For dissociative trauma survivors, Mothers Day is often a painful time.
For survivors with Dissociative Identity Disorder, mother issues are usually complex and difficult to sort out. Momma-trauma comes in a variety of forms. So many, many different kinds of Momma trauma. That in itself is so very sad.
Here are three possibilities to consider.
For some survivors, their mothers were simply not there to protect them from the violent abuse of the perpetrator, including the father or other sadistic family members.
These mothers were away at work, or away at the hospital, or too ill to tend properly to their children, or divorced from the fathers and living in separate homes, etc.
Many of these mothers love their kids dearly, but still were unable to protect their children from trauma and abuse. Most of these mothers are not to blame for the abuse – many of them are absolutely horrified and deeply furious to find out, years later, how much abuse their children went through, and their feelings of guilt and shame are huge and overwhelming.
None the less, their inability to protect their children creates mixed feelings for those children.
For some survivors, their mothers were too blind or too lost in their own denial to be willing and able to protect their children from abuse.
These mothers do have some responsibility for their role in not protecting their children.
These are the mothers that were in the home, and could have been instrumental and helpful for the protection of their children, but out of their own fear, denial or dissociation, refused to look, and refused to protect. These mothers let their own fear be bigger than their willingness to protect their children.
These mothers may not have been directly used as accomplices, but their fears and unwillingness to protect would have most certainly been taken advantage of by the abusers.
For other survivors, their mothers were the abusers.
These mothers were absolutely in the room at the time of the abuse, they caused physical pain, they did inappropriate sexual touch, and they played mind games on their children.
These mothers are every bit as much a perpetrator as any other criminal.
They hurt their children. Repeatedly, and painfully.
Maybe with, or without remorse.
So every year when Mother’s Day rolls around, it is difficult for survivors who grew up with mothers like that.
The pain of what was longed for, but never given pierces the heart. The agony of wishing the mother had been willing to do something helpful grows cold out of the slow but torturous and accurate realization that the mother adamantly preferred apathy or self-protection over her children’s safety and welfare.
The heart-wrenching pain caused by an inattentive or abusing mother carries on for decades. The wounds do not heal quickly or easily. The hurt is felt for years and years.
It’s not right for mothers to cause such harm to their children. Those mothers are a disgrace. They are criminal. They are not “mothers”.
Do you know a good mother?
Do you know what a genuine, kind, real mother looks like?
Real mothers are good mothers who firmly protect their children from abuse, as much as that is humanly possible.
Real mothers are good mothers who fight to get quality help and genuine safety for their children when someone else hurts their children.
Real mothers are good mothers who do not complacently overlook or ignore the needs of their children.
Real mothers are good mothers who put the needs of their young children over their own.
Real mothers are good mothers who tend to the daily needs of their young children, and adjust with the various changes needed as their children get older.
Real mothers are good mothers who work hard at being loyal, caring, kind, compassionate, loving, and giving to their children, forever and for always.
What kind of mother are you to your children?
If you are a trauma survivor, here are Dissoci-ACTION Questions to think about.
- What kind of mother did you have?
- What affect has your mother had on your life?
- How did your mother fight to protect you?
- How did your mother contribute to your abuse?
- What thoughts and feelings do you have now, all these years later?
- What do you wish you could say to your mother, but couldn’t / wouldn’t say to her in real life?
Mothers and Mothers Day
So painful for so many people….
Work intensely on these issues in your therapy and your healing. They are hugely important. There is hope for you to heal from you wounds, and I am sorry that you were so badly hurt.
I wish you the best in your healing journey.
Copyright © 2008-2021 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
I love my mom so much
I wish her love me too
Every year, this ache in my heart gets stronger and bigger. At times it feels like more than I can stand. To see more of my friends become grandparents, and so many people in my “family” having babies lately… its like my heart burns and I have a hole in my stomach. Its too scary to think of talking about…and getting emotional will do no good. I wish I could make it disappear. I want so bad to be happy for the new grandparents and new moms and dads…, i just dont have it in me right now. I need to figure out how to … make this go away.
