Multiplicity has made it into the Soap Opera world.
On the soap opera, “One Life to Live“, the character named Jessica Buchanan has Dissociative Identity Disorder. In earlier episodes, Jessica spent a fair bit of time in an inpatient hospital unit addressing her trauma, her grief, etc. According to Jessica, she resolved her difficult emotional issues and dealt with her internal system conflicts so sufficiently that she was able to integrate. Her small internal system agreed that it was time for them to tuck back inside, and even though the viewing audience knew that Jessica had at least one more huge unresolved traumatic secret, Jess went about enjoying her life as if she was completely healed.
For what appeared to be months of time, Jessica looked and acted as if she was integrated. Bess and Tess were nowhere to be found – she was only Jess. She felt like she was completely integrated. She believed it. Her family believed it. Her best friends believed it.
Did you believe it?
Anyone that knows anything about real multiplicity and dissociation should not have believed it.
Why was it inevitable that Jessica’s alleged integration would fail?
Because she had unresolved trauma, and she was still holding a secret from herself. This wasn’t a small secret – it was a huge secret involving the death of a child and criminal behavior.
Jess was still unaware of what Bess did. Tess knew a portion of the story, but not the whole thing. Both Tess and Bess knew they hadn’t told Jess. Jess didn’t know that she didn’t know.
Frankly, Jess-Tess-Bess are still a big mess. 🙂 But it’s a soap opera, so I wouldn’t expect anything less. 🙂
The point is this. When the parts of the system hold important, traumatic, and/or emotionally distressful information from each other, and from the host personality, there is no way that a genuine integration can occur. Holding this kind of secret from yourself means that you are keeping dissociative barriers and amnesiac walls.
Maintaining dissociative walls is not possible in real integration. The very definition of integration means there are no more dissociative walls holding back secret information.
So of course, for Jessica, Bess and Tess would return. They couldn’t not return. If they could have kept anything and everything totally controlled and not let any kind of trigger or reminder occur, they might have been able to stay hidden inside, but that is unrealistic. Unresolved, unprocessed trauma is much more likely to get triggered repeatedly until those memories are resolved.
In your healing journey, there will be trauma issues to sort out and address, but remember, until the whole of your system is aware of what happened to everyone else, you will still have dissociative walls. As long as you have dissociative walls, you cannot be considered integrated.
Questions to think about:
-
If you could talk to Jessica, what would you say to her? What would you recommend to her?
-
Do you relate to Jessica’s desire to be integrated, and yet still not want to know what has happened in your past?
-
Have you heard the stories and life experiences of every one of your internal parts?
-
Have your insiders listened to the stories and life experiences of each other?
-
Are you refusing to listen to certain parts? Why or why not?
-
While there are obviously important reasons to pace your healing work, are you intending to listen to every memory that your insiders remember and need to talk about?
-
Would you prefer to continue to “not know”? If so, how do you define what is necessary for your healing?
I wish you the best in your healing journey.
Warmly,
Kathy
Copyright © 2008-2018 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
it would be weird if we didnt be all of us here.
lots of times we feel like there be to many of us
but we wouodnt want any of us to go away
we cant imagin whar it wuld be like to have only 1 of us
dont pepol with only 1 persin be lonley?
who do you talk to? who do you play with?
we did be lonley some times when we be kids becuse are family ignord us lots
but we also did be very good at playing alone all day in are room
becuse we had each other to play with
ps what ever happend to that charicter on the soap opera?
Good stuff. Practical ways to begin the work. Thx, I needed this. I feel like I can do this now. Hopeful stuff. Thx again.
Hi,
I’ve been looking in on this blog with interest for some time. I think I may have left a comment once before, but I can’t find it now.
When the concept of “integration” first came up, i was terrified. Even though my dissociative episodes usually left me with no memory of what I’d been doing during that time (losing time) I still felt like the parts that were living and doing were me, and it felt like integrating meant I would be losing those parts. I thought they would cease to exist.
Then I had the even scarier idea that the person I think of as “me,” the one who sought out therapy and was trying to “recover,” wasn’t the one that would be left at the end. I thought I might dissappear, dissociate and never come back.
This has not been the case. I have integrated at least three other sides of me (some of them seem multifaceted and it makes it hard to pick an exact number). When this happened, I got a flood of new memories, a huge burden of unwanted emotions to deal with, but , I’m happy to say, I lost nothing. Everything I had before was still here, and I gained insight into parts of me I didn’t know.
I’ve been in the process of “intergration” for about two years. I have uncovered a lot of traumatic events from my childhood. In fact, sometimes it feels like there is no end to it. “very time ‘I think I am done, this has to be the worst of it, this has to be the end,’ there is something even more awful to uncover.
The most recent integration has been happening over the last six months. I think we are nearly finished with this part, who was a very confused three year old. There was also a sort of sentinal for this side of me, who thought she was twelve, but was really created to mimic my sister, who is nine years older than me.
On monday I saw the “twelve year old” for who she really is – a very frightened three year old trying to protect the other terrified three year old who was being sexually and physically abused.
