“So thanks to all of this therapy, I have lost my father.”
“You haven’t lost your father….You did lose the father that you thought you had…”
“OK, I get it. I didn’t have the perfect dad…. And my therapy has successfully shattered my romanticized image of my narcissistic father. Is that how you would say it?”
“I would say, the patient, born to a depressed mother, idealized her father so as to not feel completely alone….. and now she can see her dad for who he really is. It is shattering. But if you can now move beyond that connection to your father, it may open the possibility of finding love elsewhere.”
“Now I’m left with nothing!”
“Maybe it’s worth it to finally take off the blinders, even if you don’t like what you see. Or you are left to wonder in the darkness for even longer.”
“Why did you take my blinders off?”
“I didn’t remove your blinders. You did.”
This is a paraphrased, condensed conversation from “In Treatment” – Dr. Paul Weston’s final session with Mia. In this session, Mia discusses a difficult conversation she had with her father, and she realizes that her father – the man she idealized for years – actually did things to hurt her.
This “In Treatment” episode highlights a dynamic that many trauma survivors face in their therapy process.
Many dissociative trauma survivors enter therapy with the belief that their parents would not and could not hurt them. While it is certainly true that some survivors with Dissociative Identity Disorder have one “safe” parent (a non-offending parent that was not directly involved in the abuse), most DID survivors have at least one parent with a dark, offender side to them.
Through the years of growing up, many survivors that split within themselves also keep a split view of their parents. This is easy to understand especially when you keep the dissociative framework in mind.
For example, the day parts (front parts, host parts) that are not allowed to know about the abuse, will very often view the father as a relatively normal father that does normal fatherly things. They will see their father as a good guy, a man that provided for the family, and while they may not always like the rules of the household, they typically won’t think of their father as an abuser of any sort.
In fact, these day / host parts will adamantly say that they have never been abused by their father, and will be highly insulted if anyone thinks otherwise.
The day parts will know nothing else about the father other than his day world presentation, and they will especially not know anything in regards to any kind of abuse or trauma or perpetration. They often feel a strong connection to the father, and are convinced that he loves them (and specifically not in a harmful, sexual way).
These day parts may be in denial about the father’s abuse, or in the context of dissociation, they probably did not experience very much if any abuse from their father.
When this is the case, these parts can come to the absolute adamant defense of their father, and not be lying. As far as they are concerned, their father was NOT a perpetrator, and they have absolutely no recall and no memory of anything else happening. Sexual abuse and trauma may feel like totally absurd oddities, and these parts will argue incessantly about their father’s innocence.
What happens when the other parts of the dissociative system start to talk about their experiences with the father?
What if the inside parts actually did experience sexual abuse or physical abuse from the father?
What if these parts have memory after memory of abuse by the father, and remember nothing nice about him?
Who is telling the truth?
Are the day parts that say the father did not abuse them telling the truth? Or are the inside parts that clearly have body memories and flashbacks of painful sexual abuse telling the truth?
Who is lying?
Who is telling the truth?
Actually, each of these parts, in most circumstances, is genuinely telling the truth from their own perspective.
The day parts genuinely did not experience abuse by the father.
The inside parts genuinely did not experience anything but trauma from the father.
How is that possible?
Because of the dissociative walls in between the different parts of the system.
Strong, intense dissociation can create absolute amnesia. What happens in one world will not leak through to the other worlds. One side of a dissociative person can have totally and completely different memories than the other people in the dissociative system.
One side of the dissociative person can be totally blocked off from another side of the dissociative system. What can be true for one set of system alters can be entirely false for another set of system alters. It is this very conflict that supports and creates the dissociative splits in the first place.
When something is too conflicting to be contained, splitting off the opposing information into different parts of the dissociative system helps the child to manage each of the conflicting worlds.
Thick dissociative, amnesia-creating walls allow the day world to not be overwhelmed or upset about abuse – they can’t tell or show difficulties when they don’t even know about the abuse. They can interact with the public world and not see or know or tell anyone about abuse. They can function normally in school or at work, and not give off too many troubling signs. Their dissociative walls serve to exclude them completely from information about the abuse.
