Abandonment is such a tender issue for trauma survivors. Most survivors with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID/MPD) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) have had more than their fair share of genuine abandonment instances.
For severe trauma survivors, abandonment would have been experienced over and over in various situations:
- Each time your parents or caregivers turned a blind eye to the sexual abuse or physical abuse that was occurring to you right there in your own household
- Each time your parents or caregivers abandoned their role of safety and became the perpetrator of your abuse
- Each time your parents or caregivers ignored your physical needs, leaving you to be hungry, cold, unkempt, improperly dressed, neglected in any way
- Each time your parents or caregivers handed you over to someone else that was physically or sexually abusing you
- Each time your parents or caregivers left you alone for extended periods of time, leaving you to tend to your own care when you were too young to be taking care of yourself by yourself
- Each time your parents or caregivers refused to give you proper medical attention or medical treatment
- Each time your parents or caregivers ignored your pleas or cries for help, turning a deaf ear, and leaving you to deal with your crisis without their assistance
For survivors with DID, these kinds of instances of abandonment happened on a frequent basis. All too many survivors were abandoned on a weekly basis, and for some people, on a daily basis.
How does this kind of abandonment affect people?
Excessive, repeated, severe abandonment teaches survivors to not trust.
It teaches that other people cannot be counted on.
It teaches them that they are alone in the world.
It makes them believe that no one will help, or no one will be there for them.
What’s worse, it gives deeper emotional messages to the survivors, drilling in feelings about worthlessness, unworthiness, un-importance, having no value, being bad, being stupid, being invisible.
It eliminates and destroys any self-esteem the survivor could develop.
It creates a deep-seated anger, an ongoing emptiness, a constant sense of isolation.
It scars the heart and pierces the soul.
How can survivors of extreme abandonment recover from such emotional wounding?
Once a survivor truly hears and understands the fact that their parents and caregivers are responsible for the improper treatment of a child, then that survivor can begin their own path for healing.
But healing from abandonment is not easy. The wounds went deep into your core existence, and overcoming that level of emotional wounding takes a lot of time and repeated effort.
Some of the steps involved in healing from abandonment are:
- Remembering again and again that the abandonment was not your fault
- Remembering again and again that you are not a bad person because your parents or caregivers committed crimes against you
- Learning that while some people are criminals, not all people are criminals, meaning, while your parents were willing to abandon you to such a huge degree, not all people will act in the same manner
- Learning to trust again, ever so slowly, little bit by bit. Dare to try. Dare to reach out. Dare to build relationships.
- Finding people, even if only one or two, that you can build meaningful relationships with
- Being a trustworthy, reliable person so that other people will develop trust in you
- Addressing your anger issues at the true offenders of your pain. If you go “on the attack” to people that make small errors in your relationship (while refusing to address your feeling at your parents or caregivers who committed grave errors), then you will find yourself alone time and time again. Work hard at showing the appropriate amount of anger equal to the level of the mistake. Going overboard at people in the current day will not be helpful.
- Working really really hard at separating the issues that belong to people in your past versus attributing your pain to people in your current day world
- Develop relationships with pets or animals if you are too scared to trust people. Building connections with another living being, where you each rely on each other, is a great starting place
- Remembering and realizing that safe people will come back to you time and time again, unless you do something to push them away over and over again. You can keep good people in your life if you want to.
- Finding little treasures / trinkets / small reminders of people to help you maintain that sense of object permanence. Out of sight does not mean that they are gone from your life.
- Working on extended your comfort zone in terms of how often you need to hear from someone in order to feel secure in that relationship. Repeated contact, vs. excessive contact, is an acceptable way to maintain relationships.
- Finding safe but creative ways of building relationships. For example, if you are afraid to meet with people face-to-face, build online relationships. Use an online therapist or an online support group as a starting place. Connect through blogs, Twitter, Facebook, etc.
Abandonment is painful, but it is still possible to build positive and healthy relationships with other people. It will take consistent work on your part to overcome the negative, damaging teachings given to you by neglectful parents and poor caregivers, but you can do it.
Unless you really want to be alone, you don’t have to be left alone anymore.
I wish you the best in your healing journey.
Warmly,
Kathy
Copyright © 2008-2018 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
we have an absolutely primal fear of abandonment. It affects our daily living, it makes us hypervigilant for anything we might perceive as rejection.
we are constantly apologizing to others, desperately afraid we’ve said something that will jeopardize our friendships. at the same time we sort of keep others at arms length, if that makes sense.
we are terrified of others disapproval. Paradoxically, we remain in unhealthy friendships, even though we continually get hurt. one friend in particular has traumatized us with her misdirected rages, and we have distanced ourselves from her somewhat (we have sworn to never again visit her place so as not to be trapped there should she attack us) but still find ourselves accepting invitations to go shopping, for example, knowing she will likely fly into a rage at any moment. She also won’t leave us alone, so we dread her frequent texts, to which if we don’t respond to immediately will result in her lashing out, saying things like, ‘well, obviously you don’t care!’ The funny thing is that, no, we don’t fucking care. All her problems she brings upon herself.
the only relationship we feel totally comfortable with is with our therapist. We’d be lost without her.
we have no truly close friends, but one (who also has DID) person we do feel very comfortable around because we know she understands our condition and vice versa. we have become good friends and we do our best to support each other, both of us knowing there are days when we aren’t in a place to be fully there for the other and we accept this limitation.
It hrz 2 gt lft
Wn ppl go awa
An lev u wi the bad ppl
I b afrd
Mi ❤️ nt gna evr gt betr
evri wun gos awa frum us. 😢
dos eni wun stil be heer to anser wen pepol rit on heer? is evri wun gon cuz of the forem dat u haf ta pay to go in? we dont got no munee to pay to go in dat forem. we ritid on uthr post an no wun did anser it. we r veri sad no wun be heer no mor. evri wun went awa. 😢
alla us kids
It IS hard, isn’t it….We struggle with abandonment and “not being heard” issues as well….we must have missed your “uthr post”……sorry, MyCircleofLife….hope your panic goes back down…we understand what you are saying…..
