Once upon a time, my little boy grew up. He grew, and he grew, and he grew until he was big enough to live by himself.
Then that day came….
That terrible horrible lousy no-good day when I had to help my son move into his own place. Gosh. I really dreaded that day.
It was truly a terrible horrible lousy no-good day.
It was a lot of work. There were boxes upon boxes to haul, big pieces of furniture to carry, bags of fresh groceries to buy, cabinets to stock.
My fun-loving son, a big ol’ tall galoot of a guy, was thrilled with the idea of having his own place, and I’ll admit, he did a great job in looking around, and found a perfect location that worked just right for him. It was a beautiful property, with great landscaping, lots of privacy, good neighbors, and plenty of room for that big ol’ dog to go too. (See the puppy in that picture? He certainly didn’t stay small like that!)
My son had been preparing for this week for a long time. He was eager to get out on his own, and couldn’t be more proud of himself.
I was very happy for him. He really did well picking a great place. I had to agree with that, darn it.
He was determined to “man up” to the job of having his very own place, all to himself. He had been planning. He was gaining his independence. He was acting with courage. He was stepping up.
And that was good, very good. He was the right age to be doing so, he had a good job. He planned to complete his education at an excellent university. Living out on his own was exactly what he should be doing.
I’ll just miss him. 
A lot.
A lot, and a lot, and a lot.
He’s very precious to me.
He always has been, and always will be.
It’s times like these… when it’s hard to speak out loud because of that lump in my throat — when all I can feel is that deep heart-connection I have with my son, and the heart-wrenching grief I felt at his moving on.
It’s time like that which make it so incredibly unfathomable for me to actually understand version of family abuse.
How any mother can be so emotionally removed from her children that she hands them over to be hurt?
I’m not referring to the mothers whose children get hurt when the mother isn’t able to prevent that from happening.
I’m speaking about the mothers who are capable of preventing the abuse, and just don’t. They let it happen. They make it happen.
How do they do that?
How can they be okay with the fact that their children are hurting?
How can they be okay with the idea of hurting their own children?
When it comes right down to it, these abuser-mothers are a mystery to me. I can understand some “head knowledge”, and I can give you some intellectual explanations, yada, yada, yada.
But do I emotionally understand it?
Nope. Not for one second.
My heart does not understand the heartlessness of mother-perpetrators. My heart absolutely does not understand that.
- Who are these women?
- What keeps those mothers from attaching to their children?
- What prevents them from bonding to them?
- How can they not have a pull in their hearts when their children are hurting?
I just don’t get it.
Warmly,
Kathy
Copyright © 2008-2021 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
We remember telling our T when we were pregnant with our son how we were going to end up screwing up so bad as a parent. We were terrified that he would be scarred for life and hate us.
Our mother was the first person to abuse this body. There are several parts instead that seem to be mirror images of her. Exact replicas. One even has her name.
I’m shamed to admit that this one part of us we intentionally kept from coming to the surface by way of wall after wall after wall.
So deeply and fearfully we prevented her from functioning out here that she still truly believes herself to be this body’s biological mother.
The anger she has toward me, Alisha, because I wanted to prevent MY children from being hurt, it is HUGE!!
Last year, that part of us, made this body extremely sick because we wouldn’t go back to where the abuse happened. It took a lot of patience to get through that time. Now she’s confused. We’ve found out that those who she was attached to are no longer alive or in the same location as she was used to and now we can see that part of us as a very, VERY young, scared, maybe even angry part (even though she’s still claiming being older)
We are probably rambling on and on.
We too have had one of our children move out. In fact our oldest, a son, got married over a year ago to a delightful young lady.
Our daughter is 19 and is working towards getting into college soon. They both apparently love us very much, which shocks us all.
Alisha Et Al
sad sad sad sad sad
there dont be mothers day cards that say the things we want to say 🙁
i wish ther did be sombudy nise to be rownd for mothers day
i wish a mom did love me
that wud be so nise to fel in side
we wont muthes day to be ovr
sad day
lots uv hhurt harts here
Mother’s Day being tomorrow I am a mess and have been all week. My mom’s birthday was just 2 weeks ago then mother’s day and it is all A LOT to deal with in such a short time. I am learning a lot from the blogs that Kathy has written and from the comments from others. I am very thankful for all of the time and effort Kathy puts into this and the survivorforum. I am also thankful for all of you who are willing to make comments about your own situations, opinions, experiences. It really helps me.