I think we have mostly integrated this part, now. I am working with my therapist using the DNMS and it has been really helpful. Part of the reason it works so well is the language used in the DNMS process. This wasn’t designed solely for dissociative issues, but the fact that they refer to “child parts” makes it easier for me to get a grasp on the concepts, see these parts of myself and also makes it much easier to talk about it. It feels like it’s okay to speak from the dissociative part because it feels like that is who my therapist is asking to talk to. It also feels easier to talk about the traumatic events because it is okay to talk about the “people” who lived through the events as if they were someone else, when I know that really, all the parts are me and the events happened to me.
There are some things I still can’t say out loud, as in “this happened to me” but I can say “this happened to her.” It just makes it easier.
I am writing about my recovery journey in my blog. I mention that because it is so helpful for me to read about other people’s processes and journeys. It feels good to know that I am not alone, that I am not unique in my “craziness” and that others are making it through. Its at:
http://reunitedselves.blogspot.com/
if anyone is interested.
I know that there is still (at least) one part of me that we have not worked with. I haven’t actually told my therapist this. I don’t know why, I tell her most things, but I am not ready to talk about this one. It’s hard to imagine that I can learn anything worse that what I’ve already remembered… it’s hard to think of anything worse that could have happened. Besides that, I am fairly sure this part is fifteen. She is the one I sometimes have a glimpse of, even when she is “in charge.” Sometimes I am there with her, watching, when she takes over.
I never get over feeling like a freak with I talk about this stuff. The english language doesn’t really lend itself very well to speaking of one’s self in the plural without sounding crazy.
Thanks for letting me share, here. It feels safe to share here and there are so few places where I can do that.
🙂
tapping my little foot impatiently hoping you will update the blog with a new article soon…
lol, oh dollswise…. (tap, tap, tap.. I can just see that!!!!)
I will hopefully have something new posted before the end of this day — that’s my goal anyway. 🙂
It’s nice to be missed – 🙂
And, I’m glad to see the information on this blog is important to you.
*** heading off to think about my next post….. ***
Kathy
no integration here…but maybe one day..maybe..sometimes someone inside will tell our therapist she got it wrong and that they don’t have DID and my therapist will somehow ask a question that will need a response about where someone else is proving that there is a we or us and stead of a just me or I. its hard but i don’t think we’d want to be integrated atleast thats the consensus for now. I kind hope one day we do because i’d like to be a bit more normal and my therapist is going to have a baby soon, and i don’t want to have to depend on her so much…and right now we do a lot of depending on her…
If you could talk to Jessica, what would you say to her? What would you recommend to her?
That you haven’t integrated and that you need to learn to work with the parts and create better communication. That it feels like the memories will never go away, but maybe they might ease up one day. Maybe it will be better.
Sorry, having a hard time with what i would say. I’ve just gotten new memories and having a hard time with denial and just dealing with stuff right now.
Do you relate to Jessica’s desire to be integrated, and yet still not want to know what has happened in your past?
I don’t want to know anymore. It’s hard for me to believe that these memories that I have just gotten exist or are real. Really struggling with that right now. But, lets see. I’m having a hard time agreeing with parts and admitting they exist. So I don’t want to say I have DID right now, but with reality I still don’t want to integrate, but certainly don’t want to know anymore. Having more increased lost time as a result. *sigh*
Have you heard the stories and life experiences of every one of your internal parts?
No. Most, but not all I don’t think at least based on what recently came up.
Have your insiders listened to the stories and life experiences of each other?
Are you refusing to listen to certain parts? Why or why not?
I am refusing to listen to one of my younger parts right now. Mainly because I don’t want to believe more stuff happen and can’t believe that this stuff happened.
While there are obviously important reasons to pace your healing work, are you intending to listen to every memory that your insiders remember and need to talk about?
I want to but I don’t want to. Do they really exist. Are they really a part of me. Sorry I just don’t want to accept right now.
Would you prefer to continue to “not know”? If so, how do you define what is necessary for your healing?
Right now. Not knowing would be wonderful but with that brings more lost time. I don’t know. My t says I’m containing right now and not denying but i think i am denying and refusing to agree that they exist and not listening.
Sorry if I am negative or triggering or anything like that. I don’t mean to be.
oompaa
I watched this Soap when it first came out (dating myself to myself, gosh the body is old) anyway, it was the first show to really deal with social issues. Jessica’s mother was also Multiple and mostly a mess. I don’t think she ever integrated her selves properly either. Sam
Hi Sam,
I’m glad to know you’re caught up on the drama! 🙂 And I have no idea when this show first came out, so you can still be young in my mind. 🙂
I haven’t seen a lot of “One Life to Live”, but I did start to watch some of it purposefully when they were trying to portray multiplicity thru’ the Jess-Tess-Bess trio and specifically once the writers of the show were actually trying to show internal communication happening. I thought it was kinda cool that they were at least putting in an effort to show the reality of the internal world for dissociative survivors. Not a perfect attempt — but at least they were giving it a go.