Visits, cards ,gifts, gatherings, promises, phone calls , etcetera, etcetera, …need not carry as much weight as they do on holidays. That includes brightness & darkness….joy & pain. Try explaining this to my broken parts. It is not so easy. The letter above speaks to myselves. When my amazing ( adult children) recognize me on Mother’s Day, I find myself feeling so loved , yet undeserving of love . It feels as if they are doing me a favor since I am the Mother they got. I am a good enough Mother. If I am not recognized on Mothers day, I feel unloved ….proof of being broken & annoying to family. Since anything kind is a favor, …. it is the same as being unworthy of love. My own Mother, was not a good enough Mother. She was a good person. I never even realized that being scared to death daily to this day, was created by not being provided safety. I have been traumatized since infancy…so 55 yrs now. Ive been married 36 yrs to an abusive man who doesnt have my back & continues to creat double binds, and eggshells beneath my feet. Being grounded is quite difficult. This year I was numb to anything “Mother’s Day”. I do not have a decent sized space inside to feel / hold goodness. Object permanance issues & poor recognizing of & holding goodness aimed at myself. A few years ago, I put a lot of weight on the cards my children sent, so much, that those cards still sit out. At first because I felt so very lucky to be on the receiving end. Now, I see them as reminders , that my children are grown. That I am indeed a good Mom. Not because they sent cards & gifts. Because they grew into kind, compassionate, good men who know I have their back and they know who to trust & to feel safe and loved by themselves and others. They are living , not surviving life. Infact, they wake up each morning knowing they have a real life and have zero plans to hurt anyone. Apologies & excuses are overrated too. More weight belongs on safety, security, & predictability in my enviornment & the people in my life. Those people are there even when there isnt a holiday filled with with grief & triggers. One of my children was parented appropriately several hours away by safe family members….beginning age 12. I grieved that loss with so much pain. I worked very hard to move past the stifling grief and enjoy my part in his adult life. So many other losses. Mothers day is midt definately a trigger. Honestly, every day has its own triggers to struggle with. I try not to put all my eggs into one basket. I also work very hard and closely with my Trauma informed therapist, multiple medical stress induced illness clinicians, & psychiatrist. Trying to safely process what my childhood & mother stifled.
Fathers, spouses, teachers, clinicians, friends, relatives are sometimes the support people in our lives who provide what healthy mothering is in our cultures. Meeting our needs, even if it seems neverending needs to feel that part within ourselves……so we can mother our brokenness.
Like other traumatized souls, my full story is complex with long term trauma out of the home by predators along with lots of brainwashing. Mom split enough not to recognize her role. Somehow I did learn to do the opposite of the type of childrearing I was given. Yet , I too struggled with his yo keep my children & my parts safe. But, I made sure my children received outside help and support from professionals and programs for at risk and trusted family members.
I read your posting with a heavy heart taking in the sadness of your words and how you seem so reigned to your life. The thoughts that you feel tied to an abusive husband, for 36 years no less, sent warning bells off in my head and a collective longing for you to be somewhere safe. I am happy to hear that you have a team of folks helping you to sort through your traumas and life. I hope that one day that you will be able to take in that you raised healthy children and that they appreciate you as their mother.
this stupid fucking holiday puts me in a extra bad mood 😡
I was wondering if you could change the wording in #2 from “blind” to something like “oblivious” or “ignorant,” so that it is less ableist. There’s a good deal of stigma against mothers with physical disabilities like blindness already, without tying ignoring abuse to blindness with metaphors like “blind to the abuse” or “turn a blind eye.” Thanks for considering this!
stupid holiday ?
Many thanks for this post and especially to Ivory 54 for your reply … I can relate but could never put it so clearly … and I’d like to read more … at your blog …
Kathy Broady says
Reblogged this on Discussing Dissociation and commented:
Thoughts on Mother’s Day Weekend….
HELP US it’s coming again! Can’t face this day on the colander. Write us again since the mother died this is a crazy.confusing day!
stupid mothers day 🙁
whole day sucks.
too complicated. never gets better.
Mothers day is coming again 🙁
this year is extra hard.
it feels unbearable.
wish it would get over with.
really, one of the stupidest holidays there is. its only
surpassed by father’s day.
It’s hard when some of the insiders want to do some meaningful for their mom. The same here with me. One of my little ones insists on making a card for Mother’s Day (YUCK!!). I keep postponing it, but tomorrow I will let her have her way. I have explained though that we won’t be able to actually send it to our mom. That there are others inside that would be very upset about that and that I have to take them in account too. I don’t think she really understands, but I have completely broken contact with our mother (and father and family) 10years ago and I won’t let her back in our lives. I have to protect the ones that are hurt.
Another insider keeps on asking me over and over again: “Can I phone her, can I take care of mom again? Why can’t I?Please?!” And the reply is the same: “because there are others who have other experiences with our mother, who weren’t as lucky as you and they would be very upset if we had contact with her again. I have to think of them too.”