I wish I could relate to Kathy and her son’s relationship. But I cannot. I know it is something we want to so badly. I can relate so much to what juliewtf said:
“””I am certainly not suggesting that it should be the only focus of ones life. Just the occasional realization of it, is usually enough to bring someone to their knees. It is a pain that shakes and hurts the very core of someone. An emptiness that can ever ever ever be filled. No matter how many wonderful, healthy relationships they have. It is a pain,that there are no words for, because it is not suppose to exist, but it does.”””
This is so true for us. It is a daily trauma inside. The search for someone to love us like a mother. We are all stuck in time – youngsters. I am the oldest at 17 (body is 37) and we are all on hold waiting to be adopted by a mom who will love us, hold us, hug us, do fun things with us, etc. It DOES bring us to our knees daily. Sometimes more than once a day. No one here knows how to get past this. Our therapist gets the brunt of our pain, our wishing, hoping, begging. The little ones do not understand why she will not adopt us. She COULD but she WONT so there is something terribly wrong with us. It is the inside dirt. The dirty rotten filth we have inside of all of us
*************************************************************************
possible triggering info below ***********************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
from “turning on” our gymnastics coach and “making” him rape us. It has to be the dirt otherwise why wouldn’t she want to hug us? It just has to be the dirt. Unfortunately we have tried to clean the dirt but it is not possible to clean. It is permanent.
I, HaleyC, can understand why she cannot legally adopt us but a virtual adoption would be good. Just someone who cares that we can hang onto. I don’t understand why she will not play with the little ones, blow bubbles with them, swing, etc. Sometimes I think seeing her and having to leave causes more trauma than the trauma itself. One of the alters inside – on of the gymnasts (H2) – says she will get raped and again and again just for the therapist to please just love us. For her it is like a payment. You (H2) must pay yourself, give your most private thing, in exchange for a little love to fill the empty heart with. A little drop of love.
And H2 goes looking for coach. He only lives 8 miles from us – free as a bird. He served 10 years free probation. We are still serving ours. And worse than all of this is that our mom does not believe this happened to us, but if it did we had it coming. This is what she said and still says.
I am sorry to go on so much but I feel I am really losing it and I am going down fast.
Kathy, if you ever read this would you dump us as a client(s) because we daily begged you to adopt us? And inside children had fits about it? Just wondering how you would handle this and your “take” on it.
To everyone above who commented and struggle with mothers and a mother’s love you are not alone and I wish I knew how to help you.
HaleyC
I am certainly not suggesting that it should be the only focus of ones life. Just the occasional realization of it, is usually enough to bring someone to their knees. It is a pain that shakes and hurts the very core of someone. An emptiness that can ever ever ever be filled. No matter how many wonderful, healthy relationships they have. It is a pain,that there are no words for, because it is not suppose to exist, but it does.
Hi Mae,
I don’t believe you’re bad. I know you believe that, but I really don’t think that’s true.
I feel sad for you. You deserve a good mom too, you really do! I’m sorry she was not like that. I have read some of the things you wrote and I think you’re actually a nice person. Just the way you are.
Cynthia
are mom dont be like that . thats who that women be.
her onle be that way cos her had me for a dottr
if her had a good dotter then her wud be a good mom
you be a good mom cos you got good kids
if i did be born and be yor dotter you wudnt fel that way
i no it
i did ust to want a rel mom like moms on tv
like the mom on litol house on the prarei
or the dad on my 3 sons
or the brady buntch
but then i figyer out that no mater who i have for a momy or dady
i wud make them bad
and if i did go to sombodys famley i wud ruin it and make the famle bad 🙁
becos that who i be
so after that i dont want a mom no more cos i wud brake her
just like i brake my mommy
you do got a big hart kafy
yor son be verey lukky
My mom told me she used 3 forms of birth control after her second child, she got me and had my birth induced so she could get her tubes tied before a local ordinance went into effect against the practice in the 50’s.
