to do something – anything – to protect, well… that is a really painful realization. Yes, it is very hard to face, but maybe it helps you to understand more about why you had to dissociate and split to handle the trauma that happened in your life. If you didn’t get the comfort and support from someone, your mind had even more reason to separate from it. How else could a child manage??? If there was no help, no support, no medical attention, no someone to keep the thinking straight…. well, a young child just can’t manage all that on their own. The abuse scars them so much more…
I’m so sorry…
Kathy
Thank you for this. Unconditional love is the one thing that could have saved me as a child, and is the thing I have been most diligent about giving my children.
I am writing about my recovery from trauma in my blog at:
http://reunitedselves.blogspot.com/
I have spent the last two years “integrating” different parts of me, learning how to control and handle severe mood swings and panic attacks, and generally healing from the abuse of my childhood. I find it really helpful to read other people’s stories and approaches to healing.
Hi Shenison,
Thank you for your comment, and welcome to the DiscussingDissociation blog.
Thanks for sharing the link to your blog. It sounds like you have been doing a whole lot of emotional healing work – good for you. And it is excellent that you have been able to love your children.
And yes, connecting with other survivors, and sitting alongside with them, sharing stories, feeling understood, recognizing each other’s pain — all that is really helpful in the healing process. You certainly are not alone – the best news since the internet has arrived – is that no matter where you live, you don’t have to be alone in your pain anymore. There are other survivors out there that can understand and sit with you.
Have you considered joining a group forum? SurvivorForum is an excellent forum for dissociative trauma survivors. The group works really hard at supporting each other, and because the sections in the Therapeutic Membership sections are private to the members only, there is a good depth of personal sharing that goes on there. Since listening to other survivors is particularly helpful for you, that might be a good option to consider.
I wish you the best in your healing journey – and I hope you come here again and again.
Kathy
aha! I checked that I wanted to recieve notifications of comments with my second post and got one for this one, finally! I didn’t see that I could do that before, so I hadn’t seen this comment.
Thank you for reading and all your kind words. I will check out survivorforum right now.
Darn it, I tried to register and it said there was an error in sending me the confirmation. Then I tried again and it said there is already a member with that email adress.
Let me know if you have any suggestions. I really wish I could have gotten in to look around. I am struggling today and everyone seems to be away.
Shenison —
It actually did let you register at SF the first time. I don’t know why that silly forum thingy says that error message — it’s driving me nuts and confusing people with it’s ridiculousness !!! But it does take a bit of time for us to manually admit someone after they register — so it’s not an instant process (helps to keep more of those spammers out by doing it that way).
Anyway — the good news is — I’ve activated your registration now, and you are able to see and participate on the Survivor Support side of SurvivorForum. Thanks for joining, and welcome to SF!! It’s a great place to be when you are feeling lonely, and there are people there, and you will certainly be welcomed into the group.
I look forward to reading more of your posts —
Warmly,
Kathy
I’m presently & always will be one of these/those mothers. My daughter was recently diagnosed with DID. It was VERY heart wrenching to realize what had happened to her. We sent her to church camp that she wanted to go to…little did I know it would also be the one place her life would change forever. She is 18yrs now, her personalities are just know telling us her story and what happened. She remembers nothing. I’m fighting left and right to get the help she DESERVES and needs. Living in a small community, there just isn’t a lot to offer. So I’m on the phone constantly fighting for her. I can’t imagine not doing this for her. She is my world. I feel very blessed to have her for a daughter. Would I wish something different for her. ABSOLUTELY…together we are learning and the love I have for her grows stronger each day.
i can’t by any stretch of my imagination imagine a mother who would be like this. its inconceivable. 🙁
myhartherts:(
i wanted to try reading this, this year, but it was just too hard.
🙁
My ex-husband is a Schizophrenic he has told me invisible men has went through him to hurt our only daughter of 2 years old. He said they would show him aweful things being done to our daughter and they make her diaper area look different to him sometimes. He told me these invisible men would only let him see his daughter in a daze sometimes and that they have a microphone in his ear! Since hearing this I didn’t allow our daughter around him without me and my ex-husband didn’t seem to mind he was actually the one that told me she wasn’t safe around him. But his mom found out I wasn’t going to let her grand daughter come to her house anymore because that’s were her son my daughters father lives. She worked through her son (knowing his condition) to take our child from me 10 street days this month. My 2year old daughter will be alone with the man described above for hours while her grandmother is at work. All of this because the court has refused to hear my side of this story. I just want my baby safe and to explain why I have made the decisions I have. Someone Please Help!!!