MissyMing
02/09/20
tank u for ur anser missyming. we feel betr toda. satrda nit wuz bad cuz da owtsid mom ladi cald an teld r big dat r uncul wat hurtid us lots n lots n makd us go to da bad scari pwacis wif him dyd on satrda. we gotd reli sik aftr dat cal n wuz sik al nit but we r betr now.
fwum us kids.
We are glad you are better now, MyCircleOfLife…that was some pretty rough news you got and we understand why you would get sick…..We are glad you reached out here….again – we are sorry that we must have missed your other post…..We were having a rough time, too….but feel better now……
We can’t do the forum yet either…..so we check here a lot to see if anybody is here…glad YOU are….!
MissyMing
02/10/20
f re bde goz awa
evn if thay say thay wot
ol gud ppl go wa 😶
wmn li
😔raje
I am so sorry that you were hurt raje. That was not right for ppl to go away. There are ppls right here that will not go away. Kathy has been here for a very long time. You can see Kathy’s picture here. She is smiling. I am smiling too but you can’t see that. We are ppls who plan on staying here.
ME+WE
I also feel abandoned by society….I feel a cast (thrown away)….Just like an unwanted animal. Nearly everywhere people like addicts glued to their mobiles, dont talk. to anther…just those rotten mobiles! I hate mobiles, as these seem to make people into zombies full of apathy…I sure don’t have one either. The addiction/obsession to mobiles seems also dysfunctional…Somehow re triggering abandonment/neglect/unloved traumas. So cold unemotional this is for my deeply sensitive unloved heart!
And bully’s, oh another one passed me…Just bully’s me….seemed to be a type who sadistically hates penguins! I feel like a penguin, battered…and alone, finding hot-weather unbearable! Judgemental bully…I dont know how many others this bully bullied as well (bullying is NOT ok)….Though I walked away as fast as possible,….I still feel that emotional rottenness (shock), inside…This is a traumatic reaction that occurs every time I get bullied! I also feel like a lone wolf!
I need emotional support (a caring empathic partner to me, I need a partner that loves me [as I am without judgement, sex, and heavy-demands], gives me emotional safety&love I dont have!)
.I see a counsellor, but that is not enough. …My unloved heart desires partnership!
So often I feel abandoned…The sadness seems to pour out like an endless river of tears….every day!
A sensitive emoathic caring and loving soulmate…preferably in a cold climate is my inner wish!
My story on abandonment is long, sure long enough to write a book.
The first one who abandoned me is my mother!
She only valued money….
Countless ‘friends’, psychologists, support-workers, counsellors….followed.
My trust is very low!
Sensitivity/empathy are keys to gaining trust of my very sensitive heart/soul!
In my area currently I trust nobody…friends, nope.
So non artistic, mobile-addicts (just about everywhere), and just so insensitive lot…I was verbally bullied too…Just targeted like out of the blue, and I don’t know the bully’s/abusers at all, not even their names!
And never spoken to these individuals…:(((
Dear Sad Soul,
My heart goes out to you. Abandonment is such a horrible feeling to deal with. I understand the feeling well. Know that you are safe here. No one will judge you, bully you or intentionally harm you here in any way. I have learned to trust here and I hope that, in time, you may able to do so as well.
ME+WE
Marilyn you are worth it and 49 is still young this shell is 53.
It is hard work am sure it is even hard when you don’t have a therapist.
We couldn’t imagine life without one. We travel one hour each way to get to ours. She helps with Stability .
Just keep coming here and posting asking questions writing down you worries. Keep
Reading Kathy articles .
Thank you,
I don’t have anyone within 4 hours one way of where I live. I am isolated. My vehicle is 21 years old and has 275,000 miles on it. It is falling apart. Idk how life is supposed to be but I do know that this is not it. I appreciate your comment and support. I do read a lot and will follow what I think may be helpful. So thank you.
Wow 4. Hour that is out in the middle
Of nowhere.
What happens if you have a medical emergency? You must have to plan very well for everything.
I couldn’t live that far away.
Have you tried to see if a on line therapy would work?
My bio mom walked out our apartment door when I was 9 months old. She got arrested and never bothered to tell to tell anyone there was a baby at home. I sat in the same diaper for days and ate anything I could from my crib. A safety pin, an eyedropper lid, and I know this bc of what came out later and police reports. I was there for several days when neighbora finally called police. Placed in FC. Adopted at 5 to be a playmate for their bio daughter. I knew there was a huge difference in how we were treated. I was abused by a man down the street for years. I was physically abused. Neglected. Now, I just don’t care anymore. I am 49 and have fallen back into depression.
I have D.I.D. PTSD and generalized anxiety disorder.
My advice to young people who still have their youth is try to realize that you are worthy and that you matter. While you are young.
I am no where near it but I have seen and read about others who have recovered.
Please don’t spend time on beating yourself down. It only gets worse if you don’t get help and make changes.
I am unable to because of finances and the remote area I live in.
I hope so bad for the young and older ones that grew up like this to find peace and happiness with yourself.
Oh my Marilyn … my heart goes out to you. What an awful childhood to have endured. You say – “My advice to young people who still have their youth is try to realize that you are worthy and that you matter. While you are young.” I just want to say that YOU are worthy and YOU matter no matter what you age.. I am so glad that you have come here to the DD web bog because YOU are worthy and YOU matter here. We are here to help one another. None of us is lost to age. You matter to us here Marilyn.
ME+WE
this is Jessie I have good news I worked things out with Belinda. Today when talking with her I realized it was me I wasn’t trusting. I wasn’t trusting my gut instinct. That Belinda wasn’t safe.
I was the one being untrustworthy. I was the one that was triggered. so I could only see negative and misunderstood facts.