Pfff!! Mother’s Day, what a stupid artificial invention of the Cards Industry again.
that sounds very hard. I’m so sorry for what you are going trough (and went trough).
Although my actual situation is completely different, I wanted to respond to what you wrote.
Just some thoughts as I read along your post:
1) You wrote ‘I know I could robot myself through if I choose’. Apparently you haven’t made that choice so far to dissociate through it, though that would be easy enough. I find it very brave of you that you wrote here instead and choose to express the hard feelings you’re dealing with. That’s good, no? I know how difficult it is to make that choice. I too have ‘bots’ like that inside and letting them take over is tempting (a lot). I hope you find the strength the next couple of days to sit it through the best you can, without the necessity to switch to those bots, so you can stay aware of what it means to you and maybe get more insights from it. (easy said, I know)
2) I’m sorry you suddenly became the host after such a long period of time and had to adress a reality that is so not how you would see it for yourself if you were left the choice. That must be extremely painful.
I as the host of the system choose willingly not to have children, out of fear and out of the knowledge too that I have two insiders who would be inclined to do bad things to them or in the least wouldn’t want to take care of them when they (those insiders) would come out and take charge. The big difference being: I was left with the choice, where you haven’t, because I have been the host most of my adult life.
(and by the way: altough not the slightest comparable to your situation, I too was ruled by an anorexic alter the past few years (until last year). I hope you find a way to somehow compromise with her, like I did.)
3) I only recently realised that my mother is sort of DID like me and I have almost no recollection whatsoever of an adult mom. She mostly switched between child and sadistic monster. I know she suffered from abuse by her own mother. If I had outside children now, I would be the next generation of messed up mothers that would continue the madness. NO WAY!
You were forced to deal with the reality of having outside children to take care for. And those kids didn’t have a choice either. They’re here now.
I believe it’s good of you to acknowledge the fact that it’s hard for you, good that you can see the parallells between your feelings and those of your mother and maybe can think it through, good that you realise: I have to turn around now and do the right thing for my (outside) kids.
YOU ARE NOT YOUR MOTHER. And you didn’t choose to be messed up inside!! It’s the result of things done to you when all what was left for you was to somehow survive by fragmenting the way you did. Oh, I know all about suicidal feelings and self-injury myself, but why punish yourself for things that are the mere result of things outside of your control? You should be angry with your mother.
And even more important: you didn’t have the choice back then when those bad things happened, you didn’t have much choice when you weren’t the host of the system, but now you have a real choice of how you deal with reality, you yourself can make the decisions now every single moment again: you can choose to let your bots take over or not; you can choose to self injure or not. And if you do, then that’s the way you choose to deal with your emotions. And that’s ok, if that’s your choice. The big difference being: if you CHOOSE to do it, then you do it with awareness, not blindly dragged along by your anger and pain. That’s a real choice you have there. You can choose to attack a pillow instead if you’d like, to smash dishes, to vent your intense emotions another, maybe less self-destructive way, you can write about it here or on a forum, where people will be willing to listen. There are people who care! (I care enough to respond!).You really don’t deserve any punishment.
I will think of you (and the others who struggle the next few days with it being Mother’s Day). I will know that I’m not the only one that is hurting and emotional. Maybe all of us can unite in thoughts of strength and positive energy the upcoming Sunday. That would help.
I, too, am dreading this Mother’s Day. As a daughter, as a mother. I wish I could sleep through it. I know I could robot myself through if I choose. We have robots in our system that can do things without feeling, knowing or remembering. They are just our ‘bots. Anyway, I have recently become host after about 20 yrs. of being starved out by anorexic alter. One alter in out system had 4 kids in 6 yrs. She has “disappeared” (and I must add she is only 14yrs. old) and left me and Claira (the anorexic) to raise the outside kids. I do not feel the kids are mine and I really do not want to take care of them. I know that sounds terrible, but if I were to live MY life I would NOT have any outside kids. It is hard to know that I feel the same inside myself as the mom felt about me and then try to turn around and do the right thing for the outside kids. Usually I find someway to punish myself for being so messed up inside. With it being the week before mother’s day I have had a bad time with suicidal feelings and self-injury. Yesterday I told my therapist what I was going to go home and do. She said nothing and let me depart – sent me on my way – get out – go on (just like my mom and just like I WANT to do to the outside kids). So I figure I deserve the punishment and worse because not even my therapist cares what I do. I really hate mother’s day. It is so fake. I wonder how many people in this world can hand their mother a Hallmark card and truly attach those words and feeling to mom.