I dont think mothers like this actually exist.
I have never met one.
pretty sure theyre a myth.
there dont relly be moms like this. not for rel. i wud never balef it.
Hello Dear Nobody,
I know that it is really hard to believe and I certainly understand that this is not your experience (not mine either). But, there are some really kind moms out there because I have met them. I try to be a kind mother-figure for my little ones. I rock them and cuddle them and hold them really, really tight and protect them when bad things are happening and play with them when they want to and do things that they like and tell them that I love them all of the time. Maybe you have a big person in your life who can do this with you?
I would like to send you a whole bunch of soft, cuddly hugs if you are okay with that. If not, we can just sit quietly and know that we are safe together.
ME+WE
🐥🐶🐱🍦❤️
We don’t know if we ever could have been a “mom” like this….we were too afraid to EVER have any Outside kids….we were afraid we were going to turn into “him”….we were SO afraid….so we didn’t want nothing to do with no kids….NO kids!..AT ALL…..we might turn into “him”…..NOT GOOD….NOT GOOD….
MissyMing
03/21/20
Young parts must be getting triggered more and more…..woke up from a nightmare this morning about Ma not seeing us….hearing us….helping us…..Why doesn’t she “see” we are scared? Frozen?
When we can’t (or – maybe – don’t WANT to – or don’t know HOW to see) what is going on Inside…it will sure enough come out in dreams…and the parts can give a pretty intense picture of how things felt to them….brain says, “Uh- uh! That’s not how it was!” – but “gut” says, “Oh, YEAH! It WAS to US!” “Adult” brain doesn’t know how to connect to “Insiders'” brains…….Brain logic says one thing – gut feelings say something else….confusion, confusion, confusion……
It is hard to look at….we knew we were scared around Daddy….to acknowledge Ma wasn’t (or most likely didn’t know HOW to be) there either is WAY, WAY hard….that means we were alone….what is a kid supposed to do with THAT??!! …..
MissyMing
03/27/20
Hi MissyMing,
Three points that I want to comment on here:
1. Oh ya, dreams can be a big, important source of information from the well of the sub-conscious. My T suggested that I ask myself a question before I go to sleep (nothing traumatic) and see what bubbles up in my dreams. I think that when we sleep the conscious mind is relaxed so that the subconscious mind can speak. I use mediation in the same way.
2. It is such a complex yet intriguing treasure hunt that we are on here. I know that what we are finding is not the wonderful treasures that bring us joy but in a way they do because they offer us our lifetime of memories that have been hidden away behind dissociative walls. No matter how horrible those memories may be, I am thankful to find and take ownership of my life narrative. Okay, I got a bit off topic here. We have to be continually mindful that much of what we are seeking is held in our child’s mind. As such, we have to see what they offer us in that light — a child’s interpretation of what happened.
3. I think that our mothers lived in their own dissociative worlds too afraid, dysfunctional, damaged, etc. to see. That does not absolve them from their responsibilities nor forgive them for their neglect. It just explains what happened. My mother chose not to see. She says that I gained a lot of weight in a six week period when I was 4 years old (how more in-your-face could that have been) and instead of asking what was wrong, she made me believe all of my life that I was wrong to have inflicted that on her. My weight problem has been in her face for 61 years and still she has never asked what was wrong. Okay, so I need to add a huge dollop of narcissism to my mother’s dissociative ways!
ME+WE
03/30/20
Thanks for the points, Me+We! #2 is the biggie struggle for me right now….what is “symbolic”? What is “real”? What is a child’s “exaggerated” perception?….All of it is so confusing…..Dissociative walls came from denial to begin with….Now which part of the “child’s perception” needs to stay in that denial because it is actually exaggerated perception?
I KNOW that in the nightmare my mother was not REALLY a “zombie”…..but evidently the inability to “connect” with her was felt very strongly…and it terrified the “child” who was in desperate need of “rescuing”….. The “zombie” part was not “real”….but the “felt” abandonment was “real” to the “child”…….
How symbolic is “symbolic”? Trying to figure it out when you basically have only “flashes” to work with is a frustrating journey….the only thing that keeps me from feeling TOTALLY crazy is that my sister has similar angles of “flashes”…..similar angles of “panic”…..so it must NOT just be “my imagination”……
Both of my parents had dysfunctional childhoods – so they were dealing with their own struggles while trying to raise us…each swimming in their own personal pain as they were trying to teach US “to swim”………it didn’t work out real well sometimes……You can’t give what you don’t have……But – as you said – it still doesn’t make what all happened to us “all right”……
So we keep plowing on….working on seeing and understanding who all we are….Thanks for all your insight!…..