So my gut was saying she was safe but my history and the way I was taught, not to trust myself and have my own thought amd feelings. All got in the way
It had been over a 6weeks with me feeling so bad and unsafe. I am so happy that it’s fixed now. I even kept asking her to reprogram me so I would feel better.her answer was always the same . She doesn’t program people! and she doesn’t know how! and it wouldn’t be fair for her to make me trust her again! I needed to do it on my own ! Those words would make me mad. That moment when it happen sitting in her office talking things through. It was like firework a amazing thing. For two reason one to realize I was wrong. And the other that I could trust her . So take it from this 10 year old little girl it worth it to keep fight for something. Especially when things are OK and then it wasn’t trustworthy. I’m learning to trust my gut feeling instead of fighting against them.
ol gud pepl go awa
we dot trus enebd
ol pepl lev
evn if them saye them dint
them li to mak thrsef fel betr
ol gud pepl gon
I know I do have abandonment issues…but mine seems to “walk hand-in-hand” with “betrayal”……I am finding that if I start feeling “abandoned”…it is because I have first seen “betrayal”…….with the “betrayal” there is a lot of initial confusion and then the “anger” steps in……when the “abandonment” feelings finally kick in…it comes with despair, resignation, loss of hope, “must just let stuff happen”…..rough to pull out of……
But….my brain has no past “memory” of such an intense “betrayal”…I just have “flashes” that I don’t know if they are “real” or not…..so what gives???? Why am I very aware that I have a “part” (or parts?) that are so alert for signs of it even now……I want to be able to “trust”….I start out “well” and then it quickly disintegrates…and I end up “numb” or “angry”….some younger parts are quick to naively trust (they seem to be incapable of “mistrust”)….then, there are others who would not even touch the word “trust” with a 10 foot pole…….
When I am completely in “one” direction….I can only faintly “remember” that “another” one even exists….which actually ends up being easier for me to “manage”….what’s rough is when I am in “neutral” zone – clueless as to what I am “supposed” to be feeling….so, I “wait for input” so I will know what to do…..When I end up looking at Parts who carry two completely opposite perspectives….which is the “right” one??…..sometimes I feel like I am “losing my mind”…….
“It makes them believe that no one will help, or no one will be there for them”………
At this part of my journey….THAT seems to be my “prevailing perspective”……on the Outside, it can show up in more angles than I ever thought possible…..I “fight” to maintain looking and acting “normal” on the Outside….but when all your “Spidey senses” have triggered….it’s hard…..how do you figure out “which” one is correct and which one is is just “trauma-connected”?????
Fun learning THAT one….I think I probably get it wrong more times than I care to think about (confusion comes running!!)…..hate even thinking about the consequences of THAT……
MissyMing
02/21/19
Hi MissyMing,
“how do you figure out “which” one is correct and which one is is just “trauma-connected”?????”
There is no right or wrong here MM. All of your feelings are correct because they are what you are feeling. Now, it may be something triggered from the past but that is true of us all – singletons and multiples. Trauma-related triggers can be more difficult to manage that is for sure. But they are there for a reason. If you are feeling betrayal there is at least one insider who has a story to tell on that front. You just may not have heard it yet or perhaps recognized it. But, there is something there to just keep an open mind and heart to hear. Oh, and our insiders do not share all of the same experiences so their take on things can be very different. That does not make one more right or more wrong or negate any of your feelings all together.
Oh and ya … negotiating through life as the invisible walking-wounded is painful beyond comprehension!
ME+WE
03/01/19
Ahhhh, Me+We! Had to laugh at your statement of “all your feelings are correct”…. it reminded me of a book….something about “Men are Like Waffles…Women are Like Spaghetti” or something like that…meaning that in women’s “brains”, EVERYTHING is connected….Like a big plate of spaghetti….each strand touches and flows into another strand…..fun working your way through THAT plate!! (I think I prefer the “compartments of waffles!!)
Anyway…your statement of “If you are feeling betrayal there is at least one insider who has a story to tell on that front” really hit home…in one sense I “knew” it…..in another sense I am still obviously in “denial”…..it is a “flash” that constantly sits like a “knot of confusion” in the pit of my stomach…. it looks like a moment of serious “betrayal and abandonment” by my father that leads into a yet “unknown” story….but I don’t see the “rest of the story”……the “denial” comes from my “brain” having NO memory of a situation like that….sooooo – am I “falsely accusing him” of something?…..it is hard to look at such a scene when you have no actual “memory” of it…..I need to “practice” more listening even when I don’t “understand”…….
AND I needed to be reminded again that “our insiders do not share all of the same experiences so their take on things can be very different.” That definitely can add to the feelings of “confusion”…..Internal conflict of perspectives can leave you feeling very lost and overwhelmed…..
Soooo….more opportunities to “practice” listening “objectively” to the “parts”…….the “betrayal and abandonment” scene is obviously a very touchy subject for me….probably the gateway to the “rest of the story”…….no wonder this direction is SO, SO hard for me……If only “brain memory” would show up to “confirm”….maybe this wouldn’t be quite so hard……
Once again..you have pointed me in a direction…one that I “knew” – but evidently didn’t “want to see”…..(Objective LOVES the way you talk “bottom line”!!!)….Walking through life as the “invisible walking-wounded” is conflict in itself…..because everything in you is crying out to be “seen and heard”…yet you do all that you can to hide them…..unless you have actually found a place where it is safe to “NOT hide”………those places are few and far between……thank goodness – one such place is here…….I just keep on sticking my toe in the water as best as I can…..!!!
Thanks, Me+We!!
MissyMing
03/03/19
Hi MissyMing,
I am happy to hear that anything that I say here helps in some small way. Often I think that I am babbling on and folks out there are rolling their eyes and wishing that I would shut up (my negative internal messages ya …). Bottom line (that one was for Objective) thank you for saying that anything I offered “hit home” … it is much appreciated!
I love the waffle and spaghetti analogy. Interesting though … as multiples we have rather waffled our trauma/abuse even though we feel like emotional spaghetti. I guess that Object is a waffle thinker and you are a spaghetti thinker. Maybe that is a big part of our problem … we are both … hahaha Try sorting that one out – a giant waffle with spaghetti in all of the compartments! Hum … now I am getting hungry.