my mom was gon to come vist me but now her not gone to 🙁
her say to bizy. 🙁
i dont like mothers day. i reck my mom. i did make her sick
i did omost make her die. that be why my dad he dont like me
i dont like this haliday. i dont like too see moms and there kids
it be bad to be jellis but i do be eneway 🙁
if yor mom dont want you then nobody want you. that just how it be
ouch! A part of me has to send her something though. Easier than ringing. Calling her is very scary. Why does a apart of me always feel like a bad duaghter for not looking after her better and being more daughter like? I know this is really bad but I am waiting for her to die so I can move on with my life – but she’s still young – you never know she may drink herself to death. I can never win in this argument.
i think i need to stop watching tv for the next 9 days. the stupid hallmark mother’s day card commercials are driving me crazy already. no one makes cards for things we REALLY need to say.
May is on its way and that means mothers day is coming and we hate, hate HATE mother’s day almost as much as father’s day. stupid holidays. there are always special services at our church on those days commemorating everyone’s fabulous parents…we skip them every year. hate the stupid commercials, the ads on television, the articles in the paper, the movies, the cards in the store, the candy you’re supposed to buy, everything. hate hearing about everyone’s wonderful parents and how they are taking wonderful mom/dad out for lunch/dinner and how they were raised so well and how their parents take care of them and all that unconditional love they got.
we didn’t deserve it, didn’t get it, and won’t have it ever. and thats okay, its just how it is. but it just makes this ache in our hearts that feels like a knife and so its just best to ignore the holiday altogether. except, of course, for caroline who makes sure that mom & dad each get a meaningful gift and phone call, which we all dread and can’t wait to get over with, then we end up doing bad stuff the rest of the day to try to cope with the stupid phone call.
stupid holiday 🙁 can’t wait til its over. fathers day too.
I always give/make Mom a card, but i never noticed there are no feelings with it like when i give to Dad – until now. I just always did it b/cuz that is what is “expected” of me. So, to be the good girl i do what is “right” and honor her on this day.
With children of my own, i see the difference in my mothering and their reactions. Call it paranoia or forsight but i started talking to them (a boy 16 & girl who is now 12) about sexual abuse and their right to Own their own body by the time they could walk. I was/am so afraid that they do Not grow up like i did.
I have fought for them simply by teaching them, by being a mother who truely cares.
It wasn’t until i was 18-20 before i learned of the sexual abuse that took my mother’s chilhood away at the hands of her brothers. What gets me is that she had the same knowlege, or forsight to ensure this would Not happen to Her daughter, yet she continually left me alone with him as an infant and all through school. Always taking his side. If i did not agitate my brother, then i would be allright she would just admonish.
When i finally had the guts (thanks to a lawsuit that induced further PTSD of a sexual nature by authority figures) to tell her, the reaction was: “Don’t tell Dad, this will kill him. Besides Your abuse is Nothing compared to what i went through. Anyways, kids will be kids. All brother’s and sister’s experiment.”
Not My children!
I was considered a good girl from early on (even before any memories i can come up with) i am told because i would sit in the corner for hours not saying a word and just playing w/my barbie dolls. Now i see that action as a way of protecting myself before i had words, by being quiet, i was safe from him and did not have to associate the fact that my parents were never around for me. Dad was working 3 jobs so she could stay home and raise their children. All the warning signs were there. Even blood which she passed off as me sticking toys ‘down there’ at the age of 3 or 4. One of the only childhood memories i have. All i could tell her was that “toys don’t go there.” i said over and over. She never believed me.
Now we have come to an agreement that she is my ‘friend’ but no longer and never will be “mother”. That relationship has been destroyed.
I will always be thankful that she was the Mother that she was. It has ensured my children to break this generational incest because I Am the mother i never had.
I praise God he allowed me to suffer for my children’s sake. They will never know this nightmare that i live in and am trying desperately to come out of.
Thank You so Much Kathy_B for finding me and giving me this address so i can learn and someday be whole again! I always knew there were “others” inside me, but no one would listen. Now i am not alone Here. It Is real. They are there. They know things i don’t.
Kathy how do we contact you to ask a few questions concerning your online theraputic services?
sorry, i know this is off topic but I’ve gotten lost trying to figure out how to email you about the survivor’s forum. thanks,
Kathy Broady says
It’s ok that you asked that here. 🙂
You can learn more / read info about my various online therapeutic services at my website, http://www.AbuseConsultants.com . Click on the first puzzle piece (the business office section), Services tab. That’s where the various clinical services are described in more detail.