For the parts that withstand the abuse, their thick dissociative walls keep them isolated and contained away from the world. These parts experience nothing but their abusers. They cannot grasp how wrong and vicious abuse is, especially since they have no other awareness of right and wrong, or that it shouldn’t be happening to them. This leaves the abused parts completely trapped in their abusive worlds because they cannot conceptualize anything other than tolerating abuse. Abused parts don’t attempt to leave their abusers as they simply cannot fathom any element of life outside of their abusive prison walls. They do not know that a life different from abuse can exist.
When a trauma survivor with DID presents in therapy, both sides of their system will begin to speak. The front parts will share their happy day-life experiences, and the inside alters will tell their stories about trauma. The therapist sitting outside of the dissociative walls will hear both sides of the story.
Part of the healing work is then to get these two sides to listen to each other. Of course, there is a balance and a timing for when to say what, but the basic goal is to lower the dissociative walls and let each side of the system learn about the reality of the other side.
The day parts will hear that their father was not always so kind and gentle with them. The inside parts will catch up to the current day time-frame and learn that they do not have to stay stuck in abusive relationships. Each side of the system will help each other see the whole picture.
It’s not easy – but taking the blinders off and looking at the whole picture of your life and your relationships are extremely important pieces of your healing journey.
You can do it. The safety and healing will be very much worth the hard work involved.
Have you realized that the various parts in your dissociative system have experienced very different lives from each other?
Are you willing to take your blinders off and look at the whole truth of your life?
Do you understand what it means to keep internal parts stuck within dissociative walls where they know only the world of abuse?
What are the worst things that could happen to you if you actually lowered your dissociative walls and connected with the realities of your other parts?
What are the benefits of genuinely connecting with the others in your system?
I wish you the best in your healing journey.
Copyright © 2008-2018 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
Odd that this article came up on facebook tonight, because we have been dealing with this the past several days.
Yah…Its shattering. Feels like glass breaking inside., but the glass is our spirit.
We go back and forth between dont want to know/need to know… leaning more towards need to know.
Have you realized that the various parts in your dissociative system have experienced very different lives from each other? Yes very much so.
Are you willing to take your blinders off and look at the whole truth of your life? Yes, we think so
Do you understand what it means to keep internal parts stuck within dissociative walls where they know only the world of abuse? Yes. Stuck in their pain forever.
What are the worst things that could happen to you if you actually lowered your dissociative walls and connected with the realities of your other parts? Probably nothing bad would happen. It would just be very hard. Night time people and day time people have been separated for a very long time. But we have been seeing the need to re-connect. Maybe the night time people would feel accepted. I dont know why that is a scary thought, but it’s important.
What are the benefits of genuinely connecting with the others in your system? Having better connections. Better communication.
DK as shame and disgust says
NO Trigger warning!!! You hit a few nerves here. Couldn’t even get through this one.
my dad have 2 nams
he be like 2difrint pepl
But I don’t know how!! I’m willing. I (ANP/host/non abused part) now have the knowledge that I was abused by my dad. That’s all. Just that piece of knowledge. I have felt it from my alters and experienced PTSD symptoms via them but I have no ‘concrete’ memories still. I find it very frustrating that I don’t know what happened or whether it was ‘only’ my dad. Possibly clues to there being more than one abuser. What part did my mum play? I have been working on safety and stabilisation in therapy and tbh my life is now about as stable as it is possible to be- I have finished work (ill health); I have means to survive (husband’s pension) no contact with dad (or mum for the time being) or grandparents. Fantastic relationship with my therapist. Loving, understanding husband. Loving, supportive friends. I’m working on communication with my parts. I don’t know what more I could do to be willing to look at what happened and break down the dissociative walls. For whatever reason, the parts are not ready at the moment for me to know. Or I’m not ready to hear. Though I think I am. It’s all incredibly frustrating. Anyway thanks for the article. I always enjoy reading them.