Abandonment is a HUGE issue for me MissyMing. I trigger on this one from zero to scrap-me-off-the-ceiling panic attack is one second. And, when I am off and running in circles on my panic wheel, it is hard to get me back. It is such a dramatic fear response that I have. I had never thought of it before but betrayal is very much the root cause of childhood abandonment.
Okay, I looked up the definition of betrayal. From Merriam-Webster – betrayal: violation of a person’s trust or confidence, of a moral standard, etc.
Think about that. As children we have infinite trust in the safe and loving care of our parents – of all big people actually but especially our parents. And, this is an absolutely valid feeling to have as children. We rely completely on our parents for everything – food, clothing, shelter, a safe environment, care and nurturing, teaching life skills, etc. That is what parents are supposed to offer their children. That is what we are hotwired to expect as our birthright. So, when our parents (or other big people in our lives) fail to provide these basic essentials of life, they have betrayed us and our sacred birthright. When you add on horrible acts of neglect and abuse, you have a toxic mix of trauma and betrayal. In doing so, our parents abandon us, not just physically but emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.
When I look at my childhood, my betrayal and abandonment played out in three acts. Remember that I am writing here from my child’s perspective. Act I was the lack of attachment that I felt with my parents, my mother in particular. I never had a solid foundation of attachment and trust that my parents were there for me. Act 2 surrounded my hospitalizations. I felt punished (physically and emotionally) and abandoned. Act 3 occurred shortly after the hospitalizations. This time I was s*xually assaulted and abused over a period of time. No one cared to see or help me. Not only did the big people abandon me, but I felt that I had to abandon myself.
I tell you all of this MissyMing because these are the spaghetti strands that I have managed to pull out of the pile. Abandonment and betrayal are the powerful beast that gnaws away at your heart, soul and sanity. If you are feeling this in your gut, know that the beast is there. You do not have to have the whole picture to know what it is going to say about your life. You insiders will tell you the whole story when they are ready to speak and you are able to hear, That will be their call not yours. You cannot rush these truths to the surface. They have to find their own time and space to bubble up.
Your humble friend,
ME+WE
03/05/19
Thanks, Me+We…..bit by bit….a very slow journey indeed!…..definitely not MY call or all this processing would have been done and over with a LONG time ago!!
I’m thinking that the “betrayal” segments are the individual situations that happen….a moment here…a situation there……Occasional moments can be more easily dealt with and “forgiven”…especially when the “wrong” is recognized and corrected and apologies are made…..Occasional moments can be looked over – because humans are prone to faults and failures…..I think It is when there becomes a persistent “pattern” of unrecognized betrayals that the “abandonment” perspective sits in…..An “abandonment” perspective is the end result of persistent betrayals….Although I feel “big” betrayals (traumas) can speed up that process significantly and basically put a “seal” on it in the child’s mind…(as well as in the legal sense)……
You have described well “betrayals” from a child’s perspective…..persistent moments (that may or may not even recognized as such by the offending adult) can be extremely impacting to the child….as you have so clearly described……
Even though I had the basics for physical life (food on the table, shelter, etc)….there was always the feeling that I was not “safe”….that I was not heard, not allowed to “expose” my feelings or perspectives, not allowed to have a voice…which ultimately led to my feeling of no “worth or value”……i.e. – an “object” that was required to be “silent” and “obey”…….unable to find a sense of “identity” and to find my “place” in the world……
Maybe all my ramblings here is just me processing the “why” of my feelings of abandonment…..that it wasn’t JUST that moment in the scene of the flash….that it was something that I had been feeling all along…only THAT moment put the “seal” on it in my mind and heart and left me walking in that perspective the rest of my life….left on my own trying to figure out “who” I was and “where” I fit in life…….
We LOVE your conclusion of the analogy…..We are waffle compartments filled with spaghetti…..BINGO! I had to bust out laughing on that one….a perfect description of how I feel!
Thanks!
MissyMing
03/07/19
Here we are again, writing to add to a difficult and complicated subject.
Our earliest abandonment issues arose from a traumatic events that we view as abandonment. We lost 7 people within seven years to death.
But the person who did the abandonment we just don’t blame. How could we? It wasn’t the fault of anyone. You can’t blame someone for cancer.
We don’t blame anyone for the choices they made for our care either. We just can’t.
Here we are being abandoned again with failing health issues. Our grown children choose not to speak to us. It is as if it is a repeat of our past. Our destiny.
All the words the cult said would come true is and has. We are alone. Without our closest family. Without children beside us. We are doomed to leave this earth without even one single chance to make it all right.
We have been left without friends as well. They left.
That is what the early abandonment did to us. It left us without the way to know how to truly love our children in the right way. We passed down the curse and they left us because we didn’t know how to love them.
Not one soul left.. not even our own.
Dear Untold Story,
You are not alone! You have a family here at Discussing Dissociation. We are sorry you are struggling with health issues. That is no fun at all. Keep writing. I hope you have the chance to make things better with your own kids. Relationships are tricky at best. We accept you here!
Hello Untold Story,
I read your posting with great sadness in my heart that you have been abandoned so. Loss is such a hard trauma to overcome if ever. I think that it is more a case of learning to live on with a part of your self missing. There is no blame that has to be laid on anyone including your self. You were/are entitled to feel abandoned by death. That is a reasonable feeling to have. You are entitled to that feeling.
As for the choice of care, that may not take blame but a recognition that mistakes were made. Again, mistakes that were NOT of your making. And, mistakes that had negative consequences for you that you are entitled to have whatever feelings that you have.
Now, I am a firm believer that what was learned, programmed into us can be unlearned. The cult has no power over you nor can they define you or your life. You control your own life. Maybe you have made your own mistakes because you did not know how to be in the world any other way. This is not a curse that cannot be undone. This is a legacy of what you did not learn that you can learn now. Will it change what has already been done? – maybe not. Can it positively change you’re here and now and how your life to come? – absolutely.
You are not alone here!
ME+WE
10/14/18
Untold Story,
Thank you for being brave enough to share. Your post has really impacted me and I just want to reiterate what others have said. You are not alone here at Discussing Dissociation (DD). We here you and I’m personally hoping you’ll keep writing here and share more of your story, if you want.