My mom physically, sexually, psychologically and spiritually ravaged me and more when she turned me over to her satanist father. I believe my mom was split due to sra and there are at least 3 generations of brother/sister incest in my mom’s family. I decided the best description of my relationship to my mom is “Stockholm Syndrome”. She demanded my loyalty and my listening ear. She projected a lot of her fears and anger onto me. I do not remember any hugs or affectionate words and remember being pushed away when I sought to hug her. I finally began, by age 10 to become needless. If I needed nothing then having nothing becomes acceptable instead of bewildering, lonely and shameful. At this time I began living an “anti-life”. I stopped growing and becoming and used my energy to NOT BE LIKE THEM. It was my only life goal, though it was twisted logic.
I did try hard to not strangle my children with my issues or stand in their light and block their growth. But, “Hurt people, Hurt People”. I can see more clearly where they are wounded or limited by things they did or did not learn from their dad and me/ One thing I believe I did well was apologise and explain. I never heard ONE “i’m sorry” from any abuser, ever. I would have forgiven my parents anything if they only said, “I’m sorry”.
This is a sore topic for me lately as some things are coming up and I’m accessing feelings more often. I came home sad and angry still after working with my T and most of me thought, “I wish I had a mommy”. we love our stuffie, rustybear – but he can only give so much comfort!
I’m not expecting a response, I am just venting and wishing the numbness would give way to more real feelings.
Bottom line: my mom was a bitch who could have moonlighted for a concentration camp and fit in perfectly. As ugly as those words may sound I am actually holding back on many things I would not want to have you read. You all have enough suffering, I want to vent, but I don’t want to hurt you all.
multipixie9
i don’t like what they told you about her. she was not nice but i feel yukky when we talk about her. i don feel nuffin abowt her an they keep sayin stuff to wake me up inside my heart. not sure i has a heart.
leli
“Who are these women?
What keeps those mothers from attaching to their children?
What prevents them from bonding to them?
How can they not have a pull in their hearts when their children are hurting”
All very good questions, all ones that I ask again and again in therapy and never resolve. It’s unimaginable yet it’s the story of my childhood…how can a mother care more for her own needs than the needs of her child? Will anyone ever understand this? Will I?
http://crackersandjuice.squarespace.com
-Tempy
Hey Folks,
Just wanted to add here that this topic and everyones comments on it really helped. Yesterday I got a call from mom “Nice you called for Mothers Day but I think we need to have a talk about our relationship” This began a litany of things supposedly wrong with me which I interrupted with “Actually, we dont actually have a relationship” which startled her into “But you dont even know me!” Nowhere does it even occur to her that its actually she who hasnt a clue who I am.
Then she switched gears a few times into martyr, “what your father did to me”, “I never Knew” he was sleeping around, etc. To which I finally said “You did know, you just didnt want to, and instead of making some different choices with your life, you took out your frustrations on me” to which she was “What did I EVER do to you but love you – Sacrifice for You! You are Just Like Your Father” – I guess this was supposed to be some special weapon thrust out of the weapons cabinet to which I drolly said “well, you can say whatever you want, but quite frankly at this point your punches are pretty impotent”
She kept bringing up all this revisionist version of past stuff and I said “Look, if you want some sort of relationship than you can try to in the present, but I am not interested in going into any of this past stuff with you”
Then she went on trying victim of dad role, martyr mom etc “but I Sacrificed for you” – to which I finally got tired of the whole ordeal and said “well, you just keep telling yourself that but I need to get to work” and I hung up.
I am done with being her caretaker and beating board. I called on mothers day because I just do get suckered into thinking that some degree of normalcy can actually occur. But any contact with her just gives her the opportunity to dwell on some aspect of something I said or didnt say and instead of facing her own life, decide to find something wrong with me to distract herself with. I am not playing this game any more. Nor am I going to keep getting ensnared by thinking that somehow there can be some gear called normal with someone who just refuses to take any responsibility whatsoever for their life or choices, or get any help for herself.
I am also really sick of a lifetime of hearing about her sexual issues.