And I have an individual page listed here at the DiscussingDissociation blog that describes more information about http://www.SurvivorForum.com .
Also, anyone that registers for the free / survivor support sections at http://www.SurvivorForum.com can post general questions about the forum right there at the forum. That’s often a good place to check around because there is a lot of information already explained there at the forum itself. So if you go sign-in at the forum itself, and read the free forum areas, you’ll be able to learn a lot about how the forum works.
Also, you can send me a private message (PM) from SurvivorForum once you have registered a free username.
If you still can’t find the answers that you are looking for, you may email me thru’ “info at abuseconsultants.com” .
Hope that helps!
I’ve recently started following your blog. I’m not DID, but probably did dissociate during the abuse.
Thanks for posts like this. My mother was not the abuser, but knew about it and let it go on for years. She also used it to get what she wanted out of her divorce.
Although I have to convince myself of this frequently, I am a great mother. 🙂
Kathy Broady says
It is one long journey, isn’t it?! Thank you for your comment, and welcome to the Discussing Dissociation blog.
Dissociation happens on a continuum, and people don’t have to be split to be dissociative, that’s for sure.
It sounds like your mother was a very selfish, self-centered person. Here in Texas, I believe the legal authorities have recently changed the laws so that if a mother (or whoever) clealy knows about abuse happening to a child, and yet refuses to get help for them, that mother can be charged as an accessory to the crime. And isn’t that the truth??! Because it’s truly horrible to turn a blind eye to abuse, refusing to help. As far as I am concerned, that IS a crime.
Thanks for dropping by, and keep on being a good mother to those kids of yours! That’s excellent!
my mother was one of my top two abusers. she’s been dead for almost 16 years and i never miss her at all. she was merely the biological system by which i gained life. she delivered me up to her satanist father/brother to be used from my infancy to approx. age 10 or so. she abused me sexually, physically, emotionally and spiritually. i don’t know if any of my others still have any affection/delusion concerning who she is. she and a satanic 4th grade witch i spent a school year with remind me of the savage cruelty of the nazis in germany.
i have spent my entire adult life trying to get past the effects of childhood horrors. i don’t want anyone’s pity, i just want to get well and be able to let go of the dreary, disgusting, perverted, sadistic, heartless, miserable experiences that came to me at home, at school, at church, at the dentist. it was comprehensively abusive. i have less than a dozen truly good memories and 5 people who ever were authentically kind to me .
one of the cruelest things she and the cult did to me was to set up double binds/no win situations and set up conflicts in my mind i could never resolve on my own. i lived half a lifetime in confused pain and rejection from all the “significant” people in my world who thought i wanted to have a pity party and stay stuck and wallow in my sad little past. i was in therapy for 9 years before i could admit my mother pimped me out to freaks in a coven and participated in their attempts to destroy me and then every night when dad came home from work, we had to hide all evidence that might alert our dad that something was wrong. i know i am saying too much. i desperately try to express things that no words can really convey. it was as bad as a stephen king horror story where i did ordinary school life in the day and grotesque, vile, hideous activities by night. i was programmed to suicide myself before saying as much as i just said and i thank God for the help in breaking down brainwashing and the help to regain some sense of truth and reality.
the best thing about mother’s day this year, from my personal point of view is that i did not even think about my mother one time. that is such an improvement over the years i spent wailing over the wounds she inflicted and wondering what i had done wrong for her to treat me so badly. that is getting closer to both forgiving and forgetting! thanks for letting me rant.
leslie and the pixies
mi mommy hatd me, she wish i wuz nevr bornd. she tol me she do efryting to no get a baby an she gots stuck. kiki sad an my hed hurts so i shuts up now. bye
what i’ve really wanted is to be able to function in life without feeling eternally tormented and distracted from the things i wish to accomplish by pain, depression, dissociation and anxiety. ok enough about me.
i have two precious grown daughters and the oldest has begun therapy and i am so proud of her for getting help. my only goal in life was to raise my children with the best love i could give them and protect them carefully so they would never become just like me. i am bless so greatly that they both love me and have forgiven me for the failures in mothering when my own issues got in the way. they’ve forgiven me for allowing their father to drive them into perfectionism. i did not stand up for them enough; i wish i could have healed quicker – but what is is what we deal with.
if mother’s day was a day when mother’s got wishes granted, my wish would be for me and my alters to be healed enough to be fully engaged in life, unafraid to go out and do more of life and learn new things, to shed the shackles of fear. honestly though, not being my mother is such a huge blessing that i need nothing else for now.
sorry, brevity is not my strong point.