The funny thing about life is that things tend to regenerate when you least expect them too. After a forest fire, the forest is devastated. It’s all black and burnt and all life seems to be gone. The animals leave, the people leave, there is nothing left behind. Yet, somehow deep within the soil, there is always hope because things start to grow green and strong again. And before you know it, the forest is back, as beautiful as it was before. It may take time, but it DOES happen.
MultipleMe
10/14/18
we be extra sensatif at this time of year about this becuse of mothers day. we hate it when pepol disapear or leave or be to busy or dont want us any more or stop careing. mothers day make it extra werse. plus there be stuff at school. are heart be aching a lot. it make us feel stupid becuse we dont want to be this way. we want to not care when pepol do this to us. but we dont no how to make arselfs stop careing. we hate haveing a broken heart.
xxxxx: we are sorry your heart aches. We offer you compassion. We are here, too, and we care. 5/13/18
Oh Missy … I am so sorry that you feel this way – “and people cannot be counted on. and you cant trust anyone.” — and that you are in tears All the Jill People. It is such a gut-wrenching topic for so many (dare I say all) of us.
I certainly hear what you are saying and struggle with this idea as well. I have been with my husband for 38 years and I still fear that he will abandon me like so many of the others in my life. Indeed, I had a treasured T retire and “abandon” me after eight years together. Lack of attachment and abandonment (read hospitalizations when I was a child) are central to my DID. One of my abusers (physical/sexual abuser) threatened to burn me up in a coal-burning furnace. You would think that that would be the thing that scared me the most but it wasn’t. It was him telling me that I would disappear and that no one would even come to look for me – no one would even notice that I was gone!!! That is what hurt the most because I felt and believed that I was that worthless that no one would notice that I was gone. So, I am an old warrior in the battle of abandonment.
Now, Kathy has really drilled right into the core with this posting – to what so many of us feel, have experienced and fear the most. It can certainly stop one from trying to build relationships as in, why bother to try and build a relationship with another person because, in the end, they will just abandon us like all of the rest. So, our lonely existence just gets that much more lonely. How sad for us.
Well, folks are going to come and go out of our lives for many different reasons — that is true. Sometimes we will be grief stricken by the loss. Other times, we may be relieved that the relationship has come to a conclusion. In all cases (except relationships that are harmful to us in some way), we will have lived a fuller life for having opened ourselves up to the possibilities that come from letting another person into your life – good and not-so-great. Even the not-so-great offers us the opportunity to live life fuller and more complete.
For me, I have set myself the healing objective of being courageous enough to be vulnerable. In the past, vulnerability has been the source of pain, abuse and sadness for me. But, I have to turn my thinking around because vulnerability can also be about being open and welcoming to all of the wondrous possibilities of living life whole. That means developing relationships that may not last forever.
But, in the end, I know that I am never alone because I have my insiders.
Its just life.
people do leave.
and people cannot be counted on.
and you cant trust anyone.
of course abandonment happens all the time.
thats what life is like.
Missy
Tears..
?
I found this article today. There is so much to read on this site! ? Abandonment is an issue that I highly doubt if I will EVER heal from. The early abandonment loss from multiple deaths of significant family members in my life is what sparked the DID that I have. It is often written that abuse causes DID. While there is that in my past as well, it wasn’t the significant factor that spawned it. I saw and endered 7 deaths in a seven year period of time. My oldest sister died a horrible death. She was my primary caregiver (mother). My biological mother didn’t really take on that role. Less than a year passed and I witnessed my dad dieing, I will spare the details. This all happened at a formidable time in my life. The other losses were close family members.
This was my first split and I wish someone would write about how trauma can take many forms and many things can elicit a DID split.
I can not still the abandonment issues that arise. They come at any thought or idea of anyone leaving. It’s no wonder I am so sensitive when it comes to loss.
I don’t think these things will ever heal. It isn’t as simple as my parent did this or that. It was the inevidble life events that caught a young child in its grip. I can never teach myself or my inside little ones that abandonment will never come. It comes.. No matter what.
There is a whole in my heart that will never mend.. And this is it….,,
Thank you for this!
It do fel bad wen pepol levs and dosent come back
How do you no it dosent be you fallt if it keep hapinng agan an agan
Evn momys lev evn frens lev evn famle lev evrebudy do
Reblogged this on leighcannon and commented:
Those of you interested in a scholarly article about the effects of trauma read this.
We feel abandoned a lot. Tho in our life now – we are not abandoned. I guess it is still the old stuff. It happened to us on everything you mentioned. I try to justify the one’s that abandoned me so that I don’t feel it so much. That’s not working so good. Our mom recently died. We always hated Christmas – so now she died at Christmas & did it again. She abandoned us a lot. Now it feels even worse than before. Me thinks we have more work to do. *sigh* It never ends does it. We wanna grow up.
we keep geting left agan and agan and agan 🙁
we dont gone to trust enebydy eneymore
evreyone leves us
evrebudy 🙁
i wish missy didnt be rigt about evrething 🙁
TUCK
It seems this site is not active any more…so please don’t depend on it for support. You can look inside and find your wise self and tell her what you need and then allow her to give it to you.
I find that if I ask my insiders they will tell me what they need. Sometimes they don’t trust me to take care of them, but it is important that you build those relationships with your parts. In the end we have to learn to parent ourselves…sad as that is. I wrote a story about that called the Fairly Good Mother. You might enjoy it. It is on my From Hurt to Healing Blog.