The postings here and on emotional parentification were really helpful, and I wanted to come on here and Thank you all for some much needed reality orientation.
Take Care,
Kathy
You have given your son a gift, like many you’ve already given. The pride of a mother to see her son move out into the world independent and strong brings such a wonder. The pride is a mother’s gift from her child without them knowing.
We’ve had one son leave and start a life on his own, only to have that turn into the worse loss a mother can experience. Now our youngest is readying himself to go off to college, the pride and anxiety is huge, like oil welling up to the surface.
I’m not sure about attachment, each of us here who have been “mom” have wondered at our own abilities in that area. It is hard to know since we have no sense of what a mother’s love or safety feels like. We know from books and watching others, not from personal experience.
The biological mother was one of our primary abusers; emotional, physical and sexual. A good day was when she neglected to notice us. Our other abusers made sure there was no attachment, we were left with another for the first 6-9 months of our life. Then the mother was given instructions on how to control us and encouraged to vent her anger and perversions. There was no one to take her place. A mother this cruel is hard to even describe.
When we found the body with child we feared for our ability to be a ‘real’ mother. We read everything, took a child development class, worked very very hard with a therapist on how to attach. When our son was born it was humbling.
A mother’s love is a powerful essence.
Nikie…
Nikie,
You’ve certainly had sooo much to deal with when it comes to mothers, having a mother, being a mother, feeling such grief and loss as a mother — not one element of “motherhood” has been easy for you. I am very impressed that you have worked so hard to learn the best mothering skills that you could. Clearly you weren’t shown by your own mother how to mother (egads about her!!!!). But knowing you went looking, searching, reading, thinking, working so hard to figure out what a good mother does – well, that’s very good. You certainly knew what NOT to do and I commend you for putting in the effort to overcome that. I would be willing to bet that you did a whole lot better at your mothering than you might realize…
And you’ve summed it up well: A mother’s love is a powerful essence. How true… When children feel loved, it makes all the difference in the world.
I hope you all keep working on these very painful issues, Nikie … you all have so much hurt still inside….
Thinking of you,
Kathy
First off, Kathy – Thank you so very much for your comments to me, they are incredibly appreciated.
I have managed to be able to attach to some very special, kind and good people over the years, and to maintain healthy attachments, for example I still have my best friend from 3rd grade, and a wonderful accepting kind and loving husband of 10 years.
I do not know what made my being able to positively attach to people actually possible as there just was no safe adult in my childhood. Maybe it was something about how my internal system worked together, as I just always did understand all along to keep my own internal counsel on things, no matter what I had to be on the outside.
But my own ability of positive attachment has been commented upon frequently by people, as well as my T’s of years. (actually this was just commented on again to me today by my writing T 🙂
Something about me has some amazing ability of attachment. Its been commented that I just do not have any pretense, so maybe its something about this, as many very severely psychotic populations who dont normally trust much of anyone have always just opened up to me quite remarkably and lucidly. So maybe I just am in the wrong line of work LOL!
But anyway – Thank you very much for your comments to me, they are incredibly appreciated.
I also wanted to offer comment to Julie. I do not know what healing from such mothering would be, but I am thinking it does have to do with can one attach, and if this is what healing is, than I just do think both you Julie and I are actually able to attach to people in our lives, if this attachment ability is what is considered health, then I think we already are in it.
But I entirely agree with what you write about how impossible it is for anyone with even the most minimal of positive mothering to even be able to conceive of what we try to describe of our mothers. Its like such reality just is so impossible to convey to anyone who has themselves had some degree of positive mothering. Its like our mothers were so anathema to what people can conceive of as mother that they just have utterly no frame of reference for what we experienced in our mothers.
There is a movie called “An American Tragedy” based on a true story from the 50’s. This I believe best describes what just is otherwise utterly incomprehensible to convey.