Kathy Broady says
I’m a bit late, but just letting everyone down under know that I was thinking of you on your Father’s Day…
Father’s Days can be very difficult, painful, confusing, sad.. I hope you are all managing things ok…
**possible triggers: my denial system was very powerful and i had many alts programmed to si or sui out if real memories began to come out. there was so much violence and so many perps that i split many times and even had alts who’s jobs were to keep spinning out certain kinds of parts over and over. in the last 5 years the blinders have been getting transparent and info has gotten seen and heard.
my dad was neglectful, selfish, distant and scary when angry. but he was not my worst abuser in the home. my mom was the nazi-like abuser in my house. she also demanded i be her midget adult who was “on her side” against the men of our home (dad and brothers). my mom and brothers participated in the sra just like my mom did when she was a kid.
i always knew something was wrong and i did have some memories i never repressed, but the one’s i did repress are shockingly awful (sra) involving torture and hideous things. i was so scared of remembering my past that i fought for years to not re-encounter it. somehow i finally realized that my rejection of my inside family was me continuing what my abusers started and i’ve become more open to them and want them to have freedom and healing.
i saw and participated in things (rituals) that still shock the hell out of me. it was so bizzarely beyond belief. it’s crazy sick horrors. my worst fear was that i would trigger and kill myself or go insane. i know nowdays i have been re-aquainted with the worst facts available. i guess the last fear is that the depression would set in really bad and i would be buried in the day/night horror of misery, insomnia, sui feelings and rejection from my spouse. the farther along i go in therapy the more i am setting aside the spouse. his opinions decrease in value daily. he was a major reason i did not get into my treatment faster and deeper because i kept trying to get his approval and perform at the level he wanted of me instead of doing the work to get freedom back and regain a functioning life.
i’ve seen the benefits to the whole system as acceptance grows. there is more trust inside here and more open-ness, there’s less sabotage going on and more of an ability for my host to feel and express feelings with the insiders. we still operate in the dark inside my head and i hope someday we will be able to restore light into here so we can work together more fully.
the bottom line of the questions you are asking is am i willing to do all the uncomfortable work as often and as much as i need to in order to regain a whole life – or will i let the fear, shame, horror and distress back me into a corner. so much of my life and time as a kid was devoted to decreasing or avoiding the pain, i got damn good at it – which was what they wanted. it’s hard but i am beginning to accept that adulthood means standing still, examining the pain, feeling it with my alters and cooperating in the therapy that will help us all to heal from the past and reclaim our life and our dignity. it is not over for any of us until it is resolved for all of us – at least that is how it seems to me.
I am really struggling right now with pacing myself and not pushing too hard. But I know soon enough I will be fighting not to do anything! I really hate this rollercoaster and I want off!!!!
Sorry. Bad day. Anyway, thanks for your post, it helped alot.
Didn’t mean to be a thread killer sorry 🙂
I am wondering how all this works when everyone is in dissociative pieces. I am, I believe my dad was, I know my aunt is, So many people in my family/circle. I have heard lots of people talk baout how “your bad dad and your good dad were really the same persona dn you have to learn to look at him as one person”. But what if that’s not true? What if he really was lots of people? And my lots of epople got muddled up with his lots of people and other people’s lots of people… Its just a big ol mess.
Kathy Broady says
Good point. So many different people within the different people — that certainly complicates a lot of things!
As far as seeing the good day and the bad dad as the same dad….. I think, I lean more towards agreeing with you. It sometimes makes more sense to realize the one dad is actually many different dad’s… especially when you know your parent was DID, and a DID person that did not have the chance for therapy and treatment and healing..,. When all that is the case, then to me, in many ways, it makes more sense to view the person as multiple, instead as one.
It’s too crazy-making to think of one dissociative person with all the great differences in alters fitting into “one” mold. Keep it real — if he was split, and was always split… then he was many…. with the same dissociative walls and amnesiac blocks that other dissociative people have…
Maybe in time, as you have more of the whole picture, you can see him more as a whole… but for now, while you are fitting the many pieces together, it may make more sense to look at him in his separate pieces first.
Take your time – and you really can approach your healing in the ways that work best for you…
Thinking of you –
Makes sense to us – but it is still all very confusing….we think our Ma may have had some DID and couldn’t be the “mama bear” we needed her to be….although we don’t know why we keep even “thinking” that…..Daddy – we don’t know what to think about him – we just know that we get “scared” and “on guard” when we are around him….we get “scared” even when we talk by phone….Outside Her has to talk to him so we can sound “normal” – but we are scared….we keep thinking he knows a “secret” about us and it scares us…..
The truth is we never really had a real father to loose in the first place (in the real sense of the word, a real father doesnt abuse) a hard reality to face but the truth.
Is grieving for the fact we didnt have a real father different then grieving for a father we thought we had but never really was ? The truth is alot easier to deal with then smoke screens imo, at least with the truth you know exactly what you are dealing with. Hope this makes sense.