Take care…hugs
Mona
evrebuddy lefs us 🙁 we dont no who to trust enemore
we do be so scard
we mite be left agan it feels like it we dont no waht to th ink
evn wen pepol say they dont gona go noware they still do
we cry an cry an cry
we dont got enebudy left enemor 🙁 we are left alon
god lef us to
nowon heres us enemoe:(
the bully say we are werthles and stupid and nobudy love us that why we get left like this
we dont like to be awak enemor cos it to hard
we dont like to slep cos of the bad drems
nowon no wahts hapening to us 🙁
evrebudy left agan
we dont
My last t terminated “cold turkey” almost a year ago. I didn’t feel it for 6 months. Then I was completely devastated. She said she couldn’t help me anymore, that I needed more help. After the six months I tried to contact her for answers and understanding since the whole situation did not make sense to me at all. She ignored all my attempts to contact her for five months. Phone calls and emails. I saw her for eight years. She was the first person I had been able to trust. It took me four of those eight years to be able to tell her I had been abused. She is the only one I have ever been able to tell. She left. Like everyone else. When she finally called me back she said she is no longer seeing adults only kids and to stop calling her. I gave her a piece of my mind and that was it. Now I am worse off than I have ever been in my life. The little I have is ALL falling apart. I literally have noone who truly knows me. When I told her I had been abused it opened pandoras box for me. I don’t even have the words to describe all that is going on with me. Worst of all I am completely alone in this. I’m pissed off that she is the one I allowed to chip away at my wall of protection. Now she left me and the wall has become twice as thick. Abandonment sucks the life out of me.
I am sorry you are so sad. I hope you let yourself color on the floor even if no-one else colors with you. And maybe reading a story out loud would feel good. Or just look at the pictures and tell your own story. I love to color. I also like sidewalk chalk. Have you ever tried that. You can make a big picture and get messy and the rain washes it all clean again. My neighbors kids used to draw with me, sometimes.
in 13 days it does be 2 yers sins sharin lev me 🙁
it do be all my fallt 🙁
i miss her so mutch i want my sharin bak i miss her i miss her
her did say her wudnt lev her promst
her did ust to coler with me on the floor i miss that her did red me storees
her did sit by me i miss her
i dont no wy her nevr say by to me 🙁 i just be so sory
Hi, just found your blog too and wanted to comment on this because it is soooo true. The first therapist I ever saw who diagnosed me with DID turned out to be an abandonment trigger for me. She realized very quickly that my biggest fear was talking to her and then having her leave me and she used it against me constantly. She would always say things like, “If you self injure I won’t see you anymore” or “if you don’t see me twice a week I’ll know you’re not committed to therapy and won’t see you anymore” and anything else she could think of that I did that she didn’t like that I was doing became a huge battle between she and I and it left me constantly saying, “are you going to leave me?” She finally said I was DID and borderline (which my current therapist says I am NOT borderline), but she brought out that abandonment fear in me so strongly that a lot of my behaviors inadvertantly became borderline. In the end, she made me so sick that I attempted suicide and THEN she followed through with her threat to never speak to me again. She never once contacted me or my husband when I attempted suicide and sent me a letter via mail to tell me she was no longer my therapist. She was horrible. I was a mental mess after just 10 months of seeing her. Now I have a very ethical therapist who has helped me a lot. In fact, I wish I had found her first and never gone through that because I put her through the test of whether she was going to stop seeing me in the beginning too. I am comfortable now that she will never do that to me and I rarely think about it, but having someone retraumatize you like my first so-called therapis did is truly devastating to your healing. It set me back even further than I was before I was diagnosed and took me 2 years to get past.
Hi Kindygirl,
Welcome to Discussing Dissociation!
Thanks for your post – yikes, what a story.
Providing therapy by threats… hmmmm…. that’s probably not the best way to build trust and rapport …. ouch! Lots of trouble there…
It sounds like you are in a much better place now, and while your first experience sounds terrible, at least you were able to move on and begin working with someone else. I’d encourage you to stay there!
I hope you continue to find positive helpers along your journey –
Warmly,
Kathy
@creativehealingsoul – this is something I dread even being at the beginning of the relationship and is definitely something that is preventing me from attaching but at the same time… if step back… I’m trying to believe in the therapeutic process, that I will be prepared through work carried out in therapy for the termination at the appropriate time, that I won’t be sent back out into the world “alone” until we are both/all agreed that I am ready etc etc. Incidentally, I have also read that being near or perceiving signs of impending termination of therapy can create a backlash and regression to previous ways of thinking/behaving for the client – I think the shrinks are prepared for dealing with this.
Kathy I’d be interested in your thoughts on termination in a new post 🙂
WG.
Oh Wounded Genius….
Oh boy, oh boy. I have a BUNCH of things to say about termination! In fact, I’ve got articles on that topic already partially written — just haven’t gotten them ready to actually post yet, but yep, I have a lot to say about that. That’s definitely a topic on my list!
I will say this much — I completely believe that an improper or sudden “cold turkey” termination is absolutely one of the most damaging things that can ever happen to a client, especially after a long-term therapeutic relationship. That kind of negative, sudden end can cause tremendous harm that ripples out in all kinds of destructive ways for a very long time. It practically erases the positive gains that had been made during the relationship.
yep… I’m gonna have to finish those articles… Thanks for the nudge.
Kathy
Pilgrimchild,
I feel sad as I read your post. I have fought against dealing with abandonment because it was so painful and I felt so shameful over it. Some of these experiences in the last few years were devestating as they re-wounded the inner children in our system. We also felt very angry and wanted to rain destruction (verbally) on those who were so cold, cruel and disrespectful of our being. It may have taken these many long years to get to the point of dealing with our horrid past because we so feared to re-encounter the “orphan” feelings and abandonment that happened so often growing up.
I hope you can come to a point where you can value yourself, that’s what I’m trying to achieve. I want to look into the mirror and smile at the me’s who smile back and to flippin hell with ANYONE who can’t see that we are valuable and worthy of respect, affection, love!!!
As I’ve said before my spouse has abandoned me for the last 27 years of our marriage and it has been countless abandonments with him. Finally I saw that I am right and he is very wrong in denying that we struggle with abuse and DID, etc. I am learning to love myself and my inside family and we are going to get healing and live no matter what anyone thinks of us.
We matter, we are amazing survivors and we will NOT let him or others define us or jam us into a round hole when we have never been meant to be in any kind of structure. We are unique and worthy and to hell with anyone who can’t see it in us.