Interestingly my husband was the first and only person I ever experienced who just would not fall for a single one of my mothers so incredible abilities to suck people in. It was amazing to watch her when she tried her thing on him, and got utterly startled by her inability to with him. It was the weirdest thing I have ever seen. He stood there refusing to sit, but just stood there listening to her and watching patiently as she suddenly went thru a rapid fire series of utterly bizarre switches, trying smiling, then crying, then anger, then child, then then then as he just stood there impassively watching her, and she realized that whatever this was before her – she just could not find the proper channel to manipulate or even choose. It was amazing to watch. I was in what just would happen to me near her, I was like almost a shell of myself, all shut down and closed in and obediently sitting there and it just was amazing to watch that she just had absolutely no power with this so very gentle man. I dont think I have ever seen her quite the same since, it was like I finally saw her as he was able to – as something just not at all real or significant or actually powerful at all.
Anyway, you are right, we will never know what this mother object is that others have experienced so fully that they just have no frame of reference for what its like to grow up where your mother just is the most dangerous object there is.
There is no safety in the word mother to me – mother and safety just are an oxymoron.
I do agree with you that this just is so something that can never be filled but I think I must have decided early on that my being able to recognize her as dangerous, at least gave me a sense of how to be what mothering I needed unto myself within.
So external mothers and what people normally conceive of with that word mother – I just dont get this.
Without safety there just is no such thing as mother. That this word Mother be used was insisted upon externally, but what mothering I got as the word is conceived of – I only got from within.
I valued my role as her caretaker, and I felt such extreme loss when she would slice out of perceiving me in that role and lash out at me.
Now I am just relieved to no longer feel responsible for her upbringing. I now maintain extremely limited contact, and its only when I choose to, and she is so incredibly self involved, and now so blatantly obviously so, that I just do not even feel guilt anymore with regards to her. This is huge.
The mother hole? I dont know, I guess I filled that within myself.
Kathy,
I mean no offense to you or anyone else.
I do not think it is possible to “heal” from the mothering thing. It is a far cry from having a bad mom, or mom that wasnt there. It was having a *mother* figure, someone that was suppose to be there. But they perverted it, in every way. They took the most basic human need and destroyed it. Turned it inside out, trampled it. A child is born with instant love, dependence and trust in their mother. For someone to take that and destroy it, can never be healed.
You may push that away your whole life and pretend it doesnt matter. You might even come to a point in your life, that you look at it, straight on. You may look for and form other relationships in your life, but you will never, ever have that first, most important one. You can move on from it and not dwell on it, but you cannot heal from it.
It is really hard for someone who has any slightly positive attachment to their mother, to truly know what it is like. They may have empathy, understanding, compassion, but will never ever know what it is like to not have the most basic thing in life. I am glad that they havent experienced it. Really I am.
I am certainly not suggesting that it should be the only focus of ones life. Just the occasional realization of it, is usually enough to bring someone to their knees. It is a pain that shakes and hurts the very core of someone. An emptiness that can ever ever ever be filled. No matter how many wonderful, healthy relationships they have. It is a pain,that there are no words for, because it is not suppose to exist, but it does.
Neither of my parents were what I call “primary abusers”. For me there are 3 levels of abusers- primary abusers who are the ones who regularly physically and sexually and spiritually abused me. Secondary abusers who emotionally abused me, neglected my needs and occassionally physically abused me. And tertiary abusers who used my brokenness for their entertainment or gain but did not directly harm me and those who knew about what was happening and though not involved, did nothing.
Both of my parents are secondary abusers. The idea of parentification sums up a lot of it. My father was a survivor of the same abuses I suffered. He had dissociative identity disorder and possibly bipolar disorder as well. He never received treatment for any of this. Some of his people were always angry at me. They occassionally physically abused me and they constantly yelled at me. Others of his people knew what was happening (I think) and either did nothing or aided it happening. We don’t know which and the search for that information has caused more harm and setbacks than good for so now we leave it lie. Finally, some of his people were children who expected me to be their parent. They often treated me as the go between with my mother, using me the way fighting siblings use their mother to smooth things over and deliver messages. He was always very depressed and eventually died as a result of passive suicide.
My mother is a very emotionally damaged woman. She has never grown up. I have always been her parent. Her only parenting moments came in a way that was much like a young girl playing with a baby doll. Her ineptness, naivety and elective blindness to anything bad around her helped my primary abusers to get to me without fear. She has always made everything about her (including when I have tried to tell about my abuse) and her emotional needs.