Kathy Broady says
Yes, it makes sense that a lot of survivors had no real father in the first place… that is all too often true. Very sad, but very true.
Grieving the fact there was no real father, vs grieving the father you thought you had, but never really was… Probably those are pretty similar for most DID’ers. It’s probably safe to say tho’, that different parts of your DID system will have very different reactions and varying levels of connections with the fathers (parents), so… not all parts will feel the same type of grief. Some parts may full well have known / believed for years that they didn’t have a father. Others may have thought they had a father, only to realize other things, and for some parts, the father may have truly acted like a good father to them. SO… it can be all kinds of confusing,….
But yeah… all too often, too many DID survivors didn’t really have a father in the first place….
And yes, that is sad…
(but hopefully not a thread killer!!!! 🙂 )
This is incredibly hard especially since we have just started getting into the trauma and parts have started sharing their abusive memories with me, and up until recently i worshiped the ground my dad walked on. Since then i have been going through a constant period where i feel very angry. Angry at my therapsit for shattering what i thought the only good relationship i had in my childhood, angry at my parts for sharing there icky bad memories with, and angry at the world for changing. its so hard and frustrating to have these memories of someone i didn’t think would ever hurt me to know that he did, and to now actually believe it. I liked being the part that wasn’t abused, the part that he loved and treated very special, not the part that he manipulated and abused. i was having this really hard time trying to figure out what to do with myself since this realization, how to handle the memories and the anger and the batrayaly but mostly the pain that comes along with this new found realization. I am not sure what to do. Every time i think about it makes me want to destroy something. I want to scream but i can’t, and i refuse to cry. I intend on blogging about this entry in a but its rather late now and i have work now in the morning. You know what else bothers me? Since now being in touch with this, i can remember the first time i was sexually abused, i work with children and the little girl i am working with is at that age, and its driving me insane. I love her to pieces but being around her, is shattering me and breaking my heart and i can’t not be around her because i need the money…but i just thought i’d share that bit to.
Hello Krystle (thelittlestsurvivor)…just wanted you to know that i understood what you were saying….we used to help out in the nursery for a group….but we kept getting freaked out…all Twilight Zoney and trouble with figuring out where we were and what were we supposed to be doing….like we went into some weird Bermuda Triangle or something….we were getting scared of the kids and ourselves for some reason… almost like we were seeing “ourselves” at that age and were terrified of what we might “see”….we couldn’t figure out what was happening – we ran and quit the nursery…..that “feeling” still haunts us…….trouble is – we don’t remember nothing yet….
I’ve been watching “In Treatment” too and this particular scene jumped out at me also. I don’t have many of those AHA moments anymore in therapy. No big surprises from my past. I’ve done all that. I just plod along trying to lower the barriers and learn more about me and deal with the present better. Do I keep blinders up sometimes? Sure. My parents, because you’ve raised this, were not abusers, but they made mistakes in protecting me. I still have issues with this, but I try not to let it ruin our relationship. I have had conflicting views on my parents, though. And parts of me idolized each and others hated them. But mostly we learned how to navigate around all of that to find some middle ground. Thanks for posting. Paul.
Kathy Broady says
Thanks for your comment – it’s good to hear from you. 🙂
Sometimes the ol’ blinders are just more comfortable, that’s for sure. But it sounds like you have done a whole lot of healing work anyway, and having the freedom to choose when to wear the blinders, and when to take them off, is a good place to be.
Dealing with “non protective parenting issues” can be pretty painful — and very complicated, and difficult, depending on the circumstances involved… Lots of ouch-stuff there. It is ok to have issues with that, and I am glad to see that you are working hard to balance that stuff from the past with the many efforts involved with building and maintaining a relationship now. Lots of work to do, but finding that middle ground can be really important. Sounds great — keep up the good work!!
I am the exception. I don’t feel my parents, either of them, ever hurt me.
I mean not in a bad way. We all are not perfect parents, but i truly don’t think they hurt me.
I have sibs, someone would know something.
We never ‘talk’ bout stuff much, but my sibs said maybe ma burnt out.
I think I was just predisposed to splitting. Maybe my Ma was is DD’ed and set an example, I dunno. I got a sis I suspect is DD’d. I was likely just over sensitive.
I don’t remember being a kid, but my sibs do. They say alls good and tell funny stories.