Passionately, Rebelliously,
Pixies
Pilgrim child,
I know it is hard to believe it right now but none of the abuse was your fault. When people hurt you it was not because you deserved it, it was not because you brought it on yourself. You deserved to be protected, you deserved to be safe. You deserve that now, too. So if your therapist can’t be there for you, you need to find a new therapist who can. You deserve to get the support you need, you deserve to be your true self and not hide your feelings behind a mask. Maybe you did that as a child because you needed to protect yourself from overwhelming pain and sadness. But you are a grown up now and no longer (I certainly hope) in a dangerous situation. You are stronger now and you deserve to have your feelings get heard.
I am so glad Kathy didn’t say about abusive parents what so many people say, “They did their best.” I am a parent myself and I know that my parents had choices and they made bad ones about letting their own abusers have access to their children. There is no excuse for what they knowingly allowed to happen. None. And one day I hope to be able to feel angry about that.
Be well.
This post stings a lot. Abandonment is probably the biggest thing for me. It always has been like everyone I love and everyone I need leaves me. Even if they promise that they won’t, even if they say that they’re not like everyone else, even if they say they’re the one who WONT leave. This was a big issue that we worked on with my therapist, who said she wasn’t going to abandon me, that she wasn’t like everyone else. Then she abandoned me too. Which hurt worse than everyone else doing it because she KNEW what she was doing and she knew what it would do to us inside. 🙁 And she is a really good person… so somehow it must be my fault. All my fault, because whenever anyone gets to know the real me, they leave. So I don’t let anyone get to know me anymore, I always act happy and good and make sure to be perfect, so no one will leave me anymore.
hi kathy
it does scar your heart.
it makes you see abandonment in every act of those you love. and because you want to think of yourself as strong and resilient rather than clingy and needy
you gradually distance yourself even from those who never leave.
and then you are alone alone alone.
My comment here kinda fits w/this some I think.
http://discussingdissociation.wordpress.com/2009/02/08/dissociative-trauma-survivors-%e2%80%93-must-you-be-alone/#comment-840
About T vacations.
I was wondering if you might address the issue of past abandonment as it relates to the tremendously difficult task of a client finally trusting and “attaching” to his/her therapist, investing years of intensive DID work with him/her (in effect inviting this safe relationship into the system) and then having to move towards separation as the final phases of therapy approach…and the sense of an impending “death of the relationship” looms. How does one invest in this type of relationship in an authentic and real way, with appropriate therapeutic boundaries, and after years of investment, not usher in a deep depression, decompensating or suicidal meltdown when its time to move towards closure? What warning signs/traits would you look for in either a DID client or therapist and the dynamics of the relationship that could lead to extreme difficulty in the end? Do you have any suggestions for clients who are so overwhelmed at the thought of “the end” that it prevents him/her from further progressing, trusting and attaching because with each issue that is worked through the system perceives it as bringing them all one step closer to the unbearable pain and grief of losing the relationship? This seems a particularly difficult issue for child parts who perceive the therapist in a special “parental” role and see the inventual separation as the death of a parental figure and being left to survive “alone again”. It seems to be a a critical issue that a client can unknowingly sabotage therapy over to avoid the pain of “the abandonment”. How is this framed and worked through so that the experience is not retraumatizing nor triggers a life-threatening breakdown? I’d welcome your thoughts regarding client attachment levels and dependancy on the therapist and issues that might bring up…maybe a good topic for an article!
Creativehealingsoul,
Oh, you’ve asked some hard questions! But some important questions and yes, I think that could be a good topic for an article. I’ll think about that for awhile, and it’s added to the “post about this” list.
Thanks for the comment —
Kathy
yes it is possible, I abandoned my inside kids.
yep, I agree with muffledones – it is possible to abandon yourself, and certainly to abandon your insiders.
A big part of the healing process is to make sure that none of your insiders are feeling abandoned by you and the other adults. That’s a bit of a tall order, but it can be done.
Kathy
I just had a thought….I wonder if it is possible to abandon ourselves
hits a nerve for me too. It hink for me it is both the real memory of abandonment and also that my abusers used abandonment as a constant threat, that they would leave me, or kill themselves because of me, that sort of thing.
Ouch….this is a hard post….
“It scars the heart and pierces the soul.” these 7 words say more then anything else I have ever read.
Kathy,
You finally touch my most tender nerve. Abandonment. It has taken me nearly all of the 5 years I’ve been in therapy to STOP testing my T and let him be there for me. Well, I’ve pretty much stopped testing him. That is also why, because I cannot pay him right now, he has not abandoned me. He’s put a lot of effort into helping me, too, so that is probably another reason. I don’t care whatever the reason. He often tells me he’s in it for the long haul – in that sense I am fortunate.
Abandonment is a huge, huge issue for me. I realize, now, the magnitude of abuse I experienced as a child. It happened because my parents left to myself too often and put me into the hands of an abuser. After only 3 months of therapy (and still occasionally), I call my daughter and the only words I can speak are, “Did I keep you safe?” Her reply is always the same, “Yes, Mama, you kept me safe. I love you for it.” And we hang up. I have to keep hearing it.
Our goal when we had children, beside loving them was keeping them safe. This brought tears to our eyes.
Rainbow.
Dear Kathy,
Thanks for posting this, it was very difficult to read. I think because when you are a child and you are constantly being abandoned you fear that everyone in your life will abandon you, so you decide not to get close or not to trust. Something my therapist and i spoke about a few weeks ago, is how myself and parts included look at death as abandonment also. In the end we both decided that that idea was rather selfish, or well self centered, like how i could think that a person would go as far as dying to get away from me. Its kind of funny now. We also battling with my therapist about abandonment. I saw a therapist before for 3 years, she was the first person i trusted and the first person i told about my trauma and then she got a new job and in two weeks she was gone. This has scarred me, i worry constantly about being abandoned. I also grew up in foster care so there are a lot of issues going on there with feeling like i’m not wanted or loved or that i don’t belong. i think that my fear of abandonment keeps me from doing a lot of things, like making new friends or even trying, it cripples my relationship with my adoptive mother and it causes me to shy away from my therapist. Thanks again for posting this, once again you’ve really stimulated my brain..
pieces,
Liv
Liv,
Yes, that’s a very good point — deaths can certainly be a type of abandonment, and same with an ill parent — a parent that was away in the hospital for an extended time, or bed-ridden, or too medically ill to actually parent consistently, or too mentally unstable to be a good parent, etc. If we put more thought to it, I’m sure we’d come up with a whole big bunch of other scenarios where parents / caregivers can abandon children.