MissyMing
03/31/20
Hi MissyMing,
Personally, I do not feel that it matters what the exact specifics of the symbolism is or the accuracy of the child’s perceptions or if the memories are exaggerated or not. What matters is how I feel. The other just gives me clues to why I am having these feelings. The exact reconstruction of where those feelings came from does not matter to me. Heck, I cannot exactly recreate without perceptions and exaggerations traumas that have happened to me as an adult that I am perfectly capable of being aware of. I learned to loose my obsession with details and “exact truth” and just accept the feelings as what was important. Yes, I have tried to construct some sense of what happened to explain the feelings, flashbacks and body memories that I have but I do not fuss knowing all of the details or all of the memories that go with the feelings.
ME+WE
04/03/20
Wow…don’t know what is going on….but SO MUCH exhaustion now….had suddenly caught a glimpse of THAT is why the parts are SO, SO on guard….we must have been (or “felt”) completely alone…Parts had to take on “jobs” that should have been done by “parents”…but we weren’t seeing it happen…..so “parts” have been doing it for us….STILL…..and “parts” are extremely good at their “jobs”…….
We woke up yesterday morning…totally groggy…could not function….went back to bed and “passed out” for another 4 1/2 hours….still could barely function…kept falling asleep during “TV watching time” with hubby who had to keep backing up on every show….(his mouth said “You must have needed it”….so why does he seem SO irritated that I wasn’t paying attention???….I HATE statements and actions that are conflicting….too much confusion…..)
Don’t know what is going on Inside….some parts feel a bit more “relaxed” (the reason for the exhaustion?)…..others are getting “panicky” about “relaxing”…..hard enough when you keep seeing “conflicting” stuff on the Outside….dealing with it Inside, too can leave you in a stupor of confusion…..
But, at least, my body is getting some “rest”…..I have functioned on very minimal sleep for so long…..
MissyMing
03/29/20
Hi MissyMing,
Wow … I can so relate. Some (often times) times I just need a big sleep. Actually, as a general rule, I need a lot of sleep. I also often need a big sleep right after my therapy session. Other times, one of my insiders will put me to sleep (I have not figured out which one yet). So, sure does sound like things are getting processed inside and that is making you extra tired. I think that our brains need this shut-down time to sort and figure things out.
ME+WE
03/30/20
Just wish it didn’t make me feel so OLD!!! 🙂
MissyMing
03/31/20
LOL … I cannot believe that I am as old as I am. I just celebrated my 65th birthday last month while staying at a retirement residence (average age 85). We were there for care after my husband’s hip replacement surgery. It was quite something to become an official senior citizen (I am eligible for Old Age Security now!) while residing at a retirement residence. On the one hand, we felt very young in comparison to our residence mates but sadly old and shopping for our future … hahaha
ME+WE
04/03/20
I hit 65 in January….it was like a big slap in the face when i was required to start the Medicare process…..did NOT like that idea at all….been trying to deny the “aging” part and then the government says I HAVE to admit it…..
Still want to be in my 30’s…but the mirror says obviously otherwise….WOW! What do I do with THAT!!! I can see “hip surgery” looming ahead for me…my hip tells me it is there every night on the way home from work….ugh…..
MissyMing
04/05/20
That is the wonderful thing about having DID dear MissyMing … there are always parts inside of us who will stay young forever! 😉 I am not sure who is shocked more about each birthday — ME or my WEs. Certainly I know that my Tom part told a friend that he does not look in the mirror because when he does an old woman looks back at him and that scares him. Scares me too! … hahaha
ME+WE
04/09/20
Oh, my! I cracked up about the mirror part!….Sometimes “I” look in the mirror and go “WHO are YOU?!”…..What I “feel” like doesn’t match what I see….I guess that’s pretty normal for people who don’t want to admit that age is tsunami-ing in!
MissyMing
04/14/20
I wish i had a mom like that. I wish there was sombody that loved me enoff to do these things.
My mama she be too atached to my dad. She puts him 1st. Probally he made her. He didnt want me to belong to her. He wanted to have me instead. And she dont ever ever ever fight with him. My dad always say your mother refuses to even arguw.
So she didnt.
I wish i belonged to somebody,
I wish i had somebody who smiled when they saw me. Like when i come in a room.
Mothers day be in 5 weeks. We hate mothers day.