My mother’s mother was a good woman who just genuinely never knew what was going on with her daughter. Had she seen, my mother might have gotten help. I see this, and regret it, but do not blame her.
My father’s mother was one of his primary abusers I think. I know she helped my grandfather abuse me, but I am not sure if this was because she wanted to or out of fear for her own life. Either way it is unacceptable, and as it did not end with his death I hold her responsible. She victimized/helped her husband victimize all her children and grandchildren. I believe she may be multiple as well as sometimes I see her being a good grandmother and talking about her children in loving ways and at other times I see the abuser. I am not sure at all about that though. I do know that of her 3 children, 2 became multiple. The rampant dissociation in my family certianly argues for the prescence of a gene that allows us to do this 🙂
Anyway, I have seen in my own family all the types of mothers you describe. I desperately want to be a good mother when the time comes and a good stepmum to my stepdaughters. I don’t understand what makes a mom turn out good or bad, but I do think that healing and receiving psychological help for one’s own issues are critical. It is one of the main considerations that keeps me on this road when it gets hardest.
Congratulations Kathy on raising a fine young man. You have given him security and confidence to become the best him he can be. You should be very very proud. I know it must hurt for him to leave, but when it gets bad, remember he is only a phone call away. Hold tight to your puggies and have happy thoughts of grandchildren, lol
your a great mother. your son is lucky to have you. some moms just never learn how to be moms. or what they learned was really bad from their moms. i worry about not being able to bond or attach to my children because i’ve been abuse so badly in my childhood. its one of my deepest fears, but i guess that says something if i’m thinking about it and am afraid. I live with my adoptive mother and pretty soon, not to soon i will have to find my independence and i think she will feel the same way as you. she jokes that she is ready for me to move out but i know deep down inside we haven’t had enough time together. i’ve never lived alone, and before me she was always alone. its a complicated thing, but i’m glad i finally have someone like her in my life. and i know when i am ready to move out and strike out on my own she will be there just like you were for your son.
and don’t worry, you will be the first person he calls when he needs something, so much so that you’ll eventually get sick of it. And if he is anything like any of my friends he’ll be back home every weekend eating your food and doing his laundry.
littlest survivor,
Thank you for your kind words. And it sounds like you have found a great new home with someone who really cares for you in a much healthier way. You were so painfully abused earlier in your life, but now, you can also learn how to love – how to connect – how to care for others from your new adoptive mother. You are so fortunate to have found her – she can really make a huge difference in your life. Follow her example, and learn all that you can. And, considering all that you have had to overcome in your life, I really encourage you to take as much time as you need to live with her and to meet some of those early unmet needs. You’ve got a lot to recover from – I hope there is no rush to move out of there. You’re clearly doing something right to have found an adoptive mother who clearly cares for you – cherish that relationship and make the most of this chance for some deep healing.
And yes, I bet you’re right about my becoming the cook / laundromat facility, lol. So true of college students, lol….
Keep up the good work –
Kathy
Who are these women?
They are not adult women, they are children in adult bodies, frozen in their attachments to their mothers who hurt them and unable to even recognize you as an actual child.
What keeps those mothers from attaching to their children?
They so fear the abandonment they experienced as children that they see abandonment in every step their children make in development and initiative.
Instead of recognizing their children as their own children, they see their child as the so hated and cast off pieces of themselves, and they try to beat this out of you, and merely end up repeating a past they themselves just cannot escape.
What prevents them from bonding to them?
Their inability to recognize their children as something other than themselves, as something separate and unique and present before them.
They project upon their children the power to hurt them, instead of being able to recognize that it is their own child that is vulnerable and in need of their adult protection and care.
They are jealous of their husbands inappropriate attentions to the child, and seek to punish the child, instead of face the reality that they themselves are choosing to stay with some husband who does not love them.
They blame the child for what they hate in themselves, or their lives.
Such mothers are unable/unwilling to accept responsibility nor the consequences of waking up to the reality of having had a mother that just did not love them, or now a husband who just does not love them. So they take out their rage, despair, and desperation on the only things that are in their power to – their own split off aspects they project upon their children.