It sounds like abandonment issues have been a very difficult part of your trauma. I’m sorry to hear about all the difficult times you’ve been through. It’s not been easy for you, has it?!!!
It also sounds like you have done a whole lot of work on your abandonment issues — good for you, that’s excellent. And thanks for sharing the ideas of overcoming the self-centeredness and selfishness as they pertain to these issues. That must be difficult to look at, but I can certainly see how they would apply.
Overcoming the fear and the inability (? or unwillingness) to trust is important but difficult. And it takes a long, long time, and even then, sometimes people do make changes in their life which are not intended to be “abandoning” (like your therapist taking a new job), but can still feel very abandoning to you.
Reframing change as “necessary change” or “a good change for someone else, even if its not so great for me” and not pure abandonment can be helpful too. The perspective / meaning you put on change — how you define the situation can affect a lot. For example, if you can truly understand that your therapist was making a positive move in her life, and not purposefully abandoning you or desiring to leave you, that can give you a different perspective on the whole ordeal.
Keep up the good work —
Kathy
I just found this link through Pinterest. I think that abandonment is a tough one, and this post brings up so many feelings that so far have not be completely processed. We nearly had a breakdown when we lost our T, as our own Mother is ill, and our Step-father was the abuser. Our marriage is a mess, so T is the first place we ever felt safe to really address the issues of trauma, shame, fear, & abandonment.
Thanks you for posting this! I want to re-read. I seem to always have to remind myself, “It wasn’t your fault! They abused you!” We have a lot of issues trusting people and getting close to people emotionally, and we can come across as unfeeling a lot, even though we care so much it hurts sometimes.
We just wish we had something to compare “what does a healthy friendship, marriage, & relationship” look like. What does it mean to respect others? What does healthy love actually look like?
Hi DK,
Abandonment is such a core issue for me. I surely need to read, reread and read again what Kathy has posted for us here. And, we really do need to keep telling ourselves that it was not our fault. We were little kids. The adults should not have hurt us. The adults should have taken care of us.
It is so absolutely bang on understandable that you have problems with abandonment, fear and trust DK. No one can go through the traumas that we have experienced and not feel that way. Actually, I would dare to say that that is a very real, understandable and healthy response to what you have gone through because it shows that you have emotions/feelings. Those were not taken away from you. What you felt back then was appropriate.
Now, unfortunately those feelings have spilled over into your here and now DK. That is the sad legacy of childhood abuse. We cannot leave it behind. We carry it in every fiber of our being. But we can relearn what we were not given the opportunity to know when we were children – how to love, trust, feel safe and share wholly with others.
That learning can start here DK. I know that it is not the same as face-to-face friendship and interaction but it is a darn good start on a new way of being. I think that we have healthy, safe, caring, respectful and compassionate relationships here. I have felt my friends here holding loving space for me in ways that my face-to-face relationships have not done. And, in fairness, the singletons in my life cannot fulfill the depth of compassion and understanding that my multiple friends offer me here because they just do not know what you all know.
So, I think that here you can see some of the examples of healthy relationships that you are looking for DK. Here you can practice just being you because you know that we will hear you in all of the dimensions of self that you bring to our sacred circle of friendship. We will support you, nurture you, laugh and cry with you and offer you comfort and wisdom when we can. You can be broken here because we see and value all of the pieces of you. And, together we will find hope in the wholeness of tomorrow.
Hang in there dear friend.
ME+WE
03/25/2018
ME + WE
We feel so humbled and thankful for this response. We have had a fear of abandonment for so long it hurts. It plays out in relationships with ugly behavior, just waiting for people to reject us. So we do the very things that cause people to reject us, and then get angry when we are rejected. Or we reject the very people we love so dearly; it happened in therapy.
Sometimes I wonder if the relationship with our T was too close; how could we share with anyone we didn’t feel close to? The lines are blurred; but with the new T, we feel NOTHING.
We can’t even share any parts with her. She even told us, your parts all seem to be “you.” No shit. I think our jaw hit the floor. Now our parts are in hiding. We told her if she can’t treat DID we can’t see her. She said she can treat DID. Whatever.
Thanks again for the support. Long day, but a good day.
Hello DK,
Well, I certainly do hear your struggle here. First of all I wish to say that, feeling close to your T is appropriate. How can you possibly speak the intimate painful truths of your life to someone that you do not feel close with? I sometime feel scared and worried that I am too attached to my T. I live each week from session to session. And, although I feel that I have come a very long way in my healing process, I cannot envision a week without her. She is very mindful to tell me way in advance when she will be taking time off and we prepare for that. Then I think that maybe she will dump me just because I am so darn dependent on her (my intense hear of abandonment). But, she understands and I try to keep my fears under control.
You know DK when you spoke about the self-sabotage that drives some of your behaviour, I could not help but think about something that I discovered about myself with regard to boundaries (ya … another big issue for us all eh?). I found that I have no boundaries and could not figure out why I had such a problem establishing any. Then I realized that it was easier not to have boundaries even though I get hurt because of it then to have boundaries and have them violated (which is what happened to me as a child – all reasonable boundaries were violated). So, I was wondering if you are doing the same thing with abandonment. The pain of abandonment was intense for you and became your expectation of all of your relationships. By pushing others away and engaging in behaviours that you know will lead to the people in your life giving up trying to have a relationship with you, you control the situation. You are not being abandoned because you are controlling the agenda. You would rather push people away than risk the possibility that they may abandon you at some time.
Well, just my thoughts. Sure sounds like you need time and something positive to happen with this new T. Maybe check in with your insiders to see if it is the fear of abandonment (or other such issues) that are keeping you from bonding with her.
One small step at a time!
ME+WE
03/28/2018