I know nothing about what happened with the mother character, Vickie, but I hear her speaking as if she has overcome her multiplicity and as is she has all this deep knowledge of DID. So far, I’m not particularly impressed with her “knowledge base” or her use of psycho-babble terms.
I guess we’ll see what happens — especially as Jessica is starting to get her own flashes of the trauma she had previously blocked during her supposed “integration”.
It’s great having the excuse of “I have to watch this because its related to my job”, lol. 🙂
Kathy
* If you could talk to Jessica, what would you say to her? What would you recommend to her? “Watch out, honey, the big one is yet to come!”
* Do you relate to Jessica’s desire to be integrated, and yet still not want to know what has happened in your past?
Yes, all the time, in a deeply hidden secret place where no one can find it.
* Have you heard the stories and life experiences of every one of your internal parts?
No, I don’t want to anymore.
* Have your insiders listened to the stories and life experiences of each other?
I don’t know. It may be that at least one doesn’t yet know about the others. But some of them knew the stories of all the littles.
* Are you refusing to listen to certain parts? Why or why not?
I guess you could call it refusing, I don’t want to know anymore, I can’t handle what I DO know.
* While there are obviously important reasons to pace your healing work, are you intending to listen to every memory that your insiders remember and need to talk about?
I don’t remember when they are out, except sometimes there is a vague deja vu-like memory. Right now, tho, I’m on idle. There is only so much I can take. I was brave, in the beginning. I pushed and pushed my T and told him I wanted it all out. He kept trying to slow things down and then I got my wish. I began to remember things. My dreams were filled with them, my waking hours were deluged, as well. When I wanted it to stop, it only got worse. I’ve spent thousands of dollars in T’s office and don’t remember any of it. He knows, tho, and after all that, I don’t care to know anymore. Afraid? Sure. Tired? Yes. Had a gut-full? You bet.
* Would you prefer to continue to “not know”? If so, how do you define what is necessary for your healing?
Having to know about everything is a social construct and has been defined for all DIDs by someone who isn’t DID. So, having pointed that out, I’m not sure what is necessary for me to heal. I get all upset when someone tells me I have to integrate. How do you know that is what’s best? I don’t know that’s what’s best and I don’t feel that is what’s best. My T has told me at least 2 of my alters have verbally refused to EVER integrate. Just talking about it makes me go without sleep, gets me cut up, and makes me walk around not knowing what day it is or what time it is, so is forcing them the best thing? Because forcing them means killing them off.
Sorry, that last one really struck a nerve, or… an alter.
Ivory
Hi Ivory,
Thanks for your comment. And your humor :).
It sounds like you and your insiders have done a whopping lot of work, and yet if you don’t remember so much of it… and yet you have had a gut-full at the same time — sounds very difficult. My hope is that working thru’ the trauma would give you more peace of mind, and while memory work is really difficult, I would hope that the resolution of some of the trauma would help you to feel better… It’s sad to me to hear that you are still feeling so upset about it… and that… is a whole topic in itself. Maybe I can write an article about that kind of thing.
I hope your insiders read my initial article about Integration again — I’m not a pro-integration type therapist. If someone really wants that, I won’t fuss at them about that, but in my experience, the vast number of dissociative survivors are opposed to the idea. Which is fine with me – because I do not push for that – not at all. What I do recommend is developing teamwork, a good solid base of communication between the internal system with any host alters. The more you all can talk about life – whether its your past or the current stuff — the better.
And the point of this post is that the TV series was “pretending” there was an integration when there wasn’t. And of course, there wasn’t an integration for Jessica. IF integration is even possible, it certainly doesn’t happen when there is limited / partial communication and unresolved memories and hidden traumas still affecting one’s life.
Frankly, I don’t know why integration is considered the “goal” either. It’s totally not the best answer, if you ask me.
Please have a look at my initial integration post to see more of my personal stance / approach to integration.
Kathy
I don’t at all like the word integration. It’s a misnomer. Our minds are constantly in flux. While I agree generally with what you say, I disagree when you imply that one can be “finished”.
Hi Mindparts –
Thanks for your comment.
I don’t like the word “integration” either — I didn’t write against the idea specifically in this post, but if you read my initial post about integration, you’ll see more of my views about all that. Here is the link for the article:
Integration: A Requirement for DID Therapy – Or Not?
I’m not quite sure I understand what you are referring to in saying that I’ve implied that things can be “finished”. ?? Since I’m not quite sure what you mean, I’m not sure what response to give to you about that. I don’t have a “finished point” in my head as a place where I would say someone has been healed from their dissociative disorder and is now “finished” with their healing journey. I think people can find a place for them that becomes comfortable and at peace re: their therapy work and with their internal system, and they feel well enough to move forward in life without their healing from the past being so much the central core of their week, but I don’t know that there is a “finished point”. That sounds too black and white to me. As we all know, life continues to happen, and who knows what all will need to be addressed as various things are exposed and confronted.
Thanks for reading, and I look forward to your comments on the other integration article. 🙂
Kathy