These are the mothers that should never have had children – not the woman above who was concerned and aware and trying to offer what she can. A mother needs not be perfect, just good enough to be able to recognize, support, protect and be aware of ones children.
How can they not have a pull in their hearts when their children are hurting?
My mother would cheerily describe how she used to bleed when whipped while it was actually me bleeding. She was unable to recognize that she had just done this to me, she was lost in some past where she thought this is parenting. She was unable to recognize that what she had done “for my own good” – hadnt actually done her any good at all.
Later if I flinched, or looked at her in wary fear she would feel I was condemning her – and beat me for reminding her of her being a less than perfect mother. “Why cant you just get over things?!” I got accused of this alot, but she was unable to see that actually it was her, is her, that has never gotten over, nor faced even now her own responsibility in things. Now she blames dad and its all “I never knew_______” and so much self pity for what all he did to her.
Such mothers just are incapable of empathy for their children. At best they parentify them so the child is actually turned to as a surrogate parent. This at least offers the child some temporary moments of relative safety, and a role that is not merely that of hunted prey.
Mom tried daily to be the perfect mom, and when the extraordinary effort involved in making everything “wonderful” inevitably collapsed, then she would find reasons to vent her rage upon me. Then temporarily relieved of her own pent up stress, would then take us out for icecream.
She was incapable of any neutral gear. It was the L word or “everything is wrong” – and then later, after she had vented her rage and she was relieved of her pent up tension, it was time to take us out for icecream treat.
Until tommorrow’s staving of of reality began the cycle all over again.
What I wonder is – how do mothers actually attach to their children, recognize them, miss them, care about them, encourage them. How do mothers not see their children as rivals, or as split off echoes of the parts of themselves they hated, or thought they had been abandoned for.
I wonder every time I see a child reach for their mother in a store – how do children find safety in their mothers?
I may be recognizable to most anyone I have ever met, but I was never recognizeable as something distinct and not about themselves to either of my parents.
I have no concept of what such a thing would feel like from a parent, and as one is dead and the other utterly self absorbed in her latest role as victim of dad now – the one she chose always over us.
I finally at least do not feel overly obligated to be mothering her anymore than just the most minimal of contact briefly requires.
I who am actually quite a memorable character to many, have never even existed in actuality to either of my parents, so what is interesting to me, is how many mothers just do manage to care, and recognize their own children as children.
The best my mom could manage was to be another child with us, but this, was never being an actual mom.
I just really do not know what the word means.
but your questions were easy enough to answer.
A long time ago it occured to me that as much as the L word was used, it was always used as a weapon, and I came to realize that one just cannot love without trust, and I just do not love my mother. I have cared for the children in her long enough, and been attacked by the children in her for being perceived as dangerous to her – because she is attached in her own way, not to me, but to who she so needs to feel she managed.
Frankly the only reason she didnt kill me is that she thought Dad would be upset with her. I guess my survival is based on such childish reasoning, as it doesnt seem that dad cared about much besides himself, and his own needs.
So anyway, as you are attached to your son, and his moving is recognized as an ending and beginnings. I am glad you are keeping the new puppy.
Dollswise,
Wow. Thanks for sharing so much about your history. You’ve really had some painfully difficult days / years with your mother (and father too). I can see that you have really worked hard to understand it all – I can only imagine how incredibly difficult all of this has been for you.
Ouch. That just breaks my heart to hear all that. For you to not have any concept of genuine relationship, or safety, or healthy connection with your mother … so deeply, deeply painful. Your mother really did a lot of harm… I certainly hope you can find other people in your life to connect with on a deep emotional level. She sounds like such a big mess — there’s no wonder you feel so scarred from her.
But you are a good person, a strong person, and you can heal from this. Keep working to move forward and grow past all this hurt. There really are a few safe people out here in the world – when you find some, build a connection and stay attached to them.
My thoughts are with you.
Warmly,
Kathy
Good Evening,
I would enjoy the opportunity to introduce myself. My name is Mary.
It was my responsibility to organize the daily lives of the children. This was done with efficiently and an open heart.
I am turning the typing over to Julie. I find it hard to express myself. So, if you would not mind, please know that the following words will me mine. They will be spoken through Julie.