If there’s stuck parts I don’t care. They not real, ha ha. Just figments, fragments.
I just wanna function better and raise my IRL kids OK. I not doing a good job. My life is messed.
I just gotta get my poo together is all.
I don’t want my blinders off, why WOULD I ??????
I don’t think there’s nothing nohow anyways.
I just gotta function better is all.
Not die, not be messed.
I SO bad want IRL kids to be OK.
um, kathy. this hit home and is something that i am struggling with greatly these days. the exact topic. i read it to my t today and she said it was so strikingly similar. she took questions and comments from your blog and we discussed it in detail. i’m working on coming to a middle ground with all of this and to fight the denial i so want to be in right now, but i also know that if i go to that then i will fight to stay in denial and that won’t help the situation. your talking about the day /host parts and then the other alters who know about the abuse and working to come together and share with each other i know it’s what i need to do, but gosh i am struggling so much with it. what could have happened at a younger age and the reality of the DR. and somehow coming to terms with it all. it feels like this huge mountain i can’t possibly climb. thank you so much for this post.
oompaa and all
“Sounds like these stories you are telling me about your life are as if they happened to someone else.” the initial registration T said over a yr ago. I can’t remember my reply.
Now that statements makes sense. I always thought he was kind of “funny” for saying that to me. I chose the woman T instead.
Because, that is how i felt/feel about the memories. they were just stories i had collected and “processed” – i Thought. like they actually did happen to someone else.
I can interject any name (for the abuser) right?
Great post. more to think about – Now that i Know Something to think about. Like you can’t ask a question about something you know nothing about. You don’t know to ask.
Thanks for giving me something to think about as i do not know to ask.
This is so hard. I feel like there are memories there. But I don’t know what they are.
Kathy Broady says
Give it time… whatever memories you have will surface for you – from your insiders – when enough things in your life have fallen into place, and when you and those insiders that know those things feel comfortable and ready to talk about it. It’s not like you yourself have to pull those memories out of your head. It’s more a matter of finding the parts in your system that already know this stuff. Once you both are feeling comfortable enough with each other for them share their histories with you, you’ll know what happened….
Just keep doing all that you can to make it safe for everyone to move closer in that direction…
Okey it is Brian again. we have one inside that think our parents are great right now. But I know they are the worse parents on earth. It is hard because that inside part can do stuff that is bad for us because he do not understand that parents hurted us badly. He think we are mean to parents when we hide from them. It is a struggle going on in our system and it is just hard. We try to talk to him but we can not make him beleve parends can do crule and bad things to us. I try my best./BRIAN
Kathy Broady says
Hi BRIAN from dragonhearts –
It’s nice to hear from you again! 🙂
It is hard for the two sides to listen to each other… but it is important to do that. It is very hard for each side to listen to the other side because the opinions are often so very very opposite to what each side already believed for a long long time. But that is why y’all needed a dissociative wall in the first place — to keep the confusion down, especially if things could be so opposite that it felt crazy-making. Hopefully everyone is now in a better place to have a look at the bigger picture…
Remember… both sides will know pieces of the truth…. and instead of being all black or all white, the final picture will probably be a plaid 🙂
Instead of “making him” try to believe, maybe he could sit down close beside you, and look at your memories “WITH” you. ie: maybe he could be close enough internally to be shoulder to shoulder with you or something. Sometimes looking at the information from the same place (meaning, in a literal sense from inside as well), can make a big difference. It might help him to actually get a sense of what it was like from your perspective. Sitting next to you helps that happen emotionally as well. The internal closeness helps the dissociative walls to go down. It could be very intense and difficult for him to do that, but it could be what it takes for him to be able to recognize anything from your perspective.
Let me know if that makes a difference for you –
And here are wishes for lots of good luck in your healing journey —
This article does help a lot. There is something I would like to know, though. I WANT to bring down the dissociative walls. But, I’ve been in therapy for over two years and I’ve only managed to peek over the top a few times… Why don’t I have more control?
Kathy Broady says
Hi – its nice to hear from you again too. 🙂
Try getting physically closer to the other ones that know things, like what I was describing to dragonhearts. As you try to internally get closer to the others that know other pieces of the memory information, you’ll either be able to get more of the info you are hoping to hear, or…. OR. … you’ll be able to discover other emotional reasons for the blocks between you and them. If you can’t sit beside the parts that know about the trauma, explore what happens when you try. Who’s fears are increased? Look inside to see who or what is blocking that? Listen to the resistance and explore what that is about.