Great post Kathy, this and the later one regarding mothers who fight for their kids.
I’m in the “ouch” section – mother was enabler and to this day acts as if there is nothing wrong in our family. It’s never been discussed and she really does not understand why I no longer want any contact with her. With that level of denial you have to dissociate in order to remain remotely sane. There is of course the possibility that she (mother) has also dissociated the whole experience herself which makes one wonder if anyone can be held responsible at all.
Mothers day in the UK was a couple of months back but having an American partner, I get to “celebrate” twice.
@lostshadowchild – you can see they are creepy- that’s a really important thing because it means you are NOT them -that takes a lot of strength in itself. 🙂
Kathy Broady says
In the “ouch” section — ouch, but you have such a good way with words.
I’m sorry to hear that your mother was (is)sooooo gone from helping or seeing or being honest, or whatever it was that she was doing that she was unable / unwilling to help. I don’t know that I would excuse her for “dissociating the whole experience” either. I can understand dissociating bad experiences, but if that was the case, someone inside knew something was happening with you, her child, and even if she didn’t have help back when you were young, it’s not too late for her to be getting help now. So… the fact she is continuing to hold on to her denial makes me think / guess she knows far too much about what went on and just is too much of a coward to address it.
Sorry – maybe I’m speaking too harshly. I just can see that you are a wonderful person, and you deserve better than that. You have all kinds of courage, the ability to interact with others, compassion for others, etc. You’ve been a great help to so many people. You’re not a wuss, so it seems that your mother could at least step up to the plate and be helpful as well.
Thanks for your post – and I hope that you can find your own true healing whether your mother ever helps out or not.
Mother’s Day. Every year my mother buys herself a gift (in my name) and then even wraps it up by herself. She also buys for my father in my name a gift…to Father’s Day.
Funny, isn’t it?? I have a real creepy family (and sometimes I don’t know where I should find new strength to handle this). I’m tired too.
I was here earlier. After reading the last question, I went back to my own blog and tried to say what’s been eating at me for years. I couldn’t get it all out. It sounds whiny – but that’s how she’d want me to feel – “You shut up or I’ll give you a reason to whine!”
My mother is a proud woman. So proud that she cannot tolerate anyone knowing anything about her that might be perceived as “less than”, negative, imperfect, etc. Even sadness is not acceptable in my mother’s world. Mistakes are forbidden. The thing that has damned me is that I look like my dad’s side of the family, not hers. Or at least that’s what I think started it. I don’t really know.
She is unforgiving and will stop at nothing to manipulate her children into fawning over her, all the while making us believe we have to earn her love and good graces – over and over. She constantly initiates situations in which her children must fight each other to be the one who wins her favor. There are 5 of us.
My mother never fought to protect me, she never protected me at all, in any way. She contributed to my abuse by turning a blind eye and blaming me for what happened. After all, it happened to me, I should have stayed out of the way.
I think the worst thing is that in times of stress, panic, or emergency, she takes on the traits of a wild animal caught in a trap. They will chew their own legs off to get away. That’s what my mother has done to me, in a way. When she found out about the abuse I endured, she immediately contacted my other brothers and sisters and told them lies about me. She created a situation in which they turned on me to protect her (she told them I blamed her and that she was terrified I would harm her in some way, which was never true). If that wasn’t bad enough, she became worried I might go into the community (we are 3rd generation in our small community) and tell someone what happened to me, which would (in her eyes) reflect directly on her and her image of a mother, so she went and told everyone she could think of that I was crazy and had lost my mind. Many people believed her and I didn’t know what had happened for nearly 2 years.
Of all my brothers and sisters, only my brother and I are in the public eye, so my T told me to hang in there and let the people who know me make their own decisions. He was right, my aunt finally told me that she was surprised to hear my mother telling people I should be institutionalized when I seem so fine. I lied to her and said I have been fine all along and that my mother just got too excited.
Being neglected and finally shunned because of things out of my control has ruined my emotional life. I don’t trust anyone not to hurt me, because nearly everyone in my life has hurt me. I love only my daughter and she is the only one to stand by me. I don’t give of myself because I can’t bear rejection – my mother taught us all that life is black or white, all or nothing, so rejection means I’m worthless. I cry only in front of my T and my daughter but even then, I feel as if it’s a sign of weakness. My emotions are bottled up so tightly they have to fight to get out and when they do get out, they have names of colors…
I’m so tired.