It was nice to make your acquaintance.
I have had to watch two children grow up and leave the home. To feel the pride that comes with that, is enormous. To see them as grown and indepedent, finally filling those big shoes that they so eagerly stomp around in at 2 years old, fills your heart. This is what you have worked so hard for, for so many years.
Then as you are done helping them move, you walk out the door and the tears come. It is hard. You miss them. All those years of them living under foot, all those years of working towards this moment. Its here and a little part of you wishes, that you could turn back the clock, even just for a moment.
It is a big, wonderful, glorious, but sad day. A day of letting go, just enough for them to become the adults that they should be.
Remember that your life will change now too.
Enjoy it.
Mary (Julie)
Hi Mary,
Thank you for your gentle, compassionate comment. You have said it so very well, and there’s no doubt that you have been in that place as a mom too. Thank you for your kind, heart-felt words. Life changes — such big steps sometimes, but they can be ok, and even good — even if the transition is painful in the meantime.
Thanks again,
Kathy
it is a source of constant sadness to me that i do not feel that ‘tug in my heart’ when my children are hurt. i see it in other mothers. if their child is hurt i see their panic and their need to tend to the pain. i don’t feel it. when my children are hurt i act out of knowing what is the right thing to do, rather than any feeling or urge that comes from within.
it is the same with love. i know children need to be loved and be shown that love in many ways every day. i dont feel it. i hug and touch my children many many times a day, and tell them i love them many times a day, because i know that is what i need to do. but it is all an act, a mere intellectualization.
i am sure my children feel the insincerity in my actions and words. i would give anything for it to not be this way. i can act on what i know is right and best, but i can’t fake the emotions.
in many ways i wish i never had children. because they deserve so much more than i can ever give them.
Monalesa,
Welcome to the Discussing Dissociation blog – thank you for your honest comment.
It sounds like you are doing the right things with your children, and that is a very good start. Regardless of your own struggles with emotion and attachment, you are doing the right things for your kids, and that is important. Really really important.
There are a variety of different possibilities for why you could be so detached from your children. I hope you are exploring these possibilities in therapy – with a therapist that understands dissociation and attachment issues. You sound like a good person, and I believe there can be help for you too.
Good luck to you,
Kathy
I have two words to answer your question: Emotional Parentification.
In my experience, it’s perfectly possible for a mother to love her child very much, protect them in many ways, yet hurt them through the very bond that is supposed to support them. When a mother has many many unmet emotional needs, and foists those needs upon the child, I believe it’s possible to hurt her child – whether she realizes or intends it, or not. Perhaps not the kind of hurt you’re thinking of, but hurt nonetheless – complex hurt that is intertwined with love.
That said, my heart goes out to you!
Hi Acomo –
Welcome to the Discussing Dissociation blog and thanks for your comment.
I was actually thinking of outright physical / sexual abuse when I wrote my comments in the blog article, but certainly emotional abuse can apply. And yes, I do know, iin my head, that the dichotomy happens a lot. In my “intellectual head”, I do understand how it happens and I have seen / met mothers who care for their children, and also have hurt them deeply.
Sometimes dissociative walls get in the way, and that in itself creates for all kinds of complicated dynamics. The good news is that even when dissociative mothers ‘wake up’ to realize they have parts that have hurt their children, those mothers that are genuinely kind-in-heart, can overcome – stop – prevent the abuse from occurring again. It is very complex when this happens, but I believe that the “good mother” can overcome any negative history.
And to keep the record clear here (in case any mother with an abusive history is reading this) — if a kind-hearted mother finds herself caught in abusive behaviors and is genuinely willing to do something to stop it, including addressing her own behavior, then I still count that momma as someone who overcomes the ‘dark world’, and belongs to the “compassionate side”.
Please understand that my article is aimed more towards the mothers that are true perpetrators — ones that really and truly are willing to hurt their children, with no regrets and no remorse.
Acomo – Your point about Emotional parentification is good.
I’ll copy-paste from an article re: the definition of Emotional Parentification:
If anyone is interested in seeing the rest of the article, here is the link:
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2008/08/15/harming-your-child-by-making-him-your-parent/
Kathy