Just keep digging at the info – you’ll get there.
Wow…great post…man, toe tapping led to all this?! Ohhh the power of toes!
This is a really excellent thought provoking post. My dad died very suddenly and in a circumstance that blew alot of secrets wide open. My brother started outting with having been sexually abused by dad, and mom started her “I NEVER Knew…” and then lists of specific things done to me that…well, her “I Never knew thing” with all its specifics – is just CREEPY.
So ever since I realize that there just is more than I know how to understand. And dads chasing us down thru life and damaging us with our colleagues and anyone we might ever be in contact, now makes a sort of sense. He was apparently trying to make sure that if we ever outted, that we just never would have had any credibility.
So I have lived with that.
That there just is more than I understand how to know, and I realize at points that this makes sense, or gives context to alot of things I have wondered about in myself. How I could scare any stranger on the street, or befriend them – but if you are in a position of trust and say 50’s, I am lunch.
Well, not anymore cause I am married, but before – I just couldnt figure out why I could be such a force of nature on any city street- and utterly helpless to just – well there just was no concept of saying No?…
I mean when my brother told me, and how he had made dad stop finally, I asked him – How did you realize to? And he said “it made me feel uncomfortable” and I said “But how could you tell you were uncomfortable?!”
I still just dont get this…
So anyway, this article helps alot.
Kathy Broady says
I’m glad you enjoyed the post and that it was relevant for you… But… it’s really not “toe-tapping” that led to the post, lol. Of course, my own schedule is what dictates when I can or can’t write a new post, but hey – I’ve got a music background, and as a pianist, I was frequently buddies with the drummers, so I have a soft-spot for percussion rhythms, so… maybe toe-tapping just sounds like music to me 🙂
I’m glad this post was helpful for you.
It sounds to me that your mother simultaneously professing to NOT know and yet to also know specific details sounds like the exact dissociative dynamic I was writing about in this post. Meaning… maybe one side of your mother knew… while the other side of your mother blocked it out. If that is the case, you are hearing comments from parts from both sides of your mother’s dissociative walls — from the side that didn’t know and from the side that did know. Possibly, putting it in the dissociative context can make it more understandable why she was saying too opposing things at once. It might not have to feel so creepy for you if it makes sense as statements coming from a highly dissociative person.
A lot of the opposing emotional stuff — being strong and yet helpless, just like knowing and then not knowing, can be that you are experiencing parts from different areas of your system. Some parts of you will feel utterly helpless and have no clue how to say no (those are likely the ones that were well-trained to just tolerate the abuse and were not allowed to fight back), while other parts of your system would have been allowed to learn more self-protective skills.
One of the joys of being dissociative…. having different someones in your system that can be entirely different from each other, so that as a whole, you as a person can represent with a huge variety of feelings / skills / abilities… is exactly that — to have the ability to be so totally different, at any point in time!
I’m glad this blog article is helpful for you… keep looking at all the different ways to apply it….
Thanks for the comment, and good luck with your healing work….
Oh yes, I sure have learned what different life realities there are.
When those walls start to lower and you start to find out a lot of other things, it sucks!
It can feel like the world and the reality that you live in, comes crashing down around you. But it gets better…..until the next thing comes along.
The father that raised me, I always thought of a distance, busy father but not abusive. In some strange way I thought everything was his fault, nothing specific, just blame. Always had this specific “scene” in my head, a memory with no face. Then one day I saw the face and it was my father.
I do personally think that my life was great and complete before all this. When the walls starting crumbling, that is what messed up my life and sent me into therapy.
…..thanks for the new post….
Kathy Broady says
Yes, learning more about the abuse can certain feel like your life is crashing down around you — but then again… the healing process doesn’t stop there. It sounds like you have had a “knowing” (that strange sense that wasn’t really explainable) for a very long time, and then seeing it actually was his face would have been difficult… of course. The hope is that as you progress along thru’ your healing process, you’ll find ways to get more comforted and more ok with the bad news. You’ll be able to move past that initial sting of the hurt, and find a place that is more reconciled and more ok. You won’t have to stay stuck in the most painful of the places… hopefully, you’ll be able to move past that.
Keep up the good work — you can do this.